Liverpool Echo - Square Eyes

He's no pretty face - but Andrew Marr knows his modern Britain

2009-10-29T14:13:00Z

ANNOYINGLY, I missed the first 10 minutes of Andrew Marr's The Making Of Modern Britain (BBC2, Wed, 9pm) - and then spent the next 50 cursing my late finish at work.

I can quite happily sit and lap up documentaries about 20th century for hours and hours on end, which makes this very welcome series a mouthwatering prospect.

But, as ever, it left me wondering - who decided Marr had a face for television?

]]> Don't get me wrong, Marr is an inspirational figure to any journalist, reporting on the Blair years as a political correspondant before making the jump to mainstream television without missing a beat.

And perhaps it is his complete physical unsuitability for a place in front of the camera which makes him such an inspiration in a TV climate which considers Moira Stuart too old to read the news while Natasha Kaplinsky rakes in a fortune from Five.

Luckily, his bony face, gangling frame and unfashionable dress sense are completely overwhelmed by his expert knowledge and infectious enthusiasm for his subject.

At no point last night did I feel Marr was reading from an autocue; I absolutely believed he knew for himself all about a fairly obscure period in history - the pre-WW1 20th century.

As some lovely archive footage showed, this was still an era when well-to-do women wore huge hats and poor children ran around in ragged clothes.

The king, as Marr memorably entoned, was shaped like an aubergine and ate enormous, 12-course meals while huge swathes of the population lived in abject poverty.

It wasn't, unfortunately, a desperately interesting time - not that Marr would let you believe that - but the roots of the nightmarish times which would envelop Europe later in the century were there to see.

For I didn't know eugenics, so horrifically championed by the Nazis, originated in Britain.

And I was ashamed to find out the term "concentration camp" did not first emerge from the horros of Auschwitz but, as photographic evidence proved, was first used by British troops during the Boer War.

I'll be tuning in next week.

The X Factor goes into orbit

2009-10-13T20:23:36Z

SO I'M not the only one who's a little too interested in The X Factor (ITV1, Sat & Sun, 8pm).

More than 14m people watched Kandy Rain rather harshly get the boot on Sunday - about the same number who watched the final of last year's already pretty popular series.

At this rate, the viewing figures over the next few weeks are going to be astronomic.

]]> Reality shows' viewing figures normally follow the same pattern - gradually rising as the sharp end of the competition looms.

Which makes it all the more remarkable that The X Factor should post such high numbers so soon, at a stage when nobody surely cares that much about any of the contestants.

Maybe it's the John & Edward thing. I really hope not. I don't want Simon Cowell's disdainful attitude to the gruesome twosome to be withered by big ratings.

But I can't help thinking a lot of people tuned in to see them unceremoniously booted off after a pretty dreadful, but crucially eye-catching, rendition of Rock DJ, a song which doesn't even require anyone to be able to sing, as long as they can learn the words and speak them in the right order.

Unfortunately, though, a whole lot of people seem to think it's HILARIOUS to keep them. It's not. Just annoying.

Kandy Rain's chances of survival looked slim from the outset - as I predicted last week, Louis seemed happy to let them crash and burn by getting them to sing Addicted To Love (great one, Louis, the kids will love that early 80s Robert Palmer number).

Then there were the breathtakingly hypocritical comments from Dannii and Cheryl about their clothes, or lack of them.

There's no real reason why female viewers shouldn't vote for scantily-clad girl groups on The X Factor - hell, they're quite happy to buy Pussy Cat Dolls records - but for some reason they never do.

I was a little more surprised about Rachel Adedeji's presence in the last two - no, she doesn't have the most dazzling of personalities, but she can sing, which puts her above John & Edward, and at least two of the boys category.

The blame for that should lie at the feet of Dannii, who shot herself well and truly in the foot after scooping the strongest category by getting a sultry soul diva in waiting to dress up in a blue and white striped jumper and jump around on a podium singing Let Me Entertain You.

The Whitney Houston week should suit her much better... and let's hope. Despite a great performance by Danyl, I'm rapidly going off Cowell's other two contenders - Olly, who I'm no longer convinced can sing anything other than what he did in his first audition, and Jamie, whose head is swelling to the size of his afro.

