Bastard Windows

chapter 1 - bastard windows

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:36:00 +0000

some people believe that the human race was created through the process of evolution... that is, instead of monkeys shaving themselves, mother nature, over a period of a trillion years, shaved them instead... the drunk old bitch had a rusty pair of clippers... other people believe that god created people over a period of six days or so. no apes screwing or even giving each other a hand job...it seems that people of this belief system, for the most part, are against screwing of any sort, and definitely with no background music adding to and perpetuating the flow of juices.

here is what i believe: (its my idea, and it belongs to me)... what if both are true??? that is to say, that some of us are hairless apes , and others are of a somewhat more divine descent, and only god knows who is who...it has nothing to do with who plays tennis the best, has the biggest dick, or who has buck teeth.

i was driving in a car on the way to an airport to go to europe to teach english to little italian boys and girls for the next three months...my friend paul was driving me and we were listening to john hiatt on the stereo. paul is a fine fellow who doesn't collect elvis records and hardly ever laughs at the sight of dead squirrels on the side of the road...why laugh at anything that makes a great hockey puck when frozen??? paul is probably the most heterosexual human that i know... it is easy to not live in denial when there is nothing to deny.

the way that success is achieved in this world is to live constantly in denial... giving people the subconscious message that their denial is not being noticed, hence, not only are you presenting yourself in a way that will be accepted and make those around you comfortable, you are also allowing others to do the same...life is beautiful.

The plane was soon to leave... paul was driving away back to his loving family, but he was still with me as well..every point of the universe intersects at every point imaginable, and if you can open your heart and mind, all is accessible to all.

chapter 2

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:35:00 +0000

i met two friends in the montreal airport... being in montreal and not being allowed to lick the left tit of this compulsively wonderful city ls like being thirteen years old and having your hands tied behind your back while looking at miss july dance and swirl like a hot steamy tornado right in front of you...i love this city... it's the place in the world where selling your soul for a sandwich could potentially be a reasonable proposition... in fact, the reason why god got so pissed off at whats-his-face for selling his soul for a bowl of soup was because the soup wasn't made by a french canadian.

i am a very sensitive fellow... two nervous breakdowns...four years with post-traumatic stress (accompanied with depression)... and a two day coma-type situation after I tried to murder myself...a year of intensive rest, followed by ninety nine days in europe was my recipe for healing...a wonderful idea, and being in a place where no one could identify me I could act like the biggest ars in the world and it wouldn't matter...i am a clergyman... we are all assholes, right?

As the plane was taking off into the bright afternoon sky i began to consider life... specifically...|taking back what was stolen from me: my health. we all take things that don't belong to us. ..the church bitches about the sinfulness of sex, but tell me this...when is sex not sinful??? i mean, even in the context of marriage, when are people honest about their truest intentions during the act of screwing??? when is it ever separated from selfish motives, deceit, and using the other for instant gratification??? that is to say, maybe the church is so preoccupied with the condemning of sex before marriage simply because it disregards the real issues of sexual intimacy, the issues of the heart. Is it an act of love or an act of dishonesty?

what has been taken from me is my health...religious institutions raped it from me as i was bending down in the shower to return to them their bar of soap... they never got the soap, nor did they clean themselves in any respect...they simply fucked me up the ass ... and i want my innocence back.

chapter 3

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:32:00 +0000

the beautiful thing about losing your airplane ticket is that nobody really wants to appropriate it...unlike your wallet or your virginity...or even your new tube of glue... it has no value to any one but yourself...it is almost like trying to take your own life...people no longer want to be with you...they find no value in the alliance.

after a few minutes of heavy breathing...i found my ticket, and weren't the french people happy for me...i responded, “we, we we! ticket! we we we!”

the thought of not getting back on the plane reminds me of playing in a tennis tournament in cape breton in l985...after winning my final match, I was given a piece
of paper by some old lady who probably considered hot flashes as a childhood memory...it was from my lady friend who i was traveling with... essentially it said... “fuck-off."... i cried in front of a rather large crowd as i accepted my trophy...all along the old lady reaffirming me that she probably had to rush home back to halifax and feed her cat or something like that...attempting to make me feel better... yet making me feel that she was probably retarded.

denial is such an interesting quality...could any of us live with our selves if we weren't full of it... if it didn't consume us like lust??? only more unassuming as we are so familiar with it that we no longer are aware of its presence in our lives...does any one really learn to love themselves??? how is it possible when the amount of negative reinforcement and criticism is so overwhelming??? then there is the devil... tempting us to do shit we know is wrong...even if we abstain... the thoughts we have to deal with still ring in our ears like we had just gotten out of a led zeppelin concert...front row center seats...loving ones self involves pure unadulterated humility... and who ever has any thing to do with that???

chapter 4

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:28:00 +0000

no perception in life is more metaphoric than what is seen as one looks through an open window...maybe its the frame given to the object being observed...maybe its because breasts and tits are more often than not what are being looked upon...maybe its simply the convenience of being able to sit while visions of night , weaker moments and crazy people are being taken in...and controlled...it matters not...the window eventually becomes the doorway for the dusting off of the retarded little creature known as man...! learned so much about myself as i watch others learn nothing about me.

there was mr. sex...his window was directly across from my hotel room...he would wait until someone was watching him undress his somewhat ignorant and carefree victim...he didnt really give a shit about sex...it was the thrill of having someone perceive him as a heterosexual man who got his ''pussy''...ironically , i would have been a lot more impressed if he had the other type of pussy-a cat , that is-and treated it with a little kindness...that is to say , the only thing really being fucked was mr. sex himself...in displaying his ''manhood''...he had only proven that he really didnt love women...maybe not even sexually...thats another question...if he had any respect for this woman , he would at the very least tell her of his exhibitionist inclinations...then
they could be perverts together .

