In the area of healing our deep and subconscious wounds, such as “I am not good enough” or “It is hopeless”, it is almost impossible to do so in isolation. One of the best ways in which we heal is to open up and show our vulnerability, admit our hurt and process the grief and emotions that come with that. The grief and emotions need to be received and understood by another person for healing to take place. These all need to take place in a safe and non-judgemental space.

Very often, people are afraid to show their vulnerabilities because they do not feel it is safe to do so. It is scary and painful because we fear rejection and the invalidation of our feelings as well as the fear that no one understands what we are going through. Well-meaning friends who tell us “not to think so much” or “get over it and move forward” do not help the situation.

In situations such as trauma and depression, expressing what one is going through and support from others are even more critical. Isolation hurts oneself and exacerbates any depression tendency and the effects of trauma. It has to be said that isolation is different from taking time out to be alone for reflection. Eventually, all the insights and ability gained from any solo reflection have to come out and be expressed and received by others.

People who attempt to heal on their own without contact with others will find the going very tough. We humans are social creatures and it is through socialising that we grow, even if we do need to be alone from time to time. Those who isolate themselves risk sinking into further depression or other similar conditions.

So if you are depressed, or face deep wounds you are healing from, reach out and seek help, either through your social network or from professionals. It may take some time for you to find the help that is appropriate to your needs but reaching out will start you on that journey.

For those who know people who are depressed or healing from deep wounds, you can provide them with a safe space to do their healing. Even if you do not have professional training, just being there for the person can be the very lifeline they are seeking. I will provide some tips below on how to do this safely, for yourself and the other person.

Tips to remember when seeking to help others heal

*Offer a listening ear and your heart (not your solutions)

Most of the time, people need a listening ear and your open heart more than your solutions to their issues. Just being there is more than enough. Offering solutions is not ideal as you are usually not fully aware of the entire situation that the person is going through.

*Listen to understand (not to respond)

You are there to be in service to the person. Your presence and understanding are what will help them heal. Do your best to understand what the person is attempting to communicate. Refrain from speaking except to acknowledge that you understood. Even well-meaning words such as “don’t worry so much” may be counter-productive.

*Suspend your judgement

Often you will see the “perfect solution” to the issue that the person is going through. Refrain from offering it to the person. Understand that it is only coming from your perspective and experience. Do not assume that you know what is best for the person you are helping.

*Set a time limit

This is more important for your self-care as a helper. The time limit will ensure that you are not totally drained of your energy by the end of helping the person. It also gives the person you are helping an idea of how much help they can expect from you.

*Sit with the emotions

Allow yourself to be affected by the emotions coming up. It helps the other person to feel safe that you are affected. However, do not get caught up in the other person’s emotions. If you are not ready to or unable to set aside the emotions after helping the person, it would be best you do not offer this kind of help.

*Seek professional help

There will be times when the people you are helping need professional help to get them through their challenges. Refer them to professionals if you know of any or encourage them to seek professional help on their own.

While I have been talking about depression and deep wounds in this article, the above tips are also useable to help people in transition, such as those who just lost a job. It can also help people who are faced with life-altering changes, such as a disease diagnosis.

One big benefit of helping others heal is that it also helps us heal. The feel-good factor, as well as the connection, can help us and others realise that we are not alone in our struggles and that others do care.

Our minds, where our beliefs reside, are made up of infinite pairs of opposites. Many of us are identified with our minds so much that it can hinder us from having a fulfilling and empowered life.

The nature of conflict is such that any fixed attitude in the mind will cause one to deem anything that contradicts that attitude as the enemy. This is why we see so much strife and disagreements over political, religious, racial and gender divides. The last word sums this all up – such opposites divide us.

All opposites come from our minds and our egos. It is what keeps us separate from others and creates the illusion of otherness between our fellow human beings and us. When we transcend those opposites, we naturally become closer to others, thus creating the much desired intimacy and connectedness we all crave for.

