Losing in plain sight

back to dieting

2012-01-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

Its been almost a week and its gotten to the easy point, more water. No sugar.no alcohol. Id gained 10 pounds back of.the 30 I lost.I was down on myself so I fed the pain. I'm still not yo yhr.workout phase. I know from the past that as the weight comes off the energy comes in

Ashamed, embarrassed, defeated, depressed - take 2 what weight wieghs

2011-09-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today the scale read just over 169. I feel like crying.

The weight started coming back within a couple months of my "stopping" my exchange diet.
I'd hit 159 and I was over the moon. I looked good. I felt good. I knew how to eat and I was active! Drinking my water. Watching my starches, fats, portions. I was making good food choices, avoiding alcohol excess and ignoring sugar.

But I felt good - and I felt like giving in to those food cravings as a reward.
Alcohol, even one glass would loosed my will power. I deserved to snack! I deserved another drink. I was relaxing! Then sugar showed up - in candy bars, jaw breakers, licorice, cookies, mixed drinks. Snack driven evenings - watching tv and being influenced by every food ad, every glass lifted to an actor's mouth, every illicit draw on a joint.

As the weight came back I pretended it was just the everyday ups and downs - until the tummy bulge came back. Even without gaining alot of weight... It hurt to lean over - the fat in my middle was bunching up over my jeans and under my bra. So the new bras I bought a month back now hurt and that put me back into my "sports bras" which are much more like a compression bra because they flatten me without flattering. No longer feeling feminine and cute,I crave nighttime so I can go without a bra. And eat. And eat. And eat. I escaped back into a world where I had blinders on, where i could still say "I lost 30 lbs!" and ignore that I gained back 10.

10 is 1/3 of what I'd work so hard to loose. A stone - a bag of potatoes - a loss of posture and grace and energy. Pounds that can either push me back into pity eating and indulging - or - pounds that can be seen as a sign - a big red stop sign.

I wanted to loose more than 30 and I stopped and reversed. When I started loosing - it was a whim. It became harder as time when on and my body hung on to EVERY pound. And now, I have to start over AGAIN. Not a whim this time. But not an encouraging path either.

I feel horrid. And I have another factor stopping me from turning this around. Maybe 2.
First there is Ben who is back wanting all the treats and meals he did not get when I WAS on the exchange diet. He got fit too. But now he is fighting my choices. He started with the "just relax and enjoy yourself" to "I want cookies, candy, chips, treats, hamburgers, pizza." He says "I am depressed when I'm on a diet - obsessed" And yet - I feel more obsessed and depressed NOW when i have all but abandoned my healthy habits. And I feel I have to HIDE my diet or he will start in again about how I don't NEED to do it and that if only... this... or if only ... that... topped off with a big "i love you the way you are. You've always been a big girl." wtf
I have to put what he says to one side. I DON'T LOVE THE WAY I AM NOW.

The other factor - halloween - candy candy candy.
It was the candy that took me from just under 165 a week ago to just under 170 today.

My exchange note book is back in my hands.
I am now listing my WEIGHT in the morning.
I added a place to track exercise. (min 30 min a day)
I am drinking my water and TRYING to avoid alcohol.
I know if I smoke at night, I'm going to WANT to snack - so if I can't stop snacking - I have to stop that too.

It feels like I'm being punished by having to work to loose what I lost before.
I hope after the first 5 lbs I can relax

Again

2011-07-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

I told myself I could hold my new wiegh. I did. But the shape of me went from fit to flab. I feel lumpy and like I want to feed my angst. I told myself if the scale tipped past 160 I had to back on the exchange diet.

Day one.
It sucks.
I know I've got weeks before I'll see results.
Weeks.

Bummer

Rebound pounds? Nope.

2011-06-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since I stopped counting my "points" and I haven't gained.

I'm comfortable where I am. I'm nowhere near what I "thought" my goal would be. Instead I stopped at a point where I felt good about myself! It dovetailed into an adjustment of my bp meds. A month ago I needed a bump up and when I felt relaxed in my mind I relaxed my expectations.

So I'm not counting but I'm on track. Watching what I ate so closely I internalized healthy eating. I now drink achohol at night (not to excess) and I eat more carbs, more fat, and more protein - but I drink water and I avoid sugar. Every time I eat I still see it as points that I might not count but consider. An extra helping of rice, ok, cheese why not? Pizza, a piece or two. Cake at a party? Oh yells yeah. But candy is not my friend. Neither is full fat ice cream or even whole milk. I chose lean meats over fatty ones - or I have less of the fatty ones. I snack on veggies first, then fruit- oh I really want salty carbs but I watch my portions. I put the pretzels in a small bowl and don't eat out of the bag. I dont eat potato chips but I had French fries yesterday. I hadn't had them in months, but I won't eat them often.

A month with no gain tells me I can hold at what ever wieght I want to be. The fear of losing a bunch of wieght only to gain it back is gone.

I know now, if I want to lose more, I can. I would just need to go back to tracking my points. And if I begin to gain, I know I can fall back to tracking points. It's my go-to back up. It works and it taught me what that pesky food pyramid looks like in real world eating. If it's good for you, eat it. If it does nothing for your body, avoid it or eat it in moderation.

