Little Mrs. Maffett

Then there were three...

2015-04-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

So, there is a person growing in me!

How did it come about?

Well, you should know how this kind of thing happens. But if you don't, you should probably call and ask your mom. Should lead into a great conversation so make sure you're sitting down.

But anyways, the subject of babies was always an intimidating thought that was just a far off experience for much later in life. I mean, we even decided that we would get a dog way before we would try children! We never did get a dog, but we are going to have a baby!!

When we first got married (4 years ago), we discussed the likelihood of intentionally trying to have babies starting at ages 23 & 25. Then we hit those ages and looked around and said, "um... maybe we should wait." I was ready, but the subject always seemed to send a small shock of terror up Derek's spine.

Having a baby is a really big deal, so I tried not to press the issue. I understand that babies happen even when folks are not intentionally trying to produce one and I know that we both would have welcomed a sweet little one no matter the circumstance. But I really wanted him to feel like he was ready rather than feeling "set up" and make him feel stuck or surprised. Derek never said anything leading or hinting to him actually feeling that way, but my own insecurities allowed that to be my interpretation of his hesitation. And what I didn't know was it was really affecting our intimacy and our trust in the relationship.

I was really fearful. I had a lot of friends around me that were having a really hard time trying to conceive. Some had been trying for years, and nothing. Then some would get pregnant and lose their little one shortly after. I miscarried at 9 weeks when I was 18, and that was the most horrific experience of my life. I didn't want that experience again. But what if we waited too long and my "clock ran out"? What if I don't work right and can't even help create or carry a baby? Would I be okay with that? Could I trust God's love for me through that? Would I let that define me? Man, we weren't even "trying" yet but I found myself tortured by these thoughts. Sometimes, I just wanted to get pregnant just to see if I could... It's a joyless, lonely walk that I chose to stay in... What the heck was I doing!?

I couldn't see God through any of those thoughts. When I don't see God while in a circumstance, I have to stop trying to figure it out and just ask him where he is. There are times when I don't hear him clearly or right away and it's really hard because I seem to have forgotten who He is, his character, and his love for me, which is that he is consistant, never changing, and unwavering. When I get like that, I really have to talk to the Lord and trust that God will reveal himself to me and show his love for me, no matter what that looks like, in the situation. So I waited. Some times were harder to be still and wait than others, but I began to see God's intentional preservation of our cute little blessing.

Back in August, Derek and I were still living with a very generous family with two adorable toddlers. At first, Derek was really careful with the kids and kept his distance. Not because he didn't like them, he just didn't really know what to do with them, and if I was honest, neither did I. I started to watch a transformation happen in both myself and Derek when it came to children. They seemed like hard work but a joyful gift indeed! I remember Derek started asking the father of the family questions about fatherhood, responsibilities, and how to love your children well. This was big.

Derek surprised me with a super sweet 25th birthday gift! DISNEYLAND!!! We would spend the weekend riding coasters and being entertained by Disneyland characters. :) I was so excited. But that was not the only surpise he had for me. At dinner, he told me he was ready for children! I was BLOWN AWAY! I was so excited for this new adventure. And I was ovulating.

Now I am 30 weeks pregnant with our 1st son. I'm blown away by God's grace to us. What a precious gift and all in his timing. We are grateful, nervous, and so full of love. What a journey ahead of us!

Come what may, we will glorify the Lord.

Tuesday Letters...

2015-01-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Decaf Coffee Beans,
I really like you. You taste great and make me think I have the real thing. Thank you for your trickery and your yummy taste. See you tomorrow. Sincerely, Addicted

Dear Lady Driving Behind Me Last Night,
I'm not sure if you are new to this, but when your dashboard shows a little blue symbol when you turn on your headlights, that means that your brights are on. When you are on a busy road, you don't need those. The normal headlights will do. Hope that helps. Sincerely, Blinded

Dear Dave Ramsey & Team,
My husband and I have been "following" you for over 5 years now, more like watching from afar. We listened to you about some things and completely ignored you for others. Now that we have lived and learned, we are ready for change. We have been following your Baby Steps for 4 months now and are already seeing big changes in our finances and in our hearts. Thank you. Sincerely, Wishing-I-Did-This-Sooner

Dear Water Bottles,
I am so grateful for your existence. Seriously, I find you in my purse, in my car, by my bed, everywhere! Thanks, because you are there whenever I need you, but since I only drink you a little at a time, you kinda make me look trashy. So, pick yourself up, okay? That'd be great. Sincerely, Can't-Finish-Anything.

Dear Man That Left A Message On My Voicemail,
Yeah I can't call you back because I heard your name was "Bernsoseski Entonvc-son" and your number was "2#$-ERS-LU25." I can't understand who you are, or how to contact you. Maybe try calling back and stick to English this time. Sincerely, Thinking-You-Have-The-Wrong-Number.

Mornings with the Maffetts

2014-12-08T14:26:00.003-08:00

Today, we are playing the 1, 2, 3 tag game (or at least our take of it). What other games should we play together?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFrul5czRss

Monday Mornings with the Maffetts (Ep. 1)

2014-11-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

Good Morning!!

We are trying something new with the crazy two of us!

Enjoy!

Drowning

2014-09-22T11:09:00.001-07:00

My first reaction was, "When it rains, it pours!"

The fact that I even went there, both in mind and on my facebook status, shows alot about the true state of my heart. I gave alot of annoyed sighs, a couple eye-rolls, and I heard myself say, "for real God?" just a few times during this season. But none the less, I was moving forward... Right? Standing firm and enduring my hardship. Look how strong I am!! Or was I? I have found myself, really, just exsisting while taking, what felt like, each progressively, overwhelming surge.

Got into an accident, whip lash and a late night visit to the ER.

The place where we worship is in controversy, lots of prayer and conversations.

I broke my tooth, $300.

We find out more information about our church, lots of tears and more prayer.

Our Honda broke down, $850.

More stuff comes out about our church, now frustration, confusion, and more tears.

Paying for treatments from my accident, $250.

Our Honda breaks down again, $375.

Derek's latest yearly MRI shows 20 lesions when there has been only 3 for the past 3 years, lots of tears and I'm getting scared.

Insurance is refusing to pay for the accident, lots of anger.

More church stuff, I'm starting to get numb.

Our car's engine blows, $3,000+.

Add on the relentless day to day traffic, gas prices, work related issues, trying to build your direct sales business, fighting with my husband, moving and needing to put stuff in our home...

ALRIGHT! STOP! PLEASE!

I'm trying! I'm trying to catch my breath. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face and my chin up, but this is HARD. I'm weary and I don't want to fake it till I make it. I want real joy, real peace, and real strength, because I'm really weak.

And that's the point. I've been trying to fight the waves that are crashing into me and they keep showing me my weakness. I'm not strong enough to handle them and I feel out of control and lost. I can't stand anymore.

Yes, I have been blasted by continious waves but I'm beginning to notice that I am laid upon the Rock of Ages. This cleft Rock has me and will not seem to let me go. The waves a wearing and blistering, but this Rock is unmoveable, sterdy, and trustworthy. He is my salvation in the storm. He is my safe ground, the One whom I find my shelter. Despite all things, which cannot be ignored or overlooked, He is ever present. In is presence alone, I am given an odd peace, one I normally wouldn't have in floods like this. He is here. He has made Himself known to me and I will follow him. My circumstance didn't change, just my perspective in light of my identity.

Jesus is to be my joy. Not my means to an end.

A Story that's "Weighty"

2014-08-06T09:07:00.001-07:00

This story is just that…a story! I happen to live this story, but I'm hoping that it can give you a little insight on how God has used my circumstances to love me, but even more how much I need him. This story illustrates where I currently find myself. I would like to remind you that this does not define me, although it used to. Sometimes I feel like I have "Big Girl" written on my forehead, but my weight, height, cellulite, and stretch marks say very little of my heart. Please read my story, and remember it's just a tiny glimpse into God's huge, overarching story of His Glory. Please note that I am not sharing this for any health advice or weight loss plans. I have a great team around me that is helping me overcome where my heart is, my sin, and my eating habits. I tell this story with the intentions of showing the depravity of my human heart, and ultimately show, once again that I as well as you, have a daily desperate need for a Savior.

"Dang, She got big!"
Those are the words I have overheard friends saying to other friends. I could read them as they rolled off the lips of family members, as they leaned over to whisper into another's ear. I have heard things like, "I would let you borrow my shirt, but I don't want it to stretch out," "I don't want it, but Courtney will probably eat it," and "She can't fit in here," from people on a packed elevator.

