adapted from the New York Times Sunday Magazine, March 31, 1912

The Bart Simpson

It is tolerably certain that all day tomorrow the telephone number 3732 Rector will be kept merrily ringing, and that the tired official will have to answer five or six hundred times as good-naturedly as he can the apparently modest query, "Is Mr. Fish in?" [The number is that of the New York Aquarium.]

The Lennie Briscoe

A certain examiner of the local office of the State Department of Insurance was called up to the phone by a stranger. “I don't care to give my name,” so spoke a voice he did not recognize. “But you may tell Superintendent Hotchkiss for me that if he calls on Coffin & Graves at 129 Broadway he can get some important information.” “Hum! ah, yes, quite so!” said the official, who is an Englishman, and withal a courteous and amiable gentleman. . . . The Insurance Department's Offices are on the twenty-eighth floor of the Singer Building. Our English friend rode down the elevator, walked out through the long foyer to the street, and turned south. He counted the numbers as he went along. “One fifty-one,” said he. “147, 135,” and so on to No. 129. That number is about the middle of Trinity churchyard. “Hum!” said the official, “how very odd!” A moment later he struck the iron fence violently with his cane.

The Gowk Hunter

Gowk is a cant name for the cuckoo, and also, by extension, for a fool or a simpleton. The victim is dispatched with a sealed message to some person at a considerable distance from his home. What the envelope contains is simply this familiar couplet: �This is the first of Aprile / Hunt the Gowk another mile.� The person addressed reads the missive, soberly informs the messenger that he is not the right person, or that he cannot perform what is asked, but adds that he knows a friend who is able and willing to comply, so he seals up the message in another envelope, which he addresses to somebody still further away.

The Andre Breton & the Sucking Dove

French people still think it funny to send children for a string to tie the wind with, a stick with only one end, capon�s eggs, an ounce of motherwit in a bottle, and other mythical objects. These may be capped by similar English jests. On every recurrent first of April, some one in Merry England is sure to be sent for a ha�porth of crocodile quills, for bottled sunbeams, for the History of Eve�s mother, for hen�s teeth, stirrup oil, tulip powder or pigeon�s milk. In view of the Shakespearean expression �sucking dove� the latter sounds at first hearing quite plausible.

The Bohemian Rake

[Noted Parisian law student Eugene Bataille, a.k.a. Sapeck, and two accomplices called on the head of a fashionable school for girls.] �Madame,� said Sapeck gravely, �we have called to examine your pupils.� The good lady was surprised. �But for what?� she demanded. �For their singing. We are the inspectors.� �But there must be some mistake,� protested the lady. �The inspector has already been here. He called only last week.� �Yes, Madame,� said Sapeck, �that I know full well. His examination, however, was a purely technical one. The Minister of Public Instruction has decided that all pupils must also be examined from an artistic point of view, and he has delegated us to perform that agreeable task.� Persuaded at last of the stranger�s good faith, Madame summoned her pupils to pass the required examination. Many of the girls were very pretty (Sapeck, the rascal, was only too well aware of the fact!) and the three impostors contrived to make the examination last from three to four hours. Each of the girls was required to sing, and the prettiest of them had their lungs sounded, the beatings of their hearts listened to, and their throats examined. Then wine and other refreshments were served by the head of the school, and presently the three examiners went away, profuse in their praises of the school and their tributes to the artistic qualities of the pupils.

The Man of God

The Elector of Cologne, brother of the Elector of Bavaria, paying a visit to the Valenciennes in the latter part of March, caused it to be announced that he would preach on April 1. The crowd in the church was prodigious. The Elector wandered into the pulpit, saluted his audience, made the sign of the cross and cried out in a voice of thunder: �April Fool!� Then he descended from the pulpit, laughing violently at his own wit while the organ and the trumpets raised a din quite in keeping with the occasion.

The Impertinent Futurist

Children of England retort upon their elders. A hundred years ago they used to say, �Sir, your shoe�s unbuckled.� Today, their successors cry out, �Mister, your shoe�s untied!�

And the Retro Classicist...

