Billy Mays is my Shepherd

Billy Mays is my Shepherd, I shall not want (a Shamwow).

He maketh me buy stuff I never knew I needed:

He leadeth me to find my credit card numbers and to call now.

He restoreth the colors to my laundry:

He leadeth me down the path to needing a “Clean House” for his clients’ sake.

Yea, though I surf through the valley of 3AM television,
I will fear no spills, for he giveth me Zorbeez;

His beard and his voice, they comfort me and keep me awake.

He preparest Big City Sliders for me in the presence of Jenny Craig,

He maketh my head to spin and bid me to wait, for there’s more; my mailbox runneth over.

Surely goodness and bargains shall lure me in during his reruns,
and I will walk on his Impact Gels forever.

–@NOTSethRogen

No man is an island, and Billy had a lot of amazing people behind him as he set out to take over our world. We miss you, Billy, and wish there was even more!

Our thoughts go out to @ArwenAnaNg, @KingSully and @YoungBillyMays as they embark on Season 2 of The Pitchmen!

]]> https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/and-now-for-a-little-blasphemy-billy-mays-style/feed/ 0 264 Möbius billy-mays https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/08/12/the-infamous-artery-clogging-stoners-squash/ https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/08/12/the-infamous-artery-clogging-stoners-squash/#respond Wed, 12 Aug 2009 10:15:46 +0000 http://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/?p=257 Directly from the warped brain of @NOTSethRogen on Twitter.

Stoner’s Squash

This recipe was completely developed while so wrecked we had to wait until the next day to actually make it.  All quantities are approximate.  Oven Preheated?  350, if you please.  Do it now.  If you’ve been smoking and don’t do it now, you’ll open a cold oven in about a half hour and be really pissed.  I know, trust me.

3 lb yellow/green squash, sliced
5 T butter
1 C minced sweet onion
1 C Mild Cheddar Cheese, shredded
1/2 C Swiss Cheese, shredded
1/2 C fresh Parmesean Cheese, shredded
4 large eggs, minus the shells. Shells will fuck up the whole thing.
1/2 C whole milk
2 t salt
1 t black pepper
4 oz bacon, cooked
20 Ritz Crackers, crushed into crumbs.  If you use other than Ritz, Andy Griffith will kick your ass.

Preheat oven to 350.

Cook squash in boiling water for 8-10 min until just tender. Remove from heat, drain, set aside.

Fry bacon, remove from pan, leave the grease. Finely chop backon and set aside.

Sautee onion in bacon grease + 5 T butter. Add squash slowly, sautee 3-4 minutes and remove from heat.

Put all cheese, milk, eggs, salt, pepper and bacon in a bowl, box, paper bag or empty enema bottle.

Mix thoroughly. Consistency should be about the same as cake batter. Adjust ingredient quantities as necessary.
Spoon 1/2 mixture into bottom of a well greased 13×9 glass baking dish to coat.

Add squash to dish and toss gently to coat. Pour remaining mixture into baking dish.

Top with Ritz crackers and more shredded cheese (optional). Bake 30-45 minutes and then bake the casserole for the same amount of time at 350 or until set and golden brown. 

Makes a lot.  Tastes best while baked. Even better the next day.

Enjoy, Kiddies!

Lloyd

@Lloyd_Henreid on Twitter

Whatcha think?  I do hope Lloyd doesn’t mind.

Mobi

Edit:

Lesson?  They’ll take anything.  LMAO

M

Staten Island, NY (TMT) –  It’s drizzling in the early morning hours of March 28.  People in this neighborhood are sleeping off the revelry of Friday night, having been out partying the night before.

But not “Seth Rogen”.  He stayed home last night and played games with a collective 25,000 Twitter users as he continued the weeks-long charade of impersonating Television and Movie actor Seth Rogen via Twitter.

It all started like most internet impersonation stories – somebody posing as somebody rather famous for kicks, but if you dig a little deeper, their downfall was a lack of understanding how Twitter works behind the scenes, and good old-fashioned self promotion for their own business.

