Lisa's Rough Drafts

First Time Speaker Retrospective

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 13 May 2020 01:08:00 +0000

Today I assumed the role of "speaker" for the first time in my life. I spoke to a group of women on a Zoom meeting for a bible study I am participating in. I did not know how to approach the task of preparing ahead of time. I wrote down a few thoughts, but in the end, I felt a little jumbled. Here's what I wish I would have said:

Some background on me. I first attended calvary chapel in May of 2018, when I was invited to the Plantation area to stay with friends. I think, mistakenly, they thought that I attended church, and I thought that they did. As it turned out, I really liked Calvary Chapel Plantation, which was streaming the live feed from Pastor Doug that weekend. The message really resonated with me, as did the rest of the weekend getting to know this sweet couple and their somewhat grumpy dog. He growled at me a lot :)

When I returned home to Colorado, I began attending church pretty regularly via the online services offered on Sunday and Wednesday evening. In July of 2018, I decided to rededicate my life to God, because the messages were really impacting me. I received via email a link to the P.R.A.I.S.E bible study method. This is what I consider my first introduction to inductive study of the bible.

Over the next few years I continued to attend Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale via their live services offered online. The live service offers a chat room where you are greeted by volunteers with roles such as: prayer, greeter, online pastor. The ministry that they offer is great, because it makes you feel welcome and connected during a remote worship experience. However, due to the nature of managing a large online worship experience, over time this began to lack depth for me. I loved connecting with the other participants, but we had to stay focused on our "purpose" in the online chat room --- to watch the live service and keep our comments limited to that. I began to long for more depth in my experience.

In November 2019, the online pastor extended an invitation to the participants in the chat room to email him about studying the bible in greater depth. This pastor and I began to use the P.R.A.I.S.E. method daily via a short email to one another. However, over time, I did not feel like this was the collaborative effort I had hoped for, and I became frustrated. After less than a month, I could no longer keep up with the accountability of the effort, for which I felt terrible.

Sometimes as I watched online and wished for greater connectedness, I day dreamed that we could start an online bible study group or even travel to a retreat somewhere and all worship together in person. But none of these thoughts seemed likely. Until...enter Pandemic 2020.

In March 2020, when everyone-everywhere transitioned to remote worship, Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale moved their small groups to remote/online experiences via joinagroup.org. Even while the service was rolling, I navigated to the page to check it out. And that's when I found the Titus introduction to inductive bible study group.

So...I joined. And I've been a little lost. And I haven't always understood why --- I did not know how far the study had already come before I joined. But I immediately connected with this study group. How professional! How incredibly well done! The teaching via zoom seemed like they had always been doing it this way. I loved their team teaching method and I loved our break out rooms where we could talk in a smaller setting and really feel a connection of being in a small group. I loved the use of WhatsApp to stay connected throughout the week. This experience has been life changing for me! Not only because I learned some new inductive bible study methods. But because I began to connect with these women in a way that I never would have, if we hadn't all been stuck at home.

Some of my favorite memories of the class?

Accidentally ending up back in the main meeting room with the leaders after class and talking with them about who I am and where I am. I honestly felt like I had just wandered into another room in their church and happened upon them sitting around a table talking
The weekend when I had a panic attack (darn social distance side effects) and I took a chance and shared with my WhatsApp group what was going on with me. Janet sent me a lovely card in the mail. Betty gave me ideas for how to focus on something else positive to distract from the anxious feeling. The other ladies of the group prayed for me and made me feel loved, even though I felt scared and kind of ridiculous.
Getting to know other women. This is my mantra lately. Girlfriends. And mentors. And connecting with feminine energy. I work with a lot of men. Female interaction is not a regular part of my life.
Discovering Cynthia who enjoys so many of the same things I do (travel, writing, skiing at a non-dangerous level, reading) and who wants me to come visit her and stay in her room with a lovely wall of books and an incredible pool. You now you are making a connection with someone when you write a completely run-on sentence of "ands". She makes me feel so welcome.
A wonderful bible study which filled in more than a few blanks for me. I loved watching Betty diagram the scripture. Her study of the word "For" will forever amaze me. I've learned to look up words that do not make sense to me instead of glossing over them. I've learned to re-read a passage of the bible in several translations. Comparing those translations can shed incredible meaning on a passage whose meaning once seemed dry and lost to me. I've learned there is so much more to learn and I want to go back through the videos that Betty and Cynthia sent to me to re-visit some of the lessons that were recorded.

I feel drawn to South Florida. My dear friends are driving back there today, during a pandemic. I have new friends who connect in a way that I can't put into words yet. Three women said that they wanted me to come and stay and hang out with them. The feeling is connectedness, in a time where we are all supposed to be separate, in order to keep each other safe.

Getting Clear

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Mon, 11 May 2020 20:52:00 +0000

I am beginning to get a clearer picture of how I want to have a relationship in the future --- what I might be looking for. That was not clear to me after a failed marriage and an important relationship break up.

