Linguistic Bloopers

Examples of funny errors in emails

2012-08-19T14:49:00.001-07:00

I got the mail. It was in the spasm box.

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hello Madam

As per AICET, the following reference is complassory,

Total Volume - For per Branch - 500 Vol, i.e - for 4 branch- 2000 volume must be,

Total Title - For per Branch - 100 Title, i.e - for 4 branch- 400 Title must be,

Hope that, This information helps you.

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Dear Sir/Mam,

we have got your mail.But not yet opened.So when we will open the same you will get the response of your mail.

Principal,

Gulmohar school

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Dear Sir,

I have completed three months in the company as per my contractual agreement I am allotted one leave after the first three months. I would like to take my first leave this month on the 19^th of October 2009.

The convenience caused by my absence is deeply regretted.

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Email from an Institute expressing regret over non-payment of membership fee

"Aapnee tow jaanen, we are a govt organisation. That is why we are lating…."

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At the end of a message I often send "Best Regards" with my name at the end. Two times now I have sent the following when typing in a hurry;

"Best Retards"

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I have sent a few emails like "please find attached the report on the....." and then forget the attachment. Its OK when I realised straight away and resent it, but once I did this and then went away on holiday for 2 weeks. I came back to loads of emails from people saying "WHERE IS THE ATTACHMENT?

I haven't done this for a while. I've learnt from my mistakes...

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What causes earthquakes?

2012-08-19T13:43:00.003-07:00

(Excerpts from an answer sheet of a class IX Geography student somewhere in Kolkata. The answer sheet was tucked inside my shirt delivered post ironing by the local iron-man i.e dhobi.)

The cause of mechanism of earthquake is the building, hospital are the earthquake to stop the mechanism of land of the earthquake to positive to earthquake is the cause of block the earthquake and mechanism is to come to the earthquake degradation to compounds of the earthquake to the earth of mechanism underground pressure to the land is degration to the soil of mechanism of the cause of the matter of the underground land have damage to that why earthquake is cause a damage, it like, Industrial to shape it to the and damage to the bad river and they have to grow in the water of and water goes in soil they have to grow underground land and they have damage that why earthquake is come to the earth and hospital they have chemical reaction to and they have land will goes on underground the land and land have become a damage of the thus why is called earthquake.

The Longest Out-of-Office Email Message Ever Written

2012-04-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is perhaps the longest out of office reply I ever came across

From: Amit Sen

Sent: 04 January 2011 18:56

To: Bhattacharya, Aparajita

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply: workshop

Dear Sir/ Madam

This is to keep you informed that I would be on my annual leave from 20.12.2010 to 11.01.2011. I will join back office on 12.01.2011. I will access all my official mails once I resume official duty on the 12th of January-2011. In case you send me a mail during my leave period please do ensure that you mark copies to Mr.Samar Chatterjee, Mr. Amit Das and Mrs. Harpreet Kaur. In case of an emergency situation please feel free to contact them as well. Their mail ids are as follows - samar.choudhary@gmail.com, amit.kundoo@hotmail.com and harpreet.kaur@yahoo.com. The mobile nos.of Mr.Samar Choudhury and Mrs.Harpreet Kaur are 09830901387 and 09830678979. Wishing you a merry x-mas! and a very happy new year! Good luck and god bless! Best! Amit Sen

Funny Out-of-Office E-mail Messages - Vol 1

2012-04-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

For all working professionals, ‘out of office’ is a very familiar expression used frequently by those who seldom stay in office and occasionally by the rest who want to check whether the functionality really works. For those who aren’t familiar with the expression, out of office messages are emails that you can create which auto-reply to anyone who sends you an email while you're away. Whether you are out for an extended period of time or just out on lunch, people use the out of office functionality for a variety of reasons.

Regardless of when and how you use out of office messages, it's always unconventional and boring to leave the typical "I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow. Please contact my colleague XYZ if urgent." This type of professionalism now needs to come to an end after years of using the same boring strap-line over and over again. Start telling people what you really want to tell them while you're away.

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you as soon as I get back
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
I am on paid leave right now for two weeks. When I get back, I will be on paid return. Upon completing my one week of paid return, I will address any issues or questions you have at a pace I am comfortable with. This is most likely a pace that you will not be comfortable with.
I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.
I'm out of the office. If you have immediate questions or concerns, please contact my manager [insert name here]. If your questions or concerns are not immediate, you might want to ask yourself why you emailed me.
I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.
I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.
I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks notice and never respond to your email.
I am away from the office at this moment. I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment. If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment.
I am away from the office on work. If there is an emergency, please call 100.

4 Letters in a Blog

2012-03-31T10:58:00.002-07:00

Letter from an OZ aspirant

Dear Madam,

Thank you very much that you inform me by mail. Really I am much worry for ENLTS course. Without this course my

Australia

tour totally stoped last two years. Please help me other ways.

