listophelia

repost - my top ten comfort movies from childhood

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 01:45:00 +0000

this post was originally published in november 2010, but tonight i was thinking about all the movies i love and was all "i should write a blog post about all the movies i love the most" and then it turns out i already did it. so now, because of my terrible memory, you get to read it again.

maybe someday i'll write an actual real new blog post! then won't you really be excited!

so this might be something that you can totally tell from reading this blog, but i like what i like. and what i mean by that is, when i like something, i REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE IT to the point where it becomes almost ridiculous. like bacon. or roller coasters. i will listen to the same song over and over and over, i will watch the same episodes of the same shows over and over and over, i will eat the same meal over and over and over (and over and over and...)

when i was a kid, nowhere was this personality quirk (yes, i said "quirk." not "flaw." "quirk.") more apparent than in my choice of movies. between the ages of, say, 8 and 15, i probably only watched about 10 different movies in total -- i just watched them over and over (and over and over...) i found new movies stressful. i wanted to not have to worry about what was going to happen. and now that i'm all grown up and i try to be normal and try new things, when i'm by myself and there's no one there to judge me i'm back watching the same movies again. and although my tastes have changed (some of the movies on this list are embarrassingly bad) the intention is the same: don't surprise me. just give me the character i love, doing that same awesome thing for all of eternity. the end.

airplane - so recently, airplane was on tv. and i tried to explain to cory that this was basically the only movie i ever watched for an entire year, until it got to the point where my mom didn't even ask me anymore what movie i wanted to rent when we went to halifax video (halifax video! come on you old school halifax peeps! HALIFAX EFFING VIDEO!) so he was like okay, let's watch it. then he fell asleep. which totally did not stop me from going "omg, omg, this part is so funny!" or saying "i am serious! and don't call me shirley" along with leslie neilson. but you guys, underneath all that enthusiasm was a little bit of sadness. because that movie just isn't funny anymore. i don't know if it's just because the jokes are dated, or because my sense of humour has evolved (okay, it can't really be the last one, cause i still like stupid movies. lucky for you, will farrell) but i'm pretty sure i was just laughing to cover up my tears. although that part with kareem abdul jabbar and the kid in the cockpit is still pretty funny. and that part when ted striker develops his drinking problem! oh, and that little girl who takes that coffee black, like her men! oh, and... whatever. i can tell you're already asleep.
clue - i played clue pretty obsessively as a kid, to the point where i had an elaborate cheating scheme devised that i'm not even going to tell you about because then it would ruin clue for you forever. but the best part of the movie was that they totally cheated, too, because they gave you three different endings! a movie after my own heart. i can remember being 11 or 12 and having to rent clue on beta before i went to babysit the kids across the street, and then actually getting scared while watching it because i was, and still am, a giant wuss.
say anything - say anything, along with the other usual suspects (pretty in pink, sixteen candles, dirty dancing) was a slumber party staple when i was in elementary school. (we actually had a slumber party club, called the i love scott club, the sole purpose of which was to have a sleepover once a month and, well, call scott. then watch a movie and eat popcorn. because what else would you follow up calling scott with?!) the only movie that made it past that period, for me, besides a brief stint in first year university when me and my roommates would watch the breakfast club almost every day, was say anything. in fact, it was only a few years ago that i got in an argument with a giller-nominated author about whether or not lloyd dobbler was, indeed, the perfect man. don't freak out, but she said he might not be.
speedy gonzales - i've talked about this before, but when i was a kid me and my sister would make cheddar cheese microwave popcorn and watch speedy gonzales. and for a long time i thought we must have had, like, seven speedy gonzales tapes. but no. no. it was just one. one speedy gonzales tape. that we watched EVERY NIGHT. and now, looking back, i wish i hadn't taken it for granted back then because just try to find a speedy gonzales cartoon out there. and yeah, negative stereotypes and blah blah blah but i say, holy crap, he was THE FASTEST MOUSE IN ALL MEXICO! screw negative stereotypes, i was IN LOVE WITH HIM!
the princess bride - i remember the first time i saw the princess bride. i was probably about ten and my mom took me and erin to see it at the oxford and afterward we went to mcdonald's on quinpool and i got an animal muppet baby, which was the coolest muppet baby of them all. but to be honest i didn't start re-watching it until later in life. and this is mostly because it's the only movie heather ever wants to watch when she's drunk. obviously we are soul mates. (hey, heather, remember that time we were walking back from the bar and i was like "what do you want to do now?" and you were like "oh, go home and watch the princess bride, but first stop at the grocery store and buy some bacon." yep. soul mates.)
highway 61 - here are some things you need to know about the movie highway 61, because i guarantee you have never, ever seen it: a) no one else has ever seen it, either b) you shouldn't see it, because it is, in retrospect, kind of terrible c) it's the only canadian movie on this list d) it has a cameo by jello biafra! which, when i was 14, was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen e) it was the first movie i ever saw at wormwood's (old school halifax peeps? you still there? WORMWOOD'S?) f) it made me obsessed with new orleans for, like, ten years g) i take it back, WATCH THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW IT IS FUCKING AMAZING. oh, ps, in the craziest coincidence ever, I NOW LIVE OFF OF HIGHWAY 61. thank you, bruce macdonald.
rocky horror picture show - a disclaimer: for someone who has watched rocky horror probably close to a hundred times, i have never, ever been to a live screening. which is a total shame, cause i think i would make a kick-ass magenta. i just haven't found a date willing to go out of the house in his underwear. and yes, i know it's a little weird to have this movie on a list of COMFORT MOVIES. FROM CHILDHOOD. what can i say, i was a weird kid.
rushmore - oh, rushmore. sometimes i forget how much i love you. then you come on tv and i watch you again and remember. and then, if it's on one of those channels that gets the rights to a movie and then plays them over and over (and over and over...) and sometimes even back to back, i'll watch you until they stop playing you. and then i'll watch your clips on youtube, probably reciting lines along with you. no jokes: i know all the lines from the dinner party scene. and i'm not one of those people who can remember lines from movies, like, ever. also, i know i was not really a kid the first time i saw this movie. but i fell in love with it with a BEGUILING CHILDLIKE ENTHUSIASM, okay?!
girls just wanna have fun - back in the days when i was actually capable of looking at sarah jessica parker's facefor more than thirty seconds, i was in love with this movie. you see, these girls did EXCITING THINGS while my life remained INCREDIBLY BORING. why couldn't i sabotage a mean girl's party by handing out invitations to punks at the mall? why couldn't i have a super strict army dad whose ridiculous rules made even just hanging out with my friends an adventure in subterfuge? AND WHY COULDN'T I AUDITION FOR A DANCE SHOW?! oh, right. because in real life, there are no dance shows. well, thank god for dance movies, then.
strictly ballroom - ahem. speaking of dance movies. have i mentioned that this one is THE BEST DANCE MOVIE OF ALL TIME? this is because it combines all three of my favourite movie genres in one: it's a comedy! it's a mockumentary! it's a dance movie! IT'S A COMEDANCEUMENTARY!

okay, now i have this weird feeling that i already did a "top ten best final dances in dance movies" post, but i can't find it. maybe i just thought about doing it? or maybe i just sat here and watched this clip over and over and over (and over and over...) until i forgot what i was doing.

top ten ways to stay cool in your house

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 20:37:00 +0000

you guys HAD BETTER BELIEVE i'm resurrecting my blog, and it's mostly to post about something that's super practical and important and the foremost (okay, ONLY) thing on my mind right now. you know how whenever you hear about people giving you tips about how to stay cool in the summer, they mean OUTSIDE. you know, like, stay in the shade, drink lots of water, go inside if you get too hot. but you guys what if it's actually hotter IN YOUR HOUSE than it is outside? never fear, because i have all the experience on my side in this one and i am about to give you some AMAZINGLY HELPFUL pointers to help you get through the hellish apocalyptic inferno that is a central canadian summer.

