Looking Through The Glass {the blog}

Taking Over

2012-01-23T08:25:00.002-05:00

I really worry about Kolin. He is hell bent on making sure that I know it is his job and his job only to take over where his Dad left off. He tells me all the time, he is the man who Daddy left in charge. This kills me cuz there is so much stress and sadness sometimes and he shouldn't always have to hold it in just to make everyone feel better believing he is strong.
Just for the record...he breaks down quite often too, but he never realizes that I know.

Life goes on....
Though your miles away, and I miss you.

Peace.....

The Mustard Seed

2012-01-11T17:58:00.002-05:00

“Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”.

The mustard seed necklace given to him represents, after a little over a year, that he has let God back into his heart and his life. Since then things for my boy have gotten much, much better. His anger and depression have since gone. He smiles, laughs and enjoys life {and girls!} just like any other teen.
Yes, the sadness still rears it's ugly head from time to time BUT he can finally open up and talk about his Dad without tears and hatred towards those he feels responsible.

He goes to teen youth groups, prays, has long talks with God, apologizes to Him all the time for his past behavior and ugly words, and I have to say, he's the new improved Bear and I am so, so proud of him.

I love You Bear!!!!!

32

2012-01-10T17:24:00.002-05:00

Thirty Two Years...we would have been together that long today.
One crazy just by chance meeting in a High School cafeteria was all it took to start a love so strong even death couldn't take that away.

We always dreamed of growing old together, holding hands walking into restaurants, getting our senior citizen discounts. Still madly in love, even with the saggy baggy eye lids and the wrinkles and the gray hair...two crazy old people loving each other always.

Today, as busy as I was running errands...that man of mine let me know he was there.
Starting with me leaving the high school parking lot at seven this morning, the pick up truck in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Wife"...staring right at me. Almost as if it was supposed to be put right in front of me, so I could see it and smile.
I feel him right next to me during these times.
At least six times today when I got back in the car and turned on the radio...there it was, another song the two of us shared so many times throughout these years.
It was amazing, it really was.
Times like that I can only smile...smile and say "I love you too".

I hope he can still check in on the blog. He used to joke that the blog was the only way he had of knowing what was going on around here.
I hope he can Facebook too because there are still so many times I will pour my heart and soul out to that man.

I hope he can see what our new grandchild will look like, and I hope he can see the little spitfire this one still is....

She is just like her Grammpa as far as being a hell raiser {she really fits into our family!} and she takes after her Gramma for her love of all things homemade knitted, especially if they are purple. :)

Tonight, as to not break tradition...the boys and I will have dinner with candlelight. Never anything special...just chili dogs and a whole lot of love and memories of the most beautiful man ever.

I hope your reading this right now Vinzo...I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Kickin' Cancers Ass For TEN Years!!

2012-01-08T16:28:00.002-05:00

Ten years ago today we looked into the tear filled eyes of the Dr., all of us stunned speechless as he handed Karl and I the results of Kody's very first Brain MRI at age 6 1/2.
None of us knew what the future held, grim...that's all that could be said.
"I will pray for your little boy" were the only words that Dr. could get out.

Ten years ago we were told our son would be with us about another year and his quality of life would be horrible as that tumor would quickly & painfully take over his brain before it stopped his heart forever.

Ten years ago who could have predicted this 16 year old would still be with us today, healthy, strong, funny, kind, loved and cherished.
His Daddy did...all those years ago, his Daddy stood strong and said to him "Kody, you remember where you came from, we are tough ass hell raising New Yorkers and we don't take shit from nobody, especially this tumor. You fight with all your might and I will fight right along with you."

Ten years ago I was the only one in this world who witnessed that man break down on his knees begging God to take him and not his precious little boy.

True to his word, he was with Bear every step of the way. Every appointment, every good day, every bad day, holding him up when he couldn't walk, feeding him when he couldn't hold a spoon, praying and even swearing to God over his boy's seizing nine year old body.
True to his word and his wishes, he left us first, so that when it is our time to pass, he will be the very first one we see, we hold, we walk with. Always the protector.

That's what Daddy's do, don't they?

Kody, You are my hero, my inspiration and my best friend.
Keep kickin' ass baby, we are ALL so proud of you!!!!!!
Love you forever, and ever and ever...Mom :)

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T07:57:00.003-05:00

Have yourselves a Very Merry Christmas!!
Love from the entire Kruppenbacher Family, and especially from our most loved and missed member, Our Angel...
Karl <3

One Year Today...

