Little Miss Fitness

The infamous Sweetie Drawer

2014-05-15T12:22:00.001+01:00

Who has a chocolate drawer? A crisps cupboard, a sweetie box? Come on, admit it. I know it's more common than I want to believe. I've came across a few of these said treat chests. I've also uttered profanities under my breath.

Today I am going to give you my views on them I am giving you prior warning here, if you have one of these little stashes, I am blunt, I can be rude, but more is the point. I tell it like it is.

I have the experience to know that most people dislike something about themselves, this is not something to be celebrated, it's actually a shame because it's a personal dislike, encouraged by the media and doesn't represent anything real or achievable. Nobody is perfect in my opinion. So unless your body fat content is within an unhealthy range, bringing with it a whole host of medical conditions, such as heart disease, type two diabetes and erm, muffin tops, then you really have nothing to worry about.

So why do people have these stashes, surely it is the ultimate saboteur. Sitting there waiting for your weakest moments. Late afternoon sugar slump or post evening meal craving. How much more difficult is it to resist that fatty, sugary piece of chocolate. When a pile of it is sitting in your fridge. What chance do you have.

I get that having sweets and snacks in your house is useful, especially when you have guests. But I have to ask you one simple thing. Why not have a healthy snack cupboard, oatcakes, peanut butter, nuts, seeds. No? Not up your street? Oh I'm guessing neither is that dress in your cupboard that you are keeping for when you lose a few pounds.

The other downfall that comes with the sweetie cupboard is when you do decide to make a change. Such as when you decide that the diet starts on Monday. What happens to all that junk food. Oh I get it, it doesn't get binned. It gets scoffed. Usually in one sitting on the Sunday night, when you have your big juicy greasy takeaway and finish it off with a bag of malteasers, a crunchie, snickers, bag of kettle chips and some starburst. It's a shame the diet only lasts until Monday afternoon, then you fill your cupboard again and vow to start the diet on Monday. Again.

It evades me. It really does. Do people accept that they are obese and then just go on accepting everything that comes with it? This sweetie cupboard for me signifies the end of the line, you've given up on yourself, on your partner, your children. After all, it's them who will suffer when they have to give you a sponge bath between your huge folds of fat. Rubbing sudocreme on your bedsores, or worrying incessantly when you get out of breath after walking up two flights of steps.

A sweetie cupboard is the devil. Have some self respect. If you feel like chocolate or crisps, I mean really really feel like them. Then make the visit to a shop specifically for them. By the time you have to do that you may just decide that the travel isn't worth it. Your health and your waistline will thank you for it.

Oh and the ironic thing is...... The drawer you use in your fridge for your snacks, is most probably for fruit and veg.

Just plain ole nasty

2011-11-28T17:03:00.001+00:00

Iraz the Turkish waiter

When did the world become so rude? It now seems positively acceptable for people to be rude. The girl on the returns desk at a high street store, like as if I wanted the silk to tear like that, causing embarrassment in a sensitive moment. It's the norm, I've came to expect just as I would the cheek of the Turkish waiters as they flirt with your other half or how when at the end of a concert its one big push to leave. But it should be easy to be nice, however the gym is no exception to the rude rigmarole. The tirade of rudeness extends even there. As it turns out my gym card doesn't work properly so I can't swipe in to gain access to the utopia that is my local gymnasium. Meaning I have to trouble myself each time I go with the irksome task of going to the front desk and asking to go to the gym.

As sure as oeufs is oeufs the receptionist glowers at me as I stride gayley en route to the desk as if I have a cheek to disturb her conversation with the handyman. It's near enough always the same receptionist yet she does the same tedious sequence each time. Takes the card, swipes it, talks some more to handyman bob, looks back at the screen and "tut". She TUTS, at me, with my large smile and friendly air she feels the need to darken my day with a TUT! Every time......because you see, I have a hall booking on my membership which flags upon her screen, she explains. This is why I can't swipe in. I know this, this happens every freaking time I go and has been happening for the last two months yet here she is explaining it in her monotonous agitated voice, Again. Eventually after some explaining she says "I'll let you in but I'll have to speak to someone regarding this". She never does, I know this and so does she. Meaning each time I want to train I have to go through this annoying sequence of events again and again.

Once in the changing room it's no different though. I usually go for the same locker because I can't be bothered wearing a stupid plastic strap around my wrist, you see guys trying to rock this look and inevitably failing. So I choose the locker with just the key which is so much cooler. Unfortunately for me and of course the girl who chose the locker below mine, my locker is somewhat high. I like it, It saves me from leaving things which is a habit of mine. However for low locker girl, it's a tad bothersome that I am at my locker getting things in and out when she wants to be in her locker getting things in and out. Apart from the obvious drawbacks, my crotchal region would be in her face if she bent down, A fan as I am to going butt naked in the changing room. This could prove dangerous say someone walks in and thinks we are performing a sex act, we could be locked up, the key thrown away. Our names in the papers, publicly humiliated. I don't suppose she could just wait maybe? But no she doesn't she attempts an elasta girl move with her right arm, crouching face away from me against the lockers. Why can't she just say excuse me???? Really is it so hard? So here I am minding my own business, head in my locker as I feel something touch my left leg. "Oh" I say, "would you like me to let you in?", "Aye, could you" she says. I was slightly taken aback by her tone, I'd hoped for a genteel, "yes please" (Yes ok maybe her education is somewhat lacking) so I say, "Only be a second" and have a rummage in my bag, stopping every few seconds to sigh and say, "hmmm, where is it". I do this until I know she is seconds away from chibbing me, I get quite scared, I move back. But inside I am absolutely reeling, I can't get over how rude people can be and not realise it. I see no need, I see no benefits from it, I wish I was mental enough to rugby tackle her and explain in a polite manner that she should learn some manners. Smile for goodness gracious, say hello, be polite, especially if you're paid to be. Why pay forward your own bad mood, it's particularly selfish. But it's the fashion babayyy, it's the trend these days. Being obnoxiously rude is de rigueur and we wouldn't not want to follow a trend now......

