Little Mary's Little Blog

Tiny Little Dainty Snow Flakes

2008-02-12T20:35:01-08:00

So I was stuck inside my little hole for 8 days because of the snow. No TV, no internet, no telephone. Just tiny little me, Maurice (my little blue beta fish) and lots of books. At first, I thought �??Cool beans! I can read and write and meditate and think! By the time I can get out I�??ll be a brand new little woman! I�??ll have my whole life figured out! �?? He-he-he. You already knew I was a little crazy. Well, it was okay for the first couple of days. But you should look at my bookshelves. My little books are anything but little�?� I don�??t have any nice, cheesy, romance novels or thrillers. I have Shakespeare and Carl Jung. I know. You�??re thinking I�??m only 8 years old what am I doing reading Jung? I like it�?� it�??s really very interesting to read. Outside, in the sun, while drinking lemonade after watching Finding Nemo. Not so good when you have been stranded in snow without touch with civilization. I started thinking I was going to turn into crazy Jack in the movie The Shinning. Don�??t worry, Maurice is still alive. I snapped out of it. As soon as I gave up trying to be productive and make the most out of my little confinement. I just let go and surrendered to the nothing-to-do-ness. Imagine! Little busy bee me! It was hard. But oh so nice!

But anyway, the point of this little post is this: I watched the snow. From my windows. I watched it a lot. It snowed mountains! I heard roads were closed. Highways! And I thought of all the people stranded at home or at work or wherever. The phone lines were broken. And who knows what other little mishaps it caused. Now, here�??s the little thing, though. Have you ever seen a snow flake?! I opened one of the windows once and grabbed one on the tip of my little finger. I had one little second to admire its precise little fragile beauty before it melted. How could that tiny thing cause so much mayhem?

I started picturing how it all started. Up in the sky. Inside God�??s townhouse on the clouds. She calls up the Jester and She says: �??I want you to make sure no one down on Earth leaves their house for 8 days except to slide around in plastic trays and make temporary sculptures in the open air. I want cars to not be able to move around. I want highways to be closed. I want schools to cancel classes. I want trees and hills and houses to turn white and almost disappear. I want it all to look like fairyland. You have 24 hours.�?? And the Jester says with a desperate look on his face: �??How am I supposed to do that?�?? And then God hands him a gorgeous, tiny, little, fragile snowflake. The Jester looks at the dainty flake. It disappears. The Jester looks pleadingly at God. She says: �??You may have as many of these as you want. Don�??t worry, I�??ll make sure it stays cold enough to keep them from melting.�??

And for a while the Jester freaks out. He runs around pulling his hair out and worrying at the impossibility of his task. He sits and thinks for a moment or two but it is hopeless. His instructions are clear. His powers are limited. His time is running out. He is tired and frustrated. All that�??s left for him to do is to start throwing the little flakes down. That�??s all he can do and so that is all he does for the remaining 18 hours.

Never underestimate the power of little dainty things. Do them enough and do them with faith and soon it will mount to something huge.

A Little Death

2008-02-07T13:25:19-08:00

Holy Moly Boo. It has been a little while. A huge little while, I know. I am so very sorry for all my little invisible friends out there. After my best little friend �??passed away�?? I must admit I got a little indulgent in my depression. I traveled deep into the darkest corners of my little hole. This little hole that I call home. There were no more little sunny thoughts, it�??s true. And so I stopped writing for my little blog. Because I didn�??t want to depress you, little invisible readers. But what Crystal said went straight into my clouded over little heart. It pierced right through the thick black clouds. And it hurt a little. A good kind of little pain. I guess it woke me up! What am I thinking in my silly little head?! Me! Little Bouncy Rosy Silly Beanie me?! No no no. This won�??t do. It is no excuse that my little invisible reading friends are shy and silent. It surely does not mean that they do not exist!

That�??s one thing that I have learned. During this little death of mine. Do not believe what your five little senses tell you. Just because you see something doesn�??t mean it exists. Just because you don�??t see something doesn�??t mean it doesn�??t exist. And the same little thing applies to every one of our five little senses. I mean, sure they can be very helpful, but they don�??t always tell the Truth. So you gotta have faith in your little heart and in your little soul. Because they are not little at all. Even if your faith is only as big as a grain of sand. Cuz that is just as big as a Giant Baked Bean. There is no little faith or big faith. You either have it or you don�??t. Bla! Enough little mumblings.