Thankfully, no one has asked me the question, "are you pregnant?" No, I'm not! I think I would cry on the spot. I have gained about 51 pounds in less than 3 years. Yes, I know there is a problem. No, it is not my thyroid. Truthfully, sometimes I wish it were a pregnancy, or had a thyroid issue. Then I would have something else to blame for how I look, rather than the truth! The truth is that I need to look at my heart and acknowledge the real problem. This may seem sad, but it's true.

Over three years ago, on my wedding day I wore a size 8 fitted-dress.

I weighed 165 pounds. I looked great, but I was miserable.

Growing up I developed quicker than most of my schoolmates. My birthday was after August so our school held me back from starting Pre-K for a year. I wasn't too self-conscious until I entered 6th grade. Something triggered in me when my best friend, who was overweight, began to hate herself for how she looked. I played outside a lot, played volleyball, and was pretty active. I had a cute body, but I began to see that I looked different from the girls around me. I was taller and my body developed curves sooner then theirs did. I didn't see that as maturity, I saw it as being big. I felt big, no matter my weight, or the pant's size. It became an ever present voice that taunted me in my head. As I feared my weight and tried to control it, my body blew up. It was this massive pendulum that swung from anorexia to gluttony. I considered throwing up, but I was a singer and knew it could damage my vocal cords. Instead I tried to eat my sorrow away, but it never seemed satisfied.

Through high school, I quit all of my sports because a "serious" relationship was taking up a lot of my time. I gained alot of weight, and I gained it really fast. I remember in the beginning of my relationship, this boyfriend begging me with tears in his eyes, "Please, don't get fat! Please!"

I broke up with him and ran away to a bible school (that's a whole 'nother story). I lost a lot of my weight thanks to being broke, having no job, and a low budget cafeteria menu. I became less stressed as the pounds shed, but still in my heart, I felt like a "fat girl."

I was able to stay smaller as I worked at the summer camp which had long hours and small meals. Still, my heart was uneasy and wasn't satisfied. In my eyes, I was bigger than the girls around me. I was convienced I couldn't be anyone's definition of beautiful because I wasn't even my own.

In my mind, beautiful was blond, petite, and super skinny.
Which I was none of the above!

Where did I get this? Why was this my definition? Maybe media, maybe it was the girls I saw with the guys I wanted. Maybe it was because I didn't see myself as beautiful, beauty had to be everything I wasn't.

I was sold a lie, and bought it.

I didn't believe anyone that would try to tell me I was lovely, or that what I was believing was lies! Instead, the rejection of others and lack of praise was what defined me. It was my identity. I was broken. I had no idea who I really was. I didn't believe that what God created (Me!) was good or was ever enough. Even when I had all that my wicked heart desired, the blonde hair and was a skinny version of myself. I was not satisfied.

I met Derek at that summer camp.

He was a masterpiece.

Smart, handsome, funny, and amazingly talented!

I really liked him. He seemed to really like me too.

I felt I had two things going for me at that point. Two things I thought I could slam on our imaginary table and say "Hey Derek! Choose me! I'm worth something!"

1. I thought I was pretty (now that I wasn't as big as I once was).

2. I could sing.

I knew Derek wanted to be a spoken word artist, so I knew I had what he would want in a wife.

I would like to add, God loves his creation. He loves what He has made. He knows all things, which means He also knows what will destroy us. These two things I thought I brought to the table defined me, not Jesus. I was worth something, because I was pretty, and I could sing. Not because I found my hope and idenity in Jesus.

So what would it mean if I wasn't “pretty," and I could no longer sing... What would I have left?

Let's find out.

Because God loves me so much, He destroyed my idols. It seemed like the day after my wedding I inflated. Five, ten, twenty pounds. I was speeding down a hill and I could not stop. I tried what seemed like everything, but I couldn't let go of the weight.

I grew polyps on my vocal cords, and because I was prideful and angry, I kept singing. I ended up losing my voice and needing surgery, which kept me completely silent for about a month. I never thought I would sing again. I was so angry at God. As I lost control, I thought for sure Derek would leave me because I wasn't the girl he married anymore. I was just waiting for a tiny, blonde girl to come bouncy into our lives and I would have to watch my husband be woo'd away from me.

What happened next, left me in awe.

This man loved me so well during these past 3 years. He has held me as I've cried, complimented me, encouraged me as I worked out, and continued to enjoy me as I am. My inability to believe I was enough played a huge part in many of our fights. Derek has shown me the Gospel by loving me deeply during this time past my body shape. We are still together, our covenant is strong, and we are growing in our love, and enjoyment of each other daily! He is my biggest fan, and my best friend. I'm so grateful for the gift he is in my life.

When do you hear stories like that?

Now, you may think that God was mean to me (I did at the time), or you may even say that this wasn't God. You may think I miss stated something when I said he loves me so much that he destroyed my idols. But I know God loves me! He has convienced me of this truth time, and time again. I know he would preserve me for that which will greatly harm me, I'm not just talking about temporal, but eternal/heart/deep stuff. He cares more about my heart then my happiness, because He knows what my heart is focused on will direct me. When I am naval gazing, I compare, covet, and critize all those around me, losing many friends in the process. I know because it's happened before!!

Let me clarify. Being healthy and strong is not wicked. It's what Jesus intended us to do as stewards of our body. But personally, that was not my heart's intensions in my vanity. I wanted to be hot, admired, and wanted. Those are dangerous desires with ill intentions. I'm glad Jesus didn't let me lose the weight. I could see that the vanity in my heart was quenching any joy out of my day to day life.

I'm learning so much about what beauty really is, and this is why my blog say "Beauty flows from a beautiful heart," it's true!. My weight, my hair color, skin color, even the words people say about me, do not define me. My identity is found is Christ Alone!

My body may not be where it should be, but my heart is growing in a direction where I can become a better steward with it. I want to glorify God with my body, heart and mind and feel confident that my idenity is not found in my pant's size, but whom I hide myself in. Jesus.

"Rock of Ages, cleft for me. Let me hide myself in thee."

This is certainly not the end of my story, and I can't wait to share more of overcoming gluttony and obesity. I hope to learn these valuable lessons thoroughly, so that I may pass them on to my children.

How do you feel in your skin? Who/What defines that?

Friendship is Important

2014-07-01T13:45:00.003-07:00

Life is busy! There seems to always be something going on in work, at church, or at home. It's hard finding time to have intentional relationships, but they are much needed. I'm grateful that my church encourages community groups to gather once a week. This makes it easy to get to know people in your area and build strong relationships with people you normally wouldn't.

1. Be approachable: I haven't approached some ladies before because they just have this mug on their face that says, "What are you looking at?" I want to say, "Umm, nothing. I'm sorry," and walk away very quickly. Ladies, check your face.

2. Be a good listener: I have the hardest time with this one. I can be really selfish and find great joy in talking all about myself. I can change an entire conversation that starts about someone else and to become about me. Something the Holy Spirit has been convicting me on is to start intentionally listening to anyone that talks with me. What are they saying? Are they passionate about it? I don't have to put my two cents in, I can just listen and rejoice, mourning, or just be with them.

3. Be truthful but gracious: After listening, sometimes there needs to be truth shared. Whether it's sin to be addressed or you can tell they are believing a lie from the enemy, we are to share truth graciously. Truth isn't a hammer to break a person with. It isn't a moment of "I told you so." It's "please hear me out on this, because I love you." Pray first. Ask for wisdom and the words to address issues and share truth. Share Jesus with them.

4. Be adventurous: Your friends may like things that you have never tried or may not be right up your alley but I say, give it a try. They may like rollercoasters, hiking, roller blading, or sewing. Go for it. :) Step out of your comfort zone and try it. You never know, you may like it. I know that one of the things that blessed me, is when my best friend & husband Derek took me to a modern dance class. I love dance, but he does not! But he signed us up as a date night, and we both had such a blast. It was a onetime thing, but it was a memory for the books.

5. Be loving, even when it's hard: Sometimes, we don't see eye to eye and that's okay. We live in a fallen world with sinful people and despite how much we try, we will let each other down and even hurt each other. Don't jump out of a friendship when something happens, stick in there and watch your friendship get strong in the long run. It's worth it.

Are you someone that others consider a good friend? What ways is Jesus changing your heart and mind in order to become a better one?

In Christ Alone

2014-06-26T11:57:00.003-07:00

https://soundcloud.com/courtney-maffett/in-christ-alone

This is a recording from the audience, of our band the Loyal Strangers. I got the opportunity to lead this song.
Written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

What song do you love to worship Jesus with?

Dear 13 year-old Courtney,

2014-06-12T13:09:00.001-07:00

We need to talk. I know you really don't like reading but I wanted to share some wisdom with you. Mind you, I'm you only a couple years further down the line, so that should scare you enough to keep reading...

