Living Life to the Full...

The Middle Day...

2012-04-07T11:12:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was Good Friday

The day Jesus was crucified on the cross

The day He asked God to forgive us all

The day He broke the separation between us and God

The day that we become clean and pure and sinless as Jesus became dirty and covered in our sins

The day when the world experienced genuine unconditional love.

Back 2000+ years ago when this happened the following day was the Sabbath - so nothing should be done, all work stopped. I cannot imagine people's thoughts did though.

I have never really thought about this 'middle day' before. I think a lot about Good Friday, and I go through a mixture of emotions of guilt for my sin, and joy knowing I'm free and loved and forgiven. Then you have Easter - Sunday - the day Jesus rose from the dead just as He promised - pure Hope! Evil didn't win, God used Jesus' crucifixion to save the world to bring freedom and He won.

But what about the 'middle day'?!

What would of people thought today? Guilt - for killing Jesus, for being a close friend and betraying Him? Pleasure? Confusion? Excitement or doubt about if Jesus would really rise from the dead like He said? Grief? Numb? Scared? So many possible emotions.

What would I have thought that day if I was there?
It's hard to really know, as I know the end of the story - I know that Jesus has victory...

"He has risen from the dead"

I sit here Thankful, so thankful for Jesus and His obedience to God. I am sitting here thankful, but with a twinge of guilt for knowing that I do not always try my best, that I get it wrong, that I am not always trying to be as Christ-like as I should....and I feel that with that I ignore the Cross sometimes - not on purpose, but I forget what Jesus has done, and what that means for me. I don't give it the significance 'it' deserves. My life doesn't always reflect the work of the cross - I don't feel I live in the freedom of its love, forgiveness, power, freedom. (I hope this all makes sense to everyone....it does it my head!)

So in this middle day I will remember and pray that everyday I will remember the amazing love that was shown for me on the cross through the horrific pain and death of Jesus. I will try and walk in the freedom that I have because of Jesus.

So many more thoughts...

Discipline

2012-02-10T11:13:00.000+00:00

I don't know many people, if any, that look at the word discipline and think majorly happy thoughts.

This is not my favourite word...but something I really want to achieve in my life.

I want a more disciplined life.
Writing that sentence and then re-reading it, my first thought was 'that sounds boring'. Please don't get me wrong I do not want a boring life, and I don't think a disciplined one has to be. I am hoping that by being more disciplined in certain areas of my life....I will find more freedom and more time to live fully.

I feel over the last year God has been teaching me to be disciplined and trusted in the small...so I can grow and become disciplined and trusted in the bigger things. It reminds me of the passage in the Bible in the book of Matthew were Jesus shares the parable of when a master gives his slaves three different amounts and basically returns to see what they have done with it....
What had they done with what they were entrusted with?

Well for me my health is a big thing....I have struggled with my health a lot, and it leads me to thinking about how God tells us that Jesus dwells within us and we are a Temple (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
God has blessed me with this body....what am I doing to look after it? (so it goes back to the first passage I mentioned....you following my thinking?!)

So....back to my original point....discipline!

I want to be more disciplined with what God has given me...God has given me this body - what am I doing to look after it?! God has given me gifts and talents - How am I using them?

Well I was kicked up the butt majorly when I went to the opticians two weeks ago and asked if I had been wearing my glasses...I had not....well the consequence: having to get a new stronger prescription! That is not looking after my eyes - I have been blessed with the ability to see and I abused it.
Discipline One: Wear my glasses when I should.

I have never been the slimmest person....and well being over weight is not healthy - it doesn't honour God. I want to be in the best shape I can be, so I can do what He wants me to do.
Discipline Two: Eat healthy and exercise more

I have a lack of B12 in my system, which means I get tired quicker...so I have learnt that I sometimes need to say no to things, and make sure I have enough sleep, but I also should take supplements to help.
Discipline Three: Take B12 tablets and not burn the candle at both ends.

As a Christian I am always wanting to build my relationship with Jesus, to grow closer to Him, to learn more about Him and grow my Christ-like everyday, but that takes time, and taking time out of my life to worship Him, read my Bible, and spend time with Him.
Discipline Four: Take more time out to spend with Jesus, daily.

Ok....there are probably a million more things I should be disciplined with - but here are four that stick in my head. (I have a fifth one - but that will be temporary as it is about job hunting/application form filling....which I will do once I have finished this post!)

This post has been hard to write - its hard I think to be honest in areas were we fail or not as good as. I am hoping that being honest about it, and telling the world that it will encourage me to be more disciplined, knowing that it is a good thing, and it might not be easy and will be a struggle some days (especially to go running in this freezing weather!!)...but I want to do this.

I want to be a more disciplined person in my life...I don't want to live my life with a body that is never at its best, or procrastinating about doing things on my list of jobs, or wasting time instead of spending it with Jesus, or not using the gifts I have been given.

I will not waste the gift of life I have been entrusted with.

My Bucket List

2012-02-08T22:43:00.000+00:00

Have you seen the movie 'The Bucket List'?