Whining

2011-05-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

I was on track yesterday but I added 2 glasses of wine at night, which added some crackers. All in all, just ok. Mood last night, mood for past 2 weeks - depressed.
I went in for a check up with my medicating psych doc - med strengths going up. Adding more wellbutrin. Added an extra anxiety med as needed. I'll be sleepy for next week as these settle in. Just like I plan on keeping my weight where it is (or less) I also plan on keeping my bipolar at bay. The goal is to be healthy AND happy.

Food Journal May 26, 2011
weight 157 - mood (still working on it)
8:30 coffee with lowfat milk
9:30 2 eggwhites over 1 slice low calorie bread, coffee
11:00 water
12:30 water, salad (mixed green,celery,peaches, chopped smoked turkey, olive oil and raspberry vinegar) salt/ground pepper.
planning on going to taste of canton for dinner munching - so saving up carbs for that. fats too.

One day at a time

2011-05-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

Following yesterday's post, I am going to journal today.

I'm starting out not expecting to lose wieght. Looking back at my food journals I can see EXACTLY why I am holding steady. I stay on track all day long, then in the evenings I fall back into my old habits of induluging. I give in to wine, pretzels, low-fat ice cream treats, a zillion sugar free popcicles, and any candy in the house. This overeating "looks" like I'm still dieting. The choices aren't bad. Most fall into my points if I've saved some.

It's my emotional state behind the night eating that's the issue.
Food is the friend who's always there for me.
Food is the connection when with friends.

Food journal 5/24/11:
Woke up late (10:45) Wieght 159
11:00-11:30. 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup kashi go lean, medium banana, 1 cup non-fat milk, 16 oz water
2:00 water, light style wheat bread, procuitto (1oz)
4:00 coffee w low fat soy milk
6:00 pineapple, water
7:30 chicken kabobs w mushrooms,onion,pepper. Ear of corn (no butter), water

Recipes for losing weight

2011-05-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

I was asked yesterday for some of the recipes I've been using to lose weight. . I create my recipes based on what I've already eaten during the day, I choose a lean meat and pair it with abundant veggies, and no more than a teaspoon of oil per person. I add fruit, and a starch. The combos are really just what ben and I like.

Tonight we had Skewers of beef and onions and peppers paired with an ear of corn and a salad of greens, grapefruit, mint, green onions, with a dressing of raspberry vinegar and sesame oil - topped with black pepper and red pepper flakes.

Last night we made a cajun chicken stew. I sauté onions, garlic, red peppers on med till soft. Add in cajun spice ( we used chille pepper and cumin, etc) then a can of roasted diced tomato, and a can of undrained black eye peas. Stir then add in diced raw chicken breasts. ( we do 3 small 1/2 breasts for 2 servings.) cook covered on low till chicken is done. Serve with rice or slices of bread.

Another favorite is to slice a large onion, red pepper, green pepper, thin... Sauté on high heat (use 2 teasp oil) then add in thin sliced steak along with quite a bit of pepper and salt. You can eat this fajita style in a tortilla, or over rice, or over salad greens. We also make this with chicken.

If we can't come up with an idea- we enter ingredients into google!
I adjust the amount of fat/oil- keep meat lean- watch the carbs - bump up the veggies.

Another note:
I'm maintaining now, not working to loose. Im working on accepting myself as I am.

Adjusting perception, not waistline

2011-05-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

Had a fabulous talk with my nutritionist yesterday. I came in with food logs that showed I was not eating exactly as I've been told. I drank wine almost every day and sometimes a beer. I ate more starches and more fat and more protein. And yet... I feel great. I feel amazing at the place I am now. I am not where I said I would go. And well, so what?

Finally, I like the body I'm in now!

It's not the size I was going for, but it's at least 2 sizes under what I was. I have a waist! I see myself in the mirror and I SMILE! This me is a good me. Yes, I'm going to keep up my logs and watch what I eat. Yes, if I stay at least "close" to my plan I'll keep loosing. It won't be obvious. And thats just fine.

I've learned to think about my food choices. I'm not going to eat sugary foods, much. I'm not going to eat foods high in fat, much. What I am going to do is gauge my activity level against my food. Active = more food. More food= more active. As long as I am more active than what I eat, my weight will go down. If it's equal, I'll stay at the weight I am.

Drepession for me is a big factor in how I eat, so I'll always need to pay attention to that. And if I start feeling like I'm fat (when I'm not) I need to come back and read this.

If I don't loose another ounce, I'm perfect just the way I am.

Off

2011-05-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ben says some days I let dieting define me. I get upset over things that I should ignore.

Yeah. Today is one of those days.

I'm down. Could be my mind. I'm bi polar, so I can't always trust my emotions. But I do know when it's a good day to stop judging my personal progress against.......

Cheers.

What's on your driver's license?

2011-05-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

If you were to get on a scale while looking at your driver's license, would the actual number be 10, 20, 30 pounds higher? Go on, look. Mine currently says I weight 165. That's the weight I put down when I moved to Ohio. What did I actually weigh then? Probably more like 180, but within 4 months I weighed in at 195. Did I rush out to change the weight on the license? No. Did I even think the number on the license was a lie? No.

