Loco YaYa's Snafud World

I Have Fallen...

2013-04-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

...apparently off the face of the earth. but only the cyber earth. i am actually alive and well. just have not spent a ton of time online.

first Google decided to kill off the Reader. which is horrible in my world. i relied on it. to read the blogs i loved the most. to let me know when there was a new post. and now....nothing. i have to go and hunt them down like 'olden times' and well seriously i was following over 260 blogs. with a good two dozen that i read weekly. finding them all is a pain. so i have been slow to comment lately. and slow to blog. i will sit down this weekend and hammer out a few posts. we celebrated a birthday, had a holiday weekend, have started Friday Night Community Dinner at my house weekly, dove back into the world of daycare, and so many other things over the last couple of months.

i have not written due to the lack of words or inspiration, it has been due to how busy we have been. both good busy and bad busy. and the fact that my children have taken over my laptop. plus we kind of instituted a 'no electronics' on the weekend rule. which is bad for me.

i will catch you all up. soon. promise.

Finding Your Past

2013-01-08T19:15:00.000-06:00

it is no secret that i am adopted. after the birth of Lil'K i was forced to do a little thinking. health wise i was going through things that were a bit scary. things that my mother had gone through. that ultimately led to her having a hysterectomy when i was three. which led to her being on hormones. which as we all know led to her death. facing the same surgery in my near future started to worry me. it made me think long and hard about my medical past. and more importantly, my lack of knowledge about my medical past. the fact that i now had a second child, whose paternal medical past i had no knowledge of either. being adopted, and in the mid 70's at that, you can imagine that the 'passing on of information' was not quite as open as it is now in some cases. i literally knew very little. i knew the agency used. that she was musical. had brown hair. was 21. and that i was a mix of irish, dutch and indian. the tribal headdress kind, not the in the sand with camel's kind. and that the possibility i was given up was that she wanted to head to medical school. but that was the extent of what i knew.

enter Lil'K and my need for learning more skyrocketed. but how on earth could i do that? my adoption was obviously closed. my birth mother used an agency that in my area is known for their 'wayward home for expecting young mothers'. or back in the day that was the case. i started by contacting them. no help. i could pay an astronomical amount of money and send in an application that if happened to match another party would allow me to receive information. so i put my information out on a couple of adoption sites. by the time i forgot about it i received an email from an adoption search agency. in the email it only asked if the number shown was my birth certificate number. it was. the number matched a birth certificate from my birthday with only 'baby girl' listed. but with a name under mother. then the same number is shown with my name, my mother and father as well. she said it was unusual back then for the same number to be on both. they would usually give a new number to the birth certificate that went with the adoptive parents and child. so it made things easier. she was able to give me my birth mother's name. her parents names. the name of her mother. and another relative as well as his address and phone number and the fact that at one time she had lived with him. of course, i could not fathom calling that number. i just kind of sat on the information for a while. do not get me wrong, i would google the shit out of the information i had. but just could not act on it. i googled for quite a while. years even. but did not get the push i needed until early 2012 when my cousin and i started putting together our family tree. i decided to start another one on the side. you would not believe the information that can be found on those sites. so i entered my birth mother's name. i found a picture of her. from high school and nearly fell out of my chair. i could not even think. i took a picture of it on my phone and sent it to August. she immediately was like WTF is that? the resemblance was striking. i knew it was her.

i continued to search for her brother. i knew her parents were already deceased. i had found their death certificates. but the brother remained elusive. and she was just kind of in the wind. i searched and searched. but kept coming up with nothing but dead ends.

school started and the holidays hit. and the searching just kind of came to a halt. after christmas i decided to look again. and the first entry in google was... her obituary. it took my breath away. she had passed away at the age of 57 in september of 2012. i contacted the funeral home that was listed as doing the arrangements. the gentleman there was very sympathetic to my story. after playing phone tag for almost a month, i got in touch with him this morning and heard the news that i was dreading. he did not do the pick up from the hospital. it was another funeral home. it was a county case. she was cremated. no living relatives or assets. it was a friend from work that made the arrangements. they did not even know where she was born at. where her parents were from. or any other information.

the only part i heard was ... no living relatives.

it brought my everything to a halt.

every. thing.

after all my searching. and wondering. that was it. it was over. no. living. relatives.

all i can do now is try to find the woman that helped make the arrangements. and maybe talk to her. i searched all day for her brother. and the other relative. to no avail.

i just have a hard time imagining that this is the end. but i have to say my heart is very heavy. i know as an adopted child that your past is always hard to narrow down. and i love my parents. they are the only mom and dad i know. the best ever. and i do not want to belittle them. but i think being human...there is an instinct to understand your past. to know where you come from. i think that has nothing to do with being adopted. i want to know the same things about my parents. especially my mom. i knew her as my mom, but growing up without her i was not able to really understand what she was like as an adult. i only saw her as a mom. i want to know about her as much as i do my birth mom. probably even more. but with both of them gone...where do i start? how do i get to my past? what will i tell my girls? i do not want them to be my age and wonder about their pasts. i know this will be something that i will have to get past. getting past your past. sheesh i sure have been working on this lately.

ughh. just one more thing to add to my list of 'shitineedtoworkthrough'

When Your Baby Makes You Proud of Yourself

2013-01-06T20:45:00.000-06:00

the last two weeks have been a tad bit crazy. but i guess in a good way. i guess it starts with Christmas. the whole thing was just so weird. i do not know if the kids getting early released from school the Friday prior to Christmas, which made Christmas seem to come faster, or if it was that i took off of work the entire week of Christmas. this holiday just seemed strange from the get-go. my cousin and his wife (and adorable two year old!) were down from Colorado for a week to celebrate with us, but to also pack up their home to move permanently from here to there. we had tons of fun and cousin time. which was great. we enjoyed it so much. although it did seem like i was killing my liver a little at a time. Christmas Eve i pulled a little bender. ended up in a ditch. and i do not mean my car. i mean me. my body. in a ditch. a very cold, wet ditch. for hours. yep. yay vodka. combined with a safety meeting (long story). needless to say it was a fun night...but a little overdone on my part. here at the Casa de la Loco, we open presents on Christmas Eve morning. a tradition that was started after the birth of Lil'K. we just have too many places to go in too short a time. well the present opening came and went with very little fanfare. it did not help that Lil'K decided to bust out of bed at 2:30 in the morning. i talked her into staying in bed until a little after four. which made for a long day for mama. the big guy in the red suit only brought three presents per child. which could have been the issue. the mama decided to pay bills first and get presents second. it was a smart financial decision, but sucked for the girls. i do not regret it. at all. extra presents did come in the mail from my second mother. which was awesome. and much appreciated.

after the ditch incident later that evening, Christmas Day ended up kind of being a blur. we made it out to Papa Loco's house. and did the fat red man there. normally we would spend Christmas evening for dinner with the BFF, but she was out of town. out of state actually. which made the holidays even weirder. the first time in almost a decade that Christmas wasn't spent with my family. i actually got to visit with my aunt that i rarely see which was wonderful. it just seemed that the whole week flew by. this past week was even dumber. off on monday, work on tuesday, work on wednesday and thursday. off on friday. work on saturday. off on sunday (today) and back to work tomorrow. i guess that is what i get for taking a week off.

through all of it though my kids were like champs. they did not complain, at least not more than normal kids do. and it made me proud. they did not complain about the lack of gifts. the appreciated the fact that all of our utilities still worked. they appreciated the visit with all of the family. i am amazed by my children every day. even the bad days. i am still proud of them. and amazed that someone so loco is who made them. who has raised them. it is just amazing.

tonight Big'K said something that made me so proud. we went for burgers. it was late and i did not feel like cooking. while at the burger place i noticed a strange guy. you know the one. speaking too loudly. dressed in too many layers. dirty beard and hair. very disheveled. pacing. around the inside and then outside and back in. you could tell he was hungry. but obviously had no money. and he was crazy. not in a good way. in a schizo or bipolar way. and he was apparently not medicated. normally where we live it is pretty warm. but right now we are in the middle of our 'winter' which means it can get nippy. i was very cautious of him. as both of my children are 'special' and tend to attract the weird ones. when we were finished eating, i sent the girls with my car keys to go get in the car. and i walked up to the counter. i asked the girl if she knew if he was just drunk or was he mental. already knowing the answer. there was a good possibility he may have been drunk. but he was without a doubt mental. all i could see in my minds eye was Lil'K, my brother, or many of the countless others that i know that suffer from mental illness in that same predicament. she said she did not know. but he had been there for well over an hour. in my time there he had gone up and gotten a coffee cup. i asked her did he pay for his drink and she said no. "i think he has something wrong with him. he babbles off and on. about nothing or everything. he is obviously hungry. but i think he is homeless" she said back. in an almost whisper as to not draw his attention. i then told her the following: "in this bag are two of our three orders of fries. we did not need them. i want you to order four chicken strips. if not eaten they are easy to carry and will keep for a while. also order a small drink. when they are ready, please give the bag of fries and the chicken and drink to that man. he obviously needs it." she looked at me with eyes full of question. "my youngest daughter is mentally ill. i have many friends that suffer from mental illness as well. they could just as easily be in his predicament. and i would like to think that there are still good people in the world that would look at them and know that it is ok to be afraid, but not ok to shun or ignore them. that even just a meal could make a difference in their life." she told me thank you and that she would do it. "no need for thanks, you just find a need and pass it on." those were the words i left her with. when i got to the car Big'K was crying. not sobbing. just single tears. i had told the girls what i was going to do and that i wanted them to go to the car. because it was ok to be a little afraid. and just in case i wanted them to be safe. i backed my car up far enough that i could see the guy, i was afraid he would leave before his food was ready. he was not sitting where he had been and i was worried. then Lil'K said look mom he has the food! and there he was walking back from the drink counter with our bag of fries, a box of chicken and a HUGE smile on his face. as i drove away Big'K simply said...

"well now i know where i get that feeling inside that i want to always do for people. and pay it forward all the time. to reach out to those that are different. to be afraid but still help. i get it from you. and that makes me proud mom. it makes me proud of you and proud of me and sister that we have such a good example."

just when you think you suck at parenting a little gem like that pops out of your child's mouth. and you are instantly proud. and know you are doing something right.

2013 - the year of the pay it forward in this house has officially begun.

New Year .... Again

2013-01-03T11:10:00.001-06:00

Well you have to love blogger. I had an entire post. It was beautiful. Then I updated and added some pictures from my phone app and BOOM. The entire thing was gone. So now I get to try to redo it. Ugh. Such beautiful writing. GONE. It is such a downer when you have spent time writing a post. And then it is just gone. When something like that happens I find it hard to find my words again. To say things in the way I had, when I was in the groove. So I will try again.

Yay for the new year.

It is that time again. A new beginning. When the year starts over. Things change. New adventures are on the horizon. I went back and read my last "new year" post. It was two years ago. So much has happened since then.

Over 20 years of anger, sadness, resentment, fear and negative feelings were let go. I had a 'breakthrough'. I finally learned to get past some of the things that have haunted me and held me hostage emotionally for so long. Doing that opened up so many possibilities. Did I find that girl? The one buried deep inside me? Nope. Not yet. But she is there. I have heard her whisper. I have seen a glimpse of her. So I know it is possible. I mean realistically I know she can never come back the way she was. We have been through too much. So she has changed. But to get even half of that back. Half of the old me ... it would be tremendous. And I am working on it. The breakthrough helped. Shaking the depression. Moving past the PPD. Still struggling some days. But way way WAY better. I guess so long as the movement is in a forward progression - things are good.

The past is the past. It does not always help to look back. That can hinder things. But only if you are stuck there. I think looking back helps. It helps you to decide how to shape your future. Which direction to go in. How to not make the same mistakes again. To chose differently. Here is a little glimpse into how our little world has changed over the last two years.

Lil'K has been through a diagnosis, is in the middle of receiving another one and has gone through a hand full of medicine changes. We are beginning to see some progress. Not as many angry days and way more emotionally stable days. I do not feel like I am being held hostage as often. She has found her inner cleaning diva. She loves to clean. It is usually a good indicator that she is having an up day. She will clean and rearrange my house room by room. I do have to say I can totally appreciate that little bug. Thank Big G someone in our little trio has the cleaning bug. She is still struggling in school. Not educationally, but socially. And it will begin to get to a point that the troubles will spill over into her school work if we cannot get it under control. Three months into the new year she will be 8. I forget sometimes that she is still just a baby. She is growing up so fast. So much of I have missed, even though I have been right here. The emotional issues have overshadowed her growth. The parts I should be enjoying. Turned so many occasions into disasters. Killed the joy and brought in anger, frustration and the desire to just run. To be so small she has enough demons in her tiny little head to level the most stable adult. I forget....she is my baby. We will get there. I know we will. Her hair has gone from curls to her waist to a pixie cut above her ears. She loves it. I miss the curls. It makes her look grown. I just want to rewind time and make her my little girl again.

