LIVE,LAUGH, LOVE, AND REMEMBER TO BE KIND !!!!

Pinnacle Friesians

2013-09-17T20:08:00.001-07:00

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Glynis Had my Number!!

2013-03-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

So we were at one of Jordans shows recently and had the honor of listening to Glynis, shes a numerologist and helped us with our numbers

So to figure out my numbers i had her do a reading
So the name i go by= Mary Keller
Date of Birth = 6/30/1976

Which gives me

Explanation of Numbers	Mary's #'s
SOUL NUMBER What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.	9
PERSONALITY NUMBER A face you show the world.	3
POWER NAME NUMBER This number represents the strength of your name and tells a lot about who you are.	3
BIRTH-DAY The way you appear to people.	3
LIFEPATH The number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. The most important number in your personal Numerology.	5
ATTITUDE NUMBER The first impression people have when talking to you.	9

SPECIAL NOTES

Mary, you were born on the 30th. The ancients considered the 0 to be a gift of divine intuition, because it is without limit. The inner voice is loud, and if you listen, it will change your life for the better in a spiritual way. Always go with your gut instinct, because your first thought tends to be correct.

THE LIFEPATH NUMBER
The Lifepath is the number that you need to fulfill in order to be happy. It is the most important number in your personal Numerology.

When you add together the month, the day and the year, you get your Lifepath Number, and that is the number that fulfills you. We call that number the Lifepath Number. That number is the most important number in Numerology. Always remember, what's going to make you truly happy is focusing on your Lifepath Number.

Example of how to find the Lifepath Number:
Mary Keller was born6/30/1976
3 is the Birth-Day Number
5 is the Lifepath Number.
6+3+0+1+9+7+6=32
Break it down3+2=5

Why do we break it down? Because Numerology numbers go from 1 to 9, and you must get the numbers down to one digit.

Mary, Your Lifepath number is 5. Here is the description:

The "5" Lifepath:
The Adventurer

5’s love freedom, fun and adventure. The more they can do, the more exciting their life is to them. They love variety. If they need to go home, they might take a different route each day because they get bored so easily. They need constant stimulation. They like passion. They love to escape, and out of all the numbers 5’s and 7’s are notorious for escaping through sex, food, drugs, alcohol, geography or work.

The average 5 Life Path male does not get married and if they do, they often get married more than once. The first marriage is often short lived because they don’t want to feel tied down. They need to feel it’s their world, and if a woman holds on too tightly or is too needy, they feel smothered.

This is also true for the 5 Life Path woman. She cannot stand a man who clings to her. The 5‘s message is very simple: “Do not control me.” If you leave the 5 alone and just trust them, they’ll always come back to you. Much like a cat they come back to you when you ignore them-- they are capricious. 5s are all about the five senses. Things must taste just right, smell good, look pretty, feel pleasing, or they’re not happy.

5s like to look attractive. In Numerology, the 3’s and the 5s like to look performance ready. That’s what I call it when the hair, the clothes, and the makeup are just perfect.
5s are the natural detectives. They love to find out what happened. They want to be in the know. If they think someone is being dishonest, they’ll do the research to find out the truth. They don’t like to be in the dark.

5s are also the celebrators of life: Thanksgiving, Christmas, any holiday. They like to make every occasion beautiful and exciting. Even when 5’s are working they are usually thinking about the next fun thing they’re going to do. 5’s are natural givers. They would rather give the perfect gift and rejoice in your response than receive it. I often say that if a 5 received a thank you letter, they would write a thank you for the thank you. 5s are also known for their great penmanship and are experts at leaving messages on your answering machine to get you to call them back. They give just enough information to peak your curiosity.

When it comes to career, 5s make good photojournalists, pilots, flight attendants, travel agents, tour guides, cruise directors—any thing to do with travel. I doubt there’s a 5 on this planet, who wouldn’t be happy if they won a free ticket, or made some sort of deal to go to Europe, or somewhere tropical and beautiful.

It is important that the 5 venture out and live their quest, whether it be a job that they love or traveling all over the world. If they don’t use their energy and feel stuck in their environment, their life will become a soap opera. This can lead to depression and the feeling of being a martyr. If you have a 5 Life Path in your life who feel their life is not their own, you may hear, “Woe is me.”

5s can also be entrepreneurial because they don’t like to be under somebody else’s authority. Since they have a natural gift for entertaining, I’m sure a lot of women who are 5’s would be excited to plan somebody’s wedding or some kind of wonderful banquet and to see the beauty that they have created. 5’s are often involved in the entertainment business.

There’s a wild side to the 5. We find 5s in the charts of rock stars, strippers, or casino owners. I think if there’s a real fear for the 5, it is of being bored; they’d rather be dead. I’ve yet to meet a 5 whose life was not fascinating and who didn’t have more than enough stories for just one lifetime. 5’s are also the gamblers. If not risking actual money at the table, they are taking chances in life.

If a 5 sees a homeless person, they want to know the story. If they see an injustice, they can’t help but be affected by it. A lot of 5s escape in books. When they read books, they live vicariously through them. Of course, that can be a safe and healthy form of escape. I have also found that 5s make wonderful fiction writers, because their imagination is so vivid. When you pick up a book written by a 5 Life Path, you will fall into this imaginary world that they have created, and when the story is over, you will be very eager for their next novel. J.K. Rowlings, the author of the Harry Potter Novel Series is a 5 Life Path, need I say more? As you can see, escape is the name of their game.

If you yell at a 5, the 5 will not listen. A 5 will tune you out. They might shake their head and nod agreeably, but truthfully, they have mentally left the building.
Because 5s like variety, sex and passion, sometimes they can overindulge to the degree that in later years they find themselves impotent or frigid. I caution the 5 not to be so quick to jump in and out of relationships, because eventually they do end up in pain.

Sometimes they will have been married for a short time to someone and years later they will realize that relationship was pretty good, but they were restless and they had to keep moving. They have to live their life and have excitement and experience all this stuff they call variety. So my advice to someone who is involved with a 5 who has a job that requires them to leave you from time to time, let them go. Don’t feel threatened. Just trust that they love you. I guarantee that they’ll come back to you and you’ll feel more loved and appreciated by them.

How the Lifepath 5 gets along with each number:

Natural Matches: 1, 5 and 7
Compatible Numbers: 3 and 9
Challenge Numbers: 2,4 and 6
Neutral Numbers: 8

LUCKY NUMBERS
Everybody wants to know which are the best numbers for winning. Your lucky numbers are based on your Lifepath.

I did some research in Las Vegas. Out of 100 people in a casino, 80 of those people had a 5 in their birth numbers. I also did a television segment called "Lucky Lotto Winners." I researched the birth numbers of the four million-dollar winners to search for a pattern, and all four were 5 Lifepaths.

I would caution a 5 not to play with "scared money," however, and that of course is money they need for rent or a car payment. Otherwise, I would say go for it because the odds seems to be in their favor.

If you're not a 5 Lifepath and you want to play, get a 5 Lifepath friend to bet for you.

Mary, your Lucky Numbers are derived by the Lifepath #5.

Good month: May. And if you’ll notice, May is a five.
Best days of the month: 5th, 14th, and 23rd. Simply meaning if you want to go somewhere or have an interview or do something that you consider important, these are the days to do it.
Day of the week: Tuesday.
Lucky numbers: 5, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50, 59, 68, 77, 86, 95, and 104.

THE SOUL NUMBER
What you feel inside. Not necessarily what people see.

Knowing your Soul Number is extremely important because it is what you feel inside. People may not see your Soul Number characteristics, but you will feel it on a deep level. Take a look at your Soul Number and know that this is the number that will lead you to inner peace.

Mary, your Soul Number is 9
My 9 soul is fulfilled when: I have resolved old family issues that have caused me pain. When I am living in the moment taking in everything that life has to offer me. When I am making a good living and it involves contributing to humanity.

THE PERSONALITY NUMBER

What is a Personality Number? When you add all the consonants of your name together you will get your Personality Number. This number tells you how you appear on the outside, that is to say, how the world sees you.

Mary, your Personality Number is 3

As a 3 you love dressing up. Your appearance is important to you. You’re happy when you’re well groomed and prepared to greet your public. Your gift is communication. The 3 personality is someone who is witty and fun to be around. You love to give advice, and even if it’s unsolicited, it’s usually well received. You are a good listener, (an even better talker:)) and you love the telephone. In fact, conversation is a huge part of your life; But work on your mood swings. Even though you snap right out of it, others don’t always get over them as quickly. Bringing joy to others is what really fulfills you.

THE POWER NAME NUMBER
What is the Power Name Number?

When you add the Soul Number and the Personality Number together and break it down to one digit you will get your Power Name Number. This number represents the strength of your name and lets us know who you are.

Mary, your Power Name Number is 3.

The Power Name Number 3 is the consummate showman.The 3 is the natural communicator. You need to speak your mind, tell others what you think, and how you feel. You should be in some area of performance, whether on the stage, in front of a classroom, or addressing a crowd in a lecture hall. Being on stage should be a natural for you, if not it usually means old emotional scars from your childhood. The 3 is quick witted and you welcome that round of applause!

THE BIRTH-DAY NUMBER
The Birth-day number is the day you were born. It is the way you look , and how people will perceive you at first glance. Since the Lifepath number is who you really are, it is easiest when the Birth-day number is either a Natural Match or a Compatible vibration to your Lifepath. However, if your Birth-day number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath, you will always baffle the people that are in your life. If this is the case in your own chart, just be sure to let people know who you really are ( your Lifepath number ). It will help you to avoid unnecessary heartaches/headaches throughout your lifetime.

Mary, your Birth-Day number is 3.

The 3 Birth-day ( People born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, or 30th) The 3 Birth-day appears to be a joyous person and a faithful friend.People will notice the twinkle in your eye and the brightness of your smile. While you appear to be artistic and imaginative, people will also see at times that you can be very practical. 3s are the great communicators and people will often seek your counsel .If the 3- birth-day cannot find ways to use their natural talents, they will become depressed. The good news is that they do bounce back quickly!

THE ATTITUDE NUMBER
The first impression people have when talking to you.

If you look at the Lifepath Number of an individual that you want to understand better and it doesn't seem accurate, then study their Attitude Number (add month and Birth-Day together). Let's talk a little bit more about the Attitude Number. How to get it is to add the month and the day together and break that number down to one digit. For instance, for someone born on September 17th: 9 + 1 + 7 = 17 = 1 + 7 = 8 8 is the Attitude Number of a person born 9-17.

