Living Well On Purpose

Control Your Anxiety With Food

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 00:20:00 +0000

In our country today, anxiety has passed depression as the number one mental health issue. As shown in the chart above, 18.1% of the US Adult population suffers from some sort of anxiety. Out of that population, 22.8% of the cases are classified as severe. Severe anxiety can result in not only feelings of heightened anxiety, but in panic attacks as well. The most used treatments revolve around medications which suppress the feelings of anxiety rather than dealing with any underlying causes for the anxiety.

Depression, whether it is one episode or recurring episodes, effects 6.9% of the population overall, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, effects more females than males.

Depression can appear in different ways between the sexes, so in my opinion, it is debatable as to whether males suffer less depression. Male depression can exhibit in agitation, anger and frustration as well as somber mood and hopelessness. Unless a practitioner understands that, males may go untreated and are therefore not included in these statistics. Individuals with anxiety can also struggle with bouts of depression and vice versa.

How did we get to this place? In my opinion there may be several reasons. First, lack of personal identity is rampant in our society. We are taught that we are what we do. Whatever role we have, becomes who we are and when that role ceases, we become lost. We are told that a person has no value unless they are successful, nice looking, financially stable or hold a job with a distinguishable title. In order to achieve a feeling of worth and value, we tend to perform, work harder, do more and try our best to achieve that successful image. That lifestyle is very stressful and individuals tend to burnout after awhile.

Second, we are just too busy. People have sacrificed play time, rest time and face to face interaction with others for activities, social media and time in front of numerous screens. These screens, whether they be computers, iPads, or phones, tend to stimulate the brain in ways that interfere with good sleep patterns. especially if we look at them up until the time we go to bed.

Busyness interferes with our eating patterns as well. We catch a quick bite of something as we head out the door and eat it in the car on the way to dropping our kids off at school before work. We have traded the relatively peaceful breakfast, lunch and dinner at the family table for Starbucks and fast food. That takes a toll on what our bodies can handle.

So, how does food help us deal with anxiety? It helps to provide our brain with enough consistent glucose so it is able to function well. If we eat mostly or all carbohydrates at our meals, our brain has a good supply of glucose for 1.5 -2 hours after the meal. If we don't eat again for 4 or 5 hours, the glucose supply becomes low and our brain becomes concerned. According to Kristen Allot ND, "In order to continue to function well, the brain will tell the kidneys to release adrenaline in order to increase blood glucose. Although the brain now has some fuel, the amygdala has been stimulated by adrenaline. This can cause your concerns or irritations to become amplified into anxiety or anger." Usually, when adrenaline is released, there is a reason. We need it to function, to do something physically. When adrenaline is used to feed the brain, it is still in the system because it doesn't get used up with physical exertion and then contributes to anxiety levels.

It is interesting to understand that the symptoms of Anxiety or Anger are very similar to the signs for Hypoglycemia. Hypoglycemia can occur whenever our blood sugar levels drop. Often we think we have problems with anxiety, when we may not be eating enough protein with our meals, or eating often enough so that our brains have the fuel needed to function without adrenaline release. When a person eats at least 21 grams of protein with their main meals and eats at least every 4 hours, they should notice a decrease in anxiety. If meals cannot be eaten every 4 hours, then a snack with carbs and protein should be eaten in order to keep the body functioning well. Many of my clients notice a difference within 24 hours. Before modifying their eating habits, I often ask them to keep a food journal over 3-4 days. They note what they have eaten, when they have eaten and when their anxiety levels or anger issues increase. They often notice a change in their emotional health if they have gone two to four hours without eating and their previous meal was mostly carbohydrates.

Finally, if you have a snack before bed, just make sure it isn't sugary or full of carbohydrates. Again, give your body a dose of protein with your carbs and you may find that you sleep better.

What are some healthy protein sources? Quinoa has 11 grams of protein per half cup. Refried beans have 8 grams per half cup. A quarter cup of nuts has 8 grams of protein and 2 T of nut butter has the same. Seed butter, such as sunflower seed butter has 5 grams of protein per 2 T serving. Greek yogurt and pumpkin seeds are a good snack with plenty of protein as well as cottage cheese that has 12 grams per half cup. If you like eggs for breakfast, bear in mind that each egg only has 7 grams of protein so if you are shooting for 21 grams at breakfast, you either need 3 eggs or another source of protein with them. 3 ounces of wild fish, chicken, turkey, beef or pork will supply you with 21 grams of protein as well.

In closing, just a note. You don't see me adding soy to the list of healthy proteins. I don't recommend soy because it can create so many issues due to its estrogen content. Soy is not the best protein to eat, in my opinion. It is difficult to change your diet all at once, so give yourself some grace when starting a transition of this kind. You may find it difficult to begin to eat healthier so try one meal at a time. If you aren't a breakfast eater, try introducing the morning meal with a protein shake. These kinds of transitions need to fit into your lifestyle and food preferences or they don't work. The most important rule of thumb is to make sure you space your meals and snacks about 4 hours apart and make sure they contain at least 21 grams of protein for main meals and 6-7 grams of protein for snacks. You should see a drop in your anxiety level if you implement these simple practices.

Do You Have A Cat That Is Overweight?

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Fri, 23 May 2014 18:41:00 +0000

I wanted to share with you some information that I discovered because I'm sure I'm not the only person who loves cats and has a cat that has become overweight. I try very hard to feed my animals the best food so they don't develop food related issues. However, as it turned out, I missed that goal because I didn't realize that cats are unable to digest carbohydrates.

Poor Charlie became overweight quite rapidly and it seemed as though any effort that I made to restrict his food put him into huge stress. One day, he just seemed very depressed and lethargic and I knew something was wrong. I decided I needed to research the problem and what I came up with turned out to bring about an amazing transformation.

When I did a google search, I came up with a website from a Siamese cat breeder in Illinois. She had information about Young Again food on her website so I emailed her and she was gracious enough to correspond with me about the whys and whats contributing to her decision to use this food with her animals. She gave me the contact number to speak directly with the manufacturer which I did. I soon learned that Charlie was stressed out because he was continually hungry due to the amount of carbs in the food I was feeding him. The wet food was just fine, but the dry food was 1/2 brown rice! She instructed me that when I received the new food, I should put down two big bowls of it and just let them eat all they wanted. (I have two cats) She said they would self regulate in a few days, which they did.

Six weeks later, Charlie has lost about 1/3 of his body weight free feeding and he has much more life in his eyes and is more active. I am sooooo very glad that I made the switch to this food and I would recommend it to anyone who has a cat, dog, ferret or fish!

Now to be completely honest, I love the food so much that I became an affiliate and I have information about it at my website http://www.livingwellcc.com/products/youngagainpetfood.html

If you believe this food would be good for your pets, I would appreciate you going to my site and purchasing the food from there, just because it helps me out a little bit. If you have any questions, please let me know.

In the meantime, here is an article off their site talking about this issue -

Obesity in Cats

Margaret A. Wissman, DVM, DABVP
March 2010
It is now estimated that 57% of the cats in our country are overweight or obese. And just as in humans, obesity in cats can lead to a number of very serious problems including being more prone to osteoarthritis, type 2 diabetes, respiratory disorders, hypertension (high blood pressure) and cardiac (heart) disease.
How can you tell if your cat is overweight? When you view your cat from above, your cat should show an obvious narrowing around the waist. When you run your fingers over your cat's ribs you should be able to feel each rib under a thin layer of fat. If you can't feel each rib then most likely your cat is on the road to becoming overweight. Of course, if you suspect your cat is overweight, you should talk to your veterinarian, who can best assess your feline's body condition and address any weight concerns you may have.
The good news is that by feeding your cat the proper balance of animal proteins and fats, she can eat as much as she wants and still be able to maintain a natural healthy weight.
Weight loss options
Once your cat has been diagnosed as overweight or obese, it's time to do something about it. Increasing exercise is always a good idea, however, this can be difficult. Try increasing playtime with a cat, teach her to play fetch and encourage any extra activity you can.

It is equally important for you to give your cat a cat food that is appropriate for weight loss and healthy weight maintenance. Most cat foods on the market are loaded with carbohydrates and plant proteins like corn gluten, which are the incorrect nutrients for healthy cats! This is because cats are true carnivores, meaning that their diet should consist primarily of meat proteins and fats, and very little in the way of carbohydrates.

What should you feed your overweight cat?
There are a plethora of different kinds of foods available for adult cats. Check the label carefully. If the protein content is below 50% and the fat level is below 20% then the diet contains too many carbohydrates. The top nutrients should be in the animal protein group (pork, chicken, beef, egg, poultry meal, fish, etc.) Foods listing proteins like corn gluten meal or more than one carbohydrate source from plants may appeal to the cat's taste buds but they create a vicious cycle of overeating and weight gain. Here's why:

Carbohydrates are broken down and digested very quickly, providing the cat with an overabundance of glucose (sugar) in the bloodstream. Any sugar not immediately used for metabolism and activity will be stored as fat.

However, when fed a protein-based food, the proteins are digested much more slowly, which will fuel the cat's metabolism and activity over a longer period of time and satiate your cat's hunger.

You know the old joke about after eating Chinese food that you will be hungry again in an hour? That's because the rice and predominately carbohydrate laden diet is digested quickly, and before long, your brain is signaling that you're hungry again! Ditto with carbohydrate-laden cat foods! But with a meal that's high in meat protein (with little or no carbs), digestion and utilization of the nutrients occurs more slowly, so your cat won't feel hungry for quite a while and the energy will be used to fuel the needs of the body instead of being stored as fat.

Cats are carnivores: you won't ever see a cat out hunting for an ear of corn. Instead, the cat is out hunting for the mouse or bird found in the cornfields. That is their natural diet. Of course you don't want to feed your cat mice, so Young Again has created dry cat foods that copy the nutrient profile found in a natural diet so that you CAN provide your beloved feline with a food that is nature identical and will work in harmony with your cat's digestive system and metabolism.

The beauty of Young Again Cat Food is that you can offer your feline this pelleted food in a bowl and just leave it out for her to eat free choice. Within two weeks of consuming Young Again, your cat will naturally adjust the amount of food that she needs to fuel her metabolism. Since proteins are digested more slowly, she won't be hungry all the time, as she would if she was consuming a carbohydrate-laden diet. So, she will gradually adjust the volume of Young Again that she wants and needs to approximately one tablespoon per day for every 5 pounds of healthy body weight. An eight pound bag of Young Again Cat Food will last the average 8 pound cat about 100-120 days depending on activity level and weather you supply treats. Of course, provide her with fresh, clean water at all times.

On Young Again Cat Food, your cat will begin losing excess body fat, and will in turn, begin developing better muscling, as well as a softer, more kitten-like coat. She will have more energy and this will also help her lose excess body fat. Cats that were couch-potatoes will begin playing, exploring and even jumping and climbing! Shy cats may become more outgoing and friendly. And an added benefit will be found in the kitty-litter box, with smaller, more compact fecal components, due to the high-digestibility of the food. Young Again guarantees these results in as little as 8 weeks.

If you want to improve your cat's health, help her lose the excess weight, develop a more active lifestyle and let her eat as much as she wants,offer her Young Again Cat Food. It is one of the best things you can do for your feline friend!

The Blueprint that is You

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Wed, 09 Apr 2014 22:02:00 +0000

This blog post is somewhat self serving in that I am introducing my new book "Identity - What It Means To Be You". Below you will find the first chapter of the book, to give you a taste of what it is about. This message is something that the Lord has been teaching me all my life, although the most significant healing has come in the last 15 years. Identity is a very personal topic to me as it has prompted me to seek healing, learn more, research, investigate, share victories and defeat, and even pointed me toward the career that I now have as a mental health counselor. Our society tends to erode personal identity and the personal sense of value and worth that comes with it. Value seems to be condensed into that old saying that says, the person with the most toys wins.

At present, the book is available only on Kindle, but that doesn't mean that you can't download it. If you go to Amazon.com and download the free Kindle Reader, you can then go to the link below and purchase it for 4.99.

http://www.amazon.com/Identity-What-Means-Without-Telling-ebook/dp/B00JJY3208/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1397062525&sr=1-1&keywords=identity+what+it+means+to+be+you

I would appreciate knowing what you think of the book. My prayer is that it blesses you and encourages you along the journey to knowing yourself better, appreciating how the Lord created you and liking the person that you are.

CHAPTER 1

I see a very common response in the counseling office when I mention the word, “Identity.” I get a blank look, an “uh huh,” and the conversation moves on. Over the years, I’ve learned to work with that response and allow my clients the time to explore what identity means. The message of identity keeps being reinforced as a significant issue in the lives of many of the people I speak with. It is clear that lack of identity is a much bigger problem than people think it is. I describe it as an epidemic of our culture. We are taught to have roles and jobs, which then become what we are, and determine our value as human beings. We don’t hear the truth, which is: we are not what we do. We are unique individuals who perform certain functions, but those functions don’t define us — we define the functions.

I have believed for a long time that identity is what can be called that unique “blueprint” from which the Lord created us. This blueprint is who we are. Not who we are in Christ, which is another thing, but who we are. Male or female, blonde or brunette, blue eyes or brown eyes — even down to the preferences for the food we like to eat, what we consider delightful, and what makes us curl back with fear or disgust. As human beings, we are individuals with a complex compilation of attributes organized in a distinctive way that, as an end result, becomes me and you and your neighbor and all the people who have made up and presently make up our world. It is hard to believe that, in all these millions of people, there is not one who is the same as another!

Identity in Christ

When we talk about identity, people often think that what is being referred to is our identity in Christ. For the purposes of this book, that is not the case. Personal identity is the creative gift of God to us. Identity in Christ is a positional term used to describe the “benefits” secured for each of us through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. These benefits are given to any person who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior. Our personal identities are different — they are unique to each one of us, and are comprised of our personality, our gifts, our talents, body style, and many other things, which in turn give us significant clues to our purpose in life. For example, someone who is 6'5", with a heavy frame and musculature, would probably not be well suited as a dancer or gymnast. A dancer's or gymnast’s body style is quite different from that of a person who would be better suited as a football player or a logger. Someone with a quiet persona, who would rather research information and write about it, may not be comfortable as a public speaker.

Some people have come to believe dying to self means they must die to who they are as a person in order that Christ may live in them. Paul did not say that. He said:

Galatians 2:20, NKJV: I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet not I but Christ who lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me

The sense of this verse is that we are to crucify the sinful desires which keep us from following Christ and keep His nature from manifesting through us. NEVERTHELESS, I Live! Christ lives within us, and we are to reflect His love, His beauty, His compassion and His grace through our own unique and wonderful body, soul and personal spirit. We are, with His help, bringing to death carnal inclinations that oppose Him. But we must not forget the part of the verse that says —

Psalm 139:13-16, Amp. — For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, [and] skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained [for me] when as yet there was not one of them.

Does this verse sound like it is describing a master craftsman or a production line? If God did not build into us a unique design, what would be the need for Proverbs 22:6? (Train up a child in the way he should go. In the Hebrew, the meaning is that we should train up a child according to his own natural bent.) Why would He need to make sure we knew to look for how He made our children, and to direct them towards that?

Our identity in Christ is positional. It is an identity that we share with every other person in the body of Christ. Our personal identity, which is the focus of this discussion, is unique and belongs to us alone.

The Formula For A Good Life

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 22 Dec 2013 21:52:00 +0000

I have debated as to whether I should weigh in on all the whooha that has been flying around the news lately, but I decided that a different perspective might be a good thing to plant as a seed for thought. To clarify, this is not a comment on Phil Robertson. What it is, is a comment on what I see as the basic issue to be worked on.....the lack of MANNERS, RESPECT and HONOR in our society today. These words seem to have lost a lot of impact in our world and many struggle with the mere definitions of the words. That is a tragedy.

As a young person, I was taught to respect my elders, to be polite to those I came in contact with and to honor other human beings. Although I didn't always do that, what I have learned is that these things seem to be a very good formula for living in community with other people. It does not take a lot of effort to be kind, it does, however, take effort to be kind when others are being unkind to you. To do that, one must draw on one's own character. That means being the person you are or that you are trying to be, in the face of disrespect or dishonor. If you have not developed these qualities as part of your character, then as you try to draw from your inner strength, there aren't a lot of resources there to draw from. This does not mean that we lay down and let others run over us. It means that we respond in ways that are respectful, to ourselves and others while getting our point across. That, my friend, is an art. It is much easier to let fly out of our mouths anything that comes to mind, unfiltered and not well thought out. It requires SELF DISCIPLINE to filter our responses.

