Living Simply Sassy Classy

Change and Transformation

2022-01-18T12:33:00.001-08:00

The dragonfly has been a recurring image in my life these days. So much so that I have begun to look into the symbolism of this fascinating creature. In many cultures, it represents change, transformation, adaptability, and self-realization.

With the craziness of the past (now going on) three years, it is only right that these changes and transformations should be happening. The way I think and view things have been adjusting and fine-tuning into something that seems simply spectacular.

Sure, there are growing pains in the process. No one wants to be unemployed for a year or lose their direction, but at times, things like this need to happen. They help us not to stay complacent or placid in our lives. They help us understand that growth is needed to help us transform into something more beautiful.

For me, the last three years have been filled with loss and grief. Not just in losing people, but perspectives on how we live our lives. To say that the process has been harrowing is being kind. I've been to the depths of hell and back, with no desire to return.

From job loss, loss of connections, loss of beloved pets, and the way I perceived my life as a whole. It has been spiritual upheaval in many ways. But I have began to see where some things were drastically cut from my life, new growth is evident.

Growth in my career, my perspective on stuff, and my health have been the biggest changes; however, how I connect with others has caused me to build new and healthier boundaries.

I wish I had all of the answers on how this transpired, or why it took place, but I believe everyone's journey is different, and we should not judge another's journey. All I can say is to be patient, persevere, and don't lose hope.

Picking Up the Pieces

2021-01-01T12:21:00.003-08:00

I think everyone can agree, 2020 was rough. It was rougher more on others than some, but it was definitely rough. There was a collective sigh of relief as the year came to a close, but I think the semi-automatic firearm that was used outside of my backdoor by a reckless neighbor was a bit much. This time, I would have been happy with just a firecracker.

I leave 2020 with scars and battle wounds and a new set of boundaries that are more secure than Fort Knox. I started out the year with one mindset, and left with another. A more eyes wide-open stance. A disbelief, as if I had been slapped by an Avenger after being in a trance from Loki's staff in The Avengers.

I've been hurt by a group of people in ways that may never be able to be repaired. I may be able to forgive one day, but the forgetting may be another thing.

It is interesting how smug and dead set wrong people can be when they judge others on things they see from the outside looking into only a one-sided picture. Oh, that judgment is harsh and brutal. I deleted or used that 30 day mute so many times because of it. And probably should have stayed away from the comment sections of the local news sources on Facebook, as well.

It hurts, really hurts, when people judge with a self-righteous attitude and be so wrong on so many levels. The thing is, it is actually a form of bullying, yet they don't see that. Not in their minds. Not in their eyes. They see themselves as righteous saviors and elitist in their words and marches.

The problem is that right now, despite my being very far from being suicidal, I honestly understand now why people commit suicide during times like these. I understand the hopelessness, the despair, the feelings of just no longer wanting go on. And people who have the heartlessness to post "get a job" over and over are the bullies who might actually pull that trigger. Shame on them. Shame on their lack of apathy, compassion, and ability to maybe step back and stop for once.

Social media has become the bane of our social perspective. Sure, we are able to reconnect and build a connection with people we may never have in the past, but it also allows keyboard warriors to use their words as a weapon of mass destruction. Maybe in 2021, we need to be more mindful of that attitude.

A Much Needed Holly Jolly

2020-11-19T11:19:00.003-08:00

I think we can all agree on one thing: 2020 was a huge, emotional drain on everyone and everything. It seemed like the year has kept kicking us when we are down, we only a few bright spots intermixed. Like friends of mine who are missionaries finally being able to return to Peru. That's a huge bright spot on the year.

But for me, it has been one kick after another. I had a rough time finding a job at the beginning of the year, only to be let go after a couple of weeks due to legitimately getting very sick from Covid. Then Covid had me down for over three months. Followed by issues with unemployment and then my pup, Sampson dying of a heart attack on my birthday in July. Oh, and I have been repeated overlooked for job after job that I continue to apply for daily. Let's just say, I'm exhausted.

The bright spots for me personally have been acts of kindness by others, finding peace through a more focused daily meditation and prayer. And finally, just making Christmas start early this season. The tree is up and decorated with a penguin snow scene, and the piano decorated with a portion of my snowman collection.

