Living thru hell, one day at a time

I'm not normally a crier...

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Tue, 03 Nov 2015 00:45:00 +0000

This post is going to be harder to write than I thought. On one hand, once I start things are going to flow very easily. On the other, I'm not going to make a large part of the story public, so bear with me, I hope it makes sense.

So i'm not normally a crier. That's the title I went with. An alternative could've been 'it's not you it's me'. Either way, the content of this post sucks. Last week my boyfriend and I broke up. Well actually he broke up with me. Via text. Yes, via text. Of my friends that I've told, they've all been horrified that it was done via text. A couple dates, text is fine, 5 months, not so fine. For me though, I'm in 2 minds about it.

Maybe we should go back a bit. Relationships aren't always easy, long distance relationships even more so. For as long as he was living in the same city as I am, things were going well. But when he moved away, I visited him a couple times. First time everything was great, well at least I thought so. The second time things were a bit weird between us. It was like we were with each other, but we'd lost the ability to communicate. We would go out for lunch or head for a day trip somewhere, but most of the time there was silence between us.

I returned home and decided to give him some space. Rather than me staying in touch with him, I waited for him to contact me. I hated waiting but I felt that we needed it. Eventually I heard from him. After that point, we spoke every now and then, but every time we did I didn't have the balls to ask the important question, as in what's wrong. After consulting my right hand man, I ended up sending him a text that next time we chat, I'd like to talk about us. He thought that was a good idea, and we spoke that night. He agreed things were weird, and could go down 2 routes. The first was we could break, which he said he didn't want to do. The other was for me to visit him in a few weeks and see if we could get things back on track.

At the time I was glad that he chose option B. But after we hung up it all started to sink in. Obviously I liked him, I cared about him, I wanted what was best for him. But how could breaking things off then and there even be an option? Other than a weird trip to visit him, our time together had actually gone quite well. I was happy. I thought he was happy. Why would he want to break up?

As I lay in bed last night, I cried. I didn't bawl my eyes out but I cried. I'm not normally a crier. Ok maybe I'll get a bit emotional but I'd never cried over a guy before. I really really liked him. It was hard not thinking about him, but at least I knew where things were and I'd see him in a couple weeks and we'd try to see where things are going and see if we could get back on track. The next week didn't go so well. He was stressing out about things, and I said if you want me to leave you alone for a bit, I'm happy to do that. If you need me to be patient, consider it done. Which he was glad for, he said he needed to chill out without me, and I was ok with that. I stayed out of contact and said message me when you're ready.

Later that week I was at the gym, and a Taylor Swift song came on. Bloody Taylor Swift. One of the million songs that she wrote about breaking up with someone. It actually made me really sad. I held it together, which surprised me because I had the song on repeat. What can I say, I missed him.

Later that night I went out for dinner with one of my best mates, I pretty much gave him the lowdown. I think the waiter came to us 3 or 4 times asking if we were ready to order, but we were too busy talking. Afterwards we went out for another drink. It was then that I looked at my phone and saw a text from the boyfriend.

The text. The breakup text. It was long, he apologised more than once for doing it via text. It included the usual it's not you, it's me. Isn't that standard for breakups? Well I knew what was going on behind the scenes, so I understood it. I was glad I was with my mate and had a drink in my hand because I needed it. I read it, he read it. I read it again. I don't know what I said, probably not much. Just that when the waiter had come up to us and asked if we were ready and he'd told him that we needed more time as I was going through a breakup, how right he was.

That night I cried again. I'm only human, and I'm allowed to be emotional, right?. He's the first guy I dated in a long time that I really felt a connection with. Not just the sexual chemistry but we just got along really well. What upsets me the most is that it wasn't like things had gone downhill and we tried to work things out and couldn't. We were just living in different cities and he decided to just call it off.

Eventually the next day I wrote him a reply. It was measured and thoughtful which I think was good in hindsight. Had we broken up by phone I probably would've been lost for words. Obviously in person would've been ideal but if he couldn't do it via phone, I doubt he would've done it in person. On the other hand, while I understand his reasoning behind it, and honestly I do (and I don't expect you to because you don't have all the info), he needed to do what he needed to do but I feel like I never really got a chance to say goodbye. I think that's my biggest issue right now. I want closure, but I don't feel i've gotten that through a text.

How long does it take to get over someone? Obviously I will eventually, but these days, with social media in your face, you see everything. He said he hoped maybe down the line we could reconnect. I assume he meant as friends, which I don't have a problem with. But I'm not going to be the first to make a move. He blocked me on a couple of apps (you know the ones) but didn't unfriend me on Facebook, or unfollow or block me on Instagram, or snapchat. So yeah I still see him being happy, which i'm happy about. But have to stop myself liking things he posts or pictures on instagram. I guess everything will happen with time. And if I do hear from him again I do, and if I don't I don't. Welcome to relationships 101.

So I have a boyfriend...

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 06 Sep 2015 13:29:00 +0000

I don't really know how to begin this post. I seem to only post sporadically these days, but I reckon this is worthy of a post. The latest news is that I have a boyfriend :) I've only recently started calling him my boyfriend - I haven't dated a lot while i've lived here so it still feels a bit weird. Before that he was the guy I was seeing. I didn't even use the word dating.

So I'm not an experienced dater in the slightest. One of the things that happen growing up in an ultra religious household was that I wasn't expected to have a girlfriend, which was fine with me to be honest. When I did date girls it was at a point in my life when my parents thought it was time to get married so it was to find a wife. I think I've probably blogged about my experiences dating girls previously. I did have a boyfriend back when I lived in New York but that was all new to me.

Since I moved back to Australia I felt like it was time to let loose a little, keep everything casual, friends, hookups, but I always got to the point where I said I wasn't looking for anything serious. You know of the guy in my previous post, a hookup became friends which started leading into something more, but I didn't let it develop into anything more.

Enter a new guy from stage left. He was in town for work, which was fine as far as I was concerned. It started casually, and it started to develop from there, only this time I let it. We were hanging out alot. Drinks, movies, dinner, watching TV sharing a bottle of wine, we even did a trip away one weekend which was alot of fun. All those things would fall under the category of dates.

That being said, things have moved along slowly, at least from my end. While he's technically been living in my city, he hasn't met any of my family or friends. Obviously they've heard about him but that's it. Meanwhile, even though he's not actually from here, i've met a number of his friends. I remember the first time we met a friend of his, his first words were "so this is the boyfriend", so I guess, yes, I was the boyfriend. It felt weird, but good.

I was chatting about him to one of my friends and I said something along the lines of "I just take a while to open up to people". His response was dead straight... "A while? You don't open up to anyone. Ever." So maybe he's right. Maybe my boyfriend will take a while to learn about me. Until then, he's still my boyfriend, and there's other things to deal with. Like the fact that he's not living here anymore. Ideally i'd like to move where he is, but easier said than done. We'll see how the coming weeks go, but i'm happy, and in a good place :)

The incidental homewrecker

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 11:02:00 +0000

Hello blog readers. This is the story about how I became known as an incidental homewrecker - at least according to one of my friends.

Ever met someone for a random hookup and it kind of developed into something more? I met someone online (as you do, or at least as I do) and we really hit it off. I'm just gonna call him A for ease. We stayed up till about 2.30am texting and when we actually met instead of just hooking up we spent a few hours chatting over a bottle of wine. We started seeing quite a bit of each other, maybe a couple times a week. Cooking each other dinner, watching TV, having a few drinks. Yeah I may have spent the night but still. When we first met he'd just gotten out of relationship, and I wasn't looking to get into one with my life kind of being up in the air for a number of reasons, so it worked out well. Though we did start to develop feelings for each other. We both realised it but didn't let it develop further. Which I was quite ok with.

At one point he mentioned his ex wanted to reconcile but he wasn't sure that he wanted to. Let's call the ex D. As in dickhead, or douche. Take your pick. We talked a bit about it but it was his decision and nothing for me to get involved in. We started hanging out less, he said he was busy with work and he went away and he was dealing with the ex. I liked him. But we weren't dating. I was quite happy to let him figure out what he needed to figure out. Yes I wanted to remain friends either way, but I didn't want to get in the way of anything.