Before we get into details, consider for a moment:

If you’re new to this saga, you may need a refresher course.  Go ahead and read, we’ll wait.

The suspect accounts (currently @Seth_Rogen and @MrYouLookLike) both use iPhone apps.   Does Rogen even own an iPhone?

The suspect accounts have both cross-posted and intermingled with one or two other specific Twitter accounts.  Repeatedly.  And while these accounts delete SOME tweets, they seem to only delete Tweets they realize will point to their true origin.

For our more visually oriented friends, here’s a chart:

The Plot Thickens....

Of course, if you simply follow the antics of the “new” @Seth_Rogen account, you’d be able to spot it being fake immediately.  For example, right now Seth Rogen has one of the, if not the #1 movie in the country this weekend.  He has a SNL appearance in a week.  Is he REALLY this worried?

Now, please:  STOP AND THINK

Would a Hollywood Star with SO much going on right now be this pressed over this Twitter foolishness?

Answer: Of course not.

In reading the many messages still being received at the original @realSethRogen , it’s apparent that many of you WANT it to be Seth Rogen, but folks, it’s not him.  If you ever needed ANY more proof, check out this last post:

Therefore, it’s our logical deduction that this entire charade was conceived in order to promote the Selfless Murder clothing line.  Frankly, with those last tweets, he told on himself.

I’m not about to “out” someone like that with their ‘Government Name” (that’s Mobius‘ term, not mine) online, but it would not take a rocket scientist to find out who’s behind it all.  The final reveal?  Like I said, it’s NOT rocket science:

Conclusive? No.  Convincing?  I think so.  IP logs from Twitter will surely bear the truth if anybody needs to get THAT far with it….I hear they keep good records.  Could I be wrong?  It’s happened before, sure.  But I think with the latest tweets from the ‘Official’ account, it’s become pretty doggone obvious.

So…let’s review what we’ve learned:

A.  The actor and star of movies like Pineapple Express and Observe and Report, Seth Rogen, is NOT on Twitter. It doesn’t matter how much you WANT the real SR to be on Twitter, the accounts mentioned here have absolutely NO connection with him whatsoever.  Sorry to disappoint the thousands of fans who thought, or (quite creepily at times) wanted it to be the real thing.

B.  The vast majority of ‘Seth Rogen’ accounts on Twitter (as of today) are likely linked to one source.…some guy trying to promote a small clothing line, the designs of which would typically appeal to fans of Seth Rogen.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea, but it’s complete bullshit to make money from the sweat of someone else’s brow or off of their notoriety.  I don’t know where YOU live, but where I live, that’s considered using somebody else’s fame for profit.  Mr. Rogen has his face, his talent, and his name to sell, and frankly once you try to attach THAT fame to YOUR business, you’re stealing from him.

It’s also pretty damn cruel to pretend you’re someone who is adored by so many people.  Unrealistic as THEIR expectations may have been, you’ve disappointed many, many people on Twitter.  They took at good faith that you were who you professed to be, and now the excitement of reaching out to a celebrity has been tarnished for them.

That said, it was definitely an interesting idea to try out, and I suspect we’ll now be overrun with similar accounts for others to promote their products.  Hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

Given the economy, I wish the original hoaxter well.  I hope he sells a lot of shirts and other stuff.  I’m actually headed to Spencer’s today to pick one out to memorialize the occasion!

P.S.  It’s my understanding that in California, where Mr. Rogen lives, that’s actionable when it’s conducted as blatantly as this has been.  All those extra sales might help out with the hefty legal fees if you’ve been up to no good.  LoL

C.  The original story of Seth Rogen not being on Twitter was broken by @amcnews – Jacob did a splendid job of getting right to the source (Seth himself) and letting us know that Rogen is not on Twitter.  If you watch the video and see his reaction, it’s obvious he thinks the whole concept is at least mildly lame.

With nonsense like THIS cluttering up what can be very useful tool, I’m beginning to think that might just be the case.