2011-12-22T16:17:00.002-05:00

One year ago today your physical body left, but your spirit will forever remain in my heart, in my tears and in the eyes of the six beautiful gifts you gave me, our children.
My memorial back piece is complete and is dedicated to you My Vinny.
Many people ask me if it hurt...yes, of course it did...but it can never compare to the hurt I carry in my heart every day.
I love you Vinny...Always and Forever, Till Death Do Us Part.

~Your Izzy~

The top banner is from Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven and says "Would You Know My Name If I Saw You In Heaven" and the bottom banner says, "A Perfect Chapter Laid To Rest" from Avenged Sevenfold's "So Far Away".
The two dates in that banner on the left is 4-19-80 {the day we got married} and 12-22-10 {the day he died}.
Absolutely everything in that back piece mean something to him and me, some very personal...even the three stars above his head. There is nothing there that he wouldn't be able to pick out as something special between the two of us.

People heal in different ways, this tattoo was nine months in the making, and my own way of trying to heal from the greatest hurt I have ever felt in my life.
If statistically couples who have been together and share a love as deep as ours die within a year of each other...I've often wondered, why the hell am I still here?

At the end of the day we'll start year two...it doesn't seem real that he's gone.
In about 45 minutes from now, that is exactly one year.
Every day I stare outside and imagine his car pulling up, the way I'd walk down the driveway to meet him or the way he would come through the garage door. The was he smelled, the way he held me close, the way he made me feel so loved.
Time does not heal...at least it hasn't for us yet.

Thank you to everyone who has followed us throughout this journey.
I have no idea yet where life will take us this year, I pray for some healing, a pray for less tears and more smiles, I pray that we still remain and strong and close knit family as always.
We have our ups and downs, don't get me wrong...we have our arguments just like everybody else and sometimes they can get pretty heated.
But, when we take a deep breath and step back and realize the pain from losing the most beautiful man that ever walked this planet is the cause for most of that ugliness...it's then and only then can we stop and remember one thing...

What would Vinny want us to do?

Have a beautiful day everyone, cherish every moment with the ones you love.

A New Life...

2011-12-14T20:09:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting a few weeks to share the news, I wanted it to be before the reality of this month hits.
I wish we could have shared this as a complete family, but I know Karl is there with us and I am sure knew before we did.

Anyway, with that being said I would like to announce to you all tonight that our oldest daughter, Karyelle and her fiance Chaz are expecting their first baby in July!!!!

Yup, I am going to be a Gramma once again. :)

This past year a life very dear to us was taken suddenly, this coming year a baby will be born into our family, while not making us complete again...it will give us something very beautiful and precious to look forward to, possibly even a way for all of us to heal somewhat.
I am sure without a doubt, because he has proven it...that there is one very proud Grammpa in Heaven already looking after this sweet baby.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Remembrance Night

2011-12-11T09:10:00.005-05:00

Last week, Beyers, the funeral home we used had it's annual Remembrance of Life at a church out in Fruitland Park. All the families who have lost a love one this past year are invited to attend a service in which we wee given a dove ornament to place upon a tree in memory of our loved one. The dove has that persons name on it.
While I couldn't get all the kids there, Kyle we know why and Karyelle because she had been hit hard with the flu..the rest were there and Adriana too.

I have to say, it was absolutely beautiful.

For those of you who believe, like we do, that our loved ones an still be around us in spirit, and to those of us who do believe in "signs", I have to tell you...

I saw him.

Call me crazy, it's OK {lol}, we were sitting in the middle section, third row down and I was at the end of the pew right near the center of the church, Kody was next to me.
Right before it started, people were sitting all around, talking and whatever...you know when lots of people talk all at the same time it gets loud. My kids were talking amongst each other and Adri, well Adri was being typical 4 year old firecracker Adri.
I was deep, really deep in my thoughts of Karl/My Vinny when I look to my right and sure as I am typing this right now for a split few seconds it seemed, he was kneeling down there right next to me, beautiful..handsome...and dressed in an all white suit, long hair braided back, gorgeous smile, the brightest eyes and no glasses, a "glow" around him.
He looked right into my eyes and said "I love you" and I said "I love you" to him. I also said "Please take me with you Vin" and he said "Not yet Izz, take care of my babies", then he was gone...just like that.