John and Mary have been on the periphery of my life for many years now. I met them in 2013 after a volunteer experience at Marble Retreat Center in Marble, CO. On my way home I stopped in Carbondale, Colorado at their request, to meet with them and provide feedback on their newly adopted German Shepherd puppy. We visited for some time on their front lawn and there was talk of staying in touch and potentially help with training or house/pet-sitting. We exchanged emails, became FaceBook friends, and kept in very loose contact over the years.

In 2016, I took a trip to Glenwood Springs with my boyfriend at the time. He ended up having a medical emergency within the first 24 hours, and I found myself with him in a hospital ICU, alone and many hours from home. We had planned to meet up with John and Mary for dinner the following evening, so when I reached out to let them know of the "medical emergency" news, their response was incredible to me. First, they wanted to come up to the hospital to sit with me. And second, they wanted to have me up to their house for dinner and to stay over, instead of staying in a hotel by myself. Both responses were so kind and thoughtful, I was beyond impressed.

in 2018, I reconnected with John and Mary for a meaningful weekend at their home in Carbondale, Colorado. I was invited over to ski, even though I was a beginner and they were not. In spite of their previous kindness toward me, I did not have overly high expectations for the weekend. My plan was to ski, have a pleasant visit, and hopefully earn a gig pet-sitting for their now 6 year old German Shepherd, at both their Carbondale and Fort Lauderdale homes. This would allow me to indulge in a favorite activity of mine: travel. I had such a good time with them during the 2 days/2 nights I stayed. I was struck by the feeling at the end of the weekend that I would miss them. I felt like I had been in the presence of family, and that was such a strange feeling for me in Colorado, where I have had no family for 19 years.

The three of us kept in touch over the next month, and I was invited to their home in Florida for a visit. In retrospect, I'm not sure the exact reason for the invitation, but I was developing a friendship with Mary and there were plans for me to watch their dog in the summer months. It's an incredible experience to be in the presence of long-term married people when you, yourself, are not married. Many times, you are not invited "in" to experience this. Over that weekend I saw a love between these two that had miles on it. They were thoughtful with one another, enjoyed shared activities, and they served one another --- not in weird ways though...in practical ways that just develop when you have mutual respect and consideration for one another.

I visited with John and Mary several more times over the ensuing summer and fall months, and had more opportunity to get to know them. They communicated with one another. A lot. One morning I just sat on my bed in the guest room and listened to them talk downstairs. They communicated priorities for the day, what was happening with friends back in Florida, and other mundane things. Mary loves to cook and keeps the house spotless, which I think is really important to John. They each had their own activities, which they participated in, while checking in with each other throughout the day.

John and Mary do not have kids. Mary said to me early on in our friendship that they could be like family to me while they are here in Colorado. The "feeling of family" is something that I did not even know I was missing until I felt it. John has become a mentor and father-figure to me since that first summer I got to know him. The way he cares for me has helped me to understand what my Father in heaven is like (but that is a different blog post). We do not have an official "adoption" since I am an adult, but he calls me his Daughter and I call him Dad. Through my father/daughter relationship with him, I have further developed what I am looking for in my next important relationship. Through my friendship with Mary, I have come to understand how serving your husband and those around you is important in a mature relationship.

Physical attraction for whoever is my future husband is important. But I also want to feel mutual respect, admiration, and that he is considerate of me. Travel is important to me, but a desire to build a home together, now that I remember what one feels like, is also a important. The feeling that "we" are one another's home. Mutual trust, respect, and admiration allow me to feel safe and to be myself. Those attributes all translate into love for me. I think if I can find an available man, in this wide-world, who reflects those qualities (integrity really), that I will find my soul-mate and my husband.

Being in the presence of mature friends, helped me develop many of these ideas. They were kind of an accidental discovery, but I feel like it was divine, too.

Grief

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Fri, 23 Nov 2018 01:31:00 +0000

Watched the movie "First Man" on November 12, 2018. The ending made me cry. As Neil Armstrong released the bracelet of his daughter, Karen, into the depths of the moon crater, I was struck by how much it reminded me of what grief really feels like. Grief feels like falling backward, spinning in the darkness. To feel it means you aren't sure you'll ever stop falling or spinning. To go through it means you have to test whether both are possible.

Living in the Now 4/13/2018

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 17:09:00 +0000

Living in the Now:

Wake Up!!!! Hey you! It's been almost 5 years since you wrote anything! A lot has changed. Have you changed? Ressurecting up a practice I started in the summer of 2012, when some normalcy began to return to my life, I think it's important to look back on what made us happy, and what we enjoyed about the every day.

1.) Playing Kingdominos at lunch at Front Room Pizza, with my co-worker. I could literally play board games for hours.

2.) Reading a new book and making some progress!