And then one day I received this:

Firstly, woohoo, my first ever text from someone's ex. Secondly, umm hell no. At this point we hadn't hung out for about 6 weeks, the texts had been few and far between, maybe once a week, along the lines of "Hi, how's it going?". I was at the point where I understood he needed to work things out and I thought i'd wait for him to contact me, rather than the other way around. If he didn't, so be it. But his ex texting me to stay away from him? No fucking way do I take orders from that dickhead/douche.

The first thing I did was contact A, basically saying D had somehow gotten my number and wanted me to stay away from A and never contact him again. Which I wasn't willing to do just because D wanted it so, and even if they did get back together there was no reason we couldn't be friends. That being said, I'd leave the ball in A's court.

As for D, I took my time in replying. I had a few versions that I ran past a couple of friends. They were like the good angel and the bad angel. One of them thought my responses were perfect. The other thought they were inflammatory and aggressive. Which they were, but that's how I felt. Hell hath no fury like a gay scorned, or something like that. You can see the progression below. On the far left is all me, a sarcastic bitch on a plate.

Somehow I ended up sending the one below - a sanitised version. See, I can be nice too.

D sends a reply, apologising. Apologising is one thing, apologising because you were drunk is another. Of course I then regret not being my original true self in the first place. If there was ever a time to give it to him, this was gonna be it.

Putting something behind us is fine, but he's still a dick.

I ended it by saying I couldn't ask for more. But he's still a dick. And if I never hear from him again i'll be overjoyed. Though in some ways I hope he does message me again, it's quite entertaining.

Wow it's been 4 months!

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 12:03:00 +0000

Hello there, you may remember me from this blog. I hardly blog at all these days, and then one day suddenly i'll think of something and then decide to blog. So here I am.

I wanted to start off this post talking about life's ups and downs, but I feel like i've began a few posts like that already, so it's getting a bit stale. On the other hand it's been 4 months, so who would remember besides me?

Lots of things have happened in the recent and not so recent times, things that I havent told anyone about. As days begin to blur, one into the next, I've begun to question where the hell my life is going. Have I made good choices in life. Some days i'd feel hopeful, and the next i'd feel helpless. I visited the beyond blue organisation's website and had a good read through. Depression. Anxiety. Am I depressed? There's a 1 minute anxiety and depression checklist, which I completed. Reading through the questions I thought i'd pass with flying colours but I scored 'moderate', whatever that means.

Reading more into it I checked out the signs and symptoms. Some things i'd think yeah that's me - not going out anymore? Yeah i've been a bit anti social (or maybe more than a bit). Some i'd think no way - sleeplessness, lack of appetite, unable to concentrate. So I decide to get back on the horse. It's sad that when I think I want to meet new people, I think of grindr et al. Personally, it's more a social app than a hookup app (mostly) but it's like I don't know how to meet people in real life anymore.

And suddenly i'm meeting/scheduled to meet up with a bunch of new people within a few weeks. That makes me happy. I felt more like my old self. My old self being always up for hanging out. A friend wants to go out for a drink or 3 at 11pm? I'm down with that.

The first one was a friend in town for the weekend so we spent Saturday night drinking and hit a club too till the early hours of the morning. It was actually a really fun night, something I felt like I hadn't done in a long time.

The next actually started with a hookup - well we'd chatted years ago but never met up, so we finally did. Then we spent an hour or 2 chatting and actually getting to know each other. Until he kicked me out of his bed. We caught up for drinks the following week (who knew beer needed to be vegan? lol). Then we went for a drive down to the beach (stopped at Maccas on the way) and I dropped him home. I can tell he likes me, but i'm really in a weird place at the moment. Not looking for dates, more mates which I hope he's ok with.

He wanted to catch up again and go for a drive, but then he offered me petrol money. I took that really badly. Wer're not going on a roadtrip! Yeah I know it was a nice gesture on his part but I wasn't seeing it. Maybe it's a matter of pride. Maybe it's a matter of not knowing him so well yet. I gave him a bit of a dressing down (via text) and then apologised which is what I always seem to do, but we'll catch up again soon, i'm sure. Well I think.

That brings us to this week. I had plans for both last night and tonight. The guy from last night suddenly had a work thing come up. Catching up afterwards was a possibility but I didn't hear back from him till this morning - which I thought was not cool. Then I messaged the guy I was supposed to catch up with for drinks tonight to reconfirm we were still on and he let me know he'd accidentally double booked. Maybe afterwards was an option but had to play things by ear (yeah afterwards didn't happen either). That's 0 for 2 this week.

What is it about social meets via grindr/manhunt/scruff that makes them so damn low in the food chain of social catchups? Somewhere between hanging out with a long lost cousin who only contacts you if he wants something and hanging with your homophobic uncle? (Just examples, not actual fact haha). It's almost like if anything else comes along you'd rather be doing that.

Maybe it's just me but if i'd book something in, not only would I be looking forward to it, but if something else comes up i'd turn it down. It's kind of like a first date. You could be a really awesome/funny/amazing/fill in adjective guy, but if we have to take a raincheck before we've even met, thats gotta leave a bad taste in your mouth.

And then there's another guy. Yes we were chatting on grindr for a good few days, got along like a house on fire. Funny, good looking (those 2 really do it for me). And when I load his grindr profile... online 7 days ago. I have a first name, and a street that he lives on. I'm not gonna try and track him down but if he never comes back online, that's pretty sad. I guess that really makes it 0 for 3 this week. I guess I don't need to wonder why i've become anti social...

May next week be a little brighter :)

Life is what you make of it, but I don't know what to make of these...

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 20 Jul 2014 04:03:00 +0000

Thinking back over the past weeks and months i've met some people that really have done my head in. I've talked about one guy already, the one who didn't know what he wanted and changed his mind every 5 seconds. Anyway, we basically settled on staying friends. Which seemed to be fine, until he went dark. At one point he wanted to have dinner with me and then the next he just completely stopped replying to all my texts. Weeks of nothing and then suddenly it's started up again, very slowly. I get the odd snapchat (g rated) from him and I may reply and that's about it. I don't know what the hell that is all about.

Then there was guy #2. We 'met' on scruff. Chatting and texting constantly. Eventually we caught up, meaning I went over to his place and had a couple drinks, finally chatting face to face. Well one thing lead to another, as it always does and we fooled around after which I went home. The next morning I sent him a text thanking him for a fun night. His reply? "No good :(" Not sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean. Certainly it wasn't a positive one. I replied with I think an ok, got it. Or something like that, actually disappointed. Eventually he texted me an apologised as that message wasn't meant for me. Really? WTF. He called, very apologetic about the whole thing, insisted that he had fun and did want to catch up again. Ok he convinced me.

The usual thing happens, lots of texts, chatting away. One day we made more plans. It was firm in that we were doing something, but hadn't finalised what we were going to do. He finishes work at 9. Of course I don't hear another word, until after midnight. He wants me to come over. Um no, so much for finishing work at 9? Oh he finished later and then went out for drinks with colleagues from work. Of course I don't hear from him for a while (like a few weeks) and I think back to when he had to convince me that he really did want to see me again. And I wonder if that was really true... He apologised for being a bad friend and I think things might be back to normal.

I got some travel under my belt, came back a few weeks later and texted him. The response? "Who is this? lol". I guess he didn't save my number, and deleted our message history. Just wonderful. He tried to guess who I was, and was not even in the ball park. After a few clues he figured out who I was, but still didn't remember what my name was. I had thought he was a nice guy, but there's only so many times you'll accept an apology before giving up on someone. And I think i've reached that point now.

Onto guy #3. This was a guy from the gym. I tend to be a more shy and reserved kinda guy. I don't normally approach random guys, i'm not forward in the slightest. But there was this guy, quite attractive and whenever he saw me at the gym he checked me out. That was it. Eventually I began doing the same. Like I'd go to the gym and hope to see him there. One day as I was leaving he saw me and stopped his workout and just looked. I smiled and stupid me instead of actually turning around and going up to him I continued walking out. I was so annoyed with myself, so the next time I saw him I made sure to go up to him and have a chat. I never ever do that so finally I grew some balls.

