lips turn blue

blogs are silly

2010-06-23T14:08:00.000-05:00

no, seriously! they are. my blogs in particular are ESPECIALLY silly. I just read a bunch of old blogs and I'm literally laughing at my stupidity. Oh well, maybe that's what blogging is for- to make fun of yourself after the fact.
Hmmmph.
It's raining. I'm ok with it. I'm craving a good cup of coffee. Lately coffee has been making me sick though. Scratch that. Decaf doesn't make me sick.. but I'm always so embarassed to ask for decaf. Me: "Oh, could I actually get that decaf?" Barista: "Haha, are you kidding me? What's the point?" Me: "Oh, uh, nevermind then." And then I usually fall over and die.. and come back to life in about 15 seconds.

do you see what i mean, silly?

yep.

other people's ideas

2010-05-21T09:07:00.000-05:00

Friday, 8:27 AM

Good morning fellow blogger(s). I come to you this morning with happy thoughts. Although I am at work (experiencing a great deal of tiredness) I am in good spirits. My parents have left the country and will not be back until next Friday. My brothers and I couldn't be happier. Lately life with my mother has been a little more difficult than it usually is. We typically get along great. I consider my mother one of my best friends, but lately we have been eachother's biggest enemies! Apparently she has "run out" of her medication (happy pills!) and so she has been extra crabby and mean! It's fun. Not. But she's gone so all is good. Plus, I move out 4 days after she gets back! Joy.

Ever since I started working I have been spending much time on the internet with nothing to do. (Working at the Admission's office in the summer is quite a drag...) I found this really neat website with lots of different projects that I would like to take on for my new apartment. The link is here: http://www.craftster.org/ I would like to show you some of the projects I will be attempting:

As many of you (granted I only have like two readers, haha.) know I have a lot of stuff. I do not own any sort of shelving unit. My dad has a bunch of scrap wood from previous projects (my parents are ALWAYS working on something) and hopefully he can give me some to make these lovely shelves! I would most likely paint them different colors or my typical black .. we'll see.

This next project I am for surely doing. The materials have already been ordered. In my apartment I have one window and I plan on making these "slide curtains" for it. I have ordered 400 slides, hopefully that will be enough. As you can see I will have to drill several holes in each slide. This could take me a while, but with plenty of good music and a postive attitude I think I can make it through. I am especially excited for this project. :)

Another project that I will for surely be doing is this light thing (I would like to come up with creative names for these items/projects... but those are still waiting to be created.) This light might be a little difficult to make but with a little practice I think I will get the hang of it. You basically buy some yarn and glue (and some other things.. I can give you the directions if you ask me) and you wrap those around a big balloon, let it dry, stick a hanging light in there, and pop the balloon. Sounds easy, but I heard it's really difficult. But it's so cool, so I have to do it.

Those are Ikea pillows in the backround ;)

This next project (and last) will be very easy to make. I just need to find a nice tree branch and somehow master the art of making paper cranes. No problem.

I am sure today I will find a handful of other projects to take on in the near future. This certainly will be my anti-drug for the next couple of weeks. Happy trails!

this is what happens when i can't find my notebook.

2010-05-13T01:34:00.000-05:00

I don't like it when people try to "solve" my problems. I choose to forget about things/people/situations. It's easier that way. Don't like it? Deal with it. You "feel like you've lost me?" Your fault. You've given up practically everything that's good in life? I don't care. It doesn't impress me. I don't live in Minneapolis anymore. I am choosing to forget about everything .. everything except two people that would never scorn me for not reading my bible daily or get mad at me for skipping chapel. Christians now make me sick. Well, those Christians... I don't mean anything to you. I'm not "good" enough for you. All you do is criticize me. Leave me alone?

my goodness, i'm on a rage...

i'm a terrible person. but sometimes when you wanna forget you have to be...

words.

2010-04-16T02:13:00.000-05:00

can people just stop hating on the gays?
i mean, why can't people just let people be people?
i'm getting really tired of it.
and i think i might actually be getting tired now.. so i'm going to go to bed.

day 34?

2010-03-30T18:12:00.000-05:00

Ughhhhh, my body will not heal.
I'm so tired of sitting all by myself all day long! I've accomplished nothing ... and I honestly don't even feel any improvement in my health.