It also requires empathy for others. There are many times when I get frustrated with the actions or responses of other people. In that, what I try to do is put myself in their place and ask how I would like to be treated in that particular circumstance or situation. Does it work all the time? I can't say that it does....but it works much of the time. I often ask myself things like....is this a hill you want to die on or in the long run, how important is the point I'm trying to make? Those questions help me to monitor my thoughts, responses and behavior until I have achieved a level of automatic response that I am happy with. I have to remind myself that I have a multitude of responses to choose from and many of them are better than others.

POLITENESS, RESPECT and HONOR are FILTERS, not just random suggestions. These values filter our speech and our behavior. This is why we seek to teach them to our children. They help us develop the ART of speaking our mind without being rude to others. It is important to develop this art in our lives. What we see today, almost everywhere we look, are examples of people being RUDE. It seems the media likes to use highly charged words like racism and hate speech and what have you. However the bottom line is that people are being rude to each other, or disrespectful or dishonorable to each other...which creates hard feelings. When you boil emotional responses down to their simplest forms, that is what you find. Movies, commercials, sit-coms, TV shows, talk radio and a myriad of other media choices demonstrate how people are impolite, rude or disrespectful to each other. When our children watch these things, or even as adults we immerse ourselves in it, it will tend to erode the filters that are so important to our successful functioning.

What would happen, if in 2014 we all as individuals decided to strengthen these filters in our lives? What if we practiced the art of honor, respect and being polite...in our society, in our community.....in our HOMES? In doing that, we could actually BE the change that we are asking to see in our respective spheres of influence. Can one person change anything? The answer is.....YES. You can change YOU and that is the most important person you know. BE kindness, BE respect, BE honor and watch what happens in your life. You will be amazed.

Choose Life!

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 15 Sep 2013 23:34:00 +0000

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against

you that I have set before you life and death, blessings

and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your

children may live

Deuteronomy 30:19

I don't know that what I am about to say is extremely profound, but it certainly is part of the mission statement of my life. I have often wondered why I don't like to give up until every possible option has been explored and even a few more! Today I have been able to articulate it....it goes like this:

LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS NOT TO

FIGHT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, FOR

AS LONG AS YOU CAN

TO KEEP WHAT GOD GAVE YOU INTACT.

I fight for my family, for my pets and for my friends because I believe that God told the Israelites to choose life for a reason.....Life is better than death!

In every way that we, as human beings can choose life we absolutely should. Choose life in your relationships by honoring the people in them. Choose life in your physical being by doing everything you can to stay healthy. That means choose a positive perspective, see the good not the negative. That doesn't mean that we ignore problems and go into a place of denial, but simply put, if you look for problems you're going to find them. If you look for people's flaws, you are going to find them. If you major on the negative, what is going to be huge on the movie screen of your life? Negativity!

Each time we choose to put something into our body that doesn't bring it life, we are choosing death. Toxic foods, alcohol, drugs, many processed foods, tobacco etc are things that our body has to fight in order to stay healthy. I was told once by someone I highly respect that, "the body is created to be healthy and if we give it what it needs to be healthy, you can't beat health off with a stick." God gave each of us a body that has as its sole purpose, the mission to keep us alive. It will do that until we finally overload it to the point where it can't accomplish that mission anymore.

Philippians 4:8 NKJV says this: Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

This portion of scripture is not a suggestion. It has a purpose. Our bodies respond to positive thought as much as they respond to negative thought. When we think about what isn't going right, what we are afraid of, who isn't doing what the way we want them to, we not only affect our physical beings and our mental health, but we affect them as well. Hebrews 11:1 says that FAITH is the SUBSTANCE of things HOPED for, the EVIDENCE of things NOT SEEN. As we concentrate on negative thoughts, we are putting emotional energy, thought and physical response into what we are thinking about. Faith works both ways....the substance of things hoped for can either be negative or positive. You may think that faith doesn't work, but look at what you are thinking about, what you are expecting and what you say about yourself. If you see the negative, do you have negative? That is faith as well.

As we speak to each other, husbands and wives, parents and children....what kind of words are we choosing? Do we choose words that build each other up, or tear each other down? Do we speak with attitudes that give life? Do we speak the truth? Do we sincerely work to identify and solve the problems in our relationships or do we just fight with each other? We are all human and we will all make mistakes. We get angry and say things we don't want to. However if we choose life the majority of the time for ourselves and with others, life will go pretty well. It has to!

Now here is the disclaimer. I am not advocating staying in abusive relationships. Toxic people are out there. I know. I have been in a relationship or two like that in my life. Perhaps you are in one of those times now or you may be that toxic person. If so, just remember that the important thing is to take steps to come out of that toxicity. It is never too late! If we don't, the consequences of leading a toxic life can include being lonely, depressed, unhealthy and even unsuccessful. If you have someone who is toxic in your life, do what you can to help them. However, if they choose not to listen, choose not to change their lives...they are inevitably making the choice to be lonely. There is only so much emotional toxicity people can handle and once they have reached that thresh-hold, relationships are usually irreparably damaged. Broken relationships are the inevitable consequence of toxic behavior.

Here is just an example of how scripture says certain positive and negative thoughts and/or emotions affect our body physically. Just a note - our bones don't just give us structure, they also create blood cells:

Proverbs 14:30 NKJV

A sound heart is life to the body, But envy is rottenness to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24 NKJV
Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

Proverbs 13:12 NKJV

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

I would ask you to consider the reasons why there are so many places in the Bible that tell us how to think or how to conduct our lives. It isn't just because God wants to take our freedom away by telling us what to do and what not to do. It's because many of these things bring life! He tells us what works and what doesn't work and then gives us the choice. Positive psychology can provide us with many peer reviewed studies that show how happiness, joy and positive thinking literally change our brain function. Nutritionists are starting to find that foods which fall into the lower inflammation producing categories also follow along the biblical dietary laws that we find in the Old Testament.

As you live out the rest of your life, I would ask you to consider the attitudes and decisions that have guided you to this point. At any point in our lives, we are the product of our best thinking. If the fruit in your life is life giving, seek to make it better. If you don't like the quality of the fruit in your life, change your thinking and make better quality decisions. If you don't know how to do that, ask someone....seek out someone who is producing good fruit and observe them, talk to them...seek their advice. Choose life! It's always better than the alternative and you are too valuable not to fight for.

THE FEAR OF CHANGE AND THE UNKNOWN

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 16 Mar 2013 21:18:00 +0000

Fear, Stress & Anger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Change is a part of life, we all know that. It can be good, bringing us pleasant surprises, new members of our family, different employment or a new place to live. Changes can improve our lives, but there are also changes which bring us stress and even some that produce fear. The part of change that is unknown or that we can’t control often creates the most fear.

Some of the most fear provoking changes in life are centered around the four basic human fears: 1) rejection, 2) abandonment, 3) death and 4) dying. When significant losses or the anticipation of those losses tap into any one or more of these four fears, there is significant emotional response. Divorce is a change that taps into rejection and abandonment. It can be seen, especially by an abuse victim, as a devastating change. They don't know how they are going to face the financial, relational and parenting aspects of living on their own and usually have been convinced by the abuser that they are not able to take care of the aspects of life necessary to accomplish living apart from the abuser.

Taking individual situations into account, most of the time the fears are unjustified. Will the changes from married life to single life be difficult...yes. Are they impossible? No. Many individuals find that leaving an abusive relationship allows them the ability to grow and to have a life that they can control and be happy with. It is a difficult transition, as many changes are, but it is not an impossibility. One thing that is sure about life, there is always a way to do what you need to do. You may not like some of the decisions that you have to make to get there, but you can get there.

As we age, we face many changes that fall into the categories of unknown or beyond our control. We go through the process of children leaving the home; making the adjustment to the “empty nest”. Other people look at winding down their careers or have involuntarily been down sized by their employer. Facing these changes well often depends on where we have placed our personal identity. If we have solid internal identity, these types of changes are often seen as challenges or positive transitions. It can be a very exciting time of adjustment. However, if a person has developed an external identity, finding it in a specific role or in the opinions of others, this change can be very difficult. This time of change is usually centered on a large loss of purpose, or when the purpose for which we have lived over many years is reduced significantly. Deep down, this stage of life can trigger in to the fears of rejection or abandonment, producing a sense of being lost until a person can adjust. Motivation comes from purpose and significantly enhances our emotional health. Because of this, when facing transitions, it is most important to maintain a focus toward true purpose that doesn’t fluctuate with the roles we fill as we go through life.

FAMILY TRANSITIONS

Becoming an empty nester can be difficult if we have created our personal identity around being a parent. Parenting is a role that we move in and out of in life and it is not meant to be an identity for us. Loss of identity creates a kind of mid life crisis where we are not sure what to do with ourselves because the focus of our attention has moved on to start their own lives. This is the danger in creating our identity around a role...once the role ends, our purpose does as well. Purpose is a most important aspect of a human beings life. Purpose comes out of who we are, it creates a focus for our lives that is meaningful, fulfilling and satisfying. It can provide well being and good emotional health. When the hope of our purpose diminishes, we lose focus and structure in our lives. This is one of the most destructive aspects of abusive relationships, whether they be between a husband and wife or between a parent and a child. Abuse diminishes purpose, which in turn destroys motivation.

As a parent, it is our purpose to socialize and enable our children to live independent lives. As they grow older, we become less directive and take on more of a coaching position in their lives. We help them to figure out how to solve their problems rather than doing it for them. That is part of the role we fulfill rather than making it the full purpose of our lives.

CAREER TRANSITIONS

When individuals change careers or retire, not only does their role in life change, but often their relationships don’t go with them. This can add to the stress of the transition if it is not understood that some relationships truly only exist because of the structure that surrounds them. When we leave organizations, most of the relationships that have been built within those environments are not strong enough to exist outside of them if we have not done something to strengthen them outside the forming structure. Anticipating these changes, we can seek to move those relationships that are important to us into a different level so they follow us after the change goes into effect. This alone can help make a transition more comforting. Additionally, planning for a meaningful purpose after retirement can add quality and significantly lengthen a person’s life.

DEATH AND DYING

For individuals who have aging parents requiring care and assistance, these changes can be very difficult and stress producing on both sides of the issue. It is never easy to lose a parent and being a part of their dying process can be extremely difficult. They struggle with loss of independence, not being able to fulfill their roles and again, loss of purpose which can bring on negativity and depression.

No matter who we are, death changes us when we come close to it. It causes us to recognize our own mortality, assess our lives and question even fundamental spiritual beliefs. Knowing or not feeling confident in what happens next can be a source of fear. Losing a parent who we have not been close to ends the possibility of ever repairing that relationship.

Although death and dying are a part of life, they are parts that we are never well prepared for; bringing with them the loss of friends, health and independence. The grief process is unfamiliar and can take us by surprise as a result. It is not only a feeling, but it can carry with it physical pain and an adjustment process. People don’t like to talk about death and our close experiences with it are commonly limited to the loss of parents and grandparents. The loss of a child is something that we are never prepared for and it can be extremely traumatizing. We often think we know what it will be like because after all, we’ve seen it over and over on TV. However, once it becomes a reality, it is clear that Hollywood is not a good source of information.

Although difficult, questioning our mortality, evaluating the quality of the relationships left in our lives and clarifying our spiritual beliefs are all normal and good responses when death and dying enter center stage in our lives. Helpful things we can do for ourselves around the process include creating a strong support group, as well as attending group and or individual counseling. Families can be a place of strength if the internal relationships are of good quality. Personally, a strong spiritual faith is often a viable source of comfort in difficult times. Outside the family, Hospice can provide invaluable support for both the person going through the process and those accompanying them. In preparation for the loss, it is good advice to have a clear understanding of what a person’s wishes are with regard to their dying process. For the person entrusted with carrying out those wishes, it is a strong place of comfort to have that knowledge as guidance.

In closing, as we face losing those closest to us in life, the goal is really not to get back to normal because that isn’t possible. Instead we accept a new normal, which can be a comforting goal. If we can come out on the other side of this process with no regrets about decisions that were made, it aids in going through the personal grief process. Keeping in the forefront of our minds that this process is not about us, but about helping our loved ones to finish well, it helps us focus on what is truly important and we can grow into better people as a result.

It Is Well With My Soul....

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 08:33:00 +0000

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Today, as I sang this song in church, I thought about the story behind the words I was singing. Starting out life in the Baptist church, I remember singing this song many times over the course of my life and it has become one of my favorites. However, as a child, it was hard to understand the implications of what Mr. Spafford was trying to convey as he created this wonderful hymn.

This beautiful hymn was penned by an attorney who lived in the mid 1800s, whose name was Horatio Spafford. Mr. Spafford was a friend of D.L. Moody and lived in the upper Midwest. Although you would think of an attorney as being quite successful, his story is one of great tragedy and loss. (If you would like to read his story, please click here.) Even so, amidst the losses that he experienced, he was able to write words such as these....it is well, it is well, with my soul.

For much of the church service I was deep in thought, the Pastor's words floating in and out of the thoughts that were inundating my mind. Over this last year, it seems as though there have been a lot of losses in my own life....difficult losses that have pierced my heart so deeply that I have begun to wonder just how long these feelings were going to persist; if I could handle any more saddness. In the midst of these losses, I found myself becoming impatient with my life's circumstances, wanting desperately to change them. My heart has longed for a life with less responsibility, less stress and more joy. I have wanted to just go play, have lunch with my friends and do what "I" want to do without having to make sure certain conditions are in place that would allow me to spend a few hours here and there. Unfortunately, these things have seemed very unattainable.

As the service progressed, the Pastor began to speak about a new born child who had been born to a young couple in our congregation. Due to complications, she had a difficult birth, wasn't breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital in a town close by for special medical attention. It is possible that she might have brain damage due to the lack of oxygen. As we prayed for this child, I couldn't help but think about how tragic it would be for a child to be brought into this world and from the start not be healthy. I felt such sadness for this family.

The more I thought about this, my thoughts turned to my husband of 35 years, whose history I know all too well. It seemed as though, like this little baby, he had a hard time from the beginning of his life too. Although he was a healthy, normal baby, he was born to parents who were quite dysfunctional. His mother and father divorced shortly after he was born. At around a year of age, she voluntarily gave custody to his dad who was an alcoholic. There was terrible and tragic abuse that happened until he was placed in a children's home when he was 9, due to the death of his grandmother. Unfortunately the abuse just took a different form and by the time he was 17, he was given the choice of going to jail for committing a crime or joining the Navy. His Navy record was less than sterling and after he got out, he spent some time in jail and most of the rest of his life in a bottle. In 2001, he suffered a massive stroke and lost the use of half his body as well as his speech.

That was 11 years ago. After my father passed away this year, I really lost all motivation to continue as a care giver on any level. It has been a struggle to keep my head in the game and I have been trying to find ways to shed the responsibility, yet in my heart knowing that just because I am having a hard time, that alone is no reason for my husband to have to pay for that. My family, his family and many friends would support me if I chose to place him in a care facility....yet I don't find comfort in that solution either. It isn't the right thing to do. These thoughts, although not central to what was going on in my mind, were having a significant impact on what I had carried with me to church this morning.

The things that I was hearing as I sat in the pew this morning began to form around a different context. I took a look at my husband through the lens of a counselor, rather than the lens of a wife. Again, as it has in the past, compassion began to soften the resentment that had built up and I saw that precious, scared, abused little boy who grew up into a scared, young sailor performing body bag detail aboard ship off the coast of Viet Nam. He was never diagnosed with PTSD but he surely has struggled with it most of his life; trying very hard to cope with the demons in his mind that have caused him so much pain for so many years. My heart broke for him, again, and I understood, again, that it is my privilege to be able to take care of him. It is something that came as part of the package when I prayed that the Lord would spare his life the day the stroke came. Although I did not fully understand what I was asking for at the time, over the years it has become clear and it is my life now. It is also his life, which is a very precious commodity...something to be respected and cared for.

Today the Pastor began to talk about things that made sense to me...things that I have even told myself....and then there was that hymn. As much as I have experienced loss this year, I began to think about how many things I have to be thankful for. Those things are real too. Thinking about all that the Lord has done for me and my family in the middle of such great loss, a feeling of gratefulness started to infiltrate my heart and mind; making me realize how much this life is a matter of perspective. It seems as though sometimes reality is made up of what we are focusing on and if our focus is the negative, then life is going to look pretty bad. On the other hand, if we are intent on seeing a more positive perspective, reality tends to take on a better outlook.