Mobile nuisance

2011-11-22T11:06:00.001+00:00

A new evil has came to my attention at the gym recently, something that really gets up my nose. Mobile phones........ Now, I don't mind so much if you use them to listen to music because let's be honest, I couldn't do 5 minutes on the treadmill without some Cliff Richard, Elton John and co. I do however use an MP3 player because I'm old school.
No what annoys me is people who take calls, or text or facebook whilst "doing a workout". Only the other day I was running on my favourite treadmill scoping out the talent, I mean.... Looking for material for this blog when, JACKPOT two girls come into the gym, early 20's make up on, wouldn't know a dumbbell from a cheeseburger. They slowly doddle to the water fountain and have a ickle chat, then they take on the mahooosive task that is the x-trainer. I watch, as yet no such juice. But I am not to be disappointed because the slightly lazier looking of the two takes a phone call, I run, patiently watching, as I expect her to have a quick word "No, I'm in the gym, call you back" but noooooooo the wee phone using pleb gets off the x-trainer and stands next to it. She continues her phone call for the next 46 minutes, firstly standing next to the x-trainer and then following her pal around the gym as she used the machines. WHY? Why, Why couldn't she just step outside the gym? Also if I was her pal I'd have been raging and embarrassed by her ridiculous antics.

Then there's the guy I see in the gym a lot, he nods to me sometimes, recognising we have a shared interest, we work out, we train often and we train hard, not like the come and goers. It's like when you ride a motorcycle and nod to other motorcycles (whilst also checking out if yours is better) I had some respect for this guy, he never struck me as anything other than a regular normal gym goer, but is there any such thing? I was walking around the gym to my next set when boooof, I am body checked by a vest wearing sweaty man, sweat going everywhere onto my nice pink gym gear. I'm genuinely taken by surprise when I look up and it's regular gym goer man, but..... with and extension to his arm in the form of a mobile phone. He had been too busy texting as he stepped back from a machine into my path. He completed his text message and hit send. Before I got a small apology. Me the idiot apologised too, then harshly scolded myself for it, why do we do that? I must bee too nice. So all respect out the window for you texter dude.

Worst of all my mobile phone/gym hates is the Facebooker, I am in all honesty a facebook fanatic but seeing as my phone shall remain in the gym locker I do not post whilst actually in the gym. Sitting on the bike the other day I happened to glance (no I wasn't being nosey) at the boy beside me on his phone, I could see what he was writing, "Tearing up the gym, here comes the pain train baby toot toot", I am not making this sh*t up. The boy was about 9.5 stone, I could bench press him. He was on the recumbent cycle at level 3!!! I laughed, out loud, then pretended to point at something on the tv screen. It really cheered me up that this little reject of a boy would actually look like a beast after writing that as his status. Like he actually did some work as opposed to writing about it. I was expecting him to jump off that bike and hulk stylee rip the gym to peices, hurling equipment everywhere. Unfortunatley he just got off the bike after 5 mins and left. Geez a break man!

Freaking Freezing

2011-11-03T22:01:00.000+00:00

This is wrong!

Brrrrrrrr, it's cold out there. It's like the weather has changed overnight. Yesterday it wasn't even jumper season, Today....... it's jumper season. I'll say for one thing, it isn't half hard to drag your carcass out from a warm cozy 13.5 tog duvet for a workout session. This is the time when you need it most. Our body craves the carbohydrates at this time of year and it loves the fact that "not a bare leg in sight" is the order of the day, thick socks, tights and boots. No need to slap on the fake tan or shave your legs It stocks up for the winter so to speak, slowly and sneakily adding a few millimeters to our body fat, just to tide us over to the spring, a modern form of hibernation if you like.
RUBBISH! You do not have to succumb to the Nazi regime, get out that winter slump and get a grip. Who's in charge here? Are you gonna give in? Yeah fair enough your skin may not see the light of day until at least April, the sexiest piece of clothing your poor other half may see you in is a snuggie (monstrosity of an invention). But come on! You have Christmas nights out to go do, dresses to wear. You also will have a harder job to work off the layers of adipose in the spring.
On a more dreaded note; There is a monster in us ladies, at least 85% of us, and the circumstances that this Monster thrives on is layer upon layer of clothing hiding it's existence, cosy nights in front of the TV with a glass of wine, Caffeine, fatty foods, Christmas puds, not enough water..... It's called Cellulite, Orange peel, Cottage cheese, mattress phenomenon.... even pot hole ass? So right there is your biggest most defining reason to get a grip this winter and don't be a sap. Honestly when I go onto a certain social networking sit and see " Aw it's cold", "Aw the weather is crap", "Aw it's Monday", "Gonna have a duvet day" I am sickened by the wimpishness of people. Toughen up for peat's sake. Grow a freaking pair.
It's hilarious the excuses people make up to get out of training at this time of year. I had one person texting me to cancel a training session because their heating had packed in and the house would be cold. Seriously not gonna happen. "I'm pretty sure you will be glad you have no heating when we start training" was my reply, and do you know what? She was.
Not one to go on about something though, but what is it about people complaining of the cold, dark dreary mornings? I'm sick to the back teeth of how easily defeated people are. It's the exact same thing as people complaining that the air conditioning in the gym has packed in and it's too warm and they're too sweaty. Fair one we pay a membership for the maintenance of the gym but remember.........It's a gym, you are there to sweat, to smell, to be warm and to burn calories. That's the whole point. It just saves wearing a bin bag under your gym gear to get inch loss on your stomach (only ex football players or referees ever do this, it's hilariously pointless as you rustle about the gym).
I realise I am beginning to go off on one. So until next time.............

Once a soldier.......

2011-09-06T17:06:00.000+01:00

Ex military types in the gym. These are the guys that can’t come away from the utilitarian regimes, the tough training, military lifestyle and dealing with insurgents. God forbid I get something wrong here I get personally assassinated for my cheek.

Easy to spot, they always have a marker of some sort, from a simple T-shirt with their regiment on it or a tattoo. Usually well kept hair and clothing (it’s in the training). These guys have love on their side. Being in the Army, Navy, RAF, Marines etc has changed them or moulded them, it‘s who they are….to the bone. Civvy street doesn’t cut it, it doesn’t have the same excitement, the orderly discipline, the respect that they are used to. A friend said to me recently “I miss it every single day, I would do anything to be back there, if it wasn’t for my family” oh yeah, he also mentioned that “I hate Civvys” to which I just laughed because I can understand, I am one. Some Civvys just appear as tree hugging, non discriminating, equal opportunities, love thy neighbour, don’t slate or slag, can’t take a joke annoying Ned Flanders types so really, I can’t see what is so annoying……. ;-). There is no way on earth I could comprehend what our soldiers have done, saw, experienced but I can observe them in my natural habitat, the all revealing gym. Those little tells that just keep on telling long after they have decided to leave.