It is about how these two men are going to die and they write a list of the things they want to experience, see, achieve...well before they 'kick the bucket'...die.

I have never written one...but I have heard myself often say...I want to do this or that before I die.

I have spent the day looking at jobs, and I was about to get into bed and my head just became full of the realisation of where my life will go next, what will I achieve, what new things will I experience, what things will I learn - I have so many potential options for myself, I have so many desires, dreams and passions.

In one hand I want to settle down and get a 'normal' (mine will not be a 9-5 and it is most likely with young people so it certainly wont be dull!) job but in the other I want to go out into the world and hang out with street children and reflect the love of God to them while playing Uno!

I don't know how long I will live...sounds morbid right!? But its a reality to us all, and well however cheesy this sounds...I want my life to count, I don't want to waste it, I want to live my dreams.

So I have decided to write down some of the 'things' I would like to do in my life...

1. Hold a monkey
2. Do more teaching
3. Build a well in Africa
4. See/visit ALL the continents of the world, yes all seven!
5. Go to an ice hotel
6. Return to Brazil
7. Help someone reach their full potential in life
8. Get married and be a good wife
9. Be healthier and slim
10. Have my own children
11. Throw a dinner party
12. Run a marathon
13. See a miracle
14. Adopt a child
15. Learn to live in confidence of who I am in Christ
16. Have my own home and decorate it
17. Be fluent in a second language
18. See the 'natural wonders' of the world and marvel at the Creators creation
19. Read the Bible cover to cover (and understand it more!)
20. Ride an elephant and camel
21. Lead someone to know Jesus as their Saviour
22. Sleep under the stars for a night
23. Continue to study in some shape or form
24.

A list of some quite random things...A few times I nearly wrote things that are my dreams, but I had already done them - which is really exciting!! I am sure my list will grow (since writing this I have added three more already!!) ....so I finish this post with excitement for the future!

What is on your 'bucket list'??

Six months ago...

2012-02-02T12:40:00.007+00:00

Six months ago I was on a plane flying back from Brazil.

I remember being so numb in some ways that day - not really registering that I was leaving Brazil, that I would not wake up at the Lighthouse the following morning, or see the people I have been living with. I didn't really sink in that I would be seeing my family in X number of hours, and meeting my niece for the first time. It was so real, yet I don't think I took much in, I feel I was on auto-pilot in some ways.

I do remembering reading the Gospel of Matthew on my flights, and getting excited by the life of Jesus and knowing that I was in His hands and He knew the plans for my life, even when I had no clue...

Six months ago my life changed a lot...

I write this post with sadness, that I have loved and then lost that love, something that once was is no longer...

I write this post with wounds in my heart, but knowing that they are healing. I look back with sadness (and tons of other emotions!) but not focused on the 'what ifs' or 'should haves'.

I thank God for my time in Brazil, and will continue to walk out losing in a way part of my life, I need to 'lay to rest' Brazil...and I guess with anything/anyone that you love and loose there will be times when it hurts, when you cry, when you miss things, when you occasional dwell on the past and wonder what it would be like now if you never lost....Isn't that part of the grieving process?!

But I don't want to just focus on what happened six months ago.

I want to Thank God for what has happen in the past six months...

Thank you for my family and meeting and getting to know my niece Bella
Thank you for my Church and my extended family
Thank you for my time in Brazil and the experiences I had
Thank you that I have been able to share with others about the work you are doing in peoples lives there
Thank you for teaching me more of who you are
Thank you for this period of rest and recovery
Thank you for my improved health
Thank you for your abundant provision
Thank you that you love me regardless where I am in the world or what I am doing
Thank you for my friends and meeting up with people

Thank you in advance for the next six months....who knows where You will lead me...

Things I like...

2012-01-31T14:01:00.000+00:00

Recently I have had lots of time to relax and do different things and I have been visiting people that I met in Brazil but live in the UK. It has been a crazy busy time - but also really relaxing at the same time!

During this time I have done things I enjoy...hanging out with friends, playing games, making cards and being creative, seeing new things, hanging out with my niece.

I found in the past that I hated the question - what do you do to relax, or things that you enjoy doing? I found it hard to answer - but it is such a simple question right!?

I never really have a 'hobby' as such, or just one particular thing I really enjoy doing....but reflecting over the last 3 weeks I have done plenty of things I like to do! I am certainly going to try and continue them too...I am even going to try and learn some new things - but that will be a whole other blog post when I actually get round to starting them!!

Here are some pictures of what I have been up to...

Rachel and I at Giants Causeway - real fun time. Got to do some road tripping too which I love!

Creating things....I am going through a phase of wanting to do Origami and I am also scrap booking my time in Brazil - so lots of creativity in my life at the moment! I suppose under this section I would add that I am enjoying cooking - actually making meals or dishes from scratch, definitely going to be doing more of that in the future!

