Living Life Beautifully

We are not our body

2025-03-25T12:42:00.001-05:00

It is a beautiful spring morning with perfect temperatures and a nice breeze. I've already had to go outside and save a chicken who snuck into a netted garden bed trying to steal my sprouting veggies. I gave her sisters some oatmeal and she was losing her little chicken mind trying to get out so she could have some oatmeal also.

I was sitting here journaling about a book I was listening to while I was cleaning yesterday. It's a Wayne Dyer book called, "There's a spiritual solution to every problem", where he talks about vibration, energy, and frequency. He says you have to raise your vibration to truly connect with God and hear the guidance you need for a beautiful life. It got me thinking about the body and what the body's purpose is in this life we've chosen to live on earth. I believe that we are souls living in a body that was created by our parents. When we are done with this life, we leave this precious body that has helped us to move and communicate, love, laugh, and experience all five senses. Some bodies create other bodies that give God the resource to place another soul. We are not our body. That idea seems so out there when you think about it but I think it's true. We use this body, care for it, abuse it in some ways, take it for granted in many ways and then when we are ready to go home, we leave it behind to join the earth again without us.

This last year I've had the opportunity to learn how our mind causes illness when it is troubled. I've done the counseling and seen how we allow our Ego and the Ego of others to affect our thinking in a way that troubles the mind and then we feel it in the body. I learned that I allow my mind to live in the body. I put my mind there. I think about my discomfort. It's hard not to. But when I started working on my mental health issues and healing them, my body started to heal. I have a long way to go but it has been eye opening to see how much stress affects the body. No only that but certain kinds of stress or trauma effects the body in certain ways. Loss seems to be related to certain cancers, anger seems related to heart issues. I think we are just now starting to learn how these things work. Mental health should actually be treated before medical health in my opinion. That doesn't make doctors or drug companies any money, but I feel like healing the mind heals the body where medication just treats the symptoms.

I've also learned that therapy is not the only way to heal your mental health. I've actually had one good counselor and one that had too many of her own issues to be able to help me, although she was really nice and gave me some really important information on PTSD. But most of my healing has come from books that talk about quieting the mind, learning to forgive, learning to heal yourself. There is so much information out there that can help and maybe even totally heal a person who is struggling.

I've learned a lot about the Ego and how it works and how it is not a part of God but instead causes all our suffering. That has been huge. When Jesus was on the cross he said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do". As Christians we have been taught that the phrase was about the Pharisees as if Jesus was telling us to forgive them. Now I see that he was talking about everyone. We see a person that does something bad and we are angry and want vengeance. When you learn about the ego and how it works you realize that the Ego controls the mind and the soul that God created seems to have no control because it only listens to the Ego. So it does what the Ego tells it to do. The Ego in some people is so strong that it controls that person's understanding. They may think what they are doing is right when it's not. Jesus is telling us to realize this and forgive anyway.

The body is the subject to all these things. It does what it's told. It endures our disrespect. It carries us, cares for us, cares for others, creates, works, and allows us to use it for our pain. It does all this and then we leave it behind once we've run it into the ground. So maybe I need to take better care of it and think about it as something that is not me but is in service to me. I need to be a better steward of my body. We all do. Maybe one day science will learn more about how we can heal our body without all these doctors and medications. Until then we should work to become more mindful of our mind and how it affects our body.

Today I see my body and a precious creation that has done so much for me and helped me to create 4 beautiful babies. It has carried me through my life and endured my high expectations. I am grateful and blessed that she is still with me. I will strive to take better care of her.

Hugs

Shannon

Look for the beauty

2025-02-26T13:34:00.002-06:00

It is a truly beautiful day outside. The sun is shining and the temperature is so nice that I have my old farmhouse windows open. I can feel the breeze as I sit in my kitchen from my table. My table is an antique from my husband's Aunt. When we moved to this house we took the table and added 6 1/2 inches to the legs. Then we painted the bottom half and refinished the top. This last week we painted the top white instead of trying to refinish it again after 14 years of use. I don't know if it will last but it's nice for now. I always seem to put a lot of stuff on top of my table because we don't have a lot of counter space in our kitchen but right now, while I let the table top cure, I'm noticing how nice it is to use the table without so much clutter.

Bruce is out doing lawn jobs for the day and I have a long list of chores that I need to do. Living on a 2 and a half acre farm with chickens, quail, ducks, and rabbits is a lot of work and of course our all wood 108 year old house is in much need of paint on the outside and a bit of repair to some of the wood trim etc. Yet it feeds the soul with it's energy and beauty.

I am a collector of stories. Many of my stories are sitting about in the form of things that remind me of the story. It is my biggest flaw that I have so many stories in my house. Lol. And yet I find so much joy in looking around and seeing who I have been at each stage in my life and what my story has taught me. I've learned how to be very peaceful and happy these last few months. Yesterday I failed horribly but most days I feel as if I'm finally finding my way out of the past traumas my life has used to teach me. I've learned that the past means nothing now. It is only a means to learn. We all learn through our life. It's what life is for. But the past is for forgiving and letting go and then only keeping the parts of it that you need to become better. I saw my parents and how their life played out and I realize that they had to go through what they went through because they needed to learn. I see how my mom was raised by two people who also needed to learn something. She raised me with what she knew at the time. I raised my children with what I knew at the time. But now I'm learning to forgive. Not the kind of forgiveness we talk about that still makes the other person out to be the bad guy but true forgiveness that absolves the other person of everything. I'm learning that God created us all perfect and then there was the fall into the Ego mind that made a mess of it all. It's like a child who says, "I do it myself". We told God, "I do it myself" and he is letting us. That is the fall. But God still sees us as having a perfect soul with human error. He does not punish, we do. We believe in guilt and fear and that is our downfall. If we were to see the perfection in every soul and look beyond the error that the world has created within our human mind, then it is easy to forgive.

I was thinking of our president and how he has such a defensive nature that puts people off. We do not see that he is a man who feels insecure with judgement and that is why he is so defensive. He is not a bad man but a man who wants to do something good and yet has the same issues with self love that we all have. He shows it in a way that is defensive because it's what he knows. We are all so very flawed but not because we are bad. It's all conditioning from the world's views and how we may have been raised by others who have flaws in their thinking. We were not born with sin. We were born with perfection and then learned to miscreate our life. We live a life loving the drama and then complain we have no peace.

These are the things that I feel are true until God tells me otherwise.

I've read and studied the bible for years. I don't know it all and I don't know if everything I think is correct. I try not to put God in a box. I feel like we do too much of that. I believe God is beyond our understanding and to hold to a belief because it is what everyone is teaching based on a very old book but not continuing to allow God to teach us is a catastrophic plan. So I keep a very open mind and I keep praying that God will continue to teach me no matter how uncomfortable it is and no matter how upsetting it may be to my years of Christian upbringing. I choose to allow Jesus to teach me. I choose to allow the Holy Spirit to guide me... no matter how strange it may seem. I am having so much fun learning. I'm enjoying seeing the world through new eyes that give me peace and joy. I see the beauty in what others may see as chaos.

I lost one of my favorite roosters a couple of days ago. His name was cookie monster. He was the sweetest most beautiful fluffy pillow of a boy who I could pick up and cuddle at any time because his fluff on his head made it so he couldn't see me coming. When I lose a bird it can be so upsetting but recently I realized that they will all die at some point because everything dies. To get upset about it is foolish. I will miss him but I'm so grateful that I got to experience having that beautiful bird. So I am choosing to be happy for him that his energy now gets to be a part of something else and praying that whatever that is is beautiful. Life is what we make of it. We have to see things with different perception. If we look for the bad we will find it. But if we look for the beauty..... That is what we will find.

