Little Stain

13 Signs of You Quite Possibly Being a Hipster

2015-02-01T12:48:00.000+01:00

Do you ever find yourself looking at your mirror not knowing who that person staring back at you is? In this modern world that’s controlled by mainstream media and dominated by corporations, news, as useless as it might be, is being relayed at an unprecedented rate and information is updated ever so quickly.

Between your Facebook friend’s ugly newborn’s one thousand pictures, your Twitter follower’s mitten-wearing cat, and your Instagram I don’t know what you call it’s plate of red beans, it is absolutely normal for you to have a panic attack. I mean, what trend must you follow?!

But do not be afraid! Little Stain is here to guide you! Below is a list of 13 signs of you quite possibly being a hipster:

--You don’t identify yourself as being a hipster; in fact you think hipsters are too mainstream

--You say things like “Is this Gummy Bear organic?” and “I’d rather have someone buy me a book instead of a drink” then sip your wine

--You have a self-diagnosed allergy to Gluten that you don’t fail to mention every time you get the chance in a conversation and if you don’t get the chance to do so you grab your organic iPhone and tweet about how you’re surrounded by ignorant Gluten-consuming brainwashed earthlings that can’t tell the difference between Quinoa and Couscous

--You never go shopping for clothes in shopping malls and all your sweaters were knitted by your grandmother

--You don’t eat Nutella, you eat Fair Trade Guatemalan cocoa spread

--You’re no longer content with wearing vintage, but brand eyeglasses, you now walk around with a windshield on your face

--You don’t use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning; you keep a rooster in your bedroom

--You don’t think it’s good music if it’s not classical Baroque digitally mastered by a local bathtub farmer who of course you knew before he became a band

--You only eat vegetables that weren't tested on animals

--You’re not into blockbusters; you only go to alternative “movie-screening houses” to watch foreign movies directed by people whose last names are composed of at least 7 consonants in a row that only you and your friends can pronounce because you’ve spent the last 8 weeks in front of your mirrors practicing it

--You never use brand deodorant, but instead you roll around naked every morning in the flowers you planted in your window sill garden

--You’re no longer growing a beard; the beard is now growing you

--You never use a digital camera to share the ephemeral; you take pictures with your analog LOMO - a redundancy I know – then you develop these pictures in your dark room, then scan them, and upload them to Instagram. Hashtag No Filter of course!

I'm On a Diet

2014-12-21T22:44:00.000+01:00

I don’t eat this it’s too salty
I don’t eat that it’s too sweet
I don’t eat this it has poultry
I don’t eat that it has meat

Does this contain Gluten?
Oh no can’t touch that dish
It’s wrong to eat animal feelings
And I usually don’t like fish

Vegetables get me bloated
I can’t eat too much fruit
I don’t drink a lot of water
Or I can’t button up my suit

I’m allergic to nuts
I’m allergic to skin
I threw up my guts
I tied my intestine
I don’t eat this
I don’t eat that
I don’t eat anything with fat
I don’t drink
I don’t smoke
Coz I think I’m going to choke

You know what?
If only it were Bio
I’d try to eat shit
But judging by this poem
I’m already full of it!

The Thing With Racism

2014-06-19T13:43:00.000+02:00

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all have racist thoughts, after all we all have a little racist inside us - or a big one, you know, depending on its race – and sometimes these thoughts find themselves out in the open, hanging in the form of words for everyone out there to hear.

But fear no more! For I have compiled a list of tactful excuses you can use to get yourself off the hook. So whenever you find yourself in a room that you’ve awkwardly silenced because of your extremely honest remarks on a certain group of people, you can break the silence by employing one or more of the following sentences:

-I’m not racist; I’m just a statistics aficionado

-I’m not racist; I hate people from the same race as mine as well

-I’m not racist; in fact I have never been able to enjoy the sight of a rainbow, that's how colorblind I am!

-I’m not racist; I don’t even like fast cars

-I’m not racist; I’m just highly selective

-I’m not racist; I’m not even white

-I’m not racist; I also dislike mixed people

-I’m not racist; in fact I have two monkeys at home

-I’m not racist; but I’m quite observational

And last but not least:

-I’m not racist; I treat all genetic anomalies equally!

You can thank me later

The Importance of Being Penis

2014-01-09T12:34:00.001+01:00

Most women complain how they cannot find a sensitive man that can immediately discern their mood – as if they can – and nurture their emotional need for constant hugging and answers to questions that basically don’t mean anything and are usually asked the second you lay your head on the pillow.

They also make fun of the special relationship that exists between a man and his penis and how the latter makes practically all the decisions, but what they don’t do is admit that if a man has a broken penis, you know, a limp penis that can’t even stand straight with a crotch crutch, they would dump him without even thinking twice. They never mention this, do they? Hell, the inability of a man to perform in the bedroom can eventually be held against him in the courtroom and is considered a legal basis for divorce! A penis is the only broken organ in the body that can do that; a dead brain doesn’t get you a divorce, a broken leg doesn’t either, you don’t see many women going: “Your honor, I want a divorce, he doesn’t run marathons with me and I’ve just had it with this life!”