Relishing a Normal Everyday experience:

Working hard on a problem at work. I was getting some traction on solving the problem, breaking it down into smaller pieces and understanding those pieces more thoroughly.

Snuggling on the couch with my 7 year old German Shepherd, Kahlan.

Losing again

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 01:25:00 +0000

Last night I lost my 6 year old German Shepherd to Bloat. Words cannot express how much I will miss her and how surreal the whole situation has been.

Intuition. I should have listened to it. When she threw up for the first time and was all hunched up, I should have known. When I started to think to myself, "maybe she is pregnant somehow" (with the way that she blew up over the course of the evening), I should have known. When she was wandering around and off into the darkness like an animal that is waiting to die...I should have known. Intuition. I have a lot of it, but I have turned that valve for some reason.

Last night I left the vet's office with no intuition. I thought she would be good as new by morning and that I would be $4000.00 lighter. The phone call within an hour and a half of leaving the office (because they made it sound like there was no problem), to recommend Euthanasia was crushing.

I fell asleep crying and woke up several times in the middle of the night like that.

Somewhere around dawn, I had a very real dream. Mira was in my bedroom. The entire room was lit up as though I had more lamps than I actually do. My Mira came to me.

She walked around the corner of my bed and I greeted her as I always do. I scratched under her chin and lifted her chin up to look into my eyes. "Mira, I thought you had died. I am so glad you didn't. I am so glad you are here. Thank you, Mira" I said to her as I wrapped my arms around her neck. Of course it was just a dream. But I thank her for coming to me one last time. I will miss her the rest of my life.

She has taught me a lesson about the phrase "going to". We were "going to" compete in Rally. I was "going to" start training her on Monday. She was "going to" eventually compete in obedience. "Going to".

Last Year At This Time

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 21:20:00 +0000

Growing up, my mom always kept a record of the year. She would write down everything on the free insurance calendar that came in the mail. Everything from our first day of school, to Doctor's appointments, or extracurricular activities. I wonder if she still has all of those old calendars.

I used to save calendars; like the one that I kept for the first year after my divorce. It's interesting to read what appointments I had or which activities I participated in. It's interesting to read how I was discovering myself. This blog was in a sense a record of that self-discovery of myself as an individual.

And then, it turned really wrong. I fell back into old patterns. Patterns of allowing myself to be controlled. Patterns of "standing still". Patterns of putting my head in the sand.

So it's time to take a look back and see where I was last year at this time. Or last month at this time. Or last week at this time. And decide if this is really where I want to be.

I have a feeling that in some ways it is and in other ways, it is not.

Fear

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 03:34:00 +0000

Why am I scared?

My entire life, I have lived with anxiety. Anxieties that manifested themselves as a child as an irrational fear of the dark; an irrational fear of getting ill and dying; an irrational fear of going to hell.

My anxieties kept me from experiencing "normal" childhood on some level. My body's way of dealing with these anxieties was sleepless night and a weak stomach that would often dump itself. I had to turn down offers to go to sleep-overs or just not pursue friendships that might result in such offers. I was afraid I would be sick or need my mother. She was the only one who made me feel safe.

Tonight, I am faced with those same anxieties. I sprained my ankle last week. I rested my ankle all week so that I could attend this dog show in Grand Junction this weekend. Driving over on Wednesday evening, I think my wrap was a little too tight. I woke up this morning with it itchy and burning. But...instead of assuming that it will heal and go away; instead of assuming that each day will be better, I began to imagine all sorts of possibilities. What if I have damaged the skin tissue? What if I get a blood clot and die. What if I have done nerve damage (unlikely considering I never lost feeling in my toes) and will always feel this pain. Why don't I wonder if perhaps the irritation was caused by the brace rubbing up against my leg. Or what if it was caused by the wrap rubbing on the bare skin of my leg? Why don't those seem like possibilities? Instead I turn to fear.

I really don't want to die. And I don't want to be injured. I am scared to be alone and that I won't be cared for. I am afraid to be in "real" pain.

I am hoping tomorrow, when I wake up, that my leg feels better, and I won't wear the brace on my bare skin. I am hoping that all of the bad things in my mind, will melt into the background, and that I can enjoy these last few days in Grand Junction.

Living in the Now 9/26/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 17:53:00 +0000

Yesterday was a tough day. I sprained my ankle over the weekend, and that has made my life so much more complex. I am unable to stay at my house alone, so I have to stay at a friend's house. That would have been fun, if it weren't for the fact that my ankle must remain elevated.

But always with this exercise, I find there are always bright spots in a day:

1.) An acquaintance of mine has been trying to help me get connected at a local church. I am hoping this will help me gain friendships and push me toward a renewal of my spirituality

2.) Another friend of mine contacted me with some great news regarding his start-up company. Apparently they have been selected to compete for an award that could help the company get off the ground. This excited me because I find myself feeling very stagnant in my life. I want to take some risks, and it motivates me to do so when I see him doing it and succeeding.

