Lipsticks to Lollipops and Everything in Between...

The Hand

2026-10-13T14:53:29.788-04:00

Sunday marked another year without my sister.

We were almost 3 years apart in age. Close enough to grow up with each other but far enough apart to not have much in common.

We shared the same childhood but from two very different perspectives and outcomes.

Sitcom families always put the responsibility on the older one to be more mature and to take care of their siblings. On the other hand, the "babies" of the family were allowed to be more mischievous and "get away with murder."

These personas did not fit us. I always felt the burden of being the one to not cause trouble and hold more responsibility while my sister's acting out was eventually more expected than disciplined.

She did not take care of me or even show interest in me and the less we interacted the better our coexistence became.

My perspective, of course. Not hers.

So, when she passed away, and I was contacted by one of her friends on social media, I merely assumed it would be a generic condolence. It was not.

It was a simple "I can't imagine how you are feeling right now knowing that your sister passed away while not liking you." Uhm, excuse me.

Not liking me? Is that what she told you?

I don't know why or how quickly my blood began to boil but it did.

I was the one that did everything right. I took care of you. I got nothing in return, And YOU didn't like ME?

"Well, guess what, sister, I didn't like you!"

Those words about her could have easily come out of my mouth, but, coming out of hers was unthinkable. At least then and especially in that moment.

I have looked back on it many times over the years and my perspective, without knowing hers, of course, has changed. Even my perspective on her friend has changed too.

Maybe she just phrased it poorly. Maybe she was just a blunt person. Maybe it was something she needed to say to me.

As far as my sister, I realize now it wasn't easy being her which also circles back to different perspectives.

The challenges we faced together manifested themselves inside of us in very different ways. What I saw, what I felt, and how I coped with it all wasn't the same way she did.

It was always evident, at every phase, she was struggling. Struggling in relationships. Struggling in marriage. Struggling in life.

And just like that, she was gone. Another thing, to add to the list of things I didn't like about her.

Then, I started to realize...

Watching each other and how we handled it all so differently from the very beginning and along the way, didn't make us confidantes.

Or even friends.

But I knew then as much as I do now, that we did love each other, even if we had trouble finding a common ground where we could have expressed it.

I have also realized...

Time doesn't erase the loss but it can change how you carry it.

You begin to understand how precious even the ordinary moments were.

Learning to live with loss and giving yourself the grace to not have it all figured out is what the beginning of healing can look like.

But it takes more than that to get to a place where grief and growth can exist together.

However, you first have to realize that growth doesn't cure grief. It holds its hand.

You can carry the pain forward as you continue living alongside it.

I realize now, many years later, that her friend had trouble validating what my loss felt like because she didn't fully understand our relationship.

She may have wanted me to elaborate my feelings then but I chose not to respond.

Today, I would tell her this:

When a close relationship ends in death, the grief is straightforward.

When it is a complicated relationship, the grief is often doubled.

I wasn't just processing the loss, but, the harsh realization that things could have been different all those years if we had of tried.

Holding the hand of complicated grief means that you can't re-write history or pretend the relationship was anything else than it really was.

You are thrown into dark rooms that are immune to boundaries you protected and family dynamics you blamed.

Only death can slam those kind of doors at you.

and only healing can reach out and open them if you take the hand.

I chose to take the hand.

It has helped me to grieve differently but the way I need to.

I have acknowledged both truths.

Respecting my boundaries and weeping for how it all turned out are my truths.

Admitting them both have allowed me to grieve.

To my sister, I would say this:

It was a heavy emotional landscape that neither of us knew how to navigate and with you gone, I have become the person that has to find the path to put us on that we deserved.

Without you, and a clear road map, I have:

Honored the complexity of our reality rather than trying to fit us into a traditional mold.

Released us from the "never was" and only mourned the "what it could have been."

Allowed our perspectives to coexist without judgement or blame.

Created rituals of ways I celebrate you by doing things you enjoyed to do.

Moved my boundary from each other to block us from unsupportive people so we don't have to justify or explain our relationship to people who do not or do not want to understand.

Said it out loud for you to hear "I love you" and felt you saying it back.

Continued to hold growth's hand for both of us.

Hidden

2026-08-22T14:25:04.805-04:00

The older I get, the more I realize:

Peace is my most valuable asset. My energy is my responsibility. Slow progress is still progress. These things I hold dearly. So, having to possibly disrupt or sacrafice them at this stage of my life to find more income, is weighing on him.

Also, I haven't had to actively search for a job in quite awhile as I have spent the last decade volunteering and making a living doing services for people I know or through word of mouth.

I also haven't had to understand until lately how much more difficult it is being 54 and not 34 looking for employment.

10 applications - nine of them ignored and one very quick "sorry, but, you are not qualified." Hello? Excuse me, but, yes, I am. Qualifications that span over my lifetime kind of qualified, actually, that you quickly dismissed without explanation. How rude.

But, beyond all that, there has been a deepening of hard emotions building inside me. A heart palpitation here, an unprompted sadness there, another uncontrollable cry, and this increasingly ignored distraction.....sitting in me.....surfacing.....commanding my attention. My father's anniversary of the day he died is this week.

There is this part of grief that I have never really heard anyone talk about maybe because it is more felt than named. When a loved one dies, there is a piece of you that is not just broken, but shattered, making it impossible to repair.

That piece of you is what the other person brought out in you. ONLY that person brought it out in you. Sides of you that only they got to see and you got to feel. A softness in their voice and the right words you always needed to hear. A feeling of being lighter, happier, braver, and safer when they were near.

And when they are gone, that piece of you leaves with them and never returns.

I don't just miss him. I miss who I was with him. So, in a sense, I am also mourning myself on his anniversaries. It is a hidden and heavy grief to carry when you know it was everything to you and now it all gone, that person and that version of you.

I've spent years trying to honor that version of myself by living with more intention, saying the words others may need to hear, being supportive and kind and encouraging as he was to me. But, man, that void of not getting it back the same way, well it hurts.

I am grateful for the years I had it and the wonderful traits he naturally brought out in me. Because of him, I know who I am and what I am capable of. That is the gift that softens the hurt.