The only thing that has no opposite is love. Some would say that the opposite of love is hate. However, a better opposite for hate is acceptance. If we can accept what others are and what they have done (in other words, forgive them), then hate disappears and we can finally let go of it.

Allow me to attempt to define love the way I see it. Love is the container in which all the opposites exist. It is beyond our minds and our ego-driven attitudes about good and bad. Using another analogy that my good friend and brother Stephen Garrett likes; he speaks about, love as the movie screen onto which we project all our opposites so we can work with them.

It is love that allows us to forgive someone who has hurt us. Love is doing something for someone you care about even if they are acting unlovable. Using our example of the hate-acceptance opposite above, it is only through love that we can accept another with an opposite or polarising view to ours.

So what is love? It is openness; it is the giving of who you are, from who you are; it is the true essence of who we are as individuals that is deeply connected to one another, even if we do not see or accept that connection.

Love is not just a feeling or action. It is a choice and a spiritual truth that exists independently, always available to those who seek it. It requires us to set aside our pre-conceived ideas and attachments to what we hold as true and seek deeper connections with others.

The verse from Rumi’s poem “A Great Wagon” comes to mind: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.”

The field Rumi spoke of is about love and that fullness of feeling he described is the feeling of love. In a world full of opposites, love has no opposite. When we get beyond all our biases, our fixed ideas and our strongly guarded beliefs, we will discover that love is all there is.

Some people go to the great lengths to “speak their truth” but do so without consideration for how their honesty will affect others. They may pride themselves for their honesty and their usual defence when questioned on their intentions is “I was just stating the facts and they speak for themselves”.

Let us take an example of a guidance counsellor in a school. How the counsellor lays out the truth to a failing student can have a tremendous impact on the well-being and subsequent choices of the student. Without compassion, the counsellor may start off the meeting with a student with a brutal assessment of the facts such as “you are second from last in the school and if these grades continue, you will be a school dropout in no time”. Such statements may be true but they are injurious to the student and will likely only reinforce whatever negative thoughts the student already has of himself/herself.

Truth as a weapon

Some may use the truth as a weapon to hurt others. It usually involves projection on the part of the Truth Speaker. This happens very often in intimate relationships. Words such as “you are just like your father/mother” or “I sometimes wonder why I married you” are designed to hurt even if it is speaking the truth.

While this may seem to be over-simplifying what are usually complicated circumstances, I believe that there is always room for kindness and compassion when speaking one’s truth. There are a few ways to do so, which I will lay out later in this article.

Opinions disguised as truth.

There are many people who confuse opinions on things with the truth. They do not realise that what they see as truth is just their perception of a situation. Such people tend to just blurt out what they are thinking or say things such as “that is a stupid idea”.

In the last example, the ‘truth’ comes from what the person assesses as a ‘stupid’ or ‘good’ idea. It is usually based on biases, pre-conceived notions and past experiences. It also ignores the possibility that the ‘stupid’ idea may actually be consciously chosen for various reasons or that the other person may also be right.

Mistaking opinions for truth can also extend to spiritual and religious practices. History is riddled with horrific examples of truths about religious and ethnic beliefs being forced upon others. Moreover, practices and beliefs tend to change with time, culture and circumstances.

All of us have inner ethical standards and they do change. What we have to understand, and accept, is that our ethical standards of behaviour are about us and not others. Forcing our inner standards, practices or beliefs onto others is abusive.

Why compassion is important

By definition, compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. It is what drives people to help others in need, sometimes above their own self-interest.

When we have compassion, we can recognise that others are usually doing the best they can with what they know or have in that moment. With compassion, we can also learn to see that us being right does not necessarily make others wrong. It is also compassion that helps us maintain our connection with others, even when we are telling them hard-hitting truths that may be hard for them to swallow at that time.

