Little-Little Sih... I Can!

12 (When the Days Are Numbered)

2012-01-29T22:58:00.002+07:00

What's the difference between 12 years and 12 months? It's blatantly obvious some might say. What if someone told you (or someone close to you) that you can not last any longer, your days are numbered, and there's nothing in anyone of this world's power to prevent it? And that someone happens to be a doctor, a competent one actually, not a psychic, oracle, or a supernatural mumbo-jumbo. I once heard a song that said:" It's easier to leave than to be left behind". and damn right it is. I have many things in life to be regretted, but I have to move on. I have learned the hard way that sometimes life cannot be planned, especially when it concerns someone else, and you just have to accept it. In fact, I've already stopped making plans, for a while now. It turn out that whether you planned it, or just take it for granted, life always surprises you. Nobody lives forever, so everyone might as well take a seat and just enjoy the ride.

Bad Blood

2012-01-02T08:40:00.002+07:00

Some people says that among siblings, there always be one "bad blood" or in the simplest term, loser. There can be only one (not in highlander term) that cannot follow others successes. Sometimes, the loser one gets the worst fate, either become a lifetime bachelor or got divorced (many times), never seem to settle down (changing jobs often with low income), caught in bad debt (and chased by many cruel debt collectors), get very sick or insane, or even becomes a criminal and get in jail. Well, it may be true or not necessarily a golden rule, but in the family with more than two children, something like this may be unavoidable because the children did not get equal treatment or attention from the parents. I cannot imagine if this happen to a smaller family of one or two children, one bad blood is too much. Of course, no one wants it, we always hope for the best to happen, so take this with a grain of salt, or just ignore it completely.

A Million Rupiahs Fish

2011-11-26T21:13:00.001+07:00

For real. Earlier this week, I got a phone call from an old friend offering me a job. Being a helpless, dropped-out-once-again-from-college, and completely broke, the most undesirable bachelor as myself, how can I say no? So I packed my bags and went back to Jakarta, back to old habits. My first weekend gave me a big surprise when I (and my sister's family) realized that we just ate the most spectacular dish on our lunch. It was a fish, cooked half in sweet and sour sauce, and half steamed, quite delicious actually. But the unforgettable factor was the price. The fish was valued by its weight, I don't know the rate, but the total price is about one million rupiahs, yes you read it correctly. And now the meal sticks in my stomach like a stamp. Fishes never taste the same since.

My Brother's Engaged

2011-11-21T18:40:00.001+07:00

After my older brother tied the knot, now my younger one got engaged. Last weekend, I have to go on a road trip from Semarang to Malang as "cargo" service carrying all the stuff for the occasion. Accompanied by two drivers, the trip takes about 10 hours with all the breaks, either deliberate (toilet, eat) or not (traffic jam). While the two drivers can take shift, I forced myself to stay awake during the whole trip. Wondering what my eyes look like now, inside I'm feeling like a zombie. Eventually, some eyes keep looking at me as some kind of pariah, single, broke, and jobless. A waste of society if you may say. Then, they start talking to my mother, brothers, and sister right behind my back (literally). They just can't stop it, don't they?. I don't have to be reminded about all the things they said, I've been there before, just all of my life actually.

That's It, Folks

2011-11-01T21:40:00.001+07:00

I'm outta here. They finally expel me. After two years of torturing each other, they finally made up their mind about us. The reason is that our time is up... last year (apparently). The thing is, we never know for sure how much time we got. Hey, my brother finished his master degree longer than me, of course he paid the tuition himself. Well, no use to regret it now. I guess I have accomplished my goal when I saw my name near the top of that list three years ago. The rest of the dream has vanished when they announced that we would not getting that multiple autographs on the diploma. Funny how luck can change in the matter of months. I got my holiday abroad and now I wonder if I have to pay it back now. Time to flee...