Soul Friends

2026-03-08T20:33:00.104-04:00

I recently spent a night out with old friends. It was long over due. We're talking decades in the making.

From the very beginning, it turned out to be the most impactful and fulfilling gathering that we, undoubtedly, needed so much.

As if acting like giddy teenagers all over again wasn't enough, this evening was highlighted by a flood of memories, reflections, belly laughing, toasting special loved ones that have passed and a refreshing amount of honesty that can only be shared with people who know you so well.

It was full of every emotion possible and it made me realize something very special:

There are certain friendships that change you forever.

Not because they're perfect but because they are imperfectly rooted inside of you— in a loyalty, trust, and unwavering support kind of way that you have not only earned but gifted to each other.

It grows out of years of sharing laughter and tears.

It is held together with sacred memories and a profound sense of safety and peace that surrounds them.

It is real, raw, and uncommon enough that once you feel it, it becomes a part of you and them.

It stays cradled in your hearts and gently surfaces to remind you of happier times when you need it most.

It settles into your bones with an odd sense of familiarity, like it has been there before.

It is a rare connection, so true and deep, that it remains untouched by years and distance.

It has a life of its own and rejoices when your paths cross again because it recognizes each others souls.

There is an ancient Gaelic phrase for this kind of unique friendship called Anam Cara - used to describe your soul friends that walk beside you, understanding your spirit without the need for masks or pretenses.

They are your mirrors that reflect back to you the truest form of who you really are, and, in turn, you are forever grateful for finding them in this lifetime and the next because you know how rare and beautiful this kind of friendship really is.

Cheers to my Anam Caras, and another sacred memory of a night of hugs and belly laughs with you!

When the Brakes Are Broken

2025-10-16T14:25:00.006-04:00

Overreactions, random anger, fatigue, lack of empathy, impaired judgement, low attention span, impulsive behavior, inappropriate comments, depression.....All symptoms of a frontal lobe brain injury.

Self help groups will tell you these changes are "Not excuses, it's neurology."

Caregiver support groups will tell you "It's like being stuck in an abusive relationship that you should never make excuses for."

Neither approaches have helped me.

We have been married for 22 years and I have spent 11 of them navigating our life and relationship through and around his brain injury.

I have never written about it but I feel like it's time for me to share my feelings instead of just thinking them in the hopes that it not only lifts some burdens but encourages someone else going through something similar.

Brain injuries don't just change the person who was injured. It changes every single relationship people have with them. The conversations, connections, the balance. All of it shifts and instead of being able to get closer to them, the injury usually kicks in and propels you further apart.

The daily overstimulation, mood swings, exhaustion, heightened reactions, and watching the person not being able to control it, feels like watching someone ride a bike when the brakes are broken. The more momentum that is given to the pedals, the bigger the crash will be when it can't stop and comes to its own end. I have spent years trying to fix the brakes. Counseling, medication, hyperbaric oxygen, THC, light therapy....You name it, I have had him try it. Nothing has significantly worked so I have, with guilt, ignored the brakes and tried to just get him off the bike, but, he won't listen and back on the bike he goes.

It's been an unusually rough year on top of several difficult ones. As a result, the marital edges that were already frayed have begun to tear, and, the unusual but pure lack of emotional strength I have to mend them, has made for some long and trying months.

After a difficult turn of events, carrying the weight of being a one person show, as I usually am, has just been harder. More emotional. More exhausting. More suffocating. There have been so many situations lately where having a loving and supportive spouse help would have been so welcomed. For every opportunity he had, he either did not notice it or chose not to take it. Every time it felt like more weight be added on top of me. Over time, I managed to get through it but I also had to pep talk myself along the way more so than I have ever done.

And so, I type, this as a reminder to myself that I am alone but not lonely. I am fragile but not broken. I am beaten down but I haven't given up. I am overwhelmed but I am capable.

I am my own self help and support group.

I think it would have been more helpful if I was told straight from the beginning that, as much as I would love to have someone to scoop me up, cradle, and comfort me on the really hard days, well, harsh as it may seem, that person is gone.

Luckily, I have always been the one to scoop, cradle and comfort, so, there's that, I guess.....

All joking aside, there is no real preparation or course of action for the emotional, financial, physical, and psychological tolls a brain injury causes. It takes immense resilience and adaptability to get through this as a spouse, and, if there is an upside, it's personal growth I have gotten out of this. I've tested my boundaries and developed new skills, established good routines, learned to prioritize self care, and found odd senses of fulfillment and pride for the way I have stepped up and maneuvered quite well through these years while solely taking care of my husband, children, and myself. If that is the trade off, then, that's okay.

Ultimately, I think when you allow yourself to realize and accept the brakes are broken, you should just stop trying to fix them and I have finally told myself that's okay too.

Freedom

2025-09-10T22:00:00.004-04:00

A day after I wrote a post about kindness, there is another school shooting at a high school in Colorado and a presumed political assassination at a Utah college of a conservative leader in youth activism.

As if being bogged down with the magnitude of responsibility I have had to take on and the strong emotions I have over it (another post in itself), I am growingly disgusted with this country and the constant turn of events that continually anger and sadden me. I am sick of being tired, concerned, and angry over the conduct and actions of the United States. We are broken, and, even scarier, we lack the necessary leadership, concern, and dedication to fix it.

As long as I can remember I have been taught about this country's super power we call freedom. Freedom of speech, religion, the press, and the right to assemble and petition the government in particular. Well, how's that going for you, America??

Let's test these freedoms against the cold hard facts of the society we live in right now:

Do you feel like you are allowed to express your ideas and opinions without fear of censorship or punishment? (Charlie Kirk assassination)

Do you feel comfortable practicing your religion freely? (Children killed at a catholic school mass in Minnesota)

How about freedom of the press? Do your credentials protect your right to cover stories freely? (The Los Angeles Police Department firing projectiles at journalists covering immigration protests)

And last but not least, "the right to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." Just be aware that the backlash of exercising this right, is to be possibly arrested if you are a student protester and have your own president defund colleges supporting protests, for example. Then, taking it one step further, how about just and fair legal representation for these arrests? You know when the American Bar Association has filed a lawsuit against the U.S. government asserting that "the Trump Administration was intimidating lawyers and law firms who took on clients the president disliked" is not a great start to getting good legal representation for those with disfavored views.

