The Job Aid is well designed, has a model of different forms of listening styles and how they should be used. At first blush, I thought it was worth the $1.95 per card. Then I looked closely at the content, and once again bridled at the assumptions about listening as a style that governs how we pay attention. My goal here is not to discredit the Job Aid, but it is to surface the differences between Listening as a Habit and as a Style.

Our research indicates that Listening is a Habit formed in our brain, body and emotions. Our brain develops neuropathways around repeated patterns. For example, for self-preservation we’ve learned to look both ways when crossing the street, nod when we agree, and shrink from people who scare us. Situations trigger us to respond; and it’s the formation of those responses that is defined as a habit or a style.

Psychologists define Habit and Style as:

Habit is any regularly repeated behavior that requires little or no thought and is learned rather than innate. A habit is developed through reinforcement and repetition.

Style has been defined as an individual’s relatively consistent inclinations and preferences across contexts. It is a dynamic and organized set of personal traits and patterns of innate behavior.

The stronger the habit, the more we rely upon it, but the good news is a habit can be changed or modified with intention and practice. Whereas, our style is a distinctive pattern that is an organizing principle that changes very little, regardless of context. For example, an Extrovert may seek less stimuli with age, but probably will not become an Introvert.

The beauty of thinking of listening as a habit instead of as a style is that we can learn techniques to modify habits we overuse, and gain access to ways of listening we under-use. For example, a person who listens mainly for facts and ignores feelings misses a large portion of an interaction. By learning to observe body language and tone-of-voice that person will increase awareness of what lies beneath words and data, and alter a habit.

You’ve heard me say so many times that the Listening Golden Rule is: Listen to Others as They Want to Be Heard. That requires us to identify the listening habits we’ve formed, ask if they serve us well, then revise as needed to become a master listener.

I find that it’s torture for others like her to sit in meetings with either expectant eyes on them or being ignored and overlooked. This particular person functions just fine in interactions with just one or two people, it’s in a group where she’s overwhelmed.

We discussed trying a couple of practical tools to make it easier for her to speak up and discourage others from interrupting so often. One of the tools is a Talking Stick. The beauty of it is that the stick controls speaking and listening and allows for more equal participation among everyone—introverts and extroverts.

At the start of the meeting, the host picks up the stick from the center of the participants, reviews the issue at hand and the agenda. The host turns the stick towards the group and someone else picks it up and begins to talk. As long as the person with the stick is talking, everyone else listens. There are no interruptions.

The entire interaction continues with the speaker holding the stick, and then turning it back to the group for another person to speak. At first it’s awkward and artificial to use because most people are used to grabbing the floor by having the loudest voice, strongest opinion, highest rank. Gradually, the group learns to listen patiently until the talking stick is free to pick up. Turn-taking behavior emerges with time and practice.

Back to the introverted client. She really liked the idea of having the stick slow the pace of the interactions. “People speak so fast and about so many different topics that we don’t get a chance to chase down one idea before jumping to something else. We rarely have substantive conversations, and I think we make a lot of mistakes that way.”

I’ve used many variations from creating a ceremony in which everyone on a team is involved in making an actual Talking Stick, much like Native Americans do, to putting everyone’s work-badge in the center for others to pull out when they want to hear from the owner of the badge. Frankly, I’m not sure how it happens, but when a group uses a Talking Stick, their interactions become more measured and thoughtful, participation is more inclusive, and the output is more intelligent and creative.

We don’t usually link the Second Law of Thermodynamics, entropy, a fundamental law of physics, with Listening. That is, until we try to understand why billions of dollars are lost as a result of unproductive work.

The natural state of the world is disorder or entropy, but “entropy can only be overcome by an organizing energy from an external force…We are fighting to show a chaotic world a glimpse of that which provides the only hope for stifling her natural and powerful spiral into disorder.”   J. Matthew Brunson, M.D.

That’s where listening comes in to play. It is the vital skill to stem the tide of counterproductive noise in the system.

Let’s take a very common example: selecting an item to be included in a budget.

Manager: We have some money remaining in the budget. It’s just enough to purchase the project management software we’ve wanted.

Direct Report: That would be great. I’ll talk to the vendor about costs and timing.

At that point it seems as though there’s order. But wait.

Another direct report says the money should go for additional headcount to ease burden on employees, customers lobby for price reduction, and the CFO wants to use the funds elsewhere.

Disorder. There’s no decision, players are frustrated, time has been wasted, and the issue has gotten complex.

