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Having a Better Conversation–even with a “demon”

How can you have a better conversation, even when the topic or the person is difficult?

Some key components I model and share with my clients and students are: compassionate listening, asking curious non- judgmental questions about their story, and kindness.

Chatting with a “demon”

Recently I saw a clip from the TV show Ted, which demonstrated these aspects in a skillful and hilarious way.

The scene takes place in a live action fantasy world of dungeons and dragons. Susan, a housewife from Framingham, Massachusetts, decked out in armor and a sword, approaches a gigantic fearsome demon. But instead of fighting him, she uses expert level listening and empathic skills to create a bond. How in the (fantasy) world does she do that?

Take a friendly, confiding tone, one being to another

She isn’t perturbed at all by his terrifying appearance. She introduces herself in a calm, inviting way.

“Hiiiiii, I’m Susan Benson from Framingham, Massachusetts. What’s your name?”

He growls, “I am Dra’hul from Hell.

Find a connection—something you have in common.

She either doesn’t hear the hell part or chooses to ignore it and asks, “Do you know Barbara? Are you also from the greater Boston area?”

He snarls back, “I was born in the flames of Hell and the screams of the damned.”

Show empathy

She makes a sympathetic noise and says, “That’s why I had an epidural.”

He seems bewildered by her comment, but intrigued by her empathy.

Ask curious, non-judgmental questions.

Susan asks, “So do you enjoy being a demon?” in an uncritical, interested tone.

Dra’hul pauses, then says in a far less certain tone, “It’s ok.’

Follow up with an empathic comment

With easy acceptance, starting to try and understand his story, Susan says, “It must be hard to have everyone hate you.”

Dar’hul is taken aback, “Yes, it is hard. No one ever asks how I feel…say what did you say your name is?”

“Susan”

“Susan, you are a breath of fresh air. People only want my power or my treasure. No one ever stops by to say hi.”

Turn an enemy into an ally.

Susan asks him another question, in a completely uncritical tone,

”Is that why you want to destroy the whole world?”

This has the potential to be such a loaded negative question, yet she asks it without even a whiff of judgment.

He responds quietly, “Turns out loneliness is the real demon.”

By the end of the conversation, they have shared laughter and stories. She invites him to her water color class. They are becoming friends, and, although this clip doesn’t show it, I’m sure he is happy to gift her with treasures.

What can we learn from Susan and Dra’hul?

I love this scene. It is an extreme situation, but it amuses and inspires me.

If Susan can have a kind, learning conversation with a demon, and transform their interaction and relationship, then we can certainly try harder with people we know, even if they irritate us or we see them as enemies!

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog articles and video clip:

Is Conflict Transformation a Hero’s Journey?

 Listening with your Third Ear

Video clip from Ted featuring Susan and Dra’hul

©️ 2026 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy

The post Having a Better Conversation –even with a “demon” appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

collage by Lorraine Segal Conflict Remedy

Conflict Skills Ruined my TV Watching

I am incredibly grateful for the conflict transformation skills I’ve acquired and the intuitions I have honed, that help me and my clients navigate difficult conversations, resolve disagreements, and clear up misunderstandings much more effectively and gracefully. But an unintended consequence is that it has ruined my ability to enjoy many TV shows and novels!

Murder as the only solution they can see.

A lot of murders in crime shows, at least on TV, happen because people are angry, or holding on to bitter grudges and resentments they don’t know how to process or release.  Or, they have no idea how to have an effective difficult conversation.

On an episode of a German police procedural I watched recently: A young girl’s beautiful seductive friend is hitting on her father and refuses to stop even when her friend begs her to. The young girl could have told her mother what was going on. She could have talked to both her parents, not blaming the father, but asking her parents to ban the other girl from their place of business and getting them to talk to the girl’s mother. Instead, she murdered the other girl in the name of saving her family, and of course, shattered both families instead as she goes to prison. One difficult conversation and follow up would have saved all of them.

In a murder mystery I read, a talented artist is murdered. by her boyfriend, who killed her because he didn’t know how to break up with her. Some practice and support around clarity and boundaries, and he could have had the conversation and not ended her life or ruined his own.