Big'K has moved from junior high to high school. Beginning the transition into young woman. Learning to embrace her Asperger's ... both the gifts and the challenges. She is looking forward to college and already scouting where she wants to be after high school. She is so smart. And has such a bright future ahead of her, if she can only grasp the tools she needs in order to make that future happen. The young woman she is becoming is so special. It makes my heart smile. Her interest in anime is still strong and we are looking forward to hitting up A-Con in Dallas this year. Her responsibility at home is growing and she is taking it in stride. And learning so much. My heart aches at the prospect of her leaving home and not being able to take care of herself. So there are tons of learning opportunities of 'home ec' that we are exploring at home. Laundry. Dinner. Proper hygiene. It is a struggle at times, but she is getting there. I am just so proud of her. And similiar to Lil'K, I just want to rewind time and make her little again.

All in all our little world has been rocked in the last two years, but we are moving forward. This new year gives us the chance to change things. For me personally, bringing back that old girl. Write more because it helps me internally. Take more time for myself. Love who is inside, even if I do not like her very much. To concentrate more on my finances. To teach my girls how to handle money and the proper way to spend/save. Lessons we could all use. Take a hard look at who we are and love those people. Deal with the past and work through it in a positive manner. Take time to become closer. Appreciate our family, both my trio and the cousins that we have become so close to over the last few years. Embrace the bad times. Make happy memories. Be a better mother. Help the earth that we live on, and the people that inhabit it. Learn to live with each other. Accept our faults. Praise our differences. Grow emotionally. Do more good in the world. Spread joy. Learn patience. Bring peace to those around us. Look at the world, all of the people in it and learn to just love it - no matter what it throws at us.

My wishes are simple this year.

Peace, joy, light and love. Positive growth.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and a Fabulous New 2013!

May we all be blessed with more happiness, less grief, tons of love and the joy of finding ourselves!

The Joy That He Brings

2012-12-20T10:11:00.000-06:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

For the longest time I was scrooged at Christmas time. I just could not get into the spirit. Do not get me wrong, I loved the faces of my children opening gifts. The smell of the yummy baked goodies. Wonderful food at every house we visited. Gifts waiting for each of us. Celebrating the birth of sweet Baby J. The sights, sounds, smells and more importantly the reason were not lost on me.

I think the slow decent into Scroggery happened over the years. No one thing in particular. There was no straw that broke the reindeer's back. It just kind of... became. I will say that the commercial influence has contributed. Christmas crap in stores before Halloween is over. Music blaring before the turkey has been carved. These things have hurt Christmas for me.

This year money is tight, as is usually the case in my house. Single mom. Two kids. One paycheck family. And a fackin partridge in a burning bush. Or something like that. It just never seems to add up. Especially during the holidays. This year both of my children have three...count them, THREE gifts from me/Santa. I was a bit bummed. Then I checked my mail and my other mother (mother of The Surgeon) sent three boxes. Filled with gifts of varying sizes and shapes all neatly wrapped in their Christmas joy. Those three boxes meant the world. As they do every year. And every year I forget they are coming until they get here. This is a new thing. You see, The Surgeon is Lil'K's Godmother. 'Tse Nan as she has been affectionately coined in our world. Most of my family is Cajun. MahRah is Godmother in the cajun language. And she is small. So 'Tse is added to that. Most GM's in our family are Nan, NanNan, MahRah, Nanny or 'Tse Nan. She is a surgeon, hence the nickname, and at this point has no children. She was beyond delighted that she was titled with Lil'K's Godmother. In our family, your Nan is very important. There is always a bond there between them and the child. So a couple of years ago we started heading up to the Big D (Dallas for those of you NOT from the greatest state in the nation) and spending time during Christmas with my 'other' family. The last two years we have not been able to make it, and Mother of The Surgeon has sent packages. I cannot begin to tell you how appreciated it is. This year it made all the difference.

The fact that my children are only getting three things was really not what bummed me, as they have enough. And we are all well aware that there are millions out there with much less. It is just that I cannot give my children everything that I want to. That is what bums me out. But I am still happy with this year. I am OK. This year, the first time in many years, The Scrooge did not hit me. I was actually happy to see the holiday season slide in. So happy in fact, that my tree went up way before it usually does. I have friends whose tree goes up the day after Thanksgiving. Any given year we are lucky if ours goes up a week before Christmas. This year, I was all kinds of on top of the tree business. I did notice though, that this will probably be the last year for this particular tree. It is leaning. And in general just old. All of our ornaments are either handmade throughout the school years by the kids, or wooden ornaments that the three of us have painted. I love my little ghetto Charlie Brown tree. It is very fitting. Next year we will have to upgrade I fear.

I have made a decision this year, even with the un-Scrooged heart and Christmas present miracle. Next year I believe we are going on a trip. I have great memories of Christmas as a child. But the center of those memories would be the togetherness of my family. Not the presents, tree or even the food. It was that we were all together. I just feel that maybe next year a trip might would serve us better. We rarely get out of the house, nonetheless the state. I think it would be a great change of pace. All together. For the holidays.

This holiday season will find us at over half a dozen houses. Logging more than 300 miles on my car. And tons of hand stamped cards. But it will be enjoyable. And happy. Full of family and loved ones. Great food. Badly sung Christmas songs. And most importantly, the Joy of being together.

I do hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. No matter how you celebrate, who or what you believe in and where you will be.

Thank you YouTube!!

From My Little Trio to Your Family, With Love and

The Joy That HE Brings

A Sad Heart. An Anxious Mind.

2012-12-17T16:52:00.001-06:00

i have tried to stay out of it. i have tried to stay away from it. not have to read it. the pain. the senselessness. because i want to scream at people. because my verbal diarrhea may not be able to stop once it starts. because the words that want to come out of my mouth may not be nice. because it is hard to understand. i do not want my children to see the coverage. to have to explain why it makes mommies cry. why dropping them off this morning at school was so hard. why i have stayed off of my FB. because the posts are harsh. everyone attacking everyone else. and when something so horrible happens it seems those that need to grieve cannot get the chance. everyone jumps in from every angle. to dissect it. turn it around. point fingers. cast blame. why can we not take the time to just say we are sorry. to reach out and offer a shoulder. or share a tear. why does it always go back to the blame. the faults. i do not understand it. there are families that are hurting. parents who lost their children. and any day is horrible...but this close to Christmas is more painful. presents under trees. festivities planned. i could not imagine. and never want to.

this morning as Big'K walked to catch the bus i peeked out the blinds to make sure she was still standing there. the last words i said to her as she raced out the door were 'i love you'. just in case. dropping Lil'K off at school telling her the same thing. just in case. feeling like those needed to be the last words they heard. just in case. crying the entire way to work. hoping that my anxiety was just me being a mom. hoping that it would ease in the coming days. but knowing that right now it has a very firm hold on me. enough to make me take a second look out of the blinds and in my rear view at my children.

just in case.

those words make me cringe. they will keep me on edge until my fear subsides. and then we all sink back into our normal. but those families will never have a normal again. ever. all of those children who lost friends. the teachers who huddled in classrooms praying he did not make it to their room. the kids hiding while their teacher was shot. their families will forever be on edge. just in case. the unthinkable. it happens again. the fear will never leave them. neither will the anxiety.

feuds about gun control come out. if there were tighter gun control laws this would not have happened. people get up in arms about parents raising their children right. and 'right' is usually code for 'spanking' where i am from. whether praying at school is right. Big G in the hallways. taking Big G out of the education system caused this. reasons why leaving religion and education separate are better. debates on Big G. debates on mental illness. debates on autism. debates on single mothers and children of divorce. discussions on who is to blame. discussions on which guns are ok to own and which are not. how many bullets. enough bullets. not enough bullets. wrong kinds of bullets. sniper rifles. automatic guns. assault rifles. politicians rant and rave. television and print rushing to get the big scoop. or the first dibs on the latest news. statistics come out. again and again. people rush to attack. to blame. to point fault. everyone forgetting that this thing...these things... are people. children. babies. that have died. a brutal death. horrible death. instead of stopping and just shutting the hell up. sending condolences. saying you are sorry for their loss. doing something. other than sitting high and mighty upon their chair shouting statistics. harmful blame. fucking. do. something. ensure the nation that you know it needs to change. but right now...it needs to mourn. and grieve. and be sad. and quiet. just quiet.

the only thing we as a nation should hear after such a tragedy is love. hope. encouragement. sorrow. mourning. patience. and more love.

i have friends that are saying things that shock me. things that make me cringe. things that have kept me off of FB and out of the social media ring. because i do not want to be 'that' person. the one that explodes. that loses her schmidt. drops her basket. goes karaaazy. times like these make me happy i do not have t.v. but even without t.v. news is everywhere. and with all this access and increased exposure it is the negativity that reigns supreme. and it is sad.

these are the things i know. whether they are opinions, lessons learned, things taken from my life or even actual educated facts.

- autism is not a mental illness. but an autistic child may have a secondary issue that is a mental illness. i will not say that autistic children are not violent. they can be. i will not say that they could not concoct a plan such as the one that happened. autism is a spectrum. it is just as different at one end as the other. unless you are autistic you do not know what they are or are not capable of.
- just because you work with autistic children and during your time with them they are fine. you are not living with them day in and out. home is way different than what you see in your time with them. you never know what is happening at home. good or bad. so just because you work with them does not mean you totally understand.
- mental illness is not talked about enough. it is still looked at as shameful. and cursed. it is not brought into the light. it is looked at as bad parenting. well you know what? go to hell. i have a 7 year old that is bi-polar. and there is a good chance there are other things in there as well. my parenting? is just fine. and until you have raised a child with mental illness you can fuck off.
- gun laws only keep guns out of the hands of the good. the bad will always find a way to get what they want. and who cares if i have an arsenal in my freaking basement. you know what? my children know how to use guns. they are fearful of them. and educated about them. i grew up with guns. and even in my teen angst never thought to grab one and hurt someone. i drove to school where one out of every three trucks had a gun rack FILLED with guns. still loaded. and no one ever shot anyone. because we were educated about guns. we knew what they did. to living things. at our hands. not on the computer or television.
- someone who wants to be violent will find a way. whether it is a car, a bomb, a knife, guns, drugs, alcohol, biologic weapons. they will find a way.
- yes, guns do make it easier to hurt others. it is a simple squeeze of a trigger. a knife would take longer. a bomb goes wider and is more destructive. a car driven through the front door would have killed too. just because it is easier does not mean it will be their only option.
- when someone runs over someone else the car company is not expected to be on the red line. i know. guns do not kill people. "but guns in the hands of people kill people". you are right. just as a keyboard at a computer does not kill anyone. but one jacked up fucker on one end and you have a 14 year old hanging their self in the closet. a weapon can be anything. think i am being ridiculous? i was in the military. i bet i could take you out with about a dozen different things right here in my cubicle at work. not because i am violent, but because i have been trained to use objects other than their intended purpose. i am not a killer. this three hole punch is not a killer. but it is a weapon.
- raising your child 'right' is different for everyone. i do not care if you spank. i do not care if you time out. so long as there is not abuse you need to do what works for your child and your family.
- taking Big G out of the schools did not cause this. i believe. but i have tons of friends that do not. ya know what? who facking cares. pray if you wanna pray. do not if you do not. everyone is different. so let them be. let us try something different...taking the respect out of school has contributed. how about them apples? respect. and proper public behaviour. there ya go. chew on that one for a minute.

this whole thing makes me angry. just plain ass angry. so i have stayed out of it. because i am an aries. and i am emotional. and all i really wanna scream is for everyone to just shut the fuck up. especially those on t.v. and in media. shut up. and say you are sorry. send out words of sympathy. debate another day.

and be quiet.

My November Gratitude Post

2012-12-04T12:38:00.002-06:00

Below are my thankful posts. I chose to post to my facebook instead of doing daily blogs here. It was just easier to post there. I have compiled all my days of thanks posts into this one blog post. I have had to go through and edit to keep identities anonymous. As on fb I just tagged everyone. Most of my friends do not know about my blog. I have not written anything that would offend them, but I still try to keep my words here separate from my life there. Matter of fact that is something I have been struggling with. Do I keep them separate? I am wanting to grow here and get bigger and eventually that will lead to IRL friends stumbling upon my little snafu'd world here. Which really, anyone with any kind of stalking ability could have already found me. And they have, but family and close friends are different than trolls. Anysecretidentity, during my thankful time there was a period where the entire freaking family had the death plague. Which was NO fun. We had a couple of get togethers with the cousins. And just in general my life played out through my thankful posts. I stopped on Turkey Day as opposed to the end of the month. We got busy and then my internets tanked. I hope you enjoy. And that you had just as much to be thankful for...