We had a nice chat at the gym and I was gonna head off so I asked for his number. And he wouldn't give it to me. Or he said he couldn't. It was a work phone and with the work that he did he wasn't allowed to give his number out. Weird I know but I was ok with that and gave him my own number. Of course I had no way to reach him so either I would see him at the gym next or I'd get a phone call. Waiting and waiting and waiting. He called me 3 loooooong days later. Obviously we live in the modern world and i'm used to being able to contact someone I want to instantly. Heck, i'm even used to contacting people I don't like instantly, can you imagine how crazy I must've been going waiting for this phone call?

I had posted a couple questions on facebook about him. Is it normal for someone not to be able to give you their number because they only have a work phone? Responses ranged from 'yes' to 'no he just didn't want to give you his number' and 'just likes the chase'. The next question was how long is normal to expect contact from someone you gave your number to. Most were along the lines of 1-2 days max. I told him what my friends thought of him lol. I saw him at the gym that night and I pushed him on a few things. How about an app on his phone that I can message him on? No not grindr, there are messaging apps out there, he wouldn't have to give me his number but I could message him when I wanted and so could he.

I also asked him how his friends ever contact him. Do they send an email and hope for a quick reply? I pushed on some other things as well. At what point does someone get his number? Dating? In a relationship? move in together? Marriage? It was mostly in jest but I think the whole 'I can't give you my number' is a bit weird. Saw him again at the gym the following night, had a bit of a chat. And then the next morning I get a phone call from a blocked number. Yep it's him. He thinks he's going to get a personal mobile phone. And he thinks we should stay friends. He thinks i'm funny and a cool guy to be around but he's not looking for a relationship and he believes I am. He would love to hang out, be friends, maybe work out together, that's it. He'd like to introduce me to one of his friends (still not sure if i'm supposed to be friends with this other guy or i'm supposed to date him). I was a bit lost for words.

We hadn't dated, we've barely had a few conversations, 2 of those were just mid workout at the gym. What kind of crap was that? Yeah I know I may have pushed him a bit but thats just bullshit. Obviously being comfortable and friendly with each other is important, but i'd be open to seeing where things go. I wasn't saying we're going to get married, but who closes things off before you've even started? No-one spends a few weeks checking someone out at the gym and thinks "i'd like to be his friend".

That's where we currently are and that's what i'm going to tell him next time I see him. As for being his friend, I just don't know. I have no problems making friends, and the more friends the merrier. But this whole thing has just pissed me off.

Dating

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Thu, 08 May 2014 12:33:00 +0000

Dating, I don't date. Or so my friends tell me. One in fact said he'd love to meet the guy I agree to date because I don't date. Maybe I just don't really consider it dating until it starts getting serious when I am actually dating. Maybe i'm commitment phobic. Maybe I just seem to pick the wrong guys.

There was this one guy. We met at a jewish social event and started chatting on facebook soon after. Then we made (potential) plans to catch up, and then it went downhill. It was Christmastime, he said he'd try but work was crazy at the time and after Christmas he was going overseas for a month. So it might be some till we actually caught up. I will say I wasn't looking at it as a date but maybe there was potential down the track. Even a mutual friend gave his approval, lol.

When he got back from overseas I got in touch. He was still keen but let me know he'd started seeing someone and wasn't sure if I still wanted to catch up that being the case. Well I was still keen. Like I said, I wasn't looking at it like a date, but still it stung a little. At times when he was free I was busy or outta town, when I was in town he was interstate for work. It looked like it'd never happen. Eventually we caught up for drinks. Four freaking months after we first met. I thought it went well, we got along well, and i'm always happy to have a new mate to hang out with.

When the night ended and went downhill. I said we should catch up again, and hopefully sooner than 4 months. He said something along the lines 'i'm sure i'll see you at the next event' (from the group where we met initially). Well that was a big thumbs down if I'd ever heard one. Basically I don't want to hang out but I'm sure i'm bump into you at some point in the future. Yay me. Fuck guys.

Round 2. Argh!

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 15 Feb 2014 10:51:00 +0000

So you probably remember this guy. A wise man told me to forget about him and not to do anything stupid, i.e. shag him. But i'm a woos. While we didn't shag, we kind of made up for the miscommunication about midsumma and he still wants to hang out. I told him a shag would need a discussion before it even had a remote chance of happening, but I was happy to hang out as mates no problem. So we made plans to hang out.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate deciding what to do. Let someone else pick, or at least give me some options if I'm the one who's gonna make the decision. He wouldn't have a bar of it. I had no clue what he enjoys doing but a bit of facebook stalking and I came up with the perfect thing, given the hot weather we were having. I told it was going to be a surprise but he kept on asking what we were doing. I thought it was hilarious and it seemed he did too, all his messages wanting the details ended in a 'lol' or a 'haha' or something like that. A few days before we were supposed to catch up when I still wouldn't tell him he called me an asshole and said he wasn't coming. I told him it was his loss. I figured that was the end of it.

First the 'we can be friends/lovers/nothing' episode and now this. Seriously, I don't know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I can't handle this shit. He sent me a happy valentines day message and got annoyed when I didn't send him one back and tonight he wanted to hang out and I turned him down. Maybe he'll get the hint or maybe I need to come out with and say I can't be friends with him cos he's an asshole. You can't treat me like crap more than once and then just expect everything to go back to normal. I don't deserve it.

I can't see you again

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 10:33:00 +0000

Having been almost 12 months since I posted last, I've noticed one thing. I don't use the blog in the same way that I used to when I started it. Now it's more when I'm frustrated about something i've got one way to let it all out... on here. Which brings me to this post, Yay.

Recently someone friended me on facebook. He asked if I remembered him (I didn't), apparently he'd messaged me on Grindr a few years back and I never replied (oops). Anyway, we got chatting, seemed to get along well, and made plans to meet up for some drinks. Ended up at his place with a bottle of wine (which I drank most of as he was having beers), and I had some double Jaeger shots and a shot of vodka (I had, not we). We got along well, and I ended up spending the night (and may have fooled around a little). So far so good.

The next day we SMSed quite a bit and he asked if I wanted to come to Midsumma with him. I replied that I'd love to and then he threw a couple questions at me. 1) Do I wanna sleep with him and 2) if I wasn't leaving Melbourne, would I consider dating someone like him?

Question 2 was easier to answer because it was all a hypothetical - since I'm planning on moving interstate. Easy to answer yes. Question 1 wasn't so easy, I didn't have an issue with it, but thought it might make things complicated. Especially since I know he wanted to date me. He was fine with it, staying as mates, even suggested I come over Saturday night too, stay the night, as mates of course.

The next day we were chatting again as one does, and he drops some bombshells. He misses me and wants to fool around again. So much for staying as mates. I put it to him the same way i'd put it to him previously. I have no problem with it, but can he handle fooling around, knowing that is all it's gonna be. First he said no, he wanted the whole package, but then changed his tune to say he likes me, and i'm leaving, so why not make the most of it while we can. So it looked like sex was back on the table. I clarified that sex and/or fooling around is all it was gonna be.

Then he floors me... "I can't see you again." I did not see that coming at all. I figured if he couldn't handle sex without a date we'd just be mates as he'd said we would the day before. I did enjoy hanging out with him and wanted to stay mates. Whatever, that's how the night ended.

The next day he messages me again, clearly he'd seen my facebook status update. I asked why we couldn't be friends? To which he replies, oh ignore what I said yesterday, i'm strong enough to put my feelings for you behind me and continue to be mates. Bloody hell, ok looks like we're back on as friends. So to speak.

Fast forward a few hours later, and he wants to ask me something. Well he can ask next time he sees me. No he'll just ask by text. Turns out he's keen to hookup before I leave. Well isn't this a bit of a rollercoaster ride. We've gone from fooling around, to just friends, to fooling around, to a potential shag, to never seeing each other again, back to friends, back to there being potential for sex. Well at least that's clarified, or is it? I'm still at the point where i'm ok with it, but he's change his mind so many times, who's to say what he'll be feeling in a day or a week? What if we do and then he changes his mind and regrets it? I know that might not be my problem, but it just complicates everything.