If someone googles the year 2025 in the future, their search is going to be consumed with the Diddy trial, the Epstein files, gun violence, Ice Agents, the National Guard, tariffs, .... I think you get the point.

What you won't find is the word Freedom.

Blame the democrats, the republicans, the liberals, the conservatives, the guns, mental health, religion, sexuality and all the other ways outrage has been expressed and labeled as the reasons we got ourselves into this mess. Here is the main shock that might throw all of the mud slingers right over the edge....despite what your feelings are, all of these people you are blaming have one common factor....They are all AMERICANS and that title comes with the power of them and their beliefs being protected by the Constitution. Your words only perpetuate the problem and actually fuel the fire for more violence.

When you take away freedom, you take away the heart of America. We should not be categorized as anything but Americans and there is nothing beneficial when we decide to alienate and not support certain Americans by labeling, dismissing, condemning or attacking them for not fitting into what we think is right for this country. We should all be so angry that Americans are attacking other Americans. Until we realize that is the real issue, we will never even begin to find freedom again.

Be Kind

2025-09-09T13:44:00.004-04:00

“The kinder and the more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness he can find in other people. Kindness enriches our life; with kindness mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy, and dull things become cheerful.” Leo Tolstoy

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) was a Russian novelist that lived a privileged life, and, yet, felt an emptiness and a loss of faith about humanity and its unfairness towards its social classes. In a yearning to understand its complexities, he found quite the opposite, its simplicity. No matter how hard the peasant farmers worked, he observed an unwavering strength to fulfill their existences no matter their circumstances. They accepted death because of their profound faith, and they had a sense of freedom he lacked because of the anxieties they escaped by having little to lose.

Tolstoy further realized that you can't just see society as a whole as it has to be made up of individuals first. Each person has their own vital part to contribute, comparing it to how the human body is made up of trillions of cells.

Through observing the common bond the peasants had and how it guided the way they treated each other, he realized kindness was the basis of their simple foundation and it guided them to their own form of hope and happiness that he had never seen before among his wealthy and unkind counterparts.

Fast forward to now, we know through extensive research that kindness is not only beneficial but has the ability to transform the mind, body, and even our relationships when practiced and applied. Seen as an antidote to anxiety and stress, it boosts our mental and physical health by combating feelings of loneliness, reducing cortisol levels, lowering blood pressure, and fostering greater empathy and compassion.

Beyond ourselves, it has the potential to create positive interactions and connections in society too which grows stronger communities by deepening our relationships and encouraging others to do the same.

Each act of kindness, whether it's donating to charity, volunteering, participating in community events, or even just opening a door for a stranger or giving a compliment, makes a real and significant difference.

As a parent who focused on kindness and who has seen and felt firsthand the many ways it has nurtured our family's lives and relationships, I say let's not just raise nice kids but kind kids. If you lay the foundation, set the example, and provide encouragement and opportunities, you will witness and benefit from the results. When started and practiced early, it is more likely to adhere and continue into adulthood.

Can you imagine how profoundly different our world would be right now if all of us had kindness prioritized as a principal component in raising children?

The Master of Meatloaf

2025-06-15T08:44:00.008-04:00

I'll never forget my dad, the master of meatloaf with a secret recipe that remains a mystery, and, his iconic pep talks that always ended in an enthusiastic "Go get em, tiger!"

This Father's Day, I celebrate a dad who made every holiday special, stepped up to volunteer when it was only moms, and, showed me and everyone else that age is irrelevant when it comes to raising kids and riding rollercoasters.

Happy Father's Day

My Moral Compass

2024-11-20T11:43:00.005-05:00

I usually tread lightly these days when it comes to politics. I was raised in an era when I sat with my family around the television and we watched two intelligent and well-qualified opponents respectively debate their differences. People mainly voted to support their stances and handled the outcomes calmly and acceptingly. After all, the greater good of America was built on supporting and defending the constitution and a crucial part of that was respecting the election process and pledging allegiance to its chosen leader.

When I was able to vote and I have continued to do so all these years, each time I cast my ballot, I feel less confident and more unsure of the direction this country is going in. My decisions have always been driven by educating myself on not only the issues but the candidates and using my moral compass to guide me to the best outcomes I can live with.

This past election, I didn't question my moral compass but I did ask myself if I was the only one even using them anymore along with a lot of other questions I didn't think I would be asking myself......

Now this is the part that gets sticky with others.

My main two questions I kept going over and over in my head were how does a man facing three criminal cases and a sentencing over a felony conviction even have the right to run for president? (and I am talking from a moral stand point not a legal one) and when did the price of groceries and securing the border take precedence over addressing school shootings/gun violence and women's reproductive rights?

Before being a republican or a catholic, I will always be a woman and a mother. I have had a miscarriage and a silent miscarriage that required a D&C procedure. I cannot imagine being in a situation where the laws on miscarriage are vague and depends on the state's new abortion laws that may deny care for those who are actively miscarrying. I also have stood paralyzed with fear in a distant parking lot near my son's school waiting for our students to get released in batches after a school threat that turned out to be false but seemed real enough to even fool the cops into barricading the school and sweeping each class with the SWAT team and their guns drawn before releasing our terrified teenagers. Furthermore, this same son was out with his friends one night when a gun was pulled out and used to shoot someone near them. Once again, paralyzed with fear on what the world has become as I rushed in my car to gather terrified teenagers away from the scene.

It was disappointing to see gun violence not even addressed at the only debate given for this past election and for women's rights to be infiltrated by the government where it doesn't belong.

So, I had confidently made my decision, going against my party, as I clearly knew my moral compass only led me in one direction. To me and my moral conscience, I was not wrong but had to face the unwanted result and the continuing disdain for how this country's chosen leader will harshly and vindictively chase his issues that are not the ones that concern me the most. However, I accept it respectively because I was raised that way.