Mild lameness.

Until next time, kiddies,

Lloyd
(@realSethRogen 3/26 – Present, and still NOT Seth Rogen)

Editor’s Note:  Tweets, emails and a phone call to the original hoaxter were not immediately returned.  We tried.

]]> https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/03/29/original-realsethrogen-twit-identified/feed/ 13 178 Lloyd Henried 3-26-2009-4-09-03-pm SR Chart 1 srbs1 srbs2 srbs3 https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/03/27/breaking-news-franco-still-dead-rogen-not-tweeting/ https://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/2009/03/27/breaking-news-franco-still-dead-rogen-not-tweeting/#comments Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:36:52 +0000 http://lloydsrants.wordpress.com/?p=155

It’s true.  I hate to disappoint millions of you, but Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL dead.

Now, on to disappoint a couple thousand others…….

There’s been a lot of flutter online the last two days about the shenanigans going on with the @realSethRogen Twitter ID.  Hopefully this FAQ will clear things up for everyone.

Update 3/28/2009: @Seth_Rogen is the latest Seth Rogen fake Twitter account – he’s also not real, but it SURE shows us all how gullible folks can be.  Same guy as from before, and we actually have a pretty good idea who’s behind it.  Hint:  It’s not Seth Rogen.

What happened to the @realSethRogen Twitter feed? Updated here 3/29.

On the evening of Wednesday, March 25, I had noticed from my own Twitter feed that there were some odd posts coming from the @realSethRogen account, similar to these:

I really don’t read Twitter a ton – I post more than I read, but this happened to catch my eye, and I decided to go take a peek and see if perhaps somebody had gotten hold of some Pineapple Express and decided to Tweet.

While browsing through these posts, I noticed that WHOEVER was typing on the Twitter account was called ‘@mrsilver09’.  Thinking quickly, I wondered what happened to the old ‘@realSethRogen’ account.

The IT tinkerer in me decided to go look for it, and the account could not be found, so I decided to see if, like many systems, the ID was free since ‘@mrsilver09’ had changed the original account.  Sure enough, the ID was open, and I created a new account shortly after ‘@mrsilver09’ changed the original account.  That’s how I landed it on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at 9:59 PM.

Is that it?  You didn’t hack Seth Rogen’s Twitter account?

Nope.  The Twitter account @realSethRogen is brand-new as of early Thursday morning.

So who is on the old’ account?  Is THAT the real Seth Rogen?

No clue, sorry. My guess is that it’s just some random troll.  Harsh?  Maybe, but there are a LOT of folks out there who thought they had access to one of their Hollywood stars, and frankly if I were SR, I think I’d be pissed.

However, the nice folks at @amcnews pointed out to me that they have Seth on video telling everyone he doesn’t use Twitter (or any other social networking site).  @amcnews indeed broke the story.  Thanks for the clarification, guys!

So….YOU are not the same person using the ‘old’ @realSethRogen account (currently called ‘@RogenSeth’)?

Hell no.  I’m a lot funnier than that guy, far more good looking, and apparently smarter than he is.

Why did you end up with the @realSethRogen account?  Are you trying to make a buck off of this?

I’d make a buck off of naked porn shots of your grandmother if I thought it would make a decent profit, but no.  I ended up with the ID because I was just following my nose along the weird Tweets coming from the feed.  Call it being in the right place at the right time.

Do you know Seth Rogen?  Are you a fan?  Can you tell me what his real Twitter account is?

I don’t know Mr. Rogen, but I have seen a lot of his work.  Honestly, I couldn’t have named him from a photograph as recently as three weeks ago. I do enjoy his work…from Freaks and Geeks to Pineapple Express, and am hoping for a killer performance in The Green Hornet.

Oh, and if you’re STILL trying to find Seth Rogen’s REAL Twitter account, please turn off American Idol, put the kids to bed, free yourself from all distractions, and go back and re-read.  Seriously.  Whoever was originally on that account had over 25,000 people fooled into believing it was really Mr. Rogen.