The Comeback of My 5050

2011-10-18T12:52:00.002+07:00

Of course I'm referring to my laptop, Acer Aspire 5050, which has accompanied me for the past four years. Last month, it died suddenly and wouldn't power up. After I checked it at the local repair store, it turned out to be a motherboard short-circuit. The repair went a little longer because of the computer expo that made the repair store closed for 5 days. Luckily, the laptop is now full operational, but one feature is gone: the touchpad. It seemed that the damage has forced a trade-off between the touchpad and the rest of the system. Well, that's not even a choice to make. I got myself busy installing new hard drive and configuring triple boot operating system and now the 5050 is back in business!

Living in a Hospital

2011-08-19T23:51:00.000+07:00

That's where I was for the past three weeks. My mother got tumor and have to go under the knife. As the only "idle" and "available" child, I must step up to stay with her in the hospital. Just two years ago I lost my father, I just cannot afford to lose my mother this time. The visitors were flowing like water, feels like eid.All the way into the first week of Ramadan (fasting), and my defense went down. I got the flu. Well, at least the crisis has passed.

Over My Shoulder (Looking Back)

2011-07-07T23:17:00.001+07:00

Going to a reunion has never been a pleasure for me. I missed two past high school reunions on purpose. In this age, with no job, no family, no...thing to be proud of, I find it hard to tell stories to my old friends. Luckily, I've known to be the silent one in school, if not the mute. So, against all expectation, I got to this reunion last week. Well, it turned out to be decent, not as disastrous as I imagine. Many times I just sat there, accompanied with my old friends, playing catch-up from the last time. And all I did was just listening to their chatter, and to tell them as little as I want, at least I've nothing to hide. It's good to hang out again with them, to remember the good old days (well, looking back now, the old days must be that good!). I just realized two things: my life may be not that miserable (comparing to them, but again, different standards apply) and how far I have walked away from that days when we were together. Twenty years, how can you imagine that?

Stuck in a Moment (and You Can't Get Out of It)

2011-06-02T16:17:00.000+07:00

Well, imagine you're in a bus on the way home, no air conditioning (economy class), fairly occupied (nearly full), still halfway in the afternoon, and got traffic jam? Yes, it happened when some road repair project doing their thing in this crowded Friday afternoon, on a two-way, up and down interstate road. It took a full hour to get out of the jam with so much sweat and swear words from the bus passengers. What a way to spend a birthday! The next trip home, we faced a simultaneous impact (we called it "karambol") between a container truck, two Avanzas, one Panther, and a public transport, and also two big mahoni trees. It just took a while to drag the damned truck out of the street.

Disjointed Programme?

2011-05-04T22:55:00.000+07:00

Well, it's not the best kept secret anymore, apparently. Our compatriot from Bandung has been concerned about the inconsistency of their Jogjakarta counterpart, especially about the curriculum. And now, the question is: should the joint programme, currently in the fourth batch, be dismissed? After all, this program is already disjointed since the first batch, no continuation abroad, no synchronization between colleges, confusing curriculum, unbalanced theses, and finally undistinguished diploma from the comparable regular program. In short, the joint programme is disjointed and doomed from the beginning, when the entire first batch could not make it to Germany as students. And three batches later, nothing has changed, nor improved from the initial situations. Well, at least we could make it through, safe and sound (well, most of us did).

Across the Bridge

2011-04-21T06:00:00.001+07:00

Well, the London bridge is not falling down, Pabelan bridge is, at least half of it. For a while, the traffic from Jogjakarta to Magelang, especially for big vehicle, must take another route. In that time, as a bus commuter we must stop before the bridge, walk across the surviving half of the bridge, and take another bus on the other side, and vice versa. Merapi eruption is over, but the materials of sand and rocks are still up there, ready to go down in fashion, a cold lava flood. Yet we never know where else they would go, or what else is gonna be destroyed.