Recently, on Facebook I saw a post where a friend of mine expressed her concern about the elected president and how he does not align with their beliefs and what they want for their children so much so that they were considering moving to another country. One of her Facebook friends chimed in how it was such a poor lesson to uproot her children based on fear. Her response was that her friend was one of the ones who voted to destroy her kid's future. Then, another person followed with a personal attack on other parts of my friend's life and how she was not moving, just attention seeking. I bowed out of reading the comments at that point and I'm sure a lot of "unfriending" surely followed. This behavior is exactly why I tread lightly.

The years of intelligent and respectful debating is over, and, that is, ultimately, the true issue as Americans that we should care the most about. Without respect and being able to see our differences from other perspectives, we are causing further division and extremism, not only in our society but our government and I am pretty sure that is not what our founding fathers wanted when they established our government and gave us our independence. I believe in this country and I will not be unfriending people for not supporting my beliefs and if anyone actually takes the time to reads this, I hope my post encourages you to do the same. Can we at least start there or I should I be dreading to see what the next election looks like after 4 more years of disrespect for each other?

I Choose To Remember.....

2024-09-11T11:03:00.005-04:00

Feathers by Donna Ashworth

I left you a little white feather

I placed it right there in your way

I wrapped it in love with a message

To let you know you'll be okay

I drew you a colourful rainbow

It followed your car for awhile

I made it a beautiful rainbow

I hoped it would show me your smile

I flew down a beautiful robin

It landed right there on your ledge

I prayed he would give you the strength

To push yourself back from the edge

I try every day to remind you

That I never did go away

The feathers, the rainbows, the robins

Are my way of trying to stay.

On 9/11,

I choose to remember the lives, not the lives lost.

I choose to remember the strength and determination the first responders showed.

I choose to remember the unbelievable heroism reported from every location.

I choose to remember the importance of defending and protecting our nation.

I choose to remember the rare spirit of public unity, prayer, and patriotic sentiments that surged.

I choose to remember the sound of the cascading water at the 9/11 memorial that drowns out the outside world and offers a tranquil space to reflect and respect all those affected by that day.

I choose to remember the everyday reminders, the feathers, the rainbows, and the robins that comfort us all and let us know that the other side has still found ways to stay.

The "M" Word

2024-08-28T13:46:00.005-04:00

Menopause by Artist, Vi Mosely

The "M" word, menopause. I don't know what the"meno" is but I know all about the pause! There are not many parts of me left that have not been put on pause from this and I'm not sure how to restart any of them.

For me, it has not been, like everything else, the more common symptoms that you hear all about. Yes, the fatigue, sleep deprivation, hair thinning, and, belly fat, but, have you heard of cold sweats, digestive issues, and contractions?? Yeah, I know, leave it to me to try and stand out from the rest! LOL! Seriously, though, after a weekend of breathing through the pain while my teeth chattered, I've learned the twists and turns of how my body is truly suffering while my estrogen is sadly draining out of me.

My body has carried me through three pregnancies, two miscarriages, and a pulmonary embolism not to mention all the scrapes, cuts, and scars I've put it through. We faced them together, both me and it, telling us both what to do, but, this is different. It is the first time I've felt that we are separated and not communicating the way we usually do. I don't like this disconnect and I need to unpause myself sooner than later.

My usual reaction to everything is to not ask for help, grit my teeth, and push through it but all the self -care I can do on my own like following an inflammation diet, taking supplements, and getting exercise are not going to change the fact that I need my estrogen back, dammit! So, my journey begins with finding a doctor that will work with me and my blood clot history (since my current one will not) to customize some kind of hormone therapy that my body can tolerate and feel better with. Research has led me to the understanding that gels are safe options for me and I feel knowledgeable enough to discuss and advocate for myself given I can find the right doctor.

So, I leave you with this. Making jokes about hot flashes or not bringing up the "M" word is not going to cut it. This is way more than what you have been told or what you thought it would be and living in the shadow of your former self is not necessary or even smart for that matter. Don't listen to your mom, aunt, sister, cousin, coworker or friends. This is not their menopause. This is yours. Knowledge is power and yes, those weird symptoms are menopause just as much as the more common ones. The fog won't lift if you don't blow it away. Eat the greens, proteins, and nuts, drink your calcium, and find time to stretch and walk in the sunlight and relax but get to the doctor and be honest. Say the "M" word, menopause, out loud and get your life and vitality back asap. Your body, mind, and soul will thank you for it!

Photo credit: https://pixels.com/featured/menopause-vivian-mosley.html

Fear

2024-05-01T13:24:00.001-04:00

“It is said that before entering the sea

a river trembles with fear.

She looks back at the path she has traveled,

from the peaks of the mountains,

the long winding road crossing forests and villages.

And in front of her,

she sees an ocean so vast,

that to enter

there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.

But there is no other way.

The river can not go back.

Nobody can go back.

To go back is impossible in existence.

The river needs to take the risk

of entering the ocean

because only then will fear disappear,

because that’s where the river will know

it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,

but of becoming the ocean.”

–Kahlil Gibran, "Fear"

In Kahlil Gibran's poem "Fear," the river represents the human journey of battling fears and accepting change. As it approaches the vast ocean, it pauses to reflect on how far it has come and how difficult it was to get to this point. The path it took had its share of challenges and beauty, but, everything up until this moment, is about to be left behind because turning back is not an option since this life's journey offers no escape.

The river needs to plunge into the unknown in order to proceed. Once it blends with something bigger than itself, it starts to accept and understand that its brave deed was all part of the process. It did not vanish in the expanse of the ocean but it embraced it and became a vital part of it which opened the river up to all the space and beauty the ocean has to offer.

Overcoming fear can feel impossible and crippling. It is heavy and confining as it weighs you down and blocks the view to how it can be conquered and even transform you if you find the strength to face it. Choosing to stay in its existence will never allow you the space or freedom to discover your inner wisdom and see life as trials and tribulations that must be lived and dealt with to keep a healthy and consistent flow during your journey here on Earth.

Whether you are in the winding river, plunging into the ocean, or basking in the wide open sea, you will face or have faced fear to get there. The path doesn't tell you that it is vital to hold tight to your confidence but the water moving you along will remind you that each and every wave is necessary in the process of finding and keeping yourself not only sustainable but happy in that ocean.