Are YOU Seth Rogen?

No.

Will you keep the account?

For now, sure.  It’s actually helped clear some of this infernal writer’s block I’ve had, and there are some nice folks who know what happened but like to play along anyway.

But what if it IS really Seth Rogen?

He can have it if he wants it, and SR is a smart enough guy to know how to get that done.

Anything else?

Just one thing.  That same evening, the account @JonahHill was also changed and ‘somebody’ also went and re-created that one as well.  Leads me to believe that whoever started the hoax had both @realSethRogen and @JonahHill accounts.

Updated here.

That’s it.  I hope this answers the bazillion questions that have come up.  My next post will be some of the LOVELY hate mail the account has received – much of it having nothing to do with Twitter, just people spewing random hate at this man they obviously don’t even know.

Yeah, I know. The title says “Giant” (which used to be a locally-owned, obnoxiously priced and tres pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast, and now is a chain-owned, obnoxiously HIGHER priced and GROSSLY pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast), but for purposes of this particular rant, you could really be waiting in line anywhere.

It’s happened to me at Giant, McDonald’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, even waiting in line in CHURCH, for goodness’ sake. (Yes, Lloyd has been seen at church on occasion. Fuck you. It’s a great place to pick up the closet freaks, so kiss my ass.)

Let me set the mood for you….this particular thought occurred to me while I was waiting in line recently at the Giant Food Store in Lexington Park, Maryland.

Why is is that you can get in line behind someone, and they have absolutely NO inclination to:

* Acknowledge you…..?
* Speak to you………..?
* Make eye contact with you?
* Apologize for either having 45 items in a 12 items or less line OR for backing up into you for no apparent reason…..?

BUT……..(you knew this was coming, didn’t you?)

they don’t have a SINGLE PROBLEM with SHARING the current ODOR of their COLON with you and the rest of the people in the general vicinity? What the FUCK is that all about?

Is this something NEW? Are all the idiots in the world teaching their kids, young and old alike, that it’s “NO PROBLEM to SHIT YOURSELF” while standing next to someone? Someone, I might add, who has COME to the store with EATING on their mind? Someone who just MIGHT have an appetite? What the FUCK?

Do I have a sign on me somewhere that pleads with people, “Please, by all means, empty your bowels of any gas or gas byproducts, but do be sure to stay closeby so that I can enjoy whatever it is that failed to properly digest!”? No, I do not. For one thing, it would be a big goddam sign. For another thing, GO WIPE.

Although it is sneaky and downright rude, the silent ones are actually a preference. Why? Well, there are two schools of thought on this, but my thinking is such:

You’ve already offended my sense of smell. My nose is now a virtual warehouse for every odor that was, until very recently, swimming around your insides. It’s TRUE! (People, the only reason you SMELL this stuff is that it was RELEASED outside into the air from the evacuating anal canal of someone you probably don’t even KNOW. Think about THAT the next time you just smile embarrassingly at the offender.)

So, that being the case, and trying my damndest not to heave from all the visuality an ODOR can bring, why offend me MORE by putting the sound in my ears? I mean some of the sounds are not all that bad, but the ones which SOUND wet and therefore ARE wet make me just want to toss you a roll of paper towels and leave….because when I become alerted to the fact that someone in my general area has just shit themselves, my immediate instinct is to want to leave.

[Actual thought process: “Hmmmmm….that sound. Why, someone close by has just shit all over themselves. Best I leave the area before they get any on ME. Goodbye.”]

Now, many of you will say that the sound acts as a warning to leave before the smell hits you. Maybe true, but if I am intent on standing my ground firmly, I’m gonna get hit with both anyway. If I’m buying a pack of smokes, you’re gonna have to do better than a day-old-burrito blast to pry tobacco from my hands.

Speaking of which…….

((Chevy Chase, Maryland, home to commies, bastards and other stupid idiots a la Montgomery County Maryland, recently tried to enact legislation to ban cigarette smoking in public. NOT public places, folks – PUBLIC.