Later on that day he asked my plans for the night. I had none, and he suggested I come over and then go with him to Midsumma the next day. Exactly as he'd suggested a few days earlier. I suggested he choose, either Saturday night, or go to Midsumma together as I wanted some time to organise other things for a trip I was going on in a couple days. He chose Midsumma and that was that.

I assumed i'd hear from him sometime the next morning to sort out plans or where we'd meet. I mean he'd brought up Midsumma twice in as many days and both times I said yes I'd go with him. But I wasn't hearing anything from him. Not a word. Had he forgotten? Changed his mind? Eventually it got to about 1.30pm and i figured I'd text him. I asked what he was up to. He replied he was getting sunburnt, lol. He got a lol and thats it from me. Maybe i'm way to fucking sensitive for this game but it was at that point that I wished we'd left it at "I can't see you again".

Gays are cunts

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:01:00 +0000

NSA this, NSA that. You see these 3 letters everywhere. No strings attached. No-one wants anything more than NSA. But why is that? What's wrong with the usual mates, dates, possibly relationship? For starters it's so easy, you go online or load the app and you can pretty much find something that tickles your fancy.

I think there's another reason why guys might follow that path. As a wise man once said (on his grindr profile no less) Gays are cunts. As simple as that. Why go through all the effort of becoming mates with someone that may lead to FWB, or date someone, if you can get what you're looking for without it all? Not saying that a shag is the end game but it's certainly part of it. A physical relationship without having to deal with all the crap that comes from the other stuff.

I've got a couple of experiences that lead me to agree with the gays are cunts slogan. Not that I didn't know some gays were cunts, but I didn't expect it from these guys.

One was a friend. Someone i'd considered a good friend, used to hang out quite a lot. Back in January I had tickets to the Australian Open tennis and asked if he wanted to join me. Midnight the night before he cancels on me, because he couldn't be bothered going. I let it go, but not like I was going to find someone else to join me at the last minute, and trust me I tried. Even people who were just acquaintances rather than friends. But if you get a call Sunday morning saying I have a spare ticket for today, most people already have their weekend planned. Since then i've tried numerous times, suggesting we go out for drinks and I get no response. I don't know what i've done but we've just really grown apart. I attempted to reconnect last week and at least I got a response. I'm leaving the ball in his court. I haven't seen him in 6 months and i'm certainly not holding my breath.

Case #2. I recently started dating someone. It's only been 3 dates so far. First attempt we were trying to organise a day to meet for drinks and I suggested the following Sunday and he said 'we'd play it by ear'. I joked with him if that meant depending on whether he got a better offer. But maybe there was some truth to it. That Sunday didn't work out but we did organise another day. We got along well, he was certainly interested in date 2. Date 2 came and went and at the end he brought up date 3. He suggested either the following Thursday or the weekend as it was a long weekend. Sounded good to me, but Thursday didn't happen so I asked about the weekend and he said he wasn't sure about his weekend plans but we'd play it by ear. Suffice to say it didn't happen that weekend either.

Eventually we got date 3 done - a movie this time. As I dropped him home we talked about #4. That upcoming weekend. He had something on the Saturday and didn't want to have a big day on Sunday so we decided on Friday. A couple days later I messaged him to finalise plans for Friday and said he wasn't sure about Friday and might have to change it to Sunday. Thats where we are now. I enjoy spending time with him and we get along well, but I can't help but feel like i'm consistently being blown off. He either changes the date when we'd planned to meet, or won't confirm anything until close to it as it depends on his other plans even though he was the one who had suggested it in the first place.

I certainly don't think I need to be the #1 priority in his life, but it's almost like i'm his backup plan, and if something else comes up he'll reschedule on me. Am I being too sensitive? Am I being a dick? Or are gays cunts? Surely it's not just me. Or is it?

Goodbye?

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 04 May 2013 13:23:00 +0000

Blogs, blogs, blogs everywhere. Well thats how it used to be. When I started to blog I was an avid reader of blogs and thought why not start my own. I was seeking support at the time but also an outlet. For those purposes it has served me well, made some new online and offline friends, i've been mentioned in other blogs. It's been a bumpy ride, plenty of highs and lows. I've been told this sometimes reads like a sex blog, and that may be so, but i always felt like it was a window to my life. Kind of like my diary if i'd had one.

Fast forward over 5 years from when I began and i'm in a very different place in my life. I haven't blogged in 9 months! Not saying that nothing has happened worth blogging about, in fact lots has happened that I could've blogged about, but I haven't felt the need to. I think after 220 posts, 875 comments, over 100,000 words, maybe it's time to hang up my keyboard. So for those who've come along for the ride, thanks for reading, I may even surprise you with a post somewhere down the track, but no promises!

Me

I fucked up :(

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 08:54:00 +0000

I fucked up, big time. I've been chatting to a guy online for a while and we'd been trying to make plans to meet up and things just never worked out. Finally after about a couple months we finally were able to plan some drinks. Date and time was set, Friday night at the Greyhound. Easy enough. I met him there and we got a drink and started to chat. And suddenly it became clear to me. OMG he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Let's go back to the very beginning. My name is not Jay Murray. I guess you could call it a pseudonym I came up with years ago, back when no-one knew I was gay. It became a fake identity. It's the listed author of this blog, there's even a fake facebook account. But none of it is real. People that have actually met me, know who I really am. If I chat to anyone or meet anyone these days they know who I am, if i'm chatting on grindr or manhunt they get my real name (except the one guy who saw me on grindr and is my 'facebook friend' who thinks I'm Jay... kinda awkward to correct you so i've let sleeping dogs lie, sorry!).

Anyway back to this guy. I've got a profile on Aussiemen.com.au, I made it years ago but rarely use it. I've never met someone from it, and the people who message me on it aren't people i'd ever want to meet anyway (pretty much 17 year old twinks who want to be barebacked or 60+ year old men - no thanks). Anyway so one day I get a message from a random profile on there. Not much by way of info, and no pics. Thats always a bad sign, but I replied to his message anyway for some reason. He said he didn't have pics yet as they were awaiting approval (they always are) but he could email me some. Mmm, what if it ends up being some creep who I'd rather block? Do I really want him having my real contact details? I don't even know what he looks like! So I gave him the email address attached to the profile of this blog's author... Jay Murray.

We swapped pics, seemed like a nice guy. Emailed a bit, then I found him on grindr and we chatted some more there, eventually swapped numbers and chatted some more. If I wanted to meet someone I don't usually let things drag on so long without actually meeting them, but he was sick, then I was sick, then he was away, eventially we were able to make plans. Initially he'd wanted to hook up but I asked if he was up for drinks. He seemed like a decent guy, why does he need to be just a shag?

Fast forward to Friday night, around 2 months after his first message. We're finally meeting. And he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck! I'm 99% sure at an early point in our chats over the last couple of months i'd told him my actual name. But here it was biting me in the ass. I told him the whole story and the reasons for doing what I did but he was very weirded out by the whole thing. So I gave him an out, I told him i'd walk away then and there and call it a night if he wanted. But he didn't. So I thought things were ok.

Funnily enough we actually got along really well. Similar age, similar interests. Everything was going great. Drinking, maybe a smoke here and there, a bit of a shuffle on the dancefloor, met some other people it was all going well. Or so I thought.

At about 2.30am we were outside in a small group, and he went inside with another guy and a couple minutes later so did I. I couldn't find him, but eventually I found the other guy who told me he'd left the building. Well that was a dissappointment, I had no interest staying there any more so I left myself. I checked Grindr and couldn't see him anymore so I figured he'd blocked me. I sent him a text apologising for the situation and wished him well. Well that was kind of a waste of a night.

The next morning my phone vibrated and it was a message from him. The time stamp showed it had been sent the previous night and said -" I've had to leave, thanks for a good night". Well what am I supposed to make of that? Is it i've had to leave because you're a weirdo? Thanks for a good night lets do it again sometime, or thanks for a good night but never contact me again? Was Grindr playing up and had he really not blocked me?

So I asked. And I was right the first time. What a dissapointing way to end and the only person to blame is myself :(

Enough to make you want to turn straight!

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 18 Aug 2012 07:47:00 +0000

I may sound like a whiny bitch, but life can sometimes be a struggle. Not sure if it's worse in the gay world but it sure feels like it. With everything going on, I thought I really need to meet some new people. I need to make some real friends. Real gay friends. I didn't think it was too much to ask, this post will recount some experiences i've had over the past 10 months or so that just make me question everything.

