LitDiva

Regrouping

2012-02-03T06:21:00.000-06:00

The Sweet Pea has suffered mightily from her shots and you can still see the angry red marks on her chubby little thighs where she was innoculated. She has been fussy and fractious and tried valiently to laugh and coo despite misery. I, too, have been miserable for her and felt Mountains of Guilt that I allowed "them" to hurt her. Yes, the vaccines protect sp from something far more baneful. Nevertheless her pain makes me sorrowful, enraged, militant.

Today is Friday. Thank the light.

I need the weekend to regroup, get (even a little) organized, and accomplish some things. And I have to be on my game at work when my small and immature desire to hide rears its wicked horns. I've always been a hider. I used to go in my closet to play as a child. I like solitude, confined spaces, stillness. *Perhaps* I should have chosen a profession that accommodated this affinity. I love my job and feel, most days, like I made a positive difference. And then I rush home to my baby girl because that is where my heart is.

I need to learn to take part of my heart with me and put it back into my work.

Now I'll quit whining and give you what you really want...the Amazing Monkey of Ugliness as selected and celebrated by the opinionated shopper we all call the Sweet Pea:

Bootstraps

2012-02-02T20:31:00.000-06:00

We'll call the reprimand I got at work to be the kick in the pants I need to get back in gear and do a better job.
I suppose I needed a catalyst to make me focus more fully on work.

It was, nevertheless, not a delightful day in Diva's neighborhood.

Meanwhile, the baby swing is miraculous when contending with Overly Tired and Teething Infant who is still out of sorts from her shots (when she was playing and smacked her own thigh where the injections were she howled and then looked accusatorily around to see WHO had done such a horrible thing as to smack her leg).

Tomorrow is another day, or so the saying goes.

The Monkey

2012-02-01T18:04:00.000-06:00

SP had her doctor's checkup yesterday. I looked forward to it with evil glee not because I like to witness my child suffering from FOUR SHOTS IN A ROW but because it was a reason to take a half dock day at work. Which I looked upon as surpassingly lovely.

We went to Babies R Us. I let her choose a toy. She picked out what is perhaps the most hideous plush item in the known universe. It is a big orange monkey. With a hula skirt. And affixed to its ghastly paws are rattling blowfishes and a pineapple. It is a vast neon monstrosity.

She seized its cloth ears in her two starfish hands and pulled its head to her face to kiss it.

The best part is: dh is terrified of monkeys. As in Hates Them A Lot.

As a child he had bad allergies and could not have any soft toys unless they were washable so all he had was a sock monkey which he was afraid of. His mom would put it in bed with him and he'd toss it under his bed when she left the room. Did it have a name? I asked once.

Yes. Stupid Scary Monkey. I hated that damn thing.
He shuddered at the memory.

Our niece adores monkeys and even has an oversized plush one she sits on. I teased dh that our baby girl would also be infatuated with primates. He declared we would have no monkeys in this house.

I texted him a pic of her with the monkey toy yesterday advising him to be brave bc it was coming home to stay. And frankly I'll hang a gaggle of flying sock monkeys from her ceiling if they make her as giggly as this oen did.

Her shots were Horrible. She had enough understanding to pause in her terrified screams to meet my eyes in confusion and sadness. I was not protecting her from pain.

This child is so happy normally. Even doctors comment on how unusually cheerful she is even when throwing up in a projectile manner. It was proof of her misery that she was a crying, inconsolable cranky mess and could not even calm down enough to nurse.

When she finally slept I cried my eyes out.

When she woke up Only THE MONKEY could comfort her. Bless the wonderful ugly monkey.

For those of you keeping score at home she is 12 lb, 3 ounces and 24.5 inches long with a head size of 14.25 inches. She is only in the ninth percentile for weight. She's growing. They should not scare me with percentiles.
Behold the delicious cuteness (pre-shots):

Ten Years

2012-01-30T18:10:00.000-06:00

An old pal posted on fb this weekend that he and his wife have been together twelve years. I thought, wow that is a loooong time.

Then Diva hauled out her fingers and did some math.

Come March 2nd, dh and I will have been together for a decade.
We've known each other since 1998 and were good friends for years. Then in December of 01, both still raw and reeling from 9/11 and myself fresh from a rerun of a bad relationship, we went to the movies.