So bring on the girls.

Masterchef: The Professionals a step too far

2009-10-07T13:17:29Z

MASTERCHEF is undeniably brilliant, a cracking reinvention of a tired old format which has quite frankly become required viewing, whether the celeb or normal version.

But is anyone feeling completely, utterly underwhelmed by Masterchef: The Professionals (BBC2, Tue, 8pm)?

]]> The charm of the bog-standard Masterchef is multi-stranded.

Clearly there is the immense satisfaction gained when a hugely talented amateur chef conjures up a gastronomic marvel, particularly when they are as deserving of the ultimate prize as Mat, that big bald bloke from New Zealand who won the last series.

There is also the even greater satisfaction when, in the brilliant opening task of the first round, when we see our potential champions for the first time, someone cocks up horrendously and serves up strawberry jelly in gravy because they panicked at the last second and decided their coq au vin wasn't going to work.

And obviously the celebrity version of the latter is even better because they are famous.

But the whole point of Masterchef: The Professionals is that the contestants are, well, professional. And therefore should be cooking great food and not be making cock-ups. And if they do make cock-ups, I just find find myself thinking 'you shouldn't be here', not laughing.

Add to that the absence of John Torode and therefore the amazing chemistry between him and Gregg Wallace (back doing that irritating thing where he drags the spoon or fork against his teeth while removing it from his mouth - he'd stopped doing that in the last series), and a lot is going wrong.

And that's before I even start on the "guest" (ie temporary replacement) judges, the ultra-wooden Michel Roux Jr and that really harsh woman who seems to be scolding the contestants even when dishing out praise.

Last night was typically underwhelming; a series of professionals cooking some quite nice looking but not amazing looking food, plus some minor cock-ups, like one of them serving raw kidney and another one kidney seeping with blood. Yuck.

Masterchef: The Professionals was just a step too far. And hopefully the BBC will realise that quickly.

Flash Forward already looking like a winner

2009-10-06T15:28:52Z

YOU can tell the autumn nights are starting to draw in when telly begins to be good again.

After a desperately barren summer, the quality is starting to ratchet up again, and none more so than in the most unlikely of places - Five.

I'm loving Flash Forward (Five, Mon, 9pm) so far.

]]> Right from the off last week, it oozed quality - Los Angeles has never looked so idyllic as it did in the glorious opening shots of the Benfords' housing estate, nestled among the hills, or the picturesque boardwalk where suicidal doc Bryce came within a second of taking his own life.

It also comes with a proper pedigree, coming from the same stable stable as Lost - which, whatever you think of it or whenever you gave up on it (end of season two for me, when it switched to Sky), couldn't be faulted in the way it looked.

Luckily for Flash Forward, it seems its makers have learned a few lessons from the bizarro island plane crash drama.

It kept the best aspects - a showpiece disaster in the opening episode, a clearly-defined cast, great special effects, the animal in an unlikely setting (for polar bear on a tropical island, see a kangaroo in a city centre).

But it jettisoned the confusion and the feeling inherent within Lost of not ever really getting anywhere.

For the uninitiated, Flash Forward's premise is that the whole world loses consciousness for two minutes and 17 seconds.

Chaos briefly ensues as cars and planes crash.

But it's the visions everyone had during those two minutes and 17 seconds - the "flash forwards" to six months in the future - and the subsequent FBI investigation which is the focus for the show.

Last night's episode, understandably, didn't grab me by the scruff of the neck like the fast-paced opener.

But it still moved things on satisfactorily, as Dr Olivia Benford met the man she believes she will be having an affair with in six months time, as Mark Benford and Demetri Cho investigated the mysterious D. Gibbons - with fatal consequences.

Flash Forward is 22 episodes long, I think, but at this rate I don't envisage it will have any problems fleshing out that much viewing time.

In fact, I think we might have the next 24 on our hands.

X Factor's De-Tour spill the beans

2009-10-06T15:25:38Z

FOR anyone who hasn't had enough of The X Factor after my ramblings yesterday, here's another fix - my ECHO colleague Tina Miles interviewed groups rejects De-Tour yesterday and they had plenty to say about losing out to John & Edward.

