LIVING WITH BALLS.COM

Seven of the Luckiest Men in America

John — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:45:05 +0000

I recently wrote a guest post over at Regretful Morning titled Seven of the Luckiest Men in America. Here’s a teaser…

Some guys have all the luck. While most men bust their ass to get ahead in life, some men have been fortunate enough to achieve the dreams of many, while doing very little. This can be anything from becoming famous, to earning lots of money, or to sleeping with a woman that is way out of their league.

Now this list doesn’t include people who have truly earned “the good life.” You won’t see guys like Tom Brady or Justin Timberlake because they have talent and have worked hard to achieve fame, fortune and an endless amount of pussy. These are simply men who have no business being in the position they are. These are some of the luckiest men in America. Read the rest of my guest post here

The Best Divorce Letter Ever

John — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:43:38 +0000

I stumbled across this divorce letter the other day on the internet and felt the need to share it with you. It’s a rather unique take on getting over a divorce. This is probably fake but it’s hilarious regardless.

Other Great Links

Manly Slang from the 19th Century Art of Manliness

The Eight Greatest Racks Space has Ever Seen Regretful Morning

Ironman Costume Fails Bloke Budddy

Lost’s Emile De Raven Photos Spewf

Lost Season 6, Episode 7 Recap The Campus Socialite

Local Yump-Olivia Strait Pinkie

Ten Gangsta Fails Cave Man Circus

5 Tips for Hooking up at a Bar The Guy Report

Is Facebook Killing your Mojo? Just a Guy Thing

A Solution to the Unemployment Crisis

Oobtastic — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:39:59 +0000

This is a post from new contributor known only as Oobtastic. He will likely contribute from time-to-time.

We all know the economy is in a shambles. One in ten people that want work can’t find a job. The government passed a $700B stimulus package to create jobs, but where are they?

There is another, more troubling crisis plaguing our country: Actors are squandering any artistic credibility they have by doing shampoo commercials and voice over work for credit card companies.

I have a plan that will solve BOTH important crises. It’s a piece of legislation, called the “Helping Americans Land Jobs in Television” Act, or HALJIT (every good piece of legislation needs an irritating acronym).

How would this bill work? It’s simple – it would prohibit actors, musicians, professional athletes and other celebrities from doing advertising work, while at the same time mandating that unemployed machinists, truckers, carpenters, and road pavers be given those jobs instead.

“Whoa, there, wait a minute,” you might say. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.”

This is a natural reaction. But after reading this simple overview, you will be eager to press your Congressional representatives into supporting this legislation.

***

Q: The government’s job is not to pick winners and losers. What will happen to all the actors after the government robs them of their livelihoods?

A: Seriously? Jennifer Aniston has $110M in the bank. Does she really need to do another Loreal commercial? Shouldn’t she focus her energies on trying to nail down a husband?

***

Q: Those actors deserve the money they make from doing commercials, because they are the most talented and qualified for the job.

A: Really? If the commercial calls for someone to stand around and look like an insufferable douchebag all the time, I suppose you can hire Ashton Kutcher like Nikon did. But if the commercial actually needs to convince someone to buy a product, an ungroomed homeless person will perform as well or perhaps better.

***

Q: What if I’m a Republican and disagree with all new ideas?

A: I don’t like change either. But are you sure you really want to go out of your way to protect a bunch of preachy, tree-hugging, whale-kissing, gay-marrying, fur-hating, liberal sissies in Hollywood? Of course you don’t. What better way to stick it to them than to support this bill?

***

Q: I don’t agree with this bill because it impairs individual freedom.

A: No it doesn’t.

***

Q: What will happen to Morgan Freeman?

A: It’s time for Morgan Freeman to be put in a nursing home. Like everyone else, I thought he was splendid in The Shawshank Redemption. But 15 years later, I’ve grown tired of his sagacious grandpa voice tricking me into using VISA cards, or flying to Vancouver, or whatever the hell he was trying to get me to do this past week (I kept falling asleep).

***

Q: What is your least favorite commercial/actor combo?

A: It has to be Kiefer Sutherland’s “This Is America” voice-overs for Bank of America. Jack Bauer is supposed to be protecting this country from terrorists, not helping them. What’s yours?

***

Q: Will there be any loopholes in this bill?

A: Yes. Tom Skerrit will be allowed to continue doing Advil commercials. The goal of the program is to help people who are down on their luck, worn down by life, and can’t find work elsewhere. Tom Skerrit meets all of these requirements.

No related posts.

Celebrity Tweet of the Week: March 7, 2010

John — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 06:04:01 +0000

It’s time for another edition of Celebrity Tweet of the Week!. In this edition, we have two repeat performers from last week. These two have really helped step this feature up to a new level. Click on continue reading to find out who made the cut this week.