The Next Step

2024-04-12T11:51:00.002-04:00

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy

The boy and the horse are in the woods and the boy says to the horse, "I can't see a way through" and the horse replies, "Can you see your next step?" The boy responds, "yes." "Just take that," said the horse.

It is so easy to become overwhelmed and lose track of life's path so much so that we focus more on not being able to cope with the lack of clarity in the destination that we completely forget about the journey and the steps we need to take to get there.

I love this book and how the characters represent the different parts of ourselves. The inquisitive boy who is eager for knowledge, the mole with his enthusiastic but greedy nature, the fox, oh the fox! The withdrawn and wounded side of us...and the horse. The horse is the wisest and deepest part, the soul.

It is a perfect and beautiful balance of the meanings of life wrapped in truth, friendship, and profound conversations we should all have with ourselves and those around us.

So, to the overthinkers (myself included), stop always looking for the way through. Look for the step instead. We spend so much time and energy focusing on the end that we lose our direction and our capability of seeing what it takes to get there.

The woods are our mental health and how we can turn each branch into self-doubt, impatience, and fear that we, unfortunately and quite often, hold onto. The what ifs, the whys, and the hows that we burden ourselves with. But the steps, each footprint filled with self-worth, patience, and bravery, which, have the ability, to turn all of those whys into why nots!

That's what you need to start thinking (but not overthinking!) about......Each step can clear a branch. each purposeful and well-intentioned footprint can move you closer to the desired outcome. So, listen to the horse, see the next step, and, for God's sake, just take that!

The Dash - 2024 Edition

2023-12-30T10:19:00.005-05:00

As 2024 approaches, it’s time for me to put my intentions out there and to use this post to inspire me to keep them throughout the year.

I’m using The Dash by Linda Ellis as my foundation for my approach and adding this to it: I would like my life’s actions of 2024 that will be rehashed through my dash to be filled with reminders of gratitude and reflecting on where my many but often ignored intuitive hunches took me as I am concentrating on delving into them as they present themselves without question and actually seeing where they go for my biggest change this year.

Read the poem and tell me what stands out to you and how you plan on filling your dash this upcoming year.

The Dash by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own --
the cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life's actions to rehash,
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

A "Hmm" Moment

2023-08-24T14:46:00.006-04:00

Think

POSITIVE

Today, I was talking to a family member I find rather judgmental, and I decided to shift the conversation and propose a new topic about positive attributes. When asked, not what their most positive one was, but, our immediate family, it was interesting to see how trying and uncomfortable it was to say something nice and not rebound back to the negativity. Each time it shifted; I redirected the request back to just summing it up into one positive attribute about each person we were discussing. The words that finally surfaced were perseverant, resilient, curious, and patient. Then, I pondered using those words to focus on rather than shifting back to the less flattering ones I hear more often.

Two take aways I had from this. For me, it doesn't feel good to concentrate more on the negatives than the positives in relationships. It changes the mood, functionality, and overall quality and benefit of even having it at all. However, when it comes to family, it's different and way more complicated. I have been stuck in bad relationships and felt overwhelmed to muster up the energy and discipline to either change or exit them all together. The severity of the disfunction and the wisdom I have picked up along the way on how to properly handle it, though, has, mostly likely, either distanced or removed me from most of them all together. So, when talking to someone at a different place in life about worthy relationships that need a little mending, a positive shift in the words we use and how we feel about them is a perfect way to start introducing some thoughts that will hopefully grow and prosper.

Secondly, I found hearing how someone else sees you, especially in a family role, summed up into the most prominant word that first comes to mind is both surprising and enlightening. Not in a bad way at all. More like a "hmm" moment. I don't think we ask ourselves or people how they perceive us enough and there is definitely some food for thought in that conversation. Furthermore, having someone see an attribute in you that you didn't think of or realize should only add to your self-worth so never take away something negative from it.

Those lil nuggets of knowledge shared with you should make you feel good when offered and don't disagree with them or question them. Then, maybe being focused and appreciative will be some future attributes shared with you!

Happy Heavenly Birthday

2023-06-03T22:25:00.002-04:00

Happy heavenly birthday to the man who taught me how to love, that the right way is not always the easiest way, to be kind and stay humble, that patience, respect, common sense, and believing in yourself is always a good start, and that laughter (and ice cream) is truly the best medicine.

Miss you every day, Dad, and I hope there is ice cream in heaven! Two scoops with chocolate syrup. Love you.

Thanks for Being a “Why” This Year

2023-05-18T15:31:00.007-04:00

I wanted to share a special moment my son had with one of his teachers yesterday.

He and a small group of other students were pulled out of class for a surprise recognition and treat for being standouts to one of their teachers this year.

His teacher wrote them all individual letters and read them out loud about how and why they all stood out to him this year.

My son’s letter was so heartfelt as his teacher detailed his best attributes and examples of him being the “epitome of a role model” but it was his teacher’s words at the end that really choked me up.

He said, “Thanks for being a ‘why’ for me this year. You were definitely a major reason ‘why’ I loved my job this year, ‘why’ I wanted to come to work, ‘why’ I wanted to do my best for all of you this year! I wish you all the best as you continue your educational journey next year and, in the years to come. I know you will be the reason many teachers are inspired to come to work to be the best they can!”

Wow! Just wow! Besides the incredible act of expressing his observations and gratitude for them in such a beautiful way, there was something so profound about being told your child is inspiring him in his career.

My son was beaming last night because he has so much of his own gratitude and praise for this teacher. So, to be recognized by him in such an amazing way is something that he will never forget and I know it will continue to inspire him to always be the best he can be.

While teaching has faced so many challenges in the last few years, you all still manage to create classrooms full of learning, creativity, enthusiasm, kindness, encouragement, and most of all, inspiration and my son has absorbed it all and thrived this year and every year academically and personally because of it.

Thank you teachers for choosing this admirable profession and while you are all so good at telling our children their importance, please know your importance to them and me as well.

Happy Mother's Day

2023-05-14T12:03:00.120-04:00

One of my favorite memories of my greatest joys.

