They

A day of meetings ahead and at 7.35am, they had already decided how their day was going to go.

In short: blech.

Of course being the ever so helpful, extremely annoying, positive peep that I am, I offered some loving support and said, ‘Change your state ‘darling’, otherwise your entire day is going to be ruined’.

With a look that could kill, and the biggest ‘tut’ ever, they left. Note to self: shut up.

I believe we can choose how we want to feel at any moment.

That you and I can change the way we feel – whenever we want to.

The only flip side to this is: there isn’t one.

We’ve already spoken about interrupting negative states before, and I have no doubt you and I have both shared moments, days, weeks when our state of mind has been unresourceful and unproductive.

But it’s our state of mind, and that means we have complete power and control over what goes in and what comes out.

In training, there is a saying there are no unresourceful learners, only unresourceful states. If you’re trainer, you’ll know it’s your duty to deliver an experience that continually leads your trainees into resourceful states (usually high challenge but no threat.)

Same in life.

No event is good or bad, it’s just an event: how we choose to feel about it, that’s up to us.

It’s in that choice which determines if an event is good or bad. A bit like the statement ‘no news is good or bad, it’s how we feel about it that will determine what it is.‘

One Way To Change Your State: Ask Better Questions

Here’s a suggestion.

Oh, wait, only do this exercise when you are in a resourceful state otherwise it’ll bomb.

1. Stop asking habitual negative questions when the shitz is hitting the fan

For example, if things are going haywire and your current habit questions include:

• Why does this always happen to me?
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I ever get it right?
• Other people are managing this, I’m not, where am I going wrong all the time?
• Why am I not like so and so, they manage?
• And so on.

To the questions you habitually ask yourself, your brain will seek out the answers.

Example: why does this always happen to me?

Your brain will do exactly what you asked of it and return to you a whole string of examples, experiences, thoughts, feelings (from past events) that will confirm to you that the question you asked is correct.

What happens? An already unresourceful state is compounded by more unresourceful memories and feelings from the past, ultimately making growing your current negative state of mind.

2. Start asking ultimate resourceful questions

When in a resourceful state, consider other questions you could ask yourself when ‘events’ unwelcomed and not planned are happening, so that the next time you ‘feel’ your state changing to unresourceful you’re prepared.

You could ask:

• What is funny about this experience right now?
• What is this experience teaching me?
• How can I learn from this?
• What will I remember about this event in 5 years time?
• What can I feel instead?
• What’s the most positive part of this experience?
• What will I share about this experience next week?
• How would I like to feel right now? Do I have the ability to make it happen?
• Know your ultimate question, and use it.

Practice Practice Practice

Yes. this may take a little practice, most of us aren’t taught about ‘states of mind’ nevermind asking resourceful questions.

But you’ve done this before, numerous times, all your doing is taking control of your own state.

When?

Okay, have you ever felt unresourceful and in a negative state then your friends made you laugh?

Have you ever felt ‘under the weather’ and went for a coffee and felt great at the end having hung out with a close friend, or spoke to someone on the phone who uplifted you and changed your frame of mind?

See, there is the flipside. Some people have such powerful states (negative and resourceful) they can sway others with it. Have you ever worked with someone who managed to change the atmosphere of a room because of their state?

Know and own your own state.

How you feel is ultimately up to you, the ‘problem’ or ‘event’ never dictates how you should feel, ever.

What about you?

When you notice your state is unresourceful, what’s your plan?

You’re walking down a busy street. There’s enough room to get a bus down the pavement beside you, you can see the other person come straight towards you, your brain is screaming, ‘Move! Hoi! Move, move, move! Collision approaching! Move!’, but you still manage to crash into one another.

Lattes in the air, slightly mortified and a teeny weeny bit embarrassed that you may just have nudged a part of the other persons body usually illegal if touched in public, it doesn’t end there.

It gets worse.

Not satisfied with just the collision, you add to the occasion The Side Shimmy Shuffle Move: both of you jumping to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right, neither of you able to stop, break free and head the opposite way to clear yourself from each other.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

After what seems like hours (5 seconds tops), finally one of you calls time on the street dancing: stops, moves, thereby allowing the other to clear themselves.

After a quick, ‘Ohhh, ever so sorry’, raised silly me eyebrows and stranger smiles between you, it’s all over and onward you go.

Slightly red in the face, but still alive. Just another awkward moment, bliss.

Life.

Stop.

Decide which way you’re going, why you’re going that way, then move.

What if you move the wrong way?

And?

You change direction. You’re smart. Give yourself some credit. You’ll know. Trust yourself a little more.

Decide. Either ‘go for it’ or ‘forget it’. But decide.

No decision is a wrong one.

Choose the direction. Move. Decide a different route if you have to.

Only the act of movement will take you further from where you stand today.

Your Turn

When have you ‘gone for it’, and the decision made was easier than the dilly-dally? When did you stand in your own way and missed an opportunity? Feel free to pop a comment below.

Disclaimer: this isn’t a lecture in productivity and time management. Ha!

I’ve been waiting patiently for 4 months.

Yesterday was the day of glee and surprise.

I popped into the greenhouse and there it was…the colour green.

Popping up everywhere from the seeds sown in January are little shoots, new life has finally sprung.

In a few months, if conditions are just right, these little lovelies are going to be a leafy and flowering parade of colour, smells and beauty.

But.

There’s a bit in the middle looming.

Before they are planted in the garden.

Long before the time of bloom.

Otherwise known as transplanting.

(When the seedlings need to be moved to a bigger pot to allow for growth. Thousands of them!)

Boring.

Slightly tedious.

Don’t get me wrong for the first 10 trays, it is therapeutic.

By tray 15, the garden therapy has ended.

By tray 22, I’m seeing double and it’s a case of ‘started a daybreak, ended with backache’. I do think at this moment, “why the hell don’t I just make my life easier and buy plants from the garden centre?”

Answer: no fun in that!

See, part of the reward is witnessing something you cared and nurtured for grow into a spectacular sight: all the way from seed to bloom. (Idea to Realisation?)

A few moments of tedious and boring, is more than a fair trade to what’s going to appear around here in July and August.

Does the same happen in life?

Doing the work that really fires you up, your love work, or your great work isn’t always 100% excitement, all the time.

Some stuff is just boring.

Examples:

How do you feel about paperwork? To me, boring.

Twitter used to be painfully boring (although I’ll admit that was because I had no idea how it worked!)

Generally, meetings to me are tedious. Some. Not all.

Cleaning up databases. Boring. Always.

Traffic jams: Urgh! Triple boring, depressing and painful as a Tori Amos CD. (Just my opinion, no offence if you’re a fan of TA!)

Take my career change clients, they don’t exactly do flips of happiness when they have to:

• Update and tweak their CV, they say it’s boring.
• Write cover letters.  Again, pretty boring.
• Filling in another online application.  Boring.

But we can’t ignore the boring work.

It still needs done.

Introducing the…

The Self Slush Fund

How do you get through your least favourite tasks and boring work?

When I’m doing the boring stuff I’ve tried different music: from the energy pumping to the tinkly-pinkly-running-rivers affairs, neither worked.

I’ve thought about rewarding myself with coffee and cake once the boring stuff was done but cake and coffee is a regular habit around here, didn’t work.

So, to get the boring stuff done I had to take this internal motivation to the next level.

I now have, what I will call a Self Slush Fund. 

Think of the Self Slush Fund as your reserve of goodies and promises to yourself.

A self reward and points system, if you like.

When you get through the boring stuff you add to your Self Slush Fund.

Things for me are:

• A bathe (note I said bathe, not bath. One is luxury, the other is functional!)
• Going out for a coffee to the local bookstore, that always works.
• A date with myself usually does the trick.
• A day out with the doglets, pecking up a hill.
• Promise of an afternoon 30 min nap.
• Chinese for tea!

Simple easy things.

If you want to try it, there is one rule: you have to be committed to withdrawing from the fund, as and when required.

There is nothing wrong with rewarding yourself for a job well done, whether it’s exciting or slightly tedious.

My point:

The way we can see the end result in it’s full glory is by doing all the work.

If an idea is worth seeding, is it not worth making all the conditions perfect for it to bloom?

(Oh and if all your work is boring, and has been for sometime. You may need a heck more than a Self Slush Fund, this is for you)

Your Turn:

Do you have a Self Slush Fund or similar? How do you reward yourself?

PS: if you’re a gardener any tips for a sorry looking Ceanothus?

And, quite possibly the worst title for a blog post e-v-e-r when it comes to SEO.

How often have you stopped carrying out a task (or a series of tasks) in your solo business because:

a) you’re scared of what people may say

b) you think it’s not the best you can do

c) it’s not perfect

d) you don’t think you have the right

e) you’re not good enough, ‘they’ are better

f) you don’t want to upset someone

g) you think it’s been said already

h) you’re holding back because…

i) you’re waiting until all conditions are perfect

j) [insert another of your choice]

A confession.

From A through to J, I can tick them all.

There, it’s out.

I got in bed with fear.

The affair didn’t last long but I admit I did try to hide it from you. It felt awfully seedy at the time, I didn’t know how you would take it if I told you, so like most solo biz owners I kept it to myself.

I let fear woe me. I let it convince me that it knew best.

Thankfully, I didn’t expose it to all areas of my life, however for a while there it had full access to all the comings and goings in my biz. Since our last split I’ve heard through the grapevine that other solo business owners have a not so good track record of falling for it’s cold charms.

Instead of admitting:

‘We’re scared’

We just plod on, head down, alone, doing our best on a daily basis to somewhat resemble our LinkedIn picture and never letting anyone see us cavorting the-not-so-merry-dance with fear.

Functioning Fearingscaredycat

Fear and I had a pretty intense relationship for a bit. Deep.

There are some that use the phrase functioning alcoholic, for people who are able to lead a ‘normal’ (whatever normal is!) day to day existence, even though they have a substance addiction. I was a ‘functioning fearingscardeycat’, able to do the work I do best and at the same time be fearful of too much going on behind the scenes.

Even as I write fear is here with me, its over there sitting in the corner and ready to pounce, get down you rascal. It’s a fecking pest.

The weakest thing about fear is: when you become aware of it, acknowledge but not accept it’s ‘irrational word’, you can pretty much expose it as the conniving and deceitful ruffian that it is.

Have you and fear ever got it together?

See, I’ve since learned that the little creeplet had been seeing others behind my back.

Oh no, not happy with everything I was providing and feeding it, the loser has been hanging out with others to see what it could take.

Fear and I began to hook up when I started making changes in my business, when I choose to no longer hide behind a business name and fancy pants logo. The reason for the change is another post, but the changes meant that everything I did/do/will do is ‘out there’, that I was/would/will be exposed, vulnerable and open to judgement.

Fear loved this move, I swear it did cartwheels as I basically just gave it an open invitation into my lizard brain.

My relationship with fear should’ve ended when I got upset over an email telling me I had a ‘spelling mistake and why should I listen to you if you can’t spell properly.’

Fear said ‘don’t publish anything ever again, that way you won’t upset anyone’.

(Love said, ‘Fuck it, let it go‘.)

I didn’t publish, for a while. Sorry love.

There are so many examples of what fear said. I could be here all day listing them for you.

Fear doesn’t hold anything back when it starts an assault.

Fear is a never ending stream of ‘shoulds, oughts, musts, dont’s’.

Fear never shuts up until we gag the little parasite.

Pack it.

Boot it.

It likes nothing better to remind us consistently of our weaknesses and shortcomings.

I know about fear, I supposedly help others end their relationship with it.

At the time, fear loved that: it would say “hypocrite, you shouldn’t be doing your job, you tell people to quit fear, but you can’t get over me”. It would then carry on putting doubts in my head. It grabbed me at my core and for a while made me question everything I was, and what I was doing.

When fear grips, creativity flees. The two can’t compete head to head (at least not in mine!)

Fear will strip everything away, if you let it consume you. Everything.

Fear doesn’t care, it will hook itself onto your vulnerabilies and try every dirty tactic to remind you of them.

Fear happily keeps on taking and talking, destroying, doubting, ripping, sabotaging and belittling.

Eventually ‘you’ disappear and fear makes all the decisions in your little business for you.

Beware Love Incoming

Fear and love are polarities apart.

If fear is fed, it grows.

If love is fed, it grows.

Simple.

Love dispels fear.

Love is the antidote to fear.

Are you lovingly creating your great work today, or are you operating from fear?

If from fear, fear has you exactly where it wants you.

I use the word love because it’s never (or hardly) spoken about in the same breath as ‘business’.

But it’s the love for what we do that made us take the solo journey in the first place, yes?

Is it not the love for our ‘why’ and the legacy we want to leave that makes us work harder than we have never worked in our life?

Is it not love that separates us solo biz owners from the faceless corporate identities?

I think so. So, I’ll use the word love.

Love came back after I found the courage, balls, grit and confidence to admit ‘I’m scared’, then some of the most amazing people appeared, as if on cue. Events started happening. Connections were made.

Which confirms for me as soon as we say openly about what we need, we open our hearts to seeing it. Again, another post! And I’m utterly convinced that it doesn’t matter if it’s life, career, business. Connection is vital to all of it.

Plan for The Worst, Expect The Best + Likelihood

If you take nothing else from this post take this: most solo business owners have felt fear at some stage. And I guarantee what you fear, someone else may say ‘really, that scares you.‘ And what they fear, you may say ‘really, that scares you.’

It’s personal fear. Really personal.

We start up businesses not knowing what is going to come up, or what we will need to face the trials and tribulations of what’s going to come up down the line.

Here’s a few questions for you, when answering them think of the best and worst case scenario and think about the likelihood of it happening.

What are you not doing because you don’t want your vulnerabilities exposed? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?

Where are you holding back on because you don’t want anyone to judge you? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?

What one piece of negativity have you allowed to dominate your future actions? Why? What purpose? Why did this matter? Past learning? Is it true?

Who can you turn to and say ‘I’m scared’, and they will help expose the real fear and not rescue you?

What do you need to do to end your relationship with persistent fear?

What if you were aware that fear may rise but you had all the tools to make it go away, what would they be?

What scares you? Is it something you know someone else can help you with? Have you reached out to them?

Are your fears personal? Where do they link to the past?

Do you own an idea to do things ‘your way’ but your scared to step our from the norm? Worst + Best Case Scenario/Likelihood?

What are you consistently repeating but it’s not working? This post may help

If you had no fear, what would your business look to you? How would it feel? What would be happening? Do you have the resources now?

What is the source of your fears? Is it something that happened recently in your business, or does it go further back? 

What is no longer good enough for you, or your small business? Why are they still there? Do they serve you?

Ideas for Exposing Fear:

1. Name your Fear. Naming it gives you something to talk at. My fear is called Billy.  When Billy pipes up in my head, it’s pretty easy to say to quieten them down. Plus Billy makes me laugh, chosen after Billy Connelly (comedian), it’s hard to ‘see’ fear when you see Billy C at his best in your head.

2. Surround Yourself With Fabulous People. I don’t mean ‘there, there’ people. I mean people who will call you to task on your fears. Start a mastermind group. Meet with a couple (or more) other solo business owners once a week. Who? Well, who do you communicate most with? Just write to them. See if they would be interested in starting ‘something’ up. You don’t need to name it anything specific. Send them to this post.

3. Have a Mantra/Saying/Thought. One of mine is Let It Be Easy and another is Take Good Care of The Caretaker. Choose the most inspiring positive statement that you have ever read, one that kicks it for you. Have a nosey here. Or here. Once you find it write it down on post-it’s and slap them everywhere. Even in your diary. They can be removed a) when you have guests and b) when it’s your automatic thought when you feel fear, stress or anxiety.

4. Know Your Triggers Before They Happen. Go through the questions above and recognise what triggers fear in you. Having a plan or a ‘what would I do if‘ is like not needing the plaster, because you aren’t going to need repaired!

5. Talk to The Fear. When you feel fear, ask it why it’s there. Listen. Then ‘talk’ it down. Tell ‘it’ there is nothing to worry about. Let’s face it, fear isn’t out there, it’s in here.

6. Lean In and Trust Yourself. Practice the fear lean, it starts with saying ‘thank you’ to the fear followed by ‘I can do this’ and then lean. Small steps if you have to.

7. Turn Everything On It’s Head. Remember back at the start I asked you ‘have you ever not carried out a task because…’ and listed a few common fears. Reverse the conversation. So,

• I’m scared of what people may say becomes what people specifically?
• This is not my best I can do becomes best compared to what?
• This is not perfect becomes not perfect compared to what?
• I’m not good enough becomes good enough compared to who?

7 1/2. Do it.

And finally…

Remind yourself 5x a day why you are doing what you’re doing. Fear will probably keep calling. The reasonable thing to do is to keep asking it to leave. One day it may take the hint and go forever, until that day you still have complete control as to whether you let it enter after it knocks.

Please Share Your Thoughts

Have you any ideas for managing fear? What do you tell yourself or do when fear is in your room? If you’re a solo business owner, what fears keeps coming up for you, if any? Do you have a tool, tip, or thought on how to manage fear when it comes?

Unless it’s novel, pleasureable or ensures your survival the chances are you won’t pay much attention to it.

That Inbox of problems you have to deal with? It’s no surprise it scares you half to death, when you become aware of it.

What are you paying attention to now?

I bet it won’t just be the words that are here.

Have you already scrolled down and up the page to find some more of those novel optical illusions? They are good huh?

If I’m lucky, you’ll scan a few sentences, you may spot the spelling mistooks, you might read the last paragraph: just so you have closure.

If you want to skip to the last paragraph feel free, I won’t mind, I’d totally understand you can’t help it.

One way I could hold your attention is to instruct you on what to do, such as:

“Read every word here on this page, it will ensure you a lifetime of happiness”

It won’t, but the promise of pleasure like a lifetime of happiness may grab your attention!

Have you ever read messages like these?

‘These Seven Never Before Revealed Secrets Saved This Man Thousands ‘

If you’re in debt, your brain will probably notice that one.

Here’s another: ‘This Woman Lost 35lbs in Two Months, Without Dieting‘

If you’re overweight and hate dieting, yep, you would probably pay attention to that.

Or ‘Business Owners: How to Triple Your Clients Overnight for FREE’

If you’re a business owner with no clients and skint, odds are pretty high that will get through.

Here’s one that grabbed my attention when I was supposed to be focusing on writing this post:

‘We Need Cake Eaters!’ I kid you not

Being a passionate lover of all-things-cake-like, I read!

See how easy it is to be distracted?

All of the above are novel: secrets, without dieting, overnight, cake eaters!

They are also pleasureable: thousands, triple, lost, free, cake!

Are the first three messages true?

Who knows. To the marketers they just wanted our attention.

Try this: The next time you read a newspaper, open Facebook, watch the news, click on a tweet or ask for advice: wake up, observe yourself, pay attention to what gets your attention.

I bet it’s either novel, pleasureable or to do with your survival.

Is This You?

One way I could hold your attention is to ask you a few questions:

• Have you ever had to rewind a film because you lost the thread?
• Have you ever had to flick back a few chapters of a book because you don’t remember the plot?
• Ever driven from here to there and have no recollection of the journey?

Maybe you answered, ‘Yes! That’s me.’  In which case, I may have the pleasure of your attention for a little longer.

If you answered no, then I better do something else to keep it.

Time for a story?

Once Upon a Time…

There was once a man who was being chased by a ferocious tiger across a field.

At the edge of the field there was a cliff.

In order to escape the jaws of the tiger, the man caught hold of a vine and swung himself over the edge of the cliff.

Dangling down, he saw, to his dismay, there were more tigers on the ground below him! And, furthermore, two little mice were gnawing on the vine to which he clung. He knew that at any moment he would fall to certain death.

That’s when he noticed a wild strawberry growing on the cliff wall. Clutching the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other and put it in his mouth.

He never before realized how sweet a strawberry could taste.

Get it?

Do you know what you pay attention to?

Here’s the good (and bad) news: you don’t have to pay attention to everything, your brain has a wonderful little involuntarily regulating system (filter) that does it for you, it’s called your reticular activating system (RAS for short).

In brief, as I’m no scientist, it’s your RAS that determines what events, situations, stimuli, content gets your attention (survival, novel, pleasureable.)

You may think you’re paying full attention, but your RAS is happily working away in the background, I’m sure you aren’t paying much attention to the seat you’re sitting on, the wall behind you, or the noise from the street, are you?

What noise?

Precisely. You aren’t aware of it. Or are you now?

If everything were to get through the filter, you would be overwhelmed by all the information that hits your senses.

You think that’s good news, right?

Well, in terms of overwhelm, heck yes. But without all the information, how can we make the best choices and decisions that we have the potential to.

We think we don’t have any answers to the problems we face.

What if they are there, staring us in the face but because of what we have chosen to let in and leave out we just aren’t ‘seeing’ them.

You’ll ‘see’ the information that fits with how you see the world, confirming to you that your view is correct.

You’ll ‘see’ the information that matches who you think you are, to confirm that you are who you think you are.

You’ll ‘see’ messages that will conform to your own belief and value system.

Why do we only ‘see’ what we want to see?

Imagine you are sending a text message and crossing a really busy street at the same time, a bus is heading straight towards you (assuming you had no intention to be run over), your RAS is automatically on the case (okay, ‘on the case’ isn’t the scientific term, but hey I’m not a scientist.)

Survival!

Filters open, your perception kicks in, your brain notices the bus and observes the speed, the sight, the sound, the smells. Instinctively your neurons fire up, your brain knows that a bus heading at speed towards you is not good (based on all the information you have previously gathered in your life.)  You’re flooded with information.

Your cognition allows you to evaluate your perception (the information you perceived) and make a decision on what you should do.

You would then take action in accordance to what you perceive and what decision your cognition made.

Jump or stay.

Thank your RAS (perception, cognition and action) and hope that you have enough clock time to get out the way.

What does it mean?

How does this information apply to your life, all this is interesting but how can you take it and make sense of it, so you create the changes that you want to make?

For that, I have to hold your attention and give you some examples and hopefully one of the following examples below will get through your RAS.

Let’s assume you hate your job and you want a new one.

You believe (based on perceptions), to make this happen you have to complete a lot of exercises that you don’t find pleasureable or novel: CV’s job search, application forms.

You percieve (based on your past experiences or conditioning from others) that this is boring work, it’s hard, it’s difficult, and time consuming.

Your brain seeks pleasure, so instead of doing the work to get your new job your cognition evaluates and decides you would be better doing something that is pleasureable. So you take action, switch on the TV and watch a repeat of CSI.

Or let’s assume you want to lose weight.

You pay attention to the clothes that don’t fit, the feeling of shame, when trying on clothes in shops (that moment when you struggle to get them off without falling through the changing room curtain.) You decide that you are going on a diet.

Your brain freaks out, it remembers the last time you starved yourself: you ate beans and soya milk for a month.

It was so unpleasant. You hated it. You were miserable and hungry. So your brain automatically thinks ‘we can’t survive this’ – it can’t help it, you taught it dieting was a chore. Instead of finding some brilliant recipes that are great to cook, that don’t leave you feeling hungry or miserable. You begin the process of torturing yourself.

Pretty soon your brain takes over. You percieve that this diet is like the rest, your cognition evaluates and says ‘this isn’t worth it’ and reminds you that ‘you only live once and should eat what you want’. Before you know it a packet of crisps have been eaten, a cake and you’ve assed an entire packet of ginger nuts.

What are you struggling with?

Ginger nuts? Oh, no that’s me!

Let’s assume you know what areas of your life aren’t working.

For long lasting change and effect, you may need to ‘see’ differently.

You may need to retrain your brain. You may need to let other information through the filters.

Easy? Not really.

Impossible? Heck no. Totally possible.

Challenging? Yes, in a good way though, it can be fun.

Time consuming? Maybe.

It’ll take loads of practice. Remember, your brain has a short attention span, it would be quite happy if you take the easiest route (way out?) and loves it when you ‘stay with what you know’.

1. Seek Truth

We only will ever see a fraction of what is actually available to us.  Some see more, and some see less.

Why though? That’s another post. However (from my experience) most people only see a fraction of their own potential because of their beliefs.

Answer: question your beliefs, observe them, pay attention to them.

All of them?

Yes, as they come up, one by one.

2. Self Image

You have accepted your current self image as true. However a self image is like a mask, a veneer, a cover up to keep hidden the real you, your true identity.

If images aren’t real, then they can be changed.

Again, pay attention. What categories, boxes, labels, roles, status, programming is your mask?

These aren’t the whole truth.

When people say they have ‘lost themselves’ or want to ‘find themselves again’, it’s usually the removal of the layers that have been added to (sometimes for survival) over the years.

You aren’t lost, the real you is there, it hasn’t gone anywhere just merely tried to fit in and survive!

Wake up your full attention.

See what you are missing.

Your true self isn’t buried or hidden from you.

You don’t need to travel far to find it.

Be passionate. Keep walking. Remove the darn filters.

Deep? Is it buried deep the real me?

Some would say it is. Some say otherwise. But what do your beliefs say?

Quit looking for the symbols and signs that your image is ‘correct’, that you require external influences to confirm you are ‘okay’.

You are okay.

3. When I Change One Small Thing, Everything Changes

I believe that the one small thing is our beliefs. And I also believe that we can work on those every single moment of the day.

If we pay attention to our thoughts and what we say about our lives.

As soon as we make a statement about ‘this is the way my life is’, we can’t see any other information. Everything we perceive will be in alignment with these beliefs.

Grab yourself a piece of paper and try these:

What do I negatively believe about my life, career, business?

What ‘proof’ or ‘evidence’ have I accepted to confirm to me this belief is true? 

What language do I use daily to keep the belief alive?

What do I positively believe about my life, career, business?

What ‘proof’ or ‘evidence’ have I accepted to confirm to me this belief is true? 

What language do I use daily to keep the belief alive?

Who has confirmed it for me? What specifically did they say?

Who’s opinions do I listen to? Are they accurate?

What do I believe? What’s my truth?

How can I remain true to myself, not what others expect of me?

And you’ve made it to the last paragraph! I have no idea if you will ever look at those questions.

Heck, you may have skipped the lot and just read this sentence!

Here’s a thought for you:

You’re in the process of making choices and decisions right this second.

Do you know who is making them?

Remember this?

“Right class 4b in order to find the right answer, you must stop fooling around and pay attention.”

Sitting in rows facing the authority figure towering above us, we were instructed not to drift off, zone out or spend time day dreaming (or doodle!) If we shut up, stay quiet, ignore distractions and use laser focus, then we will be able to work out all the problems in front of us.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Now that you’re an adult, what if paying attention to the problems scares you half to death?

Huh?

Let’s assume you find it easy to write and list all the parts of your life you’re struggling with.

From the career you hate to your relationships, no social life to feeling miserable, from your lack of finances to unacceptable living environment.

It feels like every single area of your life is on the list, all parts on a downward spiral and slipping out of your control.

Pay attention?!!

Where do you start?

When you attend to the list, you observe your life as an Inbox of problems: concerns, pains and a current reality that you don’t even remember creating.

“It seems our brain was designed to pay attention to sudden, dramatic changes and to simply ignore or monitor subtle differences, steady states, and gradual changes.” Robert Sylwester, author of How to Explain a Brain.

There are thousands of messages and subjects headings that haven’t been opened and read.

They’ve crept up on you.

Life wasn’t always like this!

The Inbox piles up, you ignore it, zone out and think, “I’ll get round to it, one day.”

One day becomes one week, one week becomes a month, one month becomes one year, one year becomes two.

Your Inbox happily piles up in your absence of attention.

You want to take back control.

So, in a moment of slight insanity, you open everything up in the Inbox.

You view every single area of your life, you flag a few areas that are really important, you put a mental star beside those that are urgent, you shuffle and rearrange trying to collate what you see into neat little boxes so you make sense of it.

“How, when, why did it all get this bad?”, you think. “I’ll never be able to sort this out.”

When you view the big picture, you’re scared. What if you never get a handle on it again?