I is back! I went deep into my little hole and when I thought I was ready to come out I couldn�??t because a giant mountain of snow was blocking my door. And so against my will I crawled back in. All the way down the deepest littlest corner again. And now the sun is back out and the loud little blue birds are screaming. They think it�??s sweet music but it�??s not�?� It�??s okay. They are happy. Crumpled Paper had turned to mush and so I bought him snow boots for his little paper tires. The plantations look pretty desolate. My rosies all went to sleep with the snow. It�??s going to take some work and positive energy to revive them and replace them. In the end it will be a better garden. With better, stronger, more beautifuller roses. Funny to think that it was a Rose that woke me up and came knocking on my door to say the sun is out again. Cool beans.

Thank you little invisible but no so silent friend.

Ode to a Best Little Friend

2007-09-11T20:11:27-07:00

I had a friend. He was the best little friend of all my little life. I never was very good at making friends. Not best friends. Many people know me and though they are not, by no little means, enemies they are friendly but not Friends. Because I'm a little weird: I live in a hole; I have a big head; I was once stung in the head by a giant baked bean disguised as a bumbblebee; I was a hot air balloon; I'm eight years old. So I've always been a little guarded. Not unfriendly, by no little means no! But just a little careful about how close I get to them. People are complicated beings. They make strange little judgements. Sometimes quite involuntarily...

Anyway. He was different. He smiled a whole lot. He always saw the bright side of little things. And big things. And none of my little quirks seemed to upset him. I let them unfold slowly, one by one. For some reason I felt safe with him. Very safe. He was like a pool of warm, crystal clear water. Or an engulfing puff of fluffy cloud. All my little knots and worries melted away when he hugged me or said a little kind word. In the beginning I was scared of it. And I regret that. It might have hurt him a little, I wonder. Maybe the little seed of hurt grew into a giant oak tree.

He had a little darkness that always walked hand in hand with his lovely light. It was a lovely darkness. I cherished it. I think I loved him for his quirks. His little opposites. It made him this beautiful, full, complex, little person. We talked about everything. From snails to monkeys, from stars to islands. Jesus and music. Dreams and fears.

But I felt so safe with him I let out all of my little uglies. I really did. All of them. Every single one. Forget about looking like a hot air balloon. It was a lot uglier than that. And he was such a good little friend. He stayed close and strong. But I guess the little oak tree began to grow. And it grew and it grew and it grew. And now my best friend is gone.

One day he said he got a sick feeling in his stomach when he saw me. One day he said he should have known to stay away when he asked me my age and I pretended I hadn't heard him. One day he wrote me a bad little letter. Today he stopped writing me altogether.

Why do we love people? Do we really ever love them? Did I only love him because that was the easiest way of loving myself?

I have stopped hearing my little heart beat. I am feeling a little numb.

I will miss you dearly, my possibly-buthopefullynot-imaginary-best-little-friend.

May you rest in peace.

It's Not All Roses and Beans

2007-09-05T20:29:13-07:00

So, I'm a little ashamed. Because I've been so neglectful. I have not been watering this little garden of words. I gave myself many little excuses. Like I was too busy. Like I was too tired. Like nobody was going to read it anyway. The truth of the little matter is, I have been afraid.

I talk so much about being patient, and going with the flow, and the wonderfulness of it all. But lately I have not lived up to my little blog. I have been feeling trully yuc and lonely. Angry. Sad. Discouraged. And, yes, I must admit it, though it makes me a little nauseaus, HELPLESS. Ew.

I go to work, I come back to my little hole, I go to sleep, I go to work, I come back to my hole. And while I'm in my hole I just think bad thoughts and in a little effort to distract myself, since I don't have TV, I dig my hole deeper. New rooms, tunnels and secret passages. It has gotten to be quite the labyrinth. I've come very close to getting lost. Very very close. It's almost like I want to. I just keep digging deeper and deeper. The saddest little thing is, though, that I don't let myself get lost for fear of never being able to see the light again. I want to get lost so that someone will find me. Come help me. But I know no one will. So I never get quite deep enough. To get lost.