To my sons about motherhood:

It's the ultimate joy and the aching pain,

The warm sunshine and the cold rain,

The lifting up and the crashing down,

The sweetest smile and the inevitable frown,

The loving more than you thought you could,

The doubting yourself more than you should;

It's the liking and not liking what you see,

the being the person you did and did not think you would be,

the absolute yes and the very firm no,

the unexpected yet necessary ebb and flow;

It's the long days but short years,

the sometimes confident and the never-ending fears,

the becoming your own but changing so much,

the less time and more rush,

the constant reminders to give it all you got,

the I’m always here with you until I am suddenly not;

It's the saying less hellos and more goodbyes,

the occasional laughs and the late night cries,

the moving on to bigger and better things,

the watching the excitement when freedom rings;

It's the part of our lives that we hold dear,

the joy, the pain, the excitement, the fear,

the name we are given that we proudly display,

the words of endearment we embrace on Mother's Day;

It's the challenging journey we share until the end,

the I love you, I hate you, I am and I am not your friend.

the I need you more now than I will then,

the but you can count on me to be there no matter when,

the sincerely knowing you will always be my greatest joys,

the because you are forever my precious baby boys.

Happy Mother's Day!

No Goodbyes

2023-04-28T11:38:00.006-04:00

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ― Rumi.

Death

I was one month and three days shy of turning 24 when my father died. I had left the hospital to sleep when he passed. I was with him every step of the way through his cancer battle except that moment. That moment in the early hours of the morning when the cancer creeped in one last time and took him away from me without us being able to say, “goodbye.”

First Crush

I was totally new to this teenager thing and all that was supposed to come with it when I turned 13. I had a complicated childhood that I thought would make me skip over all the silly milestones of these years, with my first crush being one of them. I was sassy, artsy, and too much for any boy of equal age to handle but it happened. The boy that gave me butterflies in my stomach and saw right through me with those mesmerizing eyes I could barely make contact with. It was a parent’s worst nightmare- the long haired, wrong side of the tracks, destined to be a dropout kind of boy. Oh, that first crush feeling was like no other! It wasn’t love or lust but it was amazing how intoxicating and addictive it felt. Plus, my parents hated it! What teenager didn’t love to piss their parents off anyway?

Goodbyes

For the entire year and a half between my dad’s cancer diagnosis and death, we spent endless hours at doctors’ offices, radiation treatments, and hospitals. He talked about whatever he wanted to talk about and I listened with the conversations getting more serious along the way but how and when we were going to say our goodbyes never surfaced even though it was always present in my mind. I don’t know if it was sheer exhaustion or fear of what was going to happen that led me to leave the hospital before he died, but, not getting to say our goodbyes was a scenario I never imagined and it was something that haunted me for years to come.

Separation

That wild child that had my full attention and my parents for very different reasons never gave them an opportunity to say, “I told you so!” We spent maybe a summer and not quite a whole school year working to keep the infatuation going but the normal distractions of school and friends eventually separated us as a couple. However, we managed to keep in touch and our encounters of meeting up every now and then lasted for over a decade until he got married and moved away. Every time I saw him, whether it was when we saw each other in traffic, and, pulled over to catch up, or, we met up for dinner, the word, “goodbye” never came out of my mouth when it was over. I always just simply said, “see you later” before I disappeared. He finally asked me one time why I never said ”bye” back and I told him I didn’t like the sound of it. It sounded like I might not see him again but “see you later” always insinuates there will be a next time. He was my first crush and even though there was nothing romantic anymore between us, he would always be special to me and something that I never wanted to end. He understood. He had that soft spot for me too and also stopped saying “goodbye” and started saying,”see you later!”

Acceptance

I was never comfortable saying “goodbye” after my father died and my crush taught me that it was perfectly acceptable not to. So, when he left town for good, it made our permanent separation easier. No painful goodbye just a bittersweet see you later. With the ever so popular platforms of the internet and social media being invented since then, we have talked so the “see you later” has been replaced with “talk to you later.” I have accepted, that, although there is no network to connect us to our dearly departed where they can actually communicate back, prayer is a good alternative. Instead of my dad talking and me listening, it is now the other way around.

See You Later

Now that I am much older, I have pondered the thought that I was not meant to be there the night my Dad died because it spared my eyes of capturing a memory that would have drowned me in so much sorrow that my heart and soul could not have survived it. Instead, there is no such thing as separation between us because I didn’t have to say “goodbye.” I am not able to have the conversations I once did or make new memories with him, but, I am now content with talking to him and guessing what he would have said and smiling at those precious memories I hold dear. There is no more cancer or treatments or doctors. Just me and him. Still connecting and not feeling so separated until I do see him again when my time comes and, when it does, there will be no goodbyes but just a “see you later” to my loved ones.

His Bag of Tools

2023-01-23T15:27:00.004-05:00

My son, after spending only one semester away at his first college, decided to transfer over winter break to another university in a different state. I immediately flooded myself with frustration. Did he not care or remember how we had spent the last year? The entire time consuming and expensive process it took to get him where he was, to now, being told only four months later, that he wanted to not only leave but to do it all over again!

Oh the difference, I thought, between parents and teenagers. I was like "what about you applying all over the country to select what you told me was the best school for you, or the airline tickets, shipping boxes, rentals cars, food, hotels, school and dorm supplies it took us to get you there?" He was like "I know myself and what I need to do and this is what I need to do."

Well, he had me there. The fact of the matter is he does know himself. He always has, to the point, where I admit, I am a little envious of how he has ALWAYS known who he is and what he wants to be. Since birth might be an exaggeration, but, if we are born with that ability, well, then, after meeting him, you would believe it too.

Now, the other part, about how this is what "he needs to do", well, that took a little more convincing. However, that became blatantly obvious too. The school ranking.....literally #1 for his major. Internship possibilities.....yep, better in that department too. Closer to a support system made up of his girlfriend, our close friends, and his mentors, all at an arm's reach vs. being nowhere near anything or anyone familiar to us....yes, add a check mark next to that one too.

So, here we are. Back at again. Airline tickets, hotel, food, dorm and school supplies....you get the picture. After jumping through those same hoops but landing in his new chosen place, we made this transition happen for him. I was weighing in on how his first week went in his new environment and heard all about how his dorm floor mates have rushed in to welcome him and I couldn't help but notice the excitement in his voice about his classes that I never heard before. It made me happy and I peacefully reminded myself of how he is using his bag of tools.

