Living in the ME time...

Pushing people away by accident?

2010-12-05T20:09:00.000-05:00

So the other night, I decided I needed to go out dancing - there were tentative plans to meet up with a girlfriend but nothing was solid. I decided to go on my own and see what's what. Ended up not meeting up with my friend - but instead jumped into a circle for colleagues I knew from school.

Anyways - all this means that I was in a dance club kind of on my own... a new slightly weird experience. On the dance floor I started letting loose, closing my eyes and moving to the music - letting go of stressful thoughts and being present with the movements and beats. It felt good!

Being on my own allowed me to look at the social dynamics on the dance floor in a new light... Saw this one girl just consume this guy with flirtatious looks - like she knew what she wanted and then she went and made him dance with only her. It was pretty impressive honestly - even though it was overwhelming to witness. When a shy guy was trying to come up to me - I waited for him to be direct and show his interest. I didn't want to play the role of the seductress - I wanted to be seduced... Since he wasn't brave enough to actually look me in the eye and get closer with movements - I stayed in my world of one and pretended I didn't notice his attempts of getting closer.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I pushed away a possibly a-okay guy for no real reason. I essentially built up this wall around myself and didn't let this guy in because he wasn't willing to put himself out there. I expect a lot from my partner - evidently, bravery is right at the entrance of my expectations. Should I try to explore ways to become the decisive woman on the pursuit? Should I follow the 'He's Just Not That Into You' approach of letting a guy be the one who should know what he wants and showing it? It's a tricky game with no real answers...

Readers - if you're out there - I'd love to see you weigh in with your opinion!

Me

2010-12-01T17:56:00.000-05:00

I too have been doing a lot of reflecting about me time. I've come to realize I don't necessarily always know how to make myself feel really good. With that in mind, I'm noting things that do.The experience of living in London has definitely allowed for some change and reflection. The main things I've taken away is 1) I often give people the reaction they want at the expense of what I want or should do. I hate to make others feel bad by saying no so I say yes and then feel drained after exhausting myself by running myself too thin. I was more aware of it here because I got accustomed to doing things on my terms, feeling rested, etc. When a visitor arrived, my balance was off-set. I would lose sense of all that and respond. I'm working on it because being well-rested and drama free is good for me and I enjoy it. 2) YET I need a good kick in the ass to get moving. While spending time alone has been great, I've wasted time sleeping and resting when I should be getting motivated to explore. I've learned doing things with someone who is interested in the same sort of things makes me feel good. I want to surround myself with those people 3) Bettering my mind is important to me. I'm starting to care about what is going on in the world. I want to be informed and able to contribute and have opinions about more relevant things 4) When I get back to NY, I want to get involved in volunteering at a charity. I recently had an experience of trying to connect a baby in need with a receptive hospital. It changed me. I want to do more of that.

So maybe it is a good experiment because the reflection has been so valuable. Even as I write, I see the barriers to my happiness really lie mainly in my actions and responses more than others. Recognizing that and changing it will be the greatest me investment I've ever made.

Creative Juices

2010-11-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

I need to start making art again.

I'm feeling the itch - spending most of my time supporting other artists only gets me so far and now I need to create something for me.

It's 10x easier to create things for others. In my life or my art - external motivators are always the most potent.

What type of work should I make? What thoughts do I want to surface above the rest? Not really questions anyone else can answer - but I'm officially accepting suggestions!

New Years check in

2010-11-21T00:47:00.002-05:00

The end of the calendar year is always a time for reflection. For this moment, I’m looking back on the beginning of this blog and where we’ve come since our new years commitment. We wanted to write stories about what it means to take time for ourselves. Reclaiming the word selfish and taking pride in decisions that follow our gut while treating Me time as an almost sacred practice.

I can’t say I’ve stayed true to the original mission of this blog - - what it has been is an opportunity to reflect on the things that affect my life and the reality which is being a late 20 something woman.