Grudge>Rage>Violence

In countless murder mysteries on TV and even in real life: Being so angry at someone, holding on to anger and resentment instead of processing it. It builds up and builds up until they have a confrontation, arguing, then pushing the other person. The victim falls and hits their head and the angry person has accidentally killed them. Then, they run away or try to cover it up.

If they had realized the danger of holding on to anger and telling themselves a bad story over and over, escalating internally, they could instead have worked on forgiveness and letting go of the resentments. Then they wouldn’t have overreacted because of the pent up feelings. As I tell my clients, forgiveness is not about the other person and what they did, it is something we need to do for our own sake so we can have a peaceful heart.

Lying hurts you.

And if they did kill them, It would be much better to call the police immediately, be honest, and confess. It might even be seen as an accidental death, but the lies and cover up make first degree murder charges much more likely.

False assumptions versus curiosity in love and life

In innumerable romantic comedies, both novels and movies, people make assumptions about the other person’s motivation and feelings. and then they are estranged or enemies for years. They think the other person betrayed them or cheated on them or only liked them as a friend, but they never checked to make sure any of that was true—they just ran with the negative story they chose to tell about what happened. If they had the courage to be vulnerable and share their feelings honestly, and ask questions, they would have saved a lot of misery.

You’re only as sick as your secrets

So many soap operas, reality shows, situation comedies, would be over after one episode if people only spoke honestly and kindly to each other. Crazy situations and lies proliferate and grow.  I guess people who don’t know how to be direct might enjoy the validation that characters on TV don’t know how either, but I find it deeply frustrating!

Novels and shows can affirm good communication skills

There are many shows and novels that don’t rely on lies or foolish misunderstandings to create tension, build relationships and have satisfying resolution. Those are the ones that express or amplify conflict transformation tools we can all learn from. And they are the ones I still thoroughly enjoy watching!

Can you think of some shows or novels that model good communication or what not to do? Please share in the comments.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog articles:

Forgive and Walk Away

The Rashomon Effect and Conflict

The Value of Venting

©️LorraineSegal ConflictRemedy 2026

The post Conflict Skills Ruined my TV Watching appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Just the Right Amount of Genius

Being on a work team of extremely smart, motivated, creative people sounds ideal, right? But if it isn’t carefully managed, it could be a recipe for disaster instead.

Conflict overwhelms genius

A recent article in the New York Times reported that Meta put together a dream team of the brightest minds in artificial intelligence work. And, the group was a total failure—filled with conflict, rampant jealousy, backstabbing, and huge ego clashes that prevented them from accomplishing much of anything.

Saved by emotional intelligence!

What really makes for a creative, productive, harmonious team? You need an expert facilitator with high emotional intelligence who can bring out the best in everyone. Stanford psychologist . Jamil Zaki, in an article in HBR , calls them super facilitators. According to him, Super-facilitators integrate diverse expertise, promote equitable contributions, and cultivate trust among teammates, generating collective intelligence—a group’s ability to solve problems together.

Super facilitators need some of the same skills as conflict transformation experts. To be successful, they need to:

• Read the emotional temperature in the room and of each individual, using empathy and observational skills.
• Ask questions and listen deeply to the answers and incorporate them into the solutions.
• Demonstrate respect for each member of the team and their expertise, by letting them take the lead in the area they know best.
• Make sure all these experts equal time and attention to explain their part.
• Value each person’s contribution as important if the group is to make the best decisions together.

Although quite different from more traditional, hierarchical meetings, this empathic, collaborative style of facilitation is a learnable skill and brings much better results.

Collective genius is truly more effective than any individual alone, no matter how brilliant, and has the added benefit of building group cohesion, trust, and capacity.

I have witnessed and participated in many meetings that were exercises in ego battles, futility and frustration. But when I have participated or supported teams that found their way to collective intelligence, it is transformative and leads to more successful outcomes!

