I know it can be annoying when you are feeling down to hear and see all this nonsense on the internet. Quotes telling you to be happier, stuff telling you how to have the ultimate success. 

And you would be right to a degree. Lots of self-help is very helpful and it comes from peoples’ experiences which makes it all the more relatable. But being happier is actually a science. A well-researched path consisting of evidence-based findings.

There is a large portion of our happiness that is ‘set’. So there is a spectrum and we fall somewhere on that thanks to genetics and circumstances. If we are further down the scale, then often medication and or therapy will be needed. BUT.. there is a big chunk that we can change irrespective of our biological makeup. It is this part that we can control with our actions, thoughts and things we do each day. 

That being said. If you are feeling really low and or depressed please reach out now. The Charity Mind is a great place to start.

Being happier is a process. It has twists and turns and lots of good times and like getting the body in shape, it takes a bit of work. Thanks for reading and here’s a little thought for you; The world is a better place with you in it. LP

We think it’s cool don’t we? Funny even, being self-deprecating. Especially in the UK. We love to take the Micky out of ourselves. Someone said to me today ‘where is my cake’ to which I replied ‘if I baked a cake I would probably just drop it’…. Drop it? Why the negative bias?

It is frowned upon to self-congratulate, so we have adopted a penchant for what is wrong. It’s no wonder then, that so many of us struggle with a negative inner voice and dodgy self-image. How about we focus on what is good today. Let’s figure out what your top strengths are. No matter what we feel about ourselves, we all have some very powerful strengths.

Let’s find out what they are and magnify them. Want to do a free questionnaire to find out? Click here. After you have done the survey, a results page will come up. Be sure to scroll down for your FREE results.

Using your strengths is one of the smallest things you can do to make the biggest difference. (Linley 2004).

I had never seen anything like it. I put the faux silk blouse into the basket. A pop up flashed across the screen ‘your shopping basket is full’… Full? I said out loud. ‘How can a virtual shopping basket be full?’ I snapped my laptop shut, Zara you’ve lost me this time.

The Greeks called it hedonic pleasure, those fleeting moments that make us happy. A new car, a new dress, a funny movie. But it never seems enough, That which makes us happy at first ceases to make us happy soon after- The hedonic treadmill. And off we go looking for the next short term fix. I would never go without my hedonic pleasures. But I realise I won’t find enduring happiness at Zara online.

Eudaimonia on the other hand, means living in accordance with one’s true self. It means finding more meaning in life and being of service to others while doing what you love. I believe we don’t need to find one big life purpose. I think finding more meaning in what we do each day is a good start. Would you do more (unpaid) things at work in the name of a more purpose-filled existence? Let us know below.

(If you spot any typos just let me know)

Yesterday I was sitting in my car, with 10minutes left on the meter. A woman came up next to me in her 4 x 4 and started yelling at me to move. I had a few more errands to run and had no intention of moving from my spot. 

The road was a single lane one and the cars were backing up behind her tooting their horns like mad. I politely said I was not leaving yet. The woman became more and more irate, as did the 10 cars building up behind her. The more she screamed the harder I tried to stay calm. Eventually I looked her square in the eye and said ‘love, you better get going because I am not moving an inch right now”. She sped off at 100 miles an hour ranting something offensive as she went… and then flicked me the middle finger as she turned the corner.

Then one by one each car which had been building up… proceeded to drive past me, shouting the ‘C’ word and other delights as they went past. Apparently blaming me for the 5 minute hold up. 

was happy that I remained calm. I don’t always by any means. But these were some of the principles I used that prevented me from flicking my middle finger straight back at her and every car that went past yelling at me. Here are some ways to stay calm during your next conflict. What do you do at times like these? let us know below.

I was in New York a while back, and I was lying in my bed. I had just had an excellent breakfast. It was my day off. I had this fantastic new job, hosting a show, so I had been having a great time with great people. But that morning for some reason, this anxiety just crept over me. And I lay in bed, and I was like, “Oh, it’s here again.” When I feel like that sometimes I’ll cancel stuff, I won’t go out, or often in advance, I just don’t agree to things in the first place. In that moment I was staring out the window at the Empire State Building, and I thought, “I am not going to let this feeling, take over me. 

“I am not going to miss out on any more opportunities. “I’m in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. “I am not going to stay here and wait for this feeling to pass.” And I didn’t. That was the first time I’ve done it. I got up anyway. I  got up and said, “Right anxiety come on. Put your LYCRA on, we’re going out.”

Who knew you could take the anxiety with you? It’s so empowering. 

