THE BEGININING (No that’s not mispelled, it’s just fun to say!)
Graboids are large subterranean, worm-like creatures that were first discovered in 1889 in the small town of Rejection, Nevada (Later renamed Perfection).  Of course fossil records (As discovered by Kate Reilly in Tremors 2) show that Graboids are pre-cambrian lifeforms (Basically that means they are the oldest lifeform on the planet.) Originally the creatures weren’t called Graboids.  (Also they were never called “Tremors” as most people seem to call them, Zack Whittington included) They were referred to as “Dirt Dragons.”  The name Graboid came from a shop owner named Walter Chang who named the creatures and was then horribly eaten by them. (Some alternate names were: suckoid, snakeoid, Bing Crosby.)  Graboids hatched from eggs that can lay dormant for centuries, thus the reason Graboid appearances are so few and far between.  Once hatched the baby Graboid is about 3-4 feet long and tends to kill it’s prey by launching itself like a dodgeball into the victims chest, knocking them down and allowing it’s siblings to pull them apart limb by limb.  Pleasant, eh?

GRABOID (Caederus Americana)
Once the baby Graboids have matured and stopped playing with their Graboid Barbies and Graboid Tonka trucks they become the creatures we all fell in love with in the movie Tremors.  The adult graboid is about 30 feet long, and weighs around 15 tons.  Graboids have no eyes and thus hunt by sensing vibrations.  They travel underground at tremendous speeds using a series of spikes on their thick, leathery hides.  The Graboid head is a large, hardened, black beak that opens to reveal it’s gapping orange mouth.  All graboids (except for Stumpy and the Graboid (made by Lana Crooks) that appears in Long Pork shows) have a series of three serpent like tongues that are used to taste and grab prey, pulling the prey into it’s mouth with ruthless efficiency.  Graboids are highly intelligent creatures that have demonstrated the capacity for memory and the ability to learn.  For example, in Tremors (Click Link for the scene directly referenced in our show), a graboid was killed by having it swallow a pipebomb.  Another graboid saw this trap and thus spit the dynamite back out. So basically the only way to escape a Graboid is to find a large rock, water tower, roof, or other high stable location that “GETS YOU OFF THE GROUND!”

SHRIEKER (Caederus Mexicana)
First seen in the film Tremors 2: Aftershocks, the shrieker is the second evolutionary stage of the Graboid.  When it’s time for a Graboid to metamorphosis into a Shrieker, it will come out of the ground and beach itself, much like a whale.  After a period of several hours, between 3-6 Shriekers (depending on how much the Graboid ate before evolving) will burst from the Graboid’s belly leaving a hollow, goo filled shell behind.  Shriekers are land based bipeds (walk on two feet) that are about 5 feet long and 3.5 feet tall.  Shriekers, like Graboids, have no eyes but instead have heat vision (much like rattle snakes).  Shriekers hunt in packs and use their large numbers to overwhelm potential prey.  Shriekers are aptly named because of the immense shrieking noise they emit when they see prey.  However, the noise is meaningless because Shriekers are deaf.  Instead, when they shriek they let out an immense amount of heat and this is what signals other shriekers to get their asses over to the big people buffet.  This new heat vision attribute makes surviving a Shrieker attack, “a whole new ball game” (Quoted by Earl Bassett).  Shriekers  are asexual, meaning they reproduce without getting their potential mates drunk and pregnant in a 1972 Chevy Nova.  Shriekers actually reproduce by binging on food.  When they get enough food, they basically vomit out an infant that grows to full size Shrieker in a matter of hours.  Thus their breeding rate is exponential.  The best defense against Shriekers is a belt-felt fully automatic gun of your choice or covering yourself in a fire extinguisher and saying “Man this stuff is cold” (You know to really emphasize that you’re being sprayed with something cold.)  If you don’t have access to either of these elements, well, I’ll notify your next of kin.

ASS-BLASTER (Caederus Americana Combustus)
The third and final evolutionary stage in the Graboid life cycle.  First seen in the film Tremors 3: Back to Perfection.  Ass-blasters were named by Jody Chang (Grand-daughter of Walter Chang.  Fitting, really…)  The Ass-blaster looks like an elongated Shrieker at about 8 feet long and 4 feet tall.  They have heat vision just like Shriekers, but have now gained the ability to fly. (That’s right they fly now.  It was either that or they got a learners permit and learned to drive.  And I don’t know about you, but a pre-cambrian motorist is not my idea of a scary movie killer.  I see enough off them on the road already in the form of the elderly.  Ah thank you.)  The way that Ass-blasters fly relates directly to their name.  The Ass-Blaster works two chemicals into it’s tail section that come from separate organs in the body.  When the  chemicals mix, and are exposed to the air, they react violently, creating an explosion that lifts them into the air. This is similar to the Bombardier Beetle.  Ass-Blasters hunt in packs and tend to ride hot air currents while scanning the ground for prey.  Contrary to Shriekers, when Ass-Blasters eat a large amount of food, they do not reproduce, but rather go into a food coma.  (Once again things that should have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!)  Ass-Blasters carry inside them a single Graboid egg.  This coupled with the Ass-blaster’s ability to fly allows them to propogate the Graboid species across vast distances.  It is presumed that Ass-blasters migrate together like geese to a location where they will all lay their eggs together, much like sea turtles.  Thus started the lifecycle of the Graboid anew in a town near you!

