Living and Teaching in Japan

Japanese Grammar #3: Using, “Ageru,”　(あげる) to Express Doing Something for Someone

2012-02-25T13:45:00.004+09:00

“Ageru,” by itself, means “to give,” but when preceded by the –te form of another verb it can express, ‘doing something for someone.’ Find some examples below. I’ve tried to make them as clear and straightforward as possible for us beginners.

~shite ageru (~してあげる) = to do something for someone, to do someone a favor.

Present/ Future Tense
* 日本語を教えてあげる
-Nihongo o oshiete ageru.
“I will (do you a favor and) teach you Japanese.”

Past Tense
* この　パソコン　を　はなちゃん　にかって　あげた
-Kono pasokon o Hana chan ni katte ageta.
“I bought this computer for Hana chan.”

Present/Future Negative Tense
*もうあなたには何もしてあげない！
-Mou anata niwa nanimo shite agenai!
“I won’t do anything for you anymore!”

More Present/Future Examples
*ここに名前を書いてあげる (Koko ni namae o kaite ageru)
“I will write my name here for you!”

*朝６時に起こしてあげる (Asa rokuji ni okoshite ageru.)
“I will wake you up tomorrow at six.”

*息子にお弁当を作ってあげる (Musuko ni obentou o tsukutte ageru.)
“I will make lunch for my son.”

Okay, so I’ve done something for you, I’ve taught you something, now it’s time for you to return the favor. You can do one or two or three of three things: carefully consider clicking on one of my ads, ‘like’ me on facebook, or ‘follow’ me on blogspot. I know you’ll do the right thing.

Edo Period Japanese Fart Art

2012-02-23T22:29:00.001+09:00

A friend passed these along to me so, in turn, I'm passing them along to me too.

Japanese Fart Scrolls

Pretty weird - I'd almost say funny but it's almost too weird - almost.

What?

Another English Lesson with an Animated Video on youtube

2012-02-22T14:17:00.004+09:00

In one of my textbooks for junior high school, there is a story called, “The Hungry Lion.” In my video, the story is told by a tiger girl.

There are two versions: one for listening and one with pauses in between sentences so the students can try to repeat what the tiger girl says.

Listening

Repeating

Aside from the related pages in the textbook (New Horizon: English Course 1), I’m making a worksheet with an easy listening quiz. Ideally, the students will follow along on the worksheet with what tiger girl is saying, and, ideally, when a key word comes up, to which I will have given them two options, from between which, they will ideally circle the correct one – ideally. Most likely what will actually happen is that the good students will remember the key words and circle them before ever watching the movie and the bad students will crack jokes about the video and say it’s stupid and say, ‘I don’t understand the worksheet.’ in a snotty tone without even taking a second glance at it. Ideally, I would be able to give out afterschool detention and slap the students across the cheek – face-cheek for the boys and ass-cheek for the girls - ideally.

Japanese Bureaucracy: An Example

2012-02-20T09:04:00.003+09:00

The thing about Japanese bureaucracy is that they never come out and say anything directly. They try so hard not to say anything you don’t want to hear that they manage to break bad news or a strict rule to you without really ever mentioning it at all. An example may go something like this:

First the powers that be lay out your options for you: for brevity’s sake, let’s call them Option A, Option B, and Option C. Of course, in any bureaucracy, there is always a preferred way of doing things, or an option that will be most beneficial to people other than you – let’s say, in this case, that option is Option A.

After laying out your options for you, the powers that be, which, again for brevity’s sake, I will hitherto refer to as Powers, will give you time to consider the options, secretly hoping you choose Option A of your own accord, thus avoiding all confrontation. This is the main goal of any self respecting bureaucracy in Japan: avoid confrontation at all costs. After all, it can be uncomfortable and downright unseemly at times.

Well, unfortunately for everyone involved, you prefer Option C to Option B, and Option B to Option A, which would mean Option A is your last choice. This is going to get sticky.

So, as it is with any decision making process, you enter a fact-gathering stage, in which you try to learn as much as possible about your options as possible, possible, possible. So you go into Powers’ office, and after exchanging pleasantries, you say, “What’s the deal with Option C? It sounds pretty cool.” but perhaps using much more pleasant language.