Here's the link:

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/liverpool-news/local-news/2009/10/06/liverpool-band-de-tour-speak-about-losing-out-to-x-factor-pop-twins-john-and-edward-100252-24859772/

John & Edward defy the point of The X Factor

2009-10-05T15:51:41Z

WHEN The X Factor production team sat down to discuss ways to improve an ever-more-successful format, I guess they came up with a couple of ideas.

One, of course, was the shocking call to hold the first auditions in front of a whoopng crowd of nitwits, giving the whole thing a sub-Britain's Got Talent feel and opening the doors to far too many self-aware idiots-in-waiting.

However, I suspect John & Edward were NOT high on their hitlist of ways to take The X Factor to new heights.

]]> Louis' inexplicable admiration of the fright-wigged twins has done little more than make him look like an out-of-touch old man, rapidly fading in comparison with so-called "national treasure" Cheryl Cole.

"The kids will love them," he gushed. No, they won't. They really won't.

Simon Cowell was blunt in his appraisal - "If I get the groups, they aren't even coming on the plane."

Ronan Keating, Louis' "expert" advisor was more subtle - "I think you're mad" - before veering back to sycophancy ("But I'll support your decision.")

In fairness to Walsh, lumbered with the groups for the third year out of four, he didn't exactly have a lot to choose from.

A group has reached the final more or less every year, but the overall choice is never great - could you really see the feeble Harmony Hood performing on ITV every week?

My worry, should I be a member of Miss FRANK or Kandy Rain, is that Louis tends to let one or two of his acts crash and burn in the early weeks of X Factor - see Bad Lashes and Girl Band last year for a good example.

And he might find it easier to propell John & Edward through a few rounds on the anti-Cowell vote than actually work out a way to make an X Factor girl group a success.

Elsewhere, Simon was dealt comfortably the easiest hand - any one of the over-25s could quite easily have taken their place.

Personally, I think he picked cleverly - his three rejects were the best singers, but his choices easily the most commercial.

And crucially, all three shone at the first audition, when the audience lapped them up - a good indication who TV viewers might vote for.

Less lucky was Cheryl, who will have to exploit her personal popularity to propel any of her boys through the early rounds.

Quite why she dumped either Ethan or Duane - both of whom looked capable of a least a little diversity in their singing - for two little boys in the form of Joe and Lloyd, I cannot work out.

And as for Riki, with his annoying hat, silly little Scottish accent and badly-spelt name, words fail me.

Despite her universal lack of popularity among the viewing public, Dannii was also dealt a strong hand with the girls - and her selections matched mine.

In dimwitted but charming Stacey Solomon, she's got the winner. You read it here first.

The perfect world of River Cottage

2009-09-23T14:27:37Z

WHO wouldn't want to live in Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's world?

The home-cooked food, the outdoor lifestyle, the relentless lack of awareness of society's problems - it looks like to heaven to me.

And it all made River Cottage: Gone Fishing (C4, Wed, 8pm) an utterly self-indulgent pleasure.

]]> What I love about River Cottage - make that one of the many things I love - is the way he manhandles people who would never, and possibly should never, be on TV in a million years.

Last night it was the turn of a fisherman called, appropriately, Cod, complete with his dirty yellow overalls and hands which presumably smelled of haddock.

Hugh blundered his way into Cod, and various other slightly inarticulate members of the fishing community, while looking at the very worthy topic of sustainable use of the ocean.

That what could have turned into a rather boring examination of fishing quotas etc was in fact a relentlessly entertaining - and informative - look at individuals who care about fish stocks, so do things like try and convince the British public that eating carp is a good idea.

Hugh, of course, seems to be missing the gene which creates feelings of embarrassment, so wholeheartedly joined in with activities such as flinging liquid manure into a feeding pool and clucking around a galley preparing fish stew for a crew who wouldn't have looked out of place in Deliverance.

As always, some of his cooking choices were a bit off-the-wall for me - didn't really fancy raw sea bass and wasn't convinced a gurnard should be eaten at all, however delicious Hugh pronounced it to be.