Right Before Your Eyes

2011-03-09T07:34:00.000+07:00

Yesterday, as me and my brother drove in our car out of town, we saw a car suddenly made u-turn and crashed into a truck coming from the opposite direction. I'd never forget the sound, as we were stunned, speechless, and finally ran away from the scene. Well, my brother needed to make it to his office on time, and there's nothing we can do. The car was wrecked, and don't ask me about the driver, judging from the shape of the car's bonnet, God only knows. All along the way to our destination we can't stop talking about it. We sometimes saw accidents along the way, even got into one ourselves, but never witnessed it, on that close range. And yet, I still can't find a single news about it online, wonder if I should check the nearest news stand.

The Deadliest Deadline?

2011-02-01T18:42:00.000+07:00

After 3 full months of waiting in vain, finally there's some update on our status. Confusingly, we were told to get a special letter called "The Accelerated Supervision" for our theses supervisors to remind that we have reached our deadline (officially dead? again?). It's kind of shocking but in this program, nothing can ever surprise us in any way anymore.So, I come to get the letter this morning. Along the way, I asked what exactly happened since the last deadline notice (last October). The answer is: we were set to bypass the whole theses procedure directly to the final theses examination, but the proposal was postponed in every meeting held since then, before finally rejected. And so, we were thrown back to our last situation, after throwing back 3 full months without consulting our supervisors, to follow the same procedures all over again. It's not surprising, yet still irritating and undeserving. Guess I'm still gonna hang on for a little while now.

White City (As the End Draws Near)

2010-11-02T05:27:00.000+07:00

The timing couldn't be more appropriate. The ultimate final deadline for our study is coming (or so it seems), and one of the most active volcanoes in this country has just errupted. And this city is white, covered in ashes. Wow, is this the end of the an era? Well, I wasn't here when the great earthquake shook this city five years ago, but now I was forced, or maybe just being persuaded to engage the scene. At the same time of the eruption, I got distracted by composing the supposed-to-be-called my thesis, under the threat to terminate our study and provide us with the debt that we could not possibly ever afford to pay. Well, it is said that there is no free lunch, in some other way you always have to pay.

Yet Another Deadline

2010-10-22T15:30:00.000+07:00

Yes, you heard it right, another (the third if I'm not mistaken) deadline has arrived. By the end of this month, we must either graduate or die... I mean dropped out. We don't know if there will be monetary penalty or not. Well, as if monthly penalty (which we were never informed at first place) isn't bad enough, we might face the whole scholarship bailout. Well, talk about getting death penalty twice, this is as bad as you can imagine. We, three remaining survivors, are like lambs to the slaughter, as it's virtually impossible to make it to the deadline set just one week ahead. And we still have is our necks to spare, so enjoy it while it lasts. (sigh...)

Here Comes the Bailout

2010-05-18T10:45:00.002+07:00

Yet another deadline for us. By next month, it's do or die. And I still wonder where the hell is my warning letter? I haven't change my address just yet since the first time I joint the programme. Well, here comes the bailout, at least for the sponsor (or is it?). This programme is a mess, and we got to take the fall. The weakest link, the bottom of the food chain. I got to admit that we are not totally innocent. We just can't predict that it will go this far, pathetically. And yet, the deadline always changes, unsurprisingly. One of our friend that has been graduated last February got to pay some penalties. Did he meet the deadline or not? It seems that we are caught between two deadlines: from the institution and the sponsor. Either way, we lose. If we meet the deadline, we pay the institution. If we don't, we pay the sponsor AND the institution (?). Wow, time to flee... (any suggestions?)

