Losing My Daughter

So Much Left Unsaid

2012-05-27T15:42:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was about 12 years old, my mother was clean from drugs, she struggled with her drug addiction so she would be in & out of being clean. Anyways, she took my sister & I to K-Mart to Shop for some clothes. When walking back I walked ahead because that was just how I was. A few days later my mother tells me “I made her feel as if I was embarrassed to walk with her”. Of course I explained to her that it wasn’t that & I just happened to walk fast & be in my own world. Til this day that memory haunts & I try my best to watch my actions because they can hurt people in ways we wouldn’t think of.

I wish that throughout my life despite what we may have been through & despite the struggle I grew up with emotionally I would’ve paid attention to the things that mattered like the little time I did have with my mother. The pushing away I did because I couldn’t deal with her drug habits. All along I was being so selfish because what about how she felt when she wanted so bad to be clean from drugs all the time & yet it was a struggle she couldn’t shake. How selfish was I that I couldn’t stand by & watch anymore. Who cared if there were days her drugs meant more, who cared that some days we would listen to her pray for more life from God. Who cared that we watched the drugs slowly kill her. I should’ve cared enough to stay a little longer. I should’ve cared enough to stay by her side. I should’ve been there when she left this earth. I should’ve stayed a little longer.

Now all I have are these memories of the good times & of the bad times but they’re memories only. So I have learned to be wise of my actions towards others because you never know how you are making them feel.

Losing my daughter almost a year later taught me to cherish every conversation, every hug, to cherish everybody I know in whichever way we know each other. Losing those close to you teach you that there is no room in our hearts to hate & that there is no reason big enough to truly hate anyone. At the end of every second, there is a chance you may lose someone & it changes your life forever. Trust me when I say the hurt is unbearable a lot of times but the worst is to lose someone with so much left unsaid.

Don't Preach To Me No More

2012-05-14T11:08:00.001-07:00

Tell me what you know that will heal me.

Preach your God on me like he makes it all better

Tell me I have to believe it’s all for a reason

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me she’s in a better place why don’t you?

Preach your God to me

Tell me only he knows why it happened

Preach your God to me why don’t you

Tell me I didn’t deserve it & you don’t understand why it happened but you know God knows, so go ahead…

Preach your God to me why don’t you?

Tell me prayer will heal me

Preach your God

Tell me prayer will give me understanding

Preach your God to me

Tell me it’ll rid my anger

Preach your God to me

Your God who has allowed me to suffer when I’ve tried to be the best person I can be

Preach your God to me

Your God who has taken my innocent & loved child from me

Preach your God why don’t you some more.

Your God who allows all the disgusting things in this world to happen & yet I, I who tries so hard to get ahead is always knocked down.

Preach him to me, why don’t you?

Your God who is supposed to make it all better

Preach him to me

Your God who has a reason for everything

Preach why don’t you?

Your God who shall never forsake me

Preach him to the woman who is angry

Your God who has this power

Preach him to the woman who buried her child

Your God who brings healing & understanding

Preach God to the one who needs it

Your God who I am SO angry with

Preach him to me why don’t you

This seems to be everyone’s advice to me

This God that allows hunger & war in this world

Preach him to me why don’t you.

Your God in who I find so hard to hold on to anymore

Your God you preach that I am still waiting for

Preach him no more please

That’s all I am asking

This God so mighty

Preach him no more to me

When I am healed

When I come to terms

I will look for this God

I will come back to him one day

But right now

Right now I am asking

Don’t preach your God to me

Judge Without Understanding

2012-05-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

I don’t expect understanding

In fact I expect the judgment

I expect the whispers

Because I know there is no understanding

When you have emptied your home of every piece of clothing that belonged to your daughter you buried, then maybe I could see you understanding.

When you wake up still 4 months later looking for your daughter, then maybe I’ll say you know.

When your world is no longer the same because you’ve lost a huge part of you then you will see.

When you have carried a child for 9 months, given birth & given your everything to protect that child & have to lose them, then maybe you will know.

