The commercial starts out with an all too familiar situation: two teenage girls trying to figure what to do with their scrap metal.  What an age-old conundrum!  Man if I had a dime for every time two teenage girls struggled to figure out a way to use excess scrap metal, I’d have well… a dime!—Because this is the only time in the history of the universe, that two young girls ever had this conversation. 

I’m willing to bet the guy in the commercial is one of the brothers that make up 2 Brother’s Scrap Metal and the two girls are his daughters.  My guess is this is probably how the idea came about…

Dad: Hey girls. I’m thinking of making a commercial for the family business which will be played on local television repeatedly for two years straight to the annoyance of New Yorkers everywhere

Girls: Cool Daddy! Can we be in it!

Dad: Sure! Anything for my girls! Let me just come up with an idea.

(Weeks go by as Dad ponders script)

Dad: I’ve got it! Vicky, you complain to Jan about all the scrap metal you have lying around, Jan will ask me for advice and BOOM, I hit you with some knowledge in a thick New York accent, while I’m watching television! BRILLIANT! This is Oscar worthy! Let’s film it right now in our kitchen!

Girls: Yay!

Got a local commercial you think is worthy? Contact me here:

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With my wedding and subsequent honeymoon in July, there have been fewer posts to choose from than usual. There were only 11 posts combined between July and August. However, there were still a few notable ones. Here they are….

The Cheat List

10 Things I Learned About Weddings from My Wedding

Strippers: The True Victims of a Bad Economy

Negative Commenters Be Warned: You Can’t Win

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What is funny are the number of brilliant tweets, making fun of Rob Dibble for criticizing Stephen Strasburg’s toughness.

For those of you who don’t know, Rob Dibble—a former pitcher for the Reds in the 90’s—recently criticized Strasburg after he exited his last start with pain in his forearm. Here’s what he said:

“Okay, you throw a pitch, it bothers your arm, and you immediately call out the manager and the trainer? Suck it up, kid. This is your profession. You chose to be a baseball player. You can’t have the cavalry come in and save your butt every time you feel a little stiff shoulder, sore elbow…. Stop crying, go out there and pitch. Period. You need to know the difference between pain and injury. When I was 12, my arm hurt. When I was in my teens and I would throw and walk off the mound when I was a starter, my arm would throb. I couldn’t even hold a glass of water. And you know what? I loved it. I was so sick, I loved it, ’cause I felt okay, I’m throwing hard enough to make my arm shake when I’m just standing there.’ So I was a totally different animal than I think has been created here with Strasburg, where now you’re telling this kid as soon as you feel any arm pain, call us and we’ll come help you. Please.”

Now Dibble is forced to take his foot and plant it firmly in his mouth.  It’s times like this that I truly love Twitter.  So many great tweets have come out this morning.  Here are some of the best I’ve found.

As expected, most of them are from the Sports Pickle

sportspickle I guess DC sports fans can stop pretending they like baseball once every five days now.

sportspickle Strasburg needs Tommy John surgery. Rob Dibble: “More like PUSSY John surgery, am I right?!”

sportspickle I bet Tommy John wishes Tommy John Surgery was the name of penis reduction surgery.

sportspickle Later today: John Wall crashes his car into Bryce Harper, who falls into Donovan McNabb. (And Ovechkin? He just loses at something.)

gourmetspud “Something wrong with your *left* arm? Get back out there, pussy!” – Dibble

jfdulac :Top trending topic in DC at this very moment: “Rob Dibble.” (Several slots down: “Tommy,” “Strasburg,” “Surgery.”)

@ChrisKanard: Someone put Bryce Harper in some bubble wrap…

Lizzs_Lockeroom: There is no crying in baseball.. except in DC right about now

PaulMasella :Albert Haynesworth debacle, Stephen Strasburg ligament and Glenn Beck rally. Nice going Washington. Your move Cleveland

Of course, I have to give myself a plug…

livingwithballs Stephen Strasburg just screwed up everyone’s keeper league

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“When someone comes by & tells you your blog sucks, you suck, your dog sucks & man, has anyone ever told you you suck?, don’t take the bait! Most of the time, these are just bitter people looking for a fight. It’s just like with bullies in school — all they want is a reaction. So don’t give it to them. There is nothing more infuriating than going out of your way to annoy someone & getting no response. They will fume like mad, & might have another go, but then they will go away. The game gets old. & you can do a little celebratory dance in your living room.”—Darren Rowse-ProBlogger

This is good advice and I should probably follow it. But I’m not going to.  Instead, I’m going to take a much different approach.  My approach is to do my best to EMBARRASS YOU.   