They make sure we can see without corrective lenses, but there is no scale at the DMV (BMV here in Ohio.) We are left to our own to list our height, eye color, hair color, and weight. Let's see... mine says I am 5'6" (I'm 5'4" - just measured) my hair is red (my hair is brown) and my eyes are hazel (sounds so much better than gray). Did I lie? No. How close is your license description to the current "you?"

We list what we want to believe on our licenses. If I'm taller, I can weigh more on the "chart" - I dye my hair, so it's shade of reddish most of the time - I always wanted my eyes to be green, but at some point hazel seemed a compromise between the gray they are and the green I wished they were. And 165? It's the weight I "guessed" at the time.

Weight is a weird thing to all of us.

At any time we can step on a scale, or a different scale and get a different amount. When our weight is up, we say "this scale is heavy." When our weight is down, we say "I've been working on my weight." Both are bullshit and we know it. Our bodies change weight throughout the day. There is no ONE weight for us, thus we get to guess. And when we guess, we guess lower. Sometimes by a LOT lower.

The amount we guess is kind of a "magic" number for us. It's the weight, at that moment, we believe we should weigh "if." If we we walked, if we worked out, if we didn't have to cook for the family, if we weren't so stressed - so busy, if we drank more water, if things weren't so sad, if things weren't so wonderful. It's by no means a lie. Each of us REALLY believe we should weigh our "magic" number and believe in our hearts it's easily within reach. So, we say it's true. Because it "could" be true. Because we want it to be true. Because we can feel ok about ourselves when that number is true.

It could be true.

I believed until recently that this is the FIRST time I every tried to diet. That belief was likely born out of the realization that this is the first time I am an active participant and not a hopeful bystander. It is certainly the first time I ever made the effort to write down what I eat, and the first time I have ever been honest about what I eat - and how little I exercise. Really, I do water aerobics 2x a week. That's it. Some weeks I walk, or work out a bit, or count housekeeping, gardening, manic behavior as "working out." But this is not the first time, I've thought "I need to loose weight" or "I am loosing weight " or "if I gain 5 more pounds I will be fat and my world will crash around me " and then I focus on the scale for a few weeks until the thought goes away. This is the first time I combined thought and action to make my magic number true.

Of course our license "magic" number is not our REAL "magic" number. Take off 10,20,30 pounds from that. For me, my magic number is 135. It was the weight of my 20's and was the most consistent weight until I had kids.

And that's why dieting is so hard. We have 3 numbers in our heads, the weight on the scale, the weight we feel we could be "if," and the number we wish we could be but can't allow ourselves to believe is possible. It's a long way down. And when we reach the number on our license, it's just where we should be in our minds. Where's the success in that? If the reward is not worth the effort, we just keep believing it will happen on it's own.

I used to tell myself (and anyone who would listen) that I could control my weight through "positive thinking." All I had to do was believe I weighed less and I would! This believe did in fact come true for me on a number of occasions, but the more likely scenario is that used the times it seemed to be true to trick myself into thinking I never needed to watch my weight. Case in point: When the kids were 5 and 8 I was around 155 lbs (my license said 135 lbs) and I was unhappy. I was "mom stuck at home while husband has a life" lonely. I found I could go online and play in chat rooms as who ever I wanted. I recreated the version of me from when I was 19 (I was 41.) Online I was "me" but I was 19 with short hair (mine was longish) and I weighed 125. My online self (Tink) was flirty and funny and soon gathered quite a bit of attention. I met my husband, Ben (who really was 19). I imagined myself in the life I could have with him. I imagined me young and thin and unencumbered with all my "ifs." In three months my weight plummeted from 155 to 125. I had become my character and I was a woman in turmoil.was Life as I knew it collapsed in on me and I came out of it living the life I imagined with Ben - and gained a new world of "ifs." 19 year olds love fast food. In 3 years I gained it all back and then some.

I had one more weight plummet just before Ben and I got married.

When checking in for a surgery, I was shocked that my perceived weight of 145 (what was on my license) was actually 163. Shock set in as did my worry that marrying him might not be my best choice. (it was and has been for the past 12 years) My thinking I might be better off on a different path led me back to imagining myself as that 19 year old again and my weight dropped from 163 to 135. I was running and not drinking alcohol and being ACTIVE (ie manic). I hurt my knee running (I had a bad knee to start with) and I went from active to inactive. When we got married 3 months later 135 climbed right back up to 160. (I kept 145 on my new license)

That was the first time my doctor said I needed to loose weight. It was 12 years ago. Since then my weight has been on a steady incline. Every 6 months I'd see my doctor and I'd be heavier. Every time she'd ask me "do you need a nutritionist?" I'd say "no, I know how to eat right!" ( I didn't) She suggested weight watchers which freaked me out. Certainly I was not one of THOSE women! (I was) Every step of the way my husband told me he loved me "just the way I was." (and was, and was, and was)

12 years of yoga tapes, running shoes, swim fins, workout videos, stationary bike, roller blades, water aerobics, walking walking walking and all I did was get heavier. 12 years of up with a little down along the way until I hit 195. I weighed less than that pregnant and thought I was heavy THEN. How did I get there?

I got there through the magic of misdirection. I got there because I believed that at any moment my body would slim down the the weight I believed I "was." 135, 145, 165... I believed the solution was to just imagine myself thinner. I believed if I just worked out more those pounds I put on would fall off again. At the end, I just believed maybe that was the "weight I was meant to be."