THIRD PLACE: “Weird” Al Yankovic
This is kinda funny if you have any kids or nieces and nephews

alyankovic: This Monday I’ll be on the season premiere of “Yo Gabba Gabba” (which, of course, is Spanish for “I Gabba Gabba”)

SECOND PLACE: Barret Swatek
Barret Swatek returns for a second straight week after she recounts an interesting story when returning home to her NYC apartment.

Barret_Swatek: Watching a dude jerk off to his computer 1 building over from me (grody!!). Good to be back in NYC!

10 minutes later…

It’s still going on!!!! WTF?! I want to give him a big, crazy smile and a thumbs up. If he would ever look up!!!!

2 minutes later…

He’s done. He’s yawning. Poor thing’s tired. Awwwww… His cat just walked in….

FIRST PLACE: Conan O’Brien
I have a feeling Conan O’Brien is just going to dominate Celebrity Tweet of the Week this year. He had three tweets that all could have won. Rather than pick just one, I will share all of them with you here.

First he combines his boredom and the usually mocking of his skin tone with this tweet…

ConanOBrien :Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

Later in the week he tweeted this gem…

ConanOBrien: This morning I applied for a job at Home Depot, but they couldn’t find an apron big enough to fit over my head. Tomorrow: Staples.

Then Conan get creative and decided he wants to follow just one person on twitter at random…

ConanOBrien: I’ve decided to follow someone at random. She likes peanut butter and gummy dinosaurs. Sarah Killen, your life is about to change.

Out of curiosity I decided to check on the twitter page of Sarah Killen. She now has over 14,000 followers! Damn I wish Conan would have picked the Living with Balls twitter page. That probably would have helped my page views.

2010 Standings
Conan O’Brien: 13 points
Chris Johnson: 5 points
Mike Bacsik: 5 points
Barret Swatek: 4 points
Neil Patrick Harris: 3 points
John Mayer: 3 points
Steve Agee: 3 points
Ken Tremendous:1 point
Weird Al Yankovic: 1 point

Sophie Dee: 1 point

Your Guide to Betting on the Oscars

John — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:12:39 +0000

The Oscars are just around the corner, and although some people in New York might not be able to watch it (Thanks Cablevision), you’ll still be able to wager on just about everything. So if you’re lost without football and need your gambling fix on Sunday, check out this guide from the Campus Socialite.

Other great links

Audrina Patridge FHM Photo Shoot COED Magazine

10 Awesome Game Show Answer Fails Holy Taco

Leadership: The Importance of Knowing how to Delegate Art of Manliness

Fat People That Look Like Animals Muff Slap

Meat Master Class Bloke Buddy

What it means to be a Wingman Just a Guy Thing

Tits or Ass? The Great Debate

John — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:58:16 +0000

Tits and Ass. Two of men’s favorite things. They belong together like peanut butter and jelly. Some men are lucky enough to be with a woman who can turn heads in any direction. However, what if you could only have one? Would you rather be with a girl with a perfect rack and a flat, dumpy, cottage cheese ass, OR would you rather have a girl with a beautiful, round ass and the chest of 12-year old? Frank Wheeler and I debate the issue in the Great Debate.

JOHN’S ARGUMENT FOR TITS
I love a great ass, don’t get me wrong—but your options in the bedroom are limited with a nice ass. There are so many things you can to do a nice pair of tits. You can squeeze them, suck them, slap them, lick them, bite them, you can motor-boat them, you can even fuck them! Then when you’re done you can lay your head down and rest on them. All you can do with an ass is slap it. There are a couple other things you can do with an ass, I suppose, but I’m not into that.

Tits are a blessing from God. A nice pair of REAL tits are a gift that can’t be earned. A woman with a flat ass can still improve it if she heads to the gym regularly and does lots of squats. Just take a look at any Olympic athlete. Cleary working out has given them a fine backside. When it comes to breasts however, woman can’t increase their size without surgery.

I’d love to have a nice ass to go along with a great pair of boobies but there’s NO WAY I’d trade it for a flat chest. I need at least a handful. There’s something so visually appealing about seeing a big, round pair of titties flop around during sex. You just can’t get that with small breasts. When you consider that, more often than not, you’ll be having sex in the missionary or cowgirl position (most girls can orgasm easier on top), it only makes sense to have a girl who has a nice rack.

Just look at the funbags on Carmella Bing. They’re real and they’re SPECTACULAR. I’d glady take a flat ass to have these beautiful breasts in my face every night. How can there be a debate?

FRANK WHEELER’S ARGUMENT FOR ASS
It’s completely unexplainable. I am so uncontrollably drawn to a rotund, fat ass and it cannot be rationalized. But the fact remains: I care so much more about a nice butt than I do about big breasts. I’ll do my best to try and justify this below:

The Shape of a Long Back: Something about a girl who looks more like the letter V than an hourglass turns me off. Picture those girls who wear bikini’s and the bottom piece is literally hanging down her hips because she has nothing to keep them up. Now look at the picture to my left. Large hips and a round ass spark a carnal rage in me that rivals Seth Rogan’s in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I don’t care how large she is up top – if she isn’t filling out the bottom portion of that bikini, I’m looking in another direction.