An everyday event that I found satisfying:

Really, there was nothing "everyday" about yesterday. I feel displaced because of this ankle business.

Living in the Now: 9/16/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 00:17:00 +0000

Yesterday was a good day. It could have been great, but instead was merely good. Still...who can pass up a good day.

1.) I really enjoyed watching two brookies battling over seemingly nothing in a small stream near a marshy meadow walk in Rocky Mountain National Park. Thanks to my awesome Polarlized glasses, I could watch them with ease from my perch on the board walk. They were oblivious to all but their own struggle.

2.) I really loved sighting fish on the Big Thompson. It's always amazing to me to watch a fish appear out of seemingly nowhere, only visible to the inquisitive eye.

There really was nothing every day to enjoy. Everything seemed out of the ordinary.

Living in the Now: 9/12/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 04:04:00 +0000

Today I woke up and the door to my fridge was open. I guess I didn't close it all the way last night. Much of the food spoiled. I discovered this after putting butter and jelly on an English Muffin. That did not taste right.

But the day went okay. This is what I enjoyed today:

1.) I opened my office window and enjoyed the sound of rain! It hasn't rained in Colorado in quite some time. And mostly when it rains it comes in the form of a thunderstorm. This was a soaking "Ohio" kind of rainy day. It was gloomy and I felt so cozy in my first floor condo. There was a nip in the air. I started to look forward to throwing a fake log on the fireplace.

2.) Loki, the dog I am showing in a few weeks, exceeded my expectations at training class this evening. He was a good boy, and I learned A LOT about training him. I can't wait to train with him on Saturday and begin to learn how to make him feel happy and confident in the ring. I also learned that I "can" show my own dog.

3.) I saw a lot of progress in my work this afternoon. That is always rewarding.

Something normal and every day that happened, which made me happy. I had a nice glass of milk :) My favorite beverage.

Living in the Now: 9/11//2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 22:15:00 +0000

The past few weeks have been very high peaks followed by prolonged lows. I am searching for purpose.

I feel like the past 6 years of my life have been exciting. A lot of change has always surrounded me. Relationships ended and new ones began. There were constant new employment opportunities, three moves, and a cycle of life and death. This kept me very busy. It kept me from any sort of thought of plans my life. In some ways, I think a plan for life is boring. Plans never work out anyhow. But now that I've been employed for a year and a half, I find myself planning.

And I hate it. It's me in some ways, and in others it is not. I am generally a cautious person who likes to live on less, so that I can hopefully have more in the times of unemployment that I have come to expect. But now that I do not "expect" the unemployment, now I see myself looking long term. How quickly can I pay off my house? How quickly can I pay off my car? If I work for the next 3 years, then my car will be paid off. In 3 more years I can potentially pay off $12,000 of mortgage debt.

But how will I feel in 3 years after spending that time in an un-ulfilling job. Life is about time. Not setting yourself up for the perfect retirement. Then again, what if retirement is not enjoyable or non-existent because of a lack of planning. It is a double-edged sword.

One thing in my plan that is certain: I do not intend to be alone. This has really been bothering me lately.

But if I were to live for today, this is what I would remember.

1.) A friend of mine paid me a compliment. He told me that I articulate my feelings really well. I have felt so inept at understanding my feelings, I guess I didn't recognize that I can at least communicate what they are. That in itself is a first step, I believe, toward moving forward.

2.) Still re-living Kahlan's win from Sunday. I am also envisioning Loki as a champion. l imagined that we won in his first show.

3.) Kahlan fell asleep in my arms. She doesn't do this every day. Normally she snuggles for a bit, and just as I am enjoying it...she becomes uncomfortable and crawls off the bed. Not last night.

Enjoying an every day experience:

This one is hard. I guess falling asleep with the dogs at night. That is of course a ritual.

Living in the Now: 8/16/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 03:04:00 +0000

Sometimes events unfold unexpectedly. Those we think do not belong in our lives, re-emerge. New chances are created. Sometimes it is uncertain whether God is testing us to resist them or to re-engage them. I think this was a test of honesty.

A few months ago, a guy friend of mine got engaged. It was a little bitter-sweet. I knew he wasn't right for me, which is why we did not formally date. But it was a bit of a discomfort to hear that he is engaged and that I am still standing still.

But in fact, I am starting to move. Picking up this book The Law of Happiness has made me realize that I can find happiness. While I am an introspective person by nature and have seen myself in the past as a person who is on the outside, I now know that I can change my perspective by seeing the world around me through a different lens. That lens means letting go of envy and examining my life through the lens of God. His view of me sees all of my potential and uses grace to cover over the flaws. He made me this way. He is taking me somewhere that is different than everyone else. Along the way will be lessons. Lessons are often the result of pain. They don't always have to be, but I've learned the most through painful experiences.

