Mark is the author of several books including, Family Based Youth Ministry (1993, revised and expanded in 2004), one of the very first books articulating a vision and strategy of student ministry involving the entire family. part-time basis. He’s a speaker and mentor to countless student and children ministry leaders. He speaks at conferences and parent seminars all over the world including Little Rock Church three times, most recently in 2010, presenting a seminar called Understanding Your Teenager.

CHAD:

In the book Sticky Faith, the authors observe 6 commonalities among collegiate juniors who seem to have a growing faith. These include 1)a broad, deeper understanding of the Gospel as trusting Jesus in every aspect of their lives; 2) understanding who they are; 3) having had consistent spiritual conversations in their homes;4)  having been connected intergenerationally beyond student ministry experiences;5)  having a deeper sense of mission and a heart for justice; 6) having parents who were active in helping them transition out of the home.

If you could single out one of these, which of these would you want to instill in parents?

MARK:

The one that I pick is actually two (sorry for being a cheater right here on the first question!).  What we’re seeing over and over again is that parents tend to “get what they are” in terms of the long term faith formation of their children.  In other words, the best way for me to instill a “broad, deep understanding of the Gospel” in my kids is for me to have a broad, deep understanding of the gospel for myself.  More than any technique we might try or any information we might try to instill, nothing quite impacts our kids like the undefinable vibrancy-quotient of our own faith.  So the first priority I would want to instill in parents is a deliberateness about growing in their own love for God…nothing will quite effect our kids to the core like this one.

But secondly, I believe parents, especially parents of teenagers, have a gold mine right in front of them that very few tap into–the extended family of the church.  As our kids were growing up, among our many, many failures as parents, the one thing we were able to do “right” was to surround our kids with lots of godly adults.  We had other families over for dinner, we vacationed with godly friends, we invited specific adults to plug into our kids lives, and our kids were a part of a vibrant youth program filled with adults whose faith we wanted our kids to imitate.  ”Stacking the stands” for our kids in this way has immense potential to for sticky faith in our kids even when many other desired qualities are missing.

CHAD:

Share your vision of what a healthy partnership between a student ministry and parents would look like that works together building a sticky faith in our children.

MARK:

In the kind of healthy partnership you have described, I don’t envision a herd of perfect parents all having family devotions every week.  I envision a ministry with a magnetic flow that draws in parents of all kinds…parents with no faith at all to parents who should be candidates for sainthood.  I envision a ministry in which every parent, at whatever faith stage, is invested in the ministry in some way, even if it’s just bringing a dozen cookies once a year.  In this kind of ministry, parents are well informed about what’s going on in this youth ministry, not simply because the youth pastor sends out lots of communications but because those parents are so well connected to each other that they hear virally what they don’t have time to read in the official church publications.

Though this is the ideal, it simply does not happen naturally.   Structures need to be put into place for parents to “find their place” in the ministry.  If we are going to avoid the volunteer work in the ministry to be covered by a few exhausted parents, we’ll need to create systems to continually invite parent partnership…as small group leaders, prayer team members, food coordinators, trip leaders, communication mavens, transportation czars, etc.  I also envision lots of opportunities for parents to grow together–whether Sunday School classes or small groups or teams focuses on a mission together.  I am convinced that God never intended for us parents to do this alone.  We need each other.

CHAD:

What are some practical ways parents can encourage a web of relationships for their children?

MARK:

I start by actually “mapping” who the godly adults are in my kids lives, using the image of the arena of the Great Cloud of Witnesses from Hebrews 12.  Which adults are close to the front cheering?  Which are distantly related (maybe you even put someone like CS Lewis in the nosebleed section of the stands, if your son or daughter has read Chronicles of Narnia or Screwtape Letters).  Once we identify who those adults are, our first step is to take time to thank them for the role they are playing in our kids’ lives.

Next, we simply think deliberately about who else we’d like to have in their lives.  And we work to invite that person into our family in some way…maybe a meal, maybe a short trip together.  Sometimes we may want to be as direct as saying, “My son really needs someone like you in his life.  Do you think you might have time to spend a little time with him this year?”  At times, when parents have come to me asking advice after their children have gotten in trouble, I often advise that instead of taking away the cell phone or the car keys, they require their son or daughter as a consequence to meet with 5 adults and ask their advice about recovering from the trouble they have gotten in.  We’ve seen very cool relationships come out of these “punishments.”

Finally, we teach our kids about the powerful impact of knowing folks outside their generation, and we encourage them to make a life habit of building intergenerational relationships.

CHAD:

What advice would you give to parents of seniors?