There will always be naysayers saying "one holiday at a time", but can we all agree on one thing, we need the jolly and joy from Christmas this year a lot earlier than just in December. So, put up that tree, turn on those outdoor lights, and let's make those peppermint, hot chocolates so we can feel good about something this season.

The Heart of the Matter: Life Changing News

2020-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Imagine feeling like you are having a constant asthma attack, but unable to do anything to get relief. Imagine just the simplest tasks causing you to be out of breath, or make your heart beat even faster, including just tying your shoes, or getting dressed. Imagine having to sit down to rest constantly, because you feel like you are about to pass out. Or having people ask if you are okay, because you sound like you just ran a marathon, when all you did was sweep a small area in the kitchen.

This has been my life for sometime now, and has only progressively worsened since having COVID earlier in the spring/summer. You may say "it is because you are fat and need to lose weight", but it is a bit more to the story.

Back in November 2019, I was admitted to the hospital with fatigue, dizziness, and the possibility of blood clots due to the swelling in my leg. What they found at that time was only an issue of blood clots. Only. I released with no further plan, except that I became very ill while in the hospital. It became pneumonia, and I struggled to recover.

Fast forward to October 11, 2020. I had been busy the week leading up to the weekend with purging and cleaning, and moving heavy boxes to the curb for pickup. That resulted in me feeling as if I was having a constant mild asthma attack. I had found my inhaler at one point, only to lose it again. A call into Teledoc only resulted in allergy and asthma as my diagnosis and a new inhaler sent to the pharmacy.

By Sunday evening, I was still miserable, so I called the nurse line through the insurance company. They asked a simple question that led me to the ER: are either of your calves swollen and in pain. My answer was an immediate yes. I had not put much thought into the swelling, as they swell often, and with pain.

After being tested over five hours, the diagnosis was pulmonary arterial hypertension. In layman's terms, I have high blood pressure in my lungs and it is damaging my heart.

I never had high blood pressure until I had COVID. I had slightly elevated levels whenever I didn't feel well, but not feeling well as happening more often. Turns out that all of the symptoms I had been experiencing over the past couple of years were related to this, but had not been far advanced enough to be identified.

So, what does that mean? I have doctor appointments lining up at what seems daily. Tomorrow morning is my first stop with my GP, and she set aside extended time to meet with me. I'm still waiting on that appointment with the pulmonologist, but I'm certain that my doctor will direct me to another within that hospital system. And maybe get in faster.

But for now, I'm to avoid people at all costs. That means pretty much being a shut-in until COVID is over (and no, people are not going to suddenly feel better or rise from the dead on November 4th). The doctors told me it will probably be February before I can really integrate again.

In the meantime, I'm not allowed to lift anything over 20 lbs, change my lifestyle habits, like diet and exercise (and I was just getting excited about extending my Fitbit goals). As for work, it may result in me either filing for SSDI and/or working part-time. Avoiding anything that raises my blood pressure at all costs.

So, you see, my life has been turned upside down at the moment. I've done a lot of research and introspection on the whole situation. Depending on the additional test results that are yet to come will determine the rest of my life. I'm not dead yet. Just sidelined.

Yesteryear's Good Intentions

2020-10-07T03:24:00.007-07:00

I moved into my small, two-bedroom apartment on September 16, 2019. Today is October 7, 2020, and I really am just now unpacking. A lot has happened to prevent me from doing what needed to be done, but there has been a revelation that has occurred in the process:

Why do I keep moving all of these things?

Why am I even holding on to all of these things?

I'm thinking it is time to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just "Let it go," as Elsa from Frozen would say.

The saddest thing is that there are boxes and bins piled up in my office (that I really need to be using now that work from home is now a thing) that have already been purged and gone through, yet they still sit there: homeless.

I think it is time to stop thinking "I'll use that again, someday", because someday isn't coming, sweetheart. And the rule of thumb is that if it is cheap, toss it. Because if you haven't used it yet, you are definitely not going to use it now. Besides, how many fingernail clippers does one really need (I apparently need 5).

I keep thinking about the freedom of having a clutter-free home where everything is easily accessible and I don't squirm when someone says they are coming over. If anyone is ever allowed to go anywhere ever again, that is.

So, today, I'll grab that giant leaf bag, and start stuffing, because I'm done hoarding yesteryear's good intentions.

