Habits assist us by allowing our awareness to be free from what we are not interested in (at the moment).

• We don’t need to think about how we walk to get up and go for a walk.
• We don’t need to be concerned about grammatical correctness while greeting a friend.
• Not having to worry about co-ordinating accelerator and clutch enables us to focus on the traffic.

 
Developing Habits

Is there a number of repetitions that will establish a habit?
There are various numbers quoted about how many repetitions you need to establish a habit. None of them are particularly well founded from what I can find. But they probably help to set an achievable goal and at least get you started, so I don’t think they do any harm.

The habits we want to develop are so diverse and various that it would be very surprising if the same number of repetitions worked for every one. And my guess is that some people will find it easier to develop a habit in one area than another.

 
So is there any guidance on how to develop habits?
Here is my guess: As much as possible do one thing.

The more you are practising to do just one thing the easier it will be for it to become automatic. Try to make the behaviour you want to be a habit as simple as possible. Try to eliminate or make the same any other behaviour or part of the environment.

If you want to make a habit of going for a walk each day, this will mean things like:

• Doing it at the same time
• Dressing in the same kinds of clothes (if you want to be in different clothing)
• Perhaps walking the same route
• Having one or more triggers or cues as you get near the time
• Walking with the same people (or no one)
• Having an enjoyable warm up routine to do

If you wish to establish a habit to eat more healthily, a good habit might be making a shopping list to help avoid impulse buys. It would help to make this a habit if,

• You made it at the same time each week
• Sat (or stood) in the same position, in the same place to make it
• Used the same kinds of pen and paper or iphone or whatever
• Thinking about the healthy foods you like as soon as you sit down to make the list

Doing only one thing will make it easier to establish the habit.

 
Reminders: a way to use habits for authenticity
A habit is done without much awareness and authenticity requires awareness (of both ourselves and our situation).

The way to use habits for authenticity is to not make authenticity a habit (which can’t be done) but to have habitual reminders to check in with ourselves and our situation. For instance:

• Checking with our stomach before we eat
• The old advice of counting to ten before we give an angry answer
• Checking for understanding of each point when teaching
• Checking we have understood the other person’s point of view when having an argument
• Perhaps taking a few moments at the beginning of the day to survey what we want to do.

If we remind ourselves to check in with ourselves and our situation we will likely be able to modify what we do to fit better with who we are. We will, gradually, step by step, build a more satisfying life.

Useful links on habits:
Healthy Habits
Habit Spark
There is also a good series of 31 posts on how to develop a habit on Stacy’s Grow with Stacy starting here.

Coming soon: an email course of forty reminders for authenticity. Just a couple of sentences or brief paragraph delivered to your email inbox each day. Introductory price $17US, stay tuned, Evan.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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• The shape of the car, then its colour, fuel economy, environmental consequences and so on.
• The size of type the timetable is printed in, how it is arranged, where the stations we want are and so on.

‘Multi-tasking’ isn’t usually doing two or more things at once – it is usually switching rapidly between things.

 
The World is Big: using ignoring and auto-pilot to cope.

Ignoring
However it is our awareness that is focused on one thing at a time. Most of the world we are not aware of at all at any particular time. I am now typing onto a computer and focusing on how I want to put my thoughts together on the subject of habits and how they are useful. Peru and Vladivostok aren’t really in my awareness – even Australia (my country), my city, suburb, or even most of the house I’m in, aren’t really in my awareness at the moment.

We ignore most of the world most of the time. And just as well – imagine if I had to take account of the weather in Peru and other things before I started typing. It would not make my life easier. This is one way we make our life easier – ignoring most of the world.

Auto-Pilot
Another is by using ‘auto-pilot’. Or habits.
We can walk and chew gum at the same time. But we can’t usually be aware of these different activities at the same time. We can walk and chew gum at the same time because we do one or both of them habitually.

And while walking and chewing gum we can be paying attention to the scenery or thinking about a problem we have and what to do about it. This is one way we cope with all the stuff in the world – by doing on auto-pilot what isn’t important to us at the moment.

 
Reminders
Habits and awareness are different ways of functioning. But there is a way of mixing them too. Reminders can be ways of bringing us back to awareness – even though the reminder is habitual. Tennis players I’m told use bouncing the ball to bring themselves back to focus – the bouncing is habitual and the reminder to do this is habitual too – and the effect is to bring them back to awareness.

 
My New Product: Reminders for Authenticity
I think it can be useful to have a reminder about authenticity – something to remind us to check in with ourselves. Doing this once a day should help to live a more authentic life. And so a life of greater satisfaction.

A brief reminder (about a paragraph) delivered to your email inbox each day for forty days is what it will be.

