It wouldn’t be unfair to say that Keanu Reeves is one of Hollywood’s greatest outcasts.

Despite being one of the best known actors today, he is renown for a shy, solitary reputation and down to earth lifestyle, including a small apartment instead of a mansion, lack of fancy clothing, and a lack of any kind of bodyguard whatsoever. Keanu has even been recorded sharing his food with fans, and playing the gentleman while commuting on the New York subway.

Although acting may seem like a strange career choice for an introverted man who prefers solitude, Keanu claims to enjoy the intensity and concentration of his work saying, “I tend to focus on what I’m doing“.  

For Reeves, acting provides the opportunity to become someone else momentarily.  Someone less shy and withdrawn.

Keanu Reeves Before Fame

“I was kinda shy in school,” Keanu said in an interview, “but I also had the class-clown element about me.  I was removed, but I was involved.”  Although shy, Reeves’ ability to pretend from a young age, may have been what allowed him to become a great performer.

With a stripper as a mother and a drug dealer as a father, Reeves grew up in an unstable environment from a young age, learning to withdraw from the world outside to the world inside.  After his father left his mother at the age of three, Reeves moved around frequently with his mother through various stepfathers in Canada, Australia and eventually New York.

Throughout the ensuing years, Reeves developed the ability to adapt to his surroundings without getting too involved.  As Erwin Stoff, his lifelong manager from the age of 13 once pointed out: “Keanu is a really private person, he’s sort of perfected for himself a way of keeping a distance from people.”

Keanu Reeves Onscreen

Many of Keanu Reeves’ co-workers have observed the enigma of his personality.  Bernardo Bertolucci director of Little Buddha for instance, said, “He has this incredible shyness or embarrassment.”

Dina Meyer who plays Reeves’ bodyguard in Johnny Mneomonic says, “He’s very quiet, very introverted,” she adds “You look at him, and you can see the wheels are turning, but you can’t figure him out—if he’s happy, if he’s sad … you just want to say, ‘What’s happening in there?’”

“I’ve worked with him for a year and a couple of months,”  says his Constantine co-star Shia LaBeouf, “but I don’t really know him that much.  I don’t think he hangs out with other humans that much.”

You won’t find a lot of people who say they know the real Keanu Reeves.

Online he’s become somewhat of a meme sensation for a series of recurring images picturing him as a downcast, lonely figure in Sad Keanu and then an ecstatic, jubilant figure in Happy Keanu. He’s even got his own official day on June 15  popularized by Facebook.  It’s called “Cheer-Up Keanu Reeves Day“.

Keanu Reeves Struggles

When all is said and done however, Keanu’s stereotyped sadness and desire to keep distance from people may be justifiable.  

Starting off, from a young age Reeves suffered from dyslexia.  In his own words: “I didn’t finish high school.  I did a lot of pretending as a child.  It was my way of coping with the fact that I didn’t really feel like I fit in.”  Despite his troubles reading, Reeves grew a love for Shakespeare.  ”I recite Shakespeare to calm myself down,” performing in many of his plays and receiving critical acclaim for his role as Hamlet.

In 1999, Reeves girlfriend Jennifer Syme in her eighth month of pregnancy gave birth to a stillborn daughter.  In 2001 on her way back from a party at Marylin Manson’s house Jennifer Syme died in a car accident.  Reeves was to begin filming the back to back sequels for the Matrix films that Spring.  ”Grief changes shape, but it never ends” he told Parade magazine.

If that isn’t enough, Reeves’ best friend River Phoenix died of a drug overdose in 1993.  A few years later his younger sister Kim, at the age of 39, was diagnosed with Leukaemia.  Thankfully his sister recovered, stimulating Reeves to donate 70% of his Matrix earnings to Hospitals that treat Leukaemia.

“I don’t want to flee from life,” Reeves said.  ”I know the beauty of it.”  When asked if loss had changed him, Reeves said: “I’m trying not to be alone so much.  And, man, it’s a struggle.”

Keanu Reeves Offscreen

As any introvert, Reeves still prefers solitude.  In fact, for one of his birthdays, Keanu bought himself a cake from a bakery shop, started eating it alone, and offered pieces to fans that came up to him.  And thus, Keanu’s “Sad Keanu” memes appeared.

Just like other introverts, Keanu suffers from the general misconception that he’s constantly sad, when in fact he just likes to do things alone.  In fact, one of Reeves favourite solitary hobbies is taking long, solo motorcycle rides in the desert. Reeves is notoriously inscrutable onscreen as well as offscreen, displaying little emotion on his face.  Though many say this produces flat acting, others say this has its own kind of depth.  

In person, Reeves comes across as funny and charming — but excruciatingly shy.  He doesn’t enjoy being interviewed, which he describes as “talking about one’s personal life to strangers.  And we’re not even taking a train anywhere.”

In 2011 he wrote the narrating poetry for a book entitled “Ode to Happiness” illustrated by painter Alexandra Grant.  Making a mockery of his own glum image, his narration is a self-pity/self-help book for the sake of laughter and happiness.  One line reads:

“I draw a hot sorrow bath.  In my despair room.”

The book ends with a single black hole and the words, “It can always be worse.”