Maybe It Was in the Stars

2020-05-19T15:41:00.001-07:00

I've been a little silent lately. Mostly because life took a huge spiral after March 9th, mostly in the same manner as just about everyone else's did, and I just did not feel much like writing. I still don't, and not really ready to write about what happened to me just yet. Oh, I can say that I was one of the 36+ million who are unemployed, one of the million+ who caught the virus, and one of the many who have just been over it. But there is more, and I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. But I will at some point. Just not today.

What I am willing to talk about is to take a step back to the my decluttering and minimalism thoughts just maybe one more time.

I really don't watch the news, especially 24-hour news. I gave it up after the whole presidential debacle of 2016. It wound up being the healthiest thing I have ever done in my entire life. It doesn't mean I'm not informed or don't know what is going on. I just prefer not to have it in my face all of the time. My blood pressure has actually improved, as has my outlook on life and mental well-being (for the most part).

What I do get are text alerts of snippets of news that interest me. For example, business news. Unfortunately, the thing that has come through too often lately is the announcement of the permanent closing of long-time businesses, both local and national. Some are even international. Last night it was a favorite local steakhouse that has been here for decades. This evening, the announcement of Pier 1 closing.

But something started making me consider why these stores might be closing. Maybe the writing has been on the wall for some of these stores, and the pandemic was really what pushed them over the edge. I love Pier 1, but really when was the last time I set foot in the store, or when I last purchased anything? It has been a very long time. They had cute and fun items, but they were not needs, and often overpriced.

And as for the steakhouse, even longer. In fact, I didn't go unless someone else was paying, as it was way outside of my pay grade. And I actually make a decent wage, when I'm employed.

Someone made the comment about the death-knell for capitalism. No, corporatism is trying to strangle capitalism, and has been for quite some time. But sometimes, companies don't evaluate their customer base enough to understand the shifting marketplace.

For example, online shopping, or e-commerce, is a growing force. Some think Chinese companies and Amazon have the upperhand, but I'm seeing homegrown entrepeneurs start to take over with small boutique style shops that are highly successful. Some think that that they have to link to Amazon to be successful, but with e-commerce tools like Wix and Shopify, as well as Propay and Square, they can be their own standalone and be free to call their own shots. In fact, I'm in the process of launching an online consignment shop focused on plus sized women in the next couple of weeks. I just had to make sure I was covid free before launching.

While bigger stores are seeing the writing one the wall, smaller nitche boutiques online are finding a rise. It's a new economy, which means it is not over.

What Now? Finding the Path to Pursue

2020-03-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

I did the easy part of identifying the blaring problem I'm facing. Now comes the hard part, deciding on how to achieve that success and where to begin. It's not as easy as it sounds, or seems. I've got a lot of demons I need to deal with before I even get to the nitty gritty.

One of the questions I am asking myself is how did I get to this point? I know depression, a back injury, medication, and apathy did play a lot into it, but how did I even get to that point? Where is the true beginning of this journey? What is it that I really need to work on to make this a lasting, lifelong commitment, rather than just another fly-by-night attempt that fell by the wayside.

In other words, I'm in this for the long haul, and I'm not taking shortcuts. Although, cooking ones would be lovely right now. As well as, winning the lottery. The former is a lot more likely to ever happen. I'll be struck by lightening twice before the latter happens. Just my luck, I'd survive and it would just add to the weight.

But let's not go there, let's just try to figure out the first steps. I mean, Flylady is always saying "baby steps" lead to success. I'm more apt to believe her with that one, which is why I tend to focus on short term goals, rather than dwell on my past and any unrealistic goals I might set for myself (in other words, setting self up for failure is not an option).

The one thing I keep thinking about is my depression and dealings with bipolar disorder. I have not always been an introvert. In fact, I used to have a pretty full dance card throughout the week. Unfortunately, heartache and separation (a/k/a: being rejected by someone I adored, friends moving on and leaving me behind when I moved to another state, and those closest to me not being in the same state or region as I am).

So, while it is important not to live in the past, it is actually even more important to reconcile the past. The two are not interchangeable, as reconciling the past means leaving it there to stay once you are done with that step. And while I advocate focusing on the now, my past has been something of a bane of my existence.