Hugs

Shannon

Why being offended is causing most of our suffering

2025-01-31T13:16:00.001-06:00

It is a beautiful Friday in January. The sun is shining and the chickens and ducks are all talking outside. We had rain a few days ago so the gravel driveway has its low spots full of water, which the ducks love. They swim in it as if it were their own special pond. so fun to watch.

I woke up this morning later than normal because Bruce and I watched TV until late in the evening, so he was already gone when I came into the kitchen to make my coffee, then I headed into the dining room to do my morning journaling. We had gone to a doctors appointment yesterday and then went to visit one of our boys in his new apartment. I was writing about a family that I had the pleasure of speaking with in the waiting room of the office. It was a grandmother, her grandson and then her daughter walked in. The grandmother was not feeling well and her age had made it very difficult for her to walk into the office without the help of her grandson. I was watching how carefully he took care of this dear lady as he was getting her to lower herself into the chair two seats down from me. Then he brought her a water bottle and she praised him for thinking of her. It was such a sweet moment and all I could do was watch them with what must have seemed like a goofy smile on my face. She was so nice about my attention to her situation and didn't give me any looks of frustration so I started up a conversation telling her how kind her grandson was and asked her how she was doing. She told me that she lives with her daughter and grandson and they take such good care of her. Her grandson introduced himself and then her daughter walked in. She had her hair in a wrap and looked concerned for her mom but very kind and I introduced myself. When she spoke she had an accent and I asked her about it. Yes, I'm a nosey little thing. She told me that she has always lived in the states but she had been home schooled and was raised with what she called the king's speech, which explained her slight accent. We got to talking about how she had learned 5 different languages and how she had hoped to learn 8 but didn't quite get there. I can barely remember a person's name so that was fascinating to me. As we were talking about her mom took such care with her education I heard myself say that education had not been a very important part of my upbringing but that I had been raised to make sure everything was pretty, kept a pretty home, made sure I was pretty and made sure people saw my life in a way that made me seem acceptable. She looked at me as if I had just swallowed a fish. Lol! and then said, "really!". Honestly I didn't even realize I had said it until it popped out of my mouth, and then it dawned on me how true my statement had actually been. As that moment sunk in I was almost shocked by it and my mind started to process the information. Had I never thought about it? Maybe I had, but not in that way?

I have had the conversation with my husband, even recently, that I was so grateful that he saw me as beautiful even without makeup. I have always been a bit of a black sheep in my family with how I am a nature girl and don't care about fancy things. I drive an old rusty jeep that has no AC and I live on a farm with chickens, ducks, rabbits, and quail. I grow food and have a house packed to the gills with stuff that I love because each thing tells a story. I love the story. I have a life that is full of stories. Even if the story is not a very pleasant one I can always seem to find a reason to keep it close to me for whatever bit of love I can find in it.

I have found that in my life I can frustrate people because I talk a lot. I like to analyze my ideas out loud, it seems. When I say something I listen while I speak and I learn. Not always the best way to do things. I never ever want to say anything that will make someone feel bad. I think we all have that in common. But we inevitably offend without meaning to. So.... my question to anyone reading this is, why don't we realize that if a person you love is talking to you and something they say offends you, maybe they didn't mean to. Don't we realize that people who love us would never intentionally hurt us? We have all said something we wish we could take back. We all know someone who just says something off the top of their head for whatever reason. We have all gone through pain in our life that at times makes us the crazy person who puts our foot in it. Why don't we just say to ourselves, "I know they love me and don't mean to make me feel bad so I'm going to just give them a pass because maybe they are going through something that I don't know about"? I have had times where I go to a gathering and then spend the next several days replaying everything I said with the concern that I may have made someone unhappy. I've been the person who has listened to my mother in law say something and when she left cried because I thought she was telling me I was not good enough. But I've also been the person who sat down with her many years later when she was dying of leukemia and listened to her talk about how she didn't know what she did wrong and how much she loved her children. We are living in a culture of being continually offended. We have got to stop thinking this way and realize that everyone in the world is hurting and hurting people hurt people. Until we understand that and work to stop being so offended things are going to keep getting worse. God created all of us out of love. He is love. We are HIS CREATION therefore... WE ARE LOVE. Don't let the ego mind lie to you. It lives with the idea that each person is out to protect themselves because that is the only way to survive. In truth, the only way we are going to heal and become a strong and beautiful world is to do each and everything with an intention of love. Seeing the loving being that God created in each and every person deep down inside them is the goal to overcoming the dark energy you feel in the world right now. We need to raise our energy to that of love and work with the idea that everyone was created out of love and is suffering because we aren't seeing that precious person correctly. We all need to practice forgiveness and understand that everything we put out comes back. If you put out anger you will get back anger. If you put out fear you will get back fear. Karma's law is like a magnet. Put out love and get back love. I have not mastered this but I know it to be true. I have a ways to go to realize I don't need to feel hurt by someone that I know loves me. My prayer is that the rest of the world will one day learn this with me.

DIVORCE AND MENTAL HEALTH

2024-07-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

It is a beautiful hot day outside. Texas weather in the summers are not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. But it is truly beautiful. We've had a good amount of rain through June so the grass is still green, which doesn't usually happen by July.

I don't blog often. I unintentionally hurt someones feelings with a blog post and I don't want to do that again so I am very nervous blogging about anything. I created this blog page to try and heal myself and maybe help anyone else who might be going through the same circumstances. I have depression that has been my constant companion for a good part of my life. So most of my blog posts are my way of working through my depression. I have a hard time feeling safe in many situations. A good amount of that was because of how our home felt when I was young. I had precious parents that weren't good at communication. I don't think they knew how to be any other way than what they were. We are all imperfect and I believe we are all put here on this Earth to learn. I learned from their mistakes and my mother used to say she learned from her mother's mistakes.

When I was almost 36 years old my mom took me aside and told me that she was in love with another man. My dad had just gone into retirement only a couple of years or so before and she was not used to him being at their home so often which pushed her to visit my grandmother at the nursing home a lot just to get out of the house. Long story short, she was in a situation that made her feel alive again after being married for, I think, 48 years. By June my dad and the rest of the family found out and she decided she wanted to start this new life. It was not a pretty situation and she was not acting like herself. Her words and actions were not kind and neither were my dads, although I was so surprised that he spoke about her, to me, as well as he did.

Things did not go well and she thought I would be able to drop everything and become a part of her new family, but I was losing my mind. I went into a shut down of life. I curled up in bed for months and cried. She wanted to have a relationship with me but I was consumed with fear any time I was around her. Fear! I would have a panic attack and feel like I was going to die. Even now, typing this, I can feel that fear rising up in me just from the memory. For many years I could not be in the same room as her because of this horrible debilitating fear. When I did finally force myself to talk to her she would say things that made me cry uncontrollably. She wanted to get even with me for not being what she wanted me to be, so she punished me out of her pain. As a result, I lost many family friends and even family members would not speak to me anymore. So, not only did I lose the mother who loved me, because at this time in her life she only thought about herself, but I also lost most of our family and friends. With divorce everyone ends up paying a huge price. Both people want to keep the people they love and will say anything and do anything not to lose them. So they each go from person to person and play their cards of tales to keep the other person on their side. But the tales they tell are full of exaggeration and untruths in and effort to keep that person's love. So I lost my family unit and most of the friends and family connected to that family unit.