How could Mr. Spafford say it is well with my soul? Perhaps it is because he was looking at life through the lens of blessing rather than through the lens of loss and bitterness. The story of his life doesn't talk about what those blessings might be, but there must have been something that was bringing him comfort in the midst of his tragedy. Looking back, much of the distress that I experienced over the last 18 months came from fearing things that could have happened but didn't happen, threats that seemed so real but never materialized. Some of the things I was distressed about did happen, but they have since proven to be less of an impact than I thought they were going to be. So much stress, so much wasted energy. Hindsight is 20/20 they say.......I concur.

A year ago today, I was standing beside my father's bedside in the Emergency Room at KMC waiting for the doctor to confirm he had a broken hip. That event began a 2.5 month ordeal that ended in his death. It was not the result that I had ever imagined and I often have vehemently referred to it as a "damned tragedy". I miss him and life will always be different without him here. However I don't think that he would have wanted me to live my life focusing on his loss rather than the blessing that he brought into my life.

Image by Lorenzoclick via Flickr

Will what happened today as I sat listening to my Pastor carry forward through the new year? I can't answer that with a lot of certainty. However, today as I allowed the Lord to show me a different perspective, I was able to raise my face heavenward and begin to understand -

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

What Is Your Inner Dialogue Producing?

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 21:51:00 +0000

Inner dialogue is comprised of the constant stream of thoughts that goes through our mind on a daily basis. It is how we think, what we think and what we tell ourselves about ourselves 24 hours a day. Our inner dialogue has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves, how high our confidence level is, how anxious we are or how hopeful we are. That constant stream of thought often goes by unnoticed to the conscious mind, but it is highly noticeable to the unconscious mind. It is always there, either encouraging us or discouraging us.

I have a friend who decided to evaluate his inner dialogue, so over a specified period of time, he wrote down as much of what he thought as possible. When he reviewed what he had written down, he was amazed at how negative it was. Interestingly enough, my friend is a pretty positive person so this was surprising. As a result, he decided to change the negativity and found it required some concentrated discipline. Our thought processes are habitual and they come from pretty deep seated belief systems. There is a portion of scripture that says, "out of the treasure of the heart, the mouth speaks." What this means is, the way we speak has a lot to do with the way we think.

Anxiety

Because I work with many clients who have anxiety issues, I often ask them to evaluate what is going through their minds when they get anxious. Invariably, they report that their minds start racing with questions.....what if I don't get this done..... what if this happens..... what if that happens... how can I possibly... what will I do if....why did that happen...how can I prevent it from happening again...oh I'm so stupid....why did I do that...and on and on. This kind of thought racing produces anxiety if you let your mind run away with you. My best advice to these individuals is.....wait for it.....ANSWER THE QUESTIONS. Yes, that's right, answer the questions. What WILL happen if you don't get your project done, why DID you do that, what will you do if this DOES happen again? If a person will take the time to answer the questions that are causing the anxiety, it moves them to a pro-active state. They begin goal setting rather than sitting back, letting life happen to them.

If you move into being pro-active, you move from a defensive position to an offensive position. You begin to set goals, plan out what you will do in certain situations and that makes you feel more powerful. Chip Conley, in his book Emotional Equations gives us a formula for anxiety. It is:

uncertainty x powerlessness = anxiety

If you remember your high school algebra when dealing with equations, changing one side of the equation also changes the other side of the equation. As we look at this particular equation, answering the questions that race through our minds eliminates the uncertainty portion of the equation, which also tends to effect the level of powerlessness that we feel in any given situation. Therefore, it changes the result, as in bringing down or eliminating the anxiety level.

Self - Worth

Another way our inner dialogue can affect us is how our thoughts turn inward and either criticize or encourage us personally. Imagine how your child would react if s/he consistently heard from you how they can't do anything right, how worthless they are, how stupid they are, how they don't measure up, how they will never amount to anything etc. What kind of attitude do you believe that child would have by the time they reached adulthood? Probably not very positive. Yet, if your own thoughts consistently degrade and demean yourself personally, how do you think you will escape the same fate? You listen to your thoughts 24/7/365 - there isn't any way you won't be effected by that amount of negativity.

The field of Positive Psychology has proven that negativity steals from us. Studies show that happy people, more positive people are more productive, healthier and live longer. Proverbs 16:24 says, "pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones." Sweetness to the soul would mean more peace and less anxiety, health to the bones refers to our physical health. Our bones are the strength of our body, they also produce blood cells that circulate and nourish our bodies. Imagine....thinking and speaking positively makes us happy and healthy! How simple!

Evaluate what you are telling yourself, about yourself consistently. Do you often call yourself stupid? Do harshly criticize yourself? If you do, it is time to re-evaluate. It is time to develop a larger vocabulary and a more realistic response to yourself. If you are just repeating what your parents told you all your life, you may want to evaluate your life and decide if you want to keep agreeing with their assessment. More than likely it wasn't accurate to begin with, so why keep agreeing with it? This requires discipline, but once you start to change that inner habit, you will find that it becomes easier over time.

Challenge your thoughts as you are aware of them. Determine whether they are accurate or if there may be another way of looking at yourself and at life. Most of the time people are not stupid, they are either misinformed or uninformed. If you tell yourself that you don't do things well, a better response might be to take a class or practice the behavior more so that you get better at what you want to do. You might also begin to evaluate if what you are doing is within your skill set. Some people just aren't good at certain things. Rather than criticize yourself for not doing something well, decide whether you have the skill set to accomplish it at all. If it is important to you to become skilled at whatever you are doing, then improve your skills. If it isn't, just admit it is something you are not good at and move on. Social skills are the same way. They can be practiced just like behavioral skills can be practiced. If you don't have effective social skills, you may want to read some books or get around people who have good social skills and observe them. If you find yourself without friends, or not invited to social events then you may need to evaluate what is going on and fix that, rather than remaining hyper-critical of yourself.

We must begin to look at our quality of life and determine how we want to live. Life is too short not to do that. If you want a more peaceful existence, it is important to look at how you are thinking. Do you focus more on what is true, or do you focus on things that are not true? Do you tend to spend your life thinking about what is honorable and just or do you tend to focus on the injustices of the world and the negative things that people do? Do you have a clean thought life or are you more prone to think thoughts that are less pure? Is your speech gracious and praiseworthy or do you tend to use more colorful and negative language? Your speech will tend to belie your thought processes. Therefore, as you pay attention to your thoughts, also pay attention to your conversation. What do you talk about? Are you filled with fear and anxiety or do you tend to look at solutions to solve problems? The more positive you are, the better effect that will have on your opinion of yourself and others.

Now, here is the disclaimer - In saying that we must become more positive, I don't mean to imply that we never look at the negative. We must be wise when it comes to life and wisdom says that it is important to view ourselves, our neighbors and life with reality. Negative thoughts and actions tend to cause something called "catastrophizing". When we catastrophize, we blow things out of proportion. We say, "everything is horrible" or "I can never please my spouse" or "he just totally destroyed me". If we look at these situations in truth and reality, we can see that using extreme speech like always, never, everything and nothing....or...extreme words like horrible, total destruction etc. are not good descriptors of our situations. This kind of language doesn't allow for change and it labels people or situations with inaccurate labels. Living in truth means changing our language as well as the measures we use to describe ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in. It is only when we accurately describe the problem that we can find the appropriate solutions.

Determine today that you will begin to challenge and eradicate the inner critic. Begin to look at your life in terms of what you do well, what strengths you have and what goes right. Yes, it may be difficult because negative thought patterns may be very deeply ingrained. However, you can adapt...you just have to discipline yourself to do it. The benefit of being positive is that people tend to like being around positive and encouraging people. You may find that your social life improves, you think of yourself in a more positive and realistic light, and your family is happier. Those are worthy goals to pursue.

Related Blog Posts

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Social Anxiety...Does it Happen to You?

A Question about Emotional Abuse

Assertiveness - Is It The Missing Link for Anger Problems?

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 01:17:00 +0000

Interestingly enough, individuals who suffer from anxiety due to being in social situations, or have anxiety about standing up to difficult people may have something in common with individuals who have anger issues. Looking at the big picture, both types of responses can tend to be inappropriate if used in the majority of life situations. The largest portion of people we will interact with or situations that we find ourselves in, can be handled by using assertiveness skills.

On the behavioral spectrum, people who lack confidence for whatever reason are at the opposite end of the spectrum from individuals who seem to be over confident. The under confident tend to chronically respond to people and situations by withdrawing, not speaking up, not expressing their opinions, being overly nice, or not asking for what they want. On the over confident end of the spectrum we find individuals who chronically use intimidation, anger or bullying to get what they want in life. When we analyze both sets of issues, it seems obvious that the individuals lacking in confidence need to be strengthened and the angry folks need to dial back the intensity of their responses to a less intense level.

Assertiveness, the topic of today's post, is in the middle of the spectrum and is really what each of these groups need to learn and practice as they communicate with others. Although not as apparent, assertiveness skills are missing in both of these groups. On the one end of the spectrum, we might find the less confident person came from a family where conflict was avoided rather than dealt with. In this situation, the child observing conflict being avoided or even not seen at all, will leave the child with little modeling of how to handle a conflict. They will not learn how to be assertive, or how to negotiate through a conflict if they have never seen parents or important authority figures in their lives model that type of behavior. This leaves them with an assertiveness deficit which looks like low confidence levels. It can result in a low level of confidence, but in many situations, it is a skill deficit because they don't know what to do or how to respond.

On the other hand, individuals who are over aggressive in their responses, either by getting angry, intimidating with their size or voice volume as well as those who may manipulate for what they need, also lack assertiveness skills. These individuals have never learned what the appropriate level of response is; that there is a difference between assertiveness and aggression. This group tends to respond with a high level of aggression or none at all in the situations they deal with. For this group of individuals, it is essential for them to be able to determine in any given situation what level of response is appropriate.

For those who lack self-confidence, it is a common experience to be treated in a condesending manner, or even directly put down and not be able to think of how to respond until later. Some of that is due to the physical shut down of the higher functions in the brain that control thought processes, which come when we get anxious or fearful. As anxiety increases, we move toward the fight, flight or freeze response and our thought processes become very primitive. This is why it is so important to role play certain scenarios and train how to respond in those situations. If you have never practiced being assertive, you won't learn it by being in the situation. Determine what you might say if someone puts you down by saying a derogatory remark and then passing it off as humor. For example, inappropriate co-worker might say to you, "That was a great answer, for someone your age...ha, ha, ha." Someone with a low confidence level might just smile and not say anything. However an appropriate answer might be to look at the co-worker and say, "I'm confused by what you just said. What was your point?" This can be said very kindly and in a non-threatening manner, but it makes the point that the comment was inappropriate and makes the person say what they meant to say directly.

Overly aggressive individuals must learn the appropriate assertiveness skills that will help them accomplish what they want to accomplish, but not in an indirect or inappropriate way. These individuals must step back and determine what level of strength the situation might require. For example, if a family member continues to pry into private or personal matters, rather than responding aggressively, determine what level of strength would set the appropriate boundary. Anger would be inappropriate in this situation. However, using some assertiveness skills like lowering your tone of voice, looking the person in the eye and stating that, "I prefer not to talk about this right now", or "perhaps I haven't made myself clear that I'd rather not discuss this topic", or asking, "Why is it that you want to know these things" might be a less aggressive way to set the boundary.

Assertiveness, like diplomacy, is an art in being able to communicate. Once we have a few of the skills in our relationship tool box, we can negotiate many of the difficult situations that we come across quite well. However, there may still be the person or the situation that we choose to avoid, just because it makes good sense to do so. Depending on how assertive we become, we can still be thought of as aggressive if we use our assertiveness skills in an overbearing or inconsiderate way. It is always good to take stock of any situation we find ourselves in and determine how best to respond. Assertiveness gives us the tools to be able to ask for what we want, give our opinions without being offensive and stand up for ourselves when we believe we are being misjudged. These tools do not give us the right to mistreat or be inconsiderate of anyone we are relating with.

If you believe learning assertiveness skills would be of benefit to you, you might consider finding a group counseling situation that is working on these issues, an individual counselor or if you are more of a self help type person, there are many good books and resources available on the topic. Your Perfect Right is a good resource, in my opinion. It gets a little bogged down in the details, but the author has gone to great lengths to give people step by step information in how to develop assertiveness skills in their lives. The Assertiveness Workbook is also a good resource if you want to practice your skills.

As you seek to improve your communication skills, expect that you will relapse from time to time. The way you have communicated all your life is somewhat of a default setting and it will take some time to change. Look at these small setbacks as learning experiences and decide what you could have done differently to effect a different outcome. Every time you do something different, it will take you to a different outcome. Decide through the process what works and what doesn't. You will soon be able to negotiate difficult circumstances with confidence and the right level of assertiveness.

Understanding Grief and its Effects on the Body

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 23:24:00 +0000

Cover of Molecules of Emotion

Grief is a series of many thoughts and emotions in response to a loss. The extent the heart is connected to what is lost, affects how much grief is experienced. For individuals who are unable to adjust to a loss and move on, it may be necessary to look deeper to see what might be contributing to the prolonged grief. Unresolved past emotions may be triggered by a current loss. In such cases, the resolution of the current grief may be inhibited by a previous decision to either not think or not feel.

In her book, “Molecules of Emotion”, Dr. Candace Pert presents evidence that the experience of emotions are the result of neuropeptides released from the hypothalamus in response to a thought. Each emotion has a specific chemical makeup that flows throughout the body and is picked up by receptor sites in various organs. Each emotion will effect a unique combination of organs in a specific way, and hopefully this will trigger a resolving thought. Dr. Scott Walker has developed a process he calls Neural Emotional Technique which has helped to pinpoint where in the body and what organs are usually effected by each of the different emotions. For purposes of this article, we will choose the three emotions we have talked about here; fear, grief and bitterness. Dr. Walker says that fear is an emotion that effects the kidneys and grief effects the lungs. Scripture leads us to believe that bitterness effects the bones.

Two difficulties can occur in the processing of grief. If one refuses to think about the loss, unresolved energy remains in the brain, resulting in mental distress. Secondly, if the emotions are internalized, repressed, denied or transposed, rather than embraced and expressed, the chemistry of the emotion remains in the organ, and the natural mental processes do not continue to resolution. Since each organ shares a neural pathway with a specific set of muscles, the unresolved emotion will continue to affect both the organ function and the related muscle groups resulting in predictable disorders and pains. However, when the emotion is expressed, the thought processes continue toward resolution causing the release of new emotional chemistry that resolves and replaces the previous set. If each successive new emotion is embraced and expressed, this process finally results in the flow of the vital feel-good, unifying chemicals of a state of joy that facilitate both our biology and behavior.

A scriptural example of this connection between thought, emotion and body function is revealed in Psalm 73. Asaph is envying the apparent ease of the wicked, (vs. 3-12). In verses 13 and 14 he declares his judgment against his efforts for purity of heart and innocence. However, he then realizes the foolishness of that judgment and turns to God for His perspective. Verses 21-22 state, “When my heart was embittered, and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant ”. In the Hebrew, “within” is the word “Kilyah” which means kidneys. When he held onto bitterness in his heart, his kidneys were afflicted and his thinking was blocked. The conclusion of the Psalm in combination with verses 18 through 20 present a godly resolution of his dilemma. We can see this kind of connection when we look at individuals who have certain kinds of kidney failure. As the kidneys are unable to do their job filtering toxins from the body, the toxicity builds and thought processes begin to erode. In advanced stages people become delusional, they may lose their ability to comprehend time and their understanding of simple every day life declines.

Many children are told, “Big boys don’t cry”, or “You’re just too emotional”. These events can result in inner determinations of the heart not to express emotion. Therefore, as loss is experienced, a person may repress the grief and choose to just move on. Also, the processing of overwhelming experiences, especially in childhood, can be so traumatic that the subconscious defensive systems of the mind will shut it down until a time when the person has the capacity to handle the emotion. A person may also stop the processing of grief because they judge a particular thought or emotion within the process as unacceptable. If any of these patterns of repression continue through life, the mental tension and physical chemistry of grief will build. Each successive event can then trigger fresh waves of the chemistry of the unresolved previous events along with those appropriate to the present situation. As a result, they may experience excessive, inappropriate stages, or prolonged grief along with physical symptoms of pain in their bodies. This extreme and confusing response often leads to further repression.