Heeding Dr. Brunson’s advice, listening would have supplied sufficient energy to overcome the chaos that arose. The interaction devolved into a Ping-Pong match without any attempt to learn from one another to create shared meaning, the very essence of communication.

Similar scenarios occur constantly throughout a business day, pushing an organization towards chaos instead of pulling it towards sensible order. Following are three pointers to control entropy:

1. Listen to your stakeholders. Look beyond analytics and talk to real people to get at what’s behind the numbers. If you observe demoralized people, don’t hide in your office or ask their manager what’s wrong, talk to the people with the problems. If you’re losing customers, don’t send a survey, go and spend time with them. If the players in the budget item case would have asked some good questions and checked the answers, an informed decision could have been reached efficiently without wasting time and eroding trust in one another.

2. Teach your employees how to listen. Listening is a means, not an end, but it still requires skill to do it well so the process of listening is transparent and the emphasis is on content. The Golden Rule we’ve so often been taught, “Do unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You,” isn’t applicable for listening. Instead, it is “Listen to Others as They Want to Be Heard.”

3. Listen for and monitor the level of organizational entropy. Redundancies, employee and customer turnover, re-dos, too many/too few people copied on memos, active rumor mill, and pipeline inconsistency, are all indicators of disorder that’s already entrenched and doing great harm. One role of a leader is to observe the horizon for signs of emerging entropy, and act swiftly to gain control.

Good listening is an energy-saver and a productivity enabler.

During their performance I observed many lessons on listening that we can apply at work, home, school—anywhere that depends upon our ability to perform at our best.

Transferable musical lessons:

Know the score

Musicians:  Each musician practiced over and over until they knew every note, sign, and sound. They knew the piece cold so they could concentrate on playing together.

Application for the workplace: When we understand the context, people, expectations and our own knowledge, we can concentrate on what’s being said.

Allow for different voices

Musicians: There were six musicians with a range of experience, techniques and interpretations of the music as well as three different instruments with individual sounds. At various times one of the instruments might be most prominently featured, while the others play to support that stronger voice.

Application for the workplace: There are usually several people in an interchange, each with something to say. Turn-taking is crucial to allow for individuals to share a point-of-view or data that is vital to others. No one person should monopolize an interaction, which will drown out others who might have highly valuable information to add.

Follow different leaders

Musicians: My friend Lina Bahn, first violinist, explained that leadership among musicians in this sextet is interchangeable as there’s no conductor, First violinist’s part is usually more demanding than second violin, but all are equally important. Responsibility  is shared by everyone and determined by the music.

Application for the workplace: Sharing the platform is not always easy, especially when we have something we deem important to say. However, understanding that leadership is not a positional right, but an earned platform, allows for the problem or the situation to guide what is said and by whom.

Connect with one another

Musicians: There’s a lot of body language being “spoken” among the members of the sextet. Eyebrows raise, heads nod, bodies sway, and legs move, all actions that encourage fellow-musicians to engage and stay focused. The audience is part of the performance, too. The sextet is energized by applause and appropriate body language (though humming along is not appreciated), so the audience and the performers feed off one another.

Application for the workplace: We learn to read one another’s signals when we’re face-to-face. Emailing will not relay all information that is required to collaborate and make fully understood decisions. Our listening habits are developed in our brain, body and emotions that emerge during interactions. Strive to establish a co-created interaction where it’s a give-and-give (not take) among all communicators.

Acknowledge strengths

Musicians: Because I was watching so closely and at an ideal vantage point, I noticed that when one musician played a particularly demanding passage, a couple of the others smiled slightly or leaned their body and instrument towards their colleague in recognition of work done well. When I asked Lina about that she said acknowledgement of a musical idea is highly valued and greatly appreciated. The musicians can’t miss a beat, so the interaction has to be subtle and brief.

Application for the workplace: Even the smallest recognition makes a difference to people. Listening to someone and saying, “Thanks for making your points in a clear manner” or “I appreciate that you had to learn new software in record time” or even a smile, will probably make that person’s day and will increase the likelihood that behavior will be repeated.

Honor silence

Musicians: A brief period of silence with its own place and quality, is as important as sound. The musicians, briefly at rest, are poised, expectant and ready to resume their “conversation.”

Application for the workplace: Moments of silence give people the chance to think and not feel obligated to fill the space with unnecessary sound. The gift of silence is golden.

Focus on the present

Musicians: More than anything, the success of the sextet comes from their ability to stay focused. But on what—the score, one another, their instruments, the audience, physical comfort? Yes to all, but without losing concentration. They are on alert for what matters, split second by split second.