i couldnt help ask myself the question : am i like mr. sex??? no , i dont have any desire to lure someone into some type of perverse world and not even tell them about it...yet
all keep secrets that are valuable bits of information that could help others to decide the degree of involvement that they would want to have with us...fuck it!!! if someone loves you , then they love you...to disclose yourself will only help the relationship in the long run...so much time and energy wasted as we pretend to be someone that we are not .

there was a lot of other interesting shit going on outside my bedroom window....most of it concerned with people wanting something that they probably should not be given...it was time to go for a walk down the streets of nice , france...wearing nothing but my underwear...with a quart of cheap wine in my left hand...staggering down the streets of this wonderful place...it was time for some real authentic french chinese food.

chapter 5

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:27:00 +0000

in a small town in northern italy i was hired to teach english
for the summer...i met my employer and then quit my job...i
didnt trust him...i had a bad feeling...who can have power
and not abuse it??? certainly not elfucko...elfucko-the name
by which i affectionately refer to him as-was going to abuse
his power...and i knew it.

power is basically the ability to get what one desires in
life...the actualization of the state of the inner man...when
one acquires power one is soon to have manifest the horrific
nightmare that is inside the hearts of most of us...only
with great effort is one able to resolve this inner darkness
to the place where it will no longer physically manifest
itself if given the opportunity.

the buddha teaches us that desire is evil and that we therefore
must not desire because it leads us into all sorts of shit...power
then is essentially being pulled in the exact opposite direction...making
opportunity for self satisfaction to be virtually impossible
to embrace...where there is power you will virtually always
find money and sex...and much of it...maybe this is simply
gods curse...being so fed up with people that he gives them
over to the perversions that they long for...allowing them
in turn to destroy their relationships and every thing else
...allowing only the appearance of wealth to
remain...maybe , save a miracle , there is inevitably an
inverted equation between the appearance of ones life and
the pain that is within...regardless if one is or is not
in touch with that pain.

after telling elfucko that i wouldnt work for him for the
next three months...he breathed a sigh of relief and toasted
me as we drank the night away along with the other employees
of his program on the italian riviera...now i could drink
as much as i wanted and not be worried about being watched...the
wine was dry and my inhibitions were washed like the waves
over the naked bodies just a few miles down the coast...like
breasts being casually taken by the current...my mind and
body and words were now free the experience and experiment...a
beautiful irish girl sat before me...her hair wrapped around
the brown long bottle of medium-dry...in very much the same
way i desired to place my fingers around her face...within
an hour i said to her : "if i ever get the guts to fall
in love again...i hope she is someone just like you".

chapter 6

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:25:00 +0000

thru a variety of somewhat strange and bizarre circumstances...i
found myself working for a sort of unforced labor camp
on the top of a mountain about twenty miles from where i
originally was in italy...it was a castle like building
that was being renovated into its former glory by someone
who will remain nameless...i was to move things from one
place to another for the purpose of knowing that where they
were...they werent any longer .

i woke up one morning to piss out of the back window to
make a somewhat disturbing discovery...there was a house
missing from my view down the hill...two instead of three
houses were now in sight...this was indeed quite a discovery...even
my urine was in awe...i could tell as it drifted down three
stories counter clockwise instead of clockwise .

it seems to be so strange talking about such things...the
fact of the matter is however that virtually nothing is
the way that it seems...love relationships being glorified
by society and family are found to be no more than people
falling in love with the way someone makes them feel about
themselves...most relationships are actually masturbation
in the most unhealthy sense possible...someone gratifying
themselves by using the mind , body , spirit and soul of
another...two usually do not become one...as so few people
ever learn to see beyond themselves in any respect...masturbation
is fine when it is an act of honesty...done by ones self
for the purpose of pleasing ones self...and maybe the reason
why fundamentalist religion is against such things is because
they really dont want to have much to do with anything that
represents even the most remote aspect of integrity .

as for the house...in a few hours it reappeared..once i
had a demon appear to me and tell me that its purpose was
to destroy my life...ive been poisoned by satanists and
cursed by cu1ts...i once ran over a twenty foot black snake
that refused to go thud , thud under my wheels...the fact
that things arent what they appear to be is a known fact
in almost every culture in the world...save those that worship
money and success as primary gods...the devil has a much
more devious plan for such people .

chapter 7

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:21:00 +0000

the people that i was staying with in the mansion on the
hill were from northern europe and very stupid...not that
people from northern europe are generally less intelligent...in
fact , these two guys just may be the dumbest of the lot...they
would watch me toil in the garden all day long as they complained
about how hot it was...''fuck'', they would say...''it sure
is fuckin' hot''...i would try to pretend that i wasnt completely
pissed-off at the situation , but probably didnt fool
anyone...especially myself.

the problem with me is that i take life too personally...when
people are lazy... i feel that its because i did something
wrong...when they are angry with me its because i am a
bad person...i find it difficult to let things go...the
universe ebbs and flows... and people are saints and ass
holes...the entire thing usually has nothing to do with
me .

i am an extremely unique control freak...never controlling
peoples behavior...yet feeling that if i can be good enough
they will surely behave properly...they dont...so i keep
behaving better and better...until i eventually am totally
exhausted or have a nervous breakdown...if gods love cant
compel us into a better way of life then surely i dont
have a chance .