A couple were friends that I just expected more from. In Judaism after someone passes away the initial mourning period is called the shiva and lasts for 7 days. Traditionally during the shiva family members gather in one home and receive visitors (thanks Wikipedia). I guess there were some people I expected to see during the shiva. Some of those did visit and it was very much appreciated. Some (well one) told me he would come and I fully expected to see him. Only he never showed and it was dissappointing. Maybe I just expected more from someone who is Jewish because he knows what it's all about.

Another friend wanted to hang out and it was just bad timing, so i told him to try me in a week or 2 i'd be up for it. I next heard from him 6 months later. Maybe i'm being too critical, but these are people I just expected more from. They were considered my friends!

The rest I don't know what I expected. Gays in Melbourne who happen to be assholes probably outnumber the normal ones. The first guy was from Grindr. I told him i wasn't in the mood to date but looking to make friends. We made plans to meet up and and in the process of chatting it became clear that he still was looking to date, but willing not to call this a date. On further discussion when he finally got that I didn't want to date, he decided he couldn't be friends with me either. Whatever...

Onto the next one - this time a guy from manhunt. We'd been chatting a while and decided to meet for a drink. We set the date but not time or place. I'd given him my number but never got his. On the day we were supposed to meet I messaged him online and he replied that he was at a mate's place and when he got home he'd be in touch and we'd confirm everything. That was the last time I heard from him. He dissappeared for about a month, then reappeared all apologetic about what happened. Had some stuff going on, ok fine lets try again. Made plans the next week. Same thing happened, just dissappeared off the face of the earth.

The next one was from Scruff. Chatting for a couple weeks, eventually became facebook friends. As soon as I mention the possibility of meeting for a drink. Boom, radio silence. The next guy - can't remember how we first contacted each other but made plans to meet for drinks. Of course the day of the said planned meeting I message him to confirm that we're still on. No response. I gave him a few hours before messaging again. Still no response. I called, no answer. Figured this wasn't going to happen, so instead of heading towards where we were going to meet after work, I headed home. Later that night he called and made some lame excuse. Whatever, and then he gave me grief when I wasn't so excited about trying again.

Who should we pick on next? Ah yes. This guy first chatted on manhunt, then grindr, chatting for a while, made plans to meet for a drink. The day of, he messaged that he had to cancel. Very apologetic, he said it was unlike him, he wasn't the kind of guy that cancels at the last minute. He was definitely interested in meeting up with me and would reschedule. I'm sure you know how that ended. Messages never got replies. Mr 'I don't cancel on people at the last minute and really want to meet you' became 'Mr i'm going to ignore you'.

What the fucking fuck? Is it just guys in this city? Is it just gay guys in general? Where are the nice guys and why can't I find them? I'd like to think i'm one of the nice guys, but maybe we're all just assholes. Surely it can't be this hard for straights.

I'm not always such a complainer. Next posts will have some positive results :)

Untitled... just because

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 10:35:00 +0000

Shit fuck shit. There's really no other words for it. It's been a crazy shitty depressing 6 months. So many things are flying through my head right now I don't even know where to begin...

In August last year my father was diagnosed with leukaemia (yeah that's how we spell it). Come December he was gone. Just like that. 3 and a half months of hope, faith, optimism and hopelessness, anguish and despair. He was only 63.

Diagnosis began with a bit of a shock. No symptoms or anything that someone might think he had a disease of some sort. It came up in a blood test he had, which was clear only 3 months earlier. Diagnosis was confirmed with a biopsy and suddenly he's having chemo.

I never expected it to go the way it did. He was having heavy duty chemo, I think for a week or 10 days straight. Surely that would help. But it didn't. It made him so weak and only destroyed a small fraction of the cancer that was there. There were periods where he was in and out of the ICU, dealing with pneumonia among other things.

Then it was time to try a different treatment. But he only managed one round before they said there was no point. He wouldn't survive the next round, and continuing it could actually hasten the end.

And that was it - there was nothing more anyone could do but wait and make him as comfortable as possible. Ensure everyone was able to say their goodbyes and wait. At one point when things weren't looking good, my brother jumped on a plane from the US and spent a couple weeks here. When things improved slightly he went back and returned with the rest of his family. He made it back just in time to have a couple days before dad started to rapidly decline.

I never want to have the need to visit that hospital again. I spent so much time there, visiting on the way to work, during lunch, after work. Weekends and Jewish holidays I stayed at a hotel to be nearby. Towards the end I was sleeping at the hospital at night. Not that there weren't nurses there to take care of him, but if he woke up agitated, he needed someone familiar to help him calm down. Someone to convince him to allow them to give him pain meds or oxygen. Otherwise he'd just refuse.

There were times I was scared. Being in the same room and thinking he looks in such bad shape I think he's going to die tonight. And i'm here alone, i've never been more scared in my life.

He passed away early on a Sunday morning, only hours after most of us had left the hospital to go home to get some rest. Most of what came after that is all a blur. I know it happened, but I don't feel it.

I don't even know why I'm even blogging about this. Maybe I needed to get it all out of my system so I can try and move on.

Goodbye Dad

Making new mates part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 12:06:00 +0000

It's been a while since I last blogged, been alot of stuff happening, which you'll find out about in the next blog post, so you gotta stay tuned. Making friends is always a bit of a mixed bag.

I've been hanging out some more with the guys mentioned in the previous post. I met up with J for dinner one night at Pelican on Fitzroy St. It's a nice little tapas-style, share plates restaurant.

We had a good time, and gave him a lift home. And thats where it ends for some reason. We texted a bit back and forth after that but eventually I just stopped trying. I don't know what I did or if he wasn't interested or what. I guess i'll never know.

Moving onto S. S started things of with a bang. So many things he wanted to do, make new friends, meet new people, hang out. It sounded perfect for a new gay mate. It started off well. One Friday night he decided he was having a pyjama party. He lives just up the road so why the hell not. They were watching Bridesmaids on DVD, and everyone has to make a dessert.

Mmm, when was the last time I baked something? Ages ago, and never in this oven. Time to test out a recipe. I walked over in my pyjamas, as one does. It was a smashing success, rich, decadent, chocolate brownies. Though I think I had chocolate overload that night.

Lots of chocolate, lollies, cake, wine and more wine. Got to meet some new people (funny thing, the host had met everyone there on grindr, except his fag hag). Since then things have sort of started to tail off. We've hung out a bit but more in a group setting at the Greyhound usually. I don't know what it is, we've just never managed to hang out 1 on 1 since then.

Moving onto the next guy. This will be J #2. J #2 is an American guy who moved to Oz not long ago. He hosted a friday night Shabbat dinner at his place a couple months back. Again, I had a nice time, meeting different people, the food was great and then I made my way home.

And then we have J#3. We met on grindr, chatted for a bit, ended up at his place for a few drinks one Sunday arvo. And that was basically it. We bumped into each other a few times at the railway hotel since then, but other than that, pretty much nothing. A random hi hows it going on grindr but thats pretty much it.

Lastly we have D. A guy i met at the railway, eventually said hi to and swapped numbers. We tried to meet up a few times and he always cancelled. Eventually I stopped trying...

I don't know if it's me, or its the people gay guys I tend to meet, but more often than not I end up thinking why bother in the first place :(

Making new mates, part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 14:05:00 +0000

As i've blogged about time and time again, i'm always looking to make new friends. You just can't have too many and these ones are all normal!

The first one i'll talk about i'll refer to as B. I woke up one Sunday morning to a message from him on grindr. Yep i'd fallen asleep with without closing it so had quite a few. He was visiting from Sydney and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up with him and his mates for a drink that arvo. I had to think twice about it, its one thing if you know one of a group, but to not know anyone, I wasn't sure. But I bit the bullet anyway and met them at Wonderland on Chapel St.