I know a few soldiers, I will call them soldiers because really…..Once a soldier always a soldier, still with that wee stomp when they stand up, the salute, the terminology, sense of humour, the spray starched clothing and the immaculately shined shoes, its all still there. They have a way of looking at you that you just know they disapprove of your naive civilian lifestyle.

Our ex military guys have to train, I mean really train. Like an ingrained microchip that is programmed for routine, for schedule, for something accountable and systematic. It keeps them going for instance when they get a job on civvy street and get told what to do by a spotty teenager. The treadmill just doesn’t cut it. Add a day pack with 20kg in it and we have a happy guy, well at least a grumpy happy guy. 5km Outdoor run? Ha haaa they laugh even at the suggestion, 30mile yomps with another 20kg on their back and possibly even in boots seems to do the trick. Press ups? Give us a break. Add 20kg and do them on one leg with the knee of the other foot coming up to their chin, even that isn’t as much of a thrashing as they are used to. See a pattern. Even if they haven’t exercised for a good while there is no such thing as starting easy. It’s not what they are made of. I love it.

Sure though this training is pointless unless there is reason to do it. Will they rejoin? Is there some challenge coming up that requires them to train in this unbelievably insane manner? I don’t know, but if they are doing 30mile yomps just because….. then they seriously need to find a hobby. It’s no good doing your back in running 30miles with a weighted back pack because your bored. For a start you’ll be crippled by the time your 38 and have a scabby back and you will need to continuously up the intensity as that boredom returns. I care….. I really do. Don’t waste good health doing frivolous exercise sessions. Be productive. Run for charity, take up an extreme sport. Take my brother in-law for instance. Currently serving in Afghanistan this guy does not know the meaning of fear. Keen snowboarder when he is home he will literally try anything. I’ve seen him throw himself at crazy ass 8ft high snow park features (after only a month and a half of starting snowboarding) and come flying into the air only to land on his ass on solid metal, get up, brush himself off, and say “Did you see how cool that was”. He eats, sleeps and breathes his title of Royal Marine Commando and do you know what….We love him all the more for it. May he return safe. So there you go, throwing yourself off mountains aught to do it, give you that buzz that you so crave. It sure works for Graeme.

I have nothing but respect for the guys that offered up their lives, their families, everything, for us to be able to lead our normal day to day existence just as we have done for years and will do for years to come. But hey…. What do I know. I’m just a Civvy.

McManus and French

2011-09-05T17:40:00.000+01:00

Recently whilst in the gym a very severe issue has came to my attention. Actually it has been annoying me for years but I'm just now going to get it out there. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the gym somewhere people go to do physical activity? Well why do these so called exercisers insist on parking so close to the gym entrance they have to climb out the passenger door. Honestly though, it happens everywhere. I used to work in a really top notch private health club chain. Out front of the club there was a circular drive for hotel drop offs, with a lovely little fountain. You would see Jags, Porches, top of the range Mercedes parked half on the kerb squashed at the front of the club. There was a whole car park quite literally 10 yards away but of course that's not good enough. Perhaps the gym should employ staff to come over to these cars with wheelchairs and push people into the club too. In the gym the other day I was on the treadmill minding my own business as usual when I saw a big family saloon car drive up and into a disabled space. Obviously as I always think the best in people :-/ never in a million years did I expect a fully ambulant legging clad elephant leg to step out from the car. I peered and peered but yet no motability badge appeared on that window. She hung about a bit, had a cigarette, you know just to open up the lungs for a workout and then her friend turned up.

Down the car park drives a people carrier as it screeches diagonally into the disabled space next to our legging clad smoker. Out jumps her equally sizable and legging clad buddy, bear hug ensues (really I can only describe it as a bear hug). But she has done one better. She is wearing the most illuminous lime green trainers. The type of trainers only a really good runner should wear. I was thinking to myself that I better get off the treadmill before they get in just in case they show me up for the phony runner that I am.

What annoys me about this picture is not that they have parked in the disabled spaces (well yeah it is this act is unacceptable) but that they have parked in the two closest disabled spaces to the entrance which means anyone who genuinely needs that space cannot use it. They didn't have badges before you say it. The Sherlock Holmes in me checked this. So unless sever inability to dress appropriately for your size can get you disability now then they bottom out right there and then.

Now here comes the ironic park. McManus and French came into the gym and went straight onto the treadmill. So the duo couldn't walk the length of the car park but come to the gym to walk on a mechanical moving pavement. It just tickled me slightly. Here is the best bit. To my disappointment French was not, I repeat not an common wealth runner in her citrus colours shoes. In fact she was so bad at walking on a treadmill that every time she wanted to talk to her big pal Michelle she actually paused the treadmill. And on that bombshell..............

Kick Ass Chicks

2011-09-03T16:41:00.001+01:00

Hollywood in my opinion has got it right. I'm a big movie buff. I love a good film. My favourite movies say a lot about who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. I like Action films where there is explosions and fighting with swords and guns. I like strong characters and I'm not talking complex, I'm talking BUFF. Women to inspire and invoke. You know the kind I'm talking about. The tough chicks, The Angelina Jolie in Tombraider, an ambidextrous gun wielding female Indiana Jones. Mila Jovovich, Running down the sides of buildings or jumping motorcycles through plate-glass windows, all run-of-the-mill occurrences for miss Jovovich, even if we can't pronounce her name. Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby, Michele Rodriguez in all her bad ass films.
These girls have bodies to die for. Hard and wirey. Muscles, what's not to love. Noooooo....... Not the overbearingly obvious "I've just ate a tub of Anabol" type muscles teamed with a strong jaw and adams apple. The feminine honed "I work out 5 times a week and care what goes into my body" type of look. It's not just the look that I like it's the hard super cool character. It's Uma Thurman on a rampaging killing spree with a Hattori Hanzo samurai sword?. Or is there anything more impressive than Devon Aoki in Sin City, a double-sworded teenage hooker who takes no guff from men, and if you cross her or her coworkers, well....... you're pretty much finished. The girls in Charlies Angels who can really throw a punch yet still be extremely sexy at the same time. Ok, ok , ok maybe this look isn't wholly achievable but to an extent it can be., maybe just a little bit. There is no need for a female to lose her femininity just because she is tough. She can still giggle, squeal and skip, she can wear pink fluffy slippers and silk pjs. Doors can be opened for her, seats pulled out. Just because she can push a weight doesn't mean she has to help you lift a washing machine up 2 flights of stairs, serious. As I've said before I'm no feminist. Chivalry should be encouraged.

