Lion without a pack

Welcome back

2012-01-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

I was wondering why the hell I had to pay my cab driver $80 bucks after he goes over a bridge no one asked him too and caused an uncessary delay. It was almost 10:00am and not only were most of my friends already at the storage facility, but the moving company was also enroute.........yes I did just say moving company. After all this time I was finally out of the shelter and on my way to reaching my new apartment. I prepared for this event a week in advance. Contacting my strong friends and other buddies who was really willing to help me. I felt bad when I saw it started to rain in what seemed like hail. I knew the boys were waiting for me outside so as soon as I got there we got to work. We were 7 strong and got the furniture out into the loading dock before the truck even arrived. When the truck officially arrived I was hoping to get this project done in less than 2 hours but then it was revealed that I had to pay a 3 hour minimum.....well damn. That's $225 down the drain.

The boys and I got to work and got everything on the truck and then the driver told us only two can ride in the truck. I was glad I tipped off Jia in advance to bring his car so we can drive the other fellas. I had my main man Chris ride in the truck with me since I see him the least out of everyone else. It's was definitely hard to focus on what was going on with everything circling through my head. Lemme recap.

April- Evicted and was on the streets during spring recess and had to wait to discover that we would not be granted to return to the apartment

May-July- Got into shelter. Searched for jobs, reached out to people but most didn't care. My face kept breaking out like crazy.

August- A crappy birthday celebration. I decided to make up for my situation by working out hard to at least be healthy in the body

October- Finally got a job that was full time, even though im still a full time student. Slowly but surely was able to take control of the situation

November- December- Reached out to the few people who were supportive of me throughout this struggle and did my best to give back. I also prepared myself for the future and had to come to terms with some things I rather not discuss.

Fast forward to today. I now work security, and recently got an internship in a private investigation firm and now moving out of the shelter.

The driver was a pretty cool dude. Him, chris and myself talked about serious stuff concerning career plans, crime , car accidents, etc. In the meantime I was reflecting back on the old days growing up in brooklyn since I was moving to a place pretty close to where I grew up when something the driver said interrupted my thoughts...

Driver: You got a pretty loyal crew helping out. Normally when it's moving time everyone suddenly disappears. How did you convince them to help you?

I forgot my response but whatever it was I really didn't know how I got them to help me. They could've just said "no" or something else but they decided to come even in this crappy winter storm. .

I went to get the keys from the head of household and attempted to open the door when I was greeted(confronted) by the landlord. Then again I can understand her concern. 7 big dudes that she never seen before huddling around the front door to one of her buildings would certaintly arouse suspicion. After I explained I was the new tenant I waved to her since she was wearing gloves with chemicals being that she works in a beauty salon. So we finally get inside and start carrying the boxes upstairs and then I pushed open the door to my new apartment. Cozy 3 bedroom. Wow I can definitely see the difference between this apartment and the shelter. For starters the living is much bigger than the whole shelter. Once again I was in total awe of what was occuring.

After moving I took the boys out to get some pizza to celebrate my emancipation =D
We joked around and it was interesting to see how my childhood, high school, and college friends all interacted with one another. We joked around, ate food and joked some more until everyone went their separate ways and left me to enjoy my new freedom. I went back inside to help my mom unpack the remaining boxes and it kicked in that i was LIVING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was not over though. There are still many things that I needed to do..................................however with work the next morning I decided to just fix a nice cup of tea. Have some chocolate chip cookies and curl into the sofa and watch some TV.

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Life through my eyes. This is basically what happened as we were in the pizza shop. I didn't get a chance to record everything but this is just a small snippet of it. Believe me, the mayonaise story was as clean as we could get.

Hidden blessings

2011-12-25T22:29:00.000-08:00

Finals over YAY, and late night shifts are over YAY. Christmas psssssssh................. I woke up around 10:30 and turned on the tv. I seen the parade on and checked it out since there was nothing else on tv. I wasn't really looking forward to much anyways . The only thing I had planned was a dinner at my sisters later on. Other than that it was just another day. The plus side was that I was at work. I took a little time to appreciate the doctors, police officers, transit and others who wouldn't have this time to be lazy like I was right now.

Speaking of appreciation, prior to christmas I made it a mission to try to give back to the people who helped me out this year when I was at my lowest. The people who gave me food to eat and shelter on the rainy and/or cold nights so I wouldn't be on the streets. To thank them, I got christmas cards and wrote personal notes from the bottom of my heart, and delivered to each of them. Some in person, and some by mail. I was happy to know that by christmas day, Every one received the card I sent them. So it was nice to see that. It was also nice to see the pictures and stuff of people celebrating the holiday with their friends and family on facebook and tv.

I considered my current celebration. I was binging on chips ahoys at the shelter by myself. No christmas tree or presents to wrap up. Although I did have my own cash to buy my own presents to wrap up for myself, but that would be silly to do, and most stores were closed anyways. So i just lazed around the shelter for the most part. I also responded to the massive "merry christmas" text messages I received. I also sent some out as well. It was almost 2pm so I decided to shower and get ready to head to my sisters and then I got a message on facebook from one of my old high school friends who requested to see me. It's been a very long time so I thought why not and set out to meet him in herald square.

We greeted each other with handshakes and just walked around the city and talked about life. I could tell things have definitely changed between us within these 3 years. In his case, he's gotten deeper into his work within the EMT world. The injuries, emergencies and sometimes fatal situations have taken a toll on him. He's become more serious than before. More skeptical as well . As for me, I was already a hard ass to begin with during the high school days but my experiences made me more serious, reserved, stoic and analytical in my approach to life. Needless to say, we were very detached in our communication, whether it was reflecting on deaths, girl problems, work, falling outs and the like. It was just pretty much going through the motions.

I made a point to stop at Bryant park because I wanted to check out the ice skating area that the people in my acting class wanted to go to one day. I thought it was too small but I don't mind going nonetheless. I had a great time with them during this semester and I was definitely looking forward to seeing them again.. Reflecting on that made me feel a certain uneasiness to what I realized was going on with my old friend and I.

Me- Why is it that we're both 21 and we have so many terrible experiences we can easily reflect on but hardly anything good to talk about? something is not right with that. I honestly just want you to be happy in life man. These years hasn't really been the best for both of us, and it sucks things aren't the way they were back in high school but still man. We both deserve better than that. I don't know what else to say but know i'm always a text or phone call away *checks time* Well it's 4 man and I know you're busy and I gotta go too so i'll see you around

Him-..........."15 more minutes"

For the last 15 minutes the conversation was much lighter. We joked around a lot and talked about good things. Things we wanted to do with our lives, and stuff that we liked to do when younger and still liked to do today. We made a vow to try and not have miserable lives and to try to see each other again in the future even with our busy schedules. He pulled me into a hug and we embraced for a bit before saying goodbyes.
It brought me back to the last day of school when we thought we wouldn't see each other again which resulted in a super long hug about 3-4 years ago.........wow maybe some things don't change

To be honest I was teary eyed wile walking to the train station. There was a lot of thoughts circling through my mind. The situation of me getting out the shelter. The loss of all the money that was saved up to get out of the shelter. The second transfer at my job to another location where i gotten comfortable and had to start over again. Fears and doubts circling through my head about issues I don't even want to get into. Yet at the moment I was at ease and a loss for words. No i didn't break down and boohoo (can you imagine lol) but no matter how many times, I wiped my eyes it kept getting teary again. It just made me realize how much I appreciated the friendship.

Definitely a day to remember
Merry Christmas everyone

Reaching the Island

2011-12-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

A week ago.................

Me- I gave you a chance to look me in the eye and tell the truth and you're lying to me.....tsk tsk tsk
??- Please...have mercy . I made a mistake. I didn't mean to-
Me- You're still lying to me. You have money and decided to steal anyways. Was it really worth it?
??- I'll pay for it. I will also buy a lot of stuff next week when I get paid
Me (glances at the cops entering the store) . I think it's too late for that now bud
??- Oh god.............

By the time the cops arrive, the paperwork and evidence was nearly completed. Upon the interrogation we realized that our suspect had multiple social security card numbers, as well as his mom's ATM and ID card.. Something was definitely not right. He also kept trying to dodge the question concerning if he's been arrested before. I think we all seen enough and he was taken out of the store in handcuffs. With my successful apprehension I returned to surveillance. A few people seemed self conscious around me but I didn't care. I wouldn't have a problem with them unless they decide to steal. Now back to work I go...............

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NOW.................

It was around 1:30 pm and I could not concentrate on anything. I was in a room by myself surrounded by something. I didn't know what that something was but I knew there was some sort of catch. I was just walking the hallways when my old classmate asked to help her with a research study. I agreed knowing I would get $20 for my participation. I watched a video about helping suspects pick a suspect in a line up or photo array. Since I knew who the suspect was, if I was able to get the witness to pick that suspect without telling her that is the suspect then I would get an additional $20. So they definitely had my cooperation. I couldn't help but wonder just exactly how they would make sure I would follow the rules if I would be left with the witness alone.. Is there an audio device in here? Or maybe a video recorder? I felt under the desk and found nothing. I then reached into my bookbag to put my phone away to steal a sneak under the desk.. nothing. Hmmmmmmmm well if I keep looking around I will look suspicious so i'll just do the interrogation. I ALMOST got the witness to pick the photo I needed but she decided skip it because she was curious of who the other photos were.. Damn it but I still got $20 bucks. The researcher then came into the room and told me of the camera hanging above the room. I couldn't help but chuckle.

My semester was more or less over but I still had a few projects to do. I could not really find myself to focus on these projects though. Lately I've been obsessing over two things. One was learning Japanese, and the second was preparing for my Karate promotion test. I got wind that the Japanese embassy was planning to bring over 10,000 people to Japan for free in order to gain back tourist that dropped since the earthquakes earlier this year. The only catch is that everyone has to blog about their experiences to promote Japan. Well that's not a problem so I will be waiting for the application in April. In the meantime I've been working on my Japanese grammar. Every long train ride or lunch break I would have my Japanese book out. Reading, analyzing, practicing until it somehow stuck in my head. As motivation I would have some Japanese music playing to get into the culture more. I found some good music from my favorite artist Shota Shimizu. It's cool when I can pick up a few words in the song and translate it myself. One day i'll be able to translate a full song. I decided to do something bold and made a Japanese/English exchange post on craigslist (I know WTF right)
Well I got some legit responses and have been exchanging with them everyday. I actually plan to meet one of my exchange partners sometime next week so I will see how that goes.....I tried to practice some more Japanese after the research study I did but I could not because of the promotion test.

At 6pm I could feel myself extremely anxious because I know the promotion exam was about to start and I was in my investigations class until 7pm. I love investigations class but I could not focus. I knew the material anyways and we was just having a review. He surprisingly ended class early and I flew out the door and ran upstairs to get into my GI. Then I hesitated before leaving the locker room.....Deep breath. Deep breath.........................sigh

"You come this far Thomas... Just try your best"

I came into the dojo and sat down. There was only 6 of us, and two other men testing for belts. I'll call them H and J. We all started with leg raises. I had to do 70 and at this point I was strongly regretting the huge burrito I ate a few hours back. Right after I had to do 70 situps...and the pain continued. Did a few pushups and then had to run a few miles in the staircase. The physical portion was never a huge issue for me. What I was really worried about was my katas. That was the next step and I had three katas in particular I needed to know for my brown belt. I knew two of them down pack but one I was a little iffy on another one. and then the fact that I might fail again the first time before promotion was circling around my head. The two guys and myself did our first kata's in unison and then J sat down since he was going for green belt. H was going for his black belt so we had to do some more katas and then did ours separately. A kata that sensei asked me to do was Geki-sai which I actually made a mistake at the end because I was caught off guard. It was funny because during the small practice period my friend Jennifer said lets practice Geki sai- and the other purple belt and I responded

"We can't do those katas anymore. Those days are over"

Well apparently they weren't so that was kinda an epic fail moment for me. I redeemed myself though with the kata I needed to know for my brown belt. I then sat down and prepared for sparring. I know this would count for something as well. So the way this went was we would fight each other first, and then fight the super black belt. This is what I remembered the order to be

ME vs J
J vs H
Me vs H
J vs black belt
ME vs Black belt
H vs Black belt

Me vs J- This was an interesting battle. I know he really wanted his Green belt so he was gonna be aggressive. Plus he punched me in the face a few times during the "light sparring' so I went in on him quickly. As soon as he let himself open I kicked him in the chest and knocked him down.

ME vs H- Much different battle. this guy has boxing, judo and different marital arts experience. Extremely fast and rapid guy. He has given me busted lips and dislocated shoulders in the past. Since I could not match him in speed I had to fight him with timing. We were pretty even. I dodged his kicks, he blocked my punches. We both traded punches to the face a few times.

Me vs Black Belt- Now this guy.......is the toughest fighter I ever faced, and this was before he was even a black belt. The way he fights people is amazing. He's not quick like H but he's very quick. Very smart, very much in control. I got bloody lips, bloody noses, bruised ankles and shins, and other sore spots in my fights with him. and not just me. Everyone has their story of the way they were..........abused. By now I was able to get over my fear of getting hit and went on the offensive.attacking with different punches and kicks until I hit him. Then he came out with a strong thrust kick that hit me in the lower abdomen. I took the blow and then grabbed that leg so I can deliver some punches to his face

J was rewarded with his Green belt. H was rewarded with his black belt and I.............................................................did not fail because I earned my BROWN BELT!!!!!!!! Definitely a great feeling. I couldn't believe it. I don't know how I did it but I succeeded. First time getting promoted on my first try. I'm almost there. The next promotion is my black belt. All I could say is thank you for all the people who believed in me....even at the times I didn't believe in myself.

At the same time, I know it's somewhat of a bittersweet moment because next semester I will be working different hours so I can't train at my dojo. In the meantime, I gotten to the point where I can train alone to make sure I keep my skills as polished as possible. I'll see them again someday, hopefully sooner than what i'm currently expecting but until then. It's time to go on my personal journey.

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Life through my eyes- If you ever become mad, just do what she does. It really makes you feel better =)

Say What?!

2011-11-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

"Sneaky son of a gun. I hope you come back" - I whispered to myself as I removed the ink tag and the price ticket from the pants pocket. I had a theory of how it went down. Whoever stole this item popped the ink tag in either the isolated areas in the store, or went into the fitting room. Most likely the fitting room. They took a pair of jeans with them as well into the fitting room. After popping the ink tag, they put the evidence in the jeans to hide it and got out the store when they had a chance.