So ladies, if you want a man that can only hug you all the time, go get yourself a gay friend, if you want a man that can poke you in your special region, stop poking at him, you don’t know how much nurturing a penis needs, he needs to hear kind words and to be caressed constantly so quit your whining and give us a hand down there!

You Deserve To Develop Genital Cancer

2013-08-06T11:49:00.000+02:00

--If you keep your sunglasses on while you’re in the underground metro

--If you think The Big Bang Theory is the greatest sitcom to have ever existed

--If you have a Mohawk haircut and you’re not a Mohawk

--If you call yourself evolved and then support the army

--If you’re a feminist. Although, that wouldn’t change much for you because, who are we kidding; nobody wants to get near your genitals anyway

--If you pay a hundred bucks for a Desigual dress and then call yourself a hippie

--If the only thing you do is pop children out of your genitals

--If you publicly state that you’re sapiosexual. PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS BRAINFUCKER!

People That Piss Me Off - Two

2013-07-25T11:23:00.001+02:00

--Taxi drivers standing on corners eyeing girls and throwing kisses and pick up lines at every occasion. Yeah because the last time I checked, while growing up, every little girl’s dream is to marry an under-evolved taxi driver…

--People who expect me to apologize for waking them up when I called. Well screw you, you don’t want to be woken up you silence your phone; that’s how the world works!

--Chinese people

--Store owners that frown at me whenever I pass by with a bag full of stuff from other stores. What? You want me to be a loyal customer? Put in a little more effort. You don’t see me getting offended when you brandish your products to other customers like a whore!

--People with “only God can judge me” stickers and tattoos. Guess what? I already judged you and found you to be a retarded moron, you can call me God now.

--People who feel the need to say what it smells like. These people are even worse than those who go “wow it’s so quiet” when it’s quiet. You know you’d be passing in an area that smells like shit and you can all smell it but they feel that it’s their obligation to be Captain Smoke Detector! and go “oh god it smells like shit, it’s horrible! Can you smell that? Can you smell that?” yes we can all smell it, it smells horrible and the last thing we need is your whining on top of it thank you very much!

--Actors in documentaries. So this is it folks huh? That’s as high as your ambition can go? Screw Hollywood, screw artsy movies, screw digging inside your fears to convey the deepest emotions in front of a camera, I’m playing a Neanderthal scratching his butt and smelling his finger afterwards in a low-budget three-hour long independent documentary…

Catch Part One of This Series Here

People That Piss Me Off - One

2013-07-01T13:46:00.000+02:00

It’s been a while since I’ve made a good rant, or a thousand, so here’s a list of people that piss the hell out of me and whose disappearance from the face of the Earth could give me a good moment of peace before I eventually run into others who are going to be equally or more irritating:

--Guys that hit on their waitress in restaurants. These idiots think that because she smiled the waitress is into them so they start making these stupid lame jokes whenever she’s around and she of course laughs because well, she can’t slap them because, one: she might get no tips and two: they might like it and show her a tip she never wanted to see!

--Strangers (and let’s face it some friends) that feel offended when they come up to me with a question and I don’t answer. Well I was sitting here quietly minding my own business and you came and interfered with the sacredness of that so you should thank your lucky stars I didn’t knock you to the ground and kicked you in the mouth you annoying asshole!

--Guys riding bikes behind other guys and are homophobic to the point that they prefer to fall off to instant death and not touch the guys in front. You'd see them trying to clutch to whatever they can hold on to except the driver's waiste. Hey dumbass, you’re already caressing his butthole with your penis so put a little love in it and wrap your arms around him!

--People who try to assign a meaning to every little detail in a piece of art, “oh did you notice how *drags on his cigarette* this straight horizontal line represents the artist’s lifelong struggle with *drags on his cigarette* illegal substance consumption and…” no, but I noticed that if this line wasn’t there the two men would have nothing to stand on and will eventually fall out of the painting so shut your yapping trap before I make you swallow your cigarette horizontally!

--People who have a story for everything. You all know them and most of you are them. You’d be telling them something in the form of a small sentence like “It’s sunny today I hope it stays like this all day” and it’s enough for them to hear just one word to make them start rambling about some irrelevant story: “Oh no, one should never lose hope, my dad always told me that, he used to always take me on long walks with him and he would tell me all these little…” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BABBLING ASSWIPE! I HOPE THERE IS A GOD SO THAT SATAN WOULD EXIST AND WHEN YOU DIE HE’D HAVE DIBS ON YOUR SOUL AND WILL BURN YOU IN AN EVERLASTING FIRE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

God Just Got Her Period

2013-04-08T13:17:00.000+02:00

Contrary to popular belief and to what everyone has been telling you all your life, God is not a man; God is a woman. Here’s the proof:

--She’s moody, extremely moody! In one book she’s vengeful, in another she’s loving, in another she’s judgmental, in another she’s fearful etcetera etcetera etcetera

--She’s always watching you and judges everything you do

--She is always right

--She never forgets anything you do

--She’s jealous, she never lets you worship other gods but her and almost all of her decision-making staff are men who wear dresses and discriminate against women

--She’s subtle and mysterious; millions of books have been written about her trying to interpret her words and still no one understands what she’s all about, not even women!

