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noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 16:55:00 -0500

you're still here? ...

Don't neglect what you love the most

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Wed, 7 Jul 2010 11:20:00 -0400

Do neglect...you're burnt toast?

Mother's Day and Father's Day were filled with annoying requests to do something with our lives. The lack of posts on this blog is rapidly diminishing our ability to sell it as part of our plan to make some money.

But we don't need money, mom and dad. Why work when you don't need money? We'll get back to you with an answer.

Overeducated and out.

Hang On, Sloopy

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:29:00 -0400

It's August, summer of 2009. As Dylan once wrote, He who is not busy being born is busy dying. So we add Michael Jackson and Edward Kennedy to the butcher's bill. First black president is in office. A cool summer. Detached from nearly all pop music. Still overeducated and often excessively lazy.

-littleboxes staff

Activity

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 1 Jan 2009 15:46:00 -0500

Activity killed the cat, Activity killed the cat
The cat wasn't curious, he was simply out shape
Simply out shape, simply out of shape
The cat wasn't curious, he was simply out of shape

Protest T-shirt

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 02:07:00 -0400

Apparently we've missed the whole protest t-shirt movement. You know, the movement about the protest t-shirts. Please wait a few more months while the drugs wear off...

I'm younger than that now

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 16:09:00 -0500

Twilight on the frozen lake
North wind about to break
On footprints in the snow
Silence down below.

You're beautiful beyond words
You're beautiful to me
You can make me cry
Never say goodbye.

Time is all I have to give
You can have it if you choose
With me you can live
Never say goodbye.

My dreams are made of iron and steel
With a big bouquet
Of roses hanging down
From the heavens to the ground.

The crashing waves roll over me
As I stand upon the sand
Wait for you to come
And grab hold of my hand.

Metered Parking

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 18:04:00 -0500

Littleboxes: President Bush traded ideas with the non-partisan Iraq think-tank group thing. Do you think this was a one-for-one thing or is the President of the United States able to secure better terms of trade? Perhaps a 2-for-1 deal, the Prez gets 2, James Baker and company get one. This seems fair as we want our president to have as many ideas as possible. Right?

The PANDA: What nonsense. First off, are these good ideas? Two-for-one sounds good until we find out that James Baker is trading his hair care secrets for nuclear codes.

Littleboxes: Want to get a cigarette?

The PANDA: I don't smoke.

Littleboxes: We used to smoke, now we only buy.

The PANDA: Certainly, support those tobacco companies.

Littleboxes: Actually, we're trying to keep those sin tax revenues at a reasonable level. You know, support our troops.

The PANDA: Is there a best way to support our troops or does each individual have their own best way of supporting the troops.

Littleboxes: The best way is to buy cigarettes, pay the sin tax and then send cigs to Iraq and Afghanistan.

The PANDA: What about the troops in Europe and Korea? Why not send cigs to them?

Littleboxes: We feel that troops in Europe and Korea don't love America as much as troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The PANDA: Does this apply for any other jobs? Do Janitors love America less than gas station attendants in Oregon (full service, by the way).

Littleboxes: Full service in Oregon? No way.

The PANDA: Yes way. Totally way. Fill er up, young man, or young lady.

Littleboxes: Indeed. Do you tip them?

The PANDA: I'm not sure. I never did but I felt weird. I really don't know the proper manners.

Littleboxes: Did they clean your windshield or anything?

The PANDA: No, no windshield cleaning.

Littleboxes: Well, then we wouldn't think you'd tip someone if they didn't clean your windshield.

The PANDA: I'm not sure it was dirty. Wouldn't a useless windshield cleaning just scream desperation and warrant a no tip?

Littleboxes: No, a windshield cleaning is always necessary. Plus it sucks to clean windshields, dude.

The PANDA: Yeah, I hate cleaning my windshield.

Littleboxes: But the clean windshield is essential for safe driving. And more people die on the road each year than die inside due to unclean conditions.

The PANDA: What are you talking about?