Having compassion, while staying honest about the truth, also means that we care about the effects of our actions on others. This is an important step in any personal or spiritual growth endeavour. Similarly, many spiritual awakenings often results in feelings of being closer to other people which consequently leads to feeling more compassionate towards other people. Among the many sectors that can benefit from training in compassionate truth-telling are the medical profession, the human resource sector and the personal growth/helping industry.

So with all the discussion about speaking the truth with compassion, the question is how do we go about doing it? Below are a few suggestions on how we can practice more compassion with better truth-telling.

1. Check our own intentions. Are we saying things to get back at someone? Do we feel a need to prove something by being right about a situation or matter? If any of these are present, it will be best to re-examine the wisdom of saying what is on our minds then.

2. Be wary of when and where we address the truth. Be wary about when we and the conditions under which we choose to speak the truth to another person. For example, delivering an assessment about someone’s work is usually more compassionate when done in private. Doing so in public, where the embarrassment factor is higher, is usually less acceptable as people generally do not like being put on the spot and pointed out that openly.

3. Make it about “me/I” not “you”. Speak about ourselves and what we are feeling and do not have expectations that the other person will agree. For example, say “I feel that doing that will not be helpful or empowering for you” instead of “You are making a huge mistake”.

4. Ask permission. Make sure you get the other person’s agreement before you share your truth with them. They may not be ready to receive it yet or choose not to. Respect their choices either way.

5. Accept that truth is relative. The truth as we see or experience it is most likely only one aspect of the whole truth. We all have our biases, opinions and experiences that colours the truth for us.

6. Embrace and heal our own wounds. Oftentimes, the wounds that we carry in our hearts and the deepest recesses of our psyche subconsciously triggers us to lash out at others. When that happens, truth telling becomes more about making ourselves feel better than helping others lead better lives.

7. Take responsibility. With great power comes great responsibility. As our words have the power to inflict pain and suffering, we have to be responsible for the effects that our choice of words have on others, when we say them and how we say them.

8. Be compassionate to ourselves. Finally, we also need to remember to be compassionate towards ourselves as much as we are compassionate towards others. We need to give ourselves the space to grow and learn from our mistakes and compassion allows us to do so gracefully.

After my surgery and discharge from hospital, I did more research into heart attacks and heart conditions. What I found out was that as many as 45 percent of heart attacks are “silent”, without any clear warnings, with the sufferers none the wiser. For many, these heart attacks were so “silent” that the attacks went undetected for weeks, sometimes even months, which could have serious health consequences that may have resulted ultimately in death.

On hindsight, if my heart attack had taken place at any other time, such as when I first woke up in the morning, I might have not noticed it or put it down to just being tired or not getting a good night’s sleep. Then I might have just gone about my day and the worst imaginable situation might have happened.

I am grateful to be alive and thank the higher powers that watched over me such that I received medical attention almost immediately. A special thanks and gratitude goes out to my daughter, Janelle, who was with me and called the ambulance. The total duration from the time of the heart attack to my being wheeled into the ward after emergency surgery was three hours.

The great thing about life is that we are usually given warning signs before major events. This applies to almost all aspects of our lives: our work, our money, our relationships and our health. Often major health events such as heart attacks have precursory conditions such as elevated cholesterol or blood sugar levels; financial events such as bankruptcy have warning signs such as debts spiralling out of control or ill-managed finances; relationship events such as divorce are usually preceded by the breaking down of communication or the couple growing apart emotionally.

Warning Signs Are Easy To Ignore

The thing about warning signs is that they are easy to ignore. One of the main reasons we ignore them is that they do not seem urgent at that time. In the health example above, it is easy to ignore or belittle high blood sugar or cholesterol levels because they usually do not pose an immediate health threat. The same can be said for tracking the health of our finances and relationships, where it is easy to slip into avoidance or neglect.