But I love the fact the essence of River Cottage is set to live in, in the form of Hugh Mark Two - his blond, curly haired son Oscar, the only eight-year-old who would get excited about tipping a bag of carp into a duck pond.

Big Brother 10 - on reflection, not the worst ever

2009-09-07T14:42:45Z

FIRST, an apology for so few blog postings over the last couple of months - a combination of a lot of late shifts + some really bad summer TV = not a lot of subject matter, to be honest.

Second, an apology for restarting on familiar ground - Big Brother.

But I think I owe it to a slow-burning series which hauled itself out of an early mire to become... well, certainly not the best, but on reflection, definitely not the worst either.

]]> No, that dubious honour still falls to the dull-as-dishwater BB4 and its nice-as-pie contestants, with the nevereverending BB8 a close runner-up (that was the one the twins should have won which went on forever and was ruined by housemates flying in and out of the house and the house next door as if in a revolving door).

Because, once the tedious likes of the oh-so-wacky Russian Angel and tedious American Cairon had gone, we were left with a genuinely interesting set of housemates whose relationships with each other mutated on an almost daily basis.

Even the new batch of five, with the obvious exception of Hira (how did she get through the auditions? But well done to BB for quite rightly twisting the eviction process to bin her before she coasted through to the final doing nothing), all added to the process - especially the BB bitch par excellence Bea.

With about 10 days to go, after the winner-who-never-was Marcus' luck finally ran out, I was convinced it was Siavash's game to lose. And sure enough, it was. His increasingly bizarre behaviour - note to future contestants: the viewers LIKE the nominations... so don't screw them up by refusing to take part, please - cost him victory.

But well done to Sophie - history shows it's not easy for girls to win (unless they used to be boys), particularly girls with enormous boobs who get into transparent relationships within days of moving in.

Sophie has BB to thank for giving us the pleasantly early opportunity to bin Kris and, immediately, boost her chances - it let her pair up with Rodrigo in what was a clearly more genuine relationship.

Fundamentally though, nice guys win Big Brother - think back, there has never been a nasty winner - and Sophie's most prominent characteristic (apart the obvious two) was her unassuming niceness.

As for the other finalists, I really couldn't see what the big fuss was about Yorkshire pudding David (are we really still rewarding stupidity? And why did he leave the house with what looked like an aeroplane seatbelt wrapped around him?).

Rodrigo was also nice, but I never had the feeling he was being quite open enough with us - loved the Queen obsession though (best quote after rowing with Charlie: "Imagine the Queen.")

And as for the preening wannabe-everyman Charlie, the greatest satisfaction on Friday night came with his face when he could only finished fourth after proudly strutting his stuff on a podium for "the housemate who is most popular with the public" a couple of days earlier.

As the annoying BBLB presenter said on Sunday morning when Sophie said she thought Charlie would win: "I think Charlie thought Charlie would win."

Best moment of the series... well, it has to involve Noirin really, who I first loved, then hated, but always appreciated. The night she stabbed Siavash in the back, what with Freddie's "you threw him to the wolves" oratory, was wonderful. The way she broke first Marcus', then Siavash's hearts in the same week with the arrival of the odious Isaac was fascinating. Oh, the irony to hear that relationship is over already. The only contender, I guess, was Kris' eviction - far earlier than he expected - but that was completely engineered by BB. It did let Freddie and Marcus stay in longer than natural selection would have allowed, though, so should be applauded.

Worst moment... Kris and Bea's treatment of Freddie, several weeks apart, was hard to stomach, though Big Brother does now seem to have a handle of potentially bullying behaviour. Am I being too cynical to suggest Isaac only agreed to appear to scupper well and truly his ex Noirin's chances of winning? She might have hung on without that. Not for long, I suspect.

So where now?

One more series of BB and I hope it's a good one. Luckily, this year, as last year, the best scenes and storylines came from the non-freaks, an important lesson to the producers.

Normal folk, like early winners Craig, Brian and Kate, were what made Big Brother. Let's have more of them for its last hurrah.

Kim Cattrall uncovers family secrets in Who Do You Think You Are?