It would have been illegal to smoke ANYWHERE except in your home.

The measure was hotly contested and defeated, at least in part because one of the bill’s sponsors (and the Mayor of Friendship Heights) apparently had a penchant for sucking the cocks of adolescent boys at Washington’s National Cathedral.

Not my point here though it’s tempting. VERY tempting. Perhaps a future rant? Okay…..

Montgomery County Maryland, not to be outdone as the least likely place to found a brain trust, attempted legislation aimed at enabling it’s denizens to complain and have fines levied on their neighbors if Cigarette Smoke should waft onto their property, courtesy of mother-fucking-nature. That bill was also smacked down within hours of it’s passage.))

Here’s the point, gang:

This is going to continue, this over-legislation of our personal lives, until someone puts a stop to it, and we all have to start by fighting back. The next time you’re out in public and someone cracks one within the zone of your nose, without so much as an ‘oops’, PLEASE light up a smoke and shove it in their ass!

Just watch out for the methane…..I understand it can be explosive.

Until next time, kiddies……..

Lloyd

Originally Published December 17, 2004

Well December is in the air, and it smells like shit to me. Merry Fucking Christmas and HoHo, ho.

I hate Wal-Mart. I mean I can’t even stand to say the fucking name, so herein I’ll refer to it as Wallyworld. Mostly because I hate to type hyphens.

Now those of you who know Lloyd personally, know that I am not much of a fan of angry music. But I have come to have quite a fondness for the ravings of a certain young man from Michigan, Marshall Mathers….otherwise known by that candy-ass name of his, Eminem. I hear he has a new CD out, so I bop on down to the local Wallyworld the other day, and a few things occurred to me.

Imposing their morals on ME?!?

You cannot buy an Eminem CD at Wallyworld. At least not an unedited version. ( Now, before I get started here, I need to send out a huge, dry assfuck to Slim Shady for even allowing them (whoever the fuck THEY are) to even produce an edited version of his work. This proves yet again that it’s NOT about the art or the creation, it’s about the money, and you’re now no better than the rest of the overpaid asswipes we consider entertaining American Heroes in this country. More on that in the next Rant, I promise! ).

Yet, I can’t buy an unedited version of his CD in Wallyworld. Nor can I purchase Maxim, Stuff, FHM or Blender – all magazines that I enjoy and oogle on a regular basis. I realize that most places have already dropped the skin mags – Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, etc., but the others are just fucking magazines with a few pin-up gals in there. Ole Lloyd buys these others as a matter of course, mostly to keep up with the latest in electronic gizmos and other things that he’ll never have a chance in hell of owning, because he’s not yet an American Hero.

So while enraged I decided to do some more browsing in Wallyworld. I can buy a purse that looks like a pair of panties. I can buy a plastic moose that shits out fecally colored jelly beans. I can buy all kinds of greeting cards that feature pin-up girls AND guys. And I can even purchase movies that feature good old T&A.

It’s selective censorship, people. Plain and simple. Cow-towing to the American Right Wing uptight assholes in this country. This isn’t a retail leader, it’s a retail sell out, and the only reason I even shop there is because Mrs. Lloyd and myself live in a little shitburg of a town with no other competition. It’s wrong, they need to stop dictating OUR choices for us, and just for good measure, dry-fuck them in their ass with a really large black dildo made of splintery plywood. There. I feel much better, even though I am beginning to sound like a certain asswipe I have recently encountered in Yahoo Chat.

Old Folks are Useless People Too

What the fuck is with the old folks who get hired to say Hello when I walk into the store? When I get into Wallyworld, I really, really want to just get in, get my shit, and get out, all while speaking to the fewest number of dumbfuck people possible. Come to think of it, this pretty much applies to anywhere Lloyd travels these days. In our local Wallyworld, the greeter is often this ancient, 105 year old woman on an oxygen tank. What do you say to these people? Dead yet? Sorry? Hello? All I know is that they are employed there, and the $4 an hour that Wallyworld pays them in an effort to appear to be a friendly store (remember these are the fucks who are making your choices for you, folks), only serves to make it so that I have to pay a fucking dollar for a roll of LifeSavers. I’d much rather have granny sitting at home doing bong hits on her nebulizer, and get my LifeSavers at a reasonable price. Selfish? Damn right it is. Looking out for numero Uno the same way Wally is. Youbetcherass.