It may be helpful to reconsider other losses in the life and explore how grief was handled in those situations. When a previous event is recalled, it should be meaningful information, but if a wave of emotional chemistry is released it indicates the emotions have not been allowed to resolve. Emotions, when allowed to come forward can resolve when we cry, as we talk and share with another safe person or during the night when we experience REM sleep and begin to dream. Dreams are a human being's way of working through the "baggage" of the day. If we don't dream, we don't process as effectively.

As suppressed emotion is faced, understand that for past experiences, that unresolved chemistry will feel exactly the same. However the good news is that if you are feeling emotion that was suppressed during childhood, what felt overwhelming at the time, may not be as overwhelming as an adult. Allow yourself to feel, work through the emotions and resolve the chemistry...that is the path to good emotional health.

OMG! I've been diagnosed with.....

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 22:45:00 +0000

Responses to a diagnosis, whether it is a mental disorder or a physical one can range from great fear to anger to denial. Most of the time we can't figure out why it has happened, why it would happen to us and aren't familiar with what it is.

Physical disorders can be very scary. How many times in your lifetime have you gone to the doctor and heard you just needed an antibiotic, you had the flu or a rash or needed something to help with indigestion? Then you have an annual physical, a blood test and the doctor calls back saying they need you to come in right away. You hear you have diabetes or heart disease, high cholesterol or some other frightening disease that you never thought you would hear. Your mind starts racing, you think, "This can't be happening to me!" Then, once it sinks in, you start learning everything you can about it, believing that it will be relatively easy to overcome and you'll be back to normal in no time. However after a short time you come to realize that overcoming 40 or 50 years of bad habits isn't so easy. Then you get discouraged and realize that if you don't make the changes needed to turn this thing around, your life may be at stake. Determination takes over and you begin again.

Sometimes as we are researching what to do, we are successful in finding alternative treatments that work, that are more compatible with our value systems. If we have caught the disease in time, it may be much more simple to turn around than if we have denied our symptoms and the disease has progressed. Hope returns and step by step we can address the problem that has overtaken us physically.

Mental disorders are not the same, although many people are diagnosed every day with depression, bi-polar disorder or different forms of personality disorders. The problem is that mental disorders come with more of a stigma. Once the person is diagnosed, although perhaps feeling relieved to know exactly what is going on, they then have to deal with learning about it, how to manage it and often the reaction from family and friends when they become aware of the diagnosis. This kind of diagnosis is just as scary, but can come with a distinct weight and path that needs to be walked out individually.

There are support groups for some of the more well known mental health issues such as depression and grief, but many of the more severe disorders don't lend themselves to support groups as well. Usually by the time someone has been diagnosed, they have alienated family and friends, finding themselves with little to no support.

As we age, the probability that we are going to hear something like this in our own lives becomes more real. How will we deal with it? How will those around us that we care about be affected? How will we be able to handle a negative response. These too become individual responses. As much as possible, attitude plays a huge part in whether we are successful in facing a distressing diagnosis or not. Joy, laughter, love and encouragement are just as essential in the path back to good health as medical science.

Although we may not realize it, unaddressed emotion can effect us mentally as well as physically. It is my humble opinion that in the journey of life, the body is the last voice to speak when we continue to ignore our feelings and stuff our emotional responses to the problems we face in life. Feelings that are ignored don't die. They come up when we are exposed to similar events, people, sights or smells. These are called emotional triggers and are there due to the chemistry of the unresolved emotion existing within the body. If we continue to ignore these emotions, they can develop into fears, social withdrawal, discouragement, depression or eating disorders. If we let them go long enough, the body becomes endangered.

For example, given enough time, the body will begin to interpret a consistent emotion of anger as a wound. The normal response to a wound is to release fibrin, the wound clots, scar tissue forms and the wound begins to heal. So what happens when there is no wound? The body releases that fibrin and it continues to build up and circulate in the blood stream. Clots can form and the person may be more susceptible to a stroke than s/he would have been if that emotion had been dealt with early on in life. Additionally, anything we do to turn the body more acidic will leave us more vulnerable to disease.

Cover of Bob Hope

So what can we do? The most obvious answer is to deal with our emotions as quickly as we are ready too. According to the field of positive psychology, laughter and happiness is one of the easier ways to address our attitudes as a part of good self care. I am old enough to remember some of the comedians of early television like George Burns, Sid Caesar, Bob Hope and others and have observed that these individuals lived well into their 90s, in relatively good health. Why? I would suggest that it is because they lived a life where they incorporated humor. They saw the funny side of life and they were able to laugh at themselves. If we look into scripture, we find verses that confirm this thought as well. For example...."a merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones".

It has also been shown in various studies that happiness helps to innoculate us to the hardships of life. It provides us with a strength of spirit that can sustain us during the hard times. Some things that can increase our happiness quotient revolve around developing a grateful heart. We can do that by keeping a gratitude diary where every day we write down three things we are grateful for. As we write in the diary, it is important to feel that gratefulness, just for a few minutes each day. Another strategy is to begin doing things each day that make us happy. Sometimes it can be a hobby or participating in activities that we are passionate about. Focusing on others, random acts of kindness, and telling the important people in our lives how much they mean to us can begin to turn our hearts to a more positive place. For couples, a wonderful idea can be found in keeping a journal that each person writes in. One day, one spouse writes something about the other spouse that blesses them and leaves the journal in a predetermined place for the spouse to find. The next day, the other spouse writes something in the journal that blesses them about the first spouse and returns it to the same place. This technique serves to encourage and bless both spouses as it focuses attention for each one on the positive attributes and actions of the other. Siblings and families can adapt this technique as well.

Human beings are very complex so please understand I am not suggesting that this is the only way to stay healthy. However, in the long term, it does have its benefits. My encouragement to you would be to deal with your emotional baggage as soon as possible. Forgive where you need to, try to find the humor in things and enjoy the life that you have been given. Life is too short to address it any other way, but unfortunately we let too much time pass by before we truly understand that concept.

Kriss Mitchell is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Post Falls, Idaho. For more information, please visit www.livingwellcc.com.

Social Anxiety....Does It Happen to You?

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 29 Sep 2012 21:44:00 +0000

Social Anxiety (Photo credit: HckySo)

Anxiety in and around social situations can be characterized as Social Phobia, Social Anxiety Disorder, Performance Anxiety and in some cases Generalized Anxiety depending on the level of stress it produces. According to the DSM IV-TR, Social Phobia is a "marked and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment may occur". In these situations, an immediate sense of anxiety comes up and may lead into a panic attack. Adults seem to understand that their response to these situations is unreasonable, however children may not. Many times, the person with Social Phobia will avoid situations that cause them the anxiety, or if they can't get out of the situation it is endured with much dread. Individuals should only be diagnosed with Social Phobia if the fear and avoidance significantly interferes with their daily life.

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Social Phobia most often begins in the mid-teens, "sometimes emergying out of a childhood history of social inhibition or shyness", according to the DSM-IV-TR. How long it lasts is dependent on the individual, what interventions they may use and may come and go with the stresses and demands of life. Most commonly, it is a life long circumstance.

Social Anxiety can also create other conditions that interfere with personal self worth and value. If a child has been in situations where chronic rejection by their peers has been a source of anxiety, their view of themselves can become damaged. This creates great anxiety as they are injected into social situations or performance situations. In dysfunctional families where parents have not mirrored acceptance and approval, low self-esteem develops and accompanies the child into social situations outside the home where they wonder if they are good enough or will be approved of or accepted.

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Generalized Anxiety is more pervasive, characterized when a person has anxiety most all the time, regardless of the specific situations they find themselves in. Social Phobia is very much targeted to social situations and performance situations. It is worth noting children with Separation Anxiety are usually comfortable in their own homes with people they know, where children with Social Phobia display anxiety even when the social situations they fear occur at home.

For most of us, Social Anxiety can be tied to a lack of social skills that are easily learned and implemented with practice. For example, how many of you have felt a twinge of fear when you go into a situation where you don't know the other people there? How do you feel when going to a high school reunion, especially the 10th reunion? If you have ever been a part of a sales team or an MLM organization, how do you feel when asked to make "cold calls"? All these situations can make us question our worth. We ask ourselves, "what will I say, what do I say after I say hello, how do I get people to talk to me, what if I end up alone in the corner...that would be embarrassing, what if I do something stupid?" These are very common fears to individuals who suffer from Social Anxiety. Low self esteem can be a part of these concerns, but for those who just don't have good social skills, a few good conversation starters in the social tool bag can alleviate a lot of stress.

Here is a list of a few questions that you can learn. When social situations come your way, all you need to do is decide which of these questions would be appropriate to the situation and you are on your way:

Conversation starters with someone you don't know:

How was your day?
What do you do for a living? followed by What do you like about your job?
Do you have a family?
Where do you live? followed by What do you like best about that area?
That's a beautiful (necklace, pair of shoes, tie, dress, suit etc.). Where did you get it?

It is always best to ask "open-ended" questions. These are questions which don't require a yes or no answer. Yes and no answers bring conversations to a brisk halt and then require you to ask another question in order to get the conversation going again. That can be one of your sources of stress. It is also good to know that in natural conversation, the conversation will lag after about seven sentences so knowing that, you can be prepared with another question.

Remember, you are not interrogating the other person, but simply looking for things to talk about and trying to get to know them better. Leave room for the other person to respond. When they do, listen to what they are saying. In their conversation you will find other things to talk about. Conversations are like ripples in a pond. The more you converse, the more you learn about each other, and the more fodder for conversation you have to choose from.

Here are other common questions that you can ask, once the conversation gets going:

Where did you grow up?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
What do you like to do to relax?
Do you like sports?
Who is your favorite athlete?
Do you like to travel?
What was your worst vacation experience?
What is your favorite food?
What is your favorite TV show?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
What is the best piece of advice you've received?
Do you own a pet?
Do you prefer cats or dogs? Why?
Do you like to live in the city or the country?
Tell me about your first car.
If you could have any super power, what would it be?

In closing, it would be good to note some common mistakes that people make in conversations:

Don't be rude. Good manners are a must no matter what social situation we might find ourselves in. Please, thank you and excuse me, go a long way in keeping a person interested in social exchanges with you.
Listen. Actually listen to what the other person is saying. Sometimes it is tempting to think about how we are going to respond, but that often distracts us from what the person is saying. Listening to the other person makes them feel valued in the conversation.
Be sure not to monopolize the conversation. Conversations are two-way streets.
Keep competition out of the conversation. When you first meet someone, this is not the time to let them know you are an expert on their lives or their favorite topics. Conversations can lead to friendships and virtually no one wants to be in a relationship with a know-it-all.
Stand a comfortable distance from the person so as not to invade their personal space. Strangers standing to close to us results in anxiety so it is always good to notice the adjustments that others are making in their physical presence when we are conversing with them.
Face the person you are having a conversation with and look them in the eye, most of the time. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with eye contact, so look away from time to time when you are speaking, but always come back to looking at the person when they are speaking. It shows them that you are interested in what they are saying.
Don't be negative or engage in gossip about someone else. Negativity can shut down a conversation very quickly. Keep your conversation upbeat, positive and if possible, humorous.
Humor - the rule of thumb is if people don't laugh, its probably not funny. Negative or self-depricating humor is often a turn off and makes others uncomfortable.
Let other people have their opinions. When getting to know another person, it is not the time to correct their beliefs or perceptions.
Talk with people, not at them. If people feel they are just your audience, they will leave the conversation quickly.
Include facial expressions and acknowledgments in your conversation. Smile at the person when they are talking. Use "ah-ha", "interesting", "I didn't know that" or just simply nod your head in agreement. These types of acknowledgments let the other person know you are engaged in the conversation and listening to what they are saying.
Don't interrupt or cut the person you are speaking with off. We all get excited when we are speaking with someone who shares our views or that we strongly agree with or disagree with. However, interrupting is an invalidating behavior and says to the other person that we only care about what we are saying rather than what they are saying.

Knowing these simple social skills as well as having a few good questions on hand to keep the conversation going will soon allow you to be a whiz in social situations. In order to perfect your skills, practice on family and friends. Sometimes it helps to let them know that you are trying to add a few new tools to your social tool belt. That way if you seem different, they will be in on what you are trying to achieve. However, that is up to you. The goal is to have fun!

De-Stress By Getting Practical

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 22 Sep 2012 22:25:00 +0000

Day 77 - NaNoWriMo Day 16 (Photo credit: Sashala)

Although a certain amount of stress in our lives can be helpful, chronic stress is detrimental to our health and our emotional well being. As stress builds, once it reaches a certain level it can turn into anxiety disorders, which as I mentioned last week, are the number one mental health issue in our population.

I thought that this week I might bring up some easy and practical things that can de-stress our daily lives. Besides being busy, and looking to reduce the major stress producing activities from the daily routine, there are other, simple things that can be done.

Get up 15 minutes earlier in the morning. Having an extra 15 minutes can take the rush out of getting ready and set the tone of your day to a more calm pace. Going a bit further, getting things ready the night before can also give us more time in the morning. If the family eats breakfast together, setting the table the night before could shave a few minutes off the daily routine. Making lunch and setting out your clothes the night before can also be a de-stressor.
Make duplicates of all your keys. If you happen to need a spare set, you can rest assured that with a quick phone call, you can be back in your car or in your home within minutes. If you want to set a spare set of keys outside there are key safes that can be mounted to your door frame or you can bury a spare set of keys somewhere in your garden. Although tempting, it isn't the safest thing to put spare keys somewhere on the outside of your car or in a "rock" in the garden. Most criminals know all the places to look.
Do NOTHING, which after being done, leads you to tell a lie. Having to keep track of things you have said which are not true creates an undue amount of stress. It is much easier to remember the truth.
If you have clothes that don't fit, either get new ones or have them fixed. There are few things that create stress over long periods of time than wearing clothing or shoes that don't fit right.
Take stock of anything in your life that might be a consistent aggrivation. Windshield wipers, stacks of laundry that need to be done, doors that catch and don't work smoothly, appliances that don't work right etc. Get these things fixed or purchase new ones!
Plan ahead - don't wait until you are down to your last egg, your last drop of shampoo, or your last gallon of gas before you replenish your supply. Doing that creates stress.
Live in the moment. When you are doing a task, think about what you are doing rather than doing the task and then thinking about the next thing. If you are wholly present with the people you are with, that not only is a more calming strategy, it also improves relationships.
Take time every day for yourself. Make sure you have lunch, rather than working through. Take some time to have peace and quiet, pray or spend time doing things that you enjoy.
Every day, perform a random act of kindness.
Take a bath. The warm water can be a source of relaxation.
When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breathes. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day and before, during and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several, deep, slow breaths.
Say NO. If you don't have time or if you are uninterested in a project, just say no.
Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments; allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.
Schedule unpleasant tasks for early in the day. Get them done and the rest of the day will be more peaceful.
Ask for help when you need it, delegate when you can. As my mother used to say, many hands make light work.
Stop being late! Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to your appointments. You will find it will be less stressful and it is very considerate of the person you have scheduled the appointment with.
Practice good self care. Take vacations...if you can get away once a quarter that would be optimum. Do something different on your weekends than what you normally do during the week. The change of pace helps prevent burnout. Preserve at least one day of rest during the week. Your body needs the down time to recover.
Don't take your iPad to bed. Computer screens are stimulating, stimulation makes for problems in getting and staying asleep. Lack of sleep creates stress.
Take stock of any stimulants you are ingesting and eliminate or restrict them.
If you are worrying about something, take steps to solve the problem. Being in a chronic state of worry adds to the stress load. If you are procrastinating about something, get it done. Procrastination is stressful.

If you will take some time to assess where the stress is coming from in your life and take steps to make some simple changes, you may find yourself in a better place.

Anxiety and You

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 23:24:00 +0000

Anxiety disorders are now the most common mental health problem in the US. They affect 18% of the population according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Any of us who know more than a half dozen people can attest to that. 18% of the population means roughly 1 out of every 5 people is an anxiety sufferer.

These disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events. Many people have never suffered from anxiety until they go through a severe loss, a traumatic event or something big that is out of their control. In my opinion, anxiety comes from the conscious understanding that we are not as safe, in control or invincible as we thought we were. These experiences are different for each person, but the idea of being unsafe for one reason or another is difficult for most people to live with.