The little crux of the matter is that, somehow, I feel very very positively that in order for me to see the little light I MUST get totally and completely lost. I have to let go of the ledge. And free fall. Like I did the one time I was a deflated hot air balloon paddling in ocean water for dear life until I got so exhausted I just let go and let myself be dragged to the bottom of the ocean. That time Crazy Sgt. White Wave came to the rescue. I didn't even know her then. I should heed my own little advice, hum? Have faith that I will be okay. That Indiana Jones' invisible bridge will take shape and offer support.

My little guess is that I'm just having trouble with the metaphors. You know? So I was treadding water and I got tired, I let myself sink to the bottom; Indiana had an abyss to cross but no bridge, he took a step into the gap. How do I do that with life? Do I quit my job? Do I stop eating completely? Do I go on a binge of bad little things?

Nothing is moving. There is no black or white. It is all grey, still waters.
Sorry for being so not inspirational. But I still rather be truthful.

A Little Japan and a Little Sacred Fools

2007-07-22T14:52:21-07:00

Oy Vey! I know. I've been a little neglectful. I've been a little busy but that is no excuse, really. I've been helping my friend Mila Pesko turn the book about my life that she wrote into a one-woman show and I'm now in Tokyo trying to get us a publishing deal. Little me is doing big things! Anyway, if you are in Los Angeles you should go see Mila. Click here for more info.
I'll write again soon. I promise.

Little Says, Let Go a Little

2007-06-14T20:45:24-07:00

You know why they say "in order to get what you want you must not want it"? Because we want things the wrong way. Yea, it's true. How do you feel when you want something really badly? Like when you are in dance class and you can't quite get the combination but you really want to because it's so cool. Or when you want to solve a math problem. Or when you want to write a really cool post. Do you tense up and get frustrated and anxious? Do you call yourself stupid? Do you tear your little hair out? Well, I do. I do I do I do. I tie myself in little knots I guess you could say. And energy doesn't flow well through things with knots.

Creative energy. Energy that creates things. When we want things badly we shouldn't try to squeeze them out of our little bodies and minds. We should be freeing ourselves of little knots so that the energy that creates things can flow through us and inspire us and move us to the things we want. Like a breath. It's a little scary, I know. It's like stepping onto an invisible bridge. The tricky thing is that it only works if you believe and trust that it wil be there to hold you. Because when you doubt you get scared and anxious. And those are little knots. And they will make the bridge disappear. So believe little ones. Believe and trust and let go. Learn to want your little dreams the only way you are going to get them. With faith.

What Do You Say About This Little Story?

2007-06-07T18:36:46-07:00

So, I was driving Crumpled Paper, my little crumpled paper car, on the freeway today. I was coming home from a very good little day of delivering roses. I was listening to my favorite tape of Bob Marley songs, thinking about little things but I kept being interrupted by the noise of the cars passing me. (As you can imagine a LOT of cars pass me on the freeway.)

They all made unhealthy little noises. One after the other after the other. And I tought to my little self, people should take better care of their little cars! They shouldn't be driving them when they are sick like this. And then, after about the hundredth little sick car, I noticed they all sounded the same. And I thought to my little self, that sure is a little strange!

And then came the big revelation: I realized that the little not-healthy sound I was hearing everytime a car was passing me, was the reflection of the sound Crumpled Paper was making... My little car. Me.

Beans, Fairies, Aliens and Virgin Marys

2007-06-06T21:32:36-07:00

Why is it that in Ireland people see fairies, in the United States people see aliens and in Portugal people see the Virgin Mary? In Simpleton people see Giant Baked Beans... I personally prefer fairies. They are much cuter. Though sometimes just as mean. As Baked Beans I mean.

Are they all really just the same thing? That different eyes see as different shapes and sizes? Giant beans, little fairies, ugly aliens, Virgin Marys...

Are they mirrors? What does it say about little me that I see beans and not fairies? Does it mean anything? Do they mean anything? They must. They do. At least I am sure Baked Beans do. To me. Maybe not to you.

What do YOU see?

My Little Brain... My Little Little Brain...