MARK:

Most parents continue to parent their seniors the same way they did when they were juniors.  It is during this year, though, that it makes the most sense to negotiate freedoms until, by the time the son or daughter leaves for college or into young adulthood, the parents has given all the freedoms that child will have in college.

If our sons and daughters can’t handle the freedom acceptably when they are living in our house, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to borrow a lot of money in student loans for them to not handle their freedom responsibly when they are out of our house!  But there’s not much way of knowing how they will handle freedom unless we give it to them.

I’m suggesting that in their sons and daughters junior year, parents negotiate a timeframe for the gradual increase of freedom until graduation, making sure the freedom is always linked to responsibility.  We can say something like, “We want you to have complete freedom to make your own decisions as soon as possible into your senior year.  In order for us to give you that kind of freedom, here are the things we’ll be wanting to see in you:….”  We’ll want to make sure that our expectations are specific.  For example, saying, “We expect you to communicate with us when you find out you are going to be out after midnight for any reason” rather than “Don’t keep us guessing about when you’ll be coming home at night.”

And pray.

(This is the third post in a series based on the book, Sticky Faith. This week’s post is written by Jeannie Cagle. Mike and Jeannie served Little Rock Church 2008-2010. Mike was the Associate Minister. Jeannie led the women’s ministry. They have raised three children and are proud grandparents. They live in Nasvville, TN.)

We vividly recall the long car ride as we took each of our three children to college. It’s an overwhelming feeling to realize they are no longer a part of your day in and day out life where you can see what they are doing and know where they are going. And you also realize that delivering another lecture probably won’t make a difference at this point. Even as we were driving along, the thoughts kept creeping in: did we tell them enough not to take drugs? To remain pure?  To be kind to old people?  To brush and floss every night?

We’ve often referred to this transition as bittersweet:  while we grieved when each of our children left the nest, we also rejoiced that they were ready to make their own way. Isn’t this what we raised them to do – to branch out and chart their own course?  Perhaps part of the parental panic comes from the realization that in this new phase of life, our children can make decisions that can have lifetime consequences, both good and bad.  Even so, whether they are moving just a few miles away or across the country, it’s time for them to go – to leave our nest.

In our opinion, the most precious gift you can give your graduating children is the affirmation that you believe in them, love them no matter what and are confident in the future God has planned for them.  They need to believe you are their biggest fan and that you have no doubt that they will make good decisions.  They need to hear that you are praying for them every day to love the Lord with all their heart, soul and mind. Their faith must become their own now or it won’t sustain them.

We could feel our role begin to transition from manager to consultant.  We wanted to keep the communication lines open so we could provide input for spiritual direction, but only as they asked for it.  Truth is we had to bite our tongues to keep from asking those interrogation questions that would well up within us: are you going to church on Sundays or sleeping in? Are you choosing friends that draw you closer to God?  What did you really do this past Friday night?   Instead we tried to ask questions that were more positive and open ended: How was your weekend?  Tell me about your new friends.  How can I pray for you this week?   Notice the phrase “tried to ask these questions”: Will you handle each conversation perfectly? Probably not, we sure didn’t. But view these lapses as a chance to ask for forgiveness and get back on track.

The truth is this: what our children will grow up to be is far more determined by God’s grace than our imperfect parenting. None of us will ever parent perfectly, our children will make their own choices, and God will amazingly use it all to advance his kingdom. Hallelujah!

In the beginning, before sin entered the world, Adam and Eve walked together easily with God.  They could see their value reflected in God’s eyes and hear His words of Love for them.  After sin entered the picture and we all were banished from God’s presence, man forgot who he is:  a beloved creation created to live in relationship with his Father God.  Since then it seems that we have looked to each other to answer the basic human question “Who am I?”  So now we tell each other, “You are how you look.”  Or “You are how you perform.”  Or “You are what you own.”  “You are what you wear.”  “You are who your friends are.”  Or “You are what others say about you.”

Regardless of how we as parents know that our children are special, they will feel themselves measured against this same warped yardstick, just as we feel it.  And they will believe the lies.  As parents we have to speak louder than the world and in a way that our kids will accept so that they can see their true value.  This is made more difficult because sometimes we too buy into the world’s value system.

As parents we admit we are far far from perfect in communicating this to our girls.  The worst part of writing about this is looking at the ways we have missed the mark, but we must remember that we are loved by the Lord anyway.  Each day is full of new opportunities we can take to invest in our children.  We would like to share some ways we have attempted to help our girls see the true identity God purposed for them.

First of all, we have attempted to really know our girls.  Each of them are unique and -surprisingly  enough- not blank slates.  They came to us with wonderful specialties and “quirks”.  We have tried to give them room to be themselves, listen to them, and really see them for who they are.  We have tried to choose our words carefully and avoid labeling or “pigeon holing” them.

