It gets worse.

Noses play a central role in many people’s self esteem. It is the focal point of our faces, second only to the eyes.  But you have to get beyond the nose to even get to the eyes, and if yours is larger than life or crooked as a creek, it is going to draw attention and probably affect the outcome of your psychological growth.  So the person gets a little obsessed – big deal?  But hypochondriacs, they say?  Well, if your nose is the size of Wyoming or the shape of a left-hand turn sign, a simple cold is going to be much, much worse, don’t you think?  And if you’re already obsessed with the damned thing and it doesn’t work right…well, you know what I mean.

But as I said, it gets worse.  As LookinGood went nosing around for more information on this peculiar psychological phenomena, we discovered that one of the side effects of rhinoplasty – aside from the pain and expense – is depression.  No one knows why nose job patients experience uneasiness or a slump after surgery.  Some say it’s the side effects of anesthesia, but I’ve never heard of a person getting depressed after an appendectomy, have you?  Others say it’s because of sleep deprivation – patients have to sleep sitting up for a couple weeks after surgery. A recent report from Pharmacology & Physiology in Anesthetic Practice, has a physiological explanation:  “Disrupting the sensitive receptors … which moisten and control the temperature of the air which you breathe … can lead to minor disorientation and depression for several weeks and sometimes months after rhinoplasty.”

Whatever the reason, it just seems plain unfair.  And at the risk of pointing out the obvious – why the hell did they name it “rhino”- plasty, anyway?  Conjures up the image of circus animals, for heaven’s sake!

All plastic surgery comes with some price, but this seems a bit much, I think.

So I say to to those people suffering the snide remarks and self-consciousness about their schnozzes; the mental anguish of making a decision about plastic surgery, along with the depression that might come as an after-effect, just remember these important words:

“It’s not the size of a nose that’s important. It’s what’s in it that matters.” (Steve Martin)  I hope that helps.

Now, you’ll never know…

May 19, 2010: Boston has a notorious mobster who has been on the lamb for 16 years and is presumed to be very much alive.  On the eve of his arrest, he and his girlfriend were tipped off, so they slipped off – and haven’t been caught yet.  Whitey Bulger is now 81 years old and Catherine Greig is 59. Not exactly Bonnie and Clyde mind you, but Whitey is on the FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted List – right under Osama Bin Laden [editor’s note. If you haven’t heard, they got him, too.]

One day not long ago, a crack FBI agent found that Greig had some plastic surgery done before she disappeared.  Whitey likes his girls young and sassy, evidently.  She had a facelift, a nose job, liposuction, and breast implants, and she was only 43 years old then.  It must have been an AHA! moment when the agent also realized that it was highly likely that she (and perhaps even HE) might be a candidate for cosmetic adjustments in the future.  So, what did the Bureau do?

They took out an ad in the April-May edition of Plastic Surgery News, a newsletter that goes out to nearly 6,000 plastic surgeons around the world!  It was a full-page color ad with pictures of both fugitives and details of all Greig’s nips/tucks, right down to the product and lot number engraved on each of her implants!

I won’t get started about implants being used as tracking devices (“Lieutenant, I think we’ve picked up a signal from her left nipple!”), but only because these people are seriously dangerous citizens.  In fact, I want to be helpful, so it occurs to me that the FBI might not know that plastic surgeons readily use the Internet now to “capture” customers.  They should simply ask physicians to be alert for particular kinds of questions in email correspondence from potential patients.  Questions like:

1)    Are you willing to do house calls?  If yes:

a.     Do you mind being blindfolded during the trip?

b.     Are you claustrophobic?

2)    If you are not willing to travel:

a.     Can you do this surgery without actually looking at me?

b.     How many exits are there in the recovery room?

3)    Do you take unmarked bills for payment?

4)    As a gesture of your commitment to doctor/patient confidentiality, please include with your reply, the location of the schools where your children attend classes.

The story of Whitey Bulger and Boston’s Winter Hill Gang is filled with treachery, murder and corrupt law enforcement officials.  There are already best-selling books and it’s almost guaranteed to make a blockbuster movie someday.  And now, with the addition of tracking Catherine Greig’s implants – well, this is just the stuff of Hollywood, don’t you think?