2007-06-04T21:27:40-07:00

I can already see it. It's maybe happening all over again. The Bean. The Giant Bean. But not. This time I think my loonyness will materialize into one Big Giant Slimy Snail.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? Well, I'm not sure I can explain. Crazy little things happen in my little life. I go through these phases, these grow spurts. And if I resist them I get a present from life. A little teacher. Though they are hardly ever little. Last time it was a Giant Baked Bean. This time, I don't know what it is going to be.

I thought I was going to be able to avoid it but I'm not so sure anymore. I've been sooo good! I even started meditating. For one whole hour everyday. And now, all of a sudden, after the first half hour, my little brain just goes bye bye. It turns off. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I can get up with ALL the energy in the world and then CAPUT.

I know it is my little brain trying to avoid growth again. And so I try so very hard to stay awake. And the harder I try the harder my little brain fights back. So then I get tired and tired and more tired...

Carl Jung said "what we resist persists". Oy vey. Little conundrum... If I let my little brain fall asleep and avoid growth I might have another Giant Bean coming my little way but if I resist my little brain's resistance I'm going to inevitably pass out of exhaustion. Oh, what to do, where to go?

To sleep. To bed. Says Little Bratty Brain.

Maybe my little brain is a little fool after all. Maybe though it thinks it can hide in dreams, it is wrong. There is no hiding in the world of sleepy dreams! It is the mostness of a wide open space. It is where all the answers and all the questions live. It is where all the world's little souls go. Naked. At some point in their little tumultuous day. No exception. Things happen there without our having one little tiny say. We don't even get to pick who we are going to be.

So, goodnight little brain. I will stop fighting you and let you have your way. There's no one can stop you anyway. You are right. Who needs growth? Go to sleep. Go to sleep... ;)

Sure and Clear Grandma Rose

2007-05-30T21:35:00-07:00

My Grandma was the coolest. Not just because she may have been a vampire. But because she never gave one little wink to what anyone ever thought of her. Boy, don't I wish I had inherited one mimi ounce of that... She must have gotten it all. Because I take every little thing personally. Every little tiny eentsy bitsy thing. Sigh!

Anyway, I inherited her wardrobe when she disappeared. (No one has ever found her body. Some people think she's still alive. Sure, I say, she is cooking Elvis pig brains for breakfast...) I could never and won't ever be caught wearing any of her little "get ups". Not even on Halloween. But the funny little thing is that on me, the closet, or anybody else, her clothes look very very bad but on her, it wasn't that they looked good, lollipops no, but somehow you almost didn't notice. Or care. If her hair was purple, or she was wearing orange polka dots, or her socks were different neon colors. Nobody ever looked at her funny. Or put her picture in one of those magazine fashion DON'Ts pages.

Some people are just like that, aren't they? So sure and clear about who they are that nobody questions or judges their choices. That's just it, isn't it? The giant bean of the matter. When you are sure and clear the rest of the little world follows flute. Kinky Balloo is like that. Some of the things she does and says not even Santa would put up with if it came from anybody else.

Where do you find that? What do you call it? Can you learn it? Buy it? Borrow it?

I want it. You got some I could have?

Little Cuteness Too Much Substance...?

2007-05-28T19:08:09-07:00

I never meant for this little post to be so heavy... I feel like it's heavy... Not enough fluffy and sillyness and fun. Do you agree? Nevermind...

It's just that, ever since I started this fluffy little blog my life has gone crazy wild on a little learning spin. Things are happening to little me. To my little brain... Good things. But they don't really make for good little cute quirky posts. Am I growing? Does becoming an adult mean becoming boring and serious? I hope not. I mean, I don't necessarily want to be like Pixie King and Kinky Balloo but I also don't want to become Big Serious Preachy Mary.

I was going to write this little post about not wanting to go to work tomorrow. Because I have to deliver roses to this one client I don't really want to see. She's not evil or anything. I just don't like how I feel around her. I was going to say "how she makes me feel" but nobody makes you feel nothing. It's you. Only you. I felt yuc around Baked Bean. And so I ate him. But I can't eat this lady. She might not give me gas but I don't think she would taste good. And I'm sure it wouldn't fix the problem either.

The thing with Baked Bean was that he brought out something in me which I did not want to deal with. My anything-but-little anger. And so I faced it. I let it all out and I ate him and I farted and I grew. It's done. I guess she's next. I'm a little scared. I'm not sure what it is that I have to face here. Mr. Olive Tree would probably say "Observe". So I will. I will observe. And I will face it. And I will grow. But not too much. I will always be Little Silly Mary of the Rose.