Related blog and other articles:

Disagree with Respect

Good Work Meetings Promote Harmony

Every Team Needs a Super-Facilitator

Meta’s dream team too smart for its own good?

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

© 2026 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy.com

The post Just the Right Amount of Genius appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Collage by Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy.com

Jane Austen and the Power of a Different Story

Stories have power. Whether it is a story we are telling ourselves, or the story of Pride and Prejudice, stories can educate, entertain, or transform.

Story is a key concept in the conflict transformation work I do with clients. My clients learn to express their own story about a conflict. They come to understand that theirs is one story, which feels true to them , but it is not the only possible story. Ever so gently, I encourage them to understand that the other person in the conflict has a different story, which feels just as true to them. Often this realization allows them to soften their hearts and open up to better communication and understanding.

A perfect example for me is a modern book I read recently, The Other Bennet Sister by Janet Hadlow. It tells the familiar story of Pride and Prejudice from the perspective of Mary Bennet. Before I read this book, I had accepted Jane Austen’s dismissal of Mary as foolish and only worth of mockery without question. But this beautifully realized story casts Mary in a very different light. It makes perfect sense, every bit as much as Jane Austen’s story does, and. presents Mary as far more sympathetic, even admirable.

There is no doubt that Jane Austen was a masterful story teller, and I have been a huge fan of her novels since I was eleven years old. She has a compelling perspective, and, yet, it isn’t the only possible one.

In this new book, Mary is the lost middle child. Lizzie and Jane have each other as confidantes and allies, as do Kitty and Lydia, but Mary has no one. Her mother is highly critical and dismissive because she isn’t as pretty as her sisters, and her father ignores her, as he does everyone but Elizabeth and to a lesser extent Jane. Mary yearns for a sense of belonging, for love, recognition, appreciation. She feels utterly invisible and without value. She is socially awkward and makes things worse for herself as she tries to reach out and connect. This narrative reveals aspects of Mary’s character and situation that had never occurred to me before. She becomes a fully realized being with depth and complexity.

It was a striking reminder that there is never just one story. If we are willing to be curious about what other stories are possible and how other people view a situation, this awareness can transform our relationships and conflicts.

The Other Bennet Sister give Mary her own happy ending. My clients often get their own happy endings to their conflicts, too, if they can embrace the healing power of multiple perspectives.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog article:

The Power of Story to Shift Conflict

A Novel Approach to Building Empathy

© 2026 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy.com

The post Jane Austen and the Power of a Different Story appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Photo by SEO Galaxy on Unsplash

Hidden Resentments at Work?

As humans, we are full of feelings at work as well as in our personal lives. But if we ignore these feelings or attempt to push them down, especially negative ones, they will leak out sideways with generally detrimental consequences.

I found a great example of how this can play out in a delightful novel called, I Hope This Finds You Well by Natalie Sue. As the story begins, Jolene is filled with rage and resentment. She hates her office job. She is isolated and feels underappreciated and has been passed over for promotion several times. She never complains directly to anyone, but has a passive aggressive outlet: at the end of her professional, polite emails, she tacks on a few lines or a paragraph filled with insults and complaints. Then she switches the font color to white so no one can see what she wrote. After months of doing this, she mistakenly forgets to switch the color. The entire department sees the “hidden” hostile message.

Luckily, she doesn’t lose her job but she feels humiliated and has to go to various HR workshops and meetings for anger management, team building, and professional communication.

Then through another inadvertent mishap, she gets temporary access to coworker’s and supervisors’ private emails. After reading these messages, Jolene starts to see her co-workers as fellow struggling human beings, and her attitude toward them softens and changes. This improves how she shows up at work and in all aspects of her life.

If you, like Jolene, are harboring bitter feelings at work, what can you do to improve the situation?

• Realize you can’t make anyone else change, so the change has to come from inside you.
• Let yourself vent (away from your work computer) in a written or verbal rant or by hitting a punching bag. Then, let it all go!
• Remind yourself that everyone you work with has their own problems, grief, issues, and story. That we are all united in our human feelings even if we appear quite different. Can you make room for their story, with compassion?
• If there is something genuinely wrong at work, such as sexual harassment or misconduct or too much stress or overtime, get support and speak up if you can.
• Take exquisite care of yourself in every way possible.