Fear creeps in, so you close your Inbox down (again) and choose to leave it for yet another day: when the moment is right, when you feel stronger, when this and that has settled then you will have the courage to start properly.

More clock time passes, for the most part you’re able to ignore the Inbox.

If you refuse to look, it might just go away, right?

But it niggles you, wherever you go it’s hitching a ride.

The content of the Inbox is there when you wake, before you go to sleep, when you eat, when you work, leisure time, time with friends and family.

But still you refuse to pay attention.

You think, “What if you begin and are left feeling wide open, vulnerable, or have more questions than you have answers, or worse, what if you don’t have any answers?”

You find you get upset easily, some days you think you are going insane: one minute you can’t get out of bed and the next you explode at the slightest annoyance that in the past would not have phased you.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” you say to yourself.

You move from one intense emotion to the next in a matter of seconds.

You want some time, some breathing space, a mental break: a little respite so you can take the Inbox, go through it and deal with the messages: delete, save or action.

You’re not stupid, you know there is more to come, that box will never be empty, there will just be new information coming your way as clock time continues to move forward.

The fact that you have observed the Inbox at all, is fantastic news.

Might not feel like it. But it is.

The fact that you tried to tackle everything at once, is a great endeavour, very brave.

But in all my years working with people I don’t think I have ever met someone who successfully changed all areas of their life, all at the same time.

They worked to the premise, “When I change one small thing, everything changes.”

They stopped trying so hard to:

Fix it

Sort it

Mend it.

Tackle it

Repair it.

They stopped looking at the Inbox with the same thought that created it.

Or, as Einstein said “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

They taught themselves not to pay attention to the Inbox at all.

May I make a suggestion?

Start with paying attention to the outbox it doesn’t contain habits, perceptions and illusions.

To wake up and live consciously.

I’ll admit, I’m a little nervous hitting publish on this post.

Partly because I’m about to tell you that you could be asleep!

Feck. It’s not an insult.

So am I.

The question I’ll ask you to ask yourself at the end of this post, is the question I ask myself…daily!

And I don’t want to be the next mini dictatorship in your life, or ‘false messenger’, telling you what to think or what to believe.

These are my thoughts. Think for yourself, okay?

If you haven’t read the introduction to this post you can do that here.

Wake Up

If you find the courage to wake up your consciousness, and question everything, to become fully aware of the real world around you, and the one within you, you not only will ‘find’ who you are, you’ll never fall back asleep.

In my experience it’s easy to get sucked back in and have a snooze.

But once you begin to ask, there is NO turning back.

I believe the majority of people are asleep.

Filters up.

Head down.

Plodding.

Following the herd.

• Some people accept jobs and enter careers, asleep.
• Some people get married, asleep.
• Some people have children, buy homes, move countries, asleep.
• Some people cook, clean, drive cars, asleep.
• Some people start businesses, asleep
• Some people watch TV, asleep.

You might think that you cannot do any of these things asleep.

Have you ever said ‘what was I thinking?‘ to an event, experience, where you have no idea why you did what you did, said what you said, or behaved how you behaved? It could’ve been a fleeting moment, or lasted years!

I have.

= 100% asleep!

… I wasted too much of my life not being me! I was afraid, I guess. You know how it is. You keep your head down and you hustle and hustle. Then you look up one day and wonder, “How did I get here?”

Most of us don’t know ‘how we got here’ because we’re in, what I’ll call, a Walking Coma due to the result of a lifetime of conditioning from the ‘fake’ messages assaulting and bombarding our senses, creating our perceptions and giving us perceived realities.

Then, for some, there comes that moment when you’re aware you’ve been sleeping, you wake up, even if it’s just for second to ask ‘who the f*ck am I?‘ or declare ‘I have no idea who the hell I am anymore!’

Scary time? You bet.

To realise that everything you thought about you is a lie, of course it’s scary.

To have no answer though, is beyond terrifying.

To go back to sleep, no!

It really is no surprise to me the majority of people are miserable, stuck, and unable to move in any direction.

We continually are waiting for the ‘instructions’ dealt out by others because we don’t trust our own.

For the majority of us we live in a permanent state of ‘fear’, worrying and concerning ourselves to distraction about what others think, if we’re being ‘normal’ enough, are we acceptable to the masses, are we acting in accordance to the rules set down by the herd?

From the Internet to television, newspapers to magazines, social pressures to group thinking, advertising to governments, coaches to goo-roos (I include me, of course I do), systems to rules and regulations, soap operas to society, religions to peers and family all of them fight for your attention so that they can give you their script on how to run your life.

All consciously and planting subliminal messages saying:

This is who you are and this is how you should think

• This is how you should look and this is what to wear.
• This is success, this is failure.
• Here are the strange and crazy people, here are the ‘normal’ ones.
• This is what you should be fearful of, this is what’s safe for you.
• This is normal society and behaviour, here are the misfits and losers
• Here are the nasty people, here are the good ones
• Here are the pillars of society, these are the freaks
• Here are the beautiful people, here are the ugly ones
• Here are the terrorists, here at the good guys
• Here are the unsafe people, here are the safe ones
• This is acceptable, this is non-acceptable

Is it any wonder you ‘feel’ lost?

Some churn out, we have 80,000 thoughts a day. I ask, how many of those are our own? Not the thoughts pieced together by the false messages above.

You want to ‘find yourself‘ right?

You want to know who you really are?

Then I believe the first step is to deconstruct and question everything you’ve been taught and led to believe about your life.

Unlearn. Then relearn.

And I believe, it could take you and I a lifetime.

You don’t need to put on a white gown, sit at the top of a mountain, not eat for 40 days and 40 nights, practice meditation, do yoga or eat only berries and you certainly don’t need to ‘go off and find yourself’ – nobody needs to physically go anywhere. The ‘real you’ isn’t out there, it’s not an external quest, it’s an inside job. 

It’s not thousands of miles away.  Wherever you are. That’s where you’ll find it.

It takes no special technique, you don’t need anything else, you have all you need.

When you wake up and finally realise that the vast majority of messages are fake, a con, an organised plan to keep you asleep, you can’t go back to the old you. (Again, my opinion, my experience.)

How can we wake up, if we have no idea we are asleep?

Ask yourself  at every conscious opportunity:

Are these my own thoughts, or someone else’s for me?

Remember just that one, ask it daily, but here are some more:

Are these my own goals, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own beliefs, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own opinions, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my idea of success, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my concept of meaning, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my regrets, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my fears, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my dreams, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my own life blueprint, or someone else’s for me?
Is this the standard of my life, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my own rules, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my own path, or someone else’s for me?
Are these my passions, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my full potential, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my strategy, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my happiness, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my joy, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my story, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my knowledge, or someone else’s for me?
Is this my truth, or someone else’s for me?

History is full of examples of how easy it is to control, manipulate an individual (entire societies) on what to believe and what to think.

Wake up.

Question everything placed in front of you.

Try this: why not assume you’ve been asleep?

With the question ‘are these my own thoughts, or someone else’s for me?’  in your mind, answer these:

• Who am I?
• What am I?
• Where am I?
• What are my strenghts?
• What are my achievements?
• What path am I on right now?
• Where do I want to be heading  next?
• What do I want my life to look like?
• What are my goals, my values?
• What would make me happy?
• What does flourishing mean to me?
• What will give meaning to my life?

Want more. Here’s another 99 Questions to Ask Yourself.

Your Turn

What are you thinking? Is it your thoughts, or someone else’s for you?  

When did you last feel complete, whole, happy, brimming with joy, at peace, in full creative, sparkling go get’em working order, unstoppable, in the flow, flourishing, achieveing, thriving and fuelled by passion and purpose?

Today, before lunch?

Yesterday?

Last week maybe?

Oh.

Should I cue the sounds of crickets as you try to hazard a guess?

Too long ago, you can’t remember?

Take Comfort: You Aren’t Alone

Ohhhhhh, you so aren’t.

The lovely people who sign up for the “Nearly a Newsletter”, all get asked: ‘What are you struggling with right now?’

Not everyone replies. From the ones who do, about 90% are one liners (thank you for being brave and hitting reply) and the rest are essays.

They are passionate. Deep. Sometimes really funny and quirky. Sometimes I need to take a break to digest the painful story I’ve just read.

I ask people to ‘get off the starting blocks’, not to worry about creating a written masterpiece, but just to get their content or ‘story’ out.

Here’s the thing, the same replies keep coming up time and time again.

One line or an essay.

Which are…

“I’m stuck. I’m lost. I have no idea who the hell I am anymore. I’m unsupported. Overwhelmed. I’m worried about what others will think. I’m scared I don’t have the time left. I’ve made so many mistakes, I can’t make any more”

People then go on to describe what they really want their life to be like.

They talk about their dreams and wishes for their future, but sometimes they introduce me to their family, their friends, their children, their community and the legacy they want to leave for them.

The most repeated reply is:

I want to find me again

For the most part, the writers describe a struggle, an adversity, an experience that has left them washed out of any sense of self.

And at first glance they do appear to know what they want their life to be, what they want life to mean to them, they do have answers.

Sure, they may not have the finer detail (strategy, plan, tools, some techniques, the focus) of how to make it happen, but for the time they are writing they are remembering why they need to return to who they truly are.

Waiting for The Lights to Change

I get the feeling, when reading these replies, many people are waiting for the red light to switch to green.

The go ahead, the permission, the starters gun.

The visual I have in my head is a line of cars with people sitting in them, with one foot on the accelerator, ready to move, the other on the brake.

But they allow the lights to switch back and forth, unable to put their foot down.

Not because they don’t want to, but because they’re scared.

They sit, wait, hoping someone will get into the passenger seat and take the journey with them, to say ‘it’s okay, go create, do it, you’ll be just fine, we’re here, your supported, go do your great work.’

You know, to hear the words ‘It’s okay’, I believe is really powerful, to say them to ourselves? Priceless.

But I’m not naive, it’s not that easy when you feel you haven’t got a clue who you are any more.

When you’ve lived a little, taken a few risks and they haven’t worked out the way you planned, it’s no surprise (to me anyway) we become wary, cautious and spend too long hanging out at the red lights.

The emails almost always end ‘How can I find me again, Dawn, can you help?’

My answer is yes and no.

Yes. I can give you my thoughts.

And no. I can only give you my thoughts.

I’m wary.

See, I don’t believe that any human being is ‘lost’. I also believe that ‘finding yourself’ isn’t a just a task carried out in times of chaos, uncertainty or when life isn’t playing the way you want it to.

It’s a constant conscious act. A continual questioning. 

I think we’re easily distracted, because of our programming, and it’s too easy to be sucked back into, what I call, the ‘Walking Coma’.

I also know that I am not expert about your life.

I may give you an answer that in your eyes is a pile of hoohaa, or you may feel I have offended you in some way.

Or I may say a few things that fit with ‘your map of the world‘ and then (worse) you believe what I say is ‘the truth’.

I believe we follow the thoughts, opinions, ideas, beliefs belonging to others far too easily and it’s the the biggest reason why we haven’t got a clue who the hell we are.

But I’m here, ready and willing to give it a go.

Here’s what I’m going to do

Over the next few days I’m going to write 5 Ways to Finding Yourself Again, and I’ll be honest with you, the only reason I’ve decided to split them up over a few days is because right now this (what was going to be one blog post) is running at 4500 words!

Far too long, and I haven’t finished parts 4 and 5 (right now, they make me feel like a pompous arse.)

I’ll then come back and make the blog posts look pretty and easy to follow for people who arrive here in a few months.

So, if you want to read them when I hit publish, here’s the RSS feed, or you can use the sign up box below and I’ll send you an email (no need to sign up again if you already get the updates.)

Here’s the Topics:

1. Wake Up.
2. Pay Attention
3. Walk Your Own Path.
4. Start. Create.
5. Connecting The Dots.

Tell Me

If someone were to ask you, how can I find myself again, what would you say? I would love your thoughts. And if you have written about this on your own blog. Share the post.

Or let’s talk about on Twitter below. (Hit reply and let me know)

If someone were to ask you, how can I find myself again, what would you say? I would love your thoughts.

— dawnbarclay (@dawnbarclay) April 10, 2012

Here’s a question for you…should we always forgive?

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

Depends.

On what though?

The damage caused, the long term effect, the severity of the pain, the way in which the hurt was given out?

The reason I’m bringing this up is because of the pain, anger, hurt, bitterness, regret, shame, vulnerability, loss, grief, sadness caused at things that have past.

Recent email replies from nearly a newsletter subscribers have been:

Self-help land asks the question ‘who do you blame?‘ has anyone ever asked you ‘who do you forgive?‘

No?

Nor me, never.

CS Lewis (Narnia, fawns and wardrobes fame) wrote: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”.

Lot of truth there.

How about this one instead?

“Forgiveness isn’t something we do for others, we do it for ourselves so we can get well and move on.”

Ah. More truth. Different take on forgiveness though.

I’ve settled on the second.

(Today, I’ve settled on the second.  Hey! I’m human, a work in progress, oh, and I have a future to come, I may need to review it.)

You? Two very different paths, huh?

If you choose to forgive, what might happen?

If you choose not to forgive, what might happen?

Questions only you can answer.

What if you want to forgive but don’t know how?

Oh, who hasn’t been there! A few ideas for you…

1. Be Clear About The Pain

Know the detail. Be specific. We are very good at creating stories to protect ourselves.

2. No Fiction or Add-On’s

Have you ever noticed how memories can build and create pictures of events that didn’t happen? Stick to No 1, the facts only.

3. Feel + Express The Pain

Somewhere, with someone. If you can’t take the pain to source that had a hand to play in it’s creation, take it to someone who is equipped to help you feel it safely.

4. Forget to Remember

Do you play events over and over your head. Wishing you had said this, or done that. The event is over. Choose not to relive it. You may not be reliving the experience, but you are feeling the emotions — same damage.

5. If You Can’t Let Go (Yet), Let The Memory Die

That’s what it will become, just a memory. Refuse to play it. Try just saying to yourself ‘Right now, I choose not to think about that’. Remember No 3 though!

6. Forgive Yourself First

Can you? Are you able to forgive yourself? You don’t need to carry guilt. You can’t be judge and jury equally. Let go.

7. Blame

Refuse to blame others for the future you. You do have full accountability, ownership and control of how to feel now. (No 3!)

8. The Experience is Over

You can’t relive it. All that remains is memory and emotion. That you can control.

9. Love

Just that. To heal:  love + self care, has to be the dominant picture. Extend love to the things even you don’t understand (tough one, but doable!)

10. Power of Freedom

You have no power in the past. You only have power to change this moment. It’s all a very simple matter of choices and simple decisions. The thought of reaching a decision may be painful, yet once made, it’s clear.

Freedom. Forgiveness. Letting Go. Holding On. Bitterness. Guilt. Anger. You get to choose.

Stop. How Are You Doing?

Let’s pause for a minute.

I’m just wanting to check in with you.

Where’s you’re head at right now?

At the place of ‘I wish it were that easy?’

Are you thinking:

‘I want to but can’t, the pain is too much’

‘I want them to pay for what they did’

‘I need to have justice, then I can move on’

‘I can’t forgive them for what they done, they took away…’

This is the point. I believe forgiveness is a personal decision.

One choice. You forgive or you don’t.

No half way measures. Forgiveness isn’t memory loss either ”I can forget, but I can’t forgive!’

I believe forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person(s), it’s an inner act. The person who has hurt you may never request for your forgiveness.

Here’s a Little Exercise For You To Try

It’ll take you about 10 minutes.

You’re going to give thanks to those who have hurt you.

Give thanks?!!

Yup.

But the pain.

Look, I know, I’ve had my own really crappy life events but try not shut down an idea before you give it a go. (Go back and read No 3, people are trained and highly experienced in helping others work through horrendous pain and past memories.)

Ready? Look, I’ll even go first so you don’t feel so vulnerable, okay?

Dawn, this is too weird.

No, this little exercise is every so purifying! (I was going to use cathartic, but that’s wrong, is it catharsis? You know, a purging. Anyway, I’ll look up the dictionary later and get on with this.)

By doing little exercises like these, they allow you to see situations and past events in a different light. Do it or don’t, you’re call.

You’ll need to record your thoughts. So get a pen, paper or slap your fingers across a keyboard.

List some people who have hurt you (stay safe, only work with what you can handle alone.) What did they do? What was the situation specifically?

Then who you are now, your values this minute and the way you live your life today, thank them for what they taught you and declare why you choose to (or not) forgive them.

As I Said I’ll Go First…

Arghhh! Vulnerable. Ah well. If I can’t do what I request others to do I’m a hypocrite. So here goes…

To the guy who bullied me for the first 4 years of high school. It was never true that ‘sticks and bones will break my bones but names will never hurt me’. They hurt. Your taunts, teasing and cruel words meant I spent 16 years on a diet.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience, I’m able to stand up and speak for and on behalf of others who are being bullied, belittled, mocked or ridiculed.

To my primary school teacher, who gave me the belt when I was 5, and humiliated me in front of my class, the day I halved the crayons. I was actually thinking ‘out the box’, there wasn’t enough red crayons to go round. Splitting them in two meant we could all take part.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned that children need to be really listened to and always be protected from harm.

To the manager I worked alongside for one year. Your screaming, anger, pettiness, lack of compassion and back stabbing hurt an entire team, we feared you.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience you confirmed for me how I will lead.

To my ex, who took great pleasure in breaking my spirit, faith, confidence, self esteem and worth.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, it’s because of that experience I can communicate with women who are going through similar abuse. I am one strong, strong, woman.

To the guy in Secondary School. I know you and your mates found it funny that you said you meet me and take me to the club, when you had no intention to do so.  When you told me ’you wouldn’t been seen dead with me’ after I had travelled an hour to meet you, that experience made me feel like the ugliest person alive.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I will work endlessly to make sure young women and girls (and boys) have high confidence and self esteem, and know they are worthy.

To my secondary school maths teacher, who’s class I detested for four years. You slapped heads with jotters, threw anything you could to a pupil who didn’t understand.

I thank you, I choose to forgive you, because of that experience I learned how to inspire others to grab a passion for life long learning even when they hated school.

Phew!

Your Turn/Thoughts/Comments/Opinions

Should we always forgive? Please leave a comment below. Let’s talk about forgiveness.

You may recall the hurt, but you will not relive it. No constant reviewing, no rehashing of the old hurt. No going back to the old gravestones where past grievances lie buried. True, the hornet of memory may fly again, but forgiveness has drawn it’s sting. The curse is gone. The memory is powerless to arose or anger. The past is the past. And nothing can alter the facts. What has happened, has happened forever. But the meaning can be changed. That is forgiveness. Augsburger

 

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! Dr Suess

(Don’t you dare roll your eyeballs! If ‘whole and alive’ is too woowoo and touchy-feely for you. Rename it: ‘Things I Must Have In Order to Stay Healthy’. Do what works for you.)

Breathe.

Ahhhhh! Good, huh?

Get a pen, paper, give yourself 10 minutes (go on I dare you!), grab a cuppa or a double brandy, whatever you decide.

I asked on Twitter ‘What do you need to do to stay healthy?‘

Replies came in: sleep, follow purpose, wine, space, time to think, exercise, read, other people, a good laugh, nice simple, easy things.

We’re going to write a list. 10 things. No big hardship. And you’re going to pin it to a wall and let them happen over the next month.

What do you really need to feel whole, healthy and alive?

What are the things that you know are good for you, you know make you feel healthier, happier and hotty (okay, maybe not the last one), but you don’t do enough of them.

The simple things.

The things that only you would know.

The things that if something happened to you, you would want people to know them so they could keep them up, ’cause they make you feel (clap your hands) h.a.p.p.y and in the flow.

Write them out.

In detail. Nobody is marking them. Nobody is judging them.

Get them out. You might get to three and think that’s it. Wrong. Ten. Ten. Ten.

Start them all ‘I feel alive when…’

Declare them, say them outloud (when nobody is listening of course.) Shouting ‘I feel alive when…’ 10x may get you a few stares.

Post them to a wall, a door, a fridge, your lover, dog, cat: anywhere you will see them on regular basis.

Complete all ten in the next month, and if you are able to, do the same next month.

Notice how simple they are. Are they wild and outrageous? Probably not. I bet they are small things that you know are good for you but you forget there importance, I’d take a guess that they are vital to your health, physical and emotional wellbeing, but have been put aside because you spend a lot of time forgetting about you.

Who? You! Me? Yes you!

Self care peeps.

Taking.

Care.

Of.

You.

Because you matter.

You do.

Your health matters. Your emotional well-being matters. You matter to other people. How can you expect to create a wildly passionate hot to trot it life, career or little biz if you aren’t looking after yourself.

It’s not selfish. Selfish is saying ‘I’m more important than you’, not ‘I’m important too’.

Get it? Go. List. 10 Things.

In the comments below complete: I feel alive when I ________. To stay healthy I have to__________.

She hates her job, so she nips online and types into Google ‘I hate my job’ or ‘how can I change my career‘, perhaps she’s hoping the Internet Goddess will return the perfect answer to ‘help, my career is the pits, I’m so unhappy‘.

She goes clickity happy for a while and cruises around some of the biggy career websites, scrolls a few articles looking for the ‘answer’, then switches back to recruitment sites.

She searches for roles she can do (same shitz, different wallpaper), those she used to do (and left because they didn’t fit!), and ones that she would like to do.

Some days she searches for work and roles in the countries where she took a three day cheap flight break, but gives up that up because she would need to learn the lingo first (too much like hard work!) and she’s not sure if the doglet would like to move.

Click, click, click.

She’s soon back on Facebook or Twitter, she retweets and ‘likes’ all the positive images others have posted such as:

‘it’s never to late to be what you might’ve been’

written in big bold fancy text over the image of woman leaping across a beach dragging taffata behind her.

Obviously enjoying life to the max!

She wants to be her. She wants to launch herself into a Grand Jete or Sodacha (big jumps, ex ballet training, no, really) across empty sands, that’s the FREEDOM!

She types beside the picture on Facebook: ‘So true! Yesh! Waa (#the-most-annoying-word-ever) Hoo . I Love It!‘  and yet deep down she believes it is too late for her.

(In traditional Blue Peter Style. Here’s one I made earlier, just for you!)

If you've scrolled down and not read the post, you'll have no idea why there is a picture of some wind swept but interesting looking woman leaping across a beach! That'll teach you to slow it down a bit! Breathe! Take 5! Chill it a bitty there partner…time is precious!

Who can help her?

She’s so miserable, she wants the pain to stop, having to spend hours at doing tasks that shut her down and off.

She hasn’t got a clue where to begin, where to look, who to talk to, what she needs to do first.

Except the she here could actually be you. (And me at one point!)

And instead of really doing the work on you. You’ll do anything, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to get yourself out the current career reality and pain. The pain that comes with working in a career that no longer fits, suits or means anything.

People talk and deliver sermons ‘atcha (me!) about ‘paths’, ‘direction’, ‘roads’ but you have no idea what country you are in! How the hell can you put yourself on a path when you are lost without a map?

Of course, I’d recommend a completely different approach to the ‘Google Career Change ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ Coaching Method’, like find what you love to do first.

But I know many peeps that stop here aren’t ready for that, or they can’t be fecked.

So…

If the above is YOU.

Here’s a jolly good idea. One my my best!

Figure Out Your Shortest Route. Then Take It.

How?

You need to ask yourself different questions, so you get different answers, which returns different results.

Answer this —> If you had to make a career move by the end of the week, what would you do first?

Would you write a CV, apply for posts online, or would you actually go 10 steps further and connect with the people who could help?

If you didn’t have to think about ‘is this the right time’, ‘what would others say’, or ‘do I have the confidence and ability’.

What would be the first thing that you would do?

Know what you would do first (if the shitz hit the fan) and do that, erm, 1st!

And I bet you cake and coffee your answer will be connections.

Would you announce to others your intentions?

Would you ask for people to introduce you to other people?

Would you know immediately what you need help and support with?

Leaping across beaches is great, but even taking that picture required help. So get yourself surrounded with people who could offer you suggestions, ideas and advice.

But. Another idea. Why wait? Why wait until you are in crisis mode to carry out the shortest path?

Do it now.

Ask for help.

There’s this belief that most people are too busy to help others. I swear to you that is not the case, people want to help people.

The shortest route, you see, is usually the path that’s already cleared for you. (Yes, you can commence slapping your forehead…1…2…3…Now.)

How can I help you? I mean it. (I’ve got time until my next photoshoot.)

Your Turn. Yes, You.

Tell me: when you’re stuck and can’t see a way through, what questions do you ask yourself? Any gems?

This was in the ‘Nearly a Newsletter’ Not signed up? See that big box over on the right. Yeah, that one. Fill that in, and I’ll send a copy. (It’s suitable for vegans.)

Following Dreams. Catch the Dream. Dream Big.

You know the words. You’re bombarded with the messages that ‘dreaming’ is a really good thing.

It is.

But don’t betray them.

Now, before anyone sends me screeching hate mail instructing me that it’s my ‘job to encourage people to dream’.

Let me ask you this: are you stuck in the dream of what you would like to create?

Many of you have been sending emails about ‘your big dreams’. And in them, you’re talking about ‘if the time were right I would…’, or ‘maybe when the…(fill in the blank)…I will’.

I know we’ve been here before but no time will ever be the 100% right time to start anything.

Never. Ever. Ever

Wake up. Trust Yourself. Aspire. Action.

What’s the difference? Loads.

It’s as different as night and day!

Dream: to vision

Awaken: consciously aware

Aspire: pursue

Creation requires action. (And dreaming time.)

How much have you pursued the dream when conscious? How long, specifically, have you been ‘asleep’?

Wake up.

1. Just start.

2. Put in the 1st attempt.

3. Do something towards the creation today. You don’t have to do it all today!

4. Stop listening to your brain critic that it’s not the right time, this won’t work, what am I doing this for, I’m not ready, it’s too big a dream to start.

Really? Then close your eyes.

Sleep on and dream this:

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

I’ll tell you how you can download it in a second.

This little tool is used a lot (I mean a LOT) in coaching, some call it the ‘Wheel of Success’ others the ‘Wheel of  Life’.

You can pretty much take a blank wheel (which is included in download) and use it for any area of your life.

Clients love it, they always find an ‘a-ha momento’ completing it, but then, they do have someone (me) sitting next to them bursting their brain with a heap of questions, challenging them, asking them for clarification on every little detail.

So advice: take your time, and try not to dismiss the thoughts that come up but question them.

What else?

Oh, yeah, just because it’s called the balance wheel it would be easy to assume it’s all about weighing things up.

It’s not. Not really.

Balance wheels were used in watches and clocks to make sure they were keeping tickety-boo-top-notch time.

Translate that into a wheel for your personal development: it’s about identifying what’s not working, what needs some focus and attention, what’s out of sync, what is long overdue some TLC!

If balance wheels didn’t work in watches, the right time was never displayed.

Same in life, if the balance is all out, some areas of life suffer over others.

Whats’ going to BREAK! Soon.

I’ll shut up now, ’cause it’s all in the worksheet.

If you want it…

Here’s how to get it

Wait! Sorry, not trying to keep you back, promise me (if you download) that you complete all the worksheet as it’s split into two parts.

Part 1 Self Evaluation

Balance Wheel Part 1 Screenshot

Part 2: Taking Action

Balance Wheel Part 2 Screenshot

How to Download

If you’re already subscribed to free updates, you can access the worksheet via the resources page (check back your emails for the link.)

Not subscribed? (Shame on you!)

No worries. you can do it easily using the box on the right hand side or here.

Or, if you don’t want to bother with all that palaver, you can download a copy via my little social media experiment either with a ‘tweet’ (if you use Twitter) or a ‘like’ if you use Facebook.

Here’s how:

1. Click on the button below
2. Choose either Facebook or Twitter
3. Allow access (you can revoke the access after you get the download, nothing is ‘stored’)
4. Follow the instructions on the screen
5. The download will open (or at least that’s the theory, if you run into problems just shout)

Download the Balance Wheel with a ‘Like’ or a ‘Tweet’

Share&Get it !
	    