I will be launching the product officially in about a month. It will be a low-priced product and ($27US), because this is the first time it will be launched I will be selling it at a discount as well ($17US). It will also have a limited number of people who can buy it (probably only a couple of dozen or so) – let me know if you are interested and I’ll reserve you a place. You can either tell me in the comments, or contact me via the contact form on the blog. At the moment I am working out the technical details of delivery and payment.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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As she was interviewing these writers Corinne found that they were all saying the same thing in slightly different ways. This lead to a couple of things. First thing: she needed to find the different thing as a way to make the interviews fresh. Second thing: this book, called Are We Spiritual Yet.

 
Overview
This book is Corinne’s summary and distillation of spirituality.

Each chapter is a brief, punchy and self-contained reflection on a major theme. The 17 chapters cover such topics as:

• peacefulness
• fear and small stuff
• personal growth
• gratitude
• when you can’t forgive
• intuition – listening to your signals
• writing your way to a decision
• today is as good as it gets

 
Approach
Corinne is looking for spirituality that works in the real world and looking at how spirituality can work in the real world. You’ll search in vain for ‘metaphysical fluff’.

Corinne’s writing style is down to earth and direct – in her chapter on the secret (The Secret – how’s that working for ya?), she says that she learnt early that:
If you really, really want something, it is not going to happen if you don’t do something to get it. (p.28)

In her chapter on forgiveness she asks: “But how do we get there? And who, within us, is going there?”, and answers:
It is the child you have covered up. It is you. It is me. Unhealed. Frightened. Hidden. Sure he or she is bad.(p.13)

Corinne is also wise enough to use stories, which are engaging (personally I find it difficult to write this way – even though I enjoy reading it), so that the book is not heavy or difficult to read.

Corinne has chosen to treat important topics rather than to come up with a treatise or theory. This means that you are free to take you learn and leave the rest – she isn’t laying out a system that she wants to convince you of.

 
Conclusion
If you want a book of inspirational thoughts on spirituality – with an eye very much on the practical – then I think you will enjoy this book and benefit from Are We Spiritual Yet? It is available in paperback or from kindle here (non-affiliate link).

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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Figuring out what I’m really thinking and then acting on it.

It seems to me that this difficulty has two stages: confusion (“figuring out what I’m really thinking”), and; reluctance (“acting on it”).

 
CONFUSION

Confusion About Deciding
Sometimes not knowing what we think is when we are drawn equally to two (or more) choices – or have different reasons for preferring different options. Broadly speaking there are two ways to address this.

Firstly, if you have lots of options you can rank them against each other. Say there are five. You take option one and rank it against the other four. If it wins, you’ve decided. If say option two wins then you rank it against the remaining three. This sounds simple and is. It is not often useful but when it is it works like a charm.

Secondly, more usually, we are drawn equally to two things or have different reasons for preferring different things.

In this situation it is good to listen to both (or more) of the thoughts. They are all you – it is you who are drawn to the different options (however many there are). If you ignore or suppress something then you are ignoring or suppressing part of you – this usually doesn’t work long term and involves ongoing work to keep part of you suppressed.

In this situation the ideal is to find something that appeals to all of you. You can do this I think in three of ways.

 
The first is alternating
being drawn to a perpetual holiday and doing worthwhile work 24/7 can be resolved by getting enough sleep so you can give you all have (but no more) to your work.

 
The second is integration. Finding a solution that satisfies both parts.

• Eg. Two friends preferring different movies could lead to doing a completely different activity.
• My not knowing whether to get angry or comply with a command can be integrated in stating my disagreement.

The third is realising that there may be something else going on.

• I may be confused about which bike to buy and not realise that I think I will be a more cool dude if I buy a bike.
• I may be confused about which course to choose at uni and not realise that I think it will be a job ticket.
• If there is something else underneath the thoughts then this will help us move on from this particular confusion.

 
Confusion About Authorities
Sometimes we are confused because different people say different things. In the age of the internet this can be quite a problem.

One way to resolve this is to decide which authority you want to trust.

This usually amounts to something like: My current [religion, philosophy, spiritual practise, way of thinking, psychology] has worked so far, so I’ll stick with it. Or that it doesn’t work any more – so will go with the alternative.

Usually it is more complicated than this – we are drawn to the differing advice. So the alternative is understand what it is that we find accurate or attractive about the different pieces of advice.

I might like feeling good about what I achieve from working hard as recommended by the ‘self esteem comes from achievement’ line of thinking. I might not like the stress this brings and also like the advice that comes from ‘don’t push the river, life flows by itself’ school. I can then move on to finding a way that honours what wisdom there may be in both approaches. Perhaps I will find that a playful attentiveness is enjoyable and efficient.

 
Testing Advice
When we are confused by differing advice we can test the advice against our existing experience. This kind of filtering process will at least get us clear on what we do know. We can then get a sense of what more we need to know.