Mary, your Attitude number is 9

Attitude #9: Wherever a 9 goes, people will look to them as the person in charge. If they have any emotional scars from their childhood, they need to let them go.If they do not, it can lead to depression.

Meanings of Repeated Numbers in your Chart
When a number repeats itself in your chart, pay special attention to it because it plays an important part in your character. This is especially true if the repeating number is a Challenge number to your Lifepath . For example: Steve is a 5-9-5-3-4 Lifepath / 5 attitude. Steve is a 4 Lifepath, which means he wants love and would welcome a committed relationship.
The 5 on the other hand need freedom to come and go. The 5 does does not want to feel trapped. This sets up conflict in Steve's personal chart, and it is important for him to be aware of this inner duality.

Mary, your repeat numbers are 3 & 9
The repeat number 3 Means you must find ways to communicate whether it is through speaking or writing. Do what it takes to keep your wonderful sense of humor, and always believe in magic.

The repeat number 9 Means you must let go of all the old pain from your childhood. Share your responsibilities instead of taking on the whole burden yourself. No one can read your mind. Let others know what your needs are so that they can give back to you.

What is a Natural Match?
Natural Matches are the numbers that are truly alike. They come in sets of three. The first set is 1, 5 and 7. They are the mind numbers. The second set is 2,4,and 8.They are the business minded numbers. The third and final set are 3, 6 and 9. They are the creative-minded numbers. When a Natural Match meets, it is an automatic connection. The relationship tends to flow. There is an immediate understanding. You do not have to explain to a Natural Match why you do what you do, because chances are they would do it the exact same way.

What is a Compatible Number?
These are the numbers in Numerology that you can get along with, but may have to explain your actions from time to time. A Compatible number will enjoy your company, and be willing to work things out if the relationship gets off track.

What is a Neutral Number?
A Neutral number is a vibration you will feel indifferent about at first. As a relationship develops, it can go either way- peaceful or an all out war. You need to experience the Neutral number on a case by case basis before drawing any conclusions.

What is a Challenge Number?
Challenge numbers are the numbers that really do not understand you. It is as if you speak two different languages. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings are very common when two people come together that have Challenge numbers in their chart. It is nobody's fault. It is just different vibrations flowing in different directions. Some Numerologists call the Challenge number a "toxic number". I try not to because planting seeds of negativity does not improve the situation.

Important Note: as a Numerologist I have observed that if one is abusing alcohol or any kind of drug, the reading of their numbers will be distorted. No one is his or her true self when under the influence of any substance. Keep this in mind if you are involved with someone who has a serious problem.

Numerology is like an onion, when you peel it you will find it has many layers.
If you want to learn more about Numerology, order the Glynis has your Number Numerology Kit. The Kit consists of a book and an audiotape. On the tape Glynis teaches the meaning of the numbers 1 through 9 for easy memorization. The book will show you how to incorporate these numbers into your life. The kit is available at www.numberslady.com

Welcome to the wonderful world of Numerology.

Good Luck!

Letter from Kim Ross

2013-03-13T23:41:00.001-07:00

So I recieved this tonight from a wonderful young Lady that I have got to know from Jaegar and Brendan!!
Shes such a sweet girl, and has had so much tragic in her short life.
Im glad that we have bonded and we have been able to see her a few times and hoping for more visits soon!!

Dear Mary,
Well first of all I enjoyed spending time with you guys tonight and would love to see you all more often! Your truly amazing,you've helped me though alot already,I feel like if I ever need someone to talk to or if I ever need anything your always there.Your almost like another Mom to me. And that means more then you will ever know! Some of the things I shared tonight about family I don't really tell anyone. But I'm glad I was able to talk about it with you. We need to get together as so as possible! I want to be around you guys alot more! Thank you so much! It means everything to me! Love you♥

Kindness makes a difference!!!

2010-10-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

So a few months ago I saw a thing from a lady called Operation Nice http://www.operationnice.com/ , So me being I want my kids to see that there are all sorts of great people in this world. There are some who have more then us and there are alot who have less, but at the end of the day I want my Children to be able to say "WOW I made a Difference in someones Life!"

So with that in mind I got my post it note pads and had the kids write a nice comment on it, they could stick it somewhere,like a bathroom mirror or Item at the store, or even hand it to them and walk away.

Also keep in mind Jordan has Asked us many of times "Why ME?" Why Do I Have to Have a Heart Problem?" "Why do I always get the short end of the Stick?" " Why did most my friends go away when I got Sick?" " Why do I feel as everyone gives up on me?"

I will NEVER forget the first time Jordan asked me "Why Me?" We had just taken Kasie and her Daughters home to Bremerton, we were on the drive back and right as we started to cross the Narrows Bridge She Said "Mom, Why Me?" I looked over and light off the bridge shined and i could see her eyes filled with tears as they began to drop from her face, All I could think to say is "Jordan I dont have the awnser as to why you, but i will tell you that god knows im not going to stop working to make things better for you until everything is right." There are many kids whos parents dont care or take them in to the doctors when they say somethings wrong but see God sent you to us, because I will take you to the doctors and go the extra mile for my Children."

The first thing I have always told her is I know that God chose you for us, because there are alot of parents in this world who wouldnt take there kids to the Doctor, or when we didnt feel as we were getting the proper care, we took you to Childrens Hospital, God knew that we would make sure we got some awnsers to what was wrong. And stay on top of things and make sure the doctors are working on fixing your heart. So he placed you here with us and we will go anywhere and do anything to help you!

But I believe that shes starting to see things different,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So a Few weeks back we went to the US OPEN CUP Championship For the Seattle Sounders, with the nice notes in hand Jordan said She wanted to give hers to that guy riding his bike.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So the next game she wanted to give him another one and as she did he told us this story about a girl who gave him a note last game, He said that young lady didnt know is that 10 minutes before she left that note I had a few guys fit me stick there foot in my bike tire, and I had just regrouped and got back on my bike and this lady put this note on my handle bars

You Make the World Brighter!!

Remember that the small things in life are just as Important as the large things!

This Man is Alvin and he rides for military familys, cancer,Diabetes, and many more things! he is truely amazing!!

As we stood there and listened to his story and then I said that was her!

To see the look on her face to see she had made a difference was great!

Alvin and Jordan

Hes just some of his amazing things he does!!

he gave her inspiration to keep making a difference for others, we as a whole family can say that we have a truely amazing friend in our lifes know and he will always be part of our family.

And then Alvin said he wanted to share something they need to know and that is: All women, ladies, young ladies, girls and little girls deserve and need to be treated with all the love and respect that is rightfully due to you at all times, so I say, ladies, young ladies, girls and little girls hold you head up high and be proud of who and what you are, because only to us men are you considered as out Queens”

Another thing he shared with them is

"If you have a set back

Dont take a step back

Get ready for a Comeback"

So as I read his BLOGGER page http://teampdr.blogspot.com// again I See what hes added

The more we all spoke we began to become closer, you see her mom and grandma are two pretty amazing women themselves, mom is the one who instilled the direction of passion in her daughters life and grandma did what grandmas do the best LOVE, and her daughter does the rest.

Moms daughter has a rare heat condition, that requires hospitalization some of the time, she touched my heart and life in an unspeakable special way and has a vary important place in my life.

Through the struggles of everyday living, to me she is known to be a warrior, strong in battle, but yet gentle and precious as a butterfly.
Her best friend,a new generation of girls whom brings a new meaning friendship.To her best friend (Carly), an angle sent by God to be a vary, vary special friend Bring tears to my eyes as grandma and mom stood by watching and listening to the girls as they grow in maturity. Wanting so much to be a blessing to others
Feisty and determined not to let anything hold her back… One love

Alvin To you .....I can say you leave us speechless, you are a god sent for others and are so amazing, I tell this story to my family and as i do i always say I want you all to meet him. I told them that you are one of the greatest people out there and we are so thankful for you.
With all our love and support and prayers for you we will always be your cheerleaders!!!!!

Adam Curtis Daniels

2010-10-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Adam Curtis Daniels Part 1
It has been 19 days since you were hurt Adam.

This is as I know it, from the stories that were told the night you were hurt. Let me tell you how it went for me.

I was laying in my bed at 10:15PM on Monday night the 16th of April, 2007. Mary came into my room hysterical. Sherri was on the phone and Adam was at Tacoma General Hospital in surgery.

I didn't know what had happened, I only knew that I had to get there. I arrived about 20 minutes later, and the scene was scary. Adam, you were in surgery, people were sitting around in shock and trying to piece together what had happened to you. I can only say that it wasn't real. It felt like one of your tricks. Your shock and awe that you like to do to us. But also knowing that was not the case.

The doctor came out and told us that you were in very critical condition and that it was minute by minute. You could live or die. We knew this was serious. We were able to see you after they had moved you to the ICU trauma unit. Adam, what that did to my heart, it broke into a thousand pieces. The only thing that I could think of was to get a picture of you. I needed the nurses to see that you were our boy, our baby, indeed a special person. I made prints of a picture of Mary and you, and one of you, and hung them on the wall. We daily add pictures of your family. We want the world to know that they are working to save someone important to a huge family.

The fact that someone would hurt you beyond recognition was unfathomable to me. You, who would go the extra mile in the name of love, family and friendship. You could not breath on your own, you could not open your eyes, you were not with us, and we were very afraid. Over the next week, it continued to be touch and go, we learned to watch numbers like you will never believe. We learned what all of the numbers meant, and how to keep them where they needed to be.

At one time this was the scene that we were facing. You were hooked up to 9 different IV medications. For pain, for short term memory, for seizures, for blood sugar, for sodium levels, neo synephrine for blood pressure, morphine (an amount that would have killed me), and a wonder drug call propopol (milk of amnesia). You had a ventilator, because you were in a paralytic state and could not breath on your own. You had 50+ staples in your head and more in your leg, broken ribs, and a serious bleed on your head. Then you developed a bleed on the brain, and severe pnuemonia. You had ventilator tubes, a probe in your head that gave us your ICP's (inter-cranial pressure counts) which was our most important number of all, we had to try to keep you down under 20. You had a feeding tube in your nose, and they were dumping meds into your system to try to keep the numbers in sync.