One of the best physiques I have ever seen has got to be Jessica Biel in Blade. She looks strong and toned yet still womanly, she has that nipped in waist , flat stomach and round high bum. Most people will disagree with me here and say she is wayyyyyy to muscley but I beg to differ. Every female has those muscles under the adipose on their arms, Jessica's arm circumference here is probably only about 8.5 inches when relaxed which is a lot less than most females and even mine at 10.5. This looks awesome with a tan and in a dress. Actually it pretty much looks awesome full stop.

The following quote I found in a forum from a "Know it All" explains how little people know about weight training. She was on a rant about another woman she saw in the gym. Here is what she said: "I made a promise to myself - do not work on my arms much. and my advice to all those girls who are ready for anything when it comes to getting a toned body is the same". Tell you what, I'd like to have a personal word with this idiot of a woman, give her a good feminine slap of reality. Not in any way possible can you get arms like Jessica Biel's or Madonnas for that matter if you have more that 16% body fat. Weight training is Not gonna do this. Diet may. As I have said before their arms are not big, there is merely a lack of fat. Let me leave you with one question and don't be afraid to give your opinion, in fact I invite it. Would you rather have bingo wings?

Genes! Pah!

2011-09-02T15:36:00.001+01:00

It’s not in your genes. I promise you, this fitness malarkey is not something you are born with, you didn’t come out the womb with the sweat bands, flexing shouting “I‘ll show you the way to the beach maw“ , it’s an interest, a hobby, a task, job, struggle but it’s not natural. I don’t care who you are or if you train 3 times a day or run 100 miles a week. Fitness is something you picked up, acquired or were pushed into. Everyone always has a starting point.
I was getting a tad nostalgic today reading through some old report cards from school. As I sat reminiscing on the floor in my grandparents spare room I noticed something I had forgotten. I was god awful at P:E. Some of the reports are vague with a kindly “Always tries hard” or “an able pupil”. Going on to the early years in high school the teachers were less constructive however “maximum effort required” and “struggling to pass practical aspects of the class” was the general consensus. Reading through these is an embarrassing task. But my teachers also comment on my social development? Oh…… yeah they do “One of the quieter members of the class” and of more note “perhaps a little shy to express her opinion”. On the plus side though one of my teachers said my overall school work was SATISFACTORY don’t ya just hate that word? It’s not exactly inspiring, I’d never say that to a client, But I digress….
All this shows that indeed, we change, we develop. And for me people like me, getting beat in a race by the weird girl called Trisha with a head full of nits and a penchant for wooly jumpers at the school sports day, this is fantastic news. My family are NOT into fitness, or sports in any way but for me it was my gramps when he would put me on his shoulders as he was doing his press ups (I’d love to see him do that now) and because of that small act I formed an interest.

Some of you may have had to kick start your fitness due to a random person in public calling out “hide yer chips” as you walked past or you noticing as you walked you were making footprints in the concrete. For others it’s work fitness tests, charity events or seeing their favourite actor on the front of Men’s Health. Whatever it is once we start you can’t deny the good feeling it gives you. A natural high (no I’m not talking about the rush you get when you eat a full box of krispie kremes) a high like no other, then you curse it the next day when you are so stiff you struggle to get you butt on the toilet seat. But whatever got you into it, trust me when I say stick it out, don’t phone it in. Oh and don’t let the weird girl with nits beat you in a race!

Bitchin blogger is back

2011-09-01T16:16:00.001+01:00

Excuse me???

Wonderful news! The world of blogger has finally re opened it's arms and allowed me back on my pedestal from where I bitch and brag and slag. For some strange reason I was banished and my beloved blog had vanished but today it has been re born. Fantastic! So wait until tomorrow folkes and we can get right on down to some bitchin blogs! Love ya

Tracy Who? (Am I just jealous of her success?)

2010-07-15T13:45:00.005+01:00

So maybe you’ve heard of Personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Apparently she is responsible for Madonna’s arms and for Gwyneth’s skinny bod She’s just opened up a studio with Gwyneth, for all of £600 per month you too can learn the secrets to ultra-thin wiryness. Oh, you don’t have £600 to spare? Cheap ass! Lol! Well, don’t worry because I have the skinny (get it?) on Ms Anderson’s method. I have watched her workout videos, signed up to the free* videos on her website so maybe you should grab a notepad or something. You ready? Starve yourself and work out twelve hours every week. (Please don't take this serious) Oh, there’s some more details too, of course. Make sure you turn the heat way up when you do her workout. Don’t worry about why, it’s "science". Also, never lift anything heavier than 1.5kg! Because everyone knows the worst way to build muscles is to lift heavy things. You’ll need some help carrying your messages, picking up your kids, using dictionaries, making spaghetti, doing laundry, washing the dog…. but that’s fine. You don’t want to bulk up, do you? Speaking of no bulk. I didn’t know spices made you fat? WOW! Science revolution going on here. I don’t think there’s a day where your intake would go over 1000 calories. But don’t worry because Dr. Tracy did a double-blind five year study of this method on her own, she assures us and I’m sure she would have no reason to just completely make some shit up. Yeah right. You better hope you can manage to eat all that food though because Tracy’s six two-hour workouts each week will be using every bit of energy you’ve taken in(literally.) Her signature method: a blend of dance, pilates and secret moves given to her by some Nigerian prince she met through the internet is the only way to get results. No other type of workout, if done for 12 hours a week, could result in weight loss. Not really. Now, some people might tell you that you can just lift heavy things, make small changes to your diet and not pay thousands of poundsto get results. *You’ll also have to pay an initiation fee, of course. I mean, you can’t expect to join a gym for less than £1000 a year, can you? For your information Because this entry keeps getting a lot of hits from people searching for things like “how to eat like tracy anderson” or “gwyneth paltrow’s diet” and lots of outgoing traffic to the article on Tracy Anderson’s diet plan, I felt like I needed to say something. This woman, Tracy Anderson, does not have any kind of special magic knowledge. I don’t care that she’s skinny or that Gwyneth and Madonna are also skinny. I don’t care that she was on Oprah or that she has a jaw the size of Scotlands east coast. I don’t care that there are people out there desperate, rich and/or stupid enough to pay £600 month to train at her gym. There is absolutely nothing new or revolutionary about what she is doing. If you eat much less food than you need (aka: starve yourself) and workout 12 hours per week, then you will lose weight. You could eat all of you daily calories from cakes and exercise only by doing a gentle walk for two hours, you would still lose weight. What has Tracy Anderson actually done? She has kept two women who have always been thin, thin. She spends hours each week working out with them personally. They both have people that can prepare fresh, possibly tasty food for them. Wow, give me two women who have never even been overweight, give me hours to train with them and give them each a chef and I too will keep them thin. If you want to fit into kids jeans then I can do it for you too! I don’t know why we are interested in this woman. Maybe, like me, you are fascinated and frustrated by how it always seems to be that the people in the fitness industry who know the least get the most attention. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that beauty only happens between sizes 6 or 8. Maybe you’re not healthy or happy and you’re desperate to feel better. If you’re in the last two categories, do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time or especially your money on people like Ms Anderson, spend it on trainers like me ;-). Really, starving yourself and spending 2 hours a day, six days every week on exercise is not a revolution, it’s a disorder. There is good information out there on how to improve health regardless of weight. So go ahead and eat plenty of nourishing and delicious food, feel free to pick up things that are heavier than 1.5kg and don’t give people like Tracy Anderson any more undeserved attention or money. Rant Complete!