I am very appreciate with you,

With Regards,

Wakil Hussain

Letter from someone who's just back from Europe

Hi,

How are you? am perfectly alright. You know what am I, I Madhu Pal. A student of E-learning course. I hope you don't forget me. It's have been long day we can't say hello or how are you. I came back from my Europe tour. It was really mindblowing. Vedhika Mam my father met you in British council office. He given you my Charles Walles form. Are you got it? Can you put it the right place of this form? Kindly you can tell me?

Letter from a library member

Dear Mr Bhattacharya

In response to your letter written on 5^th February for renew membership.

I do not want for closing my membership no. I am very glad for making a relationship with the UK’s international organisation registered in England as a charity.

Thank you to give discount offer. But after build my future plan for going

England

I have to go your office for collection the serious offering.

Regrate Letter

We had dispatched a DD dtd 04/01/07 amounting Rs6000/- rupees for renewal for our membership. Till now I have not received the receipt.Kindly arrange the same as soon as possible.

It is a matter of grate regrate that our Chairman Prof.Surya pottanaik who is the founder of this institution, He is now no more with us.He left us for ever. So all the correspodence should name of the Institution or Sr.Liibrarian Mr M Mohapotra.(Library oncharge)

The Marriage Proposal

2012-02-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Please read (without stretching your imagination) and keep laughing. This is so incredibly funny that I'm pretty convinced that it is genuine, there's no way anyone could make this up!

This is an actual letter (taken from the Times of India ) in response to a `Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam,

I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna. I am seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.

I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road. I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly; Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutkapaan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting every day. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.

I am having very much money in my pant every day and my pant is every day open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands every day. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.

Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly loving you every day. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and press you until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with excitement and anticipation.

Expecting good answer and replies to me in the future.

Namaste.

Yours,

Hiralal Yadav

Mail from an English Course Participant

2012-02-01T10:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Miss Poulomi:

I am sorry that I had to go to Bokaro tomorrow,and have some job there for about 4 days.It is a big project Bokaro Steel Plant, tens of our equipment are working there, our customer and my company are attaching top importance to this China-India project and plan to achieve more as much as possible before the rain season. thought I am eager to complete my english class as well as improve my english level, I still need to serve my company and duty first.

For the last 2 months, I have a lot of job in Jharsuguda Orrisa, normally I went on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday moring and come back the same day evening in order to catch my British Council english lessions.

So can you think of that and kindly hope you can help to award me the certificate.

thanks & regards

sing ding

'Out of the Box' - Resume Blunders Volume 2

2012-02-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

All good things come to an end with strong exception to the huge stock of hilarious linguistic lapses. I have volumes to publish on funny errors that ornament CVs and accompanying letters. Here's volume 2 of my priceless collection.

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

"I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

"It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."

"Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."

"You are privileged to receive my resume."

"10 years of experience in financail budgiting and Transactions rigistering."

"I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."

Skills: "Grate communication skills."

"Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Experienced in all faucets of accounting."

Watch out for more!

'Out of the Box' - Resume Blunders Volume 1

2012-01-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

The following quotations have been taken from CVs and covering letters received during my efforts to recruit suitable volunteers for projects at the British Council. There are also few that I came across from other sources including my HR friends who have been unkind enough to reveal some bizarre ones. While candidates have evidently put in a lot of hard work and diligence in writing their CVs, it's unfortunate that errors slip through and make the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.

CVs

"I am very detial-oriented."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
“Key strengths – Stamina, Communication Skills, Hardwork"
"I have exhaustive experience in marketing."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
“Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
“Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

Covering Letters:

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."
"You are privileged to receive my resume."
“Please find my resume is attached .. ”

The Promising Covering Letter

2012-01-24T05:20:00.000-08:00

I came across this covering letter from an applicant applying for a job

Request for the post of trainee from female applicant:

Understanding from a reliable source that the post of trainee in your institution has fallen vacant, I beg to offer myself as a candidate for the situation. The curriculum vitae and attested copies of all testimonials are attached herewith. If you select me for the post, I can assure you that I shall spare no pains to discharge my duties to the entire satisfaction of my superiors.

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Yours most obediently

The Most Remarkable CV Ever Written !

2012-01-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

A Curriculum Vitae in its literal translation means 'the course of my life' and there are millions who burn the midnight oil to get it right. People fiddle with it umpteen times desperately trying to get it right and to get that job they've long considered to be rightfully theirs. We all have witnessed people scavenge through libraries to hunt upon that one book that promises to offer a magical recipe for awesome CVs. Poeple don't spare the web either and they could be seen ravaging through several pages in their pursuit to gather all the wisdom floating around. The masterpiece once painstakingly produced is often seen tossed around for quick review and instant feedback. Ones who review them pretend to know-it-all mindless of the misery they themselves went through while crafting their own CVs.