Powers looks down at the desk and shuffles a few papers around nervously. “Well, let’s see, Option C, is it? Hmmm… I don’t seem to have any information about Option C on hand. Have you gotten all the information about Option A? It’s really the most popular option.” After this first meeting you are left with no detectable information other than that Powers would prefer you choose Option A. But, as I said, this is your last choice, and it seems very unpleasant for you.

When Powers and the other powers realize it’s going to take a little facilitating to get you to choose Option A, they begin to systematically remove your options. A little while after your first meeting, they tell you Option C isn’t going to be possible any longer. And when I say ‘they “tell” you,’ I don’t mean they do so directly, of course – that would be absurd - instead they take whatever round-a-bout, back-channel ways they can so as not to do anything directly, directly.

So, having your favorite option taken off the table, you take another look at Option B and notice there are some factors that would make Option B quite acceptable to you as well. You do have a few questions, however, so you go back to Powers’ office.

“Hi, how are ya? How’s the wife and kids? Have they left you due to your cold, impersonal, and detached demeanor yet? No, well, OK then. Anyway, I had some questions about Option B…”

Powers doesn’t look well at all. Is that panic you see on his face as his eyes dart recklessly about looking for a response that would appease you without giving you what you want? “Err well, you see, the thing is” Powers says in a very official tone, “Yes, well, right now, you see- err- can you excuse me for a moment?”

As you wait for his return, you begin to wonder if there is anything anyone can ever tell you without deflecting the question and glossing over the answer completely. After a few minutes Powers returns with Assistant. Whether it’s a coincidence or not, you can’t help noticing Assistant is quite attractive. This is, of course, not always the case, but I would like it to be.

“Hello, Mr. Underling, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I understand you want some information about Option B?” she says.

“Yes, hi, um thank you. Well, yes, um - Actually…” You are a bit flustered as your eyes haven’t quite finished their quite involuntary once over her parts. “Originally, um, I was more interested in Option C. But, but I guess that’s not going to er- work out. Ahem. The pleasure is all mine, by the way. Ahem.” you say, as you can see, nervously clearing your throat.

“Oh, I see.” Assistant says, shooting Powers a sidelong glance, which he averts his eyes from. Assistant continues, very professionally I might add, which you find partly sexy and partly intimidating I might also add. “We are very sorry about that and will never speak of it again due to it being far too direct.” she says. “So now let’s discuss Option B. While I can’t give you any exact details, of course – that would be too easy and helpful and direct as well - I can tell you that Option A is quite clearly the best option for you. Most people in your position usually go that direction. Yes, Option A is very popular.” She looks at you with a challenge written in the corners of her mouth.

At this point you realize there was only one “option” to begin with, and as you would much rather avoid an unpleasant confrontation as well, you resign yourself to their will in, well, resignation. “Ahem, I see,” you say, before inexplicably thanking them and backing toward the door, bowing as you go. Bowing as you a go-go.

Of course you could have gotten angry – you could have expressed your distaste for the way they handled things – you could have jumped up on the desk and frantically sharpened all his pencils in an absurd outburst of some kind – but it wouldn’t have helped. It wouldn’t change anything. Due to mob mentality, backwards Japanese bureaucracy will continue to bang down the nails that stick out long after global warming actually becomes a real thing.

*This has just been one example, which by no means captures all of the subtle, and not so subtle, nuances of the indirect, avoid-confrontation-at-all-costs, Japanese way of doing things.

Public Service Messages

2012-02-15T19:41:00.006+09:00

If you read my earlier post, Smoking in Japan, you know I have taken some strange interest in a series of 'smoking etiquette' signs that are posted on ashtrays throughout Japan. Well, while waiting for a bus at the Hiroshima Bus Center the other day, I hit the mother-load in a poster I found in a smoking cubicle on the departure platform.

Some of them are about just plain littering as well, but I still love them. Some of the language and diagrams are priceless. Let's look a little closer.

First, here are two seasonal messages.

Watch out for the winter coat "bump" domino effect.

I think this next one is a campaign by the portable ashtray guys.

And I don't think this next diagram would work without the owl.

Step 1: sneak. Step 2: dump tobacco.