When every event your child is missing from hurts you,

When every second you’re breathing your heart is aching then you can understand.

When you start to see your daughter in every baby you see, then you will get it.

When you’ve tried to block out everything to avoid a break down,

When you need your mother to talk to & you realize she isn’t there either,

Then you will understand.

You will know what my pain really feels like.

You will know why nothing you say or do affects me in every way.

You will know your opinion of me doesn’t matter to me.

You will know I expect you to judge me, because you know no better.

Because you have no clue how my heart aches.

You have no idea the loss I feel as a mother, daughter, & a friend.

When you close your eyes & see the day you gave birth so beautiful & then close your eyes & see the day you buried your child so painful, then you will see why you are so small in my life & why nothing you say bothers me.

Because truth is, my world is bigger than you are.

My problems are more important than you & my life is about so much more than what someone has to say about me.

You don’t understand me, you sit & judge me because to you, you’re so much better than someone like me but me, this woman you judge…

You have no clue who I am & what I am faced with…

& I am stronger than you will ever be.

So sit there & judge, with out understanding.

My Moments

2012-04-05T09:44:00.003-07:00

Her shirt I take out of a zip lock bag.

The neck of it, oh how good it smells.

A little bit of her scent

A little bit of her throw up

A little bit of what I miss

I hold it to my chest

Close my eyes & picture her there with me

For that moment I can feel her

For that moment I have her back

For that moment I am happy

She is there with me, I smell her

You couldn't tell me any different

Because for that moment She's in my arms

My eyes open & that moment is gone

The tears race down my face

The silent screams I hear in my head

My moment is now gone

The anger sets in

I must hurry & put her shirt away

I don't want to lose the scent

I don't want to lose those moments

They're all I have, those moments

Moments when I sit with her things

& hold her in my arms

Those moments are not real

But they're all I have

Of course I wish I had more

I wish I had her

I wish this weren't real

But all I have are my moment

All I have is my pain, hurt, & memories

& my moments...

What will happen when i lose these moments?

I don't know so I hold on tight to my moments...

This Anger Comforts Me...

2012-04-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

The screams I hear within my head, they haunt me…

They’re my screams that day at work.

They’re my screams that day in the hospital.

They’re my screams the next day coming home without her here.

These screams, they make me so angry.

These screams, they haunt my soul.

The tears, they drown my face…

The tears, they speak the words I can’t get out my mouth.

The tears, they are always waiting, waiting to be released.

The tears, they make me so angry inside.

The heartache, it’s like no other I promise you.

The heartache burdens my chest, weighing it heavy.

The heartache, it feels as if I am dying inside.

The heartache, it’s as if someone is squeezing my heart nonstop.

The heartache, it makes it hard to breathe, hurts from the pit of my soul.

The heartache, I will never get over, & it makes me so angry.

The things people say to comfort me; most I do not want to hear.

She’s in a better place they say, my anger wants to scream, no the hell she isn’t.

She’s always with you they say, & my anger wants to scream, I don’t see her, smell her, feel her , can’t change her diaper, can’t feed her a bottle, can’t take her a bath, so please tell me where & how she is with me.

God needed an angel so he took her they say… The anger, oh this anger, it screams whyyyyyyyyy?

It screams why didn’t he just make a damn angel, why my baby girl.

This anger, it screams all the time, it screams, give her back to me, it screams it’s not fair…

This anger, it screams for what was I always such a good person if I’m being punished anyways…

This anger screams, it screams you’ve taken enough from me…

This anger burdens my heart & soul.

It clouds my judgment.

This anger is taking over me…

This God we all speak of…

This so high & mighty, I’ve prayed to over & over, for my children’s safety, for my children’s health, for the safe being of my family, this is the god that took my daughter.

Tell me why should I pray again; tell me why should I understand.

Tell me why she’s not here with me. He is God, why not tell me, and tell me now…

Yes it is understanding I seek, reason I look for & they say don’t, because we may never know & I say why not?