i pleaded for love as a child...i remember once after my
father beat my mother to the ground with his fists...he
summoned my brother to kick her as she remained motionless...they
both laughed like they were watching a richard pryor video...i
, at the age of seven or eight , looked on in horror...my
wounds go deeper...the first time i ever attempted suicide
i was six years old...i held my fathers hunting knife to
my throat and began to push the blade against my skin like
a stereo needle against the latest beatles album...it was
then that i heard gods voice for the first time...he told
me that it would be all right...god obviously didnt know
my father .

come night , the two ignorant little northern fellows and
myself , drank a few bottles of wine and talked about the
finer things in life...like how to rid your house of rats
and other such critters...and more importantly...how to
open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew...with an upside
down nail and a hammer we finally have success...these
guys were not that bad after all...they even believed in
the existence of big foot and alien life...what more could
you want in a casual conversation .

chapter 8

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:18:00 +0000

an old man that i met on the cobble stone street one day
invited me to his house during a work break...he was just
like every other old man save he was mentally challenged
... he couldnt talk a single word of any language and he had
a strange habit collecting old ironing boards and painting
pictures of elton john on the cotton...he obviously had
never felt much love for years...maybe never...people desire
their children to be better than them...not just because
they love them-though this is often a very prominent reason- but
because they want to live thru their lives vicariously...they
want their children to meet the needs that were never met
in their childhood...i heard a story once where a baby was
born emotionally and physically deformed...the father turned
to the mother and said..."this one needs our love even more"...this
, of course , seldom happens...imperfection reminds us too
much of the turmoil within our own lives...furthermore...
we can never give a love that hasnt been deposited to us
somewhere down the road prior to the time it is needed to
be given to another.

the old man offered me a glass of wine from a dirty , cracked
cup...i could see his fragile , broken face as i looked
thru the glass...he was beautiful...god loves the broken
hearted...if the wine tasted like piss...then piss never
tasted so good...in his brokenness i was given the gift
of friendship.

some people never learn what is really important in life
until all is taken away...even then , most simply decide
to explore the wonderful world of bitterness...in the west
... we are taught that love is negotiable...and laying our
lives down for one another is insanity...yet this old cocksucker
had a sincere affection for me...in gods eyes his
kingdom probably covered half way across europe...i found
new jerusalem on his living room floor...and the insects
were no less than prize racing horses...the crumbs they
were carrying back to the holes in the fragmented , tattered
walls...chariots made of silver and gold...each with a bumper
sticker that read :"beware of the whore of babylon".

i said good-by to the kind , sad gent...he replied :''eeeee''...then
, as i walked away , i saw an old house cat that thought
he was a farm cat...(i know these things)...and i thought
to myself...he is probably not half as confused as the rest
of us ...he ate his spaghetti...i walked away to find some
more wine an old man that i met on the cobble stone street one day
invited me to his house during a work break...he was just
like every other old man save he was mentally challenged
... he couldnt talk a single word of any language and he had
a strange habit collecting old ironing boards and painting
pictures of elton john on the cotton...he obviously had
never felt much love for years...maybe never...people desire
their children to be better than them...not just because
they love them-though this is often a very prominent reason- but
because they want to live thru their lives vicariously...they
want their children to meet the needs that were never met
in their childhood...i heard a story once where a baby was
born emotionally and physically deformed...the father turned
to the mother and said..."this one needs our love even more"...this
, of course , seldom happens...imperfection reminds us too
much of the turmoil within our own lives...furthermore...
we can never give a love that hasnt been deposited to us
somewhere down the road prior to the time it is needed to
be given to another.

the old man offered me a glass of wine from a dirty , cracked
cup...i could see his fragile , broken face as i looked
thru the glass...he was beautiful...god loves the broken
hearted...if the wine tasted like piss...then piss never
tasted so good...in his brokenness i was given the gift
of friendship.

some people never learn what is really important in life
until all is taken away...even then , most simply decide
to explore the wonderful world of bitterness...in the west
... we are taught that love is negotiable...and laying our
lives down for one another is insanity...yet this old cocksucker
had a sincere affection for me...in gods eyes his
kingdom probably covered half way across europe...i found
new jerusalem on his living room floor...and the insects
were no less than prize racing horses...the crumbs they
were carrying back to the holes in the fragmented , tattered
walls...chariots made of silver and gold...each with a bumper
sticker that read :"beware of the whore of babylon".

i said good-by to the kind , sad gent...he replied :''eeeee''...then
, as i walked away , i saw an old house cat that thought
he was a farm cat...(i know these things)...and i thought
to myself...he is probably not half as confused as the rest
of us ...he ate his spaghetti...i walked away to find some
more wine

chapter 9

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:16:00 +0000

i referred to the old man as ''cock sucker"...i must now
state that i meant that as a term of affection...its like
saying to some one : ''hey you , you ugly prick ''...or :
''your mother is a whore "...i mean...what would you want
out of a friendship anyway??? someone who loves you being
somewhat rude in his expression of his emotions...or the
most polite and politically correct relationship imaginable...yet
based totally upon what someone can get for themselves???

one of the zillion aspects of our society that allows us
to conclude that we are , in fact , ''rome before the fall
''...is that the heart of the individual is not
considered to be an important aspect in discerning what
friend is or is not supposed to be.

the cry went through the hills and the tar pits of our world
:"whats in it for me ?''...relationships are using the same
principal that prostitutes and their clients base their
interactions upon...one meets the needs of another...it
is returned with another form of stimulation...and everyone
is convinced that everyone is dealing with sincere individuals...in
fact , until one stops getting their needs met...all are
considered good and upright individuals.