Then on Wednesday night the 18th, your sister who had diagnosed with pre-clampsia during the daytime, started getting a horrible headache. We tried to give her tylenol, nothing would touch it. We realized that nothing we were doing was helping her, so we took her to Good Samaritan Birthing Center. They checked her out and decided that it would be best to keep her there for the night. They had decided that they were going to induce her labor the next morning because her blood pressure had elevated to dangerous levels. Then her urine tests came back, and we were notified that her protein levels were at 26,000. The normal number being 100. She was dumping toxins into her system and they had to get your niece out of there. At 5:30 pm on the 19th they delivered "Malia Antonella Little Feather Cuny Mostrom Sonsteng". How is that for a name. She weighed 5 lbs and 10 ounces and was 18 1/2" long. What a gorgeous baby. She was taken to NICU, and Destiny was taken to the Critical Care Unit.

So now we have 2 kids in Critical condition. Not good odds for us. In a normal situation, Destiny's numbers should have started coming down. No, not for us, her number elevated to 32.000. She had a ton of magnesium in her system, which is a poison when dumped like that, and the baby had magnesium levels in her system as well. So Mom and I tag teamed. You would have been proud of us. We make a great team.

During this time, you started to open your eyes, and your stare was blank. You did not respond, and did not see us. Were you in there? That was the million dollar question. If you hear "squeeze my hand" one more time, you will probably shoot us.

Every day you are taking tiny steps forward, it gives us great hope for you. We don't know the extent of damage that was done to you as of yet. We have had many long days. You seem to have bad nights, so Mom and I make a point of going up to the hospital at night to make sure you are okay. Your numbers seem to go up the most during the late evening. We talk softly to you, rub your shoulders, rub your forehead, etc. You especially like to have your tummy rubbed. We try different things, to make the numbers stay down. We are not always successful and sometimes that have to give you a bullet shot to knock you down. Oh, how I wish we had that 15 years ago. "Adam is being bad, shoot, knock him out". Wow, would that have been nice. You have leg massagers on your legs, that cover the staples, due to being hit in the legs with a bat. Your broken ribs are healing on there own, since you cannot move, they did not have to wrap them. And you have braces on your legs to keep them straight, in order to protect your ankles. You are definently wired. All of the wires are scary, however, we ask questions, and know what each thing is for. We are okay with that. They are all helping you.

You hate the ventilator in your throat. You fight it harder and more often than you used to fight with Ryan.

More Later...................

Adam Curtis - Part 2

We talked about how much you hate the ventilator. Well, on wednesday the 2nd of May, they took out your ventilator, and installed a traecheotomy tube instead. Wow, you are a lot better about your breathing now. You are not constantly fighting with your tubes. You don't have to try to bite it out of your throat anymore. You respond better to us. You began to wake up more and are more able to nod yes and no for what you want and need.

Then on Thursday the 3rd, you had your feeding tube moved into your stomach. You also had the probe that measures your ICP's removed. You were free and we were able to hug you and kiss you without worrying about your tubes. We became so number oriented that we kind of miss that monitor. Now we just try to keep you calm.

During both of these surgeries they put you under with a local and a paralytic. That way they didn't have to put anymore undue stress on you. You came out of the paralytic after a few hours, and slowly woke up out of the local. You are amazing. Instead of taking baby steps, you are trying to run.

Thursday night you cost me money sweet boy. We were up at the hospital after your surgery to put in the stomach tube. You were coming out of the anesthesia, and they asked us to go out so that they could do their assessment. (they do this every four hours). Your mom, Chet, Ryan and I went out in the waiting room. 17 minutes went by, and we wanted to go back in (remember, you had no tubes, and we could kiss you all over). Your mom was on the phone (don't act so shocked about that) and Ryan and I went in ahead of her. We walked up on either side of your bed, and I was talking to you and you gave me the biggest smile ever. I was so excited that I ran out in the waiting room to get your Mom.

When she came back in you would not smile, blink, mouth an answer, you were being stubborn to a fault. Your mom thought that I was lying, or that you had gas. Finally, before we left, I told you "Adam you need to do something here. We have to go home with her, she is going to bitch all night long because I got the smile. I will give you a hundred bucks, right now, if you smile for your mom." You looked over at me and gave me the biggest smile ever. I hate to say it, but it was money well spent.

On Friday, they started weaning you down on the meds, they had you at the lowest doses possible, and none of the "milk of amnesia". You are starting to remember stuff, and are able to give us yes and no answers. It is hard to leave you. You have excellent care though.

Yesterday, Saturday, Uncle Guy came to see you in the morning and reported back saying that you were wide awake and fighting like a banshee. I got out of bed and came up to see you. They had you sitting in a chair. How awesome that was. They didn't have your hands tied down, but they had control of you wrist bands. I came in and you kept trying to get up. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hang on to you, if I was okay with that. Of course I was. I could handle you as a bratty kid, I can handle you now. You kept trying to get up, and I couldn't let you. I was laying across you arms, you were trying to lean over and pull your tubes. You are still trying to trick us.

They finally put you back in bed and it was about an hour and a half, and finally you were tired enough from fighting to go to sleep. So I just rubbed your forehead and held your hand. Then I went back to your Moms and took a nap. You had a rough night. You will not sleep, you just want to get up.

When I called about you this morning, they said that you were in physical therapy. WOW !!!! You are amazing. You are getting up to go to the bathroom, and you want the catheter out, but not yet. You are still to weak to stand. We spent 3 hours wrestling you, and you would not go to sleep. Chet was giving you a hard time so I told you I would give you a hundred bucks to flip him off. You would look at me and then look at him, but could not get your fingers to do that. I gave you the hundred anyway. I put the $ 200.00 in your hand, you reached for it. So you had it crumpled in your left hand. We told you to hang on to it, so the nurses wouldn't take it. You hid it under the covers. During all of this, you still wanted to get up, you were fighting like crazy. So you dropped one of the hundreds and Chet grabbed it. He told you he had it, and you looked in your hand and saw that you didn't have them both. We got it back for you, and all was right with the world.

I have it in my purse for you. It is Sunday night and we are getting ready to come and see you. You finally went to sleep at about 6:30 tonight. Joanie the nurses aid and Kirsten were very relieved. They have earned their money today. They moved you today over in front of the nurses station. That way you can be monitered 24/7. You are to willing to rip out your tubes to easily. We don't mind the fight. It us much better than having you unconscious. I love you Sweet Boy and I am hanging on for dear life.

Adam Curtis - Part 3

This is our day today, pretty happy. Sunday night we went to see Adam, and of course he was okay. Just "hangin' around". We stopped by after getting a phone call that was distressing. Matthew was in St. Joseph Hospital. Wow!! He had some pretty bad pain going on, and being the good boy that he is, we knew that it wasn't the brown bottle flu from Saturday night. First he had a trip to Group Death (did I say that?), then they sent him over to St Joes, he had all of the appropriate tests, and lo and behold - we have an emergency appendectomy going on. (Is there a non-emergency appendectomy - of course it was emergency). Ryan, Chet, Sherri, and I went to the hospital and sat in the waiting room, the doctor finally came out and said that he was through, and that he did great. We went up to his room, and had a contest to see who could make him laugh first. I am not sure who won, however, it was fun trying. He is doing great by the way, and home at Chet and Sherri's. He came home on Monday morning, what a Studmuffin. Monday morning I tried to go to work like a normal person (what is normal?- a setting on the dryer!!!) Then about 12:00 PM I went to the hospital. Adam had been moved to a room closer to the nurses station, and required a full time "sitter". Someone who just sits and watches that he doesn't hurt himself. Kind of weird, but neccessary. He is able to communicate, although not alway in the best way. He gets pretty colorful in his wording. The only saving grace is the trake, and he can't get any sound out. I try to fill in for him, and just nods if I get it right. We got home about 6:00 PM for family night. We are all very positive about your recovery, and the hope that you are going to be okay. We don't know if you get to be a "setting on the dryer", but we are optimistic. After dinner, Uncle Guy and I were sitting at the dinner table, about 9:10 PM and I had a weird feeling that it was time to check up on you. I called the hospital, and you were having a rough time. Andrea, your nurse, said that you were fighting her and the sitter pretty hard, she was pretty stressed out. She said that maybe we could come try to calm you down. Mom, Mary O., Ryan and myself went up to the hospital, and you were pretty agitated. Between us, we were able to calm you down. You were not to amused by us, but responded okay. We calmed you down so good, that the charge nurse asked 2 of us to spend the night. We all raised our hand for this. You were in massive pain, and we wondered what was going on. They had sent out a urine sample and you have a urinary tract infection. Pretty bad, you are peeing blood. The burning sensation, and the pain are about to do you in. We finally got meds to treat you about 3 hours later. You kick and fight every time that you have to go to the bathroom, my heart breaks for you. I love you so much, and it hurts to see you in so much pain and confusion. We were able to carry on a conversation with you for the last few days, and you are pretty fun when you aren't frustrated with us. Here are some of the things that you do, they are amusing, frustrating, and sad, but they give us hope You want to write, we give you a pen and paper, your co-ordination isn't to good, so you scribble for us and we tell you how wonderful you did, and hang it on the wall. You mouth words to us, we try to understand, and sometimes, we get it right. Some times we can't figure it out, we say the wrong thing, and you get mad. You look at us like we are stupid, roll your eyes, and shake your head, and say fuck because we are just dumb. We are learning what your different signs mean, and you are so glad when we figure it out on the first try. You know how to tell us you want a mouth swab, your blankets on, moved up in the bed, your hands freed up, when you want to go to the bathroom. We are learning with you buddy. We untie you as much as we can, and then we give you a break. You really don't like to be tied down, but sometimes it has to be done. You get stubborn and we have to keep you safe. Today you wanted me to make a list. I did that, and our list read like this: Shower, Clothes, Phone, and Jello. You wanted the doctor to have it. I finally gave you the phone, you put a few numbers in, and put it down. It wasn't as much fun as you thought it would be. The doctor came in, we told her about all of the things that you want, after she told us what a miracle that you are. On Friday, they were making arrangements to put you in convalescent care, and today you are on your way to a rehabilitation center. She was shocked, she could not believe the leaps and bounds you have made. If you are nothing else, Adam Curtis, you are a true fighter and champion. We were so happy to see, how happy she was. We take all of our hope in doses. Small or large. I have learned to make your faces, and that is scary. You try to trick us all of the time. We say don't go for the cath, you scratch your leg, and grab anyway. You cover your mouth to cough and then lunge for your trake. I finally let you take the trake apart and hold it. Go ahead, it isn't going to kill you, but it is easier to breath with it on. Then you just shrugged and gave it back, and AGAIN, we put it back on. I draw the line at letting you pull out your catheter, I know how important that is to you. And this goes without saying, I have seen your pee pee more that I saw any of my ex-husbands, and that is in the last 30 hours. Thanks for sharing. I tell you that the nurses are going to see your penis, and you just shrug, and shake your head, you don't care. You want all the world to see. We talked to you about your head trauma, that you were in a bad accident, and you just shake your head no. You have felt your incisions, and know you were hurt bad, but do not understand that you were comatose for 3 weeks. Today is the 22nd day after the tragedy. You have to be reminded over and over what is wrong, and what we have to do to keep you safe. You go to sleep, and show fear and surprise everytime you wake up again. We tell you it is okay, and explain it all over again. Kind of like "fifty first dates", you forget and we remind you. Fortunately, you come from a long line of talkers, and we are more than willing to tell you again. You don't like it, but so far, you are managing okay. Adam, you were a stubborn little shit the day I met you, and remain so. I am so grateful that God placed you and your family in my life. Mary has always, since the teenage years, remained faithful in the fact that you are her best friend. I have been blessed to be in the situation I am in now, and able to help your Mom with you, Destiny, Matt and Malia. It is amazing to me how God continues to work in our lives, and has seen fit, to allow us to keep you here with us. I love you little boy !!! Your other Mom - Momma T

The Box I’ve lived in for 7 months CHAP 1

2010-10-18T13:57:00.001-07:00

Friday, July 25, 2008
For the First Time in months I can see out my window.