Crop Tops and Cattyness

2010-05-11T08:00:00.000+01:00

Crop Tops! There here with a vengeance, apparently this summer anyone who is anyone will be wearing a crop top. But really, theres not gonna be many any anyones out there, is there? Even though my stomach is flat I certainly won't be wearing one (well we shall see). I mean, come on. . . even your skinniest of skinniest girls now have muffin tops. I cringe when I see females showing off the stomach area in a bid to show more flesh, I can't fathom how some girls thing they can do this and it would be attractive, maybe i'm all about high standards but i'm not that bad. so heres is some advice. If your want to show your stomach this is what to do. Slightly lower your carbohydrate intake, ditch the chocolate, the crisps, forget easter, your take-aways. Infact the only carbs you should have is All Bran in the morning with soya milk. Have a probiotic everyday, get a body brush and scrub that tum, buy a toning cream. Get a decent fake tan, do a 4 mile run a day with 500 real sit ups and POW! Stomach of your dreams. It's easy isn't it? NOT! So if you do decide to be a fashion victim then please get with the programme and be honest with yourself ask a pal for honest advice as just doing sit ups wont do diddly if your abs are hidden under 3 inches of adipose. Not only that, one of the clubs in Glasgow now has jacuzzis in it. With a shop where you can buy a bikini, so really us girls are not getting to hide much these days are we. What happened to "Leave it to the imagination" I admit it, i'm no prude but I certainly believe in the rules. . . . You know the ones i'm talking about. . . . . . . You don't? . . . . Oh well I better explain. A girl should choose one or the other to show off, her cleavage . . . . or her legs. So the rule goes, if your out wearing a belt for a skirt please wear a respectable top, Or vice versa. So Bla

Off the wagon

2010-05-07T22:08:00.000+01:00

Everyone falls off the wagon at some point, and yes, I mean everyone, even me. So I have a blow out every blue moon (sue me)Let me tell you what to do if you find yourself in that situation, I will also explain what not to do. Once upon a time I fell off the wagon with a vengeance. I was actually that bad I woke up to answer the door in the morning to the UPS guy.(delivering health supplements ha ha ha)"Little Miss Fitness?", I force out a grunt and as I stand there I notice my pyjamas back to front. It also occurred to me that I had in fact kept up to date with my food diary by scribbling in a 3yr olds handwriting "Vodka x3, Tia Maria x3, Baileys x3, Wine, Champagne" on the drinks, dinner and snacks columns. There was also some illegible print which I later translated to Chicken, Melon and Cheesecake. So Ladies and Gentlemen, I will give you all this one bit of advice, even though you get in at 5am, totally and utterly trollied, you should still take the time to write in your food diary so you can reflect on your intake over a week. It really does help with the guilt and the shamefulness when you look at that writing and think, those words we have all said to ourselves a thousand times "I am never drinking again". I mean what will my clients think? . . . . . . Especially when I don't even like Tia Maria, Baileys or Melon. But hey! We learn something new every day. The biggest mistake though is when you book a Personal Training client for 8am at Strathclyde park, realising there is not a hope in hell you can drive there, so you run, and when you arrive (if you ever do) the alcohol in your blood stream has heated up to 37 degrees and soaked through your clothes, so now you smell distinctly of a brewery as you saunter green faced up to your client that you have told off a hundred times about the effects of binge drinking on the liver.......Good example Nats, Well done.

Repetitive Repititions

2010-05-07T09:00:00.000+01:00

When I am training someone I have to count the reps they do, this can be quite hard sometimes 1,2,3,4, good work, 3,4,5 keep going 12,13,14 I get all mixed up, or else I float away into a fantasy land, conjuring up an imaginary story where I can have my own big cupboard in the house for all my equipment, instead of everywhere, honestly, you walk into our home and there is equipment all around you. Things I hardly use but I wont put them in the hut in case I need to use them immediately, like right this second. I love buying new equipment and have loads of nifty bits and bobs that I could use when I train people. My clients on a weekly basis usually hear the words "Andrew iss going to kill me" because I've went and bought another weird piece of equipment that I have no room for and we have to climb over just to get in the door!

I digress.... It's funny though, just smile and say 5 more reps to someone and they automatically believe you (even if they've already did 50) Sometimes I get the answer "Really, phew" and a simple YEP does the trick, it's brills! Cue evil laugh Mwwahhh ha ha ha I have the power! However, I do have a few clients who are really observant, that can be a tricky one. That's me at 20?!? What yeah two more then! How observant are you? Let me know.