Yes. That’s right. You leave a negative comment on my blog and I’m going to let you have it. Forget about being the better fucking person.  Fuck turning the other cheek. This blog is called Living with BALLS.  You gotta have a big sack around here.

I run a humor blog.  The majority of what I write is not intended to be taken seriously.  I steer away from controversial subjects like politics and religion because I don’t want to deal with this crap.  The majority of my content involves me complaining about my wife or writing about boobs. So because of this, I will not hold back if I see a negative comment.

There’s no reason to make a personal attack at me. You don’t know me and you have no right to judge my character.  I know not everyone is going to like what I write and I’m fine with that.  If you don’t like it, don’t come back.  But don’t waste our time with a negative comment that adds nothing to the conversation.  

In fact, let me tell you a little about myself so you can save yourself the time of attacking my character. 

I’m not a fat. I’m not ugly and I’m not a loser who can’t get laid. I don’t live in my mom’s basement and blog all day.  That pretty much covers the majority of insults I get.

I suppose I’m decent looking. My wife claims to find me attractive and provides me with semi-regular sex. I have a master’s degree and I am fairly successful in life.  I write a couple posts a week on this blog with the little free time I actually have.

If you still decide to leave a negative comment, I will respond with something way more clever and creative and put you in your place, like I did to this faggot here. 

If I’m not feeling up to a conflict, I may just get one of my boys to rip you a new asshole, as Uncle Billy did so eloquently here…or perhaps I’ll get an assist from a loyal commenter as was the case here.   

And if you really piss me off, I’ll just reveal your email address to everyone and encourage my readers to write you nasty emails or sign you up for annoying mailing lists. 

Now if by some small chance, you get the better of me, then I’ll simply just delete your comment. YOU CAN’T WIN Negative Commenter Guy.  So I advise you stay away.

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As I wedged the dollar bill in between her underwear and her ass, something suddenly occured to me: STRIPPERS ARE UNDERPAID.

How did I come to this realization? Allow me to explain:

Since the beginning of strip clubs, strippers have been paid in dollar bills. The years have come and gone and little has changed. Inflation has gradually weakened the dollar and increased the cost of living, yet strippers continue to be paid in dollar bills.

As a reference point, I’m going to use 1970 as an example to prove my point. 40 years ago, young women would dance around naked in strip clubs, hoping to receive enough dollar bills to support their drug habit or pay their way through medical school.

Today, in 2010, these women are still dancing around naked for the same dollar bill. It just doesn’t seem right. That purse filled with dollar bills just doesn’t go as far as it used to. How are these women going to make enough money to feed their illegitimate children?

I did some quick research to find out the buying power of a dollar back in 1970. According to dollartimes.com, in 1970, a dollar bill had the same buying power as $0.18 does today. Therefore, the strippers of today have to work about five times harder to earn the same living. (Pacman Jones must be happy he lives in this era. It would have cost him a lot more to “make it rain” back then. Who knows how many strippers he would have beat up then?)

On the other hand, one could say we are the beneficiary of this inflation. Surely, strip club owners realized that dollar bills were no longer going to cut it and this has allowed for better forms of naked entertainment to be ushered in, such as the lap dance, lesbian shows or whatever other crazy shit might go on that I don’t know about. Inflation has certainly helped strip clubs evolve for the better.

And for those of us who don’t want to break the bank when going to a strip club, we can still be old-fashioned by turning down lap dances and just sitting by the stage, while taking in the view for a dollar at a time.

But I think we all need to make sacrifices in these tough economic times. Think about that stripper who is a single mom and strips a couple nights a week to feed her child, or the dancer who never got into Juilliard and is stripping until she gets her “big break.” What about them? How are they supposed to get by when we only put a single dollar bill in their panties?

So I ask you this: Next time you go to your local stripping establishment, don’t break that $20 bill with singles; break it up with five dollar bills instead. The strippers will appreciate your generosity.