When a person goes through pain because of loss, it creates this huge fear. It is a fear of more loss, a fear of loss of who they were before the loss and a fear of what will happen after the loss. My fear was unimaginable. My fear consumed me and destroyed my health. Afterwards I ended up losing my church family, and more family because of my mental heath. My mom ended up dying of cancer seven years later, which I think was caused by her mental health. Even though she and I were speaking at the time, she was still punishing me for how she felt I was hurting her. She could not see how I was hurting, because of her own pain. She was consumed in her own feelings and couldn't see the pain of anyone else. She was never the same mom I had before the divorce. She had become a different person. I felt very sorry for her. It broke my heart how much we all lost.

Mental health destroys lives and relationships. It kills bodies and minds. And I don't think we see how often fear is behind depression. If someone is no longer speaking to you, it is probably due to fear. I know that my mental health has cost me dearly in the loss of people I love. They can't deal with you due to fear. You become too much work for them or you make them feel uncomfortable. It is easier to walk away. I am very fortunate to have people who love me unconditionally. But there are so many people out there who have lost so much due to their brokenness even when it is just a temporary brokenness. The world has become very closed off to people out of survival of their own mental health, understandably. However, we all need to keep in mind what we are doing by not loving and showing kindness to people who are suffering. And the ones who are suffering should know that sometimes people are afraid, not cruel.

WITH KNOWLEDGE THERE IS POWER

WITH KNOWLEDGE THERE IS UNDERSTANDING

WITH UNDERSTANDING THERE IS HEALING

WITH UNDERSTANDING THERE IS LOVE

Love to you

Shannon

Don't judge me

2024-04-11T13:17:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting on my front porch swing and it is a truly beautiful day. The breeze is amazing and the sun is shinning. I have the beauty of trees all around me and birds are singing. Then, on occasion, I can hear a rooster crow or an egg song being sung. At times you can hear the entire flock of chickens going off for some reason or another. They cry wolf so often, to their own detriment, and when you run out to see what is wrong it can sometimes be a butterfly in their area flittering about. So, at times we just get tired of going out, stay inside, only to find there was something actually wrong.

I am sometimes really hard on myself when it comes to the house and property. I start to look at it with my mothers eyes and hear her telling me what a failure I am at keeping it nice. I can hear my dad telling me to have Bruce fix this or that as if he is disgusted at us for letting it go. Why do I do that to my self? Are my thoughts true or just my interpretation.

I love to work on my crafts/art. The word crafts sounds like I'm making crocheted toilet paper covers. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I'm not sure why we think that. We all have something we love to do that is creative and it should always have a name to it that makes us feel good. So lets call it my art. I work on my art and I am at peace with the world, most days. At times I let the voice in the back of my mind tell me that I should be doing chores. And why do we use that word either? It should be another fabulous word for blessing our home and family. What is the requirement for the quality of our house cleaning? My mother used to clean so much and then yell at us to keep it nice. She was not able to enjoy us most days because the home had to be so perfect. She was raised that way. I, on the other hand, was a bit of a rebel when it came to keeping my room clean. I was creative, so my room was plastered with what I loved all over my walls and actually looked really cool. I don't spend a great amount of time stressing over perfection because I can't. In these years of being a human, I've learned that too much stress makes my body sick. I have learned to adjust my stress and have had fewer flairs and fewer days in bed. That has been a huge blessing.

Lately I have been letting the voice of the ego in my head get the better of me. I have been running stories through my mind that make my heart hurt all over again. Stories of feeling unloved by others. I think there is nothing worse than feeling like someone doesn't love you, feeling unwanted, feeling like you are no longer a part of the family or no longer speaking to you because they have false information. Most of my stories have that in common. When someone doesn't know the entire story because you didn't want to hurt them and tell them the rest. I finally just stopped trying to fix things with people I love that don't love me back or just don't like me or maybe just don't understand me. I've stopped trying to explain the misinformation. But it always seems to creep in and make me very sad here and there.

Yesterday I was thinking about my dad. He was a very complicated man. I was his little girl so I got to see sides of him that no one else did. I saw his sweetness and love and joy. Many of us saw how he battled frustration and anxiety that triggered in a moment and was not usually within his control, but then saw the sadness that followed. I am the communicator. I would get him on the phone and be totally honest with him. I'm not sure if anyone else did that. I remember telling my mom to tell him how she felt and she would say she didn't want to. I had a close relationship with my parents so I got to see it all and since both of them would talk to me about their issues, I got to hear it all. The interesting thing about my dad is that he rarely ever bad mouthed anyone. I was very very lucky to know him so well.

We are all so complicated. We all have the good and the bad. We just don't understand each other, or the life that we have lived, to make an accurate assessment of the situations that we fall into. For example... I once asked for a key chain. The person I asked thought I was asking for the keys. I kept trying to explain that I wanted the key chain not the keys. But they didn't hear me. They had set their mind on the fact that they thought I wanted something that they did not want to give me. Finally I said, "please just give me the key chain". They did, with a strange look. The key chain was from my very first car. I had unwrapped that key chain when I got my car ( a little $500 old Toyota corona) for a Christmas gift from my parents. I had lost the chain and didn't know my parents still had it. How cool that was to get such a cool part of my memory back.

Just a thought.... (And please read this with love) When we come into a difficult situation with our guard up, there is bound to be a lot of miscommunication. If we come into a situation with love... there is not. Love takes away all fear and judgement. Love allows everyone to be who they are without someone making assumptions. Love is the answer to every single problem there is in this world. Now when I say that you will have all these people who think, "oh Shannon... be real. Your delusional if you think the world will work if everyone loves each other... Please!" And I would say this. How do you know? Have you tried it? Are you quick to judge? Are you someone who likes to ball up a type of people and put a label on them? Do you say ugly things about this generation of people or that? If you do not walk in another persons shoes.. how do you know you aren't wrong? Do you, who have money, act like those who don't just manage it badly and that's why they struggle to pay their debt? Do you, who don't struggle with depression or auto immune disorders, tell those who do to just "get a job"? I always think we need to be careful how we treat others because it WILL come back to bite us in the butt.

My greenhouse is broken and my washing machine went out and my house needs love. So... I'm going to go work on crafts. No....I'm going to spend some time blessing my home and do some crafts in between that so that I have a day that I love. I refuse to spend every single day of my life cleaning the house just to do it again the next day and no have joy. So if you come by to visit. Don't judge me. I want to be happy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Loves

Shannon

PRETEND....

2024-01-25T10:57:00.007-06:00

I was dropping my husband off to get his car fixed and I was listening to news on my phone. It was so funny to listen to all the man made drama almost like little boys playing divide and concur. There was so much talk of running out of money for this and that and then some news about testing a new missile or something. I was thinking how funny that was to say you have no money but then spend thousands or more on testing a new missile. Then they had all this talk about the border and razor wire and keeping people out and I thought, "stay out of our sandbox!". Boys playing with their toys and not wanting those other kids to play, as if they are bullies not wanting to share. In the real world it is not play and there are many issues, but they ARE man made issues. They are immature issues of people who refuse to be nice. We don't want to see that. We want to think these are all issues out of our control as if we don't contribute, but we do. Or rather, those who like to play the game contribute.