Let me know if it was any use to you, feel free to leave a comment below.

I drew them this picture (it wasn’t exactly this one, the one I created was on a Costa Coffee napkin which I had to use coming home in the car during a sneezing fit and is in no state to be photographed) and then asked them if they would like to buy it from me.

Whoever says they 'can't draw' lies!

…they laughed.

“No, it’s awful, I could do better!”

I then did a quick image search online, at the same time asking them “Would you ever buy a Picasso, or like one as a gift?”

…they laughed.

“Of course, it would be worth a fortune”

I turned the computer towards them and showed them this drawing, by Picasso.

Artwork by Mr Picasso

“So you would buy this picture, and not mine, or you would accept it as a gift because it’s a Picasso, you believe the name alone is valuable?”

Client:  “Well, yeah, erm (cue the confusion and penny dropping), of course it means more, it’s a Picasso, it’s ‘art’, yours, well (waves napking in disgust) and I know you’re not famous, or that it’s worth anything! (Me: Humph!)

Me: “So can I clarify, the second drawing means more to you because you know who the person is, and what they are, and what they do (did), you see that drawing as really valuable because of the name, is that right?”

Client: “Yes.”

Me: “So, do you think if people knew who you were, that you were valuable, if they were aware of what you did and what you stood for, it would make you more appealing to employers?”

Client: (Penny hits brain!) “Urgh! Get it. I get it”

Picasso the name alone is a brand. And in this case, when it comes to art, Picasso got into my clients brain first: of course his art work is far more valuable than mine.f

(IMO) It’s not whether or not you should brand yourself, we all have a brand whether we like it or not. We don’t create the brand. The brand is created for us, in the minds of others.

What’s yours?

As valuable as Picasso, or a snotty Costa Coffee used napkin?

PS: Blatant Sales Pitch: Live in Edinburgh? The next CareersCafe (19th April) is all about Personal Branding. Are you coming?

Dedications for my artwork in this post, can you have dedications on a blog…who knows, anyway… Mike at Stick Figure Simple  (’cause he’ll laugh) and Fritz at HikingArtist  (because I use so many of his wonderful pictures it’s about time I gave more thanks, so I’ll do it with a little link love!)

Photo Credit: neonfreedom.tumblr.com/

What’s your plan of action for the times you feel like you want to quit?

I read in a forum a few months back a question from a member: ‘How do you know when it’s time to quit?’ because the forum is filled with small business owners all but one of the 42 replies said, ‘keep going, you’ll get there’.

The one reply that didn’t say keep going asked questions such as:

How much time do you have?
Do you have the money?
What have you tried so far?
How long have you been attempting to achieve the goal, have you changed the goal?
What’s working?
Have you quit what isn’t working? <—Kaching!

Before we talk about quitting let’s make sure we are on the same page, I’m not saying ‘just quit’.

No way. (This post isn’t you’re permission slip or get out jail free card, I don’t give them out.)

There is a massive difference between the person just giving up because things are getting a little painful and uncomfortable, to the person who has tried a million ways to make something work, and it’s not happening.

There is a massive difference between the person trying something for a week, to another pouring years of their life into an idea: all their time, energy, money and creativity. When what they wanted to achieve has taken every single last piece of their soul.

You’ve probably heard the saying ‘winners never quit, and losers never win’.

Tosh-pot I say.

Some of the worlds most ‘successful’ people have quit and failed, quit, failed, then won.

They ‘won’ because they quit what wasn’t working. 

We don’t get that from that statement.

I believe when you start on the path of creation, whether it’s a new career, solo business, or a new way of life there usually comes a point when you feel that you want to quit.

For you, the person who started a business to gain more time, freedom, and money and now find yourself working 20 hours a day, missing your family and wondering where the hell the money is going to come from to pay the bills at the end of the month, you may feel like quitting…I know I have.

For you changing career, when doors slam in your face, when people say again and again ‘we were looking for someone with more experience’ or ‘you were our second choice’, you may want to quit and return to the role you know…I know I have.

For relationships, when you are wanting to make it work but the arguments and pain far outweigh the good experiences and love, you may want to quit…I know I have.

How do we know the difference  from when it’s time to quit, and time to keep on going to reach the breakthroughs we want to happen?

Is the problem we see quitting as a failure?

And failure is such a dirty word, huh? Who wants to fail?

Why is quitting feared?

What’s your definition of quitting? Is it to change paths and direction, to say goodbye to what isn’t working to make room for the new. Or does it include shame and guilt?

Back to my small business owner forum friend. I wonder if they wanted someone to write ‘Just quit’. That they needed to hear if anyone else had been where they were at, and to receive permission would’ve made their decisions easier?

Times when it’s probably okay to quit…

1. You’ve Changed

Take my business for example, I started in 2003, aged 32. The initial business activities sat with a handful of my core values, but not the ones that really mattered. And it was painful. I hated the business as it stood then, and in the end it made me ill.

The clients were great. The business, no.

I quit it. Letting it go and saying goodbye to what it was known for.

Scary? Yes!

Feelings of failure? Of course (I’m human!), but more anger that I hadn’t stopped it becoming what it became.

2. When you can’t bring yourself to work on the business (career, relationship etc) because you hate every aspect of what it’s become: it’s time to quit, to change, to shift paths, in fact, it probably could’ve happened sooner.

Of course it’s painful.

All endings are.

But the pain is easier (and quicker) than the pain of holding onto to something that no longer works.

3. When the good days are so few and far between. Slogging something out because you’re scared to say ‘shitz, this ain’t working, better try something else’, is more painful that actually doing it.

4. When what you are doing is leaving you empty inside. That seems a little ‘woowoo’ here’s what I mean: when you have no passion, purpose, energy for what you are doing or the goals you created. But don’t get this confused with frustration that things aren’t happening quick enough.

Trust yourself that you know the difference between empty and run down. (I was empty!)

And, while we’re at, goals change, that’s the whole point of goals, to be expect the best, and plan for the worst. Or in this case, plan for the success, and have alternative routes to get there.

4. When there is so much resentment towards what you are doing.

5. When what you do de-presses you and you can’t lift yourself up to change.

It’s okay to stop, let go, put an end to something because it just doesn’t fit with who you are now. It is okay.

And you may be thinking ‘but it’s not my time to quit, I need to try it a little longer‘.

You know, that’s fine too.

But I offer you some advice: whether for your life, biz, career. Get help. Tell people what you’re struggling with.

Lastly, Feck The F Word!

Failure.

Look around the Internet for posts on ‘failing and failure’. Plenty will ask you if you’re a quitter or failure.

Screw them. I’ve failed so many times, but is my life a failure, am I a failure, am I heck. Neither are you if you’ve failed a few times, life can get tough enough without adding a label to yourself!

If you quit, you can feel like a failure.

Feeling like and actually being are very different. Because we’re taught that failure is a bad thing (in part thanks to personal development world.)

Some of the worlds greatest inventions were built upon many failed attempts, because people were brave enough to quit what wasn’t working sooner rather than later – that has always been the way, and it always will be the way.

We all need to learn what works and what doesn’t, that’s how we grow, develop, become fabby human beings. 

We can learn it quickly from others, or we can discover it ourselves.

Failure isn’t bad.

People teaching we should ‘feel’ bad and guilty for quitting is a crime.

So you may decide to quit a project, goal, idea that you started. You haven’t failed if you learn from it: the errors and mistakes of the past are learning for the future.

Learn from your mistakes and be aware of ‘failed attempts’ quicker.

There is no way a scientist trying to find a cure for a disease would carry out the same experiment over and over again hoping for a different outcome. If something doesn’t work: change it or quit, don’t keep flogging it wishing for a better result.

You aren’t a failure if you quit an idea. You aren’t a quitter if an idea fails.

Personally I feel I’ve failed myself when I didn’t quit something sooner. Or I battled on with a failed idea from the start. But never, ever, do I see myself as a failure. You?

Do you get that?

Deep down, do you see the difference?

Quitting can bring amazing emotional release. I’m not kidding.

Where others see it as a failure, I see it as empowering.

To let go, to say goodbye to that which isn’t working, on your terms, is personal power.

A Little Viewing:

Your Turn

Have you ever quit a project or idea? How did you come to the decision? How did you feel?

Before we begin, just a quick reminder about what interviewers are really like, the results may shock you:

• They go to the loo, like you.
• They may hate Mondays, like you.
• They are showing their ‘best’ self, like you.
• They have yuckie stuff going on their life, like you.
• They have good days and bad days at work, like you.
• They may have the tea conversation every night, like you.
• They eat, sleep, and probably have arguements with loved ones, like you.
• They have probably put  an extra effort on what they are wearing on interview day, like you.

They’re human, like you! Honest they are!

Here’s 7 Things To Do The Day Before, The Day Before, The Day of The Interview:

1. Read The Company/Employer Website Back to Front, Upside Down, In All the Nooks and Crannies

Spend as much time on it as you do on Facebook in a week. Follow all their links, who are they connecting with, what are they talking about, what projects are they working on?

If they have a blog, read the darn thing.

Have nosey at their Tweets, Facebook updates, Linkedin status – what are they saying on social media? Follow, like and add them.

Write down five things that interested you. When you’re being interviewed, if it’s appropriate, talk about what you found out on their website. Say you were on it. Can the information you learned be turned into questions? See no 2!

Extra Reading: Using Linkedin To Follow Potential Customers from Great Resumes Fast

2. Prepare Questions Please

Five of them at least. Not the salary one or the holidays one. Take out the job description, person specification or any other material you have (see no 1) and see if you can find something in those to write cracking, awesome questions.

If not, think like an interviewer. What would you love to be asked about the job or role if you were interviewing?

Go back to the job description or person spec and ask yourself, what problems are they trying to solve with this position?

Extra Reading: Think Like and Employer on Harvard Business Review article by Bill Barrett

3. Go and Visit the Place Where the Interview Is Being Held (if you can)

Without looking like a creepy stalker, get a feel for the building (if you can get in). Check out the atmosphere.

Where are people going for lunch and coffee? Nip to those also. Get a real sense of the place. (Without obviously be removed from a building!)

I have all my employability clients do this, if you already have a feel for a place, this reduces nerves.

Try this: make chums with the reception peeps. Tell them you are coming for an interview and want to get a feel for the place. Ask them what their interview was like, they’ll tell you.

4. Visualise The Start, Middle and End of the Interview

Think of all the things that may put you of your stride: a ‘wimp’ handshake, a not so friendly smile, stares from the panel?

See them happening and then prepare yourself ‘mentally’ of how you will successfully cope and react. Then, see yourself after the interview, get a picture and feeling of how you are going to leave. Play it over and over again.

Do You Have a Fear of Meetings try the exercise at the bottom of the page.

5. Know & Have Answers for Your Awkward Questions in Advance

Some of my clients say ‘what if they ask me about that’, usually they’re referring to a gap, perhaps a role that didn’t last because they hated it, or a personal time in their life that they aren’t comofrtable talking about.

You need to be ready. If you have any anxiety over what you might be asked, you can prepare for it.

Think of the questions you don’t want to be asked and prepare your answers. Play them in your head. Ensure your reply is honest, yet still would have no reflection on the role you are applying for. It won’t will it? There is no question that you cannot answer, see no 7!

How to Deal With Awkward Interview Questions on itsnotyouitsyourresume.com

Tough Interview Questions on redgoldfish.co.uk

You probably have a few ‘personal’ toughies that aren’t covered anywhere online! Ask a friend to listen to your reply to your awkward question, and ask them to give you feedback on your answer.

6. Get A Mock Interview In

If you can afford it hire a career coach to run through a mock interview with you, do it. If you’re low waged or not working at the moment, and in the UK, do a little research and find organisations in your local area who provide that offer employability services (start with your local volunteer group or centre).

Mock interviews (done well) are a fantastic opportunity to iron out any sticky points, plus get feedback on presentation skills, how you came across, what did an answer sound like, was it good enough, did you say enough etc.  A good ‘mock’ will feel like the real deal.

7. Nerves: Please Remember You’re Nearly There

About those nerves, you’ve earned the right to be there, please remember that.

They want to meet you, think on that for a second. They already think that you might be suitable for the role, they came to this conclusion through your CV or Application Form (however you got in the door). So you’re half way there.

If you believe what you wrote, then you know that you only have to live up to what you said.

Yes, you’ll probably have competition. And that’s good, right? If you were interviewing you want to have a choice, wouldn’t you?

Write a list of your key strengths before your interview. When they ask you ‘do you have any questions’ (which they will), it’s perfectly fine to say ‘I just wanted to leave you with a few of my strengths and where you could use them‘ and tell them.

The first impression is mega important, the lasting impression is the one that sticks.

Help:

If you needs some interview prep contact me, we can even hook up for some coaching.

If you’re in Edinburgh, come along to a Careers Cafe, be great to see you.

Your Turn

What are your top tips to do the day before, the day before the day of the interview, tips that aren’t the ‘norm’?

When you get a minute Google 'cold swimming images', interesting pics.

Have you ever wanted to dive into a swimming pool or venture into the sea on a sweltering hot day? It looks so inviting, you’re dripping sweat like a shoplifter in Harrods, you want to get in, but you just know, you’ve done this before, it’s going to be baltic.

Instead of going for it, you do the Human Biscuit Dunk Test (there’s no such test!) assuming the rather risk-aayyy maneuver of pool side hovering, or the threat of waves reaching your thighs unexpectedly if your beside the seaside, beside the sea.

You could’ve ran and jumped in.

How long would you have been screaming like a chimp just been robbed of it’s banana? What, five minutes? The pain of a full dive doesn’t last long, does it?

But you went for the toe dip. Not even the ‘Half Shut The Knife‘ move: up to the waist and gagagagagasping.

See, the thing about toe dipping is, it’s really easy to stop, and retreat, step backwards.

But the with the full frontal, you’re in there, up to your eyes in it. You’ll probably cope with the change eventually, your body temperature will start to regulate out.

A bit like that (sick) boiling frog experiment. Throw (don’t though, I don’t advocate trying this at home, but I’m veggie) a frog in hot water it will try to escape, but pop it in cold water and heat it up gently it won’t move, just slowly be boiled alive (surely that’s wrong, boiled dead it should be, how can you be bolied alive?) Perfect metaphor for gradual change.

Sometimes I think personal growth should be a full frontal. Other times a toedip, but never a cling on to the sides.

Too painful.

Sooooooooo…

I want to invite you to a toe dip, and the plan is: within 52 weeks you’re taking frontals!

Living Moxies’ next intake of wonderful peeps is the 27th February.

Yeah!

For you if fear, self doubt, self sabotage is getting in your way to creating the life and career you want, or you would love a program that is ongoing and you know you’ll succeed better if you can take it slowly (or you fancy an ongoing boost and pick me up.)

The criteria:

You have to be ‘nice’ and want to create a new way of life.

If ‘ya meet my strict terms and conditions click here to read more you won’t be disappointed, promise.

“The air is full of ideas. They are knocking you in the head all the time”  Henry Ford

‘Wanna play?

Let’s assume you have a ‘Oh, what a brilliant idea’ brain flash: a moment of sheer fecking genius, inspiration on tap, creativity bounding, what do you do with it?

A. Sit on it.

B. Act on it right away.

C. Question it’s brilliance.

E. Dismiss it because it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

F. None of the above.

Let’s now go have a tangent moment.

Remember your summer school holidays?

Endless fun, fun, summer fun. The days when you returned home filthy, rugged, scorched from the sun, covered in scratches, bumps, bruises but by goodness you were one happy being.

Remember what you used to cram in, in the space of what, 12 hours?

If you, or one of your friends had an idea, it would get tried and quickly, depending on it’s success, it would be dumped, or played out for days, and days, and days, and days.

Yeah, I know you aren’t a kid, the ideas that you have now will (probably) have a greater impact on your life, to those you had when you were an 8 year old.

Deciding to go for a bike ride is not, I agree, the same as changing career.

Deciding to make a den out of sheets, is not the same as creating a new product, or service if you’re a small business owner.

Different consequences, perhaps a higher risk, needing more thought, research and planning.

But the point is, the time it takes to take action on an idea as an adult is too long, for most. 

Why? (Fear aside for a minute)

Right, some ideas you have are going to be massive and their implementation won’t happen right away. But you probably have hundreds of little ideas that crash into your head, those are the ones we’re talking about here.

The ideas that present themselves to you in the strangest times: on the loo, in the shower, having a casual conversation, reading a blog post or comment on the Internet, a tweet, a visit to a website, watching a soap opera (okay, maybe not that!)

Do you keep them safe?

Do you nurture the idea?

Do you write them down?

Do you take action right away, at the risk of not finishing something else?

A big fault for many of us is we don’t complete one project before we move onto the next. If that’s you, you have a not so good habit there, finish what you start, don’t be hypnotised by the shiny green on the other side of the fence, until your own grass is topnotch.

And your ideas, try this:

This is what I do, most of the time (do as I say, not as I do!)

1. Write the idea down.

2. Take some form of action on it right away (when you have finished the most important tasks that require your full attention at that moment of course.)

3. Take action:  research, running it past someone, writing a blog post, tweeting it, give it your full attention for 20 minutes.

4. Commence the ‘sit on it’ part here, 2 days max. Even if you’re tempted to revisit. Do nothing. Just hold onto your galloping horses.

5. Revisit after 2 days. How do you feel about it now?

6. Still the same way? Take more action.

7. Not as excited? Shelve it for one month.

8. Revisit after a month.

9. Does it inspire/fit/mean more now? Yes? Take more action.

10. No? Ditch it. (Or keep a little folder of ideas!)

You’ll have other ideas. Probably better ones.

Update: just read this post by Krista Peck Lightbulb Moments  - Krista says ‘look for the patterns’ — good advice. Take a look.

I have.

Today.

At one point I caught myself thinking ‘just, fake a faint that’ll get you out!‘

A tad extreme, even for me.

‘They’ say speaking in public is a number 1 fear, I disagree, I think it’s an urban legend.

First, if it scares the heebie-jeebies out of you, where did you learn that? From your own experiences, or through tales of horror from individuals who bombed on the podium?

Is the true fear vulnerability, judgement, being exposed, being the centre of attention, the fear that something may happen that you can’t control?

I’ve seen people terrified to the point of throwing up, get up, speak and rock their message.

I’ve also (today) witnessed professional public speakers (confident and fearfree) make a complete stinky old hash of it.

It doesn’t matter if the audience is 1 person, 5, 10, 500 everyone can learn to:

• Connect with the audience
• Lead the audience
• Acknowledge the audience
• Be in ‘flow’ with the audience
• Pace the audience
• Feel the audience
• Help the audience
• Share with the audience
• Be real with the audience
• Be truthful with the audience
• Include the audience
• Let the audience participate
• Build rapport with audience

It’s not difficult to master.

It’s about getting out your own head and into the head of another human being(s): you’re presenting to a brain, an emotional brain, emotions that create different ‘states of mind’ every moment of the day.

Today. Ugh.

Sitting through talks from the:

The Self Proclaimed Expert

“Dear you, I don’t care if you’re an expert in something really awesome, if you don’t give a tosh about your audience, (listener) and care more about belittling the ‘techie’ person who couldn’t get your laptop to connect to a projector, and to do it in front of a room of 300 peeps, shame on you.

Yeah, you got through your content eventually, but your goal of displaying your ‘expertness’ meant you lost your audience.

Remember that person who asked you a genuine question, they were ‘stuck’, not heckling, instead of saying ‘Is anyone else not getting it, or is it just my good friend at the front?‘, you could’ve acknowledged their fears, and said you didn’t have the answer (it was obvious you didn’t), oh, but that would have blown your ‘expert’ cover huh?’

(Gosh, even writing that, it’s made me more mad. You were rude and obnoxious. There. Said it.)

The ‘Go Out On High’ End of Day Speaker

“Dear you, your first words after you ran onto the podium of ‘Stand Up, Let’s Connect, Let’s Move!‘, and then leading us into a dance to the notes of James Browns ‘I Feel Good‘ followed by the instructions of ‘massage the person in front you’, didn’t cut it.

Heard of pacing and leading? I know that works for the man with the headpiece and great knashers, sorry, teeth (Tony Robbins), but this was a different audience.

Were you in the hall before your slot?

Or did you just pitch up 10 minutes before ?

Did you see the state that everyone was in?

Were the folded arms, sighs, fidgeting, heads to the side, crossed legs and the severe lack of eye contact with you not enough of a hint?

You missed such an opportunity.

And funny, (you being a renowned world class motivational speaker, according to the brochure) I would’ve thought that you of all people would’ve been clued up on noticing human behaviour and the state people were in.

When giving a presentation your audience is asking:

• Has this person got something interesting to say?
• Should I give them my attention?
• Why should I listen to them?
• What’s in it for me?
• Do I feel safe?

Most people plan their content, not why their content matters.

They don’t even consider answering questions about their audience or listener such as:

• Who are they?
• What’s in it for them?
• What state of mind are they in?
• How do I want them to feel at the end?
• Why should they listen to me, what benefit is there?
• What can I tell them to ease their pains or add benefit to their life?

Today the ‘expert’ speaker didn’t need his PowerPoint. If he had stood up there and said ‘It looks like I’ve blown it, it doesn’t matter, let’s have questions and answers instead. I was going to talk about…what three things would you like to know more on’.  It would’ve worked.

Some would say that takes a lot of courage. No, it means knowing your message inside out, and being comfortable with the all the ways it can be delivered, that takes passion about your subject.

Today, these two speakers managed to alienate a room.

As a speaker you cannot possible know the states of mind of every person in front of you, but we both know (because we have experienced it ourselves) that a positive state of mind is more productive than a negative one.

There’s a great saying there are no unresourceful learners, only unresourceful states.

So consider these questions before you even think content and planning:

• What state would I like to lead my listeners into?
• What state would I like to induce and maintain?
• What states may be present before I start?
• If positive, how can I maintain it?
• If negative, can I change it?

Here’s a few more points from today:

For Speaker 1:  you didn’t need to execute or display your authority, we were your audience, we gave you power automatically by coming to hear you speak.

You had personal power, all you needed to do was connect with us.

You could’ve included us in your ‘techie’ mishaps if you knew anything about building rapport.

We would’ve helped you.We wanted to. We felt for you.

You didn’t even acknowledge we were there and you missed a perfect opportunity to show real humanity and connection.

Lesson: The thing about (most) audiences is they are on your side at the beginning, one of your tasks is to make that bond stronger: connect, share, be honest, be human, let us in and participate with you.

For Speaker 2: I do appreciate you were at least were aware that movement is crucial in any learning environment, it could’ve worked but you didn’t let your audience know they were safe, first.

If you’d said ‘I realise you’ve been sitting for a long time (‘oh thank you, thank you, I need to move’), how about we move a little (‘you read my mind, awesome’) and then spend a couple of minutes hanging out with the people next to you, sharing what you want from this session (‘a chance to speak, wow, at last’), would that be okay? I know I can’t sit for longer than 20 minutes (‘you feel my pain, you know me!‘) I get ants in my pants.’

Lesson: you will lose your audience if you do or say something that makes them feel unsafe.

What does your audience really want?

It’s basic: respected, connected, cared for, safe and included. That’s for starters!

More next week…I need more time to process today, if you fear public speaking, what specifically do you fear the most?

Photo Credit: Flickr Trasiegu

Suzanne is sitting completing an application form, she knows she can do the job, however one of workmates is going for the same role. He’s been there longer, he has more experience in some of what’s required, but not all of it.

She’s been sat for hours, the more time goes on, the chitterchatter in her head gets worse ‘why am I bothering?’ She fears looking stupid, even though she has years of experience: in a different field but the skills and knowledge can be transferred to this role, easily.

She’s ready, but hiding.

Richard is a small business owner offering IT services to other local business owners, he knows his customer service is better than his larger local competitors: he does a better job, he understands the needs of the solo business owner better than anyone, he talks language they understand.

He’s been asked so many times by a friend to attend a local networking event. He won’t go, because he fears speaking in public, and doesn’t feel that he belongs there yet, he thinks: he’s new and needs to prove himself first.

He’s hiding.

When are we really ready to take strides forward in our careers, life or business? 

Is it when we have enough information?

Or is when we have minimised all the risks?

Perhaps it’s when we feel safe that the stride we are taking isn’t going to hurt that much if the leaping doesn’t go to plan.

Maybe we have no other options, we have to move because of external circumstances.

As a child do you remember playing Hide and Seek?

Squeezing your eyes tight, your palm covering your face, facing the brick wall, at a spot your friends put you at so you had no chance of seeing the direction they ran?

“1……..2…….3…4…56789…10!  Ready or not here I come!”

Ready or not? Here I come.

Are you ready?

Or are you?

1. Still Seeking.
2. Not ready and hiding.
3. Ready but hiding.
4. Ready?

Look, sometimes we aren’t ready. We don’t have all the information, we haven’t got all the resources and done our homework. Nothing wrong with that, being a seeker is fine.

But to be ready and hide?

Oh dear.

Usually it’s fear, you’re scared. You can remember the feeling before you were ‘caught’ playing hide and seek, right?

Stomach churning, ‘butterflies’, holding your breath, and if you never played it, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Going for it is generally less painful, than knowing you’re ready and hiding.

Count to 10 then…

Complete the following statement:

I know I’m ready to____________, I’ve been hiding because____________.  Today, ready or not, here I come.

Are you hiding?

Please check out the next Ignite Your Spark No Excuses Workshop & Firewalk Seminar, no more hiding because of stupid, untrue, crappy, beliefs, this is a ‘I’m soooooo ready!’ event, well, after it that’s how you’ll feel and behave.

Are you waiting on any permission to complete, start, say or do something?

I think I’m going to start giving clients permission slips.

They’ll have themes: permission to make decisions, permission to say what I really feel, permission to think my own thoughts, permission to not wait on life instructions, permission to be awesome, permission to not worry about others think, permission to think differently, permission to question…the list is endless.

Think for a minute.

• Who’s permission are you waiting on?
• How long are you choosing to wait?
• What will happen if it doesn’t come?

Growing up: it was parents, carers and authority figures.

In education, it was your teachers, the systems and the rules.

In the workplace, it’s bosses, managers, rules and regulations.

In society, it’s cultures, global beliefs, friends, acquaintances

Looking at the above, all your life you’ve been told to ‘get permission first’, usually from the most responsible adult in the room.

Someone else has said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to your request.

Look around you.

Who’s in the room? Are you not the most responsible person who has the most authority about your life?

So the only permission you need to seek is your own.

Complete the following:

Today, I give myself permission to…what?

I give you permission to slap this on a post-it and carry it with you, I found it the other day on my new internet crack addiction (Pinterest)

‘YOU are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking Act Like It’.

Slap.

Until next time.

• They wish to be able to play the guitar like Jack White or Jimi Hendrix, but they won’t put the time in to learning the chords and notes.

• They wish to pen the next Harry Potter or Booker Prize winner, but spend the time watching ‘I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here’, rather than write for two hours.

• They wish to change career or create their own economy, but would rather update their Facebook status with ‘life is shit’ or ‘I really love my job (not)’ and do nothing towards the shift.

• They want to end living in fear. They won’t apply what they already know, instead they ‘like’ a thousand ‘positive quotes with pretty pictures’ but ask them if they took the information and applied it? They won’t have. They probably don’t even remember what the quote was within in 2 minutes.

This year, I really wanted to avoid the ‘How-To-Live-Your-Best-Life’ post, or the ‘New-Year-New-You-Impossibilities’ post and the ‘Live-The Next-365-Days-With-Kapow and Wow’ post.

But here I am, a week into the new year, and I think this is going to be one of those types of post.

And I would love your ideas and suggestions at the end.

Give Your Year/Week/Month a Theme

See, I’ve decided that this year my life will have two events running throughout, I’m not sure if personal lives can have year long events.  I know it happens in tourism, Edinburgh had  the Year of the Homecoming (when people returned to Scotland with kilts and bagpipes for a weekend.) The Chinese calendar has Year of The Pig, Dog, Cat, Monkey, and mine is…

Ta-raa…

‘The Year of (Use Big Boom Voice) Discipline’

Mmm, it isn’t mega exciting, I know. However done well, it will allow more time for things that really matter.