First off, DO NOT TRY TO PIERCE YOUR TONGUE BY YOURSELF AT YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE! That's stupid! Just because a couple of rebellious thirteen year olds in a movie did it, does not mean you should try. It's going to hurt and you're going to pass out. Yeah, you pass right out when you look in the mirror and see that SEWING needle in your tongue! Need I mention it doesn't even work in the end. Please. Just don't.

Secondly, love your family. Yes, I called them your family. Despite everything that has happened, no amount of distance and ignoring them makes them any less your family. Take advantage of your placement with them now because you never know when they will choose to cut off all communication with you or worse, leave this earth forever. Cherish them.

Hey, slow down. Enjoy the ride. The point of all of this isn't to get to the end of the road. It's the journey. There's alot to look at, tons of memories, laughter, cakes, storms, flat-tires, emergency room visits, and alot of the people. Soak it all in. Let that Texas-Tornado, survival-mode mind of yours slow down and smell the flowers, because you're missing them! It's a beautiful world that the Lord has created for us to enjoy and develop. Yeah, it can be pretty painful and at times dreadfully heart-breaking, but all of that draws you closer to Him, in whom we find peace, comfort, and restoration.

Speaking of Him, I want to tell you something.

(Oh, I know you think you know who I am talking about. You've heard His name and have heard stuff folks around you have said about him, but that doesn't mean you know him. I want to remind you of all the times you were misrepresented by things that people said about you and they based their entire opinion of you solely on hear-say. Pretty frustrating, right?! You really don't know a person until they have revealed themselves to you and actually spend some time allowing you to really get to know them. So, hear me out.)

You're angry. I get it and it's okay to be angry. He's going to help you in that area, and one of the first things He is going to give you is forgiveness. Then He is going to tell you to give it to others, even the undeserving ones. I know that that is the last thing you want to give because it makes you feel weak and vulnerable, and truthfully you want everyone to pay for what they've done to you. Let Jesus, the creator of everything, be your vindicator and the judge.

Soon, sweet girl, you are going to realize that Jesus has given you forgiveness for everything. Yes, I said, forgiveness for everything. No, you did nothing to deserve it, actually you didn't deserve it at all. This forgiveness was driven, given, and initiated by Love. I want you to look up 1 John 4:8. Now, reread that last sentence.

God loves you.

This love is not like anything you have ever experienced. He cares for you. He was with you and wept with you as you went through what you did. You are His and He is yours. This makes no sense right now and that's okay, but soon after experiencing this for yourself, He is going to enable you to forgive the people you never thought you could.

Courtney, you have been forgiven. You are loved. You are chosen. I know you may not think you need it right now because you're "a pretty good person," but you will soon see that you are in desperate need of a Savior and you need forgiveness. He is the source of all things and he gives it to you not based on your performance, but freely. Live for His glory. There is so much joy there. That is where your identity is found, in Jesus.

Sincerely,

(You in 12 years.)

Since You Been Gone...

2014-05-17T00:48:00.003-07:00

One of our dear friends, Pancho, has moved back down to Texas. Derek offered to make the trip down with him and then just fly back after spending a couple days with his parents. Now normally, I am the one traveling which leaves Derek at home. So really, I've never been at home alone for a week at a time. This is weird.

Which has given me some time to notice what he does for me, how much he has inspired me, and just how much I really miss him.

Dear Mr. Maffett,

I need you to know that:
1. I miss your presence. You have given such me a sense of security and I feel very safe around you. I've noticed that I am a little more nervous when I'm on my own.
2. I really miss your laugh. Your laugh is contagious and I love when I get you rollin'. I'm literally willing to do anything just to keep you laughing after I get you started. It makes me so happy!!!
3. I miss your wisdom. I make dumb decisions when you are not around. The Holy Spirit uses you all the time to keep me in check, and he is easier to ignore when he isn't audible thru you.
4. I enjoy your sweet surprises. I miss the small things you do for me. Like flowers for no reason, and hanging my jacket because it's laying on the floor.
5. I am grateful for all of your acts of service. My phone would always be dead, my alarm wouldn't go off, and my keys would be lost forever without you.

6. I really enjoy our late night talks. You know, the ones I fall asleep during. (Jeez, this list is convicting...) Talking on the phone is nice but I miss seeing the passion in your eyes when you talk about something you believe in or want.

7. I am thankful for your conviction. You can be bullheaded at times but your relentlessness for what you believe is inspiring. You fight hard for what's right and always stand up for truth.

8. I love to hear your kind words. You are a strong, yet tender man. When you speak, you are intentional and meaningful.

9. I'm inspired by your love for the Lord. You are always leading me closer and closer to Jesus and testing my faith. You are repentant and forgiving. Thank you. :)

10. I can help but love your sweet dance moves. If anyone drops a beat, you are quick to drop it likes it hot with me. I'm grateful for a man that is so much fun!

I love you. I miss you. Come home soon.
XOXO, Your bride

Changing up your normal routine is hard. Especially if it involves another person that is out of town for work or in another state seeing their parents. How do you deal with it? What kind of impacts and inspirations has a friend or family member made on you that you don't always notice, until it's missing? How does that make you want to love others on a more consistent bases?

Seriously, Green Flowers?

2014-04-17T18:19:00.001-07:00

I used to love romantic comedies. I love watching as "fate" made a handsome hunk fall helplessly in love with a perfect, dainty beauty that he would do for. It was so ROMANTIC but I've come to find that it is so not real life.

Derek liked me. He liked me a lot. He gave me a promise ring about 2 months after we started to intentionally date/court. Now he tells me, he wished he had just proposed because promise rings are pretty stupid. They say, "I promise to eventually engage you then promise to eventually marry you..."

Through our dating season though, Derek didn't give me flowers, or any special gifts other than the expected holiday stuff. We were both poor college students at the time, which was super understandable why I wasn't being showered in romantic symbols, but that didn't stop me from wanting to be shown this form of love.

My heart got pretty bad for a season. I began to wonder if Derek really even liked me. He would spend time with me, have great conversations with me, and tell me I was pretty from time to time. But for some reason, I just wanted him to surprise me with notes and poems, and sweet things like flowers and I was unsatisfied I wasn't getting that attention.

During our first year of marriage, I had such a hard time dealing with unmet and truthfully, unreasonable expectations that I held on Derek. He wasn't acting like the movies I watched growing up that said he would if he really loved me. I finally opened up about it, and Derek was hurt that I felt so neglected. I felt pretty stupid saying any of it because I would be reminded of all the sweet, whole hearted things he would say and do daily to show his love for me. But my words continued to fall out of my mouth, "I JUST WANT SOME FRIGGIN' FLOWERS!!!"

A couple days past and I came home to Derek's smiley face. "Welcome home, honey!"

As I hugged him, I could see over his shoulder a small vase with bright, neon orange, yellow, and green flowers.

Wait... What?

Neon orange.

Neon yellow.

Neon green.

Flowers.

The first flowers Derek has ever bought me.

Cue internal struggle between my brain and my heart.

Brain - "Shut up, he got you flowers."

"Awe, you got me flowers." I said in my soft, girlie voice. His eyes lit up, proud of his accomplishment. "Thank you so much." I whispered.

Heart - "Does he not know me, at all...”

Brain - "You asked for flowers, you were not very specific."

Heart - "Did I have to be?"

Brain - "Let it go and be grateful. Be patient."

So I thought I had let it go by not saying anything about it, but inside, I despised those flowers and mocked Derek for ever getting them.

Three hours later, we get into an argument about something minor and out of my mouth rolls, "YOU BOUGHT ME GREEN FLOWERS... REALLY!?"

I couldn't be grateful. I couldn't see the fact that he was trying to love me in my "language of love" which is very different from his, which is service and quality time. I made it about what I was getting verses the fact that my husband was blessing me and trying to show his love for me.

It was rough and my heart didn't change immediately.

For a while I used this story as ammo for how I thought Derek needed to step up his game. But I have since realized that I was the fool. I was the one so bent on the color of the flowers that I couldn't smell the sweet aroma of his love for me.

I apologized to him, about a year and a half later, for holding expectations over him (some that I didn't even realize I did) as to how his "real love for me" should look. Derek is not a Hollywood character, nor are we here to write my dream love story. We are a part of God's story, which is more romantic and pure then any "true love" tale ever told. He is kind, gentle, and patient despite our broken gifts and ever wondering hearts.

It has become a running tradition, and a never-failing-laughter-starter, to get some type of green flower in each bouquet that Derek gives me. It reminds me of God's pure love for me and intends for me to experience and give. It reminds me that,

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13

Houston, We Have A Problem...

2014-04-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

I was scared.
Geniunely, fearful.

Derek was diagnoised back in 2011 with multiple sclerosis (an amazing story which I'll share later). His amazing doctor started him on a great medicine called Copaxone. The side effects were small and quick, if any at all, compared to the other treatments available. Derek was 24 years old at the time and was covered by his dad's insurance, but we both knew that that would end on the last day of November of 2013 at 11:59 pm. We knew that day was coming and we had no clue what we were going to do about it. So we prayed and kept living life.