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Sadly, throughout the years, there are few things that I anticipate more than my fantasy football draft.  Every year I prepare more for my draft than I probably did for my GMAT, SAT and every final I ever took in college.  I leave no stone unturned.  I read up on ESPN.com during my lunch break and comb through fantasy football magazines when I sit on the toilet.  My hard work has paid off as I have become the most decorated manager in my league, winning three times in seven years…and yes, my Mother is very proud.

Now today, I give you my keys to my success….

Consistency is Everything

When targeting players for my draft, I am always looking for consistent scorers.  There are some players out there who will put up huge numbers one week and then have one catch for three yards the following week (yes, I’m talking about you Santana Moss).  This can drive a fantasy owner mad.  Sure it’s nice when a guy puts up a huge week like that, but it really doesn’t matter if I win by 30 points or win by one point.  I’ll take a guy who puts up fewer points but is fairly consistent from week-to-week. 

Philip Rivers is one of my favorite fantasy players because he is basically a lock for 250+ yards passing and two TD’s every week.  I had him last year and I rode his arrogant ass to the title.  A quick look at his stats from 2009 will show that he threw for under 200 yards only once all season, had nine multiple touchdown games and never threw more than two picks in a single game.  He is the model of consistency.

How do you tell who will be the most consistent players?  The key is to look at the yardage totals and ignore the touchdowns.  Touchdowns are almost impossible to predict from year-to-year, so don’t even bother looking at that.  If a player constantly puts up good yardage numbers, don’t worry if his TD total was low the previous season.  If the player racks up enough yards, then he’ll likely get his share of scores. 

Don’t Stress About Taking a RB Early. It’s All About the WR’s

The old adage in fantasy football is to be sure to draft running backs early.  This has changed over the years due to the increase in the number of teams using runningbacks-by-committee.  I prefer to take WR’s early.  Now don’t get me wrong, if I draw an early pick I will gladly take my pick of Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and Maurice Jones-Drew.  But after that, I’m probably looking for a receiver.   There are a number of reasons for this:

Reason #1 There’s Always a Guy Who Comes out of Nowhere to Have a Big Year

Every year there is a RB that no one had on their radar who has a ridiculous season.  Last year it was Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenall.  I managed to grab BOTH of those guys late and they carried my team to the promise land. The key to landing one of these breakout players is to draft LOTS of running backs.  I typically draft two established guys and then look for 2 or 3 “high upside” guys in hopes that at least one of them fulfills that potential.  If I can get one of these guys to pan out, I can use my early picks on an elite WR instead. 

Reason #2 Elite WR’s are at a Premium

There are very few elite WR’s out there.  In my opinion, there are only four elite receivers in 2010 (Andre Johnson, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Brandon Marshall).  There are eight other very good receivers that are just a notch below these four stud receivers, whom I’d be happy to have as well (Reggie Wayne, Calvin Johnson, Roddy White, Miles Austin, DeSean Jackson, Marques Colston, Greg Jennings, and Anquan Boldin). After that, there is a big drop off.  I typically like to have two of these guys on my squad and I’ll have to use early picks to make sure that happens.

Also, unlike the RB position, it’s rare to see a younger guy have a breakout season. Typically its takes three years before a wide receiver has his first big year. Because of this, it’s much harder to find that diamond-in-the-rough at the wide receiver position.  

When you consider that many leagues have three WR slots and sometimes four (if you have a flex position) to fill, it’s vital to get good WR’s. 

Don’t Draft Anyone on the Colts

Huh? Don’t draft anyone on the Colts? Are you kidding me? 

YES. I’m serious.  Sure, Peyton Manning is a machine and he turns guys like Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie into fantasy studs.  If you draft a bunch of players on the Colts, you’ll likely dominate the regular season.  You’ll sing Peyton’s praises every time you see his goofy face on a commercial, you’ll establish a man-crush for Dallas Clark and you’ll talk shit to all the other managers, while boasting in your glory. 

Then week 16 will come around, the Colts will have wrapped up a first-round bye for three weeks now, and all their starters will be resting up for the playoffs, and you’ll be stuck starting Jason Campbell in the championship game.  Good luck with that!

FLEXIBILITY, FLEXIBILITY, FLEXIBILITY!!

This is my most important rule in fantasy football. Match-ups are everything. The key to winning in fantasy football is to exploit weak match-ups and bench the guys going up against tough defenses.  You can give yourself the best match-ups each week by giving yourself a lot of options. 