The post Famous Introverted People – Keanu Reeves appeared first on LonerWolf.

You sit down, pull your hoodie tightly over your head, and plug in your earphones hard.  It’s time for some alone time and you desperately want to block out the world, at least for the time being.

The only problem is you’re bored.  You’re bored of listening to the same old songs by the same old bands on repeat.  Hell, you can practically recite every song backwards, in French, in your sleep.  So what can you do?  Listen to them for the 50 thousandth time again?

This series of articles is for all you lethargic music listeners out there wanting to listen to something new.  If you’re an introvert especially wanting to listen to music for introverts, this article will be of use to you.

Many thanks to everyone on our Facebook and Twitter pages who suggested the following bands.  We’ve credited you with your additions.

Music For Introverts

Explosions In The Sky

Suggested by: Lee Delaney

Jim James

Suggested by: Brenda Golbus

Dead Can Dance

Suggested by: Portland Oregon Autism Resource Guide (and me!)

311

Suggested by: Meggan Simpson

Pink Floyd

Suggested by: Alfredo Flores

Type O Negative

Suggested by: @blacktears78

Geographer

Suggested by: @ImAHoodlum

Sisters of Mercy

Suggested by: @TimSS

The post Music For Introverts: 8 Rock Bands appeared first on LonerWolf.

Does getting dressed every morning in clothes that you buy for work, to drive through traffic in a car that you’re still paying off, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave empty all day so you can afford to live in it … feel meaningless?

If so, you might be experiencing a Quarter Life Crisis.

There’s a transitional period in every person’s life of leaving adolescence and entering adulthood.  Nothing is really established at this point in our lives.  We’re told that our opportunities are endless, that we need to study, work, earn the best possible money, raise the best possible family and make decisions that will affect the rest of our lives.

To those of us who are easily over-stimulated and like taking life slowly, this time can be an overwhelming period of our lives that can lead to stress, feelings of isolation and depression.

Decisions & Societal Expectations

My spirit animal was a cat running across 4 lanes of traffic.  That’s how I once felt facing the world.

We’ve often heard of people suffering Midlife Crisis’ but many of us haven’t heard about the sufferers of Quarter Life Crisis’.  And no wonder – it’s a fairly new affliction affecting our modern generations.  We are the generation of hyper-stimulated, eternally distracted technology addicts after all.

But it’s not only that.  Unlike previous generations we have an unprecedented amount of choices flooding us left, right and center.  Certainly, this can be immensely valuable but it’s also a great source of stress.  There are so many decisions we have to make that will shape our entire future.  We’ve gone from a care-free childhood full of comfort and stimulation, to a critical point in our lives where everything is solely our responsibility and fate to decide.

It’s no wonder then that experts describe having a Quarter-Life Crisis as a sense of panic and impending doom that your life (career, relationships, etc.) isn’t where you’d like it to be.

Quarter Life Crisis Symptoms

The moment you finish college your diploma feels a little like a trophy and a lot like a receipt.  It’s pretty unsurprising then that the need to give up every dream to pay off the large sums of debt usually induces a crisis.

Occurring between the ages of 18 to the late 20′s, people experiencing quarter life crisis’ can also find themselves hitting a rut even before college, when they have to pick their future field of employment, amongst a million other weighty life choices.

Perhaps one of the most troubling things about facing a quarter life crisis is that important decisions must be made too quickly, and societal expectations must be met constantly.

Your life feels like it’s going too fast and is filled with too much pressure.  Suddenly you’re thrown out of school and into stress and problems without having received a chance to learn about yourself, or discover what you really want from life.  In essence, you’re stuck.

Experiencing a quarter life crisis can also make you feel immensely lonely among other people.  Not only do you feel lonely, but you can also feel anxious and cynical about many aspects of your life.  You can also face deep feelings of existential emptiness, the same kind that can be described in one of my previous Soleoneo articles.

Quarter Life Crisis Insecurity

The first symptoms of the Quarter Life Crisis come in the form of insecurities about your life.  You begin to wonder if you’ve done anything substantially important with your life so far and you feel unworthy.

Looking around, you feel like everyone is moving forward and is making something important out of their lives except you.  Suddenly your friends are getting married, getting jobs, finishing degrees, or moving away.  Change becomes your enemy as you try to cling to the past, but you eventually realize your attempts are futile.  Life is leaving you behind.

On the lighter side, facing a Quarter Life Crisis can be a time of re-evaluation and self discovery.  It’s a time where you can slowly understand more about yourself, learn about your true aspirations and find your greatest faults.  Here are some of the things Quarter Life Crisis sufferers face in this transitional period:

• Confusion of identity.
• Insecurity regarding the near future.
• Insecurity regarding present accomplishments.
• Re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships.
• Disappointment with one’s job.
• Nostalgia for college life.
• Tendency to hold stronger opinions.
• Boredom with social interactions.
• Financially-rooted stress.
• Loneliness.

Conclusion

Personally, I can tell you that facing a Quarter Life Crisis doesn’t last forever.  With time, patience and experience it slowly fades away and depending what you do with it, it can provide a positive impact on your life.  On the other hand, facing a quarter life crisis can also cripple your life if you end up following the crowd, comparing yourself to other people, and living up to your peer’s and parent’s expectations.