We can also test the reasons given for believing the advice. People will often give reasons to back their opinion. It is worth listening to these and seeing what you make of them and if the advice makes sense in light of them.

 
Understanding the Attraction
We are confused by different advice because we find the different advice attractive. It is worth understanding what the attraction is.

• I should leave my partner because they are clueless about my emotions and I want an emotionally nourishing relationship.
• I should stay with my partner because they are kind, reasonable and I value loyalty.
• This kind of clarity can lead to considering differing solutions (like marriage counselling).

Confusion Due to Lack of Information or Experience
There are lots of things we don’t know about. And so we won’t necessarily know what we think.

This means we need more information or experience.

The big question is do we want to invest the time or energy we need to know or experience enough. It is still true that an hour a day for three years can make you well informed on anything. It may well be worth this amount of time and effort to learn about business investments, philosophy, or your hobby. But you may prefer to just ask a knowledgeable friend about which car to buy or what a holiday destination is like.

 
RELUCTANCE

Procrastination
“If you are procrastinating; consider not doing it” is, I think, very wise advice. It will usually lead to us discovering the consequences of not doing it. And help us be clear on the benefits of doing it. It can help clear the emotional fog and help us think more clearly.

 
Thoughts and Feelings
. . . are different. Some action may move you toward a desirable goal but the action itself may be unattractive.

You are both your thoughts and feelings. So listen to both. Sometimes our thoughts are misguided, sometimes our feelings are to do with the past not our current situation. Neither is infallible and both provide valuable information. Our chances of doing well are maximised if we listen to both.

 
Fear
Fear is good – it alerts us to the presence of danger, so we can modify our behaviour accordingly.

Fear is good when it is a response to the current situation. So it is worth listening to.

If you listen to fear you may well learn about pitfalls that need to be considered (even if it is only a case of ‘forewarned is forearmed’).

If you listen to your fears you may find that they are ludicrously exaggerated. And so you don’t really have much to worry about.

This can lead to exploring what purpose the exaggeration serves for you (likely to keep you safe), but that is another story.

My values say that safety is valuable – ‘that which doesn’t kill us can leave us maimed’.

In my experience unintended consequences occur, starting small can be wise.

Fear is not infallible, but it can become a good friend.

 
Planning
Our lives can be complex and even a small change can lead to unexpected difficulties. So it can be worthwhile to set aside a minute or two to think about what you want to do. If may be that what you want to do is quite straightforward. It may turn out that there are things you hadn’t thought about – in which case it is good to know.

Take a couple of minutes to think about how you are going to decide what you want to do. It may be time very well spent – even if it is just spent scheduling a time to do the planning that you need to do.

I hope this provides useful guidance on how to figure out what we are really thinking and acting on it.

I would like to hear your wisdom on this too. Let me know how you know what you think and how you move smoothly (or not) into action, in the comments.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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Hope life has been good with you over the last few days. With me it has been delightful, intense, challenging and much else, Evan.

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The question that arises from this is: How do we change?

If we have good reasons for our behaviour why change it? The most extreme form of this is: we can make reality over according to whatever we think / anything is possible – we just have to think about it enough and in the right way. I think this is seriously deluded and can’t account for us changing our thinking.

 
Learning

• One of the things that distinguishes us from the other critters is our ability to learn. We were born with few instincts – compared to say a foal. And so we learnt to do most of what they do –
• from walking to talking,
• to riding a bike,
• to driving,
• to relating to people in a particular workplace,

pretty much everything we do we have learnt.

Which is to say: it is part of being human to change. Learning is one kind of change.

I’m pointing this out to highlight how much change is part of all our experience. By the time we are adults we have learnt an incredibly range of things – which is to say we have changed hugely.

 
Reality Testing

We usually behave according to the ideas we have about the world. Sometimes we find that those ideas don’t work.

• We may find that other parents have different rules to ours.
• When we change employers we find that a different ethos prevails in the new workplace.
• We may find that people in other cultures have different rules on touching (Anglo-Saxon cultures like mine seem to be particularly averse to people touching each other – especially men touching men – men holding hands with men: Qu’elle Horreur! It’s just not natural! – unless you come from another culture).

So we come to learn that our ideas aren’t in tune with a particular part of reality.

 
At which point there are a few options.

1. We can conclude that the other way of doing things is wrong.

• It just IS wrong for the new workplace to be different.
• Men should not hold hands!
• My parents way of doing things is best.

I do think this can be true.

• I do think some ways of parenting are better than others.
• I don’t think it is wrong for men to hold hands – however uncomfortable I am with it.
• I don’t think bullying is acceptable in any workplace – however much it is part of the culture.