I stumbled across this poem last year and it's strange how its words have been dancing around in my head throughout this whole process with him and how much it has helped me put my mind at ease since my initial freak out:

A Bag of Tools

Isn't it strange

That princes and kings,

And clowns that caper

In sawdust rings,

And common people

Like you and me

Are builders for eternity?

Each is given a bag of tools,

A shapeless mass,

A book of rules;

And each must make-

Ere life is flown-

A stumbling block

Or a stepping stone.

By R.L. Stine (abt 1890)

We are builders for eternity and every phase is a stumbling block or a stepping stone. My son, thankfully, has never seen the blocks, only the stones. These past four months laid the ground work for this moment by giving him the grades and experience he needed to find the next stone. His shapeless mass has indeed taken shape and, although, he is still forming it, he continues to know which rules to follow and what tool to use in life to get him further in the right direction.

So, I am butting out, and, instead, encouraging him to keep building and keep using his bag of tools. I look forward to seeing where this university takes him. There are simply no stumbling blocks for him, and I need to use my bag of tools to break through the frustrations of parenting so I can continue to realize that he is the builder of his eternity, not me.

image credit: http://clipart-library.com/img/733442.jpg

Un-Resolving for 2023

2022-12-27T17:22:00.000-05:00

Not gonna lie. 2022 was a mixed year of highs and lows. The highs were sky-high and the lows were very deeply low. So, instead of setting myself up for, quite honestly, any more pressure that I really don't need right now, I've decided there will be no resolutions for me for 2023.

However, in the lovely spirit of change that every fresh and new year brings, I have decided to graciously recognize it in a somewhat unconventional way. Instead of a Happy New Year, I am happily embracing what I learned in 2022 and carrying it forward with me (without resolution) into 2023:

1) Of course, appreciate the ones that have been there for you, but, DEEPLY appreciate those who still check in with you.

2) That kindness that you show to others...ALWAYS make sure you show it to yourself.

3) It is possible and completely okay to have fond memories of someone you DON'T miss.

4) You have done enough for the ungrateful. Dedicate that precious time you waste on them to focus on YOURSELF.

So, in the new year spirit, I UNRESOLVE to continue to be deeply appreciative of those who have still remained with me, always show kindness to myself and keep realizing it's not only possible but okay to have fond memories without feeling bad for not missing someone, and most importantly, dedicate time to focus on myself in 2023.

What do you graciously recognize for or unresolve to be in 2023?

image credit: New year clipart free clipart images - Clipartix

Breathe

2022-11-02T12:20:00.011-04:00

The poem, Breathe, by Becky Hemsley

She sat at the back and they said she was shy,

She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,

When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,

And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,

So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm, and the pine,
And she told them what she'd been told time after time,

She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,

Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.

I have recently found that one of the most important elements in self-healing is making a conscious choice to let go of any unhealthy relationships that have formed and weighed heavily on you and not allowing yourself to regress back to them. Of course, this sounds way easier to do than it actually is but it is so worth it and the rewards of doing it are immense.

Personally, I was never taught about or encouraged to have self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and, more so, I never realized how critical it is to find and maintain inner peace. My upbringing was quite sheltered and with the enormous amounts of dysfunction that existed quite steadily my entire childhood, I was always told to hide the trauma or ignore it. In turn, I learned to suppress it and live around it instead of in it.

As I got older, I realized that everyone had a role and it was my part to be the one that took care of others. Luckily, it came naturally to me, but, there was no room for my needs or even my feelings, for that matter, when I was done taking care of the rest of them. The more I spoke, the less they listened. However, all along the way, I listened to them. I heard and felt every word. I heard, loud and clear, the constant nit-picking and criticism and I felt, always deeply, that no matter what I did it was never enough. I took, what I thought, was the easy way out and I became and remained the girl they wanted me to be as best as I could. I would pick and choose my battles wisely and be the glue that kept it all together all the while sacrificing bits and pieces of myself along the way.

It took longer than it should have to where I am now.....This place of not taking the easy way out anymore, and, instead, evaluating and redefining what is acceptable and what is not. So, why now? Well, quite frankly, it has happened because I let it go too far and allowed myself to get to a horrible point where it had to be done or there was literally going to be nothing left of me. So, here I am. Choosing the hard path to get to self-healing, facing it all head-on, committing to not looking back, only forward, and telling it all here to encourage others to do the same.

Growing accustomed to toxic patterns in relationships is never a good thing. We know this, but, breaking out of an unhealthy cycle and the discipline it takes to not return to it is hard. The guilt, criticism, and hurtfulness slung at you when you start to advocate for yourself can be suffocating but I promise you can breathe through it and retain control of the progress you are making. Find your clearing, stay as long as you need to, turn off those people, embrace the silence, and just breathe.

Empowering myself is foreign to me so beginning this whole journey I am now on of self-awareness and the realization of how my sanity and serenity need to take priority asap, has been difficult. However, clearly explaining the problem, stepping back and out of the relationships for as long as I have needed to, and only opening new conversation that is based on my terms, has been AMAZING! For the first time in my life, I have healthy control over not giving in to the constant pull of enabling that bound me and the purpose of how I can serve others is no longer the whole basis of my relationships with toxic people anymore.

It doesn't matter what you have always been told. If age, experience, or common sense hasn't freed you by now, then, please learn to listen to yourself. Realize your worth, say your dreams out loud, and ask what is best for you? Find your forest, hear the wind whisper, listen to the trees, and dance with the leaves. It will tell you "You can do this! You are worth it! But first, just breathe!"