Guinea Pig (An Eulogy)

2010-03-19T03:56:00.000+07:00

First thing first, guinea pigs are not pig nor do they come from Guinea. They are actually some kind of rodent (rats) that come from Andes, South America. In popular terms, they are called "Lab Rats" because they are commonly used as experimental object. A noble title, but not without consequences. Guinea pigs must take every kind of treatments never done before to any kind of life form. New medicines or chemical substances, or even poisonous materials always come first through their systems. Nobody will remember them when they're gone, no names or some kind of identification. The experiments done to them are not even guaranteed to be successful, many of them are failed or must be redone. When one of more of them die, will somebody ever give a damn? They've paid their due, after all. When one project is successful, not one of them is mentioned in the report, just numbers, as a whole. They are not unique individuals, just a bunch of selected population considered suitable for the experiment, where the consideration is purely subjective. And now, finally the cage is broken, at least they still hold our chains, our wedlock. They might sue even when the whole condition and precaution are constantly changing on daily basis. Because guinea pigs have no rights, just obligations to the master. One time you are in the limelight, nowadays you are on the corner, hung to dry. But they came here with nothing, so it's all you'll ever get. The time is running out...

Imagine you're one of them.

To Joint or Not to Joint?

2010-02-12T09:39:00.001+07:00

The joint programme chronicle is continued, or is it really? It is said that the third batch is running into some problems, especially in western front. There are not enough participants therefore the program has not started there yet. The second batch is still hanging on the sending abroad part, which is only applied to three candidates. One candidate has already gone, and the other two remain uncertain. The first batch is expected to graduate next March, and the second batch in April. For me, personally, this saga is already over. There should not be another, as it became clearer that this program is going nowhere. Even to establish a identity for the participants and ensure their future after graduating. All that left is despair and anger, and mostly, helplessness.

Three Times a Programme

2009-12-26T18:38:00.003+07:00

Well, seems that I've been rely on an unreliable source. Indeed, the third joint programme has been initiated after all. I've got to watch less infotainment next time :) Let's just hope that this will be a better one, a much better one for the sake of the participants. And the first batch has given the deadline, on February 28th 2010. We've got our spell now, it's time to work our a** off if we still want to get that degree.

Joint the Programme!

2009-10-31T12:45:00.003+07:00

Finally, the nail has been hit into Joint Programme's Coffin. The third batch of Joint Programme has been officially aborted. The link and page for Joint Programme has been missing from MST website. So much for billions of Rupiahs have been spent. Not one side in this program is completely satisfied. The commissioners, stakeholders, participants (especially), and supporting sides is somewhat dissatisfied with the outcomes. When 11 of 20 participants are finally graduated by the end of this month, the big question is still hanging, what the hell are we gonna do with them. They are (mostly) some of the best graduates from UGM and ITB for the past five years, and yet this state has nothing to offer. So, who's to blame when we look at the remaining nine, one is disappeared (literally), four are more concerned about getting a job, two are more concerned about their family, and the rest are history? Well, don't get me started about the second batch, the one who 70% of them are failed in one particular course known as economic investment analysis!

Why Should I Write About You?

2009-10-23T17:21:00.000+07:00

It's been forty days since my father's gone. Such a moment to commemorate, yet I can't find the gut to write about it. Twelve years in handicapped status, constantly deteriorated, sometimes I think death has just knocked on the door. It's only a matter of time. My father's sickness was really stressing, even depressing not only for him but also the entire family. How can you write about something so depressing, watching someone close to you slowly degrade into the end of the line in such a long and painful way anyone could ever imagined?

Ironically, I don't have much to say about my father when he's alive. Yes, he's been a very good father and a role model for us, but there's not much left out of it. All I can remember is how he took education very seriously, how he was angry when I blew my midterm grade back in high school, how he's always there when we got into college. My father himself visited me in Bandung all the way from Semarang by regular bus!.That was right before the stroke comes and destroys anything good in him. I remember taking his hand to the mosque every Friday. We had to come very early so that we can take a special place in the mosque before it got occupied by someone else.
The last two years were the most depressing times after he was completely incapable to move or assisted to move. He was also completely lost his ability to communicate in any way. It makes both sides frustrated, and made us can only think of the worst possibility that might happens.