When I litter, I always aim for the head. It's funnier that way.

So unnecessary. But that's what happens when you can't find one single damn trashcan in the city.

The last one is another "how to" guide.

Step 1: walk down the main street. Step 2: turn. Step 3: toss away the trash into the blind spot.

Okay. Good stuff. Back to work.

Japanese Qualities

2012-02-11T12:09:00.002+09:00

Perseverance: They can put up with a lot without complaining. Ungodly temperatures in schools, for instance. And when the situation calls for it, as it seems to do quite often, people can stand up perfectly straight with their hands at their sides for hours on end without fidgeting.

Prosperity: I think the U.S. could learn a thing or two from their economy model. If the government made it mandatory for there to be a man waving a flag and bowing by any roadside construction there wouldn’t be nearly as many drug dealers on welfare.

Imagination: You have to admire their culinary imagination. They have taken beans and rice and invented one-hundred and one ways to prepare each of them.

Vision: Despite their low budgets for daytime television, they’ve managed to make a number of dramas that are just as poorly written and contrived as ours’ are.

Integrity: If they can take a questionable restaurant chain like McDonald’s and turn it into an almost respectable establishment, there must be an injection of integrity somewhere on the assembly line the beef rides into your mouth.

Two Firsts: Origami and Nabe

2012-02-07T20:49:00.004+09:00

Origami: With the help of some of my Elementary School students and a detailed diagram, I (nearly all by myself) made my first origami (aside from a few cranes I had girls help me make from event flyers in the bar) the other day in English Club. It's supposed to be a mokuba, or wooden toy horse, or a rocking horse, but it has other meanings as well.

木馬 = もくば = mokuba

1: wooden horse; rocking horse;
2: vaulting horse; horse used in gymnastics;
3: the horse (ancient torture device that one was forced to straddle with rocks hanging from the feet)

It's tail and ears didn't turn out quite as nice as the one in the diagram.

Nabe: Nabe ( 鍋 ) is the word for 'saucepan,' or 'pot,' but there is a certain style of stew, or Japanese steamboat dish, that is also referred to simply as 'nabe.' Recently, I made nabe in my apartment for the first time. (When I say "I" I mean a few Japanese friends I had over for dinner.)

This picture was taken the morning after the dinner party. It's common to simply reheat the vegetables in the morning for breakfast. This dish is especially popular in winter. Eating from a shared pot in this way is an important part of Japanese culture, believed to make for closer relationships.

Nabe o kakomu (鍋を囲む, "sitting around the pot")

Japanese Mythology - The Birth of Japan

2012-02-04T16:49:00.008+09:00

So it was Izanagi and and his younger sister, Izanami, who gave birth to the islands of Japan. To help them with this little chore, they were given the Heavenly Jeweled Spear, named Ame no Nuboko. They went to the bridge between heaven and earth and churned the sea with said awesome spear. Drops of salty water formed the island, Onogoro, and they made their home on the island. Eventually, their brotherly and sisterly love escalated into a more natural, visceral love and they wanted to make whoopie. They constructed a giant pillar called, Amenomihashira, for some reason and built a love hotel around it.

Izanagi and Izanami, in some weird sense of foreplay, circled the pillar in opposite directions, deciding that when they met on the other side they would consummate their incestuous love. From this encounter they birthed two children, Hiruko ("leech child") and Awashima ("pale island"). As you can perhaps guess from their names, the children were a bit of a disappointment. Izanagi and Izanami put them into a boat and sent them to sea.

They called the gods on their keitei (accumulating charges outside of Softbank's white plan) and asked them what they had done to deserve such inferior offspring. “Is it because we’re brother and sister?” asked Izanagi. “Was it the crack I smoked during the pregnancy?” asked Izanami.

“No, it wasn’t the crack.” they answered. “It wasn't even the incest - though they could have been contributing factors. No, we’re pretty sure the main reason is that when you met on the opposite side of the pillar, it was because Izanami spoke first, and the birth defects occurred because a woman should never speak prior to a man.”

Izanagi and Izanami went around the pillar again, and this time Izanagi spoke first (“Fancy meeting you here.”) and their union was successful. They bore eight offspring, who later became the eight great islands of Japan.