run your hands and feet under cold water and hold them in front of a fan. i find that cool extremities=cool the rest of you, for a few moments, anyway
periodically stick your head in the freezer to "look" for something. take a really, really long time looking for it.
stick other things in the freezer too, like your underwear or your laptop pillow. the more frozen things against your skin, the better.
wrap yourself in a bunch of clothes and blankets, get REALLY REALLY SWEATY, and then let the sweat cool you down (i have never actually tried this, you guys, but theoretically it would work, right? i mean, after a while? if you have the patience?)
drink lots of water. you might think i'm just recycling this advice from outside-coolness techniques, but really what i'm telling you is DRINK LOTS OF WATER. REALLY REALLY COLD WATER. REALLY REALLY FAST. LOTS AND LOTS. try not to drown yourself, though, if that's really a thing.
for diy air conditioning, put a bowl of ice in front of your most powerful fan. then stick your head in that bowl of ice because IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. so screw you, internet.
keep all your blinds closed. turn your house into the fucking batcave. this sounds totally counter-intuitive to an east coast girl like me, where it's like if you're hot you open the window. but even if it's a bit cooler outside than in, if there's sun streaming in through the window it is going to turn your house into a little fucking brick oven. keeping the blinds closed also lets you
take off all your clothes. i mean come on, you're sitting in your batcave by yourself with dripping wet hands and feet and your head in the freezer. you already look crazy. you might as well be naked while you do it.
don't live in a brick house, first of all. but if you do live in a brick house, hose down the bricks and leech some of the heat out of them. now, i don't really know if this actually works, but it makes you feel proactive and it's fun to see how many seconds it takes for the water to evaporate from the bricks. (it's science!)
don't move unless you absolutely have to. sit as still as possible. don't get excited or anxious or anything else that'll get your heart rate (and your temperature) up: for instance, don't read blog comments, facebook stalk your ex, watch stressful television shows (this is why there's no hockey in the summer! okay, fine. that and the lack of ice). don't talk to your mom on the phone, fight with your boyfriend, or watch first-person pov roller coaster videos. read quiet, boring fiction. watch murder she wrote. practice being one with the heat. or, you know, at least your couch.
BONUS: get drunk and pass out. just kidding. OR AM I?

amy's top ten rules of dog park etiquette

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 03:09:00 +0000

i spend A LOT of time in dog parks, you guys. and even though there is the inevitable set of rules already posted outside, i feel like maybe they missed a few things.

acceptable things to say to other dog park people: a) your dog is so cute! b) what kind is he? c) how old is he? d) heard it might snow today.
unacceptable things to say to other dog park people: a) would you mind picking that up for me? b) it's funny, he only ever seems to get those around younger women c) so, is there a mister fido's owner? d) i live in my car.
if your dog is humping another dog, it is desirable to make at least cursory overtures to stop him. something like "hey. hey, come on now. at least do it on the right end" will show you care while making people laugh, as well as possibly relieving some of the sexual tension between you and the owner of the dog being violated, who will inevitably be the "mister fido's owner" guy.
unlike, say, a children's playground, it is acceptable if you want to come into the dog park without a dog, and stand around exclaiming at the adorableness of the dogs, pet their heads, scratch their bums, and/or give them treats. no one will think you want to have sex with the dogs.
if your dog is particularly slobbery, the classy thing to do is bring a towel to clean off the heads of the dogs he is playing with before it hardens to a texture akin to hair gel.
snide remarks from one dog owner to another dogs owner about a third, unrelated dog owner are acceptable only if the third, unrelated dog owner has a faux hawk, is wearing multiple gold chains, or has ever used the phrase "yous guys."
if you bring a ball, expect that other dogs will play with it. if you bring a dish of water, expect that other dogs will drink it all. if you bring a pocket full of treats, expect a bunch of canine noses down your pants.
just because your dogs are best friends, doesn't mean that you are.
if your dog pees on another dog, it is okay to laugh about it, but it is not okay to make golden shower jokes.
if your dog pees on an actual person, saying "he must have mistaken you for a tree" is not the acceptable response. the golden shower joke should go without saying.

seventeen things i learned about disney

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 05:22:00 +0000

if you follow me on twitter (and if you don't, why not!?!), you might be wondering what has happened to my "things i hate about porter airlines" post with which i claimed i would resurrect my blog. and while the sentiment still vehemently holds true (why, why, why is there nothing to eat at their airport except almonds and disgusting shortbread cookies?!), i just can't bring myself to return to listophelia after all these months and post something so negative. also, i went to disney a couple of weeks ago and i want to talk about that, mostly because i didn't get nearly enough jealous comments on my facebook photos about how awesome our vacation looked and how lucky we were. but don't let this discourage you from following me on twitter, you guys; honestly, i only tweet-lie once in a while, when it is most convenient for me.

universal studios might be where all the big roller coasters are, but disney is where the magic happens.
okay, there might be a little bit of magic at univeral, mostly in the form of a roller coaster where you can choose the music you listen to while you ride it, and another one that shoots you up into a corkscrew, and also hogwart's. but it's not the same kind of i'm-in-another-world magic, the kind of magic that, even though you fancy yourself a cynic, makes you jump up and down and clap your hands like an insane, sugar-saturated five year old when the parade goes by AND MICKEY WAVES TO YOU, OH MY GOD.
part of this magic--the sinister part!--includes making you want to buy everything. okay, so maybe i am a bit more suggestable than the average human being, but I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO BUY EVERYTHING. and as you might already know about me, i HATE buying things. but, like, we came home with salt and pepper shakers shaped like mickey ears. SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS! SHAPED LIKE MICKEY EARS!
every disney park has fireworks every night (except animal kingdom, cause it closes early to put the animals to bed) and they're all different and YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL OR ELSE YOU'RE TOTALLY MISSING OUT. same goes with the parades. it doesn't matter if you've been to three parks already and it's 40 degrees in the shade and you've ridden the tower of terror 7 times and you just want to go home, you have to go stake out your vantage point for an hour (or, in the case of the fantasmic show at hollywood studios, sit on a super hard bleacher with 20000 other people) and wait until 9pm. and it is totally, totally, totally worth it.

they do this EVERY NIGHT
disney runs not just like a well-oiled machine, but like a machine from a distant future in which machines do not even need oil but instead run on the laughter of small children. and the more you try to figure out how this shit is happening, the harder they try to distract you. LOOK OVER HERE LOOK LOOK LOOK and suddenly the set has changed and instead of being in a 19th century russian palace, you are on the moon. and here's the craziest thing--and don't ask me how it works, because there are about 700 parking lots and roads and turns and barriers and fences, but when you leave the parking lot they all cheerily tell you to "follow the arrow" like there's only one arrow, and then it's like there is only one arrow and then you are on your way home. okay, maybe it's not that weird, but come on, it's that weird, right?
the people who work at disney are basically contractually obligated to be ridiculously nice to you. like, i'm pretty sure you could smush an ice cream cone against their face and they would smile and ask if there is anything else you need. they all wave at you, no matter what, and if you're staying at a disney resort and you're wearing one of the buttons they give you that say MY FIRST VISIT or IT'S MY BIRTHDAY or JUST MARRIED, they will say "enjoy your first visit!" or "happy birthday!" or "congratulations!" as is appropriate every time, without fail, no matter what (and for the record, it was my first visit and it was my birthday, and if i had been staying at a disney resort i would have worn both buttons just to make them say both things every time).
even with all the massive amounts of magic, there are moments when disney is totally unintentionally creepy. i think it's all the animatronics. in particular, the it's a small world ride kind of made me feel as though those little dancing international children were going to spin right off their platforms and murder me in my little boat, all the while singing "it's a world of laughter, a world of tears..."
and even though it is the happiest place on earth, there is always going to be a kid screaming because he doesn't like his ice cream and he wants his sister's instead. or several thousand of them. although i will admit that there is a level of tantrum that can be reached in a child where one can seem like a thousand.
on the topic of kids: eventually, you will start seeing strollers not as vehicles for adorable happy children, but as FUCKING BATTERING RAMS. seriously, nothing against the average stroller user but in vast hordes, they can seem terrifying. and i have never in my life seen as many strollers in one place as i did at disney world.

it's like that first scene in saving private ryan, but with strollers
for the record, if you are threatened by one of these stroller wielding crazy people, just back away slowly. you can't fight them. they will just run you over and then scream at you in spanish. which brings me to number ten:
cory and i thought we were so clever going to disney the week after school started, but as we quickly found out, although it may be back to school time in north america, in the entire latin american world it's BRING YOUR KIDS TO DISNEY time. it wasn't packed, exactly, just not nearly as quiet as we thought it would be. also, instead of giant families of americans wearing matching CONNOR FAMILY ROCKIN' DISNEY ADVENTURE 2011 and saying y'all all the time, everyone was speaking spanish and the moms were hot.
the best roller coaster at disney is expedition everest at animal kingdom. the second best is rockin' roller coaster at hollywood studios, even though they force you to listen to aerosmith before, during, and after the ride. space mountain is scary because you feel like any moment it might actually fall apart. thunder mountain is kind of boring. test track isn't exactly a roller coaster but it's fun as hell. and the best ride hands down at any disney park is tower of terror. maybe best ride ever at any park. no jokes.
not so much about disney, just a general note about florida: they LOVE drake. like, to the point where it was kind of ridiculous. every morning when we got in the car, they were playing drake. every night when we got back in the car, they were playing drake. when we went to a restaurant, they were playing drake; when we went to bed at night, drake was in our dreams and in our nightmares.
someone else who was in my dreams and my nightmares was stacey.