I've watched a few movies:
Iron Jawed Angels - terrible. I couldn't even finish it.
Balibo 5 - It was decent. It's an Australian film (.. someone from Australia may have recommended it to me :) ) and it's about these 5 Australian journalists who went to Timor to film what was happening there at the time (1975- the Indonesians were trying to take over their country.. killing thousands of people) He told me I should've cried.. but I didn't. I feel kind of terrible actually for not crying... but it just didn't seem that sad to me! Oops.

More to come. Soon.

Because I am incredibly bored on a Friday night.

2010-03-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

About 3 1/2 weeks ago I started to get really sick. It started off with just a mild sore throat and then it just became more and more severe. I went to the doctor and he was certain that it was Strep Throat .. but the results came back negative. They told me to go home and take Ibuprofin. About a week after I was sick I started to feel a little better but I was still drained of energy and was constantly sleeping. I left for New York (this was about 2 1/2 weeks ago) and I had a great time... looking back now I remember being extremely tired the whole time.. but I forced myself to stay awake for the city. My sore throat snuck up on me some times.. but I just figured it was because I was singing so much. So choir tour finally ended and as soon as I got home I crashed. And I crashed hard. Aside from going to my classes I think I slept all day Monday and Tuesday.. but I just figured that I was tired from tour. Wednesday was a different story. I woke up to my alarm (at 7:00) and and I literally could not get out of bed. I was soo sick, sooo tired, and incredibly weak. So I stayed in bed all day Wednesday. And thursday. And Friday. Saturday I finally started to feel better .. but I still slept all day. Sunday was about the same thing. My mom kept asking me if I should go to the doctor but I thought it was just a flu.. and the doctors can't really do anything for that. By Monday I was so sick of being "sick" I decided to just do all of my daily-doings. Mondays are full days for me.. but everything went fine. I got done at about six.. ate a few morsels of food and crashed. The next 2 days were like this too. I would do my stuff during the day and then crash at about 6. On Wednesday (this would be two days ago) I woke up realllllly sick again. My sore throat had came back for a visit and I had this terrible headache. I ending up going to the ER (my only option) .. it was the worst experience of my life. First of all, I hate HCMC. It is the worst hospital in the history of the world.. they have terrible service and I feel like I know more than most of the staff there. I spent FIVE hours in the hospital.. by myself.. the closest to death I've ever felt (well, obviously it wasn't THAT bad.. but I've never been really sick before) It was just a terrible experience. And I'm sure it cost a fortune.. they gave me two IVs and two doses of some medicine that I can't remember the name of. And to top it all off they diagnosed me with mono.

So yesterday my Dad picked me up and here I am, at my house, bored out of my mind. I just took a shower and i thought blogging might keep me a little occupied. So I'm going to just try to document the things I've been doing.

Today:
I woke up.
My throat has been KILLING me all day.
The morning was rough.
I ate a bowl of cereal and wasn't extremely full afterwards (a huge step.. I haven't really eaten much of anything for the past 3 weeks)
My brothers were really nice to me .. (a first?) .. Jake made nachos. I ate some. It hurt like HELL but I knew that they would eventually make me feel better.
I drank a lot of water (also a huge accomplishment.. it's hard for me to stay hydrated when I'm ill)
I took ibuprofin.
I started to feel better.
I watched tv ALL day.
I at a slice and a half of pizza (probably the most i've eaten since, well.. a long time.)
I watched "Up in the Air" .. loved it. Watch it.
I took a shower.
And that's it. I hope I can accomplish more tomorrow.

'many mazes'

2010-02-21T11:14:00.000-06:00

Hundreds of rarities are buzzing through my head.
I keep wishing for for the sunset but all I see is gray.
When will I see,
See something deeper than me?
I know that it's out there
Just waiting on a thousand corners.
But am I willing?
And am I deserving?
The truth cannot be found in this dark, weary place.
Suffocation took a hold of me
And I lost my dearest friend.

I am so sorry.

2010-01-27T19:50:00.001-06:00

wishing for tough skin.

2010-01-04T14:28:00.000-06:00

Ehhhhh... my battery is completely dead on my computer and my protection plan doesn't even cover it. Looks like I'm going to have to make another purchase. This sucks.
Could be worse I guess.
I never use my computer anyways after quitting facebook.

