Living Healthy

Two Pregnancies, Two Mindsets

2013-11-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

This post is not going to paint me in a very good light but that's ok because it's the truth and sometimes the truth doesn't look so great on us. Maybe someone will be able to relate to my truth. Maybe it will help someone through a dark time. Maybe I can offer a light at the end of the tunnel or just put things in perspective for some. This is a testament to a saying that my dad lives by: "everything is temporary". This is true for situations, jobs, emotions, etc. And we can do anything for a temporary amount of time.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 24 years old. Jason and I had been married for 9 months. We were getting ready to go on an all-inclusive (binge drinking) vacation to Cancun, Mexico with some good friends of ours. We are all very big drinkers. I have had irregular periods for most of my life and I wasn't on the pill. My experience with the pill has always be negative, physically and emotionally. Before we were married, Jason and I used condoms. But he requested we move to the "pull and pray" method. We were married after all so if he did slip up on accident and we got pregnant it would be ok. But neither of us ever thought that would happen. I had unmedicated borderline hypothyroidism, low body temperature, irregular periods and I drank... a LOT. All of these things can lead to difficulties getting pregnant or increase the change of miscarriages. So we thought we were in the clear.

Two days before leaving for our trip that we had been looking forward to for a year, I realized that it had been almost 60 days since my last period which was a long time, even for me. So I decided to take an ept just to have peace of mind while I was getting obliterated in Mexico. I was not worried at all that I was pregnant, this was something that I had done several times just so I wouldn't have to stress out for 20 days before starting my period. Well, to my shock and dismay my ept revealed that I was expecting. My heart sunk and I immediately felt panic, anger, sadness and a slew of other negative feelings. It was down right awful. And to top it all off, I had to tell people the next night. We were going to a concert with our friends and they would KNOW I was pregnant if I didn't drink. I was in no condition to be sharing this news but I had to. It made me feel like an even worse person that all my friends could tell that I wasn't happy about being pregnant. We went to my parents' house and told them and my dad was so happy he cried, and I cried because I was sad. I'm sad that I couldn't be happy with them and I feel like I took that moment from them as they became first time grandparents.

I had to go on vacation and I cried nearly the whole time. I was miserable and I felt guilty because I know it was not fun to be around me. I was angry with Jason for drinking. I was angry with him for getting me pregnant. I was the only one who had to change my life right away. Nothing changed for him. I was being very selfish but I couldn't help the way I felt, it overtook me. I was SO angry with Jason. This wasn't fair. HE was the one who wanted to stop using condoms and I was the one who had to pay for it. At least he got 9 months to adjust, my life changed in seconds. I couldn't work out like I love to, run half marathons. I couldn't drink alcohol or coffee. I had to gain tons of weight and ruin my body. All I felt was dread. And anger. I felt that way for a long time. It eventually faded but I was never really happy.

Then I had Michael. I loved him but I didn't start really feeling the true motherly love until he was about 4 months old. Then something clicked. And it seems like every day since then I just love him more and more, almost to the point that I can't stand it!

I never had a period after I gave birth in February. I went back to the dr in June and he gave me provera to make me have a period. I had slight spotting then nothing again. So in October I decided to refill the script and try it again. I took a pregnancy test before I started it (Oct 15) just to be sure and it was negative. I took the medicine and had nothing, no spotting or anything. So I went back to the dr on November 5. He said we would run some tests because it was odd that I didn't have any bleeding after taking the provera. So he gave me my papers and sent me on my way. I was making my next appointment and he walked out and said "Um, Catherine, come back with me I need to add a lab" and he told me that he thought it was very strange that I didn't bleed at all so he thought he should run a pregnancy test. Congratulations, you're pregnant! Excuse me??? He just kind of chuckled and shook his head yes. I said "Are you shitting me?" and he laughed and said I'll show you the test. I still didn't believe him.. you never know if they accidentally used someone elses pee. But this time the first thoughts/feelings that went through me were shock and disbelief. But I couldn't help but notice that beneath those feelings I felt... joy.