Too tired to live

2010-05-06T07:00:00.000+01:00

So are you tired? Don't you just love it when folk say that they're tired? I hate it. I hate when you ask people how they are and they tell you they are OK but tired, exhausted , too busy to sleep. I mean fair enough if you have a medical condition but seriously. . . . Take some time for yourself. Surely by now you know how to "work" your body? Surely you don't need instructions? Step one. Put food in this hole, Step two. Inhale, Step three. Go to sleep. Step four food comes out this. . . . You have to feed it, wash it, put it to sleep. Hunger thirst and of course tiredness is your bodies alarms telling you what to do. So if your tired. . . . Get some sleep, don't work so hard, feed your body correctly (not a takeaway). I know it's easier said than done. My Nana is constantly telling me to "slow down" to "relax" but I do. . . . When I sleep. Otherwise my exercise is my "me" time (I have been seen walking Mia and Juno with my Ipod in, singing at the top of my voice, oblivious to my mum tooting her horn at me or Linda peeing herself laughing whilst I jig along the street) and because I feed my body correctly and train it to be able to cope then I can and I will keep going. Guys. It's not OK to be tired all the time, no matter how hard your work is. Everyone has the odd tired spell. But all the time is a no no! If you work all the time, exercise, look after a baby a dog and your partner then why worry in the middle of the night that the windows are dirty, the grass needs cut or what your are making for the dinner. Sleep is paramount. Shut off all that electrical crap in your room, it's zapping your life and interrupting your sleep, don't read in bed or watch TV in bed, make sure your bedroom is completely void of light when the blinds are shut, The bedroom should only be used for 2 things Sleeping and er . . . . . . . . Resting. What did you think I was going to say? Tut Tut. So what if you turn down a night out, what exactly are you missing anyways? Feeling like a burst couch the next day, with a headache that could kill a donkey. The anxiety that fills you when you can't remember what you did (is that just me). It might sound boring but trust me. . . It wont be by morning.

Skipping Sensations

2010-05-03T09:00:00.001+01:00

As you know I can go off on a bit of a rant from time to time, well today's post is a bit different, nothing has annoyed me, I'm not on my high horse (or pony as some of you funny buggers out there like to put it) I was in the gym this morning, running away on the treadmill with my Ipod plugged into it. I had the biggest smile on my face and was letting out a giggle every now and then. I have a reputation amongst the gym staff that I laugh at people, well it is totally unjustified because as it turns out, when they thought I was laughing at people I was actually laughing at you've been framed (honest). But today I was laughing at someone (yes I'm ashamed)I know it isn't fair but really I couldn't help it. Someone was on "my treadmill" (talk about this another time)so I had to take another one, one that doesn't quite have the same view I'm accustomed to. This particular treadmill has a view of the exercise studio and in that studio was a man in a grey t-shirt (great sweating colour)he had in his hands a skipping rope, but no, he wasn't skipping. Instead he was waving the ropes in a figure of eight in front of him, stern look on his face. I think he was psyching himself up because after a minute of doing ridiculously stupid patterns with the ropes he went for it, the skip, that first one, always the hardest, most challenging of all skips. Especially to this guy. He failed. . . fell forward a wee bit then started the flailing with the rope again. Another minute passed and as I watched again, there he goes, 1. . . 2 . . . 3. . . Ah Boll*cks. A small spurt of laughter erupts from my mouth. It's a free country OK! AGAIN with the stupid rope dance thing. This time after his minute of nothing he gets at least 5 skips and looks like a 5 year old girl with pigtails in a playground before stumbling aimlessly over the rope. 15 minutes he tried, and tried again, each time he failed he started his rope waving p*sh. When he did get anywhere near a skip the most he got was 8 jumps, ah mean come on! If he had spent 14 of those minutes actually trying to skip and not whipping a rope about the floor, maybe. . .Just maybe he could do 10 skips. Meanwhile I'm trying to catch my training partners eye as he is doing his weights, I have this freakishly happy grin on my face and keep making eyes at the studio for him to look. He is too busy in "the zone". It just tickled me, that's all.

Round bowls covered in lycra

2010-04-30T22:33:00.003+01:00

I admit it, under my sensible personal trainer persona lurks a dirty secret. The deepest darkest secret ever, but your are privileged, I'm gonna tell you. Whenever I am in a supermarket and I see a magazine that says "How to get Gwyneth's arms" I grab it, I need to find out (it's the professional in me), I will read the story before even getting to the till, it's sad yes. But this information is stuff I have to find out! I know how to make arms look tight and toned yet somehow this way must be better. Some fantastic new concept that will change arms everywhere forever. It's amazing, these celebrities, their bodies, their time? How do they do it? Obviously your answer will be "Because they have a chef, a nutritionist, a trainer a dog trainer". But I have seen it, I've seen women who have it all yet still manage to not hold back the donuts when they are out of the watchful eye. So how do they do it? I do not know, they come from ratbag to ravishing in 5 minutes, easy peasy! Willpower of steel! This obsession is not cheap (but it certainly is cheerful), Fitness magazines are about £4 a pop and I buy Zest, I buy Health and Fitness, Women's Fitness, Ultra Fit, Fitness hers, I even buy the monthly Holland and Barrat magazine and when I can I go to borders and read their magazines, you're allowed to do that are you not? I do try to be sensible though. . . . sometimes I see "Get Britney's Abs" or "Get Colleens bum" and I think, yuk no thanks, come on magazine people your standards have dropped. Britney's stomach is nothing to be desired and neither is Coleen's bum for that matter. What I'm looking for is thighs honed like rockets, arms as taught as a squirrel's, abs so toned they could be used to model bat girls shield. I must find this exercise! That does all that and more, I must. I will not stop until my bum cheeks are like little rounded bowls covered in Lycra.

Magic Pills

2010-04-30T22:25:00.005+01:00

Magic weight loss pills?!? Anyone?. . . No? Nah you wouldn't admit it. Who doesn't want to be fit and fabulous with no effort or dieting? Wake up in the morning and the bingo wings are gone, you have loads of energy, you can see your. . . . . . feet(get your mind out the gutter). But really we all know there are no such things out there that do that "quick fix" we are all after. And yes I am after it too, I enjoy exercise but I would much prefer to have a "perfect pill" an easy way out. So they don't work without either hard work (exercise supplements) or bad side affects (diet pills) as well as being extortionate.So. . . . Here is the low down. Exercise supplements such as thermobol (maximuscle) or Sida Cordofolia basically either raise your core body temp (so you burn more calories), increase your heart rate (so you burn more calories) make you feel sick (so you wont eat as much) and take the water from your body(so you look slimmer). Diet pills are the ones you can get prescribed or buy online, these pills are the ones that make you tongue numb (so you don't taste foods) or your bum leak. Yes I said it and I'm not joking, the pills break down the enzymes in food and it leaks out your butt like oil so on your pants at the end of each day is a nice coating of what I like to call ass oil. But overall there is no magic pill, if all the supplements and shakes out there that claim to work really did. Then everyone and their granny would be a skinny size 8 and still be eating a nutritious diet of ice cream, cakes, biscuits, chips pizza etc etc. Don't kid yourself! So I am going to give you all a bit of advice for FREE (people love that word, don't get used to it though, I don't say it often) which is the most basic principle in controlling your weight. Follow this closely as it can get confusing. 1lb of body fat is exactly 3500kcals so if you want to loose a 1lb a week then you need to make 500 calories a day disappear. So you can reduce food intake by 250kcals and do 250kcals of exercise. It really is that simple. Here is an example: My 1.1 mile run this morning burned 170kcals and a bar of chocolate or bag of crisps is about 150kcals. You do the math. So I shall leave you on a serious note for the first time but I promise. . . . . . . never again