And it starts----
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OK. I am a day late on my November gratitude.

Yesterday ... I am thankful that both of my children are in school and I have a job...us being separated for the day saves my sanity.

Today...I am thankful for my right and freedom to vote. Without being harassed (other than on Facebook by the BNB clan) or suicide bombed on my way to the polls.
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Day 3 - I am thankful for my best friends. Yeah. That's plural. I am so thankful that I have more best friends than most people have acquaintances.
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Day 4 - today i am thankful that i have a car. That i can afford to pay for...most of the time. That runs and gets me where i need to go. That keeps me safe. I am thankful for easy to wipe off seats ...especially when the bottle of chocolate milk that my child shoved under the seat explodes making me scream like a little girl and check myself for bullet holes.
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Day 5 - today I am thankful for attitude. Yep. You heard right. I would much rather hear it to my face than walk around thinking everything is fine...and it is not.

Brought to you by Lil'K
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I would like to do a Night 5 post.

I am thankful for working in hospitals. Whose labs and walk-across-the-hall-to-the-e.r.-back-door, combined with the latest kit test invention allowed me to self diagnose and get treated within minutes. Which service i would be using right now to determine if what i am suffering from at this moment is infact death. Or the plague. Stomach aids. Or rhinitonsilsno

twateryeyeitchyearneedmoregatoradefeellikedeathitis. Whose long nights not only taught me about medical symptoms that made me gag, but further worsened the insomnia i already have.

The insomnia i am thankful for because without i would miss every. Single. Fackin. Noise. The night has to offer. Including but not limited to the eleventybazillion cars driving around. My daughter breathing like a serial killer. The tree frogs singing out my window (please dont let them get me!!) And many other fabulous noises.

On a for reals...i appreciate my time in band with Pattycake. Because it gave me a taste for yellow gatorade. The drink that NEVER fails me in my time of need.

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Day 6 - Today I am thankful for my right to vote. Which I have already done. Have you?

On a side note I do not care who you vote for. Just vote. That is what is important. Also...I am so. freaking. glad. this will all be over. I never knew how crappy some of my friends on fb could be until this election season was upon us. I do hope that you don't show the same crappiness if your candidate loses.

I already know mine will...and you don't see me ranting and raving, calling names or being just plain un-American. Grow up peeps. I chose to use my right to shut up during all of this.

P.S. If you get offended and think this is directed at you, you better get right with yourself. Because I am not talking about who you think I am.

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Day 6.a - Today I am also thankful for my job. And the people that I work with. Our willingness to cover each other when needed. Like today. When I feel like I am knocking on deaths door. I work for a small company. One that I believe in. Our boss is amazing, as are the workers. I am definitely blessed and thankful for BPRI.

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Night 6 - I am thankful for depends.

i have laid in bed since i got home early from work yesterday. Other than my trip for more gatorade, cough drops and depends. If you have to ask why that combo...then you obvs have a normal bladder. I am still running a fever. Freezing to death and burning up. My brain feels like it may explode and all i want is for it to stop. To add insult to injury everyone on fb have lost their minds.
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Day 7- today i am thankful for the gadgets i have. The washer and dryer to have clean sheets and undergarments. My stove to cook chicken noodle soup. My t.v. to keep me entertained while said sheets are washing for what seems like an eternity. My fridge to keep the gatorade cold. My cell phone to keep me in touch with the outside my house world. Is it strange that i am craving pecan pie?

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Day 8 - i am thankful for indoor plumbing. As Lil'K thinks she needs to shower every. single. time. she hurls. Which has been approximately 42 times this morning. And for the same plumbing that brings in fresh water to run the washer to wash towels. Dear Big G save us now. This is going to be the longest week ever.

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Day 9 - Today I am thankful for my health. Which has obviously been tested to the max for the last four days. But it shows me that normally I am a pretty healthy person. I am still not feeling up to par yet. But hopeful that by Sunday I will be close to back to normal. Big'K seems to be feeling better as well just weak. And Lil'K surprised us with a 24 hour stomach virus Thursday morning.

Week from hell. That is all.

But by-golly I'm Thankful!!!

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Night 9 - I am thankful for my ability to keep down the hot dog I ate for dinner. Other than eggs this morning and yesterday morning, and a whopping three bowls of homemade chicken noodle soup over the last two days...that hot dog was the only other solid this body has seen since Tuesday morning. And let me tell you...when this 'used to 2000 calories a day' ass has barely eaten 1000 in four days things start getting a little dicey. So although it was not much or the healthiest thing...I am uber grateful for that frank. As should everyone I have to come in contact with should be. I honestly have no idea how we all made it out of Walmart alive this evening given my state of hunger.

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Night 9.a -

I am totally regretting my dinner choice. And the fact that my tums are MIA is not helping.

P.S. I will totally be thankful for sleep and give the sandman his dues if I could get some sleep tonight. Just saying.

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Day 10 - Today I am thankful for the Marines (Happy Birthday by the way!!) I am also thankful for the Army, Navy, Air Force and yes...even the Coast Guard (hehe kidding!!! Not about being thankful of course, but about putting you last). That is all.

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Day 10.2 - Today I am thankful I am alive. The last couple of days it was touch and go at times. But I can honestly say I do feel somewhat more human today, as do the kids. There are no more unneeded loads of towels and undergarments, excessive showering spells, coughing is down to a minimum and for the love of Big G - NO MORE DEPENDS needed people! Today is a good day. I know like so many I wake

up and tend to start preparing for what the day has stacked against me without taking the time to realize the most simplest of things... I. woke. up.

So today I am going to take an extra minute to do just that. Be happy that I am alive. The wind is nice and blowy (yes that is a term). The sky is just a tad bit overcast, cause I am still hot (somethings will never change). And take the girls for a drive. To get a little fresh air after being stuck in the house for five days.

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night 10 - i am thankful for my shows. When i am feeling down or alone or hopeful or happy or even like singing...and i look and there is a new episode. And it makes me happy. For that episode everything else in this world fades. And there is just...happy.
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Day 11 - Today I am thankful for my time in the Army. I am thankful for each and every person I met and friend I made. These are people that I could depend on for anything. There were some great times and tough times shared, even though they seem like forever ago. I am a better person for knowing each and every one of you. Thank you for giving your time. Making a conscience decision to sign up and

serve. Thank you for being willing to put on that uniform. Whether you served 12 months or 30 years; served overseas or here at home; officer or enlisted; blow things up or save lives; you are a veteran. I appreciate each one of you and your families.

And to all who have served past, present and future in all branches, especially those who have given the ultimate sacrifice....THANK YOU.

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Night 11 - Today I am also thankful for social media. It has allowed me to stay connected with so many that I would not have otherwise had the opportunity to keep up with. So many of my friends and classmates from high school, even a few from college. My awesome kick ass battle buddies from the Army and various other coworkers. Nevermind the wonderful bloggers that I adore and admire. It has opene

d up the world to me. I have made new friends that are here at all hours of the day and night without fail. It has broadened my view of the world and introduced me to cultures that I knew nothing about. I have learned so much about so many things. It sparks my interest and gives me new crafts. It has done quite a bit of bad...but the good and the people it has connected me with are priceless.

I sure am gonna be pissed when the apocalypse hits and my internet goes down.

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Day 12 - Today I am thankful for cooler weather. Yes it is true. Even though I have lived in Texas for most of my life I am NOT a hot weather person. And in Recent years the hot flashes and menopause have made it ten times worse. So while others hate it...I love the cold.

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Day 13 - Today I am thankful for my cousins. Cousins are the first best friends (or worst enemies) you ever have. And heaven knows I have a shitton of cousins. I was blessed on my mom's side to be bringing up the trail end of the generation. I had so many older cousins to look up to. There were many weekends spent at the lake or a cousins house. Summers were the best. They were just old enough to

keep me without my parents worrying but young enough to still be fun! My dad's side saw one summer where the first girls were born in 20 years...and boy did we do that summer up right. 1976 saw three of the most precious awesome little girls EVAH! Those were my first best friends. In the last couple of years I have gotten so close to the cousins on the PapaofLoco side. I am so proud to call them my friends. I love each and every one of you.

In honor of cousins...I want to wish a huge Sweet 16 Princess!!!! to Biggest'K. I love you man. Happy Birthday from me and Lil'K, and Big'K just shouted out WOLFPACK!!

Tried to tag everyone...but man I have a lot of cousins. If I didn't grab you know I love you!!!!

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Day 13.2 - Keeping with the family theme. I am so thankful for my Aunts and Uncles. They can be just as loud, crazy and funny as we can. They actually LIKE to come and hang out with us when we get together. They love us. They think we are special, in more than one way. They laugh with us and at us. They are great for late night calls and life questions. They are always there...and carry on the leg

acy of our grandparents. Teach us how a family is supposed to love. And cook!! I love my aunts and uncles and all my family. I am so thankful that my parents chose me to share them with.

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Day 13.c - Today I am thankful for my brother. He is crazy, funny, silly and hi-fn-larious. He is one of the sweetest souls I know. There is so much love and care in that heart. I miss him since he has moved away. I got so used to jumping over to Galveston for a visit. We have become closer as adults and I love it. My girls think he hung the moon and stars. One of my first memories EVER is of going to pick LilBro up from Edna Gladney. He was such a stinker but I still loved his little fat head.

I love love love you lil bro. My sweet Matty.

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Day 14 - I am thankful for stupid people. I am not talking about uneducated vs. educated. Or unteachable. Or really even ignorant. Just plain ole stupid ass people. They help me keep my perspective. They provide great teaching moments. They show me that I am smarter than I think I am. They make for awesome entertainment. I know they cannot help it. Bless their little hearts.

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Day 15 - Today I am thankful for car horns. They are important. They alert other drivers to danger. Let us know that our car is locked. Alert us to where our car is in the parking lot when we lose it. Which for me has become more and more frequent. It can signal someone that we are at their house, ready to pick them up. Get an animal to move out of the way and not get run over. There are many uses for our horns. However, if ONE more facking person honks at me because I did not turn as soon as they would like, or take off from a stop light quick enough...that horn will be used as a body part. And everytime they pass gas their ass will sing.

Then End.

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Day 16 - Today I am thankful for Big'Ks father. A little over fifteen years ago he gave me one of the best things in my entire life. A wonderful intelligent creative beautiful child. She has made my life so much better. He made my life so much better for giving me the best parts of him wrapped up into a great kid. He was strong courageous smart caring loving funny and fine as hell. I see his crook

ed smile in hers; his dry humor in her jokes; her big ass feet are so much like his; the way his face would transform into pure glee everytime he laughed when she laughs; he was amazing...and so is she. He would have been 38 today. He was far too young in 2001 when he passed. At the tender age of 26 he left behind a daughter he had never met and only spoken to once. He has never left my mind. Ever.

So thank you good sir. For giving me the best parts of you. And loving her from afar. I am reminded of you every. single. day. in your daughter. Sending much love your way...

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Day 17 - Today i am thankful for naps. Naps that help little bodies grow as well as reset the behavior meter. Naps that give mom quiet time, if she so chooses to take it. Naps that mommy can take with her sweet little girl. Warm cozy beds and light blocking curtains. When your phone does not ring and no one texts you. Naps that big girls can enjoy. When you wake up and feel like you just slept all night.

Naps that other big girls can take so they will not be so cranky tonight for Biggest'Ks Sweet 16 Princess party.

August...did you take your nap princess??

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Day 18 - I am thankful that other than colds or minor issues...all of my kids are well. They may have their set of problems but they are alive, well, and do not have any life or death problems. So many moms and dads have to struggle with their kids' health. I have seen friends have to make trip after trip to the hospital and suffer through trying to do everything financially, emotionally and physi

cally to keep their children safe and well. My thoughts and prayers are always with these families. For those that have older parents or grandparents as well. Watching your parents get older is scary. So to all of those caregivers of children and parents, I hope your holidays are good despite your struggles. The holidays can be so hard when someone in your family is sick.

So today, even when they drive me crazy, I am so thankful my kids are well. Thank you Big'K, Lil'K, Mid'K, Lil'R, and Big'R for being you. Thank you to the BFF for helping to keep them well with all your hoodoo. lmao. I wouldn't know what to do without all of you...just as you are. Even if it is trying at times.