Really? A SECOND unplanned pregnancy.. Michael is only 8 months old.. this SOUNDS like a disaster. And yet all I felt was happiness. I went home and took an ept and low and behold it was positive. Over the next few days I tried to make myself feel miserable. I wanted to get it out of the way. I didn't want it to hit my like a load of bricks down the road like it did last time. So I made myself think about how hard it would be with 2 babies under 18 months. What will we do about daycare? Dad won't want to watch both of them. How will I put him down in his crib when I am huge? How will I make it through this pregnancy, I am already so exhausted and nauseous. I can't workout and run like I have been. I can't drink alcohol or coffee. I just worked SO hard to lose the baby weight... I'm going to have to do it all over again!

But even all of those thoughts didn't make me panic or feel dread. Yes, it made me feel nervous and a little scared. But mostly I just felt happy. I even found myself smiling while thinking about it. And I can't even wrap my head around why. I didn't think anything had changed in me over the last year, but maybe it has. Part of me is still waiting for the dread to set in but part of me knows it's not coming. Is this what pregnancy is supposed to feel like? All I want to do is shout from the rooftops that we are expecting. Last time I didn't want to tell anyone and I had to. This time I want to tell everyone but we are waiting to announce it in a fun way.

Last time Jason was excited but he had to keep it to himself because I was so miserable. I'm so glad that this time we are able to be excited and enjoy it together! I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful, loving husband. I can't wait to welcome Baby Ball #2 into our family, Michael is going to be such a great big brother!

Thoughts About Motherhood

2013-11-06T05:36:00.001-08:00

I glanced at my calendar and noticed my mom's birthday is coming up and I started thinking about what a great mom I have. Then it hit me, "I'M a mom". Sometimes it takes moments like this for it to really sink in for me. I feel too childish and unwise to be a mother. I try my best but I often have no idea if what I am doing as a parent is right or wrong. Am I showing enough affection? Am I smothering him? Do I protect him enough? Do I allow him enough space to grow with independence? I think back to my memories of my mom when I was younger, some things that come to mind: superwoman; knows everything; always knows what to say/do to make me feel better; can fix anything; loves me just the right amount; smartest person I know. I often think I will never live up to the mom I had (and still have) as a child. But then I wonder, how did she feel back then? Did she feel all of those wonderful superhero qualities that I know she must have? Or did she also feel nervous that she was performing sub-par as a mom? Did she also feel worried that -- haha. Wait. Worried? My mom? Right then in that thought I realized of course she didn't feel like the supermom that she was and still is. And it dawned on me that maybe it is all the worrying we do as mothers that turns us into supermoms. Maybe worrying is our REAL superpower. Perhaps I CAN be as good a mom as I have been blessed with, at least in Michael's eyes. (Well, maybe a close second... she's hard to beat!)

New Week

2013-11-04T09:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Monday!

I actually got to bed early last night and woke up to run 40 minutes before work today. Yesterday I cooked/prepared my dinners for the week: Chicken and vegetables. Here's a picture..

8 oz chicken breast, 1 cup green beans, 1/2 cup carrots

On saturday we put Mike on a video game ride.. his face is priceless!

Overall I didn't do HORRIBLE on my eating this weekend but I definitely drank way too much and Sunday I let myself have too much of a cheat day. But that's ok because today I'm back on the regimen!

I'm still debating about signing up for the 10k on Thanksgiving....

Have a great week!
-Cat

Trick-or-Treat Party Pictures

2013-11-01T04:58:00.006-07:00

Last night's Trick-or-Treat party was a blast! We actually ended up running out of candy.. whoops! I ate a lot of food but I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. Back to the regimen today!

Here are some pictures from last night:

This is my son Mike the giraffe and my cousin's daughter. So cute!!!

