Livin' only by Grace

Issues of the mom-heart

2017-07-03T04:23:00.000+08:00

I've read somewhere that everyone's miserable. They're just good at hiding it.

I have been trying to find out why this new season seems to be a burden to me. Don't get me wrong -- I enjoy motherhood and I love my little one but something seems to be blocking my view of experiencing it joyfully.

Callie's already 10 months and everything just dawned on me -- why I was struggling, why I can't see things the way it should be, why I felt ineffective and frustrated and depressed. ~~I think I just had post-partum depression.~~ I just got back from my US business trip and I just bursted into tears a few days after while singing Jesus loves me -- as if I'm telling that to myself. I'm grateful that I have a husband who listens and understands and encourages me that I can do it!

I just realized the root cause(s) of what's going on after that incident.

I was too attached to Callie that I don't want her to leave my site when I'm with her. I know it's not bad but because of this, I'm unable to do house chores and that makes me feel ineffective. Although I try to do some of them but I felt that what I'm doing isn't enough.

I was prideful. I told myself that I can do it on my own and I don't need help from anybody. I tried to keep it all together and be composed on the outside but I was not being true to myself either.

I was selfish. I thought that giving Callie my time, my energy, even though I lack enough sleep already means that I'm selfless but it's not. I don't regret that I had a baby, she is so precious and she's our bundle of joy, but I still think about some of the things that I should have or am entitled to -- like I need to have at least 6 hours of sleep, etc -- and when I fail to do so, I subconsciously blame it on my situation.

These things aren't something that people see or even I could see immediately. These things are hidden and they pile up because they're invisible and then you'll just want to quit and not have anything to do with anyone anymore but you can't quit motherhood so you just burst into tears (glad to have a husband who listens and supports).

I just cried it all out to Jesus and admitted that I can't do it on my own... I had to surrender everything to Him. I have to accept the fact that I can't and won't be able to do it on my own. I couldn't take care of my daughter and take care of the house and my husband all at the same time, on my own. I need God's grace. I have to let go of my attachment to my little one and have faith in God that she will be okay no matter what because we have a great God. He is good and His mercy endures forever. He is more than willing to take care of my family if I let Him. These realizations helped me snap out of my current situation and it's only because He loves me and He doesn't give up on me. I am always living only by grace. His ever sufficient grace. Now I'm better and stronger than before because of God's grace.

Maturity

2014-11-05T05:47:00.000+08:00

I was reading a long-overdue-book and I bumped into this:

I have been married for almost two years now and I suddenly reminisced my late teenage years... It was in those years when God made me realize that maturity doesn't come with age... I was younger then, when I understood this very excerpt from the book Let Me Be a Woman (funny how everything He taught me is already in this book had I not stopped reading it! Indeed His humor is amazing). I started reading this way back 2007 or 2008 only to continue it now and read this now. I stopped reading it way back then because I don't have plans of getting married yet... little did I know that He will make me understand this in His own personal way. And right now, I was like, "So Lord, You must be saying, 'I told you so..' right?" haha! ...

The key to meeting your better half starts with maturity. And maturity comes from God.

To those who are still searching for their better half, don't. Don't look for him because you won't find him. Look up and ask God to prepare you when the right time comes. He knows when you are mature enough to take the next stage. Yield to Him and be humble to accept His will... then you will see your dreams come to pass...

Thoughts

2014-03-13T20:46:00.000+08:00

Exodus

Moses brought Joseph's bones out of Egypt when God freed them. Joseph made his family swear under oath that when God pays them a visit, they have to carry his bones with them. Joseph mentioned that surely, God will take them to the land He promised Abraham, Isaac & Jacob.

Maybe, Joseph's brothers tell this to their sons & daughters so even after x number of years, they are still reminded of Joseph's request. The Israelites know that the time will come when God will take them out of Egypt but maybe they just didn't believe so He needed Moses to perform the miracles, that they might know Him, trust Him and believe in Him.

Sometimes, we know what God said and what God promised us... but when it's already in front of us, it's hard to determine that God is already moving. Why? Because we are comfortable with the misery that we are in to. It dulls our senses and makes us forget the promise of God.

Be careful with where you are right now. It's not permanent. Don't lose hope. Keep the faith. God is moving.

another chapter

2013-06-27T06:07:00.001+08:00

seasons... seasons... seasons...

Another chapter... Another season...

I'm only holding on to Your Grace... I know I will get through... and soar high!

again...