For over 7 months now Ive been trapped in this box with no windows,no flowers,no rain, little oxygen. When a few people would talk to me it was like they gave me a little oxygen to be able to breathe for awhile longer.

I can honestly say I dont remember anything unless I have a picture of it or someone reminds me.
NO I DIDNT NOW WHAT WAS WRONG, AND THE ONES WHO WOULD SAY " WHATS YOUR PROBLEM","YOU JUST NEED TO STOP", "YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF THIS WAY"," DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON". "YOUR JUST CRAZY", "YOU ARE WORSE THEN YOU WERE BEFORE", "WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON".

I WILL JUST SAY THAT NONE OF THIS HELPS SOMEONE THAT WAS AT THE POINT I WAS. AFTER AWHILE YOU START THINKING JUST MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO AWAY. I DIDNT ANSWER THE PHONE,I DIDNT CALL PEOPLE BACK. ALL BECAUSE I COULDNT STAND TO HEAR SOMEONE SAY "YOU NEED TO STOP YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE." WHEN I DID ANSWER THE PHONE I WOULD JUST HANG UP THINKING THAT THEY THINK IM CRAZY TO, THEY REALLY DONT LIKE ME, THEY JUST NEEDED SOMETHING DONE.
BUT DEEP DOWN I WOULD TELL MYSELF THAT THERE ARE A FEW THAT CARE AND I SHOULD ALWAYS THINK THAT.
FOR MONTHS I CONTINUED TO GET WORSE AND WORSE, FIRST IT WAS SOME NOISES THAT MADE ME NUTS AND THEN IT WAS THE TV,KIDS,TO MANY PEOPLE TALKING, MORE THAN ONE THING GOING ON AT A TIME. SUDDEN LOUD NOISES OR SOUNDS.THEN I STARTED BE SCARED TO GO ANYWHERE THAT I WOULD SEE SOMEONE I KNEW. THEN IT WAS THE PANIK ATTACKS,ITCHING OUT OF CONTROL FROM MY NERVES. I COULDNT GO TO ANYONES HOUSE WHERE I WASNT SURE WHO WOULD BE THERE AND/OR WHERE THERE WERE TO MANY PEOPLE. I COULDNT GO OUT WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY IT WAS ALL TO MUCH. I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO SOCCER(I LOVE SOCCER).

AFTER MY NERVES BREAKDOWN, I HONESTLY DIDNT CARE ANYMORE, IT WAS TO MUCH TO CARE. IF YOU NOW ME YOU NOW I LOVE LIFE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I DIDNT CARE IF I SAW TOMORROW. I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE WHAT I WANTED FOR MY CHILDREN. I BECAME BRUTALLY HONEST WITH ANYONE AND TO PEOPLE I DIDNT EVEN NOW, I WOULD SAY STUFF AT STORES TO PEOPLE. THEN I BECAME VERY SENSITIVE TO THE WAY OTHERS TALKED TO EACHOTHER. PARENTS GETTING ON THERE KIDS,PICKING ON THEM, KIDS BEING MEAN TO EACHOTHER AND EVEN THOU I NOW THAT MOST OF THE TIME THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND IT STILL MADE ME NUTS. I HATE THE WAY PARENTS TALK TO THERE KIDS. NO IM NOT SAYING IM ANY BETTER BUT THIS IS ONE THING I WILL WORK ON. I SAY THINGS AND DONT THINK FIRST AND IM MEAN BUT I WILL WORK ON THIS FOR SURE.

I TRUELY CAN SAY I THOUGHT THAT I WAS WORTHLESS ,NOTHING, GROSS, DIRTY ,UGLY,AND STUPID. I STILL THINK THIS WAY BUT I KNOW THIS IS ONE AREA THAT I WILL BE WORKING ON ALSO.

IF ANYONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY(THATS ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS HOW GROSS I AM),IF SOMEONE WOULD SAY ARE YOU READY(I THOUGHT I MUST LOOK AWFUL)I WOULD WORRY ALL DAY AND NIGHT ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY AND GROSS AND WHAT OTHERS WOULD SAY IF THEY CAME OVER. THAT ANGER WOULD TAKE OVER AND I WOULD JUST GET WORSE ABOUT IT. I WOULD THINK ABOUT CLEANING THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS ANYWHERE. I WOULD WORRY ABOUT GETTING IT DONE.
I WAS SURE THAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME EVEN MY FAMILY (WHO SAID THEY LOVE ME )AND MY BEST OF FRIENDS THAT HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME. I WILL SAY THAT THERE WAS A FEW THAT NEVER MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY AND KRISTY WAS AND STILL IS MY ROCK SHE WAS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE AND I LOVE HER TO DEATH. TANK, THINKS IM NUTS BUT HE WOULD GO WITH ME BECAUSE I WOULD ASK HIM TO I WOULD WONDER WHAT HE THOUGHT . AUNT MARY WOULD COME AND SEE ME EVERYDAY AND REMIND ME SHE LOVED ME.SHE SAID I LOVE YOU MY MARY GIRL. JENNY WOULD CALL AND BEFORE I WOULD HANG UP SHE ALWAYS SAID I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER! RIGHT! SHAWNA WOULD CALL AND TEXTED AND SHOW UP AT MY DOOR. BECAUSE I NEVER WANTED HER TO NOW HOW BAD I WAS DOING. ZARA WOULD CALL TO AND LEAVE ME MESSAGES. (ZARA IM SORRY IVE MISSED THE FIRST FEW MONTHS WITH AVA SHES A WONDERFUL LITTLE GIRL) KELLY WOULD JUST HANG OUT WITH ME LET ME CLEAN AND WAS OKAY WITH IT. MY GRANDMA WOULD CALL AND CHECK UP ON ME ALL THE TIME. I HAVE TO SAY AT TIMES I WOULD HAVE OVER 30 MESSAGES. LINDA WOULD COME AND GET ME JUST TO GO TO THE STORE SO I WOULD GO OUT, THEN SHE HAD TO MOVE TO CARE FOR HER PARENTS, I WILL SAY IT HURT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY, MY OWN MOM THOUGHT I WAS MAKING IT WORSE AND I WAS MEAN BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT WAS BECAUSE SHE DIDNT NOW WHAT TO DO. MY DAD!!!! WELL HE WAS JUST HERE FOR ME AND WITH ME EVERYDAY AND NIGHT. IF I NEEDED HIM TO STAY HE WOULD IF I NEEDED SOMETHING DONE HE DID IT. IF I NEEDED A BREAK HE WOULD KEEP THE KIDS....HE IS MY OTHER ROCK. ERIC WELL HE TOOK OVER SOCCER WITH THE KIDS AND FOR THE BOARD POSITION. HE HELP WITH THE ONE THING THAT WE ALL LOVE AND THATS SOCCER. HE THINKS IM MORE CRAZY THAN EVER. HE HAS NO INTEREST IN WHAT IM LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND/OR WHAT TO DO TO HELP ME BUT THATS OKAY I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND THE KIDS. I WILL BE THE WINNER AFTER I GET ALL THIS SOLVED. Thanks for THOSE WHO talked to me and taking me out of this life i was stuck in. These people now who they are ande thank You Thank You.

TO BE CONTINUED......LATER TODAY
BACK AT 4:45 PM

SO I FOUND DIFFERENT WAYS TO HELP MYSELP! I ORGANIZED BEADS. I FILED ANYTHING I COULD, I CLEANED ALL THE TIME. I EVEN PAINTED THE BATHROOM MANY COLORS BECAUSE I DIDNT LIKE ANYTHING. TO GO ANYWHERE WAS SO HARD MY HEART WOULD RACE AND I COULDNT BREATHE. I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO GO TO ANY OF THE REUNIONS. I DID GO AND IM GLAD I DID.

SO I WENT TO MY THERAPIST AND TALKED TO HER ON WED JULY 9TH AND WE TALKED ABOUT A FEW THINGS THAT WERE GETTING WORSE. WE TALKED ABOUT THE Hypnotherapy.
I TOLD KATHY SIGN ME UP IF I THINK ABOUT IT I WILL TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT. SO I CAME HOME AN TOLD EVERYONE HERE SOME CARED OTHER DIDNT. I WAS PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY CHOSE.
ON WED JULY 16TH
I WAS GOING TO CALL AND CHANGE IT BECAUSE GRANDPA GREAT HAD JUST PASSED AWAY AND THEN I DECIDED TO JUST GO OTHER WISE I WOULDNT GO AT ALL.