That said. These are the things that I found enjoyable today:

1.) Reflecting on a friendship that I thought was over. He reached out to me and invited me to his wedding. What a courageous thing to do. God spoke to me and said, have courage in your life. Be honest with him, regarding his questions. Don't make excuses. Just be honest.

2.) I am leaving to get a haircut in about a half an hour. I am so excited. It will be relaxing and fun to see my hair in a "kept" state. I generally get a haircut about once every 4 months. My friend Craig will be cutting my hair and we can catch up on where we are in life.

Taking in a normal, every day experience.

Coming home to my laptop? It's much better than looking at information on my iPhone. I swear that thing is making me go blind.

Watershed Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 20:10:00 +0000

I do not know where my life is going right now. I wake up depressed about that every morning. Every morning, I wake up sad that I live alone and am not married and do not have children and I do not know where that man is; my future husband. Except when we were in Estes Park, or I was in Gatlinburg, or I was in Marble this past weekend, I wake up alone and without purpose.

I want purpose in my life. You do not see the purpose in going up to the North and South Platte river and standing thigh deep in the water with a 5 month old German Shepherd splashing around and crawling up on a rock with me. You don't see the purpose of how that 5 month old shepherd is the closest thing I have to a baby right now and how he draws out my natural nurturing instinct. You do not see me looking up at you on the river bank; not in my world. You do not hear me ask you whether you would like to take off your shoes and socks and dip your feet in the water. You don't hear the gentleness in which I say that you don't have to get in; just let your feet rest. You are separate from me and the water, and the pup is the only thing that connects us.

You do not see when I am standing in the water that in that exact moment the curtains are not drawn on my bedroom window and I can see myself floating down that river in a tube with good friends and a family and smiling and knowing I am exactly where I know I should be. You do not see that it is exactly where I want to be. It is the beginning of seeing the plan for my life. You think in this free-spirited state that I do not think.

Living in the Now: 8/15/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 21:05:00 +0000

Since I am working from home today and can take breaks on my personal laptop, I thought I would get a head-start on this project for the day, while everything is fresh on my mind

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) I know it sounds weird, but paying off bills. Trying to keep track of unpaid paper bills is difficult and it takes up brain cycles. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief on at least one of those.

2.) Taking care of errands that I've been putting off. Once again, something I have been putting off that I think of often, but never take the time to do. Now my mind is free to deal with other problems OR to think of new opportunities.

Relishing a Normal Everyday experience:

Writing! I am writing daily! That is a great feeling. It's what I have wanted to do for sometime and I can't believe I can actually say that I am doing it!

Living in the Now: 8/14/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:36:00 +0000

This is becoming difficult. I think I will have to start reminding myself "This is a pleasurable experience" rather than trying to reflect the following day. From what I remember:

1.) Cleaning and tossing. I started cleaning yesterday evening. Major cleaning. I've felt like I was living in a huge laundry pile for the past few weeks. And starting Monday, with the big Wii give-away, I began the process of sorting through what I really need. Last night I realized that a few things that were unnecessary. I threw out some things and set others aside to give-away. All aspects of my house look better and I feel so much more peaceful in my house

2.) While I was cleaning, I ran across some important journals from my time when I was speaking with a therapist and life-coach. It was insightful and fun to read what was important to me 5 years ago. Some of these items are still important to me. A few of the items that made me smile:

1.) become a dog handler (check)
2.) teach Trinity to be more social. It was always a work in progress :)

Savoring a normal experience:

Sitting on the floor with the dogs. When I came to their level, they automatically started interacting with me. Before they were sleeping. Kahlan came over and jammed her head into the space between my armpit and where I was sitting on the carpet. She flipped herself over and enjoyed being petted. Mira brought me a peace offering in the form of a ball.

Also, looking at the statistics for my blog, I am especially happy by the "repeat visits" that I occassionally see in the logs. While I don't know their origin, Council Bluffs Iowa, Dayton, Ohio, Boulder, Colorado, and California come to mind. I appreciate your anonymous browsing.

Living in the Now 8/13/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 15:19:00 +0000

Monday was a good day from a giving perspective

2 pleasurable experiences

1.) Gave a friend my Wii console and all associated gear. I had tried selling it on craigslist and my price kept dropping. It kept dropping to the point where I would rather give it to someone than go through the trouble of dealing with craigslist. The console is still a lot of fun and she was so excited to play it.

2.) Earned my NRA basic pistol course certificate. That felt good. Learning about guns was not something that came easily to me. I was actually worried about the test, especially after I did not prep well.

Relished one normal experience:

I enjoyed the drive down to Chatfield for the pistol class. I normally drive to that area to see Jon. After a long day of work, it was nice to feel like I was getting away.

Living in the Now: 8/12/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 03:18:00 +0000

Sundays can be the best day or the worst. When I block out that my weekend is coming to an end, it is the best. Today, I was able to do that.