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Night 18 - Tonight I am thankful for the hot cocoa that I obliterated my tastebuds on. Grey's Anatomy that makes me happy when I get the chance to sit down and watch it. And the peace inside I get knowing that my children are safe and sound at BFF's house when I have to go to work and they are out of school. There is no where else I feel safer with them being.

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Day 19 - Today I am thankful or my job. At a time when employment is questionable for so many I am gainfully employed. I work for a small business that does good. Our main mission is to help others through the life saving plasma we draw. I love my co-workers (other than cranky days after the cowboys lose haha), and my boss. I love what this business does. I love that I make a check and can pay for (most of) my bills on a monthly basis lol.

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Night 19 - I am thankful for made from scratch German chocolate cake and icing. Yummy!!!!!!!

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Day 20 - Today I am thankful for vacation time. The next four days are going to be awesome!!!! Filled with tons of food, family, and friends. THOSE are the best times. And the biggest things to be thankful for.

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Day 21 - Today I am thankful for LOVE. For that old love your great aunt has in her voice when she talks about her sweetheart long gone. For young love that sends teenagers into the giggles. Long lost love that was rekindled. The fierce love of a mother for her children. The giddy love that makes you call your closest of close and let them know you are engaged. For love between friends and family. The love that only your soul mate knows. Puppy love. Guncle love. Every love.

ALL you need is love.

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Night 21 - Heading to bed after a great day. I am so so so thankful for the many ways I am blessed. Tomorrow is going to be awesome. Looking forward to seeing friends, family, food and football. Four of my five favorite F words.

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I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. We all have so much to be thankful for, even in some of the darkest hours. I sincerely hope each and every one of you have a wonderful day. If you have the luxury of being with family and friends today enjoy it. If you have to work, I have been there and I appreciate what you do so that I can enjoy my day. I am blessed to have my family and friends in my life. I know I may bitch a lot...but I am happy and each one of you has a part in that. LOVE you all.

To all my friends overseas who cannot be home with their families, YOU are the reason we are able to do all of these wonderful things. THANK YOU. You are missed and thought about often.

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That was pretty much the end. Between the internets facking up and my life in general it just got dropped to the side. Which was probably a great thing because Lil'K was switching meds during the end of November and well...it was not nice. I will say though, some of the best parts were the comments under my Gratitude posts. I have some of the best friends and their comments were priceless at times.

I do hope each and every one of you had a wonderful 11th month. That you had tons of things to be thankful for...even when it seemed like there was no light to shine through the dark. I do know that I am blessed. Even with all the little things that make my life the snafu'd mess it is.

A Month of Thankful

2012-11-14T16:02:00.003-06:00

i am actually participating in a month of thankful. the only difference is...i am doing it through my facebook. when my month is over i will copy paste everything over here into one big ass blog post of thankful.

and yes. i am still alive. this last few months have been very .... testing. to say the least. we have had ARDs and BIPs and 'pick this crazy kid up from school because we cannot handle her ass' days. and then i had the virus "death brain cough up my spleen 104 fever i am gonna freaking meet my maker" virus. you know the one. for an entire week. i am still not quite back to where i am normally. actually today i am feeling a little bleck. nothing in particular stands out. just not right.

i have still been reading. faithfully. just have not really posted. i am seriously trying to change that. i have this problem though. i know so many great bloggers that will jot notes or do a message to their voicemail for ideas on posts. well see, my head is always full of great posts. but when the head is churning things out... my ability to sit down and blog is not always there. i have tried to pull out my nifty phone and record my words as they are flowing from the noggin. but when i go back and try to make it into a post, the feelings are gone. and so much of my writing is based on the feeling at that time. the funny, the sad, the silly. that is where my inspiration comes from. my feelings. that is where most of my posts come from. whatever i am feeling at that time. or not feeling as the case may be.

i want to be a better writer. i am a good writer. i know this. i have been. and i am not being crappy. but i want to be a blogger. maybe that is the proper statement to make. when i started this blog i did not care about numbers. about visits. and people reading. i still really kind of do not. i could care less if i only had three regular visitors. but i do like knowing that other people are reading. maybe even commenting. so i have been trying harder to share on twitter. i do not share on my facebook because that is a more 'people i know in the now' space. and this is more of a ... get shit out of my head space. and i do not always want the same people reading both areas. but i have been trying to drive a little more traffic my way. and it has been working. i just really wanna do a couple of blogging conventions. meet some of these wonderful people i read. learn from them. but that requires finances...that i obvs as a single mom do not have. but i will work on it. seriously for next year.

for now. you will all just have to deal with the drivel that i manage to plunk out on any given day. and i do appreciate you reading.

i really really do.

When Something Calls To You

2012-09-10T20:49:00.001-05:00

i consider myself a fairly new blogger. i have only been at it a few years. i have found tons of bloggers that i love. i look forward to reading every day. i log into my reader and see they have a post and get happy. i think this blogging world gives us a chance to connect to people we not normally have the opportunity to know. the blogosphere is full of all types. there are superstars. and newbies. foodies, crafters and general home makers. those that have spoken about things that are taboo. mental illness is exposed. differences are celebrated. women (and men) can help. take control. change the outcome of issues. bloggers have become a tool. and not the losertypetool. the tool that can build, change and repair. one of the things that goes hand in hand with bloggers are conferences. there are many types. specific genres. specific areas. large. small. everything in between. i have thought about going to a couple. even bought tickets. airfare. and everything that goes with the package. then the money issue hit. as it always does. and i had to sell off the tickets, refund my airfare and let go of the experience that was to be my first conference.

i was devastated. upset. i had been so excited about it. but it always seems to be the money. there is also the matter of kids. leaving them is hard. but there are things that are worth it. meeting these ladies. the bloggers. what a great way to further your blog. whether or not you have a 'brand'. or a mission. just meeting these other kindred souls in the wide world of blogs in person. hearing their stories. that experience. learning the ropes. being pulled in and loved and shown the way. making connections. i was going to miss all of this.

i am not a big blogger. i am just now getting what i consider decent traffic. which to a 'serious' blogger is a drop in the bucket. but i want to change that. i want to grow. i am a single mother. with two children. one of which is Asperger's and another is bi-polar. blogging is my outlet. whether or not anyone is listening. it is a place for me to connect with other bloggers. to share stories. triumphs. defeats. and everything in between. and i love my small space. i just feel that one of the best ways for me to grow is to attend a conference. to get in those circles. and learn from those that i look up to.

then something came up on the radar. but it was different. a conference. but not. a non conference. maybe this is more my speed. and low and behold...it is coming from one of my favorite bloggers. anissa. i have watched her struggles. i read her blog and was her fan before the strokes. before her triumph. while she was still kicking her beautiful baby's cancer in the taco. someone i have followed for so long. oh could i squeak it? would it be possible?!? oh hey there is a discount. yay! but with the driving. and the room, even with the discount, with food and someone to keep the kids. it just adds up. looks like it is going to be another bomb out. heartbroken again. but hey. what is this? sponsorship? yessss. by The Pioneer Woman and Simply Sassy Media Network. how great. you see. here is the deal. all you have to do is write about why you want it. why you should get it.

but why do i want it? simply...for the connection. the advice. the wisdom.
why should i get it? because you would be giving an opportunity to someone who would love it. and cherish it. and give it big squishy hugs.

these conferences...or non-con's as the case may be... are a tool. one that i would love to have in my arsenal. and because it calls to me. pushes me to want more. and grow more. share more. connect more. be more.

funny how a little round table time with amazing women can do that huh?

21 Years and a Rental Car

2012-08-18T21:26:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a day. in some ways it was a good day. in other ways it was a bad day. the BFF is in town. which already made it a good weekend. i was looking forward to my Friday. because i knew that i would get to spend some time with her. and the kids would get to see each other. it has been a while and everyone has been wanting to see each other.

the down part of the day is that i had an appointment with the car dealership for my car friday morning. i had been arguing with them about the issue i was having. you see, i loathe my local dealership(LD). it is not my selling dealership(SD). their customer service is for shit. they always talk to me like i am stupid. they are horribly unaccommodating. rude. not sympathetic at all. just all around douchenuggets. i would much rather take my car to my selling dealership. they are so very nice. and everything else that the local is not. i wanted a loaner car while my car was in the shop. apparently no one does that anymore. and with my schedule heading to the selling dealership is not an option. they are an hour away. so i sucked it up after talking the both GM's of the dealerships and just made an appointment. it was at 9 in the morning. have i mentioned i am not a morning person? ok good. on the same page.

THE DEALERSHIP DEBACLE
i made it to the dealership a little early. which was fine. i just surfed the internet on my phone and visited with the BFF. i walked into the service department at 10 minutes till and went ahead and had them start pulling up my information. this was the beginning of the end. i go sit in the waiting area (because without a loaner i cannot leave) and grab a magazine. after about three minutes the guy comes out and tells me that my car is not under warranty. and shows me a paper that says my powertrain warranty had expired at 60,000 miles. which only happens if you buy your car used. which i did not. buying it new would earn you a 100,000 mile warranty. i tell him i bought it new. it had 87 miles on it. most of which i put on it test driving it. well the paper says what it says so there is nothing he can do. so i follow him to his desk. well how are you pulling up the car? pull it up by the VIN# and see how it comes up. well we do not do it that way. we pull it up by vin + name + mileage. ok fine. but try just under the vin. nope. not gonna happen. so i go outside and get on the phone with the selling dealership. according to pedro at the local, only the selling dealership can contact the corporation right out to have something fixed. the SD of course has never heard that. and are apologizing profusely for my troubles. the LD has had tons of complaints on them apparently. and the SD is very familiar with them. people drive the hour to get better service all the time. i head outside to talk on the phone and get everything straightened out. now...this is where my idea of customer service is horribly out of whack. in my opinion the right thing to do is to apologize for the trouble and offer to go on ahead and diagnose the car while i am trying to get everything straightened out. but do they? nope. not only do they not, they refuse to even touch the car until the find out if the powertrain is still covered. the SD offers to go ahead and diagnose it if i would like to drive out there. an hour. umm no. not today bucky. so i leave. while getting everything figured out i went ahead and brought my car to a local transmission shop. i thought that my trans was having trouble. my engine sounded like it was revving. not going into overdrive out of fourth gear. i am a woman. i have not worked on cars in a very long time. i am out of practice with car noises. give me some credit. while at the shop i found out that it was not my transmission after all. i had a bearing going out. great. so now not only is my car making a noise. it is actually unsafe to drive. yay. at this point the warranty issue is figured out. when the corporation entered my info they spelled my last name wrong. to which the woman responds that had they just looked it up by the vin, they would have seen my name sounded the same but was just mispelled. then we could have entered it in the wrong way and boom. things fixed. so i call pedro back and inform him that it is a bearing. ooooh he says. yeah. i know. i ask him can i just bring it back in today, nope. he can make me an appointment. for next tuesday. well that doesn't work for me. so next friday it is. which i am not happy about. because helloooooo my car is now a rolling death trap. whatever. i head home. to the BFF's house. where we decide to head to town to grab a few things. mostly minutes without five children running around.

THE RENTAL CAR
on our way to town we visited and she talked me down from all the car stress. we reveled in the fact that we were alone. no kids. and we giggled like only grown women who know how special having a best friend is can. while we were deciding where to head first i had slowed down coming up to a light that had turned from red to green. my foot was off the brake. but all of a sudden my car lurches. i look at her, did it just do that? well it did. but maybe i did have my foot on the brake. but i go ahead and turn right and head into a parking lot. that way if it was not me and my car really is missing up, i will not be on a road and get hit. after i get into the parking lot it does it again. great. so we go ahead and stop at the store we were heading for. go inside and get things handled. then head back out to the car. i decide we should try to make it one parking lot over to a local coffee shop. once inside i call my roadside assistance and get a tow truck coming. out of pocket on money. then i get a rental coming my way. out of pocket on money. normally this would not have been a problem as BFF and hubby have two cars. but one of theirs is down right now. so a rental is a must. then arrange everything to get the car to the dealership. i call pedro and let him know the car is coming. that my car was lurching and acting as if the wheel wanted to seize. he will work on it first thing monday a.m. well thanks pedro. how nice of you.

needless to say i am totally out of money. which is not cool. and my car note did not get paid because of having to pay for the rental and tow. but really what else should i expect? it is common knowledge i have a snafu'd world.

the day ended great though. the BFF and i had a great day together. even with the debacle. went for a wonderful sushi dinner and had tons of free time. Big'K even cooked for all the kidlets so by the time the bigs made it home the littles had eaten. awesome.

