Losing Daniel

Our Angel Our Star

2012-01-13T08:03:00.000+02:00

Danny's funeral was today, three years ago. How I can hardly bear to write these words or to rationally think about the reality of what I am saying, that Daniel is dead, that we had a funeral for him and that he is lifeless buried l in a grave.

The paragraph to follow are from a book about a family who also lost their youngest child and brother, When a child dies by Jim O'Shea, the words could have been my own:

As they lowered the coffin into the earth I put my arms around my family. I wanted to protect them from the brutality of death, to assuage their pain. But nothing could ease that pain, as the dark earth claimed their young brother.

Mama, Neni, Lecia and Daniel. The bond that holds us close and the love that we share can never be broken, no time or distance or death will ever come between us. Our love will always be dearest Daniel. Precious Pikkewyntjie. Our Angel. Our Star.

Three Years

2012-01-08T17:41:00.000+02:00

From my Facebook page, 2 days ago:

Three years without Daniel. It feels like a lifetime and also like just a moment ago, still unreal but also too real and more sad than words can say. We miss him every day, every second and find our comfort in the love we share, a love that will always be.

From a Skype chat with a friend, 3 days ago:

[2012/01/05 06:57PM] Alison Starbuck:
tomorrow will most probably feel more empty than sad
but you never know
i also learned that these things are unpredictable
i will just take the day as it comes
and do whatever feels easiest for me
i think i will be ok

From my heart, today:

I know now that I will probably ok regardless. I have no choice, if I managed to survive 3 years, I will survive the rest of my life. As sad as it may be. Even if I feel sure that no one can survive a heart as broken as mine.

It doesn't seem right or makes logical sense to me but this is how it is.

And this time of every year will be the time that Daniel died. It is more than just one day that marks another 365 days without him. It is a feeling that stretches over days from before Christmas until after his birthday in the beginning of March. I miss him more, feel sadder and every sorrowful emotion I had since he died keeps on surfacing in my heart and in my mind. I don't know what more to say or what to do more than just somehow making it through the minutes, hours and days. Until another year.

Until I die too.

Little Bird

2012-01-01T20:28:00.000+02:00

My Daniel

A little bird, a hole in my heart, an emptiness that cannot describe or understand, it feels so long and also so short. I miss you my Angel. Every moment of my life and with every breath I take. You know, I know. My tears. My sorrow. My wish that losing you wasn't true. A hopelessness and heartache too much to bear but somehow I do. I love you. I love you so much, as always and forever, my Daniel. Pikkewyntjie.

Mama xxx

When We Dream

2011-09-13T20:28:00.000+02:00

When I am asked: "Alison, how are you doing?" I give all sorts of answers....

To someone who doesn’t know that I lost my Daniel and only ask me to be polite, I would say that I am fine. I know it is not true as I will never in my life be fine again but what else can I say?

To my friends that I haven’t seen in a while, I would say that life is treating me good and that I am as well as I possibly could be. Which is the truth. Or I will say that I am better and that I am doing ok. I omit that it is only a part of me that feels better and that I am doing ok only sometimes, not always.

But to really say how I am is difficult as I just don’t know. I am happy and I am sad together. It is an emotional paradox that leaves me confused and I find it too complex to unpack into something understandable. (So please forgive me if this post doesn’t make any sense, this would be why).

I am happy because of those I call my loved ones – the people close to my heart who feel my pain and share in my laughter. I seek happiness and good moments not for myself but as something to give in return for the endless love, friendship and support I am receiving. Being happy (even while I am sad) is to show my gratitude and one of the best ways I can think of to say, I love you too.

And I am sad because I want my Daniel. I ache for him and for every day that I have lived so far without him. He is in my thoughts and in my heart all the time, regardless of what else I would be doing at the time. I cannot comprehend my future as even one more day without him feels impossibly long.

I often wonder how my life will unfold, if anything will change or if it will just be as it has been since I lost my child. Taking day by day, doing the things that need to be done while looking back in disbelief, wondering how I possibly made it this far with a heart as broken as mine and an inside ripped to pieces. No healing, no relief, no cure, just this unbearable pain.

I also know that Henry, Alecia, Daniel and I will always be. Nothing can destroy the love that we share or the bond that hold us close. We are more than everything and all that matters.

We are us…MamaDanielLeciaNeni.