Same shit goes for the dumbass who checks you as you leave the store. This little highligher-wielding, power-hungry sorry excuse for a human being degenerates could not possibly make an intelligent assessment of the weather outside, let alone glance at the receipt in my hand and determine whether or not I have, in fact, paid for all my purchases. It is simply not possible. Another worthless function in life. It’s an inconvenience for me, for I have already shoved the receipt into my pocket where I choose to put it…but again Wally wants to make those choices for me…so I may only choose to stuff that little piece of cheap thermo-print paper where I like once I am OUTSIDE the store. It’s frankly insulting to me, and SHOULD be insulting to Wallyworld’s cashiers as well. If they are not insinuating that all their CUSTOMERS out to rip them off, they are insinuating that their cashiers are dishonest and not ringing up all your purchases. Either that or they are too fucking stupid to swipe products across a UPC scanner and make change.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe they have something there. I haven’t seen too many Nobel Prize Winners behind the cash register there.

Either way though, if you end up in FRONT of Ole Lloyd as you are leaving Wallyworld, you best keep moving forward. Out of the graciousness of my soul I give you an entire second to move out of my way while dealing with Highlighter Lady, or I will bust right past you and out into the real world, moving on, ready for my next adventure….. in the parking lot.

Caution – Idiocy Zone

WHAT THE FUCK is it about the parking lot at Wallyworld? It’s like whenever anyone operating a motor vehicle (or even entering/exiting the store on foot) get within 15 feet of the store, they lose all common sense and forget how things work. Perhaps they never knew. Considering MOST of the people I’ve seen shopping at Wallyworld, that’s not a bad assumption.

But PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE, people….if someone is just STANDING in front of the store, and showing no intention of walking into the parking lot whatsoever, put your fucking FOOT on the GAS and move ON. Jesus!

It’s like a goddam Mexican Standoff, the blue-haired little old lady who can’t see over the fucking dashboard anyway versus the young pants-down-around-their-ass mob who just want to stand in front of the entrance doors and get their bee-bop on….probably because it’s the single-most likely place they will BE IN THE FUCKING WAY.

I swear to God I am gonna start carrying around a can of lighter fluid and a Bic to deal with those morons the next time I have to brush by their unwashed asses to get somewhere.

In all fairness, Wallyworld is no different when it comes to the assfucks who want to hold up progress and wait for that closer parking spot. That’s fine. But do so in a manner where I can buzz around you, go to the END of the parking aisle, and be in the store before your dumb ass has the blinker on your shitty 1973 Mercury turned off. As for the morons who hold up things at the front of the aisle waiting on that coveted handicapped spot when there are spots available just two slots down, all I can say is that I hope you get out of your car and promptly get brain-raped by a van full of Jerry’s Kids, because you’re simply too fucking stupid to live.

So the next time you actually get to Wallyworld, take a look around, especially at the exit doors. You’ll see a whole hoard of mesmerized people looking down with a dumfounded look on their face, glancing down at their highlighted receipt, trying to decipher whether or not there’s a secret code to the scrawl on it. They’re moving forward hesitantly, as if they may need to run back inside and have it checked for them again. No fucking wonder.

Until next time, kiddies……..

Lloyd

This time on……Waiting in Line at Starbucks

Okay, everyone knows that Lloyd absolutely hates and despises YUPPIES.