Lots of entries have been focused on men, relationships and the difference between our connection to others and the connection to ourselves. The priorities we set for our time and the relationships we choose to cultivate. But the question that comes to mind for me now is – Am I really consciously focused on honoring my Me time?

Alone time and Me time aren’t necessarily interchangeable. I’ve spent more time on my own these past few months but I haven’t exactly been indulging myself in any special way. Things get so wrapped up with work and the new business I’m trying to launch, it’s easy to get wrapped up in external stuff. This is the stuff that’s easy focus on because it’s tangible and immediate. Me time is letting yourself take a step back from the easy time commitments.

So now, I’m going to raise my glass to myself! Cheers to my blog reading friends locally, nationally and internationally, people of all ages, genders and realities – cheers to you & cheers to remembering the importance of becoming a better person and raise our standards of quality!

5 things

2010-10-05T01:18:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I reconnected with a friend who somehow slipped through the cracks. A friend who I adore but have lost touch with until recently - how great!

Anyways we talked about the concept of 5 things - A new one for me. The theory goes that you can only be good at a maximum of 5 things at a time. As soon as we get carried away and try to do more than 5 things really well - the other things suffer and we start spreading our talents too thin.

This concept inspired my friend to really think about his 5 things and embarked on a 6 month sex-fast where he worked on becoming a better human being. It's experiences like this that make us realize how much control we actually have over our own happiness. Right after this intense period of focus - he fell in love for the first time in his life - beautiful right?

I think my 5 things would be: to be a loving friend, to be a supportive family member, to be an independent thinker, to share my creativity generously, and to constantly explore my capacity for spirituality.

What are your 5 things?

my birthday suit

2010-10-03T15:47:00.000-04:00

In my first 3 months in London, I ate, drank, and was merry. I also busted out of a pair of jeans and wiggled into one too many skirts. Alas, it was time to get fit. So I joined a gym. Surprisingly, despite moaning in pain today, this has been a great experience. Not only because exercise lifts my mood and trims my waistline; but also, because I'm starting to feel better about getting naked in front of other people! That's right, you heard it, naked... in front of other people!

At first I was surprised at the nudity in the locker rooms yet slowly, but surely, my comfort level is evolving. I eased into it in the steam shower yesterday and felt pretty good unhindered by a towel. The true expression of progress today was when I bared it all in the sauna- no steam to protect the bystanders from my curvy bum! Seeing those women of so many different shapes and sizes be so comfortable in their skin inspired me to appreciate what I have and let loose a bit. Here's to taking it off!

Waxing and Waning

2010-10-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

In my logical brain, I know that everything follows a cycle and there are constantly ups and downs to the things we experience. When personal relationships are at a height of splendor - often professional satisfaction will not be so great and vice versa. Even though the logic of the waves makes sense - I can't help but to want it all...

My good friend May and I once celebrated our unity in being Insatiable - proud of not settling. There's something to be said for wanting a lot out of life and being stubborn about seeking out the good stuff. There's also something to be said about knowing when to stop searching and start appreciating the goodness right in front of you.

Sometimes it's hard for me to really see my life in a positive light until someone else points it out. The simple statement "you're really living right" or my grandmother's most recent comment, "I don't worry about you" can go a long way to help me recognize the up side of my reality. Somehow it's easier to focus on what's lacking rather than our richness.

What helps you appreciate the ups in your life? Do you have any advice for keeping yourself up when your in the middle of a ocean wave of reality?

Taking care of Me - both inside & out - single & not

2010-09-17T12:56:00.002-04:00

I'm noticing strange differences about the way I'm able to take care of myself when I'm single vs. the times I have a partner. I have more time on my hands to do the little things like remember to eat well, moisturize and take vitamins when I'm on my own. At the very same time however, I seem to be more critical of myself and worry about my waist line more than I should. Silly deconstructive doubt - Is this merely a by-product of having too much thinking-time on my hands?

It's easy to doubt my abilities and beauty when I don't have someone there as a comforting reminder. I wish I could wave a wand and make this go away - but alas I left my fairy wings in a different galaxy.