Even having my doctor tell me he believed I would DIE in the next 5 years if I did not change my eating habits did not change my belief that my weight would eventually take care of itself.

What changed me was a TV show called "Heavy."

I watched in fascination as people MUCH MUCH heavier than me admitted they had a problem they could not face alone. They put themselves in the hands of trainers and nutritionists. They were held accountable to those people. They learned what it means to eat healthy. They learned that to loose weight they had to want it. They had to REALLY want it. I watched as each would cry and complain and slowly loose. Over the course of 6 months most lost 100lbs. The last few months they had to keep loosing on their own - making the right food choices - moving their bodies.

It clicked in my head. If they could do it, I could do it. That click for me happened in January after I got hurt skiing. I was in pain and could not walk well. I was stuck doing nothing all day. I got my phone and used "lose it" to track my calories. After a month, I went to a weight control meeting. (I was the thinnest in the room) I joined anyway and began working with a nutritionist. And I've been steadily dropping pounds.

I was asked at one point, "why are you wanting to lose weight?"

At first I said "to get to a healthy weight." Then it hit me, I wanted my outside view to match my inside view. It was not a number so much as a vision of myself as I expect to see every time I look in the mirror or at a photo of myself. It's not age, I expect to see my age. I want to see the body INSIDE the one I've just been wearing until I get back to my magical weight.

I gave away all my "big" clothes. I've been told I'm gonna wish I had them when I gain it back. We give up, don't we. We assume we'll weigh more than that number on our license. Will I? Will I ever go back up? Sure I will.. up and down.. scale to scale. But I plan on the ups being no more than 5 pounds. I plan for the downs to be normal, not exceptional. I know how to eat now.

My license says 165. Today I weigh 157. When I renew it in 2013 I'm gonna weigh myself and put down what it says on that day. And what ever that number is, it will be my magic number.

I scream for ice cream!

2011-05-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

There is something fabulous about having a go to treat that fits my diet.

Non fat and sugar free soft serve with 60 flavor options. Tonight I tried espresso flavor, yum! Tonight I had it in a cup to skip the cone.
More able to determine how much in a cup. Now I can tell it really is equal to 2 milk points!

My favorite go to treat was light and fit yogurt, which, while awesome, can't beat ice cream!

Downs and ups

2011-04-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am down...depressed. Nothing in particular just stressing (normal for me) and wanting to feed the stress. ( also normal)

I ate all my portions of everything I'm allowed hours ago. I've spent the time watching this season's nurse Jackie, and wishing for pretzels, wine, chocolate, anything. My only saving grace is that ben has friends over and I am in another room with the bloodhound. Or maybe that's why I am wanting to raid the kitchen. Lonely ... An excuse... Really just a tough day.

Bloodhound is snoring with his face pressed against my arm. He gets the same food, twice a day, same amount. He accepts it. He is fit and happy. But I'm wide-awake and arguing my internal case for a popcicle or a reasonable amount of gum. ( which would be four pieces)

I am going to give in.
The stress is killing me.
I promise I'll claim what I eat.

Super Foods!

2011-04-30T08:36:00.001-07:00

Every day I open the paper to see a full page ad for Super Food crackers and cookies. They claim to be full of good stuff that your body will thrive on. They appear to be marketed to dieters who are looking for a quick fix. (Aren't we all?)

There is no quick fix.

Super Foods are just crackers and cookies with a bit of goodness thrown in. They are still starch. They will still add on the calories. You could replace other starch for them but do you REALLY want to skip a bowl of whole grain cereal, or a sandwich, or rice, or potato, or pasta for a cookie?

I was told last week to go back to SIMPLE eating. Combo foods, including restaurant food it complicated to figure the value in it. Simple eating helps me track what goes in to my body and insures me I am getting all the nutrition I need to be healthy.

After 2 months I am able to gauge what I am eating without referring to my "chart." I look at food in terms of it's value and proportion. I can plan out my day of eating so that at dinner time - there's plenty to eat. There is actually plenty to eat at every meal.

My skin is soft because I drink 64 oz of water a day. My cholesterol went down because I am choosing LEAN meat and eating more whole grains. My body is regular because I eat fresh veggies and fruits every day. I am losing weight because my body is tapping into the stored fat because it knows it does not need to hold on to it. I get ENOUGH calories a day.

I mess up. I fess up. But the diet I am on works for me, so I KNOW it would work for you too. Today I weigh 157. Three and a half months ago I weighed 189. That's 32 pounds lost, an average of 1.5 lbs a week. That's WITH making mistakes along the way.

I went from obese, to overweight, to within 2 pounds of healthy weight, and I did it without eating Super Foods, or just meat, or starving.

KISS - Keep it super simple!

Course correcting

2011-04-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

I just went back and read a post I blogged it two years ago almost to the day. I did not stay on coarse that year or the next, but I revisited the same conclusions today as I did then. I am addicted to sweet treats. We all are.

If I indulge in anything that gives me the green light on making bad food choices - I lose will power. If I pop a piece of sugar free gum in my mouth, the hit of sugar-like goodness flashes the "more like this now!" button. Once off the path, well, you know the story. We've all been there.