Like Moonlight

2011-07-11T20:15:00.000+02:00

From: Beyond Reason; Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher (B Coville)

“Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people—they always go away, sooner or later. You can’t hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you,then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.”

Part of Me

2011-06-27T05:31:00.001+02:00

A bit of where I am, nearly two and a half years after losing my Daniel (how it breaks my heart to think and to know of all these many days that I already have lived without my child).

Some days are better than others. I am not talking about the obviously very sad days like birthdays and anniversary days, I mean all the days in between are not the same. I may wake up and feel as overwhelmed by sorrow as I did that day when Daniel died. Or I may wake up and feel some lightness and peace woven into the sadness and it will be a happier day. Or I may feel it all in only one day.

There is no pattern to these different waves of emotion I experience and while there are times that my despair will be triggered by something that specifically reminds me of Daniel, the cause of my agony is mostly just my own awareness of my child’s death.

I mostly say that I’m okay when someone asks how I am. It is easier and less painful, for me and for the other person.

I am haunted by the day of Daniel’s death and the nightmare of having to relive every detail of it over and over again, and I am still unable to apply concepts of forgiveness, justice, right and wrong to my own , to Daniel’s death and to how Daniel’s father behaved towards me after Daniel’s death.

I am thankful for all the good in my life: my children, wonderful friendships to warm my heart, anything beautiful, moments of pleasure, things I enjoy, tiny steps towards peace, my dreams and hopes.

I miss Daniel. Two nights ago I fell asleep wrapped in Daniel’s blanket on a pillow wet with tears. I still hear his voice and I can recall every small detail of how he looked, the way his fingers folded into my hand, how his hair curled, how his skin felt, the exact shape of his legs, his sweet smell… my Daniel. I will always remember.

Namaste, dearest Daniel, my love for you will always be x x x

I Felt You Near

2011-05-11T05:32:00.007+02:00

From: Papertissue

All The Time

2011-03-29T20:48:00.000+02:00

Personal moments from a million different lives are shared as wall posts on Facebook every day. One of these posts stole my heart.

It comes from the wall of one of my friend and goes about a conversation between my friend and her 5 year old daughter (who is the same age as what Daniel would have been):

My friend asked what she wanted to be when she was older, to which she said:

"I want to be a mom. And when you are a grandmother and you die, you will become a star and I won't know which star you are because there are so many. But when I die I am going to become a star too and be right next to you."

I wrote to my friend afterwards:

...it is so beautiful it makes me cry....for me it is a message to confirm that one day I will be next to Daniel again. Stars were one of his most favourite things and one of the first words he said....

She wrote back:

I'm glad i shared then. I wasn't going to. So I suppose I know now why I did. I know you will see your son again. He's waiting for you with a smile on his face. I'm glad i could make you smile. I always think about you and what you've lost. But he is with u every day :) :)

I also always think about what I have lost, about what Henry and Alecia have lost and all I am will be filled with sorrow. And these thoughts....about us losing outDaniel....I cannot imagine anything ever to be more painful.

My children miss their brother. I miss my child. All the time.

Christian

2011-03-05T20:49:00.001+02:00

As written by Derek, Christian's dad:

On July 13, 2007 our 4 year old son Christian passed away from Drowning at a local town run camp. We have started a Non-Profit organization to provide life jackets to all children at all camps, lakes, beaches and town run pools across the state of Massachusetts (Currently not required or wanted).

Our son Christian, drowned in our town run camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day and the 5 staff members and lifeguards didn’t see him. We are in the process here of changing laws and have started a Non-Profit to change some of this law and provide USCG Approved Life Jackets to all lakes and ponds and possibly beaches where kids can get a free loaner jacket. We set it up this way so all children will be safe even if they cant afford to buy one.

Christian was a child that every parent would want. He was loving, caring, and always happy. Unfortunatly we lost him July 13th,2007 to an unforgivable mistake made by lifeguards and staff at the local run day camp. He was there for 2 hours on his first day. While nobody was watching him, he drowned. There is not a day that goes by that I dont cry for him at least once. god I miss him. How could anyone take him from me, he was my best friend and son.

Christian was born on October 17th 2002. We couldnt have been happier. That gave us 2 boys in 14 months that could grow up together and be best friends. They were best friends and his brother Cameron was there the day that he died. Cameron still talks about him daily and tries to make us happy by saying things like he is sitting next to you or I just saw his angel. It is so hard watching cameron without Christian, he looks so alone.