2009-08-13T10:12:26Z

SOME genuinely moving moments - as well as some pleasingly stunning shots of Liverpool - in Who Do You Think You Are? last night.

Kim Cattrall's search for her grandad was probably the most plugged of this series, certainly in the ECHO, thanks to the Hollywood star's roots deep in Merseyside.

Once again, I was left wondering who knew genealogy could be this interesting?

]]> For all her perfect hair and skin and clothes and beautiful manners, Cattrall's origins are humbling in the extreme - her mother and two delightful aunts were brought up in shocking Toxteth poverty after their father suddenly deserted them in the 1930s.

They've clearly done well for themselves subsequently, but understandably the pain caused by being abandoned as little girls runs deep.

Unlike other WDYTYA's, which often veer down different lines of celeb's family trees to maintain the momentum, last night devoted a full hour to Cattrall's hunt for her grandfather - and it was the right decision.

It is bizarre to think just 70 years ago, someone could vanish completely from his family's lives - not just from the wife he clearly didn't want any more, but also his own mother and two sisters, including the wonderfully gossipy Edna, whose own strand of the tale was featured in the ECHO on Monday.

George Baugh seemed to be something of a rogue - sneaking onto a boat to America, being caught and deported, and then returning to Toxteth to father Cattrall's aunt Dolly.

I - along with Cattrall herself - figured this would be the start of a life of non-commitment and, presumably, unhappy failure.

How wrong we were. Instead, George seemingly wrote off his first marriage as a dead loss, legged it to Manchester, immediately bigamously married another woman and fathered another four children - the last of whom is younger than Cattrall, his half-niece.

Not only that, but it seemed a happy marriage, with days out at the seaside and eventually a family emigration to Australia.

And that was what prompted the most moving scene.

Sometimes WDYTYA can feel a little contrived, as - sensibly - most of the legwork has to be done by researchers and the celeb is then pitched in at the last second for the filming.

But Cattrall's reunion with her mother and aunts in Vancouver didn't feel rehearsed in the slightest.

And if the three older women had already been told what happened to George after he deserted them, well, they are better actresses than the Sex And The City star.

Their shock at hearing he remarried dissolved into tears when they were shown photos of his happy new life - and eventually disgust when they realised how he had simply drawn a line under them and started again.

Tantalisingly, there was a brief mention of how Cattrall's relatives have made contact with their new Australian family - but nothing about how it went.

It's a story we would love to hear about here at the ECHO.

Ugly Betty back on solid ground

2009-07-09T20:03:48Z

AFTER a slightly shaky opening, the latest season of Ugly Betty (is it the third? Fourth? The US writers' strike has a lot to answer for) was back on solid ground last night.

I know a lot of people hate it. But it's been a favourite of mine for years now; I love its cartoony feel, ridiculously over-the-top storylines and characters, and bitchy humour.

Yet despite last night's much-improved offering, I do slightly fear for its future.

]]> Last week's cliffhanger seemed to have set us up for the series - loveable pregnant dressmaker Christina, pressurised into becoming the evil Wilhemina's "Scottish womb-for-hire", was shoved down a flight of stairs by an unknown assailant.

Of course, this being Ugly Betty, just about every character was under suspicion for a variety of outlandish reasons.

So I was fully expecting another "whodunnit" storyline to form the basis of the next few weeks, a lot like the Faye Summers tale from the original series.

What I wasn't expecting was for Betty to solve the mystery in about 40 minutes flat... and it left me wondering whether the whole point was to provide a means of writing out transsexual publisher Alexis Mead, the perpetrator of the aforementioned shoving incident.

Actress Rebecca Romijn's name had been relegated from a straightforward cast member to "guest star" in the credits, which didn't bode well for her longevity.

Don't get me wrong though. Betty's path to the true murderer was pure Ugly Betty - bouncing from scheme to scheme, razor-sharp putdowns, some ludicrous leaps of logic, plenty of farce and a bit of slushy sentimentality (could have done without that bit).

How had we made it this far without knowing of the existence of the Wilhemannequin?