2013-03-19T08:43:00.002+08:00

And yet again, this feeling lingers... I don't know if I'm lost or tired or I dunno...

But I know, soon, this will pass away..

I just have to endure...

Unexpected Provision

2012-11-13T18:25:00.000+08:00

We were accompanied by two couples a while ago to Ongpin to buy our wedding ring... We only have 5k at hand but the ring's for 8k... Ate Joy covered for the amount that we lack... but later on, she said that we dont have to pay it back! Then Ate Helen also brought her wedding gown... I tried to put it on and surprisingly, it fits me well!

I dont know what to say or think of... We were not raised to borrow from someone or ask for someone's help but God has His own way of providing for His children's needs... We may not expect it but He has His own way of hitting two birds with one stone--providing for your needs and teaching you some of His principles.

I was just humbled by this experience... Indeed, He never forgets... His promise remains!

It's my birthday and this is my heart's cry...

2012-06-18T07:53:00.000+08:00

Come like a flood
And saturate me now...
You're all I want...
Come like the wind
and sweep throughout this place...
You're all we want...

I was dreaming I was handling a CST class again then I woke up haha! It put a smile on my face... training... It's my birthday and I was dreaming of being in front of the class haha! Good thing I'm on leave tonight. I took my phone, I had 5 messages... then I checked facebook and replied to those who greeted me but for some reason, my comments didn't post... While I was browsing on facebook, I was thanking God for giving me another year... This is my 25th year and I can say, indeed, I am blessed... Blessed to have a family, few but good close friends, and a special someone who's always been there for me... I can't ask for anything more! I can't even think of a gift when RJ asked me what gift would I like... hehe but I still asked God for something...

I asked that He enlarge my territory...
That I may be the salt and the light of this world...
That He fill my barns so the blessing will flow and overflow..
That I may be a blessing...
That I may have more faith and experience more of His grace...
That my children will not beg for food...
That I may be righteous in His sight...

When was the last time I blogged?

2012-05-13T22:28:00.002+08:00

hmmmm I barely can remember...

Maybe I'm just absorbing stuff... re-learning things after unlearning it..

Later on I'll have something to blog about.

Not feeling good

2012-03-19T10:21:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I’m just really frustrated I want to be alone.

The Impoverished Ministry of Jesus

2012-02-27T16:08:00.002+08:00

Where then do You get that living water? —John 4:11

“The well is deep”— and even a great deal deeper than the Samaritan woman knew! (John 4:11). Think of the depths of human nature and human life; think of the depth of the “wells” in you. Have you been limiting, or impoverishing, the ministry of Jesus to the point that He is unable to work in your life? Suppose that you have a deep “well” of hurt and trouble inside your heart, and Jesus comes and says to you, “Let not your heart be troubled . . .” (John 14:1). Would your response be to shrug your shoulders and say, “But, Lord, the well is too deep, and even You can’t draw up quietness and comfort out of it.” Actually, that is correct. Jesus doesn’t bring anything up from the wells of human nature— He brings them down from above. We limit the Holy One of Israel by remembering only what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past, and also by saying, “Of course, I cannot expect God to do this particular thing.” The thing that approaches the very limits of His power is the very thing we as disciples of Jesus ought to believe He will do. We impoverish and weaken His ministry in us the moment we forget He is almighty. The impoverishment is in us, not in Him. We will come to Jesus for Him to be our comforter or our sympathizer, but we refrain from approaching Him as our Almighty God.

The reason some of us are such poor examples of Christianity is that we have failed to recognize that Christ is almighty. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment or surrender to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult circumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying, “Of course, He can’t do anything about this.” We struggle to reach the bottom of our own well, trying to get water for ourselves. Beware of sitting back, and saying, “It can’t be done.” You will know it can be done if you will look to Jesus. The well of your incompleteness runs deep, but make the effort to look away from yourself and to look toward Him.

-Utmost for His highest

Solid. Strong. Soaring.

2012-02-27T15:45:00.004+08:00

Take-aways from yesterday's preaching by Ptr. Jon:

You know what's necessary to connect you from your present reality to God's future promises? FAITH.

Sometimes it's hard to believe God's promises because you're consumed with your present situation. He already gave you an idea of what the future will be, hold on to it!

Be a woman of faith!

People who live by faith begins to walk differently.

Your frame of thinking will not just affect you... but the generations after you.

DON'T HOLD BACK!
BELIEVE despite responsibilities
THINK bigger and PLAN further
WALK decisively.

Faith makes you strong, solid and soaring!

need prayers...