Pleasurable Experiences:

1.) Dipping in and out of the cool waters of the swimming pool and the warm temperatures of the hot tub at my condo complex. Most of the time, summer days in Colorado are very hot. The pool waters always feel good, but the opportunity to put that together with some nice dips in the hot tub felt really good.

2.) Walking through Heritage square on my way to church. I always think of my nieces and nephews or having kids of my own and how much they would enjoy riding the rides. I also think of how much I would enjoy experiencing it with them. I also looked at the ski lifts. That looks like fun to ride sometime!

Enjoying a normal experience:

Eating a frozen pizza this evening. Red Baron makes a mean pizza. It was tasty. Hey...it was small, but honest.

08/11/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 21:34:00 +0000

Okay, so I missed a day. Rather than disingenuously making something up, I'll move forward with a reflection up yesterday.

Day 5:

Pleasurable Experiences

1.) Dressing up for my evening in Boulder. I found a cute little sundress in my closet that I haven't worn yet. It was perfect for the occasion. It had that "free spirited" look. Set the clock back a few years.

2.) Browsing in the Boulder Booksotre. I found more than a few books that I could have taken home. But for the most part, I prefer collecting at the library and then returning my finds.

Living in the Moment:

I remember walking down the mall. A fresh rain had fallen. Conversations were taking place all around me in cute little restaurants with open fronts, so that their patrons could sit on patios or just on the cusp of the activity outside. Community was taking place.

Living in the Now 8/9/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:03:00 +0000

Day 4:

Yesterday was a tough one. I am starting to feel sick again. I had some vertigo. Vertigo triggered panic attacks. I am glad I have this exercise to help me remember that there are happy moments in my life.

Pleasurable Experiences:

1.) I talked to a co-workers about India. We were relating stories to one another about our international friends and also discussing personal aspirations. It felt good to get out of my cube and connect with someone else.

2.) Reading The Law of Happiness and being reminded that working for money is not who we are created to be. We are also called to use our gifts and talents to contribute to the world. And this leads to happiness. I was reminded of the parable of the man who stored up his riches to make himself feel secure with his future. In the middle of the night, his life was ended. I guess he didn't need that safety net. I am trying to create a safety net, and it isn't leading to happiness. In fact, the more money I try to accumulate for safety, the more I feel like I am just working for the buck and not contributing to my happiness, nor those around me.

Appreciating a normal everyday moment:

Crawling into bed at night with my pups. Kahlan curling up in a little ball like a baby deer and staring at me with these big doey eyes. She is in season and seemed to be saying "Mommy, help..."

Living in the Now 08/08/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 03:49:00 +0000

Day 3:

Pleasurable Experiences:

1.) One of the guys at work told me about a camping trip he was taking with friends and family. He told me how they were going to Estes Park. That he would take his kids to this mini-fun center to play minature golf and race down the burlap bag slide. He and his friends were going to camp somewhere in Rocky Mountain National Park. That sounded like a lot of fun. On top of it, he included me and wanted to know if I wanted to go. It was nice to feel included in something.

2.) An accomplishment at work. I nailed the solution to a problem I have been chasing for days. That felt pretty darn good.

Appreciating a normal everyday moment:

I took a moment out of my day to go outside and sit under the trees. I love doing this because it allows my imagination to roam. Like what's going on at that building next door? Do the landscapers love their jobs? It seems like a good gig to me; working outside. Who is that getting in their car and what is their life like?

Living in the Now 08/07/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 14:57:00 +0000

I want this exercise to become ingrained in my head. Ingrained, so that I don't have to blog about it, but rather live it. I want to appreciate each day, whether it went my way or didn't. It seems when things are going really well or the bottom has dropped out of my life, I am able to refocus and see what is important. Since I am in the "in between" I do not recognize it and can actually feel as though I am unhappy.

So here it goes. Day 2.

Pleasurable Experiences:
1.) Reading bits and pieces of my "therapy" book by Henry cloud while soaking in a hot bath. I feel like I will make progress toward my goal if I continue to put forth effort.

2.) Working in my office with the window open. I felt like I was included in the outside world. Two people were standing on the sidewalk outside talking.

Relishing a normal experience:

Walking out of work, I enjoyed the sun on my face. It was a relief to leave. It was also a relief to know that I had solved a huge problem that I had been struggling with for days. Solving a huge problem is not always a normal experience.

Living in the Now 08/06/2012

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 16:51:00 +0000

I am reading a book by Dr. Henry Cloud called The Law of Happiness: How Spiritual Wisdom and Modern Science Can Change Your Life. An exercise that he reccomends is savor two pleasurable experiences each day and take a few moments to relish a normal experience.

Yesterday was a hard day. It was filled with anger and doubt. Anger with myself for standing still for so long. Doubt on how to move forward, even though I know what part of it is. And I know that it will probably cause me pain.