Being very treatable, the difficulty is finding where the anxiety is coming from. We often look for life events or individual circumstances to give us a clue. However, understanding anxiety, it is hard to determine which comes first, the chicken or the egg; life events or brain chemistry. Life events can have a significant effect on emotions, which in turn can change brain chemistry after long periods of time. Chronic life events like abuse, thoughts of low self worth or low self esteem can also have an effect on how we think. Emotions are constructed from brain chemistry and when certain brain chemicals show up in significant amounts in the system, the body will adapt by creating more receptor sites for that chemistry. It is the same adaptation that happens with substance addiction. When looking at it from that context, we can say that we become "addicted" to our brain chemistry; addicted to anger, anxiety, depression etc.

Our brain chemistry, or neurotransmitter function significantly affects us over all. For example, low levels of Dopamine can result in feeling more cravings. Low levels of Norepinephrine can result in a lack of energy, lack of focus and lack of motivation. Anxiety can be the result of high levels of the same neurotransmitter, or high levels of Glutamate, PEA, GABA, Glycine or Taurine. Severe anxiety can also be the result of low levels of Taurine so you can see how changes in our brain chemistry can affect us negatively. When our chemistry is out of balance, it will then be difficult to be positive or calm. It can also affect our sleep, which then can affect short term memory, concentration and even can be a factor in weight gain.

Some of our neuro-transmitters stimulate and some calm the brain and the body, so it is understandable that a good balance between them will be beneficial in maintaining stability in our emotional life.

Often, clients tell me that it is just easier to ignore the emotions that remind them of difficult times in their lives. These emotions are unpleasant and often disrupt the feeling of "normal" that is more desirable. Although this may be a good short term strategy, emotions don't go away. That chemistry remains in the body and can be a source of disease and discontent in our lives. Dr. A.F Beddoe states that 80% of all disease begins with unresolved emotion.

Scripture says quite a bit about how to deal with our bodies when it comes to anxiety and stress. Just to mention a few verses: Ephesians 4:26 says, "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,". Could it be that in the context of health, this means in some form we are sinning against ourselves? Anger let go without resolution can cause long term damage to our mental health and our physical bodies.

Philippians 4:8 comes at it from the opposite perspective, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Developing these kinds of thoughts in our lives on a consistent basis has the effect of keeping us in good mental health. If we cultivate thoughts that have peace and calm as a basis, we will also be peaceful and calm. This attitude can help keep our neural net in good shape. Gratefulness and thankfulness are also positive attitudes to cultivate in our lives. They

Dealing with our emotional life daily is helpful as a wellness strategy. Getting enough rest, working through traumatic experiences, prac-ticing prayer or meditation, practicing forgiveness and developing an attitude of gratefulness all help stabilize our emotional life. Although medications have their place in treatment for anxiety, more natural approaches are recommended to start. Good emotional hygiene is something to practice daily.

Natural Remedies for Anxiety

One of the most effective treatments for anxiety is deep breathing or square breathing techniques. Although it sounds too simple to be true, breathing in a deep, slow measured way does affect our heart rhythm which then sends a message to the brain and the rest of the body to slow down; become more relaxed.

Square breathing is accomplished by breathing in, holding, breathing out, and holding to a count of 3, 4 or 5 depending on how deeply you can breathe at the time. If that is too difficult, just breathing in slowly and deeply, then breathing out slowly over a period of 5+ minutes will help as well. Shallow and rapid breathing exaserbates the anxiety and will lead into a panic attack.

Another technique is to think of something calming. As part of a prescribed treatment, counselors help their clients to develop a memory or a picture in their minds that is very calming and relaxing. When faced with anxiety, this "mini mental vacation" can distract enough to be able to help the person calm down and remain in a relaxed state.

Meditation and/or prayer can also be a most effective way for the person to experience a sense of peace and calm. Practicing this for 15-20 minutes a day will help the mind and body to become more familiar with the state of calm that is desired. This practice can enhance the production of neuro-transmitters that are beneficial to the calm state and over time, bring us back into balance.

EMDR therapy is a trauma therapy which can help a person process through the traumatic memory and resolve the brain chemistry which gets triggered and dumped into the system, causing an anxiety reaction. It works in conjunction with the body's own processing system, rapid eye movement. Simply put, REM sleep is when we process through our day. Our emotions and things that are disturbing to us are brought up and resolved during this stage of sleep.

If traumatic events cannot be processed, the chemistry remains intact and becomes triggered through events, sensations, people, circumstances or any reminder of the event. EMDR allows that chemistry to process and thus takes the emotional charge off the memories that are disturbing to us.

EMDR also helps to change belief systems. Many of us have limiting beliefs that we just can't seem to get beyond. This therapy has proven beneficial when individuals are trying to improve their outlook on life or just change some long held beliefs that seem to hold them hostage.

Milk peptides have been found to be a very effective deterent to anxiety conditions. The study was conducted for 30 consecutive days showing reduced stress reactivity. This was assessed by monitoring a subject's

blood pressure response to a mental stress test. Results similar to the study have been seen at LWCC. Additionally, milk peptides do not compress the range of emotion as some drugs can.

Related Websites

Living Well Counseling and Consulting

Are You Dealing With Grief?

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:15:00 +0000

What is grief? Most of us don't understand what it is until we experience a significant loss or lose someone close to us. Until going through these types of circumstances, we may not realize that it isn't just intense saddness.  Grief is known as an adaptive emotion. With losses of significant impact, a person has to adapt to someone or some thing in their lives not being there. Grief has a significant amount of change built into it. You not only feel the loss but you have to change the way you live and think in connection with the loss. Additionally, there is a component to it where everything feels empty....like the world and your presence in it has no purpose.  Often, when you enter into the process, you begin talking about it and may find many people who feel or have felt that way.

Some of the circumstances we face throughout our lives with regard to grief can range from the loss of a career, the loss of a limb, the loss of a child or a parent. Other things that can produce grief are losses that don't seem as important. These might include the loss of a dream. Connected with divorce it can not only come with the loss of the marriage, but also the loss of what the relationship with that person means to the future; who you are with or without that person in your life. People grieve the loss of the person as they believed them to be as well as the life they could have had. This can also be inclusive of what happens when a person loses a child, miscarries a pregnancy and/or loses an adult child in an accident or combat. To a great extent, human beings aren't built to assimilate the loss of their children. We all understand that we will eventually lose our parents and those older members of our family, but it's harder to compute the loss of a younger person.

With regard to parents, as adults, I don't think we fully comprehend the position parents play in our lives. They are a support.....just like bearing walls are to a house. When you walk in a house you aren't really aware of how supportive these walls are and what their function is in making the house what it is, but take them away and the house will weaken and crack, maybe fall. As they leave us, we must find different supports to put in place....whether they are internal or external. The internal ones are preferred of course, but external supports are helpful too.

In some cases, we may not realize how much parents can be a safety net in our families. Even though we may be self supporting, capable adults.....when we lose one or both of our parents, we may discover they have held that place even though we may not have seen it. Our parents are the ones we could always go to with questions, we could talk things over with them, brainstorm if you will.  They can be the thing in your life that has never changed....a constant that you can count on. Parents tend to hold that place in their kids lives if they are anything close to good parents. When they aren't, often the grief can go on and on, simply because for the child, the relationship remains in sight but is unattainable. When our parents haven't been the stability in our lives, when we lose them we also lose the hope that one day the relationship could be better, could be restored. That can be very difficult to move through and for some is a significant loss.

When we grow up and move out of their homes, we tend to believe that we separate from them...and we do. However that tie is usually never severed if the parents have been nuturing and supportive.  In some cases, we don't become aware of what that tie becomes....it just changes and we tend to interpret that as independence....becoming separate yet equal. Perhaps the emptiness one feels when there are no parents left is the awareness of that next phase of life. Could it be that what we feel at this age is similar to what a toddler feels the first time they realize mom isn't in the room with them, or that they have wandered into a different part of the house and are alone? We think at this age that we're all grown up, but perhaps that isn't the case. At this point, mom and dad have done their job and its over....death is the final step to independence. Yes, we miss them but grief is more than missing them. It says to us that now its up to us, we are truly on our own. There is a maturing in that. That is the adaptive process. We not only feel that huge loss, but we are adapting to being the older generation. We now have to be for our kids what our parents were for us and that can be a big step......the protective covering is gone. We must now provide that. It's a spiritual growth as well as a developmental maturing.

Missing the person can be difficult, but over time that tends to resolve. The adaptive process becomes how you live without the person. You may not doing anything really different than you have done in the past....its just that you are doing it without that person or that job or whatever the loss has been. Part of the grief process causes us to mature in ways that we didn't know were still left to develop.

According to Erik Erickson, there are stages of development throughout our lifetime. We learn, mature, change and grow up to the end of our lives.  Kohlberg identified moral stages of development that aren't quite as clear cut time wise over our lives, but they are there just the same. If we have lived our lives well, we reach the end with few or no regrets. If we have not, there may be a difficult process to go through at that stage. Even as adults, we continue to mature and I sometimes believe that the hardest things are left to the end of our lives because we need that maturity and the moral integrity to go through them. Could it be that when relationship with a parent is interrupted to soon, either by death or dysfunction, the impact to the human being is greater than we have anticipated. Yes....we cope, but it can be much harder and there can be significant changes to the person and how they relate to others and the world around them.

Grief does have a process - Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Sadness and Acceptance. We move in and out of the stages, back and forth sometimes but do tend to move forward over time. Sometimes it doesn't feel very good. It can take us by surprise, jarring our lives out of sync. That can be part of the shock. We can feel unmotivated, empty, depressed, insecure, lost, incapable and the list goes on and on.

If you have experienced these things after a loss, just know the process takes as long as it takes to move through. If you need help, be sure to ask for it. Take care of yourself. If you need medication or supplementation, be sure to visit your doctor.  You may need a counselor, there are good grief counselors available. Avail yourself of Hospice services if you have those available to you. This is a time to take care of yourself. Just remember, you will get through it....it is a process that you mature, adapt and move through. The emotion is just part of it.

Remembering Those Who Have Served

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 26 May 2012 03:50:00 +0000

In the 55 years of my life, I’ve watched quite a few war movies. When I was younger, they didn’t impact me the way they do now…perhaps because at this stage of my life I have begun to understand the sacrifice that is made by each and every person who puts on a military uniform and heads off to a war, or a police action, or whatever it is that governments decide to call it when they send human beings off to face the hell that is armed conflict. Over the last few weekends I’ve watched the Clint Eastwood movies, “Letters from Iwo Jima” and “Flags of our Fathers”, only to be reduced to tears, not only at the end of each story, but most of the way through them.

I have always had an emotional response, no only to war movies, but each time I think of those who have put themselves in harm’s way so I can live the way I live in such a wonderful country. My heart fills with such gratitude that I can only express what I feel with tears, at least that is what I think it is. I know there is also a measure of sadness that comes over me as well, because to even be able to feel a little bit of what these people must have experienced is overwhelming to me.

I remember when I was 19….my mom, dad and I took a trip back to Washington DC. It was the year before the bi-centennial so many of the touristy places were closed or semi-closed for cleaning, repairing or something so they would be ready for the celebration that was to take place the following year. One of the days that we were there, we decided to visit one of the civil war battlefields at Manassas, VA. Even then, when I stepped out onto the battlefield, I felt such a sense of grief for what had gone on there. It was as if, on that quiet day, there was a solemn spirit in every tree, every bird….and on the wind, it carried the memory of what had happened there for every visitor to feel. I have never forgotten that day. Since then I have come to understand some of the terrible and frightful things that happened during that war. I have letters written home from a great-great grandfather who fought for the Union army that described his loneliness and how much he wanted to hear from his family. William Tecumseh Sherman said “War is hell” and on this day so many years later, I must say that I agree.

Six years ago I had the privilege of going to Hawaii to visit the Arizona memorial. The day I was there was December 6th and I was on the first launch that took visitors over to the memorial that day, so accompanying us was a compliment of servicemen from each branch of the service. Their task that day was to place a wreath on the memorial, so we had been instructed as to how to behave while the short ceremony was taking place. It was very moving, and of course I cried.

We’ve all seen the Pearl Harbor movies so are familiar with what happened and what the memorial looks like, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the understanding of what had happened for so many of those men. As I watched the movie that they show you before going over to the memorial, I saw, for probably the first time some original footage from the attack that you just don’t see in the movies or on TV. I saw men jumping into the water from burning ships….jumping into water covered with oil that was burning as well. Can you imagine what that is like? Can you imagine how frightening that must have been to not only jump into burning water, but to have to decide, while under the water, where you are going to surface for your next breath of air, when everything is on fire? Where is there a place on the surface that is safe to poke your head up, where you won’t breathe in flames or diesel fuel? For several brief moments I allowed myself to imagine….to feel what it might have been like for them and I was overwhelmed.

The sense of that moment stayed with me as we entered the launch and were taken over to the memorial. Once the wreath was placed, we were free to walk around the memorial, look at the pictures and visit the sanctuary where all the names of the missing and the dead were written on the walls. Again, it was a sobering time, but for me, although I was moved by the surroundings, I wasn’t as moved by the atmosphere as I was by several gentlemen who were standing quietly, searching the wall for the names of their buddies who had died on that day so many years ago. They had placed flowers on the memorial, but as they turned to go and walked past me, the pain in their eyes, the tears on their cheeks said more than words could ever say. As a counselor, I could see some of what was underneath and I cried for them as well. These men were never given any kind of emotional help, to allow them to process through the immense amount of emotion that must have come, not only from that day, but in the days after. The grief that comes from knowing people you served with, who were your family and had died so tragically…the guilt that sometimes comes from being a survivor….the shock of going through such an overwhelming series of events. Human beings aren’t prepared or equipped to go through that kind of thing alone, yet this generation of men did just that. My heart broke and still does for what they went through.

Then I had to recognize that these men were not the only ones who dealt with this kind of pain. There was the Korean War and Viet Nam. Each of these combat situations afforded the servicemen and women who served in them their own unique brand of trauma. I grew up during the Viet Nam war and I remember watching the news every night and listening to Dan Rather report on how many hundreds and thousands of men had died that particular day in the war. They don’t do that kind of thing now, but it was an every day event at the time. Viet Nam was an unpopular war and I remember how tragically the protestors took out their opposition to the war on the returning soldiers. They were cursed and spat upon, as if they had no feelings and didn’t need our acceptance and gratitude for what they had gone through. Yes, disagree with the government, but it was not necessary or appropriate to show such contempt and hatred for those who were coming home from their own versions of hell abroad.

From each of these wars, we had and still have generations of brave soldiers who live the trauma of war every day in their minds. It has not been until recently that any type of help was offered that could bring peace to the chaos of the PTSD as we call it now, or the shell shock as it was called in WWII or battle fatigue as it was referred to in the previous wars.

After watching these two movies about Iwo Jima, the horrors of war are brought to the silver screen in all their hideous glory and I cried again. I can’t even begin to explain why, except my heart continued to break for the pain it caused and there is still that overwhelming gratitude that I feel when I see what courage each one had to be able to do what they did. No, I didn’t know any of the soldiers who died in the Pacific theater, but my mother did. Many of her friends were killed on Iwo Jima, Guadal Canal and Saipan and I know from the stories that she told over my lifetime, she was not the same after their loss.

I think what touches my heart more than anything is that the men and women who presently serve and have served in our military understand, at least to some extent, what they are looking forward to when they serve in combat and they have chosen to do it anyway. There is a caption on a picture of troops exiting a launch into the waters of Omaha Beach...it says "Courage doesn't mean you aren't afraid...it means you go anyway." That says so much.

Yes, there was a time when joining the service wasn’t voluntary…I remember the draft as well as anyone my age, but the majority of them faced their duty with great grace. War is hell…just being in its presence changes people on a fundamental level. There is no one who goes through combat who comes out on the other side the same. I believe that is also what my tears are for. How do we, as civilians, ever repay someone for changing who they are, for bearing the pain of seeing someone you love get blown apart or die in your arms, for going through the “dark night of the soul” while we stay in the comfort of our homes and hear about it on the news? I just don’t know that we can, and that breaks my heart as well.

There was a line at the end of “Flags of our Fathers” that said, “Heros are something we create, something we need. It’s a way for us to understand what is almost incomprehensible… how people could sacrifice so much for us…but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country, but they died for their friends…for the man in front, for the man beside them, and if we truly wish to honor these men, we should remember them the way they really were…….