Magda Infliction

2010-04-24T10:38:00.008+01:00

I couldn't believe my eyes at the gym yesterday. Well I would have if they hadn't been nearly taken out by the braless bazookas bouncing buoyantly on the treadmill. This voluptuous beauty was oblivious to the spectacle she was making of herself, but I can assure you, most of the male populace of the gym was certainly aware, including myself (for research purposes only). This is one of my pet hates (yes I have a few) when it comes to the female of the species in the gym. Please please pretty please wear a bra, do I have to spell it out to you? W.E.A.R. A. B.R.A! Please. Please for the sake of mankind and your breasts two years down the line. I mean it when I say down, in the literal sense. The only thing that's getting a workout on this lady is her coopers tendon, the anti-sag tendon or coopers drooper as I like to call it. There is no repairing this tendon, no "I must, I must improve my bust". It can only ever be tightened with surgery, so unless you want a "Magda infliction" (see. There's something about Mary) just wear a blooming sports bra. Boys tell your other halves because I'm pretty certain you didn't watch something about Mary and scream "Look at those puppies" when Magda got her baps out. And they most definitley did not say "Iwish I had boobs like her".

Matrix Falling!

2010-04-24T10:15:00.005+01:00

As I was quite happily singing away to my ipod on the treadmill, I notice a stylish elderly chap with the trademark sandals and sock combo giving the cross trainer a quizical stare. He make his approach stealthily, he precariously places a savvy sandaled foot on the moving plate. . . . Like a rabbit caught in headlights his eyes go wide as he realises the plate is sliding forward. Only a foot away two gym instructors stare at the TV screens (there's football on). I'm watching with a grimace on my face, my stomach in knots (you know that way you feel when you can see something bad but also equally entertaining happening) 1-2-3 Down he goes. One of those slow motion falls (don't look at me like that, I was over the other side of the gym, i'm not superhuman) you know the theatrical matrix style tumble but not quite so graceful. The gym staff a foot away, "Tut", I mean it, they actually "Tut" and quite loudly. Like this poor man has did them an injustice just by falling over in their gym. He wouldn't have fell if they gave a rats a*se. Typical gym instructors. This wee man could have broken his hip and personally sued them for all they were worth, they wouldn't have worked again in this industry, which is a crying shame because this world more than anything needs, craves, wants. . . s*itty gym staff that don't have a clue and couldn't care less. Arghhhhhh!

An ass kicking!

2010-04-23T14:01:00.004+01:00

Routine, Routine, Routine the safety, the joy. The same ole boring thing day after day after day. Get up, get breakfast (if you eat breakfast, and you should you cheeky devils) go to work, come home, get dinner, watch TV, chill, sleep. You talk to the same people, you eat the same things, watch the same programmes, drive the same route. A cosy path. All the time thinking the same things. Why? Where is it taking you? Super stardom? A million pound yacht? A harem of voluptuous beauties, Early retirement so you can do as you please? I don't think so (sorry to burst your bubble). Then there are the folk who go to the gym, they train the same body parts, use the same machines, look in the same mirror and think "well I'm here, I'm doing it". Then they can look at themselves in a clingy outfit and sigh, and think. . . . . . Yeah! I workout, so I look good. Really Good! Ba ba baaaaaaaa, there is a sting in the tail of routine. Because doing the same old thing leads to dammed reversibility. Your body adapts to a point where it fools you into doing less than you think(trust me, I'm an expert on making people think I'm actually working). Have you ever wondered when you see that slightly weirdly mishapen aerobics instructor who does 45 classes a week and eats a salad leaf a day, why is she like not a super skinny super fit looking burd instead of having legs that giggle live your favourite jelly? If you think your still pushing yourself then be honest. . . Is this you? "Whenever your in a spin class, on a treadmill out running etc : there you are smiling, thinking god, I'm good, this is easy, I'm a blinking Olympic athlete, why didn't anyone ever tell me? I am 20x better than all they chumps, look at how they are sweating, out of breath nincompoops, HA" Meanwhile your thighs are plotting to each other "Ha ha, she doesn't even know we aren't working hard at all, don't tell her, let her find out the next time she tries to fit into those skinny jeans" Yeah and I'm not joking Bucko! So work hard, we need to. If we don't, we are wasting our time. Why do people not challenge themselves? Why? Because it's too hard, that's why. Let's all say it together in a whiny voice! "It's too hard". Now stop. . . I don't want to ever hear you say that again!

Ratbags!

2010-04-22T12:15:00.003+01:00

By the way. . . I've been banned from a certain gym I used to work in and frequent, I'm gonna have a wee rant about it, voice my opinions, hope this "manager" reads this and learn what an anus he is because I'm not allowed to voice it in the gym ha ha. I spoke back to a member of the "management team" (if you can call them that) that is so far up his own ar*e he thinks he is moses. He thinks he can speak to his staff like they are "Below" him. It's funny that, alot of people who manage people in gyms are the same. Not upper management, LOWER management. They think the are the mutts nuts and invincible, oh I can bench . . . so I must be a god, I work on the doors of nightclubs at the weekends so I must be a hard man. Sorry mate, god can at least grow hair on his head (I heard that premature baldness can be caused from steroid usage, oops). Also whilst applying for a gym membership at another "Big" private gym I was phoned by the General Manager so he could apologise that I wasn't allowed a membership because I am "COMPETITION" in the personal training business. I just wanted to point out to him, yes I am the competition but they're not mine (unlike them I don't need any more PT clients) There will be staff from this gym probably reading this and it's nothing against them, actually that's the things I miss. I miss the staff (most of them anyway) and I miss the members. I don't however miss their ridiculous effort at health and safety, the way the staff are expendable, or the pay. I can make more money making a phone call than slaving for an hour in there. Anyways that's my rant over, need to leave for my pt. But stay tuned, I hope to rant for a wee while yet.