It's been a month since i've been employed as a store detective. I have grown to enjoy it thus far. I see it as really good investigative experience to help me get closer to my goals, especially for surveillance work. Working full time along with school has been tiring but I know my semester is almost over so I can definitely handle it or just struggle trying. This type of struggle is more pleasant than the struggle I've been dealing with since April.. Speaking of that struggle, I found myself dashing for the train station as I left work at 8:40pm. I only had an hour and 20 minutes to get back to the shelter thanks to the 10pm curfew. They are really cranking my style. I been working my ass off pretty hard so it would be nice to enjoy the fruits of my labor once in a blue moon. I managed to get back by 9:50. I took off my shoes and collapsed in the bed. I can take these clothes off in the morning after i shower.....make some breakfast...........get some..........get some....zzzzzzzzz

"It must've been a comfortable 60 degrees because I have on my a small jacket. I was hanging around central park watching other people lounge around and chill in the huge grassy area. Some people doing gymnastics, others having picnics or tanning. Everyone appeared to be enjoying their company. I chose to sit by the tree to get some shade and relax. After shutting my eyes for a quick second I open them to find myself in union square. No longer sitting at a tree, but now i'm sitting on some steps. A few people with free hug signs approach me

Girl-You want a hug?
Me- Sure
Girl- Ok let's hug
Me- I can't get up right now
Other kids- Oh that's too bad
Me- Yeah i know.....it's been awhile(laughs)

I wake up to see myself in class. Oh shit.. daydreaming again while sitting in front of the classroom. Ehh it's only the 5th time. I'm sure it's no big deal. I was gonna take a nap after class but I couldn't because I wanted to check out the opening of the new building at John Jay College. I have to give it to the designer. They really did a good job with it. I snapped a few photos while walking around the school.

After procrastinating I rushed to meet my friend Jia for lunch at T.G.I friday's our unofficial tradition for celebrations. In this case we were celebrating my recent job gain, and step in a new direction towards getting life back on track. After spending a ridiculous amount of money I had to head back to school. But before I did that, I went into bestbuy with Jia and had him inspect the laptops in the store. As the computer wiz, I needed him to analyze the pros, cons, megabytes, superbytes, triggerbytes, and all of that good computer language that I am too negligent to google myself. Since my current laptop is fried and 4 years old, I need to get a new laptop. One that is fitting for a private investigator.........aspiring that is.

Speaking of investigator it looks like my skills will be put to the test once again. Acting class was fun as usual. I got to improv as the evil retail manager who was going to reject a girl from taking a saturday night off. Then I was paired with a partner to prepare to perform a scene. The scene is from the play "lovers and other strangers" and I am meant to play as Jerry, a guy who tries to be a playboy but is not as good as i'd like to be. At least not good enough to completely seduce my partner playing as Brenda. The actress i'm working with is very good so i'm definitely gonna have to work to keep up with her.. As for the womanizer part I don't know how i'm gonna pull that off. I'm not exactly the seductive kind of person but who doesn't like a challenge right? My partner told me to record my voice and use that as practice and of course how I better do good. Pressure pressure. Class soon ended and I was ready to bounce and get a cheeseburger and laze around since I was trying to avoid getting started on my two essays due in a few days. I got caught up in a conversation with some of my classmates from acting class....... It took me awhile to notice I was actually chatting with people outside of class. WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now when did this happen? Towards the end of the chat, one classmate approached me with a proposal... I was asked to use my skills and try to find two people. Looks like i'll be on another investigation for a little while. I accepted this because 1.) I like the challenge. 2) this person was on the boxing team and I didn't want to know what would happen if I declined.

I didn't get home until after 10 that night. Woke up earlier than usual. I had to get ready for school and work soon. So much work and so little time. I looked at my script for acting class. I realized that there was also a part where I would have to dance. I guess this would be one of the few opportunities for me to get myself into character. After some stretching, I put on Maroon 5 "moves like Jagger" and danced like no one was watching............and thank god no one was watching.
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Another LIFE THROUGH MY EYES moment. A small clip of my celebration lunch with Jia. FYI, the bill came out to be around $64 after taxes. The total for what I owed was only $23.00. I told you I'd find a way to blame it on you HAHAS

Changes

2011-10-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Gun in my hand I slowly approached the frightened kid in front of me. He thought he was so tough until I broke him down. Breaking ego's is what I do best. I didn't stop until I was inches away from his face. The gun was still aimed at his chest and I can see his fear and agitation growing.. Time to make him tick. I told him he was going to be my bitch

"Can you believe that? I mean right now you're filled with rage, you can hardly contain yourself. You don't even care if you live or die, you just want to get at me....am i right? Bullets don't mean a thing to you as long as you can get at me, Your life doesn't mean a thing to you, you're a wild animal. I'm gonna tame you Treat. I'm gonna make you my very own"

I still had that smirk on my face as he clenched his fist preparing for battle.. Then I turned away from him and smiled as my classmates clapped for my monologue performance. I got some nice feedback and some advice to project my voice louder and with that I sat down. Glad to have gone first and gotten it over with.. I watched a few more monologues , some that were sad, some happy, and others very funny and then was on my way to the music club during the schools community hour. I was asked by a former choir member if I can perform some pieces for the award ceremony for the students who made the Dean's List since their other performer cancelled last minute. At the time I said yes thinking I had more than enough time to practice..but that was before everything changed. I went from having all the time in the world to having almost no time at all...this was a blessing in disguise since I was no longer unemployed.

Before that fateful day, I was chilling outside bored out of my mind since I had 3 hours to spare and all my homework was done. I spent the free time people watching since it's one of my hobbies until I saw a familiar face and recognized him...the guy from my high school. I contemplated if now would be the time to approach him, and after some thought i decided it was now or never.. I followed him onto the elevator and pretended to be listening to my IPOD as I waited for him to get out the elevator before pursuing him. As he got off the 5th floor I realized he was going to bulsars office....well he'll be going downstairs soon. After some time, he left and was in the elevator area alone.. I approached him keeping a great deal of distance. Books in my hand in my attempt to avoid looking confrontational and asked if his name was so and so and did he go to my high school and was in such and such class. He responded yes and then i proceeded

Me- So basically i'm glad I bumped into you, I wish we had a chance to talk about that misunderstanding that happened back then a few years ago.. It just seemed bizarre you know, cuz i didn't even know who you are, but good luck senior year man

Him-well.............y-y-y-yeah.. it's all water under the bridge now

I didn't believe him though. His refusal to look me in the eye, and his lowered head and stammering vocal inflection said there was still a problem and sensing this stopped me in my tracks. I had nothing to say as I watched him walk off.....but I really wish i said

"I'm Sorry..................."

It's a silly event but basically back in high school he reported me stating that I was harassing him. I didn't know who he was at all or nonetheless realized that he even existed. I was very shocked when my teacher pulled me aside and asked if I was harassing one of the students in class. I was then confronted by two guidance counselors who requested I transfer into another class but I refused and asked if we can bring him and all speak together which was denied. I was not allowed to have any contact about the situation at all....but although they tried to hide the information from me, I investigated the matter and discovered who he was within the next day. . and now that I had the chance, I didn't come off in the way I wanted to and felt a little guilty. I don't like being the source of someone's fear...i know how that fear feels.. I felt it before.... around the same time I saw one of my friends cousin in the hallway on his way to class...I remember him. He felt it before as well.. He came to me once when he was scared to walk home due to some kids before....

Summer time (2006) at cavallaro was pretty repetitive. arizona's and handball in the park all the time. One day while playing one of the kids approached me.

kid- You have any free time? i don't want to bother you
Me- I guess im free, wassup?
kid- Can you walk with me real quick please? I dont want to get jumped
Me- Sure lets go..

During that time he revealed the kids who wanted to rob him and how they been bothering him for awhile. Halfway there, he thanked me and started running home

After I spent some time catching up with him, I realized that he was mugged before and came face to face with a knife and was unable to do anything about it and got off extremely lucky... I gave him my number and suggested he take up self defense at the martial arts club where I train before we parted ways.

Fast forward to now... I was a little disappointed I only had an hour to brush up on my skills but I managed to get through the 20 minutes providing background music as the guest checked into their tables and enjoyed their refreshments, taking pictures etc. They looked like they were having a good time, and they should be. After all, Being recognized on the dean's list is a huge honor. I had to sneak out though since I had an investigations midterm to take. I noticed I was one of the last ones to come in. and yet the 2nd person to leave after taking the quiz.. I still had a good 30 minutes to get some work done before Karate..

With the new community hour that's going on at John Jay the boxing, karate and judo club times have been pushed back. This severely reduced the amount of people we had for training. There are currently 7 people training consistently at the dojo. As Vice President, I have been calling people interested in training and giving them information so they can watch us in action to see if they're interested.. Speaking of which I gotta keep training hard to pass my brown belt promotion test. I can tell my body is stronger because I got kicked in the head by a roundhouse and the pain doesn't bother me much anymore.. I sparred with some of the white belts and black belts and only suffered minor injuries while delivering my own pain so all in all a good sparring..

I didn't get back to the shelter until 9:50 pm just making curfew... So tired I could barely walk, as i collapsed into the bed....didn't close my eyes though. I just stared at the ceiling... Full time worker as security...full time student... networking to become a private investigator... member of the martial arts club...and so much more going on... Life has gotten more complicated yet much easier at the same time.. I closed my eyes and images of me chilling in central park came to mind. ...........................................

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Another look at life through my eyes . This was a few years ago when I first started working out.. Some kid thought he could outrun me and i wouldn't catch him and we had a bet on what would happen if he failed... It was an extremely funny moment. Enjoy.

Character Profile " The friendly rival"

2011-10-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

Christopher Selby
Age-21
Height- 6'3
Introduction P.S 212 (1997)
Memorable Quote-" My life was like a rollercoaster. Your life was like a kayaking adventure"

I spent most of my childhood days playing video games and watching anime and cartoon shows. Needless to say I didn't have friends that I shared much in common with. Not until I met Christopher at least. We had many things in common. We both like super mario rpg :Legend of the seven stars. Both liked DBZ , pokemon, and liked to run, and since we were both in resource and had same class since 3rd grade we had plenty of time to hang out. Every once in a blue moon I would head to his house since he just happened to live across the street from marboro projects where I grew up. We pretty much spent time talking about nothing, yet everything at the same time lol

Speaking of running, I always considered Christopher to be a gifted athlete since we was kids. I envied his strength and speed. No matter how much I tried, I could not keep up with him in any race, and plus he was amazingly strong. If I remember correctly he always beat me at arm wrestling with his right and I beat him with my left. Growing up, we liked to emulate the karate films and animes we watched by sparring outside. People looked at us weird, but hey just like Chris said " It really does give you better reflexes".

As good of friends we were leaving elementary school, our friendship hit a rough path during our junior high school days. We were still having fun sparring and chilling during the 6th grade but now the elements were different. Around us were other peers who used to give us problems from time to time. I was picked on in my classes and having these other kids I know give me problems too was more than enough to frost my cornflakes. The problems started when I got the impression that he took their side over mine when I lashed back at them. Problems with Christopher and I escalated when I took a turn to the dark side during the 8th grade. I suddenly did not have the capacity to deal with the bullying any longer. My new abrasive, confrontational and argumentative persona was very off putting to him. I guess he felt that my new behavior was actually worse than the people I was standing up against. This led to many arguments between us that kept building up until one day............... A simple paperball fight we had from the 4th floor to the cafeteria turned into a two minute brawl downstairs in front of a crowd. I don't remember exact specifics but after i threw a paperball to his face, he charged me and pummeled me with punches, and then I charged him with my own punches and then we just went at it for a minute or two. Surprsingly this happened without any teachers becoming aware of it. After the fight, we just stared each other down for a few seconds before we silently decided to drop it. In a way I respected him more after the fight and we were able to laugh about it.

However things were not the same since then. We eventually went to dewey and graduated together but we haven't hung out together since early 8th grade. There was no animosity between us but by then we were just in completely different circles at that point. It was really good to see him this weekend after 7 years. Although we're both serious in our own ways it's still cool that we can laugh over silly things like we did in the past.

Although things have changed and we lived completely different lives he considers me to be one of his best friends......and I consider him to be one of my best friends too. Call it a contradiction, but maybe things haven't really changed after all.

Common Dialogue

Me-Dude you were the fastest ever, I don't think it's fair BIONIC MAN!!!!!!!!
Chris- I don't find it much a compliment to be really fast
Me- You wouldn't be saying that if you could teleport like goku
Chris- That would be cool.........
(leads to conversation about anime, fighting, memories etc)

Inside the mind of an introvert

2011-09-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Someone who read my blog described me as having an INTJ personality and suggested I learn more about it. I took a few assessment test and they all came back as INTJ type. I found it very interest that this type is the rarest personality type out of the other 16. I figured this would be a good insight into my character so I will do my best to explain my interpretation of this type and how it affects me.

Overview- INTJ stands for Intuitive, Introverted Thinking, Judging. This type of person lives inside their intuition and thoughts, but deal with outside world in a logical and rational manner. They are very strategic and system thinkers, constantly trying to improve their intellect and understanding of whats around them. They have very high standards for themselves and as well very high standards of other people. They are seen as natural leaders but normally decide to remain in the background unless they feel compelled to take over if the current leader is not performing . As leaders they are very objective and basically relies on strategy to make the best decision. Because of the thinking side, most INTJ's spend a majority of time in their thoughts. They normally have very little interest and the thoughts and feelings of other people unless they feel it's on par with their logical thinking. They have a tendency to ask the basic question "what works" with everything from complex business decisions to social norms, which has it's strengths and weaknesses.

Strengths-

My first strength is my rational thinking and decisiveness that helps me make the best decisions especially during crisis situations. For example my situation when I discovered I was homeless and needed a place to crash for the night yet couldn't reach out to anyone due to my phone batter dying on me coincidentally. Or the time where myself and a few friends were approached by some guys who wanted to rob us a few days after new years. and most importantly the time where I was surrounded by over 16 people who wanted to jump me after I defended myself from a few wannabe thugs a few days prior. At these times there is no such thing as fear, anger, or any emotion for that matter. The only thing that's important is what the problem is, and what can I do to solve it. In this sense it helps me explore my problem solving capabilities. For the first situation I ended up finding a charger at manhattan mall and then used the outlet at my school to charge phone and messaged everyone until someone gave me a place to crash for that night. My second situation I cunningly gave my empty wallet with only a library card to the thugs and joked that they wasted their time robbing three poor kids. the third situation I just relied on patience and awareness to safely get myself inside the school without suffering any injuries.

My second strength is that I am a good listener and I take my relationships and commitments with people very seriously. You need help moving and you live all the way in long island ? no problem, I may be a little late but I won't leave until we finish moving. If you're upset and need someone to talk to, As long as i'm awake I will stay up and listen until you feel better. It's never an issue for me. I believe in constant growth and consistency. No matter what is going on in my life I know that life is still evolving around me. I never use my current situation as an excuse to not help others, especially when i KNOW I have the ability to help. In one example, one of my friends who was contemplating suicide was intervened by me. She had my complete time and attention until I was able to get her out of that danger phase. The only cost of my actions is that I can sometimes burn out and sometimes get complaints that perhaps I am too selfless and need to learn to be more selfish for the sake of my own health but I don't mind taking that risk.