--She’s insecure and keeps testing your love for her by coming up with illogical rules like “you can’t eat apples” for example

--She wants the weekend all to herself

--She wants to know what you’re thinking all the time

--She always needs money

--She always needs praise

--And finally, she never has anything to wear!

Love in the Toilet

2012-07-20T12:49:00.000+02:00

Going to pubs and drinking is a normal part of everyone’s lives, except for some people of a certain religion who feel pressured to deny that they drink when in fact we all know that they do, heavily! Peeing also is a normal part of everyone’s lives, now guys I know this is a bit hard to swallow, but women go pee pee too, OK? And sometimes they go number two!

Now another aspect that apparently has become a normal part of life is the writing on toilet walls and doors; I don’t know who started this phenomenon or how it became popular. I don’t know who’s that intellectual to carry a pen around with them even when in the toilet; they’re keeping a poop journal perhaps? “Today my crap was a little green and grainy, but it had good consistency. Smell: somewhere between six PM sewers and morning mist. Must be that broccoli I had for lunch yesterday”

Anyways, the other day I was in a pub and I had to go pee (now all that blabber makes sense) and since I have a penis I had to go use the men’s room (men and women cannot share the same toilet because of a tiny dysfunction called Aiming Your Wiener). As I was standing there contemplating the email addresses and the “Fuck You’s” and “Your dick is too small” a misplaced statement grabbed my attention; on the wall right above the tissue holder was written “I love you Isabelle”.

My first reaction was disgust; what a strange place to declare your love to someone! But then I started thinking, the poor fellah loves this girl so much that he thinks about her even when he’s taking a pee –and now in retrospect, was he just taking a pee? Was he perhaps…? No no, of course not, one cannot operate the two heads simultaneously- what if Isabelle doesn’t know? What if this was the only place this love was declared? What if she never had access to it? Or worse, what if she had access to it?! I wanted to find the guy to warn him that if she ever came running to him one day screaming “I love you too!!” and she hugged him, he’d better hope that she is happy to see him AND she has a roll of quarters in her front pocket! Because boy is he going to be confused, and I mean REALLY confused! You know like that feeling of confusion you sometimes have when you’re eating ice cream and you get a brain freeze and it hurts but you can't stop because you're enjoying this too much or when you're in the toilet taking a dump on a hot summer day and the crap drops straight in the water and it splashes and a tiny cold drop hits your asshole and you’re left thinking: “Should I feel refreshed or disgusted?”

A Closed Letter to Vegetarians

2012-07-03T22:07:00.000+02:00

Dear Vegetarians,

Vegetables grow in the soil which is partly made of decomposing carcasses, big or small, of insects and animals, big or small, and humans, white or black or yellow so in fact you're eating meat and people and bones.

Oh and since the soil is fertilized with animal dung and piss you're also shit-eaters!

But at least you're not racists...

P.S: Several steaks were consumed during the production of this letter...

Your Daily Horoscopes

2012-03-07T12:01:00.000+01:00

Here are your horoscopes for today, tomorrow, and the rest of your lives:

--Aries: Today you will refuse to admit that you made a mistake because you didn’t, everyone is wrong, you’re right

--Taurus: Today you will do whatever it takes to be the center of attention, again! These people all have ADD!

--Gemini: Out of boredom, you will convince yourself to work within a team today, but yourselves will team up against you and refuse to do it

--Cancer: Nobody understands you, whatever!!! Hug?

--Leo: Today more and more people will be fascinated by you and they cannot help but bow down to you. You are AMAZING!

--Virgo: Once again today you will be dressed to kill and your intellect will improve by a 100 just when people thought there wasn’t any more room for it!

--Libra: Today your attempts to please everyone in the whole world at once will fail…again. We still love you though. Go paint something, if you can decide what…

--Scorpio: As you are very well aware, this information cannot be disclosed in public. Hush! You sexy sexy thing

--Sagittarius: You will disagree with someone silent today because silence is not a philosophically-accepted argument and you’re simply awesome!

--Capricorn: Today you will organize your people criticism files by alphabetical order and then you will proceed to count your money

--Aquarius: You will keep thinking today that you know everything about everything. What are we saying, of course you do! Please guide us!

--Pisces: You will go out to buy a new bottle today to allow you to store all those emotions you experienced just by waking up

Do You Have a Disabled Sense of Humor?