A more elaborate piece of waggery has endured up to the present form in practically its original form. �Sir, there�s something out of your pocket.� �Where?� �There!� �What?� �Your hand, sir!�

Footnotes: The article How �April Fool� Originated and Some Famous Pranks, which includes many �old chestnuts of this brilliant sort,� was rediscovered in the NYT archives by photographer and blogger David Friedman. At Sunday Magazine, Friedman republishes the most interesting articles from the New York Times Sunday Magazine from exactly 100 years ago, with added commentary or context. He wrote about the project in an article for Slate. Follow @sundaymagazine on Twitter.

Anti-French opening that sends an Italian army to cross the Alps via Piedmont and another to Venice for additional support later on. Generally considered pro-Turkey, and will almost certainly result in a lengthy Mediterranean campaign against France.

Astonishingly Arrogant Ankaran Assault

An extremely anti-Russian move where Turkey attempts to seize Sevastopol by Fall 1901 or, failing that, prevent Russia from acquiring Rumania. Pompous, as Turkey is not assured of Bulgaria as a usual guaranteed build, and instead opts to throw caution to the wind.

Yorkshire Pudding

An ineffectual novelty opening in which the English player orders all units to Yorkshire in Spring 1901. Created by Diplomacy strategist Denis Jones and inaugurated during a postal game, presumably with disastrous consequences for his prospects as England.

Livonian Lunacy

Russian opening that sends a naval fleet in St. Petersburg�s South Coast to Livonia, in order to distract Germany from attacking Sweden by posing a threat in the Baltic Sea. Questionable strategy: if Russia doesn�t send an additional unit north, Scandinavia will likely fall under English control.

Lepanto

Anti-Turkish collaboration between Austria and Italy, typically with the goal of convoying an Italian army to Smyrna or Syria by Fall 1902. Pioneered by maritime container inspector Edi Birsan and named after a decisive Holy League victory against the naval forces of the Ottoman Empire in 1571 for control of the Mediterranean Sea.

Barbarossa

An aggressive German shift of all available forces to Eastern Europe, in an attempt to attack Russia, probably in conjunction with England. Inspired by the failed Axis invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941, which remains the largest military operation in human history.

K�niggr�tz Freakout

A rare ploy where France attacks a German army in Tyrolia with Italian support, on the understanding that Germany will retreat to either Vienna or Trieste, both Austrian home supply centres. Requires a great deal of trust but can potentially devastate Austria.

The Splits

Bizarre English move that sends fleets to both the English Channel and Norwegian Sea, which leaves the strategically vital North Sea open for business. Does allow England a few interesting options against France, provided that Germany doesn�t exploit the opportunity of a vacant North Sea.

Maginot

Strong opening in which France moves a fleet to the Mid-Atlantic Ocean and uses an army in Marseilles to support an attack on Burgundy from Paris. Ironically named after the French fortifications bypassed by the German army in 1940 during the fall of France. If the English and French players agree to demilitarize the English Channel, it assures France of influence over the fate of Belgium, Spain, and Portugal by Fall 1901.

Octopus

Confrontational, yet defensive Russian opening that frequently results in clashes with Austria in Galicia and Turkey in the Black Sea, as well as an immediate northern push against England. The vast territory of Russia spreads its tentacles in almost all directions.

Footnotes: Racan Souiedan is an M.A. student in history at the University of Victoria whose fiction and creative nonfiction has appeared in Discorder, Narwhal, The Peak, Family Legends, and Sad Mag. He runs the blog Board Gamer in Paradise and frequently can be found rolling dice at tables across the Pacific Northwest. Read about all 1,829 named Diplomacy openings and learn the game at The Diplomatic Pouch.

Ray Dixon

The Strolling Yodeler

Jack Jackson

Thee Mysterious Asthmatic Avenger

Patrick Dedieu

[YouTube video]

The Pavarotti of the Plains

Don Walser

The Jimmie Rodgers of Sierra Leone

S. E. Rogie

The Epiglottis Goddess

Terri Taylor

The Jodlerk�nig

Peter Hinnen

[YouTube video]

The Yodeling Jackaroo

Buddy Williams

The Well-Known Yodeler of the Police Petrol Company

Eddie Giguere

Queen of the Hillbillies

Rosalie Allen

[YouTube video]

The Big Man

Buck Helton

Small Yodel Boy

Manke Nelis

The Cowboy from Vienna

Werner Zotter

The Ramblin� Yodeler

Bill Haley

[YouTube video]