What do I believe in anymore, I can’t even answer that. Yet most days I still find myself praying.

Most days I still find myself talking to this God.

This anger I cannot let go of & in a sad way it comforts me because if I am busy being angry then for those moments I am not sad, only angry…

Sad I know, it’s all too sad, this journey I am on…

So lost & hurt, not knowing anything anymore…

I simply ask why…

With no answers given, I just remain, holding on to this anger…

This anger that brings me comfort on my worst days…

A Letter 2 My Baby Girl Gisselle

2012-03-08T19:22:00.001-08:00

Dearest Gisselle,

I miss you so very much, my whole world seems upside down lately. I've done things i shouldn't have done for whatever reason.. Some days i feel as if i am going insane. I miss you so much, daddy misses you so much. Your big sister Sarai is keeping us busy, i think she misses you too. Your big brother Isaiah is doing great, I'm sure he misses you. Most days we have unbearable moments, i guess having to get back to reality so soon took a toll on us, esp me i can admit. I don't know if i coming or going most days. I would give almost anything to hold you, see you, feel you. Sunday you will be 5months, i know you would've been starting to do such amazing things and you loved sitting up even at 2 months so i know you would be sitting by now. Probably even holding your own bottle i am sure. Your hair might have been so long by now, it wasn't going to fall out, i just know that because i am your mommy. I don't know how i have made it 2 months with out, seemed impossible but its true regardless of what is going on and what is around us, life has to go on. Your memory will live with us forever, i promise you this. When we have more children, know that he/she will never replace and they will know their sister Gisselle they never met. Watch over your family and know that we miss you so very much. I know you must see us cry often, i know you must see us struggle moving on & i am sorry its so hard on us, we're trying to be as strong as possible, i promise. you must look at the way things have changed & wonder what i am doing & i don't have an answer for that, guide me if you must, mommy is not perfect like you were. I pray you don't feel we failed you in any way. Sometimes i wonder, maybe if we didn't make you too comfortable you'd still be here =( But, to move on i have to believe its for a reason. Say hello to grandma for me & keep her company, i know she loves you very much. I love you Gisselle & i will see u Saturday... P.S. things are tough right now but we will get you your grave marking, i promise, we haven't and will never forget about you... Mommy loves you always... Send me a smile in my dreams please...S.I.P

My Battle Moving Forward ::

2012-03-08T11:43:00.002-08:00

So, i have been battling these feelings inside of me lately...
This craving for a baby & I can't help but wonder why exactly...
Is it because I've lost my baby girl going on 2 months Saturday?
Is it because my body knows I would have a 5month old as of Sunday coming up?
It is because deep inside I need to give this love to someone?
It is because my family just doesn't seem complete anymore?
My life has made a 360 degree change in the pass 2 months & I've messed things up big time in so many ways...
But for the most part I can't even seem to care that most of it is for the worst..
I only seem to want a baby.
Some tell me to wait its too soon..
Some tell me it may have a negative affect on me...
Some say its not the right thing to do...
Some say no
Some say yes
You know what i say
I say I don't know what the reason is,
I don't know why I want a baby so soon.
I don't know if i will.
I don't know if its the right or wrong thing to do,
But I do know if i do...
My baby would be loved by US & that's all that matters.
My baby will never need no matter how hard things got.
No one else would be helping or supporting our child so its no one's decision but ours.
No one is hurting as much as we are for our loss. (although many are hurting)
This battle is mine & mine alone & well my husband's, I would need him ;)
My cousin recently had a baby a few days ago, I couldn't go see him, I couldn't bare the thought of holding another baby, because the last baby I held was my Gisselle.
I cried at the thoughts alone BUT today I wok up & said i need to see him...
So, I did &&&&& Oh My Gosh, I fell in love, he didn't smell like my Gisselle & he didn't quite feel like her but he was Noah to me & I knew this is great, I am okay to be around babies...
I filled with love & Its not quite a healing but it is a step forward with one of my battles =)

Days That Pass

2012-03-07T09:21:00.001-08:00

Most days I can make it through the day just fine.