Just think about it this way: why go through a Midlife Crisis, when you can evaluate your life when you’re young, figure out what you really want to do, and get your existential crisis out of the way?  There are always two sides of the coin.

Join our Quarter Life Crisis Facebook Group to show others that they’re not alone!

Take our Quarter Life Crisis Test to find out if you’re going through one!

The post Are You Experiencing A Quarter Life Crisis? appeared first on LonerWolf.

Everyone thinks they’re great listeners.

What’s easier than sitting down and just hearing what a person has to say right?  Wrong.

Hearing isn’t necessarily listening, nor is it necessarily listening well.  As G.K. Chesterton said “there’s a lot of difference between hearing and listening.”  The truth is, many people come to conversations with agendas, whether that is to make themselves be heard, or to make themselves not be heard, and to actually escape the conversation altogether.  If you’re an introvert, you probably opt for the latter.

If you’re anything like me you probably find yourself on the receiving end of countless uninitiated conversations.  Although you sit quietly and meekly listening to them, the fact is that you’d much prefer to slip away at the soonest given chance.  The problem with constantly feeling this way is that we never actually hear the people who speak to us.  We don’t put our entire attention, interest or heart into listening and truly understanding them.

The Art Of Listening … So Why May I Be Fooling Myself?

Just because you’re quiet and you let others do 75% of the talking, doesn’t mean you’re a good listener.  It doesn’t mean you’ve mastered the art of listening either.

Did you know that the need to be understood and listened to is a basic human need, along with food, water and shelter?  Well … actually I made that bit up.  But it makes sense doesn’t it?

How many times have you longed to be heard and understood only to have the receiving end ordering a pizza in the background, shuffling through papers or texting while you talk?  Now do you know how it feels?

Everyone Needs Someone To Talk To

And who better than you?  After all, if you’ve got it flaunt it, right?  If you’re naturally quiet by nature and listen more than talk, why not master the art of listening?  After all:

• You’ll master a new skill.
• People will be more drawn to you and will like you more.
• You’ll be a better friend, lover, teacher, employee and parent.
• Overall you’ll be a happier person by making other people happy.

How To Master The Art Of Listening

After researching far and wide across the internet, I’ve compiled a list of the most important things you should know about the art of listening.  Here they are:

1.  Make Eye Contact.

This first rule is very obvious but frequently forgotten.  If you don’t look at the person while they’re speaking, you give them the impression that you don’t care what they say.  In essence, it appears as though you don’t even care about them.  Simple.

2.  Don’t Interrupt.

Let the person speak uninterrupted.  To master the art of listening you need to halt any good thoughts that come to mind and let the person say everything they need to say.  Often times people simply need someone to talk to, not someone who will butt in and give their own thoughts and opinions.  The goal is to shine the spotlight on them, not you.

3.  Practice “Active Listening”.

The art of listening isn’t simply about staying quiet 100% of the time, it’s also about asking questions.  These questions are for clarification, or for further explanation so that you can fully understand what the speaker is telling you.  For instance, questions like these are brilliant: “Are you saying that _______”,  “What I heard you say was ______”,  “Did you mean that _______”.

4.  Show You Understand.

Another great way to show that you understand what the person is telling you is to nod.  You can also make noises that show you’re in tune with what the person is saying such as “yes”, “yeah”, “mhmm”, “okay”.  This seems trivial, but it’s important to not behave like a zombie and demonstrate some interest and comprehension.

5.  Listen Without Thinking.

In other words, listen without forming responses in your mind.  Be wholehearted and listen to the entire message.  It’s very tempting to fill the spaces, after all, our minds think around 800 words per minute, compared to 125-150 words we speak per minute.  Don’t miss valuable information by letting your mind wander!

6.  Listen Without Judgement.

To effectively master the art of listening it’s extremely important to withhold any negative evaluations or judgements.  Make it your goal to be open minded 100% of the time.  After all, who wants to open up to a narrow minded person?  It also helps to be mindful of your “shut off” triggers, which are the specific words, looks, or situations that cause you to stop listening.  This way, you can prevent yourself from shutting off in the future.

7.  Listen To Non-Verbal Communication.

About 60 – 75% of our communication is non-verbal.  That’s a lot!  In order to know whether to encourage the speaker, to open yourself more, or to be more supportive in your approach,  it’s essential to know what the person’s body is saying.  Do they display signs of discomfort?  Are they untrusting of you?  Does their body language align with their words?  To learn more about body language, try checking out some of Sol’s Body Language articles.

8.  Create A Suitable Environment.

It can be really difficult to listen to another person when the TV is screaming, your phone is buzzing and there are thousands of cars passing by.  When you remove all of these distractions and find a quiet place to sit down and listen, it’s much easier to listen empathetically with an open mind and whole heart.  Also, when you indicate it would be good to “find a quiet place”, you put importance in the person and what they have to say.  Once again, you show care and consideration.