SO I GOT THERE AND WE TALKED ALITTLE ABOUT HOW I WAS DOING AND THEN SHE WANTED TO GET RIGHT INTO HYPNOTHERAPY. SO SHE HAD SOME QUITE MUSIC ON AND HAD ME STARE AT ONE THING ON THE WALL AND BREATHE DEEP. I HAD TO FIND MY FAVORITE PLACE THAT I FOUND PEACE.
TO ME THIS IS AT FORT FLAGLER WHEN YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD TO MAUDES SPECIAL PLACE. BUT INSTEAD OF TURNING LEFT YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LOOK AT THE WATER,THE TREES ARE WONDERFUL, THE GRASS IS GREEN AND ANIMALS ARE ALL AROUND ME. THE FRESH AIR IS WONDERFUL AND CRISP. ITS A WONDERFUL FILLING. THE CRUNCH OF STICKS AND LEAVES AS YOU WALK ON THEM. THE ANIMALS WALKING IN THE WOODS.
SO AFTER I GOT THIS PLACE I COULD ALWAYS GO TO AND BE SAFE, THEN SHE WANTED ME TO REMEMBER THE BEST AGE AS AN ADULT BEFORE NOW AND TO ME THATS 27. WHEN I THINK OF 27 I FEEL LIKE A BIG BODYBUILDER WITH BIG STRONG ARMS AND I CAN TAKE ON THE WORLD. I WAS SO HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING AT THAT TIME.

THEN SHE WANTED ME TO TELL HER THE YOUNGEST AGE I COULD REMEMBER AND THAT WAS 7. I FELT SO SCARED AND COWARD DOWN, TENSE,TIRED,SAD. I FELT LIKE NO ONE LOVES ME AND DOESNT CARE ABOUT ME.

THEN SHE HAD ME REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE I WAS SCARED AT. IT WAS JOANNAS FABRIC. I WAS SCARED OF WHO I WOULD SEE OR RUN INTO. I HATE THAT FEELING OF THE UNKNOWN.

THEN SHE HAD ME GO BACK TO THAT SCARED 7 YEAR OLD GIRL AND MY 27 YEAR OLD STRONG SELF TO PROTECT ME.

I HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD ALITTLE FARTHER WITH THIS NOW.

I CAN FOR THE FIRST TIME SAY I SEE THAT PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND I WAS PROTECTED BY MY STRONG SELF. I CRIED AND CRIED AND ASKED WHY? WHY? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY CANT I JUST GO TO MY MOM? I'VE TRIED AND YOU STILL HATE ME AND SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME!

I WILL NOT ADD ANYMORE TO THIS DUE TO I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONES FEELINGS.
I WILL TELL YOU THAT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME WAS MENTAL AND I WAS TOLD WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP I WAS AND THAT I WASNT WANTED AND THEY DIDNT WANT ME (NOT MY PARENTS) BUT OTHER PEOPLE THAT I WAS SUPPOST TO RESPECT AND TREAT WITH RESPECT. THIS WAS OKAY FOR THEM TO TREAT KIDS THIS WAY. BACK WHEN I WAS GROWING UP THAT IS HOW IT WAS NOT JUST IN OUR FAMILY BUT IN EVERY FAMILY. BUT I HAVE LEARNED DIFFERENT AND WHEN IT HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER AT THE SAME AGE OF 7 AND CONTINUED UNTIL THE FIRST OF THIS YEAR. I REALIZED THAT IT WASNT GOING TO BE ALLOWED. THAT IS NOT OKAY FOR ME TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO TREAT MY CHILD LIKE THAT WHEN I DONT EVEN DO THAT TO THEM. MY CHILDREN WILL NOT HAVE TO TAKE ABUSE.

I HAVE TOLD JORDAN IS IS NOT ALLOWED TO LET PEOPLE TREAT HER WRONG AND WILL NOT EVER TALK TO THOSE WHO DO THIS. YES ITS A DIFFERENT LIFE STYLE NOW AND I BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO EARN YOUR RESPECT. THAT IF YOU TREAT OTHERS BAD THEN DONT EXPECT THEM TO BE NICE TO YOU.

SHE IS WORTH MORE THAN THAT AND SHE NOWS IT. SHE CAN DO OR BE ANYTHING SHE WANTS. ALSO IN TALKING WITH KATHY SHE BELIEVES THAT JORDAN WILL BE OKAY BECAUSE I HAVE TOLD HER DIFFERENT. AS FOR ME ITS LIKE A SINK EMPTY OF DISHES (AND WE WERE NOT TO TALK BACK SO WE DIDNT WE WERENT ALLOWED TO ASK QUESTIONS. I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKED AND LOVE, AND TREATED FAIRLY. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THE FAVORITE BUT AT LEAST EXCEPTED FOR WHO I WAS.) SO AS LIFE WENT ON THAT SINK TOOK ALL THOSE DIRTY DISHES AND STAKED EVERYTHING IN THERE THAT COULD FIT. SO NOW WE HAVE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT SINK AND TAKE CARE OF IT. CLEAN IT UP AND MAKE IT SHINE.

LIFE IS JUST ONE GREAT BIG CIRCLE AND IT JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE IN MY WORLD. I HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY THAT NUMBER (7)STAYED WITH ME. I NOW HAVE THE AWNSER AND I NOW HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO FIX IT.

AS I HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR ALONG TIME, I HAD TO MAKE A CHANGE TO PROTECT MY KIDS AND MY FAMILY, BUT I JUST DONT NOW HOW TO MAKE IT OKAY. BUT THATS WHAT IM GOING TO LEARN.

I GO TO BED EVERYNIGHT AND SLEEP FOR 4 HOURS AND WAKE UP WITH SOMETHING THAT I FOUND WHILE I SLEPT. EVERYTHING IS COMING TO ME NOT ALL GOOD BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT. LIFE HAS A WIERD WAY OF COMING AROUND.

I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAVE TO EVERYONE I COULD. IF YOU NEEDED ME TO HELP YOU CLEAN(I WAS THERE) IF THEY NEEDED ME TO PICK THE PIECES UP AFTER THEY WERE DUMPED BY THERE MAN(I DID IT) IF THEY NEEDED SOMETHING FROM THE STORE AND HAD NO MONEY (I GOT IT). IF THEY NEEDED A RIDE (SURE mARY WILL TAKE THEM) IVE RAISED ALOT OF PEOPLE AND HELPED THEM INTO ADULTHOOD. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE BUT I HAVE LEARNED THAT I CANT DO THAT ANYMORE AND I HAVE TO DO FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.
I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THESE PEOPLE AND THEY NOW WHO THEY ARE!!!

MY FAMILY (THE ONES UNDER OUR ROOF) ,MY GRANDMA, BOTH MY MOMS, MY DAD, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, MY NEICES AND NEPHEW, MY AUNTS AND UNCLES, COUSINS, FRIENDS, MY KIDS FRIENDS.

IM GLAD THAT I COULD HELP EVERYONE AND ANYONE AND THAT I HAVE HAD THERE FINGER POINTINGBACK AT ME WANTING ME TO TAKE THE BLAME OF THERE MISTAKES. I TOOK IT ALOT BUT ITS TIME TO BE DONE. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIE ABOUT AND I NOW PEOPLE CANT STAND THAT I WILL TELL THE TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT. BUT I WILL SAY THIS ALOT IF PEOPLE HAVE TALKED WITH ME AND IVE BECAME THERE DIARY AND THE WORST PART FOR THOSE WHO WHAT TO MESS WITH ME THE DIARY HAS BEEN LEFT OPEN AND I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

AS FOR THE OTHER THANKS FOR ALL THE YEARS OF TAKING AND TAKING AND TALKING BAD ABOUT OTHERS. THESE PEOPLE THINK THAT I WILL FORGET AND FORGIVE BUT YOUR WRONG THIS TIME. I HAVE BECOME A BETTER PERSON AND ONLY STRONGER. SO HATE ME , BE JEALOUS OF ME, TALK ALL YOU WANT ABOUT ME. BECAUSE I DONT CARE ANYMORE.

I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I HAVE BEEN PUT IN THIS LIFE OF A REASON AND TO HELP OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN HURT THE SAME WAY. SO I WILL HELP OTHERS THAT DESERVE IT AND STAND BY THEM.

SO FOR RIGHT NOW TODAY THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY.!

My box has a window and Im adding on!

As i sit here today, with this lump in my throat. I now its because we have soccer but thats okay. Today will be a big step for me and I will see how it goes. My nervous are bad again and Ive scratched them raw but Im stronger today then even yesterday. SO I CAN DO THIS!

Ive lived in this Cold,Dark place for months and I finally have hope again.

As i sit here and think of all the things that have gone on in my world and thing i have been thinking of it scares me and Im sure it scares others.

If you now me Im a busy,funny,loud and always going somewhere and doing something. I USE TO help anyone and everyone. BUT THATS CHANGED FOR SURE.
In december I can remember thinking Okay Soccers almost over I can hand the paper work over and just walk away. But I guess that wasnt the plan for others. So at the last game Jordan along with 3 others didnt play. They did put Jordan in at the end of the game for the overtime part but that was it. After they were done Jordan and the 3 others were told they were not allowed to try out next year and they could leave now. I will say that made me Angry. So I walked up to the coach and tried addressing the situation. I will just say it didnt go good. But after that we left and It broke my heart to watch these girls so heart broken. I can say for Jordan i felt the pain Ive been on that end of the stick from him forever.

So as time went on I just got worse I dont remember Christmas that much and from there on thank God I have pictures because i dont now where I have been. I remember thinking that if I just went away it would be okay. Everyone would be happier and wouldnt have to put up with me. I know that I wasnt good for the kids at all and they deserve much more. I had told a number of people that if anything is to happen to me I wanted Jordan and Jaegar to stay in there home until they were out of school or longer. I have never told my kids when they were 18 they had to go.

Okay I have to go for now but I will cont. later

MY OTHER MOM IS HOME FROM CALIFORNIA AND I HAVE TO SEE HER. I MISSED HER LIKE CRAZY

To hear and fill his Pain. Adam I got you and love you.

2010-10-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Well..................................When the phone rings at 3:30am its not good. It was my mom and she Said mary it happened again I thought what now? What could happen again?

Then she tells me that Mikey and Adam were jumped and bet up pretty bad. She said that Adam is having a very hard time,he was so upset that they hurt Mikey and mom thought I could help to talk with him.

First off those who now the bond we have would understand it from my seat. I heard My Adam with anxiety, fear,anger,saddness,scared and lost in his voice. From that point on today i have had a hard time dealing with the pain and hurting heart that i know he has.

first everyone has to remember the Adam I know. They came down to the pool and from there on we had a bond. We did everything together, he loved to pick on me and i would always try and wrestle with him and he always said that I wasnt in his weight class.....HAHAHAHA! Sorry those boobs were heavy.