My last main strength is in my self confidence, perseverance and willpower for closure and problem solving. I know when I can do something and do it well. I also know when there is something that I don't know. Video games were my first form of problem solving. I've been playing video games since I was two years old believe it or not. I would spend hours building my skills so I could get through games like super mario world, mortal kombat, street fighter, etc... the last thing I ever wanted to happen was for my mom to shut off the game, or the game malfunction before I can reach it's conclusion. Closure to this day is still very important for me. It allowed me to push past my mental limitations when I was faced with opposition from a lot of people and I learned the strength of self confidence through opposition. During my investigation of finding out what happened to one of my old friends, I got a lot more unsure and negative opinions than I did positive. I did not let that stop me though. For the most part, almost anything is negotiable and achievable.

Weaknesses-

My biggest strength of rational thinking and decisiveness can sometimes be a weakness when it comes to dealing with people. This is when I begin to feel misunderstood because I am normally very impersonal in my thought patterns and perspectives and I tend to view people in the same aspect. I already learned that some people are put off by my perspective because to them I come off as insincere and uncaring. I am very good at putting my personal feelings aside when dealing with situations and i have a tendency to do it to other people as well. I am very critical of people when I notice inconsistencies and contradictions.. I have a very "cut no slack" outlook so when I see something i interpret as wrongdoing I can be very critical and give brutal insight towards people:" which some people associate that as me looking through them and casting them as completely corrupt people. I don't always find them as corrupt but I do like to point out certain things that I notice because I feel if I notice it, someone else will also notice it.

That leads to another issue that I don't agree with the social rituals of life. Certain things like small talk don't interest me much. I am normally very goal oriented so while I can come to your aid, it's because my goal is to help you. If i don't see a purpose I don't really find a point to pursue people. That's why I like to spend a majority of the time by myself because I get annoyed with random and in my opinion sometimes pointless idle chatter. I also find certain manners of people to be very faux and not genuine which is funny because i'm sure they see my analytically personality as not genuine. Even though im 21, I would rather talk to people older than me especially about business, and philosophical affairs.. I am a tad disappointed when I realize that some adults are also like the gossipy kids I don't like and I am very quick to point that attribute out....not very helpful when that person can particularly help me gain employment lol

My biggest problem is recovering from failure in myself and others. I have such high expectations for others but way higher expectations for myself. When I make a error in judgement or decision making I get very crushed . In a way I am a perfectionist and anything less than perfection is a big no no for me, so making a mistake that simple planning could've avoided can get to me. I have trouble letting it go either so I can be very hard on myself. because I have a "cut no slack" personality on myself I can be brutally hard on others as well. Depending on their responses I can be worse. I lighten up on someone who accepts they make a mistake and take responsibility, but I make it my mission to tear apart the person who tries to make excuses and avoid responsibility. This leads me to having such an self righteous aura that I fail to see how my words can have a very degrading affect on people. Instead of helping to build them up, I wind up tearing them down and I can understand when certain people are hesitant to want to talk to me. Even if my insight is accurate, not many people are willing to chat with someone who finds flaws in every aspect of their character.

I am often in my own train of thought when I am by myself. I am constantly thinking about something someone said, or did, or event that happened that I have a very serious and indifferent demeanor and some people are intimidated by that and can be afraid to approach me. What makes it worse is that in the case of job interviews, if someone gets this impression of me right off the bat, they will be very hesitant to hire me because of the risk of me not being able to get along with coworkers, customers, etc.

Solutions- The biggest thing I have to work on will be my people skills. I know my analytical skills are good, but not to the point where I can objectify people and treat them as pieces off a chess board. Not only is that unethical and immoral of me, but it can be inhumane as well. I have to keep in mind that people have feelings and whether logical or illogical like to enjoy things that sometimes have no main purpose in my eyes. temporary pleasure like small talk, or other random events may not mean something to me but it might to them and I have to learn to respect that. This is not to say however that I plan to fake it to fit in with the crowd . I know that will only make me miserable and possibly resent myself and the people around me if I feel i'm forced to do that. However I can work on getting more in touch with my feelings and other people's feelings by learning emotional intelligence and expressing them in ways that are real to me.

I also have to take in perspective that people are capable of change and evolving. Instead of tearing down someone who appears immoral, instead try to give suggestions on things that they can do to improve if they choose to. If they don't choose to, let them live their lives in their own way.. They will have to deal with those rewards and consequences......although i'm not sure how i'll feel if their actions have a direct or indirect affect on me. At that point I may have to cut them off if they prove to have negative consequences.

I also have to learn that although my intuition and inner thinker is a powerful force to be reckoned with, I also need to learn how to appreciate and focus on the external. Me being able to see and process the environment and people around me will only help me be more aware of my surroundings and also will help me not appear to be standoffish around other people.

In a nutshell these are a few things I gathered. Feel free to make any other recommendations or insights if you want. Don't worry, I wont bite.. And also if you're interested I suggest you take the personality assessment test and see what applies to you and what doesn't.

Welcome to purgatory

2011-09-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

..................Well this is new. I'm walking through the halls and certain people, Men, Women, and Staff alike are waving, nodding and smiling at me for once and yes that is new to me. Senior year is here. In 9 months I will have my degree in Criminal Justice and will hopefully be on the right path to creating some justice in my personal life. Until then I should really work on being friendlier with my fellow classmates.

" Dont mess this up Thomas" I quietly muttered to myself as I walked into my 10:50 Acting class. I figured that for me to become a better investigator I will have to get more in touch with my emotional side and also work on my people skills. Besides, becoming a better actor will teach me to become a great liar.....as well as spot the other lying douchebags in the world so I was excited to begin. The professor had us in a giant circle and had us each phrase a name and body language to boot to get us to loosen up. so all around you would see things like

" Wild Wolly"(weird arm gesture)
"Ecletic Erica" (cha cha like dance)
"Talkative Thomas (hands for mouths)
"Lovely Lou"(Makes heart shape)

We later on had to do a mirror exercise. I got paired up with "Intriguing Ishmael" It started as a simple, hand raise here and there. but then it turned to ripping up bad homework...... throwing the controller cuz we lost a game and even using the stalls at the bathroom... it was supposed to be silent exercise but even I couldn't contain my laughter at that point.

After class I had some free time, to check out the John Jay bookstore. I got hired during the summer for a temp position. They're gonna kick my ass to the curb once the rush period is over but hopefully I will have a more permanent position somewhere else beforehand. When I got to the store and saw that the line was longer than DBZ's snakeway I decided I would just stick to my traditional method of Amazon like I have for the last three years.

"So how was your summer Thomas?" One of my friends asked me while I was sitting in the piano room eating lunch...

"It upsets me to see you this way"
" You become a lot more depressed"
" Damn you've been breaking out like crazy"
" We don't get to see each other anymore"

.................Yeah I was pretty much over this summer but I stuck with the "same ole same ole" response. Not like I was looking for a pity party. Later on my computer compentency class came and passed and I was still chilling. Not a bad day thus far. Looking over my phone I got ready to delete the annoying John Jay emails as usual until one in particular popped out.. Please Join us for the service of our beloved Clifford Terry

Oh no.............Mr T. My mind processed the information even before I finished reading the whole email. I knew that was my professor who passed. Then I saw the date was last saturday during Irene. They said natural causes but a part of me wondered if anything else happened. I saw the service date was on saturday and unfortunately I had piano class at that time so I was gonna miss the service. flashbacks of me meeting him, conversing the brief but always funny dialogues we had interrupted my thinking process.. Singing rent in his choir class.. So many times I kept hearing. "five hundred twentyfive thousand six hundred minutes" One of the few professors I actually liked and genuinely respected here was gone....I wanted to work with him so many times and sing with him again. I kept delaying and now I was a little too late this time..............fuck

I had no time to really sink this in however because not too long after I got a call from my mom that sent me rushing to bronx to meet her at the public assistance office. Apparently our case has been rejected again and the rules of the shelter is without a public assistance case the shelter can kick us out instantly. We had to act. On my ride there I felt a little suspicious. It's not like we got a notice this time saying our case was rejected so why did our case manager tell us this. two hours later we discovered it was a false alarm and while we were both annoyed we took a sigh of relief that we can continue to focus on the apartment hunt and try to get out of this sheler...the legit way.

Most of my classes this semester are easy elective classes. All except one which was my investigation and consulting course a little late into the day around 5pm but it seemed interesting. I subconsciously signed up for the course to fill up space and I also subconsciously borrowed an old version of the textbook from the library that was required for that course. When I realized what i've done I knew that this might be that little thing called "karma" kicking in. My mission this is to get into the investigation field someway, somehow. the professor is awesome and may be my golden ticket into manifesting this goal. I will definitely be socializing.

For the rest of the week I was pretty routine. Spending the mornings in class, encouraging the freshmen in my phys ed class how they can motivate themselves to work out and acheive their goals, preparing myself to once again dive into the pool in beginners swimming class to continue facing my fear of drowning during the day............At night I would spend it apartment and job hunting as well as check out the NYPD blotter hoping to stumble on something that would help me participate in getting a criminal off the streets. After reading the story about the 12 year old girl who cracked the home invasion of her grandma's house.. I decided to try and attempt to test out my own investigation skills if I get the opportunity. I little vigilence never really hurt anyways right?

So I finally caved in...... I decided to take piano class in hopes of getting an easy A. With my current goal having tough courses was the last thing I needed. I decided to take Stoessinger class because she wanted to be my personal mentor when she saw me playing and I know she gives parties and bring cupcakes on the last day of class so how can I give that up?..............well for some strange reason I did not take her course which i later found out was on a friday... so I had no idea who taught the course for saturday but I had a weird feeling about it. Walking into the classroom I locked eyes with the professor who kindly smiled and said hello...........................I remember him. The last time I saw him 3 years ago we had a "slightly heated" alercation after he spazzed on me and my fellow classmates for knocking on the door while he was practicing piano. We had a scheduled choir rehearsal the same time every week and thought our choir professor was in there jamming as usual............

"BE NICE THOMAS!!!!!!!!!!" Somewhere I was able to bring a smile out of me . He probably didn't even remember. Besides he's in charge of my grade. It'll be much easier to get an A if I can get him to like me.

and he's not the only one. This school year, networking is going to be really essential in getting me a step closer to reaching my goal. Somewhere there is someone who can help me, but I have to make sure I have something to deliver in return. My knowledge of databases, public records, photography etc will mean nothing if I don't have someone to display my skills too. I'm tired of this lifestyle so I'm on a mission....and what's my mission? Well if i didn't make it clear before

My mission...............Is to get into the investigation business one way or another. Game on.......

New addition to blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! life through my eyes click on the link to see what happens when I stumble upon an event at central park. I will be working on this concept more so lemme know =D

Distant man

2011-08-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

The big 21 I supposed. I probably be unable to type this post had I fulfilled the cliche of getting hammered to the point of not remembering anything at all but alas my alcohol level should be as close to 0 as possibly can. My birthday for the most part was a bit lonesome or as my fellow leo friend would rather state "solitary". Surprisingly the one day I get an extension when I don't have to obey the 10pm shelter curfew and didn't have to return til sunday night, 8pm i'm laying on the bed just waiting for the time to go past in the shelter. Through my solitude I was able to ponder a few things however.

At first I did feel really lonely but then I laughed at the idea because i'm certain that im very used to it by now. I rarely did anything in pairs. Whether it was working out, traveling in the city, going out, or anything I normally did it alone. It's rare I have another person with me so it's not something I normally look forward to so I was surprised to feel depressed for most of the day thus far. On the bright side, Today is pretty much over so the suffering is over lmfao. Anyhow now that I am this age, I have more access to certain areas like bars, nightclubs, and stuff. I highly doubt i'll be indulging in those areas, but there are a few things I will be indulging and thankfully they can be done with or without people.

1.Video Games
2. Parkour
3. Bboying/Hip hop Dancing
4. Piano
5. Acting
6. Writing creative stories
7. Martial arts/ XMA

In the meantime, while it wasn't my best bday. I'm glad to at least be alive to have new goals to strive for, and for that i'll wish myself for a somewhat happy bday today

Back to the basics part two

2011-07-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

two

Worker " Yeah you're gonna have to pay the outstanding balance of $230 or you'll be forced to withdraw from your class"

Me" I thought I had financial aid? If i knew this i wouldn't have signed up for the course to begin with. I cant drop this course, I only have two weeks to go. Is there any alternative"

Worker " Well you can take out a loan............................"

Ughs............I took the form but told them I needed some time to think about it. I only signed up for this course when I saw I got a ton of financial aid. I then inquire about the financial aid and then it was taken away from me two weeks before my semester was over and now not only will I NOT be receiving that $1700 check I've been waiting for, I got to borrow money I don't have to keep this. This was all my fault, in a funny way my honesty has worked against me. I kinda felt stupid cuz had I not brought it up I would be resting a little comfortably on that money. Some people told me that if anything, if they wouldve found out, I couldve gotten penalized but with over 10,000 students in the system with stressed out workers who don't really care, I highly doubt they would've done anything had I keep my trap shut.. Therefore i'm hoping that I can get some good karma to compensate for this upset. I was going to just reject this idea but then I had a thought. This would be the perfect opportunity to gain credit, and start building a good credit score for when I want to rent low income apartments and stuff. I can always pay that loan off the minute I get my fall pell check.......fine whatever. I went back to financial aid office and handed in my loan application for $300

As a distraction from my issues I spent half of my weekend with Evelyn as she was preparing to audition for a Korean singing competition. They had open auditions in Times Square so there I was with her at 10 am waiting to get inside.... Only to find out that her idea of "support" involved me doing auditions as well and should I somehow make the preliminaries I would "voluntarily" take off the rest of my semester to fly to Korea to compete. That would definitely be something to blog about eh? lol. It was very interesting. So many different singers there and performers and dancers all wanting to be superstars. I even saw a kid from my Patrol functions class. I guess i'll know what he'll do if his major in Police Science doesn't work out. It was a very funny yet awkward moment when I had to play piano and then sing Nat King Cole L.O.V.E in front of a camera. Thank god I can only sing in Japanese and not Korean. I think I was safe, but I did have a lot of fun coming to the audition.

I could still remember the moments at the audition as I made my way towards Storage to pick up a few items for the shelter. I can remember how Happy and enthusiastic Evelyn was as we screamed and cheered in front of the camera multiple times until the producers were satisfied with the filming. It made me really happy to see her smile. I can tell this was something she was passionate about......but damn. whens the last time I had fun like that?

Damn that was such a long time ago. I can almost remember the event with ease. Free hugs campaign in Union Square. Full of love and laughter, and carefree joy..................I smiled to myself going through those boxes but then it faded quickly, replaced by my stoic expression as I went through these boxes. I had work to do after all. I got an email from my phone and checked it.........ahh so they did take the bait.

Hello Christopher,

To answer some of your questions- yes, Midwest is an accredited high school and credits are fully transferable either back to high school or onto college. High school completion depends on a child's age and grade level- our students typically finish two years of high school in less than a year. So if your son was starting his Jr. year it is likely he would finish with a diploma within a year. Student credit transfers with them when they enroll so they start classes where they left off- it is the same as any other school to school transfer. We send an official request for transcripts and place them in classes based on what credits they need to graduate. We are in school year round, six days per week, with students on a self paced curriculum. In addition, the work they do with teachers is all one on one which provides the opportunity to accelerate their learning.