9.  Observe Other People.

If you’re really serious about mastering the art of listening, why not observe other people?  One of the best ways to become a better listener is to observe the way people interact with each other, and all the irritating and rude things they do.  Create an “annoying habit” checklist, and see if you do any.  If you’re brave enough, you can even ask someone you trust about what they like and dislike about the way you interact with others in conversation.

As Diogenes Laertius said: “We have two ears and only one tongue in order that we may hear more and speak less.”  The art of listening is an invaluable life skill.  Not only will it help you communicate better with your friends and family, but it will help you succeed in every area of your life.

If you found this article helpful, please feel free to comment, or share an experience.

The post 9 Ways To Master The Art Of Listening appeared first on LonerWolf.

It was around the time I learned the word “irony” that getting spanked for defending myself by hitting other children did not seem right.

In fact, many things didn’t.  Playing games with other children like “Pin the tail on the donkey”  was the perfect example.  Not only was it nerve wracking being blind folded, spun around and bestowed with a sharp object in a mob of people, but shoving it into the crowd was a recipe for disaster.  “Mum, are they screaming because I pinned it?” – “No … puncture wound!”

What I enjoyed the most was being allowed time alone.  Paradise for me was letting my imagination create fantastical worlds in the garden, going on exploration quests through the park, and observing people from afar that were unaware of the roles they played in my games.  I loved building picture frames and placing them against my room’s windows to feel that I had an eternal, dynamic painting.

The following movies are definitely not for children.  These movies are for those of us who had a childhood full of amazing solitary adventure and beautiful worlds of wonder.  If you were (and still are) something of a lone misfit you might find a bit of your childhood in each one of these films.

 4 Introverted Child Movies

Phoebe in Wonderland (2008)

Phoebe is a 9 year old girl that finds herself at the mercy of strange compulsions that make her an outcast.  Gifted and sensitive, she lives at home with workaholic writer parents, and although they try to ignore her behavioral issues, Phoebe continues to display them.  At times she is seen spitting, cursing, and washing her hands until they turn raw and bleeding – all symptoms of her Tourettes syndrome.  Although she is misunderstood, Phoebe’s drama teacher, Miss Dodger, sees the girl’s exceptional creative potential and offers her the role of Alice in the school play.  Miss Dodger is a bit weird herself, connecting with Phoebe’s pain because she knows what it’s like to be out of the ordinary.  Phoebe’s mum on the other hand embodies the modern parent’s conundrum: she wants to be a good mother but also wants to have a profession, all while dealing with the growing concern of her daughter’s troubling retreat into fantasy as she becomes too invested in her school’s production.

Pan’s Labyrinth (El Laberinto Del Fauno 2006)

This is undoubtedly one of the better known films on this list, and rightly so.  It’s a familiar story.  Running along the lines of a dark and twisted Alice Wonderland, Wendy in Neverland, and Dorothy in Oz, a girl in her early stages of adolescence is absorbed into a threatening fantasy world where she discovers her own power in a parallel reality.  It’s not very often that a movie is capable of reviving feelings of wonder and of creating a morally expansive fairytale.  This movie, however, isn’t a fairy tale for children.  It’s dark, gory and full of monstrous creatures.  Ofelia, the heroine of the story, is a shy young girl forced to entertain herself as her recently formed family settles into their new home nestled deep in the Spanish countryside.  As her reality grows grimmer, with a sickly bed-ridden pregnant mother, and a sadistic army captain step-father, she escapes further into her fantasy world.  Ofelia is the mythical princess of an underground kingdom, and must complete a trio of life-threatening tasks to reclaim her kingdom. This poignant, sombre and exquisitely filmed movie is definitely a must see.

Tideland (2005)

Jeliza-Rose is the daughter of an ex-rockstar father who’s become a hopeless drug addict. After her mother’s death, the faded rock star opts to escape the painful reality by retreating to a ramshackle remote home.  As her father drowns his despair into a drug induced haze, Jeliza-Rose is left to her own devices, venturing into her own fantasy land.  Before long, she makes the acquaintance of a mentally challenged young man called Dickens and his sister, the black veiled, witch-like, one-eyed Dell.  Jeliza-Rose and Dickens quickly become friends escaping to their imaginations from a world whose reality is too ghastly.  If there was one way to describe this film, it would be like Alice in Wonderland meets Psycho.  For many, this film is bizarre, absurd, and plotless, where necrophilia meets with disturbing themes like pedophilia and Taxidermy.  Others will appreciate the beauty in the utter madness of this film, and the resilience of the human spirit existing in the most horrific of places.  Love it or hate it, this movie is an Outcast film and I like it merely because of that.