Critical thoughts can push us to become better humans - constantly striving to overcome hurdles.... BUT it can also push us over the edge when it is applied to subjective things that are out of our control... maybe the goal for this week is to be aware of my tendency to look down on my physical appearance and instead apply this energy to improving my inside persona...

Soaking in the thanks.

2010-09-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

I am honestly overwhelmed by all of the love in my life.

I think we get very few opportunities to experience the love and support from others in a tangible way. It's so easy to feel alone and get wrapped up our individual path and day to day existence... we easily forget about all of the potential love that we're not tapping into.

It's not until times that we actually call out to people for help or support that we get a tangible representation of the richness in our life. This is exactly what I did this summer. It took a lot of courage but I launched the business project I've been dreaming of for about a year. Like many brave actions, this one paid off in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

For now, my "me time" will be to try to really soak in my thanks for the generous people in my life and how bountifully they have shared themselves and their love.

With the right frame of mind and perception I think we all have a lot to be thankful for. It's just hard to see with our fast paced self-focused go go go...

A little focus

2010-08-29T04:48:00.000-04:00

I'm here, all alone, in a new country. If this isn't the setting for me time, what is, right? Yet, I haven't felt the incentive to do this bit of everyday magic that makes a difference. So, I've decided to do a big chunk of it in September to make up for some lost time. I'm investing in a yoga course that requires me to leave work on time and dedicate a whole weekend to improving my mental and physical well-being. As Ms Tirzah knows- a lot of quiet introspection makes me more than a little uncomfortable. I'm hoping that learning to be alone as I have over the past two months have set the stage for this experiment and next step in my self-improvement.

One thing I have been doing is writing about little local adventures through London on another blog. I haven't felt the same adoration for London as I do NY, but the blogging it is helping me remain positive and motivated to make the most of it. This realization reminded me of how much I enjoy this blog and how negligent I've been lately in both my "me time" and blogging on the more personal side. So hopefully, you'll welcome me back.

Building Community... a never ending investment?

2010-08-28T13:45:00.000-04:00

Amazing what a job can do for your sanity... with a somewhat steady schedule and the structure of an office, I am happily on the go-go. I'm way more productive when I have to squeeze in errands in-between other commitments. It's never perfect though is it?

With my job and home security get to a peaceful place, my friend and romance waves are in low tide. Most of my inner-circle community in Pittsburgh has moved to a new place and given me a lot more alone-time than usual. Time to re-build... the exact task that felt so insurmountable when thinking about moving to a new city. I guess this is just how the universe gets it's kicks. Somewhere in the clouds there's snickering and laughing while talking about these silly humans thinking that they could find peace in others rather than within themselves. Or maybe they're laughing at the importance we put on our physical place. Either way we are always pushed around by the things we cannot control.

Perhaps everything needs to wax and wain in waves of busyness and bounty. Right now is my time to focus on my work (that I actually Love) and balancing my schedule so that I take care of myself and allow my community to slowly evolve as it always does. With a little love and patience, there are always good things to flow.

The word transistion seems wimpy when you're in the whirlwind

2010-08-14T17:17:00.001-04:00

I ran away from my life - and then I remembered, "Wherever you go, there you are". You can never truly get away from yourself - but pleasant surroundings can have a nice effect. On my island vacation with friends, I had a nice escape from my day to day reality and I gave myself time to think and relax. It wasn't until the last day that I realized I would be flying back to a city where I had neither job nor home nor lover and I had to work hard to keep myself on a positive note.

So what happened when I returned? My newly refreshed mind and body were ready to make things happen and I hit the ground running. Celebrated my friends in Pittsburgh, got things done and somewhere along the way I landed my dream job -

It's a temporary fix that could lead into something bigger but for now it's pretty darn perfect. I get to do research and planning that I'd want to do on my own - but I'll get paid to do it! Once I get settled into both my new job and my new home I'm sure I'll feel more grounded and ready to take on the balance challenge.

Maybe vacations really are a necessary part of keeping your life together and making yourself open to the good things that come along.