Being able to recognise the warning signs that will invariably turn up before such major life events is a skill that we can and must develop. To do that, we have to really pay close attention to all aspects of our lives. This means regularly taking time to slow down and take stock of where we are. Too often, we are so caught up in life or fighting life’s challenges that we ignore the warning signs of impending danger.

Regular Check-ups

Regular physical health check-ups should be a routine part of our lives, especially as we get older. This seems like a no-brainer but many are in denial or just do not make time to get it done or justify that it is simply not that important or urgent at that time.

We should also do regular health check-ups for our finances, our relationships and our mental/emotional states. All these areas make up the whole of our lives and ignoring even one aspect can have long-term and serious consequences on the other areas. These health checks-ups have to be deliberately scheduled into our calendars or they will be forgotten or ignored.

In my experience, warning signs from the universe tend to come in increasing level of intensity. So a tap on the arm may turn into a harder shake on the shoulder and even progress to a hard smack to the back of the head. The important thing here is that the progression in intensity is not always linear.

When we take regular time out to check on the health of every aspect of our lives, we can start to make different choices if we find ourselves moving in directions unfavourable to or disempowering for us. Warning signs are gifts to us; we ignore them at our own peril. We have been warned!

With heart and love

Lionel Koh

I had plans to travel on the day of my second angioplasty operation, but the heart attack put paid to those plans. So what does this episode have to do with the theme of this article, ‘surrender or giving up’? It actually has everything to do with it.

During my attack, I had only one overwhelming thought throughout: and it was to stay conscious and not pass out. As my daughter was with me, I did not want her to panic if I passed out and I also figured that if I could stay conscious, I would have some level of control over my breathing and my body, which will make it easier when the medical first-responders arrive.

In such a situation, it is easy to (sometimes inevitably so) lose consciousness. I was not sure how serious the heart attack was at that time, but I was blessed and somehow managed to slow my breathing and did whatever I could to remain awake.

During the attack, my thought naturally involved death and the question “will I die”? My own answer in that time was that I had no control over that. All I could do was to do my best to stay conscious and get through the episode. That is what it means to surrender: to do whatever you can, but let go of the outcome.

On the other hand, at no time did I ‘give up’ fighting to stay awake, and by extension, stay alive. I felt that as long as I could stay awake, my chances of survival would be greater and also reduce the impact of any damage from the attack.

Therein lies the difference between surrender and giving up. When we surrender, we do whatever we can to achieve our goal, but there is an acceptance that we are not in full control of the outcome. When we give up, we basically lose hope and stop any effort to reach the goal itself.

Surrender is acceptance

Allow me give you another example. I am currently on three different types of long-term medication (maybe more later on), two of which the doctors have said will be taken for life. Now, I am not one to like taking medication as I generally spurn synthetic medication for alternative (and natural) remedies. However, given my current situation, I have no better option than to take the prescribed medication for my long-term health.

As such, I am surrendered to (i.e. accepted) the fact that I will likely be on those life-long medication. That said, it does not mean that I have given up the possibility of one day bringing down the dosage to a minimal level through lifestyle or diet changes along with my doctors’ guidance.

There is also a common misconception, sometimes through many of today’s new-age spiritual teachings, that we should surrender everything without doing anything. In my experience, we do have to surrender to God, the Divine or whatever we prescribe or believe in as a higher power. However, what we are actually surrendering is the outcome of our actions; we do not surrender our efforts. Most spiritual scriptures, among them the Bhagavad Gita, the Bible, the Buddhist Scriptures and the Tao Te Ching, devote a big portion of their teachings to surrendering to God and/or to the way things are. However, none of them mentioned that our efforts are not needed.

In summary, surrender means to accept what is, which includes that our efforts may never be rewarded. However, this does not mean we give up our efforts to achieve our goals whatever the obstacles. Most of us have been trained to expect that our efforts will be rewarded. Unfortunately, our efforts does not always equal to rewards. Similarly, many of our plans do not always turn out exactly the way we envisioned them to.