This was our traditional friend activity and we had heckled through many a stinker (The Saint, The Peacemaker, The Mod Squad) and adored several good ones (Shrek, Anastasia, American Outlaws) and when I dragged him to see the latter, he'd elicited a promise that I'd attend The Fellowship of the Ring. I never thought he'd call it in--we'd go months without talking usually.

So when he called me the day after Christmas and asked me to go see it, I agreed. That started an odd spiral of talking every day and setting up regular plans. Just as friends of course. ;) and ended up going to see The Count of Monte Cristo (Baaaad) on valentine's day. So this will be our decade valentine's day together.

Something to think about.

Saturday

2012-01-28T17:56:00.000-06:00

This my reality. My world.

A pink lit room.

This chair. This child. Her round head perfect, smooth against my palm.

Smile

2012-01-27T18:06:00.001-06:00

Because it's friday. The charming mr. butler in his rugged surfer glory.

Oh the Dramatic Drama

2012-01-27T05:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we did the second grade top ten video clip. It should have taken ten minutes. It took an hour. Of something akin to herding cats.

Over one hundred children had to be put back in their same groups of eight to ten children as they had been at the rehearsal and organized and posed with the signs. Except some of the original kids were absent, some others were back and had no idea and some simply resisted alphabetical order and began calling one another a variety of inappropriate pejoratives that resulted in Removal From Participation.

Followed by Protestations of Blamelessness.

I'm not sure they know what "I didn't even do anything!!!" really means. I've tried to explain in detail but it's not sinking in.

Today I will TRY to do art. It's my fave thing to do and yet this class has not managed to be trustworthy with supplies or able to follow directions. I'm so sad when I see my blank section of hallway wall when everyone else's is decorated with lively snowmen and snowflakes. Le sigh.

As a bonus I came down with a wicked stomach bug right after school (timing at least was ideal) and canNOT miss any more work so here I go to give spelling tests and attempt the Jim Dine project I once adored.

Exciting Day

2012-01-26T05:48:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had changed and lotioned the Sweet Pea and left her gurgling in the pack and play while I went to heat her bottle (do not panic this is a happy story...I hate when stories start this way and I think omg the poodles attacked her or soemthing but no, I swear).

When I came back she was jabbering away, on her TUMMY. As in, she rolled over. The jabbering was obviously sweet pea speak for CHECK ME OUT MAMA I AM ROLLING OVERRRRRRRR!

So obviously at work I told everyone including people who obviously could not have cared any less.Because hello? she figured out how to get that pesky arm outta her way and tootsie roll from back to front.

Then during tummy time she managed to scoot herself forward by pushing with her feet across the blanket enough to retrieve her paci.

Times they are a-changing around here.

***

As for work--who knew a little kid that size could pick up a metal desk and throw it?
By the time the parent got there, the meltdown was over, I'd let kiddo stand in the closet (her choice) to cool down and together we convinced the parent to let her stay the rest of the day. We started a behavior incentive chart and we're both committed to it. The parent was understandably upset by the behavior--more so than me, as I had simply evactuated my class to the hallway and made sure kiddo wasn't hurting herself--but kiddo and i sat together on the hallway floor and explained the she felt calm now and knew I loved her and wanted her to stay. So we're cool.

The one who steals all the time continues to do so and to be defiant as well. I'm trying to love her a lot and obviously so she doesn't feel the need to be sneaky.

Today we're making a video for my darling friend and colleague who has terminal melanoma at 27 and will likely not make it to her son's first bday in March. We're doing Second Grade's Top Ten Ways We'd Change the School (sample kidisms: Mac and cheese for lunch every day! Trampolines and puppies at recess! Soda fountain in every room!)

Thank you for the love and wisdom yesterday. It was a very emo day for the diva and the grief of it lingers but we shall overcome.

If I can get tbe pic to load it's the sp after her bath in a ducky robe her godmother passed down from her youngest boy. Too cute.

Bittersweet

2012-01-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

Last night I cried because she didn't want to be held, she wanted to stretch.

That's how it should be--my sweet pea growing and moving and learning to be independent. I want her to be healthy and strong.