2012-01-05T13:45:00.000+01:00

Have you ever been in one of those awkward situations where you offer to help a cripple - I don’t like to beat around the bush so I call things as they are – and they give you this fake arrogant attitude and go “I don’t need your help!!!” ?

I was taking a walk the other day when I noticed a guy in a wheelchair next to a ledge and he was obviously having some difficulty doing what he was there to do. As I came closer it became clear to me that he was trying to commit suicide and he clearly needed a push. So being the helpful person that I am I approached him and asked him if he needed any help and the conversation went like this:

-Back off asshole I don’t need your help!

-From where I’m standing you kinda look like you do

-Who do you think you are? You’re not better than me!

I clearly am better, at least from a mental point of view, but I chose not to reply because I didn’t want to get in a fight with a handicapped because there’s no winning in that one; if I kicked his ass I’d be that guy who kicked the cripple’s ass and if he kicked mine (with his hands because let’s face it if he had full use of his legs he wouldn’t be in a wheelchair) I’d be the guy whose ass got kicked by a cripple! So I just turned around and walked away…

He’s not the only one with that type of behavior, many people are like that. How messed up do you have to be to get to that kind of attitude? Is it society’s fault? Has the hidden notion of inexplicable guilt mixed with pity pushed us to bullshit them long enough till they became knee-deep in denial? “I don’t need your help”, oh yeah? Then why do you ask me to make special arrangements and force special laws for you in order to be able to function independently? You have your own parking spots, your own toilets, you get subtitles on DVD’s, special phones, beeping crossing lights, laws that force companies to have a certain percentage of its employees disabled, sign language, your own Olympics, and the list goes on and on…

If I’m not better than you then why don’t you challenge me in a triple jump competition?

Now before all you righteous whinos start petitioning against me, get one thing straight, I’m not attacking all “disabled” people. A lot of people with disabilities have always and continue to fascinate me every day. In fact, one of my earliest childhood memories was seeing on TV a man with no hands playing guitar with his toes. Look at Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, and Jeff Healey but don’t stare because they can’t look back as they are three of the greatest musicians out there and they are all blind. Do you need another example? Two words: Stephen Hawking. The man is practically just a brain and one eye because I’m not sure the other eye functions correctly. I’m sure he felt really inferior and got offended when they created a technology just for him to be able to keep throwing his genius theories at the world, didn’t he?

There are a lot of great people with disabilities and there are a lot of dickheads who “don’t need any help!” and people somehow seem to tolerate this type of behavior only because of their handicap. Well excuse me, but a dick with erectile dysfunction is still a dick!

The point I’m trying to make is this: it’s all about attitude; it’s how we perceive life’s difficulties that sets us apart from the low-lives. Attitude only counts when one is faced with a difficulty. So in order to separate the inspiring handicapped from the assholes or maybe just to mess with their heads, I would like to take this opportunity to declare that I’m running (another thing they can’t do) for President of Earth and this is my plan of action:

--No more of these fancy cute names that are actually condescending euphemisms like "hearing impaired" or "differently able" or "mentally challenged"

--Random wheelchair ramps around the world shall end with stairs or start with ones, just to keep them guessing.

--I shall force messing around with the DVD subtitles in order to make the plots illogical and incoherent.

--I shall bring back hanging as the only form of executing people and people in wheelchairs shall be forced to hang the nooses.

--I shall cut off the fingers of everyone who knows sign language. Let me see how you will understand then…

--The Special Olympics or the Paralympics or whatever politically correct douches like to call them shall be named The There’s Nothing So Special About Them In Fact They Are Pretty Boring Olympics

--Earth will be run through a communist system and all the companies shall be forced to hire no one except the disabled who shall do all the work!

--No more handrails in special toilets!

--I will keep the special parking spots but they will be sporadically distributed around the lot. If you are equally able then I expect you to equally be able to spend as much time looking for a place to park as the rest!

MY NAME IS JC AND I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE

Tips For Making The World A Better Place - Part Dos

2011-11-09T11:25:00.000+01:00

--Take care of your health; it’s the most important thing you can have. It is very important that you die healthy. Keeps those know-it-all scientists baffled.

--In order to lead a healthier life, it is very crucial that you discharge at least 2 liters of pee per day; preferably through the designated orifice…

--Instead of spending millions on training astronauts and millions on managing prisons, send the prisoners to space. Give them 2 options: either they consent and do us all some good or they die there because you are going to shoot them upwards in any case.
But what do we do with the empty prisons you ask? Easy, lock the homeless people which now include ex-astronauts there and just leave them unattended because frankly you did not really care about them before and why should you start now? At least they have a roof over their heads now and your streets are cleaner.

--In order to reduce grief and suffering, when you murder someone, murder all their loved ones as well. If your conscience tortures you, you can always put a bullet in your forehead…

--If you got crabs, cook and eat them; just don’t give them to anyone!