The Hedgehog (Le Hérisson 2009)

While the other three movies on this list revolve around fantasy worlds, this movie is a down to earth story.  Paloma is a serious, creative and highly articulate but deeply bored young girl bent on ending it all on her upcoming twelfth birthday.  From observing the adults in her life she becomes disgusted with the hypocrisies of bourgeois life and its meaningless values.  Her mother, a clinically depressed neurotic, talks to plants like children, her father is a preoccupied workaholic, her elder sister is a snooty self-involved teenager, and her sister’s goldfish is a metaphor for human existence.  As Kakuro Ozu, a new resident, moves into her building and becomes charmed with Paloma’s personality, they both become fascinated with Madame Renee, the superintendent of the building.  Paloma describes this unfriendly and prickly superintendent as a Hedgehog: “falsely lethargic, staunchly private and terribly elegant.”  Madame Renee, like Paloma, has a sour outlook on life.  She identifies with Leo Tolstoy’s maxim that: “Happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.“   But Kakuro, a gentleman-philosopher in his own right, can see through both of their facades, and through the friendship developed between these three unusual characters they learn to perceive the world in a different way.  If you allow it, this film can have just as much effect on you: You receive death just as you received life, if you’re afraid at the time of death, your death will be fearful.  If you’re full of love, your death will be loving.

I hope you enjoyed these introverted child movies.  For another list of recommended movies make sure you check out my Inspiring Loner Movies article.

Don’t forget to leave your suggestions for solitary, loner, outcast movies or other introverted child movies in the comments section below!

The post 4 Introverted Child Movies appeared first on LonerWolf.

“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … it’s not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesn’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison.”  ~ Augusten Burroughs

It was after reading the above passage in a book I recently completed by Augusten Burroughs that I stopped dead in my tracks.  Emotional abuse?  This concept was something completely new to me.  The words settled like lead inside of my head.  What I had discovered in those precise few moments, was the exact description for the subtle abuse I was, and still am, facing from my estranged parents.  I read on:

They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you.  And appear nothing but supportive to those around you.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.

What struck me about this quote is the fact that emotional abusers are very passive, very subtle, very quiet.  I would even go so far as saying … very introverted in their approach.  This single moment led me to wonder: is this the introvert’s favored form of abuse?  And also … do I unwittingly border on emotional abuse when I’m upset with someone?  And also … who else shows signs of being emotionally abusive in my life?  I know, I know, it all sounds very intense and extreme, doesn’t it?  Guess that’s just me.

The tricky thing with emotional abuse like anything quiet and unobtrusive, is that it can be overlooked easily, blending into the background of life.  Luckily however, it can lead traces of something “not being quite right” in your relationships – something wrong that you just can’t quite put your finger on.

My hope is that this article will help introduce, or reintroduce, you to the world of emotional abuse.  If you do decide to continue reading, please consider introspecting and reflecting on yourself and the people in your life.  It could make all the difference in the world.

Emotional Abuse: The Devil’s Quiet Sister

Emotional abuse is also known as psychological or mental abuse.  It’s aim is to control, belittle, isolate and shame other people into subservience.  This happens little by little overtime, so that the victim’s sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and own ideas and perceptions erode.

Many emotional abusers operate under the guise that they are “teaching”, “advising”, “correcting”, and/or “guiding”, and therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison for years upon years.

Types Of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse rarely just involves criticisms or put-downs.  I’ve listed some more kinds of abuse below that you should be wary of.  Also, be a bit careful when you read this list.  For instance, you may find one or two symptoms of emotional abuse apparent in your life, but it doesn’t necessarily make your relationships absolutely and utterly emotionally abusive.  The more symptoms you recognize, the more likely you’re experiencing emotional abuse.

1.  Control and Domination.

• They may control your money and your spending.
• They may treat you as an inferior person.
• They may make you feel small by reminding you of your faults and shortcomings.
• They may make you feel as though they’re always right, and you’re always wrong.
• You may feel the need to “get permission” for every thing you do, or decision you have to make.
• They may give you disapproving, or condescending looks and comments.
• They may “chastise” you, and treat you like a child.
• They may control where you go, who you interact with, and/or what you do.
• They’re excessively possessive and jealous.

2.  Isolation and Neglect.

• They may have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions.  Instead, they deflect the blame onto you.
• They may have no regard for, and no interest in, the way you feel.
• They may use “the silent treatment” to punish you.
• They may withdraw affection from you to punish you.
• They may become deliberately emotionally distant from you for long periods of time.
• They purposely neglect to share important pieces of information with you.
• They may neglect to give you privacy, or purposely disrespect your boundaries.

3.  Bullying and Humiliation.

• They may call you names, or label you.
• They may belittle your success and triumphs.
• They may mock, impersonate or otherwise talk to you in sarcastic ways.
• They may accuse you of things that you never did.
• They may degrade or subtly humiliate you in front of other people.
• They may frequently make jokes at your own expense.
• You may feel intimidated or scared when voicing an opinion.

What To Read & Where To Go To Find Out More

If you are experiencing emotional abuse, or if you’re the one inflicting it, I’ve composed a list of resources that can help assist you with this quiet killer.

• The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick
• Emotional Abuse on Helpguide.org (including numbers you can call for help)
• Stories and experiences with emotional abuse (a community)
• Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz
• How To Stop Being Abusive (an article)
• How to Deal With Emotionally Abusive Parents (an article on WikiHow)

I’d appreciate any comments or stories of your own.  I read every one of them.

The post Emotional Abuse: The Quiet Killer appeared first on LonerWolf.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m writing this letter to let you help me.

I feel sad and very bad when you make angry faces at me and sometimes make me do things I hate doing.  This is why I’m naughty sometimes, and throw tantrums.

