LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Bad Day, Bad Day

2026-11-06T07:59:44.847-05:00

I opened a new tube of toothpaste and it smelled especially nice,

But a mouse peed on my brand new toothbrush, so I sanitized it twice,

Then I paid another great big price,

Had to shave my head to clear the lice,

I grabbed a lunch; a bag of cheese puffs, and it was full of baby mice.

A SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER AND A VAMPIRE

2026-11-05T13:50:26.239-05:00

Through the window I saw a Sabre-toothed tiger, and he was digging up my lawn,

When he pulled up a coffin from the lawn hole, I felt like I was going to spawn,

Then the tensions really grew,

For it was my Uncle Lou,

Lou was a vicious vampire, and I had to keep him boxed up, until next dawn.

HOT FLY HATCH OUT DRIVES PEOPLE TO STOUTING

2026-11-05T00:23:14.709-05:00

It is an very warm November, and millions of flies are hatching out,

They are always flying into people's holes, so the flies can muck about,

Most people get a fruity, body gel,

The flies stay away, because of the smell,

While waiting for the gel to work, people hit the pub and drink a large stout.

HALLOWEEN LEFT OVER STUFF

2026-11-03T18:37:08.698-05:00

I had some pumpkins and apples left over from Halloween,

I cooked them in the gasy oven with some weed, colored green,

It has a body smell beauquet,

That turns my besties away,

Like a cockroach deep in a s'mores, the one hiding in-between.

I WAS SUED FOR CALLING MY COLLEGE A FRAUD

2026-11-03T01:30:00.001-05:00

My alma mater sued me for bringing upon them too much shame,

They said I was awful, despicable, horrific, evil, lame,

My small wealth, I cannot hide,

It's all in my double-wide,

I will lose my modest home, for calling my school a well earned name.

A HILLBILLY SCIENCE FICTION STORY

2026-11-02T22:58:09.638-05:00

My cousin, he is simple and he sleeps on the main train tracks,
I asked him why he does it, and he said it helped his aching back,

Then along came this high speed train,

Squished all his parts except his brain,

We stuck the brain in Jimbo's duck, and my cousin went quack, quack.

I WENT TO THE ANIMAL JAIL AND MADE PICTURES

2026-11-02T22:30:42.413-05:00

I took my sketchbook to the zoo to draw me some funny critters,

I stopped at a bakery for coffee and blueberry fritters,

It was a long and frustrating day,

The critters wouldn't sit still and obey,

But I did some nice sketches that I published on X and Twitters.

I WAS KIND TO MY PEASANTS, NOW I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA

2026-11-02T02:25:00.001-05:00

My mean peasants revolted against me, and sent me on my way,

They didn't appreciate that I fed them, every other day,

My peasants were so weak and skinny,

They seemed too weak, except for Vinny,

He was their leader, who drove me out; now I live in Monterey.

I CAN'T STOP EATING COOKIES UNTIL THEY ARE ALL GONE

2026-11-01T13:42:10.884-05:00

I found in my kitchen some good eggs, sugar, butter and flour,

That gave my brain the idea that I had the baking power,

I baked cookies with ease,

Extra ones I did freeze,
I pulled them out of the freezer, and ate them within the hour.

ON MY SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN SQUATS A BEAR

2026-11-01T01:36:11.522-04:00

I went to my side of the large mountain, where cougars said I could stay,

They always let me stay there all winter, until the first week of May,

But when I got there,

There lived a big bear,

He was squatting there; he ate my wife and my kid, then chased me away.

THE WITCH WHO LIKES PICKING HER NOSE

2026-10-31T09:36:19.127-04:00

There is a big ring around the rosey,

A wicked witch is picking her nosey,

It starts to fast bleed,

The witch drinks some mead,

Then washes off the blood with a hosey.

NO MERCY FOR MY FOOD

2026-10-31T01:34:49.231-04:00

I caught a big bullfrog, so I could eat some tasty, yummy froggy legs,

He looked me in the eye; that is the way a sophisticated frog begs,
He made me feel really blue

His legs still went in my stew,

I had the same problem with a carp, when I made caviar from its eggs.

Rubber Tires Made Ruben's Berries Stinky

2026-10-30T09:34:27.591-04:00

Ruben ate some raspberries, but they were not edible good,

Ruben picked the raspberries near the pallet dumpster, full of wood,

These berries tasted like tires,

Then Ruben remembered fires,

Ruben's berries had been tire stinked, that's what Ruben understood.

I'M A BACKWOODS CHAUVINIST PIG, BUT I AM HAPPY

2026-10-30T08:09:53.782-04:00

I went into the backwoods, when I was 23,

I built a log cabin; each log was a timbered tree,

Then ordered a mail order wife,

With 2, I got a filet knife,

I hunt and fish all day; it's the gentry life for me.