But it's hard! To know that I've waited my whole life to hold her and she'll spend most of hers trying to get out of my arms.
When she fusses and I rock her, cupping the small perfect curve of her head in my palm I think, "THIS is why I have hands. This is why I was born at all."

I have just learned how to be needed so fully. And I'll have to learn how to need her less, to want what she needs,not what I want.

I would give everything to protect her, and it makes me terribly sad to think of the grief and disappointment that lurk around the corner for her as they do for everyone. And awful will be the days when she won't let me comfort her, when she is too big, too angry, too afraid to accept love and sympathy.

So, yes. Crying jag while pumping in the wee hours of the morning. I'll swim out of the sudden world-weight grief but for now I'll float here, thinking what a miracle she is, how she is only mine for a while.

Dismayed

2012-01-23T18:41:00.000-06:00

Today was not superior.

They stole. They fought. They lied. They shrieked in a high pitched and prolonged manner. Two of them flatly refused to do work. And oh the whining great googly wooglies the whiny whining.

I felt like one of the gobsmacked three bears in the face of "My pencil's too sharp/my pencil's too dull/this chair is too small/my shoe hurts"

Dear Mr. Blueberry is my favorite story unit of the year and they're kinda sucking the joy out of it for me.

Book Review x2

2012-01-22T18:52:00.000-06:00

Years ago my bestie got me a copy of A Wrinkle in Time, appalled that I'd never read it and was not even a L'Engle fan.

So dh and I have read it together aloud to the Pea.

For the uninitiated, like myself, here's the setup: Meg Murray is a brainy social outcast with a genius baby brother and her dad disappeared three years ago. Some local witches/angels/supernatural beings turn up and enlist Meg, her baby brother and a neighbor boy to go through time and space to save dad.

There were serious similarities to Gregor the Overlander in that I think it was rather derivative of this more famous novel. The beginning is warm and cozy and I liked it.
I didn't like the little kid getting brainwashed or some other aspects of the book but I did enjoy the overall message of different-isn't-bad. Kinda heavy-handed and didactic but generally fine. I'd give it three stars.

Second, I finally read (in brief bits and tiny snatches for TWO WEEKS) the new Marisa de los Santos book, Falling Together. Now, I love love love her first two books. I think this one was...okay. It was "nice" which is damning with faint praise where I come from.

The writing is gorgeous, of course. But the plot is on thin side requiring a suspension of disbelief I didn't have in me.

As in, through a decade apart and marriage and the birth of children and death of parents, three adults still yearn for an old college friendship as the defining relationship of their lives.

Now I may not be the best judge since the only person I was really close to in college I married.

The extremely insular relationship among the the three central characters--two women and a man--seemed almost as unrealistic as their continued longing for it--not in a nostalgiac way but in a my-life-would-be-all-sunny-and-wonderful-if-only-Cat/Pen/Will were still a trio.

Cat, the delicate magical fragile one, asks the other two to meet up at the college reunion then they find out they were lured there by her estranged husband because she's missing. They all go to the Phillipines together to find her.

And none of this is supposed to be creepy? And they all have money and time and can uproot a small child and take her around the world? Yeah. Lots.

So the writing's pretty but I wasn't deeply attached to any of the characters this go-round.

I remind myself that my adored Sarah Addison Allen had a slightly less perfect third book and returned with an excellent fourth so I hold out hope.

Four Months

2012-01-22T10:16:00.000-06:00

Today is SP's four month birthday. Blogger still won't let me load pics for the most part here's all i could manage...

Here's what we have learned about her:

She loves yellow (I like red, he likes purple...we have no idea who she got this from).

She loves to cuddle (Daddy's girl)

She digs r&b, 70s music and angry chick rock (Mommy's girl)

She has rhythm (daddy's girl)

OH MY SWEET JESUS THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EYE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT OMG DON'T TOUCH IT THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EYE GAAAAAH (mommy's girl can't cope with eye discomfort)

Falls asleep while playing or gurgling (Daddy's girl)

Loves books (both)

Is hungry like clockwork (Daddy's girl)

Laughs all the time and thinks everything--even the inappropriate--is funny (Mommy's girl)

She isn't good at staying asleep (Mommy's girl)

She's smiley and vocal(Mommy's girl)

She looks good in green (Daddy's girl)

She has no patience (Mommy's girl)

Middle of the Night Musings

2012-01-21T07:19:00.000-06:00

As a new mama, I find myself up a lot in the early hours of morning. The truly random thoughts that flit through the transom of my mind at those times are punctuated with a fiery conviction that they're *correct*.