Littleboxes: We're saying that the Oregon gas station people clearly save more lives than the janitors of the world because they clean windshields and this is more essential than toilet cleaning or floor cleaning.

The PANDA: But they didn't clean my windshield.

Littleboxes: Fuck you, Panda.

ah hell

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Sun, 22 Oct 2006 04:32:00 -0400

Try to Make You...Understand

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 18:26:00 -0400

what could possibly be more productive than an afternoon trolling the McSweeney's website?

Well, we could list those things that are more productive, but speaking of lists, McSweeney's has lists.

Here's a sample of some lists includiing elements of those lists.

------------------

Five Things Rick Astley is Never Gonna Do

Give you up.

Let you down.

Run around.

Desert you.

Touch you inappropriately.

*********
Toddler T-shirt Slogans

ACCEPTABLE

Ask me about the C-section.

More of a tit man, thanks.

Still pissed about missing the millennium.

I buried my heart at Legoland.

Waiting for Godot.

Don't let Tony Danza touch me.

Stop the war. Already.

Stunt double for Katie Holmes's baby.

UNACCEPTABLE

Property of Child and Family Services

Glad those stairs were carpeted.

Slap me if you love Jesus.

Not quite getting this whole "MILF" phenomenon.

I beheld then because of the voice of the great words which the horn spake: I beheld even till the beast was slain, and his body destroyed, and given to the burning flame.

Daddy didn't want me.

Ask me about the extra digit.

Grandma won't shut up.

**********
COMEBACK T-SHIRTS FOR "I'M WITH STUPID" T-SHIRTS

The "With" Is a Typo

Finger Actually Pointing to Person Next to Me

Your High Standards Set an Example for Us All

Only Because "I'm With Sexy" Cost More

If Not for That Shirt, He'd Never Read

And Clearly Proud of It

I'm Rubber, You're Glue, Everything You Say [CONTINUED ON BACK]

Just Until "I'm With Genius" Shirt Back From Dry Cleaner

I Lost the Bet

That Aren't True

-------------

SEE MORE LISTS

Medium Rare

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 14:52:00 -0400

It's rare that we find ourselves motivated enough to post once a month, let alone twice in one day. But we couldn't resist informing our loyal readers about this story.

Headline: Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Excerpts:

A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.
--snip--
"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
--snip--
"We used to love the raccoons. They'd have their babies this time of year, and they were so cute. Even though we lived in the city, it was neat to have wildlife around," he said, "but this year, things changed. They went nuts."
--snip--
Brown said he had seen packs of raccoons this big but none so into killing.
"They are in command up there," he said.

We heard ABC bought the movie rights.
"Think raccoons are cute? This wednesday on ABC, watch them go nuts. Psycho Killer Raccoons, Wednesday, 7pm on ABC."

link to story

Alive

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 01:13:00 -0400

Tangoed and Cashed

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 02:29:00 -0400

Many mistakingly believe that John Kerry was the first man to be "swift boated." Actually Ray Tango and Gabriel Cash of the movie Tango and Cash may have been the first. Although Randy Feldman is listed as the official writer, this script has Karl Rove's fingerprints all over it.

Tango (Sly Stallone) and Cash (Kurt Russell) are the best cops in Los Angeles, although they argue about who really is the best cop. Cash and Tango appear to be narcotics cops and have confiscated millions of dollars worth of cocaine. They are popular and well-loved by children and adults. They are cool, honest, and noble. As dope dealer Yves Perret exclaims, "Oh, God. Ray Tango. How he loves to dance. He waltzes in and takes all my drugs, then tangos back out again."

What could possibly be done to bring these two down? Yves Perret (Jack Palance) is a criminal mastermind. Instead of attacking the weaknesses of Tango and Cash (do they have any?) Yves goes after the strengths of Tango and Cash. He attacks their integrity and identify as honest police officers by framing them as the killers of an FBI agent! Genuis. They are convicted and sent to prison, leaving Mr. Perret free to deal his drugs in peace. As Yves himself says "what a shameful fall from glory."