Moving to Seattle was so exciting! We came to realize that we were doing something pretty out of the ordinary. We would get strange looks when people would ask what was taking us to Seattle and our answer would be "Jesus." We didn't really have a plan. We just knew we were supposed to do it.

I had gotten a job with Princess Cruiseline over a phone interview while still living in Houston. The program was a temporary position and would begin May 15th and end October 15th. I didn't care. It was a job in Seattle, our next season, and another reason to give people instead of "Jesus" when they asked why we were moving. Plus, it sounded pretty official. "Oh, I got a job working for a cruise line, you may have heard of it. It's called Princess. Princess Cruiseline."

We made it to Seattle, and began to settle in. Derek applied and was accepted to do an internship with the church. That meant he would only have time to work a part-time position. But, I was excited! This is what we had been praying for and it was happening. We were both in agreement that I would be the primary source of income, (funny, huh? see Sailing to Seattle.) and Derek would continue to work part-time as a Segway Tour guide. Yeah, my Texan husband was giving folks a tour around Seattle. :) Jesus is hilarious.

I thought surely I could work my way into Princess. I thought I could show them I'm a good worker and have something to offer the company. But when I got there, I noticed I was one of about 2,000 other temps hired for the Alaska season. They seemed to be favoring others around me and I just couldn't get "in." We all know when we are "in" and when we are truly just temps. This temp position didn't offer any health insurance either, just a nice discount on a future cruise with them.

What am I supposed to do? Derek's medicine costs about $4,000 a month without insurance and God forbid he get hospitalized again. That's about $40,000 we don't have. We needed health care. We needed a good job.

The pressure fell on me like a heavy sack of potatoes. I felt like it all depended on me. So what does Courtney do when she needs to get something done. She does it. Quickly. With not alot of prayer or thought. She jumps on whatever seems fastest and most logical.

So I quit Princess.

I found out that Starbucks gives health care to part-time employees and they just so happen to be hiring down from my house. I applied and got the 25 hour a week job.

It was fun at first. I really enjoyed be a barista. But honestly, we could barely pay our bills, how the heck are we going to pay for health care too. I couldn't just get healthcare for him, I had to pay for mine also... And that was going to end up taking our whole check!! I realized quickly that I had messed up. WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

I was at my breaking point. Fear consumed me. Lies and condemnation flooded my mind.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Your husband will pay for your selfishness."

"God's going to punish you for being disobedient."

"You're done for."

I didn't realize how I saw the Lord until that moment. I began to realize that I saw him as some sort of karmic deity, that would punish me at any slip off of his harshly thin tight rope of righteousness. I couldn't handle it. I believed he would let us fail and crush us because of my fear, hasty decisions, and lack of faith. Oh how, I didn't understand the Gospel.

I believed I was a broken, unprofitable product that was once again failing the expectations of the One whom I just wanted to love me. What I didn't understand was, yes I am. I am all of that. But all of those expectations were fulfilled by Jesus. His righteousness is now my righteousness. His faithfulness is now my faithfulness. And I mean, I knew that. But I didn't really believe that. My mind said, "Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that." But my actions said, "No way. I'm all alone in this." Is it really something you believe if you don't do what you are saying you believe?

"Hey, there is poop in that cookie."

"Oh, okay thanks for the heads up."

AND YOU EAT IT!!

Yeah, you didn't believe it.

I cried out. I repented for running in any direction I thought would be my salvation rather than turning to him. I repented for turning to this world in hopes that it would save us from our sure demise.

I saw no where to go from where I already was, so I stayed at Starbucks. I was determined to be faithful where he has allowed me to be, and really trust that he can bring water out of this seemingly dry rock. I had to trust that God cared for both Derek and I, and that he would provide a new job or sustain us where we were. I would apply to local jobs as I saw them posted online, staying open for any new oppurtunities. I could breathe. The pressure began to lift.

August came quickly, and I noticed one morning I had an email replying an application I had filed. I was requested to contact the HR who had a couple questions about my resume. She made me aware that a couple hundred people had already applied for this position and that this would be a multiple step process that would take some time.

September rolls around. I do a phone interview with this company. I heard alot of "Oh, perfect!" and "That's awesome!" which was pretty encouraging. By the end of September, I, along with 5 others, were requested for an in person interview.

October 3rd, my 24th birthday, I go in for a background check.
*Super intimidating.*

October 7th, I heard "You'll hear from us Friday."
*I'm getting nervous.*

October 18th... I hear, "Monday."
*I am so scared at this point.*

What was happening? Was I going to get this job or not? It's an admin position and I was great at that and November was getting so close. Could I still trust God? Was this all going to worth it?

October 24th, my phone rings. I hear "Congratulations! Check your email."

I read the offer. I was floored. God provided. Derek's insurance would end November 30th, 2013 at 11:59 pm and the new insurance began December 1st, 2013 at 12 am. Derek and I danced and sang and cried.

Literally to the minute, God provided.

Dating One Last Time - Part 3

2014-04-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

"Which way are you going?"

"Hey, so what do you wanna do with your life?"
"I really like music, I like telling people about Jesus, and I really think I'm going to travel."
"Hmmm... Me too..."

Are you both going the same direction? Does the mission you feel called to seem to walk right next to theirs? Don't get me wrong, Mr. Derek is polar opposite from me. He is a take-it-as-it-comes, wise introvert while I'm a control-freak, quick-to-talk extrovert. And, technically, Derek and I do not look simialiar to anyone from our dating past, so you could even go as far as saying we aren't really each other's "typical type". But we, by God's grace, work. We both love Jesus, and we both want to see his name known. We both enjoy teaching and music, and neither of us mind picking up and leaving when Jesus tells us to. And we really love and enjoy each other. We are super good friends!

Wanting similar primary things will be fundimental for your relationship. By primary, I mean, do they know, love, and serve Jesus.

1. If your friend has not repented from sin and turned to Jesus, then based on scripture, this is not who you are supposed to be with... right now. Missional dating is not impossible and I've hear stories of good marriages that started missionally, but it really isn't your job to convert "hot stuff" by dating them. I would like to remind you that you are not the Savior, you can't save anyone, nor are you responsible for their salvation. You, as their friend can hang out them, invite them to church, pray with them, and rejoice with them as they progress. Then, maybe you can consider a future together.

This can save a lot of unnecessary heartache. So if you have the expectation that, since you are a Christian, if you date "Shorty" and get them to come to church with you, maybe they then will become a Christian, you have a sour motive and this could lead you somewhere you don't necessarily want to go. This person could building their foundation on you and not Jesus, and if you break up or the first time you let them down, they'll probably stop going to church because you were the only reason they came. Remember, we make horrible gods.

2. If you are a Christian and evidently so your friend is too and you KNOW that you are going to be a missionary in South Africa, and home-boy wants to be a CEO of a multimillion dollar company in downtown New York City, then this is probably isn't going to work out. I say probably, because God can do anything and shorten your missionary years and reunite you on the top floor of the Empire State Building and you get married and on and on.

But that being said, pay attention. Sometimes you just know, "yeah this isn't right." Sometimes your prayers may have to be, "help me see truth because I can't get past the fact that he is so fine!!!" If you know you this isn't right, it doesn't make you better then them and it doesn’t make this person second best, it's just, he's not yours (listen to Not Mine) and that's okay. It just means ya'll aren't going in the same direction. That is good friendship material, but not good spouse material.

I'd like to pray for you.

Father,
Thank you for your design. Thank you for your plan to bring your people unto you and unite them with yourself and with each other. Thank you for friendship. Thank you for marriage. Help your children decern which is appropriate for which relationships. Help us let go of what is not good or right for us, and trust that you will preserve any gift (relationship) that you mean for us to have. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Dating One Last Time - Part 2

2014-04-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

Friendship.

This is where you begin to see what people are really made of. You learn what they laugh at, what they constantly talk about, any allergies, all their favorites, and even how they like their coffee. Friendships tend to take the pressure off of trying to perform in order to woo. This allows you to show yours and to see people’s worldview and character.

"We are all pretty fruity people."

I've always hear,

"if you squeeze an orange, you don't get lemon juice."

As a friend, you will be there to see this person go through daily life and even walk with them through some pretty hard stuff. You get the chance to see the fruit this person bares for what it really is, and skip that sugar coated topping that a sexually-driven, typical dating relationship adds to an already not so tasty fruit. Last thing you want to do is to get into covenant with someone that is NOTHING like they said they were. With a friendship, you see are able to see them more clearly as a sinner that is repentive (saved by grace) or a sinner that doesn't really care and requires you to like it or leave it, in which you should probably just stay friends with them.

