Linscott At Large

The Idler, Tuesday, January 17, 2012

2012-01-15T17:50:00.001+02:00

The fight gets dirty

THE CAMPAIGN for the Republican Party candidacy to take on Barack Obama in this year's presidential election is turning nasty. A barrage of attack ads on TV is but a foretaste of the real campaign when it's Republican versus incumbent Democrat.

A campaign supporting front-runner Mitt Romney spent $12 million just in Iowa, targeting former Speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich.

And a pro-Gingrich campaign has now turned on Romney. An attack ad derides him for speaking French. Another shows him driving to Canada with the family dog in a kennel strapped to the roof of his car. Yet another quotes him saying he hunts, rabbits, rodents and "small varmints."

This is devastating stuff, really nasty! What won't they say about Obama?

As she is spoke

THEY say that if you can correctly pronounce every word in this poem by Hollander Gerard Nolst Trenite, you will be speaking English better than 90 percent of the world's native English-speakers.

After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud.

It's rather a long poem but here goes with a section:

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward ...

It carries on and on. That's what you get when you speak a combination of Saxon, Scandinavian and French. But at least one Hollander got on top of it.

Stable home

A WOMAN on the Isle of Lewis part of the Outer Hebrides group, off Scotland has scandalised her neighbours by setting up a stall for her horse in the living room of her home.

Irish-born Stephanie Noble says nobody in the neighbourhood would provide a barn or other accommodation for her three-year-old pony, Grey Lady Too, so she had to take her into the house.

She's nailed planks into place to make a pen, put in ceiling braces and used dining room chairs as a railing. She's also put down rubber mats, straw and cat litter, and mucks out every day with disinfectant.

Being from Ireland, where pigs and lambs often live in the kitchen, Stephanie is comfortable with the arrangement. But her neighbours are aghast and have complained to the Western Isles Council.

Not everyone is comfortable with close proximity to animals. There was once a farmer outside Pietermaritzburg who slept on an enormous bed specially made for himself, his 14 large dogs and his current wife.

Current wife because the ladies tended to move on with regularity. Romance is one thing but sharing it with the Quorn Hunt quite another.

Tailpiece

AN EXTRACT from a dialogue at sea by aldis lamp between the Canadians and the Americans:

Canadians: "Divert course 15 degrees south to avoid collision."

Americans: "Recommend you divert course 15 degrees north to avoid collision."

Canadians: "Negative. You divert course 15 degrees south to avoid collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert your course."

Canadians: "Divert your course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. I demand you change your course 15 degrees north or counter-measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Last word

Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

Howard Scott

The Idler, Monday, January 16, 2012

2012-01-15T17:47:00.000+02:00

Stunning discovery

AMERICAN astronomers have determined exactly what colour our home galaxy - the Milky Way -is when looked at from the outside.

From the inside it looks the way we see it. But that's not good enough. So they gathered data from the Sloan Digital Sky Survey, which has information on about a million galaxies.

They compared that data with what they knew about the total mass in the Milky Way, as well as the rate of star formation, looking for near-matches among other galaxies.

For those most nearly matched to our own galactic home, the team took an average and came up with a precise measure of what colour it must be. It turns out that, looked at from the outside, our galaxy the Milky Way is, er ... milky in colour.

March of science

THE ABOVE might seem like a waste of time and effort. But it's important we should know for sure that that, viewed from outside, our galaxy is not made up of technicolor polka-dots.

You can't stop scientific inquiry. One of these days they're going to get round to answering the question that has troubled us for centuries. How many angels can balance on the point of a needle?

Real scoops

THE LEVESON inquiry into the values and ethics of the British press continues. Last week we had the proprietor and editorial management of the Express group of tabloids trying to explain how the Express came to splash for days on end the total fabrication that the McCann couple had killed their own daughter. Also their fixation with the conspiracy theory that Princess Diana was murdered by the royal family.

It seems that in the McCann case they unfortunately relied on faulty information from "sources" in the Portuguese police and the Portuguese media. Princess Diana? Er, burble, burble.

How long before the inquiry calls in the executives of the Sunday Sport? This is a tabloid which specialises in such exclusives as the wreckage of a World War II Lancaster bomber being discovered on the moon and a double-decker London bus being found frozen into the ice of Antarctica plus lotsa cheesecake.

Lord Leveson would probably find the Sunday Sport refreshing after all he's heard so far. It might be hogwash but it's harmless hogwash.

Kung-fu presidency

FRENCH footballer Eric Cantona wrote to mayors across France asking them to support his candidacy for President in the next election.

Cantona, who also played for Manchester United and was embroiled in controversy when he jumped into the crowd and aimed a kung-fu kick at a spectator, now says his candidacy was a hoax. It was a publicity stunt for a campaign he is involved in for better housing for the poor.

That's a great pity. Nicolas Sarkozy has shown himself to be somewhat deficient in launching kung fu-kicks while at the United Nations, the European Commission and other arenas of dispute.

Big cat alert

THEY'RE on the lookout for panthers, cougars and the like in Gloucestershire, England, after the mutilated carcass of a roe deer was found on National Trust land near Stroud.

The experts speak vaguely of "big cats" being sighted occasionally in the Cotswolds over a very long time, though it's not explained where they would have come from. Escapees from zoos?

It's only a matter of time before they start blaming Rupert Murdoch, proprietor of News International and the erstwhile News of the World.

Sea food stall

SCIENTISTS at Britain's National Oceanographic Centre and Southampton University have discovered undersea vents 5km down in the Caribbean which spew out mineral-rich water that teems with life, including a new species of shrimp, in spite of temperatures of more than 450 degrees Celsius.

"Whelks! Oysters! Boiled shrimps straight from the Caribbean!"

Delivery glitch

BECAUSE of an unfortunate glitch, I did not take delivery until a few days ago of cards and good wishes for 2012 from various readers, in particular 91-year-old Joyce Steadman who sent me a beautiful hand-painted Christmas card.

Thank you, all of you, and your good wishes are reciprocated.

Tailpiece

Doctor: "This is a most mysterious affliction. I just can't find any reason for it. It's probably because of drinking."

Patient: "OK, Doc. I'll come back when you're sober."

Last word

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Mae West

The Idler, Friday, January 13, 2012

2012-01-11T18:09:00.000+02:00

Friggatriskaidekaphobia

TODAY is the day we forget for a while about the Mayan calendar and what might or might not be going to happen next December. Instead we allow people to frighten us with words like friggatriskaidekaphobia and paraskevidekatriaphobia^[1]^[2] both of which mean fear of Friday the Thirteenth. (Frigga is the Nordic goddess after whom Friday is named). It'll happen twice more this year, by which time the Maya hysteria (December 21) ought to be in full spate. That's if rising sea levels haven't put London, the Netherlands and the Kingsmead cricket pitch permanently underwater.

Oh, what silly, superstitious nonsense it all is! We hardbitten, no-nonsense types get through the day making sure black cats don't cross our path, we don't walk under stepladders and we have no dealings with cross-eyed women. If at all possible,we shake hands with a Chinaman. The more hardbitten and no-nonsense of us stay in bed all day, preferably with a voluptuous woman who does not mind making tea.

And the really hardbitten and no-nonsense of us will be at Point Yacht Club tonight for the Friday the Thirteenth Draw (Friggatriskaideka Draw to the older traditionalists), where the December and January jackpots are combined.

Stand by to gybe!

Hunting hysteria

AND HOW'S this for another bit of irrational hysteria? This fuss over the decision by the wildlife authorities to allow the hunting of a politician at Mkuzi is astonishing.

Don't they realise that these creatures have to be culled for their own good? That the hunting of politicians has not just added hugely to the tourism product offered by KwaZulu-Natal, it has resulted in a phenomenal building-up in the numbers of politicians? That ...

Er, hold on ... it seems I've been misreading this. It's a rhino they've given somebody permission to hunt .

But the argument holds true all the same. Hunting has played an important role in the conservation of rhino, the building up of the species. It's the great paradox of conservation.

Americans especially will pay a fortune for the right to hunt a rhino or a buffalo or a lion or whatever. The result is that private game ranches have sprung up to replace marginal beef and agriculture operations. Habitats have been restored. Zululand today is closer, in terms of wildlife and habitat, to its Victorian heyday than it has ever been.

Local traditional communities benefit from significant employment and often a share in the hunting fee. They have an interest in conserving wildlife instead of poaching it.

It is a paradox. The motivation of trophy hunters is open to question and slightly disturbing, certainly. But what is more important the survival of rhino as a species (and the thousands of other species that share the same range) or a purer than pure approach that is certain to fail?

Let's get this straight. We're still talking about rhino, right? (But that politicians idea isn't a bad one either).

Not the Duke

THE BODY of a young woman has been found in the grounds of Queen Elizabeth's Sandringham estate in Norfolk. Forensic tests are being done and the police are treating the case as one of murder.

However, no suspects have been identified. Nobody thinks it was the Duke wot dunnit.

Subway demo

ABOUT 700 people travelled the underground railway in Mexico City last week in their underwear no trousers or skirts.

It was apparently part of an exercise to demonstrate that teamwork can transform society.

If the reasoning is obscure, the exercise was a little alarming judging from TV footage. Maybe what they are getting at is that is that Y-fronts are not the complete answer.

Tailpiece

A GAME warden arrives at a woman's house in central Africa to deal with a fierce gorilla that's up a tree in her garden. He has a shotgun and a fierce Doberman.

"How this works, I go up the tree and throw the gorilla out. Then the dog pounces and clamps his jaws on his genitalia. The gorilla loses all his fight."