However, this is often our default reaction. We don’t stop to consider the feelings and reasons we have for our reaction. And so our reaction, of, “That’s just wrong!”, keeps us from learning and improving our understanding of the world.

2. Accepting that we need to change our ideas in this one area.
“When in Rome do as the Romans do” has its place. And when we return from Rome we go back to our usual way of behaving.

• At work we may behave in ways we wouldn’t find acceptable at home.
• During a sporting contest different rules apply to normal life.
• We are more abrupt or aggressive with one group of friends than another.

I don’t think this is hypocritical or unhealthy, necessarily. It is just accepting that there are different ways of doing things and that there isn’t necessarily only one right way to do some things.

3. Extensive changes
Sometimes we come up against something that means major adjustment on our part.
I grew up believing that I wasn’t much good with my hands. Then in a drop-in-centre I discovered that I could produce acceptable looking stuff from leather stamping. This was quite a challenge. Over the years this has become a good reminder that my ideas about my limitations can just mean that I haven’t had the chance to find out if I can do something.

These sorts of extensive changes will often have to do with feelings-ideas-beliefs from our childhood – and which we are now unconscious of. Usually when we hit these kinds of things we have a very strong reaction.

• Feelings of disgust or vertigo,
• Intense anger or elation
• Quick judgements or feeling resolute.

It may be helpful to ask someone who is a good listener to sort through your reaction. It can be useful to employ a professional. It may be helpful to consider a change to this in one area.

Extensive changes can take time and change other areas of our lives.

• To change the way I plan my work schedule may lead to changes in planning my leisure as well and perhaps even to how I greet people.
• To learn that it is OK to relax and have fun with kids may affect my relationships with adults, and then how I plan my work day and perhaps eventually influence my life’s goals.

This kind of process can take weeks or occasionally even years.

 
Exercises For Reality Testing
1. Fill in the brackets in the following sentence:
All [a class of people] are [a quality].
Now find some exceptions – it is extremely likely there will be some.

2. What is your usual way of responding to difficulties?

When does this work well? When is it less helpful? What ways do others you know respond to difficulties? What are the strengths and weaknesses of their approach?

3. Choose a set of parents, other than your own, that you know well. Take a solid amount of time (at least five minutes) to imagine how you would be different and the same if you had been raised by this other set of parents instead of your own.

 
‘Internal’ Testing
The reasons we change are not only the mismatch between our ideas and how they fit the world ‘out there’. Sometimes we realise that there is an internal disharmony that we don’t want.

• We may realise that a way of thinking badly about a group of people is inconsistent with our value of not being prejudiced
• We may realise that we treat women and men doing the same job differently (and need to decide how and if we wish to continue to do this).
• We may realise that we are quite rational in one area of our life and impulsive in another.

Our thoughts, emotions and values are somewhat different. And so they may be more or less in harmony with each other. This harmony can be quite usual:

E.g. doing the washing up in a way that makes sense, enjoying the sense of getting through a task, and that this contributes a little to a happy marriage.

All aspects are in harmony.

The harmony can also lead to quite intense moments of flow or delight.

E.g. Getting an artwork exactly right, or engaging at our deepest level with a conversation or our life partner’s desires.

That we have different ‘parts’ to us that can be somewhat at odds with each other can also lead to us changing.

 
Exercises for Internal Change
1. Which were the last five situations you were uncomfortable in?

Was there one thing these situations had in common that made you uncomfortable? Perhaps there were different things each time? Could the discomfort lead to changes you would like to consider?

2. In what areas of your life do you feel rational calculation is valid? In what areas of your life do you feel rational calculation is invalid? Can you think of reasons why these views might be wrong?

3. Have their been times in the last year when you have been surprised to hear the words coming out of your mouth? What was surprising? How do you evaluate this surprising part of you?

 
The Importance of Change

In our personal lives I think it is hard to underestimate the importance of how much we change and can change. We don’t need to be prisoners of our past – or of our thoughts (or feelings or values). (My own view is that the best way out of prison is in small and enjoyable steps.)

When have the changes you have made been due to reality ‘out there’ contradicting the ideas you had about it? When have the changes you have made been ‘internally’ driven. I would like to hear about what has lead to you changing in the comments.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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I don’t mean this literally exactly.

But I want to put it starkly like this to emphasise the importance of the point, which is that:

 
I Make Sense (to me)
The point is that almost always a person’s way of behaving makes sense to them.

Even if, from an outsiders perspective, the behaviour seems ridiculous; it usually doesn’t to the person doing it.

People persist in ways of doing things despite getting no results;

• taking up another diet,
• trying to discipline children
• seeking better employment
• finding a romantic partner
• suppressing emotions

People can persist in behaviour that doesn’t get their consciously desired outcome. And they have good reason for doing this:

• they need to lose weight or get fit and just need to persist
• they are bringing children up the right way and it is the children who are the problem
• who gets employed can be quite random
• there don’t seem to be suitable romantic partners around
• The problem is not putting in enough consistent effort in suppressing emotion

This is what I mean by “everybody is sane” – that we have our reasons for doing what we do.