the affliction which is being described here is narcissism...the
idea that ones personal pain only matters if they scream
so loud that it hurts your ears...the value of another is
only relative to what they can achieve...its why great hockey
players are considered great human beings...and the opinions
of shitty hockey players are not valid...only what brings
us some sort of gratification is worth while...and if the
biggest idiot in the history of the universe scores three
points a game...then people will listen

it is no wonder why true spirituality is virtually non-existent
in north america...the richness of the human heart is not
what the narcissist can feed upon...love does not achieve
self-centered goals...in fact , it doesnt even seek its
own way...it even goes so far as to lay its life down for
another...values that , in truth , the church , the political
forum and society in general disdain and even are quite
profoundly threatened by.

chapter 10

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:15:00 +0000

there i was on a hill... licking the sky like a calf ,
her mothers dancing communist tit...minding my own business...getting
drunk with the carpenters...when , for some reason , i began
to stare at the toaster...wondering if it could make toast
light , dark and in between... wanting to take a closer
look at this wonderful appliance...! picked it up with my
left hand and began to fondle it with the other...slowly
at first...then faster and faster...then i looked behind
it for a brief second...just to check out the plug...and
there it was...a human bone...it was a nice looking bone...i
dont want to give you the wrong impression...but i couldnt
help but wonder what it was doing behind a toaster...was
it for stirring soup??? for beating a drum??? one of the carpenters
identified it as a female human bone...maybe the murderer
only killed girls...i would have to stop wearing my dress
, i thought...i had another thought as well...lets get the
fuck out of here!!!

the road to freedom began the next day and took about three
or four hours...the two carpenters...who became both good
friends and drinking buddies-there is a difference-drove
me back to the place that i began my trek...not my mothers
womb but the other place...a street with cars going back
and forth and the occasional flashing lights...probably
just to remind me of home...i was away from the porous cobble
stones cradled by upheaved rock couched by brilliantly patient
hands and designed into homes where people hugged ... screwed
and ate really fine pasta...such wonderful people a i concluded...but
now i was free .

in my freedom , i lost all the structure that gave me stability
in a place where i really didn't have any...i was free indeed...horrible
, horrible freedom...which made me both confused and very
confused..and what do we do when we get what we long for and
find out it has nothing in common with what we need??? project all our neurosis
upon someone else so we , once again , can simulate some sort of
self worth...the truth is that i was afraid..and not
wanting to own those feelings...i felt the need to be pissed
off at others .

chapter 11

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:14:00 +0000

when i was nineteen years old i drove 240 miles one day
to take my girlfriend-a country gal-to see the box office
classic :"the elephant man''...i couldnt help but thinking
how beautiful she was in comparison...shit , she was beautiful
compared to anyone , really...the pain that he must have
had to have gone through...so different and so vulnerable...an
easy target , as he was a perfect display of how most feel
inside...to attack such a man would be to attack our own
fears...the fears that we attempt to hide like homosexual
feelings constantly being repressed into our blood stream
and pushed into the caverns of our souls...like the desire
to suck on a womans tit and pretend she is your mother nurturing
you in the way mom was supposed to yet never did .

''the elephant man''was a prophetic voice...revealing to us
the truth of our condition...how pathetic we really are...to
love such a man is the beginning of self love and discovery...to
despise him is to despise ones self...the judgment of god
is made manifest...to anyone with the wisdom to see it...and
with judgment is the possibility of healing...though this
road ls seldom embraced.

on the streets of the city of nice , i saw ''the elephant
man"...or at least one with the same affliction...his pain
i could actually feel 100 meters away...i wanted to take
his picture but my heart was too broken to lift the camera...when
i look out to the ocean i see my sadness...as i stare at
his broken , deformed , pulverized body i see my loneliness...yet
i am fully aware that this is not about merits... it is about someone
who will never be heard...and who probably has insights
that could cause the earth to shatter...he has seen what
the world is like when no one has anything at all to gain
by treating one with dignity...all by himself he has reduced
the human race to the very thing that most spend virtually
all their energy avoiding...reality...this man knows no
games of manipulation or of :"climbing the company ladder"...or
even of how to get fucked...he and his pain simply are...and
the rest of us have to deal with that .

at this time i felt god speak to me quite clearly...to the
train station i was supposed to go...quite specifically
, i was to meet someone in southern spain...this was his
will for me...yet as the trees and the villages passed by
the slightly dirt tainted window...i felt somewhat afraid...sort
of like i always do.

chapter 12

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:13:00 +0000

my new friend...who i refer to as my new special friend...was
named freddie...but i referred to him as froggie...not because
he was french...though he most certainly was...but because
he could jump really high and far...not that i ever saw
him jump at a11...he simply looks the type...you know ,
short stumpy legs that i am sure he was teased about all through
out grade school so he compensated by learning to jump really
really far.

froggie and i took the first night train we could find to
san sabastian in northern spain...we drank until we got
quite drunk...then , thank god , the train stopped long
enough for us to find some more beverages of an alcohol
content...we talked about the amazing lily pad that we refer
to as the universe...how big it is and how small we are
in comparison...or are we???
it is suggested that every point in the universe intersects
at every point that one could possibly imagine...therefore
it is quite possible that every truth that there is , not
only on a human level , but on an infinite scale that is
not only concerned with this dimension but possibly others
as well...is locked inside of who we are...ready and willing
to be embraced the moment that we stop resisting ourselves
and each other .