Of course, the story does have a happy ending, so maybe Karl only wrote the first half.

Good Lord, that's heavy

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Fri, 26 May 2006 23:32:00 -0400

And we quote:

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried.

The "700 Club" host's feat of strength is recounted on the Web site of his Christian Broadcasting Network, in a posting headlined "How Pat Robertson Leg Pressed 2,000 Pounds."

Then they add this little nugget:

According to the CBN Web site, Robertson worked his way up to lifting a ton with the help of his physician, who is not named.

Hello? His god damn doctor is Jesus, obviously.

"Where in the world did Robertson even find a machine that could hold 2,000 pounds at one time?" Travis asked.

Are you saying that the man who turned water into wine can't find a machine that holds 2,000 pounds?

One of the photos Vasko released had a digital date stamp of 1994, although she said Robertson performed the leg press in 2003. Vasko said that perhaps the date was not set properly on the camera.

Hey, the answering machine in our office always thinks it's Sunday at 1pm.

The Story

Inbetween leg presses, Pat managed to interview David Horowitz author of a new book called The Professors: The 101 Most Dangerous Academics in America.

Full interview here

A nice quote from Horowitz:
I estimate that there are 50,000 to 60,000 radical professors who want the terrorists to win and us to lose the war on terror. They regard the terrorists as freedom fighters and America is an imperialist power that oppresses third-world people, and we are the root cause of the attacks on us.
--snip--
That is because the left got a blacklist in place 20 years ago. It is ruthless and will exclude libertarians and believing Christians and, of course, conservatives, generally. It has been in place 20-25 years. So there is just a dwindling number of conservatives left on the faculties.

Glass of Wine in Her Hand

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 25 May 2006 12:04:00 -0400

Here's a headline ripped from the front page of the internet

Study: Most young kids glued to the TV

Apparently kids are watching the television:

Eight in 10 of the nation's youngest children — babies up to age 6 — watch TV, play video games or use the computer for about two hours on a typical day. A third live in homes where the TV is on most of the time.

The results are horrifying:

Another mother told Kaiser she stopped watching "ER" reruns when her preschooler tried to give her little brother CPR.

"What is the impact on little kids of watching shows like 'CSI' or 'ER'?" asked Rideout. "I don't think we know the answer to that. I don't know that people really realized that kind of viewing was going on to the degree I think it is."

Cleary, the elephant in the room on this one is the whole poltergeist issue. With this many kids watching television something spooky involving the spirit world is bound to happen.

An informal poll of the littleboxes staff suggests that at least 1 in 5 children is likely living right on top of a Native American burial ground. Combine that with your 8 in 10 kids watching two hours of TV and you've got yourself a major problem.

UAC

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 18 May 2006 11:51:00 -0400

Actual caption on this picture:
Unidentified guests arrive for the world premiere of U.S. director Ron Howard's out of competition film 'The Da Vinci Code' at the 59th Cannes Film Festival May 17, 2006.

1) Ass cheeks usually go unidentified
2) Maybe if they took a picture of her face they might realize who it is.

Doldrums

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 18 May 2006 11:39:00 -0400

We are so depressed. As many of you know, it really sucks when you get sick. Just awful. Although we've found it doesn't really impact the first 12 hours of our day that much. We all still take an afternoon nap and have our 3pm coke snort right on schedule. It seriously hampers going out at night though. Bummer.

What sucks even worse than being sick though is when your customer gets sick. Some of you aren't wealthy enough to have a customer. Relax, if you work hard, your great grand children might be that wealthy! Actually, probably not. Blame your lazy ancestors for not making the proper investments.

But anyway, customer sick = problems. One of us was actually forced to buy something from a drug store the other day. We made her take a shower as soon as she got back. Can you imagine all the common germs that are in a drug store? Actually, you probably can because you have them. Silly us.

It really sucks buying stuff for yourself. Mingling with the common folk is kinda interesting when you're in your teens but it is so 1996.

And the god damn indignity of having to actually count your money and worry about change. We couldn't give a shit about change but it draws too much attention when you pay with a C-note and just walk away. "Excuse me, sir? What about your change?"