--Men, never ever under any circumstance wear pants with a zipper and go commando. This also applies to women with oversized clitorises…

--Instead of fighting to end sexual harassment, educate people to sexually harass in moderation; this keeps everybody happy…

--Don’t hate the gays; love the gays. By cancelling each other out, they’re doing you more good than you can imagine. Too vague? Allow me to explain: if you have 3 men and 3 women and 2 of these men are gay this leaves the remaining man with 3 women. It's like gays do not even exist! Less competition!!
And if the idea of gay sex still repulses you, just don’t imagine a smooth-chested guy down on all four while another hairy guy lubes his asshole and inserts his fully erect penis inside him. And do not by any means imagine them spooning afterwards…

As for lesbians, well, who am I kidding, everybody loves a lesbian...or two!

You've done all this and feel that you could give more? Well here are more ways!

Tips For Making The World A Better Place - Part Uno

2011-11-02T12:41:00.000+01:00

--Instead of focusing on the differences between you and other people, focus on the similarities; killing similar people can be fun too!

--In order to end obesity, stop making XL-sized clothes. I admit, this is going to be a long procedure, your eyes might have to suffer (more) throughout it, and there is the slight chance that they, by they I mean the fatsos, might actually like the freedom it brings and let themselves go even more. But no worries, come first snow, lock all these free spirits out; that should take care of the problem for you…

--Don’t just ban abortion; ban masturbation and menstrual cycles altogether. There should be no child, or the potential of one, flushed down the toilet!

--God lives in heaven, Jesus does too; all the paintings clearly suggest it so save yourselves the trouble and stop looking elsewhere.

As for Muslims, you really should think about letting someone paint your prophet’s portrait (I won’t mention his name because I have a problem with the “pbuh” thingy and I know how anal you can get about it); this way you can know where he lives too!

--Whenever you see someone walking on the road or too close to it, go out of your way in order to run them over. If they don’t die the first time, you can always put your gear on Reverse and go finish the job, but I know most of you do not have the time for this.

--In order to reduce the overall global ugliness, have the men wear the burkas instead of the women; except for really ugly women, like the ones who can be mistaken for men.

--When you park in those parking lots where you push a button at the entrance and a ticket comes out and then you have to pay at the end and insert the ticket in the machine so you can exit, don’t leave that ticket in the car, but keep it with you. This way your car won’t be stolen because, let’s face it, that car is not exiting that parking without that ticket...

Feeling too philanthropic? Continue reading the second bit

Expressions That Should Be Out - Part II

2011-09-27T10:18:00.000+02:00

Not that they're directly related, but if you missed the first part, you can check it out here.

As for the others, here are the additions to the list:

Complete idiot: Oh yeah? As opposed to what, an incomplete idiot? A half-idiot? How does that work exactly? You tilt your head to the right, you're an idiot, you tilt it to the left you're a Nobel Prize Winner?

Most original: This crap has been brought to this world by the gems of the breathtaking advertising world. “The most original people deserve the most original product.” They never run out of bullshit, do they? I keep thinking someday they will, but they don’t; and mainly because people love to be bullshitted. I don't care if you think that the meaning of the word has changed, I was not invited to any meetings nor have I approved any amendments. Original means origin which in turn means the first of its kind in existence. It’s superlative by nature and adding a superlative modifier to it creates a redundancy. How can you be more than the first? Do you know what comes before number one? Nothing! You’re Zero!

Oh My God: Or its acronym OMG which has been added to the English dictionary lately. For starters, if God exists, chances are he is not yours; you are his because he created you. I say he because it has been historically proven that God is a man and if the bible is not accurate historic evidence then I don’t know what is. Secondly, quit your whining and bitching and stop calling out his name whenever something happens. If he immigrated to another solar system, he did it for a reason; that reason is YOU!

Putting out: This expression is used for a girl who is sexually active and usually “easy” (an easy girl has the sex drive of a guy so the next time you meet a guy you can call him an “easy girl”). They say she puts out and they get usually excited about it. But I don’t know what’s all the excitement about, shouldn’t she be putting in? A penis goes in the vagina or whichever orifice of preference. That’s what they taught me in sexual education class (porn). So the idea of a girl putting a penis out of her vagina repels me…unless I’m not wearing a condom and she puts it out just in time to prevent a catastrophe.

Convenience store: I have been to hundreds of these stores in my life and I am yet to find one single convenience. No one has ever sold me convenience. Do you know how that makes me feel? Very inconvenienced! So if anything, they should really be called inconvenience stores.

Deceased: When a person dies, they say he/she deceased. Why? To cease means to stop so to decease means to stop stopping. And if there is one thing I know it’s that when one dies, one stops continuing. So deceased should really mean born. “Hey Marge, congratulations on your newly-deceased baby!”