Note that, Hokkaidou, Chishima, and Okinawa, not being a part of Japan in ancient times, were not among Izanagi and Izanami's offspring and that their parentage remains a mystery. If you have any knowledge concerning the whereabouts of one or more of their parents, please notify a member of the National Diet. Thousands of years in child support come to quite a hefty sum.

Giving Directions Class

2012-01-30T08:55:00.000+09:00

I made a short video for giving directions in English to show my 3rd Year Junior High School students. If anyone would like to use it in class there will be no copyright infringement. Enjoy!

It was a big joke in my class that it took me 2 hours to make and it's only 40 seconds long. Feel free to take credit and use this joke as well as the video.

It may be good to link the video to some sort of listening quiz for the students.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wuB9V36ZD0&context=C38d0bbcADOEgsToPDskIXVz948Qikt_wxtxY1eVR9

Kanji of the Year

2012-01-23T11:42:00.003+09:00

This is a link to my friend's blog. She wrote an interesting and informative piece about the kanji of the year and cultural differences. Lots of food for thought here. I just read it and I'm full. I wish I could take a nice after-meal nap but, unfortunately, it's only 4rth period.

http://www.foxbells.blogspot.com/

My Feet in My Mouth #2

2012-01-20T11:19:00.005+09:00

My Japanese has been improving, at least in that the words in my pathetically small vocabulary come out a lot faster now. Perhaps the increase in speed is the reason while my tongue has been slipping so much of late.

1. When finishing up at one of my favorite restaurants, I said to the waitress, “Thank you. The curry was fun.” (Tanoshikatta.) I immediately tried to correct myself and said, “It was happy.” (Ureshikatta.) Of course the word I was looking for was “delicious,” (Oishikatta.), but it took me three tries to get there.

2. I commented on a photo of me on facebook, saying I look like a “germ” or “virus”, (byoukin) I meant to say I look like a sick person (byounin). How embarrassing. It’s so humiliating trying to learn a new language.

3. After giving a massage to a nurse with a sore neck for a few minutes my hands began to cramp up. I stopped to rub my hands saying, “Ashi ga ittai.” That means, “My feet hurt.”

4. In happier news, two words I always had pronounced identically, “kawaii” (cute), and “kowai” (scary), I have finally been able to master. Unfortunately, I had to call a lot of girls “scary” before getting it down.

5. I was making stir fry with a girl (you don”t know her - she’s from a different school) and I referred to the beef (gyuuniku) as milk (gyuunyuu). I don’t know why, but she was surprised I wanted to put milk in the frying pan.

6. Lastly, just after eating the stir fry, I repeated an earlier embarrassing Freudian slip. Again, I said, “Onaka ga oppai.”, or “My stomach is a boob.” If I had said what I intended to say it would have looked like this, “Onaka ga ippai.”, or, “My stomach is full.” Honestly, I’m surprised it’s only the second time I've made this mistake.

More Likes and Dislikes

2012-01-17T12:31:00.007+09:00

Like: Sleeping in public. People are so conscientious that they give you your privacy even in public. It’s common to see people sleeping on buses and trains, diners, park benches, McDonald’s, or just about anywhere. It's perfectly acceptable and I take full advantage. Why it is frowned on in America, I have no idea. I dozed off once in a train station in Philadelphia and a cop woke me up and harassed me, asking me if I was on heroin. I admit I wasn't wearing my most respectable outift (ripped jeans and a hoodie), but why can't a guy get a little shut eye while waiting for a train?

Dislike: Climate control in buildings and houses. There is a serious lack of insulation in buildings in Japan. Houses and buildings do not keep out the weather or keep in the heat or air conditioning. People suffer through uncomfortable temperatures in resignation. At times it gets so cold that all the kotatsu, electric blankets and heated toilet seats and electric carpets in the world couldn’t make you comfortable.

Like: Strawberries. Strawberries in Japan are healthy, ripe and delicious. Unfortunately their price reflects their delicious-ness.

Dislike: The dark, solid, angry lines between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. In the West they seem to be a little softer and ambiguous, allowing for individual tastes and behaviors.