Games! I love playing games....this is one of my favourites (it is called Ticket to Ride - and I completed said it was rubbish before I ever played this game...I just saw the trains and thought how could a game about building tracks be good!!) and I played it lots in Brazil - Thank you Ward family for introducing it to me. I got to play this game when I visited them too in my weeks of adventures :0)

Looking after my niece Bella - I love it! I would say more but I am going to be doing a blog post on her soon as its her first birthday this Thursday!!

I finish this post with a glad heart - a joy, feeling so blessed and thankful for my life. I have had a really awesome time finding joy, fun and love in my life. I hope this will encourage you to step out from the stresses (for me finding a job!) of your life, and connect with friends, family and do something that you enjoy...and if you don't know what you would find fun - try lots of new things!!

2012-01-22T21:45:00.000+00:00

Just after publishing the last post about understanding and basically handing my over the control to God and to trust on His understanding and plan for my life...this song came on - thought it was a real good one to mark this step of surrendering to God....so thought everyone should hear it too!

Here are some of the lyrics that really stand out to me...

"There is no place that I would rather be, than here at Your feet, laying down everything...

All to you I surrender. Everything, every part of me"

Understanding...

2012-01-22T21:21:00.000+00:00

In my life I feel I search for understanding in things - I want to make sense of situations, events, choices, peoples words or responses, I strive to find logic in things that just don't make sense in my head.

Why did that happen the way they did?
Why did the person say that or do that?
How is that possible to achieve this?

Why, What, How, When, Where, Why?

At the moment for me...my life makes NO sense! I don't really understand the path I am walking. I don't understand my body and how some days its great and I don't feel tired, and others well I fight to stay awake (but this is becoming less and less - YAY!) I don't understand fully what steps to take next, or what I am fully capable of, I don't know if I should take a part time job to see how I do or just go for it and look for a full time job, I don't know what job to do, I don't know if/when I will go back to Brazil.

Everything for me at the moment seems unknown. I don't have understanding of my situation - and I guess by having understanding you have some level of control over your life.

In my head I am craving understanding, and for things to make sense.

Well God wants to teach me something else...

Some friends of mine saw a job and thought of me...
It's a youth worker position in a Church, 3 hours from my home, Full time

This was going against everything I thought was logical for my life - my understanding of what would be best for me...It would be getting fully involved in ministry again, it's far from family, friends my home, and its full time work - for me I was thinking a job not in Christian ministry straight away, staying at home to save money but also have that comfort of being home too, and well part time work to see how I do, as I have not worked for a while.

I prayed about it.

I got verse 5 in Proverbs 3...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding"

I have had that verse SO often....I was like I know God - I need to trust you. But when I thought about it more - the focus needed to be on the second part of the verse - 'do not depend on your own understanding'.... I was seeking for logical, what I thought was right, I was trying to live and direct my life by what I understood....

So now... I am trying to not understand everything, to find reason or logic, because well I don't think God fits into those boxes....and I don't think our lives should if we have Christ at the centre directing them. I want to live a full life, and with my understanding I think it would be limited (especially compared to Gods!)

So I am stepping out of my boxes of 'I know what's best for my life' and 'Everything needs to make sense' and "I need to understand it' to trust God and trust Him and not depend on my understanding...

I am excited to see where this adventure will take me!

2012-01-03T10:47:00.000+00:00

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you"

This is from Deuteronomy 31:8...what an excellent promise to hold onto as we step into a new year.

For me this gives me a peace within me, and confidence knowing that I am not alone and that God - creator of the universe is with me at all times, through all things. It gives me confidence to do things, to not be afraid, to continue to seek my God-given dream. It reminds me to 'think big' - God does not have small plans for each of us...they are beyond what we imagine and we can only achieve them when we seek God and walk in the truth of His promises.

Really having faith and belief that God's promises are true is just so freeing. It gives me an indescribable peace, joy, hope, certainty, happiness and more within me.

Thank you Lord for your promises :-)

Who is King?

2012-01-02T00:11:00.000+00:00

I feel I should do the typical New Year post, reflecting over 2011 and writing about what I would love 2012 to achieve....I am not going to. I have spent SO many hours reflecting. But I also step into 2012 with lots of uncertainty and having no clue what the year will hold.

Today in church we looked at the passage in Matthew 2. It was about the Magi (wise men) who followed the star, which marked the birth of a new king.
They followed the star and found a baby - Jesus. They worshipped Him as King.

The first Sunday in every month is a 'generations service' ... so geared for everyone and the children stay in through the whole service. In the service we looked at how the Magi knew Jesus was King - and they responded by worshipping Him.

We then looked at how this effects us. How do we respond?

The response was practical. Every member of the church made a crown. Declaring on it, that 'Jesus is King' or 'Jesus is King of my life' and other similar phrases.

Then the questions were posed...
Do you trust Jesus to direct your life? Do you want to put Jesus first, put Him as King of your life? Do you want to focus your 2012 on Jesus and living for Him? (perfect date to have this service on!)

A song was played and as a sign that people wanted to make Jesus king of their lives, they were asked to place their crown on their head...