He hands her the shotgun.

"What's this for?"

"These gorillas are tough. Sometimes I get thrown out of the tree."

"So then I shoot the gorilla?"

"No, shoot the dog!"

Last word

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

Oscar Wilde

The Idler, Thursday, January 12, 2012

2012-01-11T18:06:00.000+02:00

That's how it is

IT'S AMAZING what a dishy girl can get away with. Israeli MP Anastassia Michaeli is a former Miss St Petersburg (Russia) and a former Paris model. Israeli MP Ghaleb Majdale is a heavily built, jowly and sweaty fellow who needs a shave.

The other day in the Knesset Anastassia threw a glass of water in Ghaleb's face then stormed out of the chamber shouting: "Shame on you!"

Ghaleb looked startled then started guffawing. Every male MP in the place no doubt envied him. But imagine if Ghaleb had flung a glass of water in Anastassia's face? There'd have been outrage, uproar.

In not complaining, I'm not a masculinist. I'm just saying that's how 'tis.

Techno-speak

ALL THIS digital techno-speak leaves me totally baffled. However, I include this message to IT Support in case readers have better luck in deciphering it.

"Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there is apparently a conflict between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

"Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

"Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

"Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2012.

"Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and e-mail porn filters, and can, without warning, launch Photostop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try to guess what the problem is myself.

"Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

"It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

"When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

"Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2012, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2012 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself."

Wow! I really don't know what to suggest. We're slaves to these machines.

Surnames

READER Colin Plen studies surnames. He likes to know their meanings, and from where they emanate.

"Some of the very interesting surnames involve nominative determinism where for instance a banker would have the name of Mr Cash or a plumber has the surname of Mr Bath.

"I recently found three cases of, I suppose it's nominative determinism. When I went into the chemist I noticed the staff wearing name badges. One young lady was Miss Moody. With her was another with the name Miss Smylie. Then the male pharmacist walked up to me and Lo! - his name is Mr Harmer."

Fascinating stuff. Can anyone assist Colin further with his researches?

Tailpiece

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Last word

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

Bertrand Russell

The Idler, Wednesday, January 11, 2012

2012-01-09T19:31:00.001+02:00

The smiling warrior

WOJTEK the Polish soldier bear was one of the boys. He used to drink beer with his mates of the Polish Second Corps during World War II and enjoyed a cigarette or two as well though he ate them instead of smoking them.

Initially adopted as a mascot, eventually he was officially recruited into the Polish army as a private. He lived with his fellow-soldiers in their tents and during the Battle of Monte Cassino, in Italy, he carried ammunition for them.

After the war Wojtek it means "Smiling Warrior" - was sent to Edinburgh Zoo, where he would wave excitedly to any visitors he heard speaking Polish. He died in 1963, aged 22.

Now his memory is to be honoured. The Wojtek Memorial Trust has raised money for a bronze memorial statue to him at Edinburgh Zoo, which will be unveiled this year. Then the Trust plans to send a copy of the memorial to Warsaw, then another eventually to Monte Cassino.

In the words of Aileen Orr, of the Trust: "Wojtek brought a great deal of love to those who travelled with him. He represented all that had been lost to these men and women in the darkest times in World War II. He was to them hope on legs, a trusted comrade who lived for them. He only knew soldiers, so he thought he was a soldier."

Old-world major

SPEAKING of Poles, who remembers Major George Iwanowski who used to bring the performing Lippizaner white stallions to the Royal Show year after year?

The Major, the epitome of old-world gallantry in his shiny black top hat and white riding breeches I think he wore a monocle as well had been in possibly the last cavalry charge in history. This was when his unit charged a column of German armour and won the day. The Poles galloped between the German tanks and armoured cars, clamping magnetic limpet mines to them and blowing them up.

Yes, we owe much to the Poles. How else would we keep the telephone wires up?

Meaningful stats

SOME telling statistics come this way. At any given moment:

· 58 million people are kissing.

· 79 million people are engaged in sex.

· 37 million people are relaxing after sex.

· One elderly person is reading the Idler's column. You hang in there, Sunshine!

Prophetic words

SOME ringing quotes from America in 1955:

· I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.

· Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2 000 will only buy a used one.

· Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter.

· When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

· I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

· Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50 000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

· I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They're even making electric typewriters now.

· I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

· The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

· If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.

Tailpiece

AN OLD FARMER hears splashing and laughter coming from the dam. When he checks up, a group of young girls are skinny-dipping. They head into the deep water when they see him.

"Go away!" they shout. "We're staying here until you go!"

"I'm not disturbing you," he says. "I'm just here to feed the crocodiles."

Age and guile always win.

Last word

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.

Friedrich Engels

The Idler, Tuesday, January 10, 2012

2012-01-09T19:28:00.000+02:00

Unnerving development

CANADIAN scientists have discovered a way to breed fearsome "super soldier" ants - genetic throwback to an ancestor that lived millions of years ago. The super soldiers have huge heads and jaws and wreak havoc in combat.

The scientists have discovered that ordinary ants of the species Pheidole morrisi found in the deserts of the United States and Mexico have all the genetic material needed to turn them into super soldiers. When they dab the larvae with a special hormone, the super soldiers result.

According to McGill University's Dr Rajendhran Rajakumar, the super soldier they've come up with evolved 35 to 60 million years ago.

This is a fascinating development, though a little unnerving. The technology must at all costs be kept from Julius Malema and his Youth League.

McPussies

CHINESE billionaire Long Liyuan sat down with two business associates in a restaurant in Guangdong to eat a nourishing cat stew. All three became violently ill and Long Liyuan died.

Police initially detained the owner of the restaurant for serving contaminated food. But now they have arrested a local official who is suspected of having deliberately poisoned the dish.

It's something they need to sort out fast. When you can't rely on the wholesomeness of cat stew, the Chinese tourism trade could be in big trouble.

Ring of truth

RECENTLY we had the story of the Swedish farmer's wife who lost her wedding ring then found it 16 years later round a carrot growing in her vegetable garden. Reader Johan Bouwer had a similar experience.

In 1965 his Uncle Harry, living in Salisbury, Rhodesia (as it then was), bought his wife a yellow diamond ring. A few years later the ring was lost, thought to have been stolen. Uncle Harry submitted a claim to his insurers and was paid out.

"We were celebrating New Year of 1973 with them. Walking in the garden, my wife spotted this ring on the stem of a flower.

"It turned out that while my aunt was gardening she'd lost the ring. After all those years it surfaced on a germinating flower. Honest guy that Harry is, he took the ring to the insurers and explained what had happened. They told him he could keep the money and the ring."

Wow! You don't what's the more remarkable the ring turning up that way or the generosity of the insurers.

Birthday bash

IN RECENT times I've had to write the obituary of so many of my old colleagues as they fall off the perch that it's refreshing to be able to describe the 80^th birthday celebrations of another who's still going like a Boeing.

Derek Taylor is known to most of you for his witty restaurant reviews in the Sunday Tribune. Actually his career in newspapers stretches back to the Crimean War or thereabouts. Derek is astonishingly fit for his age, though he tells me he's had a couple of setbacks of late. Various bits of metal that have embedded themselves in his system over the years copper from an air crash while doing national service with the Royal Australian Air Force in the early 50s, bits of shrapnel from Vietnam have started wandering about his person and the doctors have to cut them out when they appear. But otherwise he's fine.

You'd expect a restaurant critic to come up with the goods for a celebration, and the Hellenic Club, in Durban North, delivered the goods in fine style. Among the guests at my table were two experts in feminist literature (a subject that has always been close to my heart) and Sam Hutton, who played front rank for Ireland in days of yore.

Sam is from County Antrim, an Ulsterman like Ireland and British Lions captain Willie-John McBride. When I asked if it were true that he used to bully Willie-John and scrum him into the ground at club practice, he laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair. A very modest man is Sam.

Yes, a lot of fun. Good nosh, good wine, good chatter. I can't remember if we ended up throwing plates at the wall but we probably did.

Tailpiece

"GET OUT, YOU filthy pervert!" shrieked the Madam as a bouncer bundled Van der Merwe out of the brothel. He'd asked if he could pay in Euros.

Last word

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Mark Twain

The Idler, Monday, January 9, 2012

2012-01-09T19:26:00.000+02:00

Test cricket wins again

LET NOBODY say test cricket is boring. Take last week's Third Test at Newlands. We had Jacques Kallis's sublime double ton plus a harvest of centuries and high scores from both sides. We had some superlative catching and fielding. We had Vernon Philander's breakthrough seam bowling on an unresponsive wicket. We had our mammoth first innings and Sri Lanka's brave and gritty fight-back to make us bat again.

There was also comedy. Sri Lankan skipper Tillakaratne Dilshan won the toss and sent us in to bat on a wicket that made a pancake look positively mountainous. That's a rib-tickler. We had Graeme Smith and Elviro Pietersen striding out to chase down a victory target of two runs. This is knockabout stuff.

The script called for a no-ball and a wide and, sure enough, Dhammika Prasad provided the no-ball with his first delivery, though Pietersen drove it to the boundary for the extra run needed.

This is high comedy mixed in with great and serious cricket. What more could you provide by way of entertainment? The chorus line of the Folies Bergere? Well, maybe but even that wouldn't steal the show.

Expert analysis

MOST of us, I'm sure, are totally baffled by the system of caucuses and primaries by which American voters decide who the Republican candidate will be in this year's presidential election. What does it actually mean, for instance, when Mitt Romney beats Rick Santorum by eight votes in the Iowa caucus?