Like: Foods. While I dislike many of the recipes in Japan’s cookbook, and most of all the overall lack of variety (it’s all Japanese food!), there are also a variety of foods here in Japan that I wish were available in the U.S. – mainly snacks. Even in convenient stores there are a plethora of choices when looking for pastries and other sweet breads. Onigiri, okonomiyaki, chahan, yaki soba, and cheap, fresh and delicious sushi are also some foods that would be missed.

Dislike: Kanji. While I have been studying them religiously, and have perhaps memorized one-hundred or so, I still strongly dislike kanji. Of the many common and simple kanji I have learned, there are sometimes as many as six, or even ten, pronunciations of the same kanji that I, knowing only one or two, won't understand.

Cultural Immersion

2012-01-11T12:12:00.007+09:00

Immersing yourself in another culture is like slipping into a dream: the world is real but not real; impossible things happen as if they were nothing out of the ordinary, and you begin to accept them just as you so readily accept even the most bizarre of dreams when you’re in them; to go back to your own culture would be to wake up.

Immersing yourself in another culture is also a lot like adopting another social group’s set of values, and it can be a long, painful process. It’s also a lot like scuba diving – you shouldn’t go too deep too fast. And coming up out of deep sea people get the bends which could be compared to reverse-culture-shock. You can imagine the rest of the metaphor for yourself. (What will sharks represent I wonder?)

Here’s a little CM (that means ‘commercial’ in Japanese) for cultural immersion:

When you immerse yourself in another culture you gain a greater understanding of the world and develop a global perspective. Doesn’t that sound fantastic?

Mark Twain said, ‘Travel is fatal to prejudice.’ So that means you’ll become not-racist, or, if you are already not-racist, you will become even more not-racist.

Cultural immersion breaks down cultural boundaries. “What the hell does that mean?” you ask? Well, by understanding peoples’ differences you can discover new approaches to relating to other human beings.

I know this all sounds like a bunch of high-fullutant talk but I suppose some of it’s true - on a modest scale. I think the change a person will actually experience is subtle, even sub-conscious. The main change will be that they will talk about cultural differences and global understanding and all this other high-fullutant crap all of the time. They may even write a blog post that begins much like this one.

Japanese Idioms #2

2012-01-08T03:24:00.007+09:00

I like learning idioms because they allow you to express big ideas with minimal effort. And, of course, they make you look smart. Here are a few more I've come across:

胸が一杯. Mune ga ippai.

The literal meaning: Chest is full.

The English equivalent: Overwhelmed with emotion, or pregnant with feelings, or just really, really, something with something.

花より団子. Hana yori dango.

The meaning: Dumplings over flowers.

The English: Practical over aesthetics, or function over form, or, I don’t know – you get the idea.

目糞鼻糞を笑う. Mekuso hanakuso o warau.

Translation: Eye gunk laughs at boogers.

Eego: The pot calling the kettle back.

(This is my personal favorite - I can’t wait for the chance to use it.)

猫に小判. Neko ni koban.

Them: Give gold coins to a cat.

Us: Cast pearls before swine.

I had to check my dictionary, but I actually had a chance to use this last one. I was at a fancy steak restaurant in Kobe on New Year’s Eve, celebrating the planet’s survival of another year by ordering a 10,000 yen (120 dollar) plate of Kobe beef, when the rich, super model I was with commented on a family of five, with their boys still in elementary school, who were leaving the restaurant. She was surprised that parents would shell out so many pesos for a four, a seven, and a twelve year old or however old they were.

I saw my chance and I frantically flipped to the program on my smart technology thingy and looked for the desired idiom. Just as the moment was about to pass, and my window of opportunity close shut, which, if missed, could have meant months of waiting for such another perfectly appropriate moment, I found it.

“Neko ni koban.” I said triumphantly. The rich, supermodel I was with giggled and flashed me a smile that told me that once we got back to the super expensive penthouse suite at that really rich-people hotel they have there, I would be getting lucky. I’m a gentleman - I won’t get too graphic, let’s just say I had someone to kiss at midnight when the clocks were reset and 2012 officially began – someone totally hot and sexy and rich and totally real and completely not in my imagination or exaggerated in any way.