WHEN YOU RELEASE THE PAST
in the midst of all of this. it never occurred to me what day it was. i even had to say the date a few times. august 17th. yes august 17th. uh huh august 17th. why yes, yes it is august 17th. usually this is a day i count down to. for the last two decades i have counted down. starting usually in june. most definitely in july. and not really counting down as in 39, 38, 37...but more of an emotional countdown. an i know it is getting closer countdown. an i need to get prepared countdown. but this year not so much. last year, the 20 year mark hit me hard. harder than most of the ones before. and something clicked. or changed. or broke. or released. i am not sure. but it did happen. and for a while i have been wondering if it really made a difference. yes i have been able to let go of a lot of material things from my house. yes i have felt not as drug down. but this year it is almost as if i forgot. now do not get me wrong. i will never truly 'forget'. a motherless daughter does not forget that she has lost her mother. she never forgets that woman. her heart never forgets. her mind never forgets. but for lack of a better word, this year, i forgot. i forgot that TODAY was august 17th. emotionally i never felt it. so whatever happened last year, it really did make a difference. i took the time last night to remember. my Lil'Bro texted me. and we visited for a bit. he still remembers. with all of his emotions. maybe he needs to let something go. i feel like i let the rage and bitterness and anger go. and it changed me. inside at least. so i was able to remember. and not cry. just laugh. and reminisce. and it was nice. for the first time in more than half my life i was not sad on august 17th. i just was. and that is great.

Rapid Cycles

2012-07-20T20:18:00.000-05:00

i call this a disease. and it is. she is sick. but not sick where you can see it. she is sick on the inside. and sometimes the illness you cannot see is worse than the one you can.

today was supposed to be a good day. it is friday after all. payday friday at that. and friday for us means a trip to the bookstore. payday friday means getting a book at the bookstore. and usually eating out. plus just in general fun hanging with the BFF and the rest of the littles. we love fridays. i live for them. they are a break. and fun. and who can resist books really? it started out a little different than our other fridays. the plumber stopped by. at 7:30 in the morning. so mom had to be up early. cause really, i need the plumber to come back. so it was important that i was dressed and had my teeth brushed, lest he not return to complete the work. Lil'K was up early too. but she had her meds. and we have learned in the last few months. early meds mean a happier family. after he left we all showered and hit the town. the car was cleaned out before we left by Big'K and Lil'K even helped. i could tell already...this was going to be a great friday indeed. that thought alone should have been my warning. we loaded up and hit the free car vacuum down the road. got the car vacuumed pretty well. until we all thought we would die of heat exhaustion/sweating too much. this is texas by the way. and it is july after all. Lil'K was already starting to talk about food. no worries. we were going to get the oil changed and then head to eat. have i not mentioned what happens when she gets hungry? ah. ok. well let me explain. Lil'K + hungry - fast enough response by mom = FULL ON PSYCHOSIS. yep. it does. always has. and today would be no exception. we were barely making it pulling into the restaurant parking lot. the proverbial 'food to belly' countdown was on. and we were running out of time. this lunch was special. the case worker from Lil'K doctor was meeting us there. party of the observations they do on children with mental illness. and i had to get her fed. pronto. prior to the case worker getting there. it was crucial. Big G was on our side and the food hit the belly before the case worker made it to the table.

i had not wanted to meet the case worker. i usually keep them at bay with phone calls. why? because Lil'K does not do well with strangers. specifically strangers that are there for her. that have questions. and expect answers. luckily the case worker could tell things were going south when Big'K excused herself with Lil'K and headed to the bathroom. when they came back the biggest was carrying a teary eyed little. and the case worker was smart enough to realize this was her exit stage left.

the mood improved as we hit the book store. books were bought and it was time to meet up with the BFF at the other less favorite bookstore that we are forced to go to because our favorite one no longer has chairs. things were still going good. we all had a great time. the momma's got to visit and the littles got to run around and have fun. Lil'K was starting to get hungry so we decided it was time to head to eat. we chose a local pizza buffet that is cheap. walking in BFF gave the three littlest five quarters. this is where it all began.

this is where this

ended in this

you see our local pizza buffet only takes tokens. and the token machine only took quarters. but as luck would have it a couple of machines took the quarters anyway. Lil'R and Mid'K spent their quarters a little wiser. and ended up with trinkets. Lil'K however did not. and this started the beginning of the end. in her frustration she did what she has done the last two times. she purposely peed in her pants. ruining the rest of our evening. to make a long story a little shorter this was the point that her and i had to head home. because she was full scale meltdown. reference picture above. on the way home she was very remorseful. as she always is after she calms down and realizes the fault is hers. these are the moments that are so hard for me as the parent. as the mom. she cycles so rapidly that we cannot plan for anything. days that we think are going to be great end in disaster. and when you think it is going to be horrible we are surprised and have a wonderful day. this is where the mom in me wants to take it away. wants to fix it. but at the same time is angry. and just wants it to stop. does not understand why. why can she not see that if she would just keep it under control everything would be fine. why can she not see that she is what is standing in her way.

she is sick. but just on the inside. and when others see her version of ill come out it makes me look like a bad mother. and that is one of the most horrible parts of this illness. because people do not see a sick child. because she looks fine. they see an out of control child. and a mother that is doing nothing. they do not understand though. if a child has asthma you do not spray chemicals or make them dust. it makes their illness worse. when a child is bipolar you do not engage. it makes them worse. it is a special disease. it is invisible. except for when it is not. and even then it is misunderstood. or hard to understand. either way...it is our life. one that we struggle through.

Is It Time for an Upgrade

2012-07-19T17:09:00.001-05:00

i have been thinking a lot about my blog. lately, with all of the hooplah at the house, i have not been as good about blogging. but i would like to get out there more. you see, i never set out with the intent of a huge follower base. i just set out to write. i am very thankful for the three people that read and comment (ok ok there are more), but my main reason for being here was just to be. to get things out of my head. to talk it out. even if it is just out in the internets. and i enjoy it. i have been trying to decide if i want to upgrade. do i want to stay here on blogger or move to wordpress. i know either way i go, i want to get away from the me.someoneelse.com and more to just me.com. i think that is a natural progression. with growing comes more readers. and i know that also. the problem is what i write is not always happy. and i do try to be nice. but sometimes i can rant. i also have been more open about my children and their issues. my issues. emotions. and just tons of other things that say...my family...does not want/need to hear. once you go big, you go big. which would mean i think i would actually start putting my blog out there. and that makes me a tad nervous. so for now i am holding off. and just mulling it over. if i decide to head to wordpress i would miss my followers here and the ease of posting. but i feel there are a ton more options on the wp end. i am so rooted in google. i have so much other behind the scenes other than my blog tied up into google. so i really do hate to leave. i am just not sure where to turn on the blog front.

my brain says right now stay where i am. upgrade within google. and go from there. but the 'i want my stuff to grow' says head to word press. have you moved? did you make a huge blog switch? what was your motivation?

Mid Life Acceptance

2012-07-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

mid life crisis. i think that is the point in your life where you realize you have to be an adult. and there is no going back. no being a kid. and honestly there has not been any resemblance of kid left for quite a while. the day to day has gotten to you. the job, the bills, the kids, the spouse...life. it has a way of getting to you. moving through you. when you are a kid you try so hard to be grown. count down the days to being 13. being a teen. then 16. driving. then 18. graduating. you try so hard to get there. cannot wait. each day like a sentence in prison. and you cannot wait to be free. and then suddenly you are. free. or so you think. but you are not really. everything that you thought was bad and could not wait to end...those were actually the good times. but they are over. and now...adulthood. those awesome times you could not await. the lucky ones have had a great childhood. filled with love. and kindness. for others...well the end of childhood signals freedom from horrible things. but this is not a post for that. this is about those who make it through for the most part unscathed. and it is time for growth. for forward movement. for some it is time for work. others head off to college. the military. going abroad. the options are endless. all you have to do is make a choice. each year there are more choices. you do what you think is the best. you make the choices that seem to fit. and then next thing you know it happens. it all catches up. maybe all those choices were the best options. maybe they were not. either way you begin to feel like it is all over. when the house and kids and decisions weigh in on you. when the burden starts to become heavy. whether you have a great life. or a crappy one. whether you are rich or poor. none of that matters when your shoulders start to bend under the pressure.

my MLC happened in the beginning of my 30's. the dreaded thirtieth birthday. was not a big deal for me. so many people have it as a milestone. one that brings distress. not me. i was happy to finally be 30. in my family that means you are grown. you no longer have to sit at the kids table during the holidays. i was happy to be 30. but for me it was filled with distress of another sort. i was suffering from post partum depression. it had me by the throat. and the mind. it was taking over. and then it happened. my MLC. i was an adult. i was a single mother with two children. i had bills. and all of a sudden i had realized. i was in over my head. and my shoulders bent a little too much. i broke. i had broken the same way a couple of years after Big'K was born. i guess i just was tired of all the responsibility. i think that is why men buy fast cars. to escape without actually going anywhere. maybe that is why people stray from their marriages. for the thrill. for something out of the normal. for the escape. it took me a long time to get my escape. my escape was not a fast car or a stray. it was last year. it was that twentieth year. can you have three midlife crisis'? when does that stop? i think it stops when you finally heal. when you are out of crisis. i think for everyone that is something different. for me it was that year. and something snapped. in a good way. it was fixed. the PPD is no longer kicking me in the ass daily. the grief that i had carried for so long had started to slough off a layer at a time. like an onion. i was starting to peel away. layers at a time. but underneath...there was not an onion core. there are pieces of something better. an apple. or strawberry. or kiwi. or hell maybe a lemon. i am not sure. there are so many colors showing through. so many textures coming to light.

with all the change something strange has happened. i would say fourth time is a charm...but this is not a crisis. things have changed. i am still a mother. i still have bills. things are not always good. but that is ok. Big'K will start high school at the end of summer. my child with more acronyms than letters in her name. my child that is so awkward socially will head to the mecca of social issues. high school. my child with no organization. will head to term papers and tons of homework. the one that does not care if she stinks or if her ass crack shows. will head to the root of all 'stick-out-in-a-crowd' evil. what do i do? do i let her homeschool herself through high school so that i can hide her from that? do i hold her close and keep her safe? my heart aches. Lil'K will head to second grade. at a school that i am not sure can handle or contain her. my little stick of dynamite in a bubble gum wrapper. my child who rapid cycles so quickly between happy and rage. second grade where kids start to find lifelong friends. where strange things set you apart. weird actions can begin to determine your status. where kids get labeled weird and strange and crazy. what do i do? do i move to find a therapeutic day school that can suit her? my heart aches. i am 36 and have done the same job since 1996. but i can no longer work in that job because i am not degreed or certified. approaching 40 i will have to change careers if i plan on ever making enough money for us to survive. to live. what do i do? move? pick up everything and change? jobs? homes? latitude? my heart aches.

even with the ache. even with the pain. everything will be ok. because this is life. this life that we think bends us till we break. this is what it is. it is pain. it is joy. it is more importantly finding the joy midst the pain. not being scared. releasing the fear. people in this life that are happy...that walk around with a smile. that is their secret. they have released the fear. they have accepted. and now...i find myself in the middle of it. another step.

my mid life acceptance.

i will accept that things are not always fun. or happy. or even sane. i will accept that there will be pain. but i will try to find the joy. i will accept that sometimes people need a change in latitude. to fix their attitude. and that very well may be what ends up happening.

Unhappy Father's Day

2012-06-17T19:30:00.001-05:00

today is father's day. and in true fashion to my life, i am the only 'father' in the house. just me. i have done this. the single mother gig since october of 1997. when Big'K came quietly into my life. three years later her father was gone. not disappeared because he was a loser. but he died. she has suffered ever since. now there are two. Lil'K did not come into my life quite as quietly. she has not seen her father in quite a while. which is really a shame. he is missing out on her life. on everything. i am not even sure if he knows the date of her birth. for almost 15 years in my house father's day has been a sad day. for both of my daughters. neither of their fathers are here. whether uptop with Big G or here on earth. the general position of their bodies means nothing. because to my children they are not here. and that causes pain. i feel like i have tried to do everything i can. but when it comes down to it children need two parents. i do not want to get off on a tangent about same sex parents or traditional sexed parents. because i do not care. i just think that two people can better make decisions for children. but only if they get along. i know too well children that do have two parents but are miserable. today i tried to make the day as good as i could. this year the unhappy day happened to fall on my cousin's birthday. so we cooked out and spent time with family. you see the thing is...Lil'K has been wired for sound. my oldest is Asperger's. and she has been off also for a few days. today she was absolutely off. it never occurred to me that it may have been father's day. i did the same thing for years. when it would get close to my mother's birthday or death anniversary i would be off. sometimes i realized what it was. and could catch it. but it took me a long time to do that. i do notice in Big'K gets hemmed up close to her father's death date. and she is not even aware of it. the human psyche is amazing. and scary all at one time. so what if today was not a good day. i am working on turning the days that seem to be triggers for my children into positive days. so that they will not have to suffer forever.

eventually what is now Unhappy Father's Day will begin to turn into a day of joy. and i know it may take a while. but eventually...