As much as we don't care about the change, we certainly don't think the lazy check out bitch should get the money. Girl needs to learn a little self-reliance.

Fishing Hole

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Tue, 9 May 2006 12:42:00 -0400

When you walk through the garden
you gotta watch your back
well I beg your pardon
walk the straight and narrow track
if you walk with Jesus
he's gonna save your soul
you gotta keep the devil
way down in the hole
he's got the fire and the fury
at his command
well you don't have to worry
if you hold on to Jesus's hand
we'll all be safe from Satan
when the thunder rolls
just gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole
All the angels sing about Jesus's mighty sword
and they'll shield you with their wings
and keep you close to the lord
don't pay heed to temptation
for his hands are so cold
you gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole

Big Rabbit

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Sat, 8 Apr 2006 22:10:00 -0400

That's a big rabbit.

Wish I Did Have a Pair

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 00:32:00 -0500

Associated Press:

It took the combined efforts of several countries to break up this plot," Bush said. "By working together we stopped a catastrophic attack on our homeland."

Reuters:

Court papers released last week show that Libby was authorized to disclose classified information to news reporters by "his superiors," in an effort to counteract diplomat Joe Wilson's charge that the Bush administration twisted intelligence on Iraq's nuclear weapons to justify the 2003 invasion.

The National Journal, a U.S. weekly magazine, citing attorneys familiar with the matter, reported that Cheney was among those superiors referred to in a letter from prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to Libby's lawyers.

What the hell is up with this Homeland crap! Homeland?
Meanwhile, Dick may be in trouble. We can only hurt Dick if it doesn't hurt the homeland. The homeland is our most precious commodity.

Whatever.

Only Lies That We're Living

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 19 Jan 2006 23:09:00 -0500

And we thought nothing could bring us back...

It is what you think it is.

Just Like That

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 09:07:00 -0500

Maybe we have foggy memories, but things like this were not said before the war. But do the American people have a long enough memory for these kind of statements to piss them off?

The White House report says victory in Iraq will take time.

"It is not realistic to expect a fully functioning democracy, able to defeat its enemies and peacefully reconcile generational grievances, to be in place less than three years after Saddam (Hussein) was finally removed from power," the report said.

LINK

We're happy to welcome the Bush administration back to reality, but didn't you guys and gals know it wouldn't be easy before you started this thing? If you didn't know, you're a bunch of assholes. If you did, but didn't tell the county, you're a bunch of assholes.

All we remember before the war was talk about mushroom clouds and how it really wouldn't be that hard to create a democracy in Iraq. Why, they were an educated secular people with oil money that could be used for reconstruction.

We don't know about you, but Bjorn informed us, that after listening to the Bush administration's prewar pep talks about Iraq this is what he pictured Baghdad might look like 3 years after the invasion:

Common

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 00:27:00 -0500

OK. We're a pretty shy group here, especially when it comes to fashion. But sometimes, crimes are committed. Horrible, unspeakable crimes that violate our sense of common decency. We've been noticing once such egregious violation of good taste with increasing regularity.

Our Claim: Pointy shoes are ugly.

Our Argument:
People! Stop wearing the pointy shoes. They are ugly. They look especially bad on men. Ugh. These are the leisure suits of our era. They look like court jester shoes. They aren't comfortable, they look like shit.

Our Evidence:
They look stupid.

They make otherwise hot women look bad. (well, not that bad)

They encourage silly behavior.

They look soooo bad.

Our Amendment: insert the adjective "fucking" before ugly.

Our Verdict: Point shoes, fucking ugly.

Did It Have To Be That Guy?

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Thu, 27 Oct 2005 11:16:00 -0400

As idle sons and daughters of the independently wealthy we've been known to partake in the consumption of a rather wide assortment of illicit drugs. You name it, we've taken it. We're also certain that if some of our wealth-challenged readers have not heard of it, we've definitely taken it. There really is no greater pleasure than partaking in activities that are only known to our select group.