And now that my father's gone, we still learn to live without him. My mother still finds it difficult to sleep getting accustomed to keep an eye on my father every night. My father left a hole, an empty space that used to fill this house up, even in his condition. Now this house feels so vacant, I cannot imagine how we can solve this dilemma. The way we lived revolves around him, and we have to determine a new course now, and so far is not yet determined. That's something that not many people understand, when all they care about is irritating me and my brother about our spouses-to-be and our aging state.

Yeah, We're All Eliminated!

2009-08-26T14:18:00.000+07:00

It seems that I'm all mistaken. Turns out that we all are scraps of this program. Nothing good seems to come out. The best of us are wasted, the rest of us are hopeless. There's no way we can win. A joint program is supposed to be a collaborative work that includes more than one side. But in the end, what's left is a name, a jargon. without followup. I don't need the degree nor the certificate, it's all just papers. I've had all I got to survive this life. But the rest of my friends in this program need them so much. They have sacrificed much, time, effort, enthusiasm, and passion.They are more than deserve their recognitions. Now it seems that every piece of this program has a mind of their own about it. This is not joint program after all, this is not even a program. This is a reality show where nobody wins. Yeah, we're all eliminated!

Food Poisoning(?)

2009-07-28T03:30:00.002+07:00

I'm not really sure what happened, suddenly I feel pain all over my stomach, and I threw up, from all outlets. I drained out, dehydrated, losing so much fluid. Well, talk about eat the wrong food. All I can remember that I have just enjoyed a nice lunch with some pasta I bought from the store nearby. I put it in the microwave for about 10 minutes and actually, it was quite enjoyable, my first proper meal here cooked (or at least, prepared) by me. The pasta was called penne, with chicken, mushroom, paprika, and cheese sauce. Now I feel like a cloth after washing, ready to hang to dry.

Sleepless in Karlsruhe

2009-07-16T18:22:00.002+07:00

Coming to Germany in summer has a big advantage, especially for tropical citizen like me. The weather is similar to my hometown, which only knows two seasons: summer and rainy. Summer in Germany, or in Europe, get the two seasons combined. Temperature is around 28 degrees, quite comfortable for us getting used to temperature above 30 degrees. While people here longing for the sunshine, we from tropical country have got enough for it back home. Also, it makes the best environment for holiday and sightseeing. People don't hesitate to go out and walk in the sun. But there is also drawbacks. The biggest one is the time. In summer, the sun sets at 10.00 pm and rise at 03.00 am. Consequently, the prayer time is also adjusted accordingly. The day is longer, so the Duhr is now at 1.30 pm, Asr at 5.30 pm. That is OK, but when we see that Magrib is 09.30 pm, Isha at 11.40 pm, and Fajr (Subuh) is at 03.15 am, well how many hours can we sleep? Counting up the number, and you got three. Yes, three hours of sleep. And facing the fasting month coming up, if we must prepare for sahur before Fajr, then we get no hours left for sleep! Yes, we're gonna be sleepless in Karlsruhe soon.

I Should Be So Lucky

2009-07-12T22:32:00.000+07:00

Some times ago, someone told me that I am a lucky man, because I virtually do nothing to get an invitation letter to get me here now. I just sit back and do whatever came to me. My friend told me to upload my passport scan, OK. Another day he wanted me to send me CV, I'd do that too. And then, snap! the letter just came to my lap. There was some work to do to make sure I can go abroad, but that's just routine. And the rest is history, they say...

Although I always see my life as a series of unfortunate events, I always thank God for that, because there are many fortunes, too. My unfortunate was followed by a fortune, and vice versa. I got dropped out from college followed by my acceptance in UGM, my first job came through Yahoo! Messenger chatting after 6 months of fighting, my firing from that job followed by another job instantly, I got invitation for postgraduate scholarship out of nowhere, my failure to get ito the big five followed by this invitation letter. So, I see that as... life as we know it. Sometimes we get lucky, most of times someone else is.