Other methods that work are this breathing technique where I breathe in for three seconds, and I imagine a paint brush going up a wall, and then I breathe out for six seconds and imagine the paint brush going down the way in a slow wavy pattern. And your breath just follows the brush. Or you can just put your day in bite-sized chunks and think of one thing at a time. Like all you have to do first is get out of bed, then have a shower, then eat. Keeping it in chunks like this avoids the overwhelm of thinking about the whole day. 

Walking in nature is calming, even if only for 5 minutes. Or just lie on the floor and get grounded. Managing anxiety is about changing our thoughts but also regulating our emotions and slowing down our breathing and slowing down our activity. Meditation and essential oils are powerful too. How do you manage yours?

Saying no gets easier the more you say it. It’s something that I’ve been working on for a while. Everything I share is stuff that I’m learning as well.

One of the first things about learning how to say no is boundaries. You have to know what your boundaries are. You have to understand what you will or will not put up with. You have to have a good sense of self-worth. Self-worth shows what your values are and how much you value yourself.

I learnt that when you start saying no, it’s uncomfortable. It’s challenging for you, it’s challenging for other people, and there is often a deathly silence when you finally do say no. Especially when you haven’t said it to that person before. It’s at that point where you don’t fill the silence. Just say, “Ah, no, thanks.” Then stop talking. Count to 100 silently in your head if you need too.

Stop talking and then let them talk. If you’ve been a people pleaser all your life, and suddenly you start saying “No, I don’t want to do that, I’m going to do this, I’m going to look after my needs,” People can become very uncomfortable. They may even get angry. Usually, the ones who do react badly are the very people who needed to hear your boundaries in the first place.

Tomorrow, or tonight, before you answer you usual ‘Yes’, to something you actually do not want to do, say either:
“I need a minute to think about this” or ” I will get back to you shortly on this” or “ah thanks for thinking of me, but I will pass on that this time.”

Take a beat before you answer. Take a moment to think first.

Try it, and let me know how you get on.

Sometimes getting out of bed is hard.  I wake up with a debilitating lead weight feeling in my stomach. If I had to put a label on it, it would be danxiety. An emotional cocktail of feeling a bit down (so you only get the ‘D’ from the word depression) mixed with a shot of low-level anxiety.  It has stopped me going out and socialising, made me doubt myself a million times, and made me isolate at home on more occasions than I care to admit. I thought it was just my introversion, but a breakthrough session in the therapist’s chair, made me change my thinking.

Last Saturday morning, danxiety reared its familiar head. But this time rather than sit at home and wait for it to pass, I decided to go out anyway and take the feeling with me. I spoke to myself, like a nurturing friend, saying things like; get out of bed, have a shower, brush your teeth, pick up the phone. It was literally as step-by-step as that. After 30 minutes of gentle self-persuasion, I was in the park dog by my side off to meet a friend for a leisurely walk. Are you really an introvert? Or are your isolation tendencies just ‘danxiety‘ in disguise?

I finished eating the last of the 500g bag of dried fruit. That was exactly 400g of left-over-from-Christmas-cake sultanas in one sitting. Five minutes before, celebrity plastic surgery ‘before and after photos’ had caught my attention. And before that, a six-part series on Aussie budget weddings served up a perfect procrastination plate. After writing seven cookbooks, their structure is familiar to me. I think of a simple dish, then change it substantially to make it my own. A shepherds pie with both rosemary and thyme. A creamy mash topping enhanced with some squash. A splash of sherry to give it some edge or a pile of vegetables for a vegan twist. I can’t apply the same method to writing my first memoir. My head hurts, my soul is tired but my heart gently whispers, keep going. What’s challenging you at the moment?

Photo by Pereanu Sebastian

https://unsplash.com/photos/qFH7-yKoxik

I used to live in a small town outside of Oxford. When we moved in, we had a patch of garden at the back of the house. At first, it was just a pile of earth, but my mother paid someone to come in and cover it with AstroTurf. When it was finished, it was beautiful, perfectly lush and green. However, each morning when we woke up it looked a mess. Dog owners were walking passed and allowing their dogs to wander into the garden. Our beautiful lawn was becoming a magnet for dogs to poo and for people to throw trash. My mum acted quickly and called back the gentleman who had lay down the AstroTurf. She instructed him to erect a 7ft fence around the garden with a small gate at the end so we could come and go.

The gardener set to work. Within 1 week he had erected the fence and then covered it with a smelly paint, to protect it from the wind and rain.

The first morning after it was complete, I raced downstairs to take a peek. My mother was standing outside admiring the dog poo free grass.

Looking back I now see the life message in this story. People will try to dump their stuff on us. If we do not show them where the line is, they will keep on crossing over it and trampling over us. When this happens, we feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.  But now we have a chance to change all that. We can erect personal boundaries and only let in what we allow. What and who are you saying yes too, when perhaps you could start saying no?