As far as colleges go- we have a guidance counselor who works with students to complete their college applications etc. We have recently started compiling a list of colleges that students are or have attended- the school your son is interested in is not on our list but I thought I would include it for you to browse. This list is a work in process and we just started compiling the data a few months ago so there are colleges that are not listed here as well.

I have enclosed some additional information for you to review. Let me know if you have additional questions.

I will spare you the rest but basically this was supposed to convince me that the school was okie dokie and whatnot......well I will be the judge of that. I got what I needed and decided to head straight to school. even if it was a Saturday. I spent the next few hours at school emailing the list of schools to see if they ever heard of this fine establishment( as a spoiler, a few schools reported they never heard of that academy and the ones who did and accepted their diplomas were online schools........... need i say more?)

I told Ben about the information I got and suggested he convince his parents to attempt a lawsuit, and I would try to get more information if they did. Although halfway through our discussion, I realized that I cared more about nailing these sons of bitches than he did. He's definitely more forgiving than I am. What was the point in continuing? I expressed my objections about not pursuing it, but respected that if he's willing to move on and let bygones be bygones, i wont fight this battle for him. If anything, he's definitely reached a point where his life seems more peaceful than it once was.. I needed to get back on that path.

The next week in school I caught myself in a nostalgia frenzy I could not escape. I kept watching my old school animes Yu Yu Hakusho and Dragonball Z. I was in such awe at some of the scenes I used to watch as a kid I spent over 7 hours each day watching clips and episodes. Those feelings of excitement and anxiety all came rushing back to me as it did once when I was a child. Definitely an awesome experience, and then it hit me just how important martial arts was in my life. I do have a strong belief in energy beyond physical and scientific imagination. Something spiritual. In karate there was something we call "KI" The Japanese meaning is tree/spirit/feelings... Whenever I get that feeling or bad omen or sense something or someone behind me, or whatever I always had that feeling, and I believed I experienced it in other ways. During one of my runs, my body was giving out on me, and then I visualized energy flowing from the center of my body and spreading out to all four limbs and suddenly I had energy out of nowhere. It was definitely a unique experience and from then on I been interested in tapping into my Ki a bit more.

I spent some time chilling in central park. Watching couples and friends lay out with blankets in the huge grass area. People walking together taking pictures and going on about their business. Every once in awhile, it hits me that I am alone and not just the loner type. It's ok at times though. Even right now I can somewhat smile for other people seeing them being happy, Even though my happiness is dwindling a little bit right now...

I decided to sit on top of the big rock at central park where I can watch other people around me. I was sitting alone so I took time to focus my energy on what I wanted.. What I want...............no what i NEED is to start doing things in my life that I enjoy to balance out the current responsibilities I have now.

I sat still and tried to focus my energy and hope it guides me to what I felt I needed.

I wanted to enjoy the days where I was actually affectionate with people, and loved to hang out with them just for the purpose of being with them. Separate my personal life with my professional life

Those carefree moments where we spent most of the day laughing at each other and laughing with each other. When I could balance being an intelligent and resourceful investigator, and also a goofball.

It suddenly hit me hard and then I was sad. The saddest I have felt in such a long time. I needed to get out of this park and back to the shelter which ironically felt like a comfort zone all of a sudden when it was normally a prison to me......................................

I miss my friends..................

Back to the basics part one

2011-07-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

" Thomas Thomas Thomas you have not changed at all. You're still as skeptical and pessimistic as you were two years ago........just sadder this time, but due to everything you've been through it's definitely understandable. Two years ago you were still the same but you were more playful. There was a light in you. You knew what you wanted in life and was determined to get it. It's not gone, but I think it's dimming. Just don't let life beat you down. You're a young man and has definitely been through alot more than you should. I do not envy you at all. I really don't know why all of these bad things are happening to you, but I care for you and it upsets me, because no one should go through so many things. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, and whatever reason im hoping this makes you have a much better life for you in the end"

My growing ear infection turned me off from listening to my music as I waited at the train station...which meant I had time to reflect on what was just said to me. The conversation kept drilling itself back into my head

" There was a light in you"
"Just dont let life beat you down"
"No one should go through so many things"
" You have not changed at all"
" You're just sadder this time"
"Sadder............sadder..........................sadder"

Was that true? Have I really gotten sadder? Nope not sad really.. Just more distant. I'm not as affectionate as I used to be. It's not just that I don't really hug people like I use to, it was something more. My intimacy has definitely faded, and I become more business minded...............about everything. Even in hanging out. As far as my fire was concerned, it's burning brighter than ever.. while I may not be feeling sad, i'm definitelty feeling rage, and I plan to use it as fuel to help me reach my goals. I vowed to never be homeless again.

Waking up in just my undies, I took a quick shower and rushed out to my morning Forensic Science class. It was the earliest class and was starting to take a toll on me, but I definitely needed a distraction from my failing job search as well as other findings. My mom has already left and left some money for me. It took me some time, and although I haven't fully forgiven her, I also remembered that we are a team and will have to work together to get past this current obstacle. We met up after a month of discommunication to go to a shelter in Harlem. This place is also roach infested and we can't really store food here, but for now it will have to do until something happens.

It was interesting to walk the streets of harlems. All you see are buildings, and bodegas. A lot of buildings are actually empty and stores and small businesses are out of business. Way back in the day, Harlem was known for it's richness of being a home to many powerful and successful black people. It's kinda sad to think about what it is now. The home of the desperate struggling homeless. I wonder if that's why the people in Soho were strongly against a shelter coming into their neighborhood. They claimed that people like us would tear their community down...............So much for their belief in being such a open minded community. Accepting the gay community alone doesn't automatically make someone unprejudiced in my opinion.

I learned in a short amount of time that Forensic Science was not for me, or maybe I was not interested. I just wanted the credit to be up to speed for my senior year. As soon as class or lab ended I headed straight for the school gym which is where I got to express myself in a more healthy matter. As bad of a situation I may be in right now, there are other things I can do, and taking care of my body is my main priority. I starting working out at least 3-5 days a week intensly and do light workouts on my resting days. I substituted my milk and chocolate milk for Green tea and Raspberry Iced Tea. I cut down on red meat even more and started to add more fruits and vegetables into my mainly diet.

The best way for me to fix my situation is to get ahold of some type of income. I need a job dammit but its tough. I'm an investigator though.....can't I figure something out??!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The job search was definitely one of the toughest for me. After working out I quickly head to the computer lab where I would read message boards and Forbes tips and whatever I can to access that hidden job network. I knew it was out there, just waiting for me to discover it......but while nothing is coming up I need to start planning longterm. I created a Linkedin Account which is basically a social networking site for business professionals. On that site are plenty of people who made it in my field. Who better to ask for advice than those type of people? After reaching out to a few professionals I finally started to grasp the importance of networking and decided to play a different game......It look like it's time to get sociable.

While planning my next form of attack, I was messaged by one of my friends from my hometown in Bensonhurst. Haven't seen him in awhile so I ju,ped at the opportunity to chill, and there was nothing better to do on campus anyways. I soon find out that he's been gone for a good year. Fucked up in school and got sent to boarding school in Iowa, and ended up graduating ahead of his time. I was proud of his accomplishments but not happy about the experiences he was forced to go through there. I can definitely tell he was somewhat institutionalized by this... I was even more pissed to find out the amount of money his parents spent....................only to find out the diploma he received there could not get him into a CUNY College because it was not accreddited...............Seriously? What the fuck was up with that??!?!?!!??!!??!?!

Few days after that, I'm already in the computer lab like a mad man researching this institution to the core. On it's website it uses very persuasive language. " When it comes to the future of your child, no fee is too high"............Might as well just say SPEND SPEND SPEND~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Maybe because he's like my little brother I felt more of an incentive to step in and see how legit this school was....besides are there really people out there who is not so corrupt.............................................................................oh yeah...............there is.

I wouldn't even be here right now if it wasn't for one of my friends. Christopher Davis(character profile coming soon) He's been there for me within this whole ordeal by giving me an ear. Distracting me from this issue, and helping me out. Him and his mom made a plan to supply me with free unlimited metro cards for the month of June and July. Im praying I can find a job within this span so I can support myself. Even while on his fellowship in Chicago he still comes through for me.............so maybe there's not that many corrupted people, but as far as these people are concerned, I had to give them a little test. I decided to write them an email about my "troubled son"

"Good morning. My son Thomas is a bright boy, but he cannot seem to focus. He was doing fine the first two years in school but lately he's been messing up. Getting into fights with other kids, and talking back to the teachers. I even hear that he's been cutting class, though he denies this. He claims he wants to go to John Jay College and be a private investigator, but I don't see how he's going to do that, if he doesn't graduate from school. I will not allow him to drop out and obtain his GED so that's out of the question. His mother told me about this school because she knows one of her coworkers who sent her son there. I chcked the site and the reviews. My son will be doing summer school so he can get enough credits for senior year because he failed his classes. If I make him enroll here, will he be able to receive his diploma within a year? because i don't want him to start over. Also will he be able to use this diploma to gain admission to CUNY colleges? He really has his heart set out on John Jay College. CUNY. Will this schools accreditation help with that?

Please respond

Sincerely, Christopher"

When anyone blantantly promises something that is not delivered it's much easier for a lawsuit to be developed. So why am I doing this?

Me- "What the fuck? How much did it cost"

Ben- "They spent about 11 grand..."

Me- ................................

So you bastards wanna play don't you?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! Take my bait and I swear i'm gonna make you pay

(To be continued)

Character Profile "Another Damn Leo"

2011-06-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Jason C Lin
Age-21
Height-5'9
Introduction- John Dewey High School 2007
Memorable Quote- FUCK OFF(son, my dick, bitchass, etc)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Website-http://jaycl.blogspot.com/

I got to know many people from Dewey who were graduating for 2007. I can honestly say that I liked more people from that year than my own graduating class. They seemed cooler for some strange reason. I was gonna miss those people. Most of them anyways. Jason wasn't one of those people. I known Jason from Mr Rosens class for Marine Science. I noticed he talked a lot. Although I didn't really recognize him in class. Mr Rosen brought him to my attention with.

"Why can't you be a good student like Jason over there"?

I was pretty sure the point was to be a smart student. After all, I did get an ME (A) in my previous cycle. I just was a little disruptive but that's another story. My conversations with Jason were very rare, and very brief. It didn't take long for me to discover that he was not fond of strangers. The few times I joked around with him, he spoke extremely fast, short and bitter(not sweet) and looked agitated. I made a mental note to never make a "your momma" joke. Dude looked like he would punch me in the face at any second. Something about his aura told me that he is not really a huggable person. Then again, didn't I just become public enemy #1 with 10 people in the span of two days, and also catching heat for making a girl cry? I haven't been very warm either. I shrugged it off as personal issues. He wasn't all that bad. His friend Raymond seemed cool..........friendly

maybe a little too friendly.............................but thats another story once again

I didn't see Jason again until the summer of my freshman year at John Jay. He seemed more friendly than I anticipated. I expected to hear a "fuck off, or "whatever". but he actually joked and oh shit he can SMILE AND LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......I guess he wasn't a cyborg after all.

In time I would get to know Jason a bit better. Random and spontaneous chats on facebook when we're both bored and apparently had nothing else to do. Eventually we started chatting on aim. He's actually the first person who read my blog, and was without a doubt my biggest supporter when I first created this blog. The contents discussed from my blog post would leak into our aim convos. I shared a lot about my personal life, and surprisingly he shared a lot about his personal life. The big and sometimes little things he told me about himself, combined with my deduction skills gave me a more defined view of him. Although I still do see his hardass persona as a bravado somewhat, I know that it also stems from his life events.I get the feeling that he's misunderstood. and therefore has trouble expressing himself . I know he's trying to make a better future for him and his family. I know he makes an effort to put faith in himself so he doesn't have to worry about other people giving it to him, and I know he's respectful when he told me he respects how I've been able to handle all the bad things that happened to me and still be standing strong. Overall, I think he is a bright guy with his future ahead of him. I'm pretty sure he's gonna succeed at whatever goal he's looking to obtain. I respect that he has some backbone, and apparently doesn't take shit from anybody though I still feel obligated to challenge his perspective if I feel he's not 100% accurate. Not to try and rub it in his face, but to give some good advice that will do him good in the future and also to test where he stand on certain issues.

He may deny it. May call me a pussy, or whatever, but at the end of the day, I see him like a half boiled egg. Hard shell on the outside, but he's pretty much a softy at heart "shrugs". It's the truth. Almost everyone has a breaking point. I more or less know what his is, which makes him more human than the macho act he puts on. Then again, I put on an act as well. I always suggest that we're more like acquaintances and not really friends, when in reality I had more convos with him in 2010 alone than I did with people I actually did consider my friends. It's just an ambiguous bond him and I have. Very close yet very far apart was how he described it once. So he's pretty much a smart, wisecracking asshole, among the other assholes that live within NYC. Although in this city where corruption is all around us, i'm glad to say he's one of the few people who isn't corrupted and for that I consider him a good friend, and someone i'll always remember.

Favorite Memory- The night we talked about how we can have a sixth sense about certain situations and then the conversation after that regarding the ambiguity. That really caught me off guard lol

Common Dialogue

Me- Yo wassup kid
Jason- Fuck off bitch
Me- Be nice sir.. it's the right thing to do =)
Jason- Fucking faggot (bleep bleep bleep)
Me- What do you know about (something serious)?
Jason- (Serious reply with little to no cussing)
(Deep conversation begins)

A cold day in May

2011-05-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Them-
"It will all turn out"
"Think positive and life will magically change for you"
"Things just happen for a reason, dont worry about it"
"It's all apart of life"
"I'm always genuine. I'm just progressive. You gotta stop being negative(as im home drinking hot chocolate =D )
"I know a guy who's friend been homeless on the train for two weeks. no biggie you got it good"

My Response-
....................I gotta pee

It's been a month since the final verdict was made to deny my mom and I from entering back into our apartment. If not already, A new tenant should be residing there shortly. They allowed us about 4 days to remove all of our belongings. I used those days to pack up what I needed. Checking the mailbox, I noticed I was served to appear in court for Jury Duty pretty soon. I shoved it into my pocket and got to work on removing my belongings. My nintendo wii had to stay back, but I had to grab one of the games with me to return to a friend I borrowed from. I also packed as many clothes as I can fit. along with some additional usb cables and devices I needed. Everything was eventually moved out with little to no injuries. The living room couch set remained though. Way too heavy and I wasn't in the mood to risk my dislocated shoulder to move it. I did however move them into the corners. Itll give the landlords movers a bit more exercise when they move the stuff we left behind to either auction or whatever it is they want to do. It's pretty much garbage now. I did take a final look at the eviction notice, More particularly the opposing company. Looking at my double stuffed bag and fumbling with the gadgets in my bag I couldnt help but to produce a sudden smirk on my face. The last thoughts I had for my landlord before walking away was the following.