 
Changing
When we want to change our lives it may be that we will need to address our reasons for what we do as well as what we do.

We can develop a new habit and not address our thinking at all.

• Putting on the seat belt when we get in the car
• Waking up at a particular time
• Tying our shoe laces
• Chopping food

This kind of training doesn’t need to address our reasons terribly much, if at all.

However, we often find that changing our behaviour is trickier than we thought it would be.
E.g. how do you cure an alcoholic? By telling the person to not raising a glass to their lips.
Major change turns out to be far more tricky than just changing behaviour. It often means addressing the reasons we have for our behaviour.

 
The Benefits
The benefit we get from our behaviour can have to do with our reasons for doing it.

Something we do may be futile to an outside observer. To us it may show that we are persistent and not a quitter.
It may seem to someone else that we are doing things the hard way. To us this shows that we don’t take the easy way out.

 
Understand Your Reasons in Order to Change
So if you have trouble changing a behaviour you want to change see if you can find the reasons you have for doing it.

They may be buried in the past and it might take some digging.

If the reason lies in your childhood it may seem bizarre to your adult perspective. This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t influence you. Often our strongest reasons stem from our childhood.

 
And then there is the need to respond to the reason you have for your behaviour. This can mean a major shift in your perspective, your thinking and your feeling. I’m not suggesting this is easy. I am suggesting that it helps to know what the work is that you need to put in and where to apply the effort.

Just working on changing behaviour can be wasted effort if it is the reasons you have for the behaviour that need to change.

What are the reasons you have found for persisting with what seemed to be futile behaviour?  For me it is usually connected with the sense that ‘this is the right way’ to do something. What has it been for you? Let me know in the comments.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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I have posts planned, but I’m not sure that I will get to all of them.

 
Also if I’m a bit slower than usual to respond to comments this is the reason, Evan

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Of the theories about human experience that I know of gestalt psychotherapy is easily the most thorough and grounded in experience. It is theoretically tight as well as practically useful. (By gestalt psychotherapy I mean roughly what is in the book Gestalt Therapy by Perls, Hefferline and Goodman.)

Gestalt psychotherapy fits easily with self development. It has the emphasis on the response-ability of individuals of the ‘third-force therapies’ (of which it is one) and is not focused on sickness but on how well people respond to their situation.

Gestalt psychotherapy also brings a gift to the usual approaches to self development: it expands self development because it is not focused on isolated individuals but on the person in their situation – it focuses on relationship.

RELATIONSHIP
Gestalt is about relationships. And this is tricky. We are used to thinking of a relationship as two individuals. But the relationship is neither one individual nor the other, nor both. The relationship is what happens between the two.

This is hard to wrap your head around at first. To try it out:
watch a couple of people conversing. Take note of how they respond to each other – by gesture, vocal tone (if you can hear), and bodily position. Notice ‘the dance’ rather than ‘the dancers’.

If you are like me your attention will drift from the dance to one of the dancers and back again. Gradually you will get a sense of the relationship – that it is something that isn’t either of the individuals. If you practise you will gradually develop a sense of the different kinds of dances that people do –

• anger,
• courtship,
• indifference,
• and so on

– and what each individual brings to the dance they are in.

When you get a sense of this you will find that your experience takes on a dynamic quality.

The quality of your life is the quality of your relating to the people and things around you.

Relating has a receptive and an active mode.

In the receptive mode we check out what it is that we are interested in. We let it speak to us, observe its parts, get a sense of the whole and the qualities it embodies.

We do not just make up reality. We also receive it; for instance:

• This sunset speaks serenity – the sound of the birds, slight breeze, colours of the sky, the shape and colour of the clouds . . . All add up to an experience of serenity.
• This is a work room. It is not disorderly, neither is everything put away, it is ordered so that the equipment can be easily reached and used.
• This post has a shape, is written in my voice, has a particular subject and vocabulary. The speech is largely direct.

In the active mode we check out what we can do to, and with, what we are interested in. We actively collaborate in making our experience.

To get a sense of this try altering how you do some small thing:

• alter a routine you have in the morning.
• alter the way you greet someone – just changing a word will do.
• try moving things on your desk or in a room.

We don’t just register reality ‘out there’ we actively engage with it.

• After we have trained to play an instrument we will hear music differently. Our appreciation will have changed and deepened. We will perceive more in the music even – if it is the very same CD we listenied to before we learned to play.
• As we get to know someone we begin to notice more about them – how they move and their gestures. We can even have the experience that they look different to us (we notice some features that we didn’t at first).