Unrewarded efforts and frustrated plans are two of most recurrent situations that cause us to suffer. Through the practice of surrendering the outcome, while not giving up our efforts, we can have a more peaceful and graceful approach to living – one with less suffering with our unfulfilled desires and attachments.

With heart and love
Lionel Koh

Control is something that most of us would like to have over our lives. We tend to get irritated and reactive when things do not go our way or the way we expect them to.

Letting go of control is one of the biggest challenges we face as human beings. As humans we are fraught with desires, and when desires are frustrated, it tends to lead to emotional reactions such as anger, disappointment, sadness and sometimes shock.

In my experience, there are three things that we look to control in our lives: the outcomes of our efforts, the outcomes of our experiences and the outcomes of our interaction with others. To discuss them at length will go beyond the scope of this article but here is my attempt to explain each briefly.

*Outcomes of our efforts*

Most of us think that we should be rewarded if we put in the effort to achieve something. Most times we believe that the amount of effort is proportional to the reward. In reality, all we can do is to do our best.

For example, many plans around the world, most made many months in advance, were cancelled when the spread of the Novel Coronavirus (COVID-19) worldwide became critical at the end of January this year. The same thing happened during the SARS epidemic in 2003/2004. There are always going to be external factors or extenuating circumstances that will be beyond our control despite our best efforts. For me, the most recent incident was my heart attack after a basketball game on 18 February 2020 (will write more about that another time).

*Outcomes of our experiences*

Almost all of us want to experience only good things. As humans, it is normal to seek good experiences and avoid bad ones; to seek survival and success. Many of us go to great lengths to avoid bad experiences, and when they happen, we want to quickly get out of them to feel good again.

For example, when we go on a vacation, we look forward to good experiences such as good service, nice weather and smooth travel. When these desires are frustrated, we get reactive and prickly because the experiences we are seeking are not fulfilled.

What usually happens when we get too caught up in only seeking good experiences is that we deny or suppress the bad ones. Heavy and perceived negative feelings such as rage and grief are not expressed or experienced fully and they get hung up in our psyches and our physical bodies.

*Outcomes of our interaction with others*

Among the three outcomes we attempt to control in our lives, this is probably the one we struggle with the most. This is also closely linked to the desire for control of our experiences as mentioned above. In our interaction with people, we usually want them to agree with us and see our points of view. Disagreements tend to bring up our fears and feelings of rejection, disappointment and, sometimes, invalidation.

It is in our nature to want to be closer to others and relate better with them. When these attempts are met with resistance, we tend to use anger, guilt, invalidation and other forms of manipulation to control the outcomes of these attempts at relating.

In our attempts to control how others react towards us, we tend to overlook the fact that everyone has free will and any clash of wills has a tendency to lead to a breakdown in the relating between people.

*The way forward*

The first thing to recognise is that attempting to control the above-mentioned outcomes usually leads to disappointment and suffering. We suffer because we are attempting to control things that we have very little control over, especially people.

The only things we have real and absolute control over are our choices and responses to what life brings forth. Feeling disappointed when our desires are frustrated is part of being human. How we deal with these disappointments will determine how much suffering we cause others and ourselves.

Many spiritual traditions encourage the practice of letting go and surrendering. Some preach surrendering to God, while others expound the virtues of accepting “what is”. Even if some do not believe in God or a higher power, accepting what is currently happening and how people are showing up in our lives and will bring more grace and peace of mind.

So what is it that we need to accept and learn to gain this grace and peace of mind? To have these, there is a need to accept and learn three things:

• that there are things beyond our control despite all our best efforts to succeed; that all we can really do is our best and let go of the outcome,
• that ups and downs are part of life and learn to ride the waves of our emotions and experiences, and,
• that we can only change ourselves and not others; that we can only inspire others to change but we cannot do the actual changing for them.

One simple practice to learn to accept things as they are is to notice nature, for example, the rising and setting of the sun or the changing of the seasons. No matter how much we wish for the sun not to rise or the season to stay the same, both will inevitably happen and also in their own time. There is nothing we can do to change or control these things.