this is the 2010 version. in the 2011 version, if you can believe it, she was PEPPIER.
no matter what channel you left your tv tuned to when you turned it off, when you turned it back on, it was playing must do disney with stacy. on a loop. an endless, endless loop. and sometimes you would turn it on and be so mesmerized that you would watch it for a good solid ten minutes before you even realized you were watching it, and not only that, but it was ALWAYS ON THE SAME PART where she was talking about the gorilla at animal kingdom and how "he kinda looks like my uncle phil!" no wonder, when you google "stacey hotel disney" the fourth link from the top is this.
don't go to the canada pavilion at epcot. they will try to sell you something called a "north bay smoothie" which i think might actually be moonshine and beaver shit, and they will try to make you watch a movie about voyageurs or something starring martin short. and they will try to convince you that this is a real, authentic canadian band:

they rocked
actually, i think that basically goes for every nationality: don't go to your own country's pavilion. your girlfriend might make you pose for a picture similar to this:

disney does canada
epcot is NOT entirely inside the giant golf ball. not that anyone would ever think it was.
the pineapple soft serve is amazing, and the pineapple soft serve/pineapple juice float is also amazing, but the vanilla soft serve/pineapple juice float is the best one of all.
there is a place at disney to take your dog, called, like, best friends pet palace or something like that. but don't tell morgan, he'd be devastated.

google searches on my blackberry

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 05:00:00 +0000

it's like a little mini tour of my life! oh, and the dumb arguments i get into.

boston bruins
new
bananas
chloe grace moretz
post picture to twitter iphone
buffalo wild wing locations
blackwoods grill duluth
texas roadhouse
shrove tuesday
perkins
duluth weather
foley artist assassin's creed
rock 94 thunder bay
carrie's corner thunder bay
what did harry say to william?
blake mcgrath stage fright dancer
metric conversion
halti
canada dry
target center capacity
air canada centre capacity
rogers centre capacity
can sheep swim?
adele lawsuit ex boyfriend
aging or ageing?
snb hockey team
wasabi thunder bay
dog chocolate
ounces in a pound
grams in a pound
dog chocolate poison
thunder bay movie times
are there any jewish mexicans?
mother's day 2012
super bowl 2011
tighten up
work in culture job board
behemoth height
flying mammals
poutine planet thunder bay
obama assassinated
skype for blackberry
marvin st halifax
the tudors henry's advisor beheaded
tim mcgraw and faith hill divorce
henry house halifax menu
rheumatologist thunder bay
salvation army thrift store halifax
beer and clamato name
air canada luggage restrictions
obsequious

top ten things i hate about this particular blog post already, even though i haven't even written it yet

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 10 May 2011 03:21:00 +0000

i really hate those blog posts where people are all "here are the reasons i haven't written a blog post in a month."
i also really hate the fact that i am about to show you a picture of my puppy. it just seems kind of like the internet equivalent of batting my eyelashes at you.

hey guys i have a stick AND NOW YOU WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT AMY'S CALLOUS DISREGARD FOR YOUR INTERNET NEEDS.
i hate that there are tonnes of other bloggers out there with puppies. even children! and they are way more disciplined than me.
i hate that i have to tell you this, but some days i would just look at my puppy and then i'd look at the computer and i'd think "puppy or blog"? but, i mean, really.

take me outside take me outside take me outside
i hate that when i am having a conversation with someone, sometimes i realize that even though i am smiling and nodding and pretending to be super interested in everything they have to say, i am secretly inside my head going "puppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppy".
i hate that i ate the world's most giant hamburger and I DIDN'T EVEN TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT IT.

this is a real burger that you can buy at a real store. for serious.
i hate that by now you've all seen the full-length version of the beastie boys video, the giggling penguin video, the video with the talking dog and the bacon, and the lonely island video with michael bolton, and i have no more videos to show you.
i hate that i didn't blog about the election, the royal wedding, or the penguins getting eliminated by tampa bay in the playoffs. for the record: sucky, SUPER AWESOME FANTASTIC SPARKLE FAIRIES, and more sucky.
i hate that even as i'm writing this and thinking of a million other blog posts, i can't make any promises that i won't disappear again for a month. that's just how i roll these days, you guys. i'm mysterious. deal with it.
i hate that i'm going to show you another cute puppy picture. WHAT?

i'm really excited we're on a car ride, you guys. i'm just going to take a nap back here for a minute.

top ten signs that it might possibly almost be spring in thunder bay

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 17:12:00 +0000

i don't want to jinx anything you guys, cause we might get 15 inches of snow this weekend (btw, environment canada says on friday it's going to be +3 and rain, but on saturday it's going to be +6 and snow. how does that work again?) but there are a few signs, around our house anyway, that spring might actually be coming this year (and believe me, there were times that i thought maybe this was it, the never ending winter. but that could just be because i'm re-reading a game of thrones and feeling particularly apocalyptic). but, take note:

in the morning, my car starts on the first try
i no longer hear the sound of snowmobiles ripping up and down the trails late into the night
when we came back from walking in the woods the other day, riley's fur was covered in mud instead of ice balls
the thought of leaving the house at night does not make me want to cry
the windows are open and i'm not about to die of hypothermia
i can see all the pine cones on our front lawn that i didn't pick up last fall
i no longer crave beef stew and macaroni and cheese (okay, fine. maybe macaroni and cheese)
i've been wearing my new wedges around the house
i'm pretty sure someone had a bonfire the other day
people have started talking about gardens in casual conversation (not me, mind you. but people)

my top eight most nostalgic foods

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:25:00 +0000

so last night on top chef, they had the contestants cook something that represented their ancestry. they had genealogist come on and give them their family background, and then their actual family come on and talk about things they used to eat at family dinners and whatever.

so, i'm obviously never going to be on top chef but like always i started to panic thinking, holy crap, what could i possibly make for this challenge? what i was fed growing up was basically a combination of down on ye olde nova scotia farm and haute suburban freezer gastronomie which, the more i thought about it, is kind of awesome. i mean, imagine padma sitting down to a plate of jello-mayonnaise salad, trying not to gag when i started telling her all about how my great grandparents used to basically squirt milk straight from the cow onto their oatmeal.

don't throw up, padma. embrace your revulsion. it's part of the experience.

jello-mayonnaise salad - i had to get this one out of the way first, as i'm sure you all still have the image clearly embedded in your head (and maybe you always will. who knows). sorry mom, but everyone thinks this is GROSS. and for the record, i didn't think it was gross, when i was growing up--i just thought it was what everyone ate, cause i was a kid and I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. i mean, individually, all the ingredients were good. you've got your little iceberg lettuce leaf on the bottom, as a holder. fine. then you have a layer of jello, preferably strawberry--also fine, if not a little weird on a salad. then a healthy spoonful of cottage cheese, cause WE'RE TRYING TO BE HEALTHY HERE. and, on top of the cottage cheese, the crowning glory of this dish: a huge, wet, sloppy dollop of mayonnaise.
catalina dressing - when i was a kid, i thought catalina WAS dressing. you know, the way salt is salt or butter is butter. there were no different kinds of these things, they just were (although now my supermarket sells, like, twenty seven different kinds of salt, so maybe i was wrong about that, too). not only that, but there was also only one kind of green salad. it was iceberg lettuce, topped with tomatoes, celery, cucumber and maybe radishes. it was in a big wooden bowl with a big wooden fork and a big wooden spoon and you put it in a smaller wooden bowl, never on your plate. that was just how it went. and then one day we went out for dinner at hogie's (HOGIE'S? RIGHT, HALIFAX?) and instead of having chicken nuggets and fries or whatever i would usually have, i had a steak. and it came with a salad. and that salad came with MANDARINS ON THE SIDE. also, the waiter asked me what kind of dressing i wanted and i just kind of stared at him blankly. sort of like if i went to a restaurant now and they asked me what kind of salt i wanted. which might happen someday, you never know.
bologna - at our family meal table, a slice of bologna totally counted as the protein part of our meal. my favourite part of fried bologna, though, was how they turned into little hats in the frying pan. my second favourite part of fried bologna is that it TASTES TOTALLY GREAT! EXCELLENT!