Well, not a minute after, Kody, who was taking this night incredibly hard, nudged me and said "Mom...I just saw a white mist" and soon as he pointed to where, which was in front of us, on the floor, to our right next to a step to go up to the alter I saw it too. It was there and then it was gone, that fast.
I looked for anything to rule out why a white mist would be there, no fog machine, no weird lights, no anything...just a step with a green carpet and a small nativity scene a couple of feet away.
BTW, Kody is a believer too. :)

It gets better. When we got home, Kaysha was anxious to upload the pictures to the computer, she is my "orb" finder...she can spot them in a photo in an instant.
Sure enough, quite a few of the photos {taken with a new point and shoot camera, only used for the second time} were small orbs. The one or two surrounding us were almost always on Kody and Adriana.
Because I tend to take two or three pictures in a row when Kody is in them because of his eye tics {he closes his eyes in most pictures}, I would think if it were something on the lens it would have been in each picture since I take them a second apart...but they weren't.

I'll post some orb pics within the next couple of days, for now though...I have these from our night of remembrance...

Thank you everyone for being so patient, I know I have been lacking a lot on keeping up the blog.
This is a horrible month to get through, between the one year anniversary of Karl's death and trying to remain sane with the holidays...it has, I can honestly say, been real bad, probably one of the worst months ever. Last year the shock still had us numb, this year the reality has really settled in and the pain is there all day, every day.

I was sent this on facebook, I thought it was really sweet...

"Don't need an angel on top of my Christmas tree, I have one in Heaven looking down on me"

Have a beautiful day everyone. :)

Thanksgiving

2011-11-27T07:32:00.002-05:00

Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone.
Somehow we made it though....

They say grief comes in waves, that is very true. Lately I feel like this wave is pulling me under.

On a happier note, Bear's hair is finally grown back where he had his surgeries. The scar still shows a lot though cuz he has to keep it so short for ROTC.
He still gets a lot of teasing in school...it's getting old, but he still somehow manages to keep his cool and walk away.
I do feel kinda sorry for the first person who ends up crossing that line though, this kid is a walking ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Counseling hasn't worked, I don't know what to do. The grieving waves plus being a teenager have been crashing down on him hard too. :(

The boys spent the night at their sisters so yesterday I was actually alone. You would think I'd love it, but I really did miss the sounds of having my boys around me. It was lonely.
I did treat myself to a movie. Going alone wasn't too bad, Breaking Dawn was AWESOME!! Yup, I love the Twilight movies. :)

Today I got to go pick them up so I better get my move on.

Speaking of their sister...I have got some new to share this week!!!

Have a beautiful day everyone.

Halfway There...

2011-11-16T07:40:00.002-05:00

The weeks about half over!!!

Boggy Creek was great, totally freakin' awesome...the boys had THE BEST time ever!! For two days they were able to relax, have fun, laugh and forget. I can't even tell you how nice it was to not have to hover over them, to not worry if they were OK, to just leave them be with their camp pal, Paul.
Fun times...lots of memories!!

Kolin, in particular really needed this get-a-way. :)

Till later, I better get going. I have one more to get up and get to school.

Love u all!!!

Inspiration...

2011-11-11T11:22:00.002-05:00

Just trying to make it thru another day...

life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are...

~Bernice Johnson Reagon

memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely...

~quote by Becky Aligada.

what we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us...

~Helen Keller

Boggy Creek Camp had a cancellation for family weekend, I got the call this morning that we were #1 on the waiting list and would we like to go...Heck Yes!!
So, we are gone till Sunday.

Love you all!!

There's His Sign...

2011-11-01T10:50:00.002-04:00

This past Sunday Kolin's team advanced into game four of the playoff's, which was at Florida Citrus Bowl Stadium in Orlando.

I know Kolin was excited but I also know he was very sad because he wants his Dad to be watching him in the worst way.
Family times were great when we'd all travel together and Karl was always so proud of him.
Well, as soon as we pulled off the 408 and into the stadium parking lot....this truck was parked right there in front of us.

There was his sign..

I wish I would have been able to photograph the smile on that boys face cuz it was priceless. :)

Happy Halloween Boo!!

2011-10-31T08:01:00.002-04:00

From...
~*~Michael Myers in Halloween~*~

Happy Halloween to everyone! We keeping it low key, the boys are getting to old anyway...I bought them a few huge bags of candy, that's all they really wanted, they're teenagers. :)

My grandbaby/Grandsnakebabies is another story.

Here's a few of Adri I took of her last week in her "Punk Rock Witch" outfit...

And some of KK's "babies"...

The last picture of the two snakes, were born on my birthday...so that's makes them a month old. They have two different personalities..one being very laid back and quiet, the other being hyper and all over the place. :)

Have a great Halloween and be careful out the tonight!!