THE ENTERPRISE LOST A CAPTAIN

2026-10-30T01:07:13.951-04:00

The Captain has left us, yes he did,

He's beyond all stars; way off the grid,

May his last deployment,

Bring the Captain enjoyment,

His home now, from us is hid.

Patrick Stewart, a great icon of science fiction has passed. Night after night, Patrick Stewart lifted us up out of our mundane lives, and took us to where no one has gone before. By doing that, Patrick Stewart made our world, my world, a better place.

Leigh Collin Brandt

WE WILL CANDY COAT OUR SUMMER BARF

2026-10-29T15:40:55.246-04:00

In the public restroom near the pier,

I could smell barfed pizza and puky beer,
The smell of remains,

From last night's lost gains,

Summer beach party memories, which we'll hold dear.

TRUCK DRIVER THOUGHTS

2026-10-29T06:21:57.076-04:00

They were hungry in Huston Texas, and hungry in Canadian Montreal,

They were hungry in Davenport Michigan, where there are no davenports at all,

The sofa is their davenport,

Say different, you'll be in court,

While I'm driving, trucking food across North America, my mind wanders, that's all.

WHEN NEAR A WICKED WITCH, BEWARE THE NOSE THAT MAKES A TWITCH

2026-10-29T06:01:55.605-04:00

Everywhere I go in the food markets, I keep running into a witch,

I run fast to get away from her, before her nose begins a cast spell twitch,

I don't need any magic spells,

I take my vitamin pill jells,

Methinks I have been bigly spelled upon, because I have a full body itch.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

2026-10-28T13:38:59.881-04:00

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

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WINKING ROUGE IN THE MORGUE

2026-10-21T20:40:00.000-04:00

Lawyer says, I'm going to be publicly executed, next year,

I winked at an upscale bar, waitress in front of her husband, her dear,

Her husband is old, but has money,

He is that type of bitter honey,

Me, I'm pretty, and young, and make money, but I spend it on good beer.

SMALL THINGS MAKE US EAT

2026-10-21T13:54:00.000-04:00

Teacher said there were not many paths, for someone like me to get through school,

He said I should learn many maths. so I could learn quantum physics and look cool

I do not think I would have a cool look,

Shoving my face all that time in a book

Teacher said books are brain baths. that teach us how to watch quantum and reality duel.

THE PETOSKEY STONE LIMERICK, FESTIVAL AND CELL PHONE WARNING

2026-10-12T05:45:15.406-04:00

My shinny Petoskey stone,
Made of something; maybe coral or bone,
I found one on the beach,
And what did it teach,
Watch out for water if you drop your cell phone.

BAY MISERY HOSPITAL: Providing The Same Quality Of Healthcare In Michigan Since 1632

2026-10-10T19:23:46.016-04:00

I went to the ER, and boy is that hospital cheap and creepy,

You pee in an empty Crisco can, and there's no place to go sleepy,

You stand all night in a hall,

Listening to grandmas bawl,

Sick bodies faint to the floor, and the dead pile up in a heapee.

MY TRAVELS THIS YEAR

2026-10-10T04:31:39.670-04:00

My company sent me to Bolivia,

Then transferred me to Japan,

Then they moved me to Idaho,

Where I eat beans out of a can,

It seems that I am always on the go,

I traveled to Flint to bury Uncle Joe,

But I opened his urn and away he did blow,

I did supper in Saginaw on taters and doe,

Glad to leave Michigan where road conditions cause woe,

I CHOOSE THAT MY MONSTER NOT SHOW UP

2026-10-10T00:49:39.603-04:00

I got in my little fishing boat, and I sailed out into the sun bath on the great sea,

I was going to catch some tasty tuna fishes, to fry in my mommy's special ghee,

My crew was huddled, in despair,

They knew a monster was out there,

They were all looking far beyond our small boat, for an island with a tall, protecting tree,

On that long day, we didn't catch a single fish, which foretold a success that would never be,

We paid the price of a days living lost, spent precious time with no profitability,

Then a low heart pounding sound came in with the dark, then a fog so icy, so icy cold,

Dark vapors were breathed in, and settled in the brain of each man, his death the vapors foretold,

Then came the first scream, then came the first holler, repeated on deck and below the plank floors,

The crew were terrified and ran from deck to deck, nailing shut all the windows and doors,

My crew had a premonition of their end in sight,

The crewmembers fell down dead from a heart seizing fright,

I was the only survivor, and I survived by greeting the monsters with my mighty snores.