We gather on the shores of warmth and love, surrounded by affection and the embrace of kindred souls. Winking stars and a smiling moon above as witnesses to the ceremony of union.

On another day of sun and commitment, Tammie and Joe were bonded to each other and expressed they Vows of support and abiding love. It seems not long ago when the girls were young and we were too, and we gathered with hope and good wishes to share the melding of two worlds into one.

Their home would be built with a shared purpose – the gift of giving, and giving, and then giving some more, create a safe and healing place for all, where support and love would rule, where keeping the focus on growth and improvement were key and putting family above all was paramount.

Family is, after all, the very expression of love…it is all that is good about human beings. Family allows us to exist with the knowledge that we are never alone, that we matter, and that no matter the choices we make in haste or ignorance or heat, there is the bet of comfort to lay our head upon at night knowing it will be alright. Nothing matters, so long as love lies with us…holds us close, whispers gently as the wind, that Tomorrow is another day, sleep now, release your burden and sorrow, take strength in the universe of acceptance and forgiveness, and dream sweetly of the promise of another chance, another day to try, another opportunity to take a breath and be glad, nothing more, just a thank you on the exhale, thank you…thank you for being in my life.

Tammie and Joe embody the shear power love can provide in designing a life worth living and sharing. Their support for each other, their vigilance over the growing girls, now young women sure of their significance in the world, knowing the depth and strength of an extended family’s many arms, like an octopus’ tentacles always reaching out, touch, coiling them, bringing them closer to the center of being, closer to all that matters, closer to the heart.

And lifting gaze to the horizon of possibilities, there on a distant rock sits the Siren, hair long and loose in the breeze, smiling lips, eyes wide and full the Muse calls “Come play! Come enjoy the day! Come share with me the bounties of life’s banquet!” How could Joe help but answer by swimming out through the day and then in the night still trying to reach her, the burning sun now awash in the vast sea, and the light above is now cast by the Blue Moon, the Siren’s smile encased in the halo of the most heavenly night body, following the waning and waxing Moon, he swam on until reaching her, stronger now than when he started and standing with her on the rock that is their Love, all is right in their world, the gentle lapping of the playful water, the gazillion stars above, ruled by an enormous orb, Luna Azul.

As we know a blue moon occurs about every 2 to 3 years, but this kind of love comes but once in a lifetime.

i was so proud of the strides she was taking to care about her health and her life. it was beautiful. cancer sucks.

my mom wasn’t the easiest person to deal with, she was demanding, she was very specific about her needs, but didn’t really listen to yours. she was tough on us, she was paranoid and accusatory, you could never do enough to please her and then she would turn around and tell you how proud of you she was.

i remember “talking” to mom every thursday on my commute from livermore to aptos. she would talk the entire time, usually about an hour and a half of hearing about what was going on in her life, or gossip, or what was on television at the time…then she got sick and she stopped talking. that is when i knew that things had changed forever.

my mom fought a battle, and ugly battle for 18 months. she let them pound her body with any type of chemo combination they could muster up in hopes of getting back to that new life she was building. it was brutal, she was rendered lifeless, sitting in a chair, feeling unimaginable pain and sickness for almost two years. she chose not to try any holistic options and just giving herself up to the healthcare system that failed her in the first place.

there were heroes in this story, my aunt was there for her whenever she could be despite her failing heath, my uncle was there next door to provide support, to try to get her to eat, to argue with her, and to put up with her abuse in her very saddened state. there was also her friend nancy that took her to all of her chemo sessions, helped her pay her bills, listen to her, or maybe just talk, i don’t know, i was so far away.

after 18 months, my mother made the conscious decision to stop her chemo. she died 3 weeks later. the last week of her life i was at the hospice hanging out in her room every day, it was strange, she was frustrated with the care and agitated with the nurses all the time. irritated with my uncle and i talking about her in the room, even asked us to leave one day, so we decided that i would go alone for the rest of the week. she had moments of clarity, mostly the last day where she was sweet and kind to me, we talked about silly things, like her playing softball, little house on the prairie, fortune telling, card games, we ate a mcdonalds hamburger together…always her favorite fast food.

thats all i have to say right now, she left this world on easter sunday 2012. i will miss her forever.

highway 81 was solid with traffic, so i decided to hit “detour” on the ol’ garmin. i had a little tour of of scranton and the surrounding areas on the “blue detour” route.

the house lined streets of peeling tar shingle roofs…some with barely a roof left, aluminum and plastic siding falling down, even old tar shingle siding on these homes. shops with sales signs made with sharpie pens, irish pubs with for sale signs, closed down factories, abandoned with broken windows…

and in almost every yard, what do you see? a flag, a cross, a virgin mary, or any number of saints, christopher predominantly. what is america doing for these people, for this economy of coal miners and factory workers, who’s jobs are gone, who can’t take care of their homes, who can’t feed their families. even more so, what is god doing for them? these people believe stronger in god and country than any where i have been in my life…where is their reward? when can they be free of the burdens that bind them to this place?

to the bar on the corner to have some cheap whiskey and a bad beer and numb themselves for one more day. to feel that comfort come over them and to taste a glimmer of hope, if just for a few hours. Then pass out in bed and start the next day looking for work to feed themselves and their families, and their elderly parents…

feels like the land that god and america forgot…frozen in time.

Posted via email from karmahappens’s posterous

Posted via email from karmahappens’s posterous

who do you want to be?
i want to be a woman that loves herself. a woman that tempers selfishness and selflessness. a woman that is remembered for the beauty that she saw in the people and places that she loved.

what do you want to be?
alive…more than anything else. owning every moment of this beautiful life. open mind, open arms, open heart. love…real. its all i can be.

how do you want to be?
full of passion, the passion to never fear the future, the passion to process that i am organic, the passion to embrace what i love. there is no other way, my mind does not process life’s challenges with out passion.

my mother’s illness has progressed, she has decided to stop having chemo and to stay at home with hospice…only time will tell what that means, but at least she is at home and as happy as she can be in her current physical condition. i can’t even explain what the last twelve months has been like for me…i have been through more emotionally than i have ever in my life…doesn’t hold a candle to what my mother has been through, but it as been a roller coaster. i know it has affected everyone around me–case in point–joeloves.me. he is a tolerant and understanding man, based on my behavior, a saint. i have been drowning in a wine bottle with no end in sight, but what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger, my mother can certainly attest to that.

i will miss my mother when she is no longer here on earth, i hope that she finds that place she calls heaven a wonderful break from the pain she has been enduring for 17 months now. she is an innocent woman, never traveled much outside her box, never lied, cheated, or stole anything in her life. she deserves to find peace. really, enough already. so i move into spring with hope for peace and freedom from her pain, that is all i can do.