Face exercises have been around for half a century, dating back to a 1959 Vogue article, according to the Los Angeles Times. “Face yoga” as it is most commonly called, has resurfaced, what with the economy reducing the amount of disposable income out there for nipping and tucking.

“The Yoga Face,” by Annelise Hagen and “The Yoga Facelift” were both published a couple years ago, and the books on facial exercises have been rolling out every since. The idea is that toning and firming the muscles, as well as relieving the tension that builds in your face (think of your clenched jaw or pursed lips as your boss tells you she needs three more stories to post in the next hour …) will mean fewer wrinkles and a younger look. **

Both medical experts and yoga instructors have weighed in on whether or not it works, and most agree it can’t hurt, but equating the effects to plastic surgery is, well, stretching it. Keeping these muscles fit can delay many of the effects of aging, but it ain’t gonna hold ‘em off.

You’re also not going to see the difference overnight, although you will feel it. Yes, in the name of good research, and being just a little goofy by nature, I tried the exercises found on FatFreeKitchen.com, plus a forehead exercise I found on YouTube. My kids think it’s hysterical, but I can definitely feel the muscles worked, just as I can feel the muscles throughout my body after a regular yoga session.

Yoga instructors who incorporate this into regular circuits, and those hawking books, say it takes three or four weeks to notice a tightening and firming in your facial appearance. Again, not as quick or effective as a facelift, but you can’t beat the cost.

And less stress in my face could be reason to smile.

• Gaiam.com includes Face Yoga as part of personal growth.
• Carole Maggio published a DVD on advanced “facercise” which you can buy on Amazon.com.

(**Editors note:  I have NEVER asked Michelle for 3 more stories in an hour.)

Whew! Well, you know the rest.

Vampires have always been about sex, and Halloween should not be their holiday.  Jack Pierce was hired as the makeup artist for the first Dracula movie in 1931, but Lugosi insisted on doing his own face.  Pierce had been the makeup man for Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein that same year and Lugosi understood that Dracula was not monstrous in his appearance.  He was sexy, mysterious and intense.  Perhaps a little pale, but seductive when you stared into his deep, dark eyes.

The vampires of today are every bit as lustful looking, but in the movie business they’ve learned a bit more about sex appeal and cosmetic effects.  The Head Makeup Artist for the first Twilight movie was Jeanne Van Phue of M.A.C. cosmetics, who published tips on which M.A.C. products to use to achieve that “follow me into the woods” look of Robert Pattinson.  HBO’s True Blood, where vampires are not only sexy, they can DO IT (and do, on nearly every show), uses makeup artist Brigette A. Myre, known for TV shows like the revival of 90210 (2008), True Beauty (2009), Big Shots (2007) and Mad Men.  No monsters on her resume.

Michele Burke, two-time Academy Award winning makeup artist, has given modern motion pictures three of the best-looking, “you can bite me whenever you want” vampires.  He supervised all the seductive looks of Gary Oldman’s demon as well as the debonnaire look of the vampires Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louis (Brad Pitt) in 1997’s Interview with a Vampire. (Burke must follow Cruise around.  His credits also include Jerry Maguire (1996), Vanilla Sky (2001) and Mission Impossible III – all Cruise spectaculars.)

Three makeup artists take credit for what many consider the sexiest Dracula in cinema – Frank Langella’s portrayal of the tormented fiend in the 1979 movie of the same name.   Eric Allwright, Peter Robb-King and Jane Royle don’t seem to have many credits since then, but they may have spent themselves in that consummate effort.

So, if this Halloween is all about fright – dress up as Jon Gosselin or Amy Winehouse.  But if you’re looking to get someone to follow you into the darkness, take a tip from the “master’s” playbook – a little ashy face powder, maybe some lavender eye shadow, perhaps a dark shade of lip gloss and voila – you’re a hundred years old and hotter than ever.

Every day it seems the media wants to tell us what’s good for us or what’s bad for us.  Red wine.  Caffeine.  Massage.  Exercise.  Sunlight.  Air.  Yes! No!  Well ….  sometimes.