Fabulously beautiful people, extremely self-centered, full of themselves, consumer-driven, baseball cap on backwards, bald by choice men, obnoxious and a shame to waste the oxygen on them bunch of motherfuckers that they are, they did have one good idea: Starbucks. NO, this does not make up for the fact that most of them are criminal cocksucker businessmen, driven to remove your hard earned money from your pocket via your anus. But the coffee’s good.

Lloyd likes Starbucks coffee. There. Said it. Shoot me right between the eyes if you wanna, I don’t care.

That being said, why is it that EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to Starbucks I have to get behind some idiot, self-important bastard (who should be wearing a fucking Batman Utility Belt to hold the pager, Palm Pilot, Cell Phone and portable GPS unit on top of his FatAss Docker Pants) who insists on ordering something not even remotely resembling COFFEE?

Something that even the local Barista (I hate that term, too, but I’m trying to move on here, see if you can keep up, huh?) has to look up in the Coffee Bible, and takes 20 minutes to make.

“I’ll have a half-caff, double paper, sans sleeve, light foam, dual skim, water up felatio-chino. No fructose, with a twist. Shaken, not stirred. Capped, not covered.”

Let me kindly respond to your request for all those of us standing in line behind you, waiting to get served so that we can get (back) to work:

“FUCK YOU. IN YOUR ASS. WITH BARNEY’S PURPLE DINOSAUR COCK. DRY. Who are you, the 007 of the coffee world??”

People, people, people. Starbucks is a COFFEE HOUSE. If you can’t drink COFFEE, go the fuck somewhere else. Try these phrases, they will make me, you, and everyone else happy:

• I’ll have a large.
• I’ll have a medium.
• I’ll have a small. (but why bother?)
• I need change for the phone. (you are pressing your luck here)
• I need the key to the restroom. (GOTCHA! Starbucks does not LOCK their bathrooms. Why? Because Beautiful People would not dream of pissing all over the floor. Yeah right. At any rate, no key needed. Move along, ass.)

Any of the above are acceptable. If you want a fucking croissant, go to Vie De France and get it. Just get the HELL out of my way…or I will personally introduce you to Biscotti….anally.

Until next time, kiddies……..

Lloyd

Cell Phones and Driving

I’ve really, really had enough of this bullshit about driving and using a cellular telephone. Most people I know barely have enough intellect to operate a motor vehicle, let alone try and hold a conversation while driving. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON why those of us who DO possess such faculties cannot do both at the same time.

The Brain Trust we all know and love as the State of New York, that worldwide home to hospitality, good manners and Oxford English, has decided they need to legislate the use of a wireless telephone while driving, and that jerkoff governor they have has agreed to put the measure into law.

What a moron! And here I thought we could expect more from a state that elected Hillary to the Senate. NOT!

I guess the honorable guv’nr has never seen the statistics on what actually CAUSES accidents in cases where the driver was distracted. A recent study, that we undoubtedly paid for, released by the University of North Carolina, shows that most drivers are distracted by just about anything BUT a cell phone.

Things Outside the Car
Now just imagine that. Something OUTSIDE the car distracted me. Think so? Let’s examine some examples:
Tina Turner walking down the sidewalk in a thong bikini. That would distract ol’ Lloyd, you betcha.
Ted Turner walking down the sidewalk in a thong bikini. That would distract ol’ Lloyd, you betcha. Just for different reasons.

Adjusting Radio, CD, etc.
You’re damn right this is distracting. Especially when I can’t get anything on the radio but that obnoxious fucking RAP shit all over the radio. And now these Rocket Scientists are naming themselves after candy, probably to draw the 5-10 year old market. Lovely.

Other Occupants
Hey, somebody’s gotta drive Ike and Tina around.

Vehicle Controls
What ya wanna bet that this will be the next thing they outlaw – changing your vehicle controls while driving. Even better – how many accidents do you think all those Minivans with Diplomatic Tags have caused by FAILING to use their vehicle controls. Like the nice little stick on the left of the steering column? Must be illegal in ‘their’ country to use them.

Eating/Drinking
Hey, I can handle a Double Whopper AND use the phone while I’m driving, and I drive a STICK. Some can and some can’t.