On the spot analysis by an expert is required. I bring you (from his website) American satirist Andy Borowitz.

"Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was overjoyed today after finishing the Iowa caucuses in a virtual tie with a walking joke who wears sweater vests.

"'The eight people have spoken!' exclaimed Mr. Romney, who was joined by supporters celebrating his .0006 percent margin of victory.

"The former Massachusetts governor put the best face on his razor-thin lead, telling supporters: 'Say what you will, but eight votes is still six more than Rick Perry can count.'

"Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.

"As for the other candidates, runner-up Rick Santorum said that he had received a phone call from President Obama: 'He stopped laughing just long enough to say congratulations.'

"Representative. Michele Bachmann told supporters: 'I don't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also, the words science, math, apple and cat.'"

(It would appear that Rep Bachmann has since consulted a dictionary. She's withdrawn from the contest).

And there you have it in a nutshell.

Nature corrects

ANTELOPE, elephants, leopards and lions are grazing and reproducing again in the Majete Wildlife Reserve, according to this news report from Malawi. It follows a repopulation project "of biblical proportions" by the African Parks Network.

This is surely most welcome, another rolling back of the depredations on wildlife and the environment; another victory for the cause of conservation and sustainability.

But if the leopards and lions have taken to grazing, is there not a great risk of eventual over-population at Majete?

Unless, of course, the wildebeest and impala have turned carnivorous. Nature always corrects.

Python on diet

DID YOU EVER get that feeling over the festive season that you're like a python who's swallowed a buck and you want to stretch yourself between two trees?

That's how a huge python named Atomic Betty was beginning to feel. Atomic Betty, who lives in a wildlife park in Gosford, Australia, was chowing 10 goats a year, taking about half an hour to swallow each one then a week to digest it. But she was getting a bit plump.

The zoo-keepers decided she needed to diet and last year cut her down to three or four goats a year. Just before New Year they held a big weigh-in it took about six keepers to lift and hold Betty and it's been a success, her weight is down.

But Betty has a decidedly hungry look. They need to keep counting their keepers at Gosford.

Tailpiece

TWO BLONDES are playing pool. They play for three hours without sinking a single ball.

One asks: "Do you wanna cheat?"

"Cheat what way?"

"Let's remove the triangle."

Last word

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Sir Winston Churchill

The Idler, Friday, January 6, 2012

2012-01-09T19:24:00.000+02:00

The Amazing Spider-Man

SCIENTISTS in the US are trying to breed silkworms to produce silk as strong as that used by comic book hero The Amazing Spider-Man to snare bad guys and swing between city skyscrapers.

It seems that in weight for weight terms spider silk is stronger than steel. But spiders can't be farmed for their silk because they don't produce enough and they tend to eat one another anyway. Silkworms seem a better bet but you have to breed silkworms that produce silk as tough as spider silk. That's what they're working on.

But I suspect they're on the wrong track. Don't they know The Amazing Spider-Man got his powers through being bitten by a radio-active spider? Where did you ever hear of a radio-active silkworm?

No, there's no substitute for The Amazing Spider-Man. Without his efforts, society is at the mercy of The Chameleon, The Vulture, Doctor Octopus, The Sandman, The Lizard, Electro, Mysterio, the Green Goblin, Kraven the Hunter, The Scorpion, The Rhino, The Shocker, The Kingpin, The Jackal, The Hobgoblin, Venom, Carnage and The Sinister Six.

We can't afford to take chances.

Spirit level

MEANWHILE, scientists in Scotland tell us Loch Ness is like a giant spirit level. It tilts back and forth as the whole country bends with the passing of the tides. When combined with the direct gravitational tug of the moon and sun, the loch surface goes up and down by 1.5mm.

Whoops, I'm queasy!

Reverse flow

THE BRITISH Isles have been struck by fearsome winter gales. At a place called Great Dun Fell, in the Pennines which separate Yorkshire and Lancashire a waterfall instead of gushing down flowed upwards and into the sky.

Ee, ba goom! Can you Howick folk beat that?

Merry England

THERE are concerns about the Sealyham terrier, the tough little Welsh blighter who is one of the best ratters in the world. Only 49 Sealyhams were bred in Britain last year, putting them in danger of extinction as a breed. Yet once they were popular with royalty and Hollywood celebrities alike. King George V and Princess Margaret owned Sealyhams. So did Humphrey Bogart, Elizabeth Taylor, Cary Grant and director Alfred Hitchcock, who was accompanied by two of his dogs in one of his cameo walk-ons.

The Sealyham was bred in Pembrokeshire early in the 19^th century by Captain John Edwardes from the Dendie Dimont terrier, the West Highland white terrier, the Welsh corgi, the fox terrier and the English white terrier (now extinct).

The dramatic change is attributed to new fashions, the availability of chic new breeds and the absurdly PC veterinary ruling that tails may not be docked. Many terrier enthusiasts would rather do without than have a long-tailed terrier.

Now a man named Harry Parsons has founded a Working Sealyham Terrier Club and is campaigning to raise the dogs' profile and save the bloodline from dying out. He says that would be to lose a bit of "merry old England".

Strength to his elbow! There have been reports that No 10 Downing Street has a problem with rats. Harry needs to get around there with a pack of Sealyhams and set them to it. Don't worry what Mrs Cameron has to say about it, the publicity will be marvellous. Suh, boys, suh! Merry England must be rescued!

Hold your breath!

CONFRONTATION looms in the Gulf of Hormuz. The Far East holds its breath at what might happen in North Korea. Syria goes through paroxysms of brutality and violence.

And British TV celebrity Imogen Thomas has put on three ounces over Christmas/New Year and is determined to diet. So there! She's got it out on Twitter for the world to know, including a shot of her in a bikini, showing the revolting 3oz bulge.

Let's get our priorities right.

Tailpiece

TWO ELDERLY ladies are eating breakfast in a restaurant. Ethel notices something odd about Mabel's ear. She says: ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel: "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it. "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

Last word

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.

Rene Descartes

The Idler, Thursday, January 5, 2011

2012-01-03T00:27:00.000+02:00

Sweden's hottest couple

SIXTEEN years ago a Swedish farmer's wife lost her wedding ring after she took it off to do some Christmas baking. She searched her kitchen high and low but it was inexplicably and upsettingly - gone.

Last week she pulled up some carrots in the vegetable garden and found that one was growing through a ring, embedded in its flesh. Yes, it was her white-gold wedding ring, set with seven small diamonds.

Reconstructing events, Lena Paahlsson and husband Ola believe the ring must have fallen into the kitchen sink and become lost among vegetable peelings. These would either have been turned into compost or fed to the sheep, who would then have converted them into manure. The compost/manure was spread on the vegetable garden.

Against incredible odds, a carrot seed then sprouted through the ring, producing a carrot to be pulled up by Mrs Paahlsson.

I hope the Paahlssons have taken a ticket in the European Lotto. They're hot!

Sound philosophy

READER Betty Aikman joins the discussion of Durban's new street names. In 2008 she visited Russia and on a trip by river from Moscow to St Petersburg,called at a town of 600 000 inhabitants called Yaroslavl, which had been established in 1010. This meant that in 2010 it celebrated one thousand years of existence.

"The guide who took us round insisted that names of streets and so forth were never changed as it was all part of Yaroslavl's history. Good and bad - it happened.

"I thought that quite a practical philosophy."

Absolutely. And the changes in Durban don't just try to deny and escape our history, they actually interfere with the smooth functioning of the city. You can't use the new names to post a letter. If that's not crazy town planning, what is?

Jungle stars

CHEETA, the chimpanzee who starred with Johnny Weismuller and Maureen O'Sullivan in the early Tarzan movies, has died in Florida at the astonishing age of 80. He died of kidney failure on Christmas Eve at the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary, at Palm Harbour.

Cheeta moved to the sanctuary from Weismuller's estate, where he had earlier lived with his co-star. Weismuller himself lived to the age of 79 and Maureen O'Sullivan to an even more impressive 87.

It seems there's a lot to be said for the healthy lifestyle of swinging about the jungle on lianas.

A-a-a-a-yeh-yeh-yeh,yeh-yo-o-o-o-o!

Banana-Sam

MEANWHILE a tiny squirrel monkey named Banana-Sam, who had been stolen from San Francisco Zoo by thieves who had cut through the netting of his enclosure, has been found safe in a nearby park.

Zoo officials had earlier warned that the monkey, who stands at only 30cm in his socks and weighs just under one kilogram, has razor-sharp teeth and is a ferocious biter.

Presumably his captors found him too much to handle. We're not told if human fingers have been found in the park.

Scots wildcats

STILL with wildlife, they're getting a bit worried in Scotland about the well-being of the "highland tiger" wildcats, whose numbers are believed to have diminished to only about 400 purebred specimens in the wild, partly as a result of in-breeding with domestic cats.

Scientists from Scottish National Heritage are going to a great deal of trouble, setting up cameras at various points to see how the wildcats are faring, especially in the winter snow. In a recent project in Cairngorms National Park they managed to photograph 13 "wild living" cats, of which four were identified as definite purebred wildcats.

The concern is most commendable, especially in a country where they wear the kilt and there's a natural reluctance to step over a wildcat in the dark.

A-a-a-a-yeh-yeh-yeh-yeh yo-o-o-o-o!

Cordon bleau

MORE culinary delights from the menus of the world:

· Lioness cutlet (Egypt).

· Pork with fresh garbage (Vietnam).

· Roasted duck let loose (Poland).

· Lobster thermos (Egypt).

· Muscles of marines (Egypt).

· Sweat from the trolley (Italy).

· Strawberry crap (Japan).