I have never served in the military, although I have people in my life who I care very much about who have. I’ve never been in combat, so I don’t know if this profound sentiment is just a line in a movie or if it represents what our troops really feel…..but as I watch snippets of history such as this, and feel the love in my heart for the people who are in my life that represent these special men who have fought and died for our nation, my heart fills with gratitude, I grieve for their loss, celebrate their lives…….and I cry.

Unresolved Trauma Looks Like......

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 20:24:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

As I work with individuals who have experienced different forms of abuse and trauma in their lives, it is clear that unless they have really worked at it, the trauma is still affecting them in ways they don't recognize or connect with it. Many people enter the counseling process without even realizing they have been traumatized. They just think whatever has happened to them is part of life and they have moved on. However, sometimes the negative patterns they find themselves in, can often be residual effects of abuse, neglect or traumatic experiences.

It is important to understand that trauma is different for everyone. It differs from abuse in that trauma is described as the long term effect of abuse. One of the main principles to understand when dealing with a traumatized person is that it is the person's experience of the event, not the event itself, that is traumatizing. It is our perception of what has happened or is happening, as well as our interpretation of what that means for the future which determines our experience. That perception creates a lens that we see life through from that point on. If the traumatic perception is strong enough, we begin to develop coping mechanisms to help avoid running into that experience in the future. Traumatic experiences that have gone unresolved can affect our response patterns and can initiate spontaneous triggers that put us into fight or flight responses if the experience is strong enough. Often I have clients report that they can't think, remember or recall information when they are under certain stressors or anxiety. Some individuals think they have ADD but after going through EMDR therapy and resolving the traumatic emotional chemistry, their confusion, distraction and/or lack of focus goes away.

There are some obvious indications that a person is dealing with unresolved trauma; such as self harm, suicidal thoughts and feelings or addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex etc. However there are some things that may not seem as defined as these behaviors. For example, not being able to tolerate intense emotion may be a sign that a person has unresolved trauma in their lives. The original traumatic event as perceived by the person initially may have brought on an intense emotional response. Therefore it would be reasonable to conclude that anything that feels like that again would be significantly difficult to bear. Often when children go through something that is traumatic to them, they dissociate from the memory and/or the feelings because it is simply too intense for them to process. However, whether we are aware of memory or not, the experience is recorded and when we experience something that feels similar to the event, we may have a reaction.

Being unable to commit in relationships, fear of commitment, being unable to bond....these are symptoms of unresolved trauma. Additionally, fear of conflict can be the result of never seeing conflict resolved. This can be very traumatic for a child, which can lead to becoming an adult without the conflict resolution skills needed to deal with the many situations we face in life which involve conflict. Without those skills, conflict can be a very scary situation and cause the adult to again experience those childhood anxieties that came when they were involved in or heard conflict that went unresolved.

Cover of Molecules of Emotion

Emotions and memory are chemistry within the body. According to Candace Pert, in Molecules of Emotion, our emotions are biochemical and effect our bodies down to the cellular level. When this chemistry goes unresolved through our natural processing mechanisms, it has the capacity to be triggered again and again by whatever feels similar to the original event. That trigger can be sight, sound, smell or touch. When triggered, the original chemical formulation is again dumped into the body and we experience the event again. The good news is, this chemistry can be resolved; thus resolving the reaction and allowing the brain-body connection to return to normal.

Other reactions that may be attributed to unresolved trauma have to do with chronic belief systems about self worth. The person may believe they are bad, have no value or are unimportant to others. They don't see themselves as worthy of being loved. They may also take on excess responsibility, believe that everything is their fault or apologize for their behavior more than is appropriate. Depending on what age the child experienced the trauma, these behaviors may have caused the person to become stuck in a stage of development known as ego-centrism. Simply put, during this stage of a child's development they believe that whatever happens around them happens because of them. This is why we have learned to tell young children that their parent's failed relationship is not their fault. During this stage, children can believe that if bad things happen to others around them, it is their fault somehow. Carried into adulthood, this manifests in control, being overly responsible, perfectionistic behavior and even what we know to be Type A behavior. Of course, not all Type A behavior is the result of trauma, but when trauma exists in the background of a Type A personality, it is worth looking at.

In my next post, I'll explore some of the other symptoms of unresolved trauma. If you recognize any of these symptoms and they are causing problems in your life, you may want to seek the help of a professional counselor who is skilled in trauma therapy. Having a support network around you is very helpful as you take on these issues. Just remember, there is hope and there is help to move beyond these things. Explore the possibilities today.

Depression Looks Different in Men and Women

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 23:40:00 +0000

Image via Wikipediae In working with depression, counselors and clients alike have seen the symptoms of depression to be the same across the board.

Depression has several different criterion - at least the depression that we are familiar with. Major Depressive Disorder is characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes that are not consistent, but a person can be diagnosed with Depression if they have had one or more episodes. An episode consists of:

at least 2 weeks of depressed mood or loss of interest
accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of depression as follows:

markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day
insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

Other forms of depression are Dysthymic Disorder which is characterized by at least 2 years of depressed mood for more days than not and then the Bipolar 1 and 2 Disorders which cycle between Depressive Episodes and Manic Episodes. With regard to Bipolar, these diagnosis are more complicated than what I have described, but this post is not about Bipolar, it is about depression so I am not going to go into these in detail.

Depression is not about just having a down day. I often describe it as having a dark veil over your life that you can see through, but it colors everything. It is a state of mind rather than a passing mood and it is not something that should be ignored. Often depression is characterized as a condition that you can just buck up and get over without any help or support. That is not true. Having a down day or a blue mood can be overcome by changing your thoughts, getting more sleep or engaging in social activities. True depression is more complicated and difficult. Depression is a condition of the brain, whether it is a shrunken hypothalamus or an imbalance in brain chemistry. Since we can't live outside our brains, when our chemistry is out of balance it is extremely difficult to overcome this without help. Telling someone with this condition to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get on with life is the worst thing to do. I would encourage anyone with depression to seek out a doctor or a naturopath for assistance with this condition.

Often individuals who have gone through abuse in their lives are susceptible to depression in their lives. Chronic inner conflict can be a major contributor to the body's ability to remain in a balanced state. Can a person be depressed without going through abuse? Yes, absolutely. However there can be others sources of inner conflict such as being in a relationship where you aren't able to be yourself, working and/or living in a very controlled environment, alcohol or drug use, disease and medications to name a few. Living in our area, we are now going into the winter months and many people are affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder which is a Disorder that comes on when sunlight is limited.

However, the symptoms of Depression are now being categorized differently for men and women. Here is the list for you to look at:

Female Depression Male Depression

Blame themselves Feel others are to blame
Feel sad, apathetic, worthless Feel angry, irritable and ego inflated
Feel anxious and scared Feel suspicious and guarded
Avoids conflicts at all costs Creates Conflicts
Always tries to be nice Overtly or covertly hostile
Withdraws when feeling hurt Attacks when feeling hurt
Has trouble with self respect Demands respect from others
Feels they were born to fail Feels the world set them up to fail
Slowed down and nervous Restless and agitated
Chronic procrastinator Compulsive time keeper
Sleeps too much Sleeps too little
Trouble setting boundaries Needs control at all costs
Feels guilty for what they do Feels ashamed for who they are
Uncomfortable receiving praise Frustrated if not praised enough
Finds it easy to talk about weaknesses and doubts Terrified to talk about weaknesses and doubt
Strong fear of success Strong fear of failure
Needs to "blend in" to feel safe Needs to be "top dog" to feel safe
uses food, friends, and love to self medicate Uses alcohol, TV, sports and sex to self-med
Believe their problems could be solved only Believe their problems could be solved only

if they could be a better (spouse, co-worker if their (spouse, co-worker, parent,

parent, friend) friend) would treat them better.

20. Constantly wonder, "Am I loveable enough?" Constantly wonder "Am I being loved

enough?"

Comparing this list, the two sides look very different. Additionally, the symptoms Mr Diamond lists for male depression are symptoms that are often attributed to other disorders, anger problems, personality disorders and trauma disorders. I believe that there needs to be continued research into this so that depression in both sexes can be diagnosed accurately and treated appropriately. In domestic violence situations and abusive relationships, men tend to display many of these symptoms as do women.

If both parties in a relationship are depressed, it stands to reason that the relationship would suffer. There would be little energy coming from either side as well as few internal resources available to work at the problems that would inevitably appear.

How should a person deal with someone who is depressed? First of all, don't tell them to get over it, cheer up or just snap out of it. They can't and that creates more hopelessness. Patience is a good start. Often being bright and cheery around a depressed person can be hurtful to them because they can't reciprocate. Listening to them, supporting them, helping them with daily activities is a good start. If the person needs supplementation or medication, a trip to the doctor is in order. Some individuals are leery of antidepressents, however these medications have their purpose. If an antidepressant is prescribed, it is always wise to stay in touch with your doctor and never just stop taking them. Anti-depressants require 6 weeks to reach appropriate levels in the bloodstream and they are started in stages and stopped in stages. Keep in touch with your doctor about how you feel because they will help you decide whether you are being given the right medicine at the right dose.

Natural remedies for depression can include exercise. 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week has shown to be very therapeutic for people who suffer from depression. Other remedies are St. John's Wort, SAM-e, 5-HTP which is a serotonin enhancer, L-Tyrosine, improving diet by looking for food allergies to wheat or gluten, corn or soy. Improved sleep habits are important for improving mood as well. It is always recommended to consult with a professional before taking any supplement.

I encourage all my readers to participate in good self care. Toxic relationships have a dramatic effect on the psyche as well as health problems. Don't suffer through another day of depression without taking some steps to move forward. Life without joy or happiness is a hard place to be and no one should be in that place very long.

Looking Beyond Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:28:00 +0000

Image via WikipediaWhen I started this blog, I thought that it would be enough to discuss all the different ways that domestic viol ence could be seen and understood. Although I'm sure I haven't provided an exhaustive source of information, I think I did a good job of getting some relevant information out there for people to use. One thing that I haven't done is to look into some of the mental health issues that might be sources for abuse and how they can look with regard to relationships and parenting abilities. With this post, I am going to start doing that.

There are many mental illnesses that have their roots in childhood abuse and neglect....just take a look at the nine personality disorders if you need convincing. When children are abused, be it sexually, emotionally or physically...it tends to change them and often not for the better. The ACE Study for example, is a study completed by Kaiser Permanente, a large HMO in the US. It shows a direct correlation between Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and physical illness in adults who scored above 4 on the test. In other words, the more abuse, the greater the possibility of illness and physical problems as an adult.

In other studies done by Bessel van der Kolk, he has shown numerous times that there is a direct correlation between abuse/trauma and changes in the brain. Children who grow up with an angry parent tend to develop anger problems themselves. As an added benefit, these children often have deficits in self esteem, are depressed or formulate highly developed control issues. Abuse and neglect produce more abuse and neglect, even if we look at it from the perspective of simple modeling. If a husband treats his wife without honor, where is his son going to get the understanding that men and women need to treat each other honorably?

When speaking of mental illness, it can be separated into organic and non organic causes. Beyond that there is a category of illnesses that no one is sure what the cause is. Personality disorders can fall into that category. They just know that with each one, there is a common denominator of abuse, neglect and/or trauma. Modeling and conditioning would then be another common denominator with children coming from families that consistently model inappropriate behavior towards each other and/or conditioning which changes the normal way human beings relate to each other.

Image via WikipediaWhen we look at abuse, it is common to see some mental health issues involved. Besides the personality disorders there are Bi-Polar Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Depression as well as co-existing addiction issues. Any kind of drug, alcohol, gambling, or sexual addiction can lend a contributing factor to abusive or neglectful behavior in a family, marriage or parenting relationship. Abuse, in the majority of cases, does not come out of a vacuum.

The good news is that in the disorders which are organic, meaning they have physical causes, medication has shown to be a very good option in returning the person to an emotional balance. Some common organic disorders are BiPolar, Depression, Anxiety and Schizophrenia. Others who would rather not use medication have found appropriate supplementation to work effectively in some cases. When someone has BiPolar Disorder, in most cases when they have found the right supplement or medication in the right dose, they can lead a very normal and balanced life. It then becomes their responsibility to take the medication as prescribed and stay in good contact with their physician to monitor their progress. Developing a relationship with a good counselor is always advisable as it has been proven that medication alone or counseling alone in cases of BiPolar, Anxiety and Depression are not as effective as medication/supplementation and counseling together.

With non-organic disorders such as Personality Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other disorders that are based out of trauma, counseling can have a positive effect. EMDR therapy is a proven and effective therapy which deals with trauma and has shown to be most helpful in cases of PTSD. Behavioral therapies such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) work well in most situations of Borderline Personality Disorder if the person will commit to the process. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and different forms of spiritual counseling have shown to be effective in general when individuals have been traumatized.

Image via WikipediaIn these rather chaotic and trying times, it seems that the days of the lone ranger are coming to a close. As human beings, we tend to function better in relationship with others than as separate and isolated people. When we face challenges, working with another person or a team of people who have the ability to get you from where you are to where you would like to be is an option we all must consider. If you are struggling with some issues, please seek out the help of someone you trust. That may be a friend, a pastor, a counselor, your doctor or your naturopath. Just make sure the person you seek help from has the skill set to be able to truly help you. Friends and family can provide support, love and kindness when you truly need it but when that is not enough, please seek further assistance from a professional.

The Cost of Stress in the Workplace

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 18:06:00 +0000

Image by onestudentry via Flickr

Often, as employers, we don’t think about the personal stress in employees lives as being detrimental to our businesses, but as stress levels increase, employees may begin to have problems at work that go unnoticed until its too late. If any of your employees are experiencing symptoms that look like these, they may be dealing with stress that is building to an unhealthy point.

Frequent Grievances: Stressed employees have less ability to cope with irritations and problems. Grievances may be legitimate signs of organizational problems, however stressed employees may feel more powerless to evoke change and resort to complaining.

Absenteeism: Avoiding problems at work by not being there is one way of dealing with stress. When stress goes unresolved it leads to illness and physical problems. Absent employees cost the company in productivity as well as increasing costs of health care.

Accidents: Stress causes a narrow focus, inability to concentrate and forgetfulness. Employees trying to maintain or increase their productivity may take short cuts which can lead to accidents. Accidents lead to an increase in worker compensation claims.

Judgment Errors: People find it difficult to concentrate under stress and may be preoccupied by their stressors. Not being fully engaged, they can make errors in judgment that can be detrimental to their jobs and their safety. Stress also has a dulling effect on the thinking process which causes the person to miss environmental cues.

Conflict: Stressed employees have few reserves to cope with interpersonal problems with co-workers or supervisors. Conflicted relationships at work can add to their own stress as well as the stress level of other employees. When people are concerned with their safety and well being, their higher brain functions are impaired and they revert to more self protective measures.

Customer Service: Stressed and depleted employees virtually guarantee unhappy customers which affect the bottom line of any business.

As employers, what can you do to help improve stress levels at work?

EAP Programs: EAP programs that provide counseling are an effective tool to move the employee into the healing process.

Conflict Resolution: Training in conflict resolution skills provides leadership with tools to mediate conflicts successfully.

Positive Reinforcement: Management styles can contribute to employee stress. Positive reinforcement has been shown to be the most effective way to correct behavior while punishment is by far the least effective.

Organizational Problems: Employees who feel empowered and have some control over their lives and their jobs will feel less stressed. Address any legitimate problems in the organization and give employees a voice in those changes. This makes them a part of the solution.

Stand and Never Yield

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 19:39:00 +0000

Image via WikipediaI ask that you indulge me today. A day that is sad for everyone but a day that I am learning is quickly being forgotten by individuals who are younger than myself. I have had conversations with these people who ask, why do we have to keep going through this, why do we need to keep looking at these pictures and hearing about this? I guess I would have to say that if you need to ask, that is reason enough.

The following is a story from a book entitled "Warriors" edited by Loren Christensen. It is a compilation of stories about heroes and bravery. Even though today is a day that we hear many heroic encounters of events, I believe this is one of the ones that has touched me and I would like to share it with you.