But in my quest for a Happy life, which I am decidedly not living at the moment, I want to begin these exercises. I have hope that it can change the way that I think.

Pleasurable Experiences:
1.) Geocaching. This was fun because it made me excited about where I am. I was happy and content to explore the area that I had chosen. I investigated new places that I wouldn't have otherwise. For instance, I took some time to walk around a chapel that I had seen from the highway for years.

2.) The sound of a high school marching band in the distance. It gave me this picture of community, and how the students were practicing together for a common goal. How their participation in this group hopefully led to greater satisfaction at school, since they would find friends within this group.

Oh look at this! I am recalling a third memorable pleasurable experience. I didn't even know there was one.

3.) The sound of children screaming and playing on a playground in the distance. In the dusky light, I could see them swinging high on the swing set. So high that they were screaming in delight or fear. I am not sure which. It was a powerful emotion either way. In my mind's eye, I could see them gathering. Sitting around shooting the bull. Or chasing each other on the equipment. I imagined many of them.

Relishing a normal experience:

In retrospect I am relishing this. Petting my dog mira as we lay on the bed ready for sleep. She is so sweet and looks at me with the most sorrowful and trusting eyes.

Tag. You're It

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 04:09:00 +0000

Blatant plagiarism on my part with the post title, by the way.

A childhood friend has a blog called She Loves You and creatively managed to create a blogspot url out of a song name that you would think is completely obsolete. I am impressed. Recently, she tagged me in a game. Here are the rules:

1) Answer the questions posed, 2) make up 11 more questions, and 3) tag 11 more bloggers to answer them.

I don't have many connections to other bloggers, so forgive me if you are not interested in this question/answer game.

1. Do you go out to dinner alone? Concerts? Movies? When you do, do you feel comfortable, or is it awkward?

I do occassionally, go out to dinner alone. I usually don't like it. Going alone reminds me that I am alone. That the person I would have preferred to eat with is not available. That he is too afraid to surprise me with a drop-in visit because of trauma in his past.

Concerts? No.

Movies? I have considered it, but have never gone. Movies aren't that important to me. I'd rather be outside.

2. Are you a "picky eater" or a garbage disposal type? Are there any foods you just won't touch?

When I was a kid, I was a very picky eater. As an adult, no so much. I have tried most western food. Sardines are on my "not palatable" list. I won't eat chicken salad anymore, because I believe it was responsible for a horrible case of food poisoning during a college spring break. Gorrila Pizza, once sampled at a farmer's market in Boulder, CO is on my "never try again" list, as well.

3. Is there something you regret not doing? Why?

A first. Too personal to answer on a blog. Or maybe I am too gun-shy to be honest about that one in such a public setting. Only best friends are allowed in on that topic.

4. Have you ever had "haters" comment on your blog? If so, what did you do? Either way, do you ever worry about readers' responses to what you write?

I have never had a "hater" on my blog. I don't think I say anything that controversial. Occasionally, I have had complaints from a real life person who didn't think I should feel a certain way. I have worried what my readers would think. In the past there were two readers with conflicting agendas, both of whom I liked. If I were with one, the other would complain and vice versa. I am glad that neither read my blog any longer.

5. If you had to choose, would you live in the middle of the city or the middle of the country?

Middle of the country. I've been living in a hellish suburbia for the past 5 years called Lakewood, CO. I can't explain how much I would like to be rid of my neighbors. I am amazed at some of the things that they think are perfectly acceptable as "renters". Yesterday I found a pair of spandex shorts (I am generously not calling them underwear) in our shared stairwell. I snobbishly own my condo.

6. If you had to say, do you think you are an introvert or an extrovert? Do you associate "shy" with introverted?

I am in the middle, according to the Meyer-Briggs assessment. At work I tend to be more social. At home I tend to be more introspective. I am an INFP. I do not associate "shy" with introverted. I associate my comfort level with being by myself. In fact, I get irritable if I don't have alone time. An old acquaintance described this as his "only child" time.

7. If money wasn't a concern, what would you do? Quit your day job? Travel? Exactly what you are now?

I would quit my day job. For sure. I would travel around the state of Colorado and see all of the beautiful things it has to offer. I would write two books. One would be a book of photographs. It would contain places and people. For the places, I would write about how I was touched by this place. For the people, I would tell their story. The second would be the beginning of a series about a girl and her dog. Growing up I always imagined my life would be much better with a dog. I now know that dog I had envisioned as a young child was my late Trinity. I would like to inject her into a story for other little girls to find her.

8. Are you a news junkie or are you blissfully unaware of what's going on until someone mentions it on Facebook or on your favorite blogs?

I am vaguely aware of what is going on around me. I used to be blissfully unaware, but then I realized there were things going on that I didn't want to happen. So I became a little more engaged. Mostly, I don't want to become so involved in the media that I feel angry. I feel like the news is meant to evoke a negative emotion, and I don't like that feeling.