Bon appetit!

Tailpiece

A MAN GOES into a psychiatrist's rooms. He has a piece of buttered toast on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, a sausage in his left nostril and a strip of bacon tried to each eyebrow.

Psychiatrist: "Can I help you with anything?"

Man: "Well, I'm really worried about my brother."

Last word

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

Mae West

n association with

The Idler, Wednesday, January 4, 2011

2012-01-03T00:24:00.000+02:00

Dinner for One

THE CLASSIC TV sketch, Dinner for One very popular in Germany especially has had a slight retouching. Dinner for One has the upper class Miss Sophie (May Warden) celebrating her 90^th birthday with her four best friends, who have unfortunately all predeceased her. But her butler James (Freddie Frinton) has set the places for them all the same and serves them, to humour Miss Sophie, polishing off their share of the wine and getting steadily more and more drunk. There are some wonderfully comic moments such as when he keeps tripping over a tiger skin with mounted head, stretched out on the floor.

There's rather a suggestive finale as the two of them ascend the stairs after dinner, James by now staggering, and Miss Sophie saying: "The same procedure as last year?" to which he responds that he'll do his very best."

It's hilariously funny and it's been going 34 years. In Germany it's become a cult over the New Year holiday period.

The retouching? The faces of Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy have been superimposed on Miss Sophie and James. Sarkozy gets thoroughly plastered and imitates the absent guests, George Papandreous, former prime minister of Greece, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, former prime minister of Spain and David Cameron, prime minister of Britain. It's been put on YouTube and has already attracted 200 000 viewers.

Why not? They might as well get a laugh out of the Euro crisis.

Anti-social croc

A CROCODILE named Elvis leaped out of the water in an Australian reptile park north of Sydney, clamped his jaws on a motor mower then dragged it into its pond. It was so quick it almost dragged in keeper Billy Collett who had been mowing the grass.

The massive Elvis he weighs 500 kg then mounted jealous guard over the mower at the bottom of the pond. It was retrieved only by attracting him away with fresh kangaroo meat.

Elvis is a bit of a problem croc. He was transferred to the park from another one after he'd taken to killing his female companions.

Why the anti-social behaviour? How would you like to be called Elvis?

Tackies riot

POLICE had to be called in to control crowds in America over the holiday period as they stampeded and fought to get their hands on Air Jordan 11 Retro Concords trainers (or tackies, as we call them) re-issued by Nike

It's not clear whether the frenzy was caused by nostalgia for the distinctive black and white footwear or by the special price of $180.

It happened at various centres across the country. In Seattle a would-be buyer punched a police officer in the melee.

"He did not get his shoes," said police spokesman Mike Murphy, "Instead he went to jail."

It's extraordinary, this fixation with tackies. Who would pay the equivalent of R1 200 or so for a pair? Yet in the American inner cities they apparently kill for them.

Rare bird

TWITCHERS in Britain are frantic with excitement at the sighting of a western sandpiper - a rare North American wading bird - at Cley Marshes, in Norfolk.

It's the first time the species has been seen in Norfolk and only around eight have been recorded ever in Britain. The juvenile bird measures 15cm from tail to bill.

More than 2 000 people have visited Cley Marshes in the hope of seeing the migrant visitor, among them birdwatchers from France, Belgium and Germany.

This is progress. Not all that long ago, somebody would have shot the rare bird with an airgun, stuffed it and put it in a museum.

Tailpiece

A VISITOR to an unspoiled island in the Pacific is unnerved by the constant drumming that comes from the jungle. Nobody will tell him what it's about. When he asks if the drumming ever stops, they shudder and scuttle away. Eventually he corners an old man and says: "Look, what is it with this constant drumming? How does one get them to shut up?"

The old man looks at him pityingly. "You are a very foolish young man. Nobody should ever want the drumming to stop."

"Why not?"

"When the drums stop, the harmonica solo starts."

Last word

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Jane Austen

The Idler, Tuesday, January 3, 2011

2012-01-03T00:23:00.001+02:00

Newt seeks incognito status

NEWS from America, where the race for the Republican Party candidature for the presidential election has everyone agog. It seems front-runner Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House of Representatives, is now beginning to fade in the opinion polls as people remember who he is.

This is according to satirist Andy Borowitz, who says on his website that people are beginning to remember Gingrich as a bit of a plonker. He quotes Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota Opinion Research Institute.

"Newt Gingrich has got to do something fast to keep people from remembering who he is. He might try growing a moustache or wearing an eye patch, but that might be too little, too late."

Borowitz says Gingrich campaign strategists are working overtime to confront the challenge posed by voters remembering who he is..

"According to one campaign source, the Gingrich campaign has begun seeking the support of people with mental disorders and other memory issues that make it hard for them to retain basic information. The problem is, most of those people are currently running for President."

A dreadful dilemma. Perhaps Newt should go for a sex change and a ginger wig. (The ginger wig is important because people might otherwise mistake him for Sarah Palin). American politics becomes absolutely fascinating.

Rattlin' good yarn

MY HOLIDAY reading has been enlivened in recent days by a book written by Wilf Nussey, my editor in days of yore when I used to trundle about Africa filing despatches by carrier pigeon and message in cleft stick. Wilf was editor of the Argus Africa News Service for a long time, notably during the abrupt withdrawal of the Portuguese from their African colonies, leaving in their wake a great deal of chaos.

He was a hands-on sort of editor who enjoyed nothing more than to disappear into the bush for weeks on end, finding out what was really cooking. I think he was totally unsurprised when General Antonio de Spinola staged his coup in Lisbon and began the programme of decolonisation. The Portuguese military were fed up with pointless colonial wars.

Wilf was considered to be absolutely the authority on matters in Africa. The Africa Service had offices in Johannesburg, Salisbury (as it then was), Windhoek, Luanda, Dar-es-Salaam, Nairobi and Accra. It also had a network of top-flight correspondents across the rest of the continent.

Wilf worked very closely with the BBC on an informal basis; also with some of America's leading newspaper titles. Senior foreign correspondents from around the world would seek him out for a briefing before venturing into the maelstrom of southern Africa.

He's written several books including one (yet to be published) on the Africa Service itself. His latest, Darts of Deceit (Rebel ePublishers), is a new departure in two ways. It's unabashedly fiction; and it's an e-book. You order it by finding it on Amazon and similar sites, paying by credit card and then downloading it to your kindle or whatever. It's also available (mainly for review purposes) as a fat paperback, very cleanly produced.

Darts of Deceit is an enthralling read, set mainly in Mozambique during the time of the Frelimo-Renamo civil war; the disintegration of apartheid; and the disintegration of the Soviet Union. Anti-Gorbachev malcontents in the Soviet Union seek to derail Perestroika by introducing nuclear weaponry to southern Africa.

After a lifetime of precision with the facts, Nussey has given his imagination free rein. The book is tautly written; the complex plot takes unexpected twists and turns, right into the final pages. For those of us who knew Mozambique, the atmosphere is absolutely authentic. There's also quite a bit of boozing and a lot of sex. (Where Wilf gets that from, I just don't know. The foreign press corps in Africa were like choirboys).

This is a different kind of book and a darned good read.

Tailpiece

HONEYMOON confessions.

He: "Much as I love you, I'm crazy about golf. It has to come first."

She: "I'm a hooker."

He: "No problem. Close your stance, keep your head down and straighten your left arm."

Last word

Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it.

Stephen Vizinczey

The Idler, Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2011-12-31T21:09:00.001+02:00

Recovery mode

BY NOW MOST of us should be in full recovery mode after the New Year festivities. Ogden Nash wrote a poem about the phenomenon, titled They Won't Believe, on New Year's Eve, That New Year's Day Will Come What May:

How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,
And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.
What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me?
I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me.
Your wife can't be a banshee
Or can she?
Of course, some wives become less fond
When you're bottled in bond.
My Uncle George, in lavender-scented Aunt Edna's Day,
If he had a glass of beer on Saturday night, he didn't dare come home till the following Wednesday.
I see now that he had hit upon the ideal idea:
The passage of time, and plenty of it, is the only marital panacea

Yes, a hazard of the season. Is there anything more vivid than Dorothy Parker's piece, You Were Perfectly Fine?

"The pale young man eased himself carefully into the low chair, and rolled his head to the side, so that the cool chintz comforted his cheek and temple. 'Oh, dear,' he said. 'Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh.' The clear-eyed girl, sitting light and erect on the couch, smiled brightly at him. 'Not feeling so well today?' she said. 'Oh, I'm great,' he said. 'Corking, I am. Know what time I got up? Four o'clock this afternoon, sharp. I kept trying to make it, and every time I took my head off the pillow, it would roll under the bed. This isn't my head I've got on now. I think this is something that used to belong to Walt Whitman. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.'

"'You were fine,' she said. 'Don't be foolish about it. Everybody was crazy about you. The maitre d'hotel was a little worried because you wouldn't stop singing, but he really didn't mind. All he said was, he was afraid they'd close the place again, if there was so much noise. But he didn't care a bit himself. I think he loved seeing you have such a good time. Oh, you were just singing away, there, for about an hour. It wasn't so terribly loud, at all.'"

Amazing! This is a faithful rendition of New Year's Eve events at the La Bella street shelter for the over-40s last Saturday night. Yet Dorothy Parker wrote it in 1929.

Street names

LAST week's piece on the frustrations caused on all sides by Durban's new street names draws a response from Caryl Cusens and Hannah Lurie, both of Morningside.

Caryl notes that the traffic report on East Coast Radio tried using the new names but soon reverted to the old.