It takes courage to deal with feelings directly. I know from my own experience and that of my clients how challenging it can be. But every time I’ve done it, my life has improved and I am able to love myself and others more. It hasn’t always turned out the way I thought it should, but inevitably I found some kind of good outcome.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog articles:

The Rashomon Effect and Conflict.

Its Fine and Other Misunderstandings That Fuel Conflict

© 2026 Conflict Remedy Lorraine Segal

The post Hidden Resentments at Work? appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Diwali, Solstice—what do these holidays from different religious and cultural traditions have in common?  They all take place in the darkest part of the year, and they all bring light in their rituals.

The return of the light

The long dark winter was frightening to many of our ancestors, and having a celebration that honored, among other things, the return of the light and the beginning of the end of darkness was comforting.

We need this assurance just as much today. There is so much out in the world and inside us right now that pulls us toward darkness and despair. But hope, joy, forgiveness, and right action are always possible. We can look at the darkness within, including resentment, rage, hopelessness and without—injustice, prejudice, and violent hatred against perceived enemies, and still choose to turn toward the light and to hope anyway. We can choose to trust that there is a path to harmony and compassion.

This affirming is key to transforming conflict as well. I know for me personally, the more I can do inner work, the more joy I can feel in my life and the more peaceful I feel inside. Don’t get me wrong, I feel rage and despair at times, but I keep choosing, over and over, to let them go, to trust, to hope, to persevere, to forgive. This isn’t about what others deserve, it is about what I deserve—a peaceful heart, love, joy, and to support others.

What essential teachings from conflict transformation can help us?

• We can recognize that our own histories and our world view create a narrative that feels compelling, but it is not the only possible story. We can recognize that others have a different story, and at the same time affirm that no story can justify violence.
• We can find compassion. We all have struggles, we all carry grief and anger. We all want love and acceptance As Maya Angelou famously said, “We are more alike than we are unalike.”
• We can affirm that most people don’t wish us harm. While I know some people commit horrifically evil acts or act out of cruel prejudice, most people aren’t focused on hurting us. They are simply, imperfectly, following their own path.
• With patience and curiosity we can come to understand other humans better, which helps us open our hearts to light and love.

These practices by themselves may not be enough to transform our workplaces or our world, but they can point us in the right direction. I don’t want to move through my days in a haze of bitterness or with a heavy heart. So I remind myself that hope is a choice. I point myself toward the light and do my best to heal and help others heal. And I send hope and good thoughts for the healing and repair of the world.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related articles:

Forgiving the World

Healing our Divisions in Troubled Times

©️ ConflictRemedy Lorraine Segal 2025

The post Choosing the Light of Hope appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Photo by Pratik Prasad on Unsplash

Employer Ghosting and Difficult Conversations

Have you ever applied for a job, gone through a seemingly successful multiple stage interview process, and then never heard back? I have, and it felt awful. And I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Employer ghosting, as it is called, is far too common, despite its adverse impact on applicants and employers.

I read an article about this recently by Michelle Singletary, one of my favorite syndicated columnists, who writes about financial and employment issues, which resonated because of my experienc..

My ghosting experience

I was contacted by a VP at a local (ish) community college, wanting help with conflict at his school. After an initial positive phone call, we set up a face to face interview. I drove an hour to get to there, only to find out that the VP, who made the appointment himself, had neglected to put it in his official calendar or let anyone else know. He wasn’t even on campus. I probably should have let the engagement go right then, but he apologized and really wanted to meet with me, so I drove out there again. The interview went very well, and he seemed to want to hire me. He asked for a written proposal of how I would address the conflict, a combination of training and coaching in this case, and how much it would cost. I sent the detailed proposal, then followed up by phone the following week. He liked the proposal, but asked me to make some revisions. After sending the changes, I followed up by email and phone, several times, confident he would contact me, but he never did. This was a month long process of dialogue and engagement, but I never found out what happened.