Pumpkin puking guac

Deviled egg eyeballs

Creepy hand clawing out of the hummus

Pumpkin face veggie tray

Peanut butter spider cracker sandwiches

Caramel apple dip and salami cream cheese rollups

Tombstone sandwiches in front

I cannot take credit for these creations... I got all the ideas from Pinterest!

Hope you all had a fantastic Halloween, here's to a fantastic November!
-Cat

HaLLoWeEn

2013-10-31T05:53:00.003-07:00

Happy Halloween!!

This is Michael's first Halloween and we are having a big party (aprox. 20 people) at our house.. the plan was to have a fire in the driveway BUT it's supposed to be severe storms all day/night! BOOO. Oh well, we will still have fun. I'm taking the afternoon off work to make appetizers and get the house ready for everyone. Mike is going to be a giraffe, I'm so excited! I will be sure to post pictures (of him AND the food)!

I am worried about my eating today, especially since I am making all the appetizers and it's at my house! Eek. Oh well, hopefully I will do alright. I need to send leftovers home with people or just throw them out. WillpowerWillpowerWillpower...

So each week I weigh in on Thursday. Today I weighed in at 134.8 which is great for me! To reach my goal by Thanksgiving I need to lose about 1.2 lb/wk now. I think that is totally possible, but it will be difficult. I just need to keep up what I've been doing. I'm sure I will be drinking (several) glasses of wine tonight but that's ok.

Trick-or-Treat&Willpower,
-Cat

Baseline Pictures

2013-10-30T07:28:00.001-07:00

This morning I realized that I needed to take pictures so that I can monitor my progress. I had to take these by myself with my phone in the mirror... so they're not the greatest. But they'll do. I took them this morning and I weighed in at 135.5lb, so not technically baseline pictures since I've already lost some, but better than nothing. They are embarrassing and I'm in my underwear... I had to hurry so I wouldn't be late for work. This was a last minute thought this morning and my bathroom is a disaster, yikes!

So there we go, just lettin' it all hang out!

That's all I've got time for for now, back to work!

-Cat

The Regimen

2013-10-29T09:54:00.004-07:00

So yesterday I started "the regimen". The regimen is something I made up, just overall healthy eating with minimal sugars (boo) and calorie counting. The only purpose of counting calories is so I know where I stand for the day. Maybe someday I will count macros, I know that is better, but for now I'm just sticking with calories. I've been using Myfitnesspal, which is a great site! I prepared a bunch of boiled chicken seasoned with parsley, thyme and pepper on Sunday. I cook it VERY well done because I am so fearful of undercooked chicken, not to mention the thought alone makes me want to vomit. So, hubby won't eat it.. which works well for me because it will last all week!

My day yesterday was:

Breakfast: black coffee and a Fiber One Chocolate Bar

Lunch: Turkey wrap: La Tortilla wrap, Oscar Meyer Mesquite Turkey, yellow mustard

Weight Watchers string cheese

Snyders of Hanover gluten free pretzel sticks

Snack: Kroger Light Greek Strawberry Yogurt

Dinner: 8oz Chicken, 1tbs Franks Red Hot BBQ

1 cup canned green beans

1/2 cup canned sliced carrots

1/2 cup Uncle Ben's Garden Vegetable Rice

Snack: 1/4 cup Natural Almonds

Snack: 1pc Dove milk chocolate promises (gotta have SOME sweets)

Total Calories: 1,083

I felt satisfied for the day and I was not hungry at all. Here is a picture of my dinner:

Today will probably be exactly the same. Yesterday on my way home from work I picked up a scale to weigh my food.... $6.99, cheapest one they had! It's awesome, now I don't have to feel like I'm guessing and possibly sabotaging myself.

Yesterday I did not exercise. This morning I jogged 3 miles on the treadmill before work.

My (difficult) goal is to weigh 129.9 on Thanksgiving morning. I can't even remember the last time I weighed in the 120s, so it would be a great feeling. However, that will be extremely difficult for me. The lowest I've weighed in my adult life was 132, and that was for my wedding. This morning I weighed in at 137.0. 7.1 pounds in roughly 4 weeks, that's a challenge, especially without losing muscle. I will be happy if I weigh 133 on Turkey Day. 129.9 is just a stretch goal, if I get it, great, if not there's always Christmas!