the resistance that i refer to is pride...that is , the
unwillingness of the conscious mind to accept the truth
of ones self as clearly stated in the subconscious mind...pride in essence , is afraid of the truth concerning ones self...forcing
it to hide and mutate into something even more destructive...as
it sees imperfection as its mortal enemy .

if the subconscious mind is not embraced , it will begin
to behave like an unloved child in fear of the truth being
found out about him...behavior will be erratic and even
uncontrollable...as the conscious mind so isolates its self
from the subconscious mind that it begins to loose even
the slightest understanding of why it is doing what it is
, in fact , doing...self justification , then , is the method
of perpetuating this process...while dancing with and even
copulating with its brother , pride...everything not only
begins to make sense and seem reasonable...but , at the
same time...they begin to form a new point of reference
to become the center of the universe...a new god if you
will...and it is referred to as : self.

inside the way of self...the two levels of mind no longer
have to understand each other...the truth that the subconscious
mind had to offer is now completely irrelevant...the conscious
mind has become completely self satisfied...and will dismiss
all opposition from now on...one of the benefits of being
a divinity.

and here enters the purpose of organized religion...if done
correctly...it can be used to justify anything...choose
the church that will help perpetuate the darkness within...it
is quite easy to find a clergy that will reinforce any neurotic
view that is conceivable within the context of the perversions
of the human mind...self righteousness is the perfection
of the church throughout the centuries...and the reason
is simply because...it makes money .

chapter 13

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:12:00 +0000

it was about four in the morning that froggie woke me from
my sleep...and he wasnt the kind of dildo that would wake
someone up just to tell him that he should be asleep either...indeed
not...froggie woke me to tell me something really important....that
he had drank my pint of rum...this did not bother me...what
did however was what followed...froggie proceeded to introduce
me to his new found drinking partner...this fellow looked
like a very nice fellow...but only because nice really means-
if you understand greek-ignorant and stupid-which would
have been his good qualities...this man was extremely dangerous...i
felt somewhat afraid and that i had lost control.

control is such an interesting thing...we all desire it
so much yet none of us have it...in fact , the closest
we can ever achieve is the illusion of control...that is
fucking ourselves around in our heads to such an extent
that we feel secure as a result of our own endeavors.

i once tried to help an old lady down a flight of stairs
with her groceries...she would not allow me to , however
, as she wanted to make sure that i did not attempt to take
her purse and run away laughing at her as i went...what
she failed to realize is that i could have waltzed up to
her , taken the purse out of her hands...shoved her lipstick
up her ass...crawled away on my knees...and there wouldnt
have been a thing that she could have done about it.

she did nothing to circumvent a potential situation...what
she did was create an illusion of control...passing on the
possibility of a new friendship simply so she could pretend
that she was safe .

i didnt fear too much over my friends new convict travel
companion...i truly believed that god would either protect
me or that i was destined for conflict...which meant that
fuck-face was probably going to be thrown off the train
into an unsuspecting patch of grapes...non-the-less...to
embrace reality is to feel completely insecure regarding
your safety within this universe...yet reality also points
to the existence of a god who , unlike us humans , is in
control...and ours is to just let it happen...to relax and
suck life in as it unfolds...knowing that there is a far
greater order to things than the disorder inside our heads.

chapter 14

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:10:00 +0000

it was seven in the morning when the train arrived at san
sabastian...they were piping classical music throughout
the streets... as if to cleans our souls of the sin of rock
and roll to begin the new day...i danced down the street
like a drunken member of the village people...not the cop
though...never the authority figure...i need acceptance
too much...i dont care if people think that i am gay...as
long as they know that i am not the law .

relating my dancing to life...isnt it strange that if we
dance one step , then every thing is fine...and if we dance
another...it isnt...fuck...its all dancing...why cant we
just dance the way we feel???

ultimately , people really dont care what is right wrong...they
care about what makes them feel comfortable...life is a
dance...you can do it in a way that is destructive as satan
with a hard-on...people dont really care...as long as they
can feel that they are familiar with the behavior...if they
are not...they will hate you .

it is my considered opinion that jesus christ caused more
shit raising people from the grave than he did telling religious
leaders to fuck themselves...everyone is used to the idea
of being told to fuck themselves...it is performing the
supernatural that we dont understand...it doesnt matter
if it is even too beautiful for words...it is different...hence
, people are terrified of it .

we are not as intelligent as we think we are...though humans
have come up with , from time to time , the most wonderful
ideas...the fact of the matter is that people generally
respond out of fear...the most demented and crippling of
emotions...which ultimately... makes us emotionally retarded...and
this is what rips our intellectual abilities into little
pieces...leading us into the direction of our extinction...not
our salvation...fear is the opposite of love...it cannot
produce life .

chapter 15

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:09:00 +0000

on the beach...just like neil youngs 1973 masterpiece...most
of us are simply like the waves... forever reaching into
the distant landscape...never embracing the destination...never
attempting to change...to find a better and different pathway...maybe
the water should give up the fight...accept itself for what
it is and rest in a state of gentleness and humility.

before i had my second nervous breakdown...i used to play this
very interesting party trick...i would have someone-anyone-
tell me the name of someone that they knew... and i would
tell them virtually every thing about them...of course,
always being right.

the reason that i did this was the same reason that homosexuals
come out of "the closet"...i wanted acceptance of my true
self...my gifts...my flaws...everything that i was within...
what i didn't realize was that... after six or seven correct
readings... people would perceive me as " jesus christ all
mighty"...i just wanted to be accepted as another ass hole...but
with a gift of profound intuition...this would not happen
however...so those who perceived me as god...had no alternative
but to despise me after i tried to fuck myself over.

