Live to the Point of Tears

14 day trip - Turkey & Cyrpus

2013-04-08T16:58:00.002-06:00

Needy

2013-04-08T16:58:00.000-06:00

I have a problem with being needed.

People.
Projects.
Pets.

They all need things from me and for whatever reason I respond by pushing away what needs me the most.

I recognized a few weekends ago that I especially attract broken needy people. People who walk past me and verbally / emotionally throw up, leaving their mess in my hands, no apology, or rag to clean up with.

Work has been doing a lot of the same. I create the need for my knowledge and people bring their broken businesses, relationships, and projects to me. I'm happy to dole out expertise but I start to feel suffocated when they beg,

"Please fix me. Please fix this."

I can't help but mentally respond,

"I'm not your Savior! Please don't ask this of me."

Yet it keeps happening and so I wonder if I'm not, some how, attracting this to me and therefore have a lesson I"m supposed to learn.

I'm at the beginning of peeling back these layers, but this much I do know, this is how I FEEL when these forays into my private personal space are breeched:

Fear - don't get too close, I don't know you, like you or trust you
Flight / Fight - I really do want to run and if you won't let me, you better be prepared for a fight
Suffocation - All mental clarity flees and I find myself in a stupor, an inability to see, feel, or find the path forward.

Thankfully I don't feel this towards those already in my sphere, probably because those there have already proven themselves worthy of the privilege. Everyone else is suspect and are not yet through the approval process.

Ugh.... I have issues.

14 Day - Italia

2013-01-30T17:07:00.003-07:00

The Trevi Fountain

My favorite iconic Rome-ness

The cruise started in Italy just outside of Rome (yeah!) so we hoofed it through two very long flights to make it to the most fabulous city in the world.

One of the perks of traveling during the off season are crowdless streets and cold rainy days. I'm happy to say that Mark and I were able to quickly orient ourselves despite our jet lag and spend a great day and a half exploring the city before the cruise.

As we began and ended our trip in Rome, I'll lump the pictures together. We're exhausted, cold, tired and amazed both times, they were just 14 days apart.

Crazy-awesome altars in random cathedrals in Rome. Like we literally found this trying to get out of the rain.

St. Peter's Basilica. Remember this grandeur when I show you Jerusalem.

The Altar at St. Peter's

La Pieta

Michelangelo's best work in my opinion.

Lots of nudes in the Vatican. Ah vows of celibacy...

One night Mark and I wandered the streets of Rome. These were statues guarding the Tiber River. We're so boring in Provo. Seriously.

Fontana de Trevi at night.

I ate equal amounts of gelato despite the time of day we were there.

Ya know. Just the Colesseum.

No big deal.

More Vatican nudes. Though this one had a lot more to offer than most...

The Pantheon.

When we went inside Mark looked around and exclaimed, "Shut up!"

Not at me. The architecture.

The ceilings at the Vatican Museums.

I have a project for Mark now that we're home.

My sweet guy.

Fortress on the Tiber.

Notice the walkways where the water meets the wall. When we came back two weeks later the river was flooding half way up the walls!

The Sistine Chapel.

What was people consider Michelangelo's best work.

Psh.

The Roman Forum. At an angle.

You know you've been in Europe for too long when all the ruins start to look the same.

Except this one. It was still awesome.

Comfort cozy carbs on a cold cold day.

The beach is that way...

14 Day Tour - Part 1

2013-01-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like trips always sneak up on me, which is surprising since I spend SO much time dreaming and wishing and hoping about those trips.

This trip I've been waiting for for 5 years. I first saw it on TravelZoo.com and almost went countless times between then and now, but I always felt hesitant, like the time wasn't right.

A year and a half ago when Mark and I first met a similar deal came up again and we about jumped on it. It was strange how comfortable I felt at the thought of traveling alone with someone I barely knew and so far in advance as well (6 whole months in the future). Thankfully we didn't take the trip (and temptation) and decided to get married instead.