It turned out he was a really nice guy and a few of his others friends were there too and we hit it off. They loved stories of my suicide bomber friend from the night before (see here). Of course B was flying out that night so after a good few drinks he caught a taxi and went to the airport. I stuck around with the others, met some others who were there, and then suddenly B calls. His flight is cancelled due to the volcano so he's coming back to rejoin the party. And rejoin he did, i was probably there drinking for 7 hours or so, lots and lots of wine. It must have affected the other guys quite a bit as twice someone kicked the table and ended up spilling wine all over me, but it was still a fun night.

The next guy I'll call D. I met him on manhunt. We'd been chatting a bit before I left for London, but decided to make some plans once I returned. This time we met at Orange Cafe in Windsor. Again, a really nice guy, a bit interesting and quirky, turns out he was Jewish too. Had some food and glass of wine and made plans to meet again soon. A week or so later we met up for lunch near where he worked. And then he gave me a tour of his office. I won't elaborate more on that, lol. I haven't heard from him in a while and haven't attempted to make contact but it's all good.

The next ones are S and J. They're kinda intertwined in that I'd been chatting on J who I met on Manhunt but was yet to meet him in person. The I met S on grindr (as one does). Anyway we'd been chatting for a while (still talking about S here) and OMG his profile pic is amazing. Torso only but wow! Just by looking at a pic like that tells me 'chat all you want, but he's way out of your league'. But chat is fine, a little flirting here n there, a few pics, and then he says to me that he knows he's going out on a limb but would I be up for meeting socially. Would I ever! (and no I wasn't thinking befriend him first, shag him later). Well we spoke first, we have very similar senses of humour, full of little pokes and digs at each other, we got along really well.

One night he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Now that could've been a euphamism for something that I wasn't aware of (should've checked urban dictionary before I accepted), but I agreed. Since we met on Grindr after all, I knew he lived fairly close, and he was taking his dog for a walk. I'm not a dog person in general but he has the cutest little dog you've ever seen, it almost looks like a toy. We had a good walk, about 5km, chatting about everything under the sun. Of course he's jewish too, lol (who do so many people turn out to be jewish?!?). At one point he decided to take the dog to Alma Park for a bit as we were passing. For those that don't know, Alma Park is known to be a cruising area, especially at night. At the back of my mind I was thinking what is going on over here? Are we really going to Alma Park at night? What exactly is he trying to do? Heck if he wanted to do what this place is known for, all he had to do was ask, lol. But no, he just wanted to let his dog run around about, but it was too dark so it stayed on the leash, we did a circuit and left. Eventually I dropped him off home.

I think thats a great friends score if there ever was one. Will there ever be anything more? Probably not, we're sort of sexually incompatible, lol. But a good mate is a good mate :)

I made plans to meet up with J that weekend. We decided on the Greyhound which I hadn't been to in ages. And when I say ages I mean at least a year! Back then it wasn't the greatest place, but they'd done a renovation since then so I was curious to check it out. Of course then S texts me asking if I wanna go to the greyhound. So the night turns into a 3some (no not what you're thinking). I drove there with S and we had a drink till J showed up fashioinably late. Mmm what can I say, he's a really nice guy and it was a really enjoyable night. Drinks, dancefloor, drinks on the dancefloor (you don't wanna know), sometimes 2 of us, sometimes 3 of us. J and I stayed till they closed at 3. What else is there to do when you a place like that at 3am? Get a kebab from next door of course!

Now i'm not one to get carried away, but he was a nice guy :) Fast forward to the next morning where I made my way home... and that's the end of that episode. More coming soon!

The date from hell... that wasn't

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 12:21:00 +0000

Just so we're clear, it wasn't a date. Now that's out of the way I can begin.

A guy messages me on gaydar, and of course we start chatting a bit. As you know i'm keen to meet new people and make new friends, so why not. He lived in the northern suburbs but one weekend he told me he was going to be near where I live, so we made plans to meet. I suggested a drink, he said how about coffee? And coffee it was to be.

We planned to meet at Chocolateria San Churro which is best described as a chain of chocolate cafes, which in addition to the usual cafe fare they have Spanish hot chocolate and churros, I've loved churros ever since I first had then in Buenos Aires. There is one on Chapel St which is close by.

Well I got there, and the place was packed, and he was sitting on a bench nearby so we got a table outside. I had a hot chocolate, he didn't want anything. We this is going to go great I thought. He was honestly one of the rudest people i've ever met. For starters he cruised every single cute guy that walked past. Actually, make that every guy. He didn't just check them out, he literally stared at them. Literally turning his head as they walked by. I mean really?!

Things didn't get better at all. He was an Aussie but of French/Palestinian heritage and had lived both in France and Gaza for many years. He was wearing one of the Yasser Araft teatowels as a scarf, lol. I didn't tell him I was Jewish, I figured he might press the detonator.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a racist person. I'm generally a very friendly person and get along well with most people. But this guy was just an asshole. Apparently he doesn't get on with anglos well because all they do is drink and think about where their next drink will be. He gets along more with people from a similar background to him. He also said he didn't have many friends and then told me about one of his good friends he'd planned on meeting up with but they had to cancel. Then it turned out this friend was a cousin.

One of the great quotes of the night was that he would only become friends with a) people he could have an intelligent conversation with (which is a bit overboard but whatever) and b) people that were open to his political views and beliefs. Within 15 minutes of meeting him he'd already told me his thoughts on September 11, the wars on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan, and that Israel was killing all the Palestinians. He worked in pharmaceuticals so I'm sure he had something to do with chemical weapons R&D, lol.

I was dying to get out of there (lest he detonate, lol) it was just too awkward. Any conversation between us was started by me, otherwise we would've sat in silence. After almost an hour I figured enough was enough, and we went our separate ways. And he wonders why he has no friends....

Had it been a date, I would've called it the date from hell. Alas it was just a random stranger from gaydar who probably will never have any friends unless his social skills improve immensely. The moral of the story is to try to be more picky when it comes to meeting random people for a bevvy. Or just chat more before you decide to meet. And maybe stick to people on this side of the river :) I'm glad though in further blog posts things have improved immensely.

Jay

God save the queens

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 11:53:00 +0000

Well the time had arrived for my next overseas jaunt. This time to London. It had come sooner than expected, only about 4 months after i'd returned from my previous trip, but when one of your best friends gets married, how can you not go? It was going to be a fairly quick trip. Quick in the that it was taking me over 24 hours to fly each way, yet I was only staying for 8 days.

I used miles for the trip and flew in business class, which was a hoot :) Nothing like actually getting some decent sleep on board, plus decent food and wines (and champagne!). The only problem is how will I ever fly in economy ever again?!

As is per usual, I packed like I was going overseas for a month, not just a week. You never know when you might need all those items of clothing, and it's London at the end of spring. It could be warm, it could be cold, it could be rainy, it could be a heatwave, it could be a blizzard. Well maybe i'm getting carried away but I think I had 6 or 7 pairs of shoes with me. Told you I overpack.

Anyway, the day had arrived. I finished work, finished packing and then it was airport time. Another reason I love travelling in business class is there's less hassle. Faster checkin, faster immigration (sometimes), faster baggage on arrival, and you can chillax in the lounge, which is exactly where I went after check in. As one does, I got a glass of wine and checked out grindr. Got chatting to a guy who was in a different lounge. I was flying to Bangkok and he to Hong Kong.

Eventually they called for boarding and off we went. A nice 4 course meal was served, and then a nice long sleep before arriving into Bangkok. I had a decent amount of connection time so I was able to check out the lounges (and have a very welcome shower) and the spa. Had an awesome neck and shoulder massage, complimentary because i'm a VIP (or maybe just I was flying in business class). The next flight was more of the same and what felt like an eternity later we finally landed in Heathrow. It actually was like an eternity because it was almost 30 hours from departure to landing.

From the time I landed I was constantly on the go. A girl at work had lived in London for 10 years so she gave me a list of places to go to (she also told me drugs were cheap in London if I was into that kind of stuff lol). I got to my hotel and told me the groom's family were waiting for me at a nearby restaurant. With the bucks party, wedding related events and meals both pre and post-wedding, meeting a long lost relative for dinner one night, time was of the essence. I toured during the day, meeting up with friends, checking out some sights. I was walking along Saville Row one afternoon and popped into the Ben Sherman store. As I walked out there was a parking inspector outside, who asked me if I owned the Bentley parked there. I wish!