Most days I can pretend to be ok, pretend nothing is bothering me.

Then, there are those days when my world feels crumbled into pieces.

There are days when it’s hard to breathe

Days when my chest is heavier than normal

Days when the tears build up behind my eyes more than usual

Days when I just don’t know how I am living on most of the time

No one has answers for me

Some say God saw I needed rest

My answer is “No I didn’t, she was worth the sleepless nights”

Some say God has his reasons

I say, Please tell me those reasons so I understand them

Some say God is looking for me

I say why through her it had to be

Some say they have no words for me

I say those seem to be the best words, nothing at all

Some say it’ll get easier

I say please tell me when because I don’t believe you

Everyone says be strong

I say this is as strong as its going to get for me

I go to work, stay busy and I can just think she is at home with my husband

I come home and her car seat is sitting on my living room floor instead of the back seat of the car

I get rid of most of her things yet I still look for her

I have the urge to make her bottles; it’s as if I still feel her

I don’t fold my laundry because I hate that her clothes are missing from the pile

I look at the pictures on my wall and I wonder what she is doing

I look at babies her age and picture her

I say I had 3 children not I have 3 children and it breaks me apart inside

I long for her scent so I smell the same dirty shirt over and over again

I long for her smile, touch, hug.

I miss her every moment of every day and sometimes I feel like she’ll come back to me

But I know that is just me in denial.

I find myself so angry at parents who don’t take good care of their kids

Angry at people who take their kids for granted

Some days I am angry at God for taking her

Some days I am angry at my mom for being with her

Some days I spend all day wondering what I did wrong

Some days I sit and ask why all day

Some days I want to have another baby

Some days I don’t even want to look at babies

Most days I live in fear of losing someone else

Most days I am struggling to hold tears back

Most days I am struggling to stay strong

Most days I am wondering what I could have done differently

But every day I know there are no answers to my wonders, questions or heartaches

Every day I know there’s nothing different we could have done to change the outcome

I am only so thankful I have no regrets

Thankful I was able to have her for 3months

Thankful I gave birth to such a beautiful angel

Thankful that I am only guaranteed to see her again one day

Thankful that although I am not whole again, I am stronger than I was before

Thankful that I was & I am the mother of Gisselle Cassandra Torres

She Belongs Here With Me

2012-03-07T09:20:00.002-08:00

Don’t tell me to be strong

It’s impossible, this only makes me wea

she belongs here with me

Don’t say it’ll be okay

You’re lying to my face

Don’t say you feel my pain

You have no idea what this is like

She belongs here with me

Don’t compare this to your loss

Unless you have buried your child the same

Don’t tell me how to feel

I lost a major part of me

So I will deal with my loss my way

Don’t tell me to move on

You’re just being cruel if you do

Because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me have another baby

Gisselle could never be replaced

Don’t tell me I still have other kids

I think I know this to be true

But she belongs here with my other 2

& It doesn’t mean I don’t miss my #3

Don’t tell me God gives me nothing I can’t handle

Because this pain is just too real

She belongs here with me

Don’t tell me at least I am alive

Because no parent should see her child in a coffin

When she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me I need to pray

It’s all I do, the pain is still here

& I Know Its because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s watching over me