We went everywhere together we went camping,babysat Taylor, always had a lot of Friends Over. We were great team and the best of friends.Some of the little things that will always be a reminder are taxis because we rode in one home from kallas once,when i see ants i remember when he swallowed one.He still cant lie to us because we can tell and so he never trys. When he usually is telling a little white lie and we Question him his face turns all red and he get the giggles, How i would love to here those again. He will always be that Adam to me the one that made me laugh, smile, cry, just being there and having fun.

To know that he is suffering so bad its heart breaking the filling of the unknown is the worst. That feeling of fear everytime you go somewhere, feeling that you can breathe and you dont want to talk to anyone because they tell you, your crazy! get over it! I'M NOT SAYING HE IS PERFECT (YES HE IS).

What im saying is that just going down the road i was on and watching Adams Pain build and build and not be able to say what it is. To me that was the worst feeling ever i dont care what anyone says. I would do anything before i got there again. In some ways i now how he feels.

Being Negative to him will never help it will always make it worse.So if you want want worse then keep going. I know that people are saying that he will just do it again but what IF one time he doesn't. I will say that i know that one day will come but im hoping for it before its to late. But I will say this I WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE WILLING AND WAITING TO HELP HIM!!!

When people tell you make yourself that way then you think you do and makes everything worse, It eventually will over take you and you will think that everyone is talking about you and that if you leave the house then someone willsay something about you. If someone said your house is dirty you will clean it aover and over again and in your head you will always be gross and dirty.

I have said Over and Over again be positive to everyone Use kindness in your words and try to always have an open heart. People That have been put down, and have had a hard times need positive help. Yes I can say now that i now what is going on with me i learn more and more about things everyday.

YES it will get old always trying to help but if you love them you will help them and helping them doesnt mean giving the money and buying them drugs. It means helping them to find the anwsers to the problem that is so deep, lend an ear for listening and give them the straigth to more forward, a shouldren to cry on, a hand to help them up when they fall again. Also everyone needs to be on these Doctors and get him the help he needs for his brain damage. Lets Fix it not make it worse.

So for those who are wondering Yes Adam was in another fight and yes he isnt perfect but there are people who just love to point there finger and start crap but are to afraid to look in that mirror and see their problems so I Im thinking Why DONT YOU deal with your own issues and leave others alone unless you are willing to help him and stand by his side and if you can do that then Go Away.

Adam is a great guy and that Adam is lost inside this one and needs help out so if you love him at all bit your tounge and be positive to him and see what a difference this can make. Because who nows someday this could be you needing help.

Adam and Mikey to I love both of you and get well soon!

IM here and I always will be....

A few interesting things to help Also findings of what this can be

Why do mental illness and drug addiction so often go together? New research reveals that this type of dual diagnosis may stem from a common cause: developmental changes in the amygdala, a walnut-shaped part of the brain linked to fear, anxiety and other emotions
Dual diagnosis is common yet difficult to treat. Addiction of all types -- to nicotine, alcohol and drugs -- is often found in people with a wide variety of mental illnesses, including anxiety disorders, unipolar and bipolar depression, schizophrenia, and borderline and other personality disorders. Lead author Andrew Chambers, MD, cites clinical reports that at least half the people who seek help with addiction or mental-health treatment have co-occurring disorders. Epidemiological data says that from two to five of every 10 anxious or depressed people, and from four to eight of every 10 people with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or antisocial personality, also have some type of addiction.
To find the scientific basis for this complex, seemingly intractable pairing, which has in the past been attributed to "self-medication," Chambers' team at the Indiana University medical school compared the adult mood- and drug-related behavior of two groups of adult rats: those whose amygdalas were surgically damaged in infancy and those whose amygdalas were left intact but who underwent a sham surgery, to equalize their treatment.
Rats with damaged (lesioned) amygdalas grew up abnormally under-responsive to ambiguous or potentially threatening stimuli. Not showing the normal caution, they moved significantly more in response to novelty, showed significantly less fear in an elevated maze, and kept socializing even when exposed to the scent of a predator.
Crucially, these same rats also were significantly more sensitive to cocaine after just one exposure. And rats given repeated cocaine injections later showed even stronger expressions of the enduring changes in behavior -- suggesting an overall hypersensitivity to the addictive process.
Given that the experimental and control rats were raised in the same tightly controlled conditions, the only difference being their brain status, researchers concluded that the integrity of the amygdala was the root cause of both impaired fear behavior and heightened drug response.
"Brain conditions may alter addiction vulnerability independently of drug history," says Chambers. He and his colleagues concluded that someone's greater vulnerability to addiction, rather than a given drug's ability to alter the symptoms of mental illness for better or worse (usually worse), more fully explains the high rates of dual diagnosis.
For these reasons, and given the lab evidence and the fact that dual diagnosis patients do less well on psychiatric medication than other patients, Chambers wondered whether the underlying problems in the brain -- what he calls "neural inflexibility" -- make it harder for these people to respond.
To improve the effectiveness of treatments for dual diagnosis, Chambers would like to see educators, counselors, physicians, and scientific researchers integrate insights into both mental health and addiction. Funding the simultaneous treatment of both disorders would also help, he observes, given that "dual-diagnosis cases are the mainstream among these patients, probably because addiction and mental illness are strongly linked by neurobiology."
What may harm the amygdala early in human development? Dr. Chambers cites the relatively rare cases of temporal lobe epilepsy, tumors or early brain injury. Far more common, he speculates, are complex interactions among subtle genetic and environmental factors that change the way the amygdala functions or is connected to the rest of the brain during childhood and adolescence. For example, he says, "Early emotional trauma, paired with a certain genetic background, may alter the early development of neural networks intrinsic to the amygdala, resulting in a cascade of brain effects and functional changes that present in adulthood as a dual-diagnosis disorder."

How Can I Help An Alcoholic or Drug Addict? - Specific Things You Can Do To Help
1 - Understand Addiction
This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of d

Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:

-Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism

-Have very little environmental risk

-Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them

Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about addiction is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic.

2 - Get Help Yourself
We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior–including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.

3 - Establish Boundaries, Set Limits
One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other's feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick–caring more about this person's feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity–instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic.

SO YOU WANNA HELP A FRIEND WITH A DRUG PROBLEM?

HATE THE DRUGS, NOT THE USER
It's tough to sit down with your friend and make comments that will invariably provoke the response "Who are you, my mother?" However, you've got to start somewhere, and the best thing to do is to criticize the substance that your friend is taking. If you start by criticizing or questioning some aspect of your friend's behavior, he might just shut you out, become defensive, or become confrontational. Of course, it doesn't take a genius to guess that a conversation that starts out with "Cocaine certainly is a dangerous chemical, wouldn't you say?" is going somewhere other than chemistry. Don't say it that way. Say it in the tone of voice you use when you're commiserating or communicating with your friend, and say something like "Cocaine sure sucks."

If your friend bites at the bait you've laid out and starts talking about it, then you've got an opening to try to find out what's going on. Once the conversation turns to her substance use, casually ask how much she's using, and how often. Then ask if she thinks that's a lot, and, if she doesn't, ask what would be a lot. During this initial conversation, you just want to get your friend to admit to you and herself how much she's using, and to get her thinking about whether she's got a problem or not. Don't push it too far, and never be critical or judgmental. Close by saying that you want to help and that you want to talk about it again sometime.

If your friend does not take the bait, don't push. Once you've said something, both of you will know why you said it, and it will hang there until your friend chooses to acknowledge it. He might be ignoring it just to show you that he doesn't have to talk to you about it if he doesn't want to. He'd be right – he doesn't have to talk to you. So just leave it alone and see if he has the guts to come back to your earlier comment sometime later. If he doesn't, wait for another occasion and try again.
It might sound like we're suggesting you pussyfoot around the issue and keep the kid gloves on forever. What about tough love? We advise you to leave any confrontational approach to the family and/or the professionals. It's not your place to slap your friend around and be confrontational, and if you try it you'll almost certainly do it wrong and make things worse. If your attempts at gentle intervention are continually brushed off or ineffective, you should think about narking your friend out to his family (i.e., telling them he's a junkie), and suggesting they talk to a counselor about one of the more dramatic, tough love style interventions. If we can't talk you out of staging your own intervention, please, please speak to a professional counselor or otherwise seek help (see the list of resources in section 4) before you do it. Know exactly what you want your friend to do, and have a plan.

PROVIDE A DRUG-FREE OPTION
As people become more involved with drugs, they start to seek the company of others who will do the drugs with them, enable them to obtain the drugs more easily, and won't hassle them about the drugs. Once you decide that your friend has a problem, you must NEVER take the substance he or she uses when you're with him. For example, if you like to drink occasionally, you shouldn't drink with your alcoholic friend. Think up other things to do and talk your friend into doing them. Chances are, he's got plenty of friends to drink with, so you need to provide a sober option.
If you're picturing skipping through alpine meadows or youth group meetings run by Ned Flanders, that's not necessarily what we mean. Try taking your friend out for coffee or dinner (at a non-licensed restaurant, if she's a drinker) and making good conversation the focus of the evening. Or see a ballgame, play pool, or air hockey or cards, or start a Fight Club (maybe not this last one). There are plenty of things to do -- that don't suck -- that do not involve substance abuse. You should make it a point to draw up a (secret) list of things to do, and make it your goal to get your pal to do them all with you. When the two of you do something fun that doesn't involve sitting around getting messed up, your friend will remain aware that there are other ways of living.Addicts who have strong social or family networks and jobs are more likely to be able to break their addictions than addicts who are alienated and unemployed. Make sure you help to provide the social network, and get in there before your friend loses so much that she doesn't care anymore.... RECOMMEND THAT YOUR FRIEND SEEK HELP

Once you've gotten to the point where your friend trusts you to talk to him about his problem, you've got to recommend that he should seek help. Alcoholism and drug addiction don't go away by themselves, and few people are strong enough to quit cold turkey. The help you provide is necessary and important, but it probably isn't sufficient. There are many different ways to get help with addiction, and you should suggest them all to your friend until you hit on one that's acceptable to her.
We'll provide you with a list of suggested places to get help, and you can either print it out and give it to your friend or just remember the ones which seem suitable and talk to him about them.