Here's a sampling.

Ashley Judd should make more movies. I really like her voice and she has a no-nonsense quality I adore. In fact she should have been the lead in Where the Heart Is, not Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman won an oscar for playing some ballerina with a nervous breakdown. Why do women often get nominated for awards when they play fragile, helpless creatures? And those actresses from The Kids Are All Right? They both deserved Oscars.

Are strong women just threatening? I bet that's why there's a firestorm of judgy all over Paula Deen this week--because she achieved success in her own right without a man. If Anthony Bourdain gets lung cancer (which I hope he doesn't obviously) I bet no one will say "that arrogant dude was always smoking he had it coming" like they have with her diabetes.

I should have made sharpening pencils a leader duty in class instead of letting students volunteer to do it and then get gum as a reward. I need to change that.

Who ever came up with the nasal aspirator? It's useful for the baby but what were the ideas/prototypes they rejected because this one is just awful.

I miss Rosie O Donnel's old talk show.

I can't believe they're cancelling General Hospital I love that show. Haven't watched it in a year...but love it. Do we NEED a zillion talk shows all day instead of escapist fiction? I think this is another way to persecute women who are loyal to these shows and characters. It's not like they cancel football because it's been on forever and they'd get better ratings with some damn kardashian reunion.

Formula has vegetable oil in it. That's disgusting. In fact formulas *smell* disgusting. All of them. Ew.

My work pal has invited the Pea for a playdate with her munchkin. I know she lives out in the country. What if I can't find her house? I have a terrible spatial sense even with good directions.

Not My Finest Self

2012-01-19T17:29:00.000-06:00

I'm not feeling good about myself right now because I yelled. I don't do that, as a rule. But I did. The kid argued with me and screamed at the top of his voice and kicked something. Does that justify shouting at him? Um, not really. In fact he probably reacts so hyperdefensively because of actions he has observed at home. Perhaps he gets his way doing that or perhaps those who dominate his home life model these behaviors.

I know these things. In the moment, I chose to holler instead of being mindful of these challenges. Ironically what I yelled was "DO not scream in my classroom." Kind of a mixed message there probably.

***
I was not all bad today. I innovated a way to get my kiddos to stop playing in the bathroom.
I take them on "compulsory" restroom excursions four to five times daily as a group anyway. Now I'm pitting them against each other in a competition to see if the boys or girls "win" by getting everyone out of the bathroom and lined up quietly first.

As long as I treat quietly as a relative term, it works.

And whichever side wins gets a star stamp on their hands and get to line up first for everything and get priority on the computers if they haven't had computer time yet that day. It is now perhaps more fervently desired than my gum stash.

In my rush to leave work when faculty are dismissed I left my pumped milk in the minifrig in my room which is not so reliable. Not good.

Also, from the Adventures in Pumping, the office paged me during lunch and said there was a father there who needed to pick up his son's work NOW and insisted on seeing me.

I can't, I said, tell him to wait ten minutes. I'm sorry.\

What I wanted to say was Dude I get one 25 minute break a day and I'm strapped to a breast pump. Try CALLING FIRST or just WAIT.

I felt wholly justified in completing my pump despite the fact that said parent got tired of waiting and left.

***

Mean Mrs. Mathews

2012-01-18T18:28:00.000-06:00

You know in that book, Miss Nelson is Missing, how the teacher disguises herself and acts mean to her unruly class and then they're thrilled to have her back? Yeah-well nice mrs. mathews is gone, baby, gone. And she ain't coming back this year.

I decided after yesterday's misery that if they were going to be my worst nightmare, I could return the favor.

Every moment of the day was spent observing and correcting unacceptable behaviors.

Here's what they learned:

"I don't WANNAAAAA" is not an appropriate response to the instructions "open your math book to page 41"

Throwing a classmate into the floor and beginning to pound him is not tolerated.