"I hope you lay low and not be suspected of any illegal activity from here on, but the minute you continue i'll make it my mission to expose all your dirty laundry"

What's a man to do when the people, and circumstances around him seem to all take a dramatic dive down the Titanic? I spent a few hours at the school lab trying to figure out the solution. Although homeless, im still a college student who needed to complete his 8 page investigation paper, 6 page juvenile corrections, 5 page lab report, and 25 pg social research proposal if I wanted to focus on more important matters. I more or less completed my work within the span of a few days. No time for petty college woes, I have business to handle.

Negligent friends continued their negligent ways, but it made it easier for me. I was in full strategy mode and I needed to separate the players. My helpful friends were in one batch. My negligent friends were batched in with people who aren't useful for this situation.. I tried to locate the people who would potentially get in the way of my game plan and found none. I'm guessing the legal system will be a bit of a hassle later on, but knowledge is power. The more I know, the better I have a chance to put this into action.

Sending out resumes to employers was a start. I've been on the job hunt since February but now it was time to add more effort. Sending out mass notifications to my helpful friends to keep a look out for all help wanted signs and new hires at their jobs if they're working. In the meantime, I learned of different job engines and added them to my list of tools. I took the libety of permanantly borrowing an abandoned yellow pages. For the next hour and a half, I became the most annoying son of a gun to companies listed on those pages as I contacted them for employment opportunities and possible internships or referrals. The only thing about hiring is that it takes a process. One interview, followed by a second interview etc etc. This was more of a long term pleasure....and what I need is short term.

The great thing about being a homeless and a minority is that all of the negative stereotypes about you are assumed to be confirmed in the eyes of people who probably tossed their books away after glancing the front cover. Theie ignorance is my gain though. I learned that these people are the easiest to impress. Dressed in my ragged hoodie/sweatpants combination, I talked to a few people about job offerings, and assistance for college students. Since most of these people were not expecting to hear the word "college" spill from my lips, it was definitely an ice breaker. I learned of temp companies in exception to Aldon and Troy agencies and others in the city worth attending. Temps are best when it comes to quick money. Most pay from 12-17 an hour since they only expect to keep workers for a few months. I already received an email from Aldon & Troy to work 4 months for the summer. There might be a chance to get promoted into full time employment, but 9-5 schedule will really mess with my school schedule..........its time to think some more.

SUMMER CLASSES... It took some asking around but I figured out that financial aid for summer classes were separate from the typical Fall/Spring year.. This is good news for me. A reward for spending an extra month in school for pity classes? why not go for it?. Logging on the site, I registered for phys ed, and intro drawing to estimate my rewards. A click later and I see after tuition I have at least 1,700 in grant money left for me to do whatever I please. I already took the liberty of applying for my financial aid debit card, that I sent to a dummy address to avoid the chance of my check being sent to my old address. There will be no more checks for me. All my grant money will go straight to this card. At the very least, This money will bring in food, and some minor excitement for me while my job search continues.

While touring Times Square, I managed to spot one of my negligent friends. He seems fine and well. I'm surprised he was able to look me in the eyes as I walked past before putting his head down.....I smiled and walked on. The interesting thing about people who disappear and keep their distance when you're in trouble is that they are so quick to reappear when life is going well again. The whole batch will return and suddenly be interested in knowing how my life is, and when i'll be hanging out and yadda yadda.. Handling them will be fun when that happens. I briefly remembered one blogger on my previous post stated my way of thinking wasn't working. I have to disagree though. My way of thinking (as unorthodox as it is) is working just fine and i'll need it to cope with what i'm about to do to make sure I succeed

Game on..........

It pours worse in NYC part 2

2011-05-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Life has taught me the value of intuition. As much as a logical person I am, I am instinctive first. I believe my inner feelings are the pathway to truth and I use my logic to seek out the possible meanings behind them. There were nights I could not go to bed because I felt strange. A weird vibe that the conclusion to my situation was already solved. There was no open ended scenario to this tale.............................

The stress of the situation was getting to me. I neglected my schoolwork as well as my health during spring break. My face was terribly breaking out and I started to put on weight even though I barely ate throughout the day. To help me through the day I spent some time with my friends Christopher, Ken and Jia on separate occassions. Often during those times, a part of me was still locked away in my inner thoughts. I was too aware of the situation and yet had so many unanswered questions to be fully focused in anything. I spent most of my spring break at my college online searching job applications, trying to focus on my papers or just idly sitting around. Out of impulse I decided to put an application for public housing. Being homeless puts me on a faster waiting list, so hopefully I will get a chance to get my own apartment soon enough

I clashed with a lot of people during the break. I know they meant well but they were unable to comfort me.

"Things get better over time"
"Dont worry, it will all turn out"
"Everything is going to work out"
"You need to shed yourself of those negative thoughts, and stay positive, everything will be fine"

These thoughts all seem great written or typed or spoken, but all I have to do is ask "when? and how can you be sure?" and those statements crash and burn. As for my perspective, I was walking on a fine line between being realistic and being cynical. In reality there was just something errie about this whole situation that was not gonna just fix itself like those people wanted to assume. In my opinion it's very easy to say those things when you don't want to get involved which is why I wouldnt leave myself vulnerable to them in the first place. The people who I was able to be vulnerable with and react positively to are the ones who actually showed genuine support to me.

"I overheard that Chase and Mcdonalds are hiring, i'm gonna keep a look out for other jobs and tell you. I know some might be crappy but as long as you have SOMETHING you can slowly rebuild"

"When are you free? We can meet and hang out for lunch and stuff. Don't worry I got you"

"I'll be off of work in a few minutes, if you want to talk I can meet you right now"

"Send me your resume, i'll give them to my boss tomorrow and see if anyone is hiring"

"There's gotta be cheaper apartments out there besides public housing. try craigslist, i'll also look around too"

The defining differences is the practicality. They're actually giving me something to work with whether its buying me lunch, or helping find jobs or even giving me their time. In todays world negligent friends are pretty common. We invest our time in people who are sometimes around for the good, but when the bad happens they tend to distance themselves from you when they are probably needed the most. Selectively deciding when they want to be in your life by choosing when or not to answer a phone call or a text. Sometimes responding weeks or months later. Or they get caught up in their own world and ignore others purposely or just don't feel like it. I understand people who are mainly self serving but I cannot invest myself to them. As negative as that sounds, the point of me opening up to someone is that I trust them enough to be there for me when I need them. I make it a point to be there for my friends when they need me, so i answer every call i can answer. if i miss their call due to being away, i respond promptly whether or not they leave me a voicemail, and i'm willing to get personally involved in their affairs to help them solve a crisis to the best of my ability. The important thing for me is that as their friend, I have a duty to help or I shouldnt be their friend at all. In todays "Don't worry about other people worry about yourself" perspective, my ideal of a friend is way more than some people can live up to. I choose to be a leader and be the kind of friend that I would want to have.

It's been about three weeks since i've been homeless and also three weeks since I saw my mother. School was back in session and it was time to drag myself around to still keep things moving. I had a job fair to attend to in some symbolic hope it would be a turning point for me. It turned out to be less in my favor than I would've liked. The big jobs like CIA, ATF, DEA, etc all required law enforcement experience. Unless you joined the NYPD at 18 or returning officer or vet for college experience, i highly doubt half of the people at this job fair had the experience to apply. Not to mention i burned out 50 resumes and only gave out 3 because we were all told to register online. That was funny. I even saw my old employers JCPenney and Century 21. Seeing those two made me feel guilty. I could've prevented this all from happening if I just stayed there instead of trying to relax and enjoy my semester. Although my mom didn't tell me about our financial problems, my hesistance to leave in the beginning was a clear warning that I ignored. I'm responsible in that sense.

The situation as I seen was a deadend. I really don't understand why my mom was short on rent when I paid the month of February. It doesn't make any sense at all. If the bills turned out to be too much then perhaps we were better off staying in the shelter the whole time last year to pay off those credit card loans so there would be no more distractions. I definitely have to be more assertive in knowing how the expenses are being covered from there on.

I eventually find out that the landlord lawyers don't want our money. At first it didn't make sense why they wasted three weeks keeping us locked out when they could've just made us move right away and get our stuff out, but it was naive thinking of me. Everything became very clear soon what the plan was. I suspected from the beginning and even laughed a little as it manifested themselves........

The way they evicted us was smart. Sending it by mail instead of personally serving us with the notice. The date was April 7th but it was crossed out as April 6th. From the date it was mailed, they had to wait 6 days to evict us. Unfortunately no notice was received in the mail until after that date we were evicted. That strategy was technically legal. They did the procedure and its not their fault if we don't receive the mail on time for whatever reason. Without the notice there was no way to request a showorder cause to delay eviction and get the money needed. So once we were evicted they pretty much had us. They used the three weeks delay to show our apartments to potential future tenants. Even though we never received 24hour notification in advance that they would do it, which is illegal to my understanding but technically they did "notify" us and we didn't receive it for w/e reason. Not their fault once again. Now that they have someone who wants the apartment, they were able to refuse us to be allowed back in. We can only go back in to remove our stuff which we have by sunday to do. The judge felt it was unfair after siding with them in the beginning and tried to plead with them to give us a chance but they refused. No surprise there. They had a smart strategy and it worked in their favor.

I'm mad at landlords for playing their dirty tricks, and borderline illegal tactics in our eviction and follow up procedures. I'm mad at my mom for not staying on top of rent and/or notifying me about her troubles to keep up with the rent, so I could've done something to prevent this situation from evening happening. I'm also mad at myself for not just staying with my full time job even though it put my school semester at risk. I'd rather work and worry about making time for my homework and papers or risk missing a few days at work to catch up, than worry about my present situation now. I'm also mad at myself for not taking a more proactive approach to overseeing the financial situations, because I could've seen this coming for myself. I had a strange feeling for awhile and as always the time I choose not to pursue them, I regret it later. I could've made a difference and that bothers me the most.

In a few days, I will be able to gather my clothes and other belongings and i'll leave the rest behind. I don't know where i'm gonna go from here. It's a little funny. At the beginning of the year I had dreams to celebrate my 21 bday in Japan, and now i'm wondering if i'll have my own key before my 21st bday or will I be traveling in and out of shelters or peoples apartments for awhile. It really never rains in southern california. Not as much as it pours, but believe me.............It really pours in NYC too

It pours worse in NYC part 1

2011-04-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

Spring break kicked off after my Juvenile Delinquency class and I just came from having an interview with Linda Simmons and Samuel Hirsch at their private law company located in the empire state building. I was responding to an ad for a part time investigator for some investigative journalism. Although I was not a Journalism major, I did have my own share of investigation stories like finding my friend which was a story they were really impressed with. They even told me to give them a call next week. I'm sure when I call I will probably get some bad news only because of my age and lack of professional experience. If they were really looking for someone to cover a high profile case, then its practical to get someone with more experience. I was not feeling down though. After all spring break was here. Few papers to do. Visit friends I haven't seen in awhile and get some training done before my karate tournament in May. Besides i'm looking pretty bonafide in my suit. Looking pretty successful.......on top of the world............homeless........WHAT?!?!?!

Seeing the eviction notice was not exactly on my list of activities to embark during my spring break. I took a second to sit down on the stairs in the building trying to think of the damages. Most of my books are with me in my duffle bag. No change of clothes on me though so that sucked.. Shit!!!! my presricption pills were left inside the house as well. Just as my skin was beginning to clear up from this evil acne that occured due to my hormonal imbalance. Why am I not feeling shocked though? I know this was my 4th time but I didn't see this coming It just didn't make................wait a minute I do remember. Eyes shut, I focused on the visitor I had last night.

"Tell your mom to call Tyrone"

Of course. That was a fucking warning...why didn't I inquire into it. My gut told me to but I ignored it. I even felt funny waking up in the morning like I did last year, but perhaps it was the interview I was excited about that made me lose focus on this situation. Hmmmmmm well it looks like im the first one who knows since my mom didn't call me to tell me. and WTF my battery is low...extremely low, and my charger is not in my duffle. I neglected to take it with me to school cuz i figured I would be coming straight home. The brief phone call stated the obvious. She had a warning and didn't tell me. What I didn't know was where I would go tonight. It's almost 7 AM and it's getting late. Our communication link was shattered with everything going on at once. I had to hang up the phone to focus. First thing first, is I need a charger if I want any hopes of reaching out to people. I sent a text to everyone I knew explaining the situations hoping to get some sort of response. In the meantime, I went to the one store on bushwick that would probably have a charger. There was a $5 charger...a little suspicious but i bought it and then walked my way to the laundromat. I needed an outlet to charge the phone and that was the only place I can think of that would have one. After all the time I spent going there that shouldnt be a problem. By the time I got to the laundromat a funny thought occured to me....what if the piece of shit dont work?....a question that became a reality. it didn't work and I cursed myself at my stupidity. I couldved checked right there in the store . By the time I walked back, the store was closed. I asked around for a boostmobile store and all of them just happened to close. One closed practically in front of my face... Well isn't this fantastic. I noticed i got some responses on my phone but before I can check them my battery officially died. This is not good. It would do me no good to stay in brooklyn though. It's obvious these stores close earlier than 9-5 workers can get to them after work..........which is why they go to stores in manhattan. My experience working in herald square taught me that those stores probably stay open the latest. I didn't know for sure if there was a boostmobile in herald square but it was the only lead i had. While sitting on the train I had time to contemplate what just occured. It made me furious to know this was happening to me once again, and once again I was out of the loop until the last minute. After awhile I decided I was more disappointed than angry. Disappointed because I thought I could have faith to at least be informed about any potential financial problems that occur. The justification was that there was nothing I can do about it since I was no longer working. That is true, but while I couldn't do much financially, I couldve used the situation to make my own decisions to take caution as far as what I can take with me that I might not be able to get once they changed the locks like my prescription, school id, books, etc.

Arriving at the manhattan mall in herald square, i noticed how funny my thought could have contrasted so quickly. I went to feeling on top of the world to feeling nasty, poor, sweaty and just angry, although I kept my cool to find a safe place for the night. There was no boostmobile nearby but I remembered there was a radioshack upstairs which had my charger. Next I had to travel to my school to use an outlet. John Jay College was only 10 minutes away so why not? After charging my phones i got a bunch of text messages ranging from

"why"
"how"
"what happened"
"sorry"

I ignored those messages. and looked for the one I needed. the one that says "come to my house" Great timing considering it was close to school so I worked my way over to queens. Once I knew I would be somewhere safe and warm, then I was able to respond to people about my current circumstances. At least the ones who responded. It always seems to be a few selective people that decide when they feel like responding and when they don't care lol. It was nearly midnight by the time I reached queens but I really couldn't sleep that night. I was just kept thinking....."why"

I couldnt stand being in the suit anymore. I woke up early in the morning to ride out to modells and changed into sweats. I left my suit in my gym locker and spent the next few days at school right after I wake up. I didn't want to intrude and I needed something to keep myself sane. I noticed my face was really staring to suffer from this stress and that was not good at all. My friend Jun from queens got in trouble unfortunately and I couldn't go there during the weekends. I got lucky when a good friend of mine in brooklyn allowed me to stay over especially since it was a rainy day. He got me some food cuz I was hungry as hell since I spent the whole morning studying for a test I finished in 10 minutes, and I arrived just in time before it started pouring and thundering. I got very lucky and was excited that sunday was approaching. Hopefully i'll hear some good news monday and can at least enjoy my full spring break. Saturday night I could not sleep though. Even thoug I knew I had to leave early sunday morning to work I just couldn't sleep.