"I have the same trouble as you when I try to direct visitors to my home in Morningside. I have to give them landmarks rather than unpronounceable or non-existent street names as I can't remember which names have changed and what they've changed to.

"Why they had to do 100 all in one go, I'll never understand. I bet not even Michael Sutcliffe can remember all of them."

Hannah says she and her neighbour now live in two places at once.

"My street number and my neighbour's are replicated. North Ridge (where I live) and what was Ridge Road are now both Peter Mokaba Road so we are in two places at once. I hope they haven't received all our Christmas cards in Central Ridge, not to mention South Ridge."

Yes, the fiasco continues to unravel.

Security

MEANWHILE, reader Graham Rudolph says he's solved the question of home security.

"I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window and a "God loves the AWB" sticker on my car. My sound system is playing 'De la Rey' at full volume.

"The local police, the Department of Home Affairs, and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer."

Tailpiece

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said: "Implants?" She hit me.

Last word

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Alfred Adler

The Idler, Friday, December 30, 2011

2011-12-29T12:06:00.001+02:00

Hogmanay bears down on us

I belong to Glasgow,
Dear old Glasgie toon;
But somethin's the matter wi' Glasgie,
For it's goin' roond an' roond!
I'm only a common old working chap,
As anyone here can see,
But when I get a couple o' drinks on a Saturday,
Glasgow belongs to me!

YES, HOGMANAY belongs to the Scots. As do St Andrew's Nicht and Burns Nicht. But noisy celebration of the passing of the Old Year and the birth of the New has spread across the world to all kinds of peoples and cultures, though usually still with a strong Scots flavour, not least of single malt. Rabbie Burns captured the celebrations worldwide for Scotland with Auld Lang Syne, which they will start singing in Australia and New Zealand some time tonight and will carry on in shifts for 24 hours as our planet spins in its orbit round the sun for the last time in 2011.

Why the excitement? What's the significance of just another day? One thinks of the famous Punch cartoon of two hippos standing in a swamp, one saying: "I keep thinking it's Thursday". What makes Saturday, December 31, 2011, any different, when you think of the vastness of the universe and the millions of years it's been going, from January 1, 2012? Why such a fixation on the calendar?

It's difficult to answer. Probably humanity needs a sense of renewal, new hope. Why the booziness? Maybe people just need a party, to let their hair down. Burns certainly sensed that. But the lines quoted above are not from Burns, they're by music hall entertainer Will Fyffe who based them on an encounter he had at Glasgow Central Station in the 1920s with a drunk who was declaiming with equal enthusiasm on Karl Marx and John Barleycorn (favourite topics at Glasgow Central Station late at night).

Fyffe asked the drunk if he belonged to Glasgow, to which he replied: "At the moment, at the moment, Glasgow belongs to me!" And from this sprang the song, adding to Scotland's reputation for living it up.^[1]

We all know who Karl Marx was (though he's not likely to feature much in tomorrow night's celebrations. The Theory of Surplus Value is a bit of a clunker on New Year's Eve). Who was John Barleycorn?

Actually he's a mythical figure of an English folksong (English, not Scottish) who is killed, ploughed under, harrowed, scythed and generally mistreated, but harvested and eventually made into beer and whisky. Scholar Kathleen Herbert draws a link between Beowa (a mythical figure stemming from Anglo-Saxon paganism whose name means "barley") and the figure of John Barleycorn. She says Beowa and Barleycorn are one and the same. The hymn, We Plough the Fields and Scatter, is often sung at Harvest Festival to the same tune as the folksong.

That's interesting. Just as Christmas was celebrated again last week as an overlay to the ancient pagan celebration of the winter solstice, so tomorrow's festivities are lubricated in large part by John Barleycorn, a once pagan figure who now provides the score to a Harvest Festival hymn. It's rather cheering.

People will be celebrating all over the place tomorrow. Everywhere will be Glasgow. I personally will probably repair to the La Bella street shelter for over-40s for some sedate Bambaduza dancing and the occasional libation to John Barleycorn. Other celebrations are likely to be rather more riotous. I urge restraint (though not necessarily in the Bambaduza department). Avoid any possibility of interaction with the Fuzz. I mean walk or take a taxi. Meanwhile, to quote the Immortal Rabbie Burns:

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o' thine,
And we'll tak a right guid willie-waught
For auld lang syne!

A happy and prosperous New Year to all of you!

Tailpiece

NEW YEAR'S Resolution for 2012 no more wine, women and song.

Wine? I prefer whisky anyway.

Women? I didn't say anything about girls.

Song? Nor did I say anything about the saxophone.

Another tough and challenging year lies ahead.

Last word

When I remember by-gone days
I think how evening follows morn
So many I loved were not yet dead
So many I love were not yet born.
~ Ogden Nash

The Idler, Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011-12-24T22:42:00.000+02:00

Street names again

IN HIS LATEST grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener revisits the issue of renaming Durban's streets.

"Some of the earliest of the renamed streets here in Durban are back to their original names following the unearthing of some legal glitch in the original process. Nothing was said about that process being insensitive, unnecessary, costly and stupid.

"The argument against changing a name from one now unremembered and possibly dubious dignitary to another whose fame is equally mystifying has nothing to do with disrespect for the newcomer but everything to do with continuity and history. Surely the number of roads being created in this ever expanding metropolis far exceeds the number of folk deemed worthy of being remembered by a length of tarmac?"

Well, quite. It came to me yet again the other day when I had to get hold of the AA (not Alcoholics Anonymous, the other one). I was in a road I have always known as Walter Gilbert.

But the AA breakdown service in Johannesburg couldn't find a Walter Gilbert Road on their computer system. Was it one of the Durban street names that have been changed they asked?

I had no idea. There was no street sign. I accosted a passer-by who assured me he worked in the road and its name was Walter Gilbert.

I was between Moses Mabhida stadium and King's Park stadium, both of which the AA people could find on their system, but the road between them was a mystery.

Fifteen minutes late the AA were back on the line. They'd found it. The name had been changed.

"What's the new name?" I asked.

"It's Isaac ... I'm sorry, I can't pronounce the rest."

No matter, a breakdown vehicle was despatched.

How often every day is something similar not enacted? What is the cost in cash terms and aggravation? Surely it's the height of folly to tamper with the smooth functioning of a major city in this way?

The Post Office doesn't use the new street names. Nor does the Deeds Office. Even the municipality uses the old names to send out accounts.

This is pretty comprehensive failure. And all for the sake of some cheap political grandstanding.

Black hole?

STANDING there waiting between Moses Mabhida and King's Park, one reflected. On one side an old-fashioned, functional stadium designed for rugby; fully paid off, successful, assured of crowd revenues.

On the other a visual masterpiece that is unfortunately unsuitable for rugby or cricket, while local soccer will not provide the crowds to support it. Fifa has apparently reneged on its share of the billions it cost to build. The council seem to be casting about desperately to find a role for the new stadium, even if it means filming the BBC's dire Top Gear programme there at a further cost of millions to the city and the province. Moses Mabhida begins to look like a financial black hole.

Makes ya think!

Linguistic tide

AN ELDERLY robber known as the "Geezer Bandit" has been responsible for 16 bank hold-ups in California over the past two years. He is so named because he appears to be at least 70 and sometimes has with him an oxygen bottle during his stick-ups.

But the FBI now suspect he could be a lot younger; that he uses an elaborate disguise. In his most recent heist at San Luis Obispo, things went wrong and he sprinted away from the bank at a speed which belied his apparent old age. The FBI think he might be wearing a latex mask and gloves to give an impression of advanced years.

This being America in the digital age, the Geezer Bandit has become something of a cult. A Facebook page has attracted 12 000 supporters and sells merchandise. The FBI offers a reward of $20 000 for information leading to his capture.

It's an extraordinary story not least that he should be known as the Geezer Bandit. "Geezer" is Cockney slang for an old-timer. Never before have I heard it used in an American context. Is the linguistic tide turning at last?

Tailpiece

A GANG of robbers hit a lawyers' office and are making a run for it.

"That was tough but at least we've got R5 000," one pants.

"Are you crazy? We went in with R10 000!"

Last word

Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.

Peter York

ded Stories

The Idler, Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011-12-24T22:40:00.000+02:00

It's a jungle

AS THE FESTIVE season rolls on, police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs of a male date-drug. They are urged to be alert and to stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females are using a date-drug that is on the market under the name "beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles or cans or from taps. It is also found in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desire to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Careful, fellows. It's a jungle out there.

Small town ways

A RECENT piece recalled the case of a letter that was successfully delivered to the intended recipient at a rural post office in Zululand, the address consisting only of: "Elderly Zulu, Speaks English, PO Ntingwe."

It reminds reader Gary Usher, a storekeeper at Wasbank, way out in the bundu about 50 km from Dundee in northern KZN, of an incident about 20 years ago when his young son, Paul, needed flu medication.

Their driver, Khuzwayo, went into Dundee to pick up various items. When he got to the chemist's, they knew nothing about pills for Paul (his mum had forgotten to phone through nor did the chemist or his assistants know the Ushers).

"Good old Khuzwayo stood his ground and was adamant that he could not leave without pills for the sick Paul. The chemist and the assistants were most helpful, asking how old this child was? Where did he live, etc? Eventually someone knew someone who had a child by the name of Paul. The chemist traced us under the Helpmekaar section of the telephone directory and was able to tell us that someone had arrived to collect pills for Paul. Did Paul belong to us?

"There's a lot to be said for small towns . The diligent Khuzwayo arrived back home with the pills."