What a beautiful sight nearly 150 people with crowns on their heads....declaring they are going to do their best each day to let Jesus be King of their lives....

So I step in 2012 with no clue what will happen, or what I want to achieve out of the year.
But I step into 2012 with Jesus as King of my life....so I know it will all be OK.

Dear Matt...

2011-12-29T10:22:00.000+00:00

I am writing you this letter as a 'Thank you' to you and how you impacted my life.

I am doing it on my blog because you effected my thinking, you made me think beyond my life, you stirred up my passion in life to not be luke-warm...and I think other people need to know to.

You don't know me Matt, I had a friend text me and ask me to join your Facebook group to pray for you. I started following your blog posts and reading the past ones too. I read the messages on your wall. There was no denying that you were loved and loved people too.

My name means Light (Sun Star) and God over the years has really challenged me to be that light to others. Well you have been a massive light to me Matt, and I have not even met you! Your life made me stop. It made me think. Am I allowing Jesus to shine through me to others?

In 2008 I decided to 'step out of the boat' (get out my comfort zone) and trust God fully, which led me to the mission field. My life is about living it to the full in Christ, and never being half hearted. Reading the many comments from people after you died were amazing - you stepped out of the boat, you lived life with zeal, and it was contagious (for me) to make me what to try harder in my everyday life to live fully for Christ. It took me to the thought....what would people say after I die, what would be the phrase on my headstone be, it challenged me to live the life God has called me to, because well we just don't know how long we have, do we?!

You also really got me thinking about life after death. As a Christian I forget that. I forget that there is a bigger focus, there is the Kingdom of God, its just not all about earth. The day you died God lead me to read 1 Corinthians 15....it is all about the resurrection. Perfect passage. It reminded me to hope, to have joy in things, to serve and to live for Christ. To focus on the beyond...the Kingdom of God and what it yet to come, to live how it should of been. These verses (42-43, 56-58)really stuck out for me, for you...

"...Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength...For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ...Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

I sit here writing to you, with sadness that I didn't get to meet you - you 'read' as an amazing person. But also with joy because you had such certainty in where you were going, in Christ.
I sit here wondering just how many seeds of love and the desire to know more of Christ you have planted in peoples lives....it's exciting!

So thank you Matt. Thank you for being a faithful servant to the Lord until the end of your life. Thank you for allowing Jesus love to shine through you. Thank you for teaching me, for reminding me to hope, to focus on God's kingdom. Thank you for challenging me to live fully for God.

Thank you

Jesus and Tinsel...

2011-12-24T04:43:00.001+00:00

Well firstly I will wish you all a Happy Christmas!

It has taken me to the 24th of December to be excited. I have that little flutter in my heart this morning. I have gone through a wirl-wind of emotions about Christmas this year.

I started with being angry...how as a world we focus so much on the tree, the presents, the drinking and food, seeing people, spending tons of money, decorating the house, father Christmas....everything made me frustrated, because every conversation I had about Christmas didn't mention Jesus - because it should all be about Jesus - it's about celebrating His birth.

I then got upset...upset for Jesus. If I was Him and on my birthday everyone else gave presents and focused on everything else accept well the 'birthday person'...would be a little upset and annoyed! It made me think about what present I would give Jesus - how can I do something special for Him on his birthday? How can I make Christmas about Jesus?!

All of my thoughts made me start to hate Christmas - I would rather not have it. But it also made me want to go across to like Africa and build a well for people without clean water, because well thats a good present for Jesus, right?! All these thoughts did not settle my heart.

I woke up this morning, realising something very simple, but so amazingly awesome.

God is love...Jesus came to this earth to love. To love everyone and show others what love is.

So this Christmas I will give the presents I have bought for people, I will make sure I do extra jobs round the house, help my Mum cook in the kitchen, spend time with my family - watching the Christmas movies, I will read my Bible and the Christmas story, go out for meals with friends, maybe even do some festive baking, I will enjoy the decorations, and probably tons of other things this Christmas....because in each different way that is loving on the people around me.

Cheesy I know...but Christmas is about Love. I don't think there is enough love in this world, but if this is the time people try that little bit harder to love one-another in anyway shape or form....I think that makes Jesus smile.

So my prayer is for people to experience being loved and loving others this Christmas.
Thank you Jesus that you love us beyond description.

2011-12-22T09:34:00.000+00:00

I am the Lord your God,

I go before you now.

I stand beside you

I’m all around you

And though you feel I’m far away

I’m closer than your breath

I am with you

More than you know

I am the Lord your peace

No evil will conquer you

Steady now your heart and mind

Come into my rest

And oh, let your faith arise

And lift up your weary head

I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need

Come to me, I’m everything

Come to me, I’m all you need

Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves

And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid

Though your heart and flesh may fail you

I’m your faithful strength

And I am with you

Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need

Come to me, I’m your everything

Come to me, I’m all you need

Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me

You will not be shaken, you will not be moved

Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way

Heyyyy

Just come to me, come to me

Cause I’m all that you need

Victim...