I even went on a bar crawl through Soho (albeit during an afternoon). A mate of mine is a bartender there so knows his way around :) Getting pissed during the day wasn't intentional, but gladly it sort of wore off by the time I went to a dinner party that night. I also saw the show Legally Blonde at the Savoy theatre with a friend and really enjoyed it. We were going to see Lord of the Flies at the open air theatre but the only day with bad weather nixed that plan.

Unfortunately the fun had to end eventually and I left, determined to visit again someday.

Now that's over, I can stop writing posts where I did this and this and that and move onto more serious things :)

Catch ya later

We're all living in Amerika, Amerika ist wunderbar

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 14 May 2011 12:43:00 +0000

Hi,

I have no idea how many posts this will take, but it's about time I posted about my 'recent' trip to the US. It's not exactly so recent any more, but no better time like the present. Especially since i fly out on another trip in 3 days!

So where do we begin... getting on a plane in Melbourne, to fly to Sydney, to fly to San Francisco where i got felt up by the TSA. That was great. I could've gotten the same thing done to me by some guy on Manhunt and gotten paid for it! Welcome to the USA. Well the next flight was better, especially with free wifi for 5.5 hours. But really what is there to do, even with wifi? Email, facebook, grindr, facebook, grindr, email, grindr, facebook. I followed my flight tried to get some sleep to. It was actually fun using grindr because the wifi signal had me at SFO, so people would message me things like "I'm at the Hyatt SFO, where are you?" And my reply would be something like "I'm in a plane somewhere over Nebraska :)"

I had 2.5 weeks in NYC and other than a few set things i didn't make major plans. I had a friend's wedding to attend (that was the major reason for the trip), i had family to visit, friends to see from when I was living over there a year earlier. It was gonna be great!

I rented a car and drove to a friend's place in manhattan where i was crashing during my stay. Another reason I rented a car because i'd planned on spending the next day shopping at an outlet mall. And shop i did, filling up the trunk of my car! I'd gotten a sim card so my iphone would work, alas it didn't. Gotta sort this out, but have no time!

I had a JQY meeting that night, which was perfect timing, seeing all my old friends was great! Of course afterwards was the obligatory drinks at the Candlebar, and meeting up with those straight people who don't attend JQY stuff.

It was a great night but I needed to get home so I could pack a small bag as I was heading to Boston for the weekend. A friend of mine was in college up there so thought it'd be great to head up and see him. and what fun we had, i took the boltbus up, and ended up sitting next to a jewish italian chick who was freaking hilarious. At the stop she called her mum to tell her all about the gay jewish aussie she'd met :)

Boston was a blast. Dinner at the Paramount, drinks at the beehive with a bunch of his friends, back to his place at Louisberg square to sleep (yes to sleep!), brunch at the Beacon Hill Hotel, ice skating at the Frog Pond, and then back to the station for the bus ride home. And met a cool guy in Rhode Island on grindr, but that's another story.

I made some plans to meet up with a random facebook friend that night for a drink but i screwed that up. Train took longer than I planned and by the time I got there he'd gone and my phone still wasn't working so had no way to let him know. I ended up at Starbucks and chilled with a cappucino before making the ride back home.

I got home and at 2am the neighbours decided it was time to party. I know it's saturday night but really?!? I updated my facebook status "so the neighbours are having a party at 2am. Is it some dominican or puerto rican holiday or something?" Well of course it was as I was informed soon after that if they are Mexican or Hispanic origin that day was the feast of our Lady of Guadalupe. Not like i need sleep anyway.

The next day was a hectic day, shopping, meeting my jewish african american friend for dinner (mu mum loves her, lol) and then off clubbing. First Griffin, and when that finished, off with a bunch of randoms to Greenhouse. Love Sundays in NYC :) and made it back at about 6am.

The next day was a trip to Looooooooong Island to visit some family. Great to see them but it went so quick it felt like it was over before it started. Of course the rest of the week meant lots of shopping, and visiting starbucks for their wifi because my phone still wasn't working! Argh! So annoying. And of course meeting up with friends for either a coffee, or dinner. At the end of the week it was time for the bucks party (or bachelors party as american's call it) which was fun and not too crazy. I met a friend for drinks at the Stonewall Inn and went with another one to Duplex to see a show which was hilarious. I went to a friend's birthday party at Plunge at the Gansevoort Hotel which was really cool.

Of course then was the wedding which was great. It was in Jersey, and that was really the main reason for my trip, with all the parties involved with the wedding, from shabbat before, meals, kiddushim and then the wedding. Was really glad i went. Of course then my mate's wife want to hang out with me and get to know me because she has a bunch of single friends. I told him to tell the bad news that i wouldn't be interested.

I was busy being a bit of a foodie, lots of food, eating at restaurants, even some kosher ones ;) exploring the city, the obligatory visit to Splash one night, how could i not! It was Twink Tuesdays, lol. The next night was another barhop with another friend i used to hang with. Wednesday nights always began at the Phoenix, then pizza at Artichoke (can't remmber the exact name but it was good!) And ended the night at boxers for a nightcap. Didn't want too late a night as the next day was a busy day so made it back home at a bout 3am-ish.

The next night was one big party i'd planned on attending - The Jewbillee - which was a gay jewish xmas eve party being held at Slate. Well it wasn't quite on Xmas eve because that ended up being on a Friday, so the party was on a thursday which mean everyone could come :) One of my random fb friends from Oz was visiting and asked if i was attending the party. Hell yeah i was! And so was he, so we made plans to finally meet up. The party was great, met up with a bunch of other friends I hadn't seen yet, and some other facebook randoms. And then my hot Aussie friend showed up. We drank, we danced, ended up pashing on the dancefloor. I'm bad, really bad. Though another of my friends did congratulate me on sealing the deal. Umm that's not quite sealing the deal, and no I won't be elaborating on that ;)

My last few days were to be spent on Long Island with family before heading to JFK just before the big blizzard was supposed to arrive. Of course time with family means a discussion on homosexuality and being questioned about my refusal to see a psychologist who could 'fix' my 'problem'. FML.

The day of my departure it started snowing in the morning, it hadn't snowed once the entire time I was there. I was scheduled on one of the last flights out of there. Sitting onboard, listening to air traffic control (united channel 9, love it), we deiced, taxied to the runway, only for it to be closed so it could be plowed, headed back to the gate for de-icing again. But eventually with the weather getting worse they cancelled the flight and the airport shut down. Well that was great, what happens now? I went back to checkin to get rebooked. With all the cancellations the earliest I could be rebooked was for a week later. Glad travel insurance came in handy, as they covered my accomodation and meal expenses for the rest of the week.

So no more staying with friends and family, time for a hotel. Once it stopped snowing I realised i needed boots. So of course I went shopping! Found some hot blue gumboots, just what frosty the snowman ordered.
I was there for a week and could do as I pleased. I played good samaritan one night when my Aussie friend (aka pasher on the dancefloor) got locked out of the place he was staying and offered up half my bed, yes i'm a gentleman.

Of course I did more shopping, as if my suitcases weren't full enough already. I went to Bryant Park and the stalls there (the hot apple cider really hit the spot). after a few days on the east side I decided to move to Chelsea. Just because I could. And of course now I could attend all the things I was going to miss out on had I not been stuck the extra week. A great friday night dinner in Washington Heights with some friends, the obligatory brunch at Intermezzo in Chelsea, dinner at Elmo, and a post NYE party where I had to wear something that sparkles. Not having my club gear with me I decided on some glitter. It must've worked wonders as the girl in the elevator with me asked if I was also going to the Phish concert. Nope. The Party was fun, then onto Therapy for another birthday party and lots of drinking and then back home.

A good nights sleep with my last minute packing and getting upgraded to business class for the 20+ hour trip home. Life is great :)

What on earth do these people think?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 12:11:00 +0000

People are funny. I'm amazed what comes up in conversation with others when we're discussing the whole homosexuality thing. Things that are told to me about gay people that are supposedly facts.