This doesn't mean that you can't be their friend, you (if you are a Christian) want someone who has an understanding of grace and is progressing. You will never find a perfect man or woman to call your mate, but you are looking for someone who is striving to be quicker to repent (turn from sin) and turn towards Jesus in all things. That is worth the wait.

Dating One Last Time - Part 1

2014-03-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

Marriage is so beautiful. Emotionally, physically, and mentally you are bearing your naked self to this other person you have entered in to covenant with. Yes, they see it all. All of your strengths, scars, the sin, and even the flabby parts. You give yourself fully to them and they to you. Covenant is so amazing because it allows a place of safety, truth without reserve, and sweet blessing. When you enter into covenant, you give up the “right” to walk out, when stuff gets hard, when you’re not happy, or the emotions don’t seem to be there anymore. Like the gospel of Jesus, he gives us his all and he wants all of us. No tiny “hidden” parts all to ourselves, no! He wants our whole being.

When it came time to end a dating relationship, I pretty much always seemed to have always bitten off a little more than I could chew emotionally.

I wanted the covenant blessings without the covenant commitments. If they hurt me, I wanted to be able to bounce!

It's so hard changing your daily routines when it consisted of hours of talking on the phone about God knows what. All the times I would ditch my friends just so I could constantly be with this person. Then add on the abrupt rejection from this person whom I made my world. I really just wanted their friendship and now neither of us was able to step back from the position of going "too far.” I lost a lot of potentially good friendships due to my self-centered worldview and fear.

Not all "exclusive" relationships were or ended up being horrible. Some just weren't necessary. They were friendships that should have stayed friendships. Maybe it’s just me, but I found it to be crazy rare to get back to the friends only zone after I became "facebook official."

While dating recklessly, I wasn't planning on getting married anytime soon and definitely not to this person. So why did I so desperately want to have the girlfriend and boyfriend status? I seemed to love to build the substance less intimacy and wanted to be desired. I loved to reach out in the dark to see what I could find and take it as mine. Sorrowfully, I hurt a lot of people along the way.

Here are a couple things that helped me, by God's grace, date well and, thankfully, one last time.

"Will you be my friend? Check yes or no."
“A friend loves at all times.” - Proverbs 17:17

Friendship is an important foundational piece in a healthy relationship. In this area, there is a closeness that is formed just by getting to know the other person without ulterior motives. There is a trust that is given and is shaped through trials and experiences in this platonic arena. “When a friend rebukes you, that rebuke can be trusted.” - Proverbs 27: 6

Getting hurt is hard. It’s hard to forgive, it’s hard to let go, and it’s hard not to assume that everyone else is just the same as that person was. Even friendships can go sour.

One thing I want you to take away from this: In all relationships you are dealing with (just like you) a sinful person. They will hurt you, sometimes unintentionally, which you will hurt them too. They will let you down, they may forget your birthday, or they will be gone when you feel you need them the most. Just as you will do the same to them. But if you are in relationship with Jesus, you have experienced forgiveness. Forgiveness that you did not earn or deserve. And now we are told to share that same mercy with those around us. Yes, even the ones who may not seem to deserve it. We are given the gift of repentance (the ability given by God to turn from wrongful, unlawful, or harmful doing), so we can be reconciled with God and those around us. So please, do not shut yourself off from relationships because of past hurts. Ask the Lord to heal you and help you connect with his body once more, unafraid of hurt and trial, but excited about his mission and glory. Ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to share the mercy, love, and forgiveness you have experienced with him to others.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason #4

2014-03-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Emotions can be a tricky thing and when they are untethered, they can encourage getting carried away. When emotions are the filter you are seeing life through, you may not be able to see things for what they really are. Since I can tend to be a very emotional person, dating wasn't a good idea for me in that season. I really needed Jesus to satisfy my soul and teach me to keep a bit in my emotions mouth.

"BUT I LOVE HIM!" - Fear and Immaturity

When you haven't eaten for a long time, you will end up eating just about anything. A long time for some can be years of waiting. For me a long time was about 2 months, then I was parched. When we greatly fear our biological clock, being alone for the rest of our lives, or never experiencing love, we are more susceptible to looking at the first thing we see without a wedding ring and shouting, "THAT'S MINE!"

We can be easily blinded by the emotions that accompanies these desires (sinful or not), which can engulf us and renders us unable to see things with discernment. Community is crucial for this. They can help us see what we cannot at the moment. Rejecting wise counsel and flying solo disqualified me from dating well. Due to my submission to my desperate emotions, I couldn't the person I was in relationship clearly. Looking back it was incredibly obvious we weren't going in the same direction and our relationship wasn't really fruitful. Our facebook status change wasn't necessary and we should have just stayed friends.

The bottom line is: Christian, don't date if you have no intentions on marrying this person.

Enjoy friendship. Embrace community. Think about it, pray about it. It's okay to wait. Just don't be disobedient and fearful in your waiting that you don't do anything!

This is the second most important decision you will make in your life but remember you don't make it alone. By God's grace, he will not bring you to the perfect spouse, but guide you to a repentive, God-fearing best friend! That's worth waiting for.

Whether you are single, dating, or married, can you relate to any of these?
If you are single, ask the Lord to help you be patient and trust in his love for you. Ask him to daily remind you that your satisfaction is in him alone, to mold you into the God fearing person he created you to be, and to help you build strong friendships with those around you that may one day blossom into a marriage.

If you are currently in a relationship, ask God to help you find community that will walk with you through this exciting time. Ask him to empower you by his Spirit to help you keep the wise and tested boundaries placed by him through your leadership. Ask him to remind you that those boundaries are not set to crush all of your fun but helps love you and your significant other well and will lead to great fruitfulness.

If you are married, ask the Lord to purify your heart and remove the burden of insecurities, fear, and works based love. Ask the Lord to pour himself into any part of y'all's foundation that is not built on him and create health and strength in that area. Ask him to help you forgive your spouse and remove any condemnation. Remember that this is his marriage, for his glory and for your joy.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 3

2014-03-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

"Hey Sweet Thang!"

"Looking good Hot Stuff!"

"Come over here!!"
"Let me holla at you!"

"Please be over 18!"

It didn't matter if I was trying or not. These were the types of things I would hear from men of all ages while growing up. With all this adoring attention, I began to notice that I had something they wanted. And I figured out how to use it to my advantage. This is reason number three of why I had to stop dating.

"Put it out, and it will bring them in!" - Promiscuity and Immodesty

I was the worst of them all. I knew all the lines to say, the walk to strut, the looks to give in pictures and as they passed by, and had the wardrobe to reel them in right where I wanted them. But what I didn't know was I was banking on a foundation that wasn't going to last.

Beauty is fleeting. This vanity is easily linked to promiscuity.

I'm putting something on the market that I desire someone to pay full price for, but my marketing tactics are saying I'm giving it away at a Clearance deal. And that's what they come in for.

This does not promote friendship within the relationship but promotes a business proposition. "You give me that, I'll give you a little bit of this." Foundations made of sand will shift and crumble, taking down all that is built on it. Emotions, plans, experiences, money, everything. Or worse, the wind could shift (new girl will walks by) and they will be gone. Then what.

Please know, sweet girl, you are worth so much more. This is not to build up your head in pride but to fill your heart with truth. You have been bought with a heavy price by the One who loves and created you. Do not give away what is not yours to give. Yes, the compliments feel really good. Yes, it feels empowering to know you have something someone else desires. But your body is not a weapon, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit. Remember that when you are tempted to sacrifice yourself at the alter of that temporary, hollow pleasure. Jesus' blood can wash away every stain. He is the only One who can make all things new. Turn to him.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 2

2014-03-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

Something I continually found myself doing, was pushing away from anyone that tried to tell me what to do. Authority... No thank you. Especially when it came to stopping me from getting something I wanted. Here is my second reason why I had to stop dating.

"Mind your own business!" - Pride, Rebellion, & Arrogance

There was a family that took me in after I first became a Christian. This was family of believers, with a loving father and a gracious mother, that offered to help protect me, provide for me, and love me. I saw the fruit of their labor and could tell they had a deep love and trust in Jesus. So when they offered to protect my heart, I quickly obliged.

Not soon after that, I met Derek. My first crush since becoming a Christian. I had no idea God had an intentional plan that covered me so my relationship with Derek would be full of honesty, transparency, and wise and biblical boundaries set by leadership, who have all been there and done that. Now I know that this was beautifully designed by a God who so deeply loves us and knows us. His goal was not to keep us from having "fun", but encourage us in truth, build relationships with substance, and know each other purely and deeply. Although at the time I was fine with being honest with them because I quickly learned that what I talked to Derek about should be things I wouldn’t be embarrassed to share with this family. But boundaries? Really?