How rude

To me, letting someone you’ve invited and encouraged know you won’t be hiring them after all is a minimum professional and respectful courtesy. Ghosting puts the VP and the college in a bad light and fuels a bad reputation.

So why would he and other employers do this?

I suspect that this ghosting is about not knowing how to have a difficult conversation. Certainly, telling someone you are not going to hire them after extensive interaction is uncomfortable and requires some courage, but avoidance is worse! Unfortunately, too many people in leadership positions have never learned to have these conversations.

How to have the conversation–Keep it simple

Without blame, you can say something like, “I really appreciate your time and the skills you have, but we decided to: go with a different candidate or go in a different direction or hold off on this. Thank you for applying and I wish you all the best.”

That’s it. You don’t owe them the details why; that only leads to an argument, or them trying to prove you’re wrong and they are the best candidate. Keep it clear and simple and say the same thing twice if necessary, then get off the phone or end the email, knowing you did your best in a challenging situation.

Nobody likes to hear they haven’t been hired, but I know how much better I would have felt to know, rather than wonder and feel bad and frustrated. I’ve coached many leaders how to deliver negative results or information in a clear, straightforward way. Once you use this honest, simple approach, you won’t want to go back to ghosting!

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related articles:

Good Leaders Navigate Conflict Skillfully

Don’t Overexplain in Difficult Conversations

Employer Ghosting Becoming Common—Michelle Singletary
© 2025 Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy.com

The post Employer Ghosting and Difficult Conversations appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Graphic by L. Segal ConflictRemedy

Exclamation marks are OK at work!

Do you hesitate before using exclamation marks in workplace writings?

Women, much more than men, fear that using exclamation marks will make them seem unprofessional. A team of researchers did a series of studies and found that women do indeed use exclamation marks more than men, but, surprisingly, this usage was not viewed negatively. On the contrary, a use of exclamation marks was viewed as warm and positive and did not affect perceived competence of the user.

The Agony!

However, the researchers found that women stress and agonize over using exclamation marks far more than men do. I know I am very (self) conscious about using them. It seems to relate to how women leaders feel in professional settings in general.

The Double Bind

There has been so much judgment, so many assumptions that women are “too” emotional and expressive at work, too concerned with workplace relationships, lacking professional detachment. Many professional women, especially women of color, feel that they are walking a tightrope. Too assertive and they are viewed negatively as unladylike or inappropriate even if a man doing the exact same thing would be viewed as a leader.

Too polite or low key, or too collaborative, and women are perceived as lacking leadership qualities and too soft. Although collaboration and high level listening are increasingly seen as valuable skills for managers and C-Suite leaders, prejudice against different leadership styles, especially when demonstrated by women still prevails at far too many workplaces. We have a long way to go to appreciate and honor women leaders and their approaches.

Be Lavish!

But at least as far as exclamation marks go, women are self-censoring or self -interrogating unnecessarily. We can be lavish and expressive in our use of exclamation marks without stressing over it or paying a price!

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related articles:

HBR: Don’t Overthink Your Use of Exclamation Points  

Good Leaders Navigate Conflict Skillfully

© Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy 2025

The post Exclamation Marks are OK at Work! appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

Photo by Kamakshi subramani on Unsplash

Reframing Accusations

When one of your colleagues or team members, takes on a commitment, and then doesn’t follow through, it is frustrating! But how do you deal with it? It is quite human and understandable to be disappointed or angry. Honestly, though, do judgements or accusations help the situation or your work relationship? Not really.

Today’s example:

A community organization I belong to rotates leadership positions. Someone who has been in the group for a long time offered to step up and be the facilitator for August. The first meeting was August 1^st, and she was a no-show, so someone else had to lead at the last minute. I said I would contact her. It took three attempts before I had a text that I felt comfortable sending:

First unfinished attempt:

Where (the bleep) were you?? You were supposed to lead the meeting!

(deleted)

Second unfinished attempt:

You said you were going to lead the meeting, but you didn’t show up and didn’t tell anyone!