So. K’tsh. K’tsh. Whip ready? Let’s go…

What exactly am I getting at?

Us Coachy-Peepleey-Helpery-Personal-Developmenty-I-Fied types talk a lot about taking action, setting goals, self talk and the rest ‘ye all!  But hardly ever go heavy on discipline.

In coaching, you could be asked ‘On a scale of 1-10, 10 being committed to meeting your goals for next week, 1 not at all, what number are you?’You’re paying for coaching, so chances are you will keep the peace and declare ’10! Oh 10! Yes! 10! Yes!‘

Which may please the inexperienced coach because they aren’t really that sure about how to question your ambivalence and why you say you are a 5!

Coach-y probably would never say (cough cough) ‘are you going to, or not,  or are you just wasting your time?’

Routines, Regime, Regular

Let’s make one thing clear, we’re talking about having a routine or regime here, one that makes sense, one that is good for you and one that serves you, not severe heavy penalties, commando and ninja style of discipline.

*sigh* It’s not a great word, huh? Past learning and experiences again, darn brain programming and conditioning.

See, I don’t know about you, but for me, discipline conjures up childhood memories of being quickly whipped across the back of the legs as I dived out the road of my mums flapping hand (Why the legs? Why?)

Or it reminds me of those ‘do this, or else’ threats  or ‘Dawn, I’m warning you, if you don’t stop, you can kiss goodbye to (insert pleasurable experience!)

Even at school, I was ‘disciplined’ 4 times by a foot long piece of leather, graciously applied by my Indoctrinator, whoopsie, sorry,  teacher, to my young backside.

So look, I get the fact discipline may not be as rosy and touchy-feely as ‘focus’ or ‘action’ or ‘drive’ or heaven forbid ‘ambition’.

But geez, it’s only a word.

Have you got much discipline? Do you get done what needs to be done? Are you easily distracted?

I think I was 31/32ish before I realised that I perhaps needed a little bit discipline back in my life, you know, my own kind, not the sadistic measurement taken by the adults I had dragging me up.

Back when I was what 15, 16? I exposed myself to this ‘shelf help’ and personal development malarkey. Name the book to tell me how to live a fabbylicious life, I bet I’ve got it.

The next step was training and courses, qualifications,  conferences, NLP, Coaching, Counselling. I ‘learned’ the theories and techniques, and yes, I used them with clients.  I paid attention, studied hard, listened, read, applied but I still wasn’t disciplined.

How did I know? Erm…simple, life sucked!

It continued to suck  just into my 30′s, it wasn’t until I set up my own little biz, that I really started to get serious, and…erm, well, a little bit more disciplined.

You see when you realise that nobody is going to pay you anymore, that you can’t hide behind a team, when you have to make decisions at lightning speed, when all your mistakes, faux pas, misdemeanours and the such are totally your own doing you get serious. You change.

When you can’t ‘pretend’ to be working, or go a week and get to Friday, then say to your workmates ‘I’ve not done much this week’. You learn, apply and get disciplined.

When banks want to talk to you when you have money in your account and when they refuse to even pick up the phone because you don’t have enough, when you have to convince mortgage lenders and mobile phone contractors you’re a safe bet, when you know you and your pets will eat that month if you are serious about what you do.

You accept discipline is part of this process.

Which begs the question, does the mean that when the motivation is high, discipline is more likely to play a part?

How Do You Discipline Yourself? (My Philosophy!)

1. Find What Motivates

Discipline was wasted on me as a youth. Rebel. Oh Yes! (Not as much as my sister though, eek!)

Growing up, the motivation came from not wanting to be controlled by parents or any other adult. Standing firm, wanting to be ‘free’ of them was a great motivator (probably is for any young adult!)

There are days when I would much rather put on a wash, clean the house, cook tea rather than sit down and write a blog post or an update. These ‘tasks’ though are just fillers. They are procrastinators.

Asking yourself ‘what is motivating me to do this’ will probably work better than ‘how can I discipline myself to do this‘.

Or try these, think of the task(s) that need your FULL attention and need done:

• What will happen after you have completed it?
• What are the consequences for not finishing?

2. Avoid The 3 W’s: Wishy. Washy. Wasteful.

This is an easy one. Time. How often do you waste it? Time is precious. It slips past.

You don’t have to fill every single minute, of course you don’t, geez, you aren’t superhuman. But there is a clue in the wishing part.

Wishing doesn’t get it done (whatever your it is.)

Where have you wasted so much time? Were you motivated? 

Let’s assume you have everything you need right now to ‘get stuff done’, you may find it useful to set yourself some deadlines, real deadlines. And to do that you may be someone who needs some goals, real goals. Ones that take into account every step.

Want to change career? Then stop ‘wishing’ it were so, and get disciplined. Lay out the all the small steps. And you know, don’t be surprised that once you break it down, it doesn’t look that exciting. But all these steps make up the whole picture.

3. Be Ruthless and Delete, Ignore or Switch Off

Cut out the noise, mind fillers, unnecessary nonsense, and if you keep ‘to-do’ lists, how about deleting what you have been moving for a fortnight, if it was that important would you not have done it already?

To really get disciplined it requires you to pay full attention, refuse to be diverted and give your precious time to others (apart from children and pets!)

Today, stop doing three things that will give you an hour to put the attention back to you.

Need ideas?

Okay, desperate to change career?

I know you won’t give up Coronation Street, Bones or Downton Abbey, but record them. Gain of 10 minutes just by zipping through the adverts. Free up an hour every evening for a month. Make a trade, use the time on Linkedin or Twitter connecting with people who you can network with and connect.

Get your favourite tipple, snacks and music blaring. Make it pleasurable, dammit, make it fun!

Work and little biz:

Check your emails 3 times a day, maximum. Then close the program.

Discipline yourself to an hour tops every day on social media. Try it for a month. Give social media your full attention for an hour each day. Not 10 minutes every hour when what your really doing is procrastinating.

Why Bother With Discipline?

To me, discipline is about giving life some structure, making sure that there is space and time for all the things that need to be in there in my life (and business.)

For me this year, that includes stuff-like: work, business, and that things that really matters stuff-like: family, relationships, being a better auntie, being a more attentive daughter, longer doggy walks, being a friend, shopping, cooking, cleaning (well, maybe), going to the library, out for coffee, meeting people, learning and applying.

The trade will be worth it.

It also means going on a diet (not a foody one), I’m refusing to consume time fillers and continually asking myself ‘what is my purpose in doing this?‘, or ‘is what I’m doing right now, this second adding or taking away value?’

Your Turn…

Would you say you were disciplined? What do you do to get the stuff done that matters? What techniques work for you? Or do you have a theme for the year?

• Are you are a networker or a collector?
• Are you a sharer or a stalker?
• Do you give 10x more than you take?
• Are you the same person online as off?
• Do you network for what you can get, or what you can give?
• Are you in it for the long haul or take it and leave?

networking definition: a supportive system of sharing information and services amongindividuals and groups having a common interest

Everywhere you look, people are networking. For business, for personal reasons, for careers and education.

Online you probably have your preferred tool whether it’s Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, Facebook, or perhaps you enjoy forums, online communities and shared groups. Do you love to network, or is just another thing you have to do?

Great networking takes time.

Awesome networking is building relationships that last a long a time.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the ‘numbers’ trap: ‘How many Twitter followers do you have? How many FB friends have you got? How many likes? How many circles do you belong to in Google+?’, it’s relentless.

Fantastic networking is not about numbers.

It’s about building rich, meaningful, rewarding relationships.

So without further ado, here’s a few tips for better networking , whether you’re on Twitter or having a one-to-one at a live event.

If I’ve missed anything glaring or obvious, or you have one to share, don’t be shy, share in the comments at the end.

1. All Relationships Take Time – this has always been the case. Cultivate and care for it. Look after it. Nourish it. Enter relationships with the goal it’s for a long time, that means there is plenty time.

2. Relationships Fade – the question is do you want it to? If not, keep the relationship alive by connecting often.

A quick ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you?’, send something to the person they know they would like, a link to an interesting post you think they may enjoy is free!

3. Know What a Person Likes – how can you find out? Follow them, see what they Tweet and share, what they talk about.

Read about pages on websites, read their bios.

If you share a common interest in dogs or coffee, there is the first commonality. In the ‘real world’ conversation take legs when the communicators are sharing common ground.

Find it. If you really have no idea, just ask.

4. Listen and Thank Often – if someone has made an impact, offered advice, say thank you.

A tweet, a card, a mention, small gestures take hardly any time, and they do  matter.

5. Give Networking Your Time – great networking takes time.

Please don’t be a ‘collector’, or a number cruncher.

Diary and timetable networking into your day or week. Write down key people in your network, plus people you wish to start a relationship with. And just connect with them. You don’t need to contact the same people each week. Rotate, keep on top of it.

Make your networking a habit, part of your routines.

6. Ask How The Person Likes to Connect – my preferred ‘networking’ tool is Facebook, followed by Twitter.

It’s okay to ask people their preference, you are showing them respect. Some prefer email. Keep a note of this information, and useit.

7. All Sizzled Out – keep networks alive.

If the relationships dies, then take accountability for it and learn from it. It takes less time to move from ‘knowing of someone’ to knowing someone’.

Is there anyone you can rekindle with today? Explain that you let it sizzle, apologise and ask if they want to reconnect?

8. Adopt the Phrase ‘Connection is Key‘ – this isn’t just in networking, this is life.

Connection, belonging, sharing, being part of, caring, relating is a human need. If you enter each relationships  with the premise ‘Connection is Key’ not ‘Collecting is Key’ you’ll be miles ahead.

9. Expect Nothing in Return – many people network so they can see what they can ‘get in return’. They assume the relationship is about them, no relationship lasts when it’s one sided.

10. Share, Share, Share – it is hard to keep up-to-date with all the information, even with the best will in the world we can miss what our networks are sharing.

Use timely or buffer, add them to your toolbar. Again, allocating time will allow you to catch up.

11. It’s Two Way, Not Your Way – relationships are built on effective communication, trust, respect, compromise, compassion, we both know that. Build rapport, take accountability for it.

Rapport is not the same as ‘fake niceties’ , rapport is genuine, authentic, honest:

“Rapport is the ability to enter someone else’s world, to make him feel that you understand him, that you have a strong common bond. It’s the ability to go fully from your map of the world to his map of the world. It’s the essence of successful communication.” … Anthony Robbins

12. Practice, Practice, Practice – get into the real world, meet people face-to-face, notice how you interact, observe how your communication is received begin by asking yourself ‘what can I bring to this relationship?’

13. Keep Up-To-Date – make it easy to keep updated with your networks.

You could set up Google Alerts, you may want to use the persons name or their blog, website. Google Alerts will email you information every time the alert you set up is mentioned on the Internet.

14. What If You’re Shy? – difference between shy and being scared.

If you’re scared, are you ready to network? That may seem like a stupid question, but some of my clients have told me they can networking online, much easier than face-to-face.

You can be shy and build excellent relationships, can’t you? You can do both.

Fear diminishes with practice. If scared, connect via something you have in common, see no 3.

15. Be Fearless – that’s fearless, not frightening!

Regardless what you may believe, the majority of people get a little apprehension and butterflies when networking.

Just remember you are communicating to another human being, treat, act and behave as you wish to be treated. I promise you won’t go wrong!

But get out there, send those introductory emails and tweets, tell people why you would like to connect further (without desperation or a sell, which will put anyone right off!) Be the person to step up to someone with an extended hand!

16. Know When to Back Away – nobody likes to be hounded, we can all ‘tell’ when we need to back off from a relationship, same online.

17. Keep Notes and Information – in the real world, after a networking event, it’s not uncommon to write a few notes and reminders to the back of business cards you were handed.

You can use Twitter lists for this online, or even create a mind map with key pieces of information.

18. Don’t Force – no relationship can be forced, this has always been the case. A forced relationship can’t be sustained or maintained.

19. Give 10x More Than You Get – how though? Be genuine, be helpful, ask if someone is okay, share blog posts, connect and introduce, ask people how you can help, reply to messages.

It’s not rocket – give more, take less.

20. Connect and Introduce- online and off, connect people.

You could be making a fantastic first introduction for someone. You aren’t responsible for the relationship, just the intro.

Maybe that’s something to remember networker and connectors are very valuable. Many people ‘hold onto’ their networking, assuming the person doesn’t have enough relationship to go around. They do! Share!

21. Humans – never, ever, ever forget, that’s what networking is. Human interaction.

Think gardening: seed, nourish, cultivate, grow, reseed!

Your Turn

What is your number 1 networking tip? Share in the comments below.

Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons Mommy Victory

You may perceive that others have been granted insider life information and they aren’t afraid to tell and sell you that they have it and you most certainly don’t, and because you don’t you’re the one ‘missing’ out.

For example, have you ever come across these:

• The Biggest Kept Secret to Looking and Feeling Great
• The Number One Secret to Making Next Year Your Best Yet
• The Secret to Losing Weight, Forever
• 7 Hidden Secrets to Getting What You Really Want
• The Secret to Finding Your One True Passion

Fantastic headlines (nothing wrong with that) however there are no secrets.

None.

When you read information about anything being a secret, ask yourself ‘is it really a secret’, if it’s a secret why on earth is the person sharing it?

When anyone is selling you on a secret, they know what they are doing, they have your mind in a state of curiosity, and your brain loves that. Always has. Always will.

Being human we don’t want to be left out, we like being let in on a secret.

It’s ingrained in our conditioning. Remember the days of your childhood when your friend said ‘can you keep a secret’? How special did you feel?

There are no secrets.

Why am I telling you this?

Question everything, you probably know the information already.

Maybe you just need to apply it. And that has never been a secret.

Who do you listen to? Are they accurate?

When you read those statements you may get a fleeting little fuzzy picture of some sort of ideal scenario in your mind of how you would like your life to be.

Then it passes as quickly as it came and you carry on doing what you were doing.

See, goals are great, yet they are only guestimations.

And resolutions, well…erm… I’ve said my piece on resolving gunk at new year before, and I still feel the same as I did last year.

Guestimations are fantastic.

Even better is having direction. A mission. A statement of intent if you like.

Let’s play with writing a mission statement:

Assume you’re a cruise ship heading from the Mediterranean to the Bahamas, the chances are you will make it to the sunny shores. You may venture off course every now and then, and have to correct yourself by make adjustments to get yourself back on the right path, unless you sink, you’ll make it!

You will arrive because you at least know the direction you’re sailing.

You will have set sail with a good enough plan.

Most people set sail in life with no direction.

No plan, no rough idea, or no thought of the land on the horizon.

They have the goal to sail, but that’s it.

The entire crew of your ship before they raised even the anchor knew their mission and direction. Everyone systematically playing their part to make sure that you arrive in one piece.

Do you have a mission statement?

Have you sat down and thought (great first step, thinking that is), then captured (written, even better second step) your mission statement?

It’s not the easiest task in the world.

Mainly because it’s not something we’re taught  and does require a little self reflection and awareness. And you may need to ask yourself some breakthrough ‘Quest-ions’.

How to write a mission statement

Just write. Bullets, words, statements, remember the quotes that have stuck in your mind? Maybe they will help. I know, you may be have expected some secret tool, but there isn’t one.

In short, you want to create a statement (how long is up to you) about who how you want to live your life and what person do you want to be.

Remember the ‘fuzzy little picture’ you get when people ask you what are your goals? You only need to spend sometime making those pictures clearer. Seeing and describing what would be your ideal (make sure your mission isn’t someone else’s mission.)

Don’t edit, plenty time to refine later, just write.

You do know how you want your life to be, we all do.

Consider your career, your business (if you have one), lifestyle, health, spirituality, learning. It’s your mission, it can be whatever you want it to be.

What you may find happen is: as you write the ‘hidden’ depths of who you are appear, again, don’t edit.

Don’t question what comes up as you write, don’t dismiss what you think is ‘impossible’ or a dream. A mission is usually a big deal!

Refer to it often.

Rewrite it if needed.

Play with it. It will change.

It will begin to include values, goals, hopes, dreams, ways of being, ideals. The end result is creating your own little manifesto, a piece you can refer back to when you are making decisions about your life and career.

You may write to be a ‘loving, considerate, listening parent’, the next time your children test your patience where in the past a quick barking may have been on the cards, you may pause and remember your mission.

A mission sits in allignment with your core values. It’s another piece of the life of passion and purpose puzzle.

It’s just another tool to add to your personal development toolkit, yet a powerful one. Your choice if you want to give it a shot.

Your turn

Have you written a personal mission statement? Does it work for you? Is it something that keeps you on track? 

Now, it includes events, some of you will probably not make the journey to Edinburgh, Scotland for a couple of hours but it also includes (if you sign up for updates) lots of careers info and advice.

Without a doubt the biggest benefit to the Careers Cafe is going to be connections, support and meeting people face to face, however the Careers Cafe Facebook page  is all geared up and ready to deliver to you excellent careers information on a daily basis.

So, even if you can’t make a trip here, at least you’ll be still able to read some awesome articles and get advice.

Click Here to Read More and Discover the Careers Cafe

The first ‘session’ of 2012 is Discovering Your Big Why

If you are a career coach or careers blogger, and you wish to guest post for the new site or you want to get involved at events please contact me, the aim is to make the career cafe an affordable, inspring, rich and rewarding website, resource and community for:

• Work returners, changers and shifters
• Solopreneurs wishing to start their own business
• People no longer wishing to just settle in their career
• Professionals in search for a complete career change
• Creative and multi-passionate people wishing to get focused
• New solo business owners struggling to differentiate themselves

So you spend hours (days, weeks, months even) writing a CV, and completing application forms. You pour your soul over it, it’s tough going and then you send it away.

You wait, you wonder, you think about the ‘hiring’ employer and hope they have read your masterpiece.

You wait some more, and then a little more.

You hear nothing.

You say ‘I’ve sent out my CV to 20 places and heard nothing back’. You get disheartened.

You think you might call them and ask for some feedback. But you don’t.

Okay…what I’m about to share with you is not good news, in fact, it’s a bit of a horror story.

I couldn’t even make it up.

But don’t panic, just yet.

Ready?

Let me give you a little background…

I spend a lot of time online.

I stalk a mammoth amount of websites mainly looking for questions that people are asking about careers, confidence and starting a little biz, which in turn help me to create blog posts for you (well that’s the plan!)

Part of this addiction is forums, you know, online communities where people with similar interests, ideas or businesses hang out and get inspired, motivated, annoyed and sometimes generally have moan.

Just a couple of weeks ago I visited a very large and popular small business forum, and there was one thread that caught my eye.

It had the title ‘How hard do you find it to hire staff?’ and it had about 50 replies from various business owners who are responsible for hiring and firing.

My interest was in the replies.

I wanted to know from the horses mouth (people hiring) what they found hard, mainly so I can help you.

This isn’t pretty but here are some of the replies to that thread and the reason why I’m so glad you’re here.

Rather than write that usual trite nonsense, just tell us if you are a psycho loner liable to go on a shooting rampage or are insecure with a strong herd instinct.

Spent all afternoon reading vacuous nonsense-filled CVs composed of trite phrases which mean little and tell me nothing about the person as an individual. I could feel my life ebbing away.

The more people are given ‘help’ with CVs by well meaning people the more all CVs are saying the same thing. Several of the ones I read today left me with no better idea of the person behind them at all so were binned.

I will choose on looks and that’s entirely human nature – last time we interviewed, one bloke had no chance before he’d even spoken as he was scruffy with tattoos everywhere. (What!)

The other ball-ache about recruiting is the job centre applicants that turn up because they have too or their benefits will be stopped. (This one made my blood boil)

I heard about one person who had 200+ CVs on their desk.. they split the pile in 2 randomly and threw one half in the bin. They claimed that they did not want to hire unlucky people! (Stunned, I’m stunned!)

Blame the job centre and the “back to work” organisations that assist young job-seekers. It’s practically part of the template they use – job-seeker’s home address, today’s date and trite fluff. (Blame? Seriously?!)

The worst part about all this interviewing malarky is that clearly some of the people you have seen cannot even read the advert so how are they supposed to the job?

It was the same crap CV after CV of generic answers taken from job websites. In the end I put all of the what I called ‘void of personality’ CV’s to one side and interviewed the one’s that looked as though they actually gave a dam about getting a job and tailored their CV to the particular job.

I told you it wasn’t pretty.

How do you feel about these? Surprised or angered?

The above is negative news. Some of them are against the law, rude and so darn obnoxious (in my humble opinion). But my professional Careers Hat understands some of the frustrations.

We aren’t given these career lessons in school, we don’t learn this ‘stuff’ until the time comes when we need it.

If you want to hang around so that you never have to work for any of the above click here, or if you live local to Edinburgh, visit the new Careers Cafe website.

Your Turn

Erm, your thoughts? I’m still stunned, what do you say? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

I like breaking arrows. With my throat. I like to see other people break arrows with their throat.

Now, I first got to try this when I was training to become a fire walking instructor, and I actually wasn’t thinking (at first) ‘this is impossible’ because I knew it could be done, I’d witnessed others in the group: snap snap snappity snap.

Rejoice. Clap. Clap. Clap. (cue winning punch)

The time came for me to get up there, in front of my peers

Wow, what a thought rush was had.

In the space of 10 seconds my brain screamed: ‘don’t do this, risky, this is risky, it’s going to hurt, what if you’re the first person the arrow doesn’t break for, oh you’ll be fine, don’t make a fool of yourself, get up there, others are watching you better do it, what if it goes through your eye, what if you can’t do this, you’ll look a right fool, just do it, don’t, relax, your so nervous…on and on’.

Quietly asking my brain to butt out, up I continued.

So there I was, with the sharp end of the arrow on the soft supply part of my throat, the other end against a wall, all I had to do was take a step forward.

One step. One slight movement. Just enough to encourage the shaft to bend, then snap.

That was it.

One push.

And in that ‘moment’ is where most get stuck.

Not just in breaking arrows, but all through life.

That point when the task, activity, goal, idea, whatever it is, requires a final push. When you need to deliver.

That point where a little pain is felt. It’s uncomfortable, not life threatening, but still not pleasant.

That point where there are moments of doubt and ‘can I actually do this, oh wait, hold on, let me stop and think’.

That point where the easiest option is to take a step back and say ‘oh I can’t, maybe next time‘.

Or even worse, getting stopped. Not being able to move forwards or back. There you are stuck with pain and you’re choosing to do nothing about it.

But, you’re going to have to let go at some point, yes? Either by choosing to release yourself from the pain or by going through it.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

One day, you may decide to take part in this activity. And I can’t even express in words how you’ll feel, because it’s not really about breaking arrows, but smashing through resistance.

Where do you need to take one small step forward today? What requires a final push?

Do it. Or release it.

Share&Get it !

Now then, let’s get on with ways to improve your CV

Writing a CV is obvious.

It’s so simple, so glaring.

You know it, but do you do it?

You know why you have CV, you probably know a lot about the definite ‘do’s and don’t’, but some even ignore those.

Your cv has one job — sell.

You do this by selling you not by telling you.

People waste months, squandering their time over tiny details that aren’t going to make a hoot of a difference anyway – where if they just focused on the ‘sell’, I bet the process would be easier.

Here’s 7 Ways You Can Improve Your CV Now

1. Skip the Foreplay

What do you have in there that is just a warm up, especially at your personal profile or statement.

Read your CV from your readers perspective, not yours.

At each point ask yourself, ‘so what, who cares, what’s in it for them’  — take ten minutes and think of the reasons why each point  will benefit them, not you.

If you can’t answer it, or it’s not good enough, get it out.

If it starts ‘reliable and hardworking’, or any other CV cliché, come on, seriously? After all your experience, knowledge, qualifications, that’s the most important part.

I bet it’s not.

The first line of your CV has a purpose, to get the next line read, then the next, then the next all the way to the last point.

Yes, people skim CV’s. Highlight in bold two or three of the absolute golden nuggets.

Struggle with sentence structure? Then write smaller sentences.

If you have used a comma, replace it with a full stop. Make the process easy on the eye for the reader. Help them out.

2. Start With Your Strongest Benefit

Will the person reading, instantly (or within 10 seconds) know they will be better of if they meet/hire you?

Or have you hidden your biggest assets? Are they in there somewhere but lost half way down the page.

e.g. Applying for a managerial position?

You could begin your profile with ‘Manager, with 12 years leadership experience…’ not ‘Exceptional communication and interpersonal skills’.

Specific, concrete, to the point. Answer instantly what they are seeking.

Answer the advert, job description or person specification.

3. Yuckie Font Type & Cramming

No comic sans — that is all. No. Never.

If you want to know why download and read ‘Why Your CV is Going In The Bin’.

The rule (norm or general consensus) is no more than 2 pages. However, that doesn’t mean you squish and squash everything in because you have too much to say!

Cramming does nothing to help the reader. Create plenty white space.

Why? It’s easier to read.

If you are sending your CV via email or recruitment websites and it’s going to be read from a screen, you need to consider this even more.

Light comes from behind and if it’s crammed, with hardly any or no white space it’s very hard to read.

4. Be Respectful of Da Bullet!

Yes, add bullets.

But a list of 20 bullets ‘kinda defeats the purpose of having bullets, no?

• Bullets are little mini important statements
• Bullets allow your reader to move easily down the page
• Bullets aren’t paragraphs, paragraphs are paragraphs!
• Bullets are lists, we skim bullets, focus at bullet 1, 3, and 7. Make them important.
• Bullets can also be used to highlight to mark important points
• Bullets! The key is in the name, quick information
• Bullets in a CV allow for better digestion of key information

Go through your CV ask yourself if each bullet sells you. Have you repeated yourself in any bullet?

Have you got the most important in 1, 3, 7th place?

Have you more than 7?

Rewrite and delete the fluff.

5. The Layout

Choose the right layout for you, not because it’s a pretty ‘free template’, either chronological, functional or combined.

What’s the difference?

A chronological CV is a good layout to use to showcase your experience and career for a progressive role.

Let’s assume your entire career has been in retail, you started as a Sales Assistant and now are a Manager, maybe not all roles were with the same company, but you can clearly layout your route from where you started to where you are now.

Using a chronological layout: (if applying for a position within the same field) the reader will no doubt recognise the route you have taken.

In your personal statement, clearly state what you are wishing to achieve next in your career, why the experience you have to date will bring added value to the position that is available. Layout positions worked, bullet key experience, qualifications, and your achievements.

A functional CV is great for showcasing your skills and expertise rather than the chronology of your employment so far.

Choose a functional CV if you have gaps in employment or if you have worked for many organisations & employers.

Perhaps your career involves short term contracts, a variety of part time work or you’ve been freelancing, a functional CV will showcase you the best.

Using a functional layout: use the personal statement to showcase achievements.

Choose 4/5 of your key skills to highlight, remembering to keep bullet points to the point. Include voluntary and nonpaid work if it relevant to the position.

6. Sell Don’t Tell

Think of the last ‘big weekly shop’ that you did.

(Go with me here, it’ll make sense, I promise.)

How did you end up with the items you paid for?

Let’s assume ginger nuts were bought. Did buy on how the ingredients were sourced, that the packaging is suitable for recycling or that the butter used was from a cow running free in a field. (You may have, in which case substitute gingernuts for something else!)

Or did you buy them because you remember that you like to dip a ginger nut in a cuppa, watching your favourite TV program, which was coming on that night, you could see yourself all comfy, relaxed enjoying the experience, which is funny as there is a picture on the package with someone doing the same thing!

Sell the benefits.

Heard the saying…

Tell me I forget. Show me I remember. Involve me I understand

An example:

Tell: Worked as a HR assistant with responsibility for administration and training event planning.

Sell: As an HR assistant, 3 years experience working with Senior Managers. Co-ordinated and organised the smooth running of 40+ in house training events per year for all staff. Supported managers in the organising of interview days. Solely responsible for job fair recruitment and used past marketing experience to produce recruitment materials. Proficient in Microsoft Office packages and Adobe Photoshop.