I go back to school soon... I can already feel the sickness stirring up in my insides. I hope this semester goes by really fast. That would make me so happy.

Why am I writing this? Man, my blogs are so pointless.

bad grammar and thoughts on the future

2009-12-29T22:28:00.000-06:00

hmm it's been a while since I have blogged (like a week?)

I'm changing my major back to music ed (AGAIN!) ... Every day since I changed my major from music ed to vocal performance I make myself sick worrying about how I'm going to be able to survive, etc. So I just decided to go back to music ed.. even though it's not a very promising field I'll have better luck finding a job. And it will be more fun and rewarding too. Haha. I'll graduate a year later than I thought I would though.. What a joke.

And hopefully I'm transferring as soon as this summer to the U (hopefully--the fingers are crossed.) If I don't get accepted then I'm not sure what I'll do. Stay at north central, I guess. I have about 2 years left after this year (suck. I hate education classes. and north central!) At least when I graduate I can go straight into working instead of potentially going to grad school right away.

And I also thought about perhaps adding another major.. it would probably be history. I've always really enjoyed history. Although I have never actually taken a college history class I have taken Music History and that was hands down my favorite class of all time. It's still up in the air but I figure if I have history major and a music major I could teach both.. and that would be well, perfect. Hello jobs.......

So now I wait for the U to get back to me (probably like 2 months.. ugh!) I'm praying that they accept me! I would be soooo thankful to get out of north central!

that's it. I'm boring, I know.

2009-12-22T17:58:00.002-06:00

"Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there, if you want it to be. You just have to see, that it's wrapped in beauty, and hidden away between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it."

with all of this time on my hands...

2009-12-22T15:31:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d7zjrNH7ts

the go-getter

2009-12-21T23:39:00.000-06:00

I liked this movie. A lot.

M. Ward AND Zo0ey Deschanel?? Yes please.

ohmygosh.

2009-12-19T15:31:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmeTAhFeogU

droooooool...

2009-12-18T11:15:00.001-06:00

Finals are over. Christmas is approaching. I could potentially read twilight all day. Gracie will soon be in my arms. I'm listening to Margot and wearing my favorite shirt.

It's just a good day. :)

na na na na nananananana

2009-12-14T19:42:00.000-06:00

weird.
I'm studying for my new testament final. I just flipped to Jude in my bible (to start studying) .. all of a sudden "Hey Jude" starts playing on my ipod........

coincidence?

my first cue to run

2009-12-13T14:58:00.000-06:00

i hope home will bring me more joy than this poop hole.

...doubt it.

I'm moving to China. Bye.

Words of Truth

2009-12-11T15:22:00.000-06:00

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

if it weren't for studying I would've never stumbled upon this:

2009-12-11T15:19:00.000-06:00

"I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that."

Amen, sister friend.

2009-12-10T09:09:00.000-06:00

IMG00110.jpg

2009-12-09T00:41:00.000-06:00

My lovely friend Emily and I. :)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

2009-12-09T00:36:00.001-06:00

Love love love
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

The atlantic was born to day..

2009-12-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

Sorrow.
Shame.
Anger.
Exhaustion.
Regret.
Confusion.
Aggravation.
Depression.

For three months all of these emotions, feelings, whatever-you-want-to-call-it's have been hovering around me like a black cloud. From the moment I arrived in Minneapolis I was a mess. I was so excited to come here. I was just itching to get out of my house to finally be away from my parents, my jobs, and even some of my friends. It was an opportunity for me to start a totally new life - a life free of sinful things and all of my regrets. In my mind everything was going to be perfect when I started this "new life." I would be surrounded by Christian people, Christian traditions, Christian rules, Christian music, Christian clothes - all things that I actually enjoyed (pre-northcentral.) I was stoked. Truly. So why did my opinion change drastically the moment I stepped foot in the doors of Miller Hall?