I've made mistakes. Huge mistakes. Mistakes that embarrass me. Mistakes that I regret. Mistakes that harmed me. But I am still here, living and breathing. Nothing has killed me, yet, although there have been attempts. I need to learn that I cannot undo what has happened. I can only prevent from repeating mistakes, and some have been repetitive. I need to forgive myself in order to move on. I need to reconcile with the fact that I cannot change anything that has happened, but have full control over my now, which has a direct correlation with the future. I want a bright future, not the bleak one that seems to be looming at the moment.

However, I'm still trying to figure out where to begin in that process. I mean, drudging up old feelings, hurts, and wrongs is never pleasant, but how can one move on without acknowledging, forgiving, and moving forward first? There is a gaping wound under there that is festering.

I once heard someone say that wounds need to heal from the inside out, and in order to do that, you must let it breath by ripping the band-aid off. The ripping off of the band-aid is actually the part that hurts the most. Sure, there will be a scar left behind, but that reminds of a battle we overcame. Not like Frodo's wound from Weathertop in Lord of the Rings that never quite healed. Ours are not caused by cursed blades. No, ours are not mortal wounds, but ones that we've just left untended too long.

So, for now, I'm going to open Penzu, the journaling app, and start to rip those band-aids off, one by one. Then, I'll sit in prayer and meditation on the healing.

Something just came to mind, hand writing each issue on their own single piece of paper, then symbolically ripping them up, one-by-one, or just burning them (safely), one-by-one. Whatever is chosen, it needs to have meaning. That's all I know in my heart.

A New Direction: Finding Love in Myself

2020-03-04T14:20:00.001-08:00

The last few years have been hard for me (and on me). In fact, in the whole process, I've completely lost a complete sense of who I actually am, or who I am supposed to be. In actuality, I fell out of love with myself, and it was obvious. While in reality, I did care, it looked like I didn't. But I completely forgot how to care. I lost my way and it was time to go search for myself.

Overwhelmed: When Clutter Becomes Too Much

2019-10-09T09:53:00.003-07:00

Here I am, a little over six weeks since my home has sold, and I'm now in my apartment. The apartment is 300 square feet smaller than my house. Basically the size of one room. And less one two-car garage. And the kitchen barely has any cabinets. Needless to say, the unpacking and re-organizing part of the move has been the hardest part of the journey so far.

Read more »

Sold: Moving On

2019-09-10T12:41:00.001-07:00

It’s gone. The house was sold and the closing has come and gone. I’m no longer a homeowner. It is a bittersweet feeling, but I know it is for the best right now. The house was too much for me at this time, and it was time to move on. The rules under which I purchased it with the FHA loan would have meant that I would have been obligated to pay nearly $300 in PMI for the life of the loan, making the mortgage rather expensive for my budget.

Read more »

Moving Day: The Time Has Come

2019-08-23T12:25:00.002-07:00

There's not turning back now. That dreaded day has come: moving day. That day where chaos ensues and follows with inevitable silence and sadness as a chapter in life is closed for good. When you turn and look back on a now empty house that was once a loving home. A time where you say good-bye.
Read more »

Seller Headaches: When Things Go Bad

2019-07-31T13:04:00.003-07:00

Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law, where if it can go wrong, it will? Well, it is all going wrong and I'm ready to get off the bus and cry now. I'm just to the point of being done and over with everything having to do with selling this house. I just want out and never look back again.

Read more »

The Search: Slipping Out of My Hands

2019-07-24T05:52:00.001-07:00

This whole process of selling a house, finding a house, and moving is so overwhelming and draining. And when you think you have found the one, and run into obstacles that you have to pray that it waits for you, you have to face the fact that it might not wait for you. That is the case for me: the house did not wait for me.

Read more »

The Process: Empty Pockets

2019-07-19T02:39:00.002-07:00

This whole process of selling a home, then finding a home, is driving me crazy. And that is a short distance to already distance to obtain. But I'm hanging on by a thread, and it seems that greed is my biggest enemy. And I do not know if it is mine, or other people's.

All I know is all I want is a small place to call home, and there seem to be roadblocks all along the way.