There is always talk about medical marijuana and to a lesser extent (unless you are on a college campus) talk of legalizing marijuana. Frankly, we don't give a damn. We are so well connected, and we do mean to rub it in, that it's almost as if the damn stuff is legal. What are you going to do, arrest us? Please.

Yet, we do feel tiny pangs of sympathy in our hearts for our relatively less wealthy friends who do, indeed, take on some risks while consuming their rather low-grade versions of the magical herb. We wouldn't really call these "people" our friends, but it certainly ups one's sensitivity quotient when one can be seen to rather deftly interact with persons across at a least a few of the social spectrums.

So, it saddens our hearts to see articles discussing the benefits of marijuana accompanied by pictures of this sort:

The caption reads something like "Man smokes a marijuana cigarette at a protest in Toronto." People, this man has green hair. Movie star Matthew McConaughey is known to smoke a doobie. Why not accompany the article with this picture?

Editor's note: We apologize for the lack of recent posts. Motivation is such an intermittent flame. And, of course, no one expects literally everyone in the office to come down with the same mysteriously itchy STD within the same week. We have to start inviting a wider collection of people to our parties.

The Pizza Man

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Fri, 14 Oct 2005 19:37:00 -0400

One of our best posts ever was a post about pizza delivery people. Of course, we didn't write that post, we just cobbled together bits from an article about pizza delivery persons in City Pages. We're much too lazy to link to our old post, but we will link to this new post at City Pages written by a man (presumably) called the Pizza Man or something.
Funny shit.
---------------------
So I take this order over to XXXX Cheapskate Avenue last night. It's a couple of pies and some beverages. The total comes to $38 even.

I walk up the steps, ring the bell, knock on the door.

No answer.

I knock again.

A metrosexual guy dressed in a white, untucked button-up shirt and baggy jeans with gel in his hair appears on the other side of the glass. (If you want to know what kind of guy I'm talking about, hang out in front of Rosen's on a Friday night.) He's talking on his cell. He looks at me and holds up his index finger.

"It's just the pizza guy," he says and keeps talking.

I wait for a minute or two (or forever) and finally he comes to the door.

"Hey there, guy," he says. (I hate being called "guy.")

"That'll be $38, please."

"Uh, yeah, here."

He hands me exactly $38. I hand him the pizzas.

"Was there something wrong?" I ask.

"No. Why?"

"Because people usually tip..." I begin.

"Oh yeah...here. Have a day."

He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a dollar bill, flips it toward me and shuts the door.

I grab the dollar in midair and look at it.

"Thanks a fuckin' lot, pal," I say to no one.

I get in the car, still clutching the dollar.

What a slap in the face, what an asshole.

"Have a day"? What the fuck?

The weird thing is, this was the second man of the night who wore that exact outfit and tipped poorly. The other guy even said, "Have a day," as well.

What's up with these fuckers? Is there some kind of club where everybody dresses the same, tips badly, and says, "Have a day"?

I sure as shit hope not.

LINK

The Army

noreply@blogger.com (littleboxes) — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 12:30:00 -0400

We read this today in an AP article about what the Army is doing to increase the number of new recruits:

Make more use of what DuBois calls "lead refinements" — the use of computer technology to refine recruiters' leads on potential enlistees. Using mathematical formulas based in part on demographics, a recruiter can more easily prioritize his or her high-payoff leads and thus become more productive. Ten of the Army's 41 recruiting battalions now use this technology; the Army wants to double it to 20 or more.

Some people read that and find nothing weird. Others may read it become a bit scared. We are part of the latter group. Demographics? OK, it's not as if the Army doesn't target specific groups at the moment or throughout history, but the thought of them becoming more effective at this is a bit crazy.

Most people who are interested in Military service are interested in military service and might seek it out. It becomes a bit more touchy when the Army is out convincing people to join up. The formulas are aimed at finding out which groups are the easiest to convince. Easiest to convince does not necessarily translate well into such concepts as "a good thing" or "beneficial to the individual."