Thus I didn't feel too badly when in July of last year (a year from when we had originally talked about going) a 12 day cruise to Italy, Turkey, Cyprus, Israel, and Eqypt popped up for $429 pp I didn't discuss with my newly minted husband whether we should go or not, I just bought the tickets and told him we were going.

Sweet guy.

And so we've been waiting since July to explore the Mediterranean together. We've given the excuse that this is Christmas, his birthday, Valentines, and our Anniversary all rolled up together.

And so without further adieu, I give you our boring slide reel of photos, stories, and exploits as we cruised the Med for 2 weeks.

Enjoy / Eat your hearts out! ;)

Holiday Hashings

2012-12-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Now I get it friends, now I get it.

THIS is why you always wanted and prodded and pushed and hoped I would get married. So I could be so very very happy.

Time literally flies when you're loved and busy living to love someone else. I'm convinced.

I'm SO grateful for the past year and lessons I've learned, lived through, and experienced with the love of such a good man. I highly recommend having a good man, if you have done so yet.

Because we've been MIA on the blog, allow me to reiterate this year's top accomplishments, activities, and accolades:

We got MARRIED! (isn't this enough for one year's achievements?! I should stop here. Picts here, here, here, here, and here)
Mark successfully executed his first year of running a multimillion dollar cycling shop.
I started two businesses: Your Marketing Therapy and Marketing2Marriage
We bought a Hyundai! (for a Jeep girl like me and a Truck boy like Mark, buying a sedan IS an accomplishment)
We wanted to sleep at night so we became home to yet another cat. Now they BOTH keep us up at night.
We unsuccessfully went camping in Captiol Reef (no more tents and air mattresses for us) and successfully double hauled a boat and a camper to Flaming Gorge.
Mark graduated from UVU in something he will never actually do, but he did get an A- in Statistics, his final nemesis. He's a smarty pants.
Mark built a storage area in the garage. Having a handy man around the house is so very convenient. And this storage space saved our marriage from cluttered ruin.
10 months in to marriage and we finally have a budget. Maybe.
We got an Amazon.com Prime membership.

Seriously I had to work to come up with that list. Could you tell? Marriage has certainly satiated my need for adventure and constant entertainment. Starting two businesses and Mark finishing school has also sucked up all of our time. So, I'm pleased to announce we have entered the world of BORING married folk.

Have no fear though. In 15 short days we will be heading out on a 3 week trip to Europe and the Mediterranean. I'm sure SOMETHING interesting will happen while we're out there.

We'll keep you posted. Or maybe not. ;)

Costco and SEX in dating

2012-11-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower last week and had a startling epiphany about sex and Costco's business practices.

Can you guess what it is?

Hopefully you've picked up by now that my spin on dating advice comes from a different angle than the standard "dating expert." I, in fact, do not claim to be a dating expert, I'm a marketing expert. And in business, marketing is what gets the product moved. And you, my dear single friends, are products to be moved. Nothing personal.

Okay now that you've had a second to think about what Costco could possibly have to do with sex in dating, I invite you to think about the last time you were in a Costco.

Likely a Saturday?
Likely the hoards were combing the isles for bulk purchases.
But what were you really there for?

Imagine with me that you're approaching a crowded section of the isle. The masses are congregating around a small table with someone in a hair net offering something for others to try. You casually saunter by, sizing up the offering, the competition hovering. You deftly maneuver your cart and in one swift move you grab the last hot sample (likely away from the clutches of an unsupervised child).

So what does this have to do with dating, let alone SEX in dating?

Notice the size of the sample. By partaking of it's bite-sized goodness was your hunger for the product satiated or did it increase?

You see Costco, and now hundreds of grocery stores who follow suit, has perfected the marketing principle of giving a sample size small enough to peak interest, but not so large as to satiate hunger - or NEED for the product.

Have you ever been given a sample of a full sized product at Costco? A full corn dog, slice of pie, cup of soup, or side of brisket? NEVER!