PS if you click on the title the link will send you to my friends blog that I found truly inspiring - enjoy!

Home of One

2010-07-27T00:05:00.000-04:00

While a lot of my friends are building nests within their partners, I feel like I'm trying to build my nest in myself...

What will my nest look like? Right now I'm focused on where it will be - cities calling my name... but maybe I need to be thinking more about what I'll be doing once I get there.

Who knows how long I"ll be the only resident of my nest - but I'm trying to stay focused on the good stuff and keep my heart open to the things that fly by.

Me vs. Them (?)

2010-07-21T23:54:00.001-04:00

Is it impossible to balance me time and family time when your family is going through a tough time? Some have said as much to me when I've been talking about moving back to my hometown. My gut reaction is to ignore these warnings and move back to Nashville anyways. But then again perhaps I'm being hasty.

Balance has always been something I've been very aware of and made a conscious effort to create a balanced life for myself.

What is it about home that is so appealing? Comfort and support - lots of unquestioned relationships in your life. I'm going to spend a little bit more time developing my job search and make sure I"m not turning my back on any promising possibilities.

What are the things that are capable of throwing you off kilter in this balance game of life?

A lot of me time lately

2010-07-18T17:23:00.000-04:00

I've been in London for a little over 2 weeks. Never have I had so much time alone. I've started to get a taste of what life would be like alone. I mean really alone, not single alone. Up until a few days ago, there was no TV, no internet, no friends, no phone. Just my books, my job, and myself. What started out as a welcome break soon became a reality, an intimidating one at that. But I'm learning and this is good.

I'm learning I'm physically strong. For example, when someone offered me a television and I had no way to get it home, I figured it out. I called the cab, I carried it up stairs by myself, I put it together, lifted it on the stand, and settled down in front of it with a sigh of relief and satisfaction.

I'm learning I can provide for myself. When I discovered that no restaurants delivered in my area at lunch time, I got off my lazy butt and made a day trip to Greenwich. There I scored some decent food, beautiful scenary, cheap books (I still prefer them to tv, which was a great reminder), and a new jacket. All because I ventured out. On my own.

I'm learning to read a map. Seriously, you have to in order to live here. I missed the grid of NYC at first but am starting to relish in discovering how to navigate the city. It turns out I am not as directionally challenged as I thought, I just hadn't had to try because I always had a friend to ask.

While all this lessons are valuable, they aren't as great without friends to share them with. My most important observation to date is that being single isn't what we should be worried about. With friends, life is sweet. Even without, it is on our own terms and a quest in search of finding them and ourselves.

Forces of attraction leave me searching for more

2010-07-14T01:02:00.000-04:00

Physical vs. Emotional attraction... it's been a dilemma for me in my dating blunders. When I have a really cosmic strong connection in one of these two arenas the other side always seems to be lacking. I wish I didn't need a solid balance of both but I do!

Recently a friend, who I think is truly wonderful, started asking me out on dates. Sometimes these situations are great and lead to nice relationships - but in this case I couldn't switch my friend gear. The physical attraction is simply not there for me and I don't think I can really do anything about it. It's frustrating to find a spirit that I connect with and have to walk away.

My frustration with this situation makes me think of one of my favorite Savage Love sayings - "every relationship you're in is the wrong one - until it's not"

There's a reason all my relationships up until now haven't been the right one - I'm learning patience and spending the time I need to learn and love my MEtime self. Patience is never easy but I think keeping high standards are always worth it!

On the positive side, I called my friend out on his change of tune and told him I was thankful for our friendship and wanted to keep things as such. He quickly responded to my email with a cheerful, complementary acceptance of my wishes and I think we'll be able to hang out again soon... oh the wonderful things you can say over email that seem too big and difficult to say in 'real' life...

A little me time

2010-07-04T08:20:00.001-04:00

I can't even compete with Tirzah's last post. It left me blushing. Fret not sweet adventurous feminist cousin, if a man had posted the same, I'd be just as red.