2012-02-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

I believe that my family will be saved. That's my faith for the past years that I've gotten to know Christ. This morning, I woke up and my mom's watching preaching/sermon on TV! For the past few days, something happened to her and I pray that she'll be able to find the Truth and get to know Jesus more.

Please stand with me in prayer.

thrive...

2012-02-20T09:42:00.001+08:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
-James 1:2-3

It's sometimes hard to keep the faith when you're facing trials... But we can't do anything but to hold on and keep the FAITH because God is moving! I have to press on!

keep a journal with you...

2012-01-29T11:03:00.004+08:00

I was not feeling well early this morning (oh well, that was after midnight tonight haha) so I checked on my notes (via Microsoft OneNote; hehe I always keep a notepad with me, now it's digital, in my phone I have EverNote hehe)... The good thing about keeping a journal? You will always be reminded of something -- then it will strike you.

Here are few notes from my notebook:

Sometimes, you need to stand up when standing isn't easy -Clash of the Titans18.04.2010

There are some things you don't need to pray for but you need to act upon

27.04.2010

Faith is the flower of light in the field of darkness. It keeps me going -Book of Eli28.05.2010

You can't leave everything to fate.. . Sometimes you need to give it a hand -Ever After

03.07.2010

When good people refuse to take position, bad people take over = chaos05.07.2010

God likes to make promises and it is our task to believe His promises

24.07.2010

Answered Prayer

2012-01-18T09:40:00.001+08:00

I listed down my faith goals for this year when I joined the prayer and fasting last week. One of my faith goals is promotion. In our company, for you to be promoted, you have to meet certain requirements like 8 EEs in a 12-month period. (I know it's a jargon but EE simply means Exceed Expectation hehe). So you have to have 8 EEs (1 EE per month, not necessarily consecutive months) or so for you to be promoted from being a Process Associate to a Process Developer.

I am yet to complete the 8 EEs but when by Boss and I had our coaching session two days ago, she said she already submitted my name for the promotion! Hooooray! I'm just stunned and I really don't know what to say. I'm just but grateful that God answered my prayers even though I still need one more EE. He is indeed the God of impossibilities!

He's just amazing! You just have to believe and claim your inheritance! Indeed it is already there even before you ask =)

2011-09-27T07:40:00.001+08:00

I applied for the Trainer post few months ago and I passed... Now, the training for the Training Apprentice has started and it seems like I don't know what to do... I know I can do it... I used to handle groups before, talk in front of a lot of people with confidence and all those stuff... but now, it seems like Im incompetent... im not skilled anymore... i feel like Im on Moses' shoes... but I believe that He who began a good work in me will carry it to completion! He didn't bring me here for nothing! So please pray with me that I'll be able to find my strength and confidence in Him and that I'll be able to endure this season and see His glory revealed!

Going Through Spiritual Confusion

2011-09-12T12:19:00.002+08:00

Jesus answered and said, ’You do not know what you ask’ —Matthew 20:22

There are times in your spiritual life when there is confusion, and the way out of it is not simply to say that you should not be confused. It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand. And it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you.

The Shrouding of His Friendship (see Luke 11:5-8). Jesus gave the illustration here of a man who appears not to care for his friend. He was saying, in effect, that is how the heavenly Father will appear to you at times. You will think that He is an unkind friend, but remember?He is not. The time will come when everything will be explained. There seems to be a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller fellowship and oneness. When God appears to be completely shrouded, will you hang on with confidence in Him?

The Shadow on His Fatherhood (see Luke 11:11-13). Jesus said that there are times when your Father will appear as if He were an unnatural father?as if He were callous and indifferent— but remember, He is not. “Everyone who asks receives . . .” (Luke 11:10). If all you see is a shadow on the face of the Father right now, hang on to the fact that He will ultimately give you clear understanding and will fully justify Himself in everything that He has allowed into your life.

The Strangeness of His Faithfulness (see Luke 18:1-8). “When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:8). Will He find the kind of faith that counts on Him in spite of the confusion? Stand firm in faith, believing that what Jesus said is true, although in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you are asking of Him right now.