We have tried to encourage our girls in activities they chose.   Over the years we have cheered them on in violin, softball, soccer, piano, band, track, volleyball, and swim.  It was best for our family, we learned, to limit their activities to 1, or at most 2, a year.  Too many activities made us harried and stressed edging out the most important parts of family life.  We tried to encourage their hard work, character, conduct and attitude toward their teammates and coaches more than their achievement on the “field”.

Another thing we have strived to do is allow each girl time to “hear her own voice” by not only limiting the amount of busyness of extracurriculars, but additionally by limiting the amount of time given to media.  Since the world’s value system is not our value system, we try to put reasonable limits on access to internet, television, and even magazines full of glossy ads on airbrushed “perfection”.  Although it is tempting to dig a moat around the yard to keep everything out, it probably isn’t very effective. So we have settled on striving for watchful awareness of what and how much our girls see.

Time spent with each child individually is priceless so we have tried to make that happen often.  Time spent with both parents or one on one is critical.  This time allows parents to really focus on the uniqueness of that child and hear what she needs to say.  Take advantage of bedtime, chore time, drive time, whatever time.  Turn off the radio.  Ask questions.  And really listen.  Encourage time with grandparents or trusted family and friends, but we believe you can’t be too cautious and guarded about who you allow access to your kids.  Not everyone has good intentions toward your child.

Above all, though, we cannot give our children something we don’t have.  We need to accept God’s view of our identity and value in His eyes and reject the world’s values.  It is our natural tendency to judge ourselves, each other, and our children by the world’s yardstick of beauty, achievement, wealth, or status, but our kids will learn to use the same yardstick we use.  Only if we see ourselves clearly, will we see each other and our kids clearly.  We must learn to look at the heart to see what really matters.

Our children will create a self identity based on all their life experiences.  The way they see themselves will shape the choices they make in their life.  As parents we are challenged to help them see themselves as God sees them.  We must take advantage of the brief time we have with our children to build into them a clear picture of who they are to us and to the Lord.

This morning we talked about nurturing faith in young people emphasizing the following points:

• Parents have the most time and opportunity for faith formation in young people. Therefore, what happens in children and student ministries should be in partnership with what happens outside of those times. This is called thinking orange.
• The story of God is too big to tell in specific, weekly times. It’s best told throughout our daily routines. As parents, we should look for opportunities regularly to tell God’s story and connect our children’s lives with that story. As Angela said, we look for ways to “drop God’s truth” into their lives.
• It takes an entire faith community sharing the responsibility to nurture faith in our children. Grandparents, coaches, teachers, friends, all working together to share God’s story and mentor our children. The video above is a beautiful illustration of what is possible.

A Gospel that Sticks from Fuller Youth Institute on Vimeo.

I made a decision for Christ at the age of 10. I couldn’t tell you what the sermon was about that day. I don’t even remember the exact date. I remember feeling nervous as a slipped out of my folding chair and stepped into the aisle. Eyes focused on the floor just in front of my feet I made my way to the front of our small 50-member church. I sat down and waited for the invitation song to end (I Am Resolved or something like that was being sung). The man who did most of the preaching asked me, as if he didn’t know, why I was coming forward. I told him I wanted to be baptized. My dad came down and sat by me. At the end of the song,  I stood up with the preacher and he asked me a couple of questions; went something like this:

Preacher: “Do you believe Jesus is God’s son?”

Me: “Yes.”

Preacher: “Do you believe he died for your sins?”

Me: “Yes.”

Preacher: “Let’s pray.”

We drove 30 minutes to the Church of Christ that had a baptistry. Almost everyone from the church made the drive.  I was baptized, we dispersed to our homes for lunch. That night at church, I took communion for the first time as a baptized believer. Our church offered communion on Sunday nights for those who were unable to take it that morning. I was the only one who took it that night. The next Sunday night I led singing.

I discussed very little with my parents. They knew I was thinking about it. I don’t really remember even asking. You see, the one message I do remember hearing at camps, retreats, on Sunday morning, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights was this: sinners go to hell. The only way to be saved is to be baptized. You never know when you might die, so don’t wait. It seemed that baptism wasn’t something to be discussed. It was something you did. I was baptized because I didn’t want to go to hell.

Though I made a decision to be saved I didn’t really make a decision to follow Jesus. If you asked me whether or not I was a Christian, my answer would have been yes. But if you had observed my actions, decisions, attitudes, habits the answer would have most likely been, “no.” Very little changed in my life. It wasn’t until later in high school when I began to realize what my baptism meant. It wasn’t until college that I began discovering that the Gospel was more than Jesus dying on the cross so that I might go to heaven. His death paved the way for me to experience new life; It was then my life began to change.

