lljn.org

His and her birthday messages. Jerks.

Thu, 20 Mar 2014 14:31:23 -0400

His and her birthday messages. Jerks.

Another voicemail from the roommates.

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 12:40:00 -0500

Another voicemail from the roommates.

Pretty great. Jesse interviews Dolly Parton about the...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 11:30:03 -0500

Pretty great.

Jesse interviews Dolly Parton about the sacrifices she made for her astounding career and how she feels about them now. Plus, Judd Apatow talks about his new comedy This Is 40. It explores the struggle many married couples face as they juggle all life throws their way, while still nurturing a strong relationship.Then, Jason Reece from the rock band …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead reveals the Fugazi song that changed everything for him.

Cowboy Nick

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:56:21 -0400

At what point does museum grade glass for the TV become a reasonable investment?

We’re coming up on the most American time of the year. It’s depressing and fills people with false, hateful pride. It’s the American football season and fucking christ I love it.

I love it because I’ve not occupied the space in my heart with deep, personal human connections. And sport is fucking great. It’s particularly exciting for me because this is the second year I get to watch sport contort my roommate’s innards into dickish balloon animals before his humanity, and the breakables in the living room, just fucking shatter.

We call this walking perversion Cowboy Nick. His sin was being a child in he 90s during Dallas’s greatest years. He latched onto the winning team because, fuck, Michael Irving was a horrible person, but a badass, and because kids like W’s. A kind way to put is that Cowboy Nick bought a little high.

Cowboy Nick’s suffering is rigoddamndiculous. Teams lose—that happens. But his outbursts, the way he emotes his hate for his own beloved team, his simultaneous proclamations of defeat and victory, is all great entertainment.

I particularly enjoyed his own handwritten guide on playoff tie breakers last year. You may remember there were no ties to break.

And now, well, we’re 14 days away from full on, unrestrained Cowboy Nick. I’ve prepared by coating the living room in a generous layer of bubble wrap. You can prepare by following #cowboynick as I document this season in mental breakdowns.

Join me, wont you?

My roommates left me a very important voicemail. “Bye...

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 13:23:05 -0400

My roommates left me a very important voicemail.

“Bye Weif!”

You needn’t know how I ended up on Hayden...

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 10:48:45 -0400

You needn’t know how I ended up on Hayden Panettiere’s Wikipedia page, but… (Taken with instagram)

In bed. (Taken with instagram)

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:15:44 -0400

In bed. (Taken with instagram)

Why Tony is wrong about wraps

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:30:30 -0400

I first wrote this for the EchoDitto blog. The original post is also called “Why Tony is wrong about wraps”, because he’s still wrong. If you want to work for a cool company too, then you should know that we’re hiring.

Tony Guzmán is an EchoDitto project manager. His clients adore him and his projects are successful, bar-setting endeavors. He is, by a handful of accounts, not a horrible person. The handful may even say Tony is a nice guy, with proclivities to say nice things, and be generally pleasant to others.

These are damned lies when it comes to Tony and wraps.

Tony inexplicably hates wraps. Wraps are great and Tony is wrong:

Wraps are delicious.
Wraps aren’t trying to be burritos. Burritos need not worry about wraps.
Wraps are an efficient food delivery mechanism—you have your wrap hand and your beer keyboard hand.
Wraps are mobile and social and anything worth having is mobile and social. Wraps are the Pinterest of sandwiches.
Wraps save on utensils and dishes. The Lorax loves wraps.
Wraps are multi- and cross-cultural. Israelis and Palestinians both agree on wraps.
Wraps said nice things about that haircut you got even though it was a little on the iffy side.
Tony is from San Francisco and his favorite rapper isn’t E-40. HOW CAN WE TRUST ANYTHING HE SAYS?
I’m not going to check—just Mike Daisey-ing it over here—but I’ll confidently say Tony capitalizes “internet.” That’s weird and thus his judgment is further called into question.

Tony, you’re wandering aimlessly through a cold, wrap-less world. Come inside and warm your hands by the fire*.

*This is a metaphor about how you should eat wraps now.

Photo: Augmented BLT wrap by Matej Novak

It's getting very adult up in here

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:43:49 -0500

I like women. I like women. I like the concept of a woman.

I love you, Reggie Watts.

I didn't believe the talk about Rick Perry's new ad until I saw it myself

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 09:40:15 -0500

But here it is.

A moistened blessing from Superego and Reverend Leroy Jenkins

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 08:00:06 -0500

Rev. Leroy Jenkins:

For blessing these boys let me bless you with a moistened blessing of multiple blessings blessing your future and the future of your young ‘un blessings.

With praise, Rev. Leroy Jenkins

Oh, I’m sorry, what do you get in the mail? I get the good stuff. With PRAISE.

Your "Uggs"

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:01:02 -0500

Free Ayn Rand books

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:01:37 -0500

I’m sorry, you said you had some questions about irony?

Job

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 17:12:25 -0400

I favorite what I favorite.

Mount Lafayette

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 21:15:26 -0400

It gets cold one mile up. And you’ve got to walk more than a few miles laterally to get that one vertical mile.

I’d recommend you prepare. Proper food and clothing and drink is needed. Also, bring a friend to sit on your feet because you stepped off of a rolling log while crossing a stream and now your toes don’t feel cold anymore and that’s the problem.