Because she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s with my mother

she belongs here with me

Don’t tell me she’s in a better place

She belongs in my arms here with me

Don’t tell me she’s most loved in heaven

Because no one could love her more than me

Don’t tell me God needed her

I needed her more, I still do

She belongs to me

She belongs with me

She was made for me

& she belongs here with me

Weeks & Days

2012-03-07T09:19:00.001-08:00

36 weeks of pregnancy & back aches

36 weeks of feeling tired, sick and hungry non stop

36 weeks of hormones driving me insane

36 weeks I complained she wasn’t coming soon enough

36 weeks of pregnancy & I wouldn’t take it back at all

36 weeks of waiting to meet my special # 3

4 Weeks spent choosing the perfect name

36 weeks waiting to hold her, smell her and kiss her

12 weeks to bath her, dress her & brush her hair

12 weeks of smelling her, kissing her & caring for her

12 weeks of feedings every 3 hours

12 weeks of sleepless night

12 weeks of amazing irreplaceable love

12 weeks of teaching

48 weeks of planning her life

1 Halloween we shared

1 Thanksgiving we shared

1 Christmas we shared

& 1 New Year’s we had together

So many things I had planned beyond 12 weeks of life

I spent so much time wondering at how many months she would walk

I wondered what her favorite first food was going to be

So many dreams of her & her sister being side by side

So many hopes for what she would learn

So many wonders about her attitude

So many plans for her hair styles

So many kisses I have left for her

So many hugs I need from her

So many secrets we were to supposed to share

So many reasons why I need her here

So many reasons why this is all wrong

So many questions unanswered

36 weeks I carried my baby girl inside of me

36 weeks I waited to hold her in my arms

12 weeks I was given to show her how much I loved her

I could count her life in weeks

I could count her life in days

My daughter’s life can be counted in weeks or days

There is no greater pain than this fact

Make every day count

Love Forever Hers

2012-03-07T09:18:00.001-08:00

Love at first sight

Joy you could never even imagine

A smile that would melt your heart

A coo that would sing melodies to you

A smell only a mother could love

A warmth in your arms wanted for a lifetime

A child so sweet, a child from within me

Unconditional love, undeniable love

An angel to all that knew her

An angel taken way too soon

An angel I long to hold again

Love at first sight, love at last sight

Love to last a lifetime

Love that is forever hers

Whether it be here or in the heavens

This love is forever hers

OUR NUMBER 5 HAS BECOME A 4; OUR SPECIAL 3 IS NOW A 2

2012-03-07T09:16:00.003-08:00

& Then there were 2, our perfect family of 5 has become a family of 4 in a matter of seconds… Most days went as follows; my husband slept in the morning while my 7 year old was at school, I attended to my girls, one being 18months and the other 3 months. This is all we knew, our children, making bottles, changing diapers and doing homework. My husband would wake up; by then I am dressed for work and my girls are dressed to go. We load the girls into their car seats and pick up our son from school and ride out to take me to work. Our car sits 5, the backseat consist of 2carseats and my son in between them, I’ve always felt so bad about it but he didn’t mind, those are his sisters, it seemed perfect. My husband drops me off and goes home to be with the kids while I am working. He feeds the kids and changes the diapers, best father I know. By 9pm I am getting out of work and my husband is outside with our 3 children waiting to take me home. I get in the house and 5minutes later he’s walking out the door for work. Everyone always ask how we do it with such hard schedules but the only answer is, we have no choice, it’s all for our children. We wouldn’t change that at all, no matter how tired we are. It’s a huge challenge but worth it, we make a great team.
But now, there are no more bottles to make and less pampers to change. There’s less laundry to wash, less reasons to wake up during the night, less reasons to go running from one room to another when you hear one of the kids making noise and less reasons to love the baby section in stores.

Our perfect number 5 has become a 4 in a matter of seconds.

How do we stand these quiet moments when all we’re use to is always having one of the kids up to make noise.

How do we look pass the spot the crib use to be in, how do we look at the empty spot where the car seat use to be.

How do we take pictures of just 2 kids when it’s supposed to be 3 of them?

How do we sit everyday wondering what if?

How do we look pass all the little things that complete our days that are no longer around.

How do I do laundry and not see a size 3months in it, how do we shop for diapers and only get one size now.

How do we later explain to our little one that she once had a baby sister?

How do we pretend to be okay everyday while feeling as if a part of us is missing?

How do we remain strong for our other 2 when deep down, we’re dying of hurt.

How do we move pass what is every parent’s worst nightmare.

Tell me how please….

How are we to ever feel complete when our number 5 has become a 4?