In Sticky Faith, the authors observe that those students whose faith sticks through college have a broader understanding of the Gospel than it being simply about having sins forgiven and going to heaven. For those who continue to grow and mature in their faith, their response to the Gospel wasn’t merely to be righteous (do right things); it was to trust Jesus with their lives. They were growing in their trust of the one who rescued them.

It seems to me, then, an important part of our parenting includes  teaching our children the Gospel. We need to teach (and model) what it means to trust Jesus as a response to what he has done rather than what to  do/not to do. I’m discovering that responding, “because the Bible says so” isn’t the most effective way to shape faith. Instead, I’m contextualizing and inviting her to consider how someone who trusts Jesus might respond. It also affects how I discipline. The way I handle sin in my children’s lives demonstrates both the mercy and justice of God. I also try (imperfectly mind you) to model what it looks like to trust Jesus with my everyday life. I share what I learn from God’s word in my prayer times; I look for ways for us to serve together; I’ve talked with her about how I spend money and time. Those are Gospel moments. These moment are the ones I pray will lead to a Sticky Gospel — a story of God’s love so big that it becomes the way she lives.

What are some ways you’ve learned to share the Gospel with your children? 

Lent begins this week with Ash Wednesday on February 22. Don’t forget we offer an Ash Wednesday service at 7 PM.

The faith heritage I grew up in didn’t observe the liturgical calendar. In fact, I didn’t even know what a liturgical calendar was until seminary taking a course on church history. I thought it was what you cleaned from the dryer filter. Since then I’ve come to understand this tradition and appreciate it. It’s become a season of reflection, a significant journey in my spiritual life each year.

Lent is a season of reflection. It includes fasting, a commitment to daily prayer and examination, and alms giving. If you’re like me you had to look up alms giving. It’s basically finding regular ways to give to the poor.

Lent is an excellent opportunity to draw nearer to the Lord and your family. Consider participating in Lent as a family this year. Use these next 40 days to pray, fast and serve together as a family.

Below are links to several ideas and resources.

• 40 Ideas for Lent   (Rachel Held Evans) 
• Lent for Everyone reading plan (N.T. Wright available on You Version)
• The Seven Last Words (Loyola Press)
• Show Me the Way: Daily Lenten Readings (Henri Nouwen)
• Seeds for Lent

Watch for opportunities and ideas of how you can serve together as a family during this season.

What are some practices you’ve observed during Lent or resources you’ve found helpful? 

Last night was the last lesson in our series “I’d be happy if…” Last night’s lesson was finding joy in any circumstance. To end our series I want to share the story of Liam Lowe.  Liam was a 7-year-old boy who recently died of leukemia. What’s remarkable about his story is that he chose to do something with his life.  This is his story. It’s about finding purpose and joy in any circumstance.

Read his story HERE

Last Wednesday’s Refuge topic was about our attempts to find happiness in appearances or material things.  Rather than share thoughts I’m posting a link to a video. It’s produced by Dove. You may have seen this video already, but it sums up the theme of the night. I suggest watching and discussing it with your teen.

I once heard a man say he was leaving his wife because he wasn’t happy, and hadn’t been for a very long time. He rationalized that God wanted him to be happy. He concluded that the only way to achieve happiness was to end his marriage and move on.  I have a friend who is restless. He moves from one job to another, often having to relocate. His reason, every time he finds the “perfect job” he eventually becomes disenchanted with it and unhappy. He discovers another job that he believes will make him happy and pursues it. It’s a vicious cycle.

Isn’t it funny how happiness can be so elusive? Happiness means different things to different people. We might even say that everyone is looking for happiness, but where do we look? Where will we find it? What is it? Many teens are looking for happiness — in relationships, success, appearances, the right circumstances. All of these things will fail a teen at some point. We’re beginning Refuge in 2012 asking the question, “What is happiness?” What do I base it on? How can I find contentment and joy in all circumstances.

We will begin by looking at the desire to find happiness in relationships, especially with those of the opposite sex. The second week, we’ll expose the lie that happiness comes through success and accomplishments. Third, we’ll expose the lie that one must look, dress, wear the right labels, or have the right look in order to be happy. The series will conclude with a study of what it means to find happiness, joy and contentment in any situation. Our prayer is that through this series students will develop a deeper trust, and greater intimacy with the Lord that brings them to a place where they find joy and contentment in being a child of God.

Every Thursday, a lesson summary and some “Table Talk” questions will be made available on this blog for you. Take time to talk through these issues with your teen. Our prayer is that you have significant conversations about faith, culture and what it means to follow Jesus and be happy.