But I digress. I moved to London 4 days ago. Amidst the chaos of settling into my new place and jumping right into work, I've been spending time alone. I mean really alone. No TV, no Internet, no friends, no company at restaurants. If you had asked me a week ago how I would handle that, I would have turned green. Yet I surprised myself. I'm enjoying it.

I'm reading again and organizing. My mind wanders and I'm starting to write like I used to. Things seem a bit sharper and clearer. This change is good.

Let your flower bloom....

2010-07-03T10:44:00.000-04:00

My friend did an art show all about the things you wear that make women feel powerful... very nice interviews and interesting statements. I've been thinking lately - what are the Things I Do that make me feel powerful?

In this past year, there is a long list of the things I do that give me strength. But for this blog entry, I want to focus on the fun and importance of jilling off or watering your own flower. It's amazing to know how to get yourself off and I know that it makes me a 10x better lover for others. It's pretty liberating and amazing to know that you can take care of yourself in this way. For some reason the topic is taboo and women aren't supposed to explore their abilities in this arena at all.

Somehow our culture has evolved to allow men open discussion of their sexual needs and supports them taking care of their own needs when need be. For women however, we pretend they don't have the same needs or at least should be quiet about it. We need to let go of some of our puritan past and embrace getting to know our bodies as well as we can - we only get one round!

The Friendship Date

2010-06-27T23:59:00.000-04:00

I love open communication - but sometimes I worry that it scares people away. Maybe this is silly.

Recently, before going out on a first date with a guy, I sent him a note saying that I'd like to approach the evening as a 'friendship date'. In order to minimize the awkwardness that often follows blind dates, I wanted to pretend that we were testing each other out as friends and then if we liked some level of friendliness then it could evolve. He reacted to my note in a nonchalant way with something along the lines of "sure sounds good - whatever." This response left me wondering - well he must think I'm already pushing him away before I've even met him - oh well.

We had a nice enough evening where he really respected my space and boundaries, spent a long time walking around the city talking about life and social issues. All in all a pleasant evening but not spectacularly fun - the lack of laughs was a disappointment but other than that - a great night.

Then no call or email. So I decide to pull the forward communication card again and tell him that on the date-scale of friendship to 'more than friends' I'm somewhere in the middle and asked where he stands. Surprisingly he had the straight forward answer of yeah me too - - placating? I'm not sure. Even though this will not likely lead to a great adventure in love, it's great to know that I can say what I want and ask my curious questions and sometimes get exactly what I'm looking for.

Killing the awkwardness of blind dates with experiments in friendship was a great idea - perhaps a tool to be used in the future.

Stimulation abroad

2010-06-15T23:43:00.001-04:00

Interestingly enough, I feel so connected to myself and indulgent right now despite having no personal time left. I'm learning again! Not only is my job presenting new challenges and exposing me to new subjects, but my environment is changing and I am studying British culture (I mean, check out the video for the great things that come from this country) with the same intensity. It feels great to spend my spare time engrossed in books and outlining projects. I'm exhilarated during work with figuring out the processes abroad. I'm delightfully anxious prior to meetings and investing time getting ready. The stimulation is dizzying but entirely gratifying. I'm learning to be in the moment and make the most of it. I've thought of the me time as separate breaks in the past but am realizing now that it can be completely integrated into the day-to-day with the right perspective. Ah- nearing a new decade is making me all the more wise!

Part Time Peace

2010-06-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

What a whirlwind of change! Congrats shout out to Rita for being awesome and embracing this big move to the UK!

I just finished my graduate degree and am trying to embrace the complete unknown that sits before me. I spent a month celebrating my family and friends by traveling home and beyond then went wedding hopping two weekends in a row. Looking back on this time I know it was time well spent and a great reminder of all of the love in my life.

Now I have the space for reality to settle in. The real gravity of unemployment is here and now it's time to figure out how I will apply my time and skills to projects/jobs I care about. I expect this to be a period of being under-valued/underpaid until I find the right kind of lucrative job.