With the exception of my likely fourth round pick of Philip Rivers, I will probably draft either a RB or WR in each of the first ten rounds.   By stocking up on WR’s and RB’s, I give myself the best chance to have favorable match-ups at the two most important positions from week-to-week.

Those are my keys to fantasy football greatness. Hopefully no one in my league reads this.

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Saturday, August 7, 2010, 6:58 pm EST, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Owen: This weekend is gonna be awesome Joey! A weekend in Philly, tickets to see Mets/ Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. Hopefully, we’ll see a Mets W and then we’ll drink our face off and maybe even bang a broad on Broad Street. I’m fuckin’ pumped!

Joey: Fat chance of that happenin’ brah. I can’t believe you convinced me to book this trip back in April. What da fuck was I thinkin’ brah? A Mets/ Phillies series in August? I should have known by now the Mets would be well on their way to another dissapointin’ season and deez fuckin’ Phillies would be heatin’ up just in time to shit all ovah the Mets once again…oh and you ain’t gettin’ laid either.

Owen: Whatever man. Mets aren’t done yet. And if they lose—at least we had an excuse to get away for the weekend and have a good time.

Joey: Fuck dat shit. This ain’t a weekend getaway! I feel dirty just being in this shithole of a city. Ya got any hand sanitizer?

Owen: I don’t. Sorry. Let’s just get to our seats. The games about to start.

(1 ½ hours later. Bottom of the sixth. Game tied 0-0)

Owen: Oh man. Johan Santana is looking awesome! A no-hitter and he’s almost through six innings! We could end up witnessing history man! Could this be the first ever no-hitter in Mets history?

Joey: Whaddya fuckin’ nuts? Not only will Santana NOT throw a no-hitter, but I guarantee that he will leave the game widda lead and then that dumb fuckin’ spic K-Rod will blow the game once again.

Owen: We gotta get a lead first. We still don’t have a run!

Joey: Good point. I guess that would be too much to ask for a run. God, I hate ‘dis fuckin’ team.

(Placido Polanco singles, breaking up the no-hitter)

Joey: FUCK!

Drunk Phillies Fan Sitting Next to Them: Yeaaaaah baby. Mets fuckin suck! They still don’t have a no-hitter! HAHAHA! METS SUCK! METS SUCK! METS SUCK!

Joey: Fuck you, ya piece-a-shit. Go fuckin’ choke on a fuckin’ cheesesteak! I will beat da shit outta you and then go bang ya whore of a motha! Why don’t you go vomit on another little girl or give beer to your two-year old!

Owen: Dude! Take it easy. You’re gonna get us thrown out of here!

Joey: I don’t give a shit man. Fuck deez Phillies fans brah! They are all white trash. They got no fuckin’ class.

(Next inning. Jeff Francoeur leading off for the Mets…)

Joey: Great. Francoeur is up. When was da last time did piece of shit got a hit! We gotta get rida this guy!

(Francoeur smacks a home run. Mets take a 1-0 lead)

Joey: YES!! FRENCHY! YOU’RE THE MAN! (screams obnoxiously to Phillies fans around him for five minutes straight) LET’S GO METS! LET’S GO METS! LET’S GO METS!

10 Phillies fans throw garbage at him. Joey finally sits back down.

Owen: God you are so embarrassing. I can’t bring you anywhere.

Joey: Ahhh. I’m just having some fun. We’re in Philly! They don’t even care. These douchebags are too concerned with Eagles training camp to even know what’s going on in this game. Philly isn’t a baseball town. It’s nuttin’ buta bunch of fugazzi’s here.

Owen: Good point. So what do you think? Can we hold on to this lead?

Joey: I don’t know brah. I just hope they keep Santana in the game. I don’t trust K-Rod.

30 minutes later: Bottom of the Eighth. Mets still lead 1-0.

Joey: Fuck man. 1st and 2nd— Nobody out for the Phillies. We’re gonna fuckin’ lose man. I know it.

Owen: You’re boy K-Rod is warming up in the bullpen.

Joey: Great. Please don’t put in him in Manuel. This game is ovah if K-Rod comes in.

Jerry Manuel motions for Francisco Rodriguez.

Joey: FUCK! I’m outta here man. I can’t watch dis shit.

Owen: You’re leaving now!? It’s the biggest part of the game!