Not A Day Goes By....

2011-10-25T16:51:00.000-04:00

That I don't think of you Baby.

LMFAO

2011-10-24T09:10:00.000-04:00

OMG I love this!!!

Today just might be a good day. :)

Ten Months

2011-10-22T08:59:00.002-04:00

Days like today makes me realize again of how fragile and precious life really is...and of how quickly it can be taken away.
Ten months today :(

To My Sweetheart...

When I close my eyes, I see you. when I dream, I dream of you. When I think, I think of you. I miss you more than you would ever know.
Ten months today you left me...still confused, broken and in desperate need of your hug...the kind that came at the end of the day, when we'd been apart for too many hours and it seems liked eternity.
Now I really do know what eternity is. It may be your paradise, but it feels like my hell.
I love you Vinny, that love will never stop and I miss you more then words typed into a computer could ever show. ♥ ♥ ♥

Always and Forever...
Your Izzy

Today I feel like the half of my soul that he didn't take with him is painfully searching to get the half he took, back again.

I Can't Do This Anymore....

2011-10-19T17:19:00.003-04:00

Why is it always so much easier to fake a smile then hide a tear.
I can't do this anymore, faking happiness...it's not me.
I am so sad, I can't stop thinking about him, I want him back so bad. He's all I will ever want, my beautiful, perfect husband.

I want to be alone, I need to be alone. I'm not good company, I'm really not.

I've decided that I need to get away for a little while, just a little while.
I really have nowhere to go, so I was thinking maybe just pack up the boys and surprise them with a trip to see Kyle. I think they would love that, I know Kyle would..I haven't seen him in almost 4 years.
I just have to face my fears, set that GPS and go for it. Vinny would be proud. :)

Behind this face is a woman who is hurting so deeply, I can't even describe the pain anymore.

That is his actual handwriting, a heart he made in the sand a couple summers ago. I am so happy I had the camera with me and snapped a quick picture. Anyway, my friend Ande, who is talented beyond belief, made my vision come alive...his actual handwriting forever embedded on me.
The beach scene at sunset was our favorite place to be and our favorite time to be there.
The purple orchid represents me, the yellow on in the sky is him and the 6 off to the side our for the kids, three pinks for the girls, three blues for the boys.
"Life is Beautiful" his favorite thing to say and the song a couple months prior that he would listen to and insist when he died he wanted it played at his funeral.
How could he have ever known?

This tattoo is our family, our beautiful, broken family.

Heaven

2011-10-17T10:44:00.002-04:00

This weekend I felt the strong need or a pull to get up early, make some coffee, grab the camera and head out while the boys were still asleep to watch the sunrise over Lake Harris.
I needed to be alone, with my thoughts, with my music and with my God.
The "Big Man" and I needed to talk. I needed some V-Man time too. There were a few things I just can't agree with. I think we all know what they are.
No sooner did I tell them to tighten up, our wedding song came on my phone's mp3.
I guess I might have got my point across. :)

Anyway, the sunrise over Lake Harris...

I'd love to get that book started, does anybody have any idea who I contact, where to start, what to do. I'm lost...and this book has been a calling for sometime now, even before he left.
His death would complete "A Perfect Chapter Laid To Rest".

Have a great day everyone!!

PS. Kolin won this weekends game 33-0, they are in the playoffs...which starts tomorrow night, weather permitting, we are supposed to have some bad storms starting tonight and into tomorrow. Lots of tornado activity is predicted. :(

So Mad, So Frustrated, So Tired Of Kids BS

2011-10-12T18:12:00.002-04:00

Kody's first day back at school and he was up, ready and so happy to go back and then...

"To all the haters at LHS, my son is NOT a freak, it's a scar and he earned it by having three surgeries in a week and a half...keep laughing cuz he was raised by the best and if you turn out to be a fraction of the man he is now it will be a damn miracle. Remember what goes around comes around. You don't have to call him "Sir" but you can call him "SIR-VIVIOR"!"

Don't mess with a Momma Bear's cubs, ever. :(

From The Past

2011-10-10T18:56:00.002-04:00

I've been struggling again lately, it seems like here we go again...grief, grief, grief...I could write my own book on it.
On love, marraige, lots of kids, a sick kid, life, death, grieving.
Sometimes I wish I knew where to start cuz I would write one, I really would.