Cell Phones
Never, EVER caused an accident for myself or anyone I know, and I know a lot of people. This is just another one of those pseudo-popular causes that’s trendy to be part of until you’re actually asked to DO something about it. Just like the Million (fill in the blank here) March, where about 75 people show up, providing that the weather’s nice.

Smoking
Here is the next personal freedom we’re gonna lose folks – smoking in the privacy of your own car. Just watch.

Other Distractions
Ever been in a car when someone lets loose a real foul one? I have, and it’ll distract you every time. Tell you another one that’s a minor distraction, too: ever since the government pukes decided to put Killer Air Bags in cars, now you gotta have your kids in the back seat. How many times have we seen the classic Yuppie Soccer Mom reaching around behind her to whack her kid upside the head? This is, of course, the perfect time to hit the little brat, because out in public it’s strictly “Time Out” for misdeeds. Yeah, that works. NOT.

Unknown Distractions
This has GOT to be where all the dumbass Legislators listed their distractions. Just sounds like one of them. “Oh, I don’t know WHAT distracted me, I just know I was distracted. So it wasn’t my fault. Now pay me.”

Lastly, dear friends, let’s all consider the source: Federal, State and Local governments. Once again these people who suck the absolute lifeblood from the teat (yes, I said TEAT) of the Taxpayers every year have decided that they know what’s best for you. Think about this: Do you KNOW anyone who works for the Federal, State or Local Government? Have you NOT, at one point or another, thought to yourself, “Damn, I know that Julio works for THE GOVERNMENT, but he’s an absolute fucking IDIOT!”? I know I have, dear friends, and many more times than I care to recall. I can’t think of a single person I know who works for a government anywhere who’s not just slagging by, doing what they have to do, until retirement.

These aren’t even people we can trust with unimportant things (anyone got potholes in their roads?), let alone important ones, like executing people on our behalf, or telling us when we can and cannot use a cell phone. Enough already!

If you agree with me (and if you don’t, click here to go back home), join me in the following resolutions:

If you see an accident occur, especially a GOOD one, everyone bleeding all over the place and such, DRIVE RIGHT PAST AND LAUGH. Especially if it’s an asswipe legislator. Never even consider using your cell phone to call for help, because George Fucking Washington (“GFW”) has decided you can’t use your cell phone responsibly in the car. And don’t EVEN bother telling me there are exceptions within the law. Fuck that and you too. If there are good, valid reasons for exceptions, then maybe, just MAYBE the law’s a BAD IDEA. Wouldn’t be the first time that GFW came up with a real winner.

The next time you drive past Johnny Law, hold your cell phone outside the window and wave it at him. Don’t use it, goodness no! Just wave the motherfucker out the window. See if maybe that distracts HIM a little bit. (gonna be category #1 in the chart above, too!)

REFUSE TO COMPLY! This is just another step in our government slowly taking control over our daily lives. It starts out with small things like those choking fucking seat belts, then helmets for bikers (and any TRUE biker knows he doesn’t need a LAW to put on a helmet before heading out) and smoking in public, but if we continue to tolerate and allow this abuse on us, very soon you will not be able to even scratch where it itches without getting fined.

Write your Federal and State Senators and Representatives. You voted those pukes in there, they work for you. Tell them how you feel about the possibility of losing YET ANOTHER of your personal Freedoms.

Above all else, do this: The next time you are in a public place and have to take a call on your cell phone, have the fucking courtesy of trying your damndest to be undetected. I swear to JHC that all these obnoxious morons who (a) feel the need to flip out their cell every 10 minutes, (b) decide to hold a conversation in front of you when you’re not even participating and (c) don’t realize that the PHONE causes their voice to be heard miles away, and that it’s not necessary to SHOUT (these are the same assholes who raise their voice at people who don’t understand English) piss me off way more than someone driving and talking on a cell phone. Perhaps to the extent where that’s the NEXT Rant.

Until next time, kiddies……..

Lloyd