RESPONSE-ABILITY
Gestalt, like the other human potential movement therapies, emphasises our ability to choose and do (“agency”).

A relationship is about responses. How we initiate, respond, adapt, and modify our behaviour depending on what we are relating to.

WE BRING ALL OF WHO WE ARE TO OUR SITUATION (wholism)
A person is a unit. This unity has ‘layers’ or ‘parts’. We can pay attention to one of these layers or parts but they are all always present.

So:

• While pre-occupied with an intellectual problem we may discover that we are hungry.
• While eating a meal we may recall a painful argument with a friend.
• An argument with a friend may lead us to reflect on our purpose.

Other layers or parts of us are present and can make themselves known whilever we are paying attention to one of the other ‘parts’ or ‘layers’ of ourselves.

Acting with all of who we are can be profoundly satisfying.
If we find something to do that is physically pleasurable, emotionally and mentally satisfying, is esteemed by our peer group and fits our sense of purpose then we are fortunate indeed. This activity will be profoundly nourishing to us.

When this isn’t the case we are more or less frustrated or dissatisfied. This can be cleaning up the past and / or dealing with conflicts in the present. (In reality these usually go together.)

We Develop Our Own Style
Living beings have their own way of ordering their relationship with their environment. Of finding what works for them, avoiding what is toxic, dealing with threats and so on. When a being is given enough resources, support and instruction they develop their own way of acting – they develop their own particular style.

This is the natural way of learning. And the result is an individual achievement. We can tell from some distance who someone is by the way they walk. This is because they were given encouragement, support and instruction to develop in their way and in their own time.

THE GREATEST GIFT OF GESTALT PSYCHOTHERAPY TO SELF DEVELOPMENT

The greatest gift of gestalt psychotherapy to self development is the understanding of how we change in ourselves. The usual understanding of change in self development is that it is about intellect and will. We set goals that are realistic and set about accomplishing them – and exercise our will to overcome reluctance (all that stuff on dealing with procrastination).

This way of changing is incompatible with wholism – and when examined closely I believe is not the way that (lasting) change occurs. The way of change usually described in self development means that we are not acting with all of us but are put in the situation of fighting with ourselves.

With this way of changing you lose even if you win. That is, one part of you is diminished or ignored and another part is strengthened. Even if successful you are not living with all of who you are. There can even be an attitude that the diminished self and misery that result from this way of change is somehow good – taking a kind of pride in self-inflicted battle wounds. (This can be a positive but this battle was in a futile cause, had no prospect of being won, and was unnecessary to boot.)

The insight on which this theory of change relies is that being ‘stuck’ is different to being ignorant or not being able to do something.

• If we are ignorant, and the problem is important to us, we will set about learning what to do with all of who we are – from others (in person or through books or whatever) or by personal attempts and reflection on them.
• If we are unable to achieve what we wish then we may reflect and mourn (raging and crying and stomping around or whatever). This too can be done with all of who we are.

Being ‘stuck’ is being in two (or more) “minds” about something. To choose one of these ‘minds’ and attempt to suppress the other doesn’t help. We are attracted to two alternatives equally or have different attitudes to an action or various thoughts about a plan. If we didn’t care about one the ‘minds’ we wouldn’t be stuck.

When we are ‘stuck’ it is because we are not whole. We are split. To choose one part means not choosing another part of ourselves. To suppress the split doesn’t solve it – and involves us in a war with ourselves.  Perpetuating a split won’t resolve it.

Once the split is resolved the energy that was used in fighting ourselves is available for use in other parts of our lives – solving problems, loving relationships or whatever it may be. We will then be acting with all of who we are and experiencing the satisfaction that this brings.

How?
We resolve the split by paying attention to both (or more) sides of the ‘conflict’. First by getting clear what these sides are and then by getting them ‘talking’ to each other, until resolution is reached.

The traditional way of doing this in gestalt psychotherapy is by using two chairs (or more usually cushions). The person when feeling one way sits on one cushion and when feeling the other shifts to the other cushion. Shifting from one cushion to the other is to help get clear on the different aspects of ‘the stuck’.
Then the person while on one cushion addresses the ‘other’ person on the other cushion. (They imagine that they are sitting there.) Then they switch cushions and address the first cushion (imagining someone sitting there).
This sounds simple and childish. The results are powerful and profound.

[You needn't use cushions.

• Another common way is to write a dialogue between your dominant and non-dominant hand.
• Or you can draw the two 'minds' – as different people or animals or with some abstract figures.
• Or you might imagine them as two different stories, which you weave into a bigger story.
• Or you might imagine them as two different movements, which you then blend into a dance.

Whatever helps you clarify the two or more minds and assists them in relating to each other is good.]