We regard the information like statistics.  It can be “interpreted” to say whatever you want it to say, whatever you want people to believe for the moment and, most importantly, whatever will make the catchiest headline.

So Gina and I thought it was pretty funny when we found a slideshow on MSN.com’s health page about the nine cosmetics treatments (what LookinGood refers to as processes) that people should rethink because they might be dangerous or ineffective.  We thought it was funny because, of the nine, we’ve tried 4.5 of them between us and  a) We’re still here to tell about it; b) A couple of them are processes we won’t do without; and c) We’re thinking about a couple more.

Let’s review:

1)  The Botox breast lift. This one we agree on – NEVER.  It’s some crazy scheme about paralyzing the pectoral muscles so that a person stands up straight and lifts their chest.  But, c’mon people, how many of you out there are ready to let someone jab a large needle that close to your lungs or heart to paralyze a muscle?  Remember the scene from “Pulp Fiction” with Uma Thurman and the adrenaline shot?  ’Nuf said.

2) Fish pedicures and manicures. This is my half point of the 4.5.  I would argue that letting the blue gills nibble my toes as they dangle in the lake each summer during vacation isn’t much different from the doctor fish treatment.

3) Waxing. Really? Someone is taking issue with ripping out the little hairs on our faces or inside our thighs with hot wax?  It’s a regular part of both of our routine and we won’t give it up until there is something better and/or cheaper.

4) Eyelash thickening drops. Gina’s been using eyelash lengthener for a couple years now and has no intention of giving it up.

5) UV-activated teeth whitening. Well, we’ve had our teeth whitened, just not with this UV contraption.

6) Permanent makeup. As in, cosmetic tattooing.  This isn’t about a Grateful Dead image in the small of anyone’s back.  This is about eyeliner, lipstick, blusher, eyebrows – wake up with makeup.  And once again, Gina’s done it and swears by it.  We’ll give you the full rundown about micropigmentation soon.

7) Brava breast enhancement. Okay, this one deserves another story because it is a whole boob inflating system and no one we know has ever tried it.  But we’ll find someone, and of course, fill you in on all the details (pun intended.)

8) Chemical peels. On this one, we’re both chicken, so no point there.

9) Thermage. Gina’s reaction to this process was “Pffffffft.  Don’t believe anyone who says they are going to cook your face from the inside out.”  Final point for our team.

So, we’re halfway to dangerous beauty behavior.  Is there a 12 step program for that?

Here’s the MSN take.

To me, the idea of “bright” skin is what my cheeks look like when after a brisk walk in early November.  The companies trying to define their products are tossing around words like “luminous,” “younger,” “glowing,” “younger,” “radiant,” “younger,” “brighter” … (any English teachers out there who want to remind them you can’t use the word itself as part of the definition?)

Skin brightening, not to be confused with lightening or whiting, is about all those things – and sort of nothing at the same time.  The things that dull the skin – oils, dead skin cells, dryness and so forth – are already being addressed if you have a normal cleansing and moisturizing routine.  If you aren’t currently exfoliating a couple of times a week, try it. The difference will amaze you.

But brighteners?  Many are a type of moisturizer that is chock full of vitamins and antioxidants.  What I’m using now has those things too, even though a derivative of the word “bright” doesn’t appear anywhere on the label.  And since I don’t wear makeup, it’s obvious right away whether or not my skin is bright.  But after you’ve cleansed, toned, moisturized and then “put on your face” with foundation, blush and the works, who’s to know if you did or didn’t brighten?

Brighteners often say they will also help even out skin tones, fading discoloration and reducing blotchiness, so that could make a difference in how your makeup appears on its canvas.  Ingredients to look for include AHAs and Vitamin C.  What those ingredients do, like many skin care products, is help break up dead cells so they’re easier to wash away, as well as promote faster cell turnover.  Newer skin is going to be brighter, of course, but honestly, you may already be using products that do this for you.

All that said, there’s no reason not to add brighteners to your routine, especially if you’re not a regular exfoliator, aren’t loading up on vitamins and antioxidants through your skin care regimen or your diet, or just because you want to, dammit!