What I know now that I did not know 2 years ago was that I need a plan to give me the green light to say no instead of yes. There is still a lot of sugar free gum in my house and it's right there at every check out. I still want it. My mind says i should eat sweet sugar free to replace the even greater urge to stuff fistfuls of chocolate into my mouth. The urges and their "replacements" are really the same thing. Giving in to them, or to alcohol which leads to giving in to them is stepping off the path. You can stop and eat the candy, cake, pie, ice cream, but you can't eat it without acknowledging it. I plan to give myself that moment to think, "I could eat that, but I'll be writing it in my food diary."

In fact, if I can't keep on coarse, I'm going to post my food diary.
It's one thing to share it with my nutritionist - i pay her to slap me on the wrist or praise me.
But sharing with everyone would be... Raw.

My husband loves his milkshakes and our favorite summer soft serve is just a few blocks away.They have non fat sugar free soft serve. Last week I was justifying cherry milkshakes. I claimed them as 2 milks and a fruit.

Fess up time... They are more like 4 milks (I'm only allowed 2) and the fruit? It's sugar syrup with a handful of candied cherries, not real fruit which has valuable nutrition and fiber.

Tonight we went there for my husbands milkshake and I revised what I can have. A small cone, flavored, really is 2 servings of milk - especially if I skip the cone. Tonight I had root beer flavored soft serve. I had skipped other milk products all day for that treat. it was not a reward or a substitute.It was on my plan. It was on coarse. It was delicious.

If the suit fits....

2011-04-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

My main workout of choice is water aerobics. I go 2x a week and have made a little band of girl friends who I chat with. They let me know I'm missed if I don't show up. I'm a bit of an oddity in the class. Yes because of my tattoos, but mostly because I use the largest water weights I can and I try to get my heart rate up to 120 or higher.

I started my workouts 10 pounds ago in my old speedo. I tried on new ones at that time and was depressed to learn could not get into a size 16. I refused to buy a new one in a larger size. The girls and i laughed about how horrid it is to shop for suits. Just the thought of it made me anxious.

My old speedo fell apart yesterday.

Today I reluctantly went shopping for new ones. I chose TJ max because since the chlorine in the pool wears out suits fast so why spend more. I looked through the 16s, then the 14s - gathering a handful of each. I knew I might be disappointed but I added a size 12 to the bunch. I literally was SWIMMING in the 16s. Ditto for most of the 14s.

To my amazement and joy I now wear a size 12 swimming suit!
And just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I braved trying on a pair of capri pants size 12.
You can not believe the feeling of the zipper going up and the waist band buttoned in a size you never thought you'd wear again.

They were not even tight.

So far so goods and so bads

2011-04-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

I've lost just over 30 lbs since Jan 15. That's good. I felt good about my progress and started cheating with my eating. It started with adding alcohol , wine, when vacationing in napa. I ate out and ate well and did not gain weight when there, but I kept having wine and then evening drinks with my husband. That led to eating out with him then eating more starch, fat - skipping water - skipping workouts.

My so bad... Oh that would be the day after Easter when after two glasses of wine I lost all will power and ate EVERY bit if candy in my Easter basket. Then all the chocolate in my husband's basket. Um... Yeah. Sugar fueled frenzy. My rational? If I eat it all at once, the calories won't stick....

There is nothing good about stuffing candy in my mouth, chewing all the gum balls. My body and pride were in agony.

It began with sugar free but just as sweet.. Popsicles, gum, jello, soda.... A lot. I mean a lot... Like 6 popsicles... Huge bowl of jello... 20 pieces of gum ... Chew... Toss... Chew... Toss. Disgusting. Embarrassing. The more I ate the more I wanted. The more I ate. The calories add up. And then I would skip real food to make up the calories I ate in junk. Omg. Not cool.

So today I admitted it all to my nutrianist who said "blog it" then " go back to basic eating "

Day one. No treats. Workout. Water. More tea. More veggies.
So far so good.

165

2011-02-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

A milestone. And doing nothing to stop my memories of where I left from flooding my senses.

I should be happy. Maybe it's just a moment of - what? Of wishing here was as wonderful as there? Of wishing I had the same options, people, places that made me who I am. Who am I here?

A year and a half and I still don't know.
I guess it will take more time for the welcome to come.

Losing weight, today, is reminding me of so much else I lost when I moved.

Basic exchange guides

2011-02-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

1200 cal diet= 4 starch/6 meat/3-6 vegetables/3 fruit/2 milk/3 fat PER DAY + 64 oz water

1 starch:
Breads: 1 slice bread, 2 slices reduced calorie bread, 1/4 bagel, 1/2 small pita
Cereal: 1/2 cup
Pasta: 1/3 cup
Vegetables: 1 small potato, 1/2 cup corn, peas, plantain, mashed potato, winter squash, yam
Chips and snacks: 2 - 2.5" graham crackers, 3 cups air popped corn, 3/4 oz pretzels, matzoh, whole wheat non fat crackers, 6 saltines, 7 tortilla chips, 2- 4" rice cakes, 20 oyster crackers.