And why on earth did it need to be pushed down the flight of stairs to re-enact Christina's plummet?

The good news was, it left me wanting more.

Even better news, Alexis' revelation she is Daniel junior's real "father" should prompt the hasty removal of the most annoying child star seen on TV for a many a year.

Why waste screen time on him when Ugly Betty also has the best child star - the incomparably funny Justin - relegated to the odd bitchy exchange with his family members?

Big Brother's Kris ripe for eviction

2009-07-08T19:30:25Z

GOD bless Big Brother.

Just as what is comfortably the worst ever series - but just about worth watching - was turning into a procession of dull evictions, everything is turned on its head.

I normally hate any interference with the nominations process, which should be enshrined in stone... but let's face it, any chance to boot Kris kicking and screaming out of that house has to be grasped with both hands.

]]> Instead of twigging Freddie is popular and it is therefore pointless to nominate him, the horrible little Lisa-led cabal (including dimwit Charlie, hard-faced Karly, and vacuous Sophie) have hit on an easier solution - nominate him alongside someone else they don't like and whittle the other housemates away one by one.

And while Freddie has realised what they're doing, and made a vain attempt to rally some troops behind him, he's so universally reviled none of his colleagues seem to care.

So, just as it looked like Marcus should prepare for an inevitable exit on Friday, Charlie, Kris and Sophie were given a ridiculously simple punishment for discussing evictions - and failed spectacularly.

The removal of Kris on Friday is tantamount to the future of BB10.

Not only is he an obnoxious, arrogant sod, whose treatment of Freddie has at times been difficult to watch, his eviction would ramp up the paranoia among his friends - "SURELY wolfman Marcus can't be more popular than us?"

James May on the moon - or was it cloud nine?

2009-06-22T12:54:18Z

EVERY now and then, TV throws up a truly unexpected treasure, something to cherish amid the turgid flood of Britain's Got Talent and that awful Saturday night thing with Graham Norton.

James May On The Moon (Sun, BBC2, 9.05pm) was one of those - and how thankful I was I sky plussed it while ploughing on with my questionable devotion to Big Brother on the other side.

It was a quite enchanting hour of viewing which will stick long in the memory - partly because it completely changed my opinion of a presenter who I always considered nothing more than a typical Top Gear imbecile.

]]> For May's approach to this quite remarkable opportunity - going through the basics of astronaut training, flying 13 miles high in a U-2 plane and meeting three of only nine surviving men to walk on the moon - was exactly the same as mine would have been.

It was a mixture of wonder and complete, utter respect for individuals whose bravery, in a astrological sense, has yet to be repeated - and maybe never will.

May had watched the 1969 moon landing as a young boy and, like many of his generation, remembered being woken in the middle of the night by his dad to watch the live footage on TV.

We were treated to some of this footage - the very familiar images of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin taking those first steps, plus some wonderfully evocative colour footage of crowds watching the Cape Kennedy lift-off.

The astronaut training, with the exception of May's trip in the "vomit comit" to experience weightlessness, was less visual. His spin-round in a G-force machine just didn't translate to TV.

But his genuine delight at his view on top of the world in the U-2 spy plane certainly did - and it was fascinating.

"We are the two highest people in the world," he told his pilot - and no one could have put it simpler.

Big Brother stars start to emerge in Freddie and Sree

2009-06-22T11:00:54Z

QUITE a lot has happened in Big Brother since I last blogged - not a lot of it very interesting.

Sophia and Cairon have gone (right decision, public) and Saffia has walked (wrong decision, Saffia - you were potentially the star of the show, whether for the right or wrong reasons).

]]> And generally things are starting to drag a bit, with no cliques having formed and the only romance a complete dud - does anyone think Kris really fancies Sophie more than Charlie... or himself, for that matter?

But two stars are starting to emerge - Freddie, fresh from surviving two evictions, and Sree, the childlike sex pest.

The only way I can truly see either going out before the final is if they are nominated against each other, with no third choice, and I expect BB bosses to frantically cancel nominations if this appears a possibility.

My tip to go this week - Marcus, who remains my favourite despite, or maybe because of, his slightly creepy, obsessive ways.