This really is the hardest thing to write. He is gone forever and we cant accept that. Why did we trust others? Why did we take him there? What if we took him there even a minute later, would he still be here. There are so many whys and still no answers. How can we ever forgive ourselves? We trusted and it made our son gone. How can we trust again?

CEF foundation includes 2 separate entities. First CEF Foundation is working to pass Christian's Law, see other page, as well as donate USCG Approved Life jackets to any child that requires one. Everything CEF Foundation does is to promote and provide safety to children that are anywhere near water.

With the backing of Kids Don't Float, a part of Safekids USA, we are collecting numerous lifejackets to provide to town and city run camps once Christian's Law is passed.

I want to ask every person who visits my blog to please support Derek and the CEF Foundation, in any way that you can. Please join the cause on Facebook "Stop Childhood Drowning" created to prevent the senseless loss of our children to drowning.

Daniel's death was senseless and very easily preventable. The only reason my child died was because his stepmother chose to play computer games above caring for the 3 year old child that she had left without supervision while he had free access to an open and unfenced swimming pool. Nothing will ever bring Daniel back but there are things that we can do to let people like Daniel's stepmother think twice...

To Be Free

2011-02-22T02:52:00.000+02:00

In the two years since I have lost Daniel, I have experienced how good our human nature can be. So many people have opened their hearts to my pain to give love, kindness, compassion and support without hoping or wanting to get anything in return.

I also saw the bad side of human nature, how cruel and malicious people can be. In my case they were only a handful but their actions were deliberately hurtful and destructive.It is this unjustified antagonism that caused me to become more and more reluctant to post anything personal.

I worried about how vulnerable it might make me if I should continue to tell my story. When I started this blog I had so little left to lose that it really didn’t matter. It is different now - through the nothingness, precious bits of new happiness and renewed prosperity have emerged. I have a life again.

But I decided that I won’t give up this blog which means so much to me because I fear what people may do to me. I will write…

… a few short posts about the hurtful things that happened just after Daniel had died. I believe that sharing these truths will help to free me from my fear.

… about all the good things that happened since my last update; the sweet miracles and really more happiness than I ever thought possible.

… about Daniel and my endless love for him. Always, because this is what it is all about. My love.

(I don’t know if I will ever be able to write about finding answers to the questions or about justice being served to the person responsible for Daniel’s death, but for now there is still hope, still a chance. Which is good.)

Two Years

2011-01-06T19:46:00.003+02:00

My Danny

To me you are something of unusual beauty unlike most everyone. Like serenity incarnate. But I need to touch beautiful things to know they are real. Sometimes I worry I dreamed you, and that I am so much less free. You are like faith and air and freedom and my small hours seem mostly to be yours.

What I feel for you flows through all that is and my love for you is greater than life itself.

Missing you more and more, as it will be.

Mamma xxx

The One You Can't Put Down

2010-12-05T23:49:00.000+02:00

From: The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)

"A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world.

But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after - that's love by a different name.

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock my the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks.

She's the one you can't put down."

Shattered

2010-11-28T10:08:00.004+02:00

From my Facebook wall, my status updates of two years ago. I was so happy about life, love, everything – excited to go on holiday with my children and positive about the new year….

November 29, 2008
Alison is loving the charm and delight of serendipitous occurrences

December 4, 2008
Alison is following her synchronistic destiny and is so happy with where she is going to...

December 5, 2008
Alison is looking for a star lost inside a prayer for I have heard that the answer to love is there.... smile*

December 9, 2008
Alison is a very proud mom blessed with 3 most wonderful children

December 10, 2008
Alison is counting the days

December 11, 2008
Alison is in a happy space

December 12, 2008
Alison is so excited, I just can't hide it

December 14,
Alison is as sweet as my dreams

December 17, 2008
Alison is loving the things that life is showing me

December 27, 2008
Alison is wishing her wonderful daughter a happy 14th birthday today!

December 27, 2008
Alison posted 10 new photos

December 28, 2008
Alison is your girl :))

January 7, 2009 (at 7:47 am)
Alison ...to my friends who haven't heard the devastating news...my darling child died yesterday. Daniel is no more with us. Please pray for Hendri, Alecia and me.

Wrong

2010-11-21T23:36:00.001+02:00

I want to repost this comment that Cathy has left on my previous post "Want Daniel" because she sees losing Daniel like I see it: the most wrong thing in the world and she sees how it is for me to live with this cruel injustice. She is right, it is hell.