another taste of my childhood!
i seriously can't tell you how excited i am to finally get to post this commercial on listophelia. now to just come up with a "top ten skin care products from my childhood" so i can post that oil of olay one with bugsy brown.
hodge podge - okay, this one is kind of cheating because when i was a kid, i HATED hodge podge. i mean, it was VEGETABLES, EW. but now, i love it, and i make it all the time, all the time being the five minutes of the year that i can get all the required baby veggies fresh from cory's dad's garden. that's because the secret of hodge podge (other than the butter and the cream, obviously) is that the veggies have to be either a) from your garden or b) someone else's garden. which means little baby carrots from the farm market are okay; little baby carrots in a bag from the grocery store are not. i also enjoy making hodge podge because if someone's like "what the hell's hodge podge?" i can say "don't worry, it's a maritime thing, you wouldn't understand." sort of like blueberry grunt or greco pizza or bruce frisko's hair.
mussels - so you might be saying to yourself "whatever, amy, mussels aren't unusual or gross in any way, what's the deal, anyway" and to that i say "haha, you don't know my family. we can make even the most normal things weird." example: have you ever heard of something called red tide? it's an algae that can cause something called paralytic shellfish poisoning, and was the reason that the shellfish harvest was closed from june to september in st. margaret's bay. BUT WHAT DID WE CARE ABOUT PARALYTIC SHELLFISH POISONING, YOU GUYS? we happily ate mussels harvested from our beach all summer long. we cooked them in a giant pot, spread out newspapers over everything, and drowned them with butter, and us kids would try to see who could collect the most pearls (mostly by cajoling the adults who broke their teeth on them to give them to us). maybe we were too busy with those to notice the "numbness or tingling in lips and tongue, which spreads to the fingers and toes, followed by a loss of muscular co-ordination and the inability to breathe" which the dfo tells me we may have experienced. PFFT.
mom's spaghetti - everyone loves their mom's spaghetti, even when they're, like, vomiting it up before big rap battles or whatever. but you guys, you have not tried my mom's spaghetti. the first three ingredients in her sauce are KETCHUP, BROWN SUGAR AND WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. if you think this sounds more like barbecue sauce, you are right. it tastes exactly like barbecue sauce, with green peppers and mushrooms in it. slop it over some white spaghetti with a few meatballs and parmesan cheese (the kraft kind in the plastic jar, or "shakey cheese" as we called it) and you have my favourite childhood meal. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE the first time i had spaghetti at a friend's house. i thought i was on another planet.
swansen's tv dinners - when i was little, my mom was in and out of the hospital a lot (or maybe it was just once, but i remember it so well it was like it happened all the time). and i LOVED it when she would go. this might sound morbid and also evil, but it's not, you guys, because a) i didn't understand that the hospital was a bad place and b) my dad would look after us and he would feed us TV DINNERS! oh, you guys. i can still taste that soggy fried chicken, that weirdly smooth little triangle of fake potato with the little yellow streak of butter in it, the apple cobbler thing in the middle that we ALWAYS saved til the end, even though it was sitting in front of us the whole time.

mmm, whipped potato

they had foil on the top of them and you had to eat them in front of the tv on one of those little folding tables. it's funny--i don't remember my dad ever eating them with us. that's cause he probably would put us to bed and then go out for a steak.
angel cookies - so when i think of my nana, i think of a couple of things: a) her costume jewellery b) her awesome hats c) how she basically hated everyone, equally, except me and a couple of other people. oh, and d) angel cookies, which in my mind she made for me every day after school but really was probably just once and the rest was just at christmas or something. i don't even know if they really were angel cookies. i'm sure that's what she called them, even though the internet seems to think they're something different (mostly cookies shaped like angels, which let me tell you, these were not). they were pale and chewy and thin, so the edges would crisp up and be delicious, and she always put one chocolate chip right in the middle and they were so good and HOLY CRAP I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THESE RIGHT NOW. i'm sorry, this is going to have to be a top eight list, you guys. it's basically a matter of life and death.

nine things i love about short stories

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 17:35:00 +0000

you guys, it's the year of the short story! this is cause for celebration! so in honour of the launch of the yoss website, i am NOT writing the short story i should be writing, and instead writing this list. uh, go... me?

they're economical! just think: you're spending $20 bucks on a book, right? in these trying times, what's better bang for your buck, one story, or 10-15? it's not like you're going to get any less lost in any one of those 10-15 stories, but when you're done with one, HOLY CRAP, THERE'S ANOTHER! BEST DAY EVER!
the endings! remember when no country for old men and everyone was like "the ending sucks, you're going to hate the ending." then i watched it and when the end came i was basically jumping up and down with excitement, yelling "it's a short story ending! it's a short story ending!" to my movie-watching companion (and, fine, everyone else in the theatre). let's face it, short stories are always going to end before you want them to. if you're a writer of short stories, people are always going to say "i wanted to know what happened next!" when talking about your work. also, you might be writing a new story and suddenly be like "whoa. there's the end!" way before you thought the end was going to be. it's always a bit of a shock to end a short story, as a reader or a writer, but then you carry that shock with you for the rest of the day. you feel restless, unquieted, maybe even a little angry. you're fucking confused! and you don't want to admit it, but that's kind of the best feeling in the world. and hey, didn't no country for old men win a bunch of oscars? yeah, i thought so.
now that you mention it, the beginnings! i think of the beginning of a novel as slowly immersing yourself in a warm tub of water, whereas the beginning of a short story is like being thrown into a shark tank covered in fish guts. now that i read it over, it doesn't sound very appealing. but you have to admit, it's pretty damn exciting!
and also, the middles! in short stories, you can get away with completely batshit crazy transitions that you can't so much get away with in novels. like, one second you're in 1950s antarctica surrounded by penguins and the next you're in 2011 in a penthouse in new york, thinking about that one penguin who changed your life. IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH. well, why not? IT'S A SHORT STORY! now if you'll excuse me, i have to go write a story about two penguin researchers in love RIGHT NOW.
they're like the movie trailers of the literary world! it's no secret around listophelia that i love movie trailers. in fact, i usually like them better than the actual movie. there's even a show that we pvr every day called "nothing but trailers" which is basically my favourite show on television right now. so why do i love movie trailers so much? it's easy: cause they take all the best parts of the movie and condense them into three minutes of pure cinematic bliss set to a dramatic soundtrack. JUST LIKE A SHORT STORY. well, except for the dramatic soundtrack part, but i'm working on that. how many times have you heard someone say "the movie wasn't as good as i thought it was going to be. all the funny parts were in the trailer." EXACTLY.
they're like the box of truffles of the literary world! because i just wouldn't be me if i didn't make a food analogy, consider this: i used to say, all the time, that short story collections were like a box of truffles, cause you wouldn't want to just sit down and eat them all at once, you would want to savour them, one at a time, and the best way to really enjoy them would be to spread them out over time. but really, fuck that. who doesn't secretly want to sit down and devour a whole box of chocolates in one sitting? you? whatever, liar.
canadians are really, really good at them! let's take a look at my "to-read" list. the divinity gene by matthew "yoss-founder and man-about-toronto" trafford. the beggar's garden, by michael "screw you, vancouver, we're totally claiming him for thunder bay, just so you know" christie. got no secrets by danila "i can't believe i haven't read your book yet you halifax literary goddess" botha. better living through plastic explosives by zsuzsi "vancouver loves you even though googling your book title has put us all on the cia watch-list" gartner. not to mention my "just-read" list, too much happiness by alice "the godmother" munro. i made all those nicknames up, by the way. you're welcome!
other people think they don't like them! i'm a notorious rooter-for-the-underdog. when i hear someone say something like "i don't like short stories. you can't really love the characters or get into the story" it makes me want to say LIKE HELL YOU CAN'T and run off and find armloads of books (SEE ABOVE) that TOTALLY MAKE YOU LOVE THE CHARACTERS AND GET INTO THE STORY. and, in this short story fantasy of mine, that someone reads all those books and says "holy crap amy, you were right!" and then all those books go on to be bestsellers and the world throws me a ticker tape parade for showing them the light and i get to ride in the back of a convertible driven by zac galifianakis with the muppets, a non-concussed sidney crosby and the entire cast of 30 rock in the back with me and we're all wearing ballgowns and eating ice cream while "club can't handle me" plays over the loudspeakers and the whole world breaks out into a spontaneous dp. you know. dance party.
but other people want to like them! you guys, all of my staff picks at work have been short story collections--darwin's bastards, both ways is the only way i want it, no one belongs here more than you--and they have all SOLD OUT. my current pick, twilight of the superheroes, is on the verge of selling out. people WANT to love short stories, you guys! they just need a little push! year of the short story, FTW!