There are several possible resolutions of being stuck.
1. One part of ‘the stuck’ is actually a demand from someone else that the person wants no part of. In this case we start to live in the way that we prefer – this may mean trying stuff out and finding out what it is that we actually prefer. If we have been following someone else’s agenda we may not know our own preferences.

2. one part of ‘the stuck’ is a point of view they have adopted from someone else and they want to honour. In which case it is a conflict within the person and what they value. Which leads to a couple of possibilities.

3. ‘the stuck’ is trying to do two incompatible things at the same time. These things can be handled by doing things in different stages or at different times.

• A good romantic relationship can include times together and times apart.
• A good life can include intense activity and profound rest
• Learning well can include failures as well as successes.

4. Finally, and for me the most difficult, ‘the stuck’ might include personal qualities that need integration.

This means things that are called ‘welcoming the shadow’ or ‘transforming the demon’. This process can involve challenging beliefs that we developed early and we can come to moments where we feel like changing this part of us means death (which in one sense it does – but this is the kind of dying that leads to new life). I am not exaggerating how difficult this can feel. I have felt it myself and have seen it often in others.

This means finding a new way to live. For instance:
A man (I think gender stereotypes are still with us) may feel the need to be strong in his business life.. And then feel the demand to be soft and accommodating in his personal life. This man will spend his working life suppressing one range of feelings and behaviour at work and another range of feelings and behaviour at home. There will always be some kind of strain and tension.
Through experimenting this person may arrive at a way of making decisions that takes account of other’s input and the effect of the decision on them. This man may find that it is possible to be resolutely kind or flexibly decisive. This is living into a different quality of life – one where all of this man is involved in both his business and personal life.

In my experience I think women are asked to bring the stereotypical ‘personal life’ virtues to ‘business life’ and to then succeed in business terms. This is a bit of an ask in my view. Especially when the ‘personal life’ virtues are punished or denigrated in the workplace. In short: women are asked to succeed in different terms but the rewards are given for the old way of doing things.

In this situation some women become more male than the males, others accept that it is the home that is the ‘natural’ place for a woman and don’t bother with business life. There is now a third response emerging: Women starting their own very successful companies. In some cases these women do things differently – allowing more accommodation of family life in the work place, permitting the voicing of feelings during meetings, having a more flexible schedule and so on. This is a different resolution of the same dilemma (one which in my view many a male envies and could learn much from). These women have lived their way to a different style of business life. The difficulty of doing so is easy to imagine.

This is to show a couple of options for integrating the qualities of soft and strong (this dilemma seems prevalent in Anglo-Saxon culture – which is mine).  (If you get the impression that I think the women are ahead of them with integrating this particular split you are entirely correct). There are many other qualities that can require integration.

• Fearful and decisive
• Compliant and innovative
• Not thinking of yourself and looking after yourself

There are as many competing qualities as there are stuck points.

To experience this:
1. Make a list of times when you feel something like, “This again!” or “Here I am again and no further forward”, or,
List the areas of your life where you have given up attempting to make changes, or,
List the times and place when you have a sense of futility

2. See if there are competing demands or desires or qualities that make up this situation. It may be that there are different ‘voices’ asking different things of us.

3. If so get to know both (or all) of these voices. (If they are genuinely part of you – not imposed by others.)
Listen to the quality of the voice if you here one.
Imagine what you would have needed to go through a past incident happily if you recall one.
Imagine what sort of person you would need to be in order to honour both voices or sides of the stuckness.

4. Then take one small and easy step into your new way of life.

In my experience the different aspect of ‘the stuck’ are all valuable. They are all part of the whole that we are. Usually resolving a stuck point feels great. Liberating the energy tied up in fighting our self is a feeling of elation, sometimes mixed with relief. This elation doesn’t last forever but you can have an ongoing feeling of lightness – because you are no longer fighting yourself.

A MAP OF OUR EXPERIENCE
I think the greatest gift of gestalt psychotherapy to self development is the understanding of how we change.

The second greatest gift is a map of how our experience flows. This map can then be used as a guide to spotting problems when we are feeling dissatisfaction.

There are various versions of this map in gestalt psychotherapy. I have developed my own, which is what I’ll go into here. My map has 8 phases but here I’ll present it as 4 to make it simpler. (To get the full story there is my book Living Authentically on the Products Page. It explains the eight stages and gives lots of exercises so that you can experience each of them for your self).

The four stages of experience.

• Our experience begins with rest (1).
• Moves onto (2) being disturbed by something.
• Which we then (3) do something about .
• And so (4) experience more or less satisfaction .

Some examples.