"I'm not gonna write those I'll tear it up and throw it away!" is a ticket to some big trouble.

Arguing with the teacher isn't going to get you anything desirable.

The teacher WILL blow her whistle in the bathroom if you haven't come out after ten minutes.

I have several really excellent kids who are fellow hostages on the highway to hell and I'm concentrating on making it more enriching and pleasant for them. Someone should have a good year and since it clearly won't be me, it ought to be them at least.
I tried being nice and fun. Forget that noise.

One of Those Days

2012-01-17T16:51:00.000-06:00

Oh it was a rough one.

They told me NO.
They fought in the middle of the classroom.
They threw chairs at each other and me.
They wet their pants intentionally. (when i worked at jail they had a code for malicious urination/defecation...i thought i was beyond having to deal with that sort of thing).
They spent 25 minutes in the bathroom playing. They shouted.

I was pleasant, humorous, a good sport. I was firm, I was menacing, I assigned extra spelling words and gave gum to the kids who cooperated.

I am the "bad" teacher now.

I wrote notes and called parents. They threatened to remove children from my class because I cant "control" them.

I don't control people. Sorry.

I've always thought I should be boss of the world. Evidently I'm not the only one who thinks I ought to be able to manage that.

Fault

2012-01-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

Do you have any idea how long I have blamed myself?

Let's see--since September 22, the day she was born. The day they whisked her away to surgery and then the NICU. Because, they said, her lungs were not developed.

As it turns out, the need for the procedure on her lungs was likely due to the force of suction required to deliver her causing the lungs to fill with fluid. Ditto the cause of the jaundice.

So every biophysical profile I had during my last trimester, every sonographer who told me the baby was healthy, her lungs were good, and she was ready to be born--they were right.

It doesn't change the fact that she needed the surgery or that she received excellent care in NICU for which I'm forever grateful.

But it wasn't my fault. That matters to me somehow.

Photo Book

2012-01-16T11:43:00.002-06:00

Y'all, I finally made sp a baby book--whilst hooked to the breast pump. Check it out below--the ultimate photo bomb for the pea's adoring fans. Not the most meticulously curated book I've made but not bad for 20 minutes. It'll make you smile.

Click here to view this photo book larger

Click here to create your own Shutterfly photo book.

Belated Holiday Photo Bomb

2012-01-16T11:29:00.000-06:00

Diva seldom transfers pics from camera to computer so these are just now arriving on the old hard drive. If they don't make you grin, I suspect you're not human.
Behold the holiday dress. I kept her in it an hour then adjourned to cozy jammies as god intended.

Okay this is taking forever. I've been uploading three pictures for TWO HOURS why why why?
I give up

Here Is the Difference

2012-01-15T12:37:00.002-06:00

When the baby vomits (often)...

The Mommy Response:

1. Arms up to clear airway
2. Warm washcloth
3. Nasal aspirator
4. Clean outfit
5. Pedialyte

The Daddy Response:

"well that was FUN--not!"
followed by thrusting the vomit soaked infant at me so he could run and take a shower and get clean clothes on himself. Because "ICK IT GOT ON HIM" lol.

Raise your hand if you've gone to work/outside world with baby vomit on clothing and in hair? Yeah, me too.

All Good

2012-01-14T07:42:00.000-06:00

I lurvvvvved the pediatrician we saw yesterday. I was tempted to quote Fokker's post when she stated that a grateful mother would be happy to perform sexual favors for Obamacare if it were a person. Let's say that if this lady doctor were so inclined, I would have offered lol.

Our dr, whom I like but who is very very conservative in treating the acid reflux (i.e. I had to *beg* for zantac), is on vacation so the senior partner who is retired to raise her kiddos covered for her and was Le Fabulous. A goddess. A true Betty.

She did not consider costly and uncomfortable medical tests to be necessary (yay!) and suggested we change the sweet pea from the nasty smelling and tasting formula supplement to one that is less nasty and more likely to reduce the vomiting. She said if the formula doesn't help significantly we will change her medicine as well. She didn't throw the kitchen sink at it, which I appreciate greatly, but was willing to work with us to make sp more comfortable.