I haven't watched or listened to the news in a long time. Many of the people I talk to also ignore the news. The fact of the matter is that we are now feeding off of the drama and making it larger. In some ways it seems so much larger than it actually is. The world is not all bad. It's just that all the people who love drama are the ones with the microphone. In reality, we all wake up and start a fresh new day with a lot of possibilities. There are so many good people. In fact there are probably so many more good people than bad people but they keep to themselves so you don't hear about their peaceful life. They are not addicted to the microphone.

For a little over a year now, I've been on a quest to figure out enlightenment. December 14th of 2022 I had a night when some switch flipped in my brain and woke me up to the illusion of the world we live in. I've been soaking up any information I can find, since then. I've been reading books and working with meditation and learning about energy and healing of the body. I'm fascinated with the information. It's not something everyone understand and I have had some eyes rolled in my direction. I'm sure I have some people who think I'm a bit nuts and that's ok. I actually wasn't sure I wanted to share what I'm learning. It is not within the boundaries of what we learn in religion. Religion likes to put God in a box and make Him easy to understand. It also wants us to fear God. I don't believe in fearing God. I believe God deserves our respect, but I also believe God is absolute, pure, unconditional, love. Fear is the opposite of love. So that doesn't work for me. God is CREATOR! We are all little sparks of God that are given the gift of experiencing life on Earth. You would think we would do a much better job of it.

I was given an example of what life should be like by reminding me of playing with my best friend Gina when we were little. We would be so excited to wake up and call each other to see if the other one could play. Then we would go to her house, because we weren't allowed to play inside my house, and we would say, "pretend.....!". Then we would play lava and Gina's little sister was the lava monster. We would play house and she was the baby. We would ride our bikes and play "Charlie's Angels" and pretend there was a mystery we had to solve. I have cassette tapes with us playing. They are so funny to listen to. We really had fun. It was one of the best times of my life.

LIFE IN THIS WORLD IS JUST A REALLY ELABORATE GAME OF PRETEND!!!

So today... What will you pretend?

Hugs, Shannon

Positive Mental Brain Work

2023-04-04T15:07:00.002-05:00

Oh the joy of blogging!

It is a beautiful Tuesday after noon. The chickens are going off all around me and the chihuahua is doing his regular complaining because the temperature isn't within his degree of comfort and neither is his kennel inside. He's about 17 years old going on 90. I have the movie "Julia and Julia" playing in the living room and I'm sitting on the front porch swing. The breeze is so nice.

I've been on a new path lately that has been a fun challenge. In an effort to create more peace in my thinking, I've been working on reading books by authors like Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, and Richard Rohr.

I had an evening in mid December, where my mind lit up to something I can't quite explain, but I knew right away it was what some people call enlightenment. It felt like a part of my brain snapped and I was suddenly given a new understanding. If you've ever heard anyone say something about it, you may have rolled your eyes a bit. It's what some people call that new age thinking, or it's that new spirituality thinking, or whatever. But it's actually more like the use of a different part of the brain. And...it's not new. If you look it up, a lot of very famous people we considered enlightened, including Einstein. It even has some part in the writing of the declaration of independence.

Most of the world has some belief in God even if they differ in some way. Our religious upbringing is a huge part of almost every decision made in our life, and yet we look at spirituality as some strange loopy idea that you get from some weed smoking tattooed hippie generation or a person who has "issues". (By the way... I wanna be one of them) :) I feel like God has so many things going on in our world that we would never be able to understand and living in the Spirit is one of the most amazing things anyone could ever be a part of.

If I were to ask you what you thought God wanted for you, do you think you would know?

Does He want you to suffer?

Does He want you to do well?

Does He want you to be successful?

Does He want you to heal?

Does He want you to be happy?

Now, what if I told you that your answer becomes your truth?

Do you think God loves you? If your answer is yes, then why would he WANT you to suffer? Your answer should be, "OF COURSE HE DOES!!!!" We are children of God. Do you want your children to suffer? No! Then why would you think God wants anyone to suffer. Do you want your child to learn? Yes. Do you want them to grow strong and able to live a good life? Yes.

We say that Joel Osteen is a feel good pastor. I can see how that may seem to be his message. But I'm starting to think that the world needs a bit more encouragement and I feel like that is what his message is about. Can we agree that no church has it all figured out and no pastor, for that matter? We need more positive energy in the world.

I'm learning that we cause most of our own suffering by the way we think. We see things as good or bad. A rainy day, a cloudy day, a hot day, and cold day... We have a judgement for each one. Why not just see them all as beautiful. A child who has autism, and child who is hyper, a child who is feisty, a child who is broken in spirit... are all beautiful. If we were to look at the beauty and love each day or each child, etc... before we judge, I think we would see things differently.

I am a super sensitive person which also makes me a very emotional person. This makes depression a regular event in my life, but I'm learning my way above that awful feeling, some days. I've learned that I can't live in the past or the future. I have to live in the present. I can think of special memories and people but I try to only look at the parts of those people that are love, because we are not what we do or say. There is a part of almost every person deep within that is love. Don't get me wrong, there are some people out there that may seem totally evil but, if you look really close, you may see that there is something more. I choose to see that. I'm working on it.

Where is God Part 2

2022-10-10T11:57:00.002-05:00

This was written over a month ago........

In my last post I was discouraged. Things had been overwhelming and it felt like I couldn't find God.

I couldn't see him in my life the way I have before.

I've gone through times where God is elusive, many times before. I know that it is not God that is elusive but me. So I prayed with a pleading heart that God would help with all that is going on. I prayed with that heart that almost hurts for God. I prayed in that desperate way that you do when your child is seriously hurt or sick. And then... you see God.

It always amazes me when He can finally reach me. It's like my phone line to him was too busy for him to get through. My mind was too full of all that was going on. And then there he was. At that moment I felt like He was helping me to see that life can change. Circumstances can change. Why do we think we are so powerless to change things? It may feel uncomfortable, but it is possible. We may need to make some difficult decisions, but it is possible. I am not one who believes that all things must be destroyed to make change. I don't need the ability to run away from life. I need to know that the parts of life that can change will change and God will help me. He will make a way.

Where is God? (part one?)

2022-08-05T13:20:00.003-05:00

It has been a hard few months, or rather years, for almost all of us.

I listen to my children talk about their lives and I listen to what friends are going through and my heart breaks for all of it. I look at my own life and I wonder where God is.

I know a lot of people don't believe in God because they feel like a loving God would not allow the suffering that they see and feel all around them. I think it is easier to believe that God does not exist. If they believe, then it's hard to understand. For a person who believes, they can get discouraged when God doesn't make Himself known and felt. We can feel abandoned. That is where I am now.

With everything that is going on in the world it feels like God is elusive. I can't find Him. I have felt His presence in my life so strongly at times that I know He exists. I never understand why He disappears. So many say He never disappears but that we just have so much going on, we can't see Him. We get too caught up in our own lives and He is waiting in the background. So, we pray in a pleading way, or we beg.

I ask myself what I am doing wrong. I have a truly blessed life. I have illness that makes that blessed life hard to enjoy many days, or most days. I try. I hope. I pray. I question myself. Am I just not strong?

To be continued.....

A step to polishing life...or completely taking it apart and putting it back together

2022-05-07T13:26:00.002-05:00

Gosh, I was just thinking about back when I started this blog. I had this great hope of helping people find their version of a beautiful life. I wanted to share my struggles and challenges and let others know they were not alone.