Expressions That Should Be Out - Part I

2011-09-20T14:20:00.001+02:00

Since the first uttered word ever, humans have been bragging about how they are the only species that can speak and instantly declared themselves masters of this world. They didn’t do it before because they couldn’t pronounce it and we all know that if you want to claim the title you need to pronounce it.

But too many people abuse language, they abuse words; they combine them illogically to form irrational expressions that they think are philosophically complicated and will make them sound important. Everybody wants to sound important…and smart! There’s no room for idiots anymore.

I am here examining you and let me tell you something, you are idiots! Not you reading this right now, you’re cool and aware of my existence thus enlightened…

Here’s a list of some of these expressions that I want removed from the English language this instant!

This isn’t my day: Well, whose day is it exactly and when is your day anyways? I don’t recall ever hearing about people owning days. The best one could do is own a calendar or have a day attributed to their memory, but that usually happens after death. And no ladies, your wedding day is not your day, I know you like to think of it that way, but the odds are you are sharing it with thousands of people who are getting married on the same day. Sorry to burst your bubble…

Self-taught: You hear people saying “I’m a self-taught pianist” or “I taught myself how to speak (insert language)” etc… Look, you cannot teach yourself anything, OK? In order for one to teach, one should already know. I know this is not always the case with teachers, heck nowadays it is rarely the case, but this is the general rule. You know, you teach. Period. So how did you teach yourself? Did you already know it? If you did, then why did you need to learn it again? What are you a moron?

Middle East/Midwest: This is just nice! You don’t know where you fall on the map exactly so you decided to take everything, didn’t you? Where the hell are you, in the middle? In the East? In the West? Make up your damn minds! No wonder people who live in those areas are so fucked up…

Like taking candy from a baby: People say this about something when they want to show how easy it is. First of all, why would a baby be holding candy? Babies don’t have teeth to chew on anything and they would choke to death if they sucked on a candy. Second of all, who would want to do this to a baby? Stealing candy from babies, you should be ashamed! I hope the next time you do it the baby ejects some vomit in your face.

With a twist: I didn’t mind this when it was used only for vodka and it signaled a twist of lemon, but everyone started using it to describe themselves or their campaign or product or service. Do you know what Lemon can do if it hits someone in the eye? Or worse, if someone had a wound and lemon came in contact with it? Twists are bad. Ever heard of a twist in the ankle? How about a twist in the wrist? This is horrible; it’s a twist that rhymes! Lose the twist…

Grilled to perfection: You see this now on menus everywhere. If all the restaurants are grilling to perfection then what’s the difference between them? Why not just open the same restaurant everywhere? Besides, who are you to say if something is perfect? That’s pretty arrogant of you, isn’t it? Leave that to me, I decide these things. Why else then would you ask me how I would like my meat?

Loved this? Read the second part

Who's To Say What's Best

2011-09-05T10:07:00.000+02:00

You preach about loving

About truth, about life

Then you go on offending

Get offended, scream, and jive

You know it’s all this hypocrisy

That has pushed me away from you

You ask if I’m better, I don’t compare

But we both know that it’s true

Let me tell you one thing

If belittling me is what you seek

I’m not the one publishing books

About turning the other cheek

You say it’s human nature

Human?!
That’s not what you claimed back then

But I guess if I were a chicken

You’d probably turn into a hen

Is it too much for me to ask

For a little truthfulness?

It is too much for you of a task?

Makes you reconsider this omnipotence…

It Always Is...

2011-07-25T09:12:00.001+02:00

I’m sure that all people, except for those that are the subject of this study and those too ignorant to care, have at some point sought to find the answer to one or two or all of the following questions:

--Why were black men enslaved by the whites and treated (still are) so badly and why are Asians such hard workers?

--Why did man invent bullets and missiles that enable him to declare war and invade other countries and what was the reason behind their design in such way?

--Why did man work so hard to penetrate and dominate space with rocket ships?

--Why did man choose the method of drilling Mother Earth and ravaging it to get it to spray oil all over?

--Why did man domesticate, tame, and hasten the extinction of the most virile animals?

--Why did man invent and buy fast and expensive sports cars, loud motorcycles, and huge trucks?

--Why do countries participate in the everlasting competition of erecting the highest tower ever?

--Why are most men loud, obnoxious, and pissed off all of the time and why is it, when they are in night clubs and discos they flaunt and compete in opening the highest number of expensive champagne bottles?

The answer to all these questions and many more regarding the erratic behavior of this gender is one. In fact it is one word:

Size...

Men are insecure about the size of their penises and they cannot stop thinking about it night and day so they seek to divert the attention away from the actual organ and try to symbolize the enormity of its size with whatever they can lay their hands on. Have you ever seen or heard white rappers and white blues musicians? I mean, JEEZ!!!

But you know, I blame the women… They have known and abused this tiny piece of information since the dawn of time. They have used it to manipulate men and it has reached a point where it got out of their hands… Most women have become dissatisfied most of the time and gone seeking pleasure in the materialistic world.