1 starch AND 1 meat:
Beans: 1/2 cup -garbanzo, pinto, kidney, white, black eyed peas, lentils, lima beans, refried or baked beans

1 starch AND 1 meat AND .5 fat
Hummus

1 meat = VERY LEAN
Chicken or Turkey: 1oz white meat w/ no skin
Fish: 1 oz - Fresh cod, flounder, haddock, halibut, trout, Tuna (fresh or canned in water)
Shellfish: 1oz

1 meat = LEAN
Beef: 1 oz - round, sirloin, flank, tenderloin, rib chuck or rump roast, steak cubed, ground round. Pork: 1 oz ham, tenderloin, center loin chop.
Lamb: 1 oz roast, leg, chop.
Chicken or Turkey: 1 oz dark meat w/o skin or white w/skin.
Egg Whites: 2
Low Fat Cottage Cheese: 1/4 cup
Parmesan Cheese: 2 tbs grated
Cheese: 1oz (3 grams or less of fat)
Soy Milk (low fat): 1 cup

1 meat AND .5 fat
Beef: 1 oz ground beef, meatloaf, corned beef, short ribs, prime grades trimmed (prime rib)
Lamb: 1 oz rib roast.
Chicken or Turkey: 1 oz dark meat w/skin, ground, fried.
Pork: 1 oz top loin, chop, cutlet.
Fish: i1 oz fried.
Cheese: 1 oz feta, mozzarella, 1/4 cup ricotta.
Egg: 1
Soy milk: 1 cup
Tofu: 4oz

1 meat AND 1 fat:
Beef: 1 oz spare ribs
Pork: 1 oz sausage
Cheese: 1 oz
Peanut butter: 1tbs

1 milk: 1 cup skim or 6oz non fat yogurt

1 vegetable: 1 cup raw or 1/2 cup cooked or canned
artichoke, asparagus, beets, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumber, eggplant, green beans, green onions, greens, Jicama, Kohlarabi, leeks, mushrooms, okra, onions, pea pods, peppers, radishes, salad greens, sauerkraut or borscht, spinach, summer squash, tomato, tomato juice, turnips, water chestnuts, zucchini

1 fruit:
Fresh fruits: 4oz - small apple, banana, pear, tangerine, orange, kiwi. 1/2 grapefruit. 3/4 cup berries or pineapple. 1 cup melon, papaya. 17 grapes. 3 dates. 12 cherries. 1.25 cups strawberries.
Canned fruits: 1/2 cup
Dried fruits: 2tbs
Juice: 1cup reduced calorie cranberry juice. 1/3 cup blend or grape juice or prune juice. 1/2 cup citrus or pineapple

1 fat:
read lables and choose monostaturated and polysaturated fats over saturated fats -
I've listed in better > worse choices.
Avocado: 2 tbs
Oils: 1 tsp olive, canola, peanut oil, margarine, corn, flax, sunflower, soybean, cottonseed or grapefruit seed oil, butter, 2 tsp whipped butter, 2 tbs reduced fat butter, 1 tsp shortening.
Seeds and Nuts: 2 tsp peanut butter or tahini paste, 1 tbs sesame seeds, 1o peanuts, 6 almonds, 4 halves pecans, walnuts.
Olives: 8 large black, 10 large green w/pimento
Salad dressing: 2 tsp reg salad dressing, 2 tbs reduced fat salad dressing,
Mayo and miracle whip: 1 tsp mayo, 1 tbs reduced fat mayo, 2 tsp miracle whip, 1 tbs reduced fat miracle whip.
Milk products: 2 tbs cream, 1/2 oz cream cheese, 1 oz reduced fat cream cheese, 2 tbs sour cream, 3 tbs reduced fat sour cream.
Coconut: 2 tbs

free choices - 3 per day:
Veggie: 1/4 cup salsa. 1.5 dill pickles. 1tbs fat free cream cheese, nondairy creamer, fat free
Milk like product: 1 tbs fat free or 1 tsp reduced fat margarine, 1tbs fat free cream cheese,1 tbs fat free sour cream, 2 tbs whipped topping light or non fat
Salad Dressing: 1 tsp low fat, 1 tbs fat free
Sweets: 1 piece sugar free hard candy, 2 tsp low sugar jam, 2 tbs sugar free syrup, 1 tbs unsweetened cocoa powder

Any amount:
Sweets: sugar free jello, sugar substitutes,
Cooking: non stick cooking spray, wine used in COOKING
Condiments: soy sauce, horseradish, mustard, vinegar, lemon juice, , Tabasco, Worcestershire., spices, garlic, herbs
Drinks: bouillon, mineral and soda water, tea, diet soda. sugar free drink mixes, sugar free tonic water.

Eating to lose

2011-02-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

You see so many quick fix programs that say if you only "do this" or " take this" or " use this " that the pounds will drop off WITHOUT changing the way you eat.

Yeah, right.

If you flip it, it really DOES work. Eat this way and the pound WILL fall off. I am proof.

If you eat the exchange diet at the 1200 cal a day level. ( higher for men) you will lose WITHOUT working out. I'm not saying you should not work out, I'm saying you can lose even you can't.

The magic numbers you MUST meet every day are:
4 starch
6 meat
3-6 veggies
3 fruit
2 milk
3 fat
4 16oz glasses of water
No sugar
No alcohol

You could NOT follow this without a guide though. And you MUST weigh and measure foods and ingredients.
If you do a google search for FOOD EXCHANGE you,ll find quite a few basic guides. I have not found a comprehensive guide.

