Living A Secret

L’histoire de l’espoir (Hope’s story)

2010-09-06T19:56:11Z

This is a very tragic story told by a survivor of how her abuse started and ended with all the inbetweens. I warn this will be a trigger to some survivors and I do not feel this is for children to read. This is a hard read but I do encourage those who can read it to do so. I know that we can all learn so much and this is yet another reason we all must stand up and say something.

Hugs to all,

Tiffani

It started when I was 6 months old. My dad started out very simple if that’s what you want to call the escalation steps to molestation. He would touch me down there as frequently as he could as many chances as he got. I know these things because he would brag about it. Saying “I’ve been training you since you were six months old.” When he changed me he told me he would blow on it and my eyes would roll back all the way. He told me he would eat me out or in other words put his mouth on my private and he said I enjoyed every minute of it. Since we lived in a busy part of France (Marseille), when my mom left for work she left early to beat the traffic. He waited until she left and he did it. He told me these things when he wanted to have a “Father-Daughter talk”. The simple molestation ended when I was 4 when he could fit his penis inside of me. But no he didn’t go straight away. He made me do other things with it before he actually made me have sex with him. Fingering, oral, and around when I was five he started using objects. Broom sticks, bottles, bamboo sticks, pens, fruits and vegatable, wires, his fist, door knobs, razor blades, kitchen utensil, golf clubs, golf balls, bats, markers, poles and many many more things were used. He also used toys but not for shoving. My dad did things to me that even in the freakiest porn circles would be categorized as taboo. And by freaky, I mean beyond the freakiest things you’ve ever seen. This went on until I moved to america. So the objects stuff went on for 3 years. I moved to America when I was 7. That’s when he started having sex with me is the most sadistic ways. The first time I had an orgasm was the first time he raped me. I didn’t understand it. It felt soo good almost unbearable to do anything but literally roll my eyes back and scream. I started cutting myself. I thought “how dare I take pleasure in my dad having sex with me? How sadistic was I?” I tryed to keep the cuts as deep as possible to teach myself a lesson to never ever take pleasure in that. But it always happened again and I just kept cutting. One day he ripped the head off my dolls and forced me to have sex. To this day I am scared to death of dolls. When I see one my heart stops. I have had my heart jumpstarted 59 times because he scared me and my heart stopped. He kept me quiet by beating the living crap out of me. The way I saw it as long as I kept quiet and no one knew I thought he would stop beating me. Fat chance of that happening. He started to bring in his buddies when I 8. When I got older and started to fight him off he started tieing me up. He let about 6 of his friends do everything he did to me. My mom always asked where and when I got the cuts and sometimes I had to think. “If I tell her will she believe me and if she doesn’t I’d be forced to feel the abuse by 2 hands or Do I not tell and wonder when my dad will finally just up and kill me.” I always choose the second one and my famous response ” A bully at school but I handled it mom.” When I was younger I had no way of hiding the bruises, cuts, and black eyes. When I was 9 I started taking my mom’s make-up and I really caked it on. When we went out to dinner with my mom’s friends my dad would be very discreet about fingering me under the table. 10 years old having an orgasm isn’t easy to explain to the religious people across the table. He always made sure we sat near a wall or in a booth. Since he had OCD people thought it was just apart of it. Whenever he got wasted I was always the main target. Things were way worse than when he was drunk. Every 3 days of the week he would invite his 6 friends over to his house and I was their sex doll. They did the shoving of items. I stopped feeling things after maybe 6 hours of screaming. They wanted me to feel pain so they’d wait until I felt it then start again. They had sex with me. Sometimes all at once. This went on for probably the whole entire day. My mom never wonderd what was going on because she was always working. So 365 days a year (’08 being a leap year). Around ’07 He started seelng my body for group sex with other people. I had finally given up. Shut out from the world. One day, I called the police but hung up as quickly as possible. I couldn’t believe what I did. At that moment he saw me with the phone and got really pissed. He started ripping my clothes off and forcing himself in me. My mom caught him then beat the living crap out of him then the police came. She looked at me with scorn in her eyes. She didn’t beleive what she saw and reassured the officers everything was ok. That same year she passed away. When I was 13 I got my boyfriend and he just joined in on my dad’s sadistic ways. He copied my dad on everything. He burned me like my dad did, he beat me like my dad did, raped me like my dad did, he attempted to kill me like my dad did. He sold me out but to his brothers for sex and of course the group sex was there. So another 2 years had passed and then I called the police again. This time things were worse than before. He beat me then ripped my clothes of and raped me. The police broke down the door and caught him in the middle of the act. So I’ve been dealing with the law for 2 years. I am pregnant with his children. I am just now starting to come to sense with what happened over the course of 14 years. I trust one person and she is my bestfriend. She has never hurt me.

Save the World! Talk about Sexual abuse!!!