the interesting thing about humility is that it is such
a rare commodity in our society that nobody has a point
of reference to deal with it once it manifests itself...the
fact of the matter is that people will project upon you
their own motives for doing what you are doing ...that is
... to talk about your gifts will be seen as some type of
power trip by those who are into power trips...some sort
of ass backward way of putting someone down... by those who
lust after the reputations of others...and so on...fuck...i
honestly just wanted to be accepted for who i was...to me
there was very little else going on...i dont even understand
how the possession of a gift makes someone a better or
more spiritual person anyway...i just wanted to stop hiding. .

chapter 16

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:08:00 +0000

as we meandered down the streets of san sabastian...we realized
that something was very wrong...it was difficult to discern
at first , but as the day licked its way into the noon hour
, froggy finally figured it out...it was salami and wine
time...(whenever i think of salami , i think of sex...my
first girlfriend would always eat german salami and cheap
cheese as she fidgeted with my nuts...i still dont know
why).

an old spanish blue hair troll-troll means dignified woman
in spanish-caressed her poodle on the park bench as we chewed
, drank and swallowed our noon time meal...i thought to
myself that she was rich...and maybe she would desire me
as her love slave...i could pretend that i was the poodle
and she could reward me with wine and cheese every day...i
could even learn how to crow like a poodle .

the problem with desire is that , if one truly desire something
enough , then there is a very good chance that one will
eventually get what one desires...this would be wonderful...yet
i have never met a human who actually knew what was good
for them...they function in life being consumed by two kinds
of grief...the grief of getting what one desires...and the
grief of not getting what one desires...both lead us to
emptiness...and , worse , attempting to perpetuate this
neurosis by filling ones self with more and more of the
same...around the mountain...like moses and his gang of
sluts throughout the wilderness...being driven by lust and
the quest to satisfy the lower nature...they were unable
to perceive the direction of their true salvation.

it is the spirit that knows all...whereas our mind and feelings
play tricks with the rest of our being...changing our goals
and our needs as the occasion deems fit...the spirit within
can actually hear from the spirit of god...guiding us into
a direction of truth and love and peace...leading us through
wonderful experiences along the way...experiences that we
were actually deemed to have had since the creation of the
universe...all necessary in terms of becoming fully and
completely human.

ultimately... it is love that must be lusted after...the
true healing thing in all circumstances...all else is a
deviation away from the ''true path''...love will never fail...it
will guide... protect and give what is needed...opposed to
what is believed to be needed.

chapter 17

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:07:00 +0000

froggy and l were in st. john de la luz...rum and coke is
such a beautiful thing...froggy had been informed that his
money supply was gone...i felt so badly for him that i gave
him the last sip of rum...he was to hop on the lily pad
of life back to the great white north...i slept with my
wallet in my underwear...just in case froggy was a thief...with
my luck he would be a homosexual thief...who likes to take
peoples underwear as well as their money.

someone once said that most people spend their lives living
in quiet desperation...hiding themselves from the world...afraid
of rejection at every corner...quite interesting , is it
not??? i mean , it is not until we are known for who we really are that we can actually experience acceptance...yet we
see our reputation as more important than the possibility
of love .

i assume that we dont see the possibility of real love as
very important...that status and money are what matters...funny
that...jesus said that some day all will be gone but faith
hope and love...yet we still dont see it as very significant.

first of all...who will succeed if they are known for who
they really are??? ! mean, what wife wants to hear from their
husband that they are a coward who would rather masturbate
than have sex with them??? that is , the brutality of honesty
doesnt seem to work.

to begin with... not too many people are smart enough to
realize that , if their husband was honest...it would mean
that they have one of the few alive...they would only compare
them with the status quo and conclude that they got fucked
on the deal...i! mean...an honest person looks like the worst
the lot...if you dont play the game...you lose .

i am indeed aware that the easy answer for building walls
around us is pride...god knows we are all full of it...yet
pride is too easy...and everyone knows that we all desire
to consider our selves better than the next person...fuck
it...life is more complicated than that , anyway...honesty
convicts us...and no one will say other wise...virtually
all have their wallet some where between their cock and
underwear...the only difference is...mine aint metaphoric...god
bless froggy...i am just paranoid...i know that the little
fucker wouldnt steal from me... he is too drunk to think of
it anyway .

chapter 18

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:05:00 +0000

maybe i am not as intelligent as i think i am...however...if
there are two courtesy packages of shampoo in the washroom
and one person has taken both of them...does not that mean
that he received more shampoo than the other person??? indeed
, froggy took my shampoo...the math suggests as much...thank
god i have my grade six education.

i wonder sometimes how we are seen from heaven...do the
honest look rich...even though they may be poor??? does your
hair still shine...even though the shampoo that you washed
with is stolen from a clergy man??? it is my considered opinion
that what we see with our eyes...what we smell with our
noses...has nothing to do with the real state of this cosmic
thing that we refer to as earth.

if , in fact , god is who he claims to be...and is spirit
, at least in essence...then we have to conclude that spirit
is more real than flesh...that we are living in the shadow
of something more real than...probably we could ever imagine...
maybe everything around us is a reflection of who we are
inside...maybe , at times , riches of this earth is no more
than a curse...seen through spiritual eyes as a trap that
one falls into to isolate one from the true meaning of
life...love and relationships with each other...at times
,maybe being poor is gods blessing...having mercy
upon us to such an extent that he doesnt allow things to
wedge themselves in between us and those who we are supposed
to be in love with.