My goal is to stick strictly to the regimen 4 days each week. I say this because my husband and I love to drink alcohol and that's just not something I'm ready to give up. So I will allow myself to drink alcohol 2-3 days each week and 1-2 days I will allow myself to cheat off the regimen but still stay healthy as far as my meals go. My goal is to count my calories each day (difficult for me because I hate doing it) and to stay within 1600 on my off days... INCLUDING alcohol.. that will be HARD!

Halloween is Thursday, which means trick-or-treat, which means candy, which means extreme temptation. On top of that, the hubs and I are hosting a trick-or-treat party for family and friends. There will probably be 20 people there and I'm planning on preparing a lot of Halloween-inspired appetizers. Yikes! That is my cheat day but still, I need to really watch myself and send all leftovers home with people or just throw them out!

Well, here's to health and overcoming delicious temptations!

-Cat

Stay At Home Moms

2013-09-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I don't want to offend anyone but there seems to be a stigma surrounding stay at home moms and I must say I tend to have a somewhat negative feeling towards them, too. It could be the way I was raised (with two full-time working parents), the stay at home moms that I know personally, or perhaps it's jealousy? Whatever the reason, I tend to think they don't do much. Now I know that's totally inaccurate, even if all they do all day is take care of their kid(s) I personally know that IS a job in itself. So, why my negative feelings?

I have the ability to be a stay at home mom, but I know I would go crazy. Partly because I wouldn't feel that sense of accomplishment that being part of the workforce gives you and partly because, let's be honest, I need a little bit of a break from my son. I feel like if I don't work then it would be my responsibility to take care of our son during the day AND get all of the house chores done. But let's be honest, that wouldn't happen. Maybe there are some super-moms out there but on the rare occassion that I am home on a weekday I'm lucky to get a load of laundry done and clean off the kitchen counters between changing diapers, feeding, and playing with Michael. Since my husband and I both work I feel like sharing chores equally is fair and I like that. I think it's a sick fairness mentality that I have because my husband has told me time and again that if I wanted to stay at home he would not expect me to get all the chores done.

Social media is wonderful for many reasons, but it seems that stay at home moms (at least the ones that I know) just use it for self-embarrassment. The worst part? They don't even realize they should be embarrassed. I do not want to find myself in that category should I become a stay at home mom down the road.... I feel like maybe it just sucks you in before you know it. I mean, these posts of "(Baby name) just pooped three times, ugh this kid is out of control!" Ok, babies poop. You are a stay at home mom, that is your job. I do not post "Ugh, third excel spreadsheet I've worked on this morning!". That would be ridiculous. So, are these posts a cry for adult interaction? Are they seeking some self-worth? I'm just not sure. But it drives me nuts and they should be embarrassed.

Having said all of this, I am going to work reduced hours starting in January. I am trying hard to rid myself of these feelings I have toward stay at home moms because I know they are unfair. How does everyone else feel? Are these thoughts only mine?

7 Months PP Update

2013-09-24T11:48:00.002-07:00

So it's been about 5 months since my last post. WOW time sure does fly! I'm back to work full-time, Michael is 7 months old and life is busier and better than ever! He was baptized over the weekend (Mom is finally off my back about that), he is crawling, eating (spitting out or pretend gaging on) baby food, pulling himself up and trying so hard to walk everywhere. This stage is SO much fun! Though I feel like it would be easier to put him in bubble wrap, I swear I think the kid TRIES to hit his head on everything.

As for me, I did finally lose all of my pregnancy weight! It took about 4 months total, so 2 more months after my last post. I had to really diet hard but once I got really serious it only took about 4 weeks to drop my last 10 pounds. Whew! In the meantime, I have set a new 5k PR (23:41) I couldn't believe it! I recently ran a half marathon and finished with my second best time (2:03:30).