The Club

2012-06-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

i have been invited in. to a secret club. it is very exclusive. some people know about it. but most do not. the way in is through initiation. a long cruel journey. littered with rage. fear. anxiety. fighting. sadness. grief. no one asks to be in this club. it just happens. and in the beginning you are not even aware of the club. you just think you have stumbled off into hell. you cannot control what is happening. it is almost like a possession. and you are stuck. just watching. this creature you love. that you made. that grew in you. that is a part of you. suffer. and in a way it really is hell. and you realize it is not really a stumble...more of a face plant.

almost a year to date. last fall. my youngest, at the tender age of 6, was diagnosed with a mood disorder and general psychosis. and in the last month we have found the answer. or at least part of the answer. she is bipolar. yes. my now seven year old is bipolar. and there is a good chance that there is some other type of psychosis laying in wait as well.

'Ms. Loco, your daughter is bipolar'

i cried when the doctor said those words. not because i was sad. because i was relieved. because she followed with the best thing a stranger had ever said to me. 'YOU are not a bad mother. YOU are not wrong. there is something wrong. your daughter is sick. YOU have done nothing wrong. YOU are doing the best you can. hang in there. we will fix this'. i had heard those words countless times from the BFF. and i knew she was telling the truth. but when you do not know what is wrong you always second guess yourself. but finding out. it was a weight. lifted. i was not shocked. it made so much sense after all we have been through. i had been doing my own research as well. i searched boards and walls. websites on bipolar children. read other parents stories. saw my child in so many others. read what worked and did not work. i read the CFR on what her school is required to do. and all of that was before the diagnosis. i knew. i knew something was wrong. and i already suspected bipolar. i started an ARD. today we filed for social security disability. i know other parents who go through the same thing. i read up on meds. and therapy. i did my homework. because i want to fight for her. even though there are days that all it seems i do is fight her. she is medicated and it is working. for now. there are still bad days. and there are still really bad days. the triggers are without end. one simple 'no' over the smallest thing can mean a ruined day. a buggy full of groceries left in the grocery store because the wrong cereal was put in the basket. a tantrum so bad that you can see the looks on strangers faces. deciding if they should call 911 or CPS on you. because they do not realize at that point you have barely been holding it together for the last 10 hours. because it has been hell. the screaming. kicking. spitting. falling down on the ground. breaking things. hucking things across the room. it gives waking up on the wrong side of the bed a whole new meaning. they do not realize that you have to raise your voice. you have to be stern. because yes, calm is better. but in the middle of a meltdown calm just does not work sometimes. they see a curly headed child who was two isles over entertaining everyone while singing Shirley Temple songs. 'On the good ship Lollypop...' all smiles and giggles. whose mom is now almost in a panic. who has her hands around fragile arms. gripping her child as if someone was trying to snatch her from her arms. with tears streaming down her face. like a wild animal. searching for the exit. and you can tell the strangers are worried. but not for her. because to them she looks like the monster. they do not realize she is trying to save her. the daughter. as well as her own sanity.

my daughter is a rapid cycler. she can go from breakdown to perfect child. Rosemary to Shirley Temple. two, three sometimes five or six times in a single day. read that again. one. single. day. there are days when it is good. all day. and days like today when she has been triggered for the last 48 hours. and just seems able to flip the switch at light speed. walking on egg shells. us. not her. because a day without Rosemary rearing her head is a great fucking day. a day without mom breaking down and crying in public is a great fucking day. the other days...well they are hell. and it will never stop. it will never go away. it is not just a cold. it is mental illness. and it is scary. even more so in a child.

i cannot hide anymore. you see i have kept this side of her away from so many. most of my family never really knew there was a problem. we would exit stage left at the very first glimpse of trouble in her eyes. me always looking like the ass that left the family get together early. no one wanted to hear me say there was something wrong with her. nope. it was just a kid being a kid. acting up. bad parenting. well you are wrong. THIS is not MY fault. my child is sick. and i know you do not get it. but i will not sugar coat it any longer. i have been strong. and i have fallen. and gotten back up. and fallen again. and i will continue to repeat those steps. but i will not avert my eyes any longer. i will not let the fear of strangers' gazes make me leave.

i will keep fighting. for her. and sometimes with her. but i am fighting.

The Spiral

2012-04-25T21:13:00.001-05:00

i have been quite absent this year. things have been hectic. i thought i would update my two readers though. Lil'K has been struggling so much lately. i am sure i have covered some of this but my mind is being consumed by menopause and general motherness. so i will recap.

Lil'K hit the terrible twos stage. and she never seemed to come out of it. ever. things got progressively worse. in pre-k she was more or less 'kicked out'. she was way ahead of everyone else and it was only half a day. which really caused a lot more problems than it solved. kindergarten was difficult. her teacher has been there forever. but she still loves the kids. she is a good teacher. just not a good fit for my child. i really just hoped that first grade would be better. more to learn. well it has been a nightmare. i have had to miss at least a dozen days of work to pick her up. she gets to the point they cannot handle her. she hates the counselor. which is not good. she loves her teacher but where we live they switch classes in the first grade. so she technically has three teachers. her main teacher she loves with all her heart. one of the other teachers she rarely has trouble with. but the third. she is young. very young. and new. and in my opinion has no idea how to control anything other than normal children. so my daughter has been a hassle. the administration has no idea what to do with her. and to top it off we do live in a small district. i have a friend that is local to me. she has two boys. almost the same age as my girls. they are both special needs. she has been a huge help to me. i initiated an ARD. i even pulled out the code of federal regulation and read the entire section on what school districts legally have to do. they were slightly dragging their feet, as they have quite a bit of time to get things accomplished. well, low and behold, Lil'K had a full on crazy fit. soooo things got sped up a little bit. let me back up a bit. after i had her i suffered BAD from postpartum depression. so for the longest time i thought her behavior was my fault. it got to a boiling point about six years ago. she was throwing one of her tantrums that she is known for, and i decided to just walk away. a whole ten feet into the kitchen. my house is pretty open so she was just behind me. in the living room. doing her rolling on the floor and growling that makes her famous. then started the kicking. i could still hear the growling and humming. so things were on track. maybe this one would not last as long. i took a minute to glance back at her, as i was doing at least every minute or so and...oh. my. Big G. she had the vacuum cleaner cord around her neck. and was pulling. this was the last straw. that week i made an appointment with our local MHMR. i do not have insurance and her sperm donor has never carried it on her. they got us in pretty quick due to her trying to self injure. she has been medicated. and we have made the appointments. but money is tight. and between the meds and the appointments it is getting a little tight. now enter the school stuff. she did her cognitive testing and of course she is way above average. which i already knew. she had her psych eval yesterday. the doctor actually called me. on my cell phone. i could not believe it. they usually do not do that. we had a very long conversation. she is thinking bipolar. but there may be something else underneath. i always knew it. but hearing it is something else. i cried. but then thought about it. knowing is half the battle. it gives you a direction to head in. it gives you something. so we will continue on. the next step is getting her report. and having to go to the board. to see what services they will offer her. she will not need to many services. but they can be creative with her. help her. and learn how to make things easier for her at school. that is all i can hope for. the days are hard. it will be hard. but it will be something we can get through.

once it sets in that the girl who was not even sure she wanted kids has in the matter of six months became the mother to two special needs children. things happen.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out...

2012-04-06T12:24:00.002-05:00

... thank you Oasis. i think i will.

sometimes i forget that i miss a song. you see my life is music. i can hear a song and tell you where i was. how old i was. who i was hanging with. what mood i was in. my life has a soundtrack. so maybe music is my life? either way, music has shaped me. and i forget how many songs i know. and love. until i hear it. on the radio, on pandora, on facebook, on youtube...or in my head. that random song that can make a tear fall or a laugh bust through. that song that makes me hug a kid, call someone or remember those that have past. today will be full of songs. today is a good day. i felt a glimpse of the old me. when i woke up at 5 and did not lay back down. i made a pot of coffee and enjoyed it in the silence of the morning. while the moon was still up. greeting me with her bright face. telling me today was a good day. good friday to be exact. so far....great friday. i feel a tinge. the old me. the one that could handle a day. that could manage a smile that was not forced. sing along and bounce around to music. sweet beautiful music. filling the house and overflowing outside. the doors wide open. the A/C off. fans whirring. the blender roaring. making me think of summer. but glad the heat is not here yet. then a song. another one. that makes me jump around until i am out of breathe and laughing until tears fall. my kids smiling, knowing that the 'old' mom is back. Lil'K not remembering this mom. just hearing of her. catching a stolen glimpse. Big'K giving a random hug. because she remembers. that is the only mom she knew until the baby brought the dreaded PPD. but today, that mom is here. and out. i love these days. it reminds me that i am still here. that i can come back. that there are good days. and those days are worth holding on for. then a song. one that reminds me of one that is gone. one that i loved. that i miss. that in the end was not mine. then seeing a gesture or an expression on a face that reminds me part of them is still here. alive and walking around. because everything gone is not always gone. it is simply not here. right now. the sweet taste of fruit and honey in my drink makes me smile. good memories. then a song. one that reminds me of my friends. the ones i have met as an adult. mostly my mighty BFF. the one that keeps me together inside. that loves my kids as her own. that holds my hand in ant piles, picks me up out of the shower, and dances in the kitchen with me when cooking. then a song. one that reminds me of marching in black boots that break my feet. carrying green sacks on my back, and a black weapon in my hands. matching in some weird fashion way. keeping time with our feet while our mouths bark out rhymes. meant to inspire. encourage. rebuild. reshape. rethink. those friends. that become like family. the ones you can talk to a decade later and never miss a beat. that beat. in your head always. then a song. that reminds me i am a mother. a sister. a friend. a lover (although not recently). a daughter. a cousin. i am so many things. have been so many things. then a song that makes me remember i have three dozen eggs to dye. dishes in the sink. laundry spinning in the washer. tumbling in the dryer. a bank account short on money. meds to give. kids to hug. a life to live. even when it is not all sunshine and rainbows. storms cause rainbows. you just have to weather them to get there.

then a song...

that reminds me today is a happy day.

and i will take it.

Seven - Bring Us Some Luck

2012-04-02T21:25:00.004-05:00

my baby turned seven just a little over a week ago. march 23rd to be exact. seven. seriously. it feels like it was just yesterday that i was bringing her home. yet at the same time it feels like she has been here forever. she is a big soul in a little body. curly headed bright eyed. my little ray of sunshine mixed with lightening.

i had a special child. one you have heard of before, Big'K, and i thought i was ready. but this little one. she has caught me in ways i could never have been prepared for. we are going through testing right now. because my Lil'K can be more lightning than sunshine. she can be fiery yet caring. lie to your face then be brutally honest. we have had a lot of doctor appointments lately. psych to be exact. you see, something is wrong. they are not sure what yet. but something. bi-polar, multiple personality, PTSD, on the spectrum, sociopathic...something. something scary. but ya know what? the meds...they are helping. and right now that makes this the best last six months we have had since she was two. so now, hitting seven, i am just hoping for some luck. roll the dice...hit seven. let us see where we roll.

i am here. i am mommy. i will always be here. through the rough and the silly. the laughs and the tears. the diagnosis. everything.

i love you through and through. my little sunshine full of lightening.