My thoughts were, "Umm, excuse me, but I'm a grown woman (I was 19 at the time). Don't tell me I can't be alone in the car, late at night, with the man that I want to marry. Don't tell me it's not a good idea to go off by myself with him whenever I want and do whatever I want to. And don't tell me that talking to him after 11 pm on my cell phone will most likely lead to immodest discussions. Come on! I'm a Christian. I got this."

I eventually told them off all together and cut ties so I didn't have to obey their rules. Not too long after that, I entered into sexual sin with Derek. We were good at first and even set agreed defined boundary lines between us, but in the heat of the moment, there was no stopping us. I seriously thought I was in control. But we wanted to fulfill our desires more than we wanted to honor God by trusting leadership's experienced wisdom and wait to indulged until we were in covenant. We added so much unnecessary heartache to our relationship that could have been avoided by obedience and trust.

Having someone, that has a marriage that you wouldn't mind mirroring, walk with you openly and honestly through dating is incredibly loving and very wise. They will be able to discern abusive behavior, unreasonable expectations, and sin. There is so much beauty in biblical boundaries. I urge you! If you are in a relationship, be in community.

I mean, come on! We are talking about obeying the Creator of everything, including sex. You don't think he would know how things work best? I don't know about you, but I don't just want great sex in my marriage, I want a meaningful, intensional relationship.

Thankfully, God's grace has kept us and has healed us where sin had harmed us. Your situations isn't any different. Ask him to do the same.

Why I Had to Stop Dating... Reason # 1

2014-03-26T09:13:00.002-07:00

Dating.

What an exciting, yet super scary word!

It's not every day you get the chance to slip away to a cafe, restaurant, or bowling alley to exchange conversation and flirting gestures with a, hopefully, good looking someone who has found themselves in the same Facebook status as you. Hopefully.

Our hands sweat, but our hearts race at the thought that we may be sitting in front of the one we will share our last moments on earth with. What a romantic endeavor.

There are so many things that play into having a good and healthy relationship. Sometimes our actions and expectations are normally ruled and driven by what we think we are entitled to while in the relationship, why we think we need one, and when we think we should have one. Alot of how I felt about relationships mirrored those that were around me. Whether they be kind, giving, abusive, manipulative, or lonely relationships, I took close notes and observed what produced the results I desired and then did it. Can you see the poison?

This brings me to why I had to stop dating (yes, before I met Derek). Getting to know Jesus more, my heart began to change about relationships. I began to want to date for marriage and stop jumping from this person and that, looking for what culture says was a "good time." I began to realize, I couldn’t find what I was really looking for by using the same hunting tactics as I had before.

Over the rest of the week I will be sharing four comments [tactics] I made [and used] that eventually encouraged me to stop dating. Seeing this in me I saw what I was doing to myself and others, and desired to learn how to date well for one last time, by God's grace.

"What have you done for me lately?" - Narcissism

I loved being on my throne. My feelings and I determined the standard that was to be met by my significant other. Which, if we are being honest, were mostly unhealthy, selfish, and sometimes even unreasonable expectations. Now say they didn't do or give what I expected. I would then make them know it and pay for it by sour remarks and a very "high and mighty" demeanor. I would withhold and manipulate them until I got exactly what I wanted, or I would just leave them high and dry. This is such an unhealthy attitude to have period. Now you want to add another person into the equation and this is a sure recipe for a quick and devastating disaster. The other person is now the subject of your unsatisfied wrath. What kind of love is one that the other person must walk on egg shells and heel or kneel where you demand? That's called having a slave, not a "boyfriend." Your love for them is based on their performance, which is dangerous and unloving. Talk about some serious pressure. And for me, this attitude disqualified me from dating well. I needed to repent and ask for guidance on how to love the other person better than I loved myself. Which, as you can tell, was a lot!

Narcissists do not date well nor are they pleasant spouses.

Food for thought:

Is your world all about you? I'm not talking about having standards that are wise and biblical that should not be compromised in hopes of having a relationship. I'm talking about the self-seeking and self-indulging motivations that tend to become more evident while dating. If this person you are involved with doesn't come when you call, are they a goner? If they don't compliment you, stroke your ego, or notice your new hair cut, do you get angry and make them pay for it? Let's step off of the throne, and allow God to reign in our hearts and let Jesus be our identity, no longer allowing yourself or your significant other to worship you. You can love someone well without worshiping them. You can be loved well and not be worshiped. Remember, we are no longer our own. We can no longer lean on our own understanding, and try to manipulate to get what we want, because in the end it won't really be what we wanted after all.

Way Back Wednesday: Sailing to Seattle - Final Week

2014-03-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

On April 30, 2013, we turned in our apartment keys and began to head to Conroe for our last Chick-fil-a sandwich with Derek's parents and sister. We had a 5' x 8' U-Haul cargo trailer hitched onto our 2004 Honda Civic. If you know anything about cars, you're probably making a funky face right about now and wondering why our 4 cylinder sedan is towing a trailer. Well, because the U-Haul rental store in Katy, TX said I could...

We didn't even make it to Fort Worth, and our car, which just had a full tune up, brand new tires, and was completely ready to drive across country, began to overheat and could barely get over small bridges without getting into the high numbers of RPMs. It was getting dark and and we were still 5 hours to Amarillo, which was our first hotel reservation.

We called a local U-Haul store which was 25 minutes away, and they closed in 15 minutes and refused to stay open for us and told us to just call roadside assistance if we broke down...

We needed to do something, and we needed to do it now. We didn't have enough money to stop there and we didn't want to turn back, but we knew, with this load, our car would not make it through the rocky mountains. So, we prayed.

We googled a Goodwill on our phone and found one right around the corner from where we were. We pulled into the parking lot and looked each other.

Me: "Is this what we are supposed to do?"
Derek: "I believe so."
Me: "Me too."

We both smiled and began to go through every box we had. We put in my keyboard and Derek's golf clubs in our car first then stuffed that car FULL of everything we could! Anything else that wouldn't fit, we donated right there. We did ship 3 boxes of pictures, and breakable frames and keepsakes, but everything else went away. We weren't joyful about this, but we did have peace so we stepped out in faith.

The next morning we dropped off the empty trailer and Sweet Ol' U-Haul charged us for our horrible drive from Katy to Amarillo. I called and complained with U-Haul. I even requested the copies of the recorded conversations where three different personnel said I should have never been sold the hitch and the trailer, but they just so happen to never send them to me, now they cannot be found. Merry-Go-Rounds aren't that fun, so I jumped off of this one. We believe'd we were being obedient and God will honor that. "Don't contaminate yourselves with plunder." Isaiah 52:11 (MSG)

Needless to say, I will strap my stuff to donkeys before I use U-Haul again though.

We are confident in God's provision. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3a). Now, that may look way different then we or others may expect, but we can trust in Him. He's a good Dad that loves us deeply.

We kept going. We ended up being so grateful we dropped the trailer when we did, because we drove right into a crazy blizzard while driving through the Rocky Mountains and had a hard enough time in that small car. God sees the whole picture. And I'm so grateful.

We pulled into Seattle, May 4th. We were greeted by the Winston's so warmly and we immediately jumped into community. We went to a Cinco de Mayo party the next day, and church Sunday. They even through a meet and greet party that night. Monday was prayer, which was awesome! Heard our pastor pray out loud and was like, "Yep! We are in the right place! That man loves Jesus!"

It was so neat. People were expecting us. They already knew our names, had been praying for us, and were so excited for us to be there. :)

As we met new people, Derek mentioned he didn't have a job yet. The owner of a local Segway tour company offered him an interview and actually offered him the job. That's right! Two days after arriving in Seattle, Derek, my Texan husband, got an awesome job as a Seattle Segway tour guide. He was really good at it too. God's grace is hilarious!

Derek is also an excellent, experienced poet and really enjoys writing music. He applied to be an intern at our church and was placed in the production team. He has learned so much, and has gotten clarity on what he wants to do professionally. Also through the internship, we were offer housing for 12 months with an incredible family.

The Plaschs love and encourage intensional community and discourages checking in and out of the church on Sundays but to be the church throughout the week by loving people. They have two beautiful babies, and they have gladly and graciously opened their home and lives to us. They have seriously become like family. We have been able to see and experience what raising your children according to the gospel looks like. Which is seriously revolutionary and has been began to prepare us for one day when we have little Maffetts. :)

Oh, remember all of our stuff we donated. Yeah, that would have been in a storage unit which was estimated to cost about $109.45 per month. We would have had to store our stuff for about 16 months equaling about $1751.20. Which was just about the cost of all of that stuff anyways. Jesus knows everything. Seriously.

In 47 days, we will have been in Seattle for one year and so much has happened since we first landed which I look forward to sharing as my blog continues. There has been many glorious sights, lots tears, tons of laughs, and a bunch of memories made through this whole process. I am so grateful for God's grace through it all and look forward to all he has in store for us.