Little Pebbles

2007-05-28T09:56:00-07:00

no one has the right to be mean to you. no one. sure, people get mad sometimes and they scream. and they say things without thinking. things that hurt us. sometimes a little. sometimes a lot. we are all little humans. sometimes we crack a little. with stress. with worries. with fear.

so we forgive. because we love them. because we want them in our lives. because we understand they just exploded a little. that's okay. but if someone explodes a little too often... you should still love them. and you should still forgive them when they say "i'm sorry". but little apologies are like little jewels. their value increases the fewer of them there are. and when there are too many of them. they become like little pebbles. the little streets of my little town are full of them.

it's okay to walk away from people who give us little pebbles. it's okay to want what's best for you and go and get it. it's okay to know that you deserve better. it's okay to know that you can have better. it's okay to love yourself a whole lot. you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

This Little Site is Ready!

2007-05-18T22:13:02-07:00

roses are red
they sure aren't blue

baked beans give you gas
but they make you strong, too

Just a Little

2007-04-07T22:34:00-07:00

Sometimes I just want to crawl down my little hole and hide. Sometimes I wish I were a bear. I'd like to hibernate. Sometimes I ask myself what right do I have to tell people what I think? As if it were some sort of wisdom. Just who do I think I am? And then I realize it is past my bedtime. Or I skipped lunch. Or I haven't had any water all day. So I go to bed, fill my tummy or slurp a little glass of water. And then I go right back to my old little blabbing self. And aren't you glad?

Today all three are true. So I am especially cranky. And so I must spare you of any cranky little wisdom I might see fit to partake. Who knows what that would look like. Better not even wonder. So, goodnight my little pretties. My grandmother was indeed a vampire and she would always say: Before you devour any of God's little creatures in anger take a nap, eat a cookie and drink a glass of warm milk. Now you know whom I take after.

My Little Friend Phyllis

2007-04-06T22:42:00-07:00

I have a little friend. Her name is Phyllis. She is not at all little, actually. She is giant in every way. Her feelings, her thoughts, her heart, and sometimes, though not so much anymore, her anger. Phyllis can be a little dark. She likes vampires. She doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't like talking, for that matter. Not to people, anyway. Animals she loves. She is sort of like a recluse, I guess. But then, so am I. In a different way.

Phyllis hides from people. Not so much anymore. She's gotten a little better. People hurt her when she was little. Tiny. People she loved very much. People she thought were supposed to love her unconditionally. Her mom left her when she was 10. Her dad lied and her sister betrayed her. So she ran away from home. And she never ever went back. Or talked to any of them again. And then it seemed like every one else she met along the way always managed to disappoint her. She had so much anger inside her my little roses wilted when she walked by.

Phyllis wouldn't eat for days. She didn't sleep. She didn't care how she looked. She was always broke because she always quit her jobs. One day I asked her why she was doing this to herself. She said she was doing it to them. She was punishing all the people that had caused her pain. She wanted them to see what they had done to her. And I asked her: "Even if, in the end, it is hurting you? Don't you want to be happy?" And she took a long pause. Then she said: "Of course I want to be happy. But I guess I'd rather make them hurt..." I don't think she'd ever realized that. Until she said it out loud.

We have to do what's best for ourselves. Always. But we need to be honest with ourselves first. We all have our little idiosyncrasies. I live in a hole on the ground, in the middle of some woods, in the middle of nowhere. I have a fish. I grow roses. I have a car made of crumpled paper. And I talk to all of them. People think I'm weird.

If you have to be alone, be alone. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to love anyone but yourself. No matter what "they" say. And it's not that you have to love yourself before others will love you. I don't think that's true. Others will always love you. It just won't matter. If you don't. You'll either not notice it or you'll hate them for doing it. Remember the mirrors. If you want to see a hat in your reflection you gotta put one on.

Our little lives are so complicated... Because we are such complicated little creatures. We are fascinating, don't you think? And we are surely too precious to break ourselves over people who hurt us. Forget them. Until you can forgive them. Be a little selfish. Do it for you and nobody else.

This little post is dedicated to Mimi. The very first person to write me a comment! Lots of love and beans to you, Mimi.