7. Don’t Lose Steam

Your personal profile is the sizzle.

The grabber of attention.

The remainder is the juicy steak.

Remember your reader, they have a pile of CV’s to get through. They will probably have read the same information over and over, in CV’s that have been put together by people who think that their entire CV is going to be read.

Try it, read the same chapter of a book 200 times!

Get their attention, read points 1 and 2. And then keep going.

Don’t lose steam because it’s the last page.

Use plenty verbs. Create pictures in their head.

And never disappoint.

If you give them sizzle via your Personal Profile, proving you have for the role much more than what they were looking for, don’t you dare disappoint them.

Have you ever waited ages for a meal and it was rotten? Same thing applies. Keep the quality the whole way through.

Sorry, but the date, title and where and then the line ‘worked at the (insert where) doing (insert title)’ is a lack of steam.

Choose a functional CV if you struggle or find you are repeating yourself.

Getting to hobbies and interests and putting in any old thing, is a lack of steam.

Making up dates and times, is a lack of steam (and lying!)

Lastly, don’t hold back.

Ever.

Your CV is a selling activity, recruiters are expecting to be sold the best you.

Make yourself marketable.

If you struggle finding good things to say about you, it’s an esteem issue, this will help.

Struggle on the structure. Short. Snappy. Sentences.

Need Help?

Sign up for the updates you’ll receive a free report to help you write your CV called ‘Why Your CV is Going In The Bin (and what you can do about it) or consider some private coaching, and if you’re in Edinburgh come to a careers cafe.

Quick comfort zone tips:

1. Your life isn’t a great big failure if you’ve teeny areas of comfort: yes, to grow you sometimes have to do that which scares senseless, but some comfort zones you’ll need, as you prepare and launch for the big stretch.
2. You don’t need to make one big leap all at once out an imaginary zone. Push yourself everyday.
3. They don’t really exist, it’s all in your head.  True.
4. Breathe, and give yourself permission to take it at your speed, get into the flow baby!
5. You always can stretch further than you may think, try it every now and then.
6. Know why you are stuck in a zone, change or reframe that first.
7. Minimise personal risk.

Got more time?

Excellent…

Let’s start with a little blame and moaning because that’s really useful!

FC Houghton and CP Yaglou have a lot to answer for.

Who?

Precisely.

Science bitty ahead…

Back in 1923 they coined the phrase ‘Comfort Zone‘: they weren’t coaches, psychologists, or personal development gooroos.

Nope, they worked for the American Society of Heating and Ventilating Engineers and they developed the Effective Temperature Scale: the temperature range at which the naked human body is able to maintain a heat balance without shivering or sweating.

Science over. Phew!

Aside (and completely irrelevant): did you know the words hot-diggety-dog, hitch-hike, and popsicle also made it to the dictionary in 1923.

‘Gonna challenge myself and use them all before I reach the end this post.

The term comfort zone is an excellent metaphor, it has stood the test of self-help and quotes time, it’s well and truly stuck.

Our brains just ‘get’ it.

Why?

We know what comfort is — oh, yummy, nice, easy, simple, no stress, tuck me in place.

We know what zone is — small, shut off, red lights, barriers, isolation, do not enter here.

Plop the two together, visual perfection.

We both know that a quote such as:

‘You must step out your comfort zone and realise your dreams‘

Actually means: ‘move it, quit the fear, you know what you need to do, get going, stop stalling and resisting, get your butt in gear now, nothing was ever achieved by just sitting on thumb, for goodness sake will you just do it already’.

Yeah.

We all get that.

Or

‘Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new‘ 

Actually means: ‘you know all the sweat, shaking, fear, pit of your stomach butterflies, terrifying thoughts that you are having? Well it’s worth it, perfectly normal, get it moving’.

Comfort Zone sums it all up, nicely packaged.

However…

I read a post recently that said: “90% of people live in their comfort zone and that you are tired, depressed, worthless, just surviving and life is mediocre if you are.”

Hot-Diggity-Dog!

Really?

No proof though, not even a link to the research. Shame!

(Rolling Eyes) Oh wait. It wasn’t another made up piece of woowoo to scare people who already feel vulnerable? No, surely not!

A bit like the myth ‘you only use 10% of your brain’ nonsense or ‘our brains are like sponges’. Pah!

Just telling you to ‘step out your comfort zone’, to me, is a bit like telling someone who is experiencing depression to ‘pull themselves together’.

It’s not going to work.

You have a reason for being in the zone. It may not be a good reason to everyone else, but it is for you. You’re getting something from it, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.

If I had my way I would ban the use of the words ‘Comfort Zones’.

It wouldn’t work though.

No, I’m not being defeatist; it’s because it’s that sticky.

It’s a bit like the majority of us call implements that clean up the floor ‘hoovers’. When you may have a Dyson, or Vax. Or doing an Internet search you say ‘I’ll Google it’ not ’I'll Yahoo/Bing/MSN it’.

And anyway what would I replace them with? From the top of my head…

Sheep Pens? Fear Circles? Puddles? Enter Area 51?

Nah. The phrase works.

So we’ll roll with it.

But..

Can we pllleeeaasssee go a little deeper…

A comfort zone  is psychological ‘place’ where you feel comfortable, at ease, not threatened, it’s what you physically, psychological and emotionally can tolerate.

1. You have thousands of comfort zones (plural). Life isn’t one big zone.

Some you will find it easy to stretch, others not so much. And it all depends on your self-image in the area of the zone.

And like the temperature scale, you probably have a few degrees either side of what you can tolerate.

See, ‘step out’ your comfort zone, suggests that you need to move it all in one go. No. You can shimmy, hop, skip, jump, baby step your way out.

2. Stepping out can do more than harm than good. What! Yes, keep reading.

Say for example you have a fear about public speaking (which you’ve been taught, but we’ll get to that another day), you decide to step out your ‘zone’ and just go for it.

Up onto the podium you go.

What if you bomb? What if it is w-a-y worse than you ever thought it would be. You just want to hitch-hike (word two!) it out the country. It was really painful to you and your audience.

What, truthfully, is the chance of you ever trying again sometime soon?

Nope, you will return very quickly to the ‘safe zone’ or otherwise known (in this example) as the ‘I can’t speak in public zone’ and rest up there.

I’m not saying don’t ever step. I’m saying weigh up all the risks. If the risks are HIGH, you may need to have carry out a ‘mental’ risk assessment. Is the risk worth it? How can you minimise the risk before the stepping?

Which leads me to…

3. Where’s the advice if it all goes belly up and you’re left worse off for stepping?

To come out some of your comfort zones you may need (sometimes), tools, knowledge, experience before you make the step, safely.

And it might go pear shaped, it might. But then it might not. Trying something once, not succeeding is not enough evidence to never try again.

4. What’s the matter with having a wee stretch?

Say, you want to move house. You’re scared. A little apprehensive. Do you just say ‘I’m stepping’ and instruct your estate agent to buy for you any house on the market? No. You go and look at a few. You see what others are like. You wander around others living spaces picturing what it would be like if you lived there.

You ask questions. You drive round the area, perhaps visit the schools and go to the local take away.

Why can’t the same be translated into other areas of your life?

Want to write a book? Then take a writing class.

Want to change career? Then speak to the people doing the career you want. Go visiting to companies and organisation you want to work for.

Want to start a business? Then attend networking events and conferences where business owners are meeting.

Test it. Stretch it.

You are able to increase the comfort zone temperature a couple of degrees yes? Well, once you are there, in the new zone, and that becomes comfortable do the next thing, then the next, then the next.

Stepping out a comfort zone, is not to scare yourself half to death. Well, it doesn’t have to be. Why would anyone want to do that anyway?

5. When can you rest a little, take a breather and then move on again?

Do you have to do it all at once? I believe a little breather every now and then is okay. You aren’t stopping. You are resting. Pace it.

6. Is it much more advantageous to know why you are ‘in there’ in the first place?

Now, this is a mega one. If you’re in a zone that you don’t like, that you know it’s not good for you and are fighting resistance to stay there because it is feeding and offering you something (only you will know what), I think the first step is facing the reason why.

And, in my experience when you know the reason why, zones actually crumble anyway. You no longer think in ‘zones’. The world becomes access all areas.

7. They all aren’t that bad!

You need some. Your brain will not allow you to be unsafe. It’s primary role is survival: safety.

Good coaches/trainers/mentors know that no matter how they work you with, we cannot move you forward. 80% of the time we are challenging your resistance to change or you’re challenging us to stop bringing up your resistance!

You already know where in life you are crouched into a teeny little ball, held hostage and small.

And you know what needs done.

Yes, you do.

Whether you do it or not, well that’s a different story.

Comfort zones don’t exist, they are only there because you have created the ideas of what is and is not possible for you: where you are comfortable, your images of who you are, where you think you belong, self-esteem, confidence, beliefs all play a part.

If you’re carrying out a behaviour that makes you anxious, a little stressed, uncomfortable, trust your brain. It’s your inbuilt self-regulator or thermostat: it won’t let you be unsafe, it will get you the hell out of there.

It will however search for past experiences, emotions and physical responses, so it knows how to behave for you. If you have already taught it that the ‘one thing’ that stretches you is ‘horrible, you can’t do it, you’ll fail, oh remember the last time’ it can only give you the physical, psychological and emotional response that matches the thought.

First, change the thoughts. See yourself in the situation actually doing it, all through your thoughts. (There is an exercise in this post that will help.)

So, here’s a plan…

Write down 10 things that scare the hell out of you but you want to bring about:

1. Ask yourself, is this worth the risk?
2. How do you know?
3. What will carrying it through give you?
4. What will it take away?
5. What will you be trading or giving up?
6. How can you minimise the risk?
7. Where did you learn that it was scary?
8. Do you have enough personal proof, or did you gather evidence it from others?
9. If it’s worth it, when will you start to build up the evidence that you will be safe?
10. Who can you recruit?

Don’t think they have to be  massive: making cold calls, putting out a newsletter, joining a group, sending of your CV, joining a class, losing weight, dealing better with conflict.

Choose 10 that you have been resisting.

Okay, at the end of all this maybe FC Houghton and CP Yaglou did coin a great phrase, out of all the metaphors for personal growth and development it is a good one, if they were still alive I probably would buy them a popsicle (I know, bad choice. But the word didn’t fit elsewhere.)

Go and do your best…

But before you do, here’s two fantastic mindmaps all about comfort zones.

They are from Paul at MindMapInspiration (follow him on twitter at @mindmapdrawer). Click on the image and you’ll be taken to his website — which is mindmap heaven, and awesomeness.

Like the mindmap? (It is good, I agree) Click on it to go to mindmapinspiration — loads more.

And again Paul Foremans Mindmaps — click on it to go to mindmapart.com

Your Turn

Tips, techniques, tools, ideas for moving past resistance and stretching a comfort zone?

Photo credits: IceSwimming

I’ve just added a 33 page, ‘quicketie’ read, tips, tricks and ‘please do this instead’ report called:

Why Your CV Ends Up In The Bin

(and what you can do about it)

It includes chapters on:

• The Don’ts: What You Must Never Ever Do
• How to Write Your Personal Profile (the part that makes people squirm in their pants)
• A Section on Cover Letters (don’t overlook the cover letter)
• Shattering Myths, why CV’s aren’t hard and it’s all in your head
• The CV Stink Test! Part fun, part serious!
• What Your CV Must Do, Always, No Excuse
• And touching on the new ways of job search

It was available a while back, but I took it down as it needed a serious upgrade. So this was done today, and it’s all shiny again ready for you to download.

If that sounds useful, you know what to do, fill in your email in the little box below and I’ll send it to you toot sweet.

CV Critiques:

Update: this is now ended

Missed it? You can still help yourself to the free report above, and you’ll also hear if it happens again.

Not got time to read ’cause you’re having a ‘day’? Here’s 5 Quick Tips:

1. Working alone does not equal being alone: change your state, talk, make a call, anything!
2. It’s okay to raise a white flag no matter who you are or what you ‘do’. Cut yourself some slack.
3. It’s okay to have a ‘day of rest’ or ‘not going to plan’! Oh, I think that means we’re human!
4. Connection, connection, connection is KEY. Vital. Enough said.
5. Hang out with people who don’t ‘rescue’ you.

When was the last time you had a non productive day?

What do you mean you’ve never had one? You, you, you…saint!

I’ve just had one. Today.

I had great plans. Cultivated and seeded in writing before shuteye last night. Pretty little ‘get done’ list it was, handwritten too.

Woke up raring to go. Champing at the bit to get started.

But.

Today totally bombed. It was siphoned away from me, doing loads, but doing nothing.

The Teeny Weeny Problem With Plans

Please, no advice such as ‘why didn’t you just follow the plan’. I thought I was!

Plans are awesome, but surprise surprise, they they don’t work, when the person working them isn’t in top working order!

Funny, because I was reading Made to Stick (a great book on why some ideas stick and why some don’t, it’s in our bookstore: look under the category creativity, click here)

Authors Dan and Chip Heath discussed how armies plan, plan, plan, plan and plan some more. But when it comes to the crunch the army knows ‘No plan survives contact with the enemy’.

In the past (during perfectionism days) I would plod, today at 3pm I waved my white flag.

The enemy? Just me.

How do you manage your ‘off’ days?

I turned to a lovely group of extremely (cough cough) understanding peeps and said  ‘I need a serious kick up the a*se, I have accomplished nada today’.

Being ever so caring and empathic, in a funnykindasorta way, they listened (well read) and replied:

1. Have you had your coffee?  (Which made me laugh)
2. What is your preferred method of getting nothing done?

My what?!!

Preferred methods of getting nothing done

Huh?

Do you not just LOVE that?

I soooooooo did! No guilt, no beating myself up, no screaming or kicking myself at the waste of time.

My Well Thought Out Equation…

Laugher + Completely Different Perspective On Situation = Instant State Change

A quick break, cuppa and zippity back to it.

On reflection, do you know what I needed today the most?

Connection

That was all?

Yep.

Exactly what I say to you. We all need to feel part of, to belong, to feel connected.

Today, I just wasn’t feeling it. I needed to walk my talk.

And that applies to everyone, including solo business owners, I mean we aren’t Orangutans! We need connections.

(Apparently Orangutans like to live and work alone, but hermit crabs don’t, that’s a myth, they bury themselves hence the hermit part! I did have hermit crabs, but double checked and apparently Orangutans come out tops with not needing any connection!)

When I replied to the ‘preferred method of getting nothing done’, I was actually stunned at what I had achieved but hadn’t planned to ‘get done’ today.

So, how can I help you today? Do you need to connect?

Your Turn

How do you manage your ‘off’ days? Tips, techniques and silliness welcomed in the comments below, keep it clean though. 

Photo credit again the lovely Hiking Artist

1. You’ll know the exact time when you get there.

2. Or if you decide you didn’t want it after all.

Add extra time for getting steered off track.

Add extra time for not being serious.

Add extra time for not taking accountability: waiting for it to be delivered to you or your lucky break.

Add extra time for not believing in your ability to reach the goal.

Add extra time if you are scared of being criticised, ridiculed or stepping away from the norm.

Add extra time if you are frightened of failing.

How much ‘extra’ time?

Go back to number 1 and repeat.

To  help you decide which routes to take try this otherwise get a pen, write down the time and date now, start, when you’re done write down the time, and the date, calculate the hours, minutes, days, months, years, or long decades inbetween.

Start.

How long? Who actually knows?

And as the quote says: “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?“

Have you heard of Jane Tomlinson?

In 2003 she was awarded the most Inspirational Woman in Britain. In 2000 she was told she just 6 months to live, her diagnosis was breast cancer.

She passed away in 2007, after leaving a massive legacy, and (for me) she’s a perfect example of someone who lived moxie.

Why?

Because of her courage and bravery. I didn’t know her personally, I watched her life unfold from the sidelines. She deserved (IMO) 100% her award, she had guts, sheer determination, passion and offered hope to others, changed (and still does through her appeal) many lives, all while she faced her own adversity.

After diagnosis, going through numerous bouts of chemotherapy plus heart disease she raised £1,850,000 for charity: marathons, triathlons, cycling John O Groats to Lands End, Rome to Home, and make the 6781.8 km ride across America.

If you live in the UK, Europe or the States she passed your way.

That’s moxie, an epic life.

Moxie…

Slang

• the ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage.
• nerve, audacity, pluck and perseverance
• strength of character, determination
• guts, backbone, gumption

I’m in love with it.

Are you living moxie?

I think it’s an incredibly passionate word.

The word itself is, well, moxie!

And the reason it packs such an emotional punch is because (I believe) we have all lived moxie and will continue to do so as long as we’re here.

Including you.

Yes, you.

Don’t look round, it’s you and me here.

Maybe you don’t think you have any ‘moxie-ness’, and well, of course that could be true. Yet, we all have/are/will face our own challenges, and I’ll stick my neck on the line and say I bet you have it.

What life challenges and stories of adversity am I talking about…phew…well, for starters let’s look at my past clients:

Mental ill health, depression, unemployment, addictions, lack of meaningful relationships, lack of confidence, worth, feelings of hopelessness, getting fired, working a job you HATE, losing a business, marrying for the wrong reasons, divorce, unfaithfulness in marriage/relationships, debt, caring for a loved one, being deceived and lied to, dyslexia, homelessness, ill health, differently able, loss and grief, abuse, unable to have children, failing at…, being ‘different’, poverty, coming out, stigma, prejudice, bullying, rape…fill in the blank…

The list is endless. It’s individual.

And if you faced your challenges with courage, for the purpose of this post, you are to me, a living moxie.

Let me prove it to you

There’s a great phrase sweeping personal development, the ‘tinternet and motivational land’ right now, which is ‘be epic’.

I believe it includes being the hero/heroine of your own life.

The periods in your life where you’ve raised your game, with all your strength (when the easiest option was to crawl away) to make it out the other side: stronger, and a better person.

Living moxie is epic in itself

There’s a string of famous people you’ll recognise by name who have lived with courage, guts, determination and overcome their adversity: Helen Keller (born differently abled), Oprah Winfrey (raped as a child), Lance Armstrong (cancer), Micheal J Fox (Parkinson’s Disease), Christopher Reeve (spinal injury), and Stephen Fry (Bipolar).

(I do hate labels, do you?)

Back to you…

What about the people who live either side of you, in your street, in your town?

Those who aren’t listed in the Inc. 500, appeared on daytime TV, or have been awarded the OBE.

The people with stories and personal circumstances come to you via a friend of a friend, maybe even gossip or a family member.

I bet you’ll have plenty of examples of people in your life are living moxie.

Can you think of them now?

Are you able to pin down what they are teaching others?

Moxies teach great lessons…

Many of my own past clients have lived moxie, and still do.

They taught me lessons that aren’t taught elsewhere. They have changed my beliefs, values and shaped me into the person I am today. Yes, my clients did that, the people who I was training, taught me, probably more than they ever realised.

Plus human interest stories. The story that another human being is playing their part in on the other side of the world.

What is it about their story that touches you?

That makes you sit up and take notice.

Makes you connect with them without ever knowing them.

Like their message was meant just for you.

Is it because you can relate?

See, there’s no shortage of people to tell us their woes and troubles.

But there is a huge shortage of people sharing lessons that inspire and stick.

The powerful stories that come into your consciousness when you are facing your own, that make you think ‘if they can do that, so can I’: the stories that teach us how to live moxie.

Choosing to live a moxie life…

It is. Just a choice. A decision you make.

You don’t need to be facing any adversity at the time. You can choose to live moxie constantly.

• It’s choosing to live in this world with courage and letting go of all fears.
• It’s choosing to make decisions, get committed, determined and going all out to make things happen for you.
• It’s choosing personal power, and empowering others.
• It’s choosing to believe in…
• It’s choosing to expose your fears for what they really are, just lies.
• It’s about saying: ‘I’m here, I’m taking part, I am worthy and enough, now’.
• It’s about turning your life around if it needs turned.
• It’s not ‘dreaming’ but being totally awake and making things happen: for you, your life, your family, career, business, whatever is important to you.
• It’s about using your strengths, working on the weaknesses and doing whatever, whatever, it takes.
• And…what do you think?

Do you have it?

Do you want it?

Would living moxie fit with you?

Right now I can offer you this, the moxie clients I have worked with shared common behaviours and traits:

1. It’s was never about them.

They never expected applause or congratulations for what they had faced. They didn’t think their courage and bravery was that important. They made meaning out of their circumstances and they shared it with others.

Living moxie: don’t wait for the approval or ‘permission’ for others. When shrouded in fear it’s courage that will pull you through. Congratulate yourself, it’s not selfish, it’s about you taking back your own power (not power over – the two are very different.)

2. They made what seemed like impossible situations to others inspirational stories.

They all were amazing problem solvers. ‘I’ll find a way through it’ was a common phrase. Not stopped by barriers. Even when doors slammed firmly in their face, they bounced back, quickly. They weren’t their problems.

Living moxie: guts, sheer determination and will power. To make a decision, and stick with it (or change it). No bitterness, no blame: living life to the full.

3. They didn’t know how strong they were until they had to be strong.

Sometimes what they faced was a challenge that others found hard to understand. Sometimes they had to very quickly make massive life  changes that were for their own and families personal and emotional safety. Sometimes they had to pull ranks to entire chapters, people and places that were familiar in their life. Letting everything they knew go.

Living moxie: you are so much stronger than you perhaps think you are.

You know it, I know it. It’s about finding it, making that strength that is readily available in challenging situations boot up all time.

Over to You – Have Your Say

What do you think are the qualities, behaviours and attitudes of an individual who is living moxie?

Do you know anyone, what is it about them that makes them a pure moxie? Before you go feel free to fire in any comments you have, or stories below: your share can be another’s lesson. Just sayin’

Until next time…

Photo credit: Puppyintraining.com (there’s a great story attached)

If I were to introduce Susan to you (and if she wasn’t in the room) I’d say “extremely professional, she is human but triples up nicely as part ‘Information Point’ (directs you to what you are looking for) and half  GSD fairy (getting stuff done!), or fairie if you are in the US!  No messing, no pretence, straight talking, and incredibly funny. She’s written and published 12 non-fiction books.

Right over to Ms D…

Susan! Tell us who you are, what you do, why you decided to go ‘solo’?

“Here’s my story…

When I started my business in 1994, dozens of small software companies were springing up in San Diego. Most of them didn’t have tech writers. So, I saw an opportunity.

At the time, I hated my job, hated the company I was working for, and pretty much thought my boss was evil incarnate. In short, I wanted out of the cubicle.

Full-time jobs were scarce and I didn’t want another cubicle job anyway. So I started signing up with contracting companies, so I could quit the evil job, get a lucrative tech writing contract, and a quick influx of cash, so I could start my own biz.

I ended up taking a 6-week contract at Intuit reading the tax code help files. I’m not kidding! It was the most boring job I’ve ever had (and that’s including packaging candy at a factory while I was in college). But reading the tax code did pay well, so mission accomplished there.

While I was doing my exisiting  job and working the contract, I was also setting up my new business, Logical Expressions on the side.

I got my business license and all the legal stuff done, created a logo, bought computer equipment, took an adult ed course on entrepreneurship, researched potential customers (at the library; this was 1994, so you couldn’t just research companies on the Internet!) I also wrote a business plan, signed up with an ISP, and got on CompuServe. (Remember CompuServe?!)

In January 1995, my contract ended and I was all set up. I mailed out my first direct mail piece to my target clients and got clients immediately. For a couple years, I did software documentation and worked for a couple tech publishing companies as well.

Later in 1995, my husband joined Logical Expressions doing freelance programming work. Then in 1996, we realized our dream of moving away from San Diego to the forests of Idaho. (We traded our 1,200 square foot condo for a log home in the middle of the forest.)

What made you choose this business?

When I started the company, I basically took the skills I had used in Corporate America and translated them into a freelance service (technical writing).

Since then I’ve switched my business niche multiple times.  I’ve worked on tech books, published my own magazine, done web design, and most recently moved into book publishing. I got out of the tech world, when I realized at some point that if I had to write “Chose File|Open” again, I might have to kill myself.

But with that said, the rationale for each switch of my niche was calculated. The reason I killed my magazine was because of the dot bomb recession. (The mag was about how to use computers…yeah, kiss those advertisers goodbye!)

The reason for getting out of Web design was because I saw that it was becoming commoditized, I don’t like WordPress, and the economy was going to tank (again), so I couldn’t make any money at it anymore.

People will buy a $20 book on Web sites when they won’t pay for a Web designer. Now I’m looking at ways to capitalize on the massive changes going on in book publishing. (Kindle, Nook, etc. etc.)

One of the things I’m proud of is that even though it hasn’t always been easy, and there have been major ups and downs, our business has kept going and has supported us since 1995.

It also made it possible for us to move away from the city to a place we love and live a comfortable life amid 40 acres of trees and lots of dogs, cats and other critters.

Being in business for myself has also given me the flexibility to explore other interests like gardening and animal-related stuff. I took the Idaho Master Gardener courses, and I volunteered for animal shelters and a spay/neuter clinic for years. That work led to me forming the National Association of Pet Rescue Professionals in 2008. The association offers tools, resources, and information for people working to save homeless animals.

What drives you?

I love the life we’ve created, so that’s what keeps ME going!

If you had to start over, what would you do differently?

Not much actually. I read a ton of business book when I started and I continue to read extensively. There is always something new to learn and library books are FREE.

What do you wish you knew at the start?

That marketing is going to take up a lot of your time. You think you’ll be spending a lot of time doing client work. But if you stop marketing, no more clients. So you have to budget in that time now and forever.

What was the best piece of advice/learning?

At the entrepreneurship class I took, the instructor said, “nothing happens until somebody sells something.”

It’s true.

Any tips for anyone thinking of ‘going solo’ but haven’t yet?

1. Have a well-thought out exit plan. (No matter how much you may want to, telling your boss off and stalking out of your cubicle is not a generally a viable plan.)
2. Set aside money before you leave your regular paycheck behind you.
3. Read as much as you can about business before, during, and after going solo. Go to the library, check out books, and READ them. Also take advantage of other free or low cost business development resources in your community.

Shout Out: Susan can be found at The Book Consultant (if your ready to put your ideas into print) and the National Association of Pet Rescue Professionals. You can follow her on twitter @susandaffron, or Facebook or Linkedin  Susan also runs workshops to assist entrepreneurs to get their writing done. with virtual writing retreats

Onwards.

Today I have for you Eugen Oprea (pronounced u-gen) from My Online Business Team.

If someone were to ask me explain what Eugen does in a sentence I would say: ‘Eugen makes internet ‘stuff’ and all that SEO and analytics melarkee really really really easy for non techie types’. What an introduction!

He’s incredibly helpful, just follow him on Twitter and every morning you’ll read: ‘How can I help you today?‘, he means it to, it’s not just words, he expects you to reply! But you’ll have to go and prove that to yourself!

And we’re off…

Eugen tell us all who you are, what you do, and why you decided to go solo?

I‘ve always dreamed to become an entrepreneur. But just as anything in this world you need to take things step by step. So I started my journey by building computers, repairing them and ultimately selling them. But when I felt that I wanted to do more, I left home and moved to London.

Long story short, after 1 year the recession came, I lost my job, returned home, got another role at a software company and from September 2011 I’ve worked full time for myself.

Right now, I am somehow living my dream.

Pardon? Explain…

I‘m doing what I love.

It’s been a journey. Putting all the pieces in place, I mean ‘it’s happening’ this was the plan.

While I was working full time, I was building and running my business part time in the background including: making contacts, offering help, networking, learning, working out who I could serve best, I spent the same hours on my business as I did in employment!

A lot of people have told me that I know to translate tech for everyone to understand. My business is supporting other business owners: this is my chance to help people and change the world, helping others who are doing the same thing!

