https://studywithfriends.org/what-would-it-look-like-to-live-with-radical-grace/

I thought I needed to be skinnier.

I thought I needed to be understood.

I thought I needed a job that the world thought was important.

I thought I could control my legacy and people’s opinions of me, by people pleasing and by never being an obligation.

Now I know that even those who consider themselves outgoing, feel insecure and “too much” sometimes.

Now I know that being skinny doesn’t mean being healthy and strong.

Now I know that it’s ok to be misunderstood.

Now I know that the most important jobs are often not glamorous or recognized.

Now I know that I really can’t control what other people think of me and no matter what, I won’t be everyone’s “cup of tea”.

Now I know that if I’m seeking God and trying to obey Him and what He call me to, nothing else really matters.

If you’ve ever felt pressure around creating the perfect birthday party for your kids, this one’s for you!

I had such a great conversation with these wonderful women. I hope you can take something from it as well.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/god-attachment-healing/id1466261636?i=1000760238090

Many of you know I have been working on writing a book. I had no idea what that would entail when I started this journey. I’ve spent years combining ideas from my blogs with the narrative of my life to make a cohesive story. I’ve spent months building a “platform” and stretching myself in many uncomfortable but necessary ways.

Just two weeks ago I started sending out query letters to agents. One day after sending them out, I received an offer for representation. For those of you who don’t know what a literary agent does or is, I can relate. Again, I had no idea before this journey began. Basically, if you want to try your hand at traditional publishing, most mid-size to larger publishing houses require you to have an agent who then will submit your book to various editors/publishers. It’s a large gate that you must enter to be on the road to having your book published.

While I am so excited to be working with my agent, I know the road ahead is still long. I would love anyone’s prayers for just the right publisher to take on my work. Thanks everyone! I’ll keep you all updated on any more exciting news!

I don’t care if everything is lined up on my desk neatly or that there is no lint on my carpet.

OCD isn’t loving everything to be “just so”.

Too many people joke flippantly, “you know me, I’m just OCD”. No you aren’t.

Having OCD sucks hours of productivity away from your day because you can’t stop researching meningitis cause your neck feels sore.

Having OCD sucks joy out of your life cause you are obsessively worrying about whether or not you could do another person serious harm when you could just be relaxing on vacation with your family.

There are many OCD triggers and common obsessions and I think I’ve had most of them. None of mine have to do with obsessively washing my hands though.

Instead, I can hide my OCD pretty well. I mostly ruminate and do compulsions inside my head like reassuring myself, or praying or saying a certain phrase over and over.

Not knowing I had OCD until I was an adult, looking back I see it. How I kept walking up the stairs to my house over and over because it just didn’t feel right until I did it a certain way. Being horrified that I had committed the unforgivable sin of blasphemy. Needing to feel absolutely certain about everything. Worrying that I was going to ax my parents in the middle of the night. Obsessing over whether I closed the garage door or turned off the stove.

This is OCD and this is what no one talks about because if you don’t understand this disorder, you’d think we are crazy. But living with OCD is a burden and sometimes I feel trapped in my own head. I think I could probably be a great investigator because I can research like no one’s business. Sometimes that’s a beneficial thing, but a lot of times it’s also a waste of time and one of my compulsions that feels helpful but mostly isn’t.

So I guess I want to say, if you actually struggle with OCD, I see you. I know how hard it is to carry it around your whole life. You aren’t alone.

My parents once again came across some of Pat’s writing. I’ll leave you with this short poem he penned.

In all the days of pain and sorrow

A broken heart is soon to follow

Through eyes of love I cannot see

A tortured soul forever to be

A beautiful mind was found and lost

In mortal man, life is cost

So close behind darkness falls

In silent whispers someone calls

Depths of hell come to swallow

Weary souls that do not follow