top ten lists that went nowhere

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 04:28:00 +0000

o, readers. winter is doing me in. or something. i literally just asked twitter if it was illegal to go to bed at 8:30 on a saturday night. twitter replied that yes, indeed, it is illegal. it's not that i don't love you or that i'm seasonally affected or have a substance abuse problem or any of the other things that make people say things like o, readers, i am being done in. i'm likely vitamin d deficient, newly puppy-less, and have been working a lot and sometimes the sun peeks through the clouds and reminds me that i once wore shorts and went to bonfires. also this time of year, this weird thing happens where the pads of my fingers get really sore and sometimes split open (are they really called "pads"? i seriously hate that word). and my computer is sad, too; it keeps saying no! in the form of blue screen of death five times a day. it's just all very melancholy.

but it's okay, guys, don't worry about us, we are heading to duluth for three days to play on waterslides and eat at olive garden and make ourselves feel better. and we will come back and march will basically be half over! and maybe i can even wear my new shoes. in the meantime, here is all the lists that i considered making tonight but didn't. it's like a little catalogue of list fails.

something about how my blackberry is way cooler than cory's iphone. which obviously it isn't, but then, neither am i.
something about ghosts. i know i wrote about ghosts before, but i kind of got excited when i found a blackberry app that claimed to be able to detect supernatural activity. like a sucker i downloaded it, and it did nothing. maybe that's the point and it's some kind of ironic app. whatever. i like the idea of ghosts and i hope some day to be one.
top ten characters on television that i hate irrationally. there's really only one, and that's karen from the office. i hate her so much that my hatred has spilled over into rashida jones' characters on other shows, like anne perkins on parks and rec. and actually, rashida jones herself, who i think tonight i may have actually referred to as "bitchface slutbag" or something. even worse, cory even knew who i was talking about. it makes no sense, i know. i also really hate ellie from chuck, but only sort of. so that's really not much of a list.
top ten smells that you forget about for a long time and then you smell them again and they remind you of something awesome. this was completely inspired by going to buy ice cream one day and sticking my head in the ice cream freezer at the corner store and smelling that smell that ice cream freezers have, you know, that stale freezer smell mixed in with, well, ice cream. and all of a sudden i was ten and crawling halfway into the freezer to find that last damn squished-up creamsicle wedged somewhere in the bottom. but that was the only one that i could think of that might be kind of universal, the rest were all just "cory's deodorant" or "that coconut lime body wash that reminds me of duluth," none of which you need to hear about or care about. oh, and also that smell that the gap has everywhere you go. what is with that, anyway?
top ten hello kitty things around our house. okay, probably more like top twenty. but really, that involves a) finding my camera and b) getting up off the couch. not exactly the kind of thing i'm interested in doing right now.
something about amazing robots and shark attacks! you might wonder what these two things have in common. well, i'll tell you. they are both things i can build with these little kits i bought at work for two dollars a couple of weeks ago and have been intending to build ever since, but instead have just been sitting on top of our old television that had been sitting in our living room ever since we got our new television because it is too big to fit down the stairs to the basement and that we have been intending to take to cory's parents' but haven't.
things in our living room that we have been intending to do something with. i just thought of that one!
top ten songs about hockey. this would be a great list except hockey just makes me sad now. in fact, just typing the word hockey makes me sad. what makes me the most sad, though, is thinking back to the time when i was super excited about this season: sitting on the floor at cory's parents' in front of the tv, wearing my little penguins hat and booing alex ovechkin. poor sweet little innocent me. if only i had known.
top ten people twitter thinks i should follow who i either hate or are totally irrelevant to anything ever in life. here's why this list wouldn't work: i just logged onto twitter to try to find an example of this for you guys, and when i clicked on "suggestions" it said "sorry, we have nothing for you now!" like even twitter is like, meh, i'm tired, go away, i want to watch miley cyrus on snl.
i don't know, something about assassin's creed? just cause cory's playing it right now and it seems kind of crazy. like if i watch it too long it might give me vertigo. or make me throw up. also, there's all these buxom wenches everywhere, but I don't think you can sleep with them, like in mass effect. man. i should write video game reviews. i'm amazing! cory's analysis is better, though: "this game is scary! good thing there isn't any flying sharks!" clearly it's time to pack it in for the night.

top twelve reasons you should be afraid of raccoons taking over the world

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 04:52:00 +0000

as most of you are likely aware, history was made last week on jeopardy! when a computer named watson beat out two human competitors on the show, prompting ken jennings, who previously had won assloads of cash and was on the show for about seven hundred thousand episodes in a row, to proclaim, in a final jeopardy homage to the simpsons, "i, for one, welcome our new computer overlords."

um, WRONG, ken jennings! (bet you kind of got used to hearing that, eh?) i'm here to tell you, and all the other people who were all "ooh, ooh, computers are so creepy and smart and they're going to take over the world, ooh, ooh" that there is something out there even CREEPIER and SMARTER and MORE LIKELY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. it's raccoons.

your new raccoon overlords, everyone
i'm guessing some of you don't believe me. some of you might be sitting all snug in your houses, thinking "that amy, she is totally wack, yo. those little guys couldn't be more adorable." well, my friend, let me tell you something. while you are sitting there on your couch watching the biggest loser or whatever the hell you're doing, that "adorable little guy" is SNEAKING INTO YOUR KITCHEN AND EATING ALL YOUR GOD DAMN FOOD. i know, i know, you're like "whatever, amy, you have a demonstrated history of raccoon-related issues. i do not trust you." well, now you don't have to trust me, you can trust DAVID FUCKING SUZUKI, because he devoted a whole episode of the nature of things to raccoons and their rapidly-growing evil empire. if you didn't happen to catch it last thursday, here's what you missed. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

they can taste with their hands - people used to think that raccoons washed their food before they ate it. not so! they soak their hands in water because it makes them even more sensitive than they already are. according to scientists, it allows them to act "just like taste buds" so that the foraging raccoon can seek out food with their hands and free up their other senses for other things. like drafting plans to take over the world.
they infiltrate countries with their adorableness - consider japan: raccoons used their adorableness (via a cartoon raccoon named "rocky") to manipulate thousands of japanese to import raccoons, which are not native to their country, to keep as pets. EVEN SCARIER, the raccoons (who clearly run the entire japanese animation industry) then made an episode of the cartoon in which rocky's family releases him into the wild, prompting the japanese pet raccoon owners to release thousands of raccoons into the wilderness of japan. IT'S DOWNRIGHT DIABOLICAL, YOU GUYS! like, literally, because after that the raccoons proceeded to systematically destroy an entire nation's worth of buddhist monasteries WITH THEIR FECES. "our monasteries have stood for thousands of years," one very sad monk said. "but once the raccoons came, it was all over."
even german engineering can't stop them - there's a town in germany that has over 100 raccoons per square kilometer. the people in the town discovered that one way the raccoons were getting around was by climbing up drain pipes, so they developed this little drain pipe obstacle thingie that was supposed to stop the raccoons from climbing up. but in like a day the raccoons had figured out how to get around it. nice work, germans. i could have told you that. one time this raccoon kept trying to eat out of my dad's birdfeeder and so he stuck a roasting pan halfway up the pole. the raccoon basically laughed at him, climbed over the roasting pan, and ate all the birdseed. i'm not saying my dad's smarter than a nation of germans, but come on. at least you could have tried to run them over with a volkswagon or something.
they can collapse their spines - i don't even know what that means! but i'm pretty sure if i collapsed my spine, i would die. advantage: racccoons.
they are built like sumo wrestlers - apparently this means they have a low centre of gravity, and therefore they can push over objects that are several times their body weight. like garbage cans. or ME.
they're omnivorous - this gives them an advantage because they can live anywhere because they can eat anything. and the last time i checked, "anything" included MY FACE. also, it means they are able to identify things as food that other species are not. in fact, they said that after a while, a city raccoon might not be able to recognize an actual fish that didn't come from a can. kind of like some people i know.
they spend up to a year with their mothers - there's a correlation between how long a species stays with its mom and how smart it is (although i can safely say that my own studies have shown that the same does not apply to humans). raccoons learn everything from their moms, including how to collapse their spines. WHATEVER THAT IS.
raccoon roundworm - raccoon roundworm is a parasite that raccoons carry, but are not affected by. the eggs are airborne and nothing kills them. how can you say they're not taking over the world? THEY ARE ENGAGING IN FUCKING BIOLOGICAL WARFARE.
they can figure out our patterns - according to scientists, raccoons can figure out things like when we go to bed and what night garbage night is. i mean, come on. cory can't even figure out what night garbage night is. those crazy scientists. they think they're studying the raccoons. did it even occur to them that, obviously, THE RACCOONS ARE STUDYING US?!
they've developed a secret system of highways - not only have raccoons figured out that cars = death, they've figured out a way around it by developing what the show refers to as "a secret system of highways" that includes traveling along fences, rooftops, and whatever else in order to get where they're going. when they do have to cross a street, they actually look both ways. do you know how long it took me to start looking both ways? let's just say i nearly died in england because i was only looking one way. and it was the wrong way. fine. i'm not the most shining example of my species.
we didn't move in on them, they moved in on us - people think that there are so many raccoons in cities (like toronto, which is apparently the "raccoon capital of the world" -- had i known that a few years ago, my life would have turned out very differently) because the cities encroached on the raccoon's natural habitat and they had no choice but to adapt. not so. raccoons are fucking tropical. and one day they got bored and came north, and they got to toronto and were like, "hey, guys, check this out! plenty of comfortable, affordable living space! quality selection of dining establishments! an abundance of entertainment options! this place is MINT" and they just settled right in like little masked urban hipsters. we didn't take over their habitat, you guys. THEY ARE TAKING OVER OURS.
they enjoy overcoming challenges - you guys, i watched with my own eyes as raccoons unzipped tent flaps, unhooked bungee cords from green bins, unlocked doors, opened fridges, and pulled the tops off of tupperware. they like solving puzzles, and the more we try to stop them from getting into our shit, the more puzzles that gives them to solve, and the smarter they get. and newsflash, unlike with the human race, it's the smartest of the species that are the most prolific procreators. in the words of a real live honest raccoon scientist: "we may be building the uber-raccoon so i think that in a few generations we will have really, really smart raccoons, and then we're doomed. they're just going to take over." i just got chills, you guys. SERIOUSLY. we're fucking doomed.