Word of the Day #15

2012-01-06T10:14:00.002+09:00

For today’s word I’m going to throw in three for the price of one. Just click on one of my ads and we’ll call it even.

Japanese love their onomatopoeia – they have no less than three to describe different states of drunkenness. I suppose the consensus is that they are the sounds that echo in your head depending upon how much alcohol you’ve ingested. One might draw the conclusion from this that they love their saké almost as much as they love onomatopoeia.

furafura: tipsy, as in, “I’m a little tipsy.”

beronberon: smashed, as in, “I’m smashed.”

gudenguden: trashed, as in, “I already threw up – I’m trashed.”

This last one would look something like this in formal Japanese:

“Mou ribaasu shimashita. Watashi wa gudenguden desu.”

I am indeed in a generous mood – I’ve thrown in a fourth word for no extra charge:

ribaasu = reverse = throw up

Japanese Grammar #2: Verb Tenses: Informal Past Indicative and Past Presumptive Tenses

2012-01-03T21:19:00.005+09:00

Verb tenses in Japanese are very different from those of English or any of the Romance languages. At first they are very confusing but they are very easy once you familiarize yourself with them (or so I’ve been told). I am still not quite on a first name basis with many of them. These are just some of the ones I’ve been working on.

Informal Past Indicative forms – Positive and Negative

“They lived - they ate – they went – they drank – they died.”

Verb - Kanji	Verb - Romaji	Informal/Past/Positive	Informal/Past/Negative
生きる	ikiru	ikita	ikinakatta
食べる	taberu	tabeta	tabenakatta
行く	iku	itta	ikanakatta
飲む	nomu	nonda	nomanakatta
死ぬ	shinu	shinda	shinanakatta

Unlike those of the Romance languages the conjugations do not change depending on who is doing the action. So “I died. / He died. / She died. / They died. / We died. / Jim died. / The doctors died.” are all conjugated as “Shinda.” I guess this is why it can be argued that it is easier than in other languages.

Converting from the Informal Past Indicative form to both the Informal and Formal Past Presumptive form is an easy transition. Just simply add “darou,” at the end.

Verb - Kanji	Verb – Romaji	Formal/Past Presumptive/Pos.	Formal/Past Presumptive/Neg.
生きる	ikiru	ikita darou	ikinakatta darou
食べる	taberu	tabeta darou	tabenakatta darou
行く	iku	itta darou	ikanakatta darou
飲む	nomu	nonda darou	nomanakatta darou
死ぬ	shinu	shinda darou	shinanakatta darou

These can be translated as: I/He/She/They/We/Jim/The doctors died (or whatever), didn’t they?

And to switch it to the Formal form just simply substitute “darou,” with “deshou,” as in the following example. “Anata wa shinda deshou.” (You died, sir, didn’t you?)

That concludes the lesson. Stay tuned for more wondrous journeys into the magical world of Nihongo.

The New Year

2012-01-03T02:11:00.004+09:00

I thought I'd try something different for the first post of the new year - I thought I'd try writing a simple status-update. A little self-indulgent, I know, but I have nothing else to write about at the moment. I will try to limit myself to as few words as possible.

I'm still doing what I've been doing since I've been here - teaching in junior high schools and elementary schools and the occasional kindergarten in the Japanese public school system. I still can't say I enjoy the work; it's not easy being the only non-Japanese in the building with hundreds of critical, slanted eyes on you at all times.

I've been here for a little over two years now, and while my Japanese is improving, I am still not at the conversational level. I was recently told by a Russian woman that it takes three years to be able to speak the language, so you can imagine that I am anxiously looking forward to September when I will miraculously be able to fluently and eloquently conversate with the locals on a variety of topics.

Although I'm strictly opposed to new years resolutions on the grounds of some undefined principle, I couldn't help to think about what mine would be if I weren't so strictly opposed. My purely theoretical New Years Resolution is this: try to stop hating all the new JETs and foreigners that keep showing up in my town uninvited - that and to start jogging. I can't imagine doing very well with either of them.

I also want a new tattoo. But don't worry Mom, I probably won't follow through.