For the same reason though, I expect him to get a bucket-load of nominations, and can't see him staying against any of the other likely candidates - except, perhaps, gobby Lisa, who seems to have a far higher opinion of herself than she has any right to.

Has Big Brother finally beaten me?

2009-06-10T20:31:02Z

BIG Brother 10 has left me asking myself a soul-searching question.

And no, it's not whether Saffia is charming and funny or, in fact, just a malicious little shrew.

It's whether, after all these years, I actually ENJOY Big Brother - or whether I'm simply refusing to be beaten.

]]> I HATE it when people sniffily pass judgement on Big Brother, as if they've never watched it. Even the most vehement critic, assuming they're below a certain age, were entranced by it at one stage - whether it was Nick's elimination in series one or Paul and Helen's simpering romance in part two.

Yes, there have been some tough moments - the even-now-inexcusably-boring series 4, the hateful decision to reinstate Nikki in series 7, the ridiculous revolving door of housemates in the stupid all-female-starting series 8.

But BB9 really restored my faith - a regularly funny, acceptably bitchy and reasonably-lengthed run eventually won by the genuinely lovely Rachel.

Now... I'm not so sure. This year's crop of housemates don't seem too inspiring so far (quite like Marcus, the Wolverine lookalike who casually admitted eating cat biscuits, and foppish Freddie, a star in the making, though), although it is early days.

And they weren't helped by the silly "non-housemates" gimmick at the start, which saw half the house sit around in stunned silence while those who had been made housemates screeched around like a pack of banshees.

The first eviction also seemed to happen with indecent haste, before we'd got a proper look at poor old Beinazhir (though her short stay seemed to consist of sitting on the settee wrapped in a brown rug, and her eviction interview was by some distance the worst ever).

So am I watching out of pleasure, or because I won't be beaten, and want to follow BB through to its much-hoped-for conclusion next year?

Watch this space. I'll tell you in two-and-a-half months time, by which time I'll be able to recite all the evictions in order.

Was My Monkey Baby no laughing matter?

2009-06-03T18:44:53Z

SOME programmes make you laugh, some repulse you.

And some, like My Monkey Baby (C4, Tue, 10pm) leave you somewhere in between.

So was it a light-hearted look at some American freaks who keep pet monkeys and treat them like young children, or an uncomfortable look at animal cruelty masquerading as love?

]]> I'm still not sure, too be honest, seeing as I got plenty of laughs from some of what was on show, but was left with a nasty taste in my mouth.

Not everyone wants a real baby apparently, so some - mainly in the southern states of the USA, it seems - buy a baby monkey instead.

They dress them in nappies and baby clothes, push them around in prams and feed them in high chairs - and best of all, they never grow up.

All three of last night's case studies had one thing in common (apart from loose screws)... all had serious child issues - the man who didn't get on with his father, the woman whose five children grew up and left her, the childless woman who lost contact with her adored step-daughters.

So monkeys took the place of real children.

It all set us up for something which, in parts, resembled those mini-documentaries in Eurotrash, when the camera followed some weirdos doing weird things - even down to the quirky, mickey-taking voiceover.

So we saw 18-year-old monkey Jessica Marie swing around the house dressed up to the nines in a frilly frock and guzzling ice cream and syrup from a spoon; and the seriously weird Mary Lynn take her baby monkey to the toy shop where he behaved appallingly.

Then, crushingly, we saw the other side of it. New "parents" Jesus and Carmen went to pick up their baby from a house in the middle of nowhere which was, quite frankly, a tip.

Having handed them a tiny morsel of a monkey which clearly should not have been taken from its mother, the breeder proceeded to take them into a dingy outhouse where a number of frantic-looking adults monkeys careered around cramped metal cages.

With their faces covered in sores, they stared at the camera with empty eyes - before the mother monkey grabbed for her baby, only succeeding in ripping the microphone off.

The baby - taken away at two weeks, when in the wild it would be with its mother for a year - clung to a soft toy in terror.

If My Monkey Baby wanted to be a searing expose in animal cruelty, it needed to go a lot further.

Because going this far meant there was no way it could just be taken for cheap laughs.