The Yodeling Professor

Tom Hawk

The Texas Troubadour

Ernest Tubb

The Fastest Yodel in Western Music

Curly West

The Yodeling Dominatrix

Manuela Horn

[YouTube video]

The Tennessee Plowboy

Eddy Arnold

The Singing Sourdough

Paul Roseland

The Yodeler with the Velvet Voice

Alfons Zitz

The Yodeling Ranger

Donn Reynolds

[YouTube video]

The Idaho Yodeler

Buzz Goertzen

The Yodeling Woodcarver

Adi Unterberger

Tasmania�s Yodeling Hillbilly

Dick Parry

The Victor Borge of Yodeling

Kerry Christensen

[YouTube video]

Footnotes: Bart Plantenga is the world�s foremost authority on yodeling, author of the classic text Yodel-ay-ee-oooo: The Secret History of Yodeling Around the World (Routledge, 2003) and the forthcoming Yodel in HiFi (University of Wisconsin Press, 2011). His radio show Wreck This Mess has been on the air since 1986, first on WFMU in New York, then Radio Libertaire in Paris, and finally Radio 100 and now Radio Patapoe in Amsterdam, the world�s oldest and most scruffily bearded pirate radio station. He lives in Amsterdam. Listen to his playlists at Mixcloud.

Rocking out today after a long week. Throwing some barrels, handing out some beat downs. Feels good to be back.
\m/ ^_^ \m/

OceanBeach

There is some seriously funky yellow foam out there today.

GGBridge

Dolphins are swimming near the south tower now.

TheRock415

@SFBayBridge @GGBridge two sisters? even hotter.. please see my visiting hours.

SFBayBridge

@TheRock415 Do I look like a girl to you?! Or is that just your prison slang for people you think are weak? Gender equality - it's hot.

OakBayBridge

@SFBayBridge You still won't acknowledge that I exist. Must be the SF smug you breathe all day.

AngelIslandSF

@TheRock415 you've sure got a feisty attitude for such a small island. Overcompensating?

TransAmericaBdg

@YerbaBuena_Isle Are you still mad at them for sticking Treasure Island on you?

YerbaBuena_Isle

@TransAmericaBdg Don't even get me started on that pile of dirt.

SF_Fog

I feel completely abandoned, darlings. These clear cold nights leave me feeling... bereft. Sigh. I miss you, oh but I miss you.

EmbarcaderoFWY

@TransAmericaBdg They may have torn me down, but the legacy of my gray, brutalist facade will forever scar the heart of humanity.

SF_CableCar

Wow, @EmbarcaderoFWY is so emo.

FerryBuildingSF

People could finally see me after @EmbarcaderoFWY was torn down #why90srocked (sorry embarcadero)

TransbayTrmnl

#why90srocked - I still had a newsstand, a couple of bars, a diner and a barbershop

CoitTower

If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. John F. Kennedy, inaugural address, Jan 20, 1961

SF_TwinPeaks

Hello! hope it was the good stuff RT @sparklingama: #smokingweed on @SF_TwinPeaks

SutroTVTower

Please do not camp out in front of me tomorrow. I will not be offering Black Friday deals.

Footnotes: Keep up with San Francisco's hottest landmarks at SF Anthropomorphized, a public Twitter list curated by Dave Schumaker, a.k.a. @rockbandit. (via Burrito Justice)

from the editor's desk

Kettle (birds) : a term for birds circling in the air

January 20, 2008. Thirteen minutes after the article is created, mixed martial arts enthusiast "Gromlakh" proposes it for deletion, on the grounds that kettling belongs in a dictionary, not an encyclopedia. The article's creator pleads for help on the talk page. Nicholson Baker obliges.

Pyro Boy : a California stuntman who straps fireworks to his body

February 2, 2008. Not convinced that appearances on PBS, BBC, and the Discovery Channel qualify stuntman Wally Glenn as encyclopedic material, an anonymous art school student nominates the article for deletion: "Mr. Glenn does not fit the Wikipedia standards for entry." Nicholson removes the tag and responds, dryly, "Proposed deletion would be a mistake." Q.E.D.:

Whitley Neill Gin : obscure gin made from baobab fruit and gooseberries

December 7, 2007, to February 1, 2008. A "non-notable gin" is added to Wikipedia by a suspiciously named Mr. John Neill, and a suspicious editor raises concerns about a conflict of interest. Nicholson adds a newspaper citation and removes the deletion tag, making the world safe for upmarket gin "produced in small batches in an antique copper pot still," with exotic citrus notes and a "fresh, subtle, complex finish."