STAND AND NEVER YIELD

How Rick Rescorla Saved 2,700 Lives on 9-11

by Dan Hill

(as told to Fred McBee)

Rick Rescorla predicted 9-11. He also predicted the 1993 World Trade Center bombing. It is a matter of record. Rescorla was the vice president for security for Dean Witter Corporation when he foresaw the bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993. Two years before this first attack, he predicted it would be a truck bomb exploding in the unsecured basement parking area. He went to the New York/New Jersey Port Authority with his warnings and was told to "be concerned with the security of the 40 floors that Dean Witter leases from us and leave the rest to us". Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley received about one-quarter billion dollars in settlement fees for the Port Authority's negligence in failing to heed the informed warnings of the coming 1993 attack.

Still ignorant, arrogant, and flat-out stupid, the Port Authority and Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley refused to heed Rescorla's second warning - a very specific warning - that another attack was coming - this time from the air - in the form of commercial aircraft. Rescorla was a hair off. He thought it would be cargo aircraft out of Europe or the Middle East loaded with explosives.

Asked by his superiors what could be done to prevent such an attack, Rescorla replied, "Nothing. Get out of this building. It's nothing but a big, soft target. And they intend to hit us again. Move across the river to New Jersey. Build, buy, or rent a group of low-rise buildings. Spread out into smaller targets. In this computer age we could do our business from the middle of North Dakota. We don't need Wall Street anymore."

How does a man come to posses this ability to so accurately predict future events? He had no crystal ball. He was not clairvoyant. He was a professional in the arts of intelligence, security, and counterguerrilla warfare. He had spent his entire life centered on these things. Over a lifetime, Rescorla accumulated knowledge and experience that allowed him to know how, when, why, and where his enemy would strike.

Rescorla was born in May 1939 in Hayle, Cornwall, England. His childhood memories were of commando raids by British forces, OSS (Office of Strategic Services) operations, and the French Resistance. As a youth he read about these events, studied them, analyzed them, criticized them - like a Monday morning quarterback. He was virtually nurtured at the tit of war and special operations.

In his teens he joined the British army, became a paratrooper, and then went into intelligence and led a unit fighting guerillas and insurgents in Cyprus. Then he went to Africa Northern Rhodesia (now Zambia), where he fought more guerrillas and insurgents. After that, he joined the London police force as a member of the Scotland Yard Flying Squad, where he was much involved in anti-IRA operations. In 1963, he came to the United States and enlisted in the U.S. Army as a private. In April 1965 he was commissioned as a U.S. officer of infantry out of the OCS course at Fort Benning, Georgia. Five months later he was commanding a platoon of 44 men in Vietnam with the 2/7th Cavalry Battalion of the 1st Air Cavalry Division. Two months after that he was one of the most distinguised heroes of the battle of Ia Drang Valley (see the Joe Galloway/Lt Gen. Hal Moore book We Were Soldiers Once...And Young).

After the war, Rescorla left active army service (although he stayed in the National Guard until he retired as a colonel). In 1967 he became an American citizen. He had paid his dues. He went to college at the University of Oklahoma, where he studied literature and writing. Then he went to law school and became a lawyer. He taught criminal justice at the University of South Carolina in Columbia for a while, but the academic life was too tame for him. He went into the banking/financial security business and quickly advanced to the top ranks of his profession.

Over the course of his life, Rescorla developed a corps of men he could rely upon: thinkers, soldiers, politicians, writers, law enforcement officials - second class, politically incorrect, belligerent men who saw things as they actually were and not what they seem to be. From these he developed his own brain trust - his own intelligence unity, his own staff and group of counselors. He kept in contact with them by telephone. He posed questions - hypothetical situations concerning international developments and problems. He collected, consolidated, and analyzed the input from this net of agents and thus came to logical conclusions. Some he hired for short periods as consultants. One, a natural insurgent/guerrilla/warrior, he brought to New York to make an estimate of the situation and the likely plan of attack upon the World Trade Center. In 1990-91, all this produced the prediction of the 1993 bombing. In 1995-96, it predicted the 2001 air attack.

See? No horoscope, no crystal ball, no tarot cards, just plain and simple intelligence and professional expertise and logical projection, i.e., "If you want to know what a terrorist is likely to do, just ask a terrorist - or one whose mind works like that of a terrorist."

Now, why was Rick Rescorla a hero on 9-11? Because after being told by Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley that they could not relocate - that their lease ran to 2005 and maybe after that the move would be possible - Rescorla planned and drilled the Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley staff and employees in the evacuation of the World Trade Center offices that they occupied.

Despite criticism and intimidation, despite ridicule and denigration, Rescorla forced his people to drill. Without warning, he'd sound an alarm and then lead the entire company through a mandatory, rapid, efficient, and safe evacuation practice. They grumbled and they griped, but they did it.

Rescorla installed generators and stair lighting in case of power failure (which came to be). He assigned office and floor wardens to ensure control and accountability of personnel in evacuating. Rescorla insisted on buddy teams - people were to go two-y-two down the stairs in an orderly and rapid manner. Rescorla made sure that elderly and handicapped persons had three or four others to assist them. And he drilled them - over and over, again and again - until it became a conditioned response, like that of "a soldier going into an antiambush drill." as Rescorla put it.

On the day of the crisis, when the first tower was hit, the Port Authority ordered everyone in the second tower to stay at their desks. Rescorla made a command decision to countermand that order. "Bugger that!" he said. And then he initiated his conditioned response plan. Evacuation began immediately.

Trained, conditioned, the Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley employees responded. They implemented Rescorla's plan; 2,700 people followed his drill. Rescorla was everywhere - the halls, the stairwells - from the 10th to the 70th floor. His voice could be heard about the near mayhem, keeping everyone calm, responsive, moving in a controlled and orderly manner. At times he sang to them over his megaphone. He sang "God Bless America" in that booming deep baritone of his. And he sag the defiant "Men of Harlech," just as he'd done when the 7th Cavalry was surrounded in the Ia Drang Valley, just as the British army had done when surrounded by the Zulus at Rourke's Drift.

Men of Cornwall stop your dreaming;

Can't you see their spearpoints gleaming?

See their warriors' pennants streaming

To this battlefield.

Men of Cornwall stand ye steady;

It cannot be ever said ye

for the battle were not ready;

Stand and never yield!

All but six of Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley's employees survived. They got out - alive. They live today. They live because Rescorla was watching out for them.

Dean Witter/Morgan Stanley was not comprised of its equipment, computers, files, fixtures, furnishings, or potted plants. It was comprised of its people - those 2,700 individuals, their minds and talents and experience. When Rescorla saved their lives through his foresight and actions, he also saved the largest financial institution in the nation, in the world, on this earth.

But Rescorla did not survive. After shepherding the 2,700 out of the building, Rescorla knew there were still a few above - the confused, the disoriented, the inured. And as everyone who knew Rescorla knows, he would leave no man behind.

An so he went up into that tower of death in an attempt to save them. He knew it was a forlorn hope. He knew that he would probably die in his attempt. But Rescorla was a man who could never live with himself in the future if he did not try to save those few who were left. So he went up. And the tower came down. And Rescorla is no more.

I know this is true. I was Rescorla's best friend, confidant, and comrade-in-arms throughout our entire adult lives. I fought with him in Africa, went through OCS at the same time he did, fought in Vietnam with him. I am the guerrilla/insurgent/terrorist-at-heart he hired as a consultant. My children called him "Uncle Rick." My wife thought of him as the brother and sibling she'd never really had. I was best man at both of his weddings. From 1970 until his death, we spoke on the telephone three or four times a week. His children called me "Uncle Dan." Not by blood or birth but by choice we were brothers. (For a full account of Rescorla and Hill's legendary exploits and amazing friendship, read Heart of a Soldier by James B. Stewart.)

On 9-11, as he went through that trial, we spoke over the cell phone as things progressed from the initial aircraft hit until he went up looking for the few survivors who may have been left behind. After he started up, he called his wife, Susan. His last words to her were, "You made my life." Susan and I were both watching our TV when Rick's tower went down, taking him and his life with it.

I have wept only one time over the loss of my one true friend, brother, and companion - and that, unfortunately, was on national television while being interviewed by Jane Pauley. She asked me then if that was the first time I had cried over Rick. I replied, "Yeah. I've been too busy being proud of him. I've been too busy cheering."

I have vowed to never again cry over Rick Rescorla and his death. It was not an event to weep over. It was a noble ending for a noble man. I choose to rejoice in that. I will continue to cheer.

Such magnificent men are rare. They appear every few eons or so, and they are a gift to mankind. Rescorla died the death for which he was destined - standing for the principles of honor, integrity, and valor. He was a man who considered every man to be as important as himself. From bush natives in Africa to the barons of Wall Street, he considered every life as valuable as his own. In the end, he died as he lived - in service to his fellow man. Like the Good Book says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).

There was no better man in history. There probably never will be better. I give you 2,700 survivors of the 9-11 World Trade Center disaster as witnesses.

Personality Traits Are Important When Looking At A Potential Mate

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sun, 01 May 2011 22:14:00 +0000

Image via WikipediaPersonality traits are intrinsic differences that remain stable throughout most of our life. They are the constant aspects of our individuality. A person's individuality is comprised of their temperament traits, personality traits and habit patterns. These ingredients can manifest themselves in different ways as they are influenced by environment and relationships during childhood. In light of this definition, it is important to understand what can and cannot be changed about an individual. Many times, men and women are attracted by certain characteristics about the opposite sex and develop a bond with that person based on perceptions that they have about relationships and people. Additionally, when that happens, a hormone called PEA is released and the individuals lose their sense of objectivity. Under the influence of PEA, traits that may be difficult to deal with, embarrassing or even obnoxious are often overlooked or considered "cute". Once the PEA wears off, these traits become much less "cute" and in some cases can turn into different forms of abuse over time.

Going into a relationship with the idea that you can change a person or just love them enough to change particular behavioral characteristics is often a recipe for disaster. Habits are things we learn and with enough motivation can be changed. Personality and temperament are what make us individuals and are part of our unique identity. Personality and temperament can be influenced by abuse and the effects of that abuse can be healed, which may be interpreted as behavioral changes, but healing simply restores the person to their original "programming"...it does not change them.

The New York Longitudinal Studies found that "Children are born with their natural style of interacting with or reacting to people, places, and things". This means that if you interact with a person who has specific traits that you don't like, you either need to learn to work with that person or not....it would not be wise to engage in long term relationships believing that you can change them. Studies also have shown that individuals who have been victims of certain levels of abuse during their childhood don't individuate. They grow up to be individuals who view relationships as a part of themselves and see the other person as a completion of themselves. When individuals with this type of wounding establish a bond with individuals who have personality traits which fall into the DIFFICULT, ACTIVE OR FEISTY personality type, there may be some issues which result. Therefore, it is always a good idea to take inventory of who we are as opposed to who someone else is when establishing relationships. Feelings alone will not be an accurate determination of whether a relationship will work or not.

The Longitudinal Study found that there were nine distinct temperament traits that human beings are born with:

Activity: Is the child always moving and doing something OR does he or she have a more relaxed style?
Rhythmicity: Is the child regular in his or her eating and sleeping habits OR somewhat haphazard?
Approach/withdrawal: Does he or she "never meet a stranger" OR tend to shy away from new people or things?
Adaptability: Can the child adjust to changes in routines or plans easily or does he or she resist transitions?
Intensity: Does he or she react strongly to situations, either positive or negative, OR does he or she react calmly and quietly?
Mood: Does the child often express a negative outlook OR is he or she generally a positive person? Does his or her mood shift frequently OR is he or she usually even-tempered?s
Persistence and attention span: Does the child give up as soon as a problem arises with a task OR does he or she keep on trying? Can he or she stick with an activity a long time OR does his or her mind tend to wander?
Distractibility: Is the child easily distracted from what he or she is doing OR can he or she shut out external distractions and stay with the current activity?
Sensory threshold: Is he or she bothered by external stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights, or food textures OR does he or she tend to ignore them?

In addition to this, the study pointed out three distinct temperament types:

Easy or flexible children are generally calm, happy, regular in sleeping and eating habits, adaptable, and not easily upset. Because of their easy style, parents need to set aside special times to talk about the child's frustrations and hurts because he or she won't demand or ask for it. This intentional communication will be necessary to strengthen your relationship and find out what your child is thinking and feeling.
Difficult, active, or feisty children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, fearful of new people and situations, easily upset by noise and commotion, high strung, and intense in their reactions. Providing areas for vigorous play to work off stored up energy and frustrations with some freedom of choice allow these children to be successful. Preparing these children for activity changes and using redirection will help these children transition (move or change) from one place to another.
Slow to warm up or cautious children are relatively inactive and fussy, tend to withdraw or to react negatively to new situations, but their reactions gradually become more positive with continuous exposure. Sticking to a routine and your word, along with allowing ample time to establish relationships in new situations, are necessary to allow independence to unfold.

Although human beings are usually highly adaptive to the situations they find themselves, those ways of adapting are more than likely based on their temperament traits and styles. For example, if we just look at how a person is influenced by their brain wave patterns...individuals who are able to spend more time in Delta sleep than others have a tendency to be more compassionate and less anxious than others. Individuals who spend more of their time in Beta or Gamma wave patterns are the Type A individuals or the highly intellectual individuals. Our physical composition has everything to do with our personalities, our temperaments and the way we respond to difficult situations. So, as you consider these things, what DO YOU think would be the answer to the question....can he change?

In my opinion, the answer to that question would be no....a person cannot change...however they can be healed and they can be restored to their original blueprint. That in itself is a worthy goal, but to that end, the person still may not be a good fit for the relationship.

Spiritual Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 20:58:00 +0000

According to the Spiritual Research Network, spiritual abuse is defined as occurring when a leader, church or a belief system, whether well intentioned or not, dominates, manipulates or castigates individuals through fear tactics, mind control, or some other psychological or emotional abuse. Unfortunately, spiritual abuse can take many forms. It can look really, really good as in the form of church members being held to a certain standard of performance in order to advance in ministry or it can be as blatant as what we all know as cult behavior.

In cult behavior, there is usually a very strong leader who has been given a "vision" or has a particular truth that few other people have understanding of. Individuals who follow this person are required to dedicate their lives to whatever the "truth" is and often are manipulated into giving their money, time and even in extreme cases, they live together in communities. Often they are not allowed to leave without experiencing the humiliation of "shunning" and are considered rebels for turning away from the particular belief system. This is the obvious spiritual abuse, the Jim Jones and the David Karesh types.

However, in our society there are less obvious types of spiritual abuse ranging from the type where families are subject to a dictatorial husband assuming the role of "spiritual leader" of the home to churches that exercise excess control over their congregations. This type of abuse is somewhat less obvious because at the bottom of it is a very strong desire to do the Lord's will. The motivation is to be what God wants us to be, but the methods are in opposition to the teachings and heart of the Lord and the fruit of those methods is found wanting. Talking with people who have been raised in strict and abusive Christian homes, they all have similar feelings. They either hate the church, are very bitter towards God or they desire a relationship with God but hold Him at a distance because they are afraid of Him. In some cases these people have been put in their rooms and forced to memorize large sections of the bible as a form of discipline or they have had to go to school in clothing that is so odd or different from what their peers are wearing that they are mocked and ostracized by the other students. Others have experienced parents who take the verse "spare the rod and spoil the child" to mean that they have free license to beat their children into submission to their will. Other less obvious forms can manifest in just the simple misinterpretation of what "honor your parents" means. Many of these children have learned that honoring means never to disagree and that is a mindset that produces large control issues as well as producing adults who are never confident in their own decisions about life. In regard to husbands and wives, a spiritually abusive husband will quote scripture to keep his wife from doing things he doesn't want her to or to demand sexual favors from her. The two portions of scripture most used are "wives submit to your own husbands" and "the wife's body belongs to her husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife". When interpreted simply as behaviors rather than heart attitude, these verses turn into demands that produce bitterness and resentment. However pure behavior is not the character of Christ. If we truly love and trust one another in a marriage relationship, we will free give our submission to another and come together in the sexual relationship as an outgrowth of the abundance of love that exists within the relationship. This, however, requires more of us than simply demanding what we want, but it also is more in line with the character of God and therefore is more true than the idea that husbands/wives have the right to demand certain behaviors from one another.