There are too many choices out there, and Ulta, Sephora and drugstore.com are where you should start.  If you’re still not sure what to choose, talk to your trusted beauty adviser or Ask LookinGood, and we’ll try to narrow it down for you!

Stem cells are known to regenerate tissue and repair damage.  The controversial part is that stem cells with the most potential for serious medical treatment are embryonic in nature, and that poses ethical problems.  But now, clinicians are testing the results of using a person’s own fat-derived stem cells in various cosmetic treatments to reconstruct and rebuild lost tissue in less invasive ways. Injecting adult stem cells into the face can make pores become smaller, and make general skin tone fuller brighter and fuller.  Fat grafting, which has always been problematic because of uneven reabsorption issues, becomes less problematic when stem cells are added.  It seems to cause the fat to stay in place longer and even generate new cells. Who knew? Fat could be the gift that keeps on giving!

Plastic surgeons have high hopes for stems cells, too.  The Stem Cell Facelift is a new procedure being tested in the European Union and Japan, where physicians inject the patient’s own stem cells into the wound of the facelift.  Reports claim that with the addition of the cells, healing is quicker and the results of the facelift continue to improve as the new cells keep regenerating.  For breast reconstruction, using fat that has been enhanced with stem cells may replace the need for silicone or saline implants.

Don’t get too excited – the FDA has yet to weigh in on this and much more research has yet to be done in the U.S.  Of course, that hasn’t stopped the cosmetic companies from capitalizing on the concept.   Never mind that real stem cells could never be put into products because they would die immediately.  Several anti-aging creams are targeting stem cells in the skin for repair, using plant stem cells – specifically from apples – as ingredients and producing conditions “around existing stem cells” that would cause them to grow.  You can bet there will be more products, and soon.

The most unusual product we’ve seen is C’ELLE, a $500 system for capturing your own stem cells from menstrual blood and sending them to the company for preservation of up to a year ($99 for each subsequent year.)   Someone isn’t all that keen about this idea, though. “The C’ELLE service is not currently available to New York state residents.”

Do we have something to thank Andrew Cuomo for again?

• MakeMeHeal.com published a fairly extensive review of the Stem Cell Facelift.
• Stem cells basics, including the use of adult cells, can be found on the National Institute for Health website.
• How the fat-derived cells are harvested is no small matter, as this doctor explains.

But beauty editors seem to sticking to their guns about L’Oreal’s INOA (short for Innovation No Ammonia) ammonia-free hair color.  It’s been written about in all the beauty magazines and even the New York Times did a story on the new product line a couple years ago.

L’Oreal isn’t the first to try this ammonia-free alternative, so what’s all the hype?

The company claims three reasons:  “smell, hair reaction and range of color.”  Ammonia is used in hair dye to open the hair fiber so that it absorbs the dye better, but the smell is just plain awful.  Get rid of ammonia, get rid of the smell.  Check.

L’Oreal is touting a new technology called ODS – Oil Delivery System – that uses oil molecules to more gently open the hair shaft to absorb the dye.  If oil is used as the delivery mechanism instead of blasting it with ammonia, then hair will not be damaged as much.  Hair reaction, check.

Range of color is a legitimate argument, too, since darker hair dyes contain more chemicals and are harder to sustain.  I am sporting red hair these days and am always flabbergasted at how quickly it fades.  Other companies have ammonia free dyes, but offer them in a limited number of colors because they won’t hold.  The more range, the more natural the colors look.  Check.

With L’Oreal being the lead distributor of hair dye in salons, this can only be good news for consumers.  Nonetheless, ammonia is only one of the many problematic chemicals in hair coloring.  It’s just the one we can smell and feel.  “There is no safe hair color, unfortunately,” says Horst Rechelbacher, inventor of Aveda and Intelligent Nutrients in Stacy Malkan’s book Not Just Another Pretty Face. And he is right. One of the scariest ingredients is a family of chemicals called Arylamines, which are a known risk factor for bladder cancer.  A member of that infamous family is p-phenylenediamine (PPD), which can be found on the labels of even non-permanent “natural” products.