A New Year A New Story

2012-02-11T19:09:00.000-06:00

i just realized that i have not posted since my mini-breakdown. i am happy to report that i have been much happier since then. so getting it out, clearing the cobwebs, has worked for a bit. it is a new year afterall and it is time to make a change. the grief that surrounded me when that twenty year mark hit was almost unbearable. but i sought refuge in my mind. i found a little peace in my heart. and that has been settling.

now on to other things...

apparently 2012 will be the year that my appliances rise up against me. go figure. since christmas/the first of the year i have replaced my washer, dryer, television, the circuit board on my furnace, gotten a wii and am about to replace a hot water heater. i do not own a microwave or i am sure that would go out too. i am also having to call in service on my fridge as my ice machine thinks the good thing to do is make ice castles in my ice tray. really appliances? really. i have also been ~~stalking~~ catching up on some of my favorite blogs on the interwebs. the job is good. the kids are ok. and as of right now my house is nice and toasty. tonight i am sitting alone catching up on my reader and the girls are at the BFF's. it gets quiet here without them. there was a time that i longed for the quiet. but now...i just end up bored. Juice just stopped by and brought me some homemade pretzels that the BFF made. nom nom.

i did not make any resolutions for the new year. just a few goals. my goals from last year tanked. of course. but i can always try again. and this year all i am really hoping for is a better life. a better today. there are things i want to work on. a new fence up around the yard. hopefully no animals. getting rid of the ones i have and not getting anymore. skirting around the house, painting the window awnings, fixing my carport roof, getting my yard in shape, my outside shed torn down and my wood building paid off. working on my family. helping the girls to grow in a positive light. becoming a little more self sustaining and just work on the emotional factor for not only myself and the girls but just in general presenting a better foot forward in the world. i do hope so far your new year is going better. and if nothing else, that you too have found peace.

How long is long enough?

2011-08-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

This post has taken twenty years to write. With that being said there is a good chance it will be horribly long. And possibly sad. This is not the whole story. There are many more parts. But this is all that can come out after twenty years. It has been a long road. The rest of the story will come out. In time.

How long is too long to grieve? One year? Five years? A decade? A lifetime?

Does it matter who you are grieving for? A child? A friend? A sibling?

What about how they died? Was it fast and unexpected? An illness that was a long time coming? Or horribly traumatic and violent?

Each person is different. That is what I know about grief. And each person will work through it the way they feel necessary. There is no wrong way to grieve. No set amount of time. There is not a proper way to grieve. Everyone has their story.

This is mine.

I grew up in a middle income family. There were points where we had more money than others. Specifically the point where I attended a private Catholic school. And other points where we had holes in our floors. I grew up mostly normal. Mom, Dad, myself and a brother. He was three years younger. And the root of my first memory. One where I remember driving really far from home. Walking into a strange building and sitting on an old 70's style rounded leather sectional. Waiting until someone came and got our little trio and beckoned us to look through a round window on a swinging door. My mom held me up and allowed me to peek into a room filled from wall to wall with those weird see through sided bassinets. Babies. For what seemed like miles to a recently turned three year old. I remember my mom saying, "Your brother is here. Right there." Pointing to a little round baby that they gingerly and lovingly picked up and took to a counter that lined the back wall. There were rows of diapers and bottles. Many things I did not at that age recognize. I, in expected three year old fashion, specifically pointed out a different baby I wanted. I did not want that little walrus sized boy. I wanted the screaming little girl in the bassinet in front of him. The one raising her hand. As if to tell me "I am yours!" I did not get my wish. We were at the stork's house. To pick up our baby. The one my parents had been waiting on for over six months. Just as they had waited for me three years earlier.

My mother was barren. A horrible case of endometriosis had robbed her of the only thing she had ever wanted in her life. A baby. But thanks to a bit of money, and knocked up teenagers, she got her wish. Two babies three years apart with totally different biologicals. But we were hers. And she loved us. With all of her being. I eventually came to understand that my brother and I were adopted. It took me a few years to figure out we were different. Blonde haired and blue eyed brought into a huge family of coonass'. We stuck out as much as you could imagine. There were hurdles with being adopted. My father's father thought less of him. Convinced he was 'less of a man' for not being able to produce a child. It just had to be his fault. He hated us. We were not of the right blood. My father was the man. And all of his brothers and sisters older than him to that point had managed to have at least one child. My mother's family never once batted an eye. To them, we were special. Meant to be there. There was only one other adopted person in our family, but he was biologically related to the father of that couple. And I did not know of it until well into my adulthood. That great aunt was my mother's angel. She understood what it was like to want a child with every cell in your body. Her sister, my grandmother, had produced eight children. She, like my mother, was barren.

I remember my mother having a hysterectomy when I was three. Not very long after bringing my brother home from babyville. That was the start of her problems. You see, she was a smoker. And back in the stone ages, they made women get on hormone replacement. Something that we know now is not a good idea for women over the age of 35 who smoke. I remember the mood swings and hot flashes. I remember my father jokingly poking fun saying "Woman! Take your pill!" when she would get fussy. What I did not remember were the blood clots that were caused. The blood clots that eventually led to her death.

You see, twenty years ago today...my mother died. She had a blood clot in her arm. She did not want to bother going to the doctor. She would just 'rub it out'. Horrible advice for someone with a blood clot. Had she gone to the doctor that time and survived, just a few years later she would have been diagnosed with something long and complex and put on blood thinners. Meds that would have saved her life. But that was not what was in the charts. She had a massive heart attack. On our living room couch. While the whole family was home just five days shy of my first day of school Sophomore year of high school. Great way to start the year huh? Yeah. I thought it blew too. I remember that whole agonizing hour. From my brother running outside asking "What does it mean when your left arm hurts and it is hard to breathe?" to the point of her being taken away.

Sitting there on that couch she knew what was happening. She gave lots of good advice. Go to prom. Get married. Have kids. Take care of your brother. Almost 20 minutes of advice. Most of which I have forgotten and would give anything to remember. All the while I was on the phone trying to get my uncle to come with the ambulance. He was head of our volunteer fire department. But it was not in the cards. The man who had been on duty the night before had gone home with the ambulance barn keys in his pocket and was nowhere to be found. I remember running outside to the front yard. Frantically praying and looking down the road for someone, anyone, coming. A gentleman on his tractor with his young son in the cab passed. I ran to the road begging him to come in. My mom was dying. She was having a heart attack. Could he help? Please? He was scared. As I could imagine I would have been. He just shook his head and drove on. I found out years later he still carried the burden of driving away. I fell to my knees in the yard shouting at the heavens "Why? Why? I am too young for this. I do not deserve this!! She loves us!" I did not understand. I was only 15. I remember my father not letting me do CPR even though I knew how. Making me read how to perform it out of the encyclopedia. He did not want me to carry the burden of not being able to save her. Instead I carried the burden of him not letting me do what I knew how to do. Later finding out that the clot was so large, she could have been on the operating room table and there would have still been no saving her. I remember my dad driving my brother and I, followed by countless aunts and uncles that had showed up at the house to my Grandmothers. Begging him to slow down. Let me drive. He was going to have a heart attack too. This was the beginning of numb.

The numb that lasted through the arrangements. The 15 year old daughter that had to pick out the casket because the father had collapsed to his knees at the opening to the room and could not go further. The daughter that had to call people, because the father could not bear to utter the words after hearing the howl coming from his own mothers lips after being told that 'Sweet Marie' had died. The 15 year old daughter that did not shed a tear. Not. One. Single. Tear. through the whole ordeal. The 15 year old daughter that overnight became mother to her 12 year old brother, and caretaker of a house. The cook. The washer. The one that hated Big G for taking her mother. But would not cry.

That 15 year old girl got lost somewhere. She grew up too fast. She drank too much. She had sex too early. She lost her way. Her father got married less than six months later and would not, could not, talk about her. The love of his life. His wife for 23 years. He put his kids through hell that first marriage. And would put his kids through hell with a second. But he was in his own hell. One they did not understand. One that the 15 year old daughter, when grown, would experience when her own daughter was three. It is a hell. But a different hell experienced as a child and a parent. Those feelings would get shoved down. Talking about her mother would only bring heartache. Those feelings would eat at her. Until she was no longer herself. But she would get over it. And rise up. And ten years and one day after her mother's death anniversary, her daughter's father would die. And those feelings would rage back in with an ugly vengeance. And turn the now 24 year old mother into someone completely different. That woman would not get off the couch for almost six months. She would neglect her daughter. Her work. Her house. Her life. She would get over it. And rise again. But a bit slower. And changed.

She would realize her mistakes. And that her daughter was different. She would see the Asperger's, and the OCD and the stress disorder that ate at her child. But she would overcome it. She would meet her soulmate and bestest of bestest friends. And that friend would help her. Help her to overcome the grief. And the hate. She would help her become a great mother. Help her emotionally heal. She would become me again. And I was so glad to have her back. I was so glad to be me again. To feel and laugh. I wanted another child. Found someone I loved. That child was so loved. But hurt me. Caused nine months of hell. That child's father would walk out. That child's birth would open up a black hole. Postpartum depression. It consumed that mother. Turned the numbness back on. And turned her into a stranger. Locked deep inside was the 15 year old. She would be lost. Forever.

I struggle everyday. Every. Single. Day. I hate that I cannot mother my children the way they deserve to be mothered. I hate that I scream and yell. I hate that I cry uncontrollably. I hate...her. She is not me. And slowly, more and more everyday, I am leaving. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to come home and hold my children and love them. It is this grief!! This fucking grief that has gripped me for twenty years.

Five nights ago that monster raged again. As it does every August. It led to a drunken night. Laying in the cemetery over a grave that holds my heart. Falling asleep praying. Asking that wonderful woman to forgive me. To give me the strength to fix myself. To become myself again. To live again. To make it long enough...to be over.

Today I decided that twenty years is long enough. Long enough to grieve. Long enough to let that monster live and take control. Long enough for the rage to consume a person. Today I decided that I would return. So tomorrow I will wake up and start fighting. Hope that the damage I have done to my children will be forgotten with time. Hope that they will see that I do love them. More than the moon and through and through. I decided that the grief has made me bitter. Incapable of love. Incapable of having a relationship. That grief has ruled me. I hate that grief. I will own it. I will take it. Turn it into love.

And find me. Cause she is fucking awesome! And I sure miss her crazy ass.

(30 years) plus (one day) = 10 958.266 days

2011-06-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

It has been 10958.266 days since the first reports of what would become known as HIV/AIDS was first mentioned in the United States. In this time AIDS has gone from something that the medical community knew nothing about to a disease that is becoming understood and treatable. To think that in my lifetime we have been able to discover what virus was behind the early symptoms and create cocktails of medicines that can allow those infected to live for decades. Thirty years later and there are over 30 drugs approved to treat HIV/AIDS. A disease that when first diagnosed thirty years ago also came with a very short life expectancy. This disease that was thought to be only a 'gay' disease has since taken on a new face. Every year more and more minority heterosexuals are becoming infected. Although gay, bisexual, and other men that have sex with men remain the group most affected by AIDS, the African American community face the most burden. Over 56000 Americans become infected each year with nearly 17000 infected dying yearly of AIDS or ARC.

Globally more than 33 million people are living with HIV/AIDS. Low and middle income countries hold 97% of these numbers. It is estimated that more than a million infected are living in the U.S. and one in five of those are not aware they are infected. Programs and public service announcements urge Americans to get tested every day. Whether it is the fear of needles, the truth or ignorance that keeps people from being tested the most important thing you can do is know. Know so that you can keep yourself healthy, know so that you can stop the spread, know so that you can live.

Last year I wrote a post about my brother. About eating lunch with a person that is dying. You see 30 years was at one time thought unattainable by him. He was diagnosed before he was thirty. We were afraid he would never see thirty. Thirty? Such a short time. Too short. Unfortunately, my life has been touched by this horrible disease. Touched in a close and personal way. I have lost family members and friends to this disease. But I have also seen them live. Last year sitting at that lunch celebrating Lil'K's fifth birthday I was so afraid that he would not be here to see her sixth. Just as I was afraid he would never see thirty. As we fear every year that there will not be another. As we sat at his house celebrating with cake and dinner just a few months ago, it occurred to me that he was still there. We all were. She was turning six and he was living. Still here. Alive and kicking. It has not been easy. There have been illness and injuries. Things that to normal people would go by unnoticed, but to him were devastating. There was depression and times it was hard to go on. There were friends that left because of it, lovers that hated because of it, and jobs that quit because of it. There were changes in medicines and times without medicines. Times when fighting the system for that medicine seemed as slow and painful as the virus itself. There have been tears and fears. Crying and laughing. All of this...over this thing. This thing...this monster that sucks the life from people is devastating. It is sick. It wreaks havoc. In every part of life. Of living. Not just to those infected but to the ones that love the infected.