Andy- You should really get some sleep.
Me-"............what if I find out I can't go home on monday
Andy- You shouldn't think like that. You hace to be positive

I wanted to believe that, but something inside me felt something was off. I tried not to dwell on it though. I figured since sunday was expected to be one of the more sunny days, I should take advantage of the opportunity and wear something more dignifying. I purchased a decent pair of slacks and a shirt and hung around union square by myself for the most part. The plan was for me to have a good time. I figured that if I have a blast on Sunday perhaps i'd hear some good news on Monday. I even arranged to stay at one of my friends house near bushwick so I can easily move back in. The best way to pass time is to see a movie. I went to see scream 4 because out of all the crappy movies, it seemed to be the one that sucked the least....... but maybe some people disagreed with that too because I was the only guy in there. Maybe it sucked more than I thought. I figured i should take the opportunity to sit near the front. Spent some free time texting my friends to thank them for their help and then get interrupted by two girls who enter the theater

Girl 1: OMG!!!!! it's empty where do you wanna sit
Girl 2: THERE'S NO ONE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girl 1 : WE'RE THE FIRST FUCKING PEOPLE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing how excited they were, I didn't find it fair to burst their bubble. They can have this moment, as long as I have my moment the next day. I went to sleep anxious waiting to hear some good news. I didn't feel too good inside though. I couldnt sleep sunday night ever. I've just been waiting for a phone call for hours and hours even though I knew I would have to leave soon cuz my friend had to work tonight. I waited and waited and waited some more for that phonecall. Eventually I got a text message that vaguely stated we'd have to wait a few more days before we can go back home. There was no guarantee day of when i'd be going home but it seems I wont be relaxing during this spring break like I planned to.

I just took a deep sigh knowing that i have to plan ahead for a few more days. Perhas a few weeks. I really don't know at this point. Then again what's the point of sighing and going through these motions. This has been a pattern since 2006. I'm very used to this by now.......

To be continued

Living in a dream

2011-03-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

"Wow WTF!!!!!! is that how things really are now Thomas? It's no wonder why you don't have a lot of friends. You can't trust anyone and treat us all like criminals. I guess you will be good in the FBI........."

I responded "Not sure about the FBI but damn straight for investigator" before i chucked my cell back in my pocket. Yeah probably not the nicest response but this is not a new facet of my personality that's here all of a sudden. It's who i've been for the past five years and who I plan to be down this phase of my life. Does it get lonely? sometimes. But does it help me stand strong when I am alone? absolutely

Gaining closure of the whereabouts of my lost friend was definitely a great ego and morale booster for me, but it also left me seriously bored. Now that my trip to Japan was not happening I didn't really have much to work on. Part of me was itching for a new project. Maybe a missing cat, or a cheating bf/gf or a sexually adventurous adolescent runaways. Just something to keep me focused and occupied for awhile, because school bores me to death. I still find myself sleeping in certain classes. I'm not worried or anything, I have the ability to be sleep and still pick up on the lectures in the classroom, except when i go out snoring. So I guess I need some entertainment, and barhopping or sweating my ass off in a danceclub grinding on a firm latina is not gonna help. Nor will going to school events though I did attend the Songfest 2011 in Wagner college to support my pal, and it wasn't bad. A lot of school spirit, a little too much for me.

In the meantime working out was the only thing to help me stay in somewhat shape so I don't fall into a slump due to boredom. Hmmmm it seems I had two voicemails. One was from a job I considered a scam.. The other however was from litigation solutions. The job that deals with surveillance of fraud, workers compensation etc. Weird number though. 412 area code in nyc? Checking the number on a phone validation site led me to a base in Pittsburgh. That's just strange, but no bad vibe. Actually a really good vibe to pursue this lead. I was going to call but instead went on the company website. Ok so the original headquarters are in Pittsburgh but there are chains in NYC. Someone must be really important to call me from the original HQ. After checking the site where I applied for the job I prepared myself to call. It turns out I was right. The man calling was the Vice President. I was nervous when I had to admit I was not qualified due to me not having a vehicle at the moment, but he just said it's ok once i get the call he'll transfer me over for an interview. That company is basically looking for entry level positions with no experience anyways to balance out the senior investigators............AWESOME.

A little after my door rang, and it was a package from USPS. I knew what it was. My digital SLR camera. The Canon EOS 20D. $1000+ for only $400. Good deal for me. While I am somewhat good with a point and shoot digital, I need to learn how to operate these cameras as well, especially for investigative work. It seems the only equipment i needed now was my own vehicle..............

Scratch that I need my license as well. This is what I get from procrastinating on lessons since 2007. I could be riding dirty right now, but no.........im riding with dirty hobo's in the slower and often unreliable subway system. I'm gonna have to change that when I get the chance. In the meantime, I searched for the nearest driving school, and quickly made an appointments after checking the company for scamming issues. The sooner I get my license, the sooner I can start looking for a job to help pay for my new vehicle. Not exactly the easiest task, but it must be done. I can't do everything on foot. I found that the hard way tracking up the hills in Staten Island looking for Wagner College. If my subject is located in these isolated areas, I'm gonna be in trouble, but I definitely have a goal now. The depression of my 21st bday of going to Japan is now replaced with my lifelong goal of becoming an Investigator being pursued further. Looks like I have a project after all.

The way things work part 2

2011-03-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

This would be simple. All I have to do is enter my credit card information, and in a few seconds..............WHAMMO i'll have one answer. It would only cost me a good $10 as well. I confirm and then purchase and wait for the page to load............and then it came back as an error.. I was typing so fast i mixed up a few numbers. I fixed it but before I pressed send I realized I was wasting my time. While I couldn't deny that he might be dead for all I know, i COULD deny that the last place of birth would be there. Especially when in 2005 he would be a minor, all his information would've been transferred to his new home automatically, so this search in itself was a waste..........Looks like im back to square one.

Looking at the time, I realized it was time for me to pursue other aspects of my life and prove im not a one dimensional character. I still need to find a job and make up for my huge loss in finances. I got a call from a loss prevention manager at DKNY, but it sounded weird talking to him. Especially the bit of him sometimes being the only guard available, and from my retail experience loss prevention was always in packs, so being in plain clothes with a huge duffel bag, it was time to make an unannounced visit to the store. Checking the address on hopstop.com i found that it was one train stop away from my school. Not bad.......not bad at all. Walking past the store and I see a bunch of glass and what looks like two caucasian women who are sales associate waiting to greet customers. Why such a direct approach though? I walked inside the store, after making a phone call so I wouldn't bring too much attention to myself, although that was my original plan to check out the loss prevention strategy of dealing with suspicious people. I took a few glances, but I didn't see any radios on the guards. Most just sat there chilling. The store was practically empty on a friday afternoon 2 pm to precise. How exactly did this store make any business at all? Im gonna have to research this when I get home. In the meantime, I decided to stop being suspicious and wander down to the men's department. Walking past expensive clothes I would never consider purchasing, I searched for a sales associate. Couldn't find one for sure since they were wearing plain clothes and not exactly sporting id's to identify themselves. I brought my attention towards the only guy folding jeans, and there are no courteous customers unless they had retail experience and to boot he was slightly effeminate in a high fashion store(i think high fashion) I asked if he could help me pick out a nice outfit for a social gathering my home girl invited me to next week. He showed me with great enthusiasm and took me through certain sections of the store. Meanwhile I was checking for cameras and realized I didn't really see any camera's at all. Maybe they are hidden but still. Well this will make a small problem..or maybe most of the customers who come here have no real motive to steal, or worse, they just don't get caught. I saw all that I needed to see, and I thanked the sales guy for his help and said I would try to bring the girl with me on monday so she can decide what she felt look good on me.............Well unless I find a girl on short notice, i'll really be coming by myself on monday for my interview... Besides the only social gathering ill be attending are my school classes.

I still haven't heard from my other friends in Japan yet, and the death toll is raising higher and higher by the minute. This is definitely not good. With so many people suffering, I just can't see myself going on this trip. Not at the moment at least. It was a dream of mines, but I might have to put it on hold for awhile. In the meantime, I planned to send Japan a donation so I can at least do my own part in helping. I figured I can use the money im saving to invest in a better laptop, SLR digital Camera and a decent vehicle. All meant to help me become a more established private investigator. It's funny how besides my trip to Japan, I surround everything towards my future occupation. Forget about getting a car for the courtesy of going on a joyride. I want a car, to make my trips faster and to gain more clients by my geographic availability. I can tell ima be a workaholic when I get in a career..........

In a way I might as well be a workaholic now. Saturday night, and while my fellow college and post grad students are living it up, Im in the house searching up more leads. Even after chatting with a few people on aim who were amazed I was still up past 3 am. One of my friends commented based on the information I had no real strong leads, but as an aspiring investigator, I know it takes persistence to gain information when you have very little or nothing to go on. I could be working myself to death but my instincts tell me im getting closer than it appears and I keep on searching.

I was surprised my mom was still up. We spoke for a split second making random conversation

Me- " The moving company who brought our storage stuff back lost most of our old photos right?"
Mom- " No, I still have them, I was actually looking through them last night"

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all this time I thought we lost them back in 07. I spent the next hour searching through my childhood memories I thought was lost. From my childhood days in elementary. to junior high school and even a few of my high school days. Wow I had a good laugh seeing the pic of me stuck in a asian sandwhich while one asian dude was pretending to try to kiss me IN FRONT of the cute chaperon girl for kindergarten class. Well at least she got a good kick out of it.......that jerk.. Oh yeah here's one I picture I didn't see..... So when I was younger, I went to a school for special children. I remember having speech problems, and also I was in resource program(specifically for "special" children) It had its perks being that I always had extra time to take citywide exams and whatnot, but it also seemed that I wasn't up to par with the other kids. Perhaps that's why most of them called me dumb, and retarded growing up and made fun of me on a daily basis. I wonder how many would say that about me now?

Getting caught up in nostalgia, I forgot why I asked for the pics in the first place. I remember i mentioned about my sisters prom and I briefly remember camera's flashing all over and i'm sure her and my friends older brother took one. Maybe seeing pictures would jog my memory, or help me remember something, but no luck for me. Looks like another dead end, but then a thought came to me, but I was way too tired to pursue it so i wrote it down on a piece of paper before I went to bed around 5am.

4 hours and a cup of tea later, I went on my last search engine. (brbpub.com) I realized the whole time i've been searching the hardest leads. I don't need to wait for a yearbook to get the name......not when i already know two addresses. I did a personal search of my old address and seen they had an archive of people who lived there including my family, which means i'll have a list of every family that's ever used that address throughout the years...............SWEET. now i'm getting somewhere. Next step is to find the address to the family old address. One of my elementary and junior high school friends lived there. Searched his name in the directory and the address came up.......and now for the climax.. Find the one family that lived in the prior address who moved across the hall from me... It only took a few minutes, but i narrowed it down to one family. The older brothers name was listed......keeps getting better and better. and now for the grand finale. for 1.95 I could check the contact records which is all I needed. Once I had it, I seen that the time of arrival and departure of the address were the same. More importantly I had the last name finally. I verified the last name's on facebook and linked the two brothers. So I actually succeeded. Wow I should transport myself to the nearest P.I agency and hand in my resume, but in all seriousness, i'm glad everything is still ok for the most part. Only thing to do now is to establish contact and see where that takes me....Job well done Thomas =D

The way things work part 1

2011-03-12T09:56:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I woke up with a headache or the sickening feeling I had as I rolled over to grab the remote and quickly tossed the covers off. My shirt is drenched in sweat. What the hell, why is the heat so high?. Turning on the TV I noticed it was over 50 degrees. I didn't pay too much attention to the news. Same ole dumb criminal breaking into someone's home and then calling the cops when the owners come home while taking a shower kind of news. I walked to the fridge when i noticed I wasn't hungry..............well that's weird but my head started pounding, as if it was trying to get my attention. I remember just before peaking at the weather I saw headlines, something about explosions. The TV was on mute so i didn't hear anything. I turned the volume up and the commercial was on. Talk about suspense. Right after that, I see the "tragedy tsunami in Japan" headline as they talk about the event. Without listening to the news, I instinctively texted all my friends who lived, had friends or family in japan to see how they were, and flipped on my laptop and sent emails to everyone I knew. I only got a reply from two people so I was feeling a little nervous but I couldn't stay in the house all day and just wait to receive confirmations. Although my head was throbbing I had errands to run.

My head was throbbing and my stomach kept tightening up. I was trying to ease my mind with the full version of Sunday's on the way on my mp3, but as much as I enjoyed the acapella rendition, my headache would not cease. Do i have a migraine?...............well that's not gonna end good, but at least I was already at John Jay. As much as I loved taking investigations class last semester, I liked being off on a Friday much more which is why I hated that I was in school here 9am when I don't have class when I could be sleeping at home, but I had a few reasons why I was here. My professor from investigation class is a full time Detective. He's only free to teach on Fridays, so it was time I paid him a visit. Thankfully one of my cooler classmates from investigations class was taking another class with him. Very easy to cross reference that with the course selection schedule on ESIMS. That along with her verification gave me the right number classroom and there he is sitting there looking bored out of his mind. Walking into the classroom I greeted him with the same ole

" Wassup mr Detective!!!!!!!!!!"