i watch and confess even the slightest negativity that i
have towards my fellow humans...i believe that my energy
will take me on a path and lead me into a direction that
is congruent with who i am...not who i think i am...nor
who i convinced others that i am...my true self demands
to find a path that it is familiar with...and it doesnt
give a shit if my mind and intellect are aware of its reality
or not .

chapter 19

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 18:01:00 +0000

for whatever reason...i took the first train in the morning
back to nice...i wanted to escape home.

the train rolled down the tracks as the spanish wine rolled
down my throat...tickling my tongue , washing the strong
swiss cheese as i consumed it as the world consumes innocence...why
was i so scared??? and why does being scared scare me so
much???

the problem with being an abused child is that one believes
the abuse one suffered is , in fact , real in nature and
essence...it aint...only love is real...therefore , all
darkness that comes against us is a lie...and the rejection
that physical and emotional abuse represent...lies.

the beautiful truth about us all is that we are priceless
and loved by god...however , the normal human psychology
is consumed with untruths regarding its place in the universe...and
it is a response to these lies which usually wins out .

the result is that almost the entire world and its personalities
are based on lies...what people do , feel and say are not
founded upon any thing but anger , hurt and pain and such...meaning
, therefore , when the world comes to an end...and all that
is left is what is true and real...virtually nothing will
remain .

there is no hell in the traditional sense of the word...jesus
was referring to a place outside the city of jerusalem where
the garbage was burned...the concept that we are so familiar
with is simply instigated by religious authorities to control
the masses...the truth of the matter is that , come the
end , only what ls done in love will survive...all else
is gone forever...words , people , beliefs and incidents.

i did not overcome my fears...instead, concluded that they
werent me...they were lies to destroy a valuable part of
who i was and who l was meant to become...they were voices
from my childhood...lies told me by an insane person...i
accepted them as such...discerned them from my true self...and
bought myself a big fucking bottle of cheap french wine...time
to look at some more beautiful french tits.

chapter 20

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:59:00 +0000

tits are such an interesting thing...their absence suggests
innocence , purity and the desire for awakening...in the
context of a pornography movie they are an entity onto themselves...upon
the body of an old sagging lady...they are a joke...something
that is humorous...sickening even...anything...that helps
us from dealing with the reality of their existence.

on my journey to paradise-to be explained later-i was to
behold two pubescent twelve year old girls , swimming with
their bathing suits...possibly in the laundry...maybe not
existent...they seemed free to be who they were...the fear
of their progressing sexual development seemed to allude
them...and this concept seemed so foreign to me.

it is not our bodies that are sinful , nor is it our dark
nature , in a sense...the horror is in the self hatred and
fear that we have for our true identities.

to actually accept our selves as we are is the greatest
gift that one can receive in this life time...it means that
we truly have found the heart of god and have embraced
it.

we fear being physically exposed because we fear being emotionally
and spiritually exposed...and it is in the root of this
fear that we find self hatred...fear blocks out the light
of gods love...until we discover the value of nudity...in
every respect...we cannot find the grace of god.

the children played freely...and i must admit that i embraced
the moment...without any concept of sexual thought , that
is...i saw , not the ideal of freedom...yet the possibility
of finding that beautiful path...shame on any one who would
see the splendid joy of their bodies as a means of self
gratification...surely truth is far from such an individuals
heart .

chapter 21

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:58:00 +0000

the beautiful thing about sleeping on a park bench is that
it is not only air conditioned...but its also free...and
if you have to take a piss...you just have to open your
zipper and let it go...especially if you got a big cock...i
dont want to brag...but i hit the stray cat between the
eyes...and he was six or seven feet away from me.

it was about four in the morning that i awoke to the sound
of drunk teenagers...they were singing in french over my
sunken body...i assume it was french anyway...it sure as
hell wasnt english , and we were in france... a good looking lad named pierre pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and
offered it to me...i still remember the words he said :
''want a cigarette ?''...so profound for a young man...i told
him that i didnt smoke.

its strange how significant things seem so insignificant
at the time...and visa versa...words and actions are only
a reflection of what is really going on in a particular
circumstance...sometimes an accurate reflection...usually
not...what is important is the spiritual dynamic behind
the moment...that is to say...is the event inspired by love .

a small act of love is forever...it transcends time , space
and everything else that can be transcended...this is opposed
to, lets says , musical awards show...where someone is getting
reconized just because people are stupid enough to think
bullshit is great just because flies seem to like it .

a dollar given out of love , in terms of eternity , is greater
than a billion given out of selfish ambition...that moment
of being awoke from my sleep by a gang french ambassadors
was the result of something real at work...it will be with
me long after i am dead...long after telling tanya that
i loved her , in grade ten , so i could get a hand-job...is
burned into ashes and removed from this universe forever.