2011-12-21T15:12:00.003+00:00

I hate the fact that I have allowed myself to become a victim to my circumstances

My circumstances are now dictating my life. My emotions and thoughts are stronger than my will. How I feel effects my day to day living.

Some days are Okay - and I find something positive, generally when I have something planned, and I am ok with what happened and not being in Brazil.

Some days I just have NO clue why I am in England, and will hide from the world and stay in bed, hating my life.

Some days I just ignore and try and be ‘me’ thinking it will help and if I do it for longer enough, I will accept my situation.

I don’t like, actually I am hating my way of life right now.

I want to hide from it all, until it all disappears and I can start again.

[Clearly not an option, but I am sure trying it out to be one – it’s a failing option!]

I hate that I have become a victim and I allow myself to live in fear of moving on, accepting, picking myself up again and trying again…weather that’s Brazil or actually living my life properly in England.

I hate being a victim, living in fear, having no confidence, not being happy, feeling weak, wallowing in ‘my life sucks’, not being thankful enough, not seeking God enough, or reading His promises and believing that they include me too.

ARGH! It is horrible, but what’s worse is I don’t know how to escape right now. I cannot see beyond it all, or feel I have enough energy to start the journey to living in victory and well just living in reality and beyond my circumstances.

I hate that I am scared to ‘step up’ to stop being a victim, and not being able to hide anymore. I hate my fear to look at my life, my circumstances and deal with them…and all that comes along with them.

I hate being a victim…

should have...what if?

2011-12-19T15:04:00.000+00:00

Right now in my head I am living in a world of ‘what if’ and ‘should have’

Today is especially hard in some ways – today ‘should of’ been the day I arrived home from Brazil after being there for the past 16 months. It ‘should have’ been the first time I met my niece. It should have been an exciting time, not masked with stress and ill-health. It should have been a lot of things, but it was not. Coming home should have been a time to see family, friends, supporters and to re-charge ready to go back on the mission field in Brazil. February 22^nd 2012 will be another should of day, as it would have been when I was returning to Brazil.

Over the last couple of months I have not really been able to shake from my head…what I would have been doing in Brazil if I was still there; or what everyone else is doing. Not very easy or a good thing to live your life in one place, but your heart and thoughts in another.

The biggest thing though is ‘what if’… I am replaying my life and thinking about all the things, I should of, maybe, tried harder, done differently, not done at all to not be where I am now – not in Brazil serving God. What comes along with the ‘what if’ and ‘should have’ for me is shame, guilt, failure, frustration, lack of understanding, living in the past, wanting answers and clarity, not happy with the current, questioning where God is in it all, not being able to move forward and accept, negativity, sadness…..basically nothing really positive, nothing helping me live my life fullest in Christ.

My life feels stagnant….it has stopped and it is starting to stink!

I know I am responsible for my thoughts, actions, words….it is my fault that I have allowed myself to reach this point in my life. I have reacted this way to my situation. I know I am responsible and the only one that can stop my thought pattern, stop my life being stagnant …but right now I am finding that hard.

I feel I am stuck, so caught in this world, I don’t know how to move on, I don’t want just ignore the million questions and thoughts in my head.

I know I cannot change the past

But I need (want) to know answers.

I want to find meaning, purpose in the situation

I need to deal with the emotions I have.

I need to deal with the past and Brazil and put a full stop after it all.

I need to live in the present, and not focus on what should have been.

….I have a long way to go…

School Assembly

2011-12-07T12:10:00.000+00:00

Today I did something that I never thought I would do in my life....

I went back to my old junior school and led the assembly.
I spoke about how I had a dream that I thought was impossible to ever achieve and how with God I lived my dream of working with people in Brazil.

I wanted the children to realise that with God we can achieve things....that even when everyone else tells us its too difficult, or you are not clever enough, you cannot afford it, you are not suited for that etc....with God our dreams can become reality. We need to seek God and find joy in Him and have a relationship with Him and trust him with what I believe are the dreams/desires He gives us.

I just pray the children left that hall inspired, encouraged but also challenged to hold onto their dream, give it to God and then trust that it will happen....

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires"

Psalm 37:4

By doing this assembly it made me realise just how amazing it is to trust God and give Him your dreams, and to see how they grow bigger than I could ever imagine. Part of my dream is to teach others about a life with God and Jesus as their Saviour....and well I have been teaching people, I taught 360 children this morning about living a full life by trusting God....exciting!!

Our dreams, desires, passions will look different from person to person, and even different to God - He knows more that we know about ourselves and what are are truly capable to do with God....

Just a thought....What would your life look like if you took delight in the Lord, and then started living out your heart's desire?

Provision...

2011-11-28T11:34:00.000+00:00

When I was younger I just did not understand how missionaries survived with not getting paid!

It is still a real alien concept for so many people in the world that people would work not for money but for serving God. To rely solely on God to provide money, resources or people to help provide.