My inaugural piece of writing on CVs presents one of the most hilarious CVs I ever came across. This CV is one big entertainer and a subtle reminder of things you should never ever write for your prospective employer to read. For obvious reasons, the true identity of the person is best left undisclosed.

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it."

--Henry David Thoreau

Hello,

Myself Kakoli Basu. I am a 23 years old girl. (I born in 9^th November, 1987.) I have completed M.Sc in Zoology from ____________ in 2010

Objective:

I love challenges. And for this reason I would like to work in the field of HR. As this field is pretty challenging. As you need to deal with various people everyday & you should have a keen understanding to produce the best outcome. Here you are teacher, listener, leader. examiner ,manager ,friend and even learner. This job requires more patience, as you are not dealing with objects, you are dealing with human who has emotion. Everyone has different perspective unlike those non-living things. You need be calm, caring and understanding always.

For me HR means HOPE & RESPONSIBILITY = SUCCESS

I think hope for the achievements and taking responsibility is the two basic key words which can bloom the career.

As a beginner in this field, I would like utilize my full potential. My attitude will be always professional and I will always remain flexible to take any responsibility needed for the growth of my company.

Skills:

1. Known languages: (Fluent in)

Ø English (Speak, Read, Write)

Ø Hindi (Speak, Read, Write)

Ø Bengali (Speak, Read, Write)

2. Computer Knowledge:

Ø Computer basic

Ø Microsoft office

Ø Known programming languages – C, C++, Oracle PL-SQL.

Here I need to mention that I don’t have any industrial degree like BBA/MBA and I am a fresher. I even can’t speak any foreign language other than English. So, for industrial job my resume is average or below average. But then why do you recruit me??? Because I have the following qualities for which you can give a second look to my resume. And I won’t disappoint you… Promise!!!

Ø Good communication skill – Good communication skill is the art of living a better life. In HR job this is the most important thing you should know. I am confident that I can communicate well with people. Communication does not only mean to talk. It includes-

· Ability to listen

· Ability to express

· Ability to impress

· Ability to understand the situation, place and person & talk accordingly.

· Respect for others

· Openness

· Sense of humor.

If a person possesses all these qualities, then it is to be said that he/she has good communication skill.

Ø Flexibility at work – I hate the word ‘no’. I believe everything we can do if we can dream it. The world is full of uncertainty and difference, and these differences makes world beautiful. So people should have the mindset to take any responsibility and there come the word flexibility. Flexibility to learn, flexibility to work with new projects, flexibility to adopt new environment. Famous scientist Charles Darwin has already stated the “Survival of the fittest” theory. And I believe I will survive.

Ø High team work performance – For me my team is my family & in any case I would serve for the betterment of my team. At first place I am working for my company, then for my team and lastly for myself.

Ø Good management skill – In any field especially in which you are going to research on human resource you must need this skill. And I know I can do this. I can.

Ø Ability to cope up with any environment – Flexibility I have mentioned earlier.

Ø Pleasing personality

Ø Hard working & enthusiastic – Work is life.

Ø Willingness & ability to learn new things – Learning is fun.

Ø Perfectionist – I always try to know in detail. Quality matters not quantity.

Ø High time managing skill – In Doha Kabeer has said “Tomorrows work do today, today's work now. If the moment is lost, the work be done how.” I value moments. I value time.

Ø Ability to work for long hours until it finished – Stamina, one of my strength.

Ø And last but not the least I can work in any shift, agreed to migrate in any place and also I can work in holidays if required.

è My three topmost strengths: Stamina, communication skill, flexibility

è My weaknesses: I am bit over sensitive and sometimes I am bit talkative than average people.

Aim:

As an entry-level HR professional, my aim would be to become HR manager with my hard work and sincerity. My aim would also involve working in coordination with the senior employees and building rapport with them. I would also like to learning managerial skills from senior managers and to excel in the job efficiently.

Now it’s time to give a brief academic detail. Here it goes :

1. Secondary Examination: Madhyamik Pariksha under _______________

Passing Year: 2003

Percentage of marks: 76.25%, 1st Division

2. Higher Secondary Examination : Higher Secondary Examination under _________________________

Passing Year: 2005

Percentage of marks: 69.4%, 1st Division

Stream: Pure science

3.B.Sc Examination : Under _________ University

Passing Year: 2008

Subjects: Zoology(Hons.),Botany,Chemistry

Percentage of marks: 65.25%, 1st Class

4.M.Sc Examination :

Passing Year: 2010

University:

Subject: Zoology

Percentage of marks: 71.60% (1st Class)

Grade point: 4.92 (A+)

I hereby declare that all the information given above is true is best of my knowledge.

Date :

Place: Signature of candidate

Thanks a lot for viewing my resume……….