So there you have it.  Everything you ever wanted to know about the Graboid and more….much….much more.  To find out more about Graboids, visit your local Burt Gummer and see what he has to say.   And with this article I have solidified my place in the halls of nerdiness among such greats as Harry Knowles and that kid that said “For-ev-er” in the Sandlot.

-Zoran Gvojic
Gentleman of Long Pork

References:
• “My Brain” Created by Susan Brown and Djordje Gvojic one drunken Fourth of July ©1982
• http://tremors.wikia.com
• Tremors Quiz: Which Are You?
• Stampede Entertainment: The makers of the Tremors films.
• Buy Tremors Attack Pack featuring Tremors 1,2,4, and 3!

As most of you know, OK Go has a pretty awesome new video that’s running around slapping everybody in the face. Well, that’s a pretty fine video to be sure, but if you haven’t seen the marching band version– Well brother, you ain’t lived! HIT IT!!

You can also download the track for free: here. ENJOY!

And for months now you have been checking this website for a little escapism.  A place to get away to.  A place where you can live amongst Vampires and Zombie Chefs, like we all dream of doing.  But recently these dreams have gone stale.  The Zombie just makes shake n’ bake for you now and you’ve now seen the elusive Vampires and they look like a stupid creature from Doctor Who.

You need something new to light your candle, wet your whistle, skin your grandmother and other such things!  Well, you are in luck!  LONG PORK HAS A NEW VIDEO!!! Yeppers  you read correctly (Unless you are dyslexic then instead read this: LONG PORK VIDEO NEW A HAS)!!!!  Great all on the same page now?!?

Check out our newest creation Greensleeves. This is the planting show everyone wishes was on thier local PBS station, because we all have planting show wishes that go year after year without being fulfilled.

So here you go!  Have fun!  And kiss your mom for us and apologize to her for that grandmother thing we said…

BOING!! BOUNCY! BOUNCY!! BOU-BOUNCY! BOUNCY!!! BOU-BOU-BOUNCY! BOUNCY!!!

We’ll stop bouncing off the walls before we continue.

BOUNCY! Bouncy. Bou-bouncy. boing… boing… and done.

Okay. All done.

Whew.

Now we should start packing our bags and looking for flights. Oh, well, the festival is a little ways off so… we’ll unpack our bags and refrain from packing until a more appropriate date. Let’s look at sometime early January for packing. However we’ll need to go back in time and tell our past selves to book flights well in advance so as to get the best rates possible for interstate travel.

Book early. Pack late. That’s our motto.

Although, we also have some other pretty sweet motto’s. Like: “Take it to the limit or don’t take it at all” or, “I asked for clogs on this trout, not lemon butter”.

At any rate, this is a very exciting time and we could not be more thrilled to be apart of it.

BOUNCY!

Stopping.

For festival and ticket information, please follow this link: SF Sketchfest 2010!

HAPPY FOURTH NIGHT OF HANUKKAH, PRETTY PEOPLE!

Our friends at Bughouse Theater have graciously invited us to show a video at their monthly “BugHouse Short Film Contest!”.

Last time we showed “VAMPIRES:THE MOVIE” and won second place.

This time we are showing “ZOMBIE CHEF”! I have a sneaking suspicion that this time the crowd will favor us even more because everyone loves Christmas!

What? –innocent look

That doesn’t make sense to you? Zombies. Christmas. Hello? It’s like peanut butter & chocolate. Their perfect together! Come on… I’m… I’m not alone on this.

Guys, back me up.

crickets… crickets…

Guys?

crickets…

WELL, enough jabber from me– ON TO THE DETAILS:

The Upstairs of Mullen’s Bar & Grill in Wrigleyville
[3527 N. Clark Street Chicago, Illinois 60657-- call for more info. (773) 325-2319]
Tickets are $10
Doors open at 8:00PM.

The price you pay at the door goes to help Bughouse Theater raise money to get their own space.
Oh, what is BugHouse Theater, you ask? Well, BugHouse Theater is an up-and-coming theater company here in Chicago that may or may not love us enough to put some of our own shows up someday.