Read more »

The Search: Please, Let It Be Mine

2019-07-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

With my accepting an offer on my home a week ago, time is starting to run out on my own home search. It has not exactly been fun. In fact, it has been grueling, as my budget and constraints are resulting in tears and fears. My hope is to live in a home mortgage free using the equity from the sale of my current home, which to be honest, is not a whole lot.

The results are homes in several states of disrepair or in neighborhoods that scare the daylights out of me. And if I do find the perfect home, it sells before I even have a chance to see it.

Rehabbing: I'm Not So Sure About This

2019-07-11T20:18:00.003-07:00

Well, here it is a week into my decision to sell my house, and I'm a complete mess. The only thing successful so far is that I have actually accepted an offer on my house as of this morning. A decent one that I am happy with. That is the good part.

The part I'm struggling with is what is next after this house. I honestly thought the next step would be to pick up a fixer upper, put on my tool belt, and get to work. But my funding is just not adding up at the moment.

It's Getting Real: My First Offer

2019-07-10T03:19:00.001-07:00

This stuff is getting too real now. It is actually my second start to putting the house on the market in a week, as I pulled my first start by "chickening" out. But someone else talked me into it with a sweet deal, and it went on the market yesterday at 4:30pm. Immediately, I had two showings that night, so a frenzied cleaning happened, and I was out the door an hour later.

Read more »

Making Big Decisions: Mom Do We Have to Move?

2019-07-09T06:05:00.002-07:00

A new journey is looming on the horizon, and it is one I'm scared to take. I've lived in my home for over six years. I've had this blog longer than the time I've lived here, so some of you went through the journey of me buying my beautiful, move-in-ready home in Carmel, Indiana. The thing is, I need to make changes - healthy changes - in my life, and selling my lovely home is one of them.

Read more »

Closet Madness: The Purge

2019-03-15T05:13:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking this over, and after reviewing the photos from my last blog, I have decided I needed to rip a bandaid off. This is going to be painful, but it has to be done.

I'm going to do another closet purge.

Read more »

Overcrowded: Learning to Love What You Already Have

2019-03-10T08:51:00.003-07:00

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I'm a Shopaholic. I am addicted to new, pretty, shiny objects. It isn't keeping up with the Jones's for me. It's the smell, look, and feel of the new. Yep, I have a problem. In fact, it was one of the catalysts for my starting this blog back in February 2011 (has it really been eight years?!). And I'm still on my journey to get to where I want to be.

Read more »

Finally! The Walls Are Painted

2019-01-20T15:04:00.004-08:00

On November 25, 2018, I wrote about my bathroom remodel project in Master Bathroom Renovation: Purple Haze. The only thing was that the project never was finished. I still needed to finish painting the walls, but time was a problem. Plus just having the energy to do it.

Read more »

Chaos in 2018: Choosing 2019 as a Year to Clear

2018-12-31T02:56:00.001-08:00

I don't know about you, but 2018 has been one heck of a year! So many ups and downs, that I'm ready to kick it to the curb! It just feels feels like it was the year for Murphy's Law to take up shop and reside in my life. In other words, if it could happen, it did.

Read more »

Holiday Heart: Looking Back While Preparing

2018-12-23T13:45:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that Christmas is in just two days. And I'll be honest with you, I'm not ready at all. And when I say I'm not ready, it isn't in the buying of gift sense, it is in the mindset. I do have 3 gifts still to buy, but I don't need them until the end of the week, when crowds are less volatile, and then they are not hard to find gifts at that.

Master Bathroom Renovation: Purple Haze

2018-11-25T17:43:00.000-08:00

In my blog Master Bath: It's Okay to Daydream, I talked about my hopes and dreams for when I would finally decide to renovate my master bathroom. I talked about how I wanted to paint my vanity a violet color, and my walls a lilac grey.

Read more »

Not Really a Hoarder: Please Don't Do It To Them

2018-11-13T05:09:00.002-08:00

http://www.allthingsclipart.com

Quite a few years back, I helped a friend clean out her brother's home after he had passed away. The task took days, and we ran out of places to store items, as my friend refused to give up everything that belonged to her brother. Thus leading to a serious hoarding issue. When she passed away not long after her brother, we were then tasked with clearing out her home, and it was a much more difficult task, because she was a true hoarder, with no room to walk in the home, due to the amount of stuff piled high in each room.

Read more »