Parking in Japan : 駐車 : ちゅうしゃ

2011-12-30T13:23:00.003+09:00

Why is it that everyone always back into parking spots in Japan? It is one of those mysterious cultural differences that will perhaps never be explained. My theory is that people in Japan are always thinking about the next thing on their busy schedules, whereas Americans only think about what is immediately in front of them.

You'll notice my little silver Suzuki Alto just refuses to conform.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T14:36:00.002+09:00

la la la la - la la la la
Happy Birthday Dear Jesus - Happy Birthday to you!

For he's a jolly good fellow - which nobody can deny!

Dear Jesus,

Say 'Sup?' to Santa for me. Please tell him all I want for Christmas is the second coming of You.

Your friend,

Pete
XOXO

PS: Here is a very interesting blog post about the Japanese legend of the time Jesus came to Japan.

Corporal Punishment in Japanese Schools

2011-12-21T13:37:00.010+09:00

Lately I’ve been reconsidering my position on corporal punishment in schools. Last week one of my teachers let loose on one of the little bastards. It made me so happy. He got right in the little prick’s face and screamed at him, and when the boy tried to act like it was all a big joke, he actually hit the kid. This type of punishment is accepted – perhaps because there is no after school detention.

A few days later in my seventh grade class:

First I walked up to her desk calmly, picked up the little tower of erasers and other school supplies, glared at her icily, and dropped it on the floor. I considered the matter settled and went to wrangle up some of the other children that were running around or otherwise disturbing the peace. But apparently she was not impressed and when I turned back to the front of the class I saw that she had already begun to rebuild her tower of school supplies – I went to DEFCON 1.

I really gave it to her. I paced over and flung all the crap off her desk with a violent sweep of the arm and proceeded to curse her off, quite literally I’m afraid - I must have dropped no less than fifteen F-bombs.

“What the fuck are you doing?! How many fuckin’ times do I have to tell you?! Are you fucking stupid?! You act like a fuckin’ child! It’s not fucking funny! You think I’m fuckin’ joking?! Shut the FUCK up!”

She started to say “Okay okay.” like in a ‘that’s-enough’ tone and I said, “No, it’s not fuckin’ okay! It’s not fuckin’ okay.” Then I threw in a loud “BAKA!” right in her face for good measure. The girl behind her who she is always talking to began to giggle so I laid into her as well: “What the fuck are you laughing at?” I picked up her notebook just to slam it back down on her desk again (I admit not my strongest move) and continued, “It’s not fucking funny! This shit is fuckin’ ridiculous!”

Now I’ve seen Japanese teachers scream their heads off at students and then a second later go on teaching and cracking jokes as if nothing happened, but it took me some time to wind down. I left the classroom immediately after my rant and then went for a drive, smoking cigarettes and drinking an energy drink and getting out of my car to do some angry muttering whilst pacing for twenty minutes or so.

I don’t know whether to expect results or consequences. Either way I don’t regret it – it had to be done. Perhaps I could have done it with a little less swearing but what can I do? - I talk like a sailor when I’m pissed. Besides they have no real concept of curse words, and it’s not like they understood anything I said. And much like most of the things I do at school, this incident will most likely neither have results nor consequences.

*For the long version of this tale see this page.
**And for another tale of gaijin disciplinary action in Japanese schools see Andrews's page. He sounds a whole lot cooler than me - whereas I yelled at a 13 year-old girl, he did a judo move on a 15 year-old boy who was bigger than him. I, for one, think he did the right thing.

English Grammar in Dangerous Hands #4

2011-12-19T18:48:00.000+09:00

Yet another installment.

Let's take some pictures as mementos of today. Great advice.

This is the motto of MOS Burger, a popular Japanese style hamburger chain. I enjoy a hamburger as much as the next guy, you might even say that I "love" hamburgers, but to say that "hamburger is my life," may be a tad too far.

I have enough shirts with weird English for the moment so I've started taking pictures of ones still hanging on the rack while shopping.

It's so true. Everyone knows the only road to geometry leads through community college.

Dream Universe Exploration Vision. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - all of those things sound nice.

But the winner of the T-shirt contest this month is a shirt one of my students was wearing under his uniform. He was a little embarrassed when I gave him one possible interpretation.