( if anyone ever tells you that : ''you cant take it with
you ''...ask them politely what the fuck they mean by ''it''...personally
, i spend every second of my life nurturing and cultivating
''it''...because taking ''it''with me is what life is all about).

chapter 22

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:57:00 +0000

the next day i decided to find myself some more appropriate
sleeping quarters...maybe even with a bed...having coffee
at the hotel i met a middle aged man who came over to my
table and sat with me...he was american and wanted to talk
about american things...baseball and such...within minutes
we made a connection and decided to embrace the city that
night together.

its fucking awful never having had a father...you keep looking
for a replacement for the rest of your life...then once
you have achieved some level of enlightenment you become
somewhat aware that you will never find such a man...yet
you still continue to look...in spite of yourself...the
inner frustration is considerable...information of eternal
consequence...has eternal pain attached to it.

even three year ago , i would have let him fuck me around
for the rest of the evening...this...person...wasnt interested
in me...he was interested in writing a novel about all the
people that he met during his european vacation...i was
just another chapter...within fifteen minutes i realized
that my hopes of finding acceptance was gone...in two hours
i was completely aware that this guy probably , like most
people , had never really loved anyone in his life...i looked
at him and said good-by .

healing never consists of being freed of our hurt...we always
seem to deal with that for the rest of our lives...what
healing is , however , is being aware of our neurosis...even
to the point of looking down at it from above...being aware
of it fully...then making the correct decision regardless
of our inclinations.

i roamed the streets of nice alone that night...then sat
on my balcony and drank the night away...i looked at the
french skies and thought to myself...it doesnt matter if
my father beat me half silly...god loves me for who i am...what
is left of me...and that is all that matters .

chapter 23

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:54:00 +0000

another day...another train ride...this time to cap di...a
small town just outside of nice...thirty miles from the
italian border...it was where i spent my time on a park
bench , actually...but this day its first class...the youth
hostel...complete with beds and windows...and walls to put
the windows in.

cap di is , in fact , paradise...on the french riviera...looking
out to the clear light blue waters of the sea ... the waves touching the shore like a mother caressing
her child.

come night i was introduced to a young dutch boy...and we
spent the rest of the evening with a bottle of rum between
us.

the beautiful thing about having a bottle of rum between
yourself and another is that , if drank in proper volume...then
there is a great possibility that nothing else will be between
you...booze simply helps us to say the things that we usually
cant .

there are not many people alive that are actually honest
in word and deed...our brain has a strange habit of filtering
out the true essential part of who we really are...and it
does so for a good reason...people will judge us...hurt
us...even kill us , if the truth be known.

love , then , can be alcohol in its purest form...love can
lower our resistance to our true identities...no longer
because we are too stupid to keep them up...but because
we are now in safe hands and we feel that there is trust...where
, in normal circumstances , there could be only fear and
paranoia.

i dont think that too many people have actually experienced
the state of not being afraid...and as a result , they never
took the chance to find out if they were loved or not...so
, in reality , they led a quiet normal life...dying to be
accepted...but never taking the chance of finding out if
acceptance was a possibility.

chapter 24

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:52:00 +0000

every day would begin with a two hour walk and prayer...attempting
to mend and heal this person that i have become...it was on
day two , i believe , in my stay at cap di...that i suddenly
had an acute revelation of what i had recently been through...
after a four year battle with depression and a three year
battle with post dramatic stress disorder...i , in 1999
, attempted suicide and spent three days in a coma-like
situation...fuck...it seems so clear to me now how horrible
that time was in my life...for the first time i feel that
it is far enough away from me that i can really take a close
look at what actually happened...there seems to be nothing
to do but cry .

i am not ashamed of what tried to do to myself...people
judge people that have been in my situation out of fear
and pride...to have been rejected and beaten since the day
i was born was easy for me to overcome...unlike any other
person that i have ever met , in fact...two dozen fatal
afflictions...learning disabilities...my brother disowning
me then dying...broken relationships and lovers betrayal
, etc...it was just shit that had to be overcome...fuck
it...it didnt matter...it was what happened to me in the
confines of institutionalized religion that caused me to
lose myself fully and completely...i believed in organized
religion , and it saw me as a means to an end...when i didnt
produce...they took away my life.

its so easy to kill people when you dont believe them to
be human...and thats what we do to each other...we dehumanize
...so we can destroy...it is commonly referred
to as narcissism...and it aint healthy .

i completed my walk and then ate a pizza with some friends
that i had met the day before...my tears were dry and it
was time to enjoy france with some really interesting folk...indeed
, the more of pain that you have seen...the more that life
can be enjoyed .

chapter 25

noreply@blogger.com (Stuart Strang) — Thu, 26 May 2011 17:51:00 +0000

moving right along...like kermit the frog in the muppet
movie...only different...i begin to think about the concept
of sin...do you know the only thing worse than being a sinner???it
is thinking yourself not to be a sinner.

i dont 1ie...i dont betray...i dont even touch the bodies
of girls , unless i feel that i love them and that it could
develop into something special...the
point here is that i have lived a life of loving the best
way i possibly could...and have been despised for it by
gods wonderful servants .

only if i had a secret...if only i had fucked the bishops
wife...or daughter...then maybe i could have justified the
way the church has treated me over the years...and i wouldnt
have tried to kill myself...no shit...i had my nervous breakdown
the moment that i became aware the world was totally unfair...and
that i had done nothing to deserve all the hatred that i
had received from the church .

ironic , eh ? ,my love for people is what eventually almost
killed me...i couldnt believe that one could be so innocent
and still be so hated...im not so innocent any more , unfortunately...i
do things that i would have never have done in the time
that i was accused of being the anti-christ...but i am wise
now...so my pain is my own...my hurtful behavior-though
very insignificant-is between me and those that i trust...i
havent yet lied...but i wouldnt put it past me.

indeed , we are our experiences...and that is why we cannot
judge others...we dont really know what they have been through...and
we certainly cant tell if they are trying to deal with their
hurt or not...judgment is not a gift that any one of us
have...if we cant accept a behavior...then we should get
out of the way...but only god knows the state of the heart.