(deleted)

Third attempt:

Hi, XXX–Not sure what happened. You were supposed to lead the meeting this morning, but you weren’t here. Will you be able to do it the rest of the month? Or do we need to find someone else? Please let me know. Be well.

(sent)

I can’t swear the third one still didn’t have a whiff of resentment, but I believe it was a lot better than the other two.

What made attempt number three better?

Neutral language:

You weren’t here (fact) instead of you didn’t show up (judgement),

Not sure what happened makes room for an unforeseen crisis instead of you didn’t tell anyone (accusation).

Why is it better to use neutral language? When you accuse people, they feel defensive. They are less likely to acknowledge their mistake and take responsibility or be willing to change if they are fending off an attack. And accusations can damage your working relationship going forward, especially important if someone is a long-term team member.

If you have strong feelings about what happened, venting in a safe way to release the energy can help clear your heart and head, but a rant is not useful to say or send to the person. Of course, if what went wrong is egregious and you’re firing them, that’s a different story.

Three key suggestions:

• Vent first if you need to (far away from the person).
• Stick to neutral rather than accusatory language.
• Don’t assume the reason for the mistake or bad intentions on their part.

It takes practice and commitment to refrain from accusations and reframe them instead, but it will definitely make your work life smoother to do so.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related blog articles:

Blamespeak and Conflict

Reframing: A Powerful Tool to Manage Conflict at Work

The post Reframing Accusations appeared first on Conflict Remedy.

photo by Lorraine Segal ConflictRemedy

Disagree, with Respect

Disagreeing about something doesn’t mean you or the other person or the disagreement itself are bad. On the contrary, disagreement and conflict are fundamental aspects of human behavior that inevitably manifest in our personal and professional lives.

With projects and colleagues at work, and even in politics, disagreement can have a positive creative function to explore different approaches and ideas to solving problems. The key to successful disagreement and conflict starts with respect for others.

Why is respect so important?

Without respect, you are not seeing the other person or group as valuable and fully human. You don’t hold their wellbeing as important; you dismiss their ideas, experience, and perspective as not worth considering. And you miss out on a great deal that could help you, or that could help a business succeed.

How do you show respect? Hold your story lightly.

As I tell my clients and students, each of us have our own perspective, our own story. You may believe very strongly that your story is “right”, but someone else may have a very different perspective and feel just as strongly that theirs is correct. If you can hold your story lightly instead of tightly, you can make room for more opinions and options.

Curiosity and listening help.

What is their story anyway? Being curious about their story and how it differs from yours, listening with open ears and heart, and allowing both of you to be right expands the story possibilities to include multiple ideas and perspectives. You don’t have to make yourself or them wrong.

Why bother?

Without respect, without curiosity and listening, conflict degenerates into sniping and contempt. Without a safe place for differences, you lose out on deeper understanding and connection. In a work project, you miss out on the creativity and new ideas that everyone can bring. And even if you are in the middle of a disagreement that hasn’t gone well, starting now with respect and curiosity instead being stuck in past poor interactions can bring a fresh, positive approach to transforming the conflict.

Lorraine Segal has helped over 2000 leaders and others in organizations and corporations communicate more clearly, transform conflicts, and let go of resentments. The goal: to create a more harmonious and productive workplace.  Through her business, Conflict Remedy, Lorraine creates customized training and coaching programs for non-profit organizations, corporations, and government agencies and Sonoma State University. She was recently named one of the top 15 coaches in Santa Rosa by Influence Digest. She is a contributing author to the book, Stand Up, Speak Out Against Workplace Bullying. Her latest project, a memoir called: Angels and Earthworms, an unexpected journey to love, joy, and miracles, is about her transformation from miserable self-doubt to self-acceptance, true love, spiritual awareness, and right livelihood. Find out more about the memoir here. Contact Lorraine through ConflictRemedy to request a free consultation for you and your organization or to sign up for her conflict remedy newsletter and blog.

Related articles:

How to Transform Conflict at Work

 Us vs. Them

Civil Conversations with the Enemy

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