In churches, ministries and other spiritual organizations what this can look like is baffling. From the outside it may look very good. Lots of people involved, lots of resources, and perhaps even the pursuit of excellence for God. What could possibly be wrong with that? There is nothing wrong with it if the motivation is right. If these organizations are filled with people who are serving the Lord out of free will, who believe that their giving and their service to the organization is where they are supposed to be and it is coming from an abundance in their own personal lives...then that is appropriate motivation. However, many times these organizations are filled with people who are performance based, who have little identity beyond what they do and how well they do it. If the organization has a person like this in authority, then the organization will be motivated by what it does, how good it looks, how well its membership or staff produces and in terms of churches or ministries it people may be motivated by receiving the approval of those in authority. If that is the case, you will see many individuals serving, doing a good job, taking great responsibility in their service but there is an underlying sense of competition that no one talks about. That competition has little to do with the Lord and everything about becoming a leader in the organization or someone the leadership depends on or calls on regularly. These individuals illustrate success in ministry and the example for which everyone else should strive. In these types of environments, service is then tied to being a good Christian, doing the Lord's will and if you don't serve you aren't as good and there must be something in your life that you need to look at.

This doesn't mean that people shouldn't be in ministry or serve in their local churches. Not at all! If there weren't people to do that, churches and ministries wouldn't survive very long. No, it isn't about what we do, it is about why we do it. When church leadership motivates from a sense of approval for good behavior rather than motivating individuals to become closer to the Lord and out of that relationship comes service....you are looking at a form of spiritual abuse. Should we encourage one another, yes! Should that encouragement and approval be the reason we seek to serve the Lord, no.

Things to look for when considering spiritual abuse may be found both internally and externally. Internal red flags can come in the form of losing joy. If what you are doing brings you joy and is fulfilling, that is awesome, but if you find that along the way you have lost your joy and you are doing what you are doing out of a sense of duty or because you believe you will be labeled or viewed negatively if you should stop, pay attention. Again, do we always have to be ecstatic about what we do....not really, but it shouldn't be drudgery and if that lack of motivation extends over a long period of time, we may need to think about changing what we are doing. Another thing to look for would be absolute authority of the leadership or no real accountability of the leadership to the corporate body. Some church governments are set up with a board who has accountability and others are set up where the Pastor has ultimate authority, but in every case there is accountability to the church body and to the Lord. A third sign to watch for is hand-picked sub-leaders based on their demonstration of loyalty to the ultimate leader rather than on the basis of their leadership skills, spiritual acumen, and anointing and appointment by God. Yes, church leadership teams do need to have individuals on them who can work together effectively, but these people should not be chosen on the basis of relationship with the Pastor or someone on the senior staff. It is the business of elders to see God's chosen, who He has anointed and then place them in the appropriate level of service. Usually when God anoints someone for service, they function in whatever area they have been called to long before leadership may be aware of them.

Although the list of spiritual abuses is quite long, the last one I would like to point out is theological incompetency by the leadership, especially with respect to the rules of hermeneutics and Bible exegesis employed in the formulation of doctrine, giving license to twisting and adulteration of Scripture in order to provide proof texts for unorthodox and invented doctrines. This is probably the most serious and may be the reason that scripture points out that teachers are held to a higher standard. When spiritual leaders start teaching scripture in ways that support their own positions, projects or desires...that is wrong. If someone believes that they are in a church or a ministry that is doing that, the first thing to do is pray, do your own homework as to the doctrine or teaching and then confront the leadership with your findings. If there can be no reconciliation regarding the matter, you need to make a decision whether the place you are working or attending is where you need to be. Everyone can disagree about theology, but fundamental errors that do not agree with the context of scripture or the character of God need to be examined.

I have listed several books here that deal with the subject of spiritual abuse, however there is also an article entitled "Signs of Authoritarian Abuse" written by Steve Lambert, ThD that you can find online. He outlines quite a few of the signs of spiritual abuse. I need to say that I don't quite agree with all his conclusions, but for the most part, the article is valid and I believe you, as a discerning reader can judge for yourself. If you find yourself in a spiritually abusive situation, whether it be in a relationship or an organization, you may need to make some hard decisions about what to do about that. The first step is recognizing it and then you can decide what to do.

Kriss Mitchell is a Christian counselor in Post Falls, Idaho and owns Living Well Counseling and Consulting, LLC. For more information, please visit www.livingwellcc.com or supplements4livingwell.com

Signs of Being in an Abusive Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 00:38:00 +0000

In all the articles that I have read on this subject, I think the one written by the Mayo Clinic is one of the best. I don't think that I could say it any better so I will put the entire article here for your reference:

Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help

By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again. But you fear it will. At times you may start to doubt your own judgment, or wonder whether you're going crazy. You may even feel like you've imagined the whole thing. But the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be the victim of domestic violence.

Also called domestic abuse, intimate partner violence or battering, domestic violence occurs between people in intimate relationships. It can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Unfortunately, domestic violence against women is common. It happens to teenage girls and women of all backgrounds. As many as 4 million women suffer abuse from their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends or intimate partners in the United States each year.

Recognizing abuse: Know the signs

It may not be easy to identify abuse, especially at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. For example, abuse may begin with occasional hurtful comments, jealousy or controlling behavior. As it gets worse, the abuse may become more frequent, severe or violent. As the cycle of abuse worsens, your safety or the safety of your children may be in danger.

You may be a victim of abuse if you're in a relationship with someone who:

§ Controls finances, so you have to ask for money

§ Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you

§ Acts jealous or possessive, or accuses you of being unfaithful

§ Tries to control how you spend your time, who you see or talk to, where you go or what

you wear

§ Wants you to get permission to make everyday decisions

§ Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

§ Scares you by driving recklessly

§ Threatens to kill him or herself

You are very likely in an abusive relationship if you have a relationship with someone who does even one of the following:

§ Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, or chokes you or threatens you with violence or a weapon

§ Forces you to have sexual intercourse or engage in sexual acts against your will

§ Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

§ Prevents you from going to work or school

§ Stops you from seeing family members and friends

§ Hurts, or threatens to hurt you, your children or pets

§ Destroys your property

§ Controls your access to medicines

§ Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

§ Says that his or her abusive behavior is no big deal or even denies doing it

§ Tries to force you to drop charges

§ Tries to prevent you from calling the police or seeking medical care

Pregnancy, children and abuse

Pregnancy is a particularly perilous time for an abused woman. Not only is your health at risk, but also the health of your unborn child. Abuse can begin or may increase during pregnancy.

Abusive relationships can also be particularly damaging to children, even if they're just witnesses. But for women in an abusive relationship, chances are much higher that their children also will be direct victims of abuse. Over half of men who abuse their female partners also abuse their children.

You may worry that seeking help may further endanger you or your children, or that it may break up your family. But in the long run, seeking help when you safely can is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

An abusive relationship: It's about power and control

Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:

§ Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.

§ Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself.

§ Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.

§ Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.

§ Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

§ Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.

§ Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.

§ Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.

Breaking the cycle: Difficult, but possible with help

Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's difficult to break. If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

§ Your abuser strikes using words or actions.

§ Your abuser may beg for forgiveness, offer gifts or promise to change.

§ Your abuser becomes tense, angry or depressed.

§ Your abuser repeats the abusive behavior.

Typically each time the abuse occurs, it worsens, and the cycle shortens. As it gets worse, you may have a hard time doing anything about the abuse or even acknowledging it. Over time, an abusive relationship can break you down and unravel your sense of reality and self-esteem. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself. You may start to feel like the abuse is your fault, or you may even feel you deserve it.

This can be paralyzing, and you may feel helpless or as though your only option is to stay in the abusive situation. It's important to recognize that you may not be in a position to resolve the situation on your own.

But you can do something — and the sooner you take action the better. You may need outside help, and that's OK. Without help, the abuse will likely continue. Leaving the abusive relationship may be the only way to break the cycle.

A number of government and private agencies provide resources and support to women who are abused and their children. These resources include 24-hour telephone hot lines, shelters, counseling and legal services. Many of these services are free and can provide immediate assistance.

Create a safety plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. You're the only one who knows the safest time to leave. You may know you are in an abusive relationship and realize you need to leave as soon as you safely can. Or, you may be concerned about your partner's behavior and think you may need to get out at some point in the future. Either way, being prepared can help you leave quickly if you need to. Consider taking these precautions:

§ Arrange a safety signal with a neighbor as an alert to call the police if necessary.

§ Prepare an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes, important papers, money, extra keys and prescription medications.

§ Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

§ Call a local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 to find out about legal options and resources available to you, before you need them.

§ If you have school-age children, notify the school authorities or school counselor about custody arrangements and warn them about possible threats.

Keep your communication private

It isn't uncommon for an abuser to monitor mail, telephone and Internet communication. Take precautions to help maintain your privacy and safety by following these steps.

Telephone conversations

§ Avoid making long-distance phone calls from home. Your abuser could trace the calls to find out where you're going.

§ Be cautious when using a cell phone. Your abuser may be able to intercept conversations using a scanner. Switch to a corded phone if you're relaying sensitive information.

§ Be aware of controlling use of your cell phone. Your abuser may use frequent cell phone conversations or text messages as a way to monitor and control your activities. An abuser may also check your cell phone to see who has called, or attempt to check your messages.

Computer use

If you think your abuser is monitoring your computer use, the safest bet is to access a computer at a friend's house or at the library. If you do use a shared home computer, there are several steps you can take to help maintain your privacy:

§ Use a Web-based program for e-mail. Programs such as Outlook Express, Netscape Mail and Eudora store sent and received e-mails on your computer. A Web-based e-mail service is safer. Most of these services — such Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo mail — offer free e-mail accounts.

§ Store files on the Internet. You can store files online and access them from any computer. A few companies that offer this service are IBackup and HyperOffice. You can also store documents as attachments in e-mail programs.

§ Change your password often. Choose passwords that would be impossible to guess. The safest passwords contain at least six characters, both numbers and letters. Avoid easily guessed numbers and sequences.

§ Clear your Web-browser history. Browsers such as Internet Explorer or Netscape Navigator keep a record of the Web pages and documents you have accessed. They also store graphics of images you look at. You can also use a program such as AbsoluteShield Internet Eraser or Speed Tracks Eraser to clear your Internet records.

§ Clear your document history. Applications such as Word or Excel keep a record of edited documents. Don't store or edit any documents you don't want your abuser to see on a shared computer.

Where to find help

No one deserves to be abused. If you think you may be in an abusive situation, seek help or advice as soon as you safely can. There are many resources available to help you. The first step to getting out of an abusive situation may be as easy as making one phone call. In an emergency situation, call 911, your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. If you aren't in immediate danger, the following resources can help:

§ National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE, or (800) 799-7233. Provides crisis intervention and referrals to in-state or out-of-state resources, such as women's shelters or crisis centers.

§ Your doctor or hospital emergency room. Treats any injuries and refers you to safe housing and other local resources.

§ Local women's shelter or crisis center. Typically provides 24-hour, emergency shelter for you and your children, advice on legal matters, advocacy and support services, and evaluation and monitoring of abusers. Some shelters have staff members who speak multiple languages.

§ Counseling or mental health center. Most communities have agencies that provide individual counseling and support groups to women in abusive relationships. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. This isn't appropriate for resolving problems of violence in intimate relationships.

§ Local court. Your district court can help you obtain a court order, which legally mandates the abuser stay away from you or face arrest. These are typically called orders for protection or restraining orders. Advocates are available in many communities to help you complete the paperwork and guide you through the court process.

§ Books and online resources. Learning more about how to cope with your situation and communicating with others who understand what you're going through can help you make strong choices.

WO00044

May 23, 2007

© 1998-2009 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.com," "EmbodyHealth," "Reliable tools for healthier lives," "Enhance your life," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research.

The Value of The Process

noreply@blogger.com (Gr8mochas) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 23:41:00 +0000

The beginning of a new year has come and gone. Although it seems like this is way too soon, we again face another 12 months ahead of us and what we are going to do with that time. I volunteer my time for another website where individuals can write to me and ask questions about domestic violence, abuse and remarriage. Over the holidays, there were so many people writing for information because they were either in an abusive situation or were seeing a loved one in an abusive situation. The holidays put an incredible amount of stress on families and on people who are dealing with a lot of stress already in their lives. As we all know, stress only makes abuse worse because individuals who don't have a lot of skills to deal with their stress anyway, have financial, familial, job and sometimes personal stressors such as depression and/or anxiety heaped upon them and they are just unable to cope anymore.

So, why do I say this now? Perhaps it is because no one is immune to the effects of stress. High levels of stress over a long period of time wears away at a person's internal resources. Patience gets thin, problem solving abilities become paralyzed and energy levels drop. This is a lethal combination. Looking back over the holidays, one can make an assessment about where they are on the stress meter. Once the stress of the holidays subsides, we tend to look back and go, wow, that was a really rough patch! Then we move on. However there is something to be said about learning from any problematic behaviors that surfaced during those times of stress. In all honesty, there are some who say that if there was no predisposition to behave in whatever inappropriate ways we may have acted out, we wouldn't have behaved that way. High stress situations tend to produce behaviors that we never thought we would do. Historical perspective confirms that.....look at the Donner party. Crossing high mountain passes by wagon, they got caught in winter weather and could not proceed. Supplies eventually ran out and they were starving. People in their party died and they resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. Would they have done that under any other conditions? Most likely not. But under the stress of fear and death, they did things they never imagined they would ever do.

These are the things to consider when we look at abuse and our behavioral responses to high stress situations. Inappropriate responses only become problematic when they start forming patterns. Looking back at the holidays, if you've been around for more than a couple years you can look back on a pattern of behavior during family gatherings, high stress conditions etc. If there is a pattern there, you might want to begin to look at why the pattern exists and what you can do about it. Abuse becomes an issue when it becomes a pattern. Using the Donner party as an example again...would you call them cannibals? No, not at all. None of them reached their destination and began to consume human flesh on a regular basis. Therefore you believe that their behavior was the product of a desperate situation which modified their lives so radically in that specific time that they took radical action to survive.

If there is someone in your life who has a pattern of treating you disrespectfully, dishonorably, aggressively or unsafely...then you have to look at that and make some decisions. Why is this person behaving this way? If it is stress, we can understand that but if the pattern continues then the question has to be asked as to why they aren't doing something to correct their behavior and response patterns. When others behaviors and/or words impact another person negatively over a period of time, something needs to be done. According to scripture there is a process meant to deal with this kind of thing. It is called the Matthew 18 principle.

In Matthew 18, scripture tells us that if we are having a problem with someone we should first go to them and talk to them privately about the situation. This usually happens between spouses or friends by saying, "I don't know if you realize this, but when I get called names and am yelled at, it makes me afraid and I don't want to be here anymore." If that produces no change, then we go with them to a third party. In this day and age that could be a pastor, a counselor or some type of mediator who can give an outside opinion and hold the parties accountable to any agreement that may be reached during this process. If that produces no change, the offender is then brought before an authority figure. Scripture talks about the elders of the church and the church body which still holds true in a church setting, but in a secular setting this might mean calling in the police in the case of domestic violence or enrolling in a group counseling program, going to rehab etc. The last instruction that is given is that if there is no change, if the behavior doesn't come to an end, the person is put out of the church, divorced so to speak. Scripture always holds open reconciliation as an option in this case, which most people tend to do even past the point when they should. However in any restoration that is considered, there has to be mountains of evidence which proves that the person has gotten the help they need, no longer exhibits the inappropriate behavior and can be trusted to be a person of honor and integrity.

Often when I hear of Pastors who have fallen, either personally or professionally, there are people who will go to them with offers to help them put their lives straight, but if they refuse the help or go through the process without the commitment to change and receive the healing they need, reconciliation does not happen. This is where husbands and wives fall down in the process. Reconciliation absolutely cannot happen until the offender is willing, able and committed to the process and follows it through to completion. In churches, there is then a panel of individuals who go over the evidence, consider the attitude of the person throughout the process as well as their behavior and overall character after completing the process. Most of the time what happens is the victim sees the offender in pain, hears an apology as well as a promise to change and that is it.

The reason we can't do that is because it is only through time and the healing process that these individuals will metabolize the healing and character changes that need to take place to become the functioning individuals they need to be. Additionally, most offenders want their victims to be the ones who help them get better and that is so very, very inappropriate. Victims need to heal as much as the offenders need to heal. Matthew 15:14 says that if the blind lead the blind, they will both fall in the ditch....which in laymen's terms means that if the victim had the skill set to help the offender, that person wouldn't be a victim.

If someone in your life has a pattern of treating you badly, these are the steps to take in order to correct the situation. Each step depends on the willingness of the offending individual to participate in the process. At any point where the offender stops participating, the process stops and there is little left to do than remove yourself from the situation. You can't try for them and you can't change them. You can only give them opportunities to try and to change and if they refuse, they need to receive the consequences of those decisions.

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