A world-renowned author and speaker once said: “If you want real control, drop the illusion of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You’re just telling yourself the story of how it doesn’t.”

So what are you attempting to control today?

With Heart and Love
Lionel Koh

#innerwork #mindclearing #lionelslearnings #betterlife

Such intentions are laudable and should be encouraged. However, what many do not fully understand or appreciate is that it is essential for both inner work and outer work to take place concurrently for there to be lasting and sustainable changes to happen. Inner work can take the form of attending self-improvement programmes, meditation, therapy, counselling and coaching. All these types of help focus on the inner world of the person, which is a good starting place when looking to make changes.

There is a saying from the ancient Chinese scholar Wang Yangming: “To know and not to act, is to not yet know.” In my experience, people who gather knowledge but do not apply them to their external circumstances tend to find their lives not changing as much as desired. As such, they have not yet known the power of the knowledge that they have acquired. Knowledge that is not applied to one’s life is practically useless to a person in improving his or her circumstances.

In the world of personal development, there are many who attend the same or similar seminars and workshops time and time again but with no visible improvement to their current problem or situation. Many expect or hope that the boost in adrenaline and feel-good factor will last and miraculously transform their lives. Unfortunately, the high experienced at the event will eventually fade and when the momentum from their lives inevitably re-exerts itself, things will revert to what it was before if no external changes are made.

The scenario described above can be taken as a form of “spiritual bypassing”, where people do a lot of inner work but avoid facing their situations in the real world. The major reason for this phenomenon is the unwillingness of people to proactively face their unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.

To integrate whatever gains that resulted from doing inner work, there has to be a distinct effort and support system in place to apply them to the outer world. This application to the outer world is ‘where the rubber meets the road’. For this to happen there has to be four P’s in place: Practice, Patience, Persistence and Purpose.

Practice
As mentioned above, for any changes to be made, the insights and learning from doing inner work need to be practiced in the outer world. For example, for a person who is in a financial literacy programme and also looking to get out of debt, a practical first step of getting clear on exactly the amount of debt the person is carrying is important. Another practical step could be tracking expenses and income. Practice over a long-term duration builds new and supportive habits, which are precisely what brings about the real and lasting changes desired.

Patience
As discussed in previous posts, there is momentum from one’s current life that needs to be addressed. Those looking to make changes needs to have patience with themselves. As the saying goes: “Rome was not built in a day”. It is the cumulative effect of making various changes consistently that brings the sustainable results. Those impatient to see changes quickly inevitably get jaded or disillusioned, which brings us to our next point.

Persistence
Making changes can be hard and gut wrenching. There will inevitably be unconscious resistance, obstacles and old habits to overcome. It can be difficult on the will and soul to keep facing up to these challenges. However, that is the only way forward.

For example, we cannot eradicate old habits; we can only replace them with new ones. Many experts have agreed that the longer an old habit has been in place, the longer it will take to replace them. As such, without persistence, the chances for success are virtually zero.

As the legendary Jim Rohn said, “Persistence is the number one reason for our success. You’ve got to persist through failure.”

Having a good support system, such as having a coach or support group, can also help in maintaining persistence. This aspect is usually lacking for those who attend seminars and workshops and the subsequent lack of integration of the learning is a major stumbling block in their desire for change.

Purpose
Finally, anyone who wants to make changes to their lives have to find a purpose for doing so. Without a clear purpose for making any sort of change, the likelihood of following through with the preceding three P’s is very small. The purpose (some call it ‘your Why’) will be the thing you hold on to when things get toughest amidst the changes.

There is no silver bullet that can result in instant changes. The process of sheer hard work in integrating the inner work we do with our outer world is one fraught with many inevitable challenges. It is only through the consistent application of the knowledge and learnings we have gained along the way that we will be able to move forward in the direction we desire for the long-term and which serves us in the highest.