I wanted to share how life gives us some situations that are common to many but many don't talk about them, such as the challenges of depression, family struggles, the way the mind interprets things and makes them larger than they are. I wanted to walk through those things and help others to see that it worked out ok. If a friendship is lost or a relationship is strained, then maybe it's a necessary boundary for us to move on to better things.

Living Life Beautifully was an idea of taking what is not so pretty and taking steps to make it beautiful. I still believe it is possible in any life to make it beautiful.

So I'm going to admit that my life right now is chaos. Not so beautiful. It lacks time with my husband, it has put unimportant things first, it has collected a lot of clutter, it has increased our stress, it doesn't look pretty. It doesn't have community, it doesn't feel good, it is uncomfortable, but it is not a lost cause. It's foundation is strong, it's people are wonderful, it's in need of a good amount of work. I am willing and able and my Faith is strong.

My first step is to declutter....not just my home but my mind. I need good thoughts, less stuff, more time for friends and family, more joy, and a lot of prayer. I would love good health, and time to do things that spark my creativity. I'm tired of busy..

Talk to someone who loves you and tell them how your doing.

2021-11-17T12:32:00.002-06:00

It is almost Christmas!!! Can you believe it?

I have had an interesting November so far. Bruce and I started a program for my health. You get so desperate when you feel bad all the time. Sometimes it can feel like the life you have when you have an auto immune disease is not a quality life. It can feel overwhelming and frustrating because you can't do the things you love anymore. Se we reached out to someone who has a lot of the same things I have but her life is amazing. And we started a program that she does for a living. It's been pretty easy for us because we were only eating one meal a day due to my inability to eat and not crash.

I'm getting my house cleaner and my craft area is almost up and running and I have energy and I am terrified that it won't last. Lol! We've been on this journey once before with a coffee we were drinking and then they changed the product and it made me sick. So I am hopeful but nervous.

I don't think many people understand how hard it is to have an invisible illness. People can be blunt and almost rude with you because they think it's all in your head. And the fact that it affects women so much more than men, makes it even harder. I am grateful to have a husband who understands my illness because he went with me and had the doctor explain it to him. Not many men take the time.

I think we all have things that make life a little more challenging but sometimes life can feel unbearable and those who feel that way need love and support. My sister in law felt that way and every time I look at the things she made me or see something that has cats on it and want to buy it for her and add it to my box of things I had here to send her, my heart breaks. She was a precious person with a beautiful heart but her life was so very hard with depression and illness, that she actually disconnected from people including us. If you see someone starting to do that.... Please reach out to them and tell them how important they are. Tell them how loved they are and how their family will feel like there is a hole if anything happens to them. They truly need to know they are cherished.

I think of myself as a little girl often. I was a talker but always scared. My mom had OCD and our home had to be perfect and so did we. She spent so much time making her home and life look perfect that she missed out on so many thing. I used to sneak through the bushes and run to the neighbors house and spend the day because I needed someone to talk to that would SEE me. I needed someone to accept me for who I was with my ratty long hair and my 5 year old baby fat belly. So I had Betty. She was my heart. She taught me how to crochet and drink hot tea with cookies. She had a cat named Mitsy who was so much for to find and pet. I love Miss Betty FOREVER. I don't think she knows me right now because age has caught up with her. But I still love her for saving me.

My mom was beautiful. She loved being beautiful. She had a good heart. She also had OCD, anxiety, and some things happen in her life that made things feel a bit twisted up. She went through a late mid life crisis when my dad retired and would call me from the walmart parking lot crying because he had food in his beard and was always there in her home and she didn't want him there 24-7. That set off a mess of stuff that broke her and made her a different person. We talked about it when she was dying of cancer. She wished she could go back and do things differently because she felt she lost too much.

We all struggle. Sometimes it is crazy hard. Sometimes you need a margarita night with the girls once a month or maybe just a coffee group to talk. I have so many friends who are feeling so broken right now. I love them so much and I don't know what I can do to help, so I pray for them as much as I can. They are my family and my heart.

So, with Christmas coming... reach out to those you love and tell them how you feel. If they don't get it and say something stupid... Go to someone else and talk to them. Just because they don't get you, doesn't mean they are bad people. You have to find someone who understand what you going through. But find someone. Someone who loves you.

Hugs,

Shannon

Trying again....

2021-11-08T18:43:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a rough day full of bad memories and thoughts. People will tell you to just let it go but I've learned that you have to feel the bad stuff and work through it.

I blog about my thoughts.

I am a communicator. I talk a lot. I share because I always felt bad as a child and I wished someone would have saved me. I didn't like myself. I was bullied. I always had stomach problems from being nervous about having to deal with people.

I used to blog a lot more but some things happened that made me stop. So now I am incredibly nervous to share my thoughts. I have no enemies. I hate no one. I try not to talk about anyone. My issues are MY issues and I blog about non specific things most days. At times I have no idea what the subject will be about until I start typing. I share to my facebook page because I keep my friends list small and there are no threats there. I get about 5 or less people who read them and that's ok with me. So if your reading this or the last one I did, which I nervously deleted, and you find it offends you because maybe I'm talking about you.... Please stop reading my blog.

I'm not the type of person who goes to all my friends and bad mouths others. If someone doesn't like me then that's ok, just don't tell me. I have people who don't talk to me for whatever reason and that's ok. I can't be what everyone wants me to be.

I fear that one day I will be too sick to live a good life...... It is an overwhelming and scary thought, that I could be in a wheelchair or unable to get out of bed. And then I had a friend pass away who was my age with a husband and two young children. I have another who is getting a transplant to save his life. Life is so short, so get the tattoo.....

So, I'm gonna try this again. Thanksgiving is almost here and then Christmas. Be as kind as you can be to those you love. Try not to gossip about others because you don't know their full story. Don't hurt someone because your stressed or ticked off with your life. That's just my opinion. And God's.

I pray your November is blessed beyond measure.

What Does Your Life Look Like?

2021-10-25T17:30:00.003-05:00

I am taking a break from chores. I have a lot of chores. It's my own fault.

I think I am a border line hoarder. I love to surround myself with pretty things.

I love to do crafts, so I have a lot of supplies.

I love my birds, so I have a lot of them.

I love to garden, so I have a lot of plants and a huge garden that is full of stuff (not much that is edible).

I keep things that remind me of someone, or a story that makes me happy.

I keep things that are beautiful and make me feel good to look at them.

I love nature, trees, plants, deer, rabbits, wild flowers (God's Art).

I live in the center of a park like atmosphere. It is peaceful even with the noise of the chickens

and quail and dogs that seem to bark at everything that moves.

So last night we bought groceries online. This morning Bruce went to pick them up.

I have spent the entire day trying to find room in the refrigerators to put the things that need

to be kept cold or frozen. I did do some yoga in between the stress of that job.

We have people who come out to the property often to get birds and eggs. Each time

they say they love it here. We have had a couple of kids that say it's like a dream place

to live. Then you get that one person who says the place is overwhelming and we need to

downsize and get some help with the clean up. One person who's honest opinion makes you

think. There is this part of me that gets a little sad and then there is this part of me that looks

around and says "well duh"! Lol!

I came from a home where everything had to be perfect and clean and organized and you never

knew when your toys were going to be gone when you came home because mom sold them or

donated them. I wonder at times if it is part of my issue with keeping things.