Application for the workplace: Giving full attention to a single task or person, unequivocally increases the likelihood that the fewer mistakes will be made. When we let go of the myth that we can multi-task and replace it with the knowledge that we can single-task, our listening proficiency will increase.

Whatever the context, consider how you can behave with the same degree of commitment, focus and respect as a sextet whose every performance relies on well-honed listening mastery.

Huan wants some practical tips for how to work with Amanda to channel her questions and ideas, but without losing any of her creativity.

1. The biggest issue lies within the team and Huan, and not Amanda. They do not understand homophily and how their lack of similarity to Amanda’s style impacts their working relationships. So, the first tip is for the team to learn their individual and group listening profiles and become educated about how listening habits form in their brains, bodies and emotions and dictate the way they interact with others.
2. That said there are techniques Huan can use with Amanda. Set listening expectations. If Huan had told Amanda before the team meeting that he needed her to listen as though she was from the FDA, she would most likely have stayed on track. Instead, he proceeded with the ten questions without Amanda knowing her role, which caused her to spin ideas without a framework.
3. Limit the number of questions or ideas Amanda can offer. Again, this is a technique to set parameters. The difference is if a Conceptualizing Listener is told that three great ideas are more valuable than ten mediocre ones, s/he will self-limit and listen for what is most important.
4. Provide Conceptualizing Listeners with note cards or stickies, and ask them to note their questions and ideas on them. Huan wants Amanda’s questions and ideas; however, he might prefer them after a meeting or discussion when he can reflect on them and not be blindsided or overwhelmed like what happened in the team preparation meeting.
5. Don’t always try to rein in Amanda, but hold separate idea-generating meetings when everyone is expected to do what comes naturally for Amanda. It’s important that Amanda has opportunities to shine and for her teammates to stretch their listening and thinking to increase their homophily behaviors to be more like Conceptualizing Listeners.
6. Conceptualizing Listeners are often optimistic and happy, two qualities that every organization needs to value.

The Case:

Amanda, a research scientist in the medical technology field, has an idea-a-minute.  She listens attentively, seemingly only for a short while, then begins to ask a lot of questions and offer ideas.  Her boss, Huan, has told her more than once to stay focused and to listen.  Actually, Amanda can cite almost everything that others said, and the ideas she offers are frequently innovative.  Nevertheless, she can seem inattentive and scattered.

Following is an actual situation that shows Amanda in action.  Huan’s team was preparing to meet with people from the FDA about the status of a new medical device. The company was anxious for the meeting to go well to move the product along in the approval process. For the team meeting, Huan, a very precise and careful manager, prepared a list of potential questions the FDA representatives might ask.

At the team prep meeting, Huan started to read the questions, and as he got to the third one, Amanda asked him to give them some more background on how he came up with the questions, what, if any, did the FDA submit, and who did he gather data from to actually answer the questions. Two of Amanda’s teammates said they were sure Huan did his homework, and they didn’t need to have her questions answered.

Huan with less energy than before, continued with his list, and Amanda sat quietly until the tenth and final question was put to the team. Silence reigned until Amanda, sitting forward and with a pondering tone said, “Have we addressed potential side effects for orphan diseases; and in the third question you said 35% of patients were tested, but in the fifth question you cited a different population, was that also 35%? I’m wondering if the FDA will be concerned with how the weight of the product might need to differ for males, females and children? What if we ask the FDA to brainstorm with us to develop a more exhaustive list for review?”

Eyes rolled, jaws tensed, and feet tapped. Amanda’s teammates didn’t want to hear more ideas and questions, they wanted to move forward, meet with the FDA, and respond to FDA questions rather than take more time to address Amanda’s list that would surely slow the process and might never be surfaced by the FDA.

Huan has asked us how to help channel Amanda’s Conceptualizing listening without losing any of her innovative thinking. What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for him and others who want to know how to interact with Conceptualizing Listeners?

I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.