You don’t let me do things I love, instead you make me do things I hate.  Like playgroups.

Playgroups are very loud and tiring for me.  When you leave me with lots of strange people I feel like I want to run away, or I might explode.  Don’t force me to go to them.  Too much screaming and shouting and playing makes me tired sometimes, and also sometimes scared.  I hate playing with lots and lots of people, it confuses me!  I like playdates more.  But don’t make me go to them either.  Sometimes I like to play by myself.  Just like today.

I have an imaginary friend called Pummel.  He likes to sit with me and play cars and trains when the house is all quiet.  I like when the house is like that, and when I can sit and play with Pummel.  But he’s scared of the noisy people you bring to the house and tries to hide with me sometimes.  Just like yesterday.

I didn’t like the strange people that came into the house yesterday.  Can we get rid of them?  Sometimes they surprise me and make my face feel hot when they shake my hand, or pick me up.  I don’t like when they all look at me.  Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend they’re not there.  Can you not tell them about me please?  I feel embarrassed.

Many adults make me feel embarrassed.  I don’t like when I have to stand with you in front of them, and when you say I should talk to them and stop being so silent.  Sometimes I don’t feel like talking to ANYONE, not even Pummel.  I don’t even want to go to birthday parties sometimes, I prefer to make secret cities with my cars and trains.  I don’t know all the people at birthday parties and sometimes it makes me very shy.

I love when you hold my hand and walk with me.  I feel very happy and safe, but sometimes you make me do things and it makes me mad and scared inside.  I know that sometimes I’m not very friendly to other people and I don’t say much, but there are many good things inside of me as well.  I hope you can see these things too.

Love,
Christopher.

The post Parenting An Introvert From The Perspective Of A Child appeared first on LonerWolf.

Frozen, that’s what he was.  ”Deer in the headlights” would perfectly encapsulate the moment.

He was like the quiet deer stuck in the middle of the road, and she was like the headlights, her mouth beaming insult after insult.  I was sitting in a park watching this young man take responsibility for unwittingly getting in the way of a cyclist and almost making her fall.

She cursed at him – not with a casual cursory curse, but with carefully thought out, long, comprehensive curses, that embraced the whole of his humanity, and went off into the distant future, including all his relations and offspring, covering everything that would ever connect to him.  These were good, substantial curses.

And it was while watching all of this that something occurred to me.  All of us have a very special quiet, innate survival method which, like everything else that is silent and low-key, is forgotten or ignored.

Why What You Learnt In School Was False, And Why

The “Fight or Flight Response“.

We read it all the time in modern self-help books, and in human biology classes in school and university.  As you would know, the essential idea is that whenever we encounter danger of some sort our limbic system will either choose to make a run for it, or brave it out and face our predator.  If this were truly the case, we would be bruised, battered or exhausted most of the time.

But alas!  We’ve all seemed to overlook the very first strategy our bodies adopt to defend themselves against any perceived threat, a reaction that if acknowledged, could be an essential strategy in helping us reach a state of acceptance in the face of the anxiety-provoking situations we find ourselves in.

It’s called the ‘freeze response’.

Movement draws attention, whereas remaining unnoticed ensures our survival.  Think back to those days in high school when the teacher was picking “volunteers” to solve a maths problem on the white board in front of the entire class.  We would slouch a bit, sink into our seat and take shallow breaths.  We were trying to make ourselves small, almost invisible, by freezing.

Or imagine that you’re strolling through the jungle when you encounter a wild Lion.  Would you realistically stay and fight, or would you turn and run away?  Neither.  You freeze.

Many of us fail to realize that Fight or Flight is a secondary response, and was never the best response to deal with danger on hand.

Quiet Courage

Many animals not only freeze, they go all Zen-master and ‘become their actions’.  They play dead.  Opossums are one of several animals who embrace the freeze response.

But what does this all mean?

Society hails and worships gung-ho, powerful, action-orientated, extroverted ways of behaving.  To society, to fight or flight is to behave “successfully”.  It is to be dynamic, vibrant, attractive, and all the other crap you read in American CEO job descriptions.  Sure non-action can be harmful when misused, but there are certain situations in life when the “freeze” response deserves respect.

Non-action is not weak.  It takes immense self-control and courage to remain completely immobile while every every nerve in your body is telling you to run in panic or attack back.  In fact, not reacting actually teaches you the power of acceptance , of facing your fears head-on without the reactive desire to attack, or run.

Perhaps this is why we never acknowledged the “freeze response”?  It’s the outcast of human behaviour.  It doesn’t make us look like dominant-race heroes.

And we, the outcasted people understand that.  By nature, many of us are sensitive and quiet.  We don’t attempt to juggle with danger in order to be heroes.  We realize that running isn’t our strength, and we have no desire to escape to return later and win the war.

Nature doesn’t care about heroes, it only cares about survival.  Just look at the school shootings at Columbine and Virginia Tech.  Many of the surviving students used the freeze technique to survive.  By playing dead they managed to remain alive even while a few feet away from the killer.

There’s no shame in using the freeze response when under stress or danger.  Don’t feel the need to fight it, or run away from it.

So what’s the end to the incident I observed?