Yet what do we do in dating - especially women? We satiate the hunger for physical connection by going to far. We give away the full product!

Going back to Costco for a second, you know when you try that sample whether you want more of it or not. Remember those times you've joined that child and gone back for seconds. You also remember those times you looked around for the closest garbage can to toss the foul sample away.

The same principle applies in dating. You know with a simple kiss if you want to go back for more. You also know with that simple kiss if you want to be finding an exit as quickly as possible.

Throwing more on the table over the course of dating diminishes the value of the product. If you could get a sample that was the entire product, would you ever buy it? Maybe... but business experts agree that offering a sample to tempt, not to satisfy, is KEY to driving purchases.

An option vs A choice

2012-11-05T11:47:00.002-07:00

I had a chat with a dear single friend this weekend who was confused by a guy texting her, but not really doing anything else.

No calls.
No dates.
Just "keeping tabs" on her.

I hated to do it but I had to break it to her: he's just keeping you around as an option.

To all of you who wonder why nothing is happening with that guy or gal who keeps popping in and out of your life, they are keeping you around as an option. A nice warm thought when loneliness, or rejection (likely from the person they're calling and dating) strike.

I once had that experience with a guy who was actually honest about it and I chose not to be a participant in the ridiculousness.

Why not? Isn't it nice to be thought of? To be a lead in someone elses sales pipeline?

No. For one simple reason: You want someone who CHOOSES you, not someone who considers you an option.

If someone truly wanted to get to know you, they'd do something about it. Consistently and boldly. If they started out all about you, then disappeared and then started the random outreach, EVEN MORE REASON TO RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Don't allow someone to dabble with your heart.

Acceleration

2012-09-06T21:54:00.000-06:00

We're not dead.

I promise.

Life is just accelerating.

Really fast.

Past us in a blur.

Of stress and exhilaration.

Exciting things coming for me and my honey!

As soon as we're able, we'll tell the tale.

Sassy Bridals

2012-09-03T13:55:00.001-06:00

Forgive me as I'm experimenting with making movies from our wedding photos.

I think the music for this one goes well, don't you?

Opposition

2012-08-14T21:42:00.000-06:00

It's been a little over a month since I made the grand move of jumping into creating my own business and pursuing the big bad world of self employment. During that time there's been a surprising amount of opposition to what I'm doing. But it might not be in the ways I've typically thought of as opposition.

When I think of the word "opposition" I think of negative things:

storms billowing overhead
attacks on character by a very large, powerful, horrifying company
arguments
differing points of view
people calling your baby ugly

Ok maybe not that last one. But maybe that second one happened.

Rarely do we think of opposition coming in the form of positive things:

pregnancy
loving friends and family
career opportunities

For the record the first option has not happened. But the last option has.

When I leaped I didn't think I'd get caught in the enticing web of being sucked back into the wonderful corporate world of stability, 401ks, steady income, and 2 weeks paid vacation.

Doesn't sound so bad, right? Right. Which is why I'm seriously considering a way that this doesn't have to be an "either / or" scenario, but more of an "and" scenario.

It all comes down to figuring out what I want now and in the long run rightnow.

Inthismuchtimebecausethesepeopleliketomakedecisionsreallyquickly.

Prayer, happy vibes, and well-intentioned advice welcome!

Fan Club

2012-07-27T14:41:00.004-06:00

Here's a big thanks to all you wonderful friends and your encouragement as I've embarked on this adventure of starting my own business. I'm humbled by your belief in me. Who knew I had such a raving fan club?

The biggest thanks goes to my sweet husband. Good days, bad days, and every day in between he's been my stoic rock. He doesn't flower me with encouraging words he just says it like it is,

"This is your thing babe. You will be successful at it."

He has absolute confidence in me that drives me to want to prove him right. His trust and confidence will not be misplaced. I will be successful at this.

To learn more about what I'm doing visit my other blog: yourmarketingtherapy.blogspot.com.