I am still facing some post-partum challenges, though. ** WARNING ** TMI ** For example, bladder leakage.. specifically when running. And I did have this problem during my half marathon. Let's just put it this way: I was on pace around mile 8 to finish in about 1:55:00 but then I had a personal problem (it was very embarrassing, so I will not elaborate) which led to my finish time of over 2 hours. I was very upset, especially since I had been training and forcing myself to get those long runs in (which I thought was difficult before baby.. now I just want to laugh at childless runners who say they have no time to train). I really wanted to PR in each race category to prove to myself that I could be in the best shape of my life after having a baby (lofty goal *eye roll*, I know). So, I was bummed. BUT I did the best I could under the circumstances and for that I am proud.

WARNING ** TMI AGAIN ** I also have not had the pleasure of having "Aunt Flow" back in town. Went to the doc, took some meds, buttt.... So I'll probably be heading back to the doctor sometime in the next month or two. Ahhhh motherhood. Sometimes I just look at my husband and scoff. He has no idea. Well, he does, because I tell him. But still, he has no idea. :)

So, since my last post my husband and I have celebrated our 2 year anniversary, had the pleasure of being in his sister's wedding, and took a family (my mom and dad, brother and girlfriend) vacation to PCB, FL. 12 hour drive with a 6 month old, with extended family members... yeah, that could be an entire post in itself. Long story short, it's been a great several months. Crazy, busy, frustrating, fast, fun, happy, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

8 Weeks Postpartum Reality Check

2013-04-15T13:15:00.003-07:00

I had my first baby, Michael, 8 weeks ago. He is so precious and adorable and I love him more than anything in the entire world but man oh man did the pregnancy and birth wreak havoc on my body. The first six weeks postpartum I was too busy recovering from my episiotomy, learning to take care of a screaming newborn, dealing with engorged breasts and sore nipples from breastfeeding, and tackling this new life on little to no sleep that I barely had the time or energy to remember what day it was let alone care about my body image.

Once that six week mark rolled around, though, I was totally healed down there, I had stopped nursing and my breasts were finally back to normal (sort of, you other moms out there understand.. they are never QUITE the same), and I had become a (semi)pro at running on little sleep. In other words I had found a groove that made life feel mostly back to normal and I was ready to start thinking about my health and body again. I was ready to tackle the task of getting my pre-pregnancy body back. Needless to say, I was motivated. And then I looked in the mirror.... Yikes!

I found a flabby and fatty belly and nasty stretch marks. The only clothes that fit were sweatpants or maternity clothes, meaning that if I left the house I either looked homeless or pregnant. Yay. The scale told me I had about 10 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But I couldn't help thinking to myself the pregnancy must have really changed my body because it sure looked like I had more than 10 pounds to lose. Nevertheless I was motivated and I kept remembering what everyone tells you: give yourself time and be patient.

So I started running (or actually jogging slowly.. it's amazing how out of shape I felt) and I decided to start eating healthier. I set a goal of losing 1 pound per week. 5 days into running my knees started hurting badly. All of a sudden I felt like a 60 year old woman. So I had to take a few days off (great). In the meantime my husband convinced me to do one Insanity workout. I took it really slowly and still felt sick afterward but I rediscovered my love for the program and found that I kept doing it each day.

My fitness level improved dramatically over the next week and I started feeling better about myself.. until I stepped on the scale again. NO change. Fast forward to today and here's where I stand: I have still lost NO weight and my clothes STILL don't fit. I have started jogging again.. taking it very slowly. I am still doing Insanity and I have just started the third week. I am trying my hardest not to get discouraged but I must say, it's difficult. I know it's only been 8 weeks since I had my baby but it feels like a long time and I didn't realize it would be so much harder to lose weight. Before I got pregnant if I had worked out and eaten like I have the last 2 weeks I would have easily lost 5 pounds. Welcome to motherhood I suppose.

Here's to keeping your head up and hoping hard work will pay off eventually...!