You bring that friend, and you have that friend sit on your toes, and you eat cheese and drink bourbon one mile up.

The Stepkids

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:20:39 -0400

So smooth. It’s aural Don Draper, but with less cheating, more drinking, and the same amount of mistaken identity.

'New cloth self-cleans by killing bacteria'

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 08:39:40 -0400

'New cloth self-cleans by killing bacteria':

Spoiler alert.

This TSA apology

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:31:56 -0400

The TSA did an awful thing, inflicting pain and suffering on a person already in a great deal of pain and suffering. You’re either familiar with this story, or you’re telling your computer, “I think I’m familiar with this story, I mean, it sounds like all these other stories or maybe I just heard it in passing; I’ve definitely heard of this story”. It’s like me with Das Racist, but instead with you and this awful, awful TSA story.

And, ya know, security and 9/11 and terrorism and all that jazz, so the TSA has no intention of changing its policies. (Policies aside, TSA, treating humans like humans is a real cool thing too.)

But now the TSA offers up a half-hearted apology on its blog. I’m not a security expert, so we’ll put that part way aside, but—hello every girl I ever dated ever—I know me some half-hearted apologies like I know me some similes.

Let’s take a look at it on THE BREAKDOWN BOARD¹ :

We do our best to treat passengers with the dignity and respect they deserve,

Can you feel that “but” coming? Does it help if you ignore the comma? Just wait for a minute before you read on. Be sure to take in all the important stuff: dignity; respect.

but

Okay. The “but” is here. Get serious. We’re serious. Don’t forget: dignity. And: respect.

in Lori Dorn’s case, it looks like we missed our mark.

“…Missed and landed squarely on her breasts. Heh. Okay, kidding. Dignity and respect are, like, totally small. They’re abstract thoughts, so can you really fault us for a misfire?”

Also, the TSA wants you to be really clear that it’s only about this one case. There’s no larger narrative here. Between the lines is something like a: “Baby. Baby—oh baby—let’s not bring up the past.”

We sincerely regret and apologize for the experience Mrs. Dorn had at JFK.

“I’m REALLY sorry for the inconvenience. I’m SUPER sorry you feel that way. And I’m WAY clever for shifting the blame off of anyone or anything concrete. As long as it’s off of me, right Sport? Chin up.”

There’s one person this trick works on, and I’ve never dated her. I think it might be Kate Hudson. I’ve had better luck saying “smorry” and “apoologizing”. Maybe mumble it?

The real take away: Don’t apologize for my black eye—apologize for hitting me in the face. With that replica Fabergé egg. It hurt. And I found that at a yard sale in upstate New York. It’s hard to replace is what I’m saying.

The Federal Security Director for JFK has personally reached out to learn more about what happened so he can help ensure that she and others will have better travel experiences in the future.

There’s someone with a big title and he’s learning more because it’s an easy way for him to sound active while making sure you can’t ever measure his success.

Honestly, it’s the most genuine thing here, but it’d read a little better if you weren’t still furious about them apologizing for the effects. Level your concern at the cause, Mr. TSA, ‘cause it’s you.²

While security is our primary mission,

Terrorist mastectomies.

he apologized to Mrs. Dorn for not delivering the customer respect he wants all passengers flying through JFK to experience and offered to meet her the next time she flies through this airport.

Of all the times I’ve apologized, I’ve never offered a meeting with a boring executive at a crappy airport by way of an olive branch.

I didn’t watch Andy Rooney last night, and I don’t like Andy Rooney, and I’m not going to do any Googling here to see if he ever mumble-yelled about the TSA, but shouldn’t Andy Rooney’s crotchity old-man faux anger be a model for our real anger here? There’s a lot of things that divide us politically and economically in the US, but, for just a bit, can we get half as mad about the TSA as Andy Rooney gets mad at LameSpace or Twitcher or that young person thing that he calls something cute?

Maybe if we Tumblr more the world will change. You take the jpegs of inspirational quotes in neat fonts and Merlin Mann and I will do the music videos.

I ordered the board off of Amazon about five minutes ago, just for this post. Three workers died of heat stroke getting it here, but free shipping! ↩︎
I know, I know. But I’m smiling ear to ear now. ↩︎

'Pull a comb through your coal black hair'

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 16:55:59 -0400

Julie Klausner on “How Was Your Week”:

“Do you ever think that anyone ever thought in the 90s—I’m not going to say during the LA riots, but when thinking about or when discussing the LA riots—they were like, ‘The only riot I’m okay with is a zoot suit riot.’ Do you think anyone ever said that?”

Where are these jerks putting down women in comedy? I’ve got some real jerk things to do to their real jerk faces.

A trip to the café

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 12:42:26 -0400

Counter lady: Sir, I know you ordered a pot of tea, but we’re going to go ahead and give you straight lava. Frankly, you look like you’re a little too attached to your tongue and we talked it over when you came in and, honestly, we’d all feel better if it had that disturbingly rough feeling and you couldn’t taste anything for a week or so. Also, it may kill you: we did say it’s lava. Okay, it’s definitely going to kill you. Yeah, yeah. Did you lead a good life? We hope you led a good life. Alright now, have a good day—of reckoning.

They’re so polite.