top ten things i like the most about winter

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 05:09:00 +0000

okay. i give up, you guys. all i wanted was to get through this winter warm, healthy, and not having to drive in a snowstorm. OBVIOUSLY I ASKED WAY TOO MUCH. this northwestern ontario winter has officially kicked my soft little rain-soaked maritime ass. but i'm not giving up! (oh. wait. i just said "i give up." sigh). okay, i am giving up. i'm throwing in the snowshovel, climbing under a blanket, and staying there til spring (which everyone keeps telling me will be in june). but NEXT YEAR, winter, NEXT YEAR. JUST YOU WAIT. i'm coming out swinging. and just to get myself psyched up for that, here's a list of things that i will look forward to when you come knocking at my front door.

boots - you probably think i'm talking about my four inch black stilettos with the buckles, which yes, are awesome and yes, i do wear all winter at great peril to my personal safety and well-being. but in the past couple of weeks, especially since i've been sick and the only time i venture out of the house is to the backyard to let riley pee, i've basically fallen in love with these giant-ass black winter boots that i borrowed from cory's mom while she's away. i'm pretty sure i could wear them penguin watching in the antarctic and still have warm and toasty feet. it will kind of be sad when it's too warm out to wear them, which will likely be next week cause my feet are the first things to get way, way too hot when it's nice out (followed by my hands. i have hot extremities. sue me).
icicles - today when i took riley out in my boots, i walked around my car and there were all these icicles hanging from off the bumpers from when we had that freaky melt and then flash freeze. and i went around and kicked them off with my boots and it was so satisfying! and then i remembered being a kid and cracking icicles off of our porch and eating them like popsicles and i wondered why my mom would let us do that. or why i would even want to, when we probably had perfectly good popsicles in our freezer. and now this is going to be one of those things, like me eating chips with plain sour cream as dip, that cory is going to make fun of me for. but, yeah, icicles! they are kind of amazing.
being inside during snowstorms - i drove during one too many snowstorms this year (it was really only one. the others were probably more like just flurries). but there is nothing better than getting home from driving in a snowstorm and parking yourself on the couch in your pajamas and watching the snow fall through your giant living room window. although it is true that basically everything is better when watched through a giant living room window. sometimes it's even better than the tv. (sorry, tv. i didn't mean it. i still love you.)
taking riley to the rink - this is how it goes: we drive to the rink and riley gets more and more excited. we take out the hockey sticks and she's freaking out. she sees the tennis ball and she LOSES HER MIND! we throw a ball for her, and she full-out chases it, then slides right into the boards. then for the next hour or so, we try to distract her with one tennis ball so that we can use the other to practise one-timers. it never works. i've actually seen her try to get two balls in her mouth at the same time. yep. that's my girl.
tubing at loch lomond - tubing! it's like skiing without the need for any kind of pesky skill; it's like sledding without having to walk up the hill. this is the third year in a row cory and i have gone tubing at loch lomond, although cory claims he doesn't remember the first time (luckily, i have video. i was wearing his dad's jacket! and it was cold). i think this year was the best year of all of them, despite the fact that i wiped out hard by flipping my tube off the side of the run (it had nothing to do with cory coming up behind me and grabbing me. nothing). it was sunny, it was cold enough that the snow was fast but not so cold we died, and the hill wasn't that busy.
animal tracks in the snow - having snow on the ground means getting to see what kind of fun, furry woodland creatures have come to visit us during the night. except the problem is, we really have no idea what the tracks are made by. "could be deer," says cory. "could be a rabbit. maybe a fox." yeah. or it could have been me the day before walking to the mail in my awesome boots. we will never know.
olympic recaps on tv - i miss the olympics so much, you guys. apparently, so does every sports-related show on the air, cause they've been showing olympic reruns nearly every day this month (even though there's a little thing called the canada games going on right now in halifax, which i'll admit i only want to watch so i can see people i know in the crowd). but it doesn't matter that it's a year later. i still get choked up when i see those plucky little hard-working, under-appreciated athletes get their moment of glory. you know, like hockey players.
awards show season - you guys already know i am an awards show junkie. competition, pretty dresses, bloated speeches, memorial montages (MONTAGES!), plenty of hype... these are all things i thoroughly enjoy. i may not have seen any of the movies nominated for an oscar, or heard any of the albums nominated for a grammy, or met any of the girls in the running for miss america, but I HAVE AN OPINION ON ALL OF THEM. and my opinion is right, obviously.
toques - all toques are awesome. but my toque is the most awesome. it has a pom-pon and ear flaps with braided cords hanging from them, and it says PENGUINS across the front of it (which prompted one person to say "penguins! i love them! they're like my favourite animal!") and it was given to me for christmas by someone i like a whole bunch who really wants me to keep my head warm.
winter food - there are certain things that i basically only make in the winter. things like beef stew. or baked macaroni and cheese. or chili. and basically every delicious, carb-and-cheese-laden dish you can possibly imagine. sometimes in the summer, when it's really hot and all i can manage to do for supper is to throw a few spinach leaves in a bowl and call it a day, i think, man, i wish it was snowing so i could make some mulligatawny. then i slap myself on the wrist and suck on an ice cube. which is a million times better than sucking on an icicle.

top fifteen quotes from the westminster dog show commentators 2: this time it's personal

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 03:36:00 +0000

guys, i am blogging with a fever here, so if these don't seem funny to you, just remember they are really, REALLY funny to me, and also to jason derulo. no, not THAT jason derulo, silly. that would be crazy. the stuffed wind rider cub that cory gave me for my birthday that i named jason derulo* who is watching the dog show with me what's that, jason derulo? you want them to stop making fun of me? me too, jason derulo. me too.

jason derulo also gets to control the remote when cory's not around

"what did gun dogs do before guns? were they just unemployed?" "yeah, they just hung around at the grocery store, and bought their birds."
"from this angle, it looks like a neopolitan mastiff" *as camera follows, from behind, a dog with gigantic balls.
"don't you think of a love bug when you look at him?"
"they want you to know that they do bark and they do shed and they do escape." "so they're not great all the time." "no, but who among us is, really?"
"to me it looks like something you should buy if you were opening a car wash."
"around my house, we think of dog hair as a condiment."
"they have the head of a lamb and the heart of a lion."
"the terrier is thinking 'if only i had opposable thumbs. i'd be running the joint!'"
"world domination. it's only a matter of time."
"they're kind of a canine-propelled rotisserie."
"the dog psychic told her that this dog was going to win."
"miniature eyes WITH LASER BEAMS" (said in a dr. evil voice)
"his name is 'poker' because he was purchased with money won playing poker." "well, he certainly doesn't have a poker face."
"this dog requires an owner confident enough to love a dog that openly feels superior to its owner."
"it looks like you could get great tv reception with a dog like that in your living room."

we all know who is really going to win

*in order to say his name right, you have to sing it exactly the way that the other jason derulo sings his name at the beginning of this song. otherwise he won't respond. CAUSE IT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME UNLESS YOU SING IT. omg, okay, time for bed.

top fifteen quotes from the westminster dog show commentators

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 03:57:00 +0000

i'm pretty sure that fred willard is secretly their colour man.