After five minutes of the cyclist allowing her own blood to boil, the young man apologized and walked away into the distance happily listening to his music.  And the cyclist women mounted her bicycle continuing to rant into the air.

The post Freeze! Forget Fight or Flight: The Quiet Survival Technique appeared first on LonerWolf.

Marriage.  It’s a topic discussed frequently at my age. I’m turning 25 this week and it becomes a looming ‘passing of age’ requisite into adulthood.  When I read discussions between people who are pro Choice Marriage Vs. Arranged Marriage I think: What’s the difference?  It’s like arguing whether suicide is better than murder.

In my last article I wrote about commitments, and a few days ago Luna asked a question on our Facebook page that received quite an interesting array of opinions and experiences.

To people with a predisposition for solitude and introversion marriage is the ultimate life commitment.  So I feel it’s something that must be evaluated very carefully.  This following analysis may disturb, tick off, and potentially unhinge you.  Or on the other hand, you might get a buzz out of it, and it might lift your spirits.  Either way, come join in, and let me know your thoughts at the end.

History of Marriage

Through our socialization we’ve been taught that marriage is the “way things are”.  Until only a few decades ago it was a non-negotiable prescription for love in the Bible and many other religious texts. Human relations however, reach a lot farther back than this.

About 10,000 years ago, Nomadic hunting tribes who foraged around for food, decided to settle down and grow their food in the same place.  This came as a result of the scarcity of animals to hunt, as well as the success female tribe members were having experimenting with the growth of small plants and herbs.

This single decision had several world changing effects.  Firstly, without having to move around, it became possible to accumulate food.  While as before tribes could only have 100 individuals to make sojourning possible, now many more people could settle, bringing about the establishment of small communities.  As these small communities began to grow, people began to know each other less, and began exchanging assets for assets, instead of sharing.  And so currencies were implemented.

This establishment of small communities brought about the creation of social institutions, such as churches, laws and the military.  For the first time ever, wealth could be hoarded.  Or, in other words, one person could amass much more than another, making them more powerful.  Personal security now depended on how much you accumulated.

But what does all this have to do with marriage?  Well firstly, agriculture forced people to become attached to the pieces of land they worked so hard on.  Suddenly, the feeling of “ownership” and private property that was non-existent in the Nomad culture, was born.  The only way to secure a piece of land for your future generations (that now were also seen with a sense of “ownership”) was to control females and their sexuality.

Originally, Nomads were polygamous and women could sleep around freely.  Often fathers didn’t know which children were theirs.  But now to make sure that the children who were going to inherit their wealth and hard worked lands were theirs, the concept of marriage was developed so no female could sleep with any other male and vice versa.

Interestingly, prostitution became the by-product of marriage as well.  Go figure.

How Selfless is Marriage?

So now, we’ve seen how the origin of marriage was to monopolize woman, and to treat them as another ‘private property’ item.  Luckily, as time passed it’s evolved into a much less selfish act.  But now, we’ve been taught that the powerful looking charade of marriage is something very romantic.

And sure, marriage is a hypnotizing experience.  It really makes you feel as though you’re doing an act of meaning.  Just think of the candles, the atmospheric locations, the sacred feeling of a priest and witnessing audience waiting to celebrate you.  This all makes you feel that something great is happening, when in fact, nothing is really happening.  The world doesn’t stop for you.  It doesn’t start vibrating, and petals don’t start falling from heaven, apart from the little girl told to throw them.

But that’s exactly what our fearful minds need: an act of meaning.  There’s a certain reassurance that comes when you feel a part of an institution that validates your love spiritually or legally.  What do social formalities have to do with the feeling of love?  They can’t give sanction.  Love is a personal feeling between two people yet we try to make these public sanctions feel like they’re sanctions in our hearts.

Love is a feeling of significance, but marriage is an experience of sole meaning.  Sure, that may be a good thing in the eyes of some people, but its meaning is to reassure our fearful, insecure minds that the other person won’t leave us.  Love is a feeling of the heart, whereas marriage is a more tangible safety net for the mind.

In the end, marriage is to make love a contract, to put law above love.  Just have a look around you, law has even made the marriage “business” lucrative, allowing you to get your “money’s worth” when things don’t go so peachy and everything ends in divorce.

It’s just another business transaction at the end of the day.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

It’s well known that introverts have longer lasting relationships than extroverts.  When you don’t seek constant stimulation it makes it much easier to remain content in a relationship.  Introverts are generally thoughtful and in search for depth and meaning which also helps in this area.  In any relationship however, it’s easy to become complacent, and that is the danger which we should be aware of.  After all, it’s human nature to take things for granted.

When we fall in love, we feel so ecstatic it’s understandable that we feel our love will last forever.  We’ve been taught all our life that true love lasts forever, so we start making promises for the future that we’ll love eternally.  But how can you make such promises for the future?  Nobody knows if that feeling will still be there or not.

Once you’re married there’s a duty involved of loyalty and commitment.  That dutiful love breeds an unhealthy kind of complacency.  When you promise to love someone forever, your mind begins to take the other person for granted, because they promised and you promised … so everything will be okay, right?

It’s all a bit naive, don’t you think?  What’s the point of working on a relationship that is safe?