With heart and love
Lionel Koh

However, in today’s fast-paced world of instant gratification, people looking to make their lives go better also expect the changes they are implementing to produce instant results. I have had people tell me that they feel slimmer after doing just two days of planking. While the motivation was commendable, the thinking was unrealistic.

Anytime we embark on making changes to our lives, we have to first deal with the reality of our current situation. Without first taking stock of where we are, we will not have the clarity to know where we need to go to make things better. This is especially important when we are in a major crisis.

When faced with a crisis, whether in business, relationships or health, most people want to get over the crisis quickly and return to their normal lives. However, most crises point to underlying issues that led to the challenging situations.

Often these issues involve people, unfinished communication, a need for an honest reality-check and confusion regarding the real cause or the core of the problem. These have to be addressed before any meaningful steps can be taken to move forward.

Furthermore, those looking to make major changes have to also accept and deal with the momentum of their current lives. Just like any vehicle looking to change direction, it is always wiser to slow down before making the changes or the consequence will most likely an overturned vehicle. Likewise, before making any major changes in our lives, it is essential to slow down and take stock of where we currently are to make moving forward less problematic and less of a struggle.

Many people who want to make changes in their lives also do not deal with counter-intentions appropriately. Counter-intentions are unseen or unconscious thoughts and attitudes that are obstacles to our stated intentions to change. Examples of counter-intention include attitudes such as “If I am successful, my friends will shun me and I don’t want to lose my friends” and “I want to my life to go better but I do not really want my comfortable life to be disturbed”. Such counter-intentions tend to be unconscious and have to be uncovered and dealt with or any progress made will tend to be stymied or undone down the road.

Once the above are done, what is needed next is a sustainable plan forward that is in line with reality. The key here is ‘reality’. For example, those hoping to clear a six-figure debt by winning the lottery are in the realm of being delusional. A plan such as debt restructuring or looking for ways to increase income is more realistic.

With such a plan in place, it is also important to look for progress and not perfection when it comes to its implementation. Efforts are often invalidated and the plan itself is abandoned due to impatience. Having objective and measurable milestones can help temper some of these tendencies.

In conclusion, for changes to be lasting and effective, the above trinity of a reality check, dealing with counter-intentions and implementing a sustainable plan that is in-line with reality need to be done. In my experience, no amount of motivational videos, seminars or affirmations can lead to sustainable and long-lasting changes if these are not fundamentally in place.

Most cultures and religions teach some doctrine or codes on the ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ of how to live life and treat others. Some countries have very heavy punishments for some offences that hardly warrant jail time in others. For example, in some countries, there are heavy fines or even jail time for littering. In contrast, there are other countries without such laws that are very clean by default, both in public and private places.

Generally speaking, rules and laws are substitutes for ethical living. When a person has an internal set of standards and live by those standards, there is usually no need for laws or rules to compel them to behave in a certain way.

To develop such ethical standard of living, we usually need to have (or at least develop) awareness and consciousness, both of others and ourselves. Our souls desire truth, love and justice, which is why many of us feel disgusted when we come across premeditated crimes against others, especially of bodily harm and those against children. By the same token, we are drawn to and desire connection with others.

People who have experienced the connectedness that we share as human beings will tend to look at others with a more conscious light and tend to treat others better. This is because it shifts us from being self-centric to people-centric once we realise that we are not the centre of the universe but one of the gazillion of stars that make up this world we are in.

So how do we develop such consciousness? One way is to attempt to open ourselves to others. This can take the form of sitting and meditating on the true nature of other people (i.e. who they really are beyond our ideas about them). Any reactivity that we feel is taken note of and can serve as a signpost for us to look deeper within ourselves to identify our triggers, biases and fixed attitudes about others.