So L’Oreal is responded to a market that is demanding “cleaner” hair products, and undoubtedly many haved followed.  But we still have a long way to go before the hype stops the harm.

Mass market products include those that contain aloe vera and vitamin E like Palmer’s Scar Serum with Cocoa Butter or Mederma, both of which can be purchased at your local drugstore.  Also popular among the homeopathic crowd are brands containing Allium CEPA, or onion extract, which is found to have anti-inflammatory and antibacterial properties. Home remedies we have read about run the kitchen gamut.  Wiki-How says to use plain yogurt or lemon on your face to help fade acne scars.  All of the above are solid, uncomplicated approaches to minor problems, but most people are looking for something faster and stronger.

And so, we turn to modern science.  Our research told us that products containing silicones like Dimethicone are effective in the treatment of scars.  Scars on the skin are basically excessive collagen that has formed around the wound, and silicone sheets, gels and other silicone topicals seem to “soften” the collagen, allowing it to flatten and fade, though the interaction is not completely understood.  Silicone sheets are obtained through your doctor, but other clinical-level silicones may be obtained without a prescription like Kelacote Scar Gel, and Xeragel by BioDermis.

We also learned to be careful NOT to use products with the silicones D4 and D5, as these have been flagged by both the Canadian government and the European Union as potentially toxic.  The lesson here is “read the label.”

Other popular brands that use a variety of Vitamin E, good silicones and retinol ingredients are Kinerase Scar Healing Therapy and AmorePacific Enzyme Peel, which is an exfoliant that reduces scars over time.  We have also seen InviCible Scars Advanced Scar Therapy mentioned as a front-runner that can be used for multiple scarring issues.

Serious scarring, particularly acne scars, call for a trip to a dermatologist who might then recommend dermabrasion, laser treatments and even special grafting procedures for what is called “depressed acne” scars.

The good news is that there are multitudes of professional treatments.  From our standpoint, the difficulty would be choosing which one.

But those gifts – gold, frankincense and myrrh – have been used in cosmetics and skin care since long before the Magi followed that star to Bethlehem and they can still be found in products today.  Poking around, it did occur to us that the three men, wise as they were, would have had a much easier time of it if they’d had wi-fi and GPS, but that’s another story.

It’s no surprise that gold was and is used in myriad products today, sometimes for color, but also for its effects on the skin. Rumor has it that Cleopatra slept in a gold mask.  It is said to increase blood flow to the areas where applied, “speeding up the cellular processes and activating regeneration,” according to information on the Oro Gold Cosmetics website. It is also said to work at a “deep cellular level … slowing down collagen depletion and the breakdown of elastin.”

Oro Gold is a luxury line, obviously, given the price of gold on the stock market these days.  But it’s also pretty interesting. All of the products in this pretty extensive line are infused with 24-karat gold. It includes everyday facial care, collagen boost series, masks, a men’s line and a “bionic facial expressions” series, which claims to give results similar to treatments like Botox, without the paralysis.  So much for diamonds being a girl’s best friend.

Frankincense and myrrh are in some appealing products, too.  Both are plant resins, most notable for their fragrances and used heavily in incense and as essential oils. But they have other healing properties as well.

Frankincense is a stress-reducer and has been found to encourage the growth of skin cells. It has long been used to heal everything from vomiting and sores to leprosy and gonorrhea.  The South African company Dermaxime uses it in a rejuvenating face wash that’s filled with stuff that helps the skin, including AHAs, BHAs, horse chestnut extract and a dozen or more ingredients like that.

Ren Skin Care and LUSH also use frankincense in products that we’re putting on our wish list.

Myrrh is primarily an effective skin care agent when the essential oil is mixed with a so-called carrier oil. It’s not the main ingredient, but can improve the look and glow of skin, and has soothing and calming effects to ease dry or severely dry skin.

Today, three guys showing up at your door carrying gold, frankincense and myrrh is probably going to seem a little like Ziggy Stardust at Woodstock, but hey, check out their skin. You might want to let them in.