Thank you Cathy for knowing and for letting me use your words as my voice:

I don't know how anyone is expected to bear it, how anyone CAN bear it. And yet life forces itself on somehow, even if we are only enduring it.

I so mourn that your Daniel is not in your arms. His pictures, his eyes - I always think, it is the most wrong thing in the world that your child has been ripped from you.

It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote: "The cold, unsmiling face of Hell." Daniel's death seems a picture of what Hell must be. I should say, of what Hell IS, because you are having to live through it every day.

I realize not everyone believes in Hell. All I know is, Daniel being taken from you has forced you to live there.

(This week, two more people mentioned that they didn't believe Daniel's death was as accidental as it is made out to be. They don't know each other and have nothing in common. But the reason behind their doubts was the same. Should I react in any way? I don't know. I also have the same concerning questions. But for now, I just close my eyes, try not to think, pray and hope with every fibre of my being that Daniel's death was an accident and that everything possible was done to save his life.)

Want Daniel

2010-11-08T05:29:00.006+02:00

I feel so very very sad about Daniel since last Sunday (more sad than I have felt in a long long time). It is a terrible sadness because it is so clear and without hope. Just an empty reality that he will never come back, that life has continued for nearly two years, that I will probably never find the answers that I desperately seek, that I will never heal.

Soon it will be December and January - the months to remind me of all that I wish never happened.

Sorrow

2010-11-02T01:25:00.002+02:00

From: All the Pretty Horses (Cormac McCarthy)

"She looked up at him and her face was pale and austere in the uplight and her eyes lost in their darkly shadowed hollows save only for the glint of them and he could see her throat move in the light and he saw in her face and in her figure something he'd not seen before and the name of that thing was sorrow."

Karma (Daniel died on a Tuesday)

2010-10-16T14:06:00.004+02:00

Written by Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents is a book for parents who wish to raise children with values that create the experience of abundance as well as satisfy spiritual needs.

The 7 laws are:

Pure Potentiality - Everything is possible.
Giving - If you want to get something, give it.
Karma - When you make a choice, you change the future.
Least Effort - Don’t say no, go with the flow.
Intention and Desire - Every time you wish or want, you plant a seed.
Detachment - Enjoy the journey.
Dharma (the path of righteousness) - You are here for a reason.

It moves us beyond focusing on private triumphs and failures towards experiencing the fulfillment and success that comes from having some of the most valuable skills anyone can possess: the ability to love and have compassion, and the capacity to feel joy and spread it to others. .

Deepak Chopra offers profound advice on how to convey these universal truths to a child and how to embody them in age-specific activities. He follows an approach of devoting each day of the week to a specific principle, starting with Sunday being the day of Pure Potential where everything is possible.

Daniel died on a Tuesday, the day of Karma where we promise to explain right and wrong to our children in terms of how choices feel.

We teach them that by choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma will be happiness and success.

We reflect on the law of Karma:

No debt goes unpaid in the universe.
To bring yourself love and happiness, do what you can to bring them to others.
If you don't see an immediate result to good or bad action, be patient and observe.

Look At The Stars (Yellow)

2010-10-04T15:21:00.003+02:00

Dearest Daniel

You know how much I miss you and how I cry for you every single day. The pain I feel is not something I would be able to endure for years and years and years, that is something I know.

I wish I could understand what went so wrong that you had to pay with your life. Where was the disconnect between what I believed I saw in your father and the reality?

How could anyone not care about our life? And as they didn't care for you why came and take you away from me and Neni and Lecia and all the other people that love you so much. Any of us would have given our lives for you, my Angel Danny, if only we had known.

I love you more than I can say, more than I can express, more than I can show, more than anyone can comprehend.

I walk with you in my heart everywhere I go and I fall asleep each night imaging holding you in my arms.

I feel your spirit.

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
They are all yellow.

Your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know
You know I love you so.

Namaste, my dearest Daniel.

I see you. Always.

Mamma x x x

How We Live

2010-09-18T21:31:00.001+02:00

From : Sputnik Sweetheart (Haruki Murakami)

"So that's how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that's stolen from us--that's snatched right out of our hands - even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness."