PRAISE SUCCESSES
Many, many recovering addicts relapse back into addiction. It's a sad fact that once you've been addicted to something you're always somewhat at risk to start using it again, and your friend is no exception. That's why you've got to make sure he knows that any time he spends off the drug is good time. Keep up with his progress, and praise him for any success he has. Comment on how good he looks, how much happier he seems, and how things are really going well for him, even if these are blatant lies. Don't patronize, but be ridiculously positive.

Another thing to remember is that recovering addicts tend to find life extremely boring once they start living life without the drug. Refer back to Step 3; you've got to be the no-drugs fun person who convinces your friend that a sober life is worth living. This might be tough on you, because your friend might actually be kind of boring while she tries to adjust. Be a good friend and stick with her. With your help, your friend could go on to be rich and successful, and then you can borrow money from her. And isn't that what being a friend is all about?
We wish the best of luck to you and anyone who is affected by substance abuse...

Jordans sum of her heart surgery!

2010-10-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

So June 1 2008 after the great nurse at good Sam saw her heart rate was a little high and wanted to re check it once more, which showed a rapid heart rate. So we have him to thank for her today. After seeing a dr in tacome with out any good results or answers we went to childrens and with in days they said she had H factor pylori, AET (Artial Ectopic Tachycardia). So it explained alot of her weight issues and why she couldn't keep up with her soccer sisters. So after ALOT of Meds the H factor Pylori was gone and so in DEC 08 they attempted aElectrophysiology study and Ablation, in which was UN successful, So we waited and as things got worse for her they wanted to try again, so on June 2 09, we went back in and had the surgery again, they were able to see that there was also an Accessory Pathway, along with the AET. So we were told there was a 3 percent chance of it returning. the Next 3 months she had all the energy back. but around September I noticed a drop in her running and energy, I asked her and she said Just because I'm not running that fast doesn't mean my hearts acting up. But come to find out she was just scared because she knew something was wrong but what! After an attack at school, they called me and we went back in so over the last 6 months we have done all those test again and sure enough after the stress test he said they have to go back into surgery, Not sure if its the same as before or something else. So we will be going in for Surgery on June 16th, the surgery will last 6 to 8 hours depending on what they locate.

So Jordan's third Surgery was no so great, they were able to tell us that the Accessory pathway tachycardia

that they located and did a successful ablation, has stayed closed and didn't re-open, but on the other side of things are the Atrial Ectopic Tachycardia was still there but the location is in the upper chamber but right against the lower chamber So they tried for 8 hours and also gave her straight Liquid adrenal for 6 hours, they were able to try but they didn't get it. So we ended up spending the Night at Children's Hospital. We didn't even get to see her until 10 pm because all the Adrenal they gave her made her sick and gave her a massive Migraine, also they were not sure if she would be okay Thur the night. So My mom had to work in the morning, and Linda and her were both willing to stay with us, but we sent mom home so she could rest, Linda ended up staying and staying in the room with Jordan, because I cant handle the door shut and being trapped in. So Carly and I slept up in the the Family resource center. So we have attended multiple Dr appointments and as things stand know shes a medical mystery, they would need three cases to make it a medical study. That's due to the fact that there are no records ever that show someone who can have two rhythm. So we will keep up out fight and carry on.

I will say that it was harder for Us the first and second time, but i think this time is more scary for her and us with them not knowing what it is and the fear from her is pretty hard. Shes very scared but the Dr did tell her no needles when shes awake... So that helps her alittle...

SO PLEASE SEND HER WORDS ON ENCOURAGEMENT AND PRAYERS!! SHE STILL HAS ALONG FIGHT AND SHE NEEDS SUPPORT FROM ALL HER FAMILY,FRIENDS, SOCCER SISTERS, SOCCER FAMILY, AND ANYONE WHO IS INVOLVED IN HER LIFE!!!!

THANKS

MARY

After the Surgery in June!

Some of her closes friends ever

Sounders Opener March 25 2010

best friends

They are the true meaning of Forever Friends

Take A Minute

2010-10-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Come along and share with me the most wonderful place in the world, as Im on my way to this place I take a deep breath.I love the smell of the outdoors and the crisp air you take in, the birds singing, the wood cracking, letting nature take over, its the best, walk slow and look around,enjoy the time, to my special place. As i arrive to my center spot if my special place I feel such a sence of being free,I'm so safe right here, I feel Maude around me, its the best feeling to feel that free again Its like the sun that shines through the trees,see right there, as i stand in the middle its almost like a ring around me and Im safe. Wow what about all those wild flowers,green trees and grass, as i stand there that very special Eagle glides by, I know its time to take a left, I follow our eagle up to the top of the world. The air is still crisp, the smell of the salt water, the water is so colorful and wonderful, What a wonderful place to be. Goodnight to all! I will meet you in my dreams Maude and Grandpa. At the best place FORT FLAGLER!!!

I Honestly wonder why I cant bake that well.

2010-10-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

So I have tried making all different things and some work and some don't.

I wonder why I cant bake?

Grandma Rushton can!

Grandma Olson Can!

Aunt Mary Can!

Aunt Debbie Can!

But not I

Maybe left handers shouldn't bake?

Because once i try, theres food all over the counter,

Ive added stuff the wrong way, or maybe I was just ahead of myself?

But today I tried to Bake Cinnamon Rolls again and they are pretty good!

So Here there are

I Hope the kids Like them?

Simple Things In Life (Jordans Photos)

2010-03-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

A Patch Of Daffodils

Jordan Found on Pipeline

The Dove House

The Out House

The Road to Endless Opportunity!

I love the lighting with the Old Tire Swing!

Soap and Water from washing the Truck!

Shawna Showers with a touch of Natalie !!

2010-03-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Shawnas Having a Perfect Little Girl!!

Due May 14th

So we had a simply but nice shower,

Wonderful Chile, Cornbread,

and

Cupcakes Made by Laughton!

Its was also a nice welcome to have Natalie,Larry, Jack

and

Adelaide Raine

Due Around May 8th

Natalie, Jack and Shawna

and the

TWO little Divas

They both got You are My Sunshine Outfits.

Baby Food cookbooks, Hand made Quilts,

HomeMade Burp Rags!

Also Shawna and Laughton

recieved alot of things

clothes,Diapers,body wash,

toys, blankets and More.

So after the Shower we had fun with some Photo Time

Skippty do da, skippy yea, my oh my what a beautiful day, plenty of blue skies headed my way...

Walking with My Baby and Balloons!

Aunt Elaine Is So wonderful!

Shawna!!

THANKS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL GIFTS!

ALSO FOR EVERYONE WHO CAME

OR TRIED TO COME.

THANKS TO NATALIE AND LARRY

FOR MAKING THE DRIVE HERE.

Drews 16th Birthday and Uncle Perrys 29th Birthday

2010-01-17T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well this was a great evening with some of our family, Perry was there setting up the stage Jaegar was helping a little and I was going so house work for Grandma while listening to grandpas tapes, and Grandma was having her much needed nap, Zara and the kids got there, the boys ready to play, Drew at the cool age know and well Ava she is so funny, she has a smile that lights the sky and she makes great faces. We were looking at pictures together and when she saw her with her dad she hugged the computer and when she saw her mom and dad she layed her head on the computer. She loved so much and she is so proud of her Mom,Dad,Drew and brothers as she said.

Ryan arrived a little later after getting some beautiful Art work Tattoo on his Back.

also his ribs he had done a few months ago

Eric,Jordan arrived soon after,along with Aunt mary and Dar,Aunt Debbie and Kim, Shawna and Laughton with our baby girl on the way, I got to feel her wiggle around, Mason and His Girlfriend, She was nice, Mason you got yourself a good one!,Great Aunt Mary and Uncle Leon came, Great Aunt Mary Made the cornbread, and it was great. Also It was so great to have Joanna and Gavin and Carter there to!

To watch those boys make songs and music was so great, yes they did miss the others that werent there but we still had fun, We had Chile,hotdogs,cornbread,cheese and Onions and it was great along with that wonderful Costco Carrot Cake.

I have to say even with me not being able to sit in the middle of all of it I could hear them singing and playing the drums.

So I have to say All in All it was a fun relaxing night!

Miss Ave Blue

Grandma Playing the Drum

Just thought this was a great shot

Grandma singing to Perry and Drew

I love to see this some of the cousins playing the music

Jaegar,Logan,Mason,Liam,Carter, and Gavin

Jaegar,Perry,Mason,Logan and Gavin and Liam in the back.

As she sadi look theres Ava Blue!

What a great girl! Shes so funny

Shes Deciding what Song to do she knows so many!

My Grandma Rushton

2009-12-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

Oh no.....What should I do? Should I go home to be with you?

do I stay here with my Kids at soccer?

Inside I kept saying if she knew i was there,

Would it make a difference?

Wait not just me but the whole family.

I can tell you for myself, I sure that it would help.

So as I went along that day, I thought what you would say,

"Mary girl, I'm ok."

"but Grandma do you need me there?"

"theres nothing you can do here so stay."

"those wonderful kids want you there, watching them play"

So I said I'll stay, but any change and im on my way.

With the kids scared and worried,

I have to make it ok, they have games to play.

So with my Princess Diadora on the way,

I knew she would make me feel ok.

So as I sat in my chair with my best friend,

She just looked at me with her wonderful eyes,

and she made me feel ok.

So when we went back to our room, i had my phone right there.

I said if anyone calls Im on my way,

So with Sunday here and the last of the games and then

I knew i was on my way to you.

Drop the kids and Eric off and Grab her New secert Box.
write down a few thought and Im on my way

As i enter the waiting room with the family
there, Im scared to see you, but also want to
let you know "I'm here know"

As i enter the ICU, I felt a lump in my throat.

I stopped myself and thought "be strong,dont cry, make her proud."

I though she knows how hard these things are to me. So smile,stand tall, and walk right
in there with no worries at all,
So as I take that long walk down the hall, I see your sisters coming my way.
Oh wait maybe i should just go out.

i couldnt take another step by myself, so they said "Come on Mary, its ok."

As I come to your hospital room, I see machines,tubes, things beeping and all those monitors.

But behind all that I see The most wonderful Face, There you are!
My Grandma,

She has to be ok!

Unable to talk to us, through all those tubes
I just take a good look at you!
I just took hold of your hand,

You looked at me,
but you looked right into my soul.

and all i could say
"Grandma, your getting better, you will be ok.

You shut your eyes and rest again.
I tell you "I'll be back,and I love you alot."

So a few more days of rest you need
then maybe you will be able to talk.