The girls and I spent this last weekend with him. He looked SO good. SO healthy. That is the down side of the up side. The looking healthy on the outside and dying on the inside. He is able to shave his beard now. The one that hid a horrible infection he struggled with for so long. An infection the new meds have fixed. He is able to smile without hurting. His jaw and neck are not swollen as they were before. Something the meds have fixed. He is able to enjoy the chips and cheese dip because there are no sores in his mouth. Something the meds have fixed. Friday evening we cooked hotdogs and laughed. Made plans to head to the beach on Saturday. Had a drink and visited. We talk about his health but it is quick. Mostly about his numbers and where they were at the last report. What new meds he is taking and how the side effects are. But this conversation is quick. It is painful to discuss these things. It confirms he is sick. Still a subject that is tender. So we go back to laughing. Planning a sunny day in the waves. Saturday I drive him to work early in the morning. Crabby that I have to wake up earlier than needed but glad to have the time. By the time I pick him up from work he is exhausted. A side effect of the virus and the meds that help fight it. The meds that help to fix so much also help to sap his energy. He has a huge knot on his leg. From where? No telling. It hurts to walk and is uncomfortable to sit. But this is life. His life. And the life of many many others living with the virus. What does he do? He sucks it up. BBQ's the chicken and heads to the beach with us. He does what so many others have to do. He lives. Because he has to. Because he wants to. Because the last thirty years tells him that he could have thirty more. Because he made it past thirty. And wants that next thirty...

In thirty years we have come so far. And we will continue to go further. I look forward to going further. To him going further. I look forward to celebrating Lil'K's seventh birthday. Because it will be a year further that we have gotten.

Yes it is scary. Yes it is horrible. Yes it is hard. But knowing is half the battle. Knowing so you do not continue to infect others. Knowing so you can live.

So go!! Go know.

**Statistics provided by http://aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/hiv-aids-101/.

Total Slacker

2011-02-27T14:13:00.001-06:00

wow. i have really slacked lately. no writing, or commenting. barely even reading to speak of lately. sheesh. i suck.

i have a few posts stuck up in the noggin to share. and i promise i will get right on that. sometime this week. but for right now how about a recap??

i did save my house. woo hoo me. not sure how i will continue to save it the next three months but it will happen. i found the $200 i lost. in. my. car. yay again. i got a full body deep tissue acupressure massage. yeah. i'm still sore. it is almost time to start mowing again here in the great country of Texas and i am NOT happy about that. everyone hates the cold weather but for me it just means i do not have to mow yet. and that makes me happy. today is hit up the laundromat day. other than that just a shit ton of other stuff going on. i will truly try to post this week. get some of this junk off my head.

You Know Who You Are.

2011-02-06T21:17:00.000-06:00

Hindsight sucks.

I get it. The whole meaning of it. The point is that you do not always see it at the time.

I saw it. I just did not push as hard, or say the right things, or keep asking until I got the answer I was needing.

I know time cannot be reversed. Big G knows if it could I would change a ton of things. At least on some days.

Today I would change something; I would have pushed more or tried harder. Gotten on that plane. Any plane. Way back when and just showed up. I wonder what it would have changed. If anything. I try to believe that there is a plan. That everything happens as it should. That does not mean I have to like it. It does not mean that I do not have the right to get angry sometimes. I am allowed to get jealous. Just a bit. I also try to not dwell too much on the 'what ifs', but I cannot help it. All I keep thinking is for all this heartache I have had to go through in the last 13 years, there better be something awesome up ahead. I understand needing to go through the shit to get to the shine.

I do not understand, however, the need for heartbreak. Maybe because I always seem to be right in the middle of it. Maybe that is why I do not see the need for it. That and it hurts. Maybe I am more sensitive than even I realize. Maybe I fall too hard sometimes. I say sometimes...but there have really only been three.

*My Knight In Shining Armor. The one that still makes my heart hurt. The one that I should have told the truth to. But I did not. And now, he is gone. And I am not the only one that was hurt by that. I still cry when I think of you. And so does she. You left behind too many. And the little ones really needed you. I could have lived forever with the fact you were not mine...had you just stayed here. And not left.
*Delta. That was too much time lost. Hoping for something that you could not give to me. I can see you now. We are friends. I can appreciate it. I do not want to throw up when I see you anymore. My heart does not hit my stomach. When I look at you I just see a friend.
*Mr. Bubbles. Yeah I know. You are probably laughing at that. I can say I did not mean to fall. I really did not. And I know you did not mean for things to turn out the way they did. I know you cannot undo it either. I do not want you to. I am just wounded. It will get better.

But those three have lasted for the last 13 years. And it ends the same every time...heartache. I am left not getting the one I want. It is really beginning to get old. Should I pick better? Not let myself fall? Then I run the risk of shutting myself off. Like I have done so many times in the past. After each heartache comes a shut down period. And then it happens again. The fall. I am not sure what I have done. Or did not do. Why it is I that obviously has to go through so many heartaches. I do know there will not be much left of my heart to give when all this is over. When will it be over?

Because I am so ready. For anything. Just something wonderful. Not the tears.

This weekend was awesome. I laughed and had fun. I was good. No broken drought. I was looking so forward to it. I was ready for the fact that at the end of it all....it still was not mine. I was not ready for how hard it ended up being. For the fact that I had to stop, in the parking lot, and catch my breath. I was not ready for the hurt feelings. For the green monster to show up. I was not ready for the tears that rushed out of me. For the heaving breaths and sobbing. I was not ready to face that fact I thought I had prepared for. It is not fair. I know, life is not fair. I get it. But it still does not sting any less. I know you are sorry for all of it. In turn, I am sorry too that you even had to be in it all. I do not know if you wish it would have turned out different. Maybe that is the answer I am looking for. I do. But that is because I was the one that lost. You see, you still won. Well not on all fronts, but for the most part you won. You gained two great things, even though in my opinion you lost out on one. Me. Me? I lost. And it sucks. And it is not fair. I have no regrets. I do not wish I would have stayed home. I am glad I went. It was a long time coming. It was overdue. I was glad it happened. And not another 8 years passing by. I do not want to reverse that.

You were everything I had imagined over all those years you would have been. You were funny, adorable, kinder than I had imagined, and so many more things. The one thing you were not and will never be...was mine. That...I want to reverse.

I am a big girl. I must put the panties on and deal. But right now, I just want to process it. I will get over it. I have to. There is no other choice. Fair or not, it is what it is. And everything will be fine. I will shut down. And come back.

I do not wish it did not happen. The whole way home I wished that things would have happened. That you would have told me my feelings were not mine only. That if you could do it differently you would have. That you wish you could reverse it. But I am not even sure if you wish those things. I wished you would have just touched me. But I probably would have cried...and well...it would have been wrong. I know that. But I wish you would have. That for the weekend it could have been mine. It would have just made things even harder. Harder than they already were. And I do not want that. For either of us. The problem is with all the things I wished, it would not have changed anything. It would have made my heartache worse.

My wishes are over. I will accept things the way they are. And get over it. This is part of me processing it. I will be fine. I just wanted to wallow a bit. And get it off my head.

The funny thing is when I got on the road and turned on my iPod...the first song that played after I hit shuffle was:

">Guess what song?

Funny huh.

Happy Birthday to The Mighty One

2011-01-26T19:51:00.000-06:00

there is a joke in our family that my BFF is ... the mighty one. she can do anything. she sews, crochets, cooks, raises kids, keeps me in line, handles Juice with a grace i could never muster, and deals with an assload of pain every single day of her life. these are just a few of the things she rocks at. i could seriously go on and on with all the awesome and mighty things she does. one of the few things she does not do is give herself nearly enough props or take nearly enough time for herself. but then again with three kids of her own, a husband, and me and my two to deal with she always has too much on her plate. we met 13 years ago this coming summer at a job we both worked at. to be honest we really did not care for each other. one good conversation later we have been best friends / confidants / soul sisters ever since. she is someone that cannot be replaced in my life. i do not know what i would ever do without her. and i can honestly say i would not have made it this far without her being by my side for the last almost 13 years. even on her worst days she is still my best friend. no questions. no judging. just there. i wish everyone in the world could have a BFF like her. they would be much richer!!

i just want to take the time and tell her: thank you. and happy birthday.

i hope we are here in 30 more years still laughing with and at each other.

Where Did The Time Go?

2010-12-31T10:26:00.000-06:00

Today I woke up a little earlier than the girls. I have the day off, it is Friday and that is the norm. Instead of laying in bed until my body just absolutely made me get up I decided to go on ahead get up, dressed, and have some coffee. It is very rare that I have a morning to just...enjoy. Usually we are rushing to get out of the house on time for school or work and they just seem to go by too quickly. Add to that the fact that I am not a morning person what-so-ever and you have few and far between mornings that are enjoyed by mom. For some reason today was different. It is the last day of the year. The last day of the decade for that matter. All I could think about while I was laying in bed, was how quickly it had all gone by. What was different about me, what had changed in the last decade. A decade. Ten years. Crap that is a long time. But so quick in many respects also. It scares me that time can just fly by so quickly. Have I wasted the time I have had? Have I spent it wisely? What do I need to do in the coming decades? Strange to think that a decade has flown by when there were days that seemed like they would never end. Moments that time stopped. Months that you felt you would never recover. Years lost in depression and some overflowing with happiness. The realization that life is what it is. Is it all we have? Who knows. But if we let it slip by and have nothing but regrets then we have wasted it. Why is it that you do not realize this until your 30's? I could have used some of this wisdom in my teens, or even just a decade ago. What will I realize in the next ten years? What will have changed?

How much has changed in the last ten years?

I went from being 24 to 34 and oh what a difference that ten years makes. My body no longer wants to or never mind remembers how to do things that seemed to come so easily back then. My lady parts have been ripped out and sent to a landfill. Menopause is not for the faint of heart. Night sweats, old lady hands, and hot flashes have become the normal. My boobs have been cut down by 6 pounds and why the hell did I not do that sooner? Tumors have been removed from various parts of my body and 'anesthesia head' is not a mystery. It is solved. And I have had it quite a few times in the last decade. My 3 year old is now a teenager and at some point halfway through I had another one that is now five. I have changed jobs at least 8 times and job fields twice. I have been deployed in the military. Blown out my knee. Attended a ton of concerts. Watched way too many people leave this earth and attended too many funerals. I have partied with some of my best friends and made new ones both in real life and here on the webiverse. I learned what a blog was, how to twitter, that facebook can lead me to people I thought were lost forever, and found out that I love social media. I have opened my heart up, complained, bitched, celebrated, thanked and in general opened up my soul on line for all the world to see...and was rewarded for it. Cell phones and T.V's have gotten smaller but smarter and more houses have internet and computers than record players and VHS tapes. Cell phones fit in your ears and computers fit in your hands. Now I am just waiting on the flying cars! 2001 brought the death of Big'K's father, the 10 year anniversary of the death of my mother, and a bunch of assholes trying to blow up our beautiful U.S.of A. Flying has become more of a pain in the ass, driving has become expensive, minimum wage has increased and most people are still struggling. The presidents have changed in more than just the color of their party. I have seen things happen that I did not think I would see in my lifetime and pray for other things that I hope I do. People have both amazed and disgusted me, but still manage to surprise me every day. I have grown up, changed, and experienced things that were new to me. I have loved, lost, laughed, cried, puked, screamed, had breakdowns, been depressed, scared, thankful and regretted past decisions. The power of mom and women in general has amazed me and continues to do so every time I pull up this world that was somewhat foreign a decade ago that has become part of my everyday life. I have recognized my shortcomings, embraced depression, realized how much I have screwed up my kids, not thanked my BFF enough, held on to people I should have let go of, and not fought enough to keep some I waved bye to. I have changed cars, changed houses, and changed dress sizes.

I have lost the girl I used to be and found a woman I did not know.

This last decade has been hard. I can only pray that the coming decade is much better. At the beginning of this year I decided to not make resolutions but solutions. To change things. I can tell by reading that post that I was a different person then; yes, even just a year ago. This last year has been hard. Really hard. I did do some of the things I had wanted to in my 'solution' for the new year post. Some I did not and failed miserably at. I think you can have the best of expectations but things happen. Things that shape you, even when you are resistant. In the end I guess it is just preparing you for who you will be. Maybe not having any expectations is the best way to go. Not having resolutions or solutions, not trying to make things happen; rather, just letting it happen. Going with the flow, shaping your way but mostly just riding. I do know I have no idea what the answer is, even though I try to convince myself I do. I have realized after this past decade that I really have no idea. At all. Maybe taking that revelation with me into the next decade will help to shape it a little better. I do know I cannot imagine what this next year will hold. I look forward to reading this a year from now and seeing where things have gone.

And I look forward to finding out more about the woman I have become, and maybe getting a little bit of that girl back...

I wish you all a Happy New Year and a Fabulous New Decade!

May we all be blessed with more happiness, less grief, tons of love and the joy of finding ourselves!