My mom felt that beauty was everything. Perfection was her goal in life. It was put before

everything. My mom was my best friend. I was supposed to be like her. That was an impossible

task being who I am. I'm just not the type of person to need everything perfect and magazine like.

And yet, I have a beautiful home if you can see past the clutter. I am a great decorator behind the

clutter. I can make a home feel warm and cozy and amazing when it is not my own. Lol!

At the moment I am sitting on my front porch swing with plants all around me. I have a green

house in front of me and there is very little space to walk. Walking is overrated.

This space, in all it's cluttered form, is my favorite.

I wonder, some days, why I am the way I am. What happened in my life that made me this way?

Was I born to be like this? Did I learn it from my neighbor Betty who I adored and practically

raised me. Am I just so laid back that I don't care what my home looks like, most of the time?

Most of my clutter is amazing. Eggs from chickens and quail that fill the fridge, feathers that

are beautiful, fabric that has so much color and texture and possibilities, linens that make a room

feel warm and marshmallowy, plants that make air and food, books that lift me up or tell my

favorite stories, pictures of people I love, clothing that gives me the possibility of looking the

way I feel for the day, dishes and glasses and cups that make you feel special when you use them,

Birds that I breed and create, with Gods help, that look so cool. My garden is like art. My home

is like art. I am creative and artistic and easy going. I love to sit on a porch swing and gather

my thoughts. I've raised my children, been married almost 33 years, restored two homes and

added on to both with out own designs. We are thrifty, silly, loving, a bit nutty (the best people

are). We love God before all things and He is the foundation of our life.

I hope for myself to heal, be full of joy, live peacefully always as I do now, but always strive to

improve. I hope to be a blessing and always do nice things for those I love, avoid conflict, give

space to those I love but don't get me. I hope to be good, kind, gentle, loving.

I want to be told "well done good and faithful servant".

This last two years have been a challenge and heartbreaking in so many ways.

We have lost people we love so dearly. We think of their families and it pulls at our

hearts. A mother who loses a son, a family that loses and mother, father or friend. A sister

and wife who is forever gone. And we pray for them. That God is holding them and hugging

them and telling them they are precious.

Today is a good day of reflection. I am grateful that I am able to let go and love without all

the STUFF getting in the way. Tomorrow will be another day. Not sure what it will bring.

God keeps my heart peaceful most days.

I pray He keeps your hearts peaceful too.

Hugs Shannon

Chink!!!

2021-04-26T17:07:00.004-05:00

Can I pet your sloth?

This was said to me by a little boy that visited the farm and thought I had a sloth.

He asked me several time even though I told him I didn't have one. So he would say,

"or maybe your chihuahua then."

2021 hasn't been easier like we all thought. But I think we've all learned a few things.

We've learned that we can stay home with our spouse and children and still manage to keep

ourselves from exploding into a thousand pieces from stressing.

We've learned we are not as prepared as we thought we were and might need to make a few

changes.

We've learned to improvise, cook, find other solutions if we run out of TP.

I've learned that my faith in God is the most important thing in my life beyond all else.

When you miss someone you lost you hope for them, that they are in heaven. It becomes

the only thing that matters when they are gone. I understand that life is not short like we

always say. Life is long and we are only going through the labor pains.

I am confident that I will get to spend my life in Heaven and what I do here just earns me

gold coins in my little heavenly can. What ever happens to me that feels bad, "chink" into

my little can. Life is not fair. It's not going to be. Heaven is when all things are made right.

So every day I get up and do my best. I have been blessed to have a couple of weeks of

visitors to our farm that have been so much fun. And then I've lost some favorite hens and

we may lose our little boy cat named Greta in the next few days too. I did my best to love

and care for them as well as I could. "Chink" My life is chaos. I work crazy hard as does

my sweet husband. On occasion we get to be generous. I love this life even as temporary

as it is, not because it is perfect or I think it should be, but because it has molded me to be

the person that God intended. I do nothing unless God gives me peace about it. I love it

because God gave me this life and all that is in it. I get to learn and have adventures that,

when you actually stop and look at them, are so cool even if they are imperfect or challenging.

The bible has started to open up and I understand more and more. Each time I read it, it is

a new experience with new information.

When your day seems hard and you start to feel that depression kicking in... pray for someone's

salvation. It always make the bad stuff run away like you set it's butt on fire.

Don't forget to put some gold coins in your can. Chink!!!

Believing in the storms

2021-02-02T14:36:00.002-06:00

I'm listening to music from a Texas country artist we plan on interviewing Friday, and I have a glass of wine sitting next to me. The music is great. My brain is numb from too much to think about and do. It is soothing to hear.

My sister in law is in the hospital and it doesn't look like she will make it without a miracle. I pray and I cry thinking about her. I imagine her lying in the hospital bed with everything connected and my heart breaks.

We have lost so many people in the last year. I miss my dad. I miss my Brinkley. I will miss my Sister in law if she goes to be with God. I know she loves God. That gives me such peace.

I know Heaven exists. I can feel it as if it is a part of me. It is a light that lives inside my soul. I pray all the ones that I love will be there when it is their time. It does not make losing others painless but it does make losing those who you love and know love God so freeing because you know they are With God In Glory. I cheered for my mom at the end because her life was so hard for so many years at the end and her pain was so bad. Everyone looked at me like I was nuts. But I know! I can feel that Glory in my bones! I knew that I was NOT the only one cheering.

This world is not meant to be easy. It is a blink of the eye filled with life lessons and being molded like clay. Choosing to be someone like me who Loves God the way I do, feels embarrassing for some. Never for me. I will dance and sing to give my Father the Glory He deserves. I may not understand everything he does. I may even get angry and incredibly frustrated, but I will always Love Him.

Soft heart that annoys (revised)

2020-09-12T10:27:00.006-05:00

I read this blog post and decided I didn't want to say what I said.

I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell you how I'm really feeling.

But it does no good.

It may resonate with someone else, but it doesn't make any difference.

It's doesn't help anyone to get through anything any easier.

We have to walk through our crap.

People tell you what they think of you by their actions.

I told my cousin that my soul is tired. That is so accurate.

I'm still mourning my dad.

I'm sad that he knew he was dying and didn't tell us.

He was alone with that and I wish he would have told me.

I'm sad that my family can't handle being around me because I frustrate them.

Right after I was told my mom was dying of cancer, I had someone tell me something

that my mom said about me that was so very ugly. And this person doesn't realize that

Those words will stick with me for the rest of my life. Every day I will remember.

Words and actions can imprint on your soul forever.

I pray I have never said words that broke a heart. If I did... I hope I have said I'm so very sorry.

That won't take them away. But I will pay for them. or already have.

Now with my dads passing... we start all over. I am the burden.

Never a good feeling.

So... I will walk through my crap.

I will, some day, come out on the other side and be ok.

I will keep praying and trying to be a good person and fail over and over.

I will find my joy even if it is the goal of others to make me feel beneath them.

I will not make a show of a fake perfect life when it helps no one to do so.

Pull on those rubber boots and walk through your crap. Hold someone else hand

so neither of you slip. And if you do slip and get crap all over your butt.

Laugh together.