I dreamed of Karl, My Vinny two nights ago. In my dream we were back in NY on the streets of Lake Peekskill {where we moved from to move here}.
He was wearing his famous {UGH} work clothes again {LOL} but instead of running towards him I was running away from him. He kept chasing me down, smiling.
Why in the hell would I be running away from him. Stupid..so stupid and I was so mad at myself when I woke up.
A perfect chance to steal a hug, a kiss, anything and I ran away. Damn it.
Dreams don't come often, but when they do I like to think I had a good part in them. Not this time.

Anyway, this morning I was looking for an old picture of Kaysha. I have tons and tons of folders on this computer full of photos and one of them caught my eye.
A picture of me and kolin was in the front and I knew it wasn't the folder I wanted yet something {or someone} made me click on it and open it anyway.
WOW!!
It was like striking gold.
About six photos I had long forgotten about, till today when I had this huge wave of memories come splashing down on me.
Most of them were funny...us sticking our tongues out, hamming it up for self portrait we were trying to take that day a couple summers ago.

This is one of them
I have the look of "Wait..I'm trying to find the...hold on...oh damn where it it..stupid shutter button...SNAP...oops, there it is". I'm sure he was trying real hard not to LHFAO ;)...

How can one picture make me so happy and so sad at the same time.
Grieving is a sucky world my friends.

Baby Blanket

2011-10-09T09:36:00.002-04:00

Knitting and photography, wow...I put it down for the longest time. I had such a hard time picking up and doing the things that I once enjoyed. I don't know why, but the guilt of being happy just tore me up.

Slowly though I am picking things up again, trying to get into that "zen" mode and it does help...especially at night, nights are always the worst.

I made this cute light aqua colored baby blanket...then gave it away.

It doesn't bother me at all to pour my heart into something and then give it away. For me, it just makes it so much more worth the hours spent when I can make someone else smile. You all make me smile so why not pay it forward?

This weekend I've been working on a cardigan style sweater...trendy, not oldish lol. The nights at Kolin's practice are getting chilly, I may just have to keep that one. :)

As for the future...I'm stuck in don't want to make any one mad land.
Not my kids, not my family, not even Karl's family.
Sometimes it's not all about me, you know?

Have a beautiful weekend everyone. Love to you all!!

What a Rainy Weekend

2011-10-08T16:00:00.002-04:00

And a great day for football, cuz at the very least...it may have been pouring rain and wind this morning at Kolin's game...it wasn't snow. :)

His team, the Leesburg Jr. Jackets {Pop Warner Midgets} won 19-12 and I think we are down to our last two games before playoffs...which is looking pretty good we'll be going to.

It's soon going on one year since I lost my beautiful, loved and very much missed Vinny. I still write him love letters and talk to him all the time as if he's standing right next to me. I kiss the box of his ashes good morning and good night every day. I still sleep with the stuffed snowman he won me from a Walmart toy crane machine just a week before he died.
I wish he'd give me some advice as to what the future holds.
He's my Soulmate and I know this, I know it with all my heart...but, and here it comes, finally...

Was I meant to be alone forever, to always be known as "the widow"? God, I loathe that word.
How do I ever give my heart to someone else and the most important question of all, what will my children think?
Right now they are pit bulls...chasing away anyone that remotely looks in my direction lol.
Some days I find it amusing, some days I want to tell them to stop, I mean...someone is looking at me...me?? Or maybe they're looking at the chick behind me and I'm just wishful thinking.

Most days I'm still trying to figure out the balance between grieving for a man I loved with all my heart and soul and secretly wanting that feeling of being loved and loving someone again...it almost feels like some kind of dirty little secret, you know?

In the meantime, on days when I don't want to be bothered with all that drama...I just wear this...

It totally keeps the unwanted far, far away. :)

Still Here

2011-10-07T18:09:00.003-04:00

It's been too long since I've checked in, we're still just adjusting to being home, catching up, Kody's stitches and staples needing attention, meds to take, Kolin's back in school this week so that means trips back and forth..oh and Adriana has been horribly sick.
Strep, ear infections, stomach virus. Because of her sleep apnea we've been having to keep her on her monitor...plus keep her far away from Kody.

Kody goes back to the Dr on Tuesday, so hopefully he'll be cleared to go back to school.

Well, I hate to run but I promised the boys I'd take them to the High School homecoming game tonight and it's getting late.

TTYLL!!

So Good To Be Home!

2011-10-02T19:09:00.001-04:00

Kody is getting better and better every day and you have no idea how good it feels to be home!! :)

Go Jets!!!!!

Miracle...

2011-09-30T21:29:00.001-04:00

Home...Sweet...Home.

There is nothing in the world like being home. :)