I want to encourage you to note what is going on in your life. No matter how small or deep the events or experiences around you may be, take time to write what is going on. Write about the things that weigh on your heart, and what you believe the Lord is doing through you. I'm not telling you to start a blog, but I am telling you to build pillars to remind yourself of God's goodness. See the progression in what he has done in you. In the moment, it may not be evident, but overtime a transformed heart can't help but sing of God's incredible power, might, and love. God is not dead, and He greatly loves you and is highly active in your life. Tell someone about it.

Guest Post: Tomato Glazed Meatballs With Brown Butter Mashed Potatoes

2014-03-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

This week I am so very excited to again be featuring my blogging pal and good friend Erica. Erica runs her own wedding + event design and production house. She shares recipes, DIY’s and beautiful photos of her events. Check out her blog if you already haven’t!

Hello again, I'm Erica from Paper Hearts + Co. (www.paperheartsncoblog.com)!

Thank again, Courtney! today I will be sharing another one of my favorite recipes from one of my favorite bloggers.

So I am seriously obsessed with the Smitten Kitchen. It is one of my very favorite cooking blogs. The Husband bought me her new cookbook for christmas. Not that he could forget because I hinted about it nearly once a day the entire month of December. So over the last few months I have put the recipes to test. Surprise, surprise, everything I have made so far has been delicious.

The first recipe on the docket was her tomato-glazed meat loaves with brown butter mashed potatoes. I paired them with garlic sauteed asparagus and green beans. Now if you are hesitant don't be, my house is a strictly a no "MEATLOAF" house. I am not a big fan and the Husband hates it! However, I was a bit tricky when I made these I called them meatballs on the weekly menu. Yes I know that they are almost the same thing. However my experience with meatloaves has been huge chunks of soggy bread with large undercooked veggies yuck! These however are really great, REALLY! The recipes calls for many of the normal ingredients found in meatloaves but it is how it is all prepared and put together that makes all the difference. So meatloaf haters unite and give these a try!

I did make a few adjustments and I have included them in the recipe:

Glaze:
4 tsp. canola oil
1/3 cup. tomato paste
2 Tbsp. cider vinegar
4 Tbsp. honey
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. spicy brown mustard
1/4 tsp salt
4 Tbsp. brown sugar

Combine glaze ingredients in a small saucepan, and simmer, whisking constantly, for 2 minutes. Set aside. I usually make a double batch because we like lots of sauce!

Meat Loaves:
2 slices of sandwich bread
1 medium onion, finely chopped,
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 medium stalk celery, chopped finely
1 medium carrot, finely chopped
Olive oil, for cooking
2 lbs. ground beef
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 teaspoon spicy brown mustard
2 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
Sea salt and freshly ground pepper for vegetables

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Tear the bread into chunks and then blend it, in a food processor, into breadcrumbs. or if you don't have a food processor store bought ones are fine just use 1 cup. Place breadcrumbs in a lard bowl. Add the vegetables to processor and finely chop or do it by hand.

Heat a large skillet over medium heat. Once the skillet is hot, coat the bottom with olive oil; add the finely chopped vegetables. Season with salt and pepper, and cook, stirring frequently, until they begin to brown, about 10 minutes.

Add the vegetables to the large bowl with breadcrumbs, then add the remaining ingredients. Stir together with a for. With wet hands, form the mixture into twelve 3 inch meatballs.

Space the meatballs so that they are not touching, in a baking dish, Drizzle or bush each with a tsp. or so of the tomato glaze. Bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through.

Serve on a bed of brown butter mashed potatoes.

Brown butter mashed potatoes:
2 lbs. Yukon Gold potatoes pealed
8 Tbsp. unsalted butter or 1 stick melted and browned
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1 tsp. Sea Salt
Freshly ground black pepper

Place the potatoes in a medium saucepan, and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil over heigh heat, once it is boiling, reduce the heat to a simmer. Cook for 20-30 minutes until tender. Drain the potatoes and return them to the pan.

Brown the butter in a small saucepan, melt the butter over medium-low heat. It will melt, then foam, then turn clear golden, and then it will start to turn brown and smell nutty. Stir frequently, scraping up the bits from the bottom of the pan. Don't wait too long the time in takes to brown vs burning is the difference of about a minute.

Add browned butter, buttermilk, salt and pepper to taste and smash them with a potato smasher until smooth or put them in your stand mixer and beat them till creamy. Serve and enjoy!

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Seven

2014-03-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

*This is a pre-written blog post from April 12, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Now if you don’t personally know me, let me be the first to tell you that I can be some what of a “Drama Queen.” I dramatize a lot of things in my life some being sinful and some being quite humorous, but I would like to assure you that what I am about to tell you, is completely true. Might I warn you, this might seem like a rant, but stick with me. I have a point.

I’d like to say, I get paid a nice salary. Shoot, I HAVE A JOB! That’s really something to celebrate about and to be thankful for!

But for the past two years, honestly, this has been super hard on me. All of me. I’m talkin’ my mind, emotions, paitence, and body. Everything. I wake up everyday super early (if I want to look decent), I keep off a majority of the lights off so Derek can sleep in, and I have to leave the house by at least 6:30 a.m. to make it to the office by 8:00 a.m. I fight Houston traffic from anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half with people who are half a sleep, reading newspapers, doing make-up, and/or talking/texting on their phone, who just so happen to be mad at the world and flick me off because I’m in their way, which makes me a victim of road rage, at least, three times a month. Not to mention the sun is directly in my eyes the entire way there. So, when I finally get to work and I actually enjoy what I do. I grown in relationships with my co-workers, but they are all much older than me, and openly think I’m just a kid and have no clue of what I’m doing no matter how many times I’m proven myself, which is super demeaning. Some of them truly hate their lives and seem to enjoy taking it out on me. It’s exhausting. Slowly 5 o’clock comes, and everyone on the road is rushing home, the sun is once again frying my retinas, and I’m falling asleep at the wheel. The stress and anxiety from it all has given me a pinched nerve in the back of my neck and I tend to block out my whole day to the point that I don’t even remember how I got home.

I can’t live like this. I don’t want to do this for the next 10 years of my life better yet, another year. And I started to resent Derek for it because I felt he wasn’t doing anything to change the fact that I had to stay employed there, or we wouldn’t make it financially. (This is all my assumptions, of course.) I would come home crying from exhaustion, yelling because this sucked, and hurts. And I wanted it to stop, now.

When Derek called me and told me what the Lord placed in his heart, he sounded excited and happy! My mind tried to take it all in… wait, Derek says he wants to move to Seattle and grow our family… while serving as members of Mars Hill…? Wait, is this Derek? “Yes, Babe! We are moving to Seattle.”

Well, how’s that going to work? Calm down, Courtney, just breathe. Let Derek lead you and let him be led by the Holy Spirit. Because if you try and make anything happen and Derek follows you and not the Lord, all the blame is coming back on you when it all falls apart. Moving across the country has to be God, if not this is gunna be hell.

We found out our friend from Texas Bible Institute, Pancho, was actually interning at Mars Hill at that time. So Derek called him to pick his brain, and ask him some practical questions about Seattle and the ministry. Derek said he sounded way different from the Pancho we remembered for TBI. His spoke of God's grace and the glory of God, and how the Lord had changed him from thinking the gospel was all about him to being truly all about Jesus. THANK YOU! (Good fruit of the Ministry!) He also said that he was staying with a host family during his internship, and how they saw it as their ministry to open their home to young people, AND a married couple, who had being staying there, just moved out. Pancho offered to ask them if we could use the room when we got to Seattle. Derek was shocked and quickly said “YES!”

We prayed. What an opportunity. This would be a great confirmation and an open door.

Pancho called Derek and said the Winston’s would love to have us! WHAT?! These people don’t even know us, and they are willing to take a young married couple from Texas in. Thank you, Jesus.
It was January/February and our lease on our overly expensive apartment was up by the end of April. Derek had just gotten braces and was summoned to a 6-10 month sentence. But now that we knew where we were going and we had a place to stay, “What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!” I said. Looking for an escape rather than looking for God’s will.

"Just leave, but leave clean!" That sentence became an annoying reminder of how this wasn't going to be about me.

I was so done working for this company, I was grateful but so done. I just wanted to move!!!!! (Now I was being dramatic.)

I even devised plans against Derek, thinking if I got a crappy, easy, minimum wage job in Seattle, I would get to have an easy life and be the one coming home early, and Derek would have to get a better paying job and work harder than me, because that would make him “the leader.” (Through this whole experience, I see just how deceived I was on marrital roles and have come to find the depravitiy of my heart. There is nothing good in me truly, but Jesus. My hope.)