But, the head of HR calls Marge for advice because she can already tell it will be challenging to get Brad to listen to her. “He’s no different from the other IT folks, and he’s a right fit for us, but since he speaks so highly of you, I’d be most grateful for any advice you can give me.” As an Inner-Personal Listener Marge asks for a day to put her thoughts together. Finally, the next day she sends these tips:

1. Brad cares most about getting something right. He doesn’t need to be right; as a matter of fact, he’s very good at dispassionately examining an issue, but he does need to get to a right answer. So, tell him what you are following in his line of thinking, ask him how he got there, and be very open in your line of questioning—no drilling allowed. And above all, come prepared with facts or he’ll ignore you.
2. Speaking of ignoring you. I learned that when Brad’s paying attention he’ll take a posture like Rodin’s The Thinker. But, when he stops listening, he physically cuts away, maybe by writing, looking at something/someone else, rifling through papers. He rarely looks people in the eye, even when he’s paying attention. He does signal attention by nodding or pointing his finger in agreement.
3. Stay away from feelings. Brad will sacrifice a worthwhile discussion if it gets too personal or emotional. He once told me that feelings are better left at home.
4. It’s also possible that Brad will either linger too long on his search for the perfect amount of data, thus creating analysis paralysis, or he’ll take precipitive action in his desire to move on. Either way, he can be impatient. So, I learned early on to set the stage for our interactions by asking him what he wants, why, and what I could do to satisfy his needs. Then, during our interaction, I’d ask if he was getting what he wanted.
5. Most of all, I’d say you’ll never go wrong offering him coffee, he drinks a lot of it throughout the day, with a heaping plateful of data and facts.

If you have thoughts about the similarities, do share them with us.

The Case:

Brad was once in Marge’s (first case and an Inner-Personal Listener) department and he really enjoyed working with her. Brad was a contract employee and lost his job when the contract ended. Marge tried to keep him, to no avail, but she did help him get a full time IT job with a vendor.

In an unusual move, Brad asked Marge to lunch, not to thank her, but for a different reason. He wants her to help him understand himself better so he can have as good a relationship with his new colleagues as he did with Marge. At first she was reluctant, but then Marge thought it might be good training for her to be more forthcoming, and she does like Brad.

Marge describes Brad as detailed, fact-driven, precise, and impersonal when he listens. She says, “Sometimes I wondered if there would ever be enough data to satisfy your desire to get something just right. You could be exasperating, but rarely misinformed or wrong.” Characteristically, he asks her to cite examples and sits back, head in hand, to listen to as many as she can provide. Brad doesn’t react or defend; he listens to her words as information, not words about his character.

At the end of their lunch Brad thanks Marge and asks her to give him advice about what to tell his new colleagues about how best to interact with him.

What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Brad as he prepares others to interact with him?

I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.

So, here we are, coaches, to help Iain interact effectively with Manuel, and the sooner the better before any negative patterns develop between them. That is more apt to happen when people work virtually. Following is some advice for Iain as he prepares to talk face-to-face with Manuel about how they will work together effectively.

1. Manuel is concerned about people, so that’s the place to start. Listen to what he asks about the impact of information or decisions on others. Openly share what and whom you know and offer to make connections.
2. It will be a challenge for Manuel to work virtually because he likes to be in the midst of a team. Get clear about how often he wants to communicate, how, for how long, with whom, and for what purpose. Extra-Personal Listeners need people to listen to, so don’t isolate him.
3. Slow Manuel down by using questions. Extra-Personal Listeners have a tendency to think on their feet and can be very talkative. By asking questions of Manuel when you’re listening, he has to slow and think. That will give you both time to pause, something that you desperately need, for you to translate what Manuel is saying into your own interests or ideas, and for Manuel to reflect. It’s crucial that you take sufficient time to come to mutual understanding of issues, concerns, ideas before ending an interaction.
4. Use “we/us” to show you’re thinking of others while at the same time establishing a relationship between you two.
5. Adapt your body language to mirror his. Extra-Personal Listeners are the ones who are most likely to look you in the eye to show they’re connecting. Their voice patterns and body language are animated, and they can even seem loud to you. Match your energy to make yourself seem familiar to Manuel.

The Case:

Manuel is an Extra-Personal Listener and serves on the global marketing team. He wants to know how information, experience, ideas, and decisions apply to others. He asks about relevance, impact, values, relationships, culture, and he wants to talk about those issues—immediately.

People often have mixed reactions about Manuel. Some find his exuberance to be inviting while others are overwhelmed by it. Everyone does agree that he’s not afraid to show his feelings and cares more about people than numbers. Manuel is known throughout the organization as a connector. He pays attention to the needs of customers, peers, direct reports, vendors, and definitely, management, and tries hard to see that their needs are met.

Manuel has been temporarily assigned to a new project headed by a team leader, Iain, a Scot and a stranger to Manuel. Iain thinks you know Manuel well enough to give Iain some tips about how best to interact with Manuel, especially because about half of their interactions will be virtual.

What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Iain as he prepares for his time with Manuel? That is, how do you develop homophily between the two?

I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.