Brave & Bold

2012-07-16T10:06:00.001-06:00

Source: quotes4all.net via Beth on Pinterest

"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today is my first day in self employment. After 13 years in corporate marketing I've decided to break out and start my own thing. The past couple of months I knew this day would eventually come and now that it has I feel a sorted blend of calm and terror.

In honor of this transition my Eli Kirk family gave me a beautiful Cambodian bracelet that says, "Brave." Mark and I then saw the Disney movie of the same title this weekend.
I might have cried during it.

Change is scary, but not changing and growing is terrifying.

Look for more details and information soon, but in the mean time check out my Marketing Therapy ramblings at yourmarketingtherapy.blogspot.com and like my business' Facebook page.

BBD Syndrome

2012-07-09T11:40:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine texted me this morning looking for advice she could send a friend of hers who is struggling with BBD syndrome. For those of you not in the know BBD is acronym used in the single scene to describe those always looking for the bigger, better deal. As I scrubbed my blog archives for something that could help this person, I realized nothing would adequately fit and flare for this topic, so I decided to address it directly.

What is BBD?

Bigger, better, deal syndrome appears simple on the outside: you date someone but wonder if there could be something bigger or better for you out there then what's in front of you now. This is not a syndrome reserved for dating alone! This is actually a common consumer problem we come across in marketing and can apply to work, to fashion, to friends, and even to furniture.

Marketers LOVE those who are caught in this BBD syndrome. I loved a recent commercial from Best Buy about this very problem in our marketplace full of bigger and better deals.

We as consumers are BOMBARDED with options for something bigger and better all day every day. So in this setting it becomes really difficult to just freaking make a choice about anything, let alone choosing someone to settle down with.

Seek first to understand.

The core of BBD is pride. Always wanting and expecting something better because somehow we're ENTITLED to it. We deserve a hotter partner, a finer living room, a bigger car, a higher paying job, etc etc etc.

And so we sit there across the proverbial table taking in the option across from us and wonder, "Is this the best deal I can get?"

I'll answer this with a story from "Car Talk." Yep. That NPR, Saturday morning talk show where people call in with car questions.

A few months ago a caller called in with a question about relationship longevity as it related to the relationship longevity one had with their cars. He found within his family that those who were always "trading up" for the BBD in cars, found themselves looking and feeling the same way toward their spouse.

"If I look within my family, those who are always getting new cars are divorced. Sometimes several times over. While those who are willing to stick it out with the same car, fixing it up, driving it till it dies, are in marriages well over 25 years. And there are several friends and family this applies to!" - to roughly quote.

The "Car Talk" hosts were taken aback by this comparison and couldn't help but see the correlations. If you're never happy with what you have in one area of life, how could that attitude NOT spill over to other aspects of your life?!

Three steps to overcoming BBD.
With this knowledge in hand - understanding that human nature is to always be looking for the better deal, that our society promotes this behavior, yet the root of this behavior is pride and no living thing can thrive in that environment - let's address actions to be taken.

Kill the pride you are looking at others with. You are not the best product there is. Take a turn on the other side of the table and apply the attitude you look at others with to you. You are not perfect (even if by some standards you appear to be). If you need hands-on experience here, try going out with someone you would deign as "out of your league" and spend your evening trying to prove yourself to them. You'll find fairly quickly that it isn't any fun.

Prioritize needs. Dating and shopping can get complicated really fast. What used to be "good enough" no longer is. We artificially inflate what is most important. Like going from needing shoes on our feet to needing shoes with 6 inch platforms. Get back to the basics of what's really important and you might be surprised at how many people there are out there you've been overlooking because of the BBD haze your head is caught in.

Practice being happy with "good enough." Identify areas of your life where you're ok with "good enough" and apply those feelings to other situations. Including dating. Note: good enough isn't settling. Good enough is about knowing what's needed to get needs met. You don't always have to have steak for dinner. Sometimes mac n' cheese is good enough.

At the end of the day BBD is really about self protection. Yet one more defense mechanism we use to keep ourselves "safely" alone.