I do that over at EugenOprea.com, where I do my best to explain how WordPress works, what it takes to get on the #1 page of Google and how you can get more insights from Google Analytics data. This site is for people who like to get their hands dirty and get involved in the technical.

But for solo and small business owners who feel overwhelmed and would like to have someone else do it for them, I launched My Online Business Team with Rachel Mathews.

What made you choose this business?

When you decide to start a business you need to find a market first with a specific need and then see how you can apply your skills to cover the needs of that market.

So in 2010, when I took Sonia Simone’s course “Remarkable Marketing Blueprint”, I realized that there are people who don’t know specific things that for me seemed so easy.

This, somehow opened my eyes and made me see that I can help a lot of people just by sharing with them my knowledge. I noticed some people were really struggling, putting in all the time and effort and trying to fit together pieces of jigsaw, where I had the whole picture.

If you had to start over, what would you do differently?

If I had to start over, I would go back to high school and spend less time playing on the computer and more time learning new stuff.

I would read more books and I would invest more time into my personal development and professional development.

On the business side, I would choose more carefully the people who I work with. But we make mistakes so we can learn from them and I am fine with that.

What was the best piece of advice/learning?

Read, read, read… until your eyes hurt.

Not having English my first language, it was an obstacle. I learned English at school and from movies, but when it comes to writing that is a different story.

When I launched my blog I started to look for ways of improving my writing and get my message across more clearly and easier. During my research, I have found this quote and I did that to improve my writing.

However it misses something, after your read, read, read you need to write, write, write.

I would probably add to it, after you read you need to take action, action, action!

What drives you?

The feeling that I am able to do something that can change the world.

At the same time I am motivated when I see that the people I help are really happy with the results they get. I am driven when I see that my work has results, or when I get an email from someone who just wants to thank me for something that I did.

Yes, that makes me really happy.

What do you wish you knew at the start?

Nothing that I can really think of right now. I knew from the beginning that this journey may be hard, that there could be difficult times, but I was willing to take that risk.

I believe that anyone starting a solo business will do so at the right time for them.

As you design and build websites, let’s talk about those: what’s the worst website you can imagine? And the best? For a new solo business what do you think they must have on their website to make it look hottie and awesome to potential customers?

The worst website: one that has a design from 1991!

The best website: One that has a purpose, that sends a message across, that is well optimized primarily for readers, one that is not stuffed with ads or other thousands of things that make you loose your focus and one that makes hard for visitors to share it.

If people were building their first site themselves, what would you recommend?

Well, I use WordPress to build sites so I would say get a premium theme. They have clean designs, they are easy to customize, secure, they make your website look more professional and they are not expensive.

If you need help, get someone to help you. Personally, if I don’t know something, rather than spending 2 hours working on that bit, I would hire someone to do it for me in half an hour and spend my 2 hours making at least double the money that I use to pay that person. So it’s worth it.

Another thing would be to have a signup box that is visible, because it will help you grow your list and if you don’t have a list start one right now! Offer an ethical incentive to encourage people to sign up to hear from you again. Also use social media buttons that can let your readers share your content with just one click.

And if you are putting efforts in creating content, make sure that you do that on your home base (your blog, your website) and use Facebook, Twitter, Google+ as outposts not places to put all your work on.

I am saying this because you do not own your Facebook page and if Mark Zuckerberg decides to delete it, you can’t do anything about that. On the other hand, you own your website/blog and you can do anything with it.

Shout Out: You can find Eugen at myonlinebusinessteam, follow him on Twitter @eugenoprea or on Google+ Eugen also has a free Google Analytics Course over at eugenoprea.com

A lot, lotta, lotta, lot. Mega amounts!

But there’s good reason.

Yes, it may be a tricky one to answer. This post will explain why your core values can’t be ignored and how to begin to identify your own.

See, they play a part in every area of your life, career, business, family, relationships — everything!

Ready? Let’s do it.

Lots of people can state what’s of importance to them, and what they value but not always know their core values.

There’s a difference?

Yes.

Explain.

Okay…

Well, some people weigh up all their values as being of equal value, with no priority.

Example: My childrens happiness being given the same value or weight as being able to eat my favourite cake when I want, is not the same.

Let me show you, a game:

All you need to do is agree or disagree with the following statements.

Think about them for a few seconds first.

Can you sit on the fence? Nope.

Ready?

• It’s okay to go to bed without having brushed your teeth.
• Same sex marriages should be legal in every country worldwide.
• It’s totally acceptable to pick your nose in a public place.
• Life should mean life in a prison sentence.
• An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth.
• Eye contact must be made at all times.
• Money doesn’t buy happiness.
• All politicians are liars.
• All religions cause wars.
• It’s survival of the fittest.

Whether you agreed or disagreed will depend entirely on your value system.And although it may feel like you made the choice, that may not be the whole truth.

Our values are a little bit like an internal navigation system. Guiding and leading.

A system in perfect working order: (I didn’t say effective, because sometimes they aren’t), working even now as you read this, they’re the central HQ of how you choose and what you decide. How you behave, how you act.

Core values are underpin your life.

They’re who you are, they assist you to answer who am I.

They are unspoken rules and regulations, terms and conditions by which you have agreed to and ultimately live by.

Whether or not you consciously consult or are aware of them isn’t important, they are the captain of what you do, what you believe as the truth  and they are the result of what your life looks like.

Some will serve you, others will hinder you.

Some will be glued and fixed rigid, unmoveable, others more fluid.

Some were handed down to you, others you learned along the way.

Some will have changed over time, others will have grown stronger.

You may find when they are being challenged by others, you’ll defend them. You’ll stick by them. Why? Because they are part of your identity, they are you.

Sometimes, you’ll be swayed by the values held by others and amend your own, or refuse and deepen yours even further.

You’ll look around (sometimes unconsciously) to seek evidence that your values are the right ones.

Where Do They Come From?

Oh, we could be here for a-g-e-s.

A start…you’ll have been shaped by your upbringing: where you were raised, how you were raised, what you experienced.

Some are social, some are political, others are cultural.

You may hold values that are swamped in history: values held by your ancestors, that have been handed to you down through generations.

Seriously?

Yep.

They will have been gathered via your beliefs and norms, you will have learned your values from what was acceptable and non-acceptable in your schools, playground, work places.

You have been conforming and norming your values for years.

You will have placed a value base on almost every area of your life.

Try these questions:

• How do you feel about your name?
• Where were you born? How has that shaped you?
• Where did you grow up? How do you feel about it today?
• What did your parents (main carers) teach you?
• What sex are you? How do you feel about that?
• What behaviour do not you tolerate in others?
• And do you tolerate it with your closest family?
• What did your peers teach you about life at age 10?

See, you could be here forever.

You’ll have values I’ll find unacceptable, and vice versa, and of course we may share a few.

And what if your core values, well, em, for want of a more effective word, just plain old stink. Of course they won’t to you, how could they? They are yours, nobody can tell you what to place value on.

What’s the Difference Between Core Values and Values?

They are deeper.

Much deeper.

Use this worksheet to get started.

Finding them, or identifying them isn’t too hard. Look for what triggers a very strong emotion in you (anger, love, hate, jealousy) there will probably be a link to a core value wrapped up there.

An Example of Core Values at Work

For the best part of ten years, I wrote and delivered a 6 week program for individuals wishing to enter the role of Support Worker (supporting other people who required support).

For this role the person had to have strong core values surrounding equality, inclusion, person centred working, respect, dignity, diversity, empathy…just for starters.

Asked at interview ‘why do you want to work as a Support Worker?’

80% of the time the answer was to help people.

80% of the time that usually wasn’t enough.

Why?

Core Values

Having answered that question I would then ask questions around the actual role such as:

How would you support someone with high support needs, who uses a wheelchair and wants to go rock climbing?

How would you support someone taking a bath?

Core value laden questions.

When an individual would reply to the wheelchair question something along the lines of ‘well, they wouldn’t be able to’ or ‘I’d try and find something else for them to do’ or ‘tell them they couldn’t maybe take them to a local park instead‘.

Those answers gave so much away about their core values: about freedom, choice, opportunities, and equality. They just weren’t there.

The bath question, if someone replied ‘test the water’ or ‘would I have to do that?‘ again, a clear indication of the persons core values. No mention of dignity, respect, the right to privacy.

Can you see the difference?

See, you can pretend for a while, but ultimately your core values will be exposed.

What about your life, career, business?

I believe knowing your core values helps you make better decisions, better choices.

They are your guide, your map and compass. And when you are aware of them, can question why they exist you can take back the helm.

• If one of your core values is authenticity, how would you feel working in an environment where everyone wears masks, back stabs, gossips and comments?
• If another was family time, how would you feel if you worked in environment where it was expected you would work late, put in extra hours, work overtime?
• How about if one of your core values was to be treated with respect and dignity, and yet your boss was a tyrant a belittler, an aggressive monster, or your partner ignored you on a regular basis?

They do matter.

To live a life 24/7 where you aren’t ‘in alignment’ with your core values is challenging.

• Perhaps one of your values is independence and freedom, how do you feel when someone makes decisions (even when it’s well meant) about your life without your consent?
• Maybe one of your core values is honesty and integrity, what happens when you find someone has been lying to you?

Coach Yourself

Discover your core values. Know them, learn from them, embrace the ones that serve you, move away from the ones that do not serve. They will show you why you behave and act in certain ways. They will have you manage conflict, and see other people more clearly. They will shine light on what really matters to you. They will explain to you why you feel what you feel.

Your Turn

Download the worksheet, what three values made your list? Surprised?

Known as ‘T’, we met online a while back, she is one of the most helpful, supportive, encouraging and warm peeps I’ve come across…I know her as a woman of many passions (like us all!). She previously worked in pharmaceuticals, and now helps small and solo business owners get smart with their marketing including social media.

I wonder if it was a massive career transition.

Let’s find out…

Theresa Delgado – Smart Marketing Small Business

T! Who are you, explain what you ‘do’ and the biggie what made you decide to go solo after years in the corporate sector?

Well, the transition to helping entrepreneurs grow their business was actually fairly seamless with my sales background.  I spent over 20 years in sales and marketing and corporate training within the pharmaceutical industry, and then in 2005 I was laid off.

Seamless?

Yes, as a pharmaceutical representative your territory is essentially your “company”.  You have a company message to deliver; however, it’s up to you to dig deep and uncover the needs of your customers, communicate the benefits of your product, and move the relationship forward.

To me, the Internet is a great avenue for entrepreneurs to accomplish the exactly same steps.

You can actually can put yourself on par with larger companies, if you market yourself properly.

What made you choose this business over others?

Online marketing for business started to interest me because of the ability to reach so many people in a very targeted fashion.  ‘Traditional’ marketing is done by mail, telephone, cold calling etc. This avenue of marketing yourself takes a lot of time and money.

Also, you’re marketing your service or product to everyone in that zip code, telephone list, etc.  A huge majority of those people just won’t be interested in your solution and all that time (a precious commodity) and money are wasted.

Of course, there will be people who do want your offer, it’s about being really smart, working a plan and finding them.

The Internet and social media can help you market your business much more efficiently (even locally). If you have a targeted plan and properly carry it out, you will reach exactly those customers who are looking for your product or service.

Also, without a doubt, the benefits of publishing strategic information (awesome helpful content, like a blog) on the Internet works to market your business for a very long time and builds as time passes.  Every entrepreneur should take advantage of that marketing tool.

Okay,  here’s the biggie, if you had to start over, what would you do differently?

More planning.

I always recommend that if you’re planning on starting a business online (or off) that you develop a plan.

Sometimes this takes time because you don’t know the area you would like to focus on; however, it is time well spent.

Every entrepreneur needs to hone in on their skills and what they enjoy. 

Once this is accomplished it is a lot easier to form a focused business.  You don’t want to waste time and energy chasing a business model that truly doesn’t interest you and doesn’t allow you to grow.

What was the best piece of advice/learning?

Persistence, patience and purpose. 

Starting a business whether a brick and mortar or on the Internet takes time to build and grow.  Too make people with great marketable skills give up because they think that building an online presence is easy and the clients will come running.

The way to set yourself up for great success is to have a well thought out plan and work your plan.  Every entrepreneur needs to set benchmarks for success. Benchmarks will allow you to track your progress, show the success you’ve achieved and keep you motivated.

What drives and motivates you?

Watching as my clients achieve success.

Seeing the growth potential of a business and putting a few calculated strategies in place to make this happen.

Every business model is different and depending on the goals of the business owner, strategies change.  Suggested techniques depend on the individual and the business.   However, entrepreneurs generally want to know how to grow their business and get the most from their marketing efforts.

What do you wish you knew at the start?

Stay clear of the ‘big empty promises’, especially online.

When you start to research all the possibilities of marketing a business online people generally come across all the “get rich quick” gurus.  Listening to all these promises can get a little discouraging because you know if it was that easy, everybody would be raking in the money.

You begin to wonder (and doubt you’re own abilities) if having a legitimate online presence is possible.

My advice to people just starting out is, “Don’t get discouraged by all these empty promises.”

A legitimate online presence is possible, but it takes patience, persistence and perseverance.

Shout Out: You can find Theresa at smartmarketingsmallbusiness, follow her on Twitter @TheresaDelagado or on Google+ http://gplus.to/TheresaDelgado. She also has a free 20 part free email course on youtube The Art of Video Marketing.

(Until I can think up a jazzier title!)

Every Friday (if peeps are ready with their ditty) there will be someone who at one time was just ‘starting out’, someone who has been in your shoes, and with lessons to share.

What’s been really amazing while inviting peeps to contribute is the comments they’ve made:

• ‘Oh, think it’s about time I shared my mistakes’
• ‘Right, I’ll admit my errors, no shame’
• ‘It’s time to expose what I was in denial with!’
• ‘Yep, I can share a few lessons (learned the hard way!)’

So, it should be good, em, fun!

One persons mistake, is anothers lesson.

If you want to know when they’re out (they will be posted here every Friday) follow on twitter, or Facebook. Or sign up for them to be sent straight to your inbox.

Now, On Making Mistakes

I didn’t ask for ‘mistakes’, but then I suppose ‘If I Had to Start Over…’ is translated to ‘here’s what I did, and wish I hadn’t!’

Here’s the great news about making mistakes in your little biz: nobody is going to sack you.

Here’s the bad news about making mistakes in your little biz: nobody is going to sack you.

If I ‘d been an ‘employee’ of me, I would have had plenty of reasons to boot my very bounc-y-fied butt out the door long before now.

(Singing: Mistakes, I’ve had a few…too many to mention” Oh, no, the right word is regrets, not mistakes! See?)

In business, you’re probably going to make mistakes, nah, you will make mistakes, blunders, screw ups, bad decisions, or find yourself slapping your forehead a few times saying ‘doh, doh, doh!’

Get used to it.

Over the years I’ve made plenty (and I’m not alone), from the teeny ones that were quickly rectified and probably didn’t really matter anyway.

To the whoppers.

Whopper definition: Something exceptionally big or remarkable.

These have included money whoppers, partner whoppers, mindset whoppers, website whoppers, tactics whoppers, selling whoppers, contract whoppers, marketing whoppers, time whoppers, comment whoppers, networking whoppers — ach, this is going to go on forever!

Whopping is going to happen.

And you know what? Every single solo business owner has whopped at some stage.

Folks, are just good at keeping them hidden.

Rest easy, while your bruising your own cranium, there are other doing the same.

Now, there will be certain whoppers you can do without: the ones that waste time and money.

One day I’ll tell you about the day I ordered  leaflets 250,000 (with dates on), because it was a good ‘deal’! Imagine, 250,000 flyers in one place! (One ream of A4 paper contains 500 sheets!)

I’m still writing my ‘piece’, but without a doubt my biggest lesson so far:

Connection is key.

Going solo is ‘tuff. Wherever you can connect, share, give.

Lesson: it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay for the person to say no, but the asking is perfectly allowed.

Your Turn:

Before the first of the series is posted tomorrow: what’s your biggest ‘lesson’ you would not do again if you had to start over, feel free leave a comment in the box below.

And if you want to be interviewed please let me know — you can write it, record it, video it! Get me here, or on Twitter

This is not a real post. It’s just a sorry state of affairs. A rant. Mainly because I haven’t slept, it’s the best I can do today but I will make it all rich and meaningful by the end, maybe!

I'm currently not taking on any new art commissions! Sorry!

Can you relate…

Every night in our house without fail is the ‘What’s for Tea?’ conversation.

(To non Scottish people, Tea is our dinner, the nighttime meal. Unless it’s after 8-ish, then it would be dinner, not tea. Lunch is lunch, but some call it dinner, but that’s at noon, not tea time. Supper is tea and toast before bed, but not tea as in a meal, that would be tea as in a drink! Get it?)

It has to be the highlight of my day.

NOT!

So, last night I decided I would put an end to the stupidity of it all.

Because I worked out yesterday (this is the crap that fills my brain) that we’ve had the same conversation for 960 days.  I’ve deducted approx number of days for takeout days (always read the menu and get the same thing every time), camping trips (any old crap you can manage to cook does the job and call it food), and meals out.

If my smart brain serves me my findings are as follows:

15 minutes (per day) x 920 (days had conversation) = 13800 minutes

13800 minutes = 230 hours

230 hours = 9.583333333333333 DAYS!

People have done shorter prison time and community service!

That’s more than half way to becoming a FORTNIGHT of wasted time on this conversation.

Anyhoo…

For at least 960 days the tea coversation has went like this, you’re just about to waste 1 minute of your life, but hey ho, it’s a useful ‘life lesson’!

Alfred Hitchcock said that a good story was “life, with the dull parts taken out.”

This is “life, dull parts included”:

Me: What’s for tea? (Thinks: Here we go again)

Them: I dunno, what do you want?

Me: I don’t know I’m asking you. (Thinks: I asked you first)

Them: I don’t know, what do you fancy?

Me: Something nice, something tasty. (Thinks: We don’t have anything ‘in’ of that quality and standard)

Them: What is there?

Me: I dunno, not much, what do you fancy? (Thinks: Just tell me! Crikey.)

Them: Same, something nice, something tasty.

Me: Rice? (Thinks: Please say no)

Them: Do you want rice?

Me: No, not really. (Thinks: Phew!)

Them: What do you fancy then?

Me: What is there again?

Them: I dunno.

Continue above boring, meaningless, undecisive, dribbly conversation for at least another 14 minutes.

LAST NIGHT…

I made a sorry attempt to change the above lunacy.

Me: Pasta for tea. <— statement! A-HA!

Them: What’s wrong?

Me: Eh?

Them: What’s wrong? Why are we having pasta?

Me: Because I thought we could have pasta for tea! Nothing wrong.

Them: Why though? Why pasta? Are you okay?

Me: Okay?

Them: Yeah, are you okay? Has something happened?

Me: Like what?

Them: I dunno. I mean it seems strange that you want pasta.

Me: Don’t you want pasta?

Them: No, it’s not that, there’s something up…eh…huh…mmm?

Me: There’s nothing up.

Them: Sure?

Me: Yes. Sure. (Thinks: Do we have pasta?)

Them: No, I don’t believe you. Have you had a bad day?

Me: No, I’ve had a great day. Pasta then?

Them: No, seriously, there must be something wrong.

Me: There is nothing wrong. Honestly. Geez. (Getting angry)

Them: Now you’re getting angry, why are you angry?

Me: I’m not angry. Are you wanting pasta, or not?

Them: Don’t do that.

Me: What?

Them: That, are you able to choose thing, that means I will choose it, don’t use your mind stuff.

Me: I’m not. Are you having a laugh?

Them: Just tell me why you want pasta. Are you (I kid you not) ‘on’?

Me: I don’t want fecking pasta, I worked out today we’ve spent nearly a fortnight having the ‘tea’ conversation.

Them: What are you talking about?

Me: Look (Produced my sums.)

Them: You worked this out.

Me: Yes. (Pleased with findings.)

Them: Weirdo. What do you want for tea then?

Me: I dunno, what do you want?

Dammit!

And the moral of the story is…

I don’t have one, I wish I had something profound for you. This is actually a much better post on time being wasted.

What a heck of a lot of time though, eh?

It’s not even a useful waste of time. Is there such a thing as a useful waste of time?

I would be be genuinely interested to hear your complete waste of time habits, or if you would be interested in me starting any type of online Support Group for ‘What’s for Tea Conversations Survivors’ I’m more than happy to.

Away to bin the tele, don’t get me started on the ‘what do you want to watch?’ conversation.

Here you go, 98 and an ‘arf ways to change your life, or at least nudge your butt. Nudge as in ‘hey, you, you okay? C’mon, let’s do it’ friendly ‘kinda nudge.

It’s l-o-n-g, like, really big. Changes afoot, working on the new mani-womani-festo melarkey, seemed a shame to not share what it was.

They aren’t hard, they aren’t asking you to make HUGE changes, they are teeny, small little behaviours that can be changed in a moment.

Enjoy chickadee, enjoy!  (Chickadee!!! What! I seriously need coffee.)

See you at the end.

#1 Become Your Own Best Friend

Would you hang out with you?  Would you talk to your nearest and dearest the way you speak to you?  Become your own best friend; give yourself the respect and dignity that you give to others.

2# Hang Out With People Who Are Good For You

Are there enough people in your life who are assisting you to become all that you want to become?  Are there enough people in your life who are ‘good’ for you?

3# Watch Your Thoughts

Have you heard the phrase you become what you think about most?  The way you think about you becomes you’re current reality.  Learn how to manage your thoughts for personal growth: eliminate the negative Inner Critic.

#4 Learn a ‘New’ Language

Develop the habit of using language that is successful, empowering and which builds your confidence and self-esteem.  Negative language patterns tear you apart and may stop you becoming all that you can become.

#5 Positivity Is Not Weak

You can choose to think positively or negatively:  No news is good or bad, it’s only news.  Find the good in everything, even the challenges; you cannot create a problem that you cannot resolve!

#6 Never Ever Quit

There is a difference between changing your direction and quitting.  When you are making massive changes, prepare for the unexpected and you are smart enough to know when you’re just quitting.

#7 Create and Implement Massive Plans of Action

Nothing was ever gained from standing still.  The best plan in the world is nothing without massive action.  Plans don’t create, you do.

#8 Make Decisions

Life is going to happen whether you like it or not.  You can choose to decide what’s right for you, or let others choose for you.  It may be the best decision, or that worst.  What’s important is this: you made it.

#9 Adopt a Different Language

Allow positive words, phrases and successful language to become your guide.  There is power in the words you use, choose words that work for your personal growth and build your potential.  They may seem strange at first, perfectly natural, they will become habit.

#10 Take Care of the Caretaker

Look after yourself, sleep well, eat well and exercise.  Energy creates energy.  If you’re unwell, lacking vavavoom and mojo, or living at ‘half empty’ it’s almost impossible to live each day to it’s fullest and to give it you’re best. YOU are important.

#11 Aim For Beyond the Moon (Metaphor!)

We can sometimes set our goals that are beneath our actual capabilities.  Shoot for past the moon; go two steps beyond what you find comfortable.

#12 Gain Momentum

A wheel going down a hill will pick up speed, no matter how many rocks, potholes or obstacles in its way.  Set off, start what you need to start.  You’ll quickly pick up speed, too many people wait for the ‘starters gun’, and they may wait a long time.

#13 Acknowledge Your Fears

The first step to change and breaking through fear is to acknowledge it exists.  Be smart.  At least admit it’s there.  Bringing it out to the open will allow you to look at it and then create the opportunities to get rid of it.

#14 No Fear Is Bigger Than You

There is no fear that you cannot overcome.  None.  How it got so BIG is irrelevant, you can crush a fear in seconds: stand tall, face it and go through it.  That is the shortest, most effective, quickest way to break personal barriers.

#14 Make Change Your Ally

Change happens whether we like it or not.  Create your own change or allow it to be done to you, you have a choice.  Take ownership of the present moment, it will become the tomorrow you.

#15 Have Hard Conversations

Say what needs to be said, when and where you need to say it.  Conflict is a part of life; keep respect and honour for yourself and others.  Conflict is not anger.

#16 Do What You Fear The Most

Break your own barriers: you can read about doing it, see others do it, but until YOU do it, the fear will always hold you.  Fear is false evidence appearing real.  The shortest route to conquering all fears is ‘do it’.  Simple, time served truth.

“And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance” ~ Lee Anne Womak

#17 Learn Assertive Behaviours

Say what you mean and own what you say.  Repeat your message if necessary and understand that confidence is not the same as arrogance.

#18 Gratitude

Say thank you more often: to you, others, the universe, god: whatever it is you believe needs to be thanked. Acknowledge the smaller details and what you have now.  Gratitude indeed costs nothing.

#19 Try New Things

We are creatures of habits.  Develop yourself by trying new things, going new places, speaking to people who you ‘think’ you have nothing in common.  We learn the lessons we need the most in unexpected places.

#20 Volunteer

For no other reason than ‘giving back’ and expect nothing in return.

#21 Take a Risk Every Now and Then

Ask yourself ‘why not’? Or ‘what if I…?’ You may be surprised at the results.

#22 Practice Human Touch

Someone, somewhere needs to feel loved, wanted and craves the intimacy of others.  Do it with congruence and genuineness.

#23 Goal Getting

Write them, visualise them, see and feel them working, before they appear real.  Setting them is not the same as going and getting them and you’re brain will believe whatever you tell it – true or not.

#24 Listen Well

Focus your attention on the whole person, what they say with words and what they say with their body, tonality and expressions.  To be listened to is a wonderful gift to give a fellow human being.  You don’t have to agree with all that is said.

#25 Build Meaningful Relationship

With everyone you meet.  You may meet strangers who can open the windows when the doors were shut.  Give value first, ask how you can serve this person, not what will they give me.

#26 Delete What No Longer Works

What is in your life that is a) causing you pain and b) no longer serves you.  You perhaps had a need for it once but all things change if it’s doing you no good, delete it.  We have a tendency to hold onto to what we no longer need way past its sell by date.

#27 Know Your Core Values

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What must you have in your life?  Are you living your life in alignment to what you value most?

#28 Stay Curious

Curiosity is one of the most powerful skills from childhood to hold onto and develop.  Never stop asking why, when, how, what, where and why?  You could discover an answer you’ve longed for.

#29 Stop Apologising For Things That Are Not Your Fault

Do you end your sentences in  ‘sorry’ all the time?  When you make a request do you apologise for speaking your mind or saying how you really feel?  Have conviction in what you are saying.

#30 Environment Check In

Take a look around your environment (home, work, play) is it in balance?  Is it working for you?  Is it a reflection of what is going on inside?  Clear up, clear out or live with.

#31 Rid Yourself of Shoulds, Oughts and Musts

Become a like to, want to, love to and choose to person.  You’ll get it done quicker, easier, in half the time and with more fun.  We fight against ourselves when we have to do something.#32 Don’t Wait

BE, NOW what you are becoming.  You don’t have to wait to feel what you want to feel, do you?

#33 Develop Personal Boundaries

The best boundaries are fluid.  Know what you will tolerate and accept and what you won’t, and what you will do if they are crossed over.

#34 Say No to Unreasonable Requests

And stick with your decision.  You always have the right to say no.  Set your boundaries and decide what is unreasonable for you.  Learn to accept you are not responsible for how other people feel when you are maintaining your boundaries.

#35 Say Yes to More Often

We are too quick to jump to no, especially when we are unsure of the outcomes.  Choose to say yes to that which requires you to step out of your comfort zones — they’ll  s-t-r-e-t-c-h. 

# 36 Make Time for You

You were born alone and you will depart alone.  All the relationships we have are a bonus, however you may need alone time.  This is not selfish.  It taking care of you’re own mental, spiritual and physical well being, make time, no excuse.

# 37 Manageable Roles

Consider all the roles you play in your life.  Are they well managed?  Do you need to play all the parts?  Can you share a few?  Allow an understudy every now and then?  Must everything fall on your shoulders?  Do you need to ask someone else to step up?

#38 Get Up and Show Up

Stick to you commitments you have made to other people.   Keep every appointment.