Fir forest Painting Credit:

Artist: Ivan Shishkin
Categories: Landscape painting, Tree painting, Forest painting,
Product Code: ivan shishkin 100

Image link: Fir forest - Shishkin - oil painting reproduction - China Oil Painting Gallery

Happy Almost Fall Y'All

2022-09-01T10:06:00.101-04:00

"And then the sun took a step back, the leaves lulled themselves to sleep, and Autumn was awaked." Raquel Franco

Oh! It's September! Now we're talking! A big hello to my gorgeous and golden month where I feel like I am FINALLY getting somewhere! September 1st is my day people. The day when I let my mind start easing into the comforting thought that the relentless heat of Summer will be taking a much-needed break soon. I know, I know.....I live in Florida....too soon, but, it's a mind game with me. I see the temperatures elsewhere beginning to drop, and I hear the advertisements for all things pumpkin-related beginning, and this sweaty girl starts to perk up. If a Pumpkin Latte and turning the A/C down in September to pretend it's cooler already makes me happy, then don't you dare judge me. Instead, just play along and sweetly say "Happy Almost Fall y'all" and join me in a happy and healthy dose of some pumpkin-overloaded bliss and the wonderful notion that cooler weather is on its way.

Is there anyone home?

2022-04-16T15:30:00.007-04:00

Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?)

Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?…

The blogosphere can be a crowded and, yet, lonely place at times. There are tons of blogs on every topic imaginable but you have to venture outside of your own blog and look around to find them.

When I first started blogging 13 years ago, I was automatically drawn to the creativity and freedom to share anything and everything I wanted to. It never really occurred to me that anyone would actually read any of it until someone would pop up on my blog and leave a comment. It fascinated me that not only was I laying down my thoughts but so many others were too and they wanted to talk to me about it. Soon, I started interacting on a regular basis with many other bloggers and it was nice having such constructive conversations with them.

However, as the years have gone by, that interaction I had with other bloggers doesn’t happen much anymore. We all shared a passion for writing and there was something always refreshing about connecting with each other’s thoughts, but, the blogs I followed started slowing down until they drifted off completely.

While I have continued to write, I do feel that inner longing for interaction and sometimes miss the excitement of seeing a comment posted on one of my entries.

I know the blogosphere is still a crowded place with new and fresh bloggers out there. So, it may be time to reach out and connect with a different group but I still hope to see some of the old ones resurface.

It leaves me wanting to sing the beginning of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd as I click on blogs I used to follow and see they still haven’t posted anything in years. “Hello? (Hello? Hello? Hello?) Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?…”

Maybe one day I’ll get a nod. If not, I hope they are still finding creative outlets. Meanwhile, I am happy that the blogosphere is still mine, even if it feels a little more lonely than crowded at times.

And Another One Bites the Dust

2022-03-25T09:18:00.005-04:00

Like it or not, Florida is drastically changing. Any given morning, when you are sitting on your porch trying to listen to the birds and enjoy your coffee, the overbearing sound of bulldozers crushing mid-century houses to heaps of rubble around you will surely drown the morning bliss you were trying to achieve. Instead, you will hear the booming, beeping, crashing, and thudding that replace the chirping, singing, pecking, and squawking you came outside for.

Some will say throwback to 1956 when these Florida homes were built on the same land where orange groves used to stand. Did people get upset about our beloved oranges being destroyed so others could live out their dream of being in beautiful, hot, and sunny Florida all year round?

Fast forward to now, where it is not so much about fulfilling a dream of living in a tropical paradise as it is more about an escape to live here for its lower taxes, retirement benefits, and no Covid restrictions.

Every day, they come from other states in droves hoping to scoop up one of these little mid-century homes to knock down and build over so they can squeeze themselves into their great escape in their brand new mini-mansions.

Meanwhile, we little folks who actually live in these undesirable homes placed on their valuable properties, still want to listen to birds and enjoy coffee without having to look at their out-of-town plates slowing driving by and staring at us like hungry vultures.

As I sit here this morning painfully listening to another one bite the dust, it makes me sad knowing that another oversized and ugly square box will be squeezed onto yet another lot while that Florida dream that built the now erased mid century home is also being crushed along with it.

No More; No Less.

2021-10-28T10:11:00.005-04:00

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore. "Hello Eeyore," said Pooh. "Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a glum sounding voice. “We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather sad, and alone, and not much fun to be around at all. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is sad, and alone, and not much fun to be around at all, would you now?"

Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house. Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?" "We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling sad, or alone, or not much fun to be around at all. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are." "Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better. Because Pooh and Piglet were there. No more; no less.

(Story and Photo Credit: A.A. Milne, E.H. Shepard)

Some days, I am a fearless warrior. Other days, I am a big hot mess. Most days, I am both. Regardless of the days, though, I am always tackling it, either way or both ways, by myself. I have had Poohs and Piglets before, but, due to many hardships over the years, I have buried myself so deep in my own One Hundred Acre Wood that they would not be able to find me. However, I know they are not looking for me anymore and I know the reason for that. I used to let them sit with me and I used to sit with them when they needed it. But, somehow, I got to the point where my burdens felt like they were too much to share and I retreated. I thought I was doing the right thing. I only wanted to weigh myself down and not them but, by not letting them be there for me, now I know that my actions also inadvertently caused me to not be there for them.

Mental health is a strange mixed bag. It’s filled with courage and fear. Confidence and self doubt. Hope and despair. Togetherness and isolation. We all have one, and, yet, we still choose to either show it, share it, hide it, or act like it’s not even there. My mixed bag is hidden in my One Hundred Acre Wood where it will never be found by anyone else but me. It is right next to my stick house where every stick that shelters me represents one heartache or another I have not dealt with properly. It’s a pretty big stick house.

I am currently facing another hardship, and, since it involves a loved one, I clearly know I cannot hide in my stick house this time. So, I am doing my very best to put the heartache it is causing me aside, and be the Pooh or Piglet this person needs right now. Although, everyday, I am fighting the urge to retreat back to the wood, make sure my bag is hidden, and add another stick to my house.

I realize, through supporting her right now, the importance of helping others to maintain their mental health, and, when you can’t do it alone, you need to let your Poohs and Piglets in to support you. If you can’t totally show or share with them your mixed bag, that’s okay. Just don’t hide it or act like it’s not even there. For now, simply allow them to find you, sit with you, and be there for you. No more, no less, until YOU are ready to knock down your stick house, leave your One Hundred Acre Wood, and take your mixed bag with you.

#mentalhealth #mixedbag #stickhouse #I'llsitwithyouandbeyourpoohorpiglet #friendship #fighttheurge #nomorenoless