So as i enter the room One day,
those tubes were gone and there you were.
With a little horse voice, to try to talk.
then I said "its ok to rest Grandma I will be right here
and if i have to move I will tell you first"
So as I stand there watching your breathing and
hope you get some rest

I took your hand into mine,
wait a second i have those hands.

I have her hands, oh my gosh, I have the hands of the most

amazing,loving,kind,caring,strong and wonderful grandma.

Shes cared for children, cooked and baked all day,

And I could say Im so glad to know I have those hands of

that amazing lady. Wow how luck I am.

Knowing that I had my Grandmas hand,

i thought of all shes done.

She mended wounds,

shes hugged all those kids,
shes cuddled them all,
shes kissed alot of
bumps and bruises,

she baked,

she could sew,

she fed all those animals,

she has done so much laundry,

She had made so proud to say

I have my grandmas Hands!

and I very proud to say!

So forever and always I can
always say I have my Grandmas hands!
What a gift from up above.

Love You Grandma
Mary

Missing You

2009-12-31T01:08:00.000-08:00

I miss the way you make me laugh,

the funny things you say.

I miss you when i need a hug

and a smile to brighten my day.

I miss the way you listen and care,

our talks that never end.

I miss a shoulder to lean on,

I miss you dear,sweet friend.

There are so many wonderful

Memories

Weve sharedalong the way...

Im thinking of you today,

and missing you always.

That Cousin Of Mine.

2009-12-01T02:33:00.000-08:00

That Cousin of Mine

Well you see shes a cousin to me,

Shes everything I wish i would be,

Shes beautiful and shines so bright,

She like that one star that shines so bright,

Well you see she that cousin to me

we have had so much fun,

Wow, It would be fun to be young again

Camping, quading, or taking a swim,

Singing and Dancing with the munchkins again,

Well you see that cousin of mine

is my biggest supporter at times,

even when Im scared to take her calls,

because Im scared i will say something wrong.

Well You see that cousin of mine

is more than that to me

Shes brillant,smart,fun and young at heart,

Wow what it would be to live my life so free,

Well you see that cousin on mine

is Married

She was there the day I said "I Do"

But I missed her "I Do's"

I did sent a letter for her to read

but shes much more than that to me.

Well you see that cousin of mine

was there with me,

from camping,hanging out, from the ocean to

fort flagler, or at a family thing. She was with me.

She was there with me when Jordan and Jaegar

Were born to me.

Well you see that cousin of mine

Shes having a baby!

I cant wait to see that beautful baby

With a Mom and Dad that are the best

they can be.

The new baby is as lucky as can be.

Well you see that cousin of Mine.

shes there for me,

but I will say that sometimes

I'm scared she'll go away.

Well You see that cousin of Mine

Shes many things but she

the only Chiche for Me.

I love my Shawna the mother to be.

Love Ya

Who Do they want me to be?

2009-12-01T01:42:00.001-08:00

Who Am I suppost to be?

I dont know who I'm suppost to be?

Quite and calm and I'm being dumb,

having a moment of fun and I'm in the wrong,

Paint the inside of the house, and I must be wierd,

Sorting Beads and I must be crazy,

Cleaning all day long and Im Dumb,

I dont know who I'm suppost to be

What happened to me?

Why do I take everything so personaly?

You say you need some plain color paper for scrapbooking

I'll be back so.

With every color,texture,shade there can be,

I love to collect things,

As I take a drive across town

I tell my dad

where did I go wrong?

I tell him anything I do,

Someones calling me crazy,wierd,strange.

I tell him Im scared to be

I want to be me,

he tell me no thats not it,

your fine with what you do

But please at least finish it,

weather it be scrapebooking,beads,cleaning,or organizing

Please just finish it and let it be.

"You always start a project murry." he said to me

I tell him dad its from the ADD.

he said "Just try and Finish one thing."

and then you'll see!

You can be anything you want to be!

Soul Mate Friend

2009-12-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

My Soul Mate Friend

As I stand at the window tonight.

I think about what I've done right?

When i realize theres nothing there,

Then I think if I only knew where i went wrong,

when i Was so strong,,

I think about the one thing i lost,

My soul mate of a friend.

We had so much fun,

then one day it came to an end,

I miss the laughter and words
we shared,
I miss just being there,

I miss her presence,

to me I must be a problem,

is it that I'm ugly,fat,short,and out of sort,

Did i say something wrong?

Was I not there when I should have been?

Was I not even your Friend?

If its something I said or did?

Theres days thats what I wonder,

then theres day I want to say,

What happen to us anyways?

I'm sorry if its because i stayed away,

I don't want to burden you another day,

I didn't want everyone to have to be,

around Me,

I was scared that you would agree,

with the ones who hated me,

I one thing i have learned is who cares,

I wish I could say I didn't but
in my heart I care all the way.

There are many times in a day that

I want to say,

What Happened?

What went Wrong?

Was I a bad friend because

I wasn't strong?

Did i push everyone away?

All I can say as for today,

If I did you wrong

Oh, I'm so sorry for not staying strong,

I'm so sorry if i pushed you away,

but i didn't want to burden you another day,

I will say that today

I'm scared to try in anyway,

what if you hate me for real,

what if you shed a tear,
then i know I did something
Wrong,

Is it because I'm not that strong?

I will say i always think in the worst way,

So I'll try another day,

As I stand here still looking out the window

into the darkness of night

I feel so empty, alone,
even with the kids asleep,
So inisint and strong,

So if I had my soul mate friend,

back again,
theres so many thing i want to say,
wait....thats ok.
I think she would feel it anyway

Who knows how long i will stand here anyways,

the answers i need are
not out the window in the dark

its somewhere deep in someones heart.

So as i go to bed tonight i will

Ask god why I feel I lost

That One True soul mate friend?

By Mary Keller

Facebook | Mary Olson-Keller

2009-11-30T00:36:00.000-08:00

"What a Veteran Means to Me!
By Jordan Keller

I see a person proud to take a stand
A person who ensured our
Free land.

They left behind there family & friends
to fight for what they believe,
some of them never returned
leaving love ones to greive.

They risked their lives for what we have
today.
They Fight for freedom & Peace that
we all share everyday.

During a long and brutal war,
mail was the only way
to communicate with friends and family
left to worry everday.

Some returned home
without friends,
they would not see ever again
Some returned home hurt, what
didnt kill them made them stronger.

I salute each & every one
for the service they have done.
So thank each veteran that you see,
they are the ones that made this,
Tthe Home of the Brave
&
The Land of the Free!"

Our Grandpa Bill

2009-11-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Our Grandpa Bill (Whiskey Bill)

So I wanted to share with everyone the Insight that I have received from my grandpas tapes, I have always love to hear him talk at AA meetings. But I have to say that today I have listened to three of them and i can never get enough of him.

So as i listen to him I can see his face, him standing there in his cowboy boots and overalls or a nice shirt with one of his wonderful Indian turquoise bow Tye, his comb in his front pocket and getting a drink of his coke with ice. I feel at piece with life when hes talking, I will say at my age today I have learned that my grandpa was smarter then i ever though he could be. I do see what hes talking about Your Religion or AA isn't a program its a way of living. As I heard many times in my life was that my Great Grandma (grandpas Mom) Said "Billy, I don't care what you believe in Just grab on to it and hold on tight." "Acceptance is love" he said Its learning to love the right way, my grandpa is amazing, the things hes been Thur and have done I'm so grateful that we had him in our life.

Our grandpa has lived on streets,in cars,in houses with Grandma and there 7 kids. he shared so much in each of these talks, the man who grandpa met in California, he brought my grandpa home, and I'm so glad for that, the way my grandpa explains it. He never wanted to hurt anyone and he thought he only was hurting himself. he said that he had a hard time with Believing in God. He said he tried and one night he lied down after not sleeping for weeks and Ask God to Help Him! He said that night he went to sleep and in one shakeable place he woke up knowing weather he was a live or died He was going to be OK.
He said " I see no evil in you I only see goodness and love in each and everyone of you."
Grandpa said "the truth will set me free and he knows that."
Grandpa said that step 3 of the 12 step book is take your own inventory and as he said he still always was taking inventory,

He said he was 14 of 17 kids and felt that he wasn't wanted, I can define it very simple to day and it an inability to love and be loved. I didn't know how to give and receive."
He said that he got to see his kids 2 months into being sober and he said the week before that he ran into a lady and said "Ma" I'm sober and I'm never going to drink again" he said Her response was "Ya right Bill"then she turned and walked away. That would be our Grandma She was so strong and courageous. He talks about how he took one of his sons to get some shoes and to a meeting and that night after they got home he went to make sure everyone was covered up. Then he saw something that he would never forget. he said "Ma Come look at Chuckie" as she went into the room with grandpa, and saw those shoes on Chuckies pillow. She said Pa those are the first new shoes hes ever got." he was 11 and all these years I thought I was only hurting myself. he talks about his daughter who had joined the program all she wanted was acceptance from her Dad.

He Shared about his Granddaughter, She was 8 or 9 months old and they were going to a meeting and someone said Bill she cant be her. Grandpa said well you see this jug(her bottle) "I've been trying to get her off this her whole life" and then he set her down, she couldn't walk but she stood there wobbling and said "You see her she cant stand still" " Hell She cant even talk right" From that day on she went to that meeting everyday. We would go to breakfast every morning, But that grand baby taught me more about Forgiveness then anyone ever could. She didn't care if I had bad breath or my hair was messy or if I was ugly. She just loved her old grandpa and he knew that. (That is his Rainy).

As for me the words that always helped me were "Its going to be Okay My Mary Girl" I would love to hear him say that once or twice in my last few years of hurt and pain I have been thur.

Also I never thought anything was ever wrong with my family I thought we had the best of everything in our family, We once were said that those Bill Rushton have money we were the rich ones and I will never forget our Grandpas words at that moment "YES WE ARE RICH, BUT WE AREN'T RICH WITH MONEY WE ARE RICH WITH THE LOVE WE HAVE AND SHARE" to so many of us in my family live with that and by that.

My crazy family, i wanted them back when i quit drinking, we had to part and get divorced because we couldn't get past the before and yesterdays. Because of the ability to live this program and the ability to forgive and forget Shes my Best Friend Today.

4 of my crazy kids are in the program and 1 in training. He said if he needs to go to AA he will and I know he wont but that would be OK.

"God is in your eyes your laughter and your smile."

"God I love you people."

I can say that After I listened to all three of those tapes tonight I have a new feeling of its going to be OK and that our grandpa was a wonderful as we thought.