Another way is genuinely attempting to look at things from others’ points of view. One of the essential ingredients of treating others better is to be able to take on another person’s point of view. It does not mean that we agree with their points of view but be able to honestly accept that others can and do have perspectives that differ from ours.

Developing an ethical standard and treating others better does not mean we ignore the setting of boundaries. Just like laws are there to protect people from those who have disregard for others, boundaries serve to protect us from those who do not or cannot seem to subscribe to ethical standards of behaviour.

Finally, ethical living is a journey of the heart. It requires us to open up our hearts to others instead of being stuck in our minds and fixed ideas. It is only through the opening of our hearts that we develop affinity with and ethics towards others. If you feel that you are struggling with ethical behaviours in any way, don’t be afraid to seek help. It is well worth realigning yourself to an ethical way of being and living, adding to the betterment of yourself and the world at large.

With heart and love

Lionel Koh

As I was reflecting on the change of the year, it struck me that many people are identified with certain supposed traits of the various zodiac signs, be it from Chinese or Western astrology. The same can be said for the various personality profiling tools that are out there in the market. Some use colours, some use letters and others use elements. What is common about these is that they are an attempt to put people into categories, which supposedly makes it easier for people to understand themselves and others.

Generally, this is not a bad thing. However, people can become overly identified with a profiling system or tool such that they begin to see people only in categories or fixed perceptions, and not as individuals. They ignore the various multi-faceted life experiences, circumstances, living/work environment and choices that makeup and influence people’s personalities and worldview.

Sometimes, a person can also be extremely identified with a generally-accepted characteristic of certain star signs or profiles. For example, people born in the Year of the Ox (Chinese astrology) and/or under the star sign of Taurus (Western astrology) are supposed to be dependable, steady but also stubborn. I use these examples because both are mine and much has been said to me about these supposed characteristics of mine, both in jest and in serious conversations.

From my personal experience and observation, profiling tools and star signs only indicate certain tendencies, which is great if used as a self-awareness tool but troublesome if used too rigidly or unconsciously.

It is easy to overlook the true person and individual that is there when we identify too much with personality types and star signs. Our worldviews become those that come through the lenses of fixed ideas and stereotypes, which are always invariably detrimental to growth and especially to relationships. Furthermore, when we are stuck in a certain point of view and accept that it is who we are or who others are, we deny ourselves the opportunities for growth.

Throughout my years of personal development, life experiences and personal reflection, I have come to realise and accept that I have strengths and weaknesses. My biggest strength can also be my biggest weakness. There have been times when my steadfastness to principles (what many term as stubbornness) has served me well while at other times it has hampered my development or strained important relationships. Over the years, I have learnt to be more flexible and adaptable. However, to attribute these purely to my star sign or personality profile is too short-sighted and negates the myriad of conditions and permutations that caused me to make certain choices.

Furthermore, there are countless nuances and mixes of experiences that influence our characters and tendencies. As such, having one fixed way of interacting and relating with a certain star sign or personality profile pre-supposes or presumes a one-size-fits-all solution, which is frequently troublesome.

All said, what should we do about star signs and personality profiles then? I would suggest looking at these character and personality traits as only one part of a person’s natural make-up. We also should recognise and accept each person as an individual. If we treat each person we meet as a unique individual, regardless of what their birth dates and charts say, we open up the possibility of new ways of interacting with others.

For those who are ‘doomed’ with certain negative traits of their personality profile or star sign, the way forward is to go inwards. Getting a deeper sense of ourselves and accepting ourselves more fully is the first step to true freedom from stereotypes and so-called fate. We can choose to focus on our strengths and develop them while carrying along our weaknesses as we do the inner work to make positive changes in our lives.

Finally, we all have to take responsibility for our own lives and how we live and interact with others. The only true power we have is our power of choice. We can choose to do regular self-evaluations to help us work on our weaknesses so that they do not trap us and develop our strengths so that they can carry us through life. In this way, we can change the ‘fate written in our stars’.

With heart and love

Lionel Koh