Spunk Pays! I think he will be more careful when buying shirts with English on them in the future.

Comic Strip English Lesson

2011-12-17T18:38:00.007+09:00

I made up some comic strips for the students to make. Here are the three examples I made just to give them an idea. There are three options the students can choose from.

The first one I made is two women talking on the phone.

I tried to make them as easy as possible.

The second one is the cute cartoony one.

A lot of this vocab is right out of their textbook so it should be very easy to understand.

For the last one I left the characters out so the students could draw in their own. This is the second one I drew because the first illustrations were just awful.

This one may be a bit sexist, but I wanted to see if they had the same jokes about women driving in Japan or if it's exclusively the rest of the world.

I have as of yet to introduce this lesson to the class so I am not sure if they do or not yet.

One Year Anniversary Post

2011-12-14T10:03:00.001+09:00

I made my first post on this day last year. Thanks to all my readers. You have helped me stay motivated.

In one year I’ve managed to write over 100 posts and am able to boast over 10,000 page views – it’s almost as if I’ve accomplished something with my writing.

And since monetizing my account a few months ago I am happy to report that I have earned 2 dollars and 74 cents. I’ve done the math, and I should be able to buy a McDonalds value meal sometime in the summer.

Also, I would just like to make note of the fact that the company I used to work for here in Japan has an advertisement on my page - very ironic or something or other.

Santa Claus Duty

2011-12-13T13:15:00.006+09:00

I was Santa Claus at two kindergartens this week. I hadn’t been looking forward to it – the responsibility loomed over me like a rain cloud all weekend long. As for my performance, all I can say is that I survived.

The kids were adorable of course, singing and dancing to Christmas songs, all wearing little elf-like hats they made out of construction paper, but I was not in the mood to dance around like a fool shouting, “Ho Ho Ho!” laughing jovially, in fact, I rarely am in such a mood. I felt ridiculous in the oversized costume and obviously fake, itchy beard and rain boots the schools provided.

After my grand entrance some of the students asked me questions they had prepared for “Santa-san.” The questions were mostly what you might expect: Where do you live? Who makes the toys? How do you travel all over the world? etc. But some were quite original. I was not expecting to be asked, for instance, what my favorite car was, or if I had a girlfriend, so hadn’t prepared answers.

Santa is of course married to Mrs. Claus and is faithful so he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but as for his favorite car…. “Umm…. A big tractor.” I replied. I really could have said anything because the students didn’t understand a word and the teacher “translating” was mostly just making it up as she went along.

The last difficult question I faced was, of course, what were the names of the reindeer.

My reply got a laugh from the teachers: “Umm… There’s Rudolph, of course…. And Donner and Blitzen…" This is where my memory failed me. "Then there’s Steve, Joe, and Mary.” I said.

Love Hotels

2011-12-12T19:57:00.003+09:00

"Love Hotels" are everywhere in Japan. And much like motels back home, they seem to be specifically designed for affairs and promiscuous sex - but in Japan the seediness is taken to all new heights. Aside from the basic necessities - king-sized bed, fully loaded entertainment system with karaoke machine, video games, and free movies (both dirty and otherwise), and hot tub built for two with view of a waterproof TV built into the wall - a number of bonus goods are made available (for a nominal fee, of course).

There are vending machines right in the room, fully loaded with toys for big boys and girls.

And there is also a wide array of rental goods.

There's high quality shampoo - very luxurious.

Extra pillows and blankets - very practical.

Thermometers and other health supplies... Okay, I guess safety first and all that.

But now for the fun stuff.

Obviously for members everything is cheaper.

Of course, the student uniform is big in Japan.

And I suppose there are some Japanese guys that have a thing for American girls.

The nurse outfit is always a classic.

But out of the dozen or so choices this was my personal favorite - Arabian Nights.

Love hotels are the paradigm of discretion. You don't have to be seen at a troublesome reception desk nor do you have to see the waiter that brings room service - they simply slide it though a window by the door.

And of course, no visit to a love hotel would be complete without getting a souvenir lighter.

*On a personal note, I would just like to say that, I am not having an affair, and that I only went to such a seedy, disgraceful establishment for sociological purposes (whatever that means - I don't even know if that's a thing).