Now, SP gets four formula feedings a day and four to five breastmilk feedings as well. The formula's necessary because I've never produced enough breastmilk to feed her that exclusively. Since I have to give her formula it would be nice if it wasn't disgusting. She tends to refuse the nutramigen she was on. DH is terrified to switch because he had a true milk allergy as a child and was on nutramigen and fears that she has the same. My responsse? We still have two cans. If she has trouble, we switch back!

I cannot say enough good about this physician she was just so practical and plainspoken and nice. The first thing she said was "I don't think I've seen Elizabeth before. Aren't you just a little sweet pea?" Um, why yes she is!!!

The pea clocked in at eleven pounds nine ounces of wiggling baby girl and she partied with the baby in the mirror for a good thirty minutes while we waited in the exam room. It was a flailing good time.

In other news I went to babies r us to get breastmilk storage bags and nearly fainted from the glorious beauty of colorful spring baby clothes by koala kids (organic soft and gorg). I resisted. We are a carters.com people--comfy terry sleepers for $7. Sometimes I get my acquisitive little head turned by stuff like floaty aqua sundresses.

This brings me to one of my new favorite things to do...letting sp pick out her clothes. I hold up two sleepers and she will invariable touch one of them. I then hold them up one at a time and she consistently spurns one and favors another--usually purple. Her daddy's favorite color is purple and unless we have bright yellow, she always selects purple clothes. To quote Daddy's fave character Londo from B5..."in purple [she is] stunning".

I marvel at her spirit--opinions and personality. She's a real little person. It astounds me. Her favorite cooing sound (and she squawks up a storm) is awww goooo.

To me that sounds like "all good." Which it most certainly is.

The Essentials

2012-01-12T19:16:00.000-06:00

First, I'm deeply grateful to be inside where it's warm and safe with my sweet baby girl on such a cold snowy night. There are students I worry about in weather like this, whose homes I suspect are less snug, less stable than my own.

Now I want to offer an assortment here--a mixed nuts approach to things that make my life much easier as a woman, a teacher and a mom.

Smashbox Limitless Eyeliner
It makes me look less dead exhausted. We learned in kindergarten--underline it if you want people to notice...your name, your vocabulary words. It makes sense to draw a line around your eyes. Especially if, like mine, they want to close all the time.

Birkenstocks
Yes it is by far the most I've ever spent on a pair of shoes...worth it! Because I can stand up in them for a long long time without getting back pain. And i think they are quirky and cute, personally. I wear them with everything. Don't judge.

TheTeachersGuide.com
A clearinghouse of fabulous printable teaching materials including links to good quality educational games, safe search engines and my fave--a bunch of excellent worksheets tailored for the harcourt reading series which we use at school. So so so good.

Nap Nanny
It's a firm, molded resilient foam recliner for Sweet Pea--she's snoozing in it right now. It cost the moon but it was THE ANSWER for us because she is with us on the bed (this is *not* how the instructions recommend using it--it should be placed on the floor away from all furnishings) but at an incline for her acid reflux and safer than being in the bed in my arms. We love love love it and she sleeps very well in it--cozy.
The Pea sleeps in hers and I strap her into it and set her beside me on the floor while I pump and she loves to be read to while she relaxes in her napnanny.

I am NOT affiliated with any of these products in any way. I just like them and wanted to pass along the recommendations because they could make someone's life easier besides mine.

Sweet Pea Is the Best Medicine

2012-01-11T19:26:00.000-06:00

The Pea always makes me feel better and forget whatever headache, backache or exhaustion that was plaguing me. So it stands to reason that taking her to see my grandma in the hospital would have a rejuvenating effect.

GG was thrilled to see the SP and whilst my Aunt the Nurse was talking about tests and preps and prognoses, GG interrupted with "Stop it. I just want to look at SP." She also mentioned that her charge nurse called her "sweet pea" before learning her name which we take as a good sign.

THe Pea was at her most charming, grinning and cooing and being rosy-cheeked adorable beneath sickly fluorescent lighting and amid distasteful hospital smells. This was especially valient considering the fact that SP has thrown up most of the day and is being worked in to see the pediatrician on friday (I'll be taking off work again but it is NECESSARY) in hopes of relief, insight or magic. I'd take any of the three or all if possible.