So ladies, I come to you with a favor to ask.

Can you please lower your standards…again? I implore you to take a moment to think about the fate of this planet. I know that in some rare cases, size does matter, but can you please not mention it? Take care of your men; pencil dicks get offended very easily… And, if you really care about world peace as much as you claim you do in beauty pageants, do not ever; under any circumstance ask that 6-letter question that could ruin a man forever:

Is it in?

Sporadic Shorts

2011-07-15T09:52:00.000+02:00

--If you need to show that you’re independent then you really aren’t.

--Cab drivers are the enemies of walking.

--An ambulance risks the lives of hundreds to save one.

--Environmentalists die everyday.

--If an angry woman enters a room full of loud and noisy men, they will immediately go quiet and possibly leave with their tails between their legs.

--If an angry man enters a room full of loud and noisy women, they will immediately start laughing their asses off and possibly eat him up alive if he maintains that attitude.

--Humans, and most probably ants, are the only species that suffer from traffic jams.

--You can never forget to sleep.

--If you keep bragging about how extremely unique you are then squeal from joy when you meet someone who shares a similar interest then you really aren’t that unique.

--Atheists and firm believers are equally absurd. They both are sure of something no one alive can ever be sure of.

--Every scientific article about the conclusion of any study or discovery has the words “might” or “may” or “maybe”. These people are getting paid to add to the general confusion.

--Once a brother, always a brother.

--A surgeon is really nothing more than an overpaid plumber.

--Vegetarians originally wanted to come to this world as sheep, but life screwed them over.

Questions That Keep Me From Sleeping

2011-07-04T08:20:00.000+02:00

--If I say to a hermaphrodite “Go screw yourself”, is it considered an insult?

--If I was having a conversation with a blind person and that person understood my point of view, can he/she say “I see”? And if he/she can and did, would that be considered a lie?

--If I equally rejected and did not believe in neither God nor the Devil, which of them would claim my soul if that thing existed? Would it still exist? Would I have found the secret to eternal earthly existence?

--If, instead of being crucified, Jesus was decapitated and had his body cut to pieces and each piece was burnt separately, what would the sign of Christianity be? Would the faithful chop off their heads and throw out bursting limbs each time they pray? Would they wear “decapitixes” around their necks?

--If the thought of an impure act is still counted as a sin, would the thought of a pure one be counted as an act of kindness?

--If I made a cutting joke (or a thousand) about Islam, how long would it take for me to get killed?

--If someone was allergic to allergy medication, what would be the cure?

--If you had a baby born in a soundproof room that has nothing but a piano in it and left that baby there to grow up all alone (food of course will be provided but with no human contact nor noise whatsoever) will that baby become a musician?

Pointers On Handling Man's Best Friend

2011-06-27T09:06:00.000+02:00

1- Naming it is mandatory.

2- Play with it as often as possible.

3- Never underestimate or overestimate its capabilities based on its size.

4- Avoid exposing it to cold temperatures, unless it’s a husky one.

5- Avoid leaving it in water for extended periods of time; it will tend to look smaller than it really is.

6- Drool on it, it may drool on you.

7- Not picking up what it drops and throwing it away might give birth to a sticky situation. Expect a lot of shit on the road.

8- The tip of its front is the most sensitive part in its body.

9- Never, ever, under any circumstance, show your teeth when it’s near!

10- When there’s a bone, it’s usually excited. Licking the bone makes it even more excited.

11- Unless trained otherwise, it will get extremely agitated at the sight of a pussy and will do what it takes to get to it.

12- Always go to where it points.

13- It likes humping so…let it hump!

Life Is Suicidal

2011-06-20T09:09:00.001+02:00

The other day I was having a conversation with one of my personalities and she told me she feels that life has taken its toll on her; it’s not giving her any room to breathe; she feels she’s suffocating. There’s no air getting through.
So I started thinking about how can life do this; why does it try to suffocate us sometimes? How can life subsist without air? If we don’t breathe, life does not exist, it would cease to be…Then it all hit me!

Life is suicidal!!!

If you really think about it, if you keep a close eye on things, you’d notice that life is trying to take its own life. Life has been trying to die since the dawn of time. Most of the species that once existed do not anymore. Earth has been under constant threat from every possible harmful system of destruction. Whether it was objects from outer space hitting it or itself trying to destruct itself. Self Destruction!! Volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, twisters, hurricanes, you name it.

Life is trying to take its own life.

This is why we’ve been created; this is why we have come to exist; to end all life. We’ve been made to pollute, contaminate, poison, defile, corrupt, and wipe out every living form of life on this planet; including ourselves. And get this; we did not settle with just this one, but we also began to seek other life forms on other planets in other galaxies…you know, just to communicate with them, get a glimpse of how they live so we can one day be able to annihilate them.