This is something I have had to face as being on the mission field....I really struggled at times with the concept of relying on people's [very kind] donations each month, and that people provide the money for me to support me working and living in a foreign country. I found it hard accepting that it was Ok to treat yourself (occasionally), and that you are allowed and able to live like a 'normal' person.

It taught me so much about dealing with money and well for me my money is not mine - It's Gods. I have to trust God fully with my money - knowing what He says is the best for me. Sometimes that is SO hard!

More recently coming home, this has been difficult. There is a lot of expectation from myself and others that I would get a job, and to me that made sense, because you need money to life - so I would need to get a job to get money. Well God had very different ideas!

I had signed onto job seekers allowance and really started to look for a job....after two weeks (of being sick, so not actually even being able to look for a job) I spent some real time seeking God...His words were clear - come off Job seekers and do not look for a job yet, He continued: Give me the control.

I had to hand back the control of my money and life back to God - and trust him to provide.

Well...He has in abundance!
It blows me away all the time, and I cannot start to express just how grateful I am to God and all the people that have listened to God and blessed me in return. Thank you!!

This post is mostly really me expressing just how awesome God is...He knows our needs and wants to provide for us, we just need to allow Him too....

"...So don't worry about these things, saying, 'what will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God about all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need" Matthew 6:31-33

Brazilian Afternoon

2011-11-20T10:51:00.000+00:00

My Brazilian afternoon went really well...I loved being able to share the stories and experiences I had to the people that supported me while I was in Brazil, to show them what they have been involved in. It was nice to really be able to show people my passion for the children of Brazil, and talk about something positive and not the negative of coming home early due to bad health. It catered for all ages too, was really nice to see some of the young people come and listen and be interested in it too.

Bella came in full support too, wearing her Brazil t-shirt!

The afternoon went really well...and lots of yummy food was eaten!

Acai Table! Everyone had the chance to make their own Acai bowl up!

What was really exciting was that £150 was raised for the Lighthouse community Centre too!

[THANK YOU EVERYONE!!]

Pathways...

2011-11-17T17:42:00.000+00:00

At different times in our lives we always hit a cross roads - which decision to you go with, what is best for you? What does God want you to do? Can we afford to do this? How will it effect others around us?

When making a decision, however big or small, so many things come into it...so many thoughts go around your head (well for me anyway!)...and well we do have so many options, but for me, I want to chose the right one, I want to walk on the right path, even if it is not the easiest.

Well since coming back from Brazil, I have and still do have decisions to make, and some of it is working out even if it is the right time to be making decisions and walking along the path, or do I still need to stop and wait for God, and to finished processing Brazil.

I am writing this post as over the last couple of days I have done TONS of thinking and looking at what pathway to take in life....for example, getting a full time job, will I ever go back to Brazil etc...

I am just SO grateful for God, knowing that I can take all my thoughts to my Heavenly Father, and ask Him, what is best for me. I ask and then wait, knowing that God wants to direct us, He has the best plan for us, and that what He does is out of love.... As God is directing me in my life with which pathway to take, it's exciting to know I am doing the right thing. It brings me a real sense of peace, but it is an amazing rock to stand on too, when it can get hard, you know you are in the right place and you do not need to doubt it....So I want to finish with one of my favourite Bible verses...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take"

Proverbs 3:5-6

To the Full...

2011-11-14T20:10:00.000+00:00

This blog and what I try and live by is based on the verse in John 10v10...

'The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life'

But recently I have really been thinking about it. What type of fullness is Jesus talking about? What does a rich and satisfying life look like?

Is it about doing everything possible in life, taking every opportunity, visiting every place you ever wanted, fulfilling everything on your 'things I want to do before I die' list, doing the things you dreamed of as a child, being the best person you can be inside, learning to be nice and love others?

Well being stuck in bed I have felt I have not been able to live to the fullest or very satisfied. I feel that as I am not in Brazil I am not living to my fullest....so it takes me back to I don't think it is all about 'doing'.

God ultimately calls us to love Him and then others....so by doing that - is that living to the full?

I think it is about us growing and developing a Christ-like character too, which in turn helps us follow the commandment in Matthew 22:37-39...

'Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself'

A Christ-like character - what is that?!
My first thoughts on this would be growing in the fruits of the spirits...'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control' (Galatians 5:22/23).

Becoming the best person you can possibly be, which is living fully in Christ. Surrendering your life to Him...and growing the 'fruits' in your life, and loving God and others.....and then you get the fantastic reward of having a satisfying life in Christ.

But what I notice is that He doesn't say it is going to be easy, pain free, but it will be satisfying, and I bet 100% better than having your life, stolen, destroyed and then finally death!

Just some random thoughts....but what I do know is that I want to pour myself into Jesus, to have this satisfying life with Him, whatever it may look like...

Creativity

2011-11-10T06:11:00.000+00:00

I believe that creativity is a gift from God.

All you have to do is look around you and see how creative God was when making the world and everyone and thing in it. Everything is so diverse and different and unique. There is so much beauty in the world, and I really find God in that. I cannot help but praise God when watching a beautiful sunset or when on the beach watching the waves. Creativity is all around us.