Now you *know* that made you feel better!

Fault.

2012-01-11T06:08:00.000-06:00

I've already been beaten with the bad day stick and it's not even 6am.

Last night, dh said he would do the 11:30 feeding. I went to bed at 11:15.

At 2am after 30min of trying to console sp who was fussy i asked dh to take over and he said oh i guess i need to feed her.

HE HADN'T FED HER.

HE SET HIS ALARM WRONG--11:30AM instead of PM.

But...it's not his fault because the alarm was wrong.

Um, I do not think "fault" means what you think it means, sir.

So I tried to nurse her but she was so upset she couldn't latch on. When he finally got the bottle heated he drowsed while she ate, letting the starving baby guzzle and gulp till she vomited it all up. So I cleaned her up and heated another bottle and changed her clothes and the pack and play sheet and did the nasal aspirator and fed her and burped her while he complained how tired he was and how he didn't know why i was mad when he was not at fault.

I don't think "fault" meets that definition. I cried. I was so upset that my starving hungry baby threw up. I am still mad as a hornet.

Then my mom texted that she was having asthma issues. I gathered that she was unsure whether she could keep the pea today as she needs to rest after such a difficult night. So I faced having to miss work THE SECOND TIME IN THREE DAYS because of a childcare crisis. I have a harrowing parent meeting at 7:40 today and can't skip it since it's a resched from Monday. Thankfully she is going to try to keep the baby anyway. She's a champion grandma but I worry about her not taking good care of herself. No, I don't have anyone else less than an hour and fifteen minutes away who could take care of the sp and they are likely busy.

Then I got an email about a query I sent in June! It was a big fat rejection!!!!!

I WILL MAKE THIS DAY BETTER. I won't let it create bad classroom weather.

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab...

2012-01-10T05:58:00.000-06:00

"I caaaaaaan't" I offered my best imitation of a toddler's whine. The alarm. It was going off. At 4:35 after I JUST TOLD IT TO QUIT at 4:30. Its insistence was becoming offensive. I felt the urge to break up with it.

Then I remembered some crap like:

a. I'm an adult and have to get up when the alarm goes off.
b. I have a job I have to get ready for.
c. I need to pump.
d. If I don't get up now I won't have time to put on makeup and I won't need to use my scary voice to get those kids in line because they'll all be weeping and rocking themselves in terror because THIS is what 33 looks like with zero sleep.
e. I don't wannnnaaaaaaa
f. I have a child to take care of.

The last one was really the only reason that made a dent.

Sweet Pea had a Rough Night, the first in a while. She squalled and shrieked inconsolably for two hours.
Unsure if it was the swollen gums/teething thing since she didn't howl any worse when I touched her gums, I refused to give her tylenol, terrified down to my soul that I would just be drugging my kid so she'd be quiet. It makes me gag to think of it.

After two hours dh said forlornly, Lora she is in PAIN give her some tylenol. So I gave her ONE-THIRD of her teensy infant dose to see if it would help but to assure myself I wasn't just trying to knock her out in frustration. I have a terror of this ever since I found out that the tylenol makes her sleepy. I WILL NOT do that. It's like having a scary scary scary crutch offered to you, like the time I took excedrin because I was tired not because I had a headache. It's a dangerous and terrifying path that I want to avoid vigilantly.

So twenty minutes later I felt her whole body relax and she went to sleep. And thirty minutes after that I had to get her up to eat and she woke without difficulty so was not in a drugged stupor or anything. Still, I have a deep mommy guilt about tylenol.

Here's why.

Last Friday I gave her tylenol prophylactically. Because my mil was keeping her and she'd had teething pain the night before and I didn't want Someone deciding she didn't Need Relief and withholding tylenol. So now I feel like I drugged the baby that time and I cringe at the thought. I will never do that again but I feel awful about it. I'm still beating myself up.

I am such an Amy Winehouse song right now.

I'm also psycho today because it's 5:40 and I'm ready an hour early except for feeding the pea and throwing my diaper bag in the truck. I have NO IDEA how I got so efficient. I suspect I have forgotten to do something essential. I hate that feeling.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday. I happen to know one of my kids is in detention today. I'm trying to not feel relieved about that but I do.