The messed up part in all of this though is the fact that we fight for our own individual survival.
We’re confused about our purpose in life; about why we’re here. We have this hidden notion that somehow we are immortal; that we’re going to live forever. For when it comes to our personal demise; we refuse to go away peacefully. No!! We immediately put out a fight in order to keep living.

This is why we have built homes, sown clothes, moved from one place to another, procreated, discovered medicine, mathematics, physics, chemistry, invented religion, philosophy, machines, guns, computers, the list goes on and on… We’re a life loving breed, well our own at least.
We fight death till the last breath, which, by the way, when it comes, induces death itself…

What are we doing? Trying to screw life? Well I’ve got news for you, life has been here longer than us all and no matter how we try, it will always find a way to screw us.

People, the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be, and the quicker you can go back to doing your initial job of trying to end life, trying to aid it commit suicide.

I'd Like Them Rare Please

2011-06-15T09:20:00.000+02:00

Ah Summer is almost here, it’s just around the corner. “How can you tell?” you ask. Well aside from the extreme heat and the scorching sun, everybody seems to be out and about running along in the sun taking care of business, surviving, pushing each other in the bushes, you know the usual stuff.

By the way, have you ever seen a documentary about animals during winter in the forest? Have you noticed that as soon as the rain clears up and the sunrays burst through the leaves of the trees, the forest immediately becomes busy with all sorts of creatures? Yeah…

But I digress; this is not the point here. That’s not what Summer’s about; it is about THE BEACH!!! Millions of people rushing to the place where sand meets water and lying around half-naked (or fully naked in some places) engaging in sun worship; an activity referred to in the modern days as “tanning.”

Which finally brings me to my point. Have you ever taken a close look at tanning and what it really is? Have you ever compared it to…say…cooking? Auto-cooking to be more specific? Because it really is nothing more than that.

“Honey, I’m going to the beach to cook myself now”
“OK babe, love you.”

Below you will find a list of different tanning techniques; pick the one that suits you best:

Boiling: Go sit in simmering salted water until meat is tight and firm. Make sure to stir often so you get cooked evenly.

Grilling: Lie down on the tanning bed, which incidentally is designed like a grill, until desired doneness is reached. Make sure to flip over regularly so the meat is evenly cooked.

Frying: Apply oil or fat all over the body and leave in the heat. Same as grilling, make sure to flip over regularly until desired browning is reached.

Hot Sand Frying: If you like to roll in the sand, this technique is for you, it is fairly simple. Just make sure you immerse yourself in the sand fully with nothing remaining outside but your nose so as to ensure even oxygen distribution. You can even have someone make sand boobs or sand penis for you just for kicks.

Broasting: Just like hot sand frying, but it requires that you apply oil or fat on the skin before covering it with sand.

Baking: Make sure the sand all around you is extremely hot; hot to the point that it can cause 1^st degree burns, then sit on top of it, move the parasol over your body so the heat is trapped between it and the sand. No need for flipping over.

Microwaving: Lift your superficial ass and take it to the nearest of the many tanning salons all over this planet, read instructions on the solarium, or don’t, and stuff yourself inside until nothing’s white about you except your teeth and eyeballs. Exposing yourself to radiation for an extended period of time may cause skin cancer. Peeling the skin is optional.

Now, how would you like your humans, sir?

Guest Life as We Love It...Or Hate It

2011-06-13T09:09:00.000+02:00

Guest Post by Fadi Bitar

- Don't you hate it how the only way you'll get your girlfriend to give you an honest opinion about another girl, is only AFTER you've specifically told your girlfriend that she is waaaay hotter than that other girl you're asking about?

- Men, don't you love it when a woman calls you.. "modern" ? A modern man is one that can cook, clean, dress himself, and is also possibly in touch with his feminine side. A modern man is also a man: He can light up a BBQ, take care of the house, and have enough testosterone to go around. By that same logic, modern women should know how to change the oil on a car, rewire the house's electricity and handle power tools, and make a good lasagna in time for dinner (when it's their turn to cook). And yet, they don't. Most of them don't even know their way around the kitchen or the garage. It's a good thing we have malls really..

- Men (again), don't you love it how when a relationship starts becoming serious, you get so excited when you see your girl for the first time in sweat pants, her hair in a ponytail and wearing no makeup whatsoever ? It feels like you're seeing her like nobody else has the privilege to, and it feels good for some strange reason. A few more months into the relationship she gets more comfortable around you and you start seeing more of her comfy side, up to the point where "foreplay" becomes braiding the hair on her legs, and all you can think of is "Can we please keep SOME mystery in this relationship ?!"

- And finally, don't you love the word "Selfish" ? Nobody tells you this, but it's actually a compliment. I read it like this: Self-ish ! You're not selfless mother Teresa, but you're not full of yourself (that would be.. self-ful ?) either. You're Self-ish, and therefore your amount of concern with yourself is.. just right.

Make sure you delve furthermore into Fadi's mind.