Dream Hangover

2012-07-03T15:24:00.002-06:00

This morning I was awoken to crazy cats running across our bed. I somehow herded them (get it! herding cats!) out of our room so we could sleep in relative peace.

I should have known better. I always have the WEIRDEST dreams when I fully wake and go back to sleep. Technically they're called hypnogogic dreams as that's the phase of sleep you're in when you dream.

Anyway. I had a dream that somehow Mark and I were in a movie with crappy Kristin Stewart of the awful, very bad, and terrible movies from the Twilight series. And more recently that crappy Snow White movie. Mark hates her and up to this point I was just mildly annoyed by her. Yet in this dream my sweet guy someone got sucked into her hipster / indie crappy self and fell in love with her! My heart literally broke in my dream. In pain I would wake for a moment, roll over and see my hubby by my side, and then fall back asleep, into a variation of the twisted world I had just escaped!

My new arch rival. I want to pound her face in.

Three times this happened and three times I woke up and saw that it was just a dream. But the last time it happened, it hurt the worst and when I woke up I had to shake Mark awake just to make sure he wasn't going to run off with her.

He was confused, of course, and disturbed at such a suggestion.

"Baby, she doesn't pass my first test. She's hideous."

"Hmph, well you don't know what she's like in person!" was my I'm-not-your-psycho-wife reply.

and the conversation continued all morning like that.

In the end he pitifully kissed me on the forehead and left for work with me yelling behind him, "Don't leave me for crappy Kristin Stewart today!"

I swear if I ever meet her in person... she better watch out!

White Knight

2012-06-19T13:23:00.000-06:00

I'm getting ready for two presentations this week about my content for my marketing / dating program. One of the things I feel passionately about - as it relates to both of those topics - is "White Knight" syndrome.

As a marketer who's sole job it is to sell one product - yourself - you need to feel passionately about that product. In business we call that "eating your own dog food," the willingness to buy and use your own product. In dating I often see the opposite of this attitude: waiting for someone or something to come along and SAVE you from yourself.

Not only is this attitude destructive, if you think about it, it's quite silly.

Imagine with me, as much as my husband loves me could he do any of the following FOR me?

lose weight
work hard at my job
be emotionally stable

While he may influence those decisions, he can't do them for me.

The reality of life and marriage is that while I do enjoy waking up next to Mark, I still wake up to myself. And if I don't like the person I am, there's no amount of love that Mark can pour on me to convince me otherwise.

So, single and married friends alike. Step 2 to Productizing yourself is to like what you are. To be content with it. To embrace it and feel passionately about it. And if you can't feel that way, start the process to do so.

Because if YOU wouldn't buy what you're selling, why should anyone else?

Morning Rituals

2012-06-14T09:50:00.000-06:00

I talk about my morning scripture study a lot here and how it sets the tone for my day. I read an article this morning from Fast Company that validated my actions and added a few other recommendations for things your should do be breakfast.

I'm excited to start putting these more to work in my life:

reading sacred texts
running / exercising
writing
being strategic
being artistic
being strategic or artistic with people you love (husband, children)

The author also advises to take one of these things and introduce them into your life until it feels like you've missed something if you haven't done it. I can absolutely tell a difference in how I feel if I don't execute things from my morning routine like brushing my teeth, showering, or saying my morning prayers. And I think that's the point. I also think it isn't about waking up earlier either. I think it's about being strategic with our time instead of just sliding into our work days.

A few things I do before breakfast:

Writing - My mind has a lot flowing through it in the morning. If I don't write in my journal, I usually write here. I'll shortly be adding writing my book on dating to this list.
Strategy - Afternoons are the time for listless doing, not strategic thinking. I get my big ideas out in the morning with actionable steps to do in the afternoon.
Exercise - After work I find the need to purge my stress - usually in the form of yoga or a long bike ride. In the morning I need something fast and simple to do to jump start my energy and metabolism. Running or Nike's Training Center App are my go to's.
Be Inspired - I listen to podcasts from inspirational sources while I'm doing my hair and makeup. I love business authors, TEDtalks, Dan Miller, Dave Ramsey, Zig Zigglar, and the likes. Podcasts are free and usually get updated once a week. Mixing things up keeps me engaged and introduced new ways to think about things while my mind starts to de-fuzz from sleep.