Joey: I can’t watch dis shit. Not here. Not behind enemy lines. I can’t sit here when K-Rod blows this game and 40,000 asshole Phillies fans are celebratin’ around me. I’m outta here.

Owen: Where you gonna go?

Joey: I don’t care. Anywhere but here.

After the game

Phone rings. Joey answers

Joey: So how bad was it Owen?

Owen: Dude, where are you? (with Phillies fans sceaming in the background: E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!)

Joey: I’m by the art museum, pissing on the Rocky statue.

Owen: hahaha! You crazy bastard! You missed it!

Joey: Missed what?

Owen: K-Rod got out of the jam in the eighth, then retired the side in the ninth. Mets won the game 1-0!

Joey: YES! I can’t believe it! WE WON! FUCK PHILADELPHIA!

Owen: Come back here over to the stadium. I’m gonna go to McFadden’s, drink some more and talk shit to Phillies fans all night, and hopefully no one will murder me.

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Enjoy this picture….






If you’re wondering who this is, it’s Nicole “Coco” Austin. She’s married to the rapper Ice-T.  You can’t really tell from this picture but her ass is just as big as her breasts.

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1. When it comes to gifts, some are extremely generous, some are unbelievably cheap and some are just plain weird.

2. Don’t waste all your money (or in my case, her father’s money) on an extravagant cocktail hour. You’ll likely be taking pictures the entire time and chances are you won’t even make it there. Don’t spend the $8 per person charge for the chocolate fountain because you probably won’t get a taste.

3. Don’t be surprised if you don’t have sex on your wedding night. When I finally returned to my room, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. It was 3 a.m. and I barely got any sleep the night before because I was a nervous wreck. I had been running around since the beginning of the day and I spent the past few hours dancing and drinking too much alcohol. I could barely move I was so tired.

Plus, let’s be honest—it’s 2010. Very few of us wait until our wedding night to consummate the relationship. So it’s really not a big deal if you don’t have sex.

4. Definitely take a day or two to recover before going on your honeymoon. You’re going to need that time to relax after the craziness of the past few days. TRUST ME. You’re not going to want to hop on a plane the day after your wedding. This is the one thing, I’m happy to say, we did right.

5. Definitely take at least two weeks off for your honeymoon, perhaps even longer if you can pull it off. At no other time in your life can you get away with taking that much time off from work without getting shit from your boss or getting fired. So take advantage of it! You’ll never get that much time off again!

6. On your honeymoon, be sure to tell every person you run into that you are honeymooners. Tell every waiter, every driver and every hotel staff member you interact with. You’ll be amazed at how much free stuff you’ll receive. You’ll get free desserts, complimentary champagne and perhaps even an upgrade or two. From now on, I’m going to start telling people that it’s my honeymoon, no matter where I am. I don’t care if I’m at Chilli’s in New Jersey, I’m telling the waitress we’re on our honeymoon. Maybe I’ll get a free blooming onion out of it.

ADVICE FOR THE GUESTS
1. Don’t waste your time picking out a meaningful card. The bride and groom won’t even look at it. They’ll just go straight for the cash. If anything, get a blank card and write a nice personal message telling the happy couple how awesome they are.

2. Don’t get offended if the bride and groom don’t get a chance to talk to you at the reception. As a guest, I used to get annoyed by this. But after going through it, I now realize how difficult it is to talk to every one of the guests. The bride and groom are being pulled in ten different directions the entire night by the DJ, the photographer and 30 cousins who want to congratulate them and ask where they are going for their honeymoon. So just be a little understanding.

3. Don’t buy the couple something that isn’t on their registry. There’s a reasons it’s not on there. They either have it already or they don’t want it. If you do buy a gift that isn’t on their registry, definitely include a gift receipt because chances are they’ll be returning it.

4. It’s ok to consider the groom for once when buying a wedding gift. Why is it that all wedding gifts are tailored towards women? It’s hard for me to get excited about a bread maker or a cheese platter. How about a video game, a tool set, or a subscription to Brazzers?

Bonus Advice
If you find yourself in Maui for your honeymoon, don’t do the Road to Hana unless you are a nature freak. Sure there was plenty of beautiful scenery on the drive, but I couldn’t even look at it because I was so focused on not driving off a cliff. There is plenty of beauty in Hawaii. You don’t need to drive three hours in each direction through a treacherous one lane highway to see a couple waterfalls.

To read the rest of the wedding series posts click here

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