After explaining why he wasn't able to return my earlier email to him, he gave me a list of search engines to try out as well as other ways to reach him in case I run out of options. I thanked him and made my way to the computer lab. The great thing about John Jay are their computers. Much faster than my laptop, and I can search much faster. who's the target. My friend who i've been searching since a year ago. I took a small break from it, but I never forgot it. Especially when I remember the backstory . Before I can log on to the search engines. I see some articles about Japan and check them out. When I left the house the estimated death toll was about 30, and now it's rising up to 70, and the pictures taken are horrible, and yet some of the faces were extremely calm and poised. Even though I shouldn't, I checked the comments where I saw the "condolences" "tragedies" "spams" and the usual "religion" mixes thrown in there. Some even suggesting that Japan had it coming. I overlooked these comments as A new thought hit my head, as well as another attack from my Migraine. I finally got some responses from people in Japan. Most were from Tokyo who reported to be fine just a little shaken up, but ok......Unfortunately I received one where the friend not only lost 3 childhood friends, but also an ex. That was not easy to swallow, and then an idea came to my mind. But I wasn't ready to pursue that option yet, and I decided to log off for awhile to get my mind settled. The sloshing sensation in my stomach told me it was time, and I ran into the bathroom and ran to the last stall. Leaning over the sink, I tried to compose myself thinking of the one search engine I never checked. My eyes looked sluggish and the Jock idling around waiting to use the last stall to change was in for a big surprise, because it was gonna be occupied by me..... I wanted to know what sickened me more. The realization that this trip to Japan was probably not ideal for me at that point or that the person im searching for might be dead.........................oh god, next thing I know, im vomiting for a few good minutes. The jock asked if I was ok, I just responded

"I had better days"

Napping in the martial arts club room in the dark gave me a place of sanctity. It only took an hour rest, but my headache was finally starting to fade. That's good now I have time to think logically. In truth the only things I remember about my old friend was that he lived across the hall but used to live in another building for awhile. I was aware that no one knew or remembered him, even when I brought it up they just responded with an

"ooooooooooooh i dont even know"

I sometimes wonder if that's what they'll say about me one day. Just like Danny Warhols said it

" A long time ago, we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all"

Not many people will remember 10+ years in the past. Most of society is all for moving forward and never looking back. I'm not like that though so I have to dig as far as the past as I can before I can even think about moving forward. I only know the first name. The last name is essential but I cannot recall for the life of me. The one definite way was to get a hand on my sisters yearbook because the older brother graduated from there. I already called up the school earlier and tried to arrange to get the yearbook. I'm gonna give it to my sister anyways , but I just want to take a quick peak first, but there might be another way isn't there? Even as I contemplated I made my way to another computer lab. One that was more secluded. I wanted to search the Death Master Files, and I knew I would feel uncomfortable if someone was peaking over my screen wondering why im looking for dead people. I know the move was sudden and unexpected. It had to take a little time before the address changed. They were probably still pinned to their old address. Knowing his and the older brothers age, and a small hint of the mothers first name I made a search focusing on the zipcode and the year. Anything from 2000 and on would be fair game. The earlier it happened the more accurate it would be. I prayed that I wouldn't see them pop up on here because it would be a shame, but I can't be afraid to search for the truth so I had to keep looking through the records. I even seen the record of my friends father and my father figured who I briefly discussed when i talked about my father . Suddenly I seen one report that stood out.. My friends first named Appeared and A last name that somewhat made a click as I read it....born in 1990 same age as me... Last known address in my neighborhood..........died in 2005........All i had to do was purchase the report and two things would happen. I would reach a deadend, or I would discover something that would bring me closure(unwanted) but closure in a sense... Time to see where this takes me

To be continued....

Thursday Dedication (off the record)

2011-03-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

A week or so, I came across a blogger who had a realistic outlook about signs to look out for when it comes to Dating.

FYI( we got CHEWED out in this post ) lolz

Now even though the men basically got trashed in this post, have an open mind and know that you can flip the situation because these are all tips and signs to know about the individual, whether it's hetero or same sex. I think this is a great post and i'm glad she posted this. So for my Thursday's dedication, I'm giving a shoutout to Lavonya's " Be aware First Date Red Flag from Men"

Once Again

2011-03-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

There's a place I dream about, where the sun never goes out. And the sky is deep and blue. Wont you take me there with you? Ooh, we can begin again, shed our skin let the sun shine in. At the......

"Edge of the Ocean" can be heard playing in the background as i'm chilling outside a summer day in bensonhurst. I noticed I put on a few pounds, and didn't have as much facial hair as I normally do. Just outside playing handball even though I sucked, followed by a night out on my bud Roberts porch with myself, Robert and Sammy just talking about nonsense all through the night. Must've been around 3am when I left but that was ok because I live there too. Just two train stops away. Same ole same ole......................NO YOU DONT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Indeed that voice was right. I groaned waking up, and instantly shifted on my right side. My left arm shoulder was throbbing in pain. I wondered if I accidentally dislocated it during the sparring match or if it's just a sprain. Either way, I definitely felt handicapped as I struggled to get off the bed, and get dressed. This feeling of handicapped was not cool at all, but i'll have to cope with the pain for now, as i felt sharp pains in my left side while putting on my shirt. I picked a bad time not have any button downs. The train was a far walk and more exercise. No way that's gonna happen. It's gonna take a little longer by bus, but I just needed to go downtown for an EVR appointment. I quickly got on the bus and grabbed a single seat close to the door to avoid sharing and rest on my right side to soothe my left shoulder. With my recent setback I needed to take some countermeasures to get myself back on track...........

I woke up a week prior to today to discover we were in danger of another eviction...... I couldn't believe it was happening again. Long story short, a late light bill of $80 turned into a full $551, and with that, in the way, there was no money for the 800+ rent. I understand the intentions of not asking me for the $80 was to protect my savings for the trip but that was a small price to pay to keep the situation from spiraling out of control. To prevent my life turning into a living hell again I did what I had to do. A roof for the semester was and will always be more important than a two week stay in Japan"

So my assets have plummeted. I began with a strong 2k, and now im down to $600. Needless to say, my 21 birthday plan for Japan is not looking so promising right now. A few peers just responded

"maybe next year"
"well it's always next time"
"Yeah you can always do it again"

The problem with that is these people already had their funs to go on trip when they were my age and younger. Their financial status were better than mine so I don't think they realize that i've been told this year after year. I can't keep waiting and waiting for my moment, or a lucky opportunity. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make this money to go to Japan. This is my vow. I refuse to let my dreams go by so passively. as the bus pulled into my stop, I knew I'd have a long wait ahead of me for this EVR appointment.

Security guards were a bit more pleasant here as I waited on the line to hand in my appointment. They seemed to have an easy job. I wouldn't mind having a position here. Earlier, I made an alliance with the COPE program to help me build a stronger resume and help me find a good paying job that will help accommodate my schedule, but I know I also have to do my part if I want to get back into the employee game. The wait was taking forever. I arrived early for my appointment and was the 9th person to receive the ticket but this building doesn't believe in chronological order. So orders were called 1 ,3 14, 8, 28, 17, 4 ....etc. Since these bastards were doing this to make me wait on purpose I decided to hit the books and try to catch up on my school work. I considered picking up my books for juvenile delinquent class but quickly tossed it aside. I got an A on the midterm...im pretty sure im ok in that class...so lets try the patrol functions.........oh wait they finally call my number

I hand in my paperwork as they process it in. This was to determine if I was eligible for cash assistance. In truth, I didn't really care if they give me cash assistance, I just need the foodstamps. Cash assistance will require me to attend these work jobs for 35 hours a week which is unpaid and will get in my way of finding an actual job. Students are normally allowed to subtract the 35 hour difference from their school hours but some genius up in legislation declared that only two year students receive this benefit. I don't think they wondered about the four year students, nor the two year students who eventually transfer into a four year university. Unfortunately, I couldn't just avoid the appointment. Missing the appointment would get my case close and no case = no foodstamps which makes my life difficult to save the little money i have remaining.

After 30 minutes my appointment was finished except for one minor detail. I had to agree to a home visit by the EVR Investigator . I remember dealing with them a year ago. It was a brief visit but very interesting none the less. Last year they came for my mom. This year, they will be coming for me. In approximately two weeks from today it seems.For some reason I grabbed my duffel bag with my left arm.,..........oh god, what was I thinking.. The throbbing pain served as an "womp womp" moment, and I seemed to have more where that came from

Finally getting home, I managed to catch UPS before leaving. I received my package, and also went to get my own mail from the mailbox. I left the package on the table knowing what it was. The yellow envelope intrigued me though. I ripped it apart just to get a letter from the US passport services. They basically stated that even with all the information I supplied for my passport it wasn't enough, so I have to send in a bunch of new information to prove I actually exist. I said this before, but I really wondered just exactly how the terrorist managed to apply for their passports because they are obviously doing it right if not having to deal with this BS. I'll focus on that later. I focused on the package and ripped it open to uncover another private investigating book. I already have one but another version wouldn't hurt right? Going through it, I wondered why I just didn't try to break into a career in investigations now. I know I need to be 25 to apply for my license , but there are some positions that don't require a license. As a matter of fact, I briefly remember one of my friends from karate mentioning his job as a private investigator. He's not 25.......... from my knowledge so he doesn't have a license. I'll have to bring this up with him when I have a chance........Hmmmm maybe this house visit won't be so bad after all. Hopefully the same investigator will come from last year. Whether she comes or someone else, I know one thing. They have some questions for me....and I will have some questions for them.

The rebellious devil's advocate

2011-02-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

Yes, I can be a kindhearted soul. Yes I am a firm believer of the free hugs campaign and even have a free hugs shirt to match, and yes I can come off extremely friendly................but there is a reason I tend to be isolated from people and i'm not really innocent. Actually I can be a real asshole at times with an addition of irritating, cruel, condescending, and even confusing at times. I'll show you certain aspects of my personality that doesn't make it easier to join the kids in the sandbox

The grudge- I'm someone who never forgets and barely forgive, and my choices are generally set in stone. Once betrayal presents themselves, that person is trapped in that box of my mind. I don't believe in "sorry" because I assume most rational people are aware of the possible consequences of their actions, and if they still choose an option that can be harmful to me then there's no reason to give them the chance to do so again.Most times second chances are a way of granting someone permission to take advantage. an example of what i mean

"friend- (randomly)"hey wassup"
me- "We haven't spoken for months, and im sure during that time, you and i were not interested in what happened to the other person so let's not pretend that everything is water under the bridge now"

The foreshadower- Many people like to live in the "moment" or the present. I'm not someone who does that. I think long term based on what may or may not be the case at all. So when i take action or make a decision, im not thinking of the present situation as much as im thinking of the bigger picture. Yes, this solution seems to be ok now, but what is this gonna lead into in the future? Some people are convinced there is no way to really predict the future. I think they're mistaken. There is a way, it just takes a little logic, and imagination. I make predictions and most of the time I turn out right, or very close to it. One day I will test it out on lotto. An example will show what i mean

friend- "I think we gonna make good friends"
Me-(thinking) you're only saying this now because right now you're full of positive thoughts about me and it's in your interest to do so........Will you still be as friendly once we have a disagreement or falling out later down the road?

The colorblind- When im caught up with a situation or dealing with people I simplify the motives and the situations. No time for emotional biases, I like to see the situation for what is being presented. Everything is analytical to me and basically what it is. A dog is a dog and a cat is a cat. In a dispute, im often not open for interpretations, justifications, or rationalizations, the situation is seen exactly for what it is

friend- " Believe me it's not like that, I ju-
Me- " You lied.... You lied to me, and I found out myself. That's what happened"

The god of winter- My eyes like the snow can probably be seen as something mesmerizing to look at, or maybe it's the way I gaze at people when I reach this state of mind. Normally only happens when i am in an extremely stressful situation. I am calm, too calm. Fear, anger, sorrow, happiness, does not apply. I speak in monotone and my tone never changes. My body doesn't respond to perceived threats, but I do come off as a potential threat sometimes

friend- "yo wassup"
me-(spaced out)...........
friend" hey .....Thomas. are you ok man?
me-(gazes) ............yes?
friend- N-Nevermind man, i'll see you around later
(I apologized to this person when i was in a different state of mind)

The lawyer- "innocent until proven guilty'? nah, im more of a "guilty until proven innocent" When it comes to people, especially new acquaintances, I observe them intently in ways they may not know at all. There's is no such thing as blind faith when it comes to me. I consistently play the devils advocate to prove a point or satisfy my own desires. I am not very trusting, and I am quick to call out any contradictions or inconsistencies, because the rule of the game is to stay a step ahead. My job is to be prepared and anyone showing signs of deviance, inconsistencies, unsureness will be open for review and I will cut through the clutter to reach the core truth. Big difference between the "truth" and the "implied truth"

Teen- "Hey can you tell me where my friend is at. Like ya'll caught him stealing and he don't have a phone and someone said he was downstairs but we want to know where he is so we can tell him"
Me- " I'm sorry but I can't tell you"
Teen- " The other security guard said it's ok"
Me- " I know we let family members, oh yeah i forgot to ask, are you his brother?"
Teen- " Yeah that's my brother, and-
Me" You just told me he was your friend.
Teen- No that's not wha-
Me- You're not telling me the truth. I wont help you"

The rebellious devil's advocate- Probably a main reason why i'm into private investigating. I never take anything at face value. Everything has to be testable and retested again and again before I accept it as the truth. I love to test people's morals and beliefs in debates to see just how strongly they feel about their beliefs. I like to see if I can persuade them to drop their ideals or contradict theirs. I normally clash with people of authorities (family, teachers, enforcement, elder, etc) because I often sense a dismissive persona from them and I love bringing them down a notch so i'll face them headstrong. I'm not afraid of confrontation and I don't avoid or back down from a discussion no matter how touchy the subject is. What is it like to interact with the rebellious devil's advocate? well do you really need to know?

Where I belong

2011-02-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

As i watch this 24 yr old 10 year practitioner perform his kata, I knew he was gonna be a problem during the fighting part of the tournament. Knowing that I grew more and more excited of being here, but im going to fast lemme start from the beginning...............

I woke up around 7 AM to a voicemail by one of my friends John. He told me he was already at John Jay(because he left his Gi there) and was making sure we was still gonna link up to head to the bronx. Well thank god I took a shower the night before, cuz I would have to rush over there. The night before was my last day of work and I had a blast, and was kinda sad I had to leave to suddenly but I knew I was making the smart choice so i'll be there again in May if i don't find something better along the way. I only had 4 hours of sleep but I could manage. Besides today was a huge day. Day of the Leon Wallace Major Tournament

So much for me getting a real head start. I didn't reach John Jay to meet him until 8:40 and we were expected to be deep in the Bronx by 10 AM. Baychester Ave turned out to be deeper in the Bronx than I would've liked and it seemed our trip was taking forever, from the long walk through 42nd street times square searching for the shuttle to connect to Grand Central, to the long walk up hills after arriving at Baychester. We immediately saw people with Martial arts jackets and duffel bags so we knew we were in the right area. The wind was suddenly ferocious though. We was practically blocking our faces throughout the the walk and it seemed to gain gain more power the closer we got to the school, I was starting to think someone cast a spell to test us or something with my wild imagination.. We eventually reach the school and then I saw how crowded the place was. Commotion everywhere. People practicing their forms, Coaches giving their students last minute tips, children waiting anxiously for their turn. I realized that even though we were a few minutes behind 10, the tournament was far from starting, and after looking at the division line up(age and rank), I wasn't gonna perform until the afternoon, so we basically rushed for nothing. I met up with my team members and we was anxiously waiting for our time to shine, while making last minute strategies etc etc.

Some came with friends and family. I had one friend that shown up surprisingly to the tournament who im very thankful for the support, but I also knew I was with my dojo members and it was a comforting feeling. I also got to see some familiar faces of senior black belts who used to study at John Jay, so it was nice to be within the community. The gym was somewhat big but not huge since it was only a junior high school and as i watched the divisions i realized that aside from the usual kata and fighting division, they were also hosting weapons and self defense divisions as well. I spent time watching the kids and teens do their thing and also practice what i had to do.

After the 15 to 17 year olds went to their rings I was finally able to scope out my competition in the 18-34 division. About 13 other people..............wow i have to compete against 13 other people, now that was exciting, two in particular i felt would be a problem. The first one I introduced myself to was 24 year old Black, been in martial arts for about 10 years, black belt in other styles, seemed very knowledgeable and used to these tournaments. This was only my 2nd, so I know I had a lot to deal with. It didn't help that my division had a few people from the same Dojo with them. Here I was by myself but that thrilled me even more. All of my group members already did their events. Our goal was to get at least 4 trophies to bring back. One of the girls won first place in kata and fighting as she stated " I'm gonna tear her ass apart" and that she did lol. John won first place kata, and I think the brown belts won first place kata and fighting. I'm not sure who though, so we already did more than enough.