These things aren't hard to do, nor take that much time to do. We're not talking hours here, we're talking minutes of focus. And this is coming from a person who is absolutely NOT a morning person.

What kinds of things do you do in the morning?

Boomerang

2012-06-13T11:09:00.002-06:00

July 2010 - alone on Cannon Beach

I was reading through some old posts today and came across those I had written from my time off the summer of 2010. Man I had some big dreams brewing! However, the timing was off and God asked me to put those on the back burner until I pursued more important things - like getting married.

It's crazy to see how much my life has changed since that time, how I have moved forward on the course I was directed to take and now I wake up to a burly man every morning who covers me in kisses before heading to work for the day. I'm very blessed to be sure.

What's interesting, though, is how the ideas and grand plans I dreamed of during my time off have come back full force. During the summer of 2010 I offered my career on the altar, walked away with a heavy, if not trusting heart, and now I'm being brought back to it with a greater purpose and perspective in mind - that of building a career I can take into Motherhood.

What's been going on you way ask? Well:

Marketing + Dating

This month I have two speaking engagements for my system "Moving the Product - a Marketer's Guide to Dating."
I'll be testing the content over the summer and hopefully will be self publishing my system this Fall.

Marketing Therapy

This month I started a Marketing Therapy business that just this last week has been absorbed into my current agency as a product that I get to offer through them to small business owners.
I also get to continue to advise companies as their outsourced Director of Marketing.
In addition to this I have the opportunity to advise small businesses generally through my online radio program: Marketing Therapy - The Marketing cures for what ails your business.

I'll post content from these sessions starting in the coming months

It's crazy (and not) how by following the whisperings and letting time define priorities, that it's all come back to me 100 fold!

Shortly I'll be starting a blog specific to some of these ventures. Look for those soon!

March 2012 - on my honeymoon - final stop at Cannon Beach

Man crush

2012-06-07T15:59:00.000-06:00

I started noticing it on our honeymoon. The staring. The checking out. The sizing up.

Everywhere we went men were checking out my husband!

I'm a very capable wing-"man" and have shared the spotlight with many females - noticing and letting them know when men couldn't help but stare at them. It's natural and expected.

So you can imagine my confusion when obviously hetero guys were gawking at my obviously (ring on, fingers entwined with mine) hetero man.

And then it became apparent: men lust after my husband's facial hair. Specifically his beard. Mark hasn't really cut his hair or trimmed his beard since we got married. So take the relatively full beard he had when we got married and add 3 months of growth on it and you have the formula for a beard men of all ages, nationalities, creeds, and persuasions crave!

Appreciate the progression with me:

baby face! I can't believe how different he looks with no beard, short hair, and pre-marriage weight.

Ah my sweet new hubby face. Nicely trimmed yet still full. Yummy.

Don't mind the unibomber through-the-tent-screen picture here.

You can't really tell but his beard is nearly an inch long and his hair is a wild bush tamed only by hats and very expensive hair products.

Making Deposits

2012-06-04T14:57:00.001-06:00

Source: dangshefine.stockphotosweb.com via Mandee on Pinterest

Often in life we define our success by certain standards. Any of these sound familiar?

Annual salary
Weight
Home size
Child's success (reading, sports, careers)
Friend coolness (if you're a hipster)
Calling in church (if you're the Mormon kind)
How great your knitting is (if you're the knitting kind)

That last one, maybe not so much.

Nevertheless, most adults struggle with knowing when they've achieved success that isn't somehow related to a pay check. I blame school for this since we're set up to know how we're succeeding in life and have a way to obviously measure that every 3-4 months.