Finding Me

2010-09-12T20:02:00.005+02:00

I feel deeply touched by this beautiful drawing that my friend Michael did for me. We are on the same painful journey and feel a similar pain - Michael lost his son Luke around the same time that I lost Daniel. (Also see my post Luke's Army)

I cannot describe how much I still miss Daniel every day. My heart pains for my child and without end a thousand unanswered questions keep on circling through my mind. I wonder if I would ever find peace...

Bruised

2010-09-05T21:53:00.001+02:00

From : His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass)

"She wondered whether there would ever come an hour in her life when she didn't think of him - didn't speak to him in her head, didn't relive every moment they'd been together, didn't long for his love. She had never dreamed of what it would feel like to love someone so much; of all the things that had astonished her, that was what astonished her the most. She thought the tenderness it left in her heart was like a bruise that would never go away, but she would cherish it forever."

Emotional Structures

2010-08-22T04:13:00.003+02:00

Losing my child has changed the core structure of my emotions. Positive feelings like peace, hope and happiness that used to be simple and uncomplicated have become complex and intrinsically combined with an underlying sense of loss, guilt or confusion. And where before I could put reason and perspective to sadness, nothing can be done to divert or dilute the longing I feel. My sorrow is as deep and pure as I think any sorrow possibly can be. I will always want Daniel.

Sweet And Broken Dreams

2010-08-14T19:49:00.005+02:00

We collected Daniel's things from storage last week, after nearly 19 months. It was something I wanted to do but I was also scared and I was not sure if I really was ready to open all those containers that I so randomly packed after Daniel had died. But I did it. I went through everything, took out the bits that I wanted and repacked the rest.

Some moments were heartbreakingly sad….his shoes still dusty from where he walked with me talking and holding my hand, his Winnie the Pooh school bag ready for the school year that never started, Christmas presents that he never was given a chance to play with, the Mickey Mouse cards that I bought our last time shopping together...

And some moments were painfully sweet...photos of him that I forgotten I had, a piece of paper with baby Daniel scribbles on it, the Dr Seuss books that Alecia read to Daniel so many times that the books and the "reading" became a mere formality as they both knew every word by heart.....

What can I see?
I see a bee.
Now a goat sees me!

An egg feels smooth.
A bush feels prickly.
Fluffy feathers feel soft and tickly!

A tasty lollypop!
Lovely cream!
Empty plate, licked clean!

I can hear a noise.
I can too.
What can we hear?
A king's KERCHOO!

Noses are for smelling.
Doughnuts smell sweet.
Lots of noses smelling owls' feet!

In total I believe it was the right time and the right choice to bring Daniel's things from storage. I feel lighter, more complete and some way closer to Daniel, which is good and difficult and painful.

I miss his physical presence, his breath, his life and in my heart I know the truth, the harsh reality that there is humanly nothing that anyone can do to ever substitute, repair or replace what Daniel, Henry, Alecia and I have lost.

We Will Live In Birds And Flowers

2010-07-21T04:01:00.001+02:00

From : His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass)

"I'll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we'll cling together so tight that nothing and no one'll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you... We'll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams... And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they wont' just be able to take one, they'll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."

Forgiveness

2010-07-20T07:03:00.006+02:00

To keep on living after I have lost Daniel will never be easy. His death has left me with so many challenges (other than my sorrow and longing),difficulties that I have to deal with every day, soul torturing events that I must somehow survive, impossible hurdles that I need to clear on my journey towards some kind of renewed peace and healing.

One of these barriers blocking my way is forgiveness. I really want to forgive Daniel's father and stepmother and I have no doubt about whether I should do it or not but in the words of Rev Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the 2005 London bombings, it will not be easy. She said that forgiving another human being for violating your child was almost beyond human capabilities. I know.

But I also know that to forgive the unforgivable is not impossible: The Forgiveness Project / The Catherine Blunt Foundation.

It is a just a process.

What I have learned this far:

Forgiveness is not a weakness

Forgiveness does not cause a loss of identity
Forgiveness does not entail a loss of specialness
Forgiveness does not mean the pain has gone away.
Forgiveness does not mean a loss of face

Forgiveness is not condoning or absolving the wrong behavior
Forgiveness is not forgetting
Forgiveness is not denial, pretending it didn't happen
Forgiveness is not a thing we just do by a brutal act of the will

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness does not release the offenders from obligations they may or may not recognize

Forgiveness does not exempt the injurer from the demands of justice.