First division was the katas, something i'm not too crazy about, but it was very interesting to see how people expressed themselves. The 24year old was very aggressive and fast in his kata's. Certain people had very quick kata's. Mines was based on slow, yet powerful breathing kata's Not sure that went too well with the judges though cuz my score was more towards the middle of the pack, Same girl stated they were hating on me and we should steal the trophies and hope sensei doesn't find out, but I rather not have to face off 100's of martial artist , it's not worth it so I just waited for the fighting. Meanwhile, a vet who lost his right leg, and had his left arm in a slang, performed a kata and it was so beautiful we gave him a standing ovation and he definitely deserved 1st place for his black belt division and I was happy he got it.

But now I had to focus on my fighting division. With the 14 of us all fighting, I knew they were gonna compare us by height. I realized that my first match was gonna be a tough one when I saw myself paired up with the 11 year old veteran. 18 year old Latino dude. He got 3rd place in the kata division and I realized he had very good kicks although he seemed a little slow in his movements. I was trying to size him up when one of my dojo members told me they were all leaving together, so besides John , everyone else left. That was cool though cuz I was way too pumped and was ready to fight. I watched the first 5 fights, the fifth one being the 24yr old, his speed definitely worked to his advantage and he advanced to the next round, though I feel some times the other guy scored on him but i guess the judges didn't see it, which can be a problem with point sparring especially what one of my training partners mentioned during training

"You got to score first, and make sure the judges see it, because you can be better but they can still win by not doing anything so be careful of that"

While i was processing that I was already up to fight, and facing my opponent. We bowed and then our fight began (click the link to check it on youtube)

His first point was very quick and then i realized he did have some speed and also some reach as well. I would not be bullied though , and i saw I could punch him, because my kicks weren't high enough for fear I would blast him in the face and would get DQ'd for it. Unfortunately some of my hits weren't getting called and the others were seen as warnings so I spent some time blocking him and parrying hoping for an opening and then I got one and scored... We fought some more and then we were stopped by a sudden announcement for a raffle ticket or firedrill, i cant remember but I went to speak to John to ask if some of my hits were connecting cuz I was confused. I also used the interval to see what his weakness was and it seemed he had trouble defending a barrage of attacks, so now i had a strategy and it was time for part two of the fight

we bowed and fought some more (click link to see the conclusion)

I have to admit I was very surprised that my last kick was not called, I had it set up and everything because I knew the punch was coming and though it was a risk, I connected first in my opinion. I would later find out that he was a point sparring champion and though I lost because of that last point where my kick wasn't called, I'm glad that i did give him a tough fight and I know it's not really personal. It just takes a little bit of luck when it comes to Judge decisions so I should probably pursue full contact tournaments but no matter what I had fun fighting. I waited to watch the other matchups. The 24 yr old lost his second match and the guy I fought lost in the finals against a smaller and much faster guy. I don't think anyone seen that coming but it was definitely interesting. I hope to see some of them in the next tournament. On my way out I seen some flyers for more upcoming tournaments and i grabbed a few and plan to find out more about them.

I was a little sore on my way home and haven't eaten for a few hours but I didn't care and it didn't seem to bother me. I was extremely fired up still and wish I could do this all the time. The martial arts world is very important to me and I plan to dive deeper and deeper as I finally feel a sense of belonging. My training, the performances, fights, and fellow fighters i meet along the way gives me more inspiration and makes for a wonderful experience and connections all around. This is where I belong

So Soon.

2011-02-13T06:11:00.000-08:00

I was a top notched fighter killing people right and left with my ki blast, awesome acrobatic martial arts abilities, and my 9 section chain whip that created flames. pretty sweet. I have finally found the target i was sent on a mission to destroy, preparing to atta- ugh

Prof- "Welcome back, so what do you think of the criminal justice goal of rehabilitation, are there some cases where it wont work?"

Me-(yawn) "It wont work on sex offenders. The community plays a huge part. The offender is not only forever labeled as a criminal but also a sex offender that everyone in their neighborhood would be notified no matter where they move or work. That stigma is more likely to isolate them instead of helping"

Surprised at my response, she thanked me and continued her lecture while i thanked the person who elbowed me to wake up. That was a close one. I won't be able to respond that quickly all the time but at least I didn't look like a dunce. Second class i've fallen asleep in. It doesn't help that I sit in the front either. Although she doesn't know i've been recording the lectures so i plan to replay everything to see if she made fun of me, or anyone else that i missed out on during my snore fest...........yeah i was actually snoring.

I made my day through my remaining 3 classes and finished around 5 PM. Due to my current circumstances, I had to prepare some countermeasures. Circumstances meaning I was going to quit the job I worked hard to get, and the job I actually enjoy. It's been two weeks since school started and as i'm typing this, I feel guilty to know i'm already behind on most of my classes.

"Yeah man, hurry up and turn it in. They're hiring like crazy cuz the seniors are leaving"

I decided to submit an application for John Jay security guard. I'm not looking for employment right away because I do plan to rest a little bit and explore some other aspects of my life I missed out on.

I was excited around 6 because I would finally be back in the dojo. Training is very important to me. So important that i'd rather have my work hours reduced to make time for studying compared to missing training to catch up. I realized my fighting style has improved over the break. My defense has improved more, and I am able to break through some defenses to get my attacks in. I didn't really practice, but I was very happy to be complimented on my improvement. I can tell last year I had lost that edge of awareness and became acquainted with my enemy known as "carelessness" I plan to forcefully eliminate carelessness, or at least reduce it. It was more of a mental issue. I'm no longer worried about fighting my strongest sparring partner(known to hurt everyone he spar with). Before I was only trying to defend but now I go on the offensive more against him. After training, we all received invitations to an upcoming tournament on the 19th. I'm not sure if I can go because I have a science quiz that day. My fault for picking a saturday class.

I had only 4 hours of sleep Thursday night and had to wake up for a 11 hour shift for Friday. Everyday I come to work, I realize the calculated risk im taking by leaving. My investigation of this job showed me that a lot of people actually hate working there, and they tax too much(they really do) I actually enjoy the thrill of the job, but I have to set my priorities and school is one of them. If they follow through I should be coming back in May when the semester is over. They can always change their mind but no matter what my instincts reassure me im making the smart choice. I might just take a small part time position to keep my savings in check so it don't interfere with my trip to Japan...Yes I still plan to go to Japan. I managed to find a way to reduce my cost by a lot. I just need to keep my savings high, and I should be fine for the most part.

My coworkers have mixed feelings about my decision. Most agree that I have to pick school over work. Some agree that the Managers will come through with their word to let me come back in May like the other workers who take off during the school semester. Others worry that they might not let me back because I'm new. For my last week there, I plan to prove(if i haven't already) that they would benefit from keeping me around. In the meantime my creativity has been refreshed thanks to watching some indie film. Bradley Nidea's " IhaveaNIDEA"(get it) productions was very refreshing as well as the indie " New York Lately I seen so I have a few goals to accomplish while im taking my break

1. Develop my photography and musical skills and see where that takes me.
2. Get deeper into karate training
3. Train my body to be a parkour practitioner
4. (this one is a secret. I may reveal later)

This is happening too fast

Shifting gears part two

2011-01-31T07:16:00.000-08:00

Jia- "I've had a bad week so far. I should treat myself out today"
Me- " Yeah. what happened?"

I met Jia recently because we made plans to eat at TGI Fridays in 08 and never did. Ironically it was across the street from our old job at BNY Mellon. I wasn't too crazy about hanging around the district I worked in during my day off, but he did go through the trouble of helping me apply for my passport. Apparently, my learner's permit does not qualify in proving my identity so I needed a witness. Known him for 6 years and I knew he would actually help me. The line was really long and having an eccentric elderly woman randomly tell me to "make sure i don't end up in prison" and then proceed to enlighten everyone about her tales within the system surprisingly made the wait a bit longer than i would like. After successfully applying for my passport, Jia and I made a trip towards the financial district. I'm not sure what he thought about it, but this TGI seemed a little seedy to me. Maybe it was that long dark hall we had to walk through which made me think the building was abandoned.........unless the guy around the corner wanted to whack us. Overall the food was good, and we managed to raise the bill up to $60+. Our situations have changed slightly. Not too long ago, my financial problems were insane and he would always manage to bail me out when he could. Ironically, he is the one with financial issues, though it seems he doesn't want my help. I did at least pay for some of his food..some meaning $7 bucks.

It's crazy how we're getting close to our senior year of college and still don't sound ready to comprehend the life ahead for us. I could remember the conversation I had with Ken concerning the future and the issues of the present circumstances. Perhaps that's why I walked through Marboro projects randomly on a thursday night when I could be home nice and warm. This area was going through some interesting renovations. I almost didnt recognize this area. I heard the little kids were growing up into bigger nuisances than they already were when I first knew them. My situation has changed here as well. I can remember the former days when I was walked on. The times these two brothers tried to jump me. The time someone's older brother gave me a black eye during a party and his younger brother would enjoy his own pummeling session on me while we were in school. Feeling inferior walking through certain areas as my heart raced when one of my bullies gazed in my direction.....

"You gonna get fucked up pussy"
"Nigga fuck out of here befo you get your assed whupped!"

Now I don't register anything but their faces when I walk past them. My mind too focused on what I have to do and where I need to be. Speaking of which I needed to form a plan at that point. A few days ago during work I came across a memo from our manager concerning the schedule. The memo stated he will no longer help people who have school. Well this is a problem for me. im not sure......couldnt think for a moment. All these thoughts continuing to circle through my mind, and they're all conflicting with one another once again. Must be something in the air because it's been happening a lot......

"If you can't make it in the morning don't fucking come back"
"Working yourself to death is not good man. You're too young"
" I miss seeing Thomas smile. You might be smiling right now but I imagine you frowning in my mind right now"

Ugh.......the cold must be getting to me. I've been waiting outside for my childhood friend to come home for 2 hours now and all these thoughts kept appearing over and over. Alright enough, it's time to confront these issues now. What is it that's really bothering me..........The thought of leaving my job, and will i be able to bounce back if I choose that option. Also the conflicting competitive rush I get from the job cuz i love catching shoplifters, but should I allow that to stress me out and miss out on enjoying things i like to do on my spare time? It's time for me to find out.

I accepted long ago, that I am the type of person that never forgets and barely forgives but i'm also rational enough to put it all aside to focus on a situation I feel is more crucial.I fixed my gaze on the train station across the street and allowed my mind to focus. to effectively deal with this new problem i needed to confront myself and clear my mind temporarily. I remained motionless and began to focus on everything. Digging into every insult, praise, hurt, lie, doubt, confrontations, some visible, and some hidden. Now that they're all together, it's time to knock them out of existence until there's nothing left. Not with force, but with gentle ease. I didn't ponder on these thoughts. I saw these memories for what they are, memories. Whether or not I learned anything from them I needed them out of my way so I can make a strong decision firmly without feeling regret. Don't know how long I remained in this state, but I know it was long enough that I almost missed my phone call. She was nearby......

We only spoke for a good 40 minutes, but it was worth the wait. My childhood friend was a mother, who currently works and attended school. I was proud to hear that she would finally get her diploma, and she was strongly thinking about the future of her baby boy who was currently watching some cartoon I never heard of. Just like my friend Evelyn I reassured her that just because I have an idea of where I want to be in the future doesn't mean that i'm a step ahead. Rather, I am in the same position as they are.

Seems we are all looking for something in our lives. The problem with school is everything is already predestined for us throughout the first 12 or 13 years of our education. When you get towards the end of high school is the time where you have that free reign to do what you choose. Without that freedom in the very beginning, we are only running in circles, looking for someone else to guide us instead of guiding ourselves. You'll always hear things like "time heals" or "everything gets better over time". Whoever tells you that is only telling you half the truth...maybe even a lie. In reality, it takes some sort of action to begin to make things better. It's not enough to just submit to the environment and hope for a good outcome. Take control and be the change you want to see. Make it happen.. Let the games begin

Character Profile "The other loner"

2011-01-26T15:47:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth Yanes
Age-20
Height- 5'4
Introduction- John Dewey High School 2005
Memorable Quote - "Holy shit. I forgot I was a girl"
Website- http://effy-underground.blogspot.com/

I never knew Elizabeth but i knew of Elizabeth through a few mutual friends of ours. I knew she liked anime because of the few times I seen her in the anime club after school. Other than that we barely spoke during most of our high school days. I remember when she was in my Math B class and a few students would make weird comments about her cuz the way she awkwardly bust into the classroom whenever she came in late. I also remember when she was in track class. Some of the students made nasty comments because she wasn't the fastest runner and I guess she didn't have a sports bra because her breast would flop while she ran which was always hilarious to see. I always seen her asking questions and going to the RC(resource center) during her free time so I just seen her as a cool nerd that likes anime. We talked briefly during our mutual friends sweet 18th bday party. Ironically all the people (myself included) seemed to be the weirdo's of john dewey high school. Even then it seemed that she was an outcast of the group as I witnessed them say mean things about her as well, I never understood what the beef was. She was always a nice person when I chat with her. Although it was funny that she showed up to the sweet 18th party on the wrong day prior to that day hehe

I would not run into Elizabeth again until freshman year of John Jay College. Speaking to her I realized some new things about her. She was not really sure why she was in John Jay college to begin with. We both expressed desires to go to China. She spent time in club row, dating, and was failing classes. I also learned that she kept in slight contact with our mutual friend who somehow vanished from my life since senior year.

I learned that her and I were similar in Dewey. We both felt out of place within the school though I found it surprising that she was under the impression that I was "cool" within the school. I don't think that was ever the case. Elizabeth is a very strong individual. While she feels she lacks intelligence academically, I learned that her intelligence is more street based. Very witty, and her perspectives on life and people are very intriguing. Some people probably won't know how to respond for the things she say but I feel i can. She knows people, and she knows herself. Somewhat of a movie fanatic. She loves watching movies and reading books. She also likes to walk, even far enough to the point where she can go half a day traveling on foot alone(talk about a pokemon journey)

I learned that like all people she's been greatly affected by certain events in her life. In that sense, I see some insecurities stemming from her that she's struggling with. What i like about her, is her ability to realize what they are and point them out, although it is usually in a insouciant manner. It seems her struggles are more towards taking action with what she already realizes.I feel that if she can tackle these issues, she will be able to climb further than she ever imagined. Until that day comes, make some room on the bus stranger. you have company

Common Dialogue

Elizabeth-" I got a present which i was very afraid of opening and totally wanted to open. "
Me- "Que"
Elizabeth-Haven't received a present since my Aunt was forced to by my father when I was 8 i think"
Me" Which should be very awesome right?"
Elizabeth- " It looked like a fucking bomb--the packaging I mean. its no wonder my fake godmother who really should be my legal godmother insured it. maybe thought cops were going to raid it
Me- ..............do tell more =D