–PUPPY EYES, give them the PUPPY EYES–

To find out more check out www.bughousetheater.com.

So come out and have some fun, drinks, and laughs with us at Mullen’s.

Until next time– Much love.

Voting is over for the Chicago Metromix “So You Think You Can Funny?” Contest.

We’d like to thank everyone that voted for us and to everyone that voted each day. We really appreciate the love and support. It was really down to the wire. We had a strong lead in the beginning, 13%, eventually dipping down lower and lower. We ended at 7%. Which is amazing when you think about it. A lot of people didn’t even get a percentage.

In short, we feel the love.

Somebody likes us… And it’s you.

And you want to know something… We like you too.

To find out the end-END results, check back on Dec.7th right.

In the meantime, we are working hard on new material, and new video’s, and new words for new. So that way when you come back to visit, you at least know a new word for new.

So, get ready for some more tasty Long Pork!

It’s time to vote for the funniest video in the “So You Think You Can Funny?” Contest for The Second City & Metromix Chicago!

Exciting! Dangerous! Wondrous! We are really exhilarated to be in the running and now we need your votes to be in the Top 5. We’d love to be in the top 5 (who wouldn’t?) and be seen by a panel of Second City alumnus — Fred Willard, Rachel Dratch, Jeff Garlin and Mick Napier!

It goes without saying, but sometimes it’s nice to say, how much we love all of you for the support you give to us.

We would also like to give a shout out to our man, Zoran Gvojic, for his video “Cell Phone P.S.A.“, which is great. So, on the off chance you don’t love “Vampires: The Movie“, at least your vote can go to one of The Gentlemen.

But, as much as we love Zoran, vote for “Vampires: The Movie“.

So to recap:
Vote for “Vampires: The Movie“.
We love Zoran.
Oh, and vote for “Vampires: The Movie” and show The Gentlemen of Long Pork some love!

Your Friends,
The Gentlemen

We have been accepted into the ninth annual largest sketch-comedy festival in the country! YES! JOY!! BOOYAH!!!

Now comes the tough part: What to wear? Because we don’t want to show up in the same outfits we wore before. We have to out do ourselves. We have to stand out. We need to sparkle like vampires in the sun. Diamond skin. We know we have a few things laying around but, everything looks so, festive. It’s as if everything we own makes us look like we are going to a party, or a wedding. We haven’t been to a party, or a wedding for that matter, in hours.

Should we wear these black suits, with those pink shirts, and red ties?

Mmmmm, no, no.

Maybe these black suits, with those pink shirts, and red ties?

Eeeeeee, nah, no, nope.

Ah-HA!

We’ll wear these black SUITS, with those pink SHIRTS, and red TIEZ!

FRAK YES!

Now we are cooking with a very unstable chemical that is on fire! That “Z” really helped. I love that letter sometimes.

For festival and ticket information, please visit Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival.

Hmmm, now to figure out which black shoez to wear…

Ha, there it is again.

Edgey.

So as you might have guessed from the title of this post, Long Pork won second place.  “At what!?!” you may ask.  Maybe a free flow dancing contest, a how much weight do you lose after taking a dump contest, or even a which is better: Apple, Microsoft, or Long Pork contest.  Well it was none of those!  I’ll tell you what it was right (BANG!)….

I’m sorry to interrupt this blog message, but that man had to die.  He was evil and didn’t deserve to live, but now he has left us with an unfortunate cliff hanger.  What could Long Pork have possible won second place in?  Maybe it was (BANG!)….(BANG, BANG,BANG!).

Sorry everyone, I’m not dead as you originally thought.  I was only faking it until my evil twin Philip took his attention off me.  As I was saying:

LONG PORK took second in the first monthly “BugHouse Short Film Contest!”.  “Vampires: The Movie” came in a close second (the other film had more people there to vote).  We are super proud of our little film and it’s writer, our amazing Zack. 

Oh what is BugHouse?  BugHouse is an up-and-coming theatre here in Chicago.  It’s a great project that everyone should get behind.  To find out more check out www.bughousetheater.com.

Also, look out for “Vampires” to make it’s way into a certain Second City contest for short films (more to be announced soon)!

And lastly, if you stubbled upon this posting and it’s still Friday, November 6th before 10pm and you are looking for some entertainment, LP’s very own Charley Carroll will be performing in “Co-ed Prison Sluts!” at the Annoyance Theatre in Uptown tonight.  Go listen to him sing the high notes and croon the low notes, vibrating all the right bones in your body.

Oh yes, and the $5,000,000 dollars that LP stole from the bank is buried right over at 222 M (BANG!)

LP

Pretty self explanatory, Zoran’s got some good stuff in the works for Long Pork in the future as well… or so he says.