Drip gas : a naturally occurring form of gasoline

March 6–8, 2008. When an innocent article about liquid gold is nominated for deletion as a "transwikied dictionary definition," Nicholson transforms it into a true encyclopedia entry: drip gas in tractors, drip gas in fuel alcohol, drip gas in Woody Guthrie's autobiography, drip gas in Badlands, and, poetically, drip gas in the deserts and mesas of New Mexico, where the State Police Drip Gas Detail (a.k.a. "three men in pickup trucks") patrolled the oil fields through the Carter and Reagan years, looking for gas rustlers and thieves.

Sankebetsu brown bear incident : a series of bear attacks in Japan in 1915

February 8–9, 2008. Articles translated from foreign sources are often at risk of deletion because the references are sketchy and English speakers don't understand their significance. Sankebetsu was the worst bear attack in Japanese history, inspiring novels, manga, a radio drama, and a stage play, but that isn't enough to satisfy the deletionists, who call the article "a strange mix between horror novel and animal psychology." Nicholson steps in, adds a rescue tag, and rallies others to save the article.

Simon Dodsworth : one that slipped away

January 26–February 3, 2008. Simon Dodsworth was an "unremarkable 16th century farmer," born in Yorkshire, who fought at the Battle of Musselburgh. But you'll never read that on Wikipedia because he's gone. Every article at Wikipedia has a revision history, but when an article is deleted, the history disappears with it, so we don't even know what it said. Nicholson Baker made the final stand: "When the available historical sources are as scarce as they are for the 16th century, anybody with this multiplicity of carefully sifted mentions attains defacto notability—in fact, one of the notable things about Dodsworth to a historian is that he isn't notable. He isn't Thomas Gresham, he's just a man in a certain walk of life who fought in a battle. Keep and nurture this sort of work." But the deletionists prevailed.

Footnotes: Novelist and essaysist Nicholson Baker edited Wikipedia for two months under the username Wageless. He started by sweetening the plot summary of Sleepless in Seattle and philosophizing about time, also known as "glittering granules in a darkened silo." Then he began rescuing articles nominated for deletion, winning some battles and losing others. Track his edits ("diffs") here and read his essay in the New York Review of Books.

In ancient Egypt, there were seven palms in a cubit, one hundred cubits in a rod, and two hundred rods in the 'itrw n skdwt,' literally 'river of towing,' figuratively the distance a boat could be towed on the Nile in one day.

shaftment = 15.24 centimeters

In Saxon England, a shaftment was the height of a thumbs-up sign, from the bottom of the fist to the tip of the thumb, useful for measuring the length of poles and staves, one hand over the other. It was equal to eight digits, two palms, or half a foot.

leap = 2.06 meters

In medieval Wales, the Venedotian Code proclaimed three barley corns in an inch, three inches in a palm breadth, three palms in a foot, three feet in a pace, three paces in a leap, and three leaps in a ridge. (The current world record in the long jump is 1.33 Welsh leaps.)

bamboo = 12.8 meters

In 16th-century India, under the Mughal dynasty, a bamboo was equal to twelve and a half guz. There were four hundred bamboo in a crouh: "Whenever his majesty marches at the head of his armies, or performs a journey, the road is carefully measured with the above-mentioned bamboos, by persons appointed for that purpose, whose accounts are checked by a Darogha and Mushriff."

mutchkin = 426 milliliters

In 17th-century Scotland, a mutchkin was a liquid measure equal to four gills, half a chopin, or a quarter joug, the Scottish pint.

peninkulma = 10.69 kilometers

In 17th-century Finland, a peninkulma was the distance a dog's bark could be heard in clear weather. It was shorter than a paivamatka, the distance of one day's travel, but longer than a poronkusema, the distance a reindeer could travel before needing to urinate.

firkin of soap and of herrings = 36.97 liters

In the English Industrial Age, a firkin was equal to one sixth of a hogshead, a quarter barrel, or half a kilderkin, which is to say, eight gallons. The Young Mathematician's Guide (1794) observed that "a Firkin of Soap and of Herrings are the Same with that of Ale," smaller than a firkin of beer, larger than a firkin of wine.

great batman = 7.4 kilograms

In 18th-century Khwarezmia, a great batman was equal to eighteen funt, or Russian pounds. A lesser batman was 9.25 funt. The batman was used throughout the Ottoman Empire and Central Asia, but its weight varied from place to place.

mark twain = 3.66 meters

On 19th-century American rivers, mark twain was a boatsman's term for the two-fathom mark on a sounding line. One fathom was the span of a man's outstretched arms; two fathoms was the depth at which steamboats could safely navigate a river channel.