Belgian bust

POLICE in Belgium have discovered 11 Nile crocodiles and one alligator, kept illegally at a home in the village of Lapscheure, in the north of the country.

They have been taken to an animal rescue centre, from which an appropriate home will be sought for them.

We're not told where in the villager's home they were kept. The bathtub, taking it in turns? Nor are we told why the villager kept crocs and an alligator.

But the Belgian police are obviously on top of things. I wonder when they'll do something about that dreadful little fellow urinating in public in the centre of Brussels?

Food breakdown

SCIENTISTS have discovered that we live on only about a third of the food we eat. Health farms, gymnasiums and diet pill manufacturers live on the other two thirds.

Tailpiece

WHAT'S the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker after a market crash? The pigeon can still put a deposit on a new Merc.

Last word

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.

Fred Thompson

The Idler, Tuesday, December 27, 2011

2011-12-24T22:38:00.000+02:00

There was a jolly swagman ...

HEY, HE'S A razzler this Prince William. The other night he and the delectable Kate (stuffier individuals call her the Duchess of Cambridge) went to a youth shelter in Camberwell, London, where they danced with the locals.

Not only that, Wills stole the show by introducing a new dance called the Swag. In that he brushes imaginary dandruff off his shoulders while Kate mirrors him. It brought the house down.

The Swag will now become all the rage at every nightspot in London. It sounds remarkably like what we at La Bella call the Bambaduza, where you pull your partner in close and pretend to sweep the dandruff off each other's shoulders. It is fairly erotic.

How nice it would be if Wills and Kate could join us for New Year. We're a kind of over-40s youth shelter. Next year maybe?

Brain teaser

HERE'S something to clear away the Christmas cobwebs, sent in by Lilian Develing, of Hillcrest. It's a brain study and if you can read it you have a strong mind.

Once you get past the first two words it becomes easier. Here goes:

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

W311 done!

New words

SOME new entries to the English dictionary:

· Aquadextrous - Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

· Carperpetuation - The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

· Disconfect - To sterilise the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

· Elbonics - The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.

· Frust - The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

· Lactomangulation - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

· Peppier - The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

· Phonesia - The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting who you were calling just as they answer.

· Pupkus - The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

· Telecrastination - The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Financial paean

READER Andrew Dale sends in some lines on the financial chaos in Europe.

A Euro Paean.

The Germans as usual were quick off the mark.

The French were perhaps less than frank.
The British, more openly, chose to expound
That expense would be borne by the bank.
One thing they've all learned as the world's debts increase:
You are much better off if you don't elbow grease.

That's right. Slackers of the world unite!

Tailpiece

THIS fellow sits down beside a blonde in a sports bar. The news on the TV screen shows a man on a ledge outside a high building, looking as if he's a about to jump.

Blonde: "Do you think he'll jump?"

Fellow: "I bet he'll jump."

Blonde: "I bet he won't."

The fellow puts a R100 note on the bar counter: "You're on!"

Just as the blonde puts her R100 on the bar, the guy on the ledge does a swallow dive off the building.

The blonde hands over her R100. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Fellow: "I can't take it. I saw this on the earlier newscast. I knew he'd jump."

Blonde : "I did, too. But I didn't think he'd do it again."

The fellow keeps the cash.

Last word

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

The Idler, Friday, December 23, 2011

2011-12-24T22:36:00.000+02:00

Christmas is here

CHRISTMAS is upon us. It's a time of festivity and giving, of reconciliation and goodwill. It's interesting to look at the way different writers have portrayed it.

Most people think of Charles Dickens and A Christmas Carol, and indeed the Dickensian Christmas  food drink and jollity among the holly and ivy  has permeated the world over. But, let's be honest, there's also something a little mawkish and schmaltzy about A Christmas Carol.

How about WW Jacobs, that wonderful short story writer of the turn of the 19^th century, who divided his attention between the London docklands and the inland village of Claybury? In Prize Money, the villagers have contributed twopence a week toward a Christmas hamper.

" there was a fine, large turkey in it, a large goose, three pounds o' pork sausages, a bottle o' whiskey, a bottle o' rum, a bottle o' brandy, a bottle o' gin, and two bottles o' wine.  The hamper was all decorated with holly, and a little flag was stuck in the top."

But no. The local poacher, Bob Pretty, won the hamper by sleight of hand and went on to blackmail the others for 30 shillings when they tried to steal it back. That's not in the spirit of Christmas.

How about F Scott Fitzgerald? In A Luckless Santa Claus, a wealthy young man spends Christmas Eve trying to give away $25 to strangers in New York, in a wager with his girl. He meets with nothing but hostility.

"Dorothy rushed to the window and pulled up the blind. There, coming up the steps on his hands and knees was a wretched caricature of a man. He was hatless, coatless, collarless, tieless, and covered with snow. It was Harry. He opened the door and walked into the parloür, leaving a trail of wet snow behind him."

She asks where he's been, what's happened?

"'Oh, nothing. I've just been giving away that twenty-five dollars.' And Harry sat down on the sofa.

"'But Harry,' she faltered, 'your eye is all swollen.'

"'Oh, my eye? Let me see. Oh, that was on the twenty-second dollar. I had some difficulty with two gentlemen. However, we afterward struck up quite an acquaintance. I had some luck after that. I dropped two dollars in a blind beggar's hat.'"

It turns out he's brought with him the two gentlemen who gave him difficulty.

" 'They are coming home with me to spend Christmas. They are really nice fellows, though they might seem a trifle rough at first.'

"Dorothy drew a quick breath. For a minute no one spoke. Then he took her in his arms.

"'Dearest,' she whispered, 'you did this all for me.''

A minute later he sprang down the steps, and arm in arm with his friends, walked off in the darkness.

""Good night, Dorothy,' he called back, 'and a Merry Christmas!'"

That's more like it. And there's a great realism about it the way he walked off with his mates..

But I think O Henry still come out tops. The Gift of the Magi comes closest to capturing the sublime message of Christmas. A young couple are dead broke in New York in the middle of the Great Depression. She cuts off and sells her beautiful locks to buy him a chain for his prize possession, a watch. He sells his watch to buy her tortoiseshell combs for her beautiful locks.

"The Magi, as you know, were wise men--wonderfully wise men--who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. And here I have lamely related to you the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest. O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the Magi. "

A happy and blessed Christmas to one and all.

Tailpiece

IF THERE are two Father Christmases on your roof, which one's Van der Merwe?

He's the one with the Easter eggs.

Last word

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!
Charles Dickens

NOTICES:
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Idler, Thursday, December 22, 2011

2011-12-24T22:29:00.000+02:00

Now is the biter bit

You cannot hope to bribe or twist

Thank God the British journalist.

But considering what the man will do

Unbribed there's no occasion to.

HILAIRE Belloc's little jingle came constantly to mind this week as Piers Morgan, former editor of the News of the World and of the Mirror, was called to give televised evidence before the Leveson inquiry, Britain's investigation of the ethics and culture of the newspaper industry.

For those of us who have always found the smug self-righteousness of Fleet Street's red-top tabloids as nauseating as their prurience, it was exquisitely funny to watch the chippily self-assured Morgan come up against a judge and barristers who operate to an entirely different value system and are calling the shots.

In spite of the chippiness, Morgan did not fare well. He was strangely unable to recall all kinds of things that seem to have occurred during his editorship of both titles some of which he seems to more or less confirm or hint at in self-aggrandising books he had earlier written about his time in Fleet Street.

Quite apart from phone-hacking, it will be interesting to see if Lord Leveson agrees with Morgan's assumption that going through the rubbish bins of celebrities is a normal part of news-gathering and not an invasion of privacy.

Truly is the biter bit.

Celebrity

BRITISH satirical magazine Private Eye always used to refer to Morgan as Piers "Moron" Morgan. Lately it has become Piers "Morgan" Moron. Will there be another shift?

It was quite breathtaking to hear Morgan today a broadcaster in the US describe himself without apparent embarrassment as "a celebrity".

As Private Eye are also fond of saying: "Pass the sickbag, Alice!"

Xmas code for dogs

MARILYN van Driesen appears to communicate well with animals. She sends in a list of Dogs' Rules for Christmas.

Be especially patient with your humans. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long, comforting dog cuddles.

They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for humans, so there are some things you need to know. Don't widdle on the tree; don't drink the water in the container that holds it; mind your tail when near the tree; if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or have your name on them, don't rip them open.

Your humans may invite lots of strangers to visit. These parties can be lots of fun, but not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it.

A big fat man in red, with a white beard and a very loud laugh, may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!

Good boy!

Cat's treat

TREAT your cat this Christmas. Give him a dead leaf from outside.

Tailpiece

A COUPLE order Chicken Surprise in a Chinese restaurant. The waiter brings a lidded cast-iron pot. She is about to serve herself when the lid of the pot rises

slightly on its own and she gets a glimpse of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?".

He hasn't. He reaches for the pot and again the lid rises and the two little eyes before it slams down.

He calls the waiter and tells him what's happening.

"Please sir, what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

Last word

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.

Edward Chilton

The Idler, WSednesday, December 21, 2011

2011-12-24T22:27:00.001+02:00

Kipling's Great Game

THE RUSSIANS have been upstaging the leaders of the West for some time now. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is constantly filmed or photographed doing macho things like riding horseback bare-chested, darting whales, scuba diving and riding a Harley-Davidson. Obama, Cameron and Sarkozy begin to look pale sissies by comparison.

The other day Putin addressed the lower house of the Russian parliament for three and a half hours, followed up by a question and answer session of an hour and a half. That's also pretty macho. What counter does the West have to this display of stamina and gift of the gab?