I am in no way an artist, but I love being creative in what I do, which sometimes leads to make things that little bit harder for myself, because I get an idea in my head and I will work out how to make it reality.
Well I have been spending a lot of time looking at the truths of God and who He says we are. So I have been spending time reading my Bible, and well these words come up a lot for me....Hope, Faith & Love.

In 1 Corinthians 13:13 it says this...

"Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love"

These three words are awesome, if you really take time and reflect over them and what they mean. They give me a sense of peace deep within me. I know I can have faith, hope and love with God. That God is love and He loves me, and with Him I have hope...I just need to have the faith in Him.

Anyway....I wanted to be creative but with some meaning so here it is....

Everything I need for my project...

Here is the finished piece...and what I love about it is it's pure and simple, and I can change the purple background too, to fit in with what colour I am loving at the time. Just need somewhere to hang it now.

I am so glad I have taken the time (didn't take me long though) to express myself, and do something different away from the busyness and not focusing on my health, and something I really enjoy.

Surroundings...

2011-11-07T13:57:00.000+00:00

There is always discussions and studies about how our environments effects us. I agree that what surrounds us effects us...but do we even know it effects us? Should we allow it to effect us?

I have been thinking about this a lot recently, as I have come back from Brazil and the environment I lived in there to the environment were I live now in England, and how they both effected me. I don't think I have really thought about this idea of how my environment effects me, until I was removed from my environment and then going back to my previous environment...and have actually had a lot of time to stop and process and think....

So one question I have been thinking about is...what is considered my environment. Well to me it is everything that I am involved in, everything that effects me directly and indirectly, the physical location where I live, it is the people that I come in contact with....our environment is massive. So if I think about it, we all have quite a few environment changes in our lives...changing schools, starting new activities (so meeting new people), for me moving physical locations, Australia and then Brazil, going to university, jobs, living with different people....all of this would effect you.

Well....I guess I am realising just what type of environment I would like to live in, be surrounded by. Real moment of being open now...my home is not the environment I want to be in, I am seeing recently how it is effecting me and I don't like it. It is quite an angry and stressed environment...it doesn't feel peaceful, happy or a really loving environment, I am the only christian which makes it quite lonely too. I feel that the anger is rubbing off on me, and that I am not encouraged in my faith, it is just a generally negative environment and I don't want to be like that.

So with all of this in my mind I need to work out how to respond....I need to work out how not to get caught up in my environment, but then not completely isolate myself from it either. How can I still be me and grow in Christ in my surroundings!? How do I protect myself from my environment and not get caught up in it? Am I able to change my environment in any way to make it a more positive place?

It is actually really hard...but something really important to think about....if I think more I then think about how I effect other people, as I am part of peoples environments....how do or how should I contribute to my home environment as this is essentially where I spend most my time....

I think it is really quite amazing actually how much impact we can have on people, and how often we can be unaware of it, and how unaware of how are surroundings effect us, or can apply pressure on us to fit the mould or change to be more accepted. How do we really know if we are being ourselves?

So much to think about, so many challenges to this topic I think....I will stop now in my thoughts, as I think I could write all day....but for me the challenge is to stay myself, to stay in Christ, and not get caught in behaviours, thoughts, feelings, actions etc...that are not me and that do not bring glory to Christ, to not be influenced by my surrounding environment...

Brazilian Afternoon

2011-10-30T04:51:00.000+00:00

Everyone is invited to my BRAZILIAN AFTERNOON!

When: Sunday 13th November 2011
Time: 3:30 - 5pm
Where: Holy Trinity Centre, Maldon Road, SM6 8BL

What is a Brazilian Afternoon I hear you asking yourself...

Well it will be a short time of me sharing about my time in Brazil - through a talk and a slideshow of lots of pictures! So if you want to know more about what I did, the work I was involved in, about Brazilian life, especially in a slum....please come along.

There will also be time to taste yummy Brazilian desserts too....so come with an empty tummy!

There will be some display boards to look at too (so it is not all me talking) ....but it is a chance to read some of the life stories of the girls I worked with.

There will be some activity sheets for children to do, during my talk so they don't get bored (30 minutes is a long time to keep their attention span I know!)

If you want to know more information - please just comment or email me. Look forward to seeing you there - if you want to come please let me know, as it will help me when ordering food! :0)

Too much to say...

2011-10-28T04:29:00.000+01:00

Not really written in a while, and well I think it is because I have too much to say. Sounds silly....I have not written a post or lots of posts because I have too much to write about!

So much is going round in my head, I could probably write for hours, but I don't know how much would be helpful. I feel I am in the processing stage of so much things, but not really progressing past that stage with any of my thoughts, I don't feel I have found many answers...which I know is not a bad thing, but I want to write about my journey of something and then the answer or at least getting close to an answer or how I have learnt something. I don't want to make my blog a place to just rant and vent, (I am aware I have most likely ranted on my blog before!) but something more positive.