Hugs

Shannon

Dad

2020-07-21T20:29:00.000-05:00

This week has been so crazy.
I was up all night thinking about my dad and trying to brain storm on the good things he did during my childhood. As children we were scared of him, so it's easy to go into all the negative stuff and stay there. But I was lying in bed thinking about how he worked every day and almost never called in sick. I was thinking about how he would become a totally different person when we went to the coast every year and would make breakfast for all of us outside on his green Coleman gas stove.
I was thinking about how he taught us to fish and was incredibly patient with that job. I thought about how he kept my bike tires and Gina's bike tires inflated and how he built my bike from an old bike that was my oldest brothers. He painted it green attached a banana seat, a flag a basket and a radio. I was thinking about how he let us sit in the old cars he reworked and showed us how to do things in the shop like making glasses out of coke bottles. He taught us about our cars and made sure we locked them each night.
He kept the house repaired and when my mom wanted a roof over the back porch or a swing or a garden or a dove cage, or a screened in porch or glass in her cabinet doors, or a new car, or a wall taken out... she got it.
He always smelled like cologne.
When my mom was in the bathroom putting on her makeup, he ALWAYS went in and gave her a kiss and grabbed her in the bottom or the top so she would say, "Jerry!"
He bought me a classic car, worked on it so it would run well and had it painted for me as a Christmas gift. He worked on a white pinto for Scott and Scott drove it forever.
He took Scott and his friends to the coast in the travel trailer. He and Mom both worked hard to make sure our coast trip was nice and Scott and his friends had fun. Those boys got to do anything they wanted.
Dad would fix everyone lawn mowers.
He helped Bruce and I with both our houses, built 10 windows for out old house and several doors.
One day I told him I would love an oval glass door and the next thing I know he is asking me to come out to the garage to look at something and see if it's what I had in mind. There was the oval glass door. He turned all of the 6 inch spindle posts for our house and rebuild all the gingerbread trim, he and Bruce refinished and installed our ceilings. He found me a 6 foot footed tub, rebuilt our front porch with Bruce and replaced wood floors.
He and mom went on travel trailer trips with us and spoiled their grandchildren.
He woke me up in the morning for school during high school and he and I made egg muffins and then he dropped me off to school in his orange truck. I made him drop me off at the corner because the truck was orange. Lol!
When I was little I would slap the center of his huge hand and he would try to catch it.
These are the things I'm going to choose to think about. Not any of the bad.
I will say I am a Daddy's girl because I will choose to think on these things.

Flower Child

2020-05-21T16:13:00.002-05:00

It feels like a very long time since I've posted on my blog site.
I journal quite a bit in books or on scrap paper when things are simple or incredibly difficult.
That sounds so strange.
In the last few weeks everything feels strange.
Life has been so different.
I feel like it's been a challenge to marriage,
an eye opener to where we spend our time,
and a test of patience.

Along with many other things during this time,
We had three, or so, days of crazy heat, and in those days we had no AC.
I ended up sick, things became overwhelming, and tensions were incredibly high.
So many things on your mind....
We were worried about my dad, my sister in law, and informed we couldn't see our
son who is in the Air Force.
The months have been so much harder on others who
were sick or unable to be with loved ones who were sick and worse.
How do we wrap our minds around what others have endured.
I pray a lot. And then I pray some more.

I always have a rough time from may 5th to june 5th.

I always forget why. And... then it clicks. During that time I was with my mom while she

died of cancer. I still get angry about how everything went. And then

I tell my heart to forgive. And then I tell my heart to forgive again...…..

Every few years I feel like I want to reinvent myself.
Do new things.
Learn new things.
Find myself.
Not sure what the heck that means.
I'm not much into doing that at the moment.
I feel like I just need to figure out how to live.

When you have children you form a schedule. Everything has a time and a place.
You form friendships and bonds with people who have children the same age and you
get involved in the school or church or sports.
When the kids leave home you think, "now I have time for me".
Nope! For some strange reason you create a life just a chaotic as before the kids left home.
Why do we do that?
Then we get older, more tired, less mobile. We fall down more.
We forget more. We are no longer stepping on legos…. we're just walking out of our
shoes or tripping on air. The hair gets grey, the face drops and you can't hold your bladder.
This sounds like someone in their 80's but no... I'm almost 50.

I think I've just decided to stop thinking.
I want to be a flower child without the weed.
I'm tired of grumpy faces and worry.
I want to dance in the kitchen more and let the house grow vines on the walls.
I want to be the crazy lady in her 30 year old wedding dress feeding chickens.
LOLOLOL!!!
No but seriously.
I need more time to just let the stress go, paint my nails, braid my hair, read a book,
drink beer with smoked gouda cheese on the front porch swing with candles and jazz
music in the background. I need to twirl in a pretty skirt "only enough to keep from getting
dizzy"...... three seconds max.

The world is changing.
What will you do with it?

My brain keeping me awake

2019-11-29T04:40:00.001-06:00

It's that season again.

The season of excitement and yet fear of upsetting family.

Fear of grumpy dad. Fear of saying the wrong thing.

Fear of being considered lacking.

It is the one part of my life that I fail most.

It is my most sensitive time where I let things get to me.

This is my mind speaking to me as I try to sleep.........

Do you ever feel like no matter how you live your life, you can't do anything right?

(It's almost 3 in the morning and I haven't been able to stay asleep, if I've slept at all.)

(My mind continues to speak)

I've been laying here re assessing my life from the opinion of others.

I don't ask for anything......

I take care of my family, raised my children, pay my bills, love my husband.

We have chosen a life that is simple. We don't go on big vacations, we have older cars, we have an old home that we restored and built ourselves along with two other homes our children live in. We've been dealt a flood, we've had illness, I've had my parents divorce and my mom's death crush me....along with other things most people don't know about.

I love my dad, adore my boys who I am so proud of, I adore my brothers and their families, and make a big deal about their work, and homes, and cars.

I'm not jealous of anyone. I love my life. It is nothing fancy.

I grow a garden, raise chickens, make crafty things, manage a home while my husband manages several businesses. We volunteer at church, donate eggs, and most of all Love God.

I realize in the last many years that I've been called spoiled, I've been told my illness is all in my head, I've been told that I should go on vacations, I've been told I should get a job (not so nicely), I've been told I have too many birds, that I have too much crap in my house, when depressed that I should just be happy. When my son joined the military I've had people that judged me for letting him join.

I've been kicked out of a church band, and therefore church, for trying to defend someone.

I've been judged for not having a close relationship with my mom after her divorce, but never asked why so I can explain.

I've been judged on the man I married and how many children I've had.

In the opinion of some people....what I do is strange.

In the opinion of some people......I'm doing it wrong.

I'm supposed to be the person that they say I should be.

I should have a job and work even though I don't feel well. I should go on vacations with the money I make at the job that I work while I'm sick, even though it's not my thing and I don't feel well. I should magically be happy when I'm depressed. I should live in a perfect little house that I rarely see because I'm working. I should change who my husband is because he's not doing life right. I should change who I am because I'm not who I'm supposed to be.

My husband and I aren't doing it right.

We should change our life to make everyone happy.

We shouldn't say anything accidentally to upset anyone.

We should not be strange and raise chickens and make kombucha, and blog, and make videos, and have a radio station, and have a lawn care business. My husband should get a REAL job.

We should sell everything we have and buy a nice cute little new perfect home with no clutter, both go to work all day so we can afford the house and vacations and a new car. My husband should cut his hair, get a real job and I should pretend to not be sick and work anyway.

Does everyone's brain work this way or just mine?