"this is known as a head breed. a lot of toy dogs can be described as a head breed."
"that is a springy little gait, isn't it?"
"look at its face. its supposed to have a distinct oriental expression."
"they are quiet, affectionate gremlins."
"how much of that six pounds is fur?"
"it's like living with a two year old toddler forever."
"the one word description that comes out the most often about the pomeranian is 'cocky.'"
"poodles come in three sizes... one to fit everybody!"
"there it is! i call it the 'pug mug.'"
"i say it all the time, the shih tzus are the kings of the sidewalks of new york city. they're not just hair and glitz."
"did it used to have a tail?" "no." "it never had a tail?" "it never had a tail."
"it's one of those dogs they say needs a smart human."
"the yorkshire terrier was bred by workers in york to guard their lunch bags from the rats."
"it's best that if you have this dog, you also have a lot of sheep."
"he loves to watch tv and eat popcorn. he'd fit right in at my house!"

(yes, i am aware it is valentine's day. i got fifteen hello kitty valentines this morning! then we ate homemade cheeseburgers and poutine and jalapeno poppers and watched cop out, because nothing says "i love you" like fatty foods and tracy morgan. now i am watching the westminster dog show and cory is playing video games. what? it's totally romantic in an "i'm sick" kind of way (also, i typed "i'm sick" as "i'm suck" three times in a row before i got it right. so either the cough syrup is going to my brain or i subconsciously think i am a sucky valentine (i'm going to say the cough syrup, because hello did i mention the homemade poutine?!)))

top ten possible reasons i am sick right now

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 21:50:00 +0000

because i have too much stuff to do.
because i went tubing yesterday at loch lomond and got snow all down my back (and also had a pretty spectacular wipeout, which resulted in snow pretty much everywhere).
because cory just bought me a heated back massager chair thingie and my body has gone soft.
because the universe wanted me to be sitting inside on my heated back massager chair thingie at the perfect angle to watch two squirrels playing in the trees outside my window (although now that i'm watching them more closely, maybe "playing" isn't exactly what they are doing.)
because the weather just warmed up and i would kind of rather be at the rink with riley.
because there wasn't enough vegetables in the mac and cheese i made for dinner last night.
because i ate from the salad bar at the prospector, and someone had just sneezed all over the baby corn.
because, in an effort to conserve hand sani, i now only use it after every second customer.
because subconsciously i just wanted to stay home and spend time with my new blackberry.
because i bragged way too much over the holiday season about how i have a super awesome immune system and never ever get sick. karma really is a bitch.

daily dose of listalgia

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 15:08:00 +0000

my mom claims i wrote this in high school, but i'd like to think that the bubbly letters and the open circles dotting the i's date it much earlier. i mean, i was WAY more sophisticated than that in high school, wasn't i? also, if anyone can explain to me what they think i meant by "generational documentaries" i would really appreciate it.

top one thing better than the superbowl

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 19:56:00 +0000

i love the superbowl, don't get me wrong. i love hyped-up events and i love planning parties (our 1995 referendum party was epic!) and if it involves chicken wings and making cory happy, so much the better! but if we got animal planet, i'm sorry, i think i'd have to change the theme of sunday's party from football to puppies. i would have no other choice.

halifax vs thunder bay

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 03:58:00 +0000

so for those of you who don't follow me on twitter (and why the hell do you not follow me on twitter? i am an awesome tweeter. okay, fine, i'm not. but maybe if you followed me, it would give me the incentive!) i might as well tell you that the reason i didn't blog for like two weeks was because i was in halifax being lazy. and lest you think all i did was eat and drink my face off, let me tell you this: while i was doing all that eating and drinking off of my face, i actually LEARNED SOMETHING: it's hard being from two places. so while i'm super happy to be home in tbay, i'm also super sad to not be in halifax any more. it's fucking BITTERSWEET, you guys. so here's a list to make me feel better. it's sort of like the list that ross made after rachel told him how she felt about him and he had to decide if he wanted to be with her or stay with julie. because everything related back to friends. always.

halifax has donairs. thunder bay has persians. advantage: halifax.
in halifax the winters are fairly mild and people bitch about how cold it is. in thunder bay, it's fucking FREEZING and people are all like "WHAT UP, WINTER? BRING IT ON." advantage: thunder bay.
halifax has a gap, an h&m and a bath and body works. thunder bay has none of these. advantage: halifax.
my house in halifax has a highway for cars going through the back yard. my house in thunder bay has a highway for deer going through the backyard. advantage: thunder bay.
halifax has jake, stewie, and monday. thunder bay has riley. advantage: tie. it would take a better girl than me to choose between puppies!
halifax has lobsters. thunder bay has bears. advantage: tie (think of it this way: you'd get equally excited if you saw a lobster on your front lawn eating your neighbour's garbage as you would a bear. DON'T LIE YOU TOTALLY WOULD.)
minutes it takes to get a whopper in halifax: 2. minutes it takes to get a whopper in thunder bay: 42. advantage: halifax.
in halifax, other people cook for me. in thunder bay, i cook for other people. advantage: thunder bay.
in halifax, i get my hair cut and i'm super happy and feel awesome. in thunder bay, i get my hair cut and the hairdresser tangles my hair up so badly that she has to cut the knot out with scissors. advantage: halifax.
i have one sister in halifax. i have zero sisters in thunder bay. advantage: halifax.
when i told people in toronto i was from halifax, they were all "oh, man, halifax is the best!" when i told people in toronto i was moving to thunder bay, they were like "why the fuck would you do that?" advantage: thunder bay (just kidding, toronto. that's really advantage: toronto, for having such solid opinions about things).
halifax has clancy's. thunder bay has crystal. advantage: halifax.
thunder bay has all the stuff that i liked enough to lug halfway across the country. halifax has all the stuff that i didn't like enough to leave behind. advantage: thunder bay.
halifax has the atlantic ocean, thunder bay has lake superior. advantage: halifax (sorry, lake superior. you're the best lake around. but you're no ocean.)
thunder bay has a bunch of copies of what boys like in the local author section of chapters. halifax chapters has one copy of what boys like stuffed in between two other joneses on a wall where you can't even see it, even though every day my mom goes in and puts it facing out. advantage: thunder bay.
places you can have a sauna and a pancake in thunder bay: 1. places you can have a sauna and a pancake in halifax: zero. advantage: thunder bay.
in halifax, we used to go to the library to buy drugs. in thunder bay, the people who have already bought drugs and are currently under the influence go to the library to use the bathroom. advantage: libraries, obviously!

my top nine favourite food network chefs

noreply@blogger.com (Amy) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 05:54:00 +0000

you guys know i love pretty much everything the food network does. i love top chef, i love dinner party wars, i love diners, drive-ins and dives. i even begrudgingly love that show with lynn crawford where she tries to be a farmer (the ads for it made her look like a douche. but in the actual show, she is very sweet and charming and totally genuine). but in my heart of hearts, i am a straight-up-cooking-show kind of girl. i want to sit down for half an hour and have a chef who is much more talented than i am make food in front of me and then taste it and go "mmm" and make their orgasm face while the fork is still in their mouth (seriously if there is one thing they teach you in tv chef school, that has got to be it, cause all of them do it EXACTLY THE SAME). and then i want to try to painstakingly recreate that food in my kitchen and proudly serve it to my beloved only to have him douse the whole thing with frank's red hot sauce. THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANT. and these are the people i want to watch doing it. (and yes, i know this is only nine. not everything has to be a top ten, you know. it's my new year's resolution to lighten up a little bit. you know, mix it up. go crazy. ONLY GO TO NINE). (just kidding, it's not. i don't make resolutions and i never mix it up. i just only have nine favourites. end of story).