So this post is simply to say that I have lots going on in my head, and well lots going on in my life too....so that is why there has been silent, for anyone, if anyone does read my blog!

In my head I have currently going around....Brazil, living at home, Church, my Brazilian afternoon, finding jobs, the many trips I have planned in November, doing more exercise, reading books and spending more time with God, friends, starting something new, doing creative things, my health, my family, what encourages people to strive for more, change, people in general...

Revelation...

2011-10-15T19:43:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking a LOT recently...more than usual about my life and God.
Mainly about my life before God. Why didn't I experience God as a child?

I have been reading lots of books (very unusual for me) and one of the books talks about these children and how they knew Jesus was with them. At the age of 5, 6, 7 etc these children knew they were not alone, that they were loved. I found this really hard to read - it made me cry
....why didn't I know Jesus then?

I went to church, I went to Sunday School, I did I guess all the things I could of done at that age to know God...why didn't I know Jesus as my Saviour and God as my Heavenly Father until I was in my late teens.

I look back at my childhood and early teen years - and they were lonely at times....I was the girl with no friends, but I never understood why.... Being friends with God would of been good during that time!

Did God talk to me - try to get me to notice Him? Did other people and what they thought of me just speak louder? Did I ignore Him? I don't know.

But tonight I decided to ask God ...Where were you during this time, when I so badly needed you? Said in a way of being really quite hurt, and in a sense abandoned by God, even though I didn't even have a relationship with Him them...

Well ... I didn't know Him so He didn't leave me during this time, He didn't stay silent, He didn't sit up in heaven not caring. He knew my name, He knew how I was feeling, He knew my every move, thought, tear, action and word....I just didn't seek Him out, I didn't try and listen for God.

But all these thoughts have bought me comfort - I was not abandoned by God during the hard times.
More thoughts popped into my head ... a picture of someone trying to save another person from being taken away by a storm/flood...this person tried SO many ways to save the person - shouting, throwing them life ropes, everything possible - but the person in trouble is so caught up in it all they just cannot see the help, or even think it is available.

God is/was....doing everything He can to 'save' us. He would of done all He could of done (like any amazing Father should) to of saved me when I was younger - I just didn't know - my eyes, ears, heart were not open to God.

It takes me back to the word relentless...this word brings hope, joy, comfort, peace up in me...knowing that is how God seeks after us, and how He loves us. Yes it can be seen in a negative way this word too...but to me it is all positive. God is not stop - maybe seen as a little bit like nagging, but He does it for our benefit - so we can have the best life and relationship with Him.

Relentless...non stop, continually, without slowing down, never giving up, unstoppable, persistent, constant, steady, 24/7 - all day every day, unending, everlasting, adamant - you cannot change God's mind that He loves you...

So I end this post - knowing that I am loved....but also with the passion for other people to know God ASAP...to grow up knowing God and His amazing love for them and that God never abandons us.

Steps forward....and then backwards

2011-10-06T18:20:00.000+01:00

This week I feel I have taken big steps forward...I actively started looking for jobs, both paid and voluntary - so back on the mission field with YWAM. I have found it hard in many ways. I feel in a way like a little baby - exploring the world for the first time on foot....a little fearful to maybe let go of the helping hand or finger but so wanting to get out there and run, but not quite sure where, how or what to do first...

Firstly - I have no clue what I want to do, I want to do so many different things, do I go on the route of continuing to work with children, and in what type of setting, or do I use my degree and do some type of youth work. Do I want to be part of a Christian organisation or not. Do I want to stay in the UK or not...so many questions and ideas, so many different things to think about!

Secondly - Deep inside I feel so scared to make these steps forward. I don't want to make the wrong choice. There are so many questions and thoughts going around my head, it is hard to make a decision.

But I know I don't want to live my life in fear and worry - thats not living with God at my side. I also don't want to be stuck in this 'place' where I am now...I need to move forward, I need to continue to grow and learn and experience life, whatever it may look like...

I was filling in an application form, that made me excited...it helped me move forward to a future. Maybe it was the thought of moving out (I am a real dependant person, and am currently house sitting and loving have a place of my mine - even if it is for a week!) I liked the idea of a new experience, something a bit different, learning and having a job, and being able to potentially to create a savings account, towards my future. But my application form got deleted - and well the deadline is tomorrow, and it is not even possible to attempt to re-do the form....the end of that.

I feel sad, like my future was taken away again....I want to step forward and well I feel I have stepped back, to the wonder of what am I meant to be doing, will I ever get a job, is this what God wants for me - what does He want me to do?! But I also need to remember my life has not been taken from me, it is just turning out different from what I thought! [clearly still processing everything from Brazil, and yeah it does still hurt - but this post is not about Brazil!]

SO many thoughts in my head...but I am going to look at it positively and continue to make steps forward, even if they are small. There are other jobs, opportunities and plenty of time to do all the things I would love to do (hopefully!)....So I am going to make baby steps in my life and not worry - as that doesn't help anyone!