#39 Maximise Your Strengths

You will excel at many things, develop what you’re good at, you’re weaknesses are someone else’s expertise.

#40 Practice Visualisation

Play mental movies. Make them colourful and see yourself taking part.  Slow them down, speed them up.  Add sound, backdrops, and scenery.  Get the result clear and keep replaying over and over again, until the pathway is formed.

#41 Live in The Present

Realise that the past, being over, is unreal: that the future, is not yet created doesn’t exist either.  Only the present is real.

#42 Know Your Emotional Triggers

We all have ‘hot buttons’, once pressed they can release negative emotions and affect our states.  The best plan is to let go of the emotions of the past.  The second is to be fully aware that you create the reactions to the actions of others.

# 43 Become a Creature of (Good) Habits

It takes between 21 – 28 days for new Neuro pathways to be created, formed and wired.  Create new habits one day at a time then maintain for another 28 days. If you falter, just start over.

#45 Step Out Your Own Way

We can screw ourselves pretty good up without the help of others.  Learn to look at your life from a 30,000ft view. Watch you go about your life.  Look at the movie, not play your part.  Do you need to direct yourself differently?

#46 Set Your Intention

Many people start a new project or begin a new idea with the intention it ‘won’t work’, this is doom talk.  Set clear your intentions of what is going to happen.  You may still not reach the exact desired result, however you WILL have a better chance of it, set the intention to modify if necessary!

#47 Learn What You Need

We don’t stop learning when we leave formal education.  We may become bitter that what we were taught has not served us.  Stay committed to being a learner of life, lessons are given daily, and will you attend the classes? Take notes and use?

#48 Practise Becoming a WOW Communicator

Listen to understand, show empathy, turn from judgement, be genuine, present, congruent, and treat everyone with respect.

#50 Re Programme Your Brain

You’ve probably heard the brain is like a computer: garbage in and garbage out.  Everything you have ever experienced through your senses (from before you were born) is stored, filed, and locked away.  Your brain is not fixed.  At anytime you can choose to switch the channels, change the pictures, provide new programmes to follow.  We update computer programmes don’t we?  We can’t run new software on old platforms!

#51 Screw Up It All Up

Once you have a ‘picture’ clear in your head of what you think you are like.  You develop patterns of behaviour in alignment with your thoughts.  Not happy with the current pattern?  Play with the memories, screw up the pictures: scramble limiting patterns so your brain cannot hold the dominant picture any longer.

#52 No Matter How Intelligent You Are…

Filling your brain is not the same as using it.

#53 Read and Implement

What can you learn from people who have a similar story?  Most people write their story because they have something to share, some thing to say.  If you are addicted to personal development books, implement one thing from each for 28 days, otherwise why are you reading them?

#54 No More Blame

When things go wrong, it’s natural to look for the culprit or to lay blame at someone else’s’ feet.  Why blame others for your present moment?  You can change it.  Blaming others is a wasted lesson and depletes your personal power.

#55 Pay Attention

Some people wander through life with blinkers on their eyes.  Everything you need for now is already here; you only need to pay attention and see it.

#56 Create Your Mission Statement

It’ll change, it’ll grow, and it’ll develop.  Start with plan of where you are going, what you stand for, what your mission is, give yourself a purpose.

#57 Keep a Journal

Not a diary or a ‘daily events’ log.  Find peace and write.  Ask questions and see what comes up: what answer you find. Write it down.  It’s not the time to question who is writing, or edit what you put down.

#58 Affirmation

Write them down.  Keep them close.  Repeat them often.  Attach emotion and feel that the affirmation already exists. There purpose to help you reprogramme your brain.

#59 You See With Your Brain Not Your Eyes

Your reality is created by beliefs, perceptions, conditioning and programming.  You’ll see what you want to see whether it’s true or not.  What we don’t understand is not yet wired.  Ask yourself, is this the truth or is this only truth as I see it?

#60 Get In The Flow More Often

When you’re doing what you love and paying attention, time does not exist.  When you are doing what you hate and watching the clock, time is wasted.  1. Do what you love 2. Doing the necessary ask yourself ‘how can I make this moment count’?

#61 Change Your State

States of minds are not fixed.  They can change in a heartbeat.  Choose your states and if you recognise you are in an unproductive state, change it.

#62 Clarity and Focus

Contrary to opinion we cannot multi task and give all actions 100%.  We can do many tasks and reduce the success rate of that task.  This may be fine for small tasks that have become habitual and are unimportant (talking on the phone and making a coffee).  For larger plans with bigger outcomes, stay focused.

#63 See The Bigger Picture

When you are creating pictures of what you would like your future to be.  Start with the big picture.  Your brain likes to see the finished result, it can understand the larger picture much more than we give it credit.  Then break it down into ‘do-able’ and manageable ‘chunks’.

#64 Pay Yourself Compliments

It’s not bigheaded, it’s not arrogant.  You have the right to internalise what a great job you have done or are doing well.  You may be waiting for external approval.  It may never come.

#65 Get Passionate

Get paid doing something you love, or spend more time doing what you are passionate about.

#66 Practice, Practice, Learn More, Practice

It’s written that to become an expert takes 1,000 hours of practice.

#68 Learn These Secrets of Success

Secret 1 to Infinite:  There are no secrets.  None.  If you want success: define your definition, create a plan and go for it.

#69 Get Specific

When you say ‘they’ are like this, or ‘I am like that’, or  ‘that’s just me’, you’re generalising and distorting.  Making up your mind about the way things are without enough evidence.  When we generalise we miss vital pieces of information, be specific.

#70 End Procrastination

Do it or don’t.  Ask yourself why you aren’t doing what you know is good for you?  What are you achieving at this moment by doing nothing?

#71 Laugh at Yourself More Often

Not ridicule, but see yourself as this…‘human’.  Share laughter and humour.  There is nothing you cannot handle that is in your life right now.  You may not like it, but you can get through it.

#72 When In Overwhelm…

Take time out.  Stop and go and do something for you.  Speak to someone.  Regroup your thoughts. Overwhelm is stress-related.  We accomplish nothing of much value when in overwhelm.

#73 Reframe Events

We can place experience and how we feel about the event of the past into ‘boxes’, this can then create a ‘picture’ or generalisation of how we think all similar experiences are played out.  Change the frames.

#74 Dare Yourself to Dream Big

Everything starts its life as a seed: a thought, an idea, a picture of what could be.  Start your ideas, take initiative and make something of them.  Demand the best of your self, go for it.

#75 Treat Yourself to Living

There is a massive difference between life and living your life.  Turn off the television an hour every night and you’ll have an extra 15 days in a year.  Where else are you just in existence?

#76 Create Your Own Rules

Trust your own judgements, you are the expert of you.  You may have to follow the ‘rules’ others set once in a while.  Pursue and create what’s right for you, but remember all things are equal.

#77 When Things Don’t Go As Planned

Fall down 6 times, get up 7.  Plans are not the final outcome.  There is no proof that the journey you set sail on will be storm free.  Change your plans and direction as needed, life successes are setting sail in storms or calm seas.

#78 Swayed By The Minds of Others

When you start some of your new journeys there will be those that think you’re insane.  When you make progress there will be those that wish you’d turn back.  When you go further than anyone has been before you may be criticised.   When you reach the other shore you’ll be too far away to hear the comments anyway.

#79 Priorities

Rise and meet your own standards, not those of others.  Focus on the one main goal and commit to working on it every day.

#80 Follow The Course

Rivers run from source to sea, you however are limited to only seeing to the next bend.  What lies beyond may be uncertainty, but the sea is always reached in the end.

#81 Know Your Value

We all have value to add.  Life is strange; we don’t know our value when we begin.  Knowing you’re value, where you can contribute most builds and enhances self esteem.  Set out to add value.

#82 Beware of Energy Vampires

Do you have any ‘energy vampires’ in your life? Sucking at your soul, your dreams and aspirations? Depleting your reserves? Diminishing your goals? Time to make them extinct? Or at the very least find ways to protect yourself.

#83 Get Informed

Become a smart sponge to finding and getting the information that you need, ask the right questions. Soak up knowledge you need, wring out what you don’t.

#84 Choose Your Attitude

Your attitude is everything.    Many feel it is influenced by external events and influences.  How you decide to react is your choice.

#85 Create A Fire In Your Soul

You had it as a child; everything you did was filled with it.  It’s the ability to give you fully and with pleasure to a task, cause, belief, principle, and project.  It’s a burning so great nothing can stop you.  It’s the driving force; it motivates, inspires, and rises for you time and time again.  Enthusiasm.  Still got yours, for your life?

#86 The Don’t Know Game

Refuse to play it: you always know what you want.  How you want your life to be, what you want in it, what you want to create, what you want to cease.  Playing the ‘I don’t know’ is a sure fire way to giving up your personal power.  No matter how bizarre, far out there, frightening to admit to others, you do know.

#87 Reasons or Excuses

Decide if it’s a yes or a no, do it or don’t.  Reasons and excuses are readily available, if you want remarkable, decide.

#88 You Are Always Part of the Story

It’s sometimes easier to see ourselves as not part of the story.  Where there is a problem in your life, you are part of the story.  Ask yourself what part have you played?  How can you finish the ending?

#89 Deal With Criticism

There will be times when it comes your way.  You can accept or ignore, but listen with an open mind.  If it’s unjust and unfair see #15 and #17.  The more visible you are, the more you will have.

#90 Bounce Back Quicker

When hurdles and obstacles are in your way, there may be times when you didn’t see them coming or hear their approach and they knock you over.  You can get yourself of the path or you can learn the power behind resilience. 

#91 Full Accountability

In your mind you can create a ‘court’ where you can indict others and persecute them for the way things are in your life.  There may be events that were absolutely not your fault and should never have happened.  Swear to yourself from this moment forward, you are accountable for all that is happening.

#92 Equality

Do not set yourself up as someone better than those around you. It will not endear you to anyone and is bound to bring you heart­ache and misery.

#93 Responsibility

Responsibility is the skill of accepting 100% you are aware of the choices you are making and the consequences that come with them, are yours and yours alone.  #See 54

# 94 Inspire Others

Become the inspiration for another, no one knows when they are making a memory or creating a lasting change: a kind word, a compliment, a hug.  Small random acts of kindness can change an entire life course for another.

#95 Set In Your Ways?

You are the final product of your programming, conditioning, experience and environment.  Your parents, peers, friends, teachers and ancestry forced the most of which is upon you.  The rest is your own doing.  Some learn that their ‘ways’ are not theirs and start opening their mind to other suggestions.  Others accept ‘this is it’.  Which are you?

#96 Wakey Wakey Time to Rise

Is it time for you to awaken from a sleep that has lasted too long?  Practice at being fully aware of all and everything that is coming to you through your senses and instincts.  Our brains have a natural inbuilt ability of keeping out millions of pieces of information on a daily basis.  It’s a safety mechanism: if you saw, felt, tasted, heard and smelt everything the noise would be unbearable.  When you open your ‘eyes’ fully, you may discover the possibilities and opportunities you thought only existed in dreams.

#97 Hollywood Star?

Stop getting upset about trivialities and petty annoyances. Act your age and do not behave like a temperamental movie star. No one has to bow to you or pay special attention to you: no matter how good your dramas are.

#98 When You Need Help, Ask

There is nothing wrong in asking for help or seeking support.  Self-help has developed a ‘school of thought’ that we have to do things all alone.  Wrong.  If you’re washing machine broke down, you probably wouldn’t ask a local car mechanic to fix it.  If you need help, get it.

#98 1/2 Get Support

Here!

You’re Turn

What’s your No 1 simplicity tip to life change? A quote perhaps, what did it mean to you? A one-liner that someone said to you once and it stuck.

Here’s a little something for you…’cause you’re worth it!

It’s the second collection of Affirmations (around 800 of them!) Free, and ready for you to download, share, pick apart, use, or give to someone else.

Don’t worry if you haven’t got the first collection, you don’t need to go tearing about the website, you’ll be sent that also.

What Are Affirmations?

Affirmations assist you to change, they equip you with new self talk.

They change the internal pictures, they describe what you want to move towards not what you are moving away from.

To really benefit: Affirmations are all about imprinting new pictures, reaffirming and reinforcement, and visualising the desired result.

Attaching a feeling to the affirmation is crucial.

Just repeating a sentence over and over, with no feeling or clear picture, won’t work. Yes, they are written as if they are happening now, this can be difficult to accept at first. It will become easier with practice (I promise).

This collection includes affirmations for:

• positive thinking and motivation
• health and wellbeing
• money and finances
• inner peace
• love and relationships

To download the affirmations books, sign up for updates below and you’ll get instant access to all these and all the resources on the site.

Have people said to you “you’re far too sensitive, harden up?”

Do you feel completely overwhelmed and need to retreat in highly stimulating environments: those that are loud, bright, busy, full on?

Ever said…

‘I can’t cope in public’

‘I feel odd, it’s as if I don’t belong’

‘I lack confidence‘

‘Being around lots of people is too much, I just want to run’

Yes?

Here’s something that might interest you…

Have you heard of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)?

I’m not a DR, an expert of HSP, or psychotherapist, and I’m not saying you should nip away and diagnose yourself. There are links at the end of the post to find out more from people more equipped than me.

A little background…

I’ve just finished reading  The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive & Survive When the World Overwhelms You by Dr Elaine Aron as a few weeks ago I had a friend come to visit who told me they were an HSP.

I’d heard of it, but never really dug deep,until now…

After listening to my chummy, nodding along and being really intrigued by what they were describing, I nipped online and completed Arons’ self test.

My score was high, v-e-r-y high. 22 out of 27 high!

According to Aron (Dr of Clinical Psychology) HSP is a personality trait and it’s a person with a very sensitive nervous system, people with HSP are simply more aware of and easily aroused by their surroundings.

HSP can also include: sensitivity to pain, easily startled, overwhelmed by loud, harsh, sudden sensory input i.e. bright lights, strong smells and scents. Aron described people with HSP as cautious and highly conscientious, extremely empathic (can pick up moods of others easily and knows what to do to change a mood), more cooperative  rather than competitive.

40 Years On and a Little Light

According to Aron people with the HSP personality trait are wrongly labelled shy, introvert, inhibited, timid.

In the self test (link at end), Aron asks you to ‘tick those that are true or are somewhat true for you’, such as:

• Do you get easily overwhelmed with sensory input?
• Do you need to remove yourself or private and relief from over stimulating environments and surroundings?
• Do you get overwhelmed with strong smells, course fabrics, bright lights, noise?
• Does loud noise make you uncomfortable?
• Do you avoid violent TV shows and films?
• Have people described you as shy and an introvert?
• Are you conscientous?
• When with people, do you know what needs to be done to make them more comfortable in the surroundings?

Even in that little lot big learnings for yours truly: I cannot stand violence of any sort. I walked out of Reservoir Dogs and a pile of other movies at the cinema, switch off the TV at any violence, crikey I used to hide behind pillows at ER!

Big lights in living spaces, are a serious no no for me. In fact any bright light, loud music, which would explain my refusal to go clubbing in my 20′s. Nature is important to HSP, being outdoors, space, which would explain this.

Certain materials on my skin make be feel sick, too much noise makes me retreat. I can even remember events where I deliberately removed myself out of social gatherings for half an hour, to get some space and return. Empathy, so much empathy it overflows, heck, I’m never done talking about empathy.

The arts are my past, having studied Drama and the Community Arts!

The biggest doubt to all this was I’d label myself an extrovert over introvert. Then in the book Aron states that 30% of HSPs are extroverts. Go figure.

Remember it’s not anything to do with being shy or inhibited, it’s sensory input and how it affects you.

So What, Why Care, Is it Worth You Digging More?

Well think about your career, have you ever experienced working in environment that really did leave you overwhelmed at the end of a day? All those people, no space or respite.

What if you network or attend conferences as part of your business, how do you feel when mingling and meeting so many people? Do you get to the point you just have to get out?

In the book Aron gives excellent advice for HSP on how to cope, manage and live with the overwhelm. So, I wanted to share it with you and I’ll let you decide if it’s useful or not.

I’m digging deeper, could this help someone who has all there life felt as if their was something wrong with them? Maybe.

If this has made sense to you and want to find out more, here’s a few links.

For Elaine Arons website click here

Peter Townsends Hub on Hubpages  - this is a great hub on HSP and he also has a blog here

Here’s a recent article on Psychology Today article on Sense and Sensitivity by Andrea Bartz

And if you just do a Google search on HSP or Highly Sensitive Person, you’ll get returned a pile of sites to check, including a few forums. I haven’t found much negative response, but remember to make up your own mind, stay open and ask your own questions.

Oh, and if you fancy taking the test here’s the link http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

Update: Check out this post on Enso Journey ‘Helping the Introvert Inside You Come Out’

Your Turn

What do you know about HSP?

Do you know anyone with the diagnosis?

Are you an HSP? Feel free to share below, I’d really love to hear your view, opinion, knowledge or experience on this one. Oh, and if you know any great resources, let me know.

Give the page a little time to load because of the videos.

Enjoy!

13. Don McMillan: Life After Death by PowerPoint

Time 4:25

This makes me laugh everytime, don’t do it!

14. Nigel Marsh – How To Make Life Balance Work

Time 13:15

Does life/work/balance exist? Should it be balance/life/work?

15. I Am Movie (Official)

Time 2:30

There’s an advert right at the start, give it time to play.

16. A Life Lesson from a Volunteer Fire Fighter – Mark Bezos

Time 4:41

Short and sweet. Very inspiring.

17. Jim Rohn

Time 6:38

Jim Rohn passed away in 2009, but his work is very much available, click here to visit official site.

18. Are You Waiting a Day – Jim Rohn

Time 1:29

Another from J Rohn.

19. Disney Pixar Up – Married Life

Time 4:21

I’m not sure if this is the saddest start to any Disney film, so many messages.

20. Obvious To You Amazing to Others

Time 1:55

Derek Sivers visit his site here.

22. Dare-Change

Time 1:28

Love this…step forward. One step is all it can take to push through fears.

23. Brene Brown – The Power of Vulnerability

Time 20:50

Vulnerability – we all feel it. Visit B Brown here.

24. The Tale of Mere Existence – Procrastination

Time 1:19

Simple and yet very clever.

Your Turn: Do you have any favourites? Please feel free to share them in the comments below.

PS: No dodgy links please, they will be deleted.

Okay here’s the first of many for you to watch…

Why such a bizzare collection?

See, I’ve just moved our Facebook page (to visit click here), the old page was filled with lovely links to videos posted over the past 11 months — thought I would pop them all in a couple of blog posts for you.

Now, there isn’t one particular theme, they all complimented a facebook status update at one point. So, if at any stage you think ‘eh, what’s that in here for?’, remember it did make complete sense one day over on the Facebook page!

So in no particular order here you are…

1. Where Good Ideas Come From Steven Johnson

Time: 4:07 minutes

Watch out for the idea of the ‘slow hunch’ – sometimes it can take a few years for an idea to come together!

Steven Johnson Website and this book is one I recommend Mind Wide Open: Your Brain and the Neuroscience of Everyday Life

2. The Secret Powers of Time

Time: 10:09 minutes

Are you present? Do you live in the past or the future? Are you future-orientated? Do you trust that it all will work out? Professor Philip Zimbardo conveys how our individual perspectives of time affect our work, health and well-being. Visit website.

3. The Empathic Civilisation

Jeremy Rifkin investigates the evolution of empathy and the profound ways that it has shaped our development and our society.

4. Deepak Chopra The Wonder of You

Time: 1:03 minutes

5. Steve Jobs 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Time: 15:05 minutes

Mr ex-Apple man.

6. Comedy – Bob Newhart Skit

Time: 6:16 minutes

Oh, if only it were this easy! Maybe it can be? Nah, we’re more complex.

7. Andy Andrews – 50 Parental Sayings

Time: 2:01 minutes

Don’t know about you but I heard them all growing up – this is a funny.

8. The World Is Stuck What Are You Waiting For?

Time: 2:41 minutes

One of my favs. It’s such a great metaphor of how we stay stuck and wait for someone to rescue us! Options all around.

9. A Life Story In Five Chapters – Gary Ryan Blair

Time: 1:44 minutes

If we do the same things over and over…

10. Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn

Time: 72 minutes

Meditation and mind boggling stuff! Visit website here.

11. Maya Angelou – And Still I Rise

Time: 2.52 minutes

Sit back and enjoy.

12. It’s A Wonderful Life – The Ending

Time: 5.56 minutes

Yeah, so this one was posted on the page at Crimbo. Enjoy!

Want more? Click here to see Part 2

Feel free to add your favourites in the comments below.

It’s a Bargain! All You Can Eat For…

How did you choose what was going on your Social Media menu?

Did you take the ‘I’ll just dive in’ path (like the folks who run towards a buffet thinking they’re never going to eat again), consuming all that’s available, as quickly as possible?

Did you head into using social networking, before plunging into answering ‘why am I using social media‘?

What have you piled on your virtual plate?

• A bit of Twitter?
• Chunk of Facebook?
• Slice of Google+, just to try it?
• Squeezing in social bookmarking?
• Found a small space for forums (they do still exist)?
• Nibbling away on LinkedIn?
• Pinterest made it to your plate?
• Morsels of blogging, photo sharing, YouTube?
• And that’s just the first helping…

Once you got that all balanced sky high, did you then add the sizzling hot new tools available that you’ve never tasted before, trying to cram them on top of what’s already looking a little precarious?

Uneven. Wobbly. Balancing act. Going to land on the floor any minute.

Your social networking – have you managed to maintain them all?

Or

Do you miss a one week, then pick up the next? Leave it for months, then dive in for a few days, get busy, and then leave again. Do you read posts such as ‘200 New Social Media Tools to Use for Your Business’ and then try to apply at least half in the space of an afternoon?

Are you that hungry?

The Social Media Smorgasbord

(I know, I could’ve used ‘buffet’, but Smorgasbord sounded far snazzier)

Would you look at it…

Have you had a chance to actually enjoy the meal?

Have you been too busy devouring and absorbing the tools to actually stop, sit down and share?

‘They’ say a meal is best enjoyed in the company of others. Have you sat down at the virtual table?

(Assuming you aren’t ‘collecting’ people, just so they can be at your social media party. No, sorry, collecting 5,000 ‘friends’ on Facebook or 7,000 Twitter followers does not mean it’s going to be a great event!)

Pigging Out

A few months ago now, I realised I’d overdone it. I knew I should not have had that last portion of ‘please confirm your email subscription’.

I’d been too busy up at the social media buffet table trying to figure out what would satisfy my appetite and fulfil my needs: tasting and adding whatever new ‘dish’ was being produced, stuffing my face, without actually stepping back and trying to manage what I already had on my plate.

Time for a diet. Detox. Colonic Flush Thing.

Introducing the Social Media Diet

Basically, it’s simple

Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t.

Here’s the diet sheet:

Weigh In First: explore where you’re at, you’re skills, what you need, the ‘why’, what you can manage.

Quit The Binging and Gorging — you’re a solo business owner, you don’t need to use all the tools, or jump on the next new dish. Eat only what you can physically consume (time and money).

Know When You’re Sufficiently Full — as a solo business owner, do you really need to be the leader in social media? Unless of course you work in social media, then you do.

Seriously, what are you, the New York Times? Reuters?

When you’re full.

Stop.

Digest what you’ve taken in. Then move on to the next course.

Social Media Isn’t Free — it may appear that way, it’s not. It costs you time and money. Just spend it wisely, that’s all I’m saying.

Oh, remember social networking and social media are as different as night and day.

Huh?

Explain?

Okay, let’s assume you’re a local restaurant owner and you’re using social networking tools as part of your social media marketing. Let’s use Facebook for the example, you post:

• You say ‘Just heading out for a meal‘. Great, people know you are going out for a meal. Networking, sure. Closed conversation though.
• You may say ‘Just heading out for a meal, can anyone recommend a good restaurant‘. Networking, displaying you’re interested, encouraging conversation.
• You could say ‘Just heading out for a meal, anyone know a great restaurant, what’s their website address so I can check it out?‘. Networking, conversation, sharing, interest, open conversation.
• You could say ‘Just heading out for meal, what’s your favourite restaurant, any dishes you’d like to see on our menu?‘ Networking, conversation, sharing, listening, asking for feedback. (You could then go on and add it to the menu, for one night only, offering 50% off for the people who commented on the post!)

Size of The Meal — just remember you work alone, chances are you don’t have a marketing department! You are the department. Use what works. Choose the meal that has all the portions that fit your business.

Join The Table — have the conversations, connect, listen, share.

Photo Credit: Emilie Ogez (thank you)

PS: This is the stuff that makes me giggle. Making sure I had spelt ‘colonic’ correctly, I checked, and in the adverts this:

This is part one in a series of posts for new solo business owners with ‘people helping’ businesses (or soon to be mavens) who want a website, but you’re stumped at where to start, because you aren’t (like me) a techie, designer or developer, and you don’t have the ‘money tree’ rooted in your back garden to spend on a fancy pants website.

(Or you’ve started and it needs salvaged, chill, you can have my back from carnage website nightmare stories, as we go.)

That means, if your website is all dandy, hunkydory and top notch, ticketyboo (it works!) away and do something else today, and I’ll see you soon.

Oh, wait, before you zip away if you fancy, if you’ve a good ‘first website’ piece of advice, or blood curdling horror story, are you able leave a comment ? If you can remember that far back!

Right.

Now, we’re alone.

Your website.

I’m sure the people that are breaking their nails, scrolling down to leave a comment, know full well the angst a first website can be. It doesn’t have to be though.

Angst-y that is.

This is not going to be just a series of ‘techie’ workshops (but I will give you links to the ‘how to’ stuff and some cool people who are doing that), this is me, a solo busines owner like you, who lived with a bump and bruise from slapping her forehead because her website sucked and didn’t know nada on how to fix it, and then what I did (long story) to turn it around.

You don’t have to make the same errors and whoopsies.

Yeah! Good news! Right…

Let’s Set The Scene…

…as this is the first in the series, you’ll get a longer intro.

Like the majority of solo business owners starting out, you probably have a budget.

So, you want to spend it wisely, yes?

What! Who am I kidding, you might not have a ‘budget’. Sorry, how wrong of me to assume. Budget! Yeah, right. More like, you’ll pay for it when you need it.

But…

You know you need a website, who do you trust? Where do you start? What needs to be in place for it to work?

• You may be on the ‘first build’, trying the D-I-Y approach to save some pennies, nothing wrong with that, but how long have you been at it? Seriously. That long?
• Or, you may have given the task to someone else, you’ve got the reins back again, and now you don’t have a clue with what to do with it. Sucks, huh?
• You have a case of the ‘I’m online, everything will happen now’ touch of the airyfairies. You thought you just needed to build a website and everyone would come flooding to your virtual doors. Mmm, ach, loads think that, you aren’t alone.
• You may have built your site a while back, and you aren’t seeing any results. But you did have a plan didn’t you?

No plan?

Nothing?

Nada?

Not even a wee bit of scrap paper, a rough outline? Or an idea of what you actually would like your website to do?

Oh.

You don’t have a ‘freebie’ site do you? You do. Okay.

Panic ye not, these posts will help you understand what’s needed on your website, to help you build your business.

Websites and Marketing Online My 2 Cents

They are ‘tuff work. Get prepared. (Only ‘tuff, because of the learning and applying, we don’t know, what we don’t know!)

They ‘ain’t easy. Sure, you could throw up a few pages to be ‘online’, but ‘being on online’ generally isn’t enough.

You actually have to make your website work.

And to make that work, you need to get your head round a few things. And then when you’ve done that, you need to get your head round a few more things, then a few more…and on it goes.

These posts are going to be a toedip (should that be toe dip? Anyway…), an introduction, a fleet around the website world and internet marketing.

You’ll cover a little bit of copywriting (what to say on your site, and how to say it, actually copywriting is much more than that, but let’s go easy, for now), how to engage people (without looking like a sleazy artist), a little of that SEO melarkey (yep, look you need a wee bit), a drop of design stuff, social media bits and bobs, planning and how to use your website to build your business.