2010-08-28T14:11:38Z

It occurred to me just yesterday while speaking to a random stranger about her childhood, I came to realize that you just never know who you could be influencing when you speak out about abuse. I understand that not everyone wants to talk about it, but the MORE we talk the better off we are going to be as a society! The way abuse affects one’s being/soul is beyond imaginable UNLESS you have survived it. Surviving it isn’t the easiest thing to do, BUT I KNOW YOU CAN!

Talk about it. Get it out. Speak up! Enjoy the freedom of no longer feeling ashamed when you realize you are surround by millions who are in your exact shoes.

Hugs to all!

Tiffani

ACT with Love by Russ Harris, MD

2010-08-24T13:06:23Z

I am in chapter one and so far a great read. I am really enjoying the fact that I can do this book with out my husband or with him. Travis was actually the one who picked it out, but I am reading it first…but maybe we will together? I’ll keep you posted on it. I need to do the first exercise. Quite frankly I really enjoy more of a workbook type thing. I am also doing the ACT workbook, they work well together but they aren’t sold together. If that makes any since to anyone.

Have a wonderful day.

Tifani

Life

2010-08-02T21:16:58Z

Sometimes there are moments in life that I wish just didn’t exist. The hardships and choices we are often faced with, aren’t always the easiest. I am scared for what may come, but I am excited for all that can be. I know there are things we do in life that in the moment, are the choices we know to make. However, with each day and each step we learn and grow. There are days where being a victim is all you know. There are days where you will say you are a survivor. Either way, trust your gut and learn to move forward in life. Life is what we make it. Mine as well make the best of it.

Hugs to all,

Tiffani Wampler

New Therapist?

2010-07-26T13:21:55Z

How do you feel about finding/starting a new therapist? I am super anxious about having new insurance and knowing that I have to “start all over”. Though, I only see my therapist on an as needed basis, knowing that I will have to explain the back story all over again is never any fun. Three years with the same person, who has really taught me so much then those in the past and now having to switch because of insurance just isn’t fair! Oh the anxiety of it all

My husband did propose a different way of thinking which was that maybe this new doctor will have different insights and perspectives. This could bring a whole new world to my door steps and I could learn to embrace the change!!

YES! LET’S RUN WITH THIS IDEA. LET US ALL EMBRACE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO BE AND KNOW THAT WE CAN INDEED GROW TO OUR FULL POTENTIAL!!!

Hugs to all,

Tiffani

Numb

2010-07-16T02:09:17Z

I am feeling so very numb right now. There are no words to describe how I feel, what I am feeling. Numb is as close as I can describe that the rest of the world can semi understand. My heart is broken, the tears have not stopped, and the chaos continues to circle around me. I am so very very sad, and yet the rainbow seems so very far away.

My life is forever changed.

Hugs to all.

Tiffani

Please see page on FaceBook!!!

2010-06-30T13:01:21Z

Thank you for all the kind words of encouragement and support of the years of helping others heal. I know I am on the right path! I love knowing that every day we are all making a difference by talking about our stories and sharing our experiences with others. It does help. I wish this site had existed ten years ago when I had finally talked about the abuse by my father’s hands. It is not easy to over come, in fact I don’t think I’ll ever be “totally healed” but it feels great to get to a place where loving my husband doesn’t feel like a chore.

I am so very blessed with a great husband, AMAZING children, and a great family/friends structure of support.

I have been very busy with FaceBook, please join my site there and comment as you wish. Just as this site, it is for positive feedback only and all rude comments will be deleted.

Thank you.

Hugs.

Tiffani

9 years ago…

2010-06-17T13:32:15Z

9 years ago today started my healing process when I told my sister about the abuse from my father’s hands. It wasn’t easy. I remember it very clearly. It was so insanely difficult to get the first few words out, but I must say it changed my life for the better, forever. I love that I can talk and now help other people heal. I hate that I endured the abuse, but at the same time I have the strength to survive so much more because of it.

I know it may not be easy to talk about, but I encourage everyone to begin your healing process. We will all need different forms of “therapy.” Some of us need a group to relate to, others need one person, some might completely heal just through journaling. Whatever works for you, find the strength to start today and live your life for you.

Hugs to all.

Tiffani.Wampler@livingasecret.com

KOOP Radio Interview with SafePlace and Men Rally For Change

2010-04-11T01:27:14Z

Enjoy!!!

http://www.archive.org/details/PeopleUnited-April92010

SafePlace’s Field Day 2010 – Tiffani Speaks Out

2010-04-10T21:06:19Z

April 10, 2010 (Austin, Texas) – Tiffani Wampler spoke at SafePlace’s Field Day 2010, she spoke out about her experience and why it is so important to begin the healing process and let someone know about the abuse. Click the video link below to watch her short, but moving speech that opened the day’s events.

Play Video

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