Conclusion

It’s only when you’re kept on your tip toes in the dating stages of not knowing if the person might leave you for someone else – (because there’s no legal/spiritual commitment) – that you try your hardest.

Dutiful love is distasteful to receive, and in the end, the duty is much more important than the actual desire of love.  Marriage can work only if people learn to fall in love all over again with the same person every day – to wake up and be ecstatic that you’re still in love, and they’re still in love with you.  But marriage doesn’t play a part in that.

Love is like a flower, it blossoms unexpectedly.  Some last for a day or two and others for a whole season.  Love as a relationship helps you grow: it’s non-possessive and it gives you freedom.  Unfortunately some people are left clinging onto  dead flowers.

Don’t allow yourself to fall into a loveless marriage.

A loveless marriage is no better than prostitution.  In the end you sleep together for personal gain, in other words: financial comfort, fearfully appeasing other people’s opinions,  and avoiding the fate of being lonely.

The post Marriage For The Solitary: Don’t Make It Love’s Souvenir appeared first on LonerWolf.

Friday.  1:02pm.  Lunchtime.

I scramble away from the library with barely the clothes on my sweaty, shaking back.  I’m panting, and shaking like a freshly molested chihuahua.

It’s a war zone in there.

It’s as though they emptied the states local nursing homes into one, half acre block of land, and let them roam loose, wobbling, coughing, hacking up pieces of old-people phlegm.

They love to talk, oh yes, talking is their speciality.

Deceased pets, alive pets, attention deficit grandchildren, steamy senior fiction, retirement holidays, hemorrhoids, life stories … my eyes begin to throb like pacemakers.

But I’m free now, free!  Free from obligation to smile, nod, force awkward constipated laughs, free from social interaction of any kind.  I spot the most secluded spot I can find, a spot that will make me look like a brooding, cannibalistic serial killer, and quickly make my way over.  Finally, with a sigh of relief I realize there will be no more social purgatory for me.  At least for the next hour.

And then it happens.  Mavis.

“SO lovely talking to you in there love“.  I freeze, and every fiber in my body curls up and dies a slow and painful death.  I nod and smile, hoping to get away ASAP.  “I never told you about my son though, did I?  Ohh, he’s another story!“  I emit an awkward noise that sounds like a defecating seagull.  She smiles and nods consent.  “Oh yesss, Timmy was a real trouble maker -” and then the rest of her words melt into the despairing abyss of my bleeding brain.

I have to get out of this somehow, fast.  Suddenly a ball of snot swells up in the back of my throat.  Even my body doesn’t want me to talk.  So I suck it back, and swallow it down hard.  Mavis freezes, and looks at me with a disgusted glint in her eye, resuming soon after.

… Bingo!!!

Soon I begin willing more balls of snot to appear in my throat, and then I suck away, making shrill, unwholesome noises that makes Mavis recoil from me in horror.  Freedom is near!  I suck, and suck away, sometimes even swishing the balls around in my throat, rotating them around and around -  the sound effects are quite dramatic, sort of like the squelching sound of a toilet plunger.  Finally, after about 2 minutes of this, her pained, flushed red face smiles and bids me goodbye.

***

Disgusting habits like these have saved me more than once in unwanted social situations.  As a natural born people watcher, I’ve composed a list of real life disgusting habits that I’ve observed people doing in public – and stored them all in my brain.  Having a selection of disgusting habits to choose from is really a god-send lifesaver.  As an antisocial introvert, you could find that it’s the most useful tool set to possess.

So, here is a list of over 20 repulsive and utterly disgusting habits that have the power to save you from any unwanted social situation in less than 5 minutes!  Bon appetit.

27 Disgusting Habits That Can Rescue You From Unwanted Social Situations

1.  Suck snot.

2.  Belch, intermittently during talking.

3.  Pick your nose.

4.  Spit tobacco.

5.  Smoke – towards people’s faces.

6.  Cut/file your nails – blow them in the person’s direction.

7.  Eat excessively, with loud noises.

8.  Lick or suck on your fingers after eating food.

9.  Scratch your private parts – sighs of relief optional.

10.  Swear loudly, and excessively.

11.  Crack your knuckles.

12.  Chew gum or food with your mouth wide open.

13.  Eat off the floor.

14.  Let off gas.

15.  Talk with your mouth full of food – dribbling optional.

16.  Bite your nails.

17.  Pop a few zits.

18.  Use your fork as a back-scratcher.

19.  Laugh loudly and shrilly – ensure it is completely fake and over-the-top.

20.  Respond to every question in baby talk.

21.  Mock them.

22.  Make loud, embarrassing and/or humiliating remarks.

23.  Bathe infrequently – ensure your B.O smells like rich onion.

24.  Pick your long, filthy and unkempt fingernails – flicking optional.

25.  Interrupt after every 3 words.

26.  Repeat the words “OH MY GOD!” after every single thing they tell you.

27.  Cough up phlegm – face of disgust optional.

I hope you found my list of secret social weapons useful.  Please enlighten me with any of your own suggestions below.

The post 27 Disgusting Habits For Antisocial Introverts appeared first on LonerWolf.