Surprisingly I'm really happy as a volunteer grant writer and project coordinator in the part time. I have the time to stay healthy and play in the summer sun. It'll be a short period of underpaid-bliss but for now it's great and I'm at peace with ME.

It's one big balance game when you really look at it. You have to decide which things you're willing to give up your freetime for and what you're willing to do to pay the bills... it all evens out in the end.

Cheerio

2010-06-11T00:02:00.002-04:00

I've been suppressing the urge to write until I officially was able to announce my big news... no, I am NOT pregnant as my coworker suspected (but yes, I will be dieting tomorrow). Rather, I am making a move across the ocean to LONDON for 6 months for my job! While I suspect it will be challenging from a work perspective, I am craving that and the change it presents (both at a professional and personal level). There is a little anxiety about repeating old patterns of moving and not settling down but the temporary nature of this secondment has led me to say yes. How's that for embracing change in 2010?

Expect more blog posts in the upcoming weeks as I attempt to demystify the process of moving to a place I've only been for 24 hours in the past. What an adventure!

Theift of comfort

2010-05-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

I"m sitting in my apartment when I hear the sound of crashing glass outside my window. When I go to the window I see a mans legs hanging out the window of a car obviously stealing the contents of the glove compartment. I'm alone in my house and it's 1 am... I yell at him and he runs away.

I can't quite shake the jitters I feel - the sudden vulnerability in the realization that there are people in my neighborhood with bad intentions. I was outside getting a bag from my car while this guy was talking on his phone just a few minutes earlier.

I call a friend who's staying at my house for the weekend to see when he'll be home and really just wanted to call to talk to someone and get a comforting voice. I call the non emergency line and it's not working hours so I decide to call 911 for the first time to report a crime.

I wish that it didn't take the voice of a male friend to make me feel comfortable. It would be nice to be able to calm myself down without the help of a friend and be able to feel okay being alone. but alas - I'm human.

The police just called me back asking which way he ran so perhaps my good samaritan duty will work out well for my neighborhood.

It wasn't my car that was broken into but it's just my proximity to the crime. It takes moments like this to realize how lucky we are on most days. The delicate balance it takes to keep the world afloat is indeed fragile. I feel safe and strong most of the time and even though I'm shaken tonight I know that I live in a city that wants to keep crime down and I have friends that will help soothe my nerves. Life is shaky but good.

May days

2010-05-11T23:43:00.006-04:00

I'm greeting change on my terms without worrying about what could happen or what might have been. Rather than act in my hypothetical imaginary relationship state of mind, I'm behaving as an individual. I believe that life keeps throwing the same tests at you until you modify your behavior to learn from the experience. This week I broke a bad pattern. In making a decision, I acted in the interest of my well-being. I made that choice without guilt or regret and felt the benefit of progress.

Hooray to this moment of self-awareness and step toward growth. Thank you 'metime' for helping me realize I am capable and deserving.

On a path to somewhere...

2010-05-05T15:34:00.000-04:00

This blog started out as a collection of stories about taking the luxury of ME time... it has evolved in different directions and been a platform to ask big life questions and a place for feminist perspectives on men, work, friendships and life.

Evolution is a good thing.

This week I took a slice of me-time by coming home after a long day and putting some mud on my face. Oh a simple face mask is oh-so-girly but feels so good. As I sat with my green-tones, I talked to my friend about the men in my life. This wise lady told me that the older we get - the more men we date for shorter periods of time... Made my thought wheels turn. In some ways it makes a lot of sense because as we grow we have a better sense for what we want.

While this 'more men in less time' concepts is logical - it seems totally contradictory to what the social norms tell us. I see so many women my age in long term relationships and getting settled into the idea of being partnered for life and starting to think about bringing kids into the world. From these images of late-20's and early 30's it seems like the years of dating around and jumping from boy to boy should be behind me.

I guess these opposite realities just go to show we're all on different time-lines and moving towards different relationship-futures. Maybe the lesson learned for me is that I need to focus more on my own time-line and do less lusting after other people's trajectory.