Easiest way to begin is to keep it simple. Only buy lean meat you can bake or grill. Eat fresh veggies or steamed veggies. Find fruits you love.

what wieght weighs

2011-02-24T16:21:00.001-08:00

Nutritionist slipped a weighted vest on me today to show just how much I've lost.

It was SO heavy - and it was only 17lbs and I've lost 20.

I love the exchange diet. It works and it's teaching me how to eat healthy! In the last week and a half I dropped 5 lbs just by eating right. I have been too sick with a cold to work out.

Eatting right has become a habit

2011-02-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

Weight this morning (naked) 164.4

Yes yes during the course of the day this could go up as much as 4 lbs or so with water and food. But since last entry - same time of day - well, its a milestone.

Since starting my food exchange diet I've moved from paper to excel docs on my ipad. It's much easier for me to use this tool to "pre plan" my diet day. By entering the dinner I plan to fix and the exchanges it will take, I'm able to work in all the points I need until then. It's also fixing the problem of having to eat more than I want at the end of the day to "catch up."

I put a link to the NHLBI web page on my ipad so I can see the basics of food exchange without dragging out the paper chart. If you are interested, the here's the link.

My new excel chart also has the approx calorie equivalents for each point and the total calorie count for the day. (around 1225 cal) I am also tracking water I drink. I am to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. I measured a glass so I know that it's 16 oz, then I track each time I drink. Without diet drinks - it's easy to drink MORE than enough water!

There is no "room" in this diet for alcohol or sugar. I realize that I am not needing any, though I doubt I could do without salt. Salt has made meals without butter so much better. I think it was as much the salty butter as the fat that I was craving. I also use my favorite snack, sunflower seeds, when I have not met my "fat" requirement for the day. With some math, a small bag of seeds=1.7 oz. Half a bag, unshelled = 1 tbs which = 1 starch.

I've come up with a number of ways to eat well within the plan. Low calorie bread, while a bit soft, lets me make a full sandwich because I can use 2 slices instead of one. Reduced fat buttery spread is another indispensable tool. I can use up to 3 tsp a day as a "free" choice - no points) I can use it in place of butter in recipes ( I use less than called for) and it WORKS. Last night I made biscuits with it. I've started recipe files (again on ipad using pages) that show exchange points, calorie count, and ingredients per serving. Multiply by the portions. Simple. The best advice I could give someone would be to find basic foods you can eat over and over. Knowing I chose one of three breakfasts, that I only buy lean meat (chicken breast/cod/sirloin/ground turkey/pork loin chops), and that I love light and fit non-fat yogurt (especially caramel) keeps me on track. Onions, garlic, carrots, celery, radishes, tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, fennel, peppers, small potatoes, whole wheat pastas, crackers, tuna, skim milk, low fat cottage cheese, low fat cheese, low fat soy milk, apples, cantaloupe, watermelon, bananas, pears, hummus, pita, eggs... I keep my fridge and counter stocked with options. And I plan my day, roughly around what I have on hand.

What at first seemed challenging, now seems so incredibly obvious. And I can see down the road how tracking what I eat will help me keep the weight I eventually decide is my target.

Target. I have no idea what that is right now. I think it's safe to say what I weighed in my 20's is not a realistic goal. I am just NOT as active (and hyper) as I was then. I think I'll shoot for normal BMI and see how that feels. For now, THIS weight feels like I am floating. I am swimming in the tops that I used to hide my stomach with. Pants that were too tight to even zip are now slipping off without unzipping.

Exercise - I've been to the gym once. I fully intend to go often, but I've had a cold with a cough for over a week . I know, no excuse is a good excuse. I have Wii fit as well as xbox 360 and a bowflex at home. There are stairs I can run up and down. With the way I'm breathing right now, I've been using heavy cleaning, and laundry (up and down stairs with heavy baskets) as my "activity." While that has worked up till now - I need to work regular workouts into my life with the same energy I worked nutritional food into my life.

Pathetic

2011-02-15T15:42:00.000-08:00

I just went time traveling through my posts on this blog.

The theme is - I reach the place I feel "fat" and I moan and groan.
I binge if I feel it's hopeless. Or I starve.
Starving only works for a bit, then it's the long plateau that ends when I gain it back.

5 weeks ago I weighed 186 (naked)
today I weigh 169 (also naked)
Yes, I did my "only eat 960 calories a day" starvation diet.
But not every day.
I was not able to work out due to a pinched nerve in my back that left me in agony.
Pain has subsided.
I've been watching "Heavy" on A&E and it made sense.
You have to focus and WANT to change to make it work.
You have to VISUALIZE where you want to be.
You have to have help - accountability.
so...
A couple weeks back I went to a weight loss meeting where I was the skinniest in the room. I listened through the liquid only diet, the liquid 2x day + food diet. I raised my hand and asked about their 3rd option she had not even mentioned. Nutritionist guided diet with the bonus of free hospital gym and pool access.

The gym and pool are ONLY for the weight management programs, rehab, and employees of Aultman. I've been there when my mom was in rehab for her knee. Clean, sunny, full of brand new equipment - mostly empty - with coaches to guide you every step of the way.

I signed up for option 3. $250 for 10 weeks. I eat the way they tell me.
I work out at the gym whenever I want or not at all. My choice.