It’s Scientific, Baby! This point is not as obvious and may be harder to prove, but bear with me. We as human beings have one purpose in life: to procreate. That is why men literally think about sex during 80% of their daily mental exercise (estimated). 80% of my entire day is spent thinking about sex! That means when my fellow female employees are talking to me, I only hear 20% of what they’re saying. Since large hips, and consequently a big butt, are so vital to a woman’s fertility and ability to bear children we are subconsciously drawn to women with fat asses. I like breasts but the ass does something else to me: it enhances my drive to procreate. Suck on that!

You Ever See a Spanish Chick Dance?: I like breasts. I do. But they’re for teenage boys who stay up late searching cable TV for nudity (Gia, you were my favorite late HBO movie!). But did you ever see a Hispanic woman dance? C’mon boys, you know what I’m talking about. Those hips move in ways you didn’t think were possible. My jaw drops when I watch this. Look at Shakira in that cage! And I know some people hate on Beyonce for the Single Ladies video, but she moves that ass better than some girls move it their entire lives. And notice one thing: they both do not have large chests. And it DOES NOT matter. Beyonce brings me to tears when I watch her in that video. Nas beat you Jay-Z, but you got the last laugh since you have the hottest chick in the game wearing your chain.

Lastly John – a nice ass can’t be gained at the gym. Rather, it can be maintained and groomed whereas tits become all saggy and wrinkled as women get older. My woman will work out the rest of her life, and her ass will always be banging.

So what do you think? Where do your loyalties lie? Tits or Ass? Talk about it!

The Great Debate is a feature where we discuss two opposing viewpoints on a topic men are interested in. Think of it as an Op-Ed piece, only we don’t talk about anything serious.

Comment of the Month February 2010

John — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 19:19:04 +0000

Here at LWB, I like to encourage comments. Each month I award one lucky person with the Comment of the Month Award. This month’s winner is Dr. Faust for his comment on Making the Winter Olympics Interesting.

I created a fantasy Olympic team and went head-to-head against Kosmo from the Casual Observer. Here’s what Dr. Faust had to say…

What makes this even funnier is that Wang Meng is actually a woman. He also gets an extra bonus for the title of his latest blog post, which is definitely worth checking out.

So congrats to Dr. Faust and make sure you check out his hilarious blog www.thelamest.com

The Best of February 2010

John — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:01:16 +0000

February is a short month but there was still plenty of good stuff at LWB. Here are the most popular posts from the month of February 2010.

The Living With Balls Super Bowl XLIV Drinking Game

Valentine’s Day: It’s Dumber than Groundhog Day

Let the Mockery of 24 Begin!

Diamonds in the Rough: The Best of Urban Dictionary

Making the Winter Olympics Interesting

Google Sends Perverted Readers to LWB

Curb Your Enthusiasm Analysis: The Bare Midriff

Conan O’Brien Saves Tweet of the Week

John — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:58:40 +0000

For the dozens of you that follow my blog, you know I do a feature called Celebrity Tweet of the Week—a year-long contest that tracks the funniest celebrity tweets. You may also have noticed I’ve been slacking with this feature lately.

I’ve grown tired of tracking through my twitter timeline, sorting through tweet’s about Kim Kardashian’s workout schedule and Bill Simmons, bitching about the Celtics. I have contemplated giving up on it.

However, today I was inspired to rejuvenate the dying feature. Today, Conan O’Brien has set up a Twitter account! If his first tweet is a sign of things to come, he looks to be the 2010 favorite.

So for the first time in a while, I give you Celebrity Tweet of the Week…

THIRD PLACE: Barret Swatek
Hottie Barret Swatek posted this tweet after a trip to Whole Foods…
@Barret_Swatek: Huh. Whole Foods carries Ed Hardy Wine. Wonder if it tastes like douchebag?

SECOND PLACE: Neil Patrick Harris
@ActuallyNPH :I friggin’ love the Olympics. I never thought I could care so much for people or sports that I just learned about six minutes beforehand.

FIRST PLACE: Conan O’Brien
Of course its Conan, in his first ever tweet.

@ConanOBrien Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

Conan also gets an extra three-point bonus for his bio which states: “I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a twitter account.”

If you’re not familiar with the rules of Celebrity Tweet of the Week, click here.

2010 Standings
Conan O’Brien: 8 points
Chris Johnson: 5 points
Mike Bacsik: 5 points
Neil Patrick Harris: 3 points
John Mayer: 3 points
Steve Agee: 3 points
Ken Tremendous:1 point
Barret Swatek: 1 point
Sophie Dee: 1 point