I've been listening to a true gentleman, Dan Miller, on his weekly podcasts. He is a life coach who focuses specifically in finding your life calling and actually doing that as a career instead of slogging your way through life being miserable for that crappy pay check (no matter how large or small).

In a podcast this week he discussed how when we suffer setbacks in our careers that it's easy for us to feel like a popped balloon suddenly deflated. In times like those, he says, we should focus on making deposits of success in each aspect of our lives, not just the obvious one of work.

In Dan's wheel of life there are 7 spokes:

Career
Financial
Social
Family
Physical
Personal Development
Spiritual

Typically when someone suffers a blow to the first two areas of life they begin to withdraw from all aspects of their lives. They're sad or embarrassed about their lack of work so they withdraw from friends, they don't feel loveable so they withdraw from family, they'd rather stay in bed all day and eat so they withdraw from their lives physically, they certainly don't feel like investing in their abilities so they withdraw from personal development. And at the end of all of that they of course don't feel close to God - they may even blame Him for their state of being - so they withdraw spiritually.

In that kind of setting, no wonder someone feels depressed (latin "to press down")! They aren't investing or making deposits of success in ANY aspects of their lives.

The first thing Dan tells clients who are struggling with finding direction in their lives is to work out every day. Between the endorphins the activity ignites and the change in their bodies they start to see, the people who do this start to feel better about themselves and their situations. He also asks them to start spending better time with their families and loved ones. He also asks them to choose an area in their life they'd like to improve on like learning a new language, developing a hobby, etc. And then he advises them to spend time with God first thing every day (that smart guy must have heard about my blog this week).

Over and over again he's seen the light come back into clients' lives as they've made deposits of success. Pretty soon confidence, strength and enlightenment begin to work together to help that person find employment and get them on a stable financial footing again.

I personally can attest to this. I've somehow lost every job I've ever had. It's bizarre but true. After each time I felt a massive blow to my system. I ached for the loss and the meaning it must apply to my life: I'm a failure. I would withdraw from my family, friends, physical, and spiritual lives. Until the next job came charging in on it's white horse and made me believe in me again.

It wasn't until my last corporate gig that things changed. The months and final weeks of my job marked a change in my attitude towards my career: I felt I didn't need it as desperately as a I used to anymore. It's coolness and strength had worn off. When they let me go ("you're the best person on our team, really!") instead of anguish, I felt relief. Instead of wallowing and depressing my situation, I found myself with time to develop each area of my life. And I LOVED it.

I feel strongly that our lives can feel this way every day. Our career's should not own our lives. And if we feel that they are - that they are withdrawing strength from us instead of depositing strength, then we need to find something different.

Morning light

2012-06-01T07:42:00.001-06:00

A view from my spot during morning scripture study. It's my holy time of day.

I heard a quote this week from motivational coach Dan Miller that the early morning hours are the most influential hours of our days. They set the tone for the following hours so we need to guard their use carefully. He recommends taking time to fill your mind with that which inspires and lifts you. For one hour he reads and writes followed by an hour of exercise.

I know that I don't always have / make time for this inspiration but I can ALWAYS tell a difference in myself and my day's pace when I have.

Capitol Reefing

2012-05-29T08:55:00.001-06:00

Mark and I headed out late Saturday night to "beat the crowds" down to Capitol Reef National Park for the Memorial Day weekend. Capitol Reef is the quiet gem of rugged landscape nestled in south central Utah about 4 hours from Provo. Neither Mark nor I are much for the crowds of Moab or Zions.

Our trip started in a massive storm that slowly moved it's away across the state as we headed south. We dodged sandstorms and tumble weeds initially but shortly traded those for a menagerie of animals that wanted to commit vehicular suicide. There were countless deer, two cats, two dogs, and a horse. My poor heart. It was a real life game of frogger on the roadways this weekend.