2010-04-21T08:08:00.004+01:00

When I was a gym instructor I would see the same people come and go usually quite randomly, and every time I would see them I would approach them and say "and where have you been?" always the same answer "This is me getting back into it, it's all systems go, I have to do it this time, no excuses, seriously I'm talking the bull by the horns" Pluuueeeeeeeeaase! I have heard this honestly about a thousand times. They come back for about a day then disappear for a couple of weeks, months, years, then it's the exact same again. Only I have regretted saying these words "Where have you been, long time no see or hello stranger?" quite alot and every time I say them I pause and pray that the next answer was going to be a positive one. Most often than not its slightly positive but then sometime you get this for an answer "Oh my Husband/Wife left me/died" and then it's just really hard to recover from that question as you stutter your sorries and back track feeling like a mighty Pratt. Probably any gym instructors/personal trainers Reading this can relate. Another age old thing you hear getting uttered in gyms is "I will start on Monday" always women, "I will get the weekend over with, start on Monday" So basically if they eat 20,000 calories over the weekend and lie on their lazy ar*es it won't matter because they haven't started yet. No...... it definitely

Junk food

2010-04-20T09:00:00.002+01:00

I would like to drift off subject here to talk about Fast Fooooood! Yes McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut come fav on most peoples lists. To be honest I will admit I have eaten out of all 3 at some point or other (No my body is not my temple, even though I would like it to be). Yesterday at a gathering of friends One of my favourite Aunties (she reads this blog) was telling me that whenever she goes to McDonalds she thinks how disappointed I would be of her. This seems to be the general consensus among my acquaintances, you know, the people I put the fear into if they eat fast food ( if you think being my friend is tough try being a client) I say "So how has your eating been this week?" *Looks quizzically expecting a good answer* Client : "Um well, actually I had a few friends round on Saturday and erm, wee had you know (No I don't know) . . . . . . . A few drinks and there was crisps (*Face changes to that of your mother when she first caught you underage drinking*) and then I was a bit rough on Sunday and had (Next bit said so quickly that I can just about make it out) afryup!". Tut Tut TUT! Hang your head in shame bla bla bla. Actually I enjoy a good feed, as anyone who knows me well enough to have eaten with me knows. I Love my food. But I still hate hate hate McDonalds (it started it all) and when I go to peoples houses and see those glass coca cola cups I turn my nose up and think (this greedy B* has been to McDonalds eh?) I was at another Aunts house last night and found myself drinking out of one of these cups in question. Hmmmm Mcdonalds eh? Wasn't till came back into my house and I realised I have my very own McDonalds Glass fan (Alan) I must hang my head in shame. Really I should ban him from crossing to the dark side.

Newbies beware!

2010-04-19T09:08:00.004+01:00

Gym Newbies! You can spot them a mile off, oh mother of god the trainers, blinding white, and so chunky that it looks like they are wearing the person rather than the other way around. They wander about looking like lost puppies, randomly sitting on a peice of equipment and they try to read the instructions without it looking obvious so it ends up they look like a cross between the elephant man and a pitbull, they go on the treadmill and actually clip themselves on whilst holding on with a grip so tight thier knuckles are white and they are so close to the front thier feet hit the base, 'Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang' or the leg press for instance they weights hit against each other on thier way back down 'Clang, Clang Clang' These are only a few noises of a newbie. . . . . . But no really I have a soft spot for gym newbies, I like to take them under my wing, i'm like a mini teradactle. Once I said to a newbie, have you tried the swiss ball, honestly just saying that had the same effect as kryptonite on superman, they virtually wasted away in front of me. So I took them over to it, sat them on it, asked them to relax "You're ok now, I've got you, i've got you, relax, let it go, relax, you're safe now" - I'm like the hero at the end of a movie, when he comforts the girl after she has been on the run from rogue FBI agents, and she's finally exposed them without getting caught. Eventually they relax, and most of the times you have a client for life, they are very loyal. Just yesterday at the gym, whilst doing my biceps I pressed pause on my ipod to listen to a "know it all" talk to a newbie (yes I know its fly, they thought I couldn't hear them) this particular newbie had a book at the gym with him, the men's health book with detailed explanations of exercises with diagrams. He looked gormless. The "know it all" was just taking an opportunity to show off so told the guy to try press ups with a weight on his back. the poor boy couldn't even do a press up at all. I mean really, there is looking like a newbie or looking like an idiot. Don't take a book to the gym, its a bloody invitation for all of lifes know it alls to give you advice. I watched, that's what happened, one left and another one took his place. Poor boys head was like mush, or more mushy than before.

The usual Suspects

2010-04-16T19:53:00.003+01:00

One of the most hilarious social groups at the gym is the posers, yes you have all witnessed it, perved on it, been intimidated by it or even dabbled in poserdom from time to time. I know I have. Gym posers are the ones who don't do much of a workout at all, the type who when you come onto the treadmill next to them they will glance at the speed your doing and put theirs up faster only to be puffing and panting a few seconds later and pressing the minus button with a sheepish look on thier face, they will go purple and pop an artery before picking up lighter weights than you. Exhibit A; Lovely looking girl, naturally slim, showing off her stomach and a wearing the skimpiest short shorts (there are rules ladies either show your legs or your stomach, never ever both) bicep curling at most the weight of about 3 feathers whilst she is looking in the mirror to see who is watching then she will proceed to do the most Kamasutraesque stretches in full view of the free weights area. Exhibit B; The guy in his 30's with the Nike pro compression top and freakishly skinny legs in the excruciatingly short and baggy (not a good combination to support the male "parts") running shorts, he might be slim but should really not go near these compression tops, for the super fit only (man boobs beware). He will prance about looking to do a bit, watch his arms in the mirror as he pushes a weight here and there, then follow exhibit A into the jacuzzi. Finally Exhibit C, The bodybuilder/poser it's not a good combination. Wearing a really loose baggy vest top (probably one of the 80's style boy crop tops) and multi coloured baggy trousers (you know the sort). Will usually find him at the mirrors practicing his posing, oh triceps, hmmm chest. errmmm calf, no not calf I don't do legs remember, oh theres a big yellow spot on my shoulder, I'm going to squeeze that (I kid you not, this actually happened). I approach him "excuse me, could you please wipe that off the mirror there" Yuk Yuk Yuk. Do these people have no mirrors in their own home to squeeze their yellow spot puss onto. Exhibit C also follows exhibit A into the jacuzzi and they all live happily ever after.