HOW EVIL! What kind of team is one against itself? I had to come clean with Derek and repent to him and God. I don't want that attitude to be forgotten and overlooked because it will dig itself super deep in my heart, sprout more roots, and eventually rear it's ugly head back up and ain't no body got time for that.

He forgave me. We took time to be honest and we got to work through some deep hearted issues that we both were just living with rather than actually dealing with. Through that process, we grew closer. But I still wanted to just pick up and go and the Lord plastered what He said on my mind.

“Just leave, but leave clean.” But I don’t want to… I wanna leave now… Sin.

I tried to pursuade Derek, but he knew we weren’t supposed to break our lease, drop our jobs and just walk away. How is that leaving clean? We made promises and obligations. Were we being obedient by breaking them? Of course not.

Okay Courtney, time to put your big boy pants on, repent of your pride, and keep trusting. Be obedient. Plus I knew, I knew! that was what the Lord wanted us to do, but I let my circumstance be louder than my Lord.

We needed a plan. Derek spoke with Doc (the dentist) and she told him that if his teeth are obedient and move that there was a high chance he could get his braces off by April! WHAT?! Thank you Jesus.

We also knew, if we both got part-time jobs, we would be able to move comfortably, have a savings, and pay off our medical debt. Derek was reluctant on me getting a second job because it didn’t seem like I could handle the one I already had. But I was persistant and wanted to help, so after three weeks of interviews (?!?!) I got a part time job at Panera Bread, one of my favorite cafes. Sadly, they weren’t offering much money or hours, which now I can see was the Lord. I would be fully cooked if I had the 30-35 hours extra hours of work a week, but the little I have made helped. Thank you Jesus.

Derek got a part-time job with Mission Burrito and he seemed to really like it. But he works hard, really hard. He would leaves home between 8-9 am for his first job and get home between 2-4 pm to then go to his next job between 4-6 pm and didn't get home til 11-11:30 pm. That’s a lot! But I’ve never heard him complain once. My hero.

We called and talked with the Winston’s, our host home. They asked us about ourselves, gave their expectations from us, and prayed with us on the phone! These people are amazing! They pray! This really gave us peace. We have a direction and we have some clarity.

I starting applying online for jobs in Seattle that I thought I qualified for. I got a call at the end of March to do a phone interview with Princess Cruise doing Accounting. I was honest that we were not going to be there till May 5th, and I found out their new program didn't start till May 15th. I got the job. Two months out on a phone interview... Yep. Thank you, Jesus. Couldn't be more clear. :)
I can drive in the sun for a couple more months with this on the horizon. I can wake up early, I can do the job I'm currently with well, because I know it’s “You’re not running from anybody! God leading you out of here…" God was doing something, something big. And we get to be a part of it.

Thank you for reading my blog! This has been fun to reminisce the Lord’s work in our lives. We want to remind ourselves of God’s goodness and Fatherly love towards us, because too often we forget and act out on our forgetfulness. Check out next week for the follow up post of what's been happening since we Sailed to Seattle.

Worship - How Deep the Father's Love

2014-03-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite worship songs, which we (The Loyal Strangers) got to do this weekend. I was honor with getting the chance to sing lead. The lyrics to this song is so powerful. Worship with us.

Click Link Below!!!

https://soundcloud.com/courtney-maffett/how-deep-the-fathers-love

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds

Lyrics and Music by Stuart Townend
Arrangement by The Dispatch/The Loyal Strangers
www.marshill.com/music

Feel free to share or comment!

Way Back Wednesday - Sailing to Seattle - Week Six

2014-03-04T22:00:00.000-08:00

*This is a pre-written blog post by my husband, Derek from April 9, 2013 to look back on why we left Texas to live in Seattle.*

Seattle... Mars Hill.. hmmm...

So, I’ve decided there were 3 main reasons I did not want to give Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill a chance…

My wife seemed to be “in love” with him! Lol. She really admired him and his wife and his teaching and talked about them all the time. So, of course, I got a little jealous.

I honestly thought that “Calvinism” was a denomination and in the genius, pride of my mind, I rejected it without any further investigation. (Check out Calvinism & Arminianism. Using resourses like the Resurgence really helped me practically and theologically.)

The little that I heard from Mark Driscoll was yelling at men… And being immature and irresponsible myself, I’d get offended and why would I need anyone else to yell at me besides my wife?! Lol I love my wife.

I do however prefer Bible teachers and preachers to preach and teach the Bible! Convicting or controversial as it may be at times!

There were tons of podcasts on our laptop of Mars Hill, so little by little I would listen occasionally as the Holy Spirit led and I finally decided that at the very least, this man can preach The Word of God without compromising or watering it down.

I like him.

Would I serve or support Mars Hill ministry? Probably not. (Remember, I still haven't researched the ministry and their beliefs, only watched podcasts.)

So we still have a BIG issue!!!

Where are we going!!!??? I'm the leader, I don't do all of the decision making, but all of the responsiblity of these decision are on me. During this time, I was VERY cautious of who we counseled with. We know how important a multitude of counselors is. We also know how dangerous counsel can be when woven with sinful or ignorant motives, which can canse confusion, doubt, and fear between Courtney and I. Honestly, it seemed as if most people we talked with were saying to stay, "You're young," "Take your time," "Whatever you want to do somewhere else, you can do here." No one had given us any alternative route, scripture, etc, it was only - "don't go".
BUT
God said “out of here! Leave!” … Soo...
Again..where?… How do I decide, and be sure? ...Now, hold that thought..

“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”

My immediate reaction to this is I listen to worship music all day, every day. Check!

Although that wasn’t entirely accurate, listening to worship music did help.

Anyways, so what does that mean? How do I do that?

I started reading in Ecclesiastes, and I looked to see if Pastor Mark Driscoll taught anything on it. I learned through that and the series on Doctrine a sermon called “Worship” that I was not created TO worship.. I am created worshipping. And unfortunately I was worshipping the wrong one most of the time. My life is constantly giving glory and praise, to either God or something or someone else… Most of the time, it’s been myself.

This revelation of worship completely changes the way a Christian in America lives… No longer defined by culturally accepted Christianity and traditional religion.

Do all things out of praise and thanksgiving to Jesus!

That’s it… NOT ONLY… Talk about Jesus, give to and serve people, go to Church, pray, read, & sing because “that’s how you be a Christian.”

NO!!!
Jesus saved you and made you alive!!! And you did nothing to deserve it! Now if you truly believe that, how would you respond to that? … aka – the Christian life.

Enjoy and appreciate creation: people, places, things.
But Worship and give all the glory to Creator of everything: God.
SO LIBERATING!!!!

Now.. back to the pending question… How do I make this decision or any decision for that matter?
(Insert one of the top 10 quoted and misunderstood scriptures) – “delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” NOT you get whatever you ask or want! If God gave us everything we wanted, He would be a terrible God and Father with many rotten children because we rarely know what we want and what's good for us. He does. He withholds no good thing from us.

Delight: find satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ and He will transform your desires into His desires or he gives you the “desires” of your heart …. Have you made the connection yet?!!!
“Purify yourselves in the process of worship”!!!!! This is the key to making a BIG decision!!!! Naturally, my heart is deceitfully wicked, but Jesus has given me a new heart and continually changes my desires to His desires as I submit to the Holy Spirit.

ONE SIDE NOTE: There are many factors to making wise, Godly decisions, such as discerning things through the bible, research, counsel, prayer, and many others. HOWEVER, the reason why I'm stressing worship and motive of the heart is because of what Courtney and I have been through, which is so much heartache, sorrow, betrayal, bitterness, and faith-crushing experiences, that the position of our hearts, and motive, was the most crucial element to this decision. We knew ultimately, God would have His will despite us.

At this point, I had finally begun researching all of our options in depth, Courtney and I had been praying and reading the Bible, living life, going to work, thanking God for all the grace and mercy He had lavished upon us in our time of weakness, and how much he saved us from our ignorance…

And then one day at work, while cleaning a pool…

Considering the 2 to 3 options on the table, thinkin about it all…

“I would love to serve, grow, and build a family and life at Mars Hill in Seattle for however long God would have us there!” …. I swear it’s like that thought just crawled down into the bottom of my stomach and just settled there and it said “I ain’t goin no where!”

I gotta call Courtney! … I know.
… Really, ya think ? … Yea! I KNOW.
So I called Courtney.

-Derek

Sweet & Simple Head Wrap Tutorial

2014-03-02T19:28:00.001-08:00

I have crazy hair! Seriously!

If I don't have heat or product in my hair, I look like the cast of Lion King.

This morning, since I went to be with my hair wet, I woke up to pure chaos and need a quick and cute fix for Church.

And this is what I did.

Super simple, and super darling. Try it out and share!