My First Moments In Losing My Daughter

2012-03-07T09:15:00.002-08:00

           Standing at a register ringing a customer up, I will now never forget this customer, an older man buying a blackberry tablet case, wanting to price match it to our online price and so I was doing it without a fight when the phone rang. And so, my horror story begins with my job phone ringing. The doctor then asked for me and my first thought was shit I must owe a bill, damn… Of course I didn’t think my children because when I left to work they were all in perfect health and just fine. They were in good hands, the hands of my husband who I trust with my life and those of my children. The doctor then states “I have your daughter here and need you to come to the hospital” so I reply “wait, what? Which daughter, why?” He asked me if I had a way to get there and I ask to speak to my husband. On the phone my husband manages to say through tears that “she’s gone”. I felt my heart drop, all I know at this point I am no longer next to the register, but far back screaming “what are you talking about, is she breathing”. “Joseph, tell me your lying please, not my baby, tell me you’re lying, I don’t understand”. As I glance around I don’t remember much but being in the arms of like 4 people as they try to carry me out of the store, I could see every customer staring at me and yet I was in a daze, heart aching in disbelief, body falling low to the ground and my friend Jenn crying as she’s trying to get me to the car. I remember my other co-workers holding me up; it was a nightmare I failed to believe, a nightmare I still don’t believe.
My car ride consisted of many, many tears. I tried calling my aunt but couldn’t reach her, only reached my cousin who just wanted answers I didn’t yet have but at least for a moment I was calm while trying to tell him my many I don’t knows. I know my sis in law called me and I don’t remember much but me saying, tell me he’s lying and her saying we’re on our way. My neighbor also called, asking what I knew and if I was at the hospital yet. I don’t remember much of that conversation either. Turns out she tried CPR on my baby girl so she knew firsthand what I had in store for me at the hospital.
          Walking through the hospital doors felt like I was dreaming, for the first time it seemed crowded to me. My brother in law walked out of a room I didn’t even know existed. The man at the desk asked me to stay outside of the room and wait but my brother in law told me to come in and so I did. Of course I see everyone sitting with tears in their eyes, faces red and not one word was spoken. I just remember going up to my husband and hitting him over and over in his chest until I fell into his arms. I felt like I was there forever screaming and crying. My crying went on and off for I don’t know how long. It was like a chain reaction, as if everyone in the room felt the pain in me because when I cried they cried. At the time I barely knew anyone else was there because I was in my own world waiting. The whole time not understand, screaming why me, cursing my Lord out, confused, lost, helpless and hurt like no other hurt in this world. I lost my mother just 11 months ago, Feb 20, 2011 and so I thought I knew what hurt was because I cry all the time missing her, but trust me when I say there is no hurt worse than losing your own child.
        Next I remember more crying and screaming, the people there telling me I couldn’t see my daughter until the detectives came so I tried remaining calm until then. But while sitting there, trying to understand what was happening; seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours. It was by far one of the longest moments of my life. Next thing I knew I am opening a door screaming “what the fuck am I waiting for, I don’t understand”. People rush to my side to keep me from disturbing others in the hospital I guess. Next thing I know detectives are in our faces saying they need to speak to us. I screamed I wasn’t there and waited to see my baby, so they let me see her while my husband spoke to the detective. Walking to the room was torture; it was the longest walk of my life, the lady was afraid to let me go because she thought I was going to hit the floor. So I see a room with white curtains, cops standing around it and nurses by the computer. I walk in and see my baby Gisselle laying there, looking so peaceful, she has white tape on her face from when they tried putting the tubes in to get her to breathe. Her skin color had already been faded and she seems pale, her hair was still so beautiful and I wanted to hold her so bad. I would’ve given anything for one more second with her. My last kiss was while putting her into her car seat before heading to work, I changed her diaper and shirt right before we left as well, and dressing her was my favorite besides playing with her hair. I loved her hair so much because her sister was a bald baby and I looked forward to doing her hair every day. Well from here began a new journey, the loss of my baby girl and I will be writing a blog about it. I know you’re wondering how and I will tell in my next blog…