But stick around. I'm reliably informed by diplomatic sources that as so often in times of crisis the West plans to fall back on royalty. The Queen's speech to the Commonwealth on Christmas Day is to last six hours. It will contain passages in most of the languages of the Commonwealth Tamil, Urdu, Maori, French and the other 10 official languages of South Africa. Commonwealth citizens will be urged to watch and listen, glass in hand, and cheer at the appropriate moments.

Match that, you fellows with snow on your boots! Kipling used to call it the Great Game.

Russia changes

MEANWHILE, during the hour-and-a-half Q&A, Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinovsky, leader of the Liberal Democratic Party and known as a bit of a wag, rose to tell Mr Putin: "You should have taken a break. You don't think about people. It's lunchtime. No one has had lunch. You'll spoil everyone's digestion system."

Russia has changed for the better. In Stalin's time he would have been dragged outside and shot.

Blarney Brothers

WIT' A SHILLELAGH at me arm and a twinkle in me oi, Oi'll be off to Tipperary in de marnin'

The Blarney Brothers have been part of the Durban music scene as long as I can remember. Tonight they start with the first of three gigs at Riverside, which begin at 7 pm and end at 10, which is rather early.

There was some dispute at a local hostelry the other evening as to the reason. Some say it's to comply with noise abatement regulations in the vicinity. Others say it's to allow Blarney Brothers fans to get into their old age homes again before curfew. Still others say it's to allow the Blarney Brothers themselves to get into their old age homes before curfew.

I really don't know. The curfew tolls the knell of parting day. But I'll be there.

It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me,

But my darling when I think of thee

Hey, this is music!

Rudophino?

READERS Ron and Valerie Johnson bring us a Christmas thought, courtesy of the Alaskan Department of Fish and Game.

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, males drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Females retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring..

Therefore in every rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, has to be a girl.

"We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all round the world in one night and not get lost."

Reindeer sprint

MEANWHILE, at Kempton Park racecourse, in England, Santa's eight antlered reindeer put in a sprint over the final furlong, wearing colours and numbers in freezing conditions.

In spite of being female, they milled about in confusion for a bit then eventually got going in the right direction. After a close-run sprint, five-year-old Dasher eventually galloped to victory, followed by Donner and Vixen. Girls all!

Whippet chase

AIRPORTS often have to close because of geese and other large birds being in the vicinity. They seldom close because of whippets.

Yet Manchester airport, in England, had to be closed for 40 minutes while police and airport staff chased a whippet which had strayed onto the runway and refused to be caught.

As a whippet can run at 35 miles an hour, when it decides not to be caught it stays uncaught. Twelve take-offs were delayed and one passenger jet had to land at another airport 100 miles away before the rascal was captured.

Tailpiece

WHY ARE SO many bad chemistry jokes going about the laboratories at UKZN? All the good ones Argon.

Last word

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Aristotle

The Idler, Monday, December 19, 2011

2011-12-24T22:24:00.000+02:00

Two days adrift

A PENSIONER in England spent two days and two nights on the M25 motorway after missing the turn-off on the way to his daughter's house. Dennis Leighton, 82, was eventually found safe behind the wheel of his Vauxhall in south London, having spent more than 30 hours on the road. He had left Windsor, heading for his daughter's place in Kent.

That's nothing. People in KwaZulu-Natal have been lost without trace trying to find King Shaka international airport.

For some reason the N2 north, leading to King Shaka, still doesn't have the customary aircraft logo painted on the road surface in the appropriate lane. Every other airport in the world has it. The old Durban International had it.

But King Shaka has nothing. If you miss the sign at the roadside you fetch up in Umhlali at best. People have found themselves on the Mozambique border, looking for King Shaka International.

If you panic, think you've missed the turn-off and pull off early, you find yourself at Sibaya Casino and if the fruit machines are coughing you end up missing your flight.

It's most unsatisfactory. People have disappeared from the face of the earth looking for King Shaka International, possibly devoured by lions in Zululand. I suspect that the national roads authority is involved in a massive cover-up.

Old Speckled Hen

THESE marathon road journeys can happen so easily. I was once playing cricket at Kloof when we adjourned after the game to the Stokers Arms. Here I got into deep conversation with a member of the opposing team who I had not seen since varsity days. By the time we left and went our separate ways a thick mist had come down.

Visibility was close to zero as he went through the Marrianhill toll. It was still pea soup as he went through the Tongaat toll (He was a school headmaster on the North Coast).

Then suddenly the mist lifted and he found himself driving through a moonlit landscape that was unfamiliar. There was no sea; no sugar cane; just plains and koppies. Then a sign told him he was approaching Van Reenen's Pass and Harrismith.

Horrors! What he'd thought was the Marrianhill toll was Mooi River. What he'd thought was Tongaat was Ladysmith.

Whoops! U-turn! It was the mist that did it not the Old Speckled Hen.

Cha-cha-cha

'TIS INDEED the season of giving. The other morning I was standing at one of those parking pay machines in the Umhlanga medical centre, having the thing repeatedly spit back at me my R50 note. The charge due was R5. I had no other cash on me. I would have to go and find change.

But then a girl behind me slipped a R5 coin into the slot and voila! it was paid. But I couldn't let her pay for me, I protested. Think nothing of it, she said and was gone.

It's not every day a pretty girl slips you five bucks. If she should read this, she's welcome to come to La Bella where I will buy her a drink and dance the cha-cha-cha with her. It's the least I can do.

Smart answers

THERE'S nothing like a smart answer:

· Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed? - At the bottom of the page.

· The River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid state.

· What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage.

· How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? - No problem, he sleeps at night.

· How can you lift an elephant with one hand? - You will never find an elephant with one hand.

· If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? - Very large hands.

· If it took eight men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men? - No time at all, the wall is already built.

· How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? - Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Tailpiece

Dentist: "You need a root canal procedure."

Female patient (appalled): "I'd as soon have a baby."

Dentist: "Well make up your mind so I can adjust this chair."

Last word

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

Oscar Wilde

The Idler, Friday, December 16, 2011

2011-12-24T22:22:00.000+02:00

Hazards of hunting

THESE dogs are getting trigger-happy. Hardly have we digested the news of the dog who shot his owner up the backside with a shotgun while hunting duck in the state of Utah, in the US, when we get another report of a dog badly wounding his owner with a rifle.

In this second case the owner and a buddy were out hunting deer in Florida. They were driving on a rough dirt road, the rifle and the dog between them in the cab.

As in the earlier case, the dog was overcome with excitement and began jumping around. Next thing it bumped the rifle which went off, wounding the driver in the thigh. He needed surgery and is in a bad way.

It reminds me so much of the case of the Poison Dwarf and his bull terrier bitch, Jezzie. No, Jezzie didn't shoot her owner but she played an integral part in events that were to follow.

The Poison Dwarf (a man I played rugby with for many years) was at a guinea fowl shoot at Otto's Bluff, outside Maritzburg. They were having a tea break. The Poison Dwarf was using an old-fashioned hammer shotgun. As he sipped his tea, he had the barrels of the shotgun pressed against his boot and he leaned on the butt.

Somebody walked by wearing a chunky jersey. He brushed a bit close and the jersey lifted one of the hammers.

Whammo! The shotgun blasted a hole in the Poison Dwarf's boot.

They got the boot off him and discovered his middle toe had been severed completely. They put a tourniquet on him and put him in the cab of a bakkie to rush him to Grey's Hospital.

Somebody threw the toe into the back of the bakkie in case it could be stitched on. The faithful Jezzie jumped on the back as it took off.

Looking in his rear view mirror, the driver then saw the faithful Jezzie swallowing the Poison Dwarf's toe. No stitch-on. But a contented bull terrier. To this day, the Poison Dwarf leaves a distinctive footprint on the beach.

Yes, field sports have their unanticipated hazards.

Witches' coven

WORKMEN in Lancashire, England, have dug up a 17^th century cottage which is believed to have had some connection with the Witches of Pendle.

Sealed into one of the walls they found a mummified cat, which heightens the probability of the Witch connection because cats played an important role in witchcraft. It could have been entombed there alive as part of the dreadful stuff the witches did.

The workmen had been excavating deep to put in water reticulation infrastructure. Archaeologists are now swarming over the site, describing it as "Lancashire's Pompeii".

The Witches of Pendle were the focus of a celebrated witchcraft trial in the 17^th century. They had nothing to do with the feminist movement.

Seal drops in

STAFF AT THE Society for the Protection of Animals thought their caller had been celebrating Christmas a bit early when she insisted she had a seal sitting on the sofa of her living room.

But New Zealander Annette Swoffer was not squiffy. Sure enough, she had a newly weaned seal pup sitting there on a cushion with her cats.

The seal had left the sea at Bay of Plenty, crawled along a busy road then up Mrs Swoffer's driveway, through a cat flap and into the house. The cats set up a yowling and it was then that Mrs Swoffer came downstairs to investigate.

"I thought I was hallucinating," she says. "There was this seal sitting with my cats. It looked at me with those lovely brown eyes. It seemed perfectly at ease. I had a bit of trouble convincing the SPA people."

A conservation officer and police managed to coax the seal into a net, then released it into the harbour.

We're not told what programme was on TV at the time the seal settled in as a couch potato. Animal Planet?

Tailpiece

HOW DO YOU get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to cuss like a sailor?
You get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell: "Bingo!"

Last word

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.

Galileo Galilei

The Idler, RThursday, December 15, 2011

2011-12-24T22:21:00.001+02:00

More razzle-dazzle

THE LARGE Hadron Collider at Geneva, Switzerland, continues to razzle-dazzle. Its scientists recently thought they had discovered neutrinos that travel faster than light, turning accepted quantum physics on its head.