Cayawlenen ayliq yuli = 1120.14 kilometers

In 19th-century Tatarstan, cayawlenen ayliq yuli was the distance traveled on horseback in a month of riding.

kyndelmil = 16 kilometers

In 19th-century Sweden, a kyndelmil was the distance a torch could be carried before it burned out. It was equal to one naverskomil, the distance a person could walk in a pair of birch-bark shoes, or roughly one and a half lantmil, the old Swedish mile.

kujirajaku = 37.88 centimeters

In early 20th-century Japan, the kujirajaku was a length of cloth measured with a baleen ruler, the "whale shaku."

double-decker bus = 8.4 meters

Among 21st-century British journalists, lengths were measured in double-decker buses; their American counterparts used football fields. The conversion ratio was 10.89 buses per field. The size of Cambridgeshire was equal to the size of Rhode Island; both were used to measure the size of the Larsen B Antarctican ice shelf, which disintegrated in 2002.

Footnotes: Mathematician Russ Rowlett edits the online resource How Many? A Dictionary of Units of Measurement. See also sizes.com. Metric standards are maintained by the Bureau International des Poids et Measures, established by treaty in 1875, which conducts its activities from the Pavillon de Breteuil. Although the bureau is located within the borders of France, it has extraterritorial status.

taturaaiiwaatista
"I am going to tell a story." Pawnee, a Caddoan language spoken by fewer than ten people in Pawnee County, Oklahoma.

pe: a:n-dE-pE-gEt jarqE pod'ol'E-gEt pojn'a:-s'i:-l tude o:Zi:-gElE jarqEdEn emej oj mi:dE c'uru:d'E
"From the bottom of the mountains, from the whiteness of the ice, our mother Jarxadan quietly carries its shining water downstream." [Listen.] Forest Yukagir, a Paleosiberian language spoken by thirty people in the Sakha Republic of Russia.

nee'éstoonéhk bíi3néhk noh hétniini núhu' hee3éihi' ee3eihi'
"If you do that, if you eat it, then you will be the way we are." Arapaho, a Plains Algonquian language spoken by 200 fluent elders on the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming, and by students of the language immersion school they founded in 2008.

nyingka ngudi-na wangalk, ngoda ngumban-ju burldi-nyarr
"Don't you throw the boomerang, or I'll throw one at you." Kayardild, a Tangkic language spoken by eight people on islands off the northwest coast of Queensland, Australia.

neriki nka henowapa to ka vekon
"Nowadays they cannot speak any more." Baure, an Arawakan language spoken by thirteen people in the Beni Department of Bolivia.

jere'xwa tejāwā'wy hyhy'rwata dutu're txe'hy kahe'hy ka'heta jo'bwatsyhy ha'dytehyhyrwa'hykijāhy
"The jaguar walks in the dark, grabs wild pigs, bites and eats them, and walks while he shits, it is like that." Kwaza, an indigenous language spoken by 25 people in western Brazil.

�tel k�ono mah�nti
"It's a white man's gun, you know." Lake Miwok, an Utian language spoken by three people in Northern California.

Dulumto bäsani olodo bui anči sugzäda anči
"This is the river Dulumtu, where there are neither animals nor fish." Udege, a Tungusic language spoken by forty people in Far Eastern Russia.

O:-sa:go:-hobi lamthi:-ni lo:-t-a
"I feel like hitting the road." Dumi, a Kiranti language spoken by eight people in the Khatang district of Nepal.

Footnotes: The Unesco Interactive Atlas of the World's Languages in Danger maps 232 extinct and 2,465 endangered languages. Half of the world's 6500 to 7000 languages are expected to disappear this century.