Here’s why…

My very first business website rocked. It also flopped. Big Time!

Have you heard of Titantic?! ‘ The film, end scene, cracks me up ‘Jack! Jack! Jack!’ — you let him go Winslet! Tut!

Sorry, where was I, oh yeah, website…

The Rocking: It was huge, really flashy, cost a fortune, pictures were amazing, had a wonderful layout and navigation, looked awesome and it had the feel that behind it was a team of a thousand minds, creating and writing personal development courses, when in fact, it was just me.

The Flopping: Over the year it was live, 10 enquiries (no list then).

Actually, I musn’t lie to you, it was only 9, as one was my mum, asking if I was popping out for tea one day as she had Quorn in the fridge and it ‘needed to be eaten as she couldn’t refreeze it’. Oh and one was me to make sure the contact form worked. 8 then.

3k for that!

It wasn’t the designers fault, only my mistake (but it’s not going to be yours.)

Why?

Because I was clueless about websites and really didn’t know what to do with it once it was built.

I let the designer lead me, I didn’t take the time (which would have saved me a fortune) to really research what goes into a website that works. (Oh, this isn’t going to be a pile of hate mail posts to designers! I love designers! Mostly.)

I can pinpoint: with hindsight a lot of mistakes that were made, but I’ll focus in on three for you today, it may look like an ‘odd’ three to start with.

But stay with me, I have my reasons for going with these ones first. It will all become clear as you go.

Mistake 1. Where’s The Human Being!

There is the very old marketing phrase ‘people buy from people’. That’s true no matter what business you’re in.

However many think their website is not the place to display ‘hey I’m/we’re human too!‘ They then churn out page upon page of boring, meaningless and unemotional pile of heehaw.

And it’s rife. Solo business owners do it, all the way up to the large corporations.

An example of a website not focused on a customer.

An example: “the most successful businesses are intuitive and strategic, articulate and measureable. XY Ltd is strategy, integrating planning and business information, seamlessly. XY Ltd executes and delivers results by accelerating the strategy. We deliver with impact, drive initiatives and capability”

Urgh!

No one talks like that in my life, yours?

Worse, are the ‘we are so smart and highly intelligent look at the words we have used here to impress you, we are the experts‘ type of pages.

Bore.

Bore.

Snore.

Or, the ‘Welcome, my name is Blah, we are based in Blah, here’s all about me, more about me, me, mini me, I have 10 years experience in blah. I trained with blah. I do blah really well. At blah, I have been blahing, for blah many years, and blah is what I do best. To buy blah just blah your details‘.

People Are Emotional

Not knowing diddly squat, that was how I created my first website, no emotion and plenty blah de blah-ing.

It’s painful to read, worse, it’s painful to write.

Neither wonder most folks struggle when it comes to writing content.

Your customers (people that breathe!) are driven by their emotions, they want to know that the person (that’s you) behind the website gets their pains and frustrations, hopes, dreams, fears, that you’re talking to them, and them alone.

That means, your website really isn’t about you, it’s about what you do for the person reading your site, and telling them how wonderful you are, doesn’t make it so.

How do you achieve this?

Study Copywriting

A great little introductory book I’d recommend is Write to Sell by Andy Marsden – it’s a good starting point if you haven’t been exposed to copywriting before. It’s not actually all about selling, the books really great at helping you focus on what you do, you know, the why, and the way it’s written leads you to think that you are actually your customer.

KaCHING!

Write your pages, as if you were talking to one person, talk to them through you’re writing (or video.)

Basically, forget everything that you were taught at school in your English class when writing your content.

WHAT!

I know. Seriously, do the exact opposite.

Write So a 12 Year Old Understands Your Message

Your message being, your understand the people that you serve (you do, don’t you?), and how you can help them solve problems.

Another idea, check your website readability. The Flesch-Kincaid readability test was designed to say whether a piece of text was easy or difficult to read. On the web, for your human customers, it should be easily read. If a 12 years old can understand it, you’re on the right track.

(That’s not write to a 12 year old, write so a 12 year old gets it!)

If you need a tool try these: Juicy Studio, Using English or Words Count or there’s Perry Marshalls readability tool (wait for the pop up to disappear) although his newsletter (esp if you want to read great copy) is one to sign up for – that’s just my opinion, he is a great storyteller.

Or, use the Microsoft Word tool, if you have it. It’s inbuilt.

The higher the score the better.

(In a later posts, I’ll give you a list of sites to look at for folks that are doing this really well, jealous, moi, never.)

Mistake No 2. No Email Capture Form or a Reason to Come Back Again

Simply, my mistake was there was nothing like this, which you can use if you want the updates ’cause it works:

Just Your Name Your Main Email Address (optional) what challenges are you facing right now building your website?

Oh, can I just say in my defence that once I did learn a little, and knew that I needed one of those things above (optin form, it’s called), I couldn’t actually add it.

Why?

Because any changes I needed to make to the website I had to go through the designer (£££££!!!!!), so here’s another whoopsie to avoid (important): own your domain, own your site, own your hosting but I’ll go into that more in another post, seriously, six weeks I waited for an update. SIX weeks!

(Oh, and a ‘free’ site is not your domain, nor your hosting and you don’t own your site! We’ll talk about the pros and cons of free later.)

Remember people that come to your site have a problem, they need something, and they will ‘shop’ around. If you’ve done a great job of getting someone to visit your site, give them a jolly good reason to hear from you again.

You can do this by capturing your email address. Ethically.

(No spam, no shenanigans, respect privacy, say what you will do with the address.)

Here’s How That Works Online

A real life example: imagine you were out looking for a new pair of shoes. (Note: picture of shoes, maybe not them!)

You find a pair in the first shop you visit.

But let’s assume the sales assistants were ‘off’ with you, that the shop was badly laid out, they ‘snuffed’ you a little, you felt as you being in the shop was a major hassle to them, that you were putting them out, you left with a bitter taste and didn’t have a pleasant experience.

(Translate Above Online: a badly laid out website, everything all over the place, all about you, not about your customers, no clear navigation, no benefits of how you solve a problem, crappy fonts, funny colours, pictures out of focus, it’s like you entered the Twilight Zone, you want to get out of there quick.)

So you shop around. The second shop you enter has a great sale 25% off, but again they treat you like the first shop. They really do try and sell to you, making you feel awkward.

(Translate Above Online: trying to make the sale at first point of contact, getting someone to buy without them knowing you, your service, your product, the way you work. That tactic may not work unless, say, your Amazon!)

However, the third shop you enter is different. The sales assistant says ‘if you need help, I’m here, if you see anything you like we have a special reduction sale on today but I’ll leave you to browse in peace‘.

Curious, they have you curious.

Special? What special? How much special? So you ask, they tell you that it’s 20% off day, however coming up is a half price sale starting in three days, if you aren’t in an urgent need, they can put them aside for you.

(Translate Above Online: think of the websites you go back to time and time again. Are the helpful, easy to navigate, friendly, about you, do they give you the opportunity to ‘hear more’ or sign up for special offers, information, do they make it easy for people, are they real, genuine, do they actually want to help?)

Give people a reason and experience to come back again.

Add an email capture form to your website today if you don’t already have one. Try Mailchimp or Aweber. (Click here for a couple more)

Mistake No 3. The Bare Bones, No Meat, Sizzle or Useful Stuff That People Can Use

Without a doubt my first website had the: we’re experts, what we do, who we are, about us, contact us, how to buy us.

See the problem?

We and Us.

(Worse, it was just me! I used ‘we’ to appear bigger! Hard lesson. Be proud of the fact you’re solo, sure you don’t have to do it all alone, but don’t think that alone means not good enough.)

Use the word you.<——-IMPORTANT! Really Mega!

So it becomes: here’s what we do for you, here’s why we’re like you, how we can help you, how you can reach us, how you can get what we offer.

Basic, but a better start.

An astounding website would be a place where you can give people what they need, without having to pay for it.

WHAT!

That means showing people how to get the results they are after. And a blog is perfect for this, no matter what business you’re in. But we’ll get to blogging later in another series, let’s get the meat on the bare bones first.

You see, the biggest mistake I made with website number one, was thinking that I needed to create pages that told people what I did or (shame) sell them what I offered, so very wrong.

I swear I must have had about 40 pages of different types of courses they could buy — nothing to help them, just guff.

Basically, don’t do pages of guff. Guffing is out. Guffing is hard.

Want an example, okay, let’s say you have childblains, sorry children, and they’re on their school holidays. You’re going mad stuck about what to do with them, you want to spend time doing things at home for a week, but you don’t have many ideas on how to keep them entertained and you’re money is tight.

So you look online and you search for ‘things to do with your children at home’ or ‘activities for children on school holidays on a budget‘.

The first sites you visit are links to books, and things to buy. Then you end up on a site that has page upon page of really cool ideas, articles, links to other sites, freebies, a weekly newsletter and so on. It’s full of great information and ideas, and they are just giving it away to you.

What site will be the one you revisit? What site would you remember, when you have a little to spend?

Why does this approach frighten the bejeepers creepers out of most solo business owners?

Because they think that by giving information away people won’t need what they offer.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Since I added the free confidence course to my site, it’s not only helped others, it’s helped me (thank you people who have signed up for it). People talk to you, they do get in touch, they ask for further help, the make comments, they tell you what’s goof and naff, they say what they liked (so you can do more of that), it’s a way of connecting.

It builds trust, you could be serving and making a difference now – if they do want to more, they’ll come back, if you give them (with no strings attached you hear me) a great experience first.

Are you thinking this won’t work in my business?

Again a myth. Every business owner has something that someone else needs (otherwise they don’t have a business!)

Not sure? Stick around.

‘Till next time, you can sign up above for further posts in the series. And for goodness sake, if you are well and truly stumped. Talk to me, call me for 15 minutes, you can do that here.

What lessons did you learn from your first website? Not built your website? What challenges are you facing?

Photo Credits: Hiking Artist (Know Your Customer) | Timtak (Running Shoes)

I know, the title doesn’t belong in here. Maybe not at first glance.

To be really honest it’s been in my head for about a year, and then sitting in my ‘drafts’ for about a month, and it’s almost been deleted a couple of times, I know the ‘blogging’ rules, don’t talk about death, ah well.

But just today I learned of a friend, who last night had their cat, of 19 years, put to sleep.

So, this is for you and them.

(Started 4th July)

I’ve a real urge to write this today. Sometimes when I sit down to write, the mind hooks on a thought, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I’m not sure if it’s after a conversation on Facebook the other evening about a pet therapy dog called Dexter.

Or because a friend has been told by their vet ‘it may be time to start thinking about what’s really best for…’, in other words, it’s time for you to make that so-called humane, but completely unhuman decision about your dogs life.

Maybe it was the guy I spoke to, just a stranger, out walking his new puppy last night who started crying whilst explaining he needed another dog as he ‘went to pieces’, losing his ‘best friend in the world’ two months ago.

Perhaps the truth is, it’s nearly two years to the day when I lost Maya, and I’m just plain old feeling it. And for some reason all these little events are happening, who knows, does it matter?

That Which I Feared, Is Now Upon Me

Even as I write this, I’ll cry, and new doggie may glance at me and adopt the ‘Here we go again, Maya this, Maya that‘ look, and I’ll put aside the thoughts that at some point I’m going to visit this experience again, at least five times in the future.

One of my biggest fears was the day when Maya would no longer be in my life. Out of all of lives fears, that was mine. I don’t know about you, but I would shake my head when the thoughts popped up and shivered, telling myself ‘not to go there’.

Lesson: Life is weird, it always presents us with what we fear most at somepoint, huh?

Nothing prepared me for the loss.

Nothing.

You?

The pain was excruciating, unbearable, it ripped at my core.

That may sound dramatic. I know that.

Maybe it doesn’t to you? Maybe that’s why I’m writing this, I keep saying ‘pet bereavement is so misunderstood’, it is, really, it is.

So, this is not a ‘here’s what you must do’ and this is ‘how you are going to feel at different stages’. No.

See, I didn’t ‘cope’ well.

Look what I ‘do’ for a living, I’m supposed to cope well. I didn’t eat properly for a month, and I didn’t sleep a full night for at least two. I would wake up, go outside and just sob. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t understand why the whole world wasn’t as upset, bothered or cared as much.

I couldn’t understand why they didn’t see her life as valuable like what I did.

I didn’t understand why the people closest to me would assume me to be ‘okay’ after a couple of weeks.

But they didn’t live with her for 13 and half years, 24/7.

Oh, She Had a Good Life

When Maya passed away I was delivered, perhaps like you, the ‘oh she had a good life’, ‘she lasted well’, ‘it’s not the same as a human bereavement, that is much worse‘ and other standard one liners.

Today, I’ll still question that if you don’t mind. Here’s why…

If there is anything my line of work has taught me is I can’t judge or pass comment on what one person puts more value on than another. I just don’t have that right. Nobody does.

If people are saying these things to you, forgive them.

They are usually delivered because they don’t know what to say. Many people can’t cope at times of human bereavement and they may not even begin understand why losing a pet carries the same grief.  Forgive them.

They probably never will understand. That’s not blaming them or judging them.You need to grieve, not worry about the opinions of others.

But there are people that you can surround yourself with, which I didn’t know of at the time (see the end of the post) who will understand your pain and loss.

Personally, losing Maya was worse than any human bereavement I have experienced.

That’s really difficult to write and admit, because I know some may read it and think that a) I have never lost a human being close to me, which I have and b) that I can’t compare the loss of a pet with the loss of human.

It’s just my truth.

You may feel that same guilt, about not feeling the same way towards a human loss as you do your pet. I’m, kind of, smiling. Let’s face it, there aren’t many humans in our life who’ll never grumble at being in our company 24/7, or that we give them permission to sit at the end of the bath, while we’re in it, watching us soap up.

There aren’t many two legged beings, which will dive on us as soon as we enter a room, leave a room or just sit in a room.

Not many humans will instantly spot danger and growl to warn us, lick away tears or miss us, even for a minute.

So forgive yourself.

Give yourself permission to grieve over the loss, and there is no comparison between human and animal bereavement, a pet passing triggers the same feelings as human, the cause is different, the emotional responses aren’t.

If it’s stronger for your pet, then so it is.

Funny, I used the word ‘passing’, it’s such a gentle word huh?

It gives the picture and visual of moving gentle along, like swans on midnight moonlit lakes or passing clouds, drifting in and out, silently. And yet we both know different, the words that are used generally aren’t gentle when it comes to a pet and their death, they are awful. And perhaps that’s where the misunderstanding begins, there are no emotions attached to these words.

Put to sleep. Euthanasia. Lay Down. Put Out its Suffering and Misery. Destroyed.

Maya died at home, in my lap, 3.am on a Monday morning. There was no one else around except the other animals in the household. From the time I noticed she wasn’t herself until that morning was 5 days.

She got tired.

It was her heart.

She started to lie down in strange places, knowing she wasn’t ‘herself’, I took her to the vets and they told me her heart was beating 5 times as fast as it should, leave her for x-rays.

Picking her up they said ‘she has heart failure‘. They didn’t say how long she had, whether she would get better, they said leave her a week and bring her back in. (I think a little anger still resides there!)

Sunday, she deteriorated, so fast. Call to the emergency vet, and I was told to up her drugs. She picked up.

Then at 2am, I was sitting with her on my knee in the garden, begging her to get better but she was exhausted.

It was just time.

I made the decision to ask the vet to come to the house and give the jags with the lethal barbiturates that would ultimately stop her heart beating, I was going to kill my dog.

Yes, I know some may say it’s ‘the gift we can give our pets’…

Yes, the logical part of my brain got that, my emotional brain didn’t.

Coping With Unnatural Decisions

I’m sure we all wish and hope that our pets will pass away in their sleep, that the choice will be theirs, not ours.

Just gently drifting off, but the reality is usually very different. I don’t know about you but I battled and fought like crazy, to do everything to prolong a life, so that they could be in mine just a little longer.

Coming to the decision is incredibly painful, and confusing, we know as human being ‘taking another’s life’ is just plain wrong, we’re taught that from a very young age.

I know that teaching refers to another human beings life, however when it comes to our pets, it can feel like we are ‘taking it’. It’s unnatural. It’s not an everyday choice or decision.

If you had to, or have to make that choice, know that. It is not natural. What you did, or sadly have to do is not a choice we make every day in life, it’s very rare.  You have no point of reference. You won’t know what to feel.

Maya had other plans. She went in her own time. She didn’t wait for the vet.

Like we will do at the end, she lost all control of her bodily functions, as I held her, us both covered in her urine, sick and excrement, she looked at me and gasped, exhaled, eyes still fixed, and exhaled again for a long time, for the last time.

In that moment, there was no pain or fear.

She went. Her body remained. But she was gone.

The pain begins…

Was she in pain? Did she suffer? Did I do the right thing? Why did I not call the vet sooner?

So much guilt. And the guilt is all part of the process of grief.

Then…why just 5 days? Did the vets make a mistake? Who can I blame? Why didn’t I see anything sooner.

So much anger. And that too is part of the process.

When’s The Right Time to Let Go?

You’ll know.

With every fibre of my being, I promise you’ll know. And it won’t be your decision. Your pet will ‘tell’ you. For non-pet owners (if you’re still here), that may be hard to understand. It’s not a sixth sense or strange phenomenon.

Those 5 days before Maya died I was like a mad woman, determined that I would do everything to make her better. Phone calls to specialists, visits to vet hospitals, research into her condition, second opinions, emails to America asking for advice from the ‘top’ cardiac vets.

She was going to get better. It wasn’t her time, but the truth was it wasn’t my time; I wasn’t ready to let her go.

Helpless, would be the word I would use.

She got worse and there was nothing I could do, I had no power or control over what was happening, nothing was preventing the inevitable.

Coping With the Pain Today

The last thing I’m going to say to you is ‘time is a healer’ or ‘it’ll get better’.

When you lose a pet, or any form of grieving, time doesn’t play out as it usually does. 

It’ll get better, it might, but again what gives anybody any right to say this is how it’s going to be for you in the future?

I know I only have my own personal experience, however for me (and I know now, many others) the loss is made worse by the misunderstanding.

The pain is raw.

It hurts, bad.

In the initial days and weeks, it roots itself deep. It ‘feels’ like life will never ever be the same again.

And that is true, it won’t. It will be different.

Any permanent goodbye is going to change your life. Any goodbye where you played a part will change you.

Even when a two legged being passes, the support is generally available.

Not everyone you know will have met your pet. So you may not know what to do with the grief and pain.

Does the Pain Go?

Ah, have you heard of the Stages of Grief, psychotherapist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying, she proposed there were five stages:

Denial – (my crazed moments, this can’t be happening)

Anger – (why now, how can it be 5 days etc)

Bargaining – (I’ll give anything to have her live 5 more years)

Depression – (days not eating, not sleeping)

Acceptance – (I can write here now about Maya)

Here’s my addition:

Time, ignore it; time only exists because we have clocks. Grieve hard. Allow it to go through all the stages, in your own time.

For me, I prefer to think of the stages as a circle. There are some days when the memories occur, or something triggers an emotion and before I know I’m having a sob. It’s only because I miss her, missing your pet is allowed. Today, tomorrow, 10, 20 years from now.

Think About Everything in Your Life Where Your Pet Was Attached

I miss her because Maya and I shared our lives for 13 and half years, she was the constant in my life.

She was ‘there’ during homelessness, the loss of grandparents, shitty relationships, breakups. I was 25 when she arrived, and 38 when she died.

I didn’t think twice about the 4k pet bill to fix her legs.

She was a pet therapy dog, there for others when their end was near. She came to work with me, she only needed to sit next to someone for two minutes before they were leaning in to her taking what they needed.

She was a only a dog. But she was my dog.

Through this bloody awful time I learnt a huge lesson about living:

• It’s short.
• There are times when the external world will leave us helpless, with no control, no power.
• We can’t change events that are inevitable.
• We can’t change the minds of people who don’t want to change their minds.
• That what we fear most usually has to be faced at somepoint.
• There are lessons in the worst moments.
• There are moments, when ‘life on our terms’ is not possible.

Please leave with one thing, all around the world there are people who know the pain you are feeling.

They can’t help you with yours. They know it’s personal.

We know you’ll have to find your own way.

We won’t rush you.

We won’t talk about rainbow bridges or running free, we know they sound good, we secretly hope that they are real, we just want you to know that your pet mattered to us.

Okay?

Please feel free to share below

If you need to reach out (no matter how long ago it was) here’s a few links:

Association for Pet Loss and Animal Bereavement, they also have a Facebook page.

In the UK there is the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support, Animal Samaritans Pet Bereavement Support and EASE for support during anticipated pet loss.

Books: Wallace Sife The Loss of a Pet

A hug is like a bandage to a hurting wound. ~Author Unknown

Virginia Satir (Psychotherapist) said that you, me, everyone needs:

• 4 cuddles every single day for survival
• 8 cuddles a day for maintenance and at least
• 12 cuddles for growth and development

(But she used hugs, not cuddles.)

How many have you managed to squeeze in today?

How many have you given away?

Did you know that scientists say human touch (including hugs) is essential to the health and well being of your emotional, physical, mental health and development?

Everybody needs a hug.  It changes your metabolism.  ~Leo Buscaglia

Although part of how this evidence was found by Rene Spitz in the 1930′s and then Harry Haslow 1950′s (link to a youtube video.),  would be completely unethical and (I think) bordering sociopathic.

Spitz really went for it, he took two groups of children the first group (30 children) were from an orphanage and they were deprived of any physical contact or touch for the first two years of their life. The second group were given unlimited touch by their mothers.

From the children in the orphanage only 2 could walk and talk. 

Haslow (not convinced, obviously, of the findings) did the same experiment with monkeys in the 50′s.

What’s Happened to Genuine Human Touch?

We’re not talking here about sexual contact, or touch that is manipulative, detrimental, abusive or coersive in any way.

I don’t discriminate – I’m an equal-opportunity hugger.  ~Author Unknown

Sadly though, is it perhaps those exact acts that have made us wary of the giving and receiving of human touch and contact.

• When someone last bumped into you by accident, how did you feel?
• Have you ever felt uncomfortable as some touched your arm?
• Has the touch of another human being soothed you and comforted you?
• Have you shivered and wriggled at an unwelcomed touch or contact?
• Have you thought ‘what do they want?’ as someone has placed a genuine touch on your shoulder?

I’m not naive, I know that their are certain circumstances and occupations where human touch is unacceptable.

And I’m not suggesting we all have to start Cuddle Support Groups (although?), or Hug Festivals.

I’m agreeing that the craving for human touch is all of us, it’s a human need. A daily requirement.

Abraham Maslow stated in his Heirarchy of Needs that we all have (Social) Belonging and Love Needs, that we all have the need to give and to receive affection and love, that we have roots, that we belong, that we have intimacy, human contact and warmth.

That we ALL have them. No one is excluded from that.

In the name of science, let’s have a little experiment…

Okay, using a scale of 1 – 10, 10 being ‘scar-eee’ and 1 being ‘perfectly okay’. Are you able to rate the following with honesty?

How would you feel about walking across a hot bed of coals burning at 1200 degrees+ farenheit?

How would you feel about offering and accepting a full scale cuddle with a complete stranger?

Think about it.

Just for a second.

You meet someone for the first time and you touch, getting up close and personal.

Not a quick tap on the back, or one of those ‘rub a dub dub’ up the spine ‘get off me now’ things. No, a full blown cuddle, one that you’d give your best friend, at the airport, before they emigrated across the world.

Or walk on fire.

Here’s the feedback to those two questions above after a real firewalk, during the debrief, always over 85% of the room say that the one interaction with another human being (lasting about 3 seconds) was more scary and frightening than the hot foot across the coals.

Words used have been ‘weird, awkward, out of place, out my comfort zone, embarassed, ashamed’ and a few others: ‘shy, bright red, nervous, weird, uncomfortable’.

Can you relate to that?

How they feel, those beliefs around human contact, interaction and touch are there long before they get into the seminar room.

But the fact is that’s how they feel.

Your Turn

What do you think? Human touch overrated? Needed? Survive without? Please feel free to comment below.

Scary?

Liberating?

Frightening?

Relief?

Okay, What’s a Sheeple?

A sheeple is someone who threatens their own individuality and rights instead to appeal to authority, the ‘norm’, or accepting the beliefs of others as they are percieved as an authority.

Read that again. It’s wordy.

In brief, people are likened to sheep.

And sheep have a tendenacy to follow one another, or their authority. The sheep ‘authority’ figure or threat being a farmer or nippy little collie, that comes down hard on the ‘soon to be wool’ that trots out of line.

Threatening Your Own Individuality

I make a point of saying to my clients, (even though it may be seen as odd) do not believe everything I say, be skeptical, ask questions, find your own truth, especially when it comes to making decisions about your life.

Why do I say this?

Simple.

Anyone who’s in front of a group, standing next to flipchart, projector, doing the presenting, leading, facilitating is pretty much seen as the ‘authority’, comes with the job — we’re ‘taught’ that behaviour attending school.

Not true. It’s all a perception.

I certainly don’t want anyone to accept what I believe at face value, just to appeal. I want them to remain individuals in a group situation (tough, but do-able.) My role is to help them achieve their goals, and hold the belief that it’s possible.

The need to appeal, conform, obey and ‘fit in’ isn’t new. Remember we’re from tribal roots, our ancestors knew this, they survived by ‘fitting in’, not rocking any boots, or by being a threat to the tribe.

You only need to read the experiments that prove how far we will go so as not to upset the authority. Try Milgrams Obedience Experiment (that’s the one where subjects administered electrical shocks to learners!) for starters.

Is There a Price to Pay?

It takes guts to stand up and ‘leave the groupthink’, to walk away from the expectations of others or question the ‘authority’.

And it comes with a risk. On the one hand you may be hailed a hero or you may be ridiculed.

To be the person on the other side of the fence you may run the risk of people commenting, poking fun, taunting and teasing you.

Is it worth it?

Only you can decide.

Only you will know the consequences of stepping away from the norm and becoming your own authority. You can choose to go with the crowd, you can choose to appeal, you can choose to put the beliefs of others as a higher priority than you’re own and what you believe. Or not.

How to Find Your Own Truth

I’d suggest, question everything, go back to asking ‘but why?’

Who are your ‘authorities’?

Are you still being led by people from your past? Do you stop yourself from carrying out a task or project and think ‘oh what would they think if I did that?’. Do you keep information to yourself, not revealing all the details because you know ‘they’ won’t approve?

Are you not living your life on your terms because of the rules laid down by authority figures when you were, 5, 10, 15 years old?

A few years ago a client I was working shared with me she was sad her parents had passed away, and in some way relieved that she can now start living her life, her way! She was 48. They always judged her decisions.

Did you get taught it was the ‘norm’ to stick with a job you hated?

Were you taught to ‘blend’ in, and not stand out. Were you made to certain items of clothing, did you have to take up ‘hobbies’ and behave in certain ways around certain people.

Was it the norm to hold onto your opinions, ideas and feelings because ‘you had to be seen and not heard’?

Were you taught who were the authority figures you had to obey? Parents, Carers, Teachers, GP’s, religious leaders, anyone with a few letters after their name?

Perhaps you grew up thinking that the TV was the authority, that everything coming at you in pixels was the truth.

Were you encouraged to be your own authority? Were you parents the worst authorities?

Final Thoughts…

I conform, I obey, I groupthink, so am I being a hypocrite?

I follow the rules of the land where I live (authority – police, laws, government). Although I would consider myself to ‘free’ in my thinking, am I?

Are you? Can we truly be free? In one shape or form will we always have to be sheep somewhere?

Do I have the right to ask people to ‘question’? At what point do we give up asking ‘but why?’ and go along with herd.

What do you think? Should we/can we be our own authorities?

Just Your Name Your Main Email Address (optional) what challenges are you facing right now?

PS: Here’s a few quotes

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.  ~Dr. Seuss

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Before you can break out of prison, you must first realize you’re locked up.