Yesterday I met with my nutritionist for the first time. Seems my low calorie diet was destined to put my body into famine mode. Since I had yet to "plateau" it was perfect timing to move to the new diet. My weight (with clothes) was 173. Waist 36" Hips "40something. My "new" nutritionally guided diet is a bit of a learning curve. I am to eat MORE and more often. I am to drink at least 64 oz of water (yes, JUST water) a day.

The plan comes with a guide for giving foods "exchange" rates. To make it simple, lets call them "points." For my 1200 calorie plan - I don't count calories at all.

My day's food should balance out -
4 starches
6 meat
3-6 veggies
3 fruit
2 milk
3 fat

Portion sizes, ounces, cups, teaspoons... guide tells me options and it's up to me to make it all balance at the end of the day. If I eat this way, for 10 weeks, I'll loose between 1 and 2 pounds a week. Period. If I work out - I'll loose more and I'll be in better shape when I do.

Friday I have my orientation at the gym and start working out. I put it off till then because of a wicked cold and my back is still twinging a bit. I am HOPEFUL that my back will not get worse as I workout.

So what does a day's eating look like?

64 oz water (so far) + coffee + tea at night (love my mint and truvia sweetener)
1 cup oatmeal 2 starch
apple 1 fruit
coffee
1/4 cup soymilk (in the coffee) .5 meat (weird, i know)
6oz light and fit yogurt 1 milk
1/4 cup hummus .5 starch .5 meat .5 fat
1/2 6" pita 1 starch
1 cup cucumber 1 veggie
1/2 cup pineapple 1 fruit
1 snack stick low fat cheese (colby) 1 meat .5 fat
1 small banana 1 fruit
4 oz lean meat 4 meat
1 cup peppers/onion 2 veggie
2 teaspoons of oil to cook the meat/veggies 2 fat
-------------------
so far
3.5 starch (I need to eat .5 of something later... like 5 pretzels)
6 meat ( I need to each 1 more later - or eat another ounce of meat)
3 veggies ( enough but I can eat more later in the evening as snack)
3 fruit (right on)
1 milk (so I'll have another yogurt with my pretzels later)
3 fat

It's confusing - and I FEEL like I am having to eat more than I want right now.

I have never checked out weight watchers, but I remember my doc (year after year) telling me the ONLY way her patients really lost and kept it off was using it. I think, perhaps this system is similar - but with food paring. My nutritionist insists I need to have the right number of everything every day, and log it.

over and over

2010-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

I go back and read this blog and I can see that I KNOW the problem and I have been able to address it... but I loose my grip on it and I slip. over and over.

I was without weed for over a month.
I was not binging at night.
My weight dropped to just under 179 and I celebrated by getting weed and binging.
Night after night - I have been exhausted and grumpy.

I saw myself in photos and thought "NO that is NOT me!" But it was. I seem to THINK I am smaller than I am. Over and over. Even in a mirror I see a thinner me. Photos don't lie. I am officially a heffer.

Today I weigh 184.
I threw away all the damn candy and chips. I put the weed away. I ate right and drank water and worked with Ben on a flagstone patio.

I am a heffer. But damn it I am sick of it.
Over and over - I am sick of it

5 days

2010-02-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

In 5 days I have not had any alcohol or weed. I have eaten responsibly and am choosing lower sugar options. I have skied twice and am going downhill tomorrow. I programmed my phone app to track calories and workouts. I have not binged at night.

I am working to focus on how I am "thinking." If I am spinning, I focus. If I am listing I focus. And I am writing. I've had this "flaw" a long time and it's taken it's toll on me and every relationship I've ever had.

The depression and the weight and the health issues are all tangled up.
I have to stay calm and work on what I can, when I can.

Today I was resting in the hot tub after a long ski and I was caught up in thinking through the process I am in - my mind would not stop. So I thought about what pot does to me or alcohol. Both bring my multidimensional thinking down to a single moment. I let go and give up myself to the experience. But I am also at my most vulnerable at that point. I hide from the world because when I'm drinking or high, I don't think the same way. I see myself as stupid and it cycles right back to feeling low self esteem and the depression deepens. Binging is like busy work.

on the edge

2010-02-23T12:16:00.000-08:00

I saw my doctor today.

I have no end organ issues, but my cholesterol is 350, I have high blood sugar, I am overweight with a serious lack of Vitamin D in my system. He agrees I have NES and a number of other "triggers" that are leading me to self medicate with food. I am depressed. That depression is at the cause of all my health issues. I eat to over full to release the anxiety. I drink and smoke to release anxiety. My over eating has brought me to this edge where I can keep going as I am, and I will die in 5 years.

If I can change - If the depression can be gotten under control, the other issues, including NES will not be needed by my psyche to cope. My weight will go down and my quality of life will go up.

If I can change. First step: new meds. A different cholesterol med, a lower dose of one anxiety med and a second to address the chemical imbalance the first is not touching. Prescription dose of Vitamin D. And time. Time to let the meds take effect. Time to let the depression that is currently controlling me become a low hum instead of a loud roar.

I can see the drop from here.
Depression says I might as well jump, since I'm going there anyway.
Hope says wait, depression should not be in charge.
Depression says, you will never be full enough to be happy.