Now they think they might have glimpsed the Higgs boson, a near-mythical particle also known as the "God particle" by which everything in the universe gets its mass (if the theory is correct).

They only think they glimpsed it, mind you. It came as a sort of blip on a graph that occurred twice in different tests as particles were made to collide at high speed in a particle accelerator. But they don't have enough data yet to claim a discovery. They are at the "two sigma" level of certainly. "Five sigma" means there has definitely been a discovery.

Who was Higgs? What's a boson? That's enough silly questions!

Any day now those scientists will bring us the answer to the puzzle that's been bothering us for centuries: How many angels can balance on the point of a needle?

Romney strikes back

NEWS from America. In spite of a backdrop of two extra-marital affairs, Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House of Representatives, has overtaken Mitt Romney as front-runner to become the Republican candidate in next year's presidential election.

How does Romney stage a come-back? Satirist Andy Borowitz suggests he's about to strike back.

"Troubled by his fading poll numbers, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is considering a bold strategy to reboot his Presidential campaign: engaging in a high-profile extramarital affair.

"At a press conference in Concord, New Hampshire today" (Borowitz says) "Mr Romney confirmed that he was consulting with senior advisors about the best way to proceed with an inappropriate relationship.

"'Republican voters have sent the message that they want to vote for an adulterer and I have heard them loud and clear,' he said. 'I promise that I will engage in a world-class extramarital affair that will make all of us proud again.'

"According to one senior advisor, the Romney campaign was already holding focus groups and conducting special polling to determine the best person with whom Mr Romney should conduct his extracurricular dalliance.

"And in a sign that Mr Romney is taking precipitous action to find an object for his adulterous intentions, today his campaign launched a new dating site, SexyTimeWithMitt.com."

Lovely stuff!

Durban, Africa

THIS week's piece on the successful delivery of letters with the scantiest information on the envelope reminds reader Frank van Vloten of a letter that arrived for his wife soon after she arrived in South Africa many years ago.

The address given: Evelyn van Vloten, Durban, Africa

"Such was the postal service in those days that it reached her with perhaps one day's postal delay."

London croc?

HERE be monsters ... as London readies itself for next year's Olympics, a mystery monster has made its presence felt on the River Lea, very close to where the Olympic stadium has been built in the East End of London.

Two men were in a boat on the Lea when a large Canadian goose they were looking at close by suddenly got dragged underwater, never to be seen again.

It's the second such disappearing goose to be reported. The river authorities now note that the swan population seems to have dwindled. Strange burrows have been found in the banks of the river.

Speculation is that it could be a crocodile, a terrapin turtle or even a python pets that have escaped into the wild and grown to a great size.

At least nobody is blaming media tycoon Rupert Murdoch not yet anyway.

Cool cat

WHAT'S new, Pussycat? An Italian cat has inherited the equivalent of almost £10 million, making it the second richest animal in the world.

Maria Assunta died last month aged 94 and left the fortune in property to Tommasino, a stray cat she had found and looked after.

The world's richest animal is thought to be a dog called Gunter IV, a German shepherd who received more than £90 million after his wealthy and eccentric heiress owner Karlotta Liebenstien died and left him her fortune.

In 1988 British recluse Ben Rea left his fortune of £9 million to his cat, Blackie.

Tailpiece

WHAT'S the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? Usually about
20 kg.

Last word

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

John Benfield

The Idler, Wednesday, December 14, 2011

2011-12-24T22:18:00.000+02:00

California drama

EINA! A naked car hijacker was tackled and brought to the ground by a police dog in California, after a 30-mile chase by car and helicopter.

It began in the town of Irvine when the thief (still wearing his gear at that stage) took a luxury Hummer from a chauffeur at gunpoint.

The chauffeur phoned 911 and the chase ensued. Then smoke came from the Hummer's tyres as they reached the town of Whittier and the fugitive slammed on brakes. Then he emerged from the car stark naked and ran into a residential neighbourhood, the police dog giving chase.

It's not known why the thief stripped, what injuries the dog might have inflicted nor indeed what arrangements have been made for the identification parade. Will he be in his gear or in the nude?

Never a dull moment in California.

Sad, desperate folk

THE OTHER night I happened to be chatting to a fellow who works as usher in a west London crown court. We agreed that in the courts you see life in the raw. He said the most distressing thing was the drug mules who came through his court after being nabbed at Heathrow airport.

They were invariably desperately poor people, often very naive, who were being used by the big pushers, who themselves got away scot free. It was the pushers the authorities should be after, he said, not so much the mules.

But at least his crown court doesn't order lethal injections.

In this very sad case of Janice Linden, is there any attempt to find out who got her to take drugs into China? He should be tracked down then sent to China for trial and sentencing.

Slavishness

HOW HARD did the people from Foreign Affairs (or whatever they call themselves these days) fight for clemency in Janice Linden's case? The parliamentary opposition are rightly asking questions.

Would it have helped to mention the Dalai Lama and the way he was treated here? Probably not. Slavishness breeds contempt, not a sense of obligation.

New friends

THERE was something particularly grisly and remorseless about the whole thing. So much for our new friends in Bric. Some of us feel more at home in the Commonwealth. Some maybe not.

Girls and cars

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Tailpiece

TRING, tring!  

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, your caretaker at the country house."  

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What's wrong?"  

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".  

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"  

"Si, Senor, that's the one."  

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"  

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."  

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"  

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"  

"The thoroughbred Arab, Senor Rod."  

"Midnight Prince, my prize thoroughbred is dead?"  

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."  

"Are you insane? What water cart?"  

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."  

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"  

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."  

"What the hell? Are you saying that my beautiful mansion caught fire because of a candle?!"  

"Yes, Senor Rod."  

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"  

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."  

" Funeral? What funeral?"  

"Your wife's Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."   

Silence long silence.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're in big trouble!"

Last word

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

M Cartmill

The Idler, Tuesday, December 13, 2011

2011-12-24T22:16:00.000+02:00

Too silly, too silly ...

THE NATIONAL Health Service in Britain has released some videos to discourage people from silly behaviour and drinking too much at Christmas and New Year parties. They feature cases attended to in the past by hospitals' accident and emergency units.

One video has a fellow with an obscenity scrawled on his forehead in permanent ink. Another a woman who comes in tipsily demanding that surgeons carve a frozen turkey for her.

Yet another has a woman being wheeled past on all fours. She'd sat on the photocopier at the office party, causing the glass to break and embed itself in her bottom.

That could be an interesting one. They don't tell us if the photocopier got in a shot before breaking.

What about Cosatu?

VROOM, vroom! There's talk that Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear TV programme might be filmed over the next couple of years at Moses Mabhida Stadium.

Is this really such a good idea? Would motorsport fans really cram the stadium to watch the filming of what has to be the most puerile programme offered by British TV (where standards have so plummeted over the past 20 years or so anyway)?

Quite apart from that, Clarkson has been dropped from another BBC programme following his remark that strikers in Britain should be executed "in front of their families".

This outraged some. For others it was just another characteristically unfunny Clarkson clunker. But can we take the chance of causing outrage to Cosatu?

Shocked lemur

VETS are puzzled by the discovery of a baby lemur which was found shocked and frozen at Tooting Common, in London. They have put it on a drip, coaxed it to eat and are slowly nursing it back to health.

The ring-tailed lemur which is similar in appearance to our bushbaby but not related is found in the wild only in Madagascar. How this one ended up on Tooting Common is a mystery.

Perhaps its parents went on strike and were executed by Jeremy Clarkson.

Keep it clean

A TAIWANESE city is using the Lotto to keep dog excrement off the streets. In New Taipei City, people are given a lottery ticket for every bag of doggy dooz handed in.

One woman has won top prize in the draw a gold ingot worth $2 200. Others have won smaller prizes small gold ingots worth only hundreds of dollars and household appliances.

It seems even non-owners of dogs are getting in on the thing, clearing up mess just to get into the draw.

British columnist Auberon Waugh used to campaign against dog excrement, arguing that the owners of dogs who fouled the pavement should be forced to eat it. But this was unduly punitive and it never took off. The Taiwanese appear to have discovered the key incentive, within the free market system.

Land ho!

THE RUNNING aground of the harbour pilot vessel Lufafa is taken up in his latest grumpy newsletter by investment analyst Dr James Greener.

"It is puzzling, if not very embarrassing for someone, that one of the Durban harbour pilot boats managed to miss the enlarged harbour entrance by a country mile and fetch up on the beach after bouncing off some rocks.

"These are the guys that the big ships are obliged to pay to have on board when entering or leaving port. Fortunately, no people except taxpayers were injured as the damage repair estimated at R1 million was described by the port captain as 'minimal'. So not only is the five-cent coin being withdrawn, the amount of R1m is apparently barely worth mentioning. Inflation is undoubtedly on the rise."

Fairytales

WHAT'S the difference between a fairytale in a northern state of the USA and a southern fairytale?

The northern fairytale begins: "Once upon a time..." The southern fairytale begins: "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bulldang ... "

Tailpiece

EVER since I was a child, I've had a fear of somebody being under my bed at night. I went to a psychiatrist and told him about it. He charged me R800 and told me to keep coming back.

But a bartender cured me for R10. He poured me a drink and told me to cut the legs off the bed, Ain't nobody under there now!
Moral: Stay away from shrinks, have a drink and talk to a bartender.

Last word

No man remains quite what he was when he recognises himself.

Thomas Mann