Things went dramatically down hill from there obviously. Three months of absolute hell. The details are irrelevant at this point. Everything is just a blur to me anyways. Never in my life have I ever felt so alone. No one can see my point of view. Everyone just tells me I need to lose my attitude. Or as my good friend said the other day "You need to read your bible fifteen minutes a day and pray fifteen minutes a day and go to chapel every day and journal fifteen minutes a day." But is that really what I need? Will those things really help me? Not a day has gone by without me begging God to change something. Change my attitude, change my opinions, change anything. I just need something to get me out of this hole because I just keep digging deeper and deeper...

Today I had a slight epiphany.
I was thinking to myself this afternoon that I had a really good week.
*Some drama had died down with a couple of friends and I could actually look my friends in the eyes.
*I got together with an old friend a few times and we had an amazing time together (uptown love!!!) I know that I'm having a good time when I almost pee my pants. It was so great to see her again. She is a sister to me, full of love and compassion and such a beautiful heart. I am so thankful she lives so close. I can actually see God blessing her -- she reflects His love!
*It's the week before finals. I prayed a few times for God to just give me a calm spirit and to just give me the courage to just persist through everything. Voice juries are TOMORROW. And I'm blogging. Yeah, I'm definitely calm. Weird how some things work....
*I got into a huge fight with my closet friend here (I won't give names). It took a huge toll on me. He made me extremely upset. But then we talked again. And things got better. A whole lot better. I suppose that could be a whole different blog....
*I got a job but then they called me and told me they couldn't hire me until maybe after break. Oh well. Calm spirit?
And most importantly:
*My smile is slowly coming back. Today while I was walking to Mensing in the blistering cold wintery weather I realized how beautiful the snow actually is. I was constantly looking at my feet while I was walking and I began to slowly trip out. Maybe it was just today but it seemed like the snow was extra glittery. I was in awe. Such a beautiful creation by a beautiful creator...... Also, I actually talked to some girls in choir today and it wasn't even bad. And I smiled at a lot of people .. and I didn't have to force it! ..My guitar lesson was great. Kevin made me sing and play my song that I have to sing for Christmas Eve and it made me feel just so comfortable... haven't had that feeling in oh, maybe three months.

Back to the epiphany:
I was sitting in New Testament this morning at eight o fricking crack of dawn clock and a thought popped into my head. People Serving People. What? And then I thought some more. Oh yes, the weekend long mission trip to MPLS when I was in 10th grade. And then another thought popped into my head. About two months ago I was at Nick's house and he mentioned walking past the People Serving People building downtown. And then another thought: should I volunteer there? Yes. So I filled out a huge application and got an email about an hour later. "We are currently booked for the month of December. Email us in January and we can set up a time to tour the facility and assign you to something." Glory!!!!! This could be exactly what I need. I read on their website that 2/3 of the people that they house are children. That broke my heart. It was -8 last night. Just think of all the children on the streets of Minneapolis right now.... Maybe this is God telling me to start my own homeless shelter....
Oh the thoughts that go through my head.

Anyways. I hadn't intended on writing a blog more that one paragraph. This is originally what I was going to write.
My friend Tony talked to me at dinner tonight. He told me the news that he was moving to Kansas City next thursday to do an internship with IHOP. I expressed my feelings to him about how I would love to just get all my stuff and just move somewhere. Then I realized that that is essentially what I did. He took one look at me and said, "Wherever you go, there you'll be."

I can't run away from my problems. No matter where I go they will be with me forever.
Wherever I go, there I am. Wherever I go, there I am. Minneapolis. Minneapolis. Minneapolis. I'm here for a reason. I'm here in Minneapolis at this school for a reason.
For reasons.
For something..

really?

2009-12-01T20:56:00.000-06:00

When I was in the 9th grade I worked at Big D's Take and Bake Pizza. We would get these huge bags of cheese and we would always have to pound the bags to get rid of the clumps in the cheese. Everyone hated doing this but I loved it. It was a way to express my anger. Just punch the bag as hard as you can and watch your anger just fly out of your skin. I soooo wish I had a bag of cheese to pound right now.

Why

are

some

people

inimical.

Is it really necessary? We only have one life to live.. why can't people start loving each other?

Liberation

2009-12-01T18:34:00.001-06:00

Nothing has ever been more satisfying...
...than deleting my facebook.

Even though I miss the status updates I am sure I will survive.

Keisha Lynn Held is finally breathing again with the help of not one but two B complexes today.

My piano awaits me....