I had a huge discussion with a sibling and the stuff that came out of his mouth... wow. I don't know what else to say. Besides the usual crap such as the whole point of life is to get married and have kids, i learnt all these new things about gay people, such as: Men turn gay in prison since they hang around other men too long and shag them. Gay people have thousands of sexual partners (maybe he had stumbled onto my little black book ;) ) I mean really?! That's like 3 different partners a week for your entire life! Although in the past he has informed me that gays have a life expectancy of 42 years (catholic websites are great for something), so given our lives are so short, we have to fit the thousands of sexual partners in a shorter amount of time. No wonder i'm so tired at work!

Another gem was that the norm amongst gay people is to have an open relationship. Yes, because we don't have stable relationships, we sleep around. I'm not saying open relationships don't exist, and maybe it's more prevalent in the homosexual community than the heterosexual community (and i might be totally wrong there) but thats the norm?!? Jesus fucking christ. It seems i'm wasting my breath even having a basic discussion with them on this issue because they're so ignorant. Bloody religious nuts.

And i've saved the best for last. Apparently they wanted me to meet with a homeopath, to see if this person could help with my 'problem'. What on earth made him think a homepath could change me? Well he'd been to a homeopath for some other treatment so why could a homepath try to work on this? And the kicker was, i didn't even need to tell the homopath I was gay, just to meet him and see if he could figure it out himself. I love games, but this was ridiculous!

The fact of the matter is, as far as i'm concerned anyone who claims they can 'fix' me, is nothing but a

Until next time, have a great week.
J

Well hello there stranger!

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:20:00 +0000

I cannot believe it has been 2 nearly 3 months since I last posted. It hasn't been so much a planned hiatus, i've just been extremely busy, with summer holidays and work and blogging just keeps on being pushed back. Today is Valentines Day, the day where people shower with their significant other with flowers and gifts (if you're lucky). Or if you're single you get nothing, but you have to read through all the bloody facebook posts of your friends who got stuff - yeah you with the huge box of maltesers, i'm talking to you.

Today is also National Condom Day. So just a reminder to all of you, play, but play safely. And get tested regularly because you can never be too careful. I'm sure you're expecting me to regale you with a story of how I hooked up with some random guy, and then found a bottle of pills at his place and thinking he had something and consulting Dr Google and getting all worried and getting tested and finding out I did have something minor that needed to get treated and needed some antibiotics but i was out of town for work and to find a doctor or clinic that could see me and prescribe something was hell on earth. But I won't.

So happy valentines day :)

It gets better - the gay orthodox jew version

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 12:37:00 +0000

Hi,

It's been a while since i've posted and i'll do a longer post soon but i wanted to post this video, starring some of my friends back in New York. It was part of the 'It Gets Better' project started by Dan Savage in response to the spate of suicides of young gay kids in the US.

For more information on The Trevor Project visit www.thetrevorproject.org

Catch ya later!

Single? Dating? Relationship? My priorities, or lack thereoff

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 13:35:00 +0000

For once lets talk about something serious. I'm currently single, and have been since I broke up with Mr Z over a year ago. It's been fun, but life wasn't means to be lived as a bachelor. I always thought that when the time came to get serious and actually start dating i'd want to date someone Jewish. It just made a lot of sense, someone with a similar background would quite possibly click better than someone who wasn't. It's also mean we probably shared important things, e.g. Jewish holidays or whatever.

Of course before we even get to that point some things need to change. For example my living situation. It's been good while it lasted, but now that I know i'm sticking around this city and not transferring elsewhere for work or anything, it's time to move out. Of course the question is where and with who? Gay or straight? Male or female? There was the idea of moving in with a friend whose roommate moved out, but that didn't work out, so it's time to start searching.

But getting back to the topic at hand. Dating someone jewish. It's certainly alot harder than it sounds. I know plenty of gay jews, just not many living in this city (or country for that matter). A relatively small jewish population means a relatively small gay jewish population. There are of course a bunch in the closet too. There's a jewish gay group called Aleph (and also one called young aleph) but to be honest I don't have much to do with them.

I mix with a different crowd. I tend to hang out with non jewish gay guys, and therefore I have more non jewish gay friends here than jewish ones (well thats not really hard because i barely have any jewish ones). So it only makes sense that it would lead to something more. I've held myself back from 'dating' any, and from the start i let people know i'm looking for mates but not dates, but i'm considering changing that.

Not that anyone I date will necessary be a long term proposal, and i know this sounds weird but i'd like to get some experience under my belt. And if things go well, well good for me :) I know how i'd like things to end up if I lived in an ideal world but I don't live in ideal world. I live in the real world and I think I need to make the best of the situation i find myself in.

Am I taking things a step too far? I'd love to know what you think.
J

Why I love Grindr (and no it's not what you're thinking)

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 15:01:00 +0000

I can't believe it's been about 5 weeks since I last posted, I really need to work on this! This post is about why I love grindr, but also why sometimes I hate it.

One of the big differences i've found between living in New York and living in Melbourne is the social scene. Of course when everyone asks me how the social scene is here they mean the dating scene (i.e. girls). Been there, done that. I'm talking about friends. Straight, gay, jewish, not-jewish. I loved New York because of the amazing social scene. I had a lot of gay jewish friends. Here, not so much. Less jews = less gay jews. And the gay jews that are here, well i just don't really mix with them, which isn't really a big deal. It just meant I had to spread my wings a little. And spread my wings I did. There were alot of online introductions, through facebook, manhunt and gaydar. Yes I know that most people think of manhunt as a place to hookup and gaydar I think is more of a place to find dates but i used them, successfully, for other purposes. I was looking for friends, and anything extra was a bonus.

I went through the paces, chatting, meeting for a drink, etc. I met some really good friends on manhunt, and my social life seems to revolve around a close few friends - a couple gay guys I met on manhunt and an old straight friend from school. Well it seemed to revolve around these few, but all that is changing. One has moved overseas, one is moving overseas in the next couple of months to live and the 3rd has his visa approved ready to move overseas for a year or 2. Which means pretty soon my close social circle of 4 will become a social circle of 1.

Obviously I'd be wanting to make some new friends. Manhunt isn't bad, but i've lost count the number of times I've been chatting to someone and brought up meeting for a drink. Thats when I hear that when their profile says 'Melbourne' it means Lilydale, or Greensborough or some other outer suburb. Aka woop woop (for you non Aussies you might want to google that term). I live in the inner suburbs and travelling 45+ minutes to meet up with someone for a drink or anything else is just nuts.

And thats why I like grindr. The people you chat to are people that are nearby. They're sorted in order of distance, and they could be a s little as 50 or 100 metres away (give or take a margin of error). It's certainly known for it's 'hookup' abilities, but there's more than enough guys using it for other purposes. I've met some nice normal people on there, add them to those I meet using facebook and I suddenly have a social life again!

Of course there is a downside to it. Because of the whole instant nature of it all I think people take it less seriously. You'll make plans with someone on there, and something else comes up and they'll raincheck you. After all, you'll always be there, it was only a 'grindr meet' after all, whether that means a drink, a shag, whatever. So grindr can suck after all, or maybe it's just the people that use grindr.

J

Fucking Yikes!

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 17:03:00 +0000

I know I just posted but I wanted to share this. I came across this while reading some blogs and the image's title was fucking yikes. I couldn't agree more! (props to rg-dulceypeligroso.blogspot.com who I stole it from)

Friends, romans, countrymen

noreply@blogger.com (Jay) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 16:52:00 +0000

Well maybe romans doesn't quite fit in there. Since i've moved back to Australia I knew I needed to make some headway regarding my gay social life. When I was living in New York I had a huge crowd of gay (and straight) friends and was never in need of finding people to hang with. Coming back though, I realised i need to make some local gay friends. And I did. Many of them were just random people. Some i met online, either using facebook or manhunt or gaydar. Yeah that's right, manhunt and gaydar too. It actually worked out quite well.

Of those i've made a few really good friends. Friends I hang out with alot, whose company I really enjoyed. Someone to talk to if I just really needed to vent with someone. One even managed to fall into the category of a good friend, which also had some added benefits to that friendship ;) . But all that seems to be coming to an end. By the end of the year I'll have 3 good friends that have all left Australia and will be living on 3 different continents. One of these has already left and the other 2 will be leaving in coming months. It has really made me realise how much work i need to do.

You really don't realise how good you have it, until you don't have it anymore...