laura calder - this is what i want: i want laura calder as my bestie. i want her to ride her bike over to my house in a flowery sundress, carrying fresh bread and cheese and herbs in her little wicker handlebar basket, and i want her to cook cassoulet and gaillet du roi for me and get me drunk on good french wine and tell me stories about when she used to live in paris with cami and all the parties they would throw for their french fashion industry friends. of course, i realize how ludicrous this all is. for one thing, poor laura calder would die of hypothermia before she even got to my house. and even if she made it to my house this would happen: laura calder would say "amy, where is your mandoline? your flan pan? your copper pot?" and i would say "laura calder, i don't have any of those things." and then she would probably cry, because she got such terrible hypothermia biking to my house in her sundress and i don't even have the proper cooking utensils. then she would take her french wine and steal my sorels and she would leave, walking her bike to the end of my driveway and waiting for the 4 neebing to come by, and i would watch her waiting out the window, and it would take two hours because that's how often the 4 neebing comes down my street, and the whole time she would be crying and calling out for cami. so basically what i'm saying is, it's best that laura calder just stays where she is and i watch her on french food at home every day at 6pm. so that's what i'm going to do.
michael smith - i'll be honest, there is a possibility that i only watch michael smith's show to get a glimpse of the atlantic ocean. and it's true that i still find michael smith to be kind of like a giant awkward sasquatch in the kitchen. but the awesome thing about michael smith is he's all "recipe? what recipe?" which is basically the way i cook all the time. michael smith just says, "this flavour goes well with this other flavour" and "this is the best way to cook this ingredient" and "this is what i'm going to use here, but YOU, AMY JONES, YOU USE WHATEVER YOU WANT, OKAY?" and then you kind of freak out a little (mostly cause MICHAEL SMITH JUST SAID MY NAME ON NATIONAL TV) and think "can i really do this?" but don't worry, cause that's the exact moment that the chick singer from the theme song comes on and whispers "you can do it too!" and then you think "you're right, theme song chick, i CAN do it too." then you do it and it turns out just mediocre, but that's okay because at least you tried, and michael smith and theme song chick would be so totally proud of you.
brian boitano - I LOVE BRIAN BOITANO'S SHOW! okay, things i love about brian boitano's show: a) it's called what would brian boitano make? I MEAN COME ON THAT'S HILARIOUS. b) the premises for his shows are also amazing. observe: "in a jam, brian's good pal kristi yamaguchi asks brian if she can move her family gathering over to his place. brian politely obliges, but can he really feed 15 yamaguchis?" "after sharing post-game bacon martinis with an all girl roller derby squad, brian invites the team to his house for a dinner party. all of brian's simple and succulent recipes are created with the ladies' favorite ingredient - bacon!" i mean, WHO ISN'T friends with olympic figure skaters and roller derby teams! i only wish i could be that cool. c) it is a combination of the two best things you can have in a tv show: cooking, and camp. i swear to god, throw in joel mchale, a few wedding dresses, an indie rock soundtrack and a choreographed dance routine and you basically have my dream tv show. wait. HOLY CRAP I JUST WON TELEVISION!

oh. i'm sorry. i mean joel mchale AND PUPPIES!
claire robinson - i used to like claire robinson okay. i had a bit of a girlcrush on her when she was on food network challenge, and i like the whole five ingredient fix thing, even if sometimes the five ingredients are SO BATSHIT CRAZY that they basically count as fifteen ingredients (i mean, OBVIOUSLY i have duck breasts, ruby port, and black cherries on hand. doesn't everyone?!) i even made her wine-braised beef short ribs, to mediocre results (this is before i owned a proper dutch oven. i am convinced that, were i to make them again in my new dutch oven, that they would turn out perfectly. when in doubt, blame it on the pot!) but when i really fell in love with claire robinson was when i saw her on this episode of the best thing i ever ate when she talked about this bbq pork sandwich at payne's bbq and she was talking about the owner, ms payne, and the camera guy was like "her name's flora, you know" and claire was like "NO. SHE IS MS. PAYNE." anyway. that bbq pork sandwich looked like the best thing i ever ate, and i didn't even actually eat it.
giada de laurentiis - giada is cory's favourite food network chef, for two reasons, neither of which are her food (he also really likes padma lakshmi, but she doesn't count as a chef. but still. go food network!) so for a while i kind of hated giada. "why, giada?" i would ask (to the television screen, obviously). "why must you cook in such low-cut blouses? are you not afraid that a little sizzling olive oil, a little creme fraiche, a little parsley and mint, are going to eventually find their way down in there?" (in retrospect, i'm pretty sure that the same thing i feared for giada was the very thing that cory hoped for). but then one day i was watching and it basically happened! and she was so blase about it like, whatevs, food in the boobs, happens all the time. and then i realized i was just projecting MY OWN food in the boobs fears onto this poor, adorable, talented television chef. which totally isn't fair.
roger mooking - roger mooking sings his own theme song. nothing else matters other than the fact that ROGER MOOKING SINGS HIS OWN THEME SONG. also, he knows everything about meat. it doesn't matter what his "obedient ingredient" is, because the show is always really about meat. one time he did this episode about cheese. guess what he put the cheese on? that's right. MEAT.
nadia g - oh, nadia g. should you be on this list? i don't know. and i know i've said it before, but i should have been all over you cooking show: you are all sex and attitude and rock and roll PLUS you are also food. but i was so totally not feeling you, nads. sometimes i'd watch your show and i just want to scream STOP TRYING SO HARD! in fact, i started watching your show all the time just to talk back to you on the screen.

to be fair, nadia g, you ARE kind of the avril lavigne of the culinary world.
then every once in a while i would give a little chuckle. maybe a guffaw. or i'd be like "hey, that thing you're cooking looks really good BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE YOU NADIA G. but hey, what's that recipe again?" then one day i realized i was no longer making snarky comments about you to my stuffed animals--i was actually enjoying your show. you know what you're like, nadia g? you're like one of those sour soothers that are basically the most painfully delicious candies ever. the first few minutes they're in your mouth you want to die, but then once that's over it's actually pretty sweet. and when it's done, you're all "yay let's do it again!" you're a sour soother, nadia g. rock on.
nigella lawson- true story: the first cookbook i ever read cover to cover was nigella's how to be a domestic goddess. i was working at dal and babysitting in the mornings for the child of a freelance writer and a set designer who had a cool old house that they had renovated themselves with crazy artwork on the walls and the biggest cd collection i had ever seen. they also didn't have a television. so when their daughter had played herself out and fell asleep on the floor (or in my lap, after forcing me to read the grinch who stole christmas over and over and over again to her, even in the middle of summer, until i didn't even have to look at the pages any more to read it to her) i had nothing to do but read whatever happened to be lying around in the living room. after a particularly tumultuous week where i blasted through both volumes of maus in a couple of sittings and the child would wake up to find me balled up on the couch rocking back and forth and moaning, i decided that if i didn't want to be responsible for scarring her for life i was going to have to stick to lighter fare. luckily, there was nigella. "i can't just sit here and read through a cookbook," i thought to myself, but then i started reading and i couldn't stop. i remember going home that night and telling my boyfriend "did you know that you just put cream and butter and parmesan on pasta and it'll ACTUALLY TASTE GOOD?" and he was like "yeah, but not with no-name margarine and fucking kraft grated simulated cheese product, you do realize." WHATEVER. okay, he was right, but nigella would have said it in a much nicer way. then she would have sat me down in her kitchen and made me ricotta pancakes and brushed my hair while i ate them.
martin picard - make no mistake: martin picard is batshit crazy. i once saw him make this insane shark sushi cone thingie right on the fishing boat seconds after he caught it. oh, and on another episode he also ate basically all of a moose. yeah. all of it. including the heart. AND THE TESTICLES. apparently for the filming of the first season of his show, he and his co-host were completely hammered the whole time, just traveling around in quebec and the maritimes cooking animals over fires and probably beating their chests and howling at the moon. his restaurant serves more fois gras than any other in the entire universe, and he just recently said "fuck you" to the canadian museum of civilization's winterlude dinner thingie because they weren't going to let him serve fois gras (which seems to me like asking young mc to play your wedding and then telling him he can't do "bust a move". oh, click it. you know you want to). the dude is UNAPOLOGETIC. and, to a person who you could steal her cellphone and kick in the crotch and SHE would apologize to YOU, that's kind of an admirable thing.

listophelia

repost - my top ten comfort movies from childhood

top ten ways to stay cool in your house

amy's top ten rules of dog park etiquette

seventeen things i learned about disney

google searches on my blackberry

top ten things i hate about this particular blog post already, even though i haven't even written it yet

top one awesome video of the day

top ten signs that it might possibly almost be spring in thunder bay

my top eight most nostalgic foods

top one awesome video of the day - st. paddy's day edition

nine things i love about short stories

top one awesome video of the day

top one awesome video of the day

top ten lists that went nowhere

top twelve reasons you should be afraid of raccoons taking over the world

top one awesome video of the day

top ten things i like the most about winter

top fifteen quotes from the westminster dog show commentators 2: this time it's personal

top fifteen quotes from the westminster dog show commentators

top ten possible reasons i am sick right now

daily dose of listalgia

top one thing better than the superbowl

halifax vs thunder bay

top one awesome video of the day

my top nine favourite food network chefs