Once we finally got into town (oh and I did get pulled over, but my charm got us off with a warning despite my inability to find my registration or current insurance :) it was about 1am and everything was full. Campgrounds, motels, nasty cabins and RV parks. All full. So we wandered in the dark of the night and found a "campsite" just perfectly placed behind a hill and off the road a bit. Mark was wary but exhausted, so we set up the tent and settled in to rest....

Except that there was this horrific wind that blew all night. And due to our haste in setting up our tent, we didn't secure the rain fly tight enough. So all night the tent shook and bent and threatened collapse. Mark and I would drift off only momentarily before the wind would scream and the tent would shake and flap. Needless to say, there was little to no rest that night.

The next day we grumpily vowed to find a better place to sleep. It was frigid out so we drove around beautiful Fish lake, pulling over at one point for a quick nap. Two hours later we woke up and continued on in our search. Finally I remembered a friend telling me about an amazing lodge down in Teasdale that featured antique indian and cowboy furnishings. We stopped by and luckily they had a room. Despite the cost, the peace, serenity, and comforts were worth it. Mark and I are officially "light weights."

After settling in we hit the road to explore Capitol Reef, Boulder, and the back roads of Escalante. I highly recommend it if you're ever in the area.

The beautiful Lodge at Red River Ranch.

Our cozy getaway from the howling winds.

Hell's Backbone excitement!

The view from our room at Red River Ranch - we recommend it.

Boulder Mountain views over Escalante and Capitol Reef.

Feeling so good after a night of no sleep. 70mph winds beating down your tent will do that to you.

Wedding Day - The Reception

2012-05-26T17:25:00.000-06:00

It sounds trite to say our reception was a blur. Doesn't everyone say that? But literally I think we walked in, saw a few beautiful details and then rushed to welcome our guests who flowed in non-stop the full length of our time. Looking at these pictures made me realize how gorgeous our reception was and how all the details came together.

And of course I loved all the faces that were there to celebrate our big day with us.

And their gracious send off!

Thank you for reliving our beautiful day with me!

Much love, Mr & Mrs Smith

Wedding Day - Lucheon

2012-05-26T17:08:00.002-06:00

After a few quick pictures after the ceremony, the wedding party made a mad dash for Mark's parent's church. We ate amazing bbq via the Smoking Apple and had amazing entertainment via my bestie Merissa Wilson Davis. Every detail was perfect.

Can you even believe that sweet look on Mark's face? Oh I love my guy.

Exciting things coming

2012-05-25T17:32:00.001-06:00

Unsettling In

2012-05-23T16:50:00.002-06:00

There's a common phrase used to describe change: settling in.

You might say by looking at my home that Mark and I are "settled in." Clothes are mostly where they belong, the bed is usually made, toothbrushes neatly laying side by side... ya we're settled in.

What's strange is that most of the time I am startled by how easy it is to live and love Mark. He's a ridiculously handsome, kind, strong, creative, hardworking, hard studying, man. Yum. His favorite way to fall asleep is to wrap himself around me. I traveled this week for work and when I called for a morning chat, he informed me he didn't sleep well because his subconscious "couldn't find his wife."

Seriously. He's great.

But internally I'm not settled in. I've been unmarried (so tired of "single") for almost 32 years. Did I really expect the have everything just slide neatly into place inside of me? Like my friend Robyn said on her blog, I look down at my sparkly finger sometimes and realize, "Oh ya! I'm married!"

What's most disturbing about all this is how happy and at peace I am. My long time therapist told me about the anxiety that plagues me, "Peace is not allowed to anxiety. In fact if there is peace, anxiety will go on full alert because that's not it's normal state of play."

Maybe that's what I'm feeling. My life isn't used to being driven by the calm-lazy-river-on-a-sunny-afternoon, kind of peace. Up to two months ago, my life had been fueled by high-octane-achieving-to-prove-something-be-something-do-something-important kind of anxiety.

So ya, maybe that's why I'm unsettling myself into marriage. Good thing Mark breathes Valium vapor, because when I'm with him (or he's wrapped around me), my lazy river peace takes over.