-Utmost for His Highest

Christ Awareness

2011-08-21T06:57:00.000+08:00

. . . and I will give you rest —Matthew 11:28

Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus Christ, turn to Him at once, asking Him to re-establish your rest. Never allow anything to remain in your life that is causing the unrest. Think of every detail of your life that is causing the disintegration as something to fight against, not as something you should allow to remain. Ask the Lord to put awareness of Himself in you, and your self-awareness will disappear. Then He will be your all in all. Beware of allowing your self-awareness to continue, because slowly but surely it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is satanic. Don’t allow yourself to say, “Well, they have just misunderstood me, and this is something over which they should be apologizing to me; I’m sure I must have this cleared up with them already.” Learn to leave others alone regarding this. Simply ask the Lord to give you Christ-awareness, and He will steady you until your completeness in Him is absolute.

A complete life is the life of a child. When I am fully conscious of my awareness of Christ, there is something wrong. It is the sick person who really knows what health is. A child of God is not aware of the will of God because he is the will of God. When we have deviated even slightly from the will of God, we begin to ask, “Lord, what is your will?” A child of God never prays to be made aware of the fact that God answers prayer, because he is so restfully certain that God always answers prayer.

If we try to overcome our self-awareness through any of our own commonsense methods, we will only serve to strengthen our self-awareness tremendously. Jesus says, “Come to Me . . . and I will give you rest,” that is, Christ-awareness will take the place of self-awareness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest— the rest of the completion of activity in our lives that is never aware of itself.

-My Utmost for His Highest

thoughts from Tinker Bell

2011-08-21T06:45:00.003+08:00

When you try to deviate from who you ought to be and what you'll become, it will result in chaos...
But if you'll just be yourself and make manifest your God-given skills, you'll be able to do beautiful and extraordinary things! Because that's what you are. That's who you are.

The Experience Must Come

2011-08-12T13:17:00.001+08:00

Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven. And Elisha . . . saw him no more —2 Kings 2:11-12

It is not wrong for you to depend on your “Elijah” for as long as God gives him to you. But remember that the time will come when he must leave and will no longer be your guide and your leader, because God does not intend for him to stay. Even the thought of that causes you to say, “I cannot continue without my ’Elijah.’ ” Yet God says you must continue.

Alone at Your “Jordan” (Kings 2:14). The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else, and where no one else can take your responsibility from you. You now have to put to the test what you learned when you were with your “Elijah.” You have been to the Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go— the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know whether or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your “Jordan” alone.

Alone at Your “Jericho” (2 Kings 2:15). Jericho represents the place where you have seen your “Elijah” do great things. Yet when you come alone to your “Jericho,” you have a strong reluctance to take the initiative and trust in God, wanting, instead, for someone else to take it for you. But if you remain true to what you learned while with your “Elijah,” you will receive a sign, as Elisha did, that God is with you.

Alone at Your “Bethel” (2 Kings 2:23). At your “Bethel” you will find yourself at your wits’ end but at the beginning of God’s wisdom. When you come to your wits’ end and feel inclined to panic— don’t! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship. Put into practice what you learned while with your “Elijah”— use his mantle and pray (see 2 Kings 2:13-14). Make a determination to trust in God, and do not even look for Elijah anymore.

-Utmost for His Highest

God's purpose or mine?

2011-07-29T11:29:00.003+08:00

He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . —Mark 6:45

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

-Utmost for His Highest

Out of the blue

2011-07-15T08:20:00.001+08:00

I was about to be transferred to a different account today... but I wasn't... i dunno why me but i was one of the selected few who were chosen to be transferred to a different account..
My friends were sad... but I asked God to spare me... and it was an answered prayer! Then my friend Kate, came towards me, hugging me, saying ang lakas mo talaga kay Lord! Pagpray mo rin ako...

On my way to the terminal, those words kept on running in my mind... then it hit me... joker ka talaga Lord! Pinakaba mo ko para lang makuha attention ni Kate? Whew

Indeed He's full of humor... He does things unexpectedly and He will even use you and put you in an inconvenient situation just to catch someone else's attention... because He also loves them as much as He loves you!

Isn't it sweet? =)

waiting... asking... searching...

2011-07-12T11:43:00.000+08:00

what to do Lord..?

I don't know what to do... I can't remain like this forever.. . What do You want me to do? Where should I go? I need to have a purpose.. . and I need to do something... What is it Lord?

empty.. .

2011-07-04T23:53:00.002+08:00

yeah.. . feelin' empty.. . but there's a good thing about it.. . my cup can be filled.. .

just have to endure..

hold on.. . just keep on holding on.. .

2011-05-25T12:20:00.000+08:00

On this day of your life, Mary-ees, we believe God wants you to know ... that God is there for you to hold on.Hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do, even if it's a long way from here. Hold on to your faith, even if it's easier to let go. Hold on to God's hand.