• You are asleep (1). You become aware we need to go to the toilet (2). You go there (3). You experience relief (4).
• You are asleep (1). You wake from a disturbing dream (2). You realise it was just a dream or find the message it has for you (3). You return to sleep or stay awake (4).
• You are sitting relaxed in a chair (1). You realise you forgot to ring someone (2). You ring them or find a way to remember to ring them later (3). You return to or stay sitting.
• You are having a relaxed conversation with a friend (1). You feel disturbed by something your friend says (2). You challenge your friend or let it pass (3). You feel OK or not depending on how your challenge was received or how you feel about not challenging your friend.
• You are brought up in a relatively stable community that shares similar views (1). You become aware that someone you admire greatly doesn’t share some of these views (2). You set about finding which views you want to keep or discard (3). You evolve some new way of living that may be very different or pretty much the same which may be more satisfactory in some ways but with new challenges – perhaps that you hadn’t even suspected before(4).

This is the way things normally go for us.

This is the path of self development. This is the way in which we grow, develop as people and respond to our situation.

When things are not going well we can use this map to zero in on where we are having problems. This makes it easier to know what we need to do to get back to normal and experience satisfaction.

Briefly, when some aspect of our life is unsatisfactory we can:

• clarify any confusion about what is disturbing you
• address any confusion you have in examining options for addressing this disturbance
• find what stops you taking up one or any of the options to addressing the disturbance
• become aware of how satisfactorily we have dealt with the disturbance
• think about where you would like to do better or clarify why you aren’t feeling satisfied
• refine our ability to deal with this kind of situation

These four simple stages give us a way to examine our experience and spot where the problems are. This map of our experience does not ask us to do away with or suppress any part of who we are. It allows us to bring all of who we are to addressing any difficulties that we are having. It is a way of living with greater satisfaction by living whole.

I call it “living authentically”. It is my approach to self development based on gestalt psychotherapy. It does not have the usual dilemmas of dealing with ‘procrastination’ because one part of is not included in our decisions. It is not based on a sense of inadequacy or an ideal of what you should be like.

I hope you find this approach and way of living appealing. It has changed my life very much for the better. I now live, most of the time most days, with an undercurrent of elated calmness, and am getting better at spotting when I get off track and getting back on track. My life has a better quality now due to living this way.

I realise this is a long post, and that it may present some new ways of thinking about things for you. You are very welcome to leave comments or questions. My purpose is to help you examine what is working for you and what isn’t, if your experience doesn’t fit this map please don’t hesitate to junk the map and go with your experience. If you will let me know where it doesn’t fit your experience I would be very grateful.

If you want to explore gestalt therapy further:
Perls, Hefferline and Goodman – Gestalt Therapy
“The paradoxical theory of change” was always part of gestalt psychotherapy but was first named by Arnold Beisser in Gestalt Therapy Now by Fagan and Shepherd.

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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.

I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.

I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.

To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

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If you loved this post please share it!

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I thought I’d give you a quick update on what I am planning to do with this blog this year. A couple of changes:

 
Firstly about the posts I put on this blog.
I plan to try writing a few long and thorough posts – say around 3,000 words rather than the usual of around 1,000. My hope is that these will blow people away with how good they are and so keep on being shared around. So I hope that they will bring more people to this blog long term.

 
Secondly, my venture into blogging has always been about me finding a way to make my income doing what I love. This year, as a step toward doing this I plan to sell some of my own products.

• My first product will be an email course of just a quick reminder each day for 40 days to check in with yourself. It will be cheap and a way of people checking out what living authentically is all about. So this is something of a front door into living authentically and what I have to offer.

 

• I also plan to do a major book and email course about self development. The approach is educational (rather than focusing on problems) and will be about being in the present, resolving past issues and welcoming and creating the future. The content will be available either as one book or as a series of emails (not sure how often yet). I am thinking of offering a forum and conference calls as upgrade options.

 

• This book and course will be a much bigger effort. I am writing a report that gives an educational slant to self development. I think it will end up being about 30 pages and will cover self development comprehensively. This will be given away to publicise the book and course. I also hope to do some guest posts and interviews with other bloggers around the themes of the book and course. I hope that in this way I can do the marketing for the book and course by delivering value.

 

• I also plan to offer an introduction to living authentically course. Probably six weeks long – introduction, rest and disturbance, looking around, interaction, saying goodbye, conclusion. Probably with one or two conference calls included.

 

• Finally, a big dream is a membershop program, nine months long, that would be for people to get to grips with what it means to live authentically and transform their lives. In some ways it would be a self development workshop although I would provide structured content with support from a forum and conference calls (perhaps fortnightly or monthly). But I think this would need to be further down the track. I don’t know yet whether anyone would even be interested in such a thing.

On a more personal level. I will probably be moving where I live. Which will need to absorb my focus and energy at some stage.

There’s are my plans for the year. Do you have ideas of what the year ahead has for you?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.

I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.

I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.

To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If you loved this post please share it!

Hide Sites