My husband would say, "just don't talk about your illness and chickens and stuff".

Isn't that what you do with family? You want their love and support. They talk about their lives and you love on them and praise them for the accomplishments. You talk about your life and they look at you like your grew a third eye.

Gosh..I really love my husband and my life and my children and my family.

I really wish other people felt the same way.

I really don't want to change EVERYTHING to make them happy.

Why does the mind want so desperately to have that love and validation that you are acceptable?

God guides my life...

He is the only one I need to impress.

So...go away needy thinking.

I've got no use for you.

Shabby Chic

2019-11-18T16:01:00.001-06:00

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I look at is the window to see if the sun is shining.

I try to guess the time. I listen to Skuttles crowing. I tell God thank you, unless I forget.

I have an app on my kindle called youversion. I can read my daily bible reading and devotionals that I have chosen. I almost done with reading the bible in a year although I wasn't as consistent as I should have been so it took me more than a year.

I get up, get dressed, hit the bathroom to brush my teeth and all that stuff, and then I head into the kitchen for my tea or coffee routine. I look forward to opening my laptop to make a video or blog something. God made me a talker. I love to talk. I love to learn. I love to listen and get so excited that I interrupt all the time. My mind is always searching for new information and ways to do better.

I'm reading and studying the things around me. I try to regrow things and hatch special birds, and create things.

I spent a great amount of my life trying to be what everyone needed. I think I wanted to save everyone and everything. It has taken years for me to understand who I was.

I'm enjoying learning who I am now.

I'm slowing myself down and taking time to understand what I love and who I am.

I talk a lot because my mind has so much to say.

I love a lot because I've always found the good in things.

I get depressed because I'm hard on myself.

I can get sad because I think of myself as a little girl who had a lot of bad things happen and I wish I

could go back and protect that little girl. She was cute. I think of how I would have adored her.

I am creative.

I love to write.

I love without conditions.

I think of myself as a little shabby chic.

11-4-2019 Video Diary

2019-11-04T09:58:00.001-06:00

Woke up on the right side of the bed... but now I want to punch something.

2019-11-02T11:24:00.000-05:00

I've got to get myself in a better mood.
You know those mornings when you have your brain set on auto pilot and you know what you want to do and someone keeps throwing stuff at you while your trying to think?
You haven't had your coffee yet and a part of your brain is wanting to tell everyone to go away and stop talking. You are a nice person but if they don't walk out of the room right now, your going to say something that is not so nice.
Your working on something and your being interrupted.
That is me right now.
How to get myself out of that mind set.
Can I just go back to sleep?
Do I need wine? It's a bit early for that.
Do I need to go outside in the cold and walk it off?
I feel like mean person right now.

The things you love

2019-10-26T11:21:00.003-05:00

Good Morning.
I am, at the moment, sitting in my Livingroom with my Christmas tree all decorated and Christmas music playing in the background. It's October.
Yes, I am one of THOSE PEOPLE.
There are quite a few things going on at the house recently.
We are trying to transition to a more calm less mess environment.
We are trying to become organized and give the place a bit more peace.
When you live in a house for several years, it slowly become more and more cluttered and you don't see it. You hang this here and that there and finally you have 25 bunches of dried flowers hanging all over the place and many more little knick knacks here and there.
I did not notice until I looked at some pictures that came up while searching for craft photos.
It was like looking at a nice relaxed clean version of my home and got me looking around a bit.
I will never be a minimal person. I will always have a lot of things.
I can do with a little less. So today, while my husband works on the front porch screen in project, I'm going to do my laundry and see if I can clean some spaces up a bit.

I went to a doctors appointment earlier in the month.
We talked about my fibro and how I felt like I was losing everything I enjoyed in life.
I was no longer able to fit in the things I loved because I only had a few good hours in a day.
She said I have to figure out how to do the things I love.
She told me to rearrange my life to make the things I love to do a priority at least some days.
So that, and changing my diet, and meditation, and motivational reading, and lots of prayer....
are my focus. I will be adding time with friends and family. I'm going to work hard towards the goal of reinventing a great life one step at a time.
And.....I'm going to enjoy my Christmas tree and everything that goes along with that holiday,
while not skipping the other holidays.
I want three months of Christmas.
It makes me happy!!!

What do you do that you love?
Hugs Shannon

Growing and Giving

2019-10-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

My home is chaos.
Between me only having a few hours a day that I can do anything,
and my husband having so much on his plate with a full time job,
and many little challenges along with the way with animals making mess,
It is absolute chaos.
I have to think of it as beautiful chaos.
I have a home, a husband, 4 beautiful boys, food, clothes, animals, and I am breathing.
My heart is beating and my family is healthy.
I was listening to something the other day about how we make ourselves unhappy.
It asked you to make a list of the areas in your life you are happy with and why.
Then it asks you to make a list of the areas you are unhappy with and why.
When you do this and look at the lists you will find that the things your are happy
with fit the blueprint of what you think life is supposed to be.
The things your unhappy with do not fit the blueprint.
You feel like your failing in that area.
Hmmmm…..
So, what do you do?
You change the blueprint.
You change your story.
We were all raised with the blueprint. Husband, children, house, car, good job,
clean house, fancy car, vacation every year, cook dinner every evening, be the PTA
mom, do it all perfectly like the "woman of noble character" in the bible, etc....
What if you changed the blueprint?
What if you totally accepted YOUR VERY OWN blueprint.
What if you worked on your own blueprint instead of the one we are felt we
had to achieve.
At the beginning and the end of the audio it said Growing and Giving are what makes you happy.
Growing and Giving.
Every day feed your mind with good things.

Today I'm doing laundry.
Exciting!!!
I don't mind it actually. I'm blessing my husband and myself by doing it.
Let's see how much I can accomplish. Whatever it is... it will be enough.
Hope everyone has a great Monday.
Hugs
Shannon

2019-10-13T10:14:00.001-05:00

Friday after our Radio Morning Show, we noticed that our wild duck flew away.
He's done this before. This morning I went outside to find him in the duck coop on his shelf
with his food. I guess he must have come back after I went to bed and when my husband went and
let him in the coop so he could eat. Funny little duck.
Bruce said he showed up at about 6:12 AM.

I haven't been on the computer much. I'm still working on trying to feel good enough to stay
on my feet for a good amount of time. I finished my cleans and then kept up with eating only fruits and veggies. If I eat anything else I seem to get sick. Go figure.
I have an appointment this next week. Hopefully she will give us some answers.

It's so nice and cool outside. I wish it would stay like this until spring.
It makes you want to build a fire in your wood stove.
I love this time of year. I enjoy being out in it but not a fan of the allergies.

Last night I was doing a lot of reading about positive thinking. It was in a book that
was one of those free prime reading books on my kindle. It talked about imaging.
It talked about wanting something and creating the image in such detail in your mind that
it feels like it's already there. It talks about praying as if you already have it.
It's not really about material things as much as quality of life things.
It's kind of fascinating.

I've been trying to learn new and fascinating subject from documentaries to books about
different people. I even started reading "pride and prejudice". I can't remember the last
time I read a classic novel.

My goal is to get my house clean and pretty again. It has been a really difficult task.
I've got two rooms that look good. The rest look like a tornado hit them.
I miss crafting. I can't even see my craft table. When you don't get to do the things
you love... it creates a really big gap in your life.
I am a work in progress.

Praying everyone has a blessed Sunday.
Hugs Shannon