9. If you were stranded on an island but could bring music, what album would you bring?

I have no idea. Probably Sheryl Crow's greatest hits. There's a lot that resonates in her music with me.

10. What are your thoughts on this new Shades of Gray hype? Have you read it?

I have not read it. I have heard about it. I am not sure what my thoughts are, but it does creep me out when someone posts about it on Facebook. Isn't it erotic fiction? I think some people are discovering this genre for the first time. Read The Mammoth Hunters, people. It's pretty graphic and available in your junior high school library.

I'm no prude, and I probably have a better imagination than she does, but if my 13 year old niece mentions it, I am going to be disturbed.

11. How do you feel about plastic surgery? Would you get it? Have you already had some done?

Funny you should ask. I had a splinter in my thigh from a run-in with the retaining wall at my condo complex. It has left a scar. My cousin suggested I talk to a plastic surgeon, since my physician did not think that the scare would heal. I actually thought about it....

My own token 11 questions:

1.) Is there one place in the world that you can go and feel complete and total peace? Describe it.
2.) Where is your favorite vacation spot? What is your mother's maiden name? Place of Birth.... Wait :) Scratch this question.... Over personal :)
3.) Have you ever taken the Meyer-Briggs Assessment? If so, what was your personality type? You can look it up online and take a mini-version if you like.
4.) Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom in life? If so, what did it look like for you?
5.) Seriously, where is your favorite vacation destination?
6.) What is the last thing you worried about?
7.) How many times have you fallen in love?
8.) Would you ever consider going on vacation by yourself?
9.) What is your favorite book and why (okay...that's two questions :)
10.) If you could live anywhere, where would "anywhere" be?
11.) What is the scariest thing you can think of?

Tag, you're it:

She Loves You
WeKnowSnow
Kathy Escobar

If you have a blog that you would like for me to add: I have a spot for 8 more people to tag. Then you can answer the 11 questions and let me know what you think.

Temptation.

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:45:00 +0000

He was a gift I was able to resist. He was my ex-husband re-packaged.

While it's hard to believe another potential man is gone, wrapped up in another relationship, in another way it's a relief to realize that I resisted something that was very enticing, but not right for me.

He lived in a place that I wanted to live. He made lots of money (at least he alluded to this). He was friendly and seemed to have a large external network. He played "host" on many occasions. He was technical. He was living with tragedy in his life. He enjoyed playing. I wanted all of these. But I couldn't fall in love with him just to have them. I needed to be in love with him, to share them.

But on occasions I heard echos of my ex-husband in him. I felt pressure to be with him. From him. And I wanted to. Yet I hadn't developed a physical attraction to him yet. It felt like a dating relationship would be imbalanced. There was neither a physical nor emotional bond, yet he wanted me to date. I put up a boundary and said that I couldn't. For several reasons I couldn't. If I had taken down that boundary, I think we would both be miserable now. Even if there was something that could have been right, that would have been wrong.

Maybe he was on the right track though. As far as the dating thing is concerned. Maybe I should just stay single until the right guy shows up. That way, I would be healed from anything in my past. Or it wouldn't be in my face as it is now.

Mountain Meadows

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 04:09:00 +0000

Well...this isn't the most stunning photo of the day, nor the best I've ever taken. But it leaves me feeling warm. Probably warmer than the day actually was. You see, I love mountain meadows. And I love being there with my dog. The only thing that would make a mountain meadow more wonderful than it already is, would be to share it with the man that I love; wherever he may be.

Late this morning, I was driving myself up the Guenella Pass scenic by way. I visited the pass for the first time about 10 years ago. It's hard to believe that I haven't been back since, considering I spent less than 15 minutes there and wanted so desperately to come back and hike.

Today, I went alone. It was the only choice I had. But as I drove the road by myself, I was glad I took a chance to take this journey by myself. I know it sounds corny, but my heart felt like it was singing to be so close to Colorado wilderness. Really that's all I need. To be close. Or to feel safe with someone else as we travel cross country, off trail.

I like to be away from the crowds, and on this fall day, almost no one was interested in driving a road that peaked in color weeks ago. Even the passing cars were hard to hear over the stream. I felt so lucky.

The road had changed. I remembered it being bumpy and broken. It was a dirt road past a certain point back then. The Ford Explorer was zipping so fast and bumping all over the place, back then, that I feared we might bump right into Georgetown's water supply. But today, the road was smooth. It was rennovated. I had an easy drive to the top and back down. Best of all, even though I was alone, this gave me lots of time to think. To think about the direction my life is taking. I realized, I'm tired of driving these roads alone. I'm tired of hiking alone or wanting to try something new alone.

Of course Mira kept me company. She was a good companion. She always wants to go where I want to go :) And coincindentally will leave when I want to leave :) All kidding aside though, I want a human companion who can share life with me. So that I don't have to do it alone.